#might have to physically restrain myself from texting someone I wasn’t very nice to

[johnlockdynamic]

that hack where you scroll sideways but not all the way to view someone’s story really coming in clutch tn

[readyplayerhobi]

Flower | 02

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, angst, future smut

; Word Count: 1.9k

; Warnings: Talk of anxiety, depression, self-hatred

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: Yes this is posted fast but it’s obviously not long. As said, this is a drabble series so it may be posted fast, it may be posted slow. It’s purely when I feel inspired by it. Thank you for the love I’ve had on the first part! I never expected people to like it so much. Please note that this is a slice of life fic that will deal with the MC having a lot of issues around herself including anxiety, depression, lack of self-confidence and more. I’ll put relevant warnings, but this fic is basically me helping myself by writing out some of my feelings. If you enjoy reading it, please reblog and comment to let me know! Again, I haven’t proof read lol

Flower Masterpost

-

Your phone screen is mocking you, you swear it is. The brightly lit screen clearly shows the Flower app message box, which clearly shows the series of messages that you’d exchanged with one seriously, outrageously attractive Jung Hoseok.

And it made you cringe, shrinking further down your seat as you pushed your face into the impossibly soft material of the cat plush you kept on your couch. As if somehow, that might make all your embarrassment disappear.

Because you have never regretted your social anxiety and inability to make small talk more than you do right now. You found it impossible to talk to people normally if you didn’t have a common interest, the conversation often dying down quickly as you struggled to maintain it but that was heightened with text messages.

Your own friends were well aware of this, which meant that no one ever bothered to call or text you to talk. Instead, they simply texted to ask when you were free and then came over or invited you out. You were very much one of those people who just operated best when you were comfortable with the person and could maintain a face-to-face connection.

Which was why you were now seriously regretting setting up this app. Groaning, you let your head fall back onto the couch and restrain the urge to have a childish hissy fit. Because it would be childish. Relieving, but childish.

“Why did I think this would be a good idea? You know you don’t like talking on the phone or by message, you idiot.” You hiss to yourself, grabbing the phone from the arm of the sofa and unlocking it once more.

Re-reading the messages just makes you want to shrink even more. It’s been an hour since Hoseok had first responded to you, and the messages were painful. In fact, it made you want to cry reading them over and how bad you were at conversing. You were trying so hard but you just didn’t know what to say or do.

You: Oh, thanks for responding! I’m okay, how are you?

Jung Hoseok: I’m good, just got in from a gig. You done anything interesting?

You: No, I worked and then just came home

Jung Hoseok: Okay...what did you do when you came home?

You: Watched Netflix

Jung Hoseok: ...what did you watch? Anything cool?

You: Not really

You: I’m watching this Korean drama, The K2

Jung Hoseok: Cool

The conversation died for ten minutes after that and as usual, you’d stressed over what you’d messaged him. It read so stilted and awkward, leading to you grasping at a topic to further talk with him. How did these things normally work? Was he expecting sex if you’d messaged him? Or did he want something more? Was it okay to ask him?

You’d struggled for a few minutes more before you’d finally sent something else to him, resulting in another series of lame messages that had you resenting yourself while also being thankful that he didn’t just give up on you entirely.

You: Who did you go see? Anyone I might know?

Jung Hoseok: Mmm, maybe? Do you know Disturbed?

You: ...no?

Jung Hoseok: Do you listen to any metal?

You: also no :(

Jung Hoseok: Ahhh...you wouldn’t know them then

You: Did you enjoy it though?

Jung Hoseok: Yeah! They’re great live. You should maybe try it, you might like them…

And that was where the conversation had stunted itself, leading to you simply staring at your phone and wishing that you were someone else. Someone who was great at talking and would be able to keep the flow going between him and you. Because he was evidently nice, willing to keep talking even though you were proving to have the socialisation skills of a baby.

Staring at your phone, you bit your lip and rested your head in the palm of your hand, elbow resting on your thigh as tears warmed your eyes. You wished that you could be someone better, someone who didn’t have to psychoanalyse everything that you’d said and every response that you’d been given. Thousands, probably millions of people across the world did this online dating thing every day.

Why was it so hard for you? And on the first guy!

Wiping the tears away with your hand as you sniffled, you grasped your phone and looked down at the messages once more with a frown. This guy, Jung Hoseok, was way too good for you. There was no way that someone this outgoing was going to be interested in you, not when he had to work this hard to maintain a conversation.

Here he was, going to concerts on a work night while you felt insufferable anxiety at the prospect of not being in bed by 9pm. There was no way you could work out, and maybe it would be better to just cut him loose now so that he didn’t have to bother trying anymore with you. You could always give someone a little more...boring a chance. 

Wincing, you mentally withdrew that adjective. People weren’t boring, they just had different interests. You had no doubt that by your own standards, Hoseok would probably consider you boring.

Sighing, you began to type out your message to him, this once longer than anything else you’d typed.

You: I’m sorry. I don’t know how this online dating stuff works. I don’t even really know how real dating works. I’m really bad at talking, through text and phone. I don’t really know how to do small talk with you and you kind of intimidate me. I’m sorry for bothering you, I don’t think we’d work out and I don’t want to take up any more of your time.

You: Sorry :(

Sending those messages was hard, and you wipe once more at the tears that slowly trail down your face as you try to soothe your anxiety over what you’d sent him. And then you have to try and soothe down your worry that flares up over not being good enough for anyone. 

As much as you wanted to listen to Soyeon and Chungha, and as much as you wanted a relationship, you were terrified at the same time. Because you kept yourself so closed off from people, only letting in the few individuals that your mind deemed worth the time and effort and whom you were positive wouldn’t hurt you too badly.

But a relationship meant letting someone in to a place that friends didn’t go. It meant giving the other person access to your most intimate areas; physically and mentally. Letting them know your dreams, know your fears, letting them into your heart and mind. And it terrified you. Because those people were the most dangerous to you.

With a mind that actively seemed to work against you sometimes, sabotaging yourself and your hopes with crippling anxiety and depression, the idea of letting someone that close to cause even more damage was fear inducing. It was giving someone the power to affirm all the negative thoughts you have about yourself, letting them wriggle their way into your life and your heart in a way that would make it feel like an explosion had happened if they decided you weren’t worth it in the future.

You knew that your fears were silly, that people entered and left relationships frequently and that not every relationship ended badly. Not every relationship ended.

But you were petrified of being the one left, of being the one who finally let down her walls and let someone in deeper than anyone had ever been before and having those fragile, vulnerable places deep within you blown wide open. And yet you still craved the love and affection that you watched your friends go through.

You’d tried to get it in college, dating guys and girls in such a casual way that you weren’t even sure it could be called dating. It was more like friends with benefits half the time, and you had so many fears about yourself that there wasn’t even a whole lot of sex. Nor had it been good, because it was hard to get out of your own head sometimes.

Someone like Jung Hoseok terrified you then, because he looked to be everything that you shied away from normally. Outgoing, attractive, outspoken and experienced judging from what you’d read of his profile. Someone who would probably laugh at the idea of a wallflower like you wanting to be with him.

You’re pulled out of the whirlpool of negativity and self-hatred that your thoughts had quickly veered into by the sound of your phone once more, the noise loud in the quiet of the room since you’d turned off your television. Swallowing, you blink hard and take in a deep and steadying breath before looking down at the message.

Jung Hoseok: Oh that’s fine! Don’t feel pressured or anything. I’m useless at talking on the phone too. Would you rather we meet up instead? Casually or as a date, whichever you prefer. I’m sorry I intimidate you, I don’t mean to :( 

Jung Hoseok: I know I have tattoos and stuff, but I’m not mean! I swear. I think I’m nice...

Jung Hoseok: And we’ll never know if we could work out unless we actually try…

Jung Hoseok: :)

For a few seconds...there’s nothing in your mind as you stare down at your phone in disbelief. Surely you’d misread that? Suddenly lost the ability to read and your mind had made up what you’d rather it said instead. But when you blink hard, rubbing your eyes to clear them until the words are in focus again, you’re met with exactly the same thing that you’d just read.

He...hadn’t been offended by what you’d said. Nor had he laughed at you cutting him off so quickly? In fact...he seemed to be...understanding?

Your mouth feels dry suddenly and you grab a deep gulp of water, cheeks feeling warm as your stomach swirls with confusion, nerves and tentative excitement. He wasn’t annoyed by you. He wasn’t angry with you. He’d accepted what you’d said.

He’d even...asked you on a date? 

And then you realise that he thought that you were intimidated by him purely because he had tattoos and piercings and stuff. Which out of all the things you’d stressed and worried over...that hadn’t even been a top 5 consideration. If anything, those things were just exceptional window dressing on an already outstanding visage.

His words seem to have a strangely soothing effect on your frayed nerves, a balm to your upset and confused mind. Maybe...maybe you could just meet up. You were a lot better in person than you were via text or phone. Your friends liked to say you were funny and sweet, which he might like.

Maybe he was right.

You felt an extreme whiplash that left you feeling a little tired from everything you’d experienced in the last few hours; from the trepidation of signing up to the surge of confidence at messaging Hoseok to the crushing negativity of your flatlining esteem to the small flicker of hope that was now surfacing.

Which is why you feel strangely calm when you message him back, watching your fingers type without really being aware of what you were doing. Completely unaware of the monumental impact your decision was about to have on your future and life.

You: Really? I’d like to meet up...if you want to

Jung Hoseok: I’d love to

[daniactuallysnuffledthatpopcorn]

Painting Flowers (Chapter 9)

[A/N] My camp Nano project from April 2014. Heavily edited.

Summary: Dan has come to accept that his psychotic episodes and hallucinations are here to stay, when he meets Phil Lester. Although Phil can’t fix Dan, he does give him something to fight for. Something to try for, one last time.

WARNINGS: Mentions of self harm and suicide. Deals with mental illness, hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

Word count: 2.2K (23.9K total)

<-previous chapter -- next chapter->

Start at the beginning

The position of Dan’s arms was changed every few hours, to make sure his arms didn’t start hurting. Right now they were above his head, so that he could hardly move them. It was nice to bend them again though, after being restrained with them straight at either side of his body for the past few hours.

His parents were always right outside the door, Dan knew that. He could catch a glimpse of them every time a doctor or nurse walked in to either change his restraints or feed him. They were only allowed in once every now and then, to help Dan ‘rest’, even though Dan didn’t deem that necessary at all. He was calm enough.

He was surprised, to say the least, when the door opened again only an hour after his parents had visited and he’d been fed. He craned his neck trying to see who’d walked in.

“There’s someone here to see you, are you feeling up for a visit?” His regular nurse was standing beside his bed.

“Who is it?” His heart fluttered at the possibility that it may just be Phil. He wouldn’t know how the other would’ve figured out where he was, but he didn’t really care either.

“Philip Lester. You mother called him for you, she said you would want to see him.”

“I do.” Dan said, trying to remain calm so that the doctors wouldn’t take this opportunity to take Phil away from him.

“Alright, I’ll call him in.”

He heard her footsteps leave the room and be followed by muffled talking in the hallway. The door was pushed open again, and out of the corner of his eye he immediately recognised Phil’s red plaid shirt.

“Hey Dan.” He smiled at Dan and pulled the chair up to the bed. “I was worried about you, you weren’t answering my texts.”

“I thought you were at your grandma’s.”

“I was, but then she turned out to have bought me a Buffy DVD and I wanted to watch it with you. So I texted you as soon as I was on my way back home, but you weren’t replying, and you didn’t pick up my calls either. So um, I kind of called the hotel and asked about you. Your mother called me back about an hour ago, I was so relieved to hear that you were doing alright.”

“Define alright.”

“Restrained in a hospital bed but alive.”

Dan laughed, “If that’s your definition of alright, then I’m a bit more than alright. I’m doing well, actually. You know, if you leave out the whole hospital part. I’m physically okay and my head is shutting up for now.”

“Good. I’m happy to hear that.” He didn’t seem to say that just because he felt like he had to. He actually seemed to mean it. Then again, Phil seemed to have been very sincere about everything he had said on this topic so far.

“I have the uncontrollable urge to tickle you, but that would be inappropriate, wouldn’t it?” Phil broke their serious conversation. He had his goofy smile on that Dan loved so much.

“Not to mention very cruel, as I am currently bound to this bed and cannot fight back.”

Phil raised his arm and his hand came dangerously close to Dan’s stomach.

“Don’t you dare, jackass.”

“Or what?”

“I will turn into the Hulk and pull apart the restraints, only to end your existence.”

“Violent.” The jokingly made threat didn’t do its job very well. Phil softly grazed his fingertips over Dan’s stomach. The latter tried to wiggle out of his reach, but of course, to no avail.

“You have no heart.” Dan stated.

“I do not.” Phil confirmed.

It wasn’t hard to turn Dan into a laughing mess beneath his hands now that the boy couldn’t fight back. He tried to move away, but even while he was attempting this he knew it was no use.

He only noticed the door had opened when Phil’s hand stopped moving on his stomach and the other’s face turned to the door.

“Can you make sure he doesn’t get too hyper, please? We need to keep him calm here.” Dan recognised the voice of one of his female nurses but he wasn’t quite sure which one.

“I’m completely calm.” He said, still a little out of breath.

She grinned, “I can see that.” She didn’t seem to serious about it. She was supposed to keep him calm and peaceful, but it was easy to recognise that Phil was in no way upsetting him. On the contrary, he was calming him down more than any silence or restriction could.

“Just try to keep it down a bit, okay?”

“Sure, will do.” Phil said. He patted Dan’s stomach playfully and pulled back his arm, only to raise his other and bring it up to the headboard of the bed. Dan wasn’t sure what his intentions were at first, but then he felt soft fingertips stroking the scars on his right arm. He let out a shaky breath and allowed himself to relax.

Phil was looking at him with that calm and welcoming expression again. Dan closed his eyes involuntarily. His fingers curled and reached out to try and touch Phil’s hand. Everything around him was completely forgotten when Phil moved his hand to wrap around Dan’s. Maybe it was just in his head, but it felt like the warmth of Phil’s hand was spreading through his arm. For once he didn’t care about the fact that maybe it was only just him thinking this, without it really being there. It felt nice.

 “How long are you staying for?” Dan woke up from his dream from the hushed voice of a nurse near the door.

“As long as you’ll let me.” Came Phil’s whispered reply. Dan could still feel his hand on his own and he softly squeezed it to let him now he was awake.

He carefully opened one eye to find Phil looking at him with his usual smile. “Morning, pretty boy.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s not actually morning. It’s seven pm. I lied.”

“No that’s not what I meant.”

Phil turned to the nurse again, “So when are you kicking me out?”

“We aren’t, for now. Though Dan’s parents would like to see him for a bit.”

“They can come in too.”

“You’ll have to leave the room.”

“Why?”

The nurse was quiet for a second, “Regulations.” She said.

“I see. Can I go back in after that?”

“Sure.”

“Alright.” He eyed Dan for a few seconds before slowly leaning in and pressing a kiss to the boy’s forehead. “I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?”

Dan just nodded, left speechless.

 “I had a talk with some doctors.” Phil announced when he walked back in.

Dan was sitting with a tray of food on his lap. His hands were now next to his head, and the end of the bed had been moved up, so that he could sit up to eat his food.

“And?”

“I’ll tell you when you finish eating.” He sat back down in the chair next to the bed and started fiddling with the food on the tray.

“You’re making me curious.”

“Good.” He raised the spoon and held it in front of Dan’s face. “Open up.”

 “So what did you talk about with the doctors?”

Phil put down the tray on the floor next to him. “Right.” He started. “So I told them about your walking habits, and that I’d like to take a walk with you, just for like a few minutes would be okay. And they were like ‘We’re actually not supposed to allow that’, so I begged them to make an exception and they did. We can go on a walk in a bit.”

“Are you serious?” Dan eyes widened.

“Completely. We’re not allowed out for too long, we have to stay inside the building, and I have to stay with you the entire time, but they think you could use some outside time so they’re letting us do it.”

“That’s amazing. Thank you.”

“Of course. Now they’re going to come in to untie you in a few minutes. Get ready.”

 The halls weren’t exactly the perfect environment for a late-night walk. They peeked into the small windows on the doors and looked at the other patients. Most of them were lying in bed and didn’t notice them, but others were sitting on the floor and made eye contact. Some even waved at them. “Do you come here often?” Phil asked.

Dan let out a laugh, “This isn’t the place for that pickup line, Phil.” He said.

“No, I didn’t mean it as a pickup line.” Phil replied, laughing now too.

“I don’t come here that often. My psychiatrist isn’t on this block, and I don’t usually have episodes this bad. Maybe four times a year, tops.”

“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but how often do you get restrained?”

Dan grinned, “If it’s bad enough to be taken to the hospital, there’s a fifty percent chance it’s bad enough to restrain me. Especially after they found out that I self harm. They probably won’t let me out of their sight as long as I’m here anymore. I’m honestly surprised that they let you take me out of the room for this walk.”

“Me too.” Phil admitted. “I didn’t think my soliloquy was going to do much good, but hey, it wasn’t going to do any harm either, so I might as well try.”

“I appreciate this a lot, thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

 Sleeping with his arms pinned beside his head was not what you’d call comfortable. He woke up at six that morning, unable to go back to sleep as there was a ray of sunlight hitting him straight in the face through the window. The rest of the room was still covered in the weak twilight of the early morning and Dan was only just able to make out the chair, which had been moved to the wall opposite the bed.

Two hours went by before the door opened and one of the nurses walked in with a tray of breakfast. “Morning, Dan.” She greeted.

“Hi.” Dan replied.

“You hungry?”

“Yeah, I’ve been up for like a few hours already.”

She tilted his bed up straight and pulled the chair up to the bed. Dan could totally live with being restrained. It was the having to be fed he had a problem with. “I can eat by myself.” He tried. But of course that was no use.

After breakfast Dan got to lie down for another hour, before the door opened again. He expected to see either his parents or Phil, but he was greeted with Michelle’s face.

“Hi, Dan. How are you feeling?”

“You know, could be better, could be worse.” He replied.

Michelle sat down on the chair next to his bed. “I heard you went for a walk with Phil last night.”

“I did.”

“How was that?”

“It was great, I loved it.”

“How do you feel about Phil?”

Dan laughed, “We’re going to talk about my feelings for Phil here?”

“Do you not want to talk about him?”

“I didn’t say that.” “Alright.” She nodded, “So how do you feel about him?”

“I like him. I like him a lot. I may have a crush on him.” He averted his gaze, but was quick to add, “Don’t tell him that though.”  

“I won’t.” She promised. “How do you feel about the fact that he came to visit you here and got the doctors to let you go out with him?”

“Amazing. I honestly didn’t expect him to even come. I hoped he would, but I didn’t think he would actually do it.”

“Good. Good. I talked to Phil a few minutes ago. He’s just outside.” She pointed to the door.

“He is? Can I see him?”

“You can see him later, okay?”

He nodded.

“You’re probably getting out of here tomorrow, and Phil told me he wanted to take you on a date as soon as possible.”

“He used that word?”

“What word?”

“Date. Did he say date?”

“He did say date. But before you go back home, I’d like you to once again consider the possibility of medication. That would greatly lessen the chance of you ending up here again, you know that. You don’t have to make a decision right now, I would just appreciate it a lot if you were to think about it.” She got up and gave him a warm smile.

“I’ll think about it.” He uttered.

“I’ll see you tomorrow before you leave. Have fun with Phil.”

“Thanks, I will.”

She left the room. Dan didn’t get time to wonder how long it would take Phil to get in here; the other didn’t even let the door close behind Michelle in his hurry to get into the room.

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ A Differnt Type Of Fear (part 63)

A/N: I merged two chapters together so thats why it is so long lol

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she  friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

***

Harper’s P.O.V.

“Girl, why didn’t you tell us that you could play piano?” Erika questions as we sit in her lounge.

“I don’t know, it was my own thing and it was were I put my emotions for so long.” I shrug.

“Did Luke know?” Calum asks and I look down at the mention of my ex boyfriend.

“No, he didn’t.” I shake my head, playing with the fraying end of the string on my hoodie.

“So no one knows?” Ashton asks.

“There’s a few, my friends back in England know, but that’s it.” I tell him.

“Can you play any other instruments?” Michael questions.

“Uh no, just piano.” I answer.

“And singing.” Maddie adds.

“And singing.” I confirm.

“Have you written originals?” Ashton asks.

“Um the song you heard was an original.” I inform.

“Really?” Calum exclaims.

“Yeah.” I nod.

“How old is it?” Erika asks.

“I legit just finished writing it the other day.” I say.

“It was a very beautiful song by the way.” Maddie compliments.

“Thank you.” I give her a small smile.

“What’s the song about?” Michael raises an eyebrow making me suck in a breath.

“Uh, you can interpret it in many ways but for me personally, it’s about depression and loneliness and having nobody there for you when you need it the most, but you have to go through it by yourself, and you just can’t do it on your own.” I roughly explain.

“Based on any recent feelings?” Calum comments but the doorbell rings as soon as he finishes.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom whilst you forget you asked that.” I mutter with a self deprecating chuckle.

Walking out with Erika but we part ways when we enter the hallway. I head to the bathroom and open the door, letting out a sigh.

Doing my business, I wash my hands, and take my hair out of the pony tail I quickly made as I left my house earlier, running my hand through it and tucking a part behind my ear.

Heading out I hear laughter, which makes me smile because my favourite people being happy is always a good feeling.

Feeling my phone buzz, I pull it out and see I have a text from Juliet.

“Hey.” I say and sit down, everyone saying ‘hey’ back, but one catches me off guard and I instantly look up, connecting eyes with my ex lover.

“Luke.” I awkwardly notice.

“Hi.” He bites his lip, giving me a small wave.

“Guess who was at the door.” Erika says.

I look back down at my phone, but I don’t actually start typing, I just think about how Luke is actually in the same room as me and I attempt to calm my heart down.

All night I was thinking about how Luke is probably a couple doors down from me, and for some reason that made my heart race.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that he was actually physically not far from me, or if it was because he’s caused me so much pain and he’s capable of doing it again.

“How was tour?” Maddie makes conversation.

“So much fun, but in the end we all got so tired and at one point when we were in Vienna, Calum almost fell asleep whilst standing up.” Ashton replies.

“I actually did for like 2 seconds but then woke myself up.” He smiles at the memory.

“How was life here in Australia whilst we were away?” Michael asks.

“Pretty quiet, it was just like when you left.” Maddie shrugs.

“Just now we’re engaged.” Erika squeals.

“How has that been?” Calum questions.

“Not much has changed really, just I look at wedding stuff now.” Erika explains.

“When’s the wedding?” Ashton asks.

They all begin to talk about the wedding/wedding stuff, and my attention goes to the tall boy looking sorry for himself on the other side of the room.

He hasn’t changed much, he’s still got the same bad posture as he used to, the same blue orbs that make time stop when you look into them, and the same personality. Some things have changed though, his hair has changed a little, got these bags under his eyes that seem to of not left in a while, his body language has changed, and although his eyes haven’t changed much, they look more lifeless than usual.

I study his person and take note of the things I’ve missed ever since we’ve been apart, I can remember most of him but there’s little things about how his fingers move when he scratches himself or the way he twists his ankle when it gets a little tight I forgot about, just little habits.

Luke looks over at me, and I meet his eyes, feeling the world stop for a second and my heart race.

“So how has life been for you, Harper?” Maddie interrupts us.

“Uh fine, just tryna get through school.” I tell her.

“Where are you spending Christmas this year?” Michael questions.

“I’m not too sure, we haven’t really talked about it, I imagine probably in England because last time although it was fun, there just wasn’t enough space for everyone and it was all so stressful.” I explain.

“Fair enough, when was the last time we saw each other? Because last Christmas seems like ages ago and that was probably the last time we were all together like we used to.” Erika furrows her eyebrows.

“I saw Cal the last.” I say.

“Yeah, we ran into each other in London.” Calum adds.

“The last time we all saw each other was I guess when Harper was in the hospital.” Ashton concludes.

“Last Christmas was fun, especially when it was actually Christmas day and we all met up and went in the pool.” Michael comments.

Can’t relate.

I look over at Luke and I see him looking down at his lap, most likely thinking the same as me.

It confuses me at how Luke is so sad when he cheated on me, I don’t get it. Sure, losing someone you grew up with isn’t easy to get over, but he caused this, he made the choice of sleeping with someone else. It’s been nearly 11 months, shouldn’t he - the one who put us in this situation - be over me and be happy now?

You might ask ‘well what if he’s not sad about the break up and it’s something else?’ I know because the night we said 'I love you’ at Boulevard View, he was clearly upset, and he still has that look on his face.

Trust me, I’ve known him for 18 years.

“I’m gonna go get a drink.” I mumble and head to the kitchen.

Looking in the fridge and seeing if there’s anything interesting in there. After searching all the shelf, I conclude there’s nothing good but water, so I pull out a bottle of water, and close the fridge.

Opening the bottle and turning around, I place the cap on the marble island, and I’m about to take a sip, when I notice Luke leaning in the doorway, observing me.

“Hey.” I quietly say and take a sip of my drink.

“Hi.” He nods at me and I put the lid back on my bottle.

“You just gonna stand there like a stalker or are you actually gonna talk to me?” I raise an eyebrow, and rest my forearms on the counter.

He chuckles lightly and pushes off the door frame, and walks over to me, mimicking my position.

“How have you been?” Luke questions.

“Uh, what I said out there.” I gesture.

“Okay then, what have you been up to since we saw each other last?” He re-questions.

“Not much, partying and repetitive lectures, typical uni life.” I shrug. “You?” I sigh.

“Performing and a little bit of writing here and there.” He replies and rests his chin on his palm.

I nod and silence creeps over us.

“I heard you’re quite the musician.” Luke mentions.

“Who told you that?” I laugh.

“Well firstly the others did, secondly, I watched the livestream, and you sounded really good.”

“Thanks.” I give him a small smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me you could play piano?” Luke questions.

“I don’t really know, I don’t have a reason, I kinda liked that it was my own secret, it just kinda happened.” I answer.

“Did you want to tell me?” He raises an eyebrow.

“No, and there was nothing restraining me from doing so, I mean, yeah, it would’ve been a bit weird coming out saying I could play piano and I have been for years.” I flatly tell him.

“Can you play anymo-”

“No and let me guess, next you’re gonna ask if I’ve written any more songs, and to answer that, yeah I have.” I cut him off.

“Oh my God you can read my mind.” Luke says.

“Almost like we were best friends for years.” I sigh.

“Were?” Luke asks.

“I mean, we’re best friends that haven’t talked in months.” I sarcastically respond. “You can’t tell me you still think we’re best friends?”

“We’re not?” He chuckles.

“Luke, we haven’t talked for months, and every time we have, it’s been tense.” I tell him.

I almost want to laugh, does this boy seriously think we’re still best friends?

“Do you wanna change that?” Luke questions making me stop whatever I was thinking.

“Uh, I’m not sure.” I answer a little stumped. “Do you want to?” I blurt out.

“I mean, if I can’t have your heart, I’ll take your mind.” Luke states making me look up at him in awe.

“So we’re friends again?” I ask, making my stomach fill with butterflies.

“Only if you want.” He offers.

I put my fist out to see if he still remembers our handshake from years ago.

To my happiness, he does, and it makes us both smile wide.

“I don’t think we ever stopped being friends really.” Luke says.

“I mean…” I trail off.

“We stopped being lovers, but never truly friends.” Luke points out.

“We are strictly friends, you’re not gonna make any moves on me right?” I questions.

“Can’t promise anything.” He smirks and begins to walk away but I gently grab his hand before he can get out of me reach.

“Luke.” I warn making him laugh, ignoring the way his hand fits perfectly in mine.

Luke turns around and puts his hands on my shoulders, bending down slightly to be level with my eyes.

The feeling of his hands on me again, makes my heart go into a frenzy and slight tingels all over my body.

“I promise I won’t make any moves on you, and you can have the right to hit me if I do.” He promises.

“Thanks.” I chuckle and he brings me into a long over due hug.

This could be an absolutely terrible idea and a huge mistake in the long run, but right now, I couldn’t be happier, at least the happiest I’ve been in a long time. That’s all I’m looking for right now, little bursts of happiness.

“This is gonna be so weird.” Luke comments as we pull back, and his hands slide round from my back to my waist.

“Good weird or bad weird?” I ask.

“Just weird.” He shrugs. “I’ve missed you ya know.” Luke tells me.

“In what way because you said I have the right to hit you just now?” I tease.

“Just you yourself, I miss hanging out with you.” Luke honestly says to me.

“Same.” I nod and pull away from him.

“Are we back to normal now?” He questions.

“Depends what you call normal.” I shrug.

“Back to where we used to be.”

“I don’t think we can get back to where we used to for multiple reasons and I’m sure you know one of the main ones. My therapist told me to stop looking at the past because it became so bad I was actually living in the past, and we need to stop comparing things from the past and build a new future.” I answer. “So no, we aren’t, but we can make a new Luke and Harper.”

“I can see that, are we gonna be ignore and not talk about… uh the break up or…” Luke trails off, making me look down at my shoes, biting my lip.

“Are we making a mistake?” I blurt out.

“What with the whole best friend thing?” He questions.

“Yeah.” I nod slightly. “I mean, we were together for nearly a year, we can’t ignore that. Are we gonna get close again but then something happens, it makes an even bigger mess and then we’re gonna hurt so much more than before?”

“Are we only doing this because we miss each other?” Luke asks after some silence. “Romantically.” He specifies.

“Let’s be honest, I think there is some hint of that, but I do actually miss you as a friend.” I tell him.

“Same, so we’re still gonna go through with this?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want to.”

“I do, I just think it’s gonna be hard going from a couple to friends.” He confesses. “You think?” I furrow my eyebrows.

“Yeah, don’t you think so? Whenever I’m around you I just wanna put my arm round you or something.” He shrugs.

“That’s fair, but weren’t we all touchy feely before we started going out?”

“Yeah but it wasn’t awkward then, and there was a chance of us being together, and now if I touch you it’s weird and there’s no chance of us getting back together.” He explains.

“Just act how you want to act Luke, just don’t make any moves on me, which I know is hard to do.” I attempt to lighten up the mood.

“Sure is.”

***

“Are you doing anything for Halloween?” Luke asks me as we lay on his bed, he’s messing with his guitar, whilst I’m doing some revision.

“Uh, don’t think so, at least nothing apart from sitting around eating the sweets that are ment for the trick or treaters.” I shrug. “You?”

“The same.” He chuckles.

“Wanna join me?” I offer and look up as I finish a paragraph.

“Sure.” He answers.

It’s been a couple days since Luke and I have had our chat, and it’s been going really well. We’re taking everything quite slow, and it’s barely been awkward, just a whole lotta fun. At some points it feels almost wrong because we’re just ignoring everything that’s happened this whole year, and it seems crazy to just forget everything and pretend it’s all okay again.

“Have you got any horror film suggestions?” He asks.

“I want to successfully watch Saw without turning it off half way through.” I confess, making him laugh.

“Yeah, I guess you never did finish that.” Luke smile to himself.

“I’ve got a whole shelf full of DVDs and there’s some horror films in there, so we’ll what’s in there.” I inform.

“Have you ever watched a horror film right through to the end? Because you always start off excited and think you can handle it but always end up hiding away form it all.” Luke laughs.

“Actually my friend Cody is a horror film fanatic so I went over to his and watched The Conjuring right through.” I prove him wrong.

“It’s not even that scary, Harp.” He says.

“Tell that to me at 12 am in the dark.” I glare.

“I will on Halloween.” He teases.

“And don’t make me jump because that’s just mean.” I warn.

“Can’t promise anything.” He tells me.

“Luke I swear to god, I will never talk to you again.” I declare.

“Just be aware when you go round the corner at night.” Luke smirks.

“No, you have to promise me you won’t scare me!” I exclaim.

“Fine I promise I won’t scare you.” He sighs and puts his pinkie out to me, I move towards the end of the bed, and link my pinkie with his. “Too much.” He mutters after.

“Now I’m gonna be on edge all week.” I pout.

“Poor baby.” He coos and squeezes my cheeks with his hand, making me do a small fish face.

He pulls his hand away when I try to bite him, and he gives me a playful glare.

“Kinky.” He winks, making me roll my eyes.

***

“What we watching?” Luke asks and runs his hand down my back, making me swallow thickly.

“Uh, I’m not sure, everything seems too scary.” I chuckle as I look at the shelf.

“How about the Ju On: The Grudge?” He suggests.

“No that’s scary.” I whine.

“You’ve never watched it.” He claims.

“B-but the cover is scary.” I tell him, looking up at him.

“You’ve gotta face your fears.” Luke holds my shoulders and shakes me.

“That’s not fun though.” I tell him.

“Is staying safe and watching a Christmas film you’ve already seen a million times before fun?” He asks.

“Yes, yes it is.” I nod and take Elf off the shelf, going over to the tv.

“I’m not watching Elf for the millionth time with you on Halloween.” Luke sighs, reaching out for my waist, and pulling me back.

“I don’t wanna watch a scary film when I can be filled with happiness rather than fear.” I retort.

“Okay, let’s watch Saw 2.” He huffs.

“It’s still a scary film.” I say.

“Will it help if I protect you?” He questions.

“For the time being but I live on my own, what if the little shit rides his bike into my room?” I ask making him laugh.

“It’s not real.”

“You won’t be saying when a creepy monster comes for you.” I mutter and make my way to the sofa. “Pick a movie and if I call you in the middle of the night, don’t complain.”

Luke laughs and picks a movie and puts it in, before coming over and sitting next to me.

“The Ring, Luke?” I question, looking up at him in disbelief.

“Yeah, you can hide in me if you want.” He offers.

We’re about half way through the film now and it’s so scary, it might not be for some people but for me, I’m terrified.

“Luke I hate you so much for putting this on.” I tell him as a particularly scary scene comes on.

“It’s not that scary.” He claims as I hide in his shoulder, clutching his arm.

“You don’t know shit.” I say and look back at the television – big mistake.

“Harper.” Luke laughs and cups my jaw with his hand.

He looks into my eyes and I look into his, his full of amusement, mine full or fear, but his eyes vanish of that and he seems to of blocked out the movie. I notice his eyes trail down my face, and stare at my lips.

A loud sound on the television causes our attention to go to the screen with a different type of fear.

***

The sound of the alarm on my phone disturbs my peaceful sleep - the best one I’ve had in a while - and it makes me groan in annoyance. I sleepily turn the alarm off and place my phone on the table next to the sofa.

Opening my eyes, I take in my surroundings, popcorn all over the coffee table, Netflix home screen on the tv, still dressed in the clothes I was in last night (I’m lucky they’re comfy clothes), and a familiar arm wrapped around my torso.

One that hasn’t been in this nature in a long time.

Rolling over I bury my head into the boy I now call my friend, and he hums and wraps his arms tighter around me, seemingly unaffected by the obnoxious sound of my alarm.

I let out a sigh of content and begin to doze off again, so I’m in between sleeping and just thinking about random things.

It feels like it had been hours but it was actually just 10 minutes, when Luke’s alarm goes off, making him shift a little. I feel him reach into his pocket and pull out his phone, the noise that always makes me shudder halting to a stop.

“Morning, pretty girl.” He mumbles and I hum in response.

Luke digs his hand into my hair and plays around with it, making me smile to myself.

“We’ve gotta get up at some point.” Luke says after some time.

“Shhhh.” I sleepily reply, making him chuckle.

“Come on.” He encourages, lifting my arm up, but I make it go limp. “Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” Luke hits my my shoulder with my own arm.

“Stop.” I whine and nuzzle further into his shoulder to get away from him.

“Okay, fine.” He complies and drops it, making me jerk backwards.

“Stop.” I giggle.

I let out a huff and roll over, opening my eyes, rubbing some of the sleep out of them. Luke wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer into his chest.

“I thought you wanted us to get up.” I muse.

“I said at some point.” He points out.

“Whatever.” I shrug and pick my phone up, going through my notifications.

A text from Michael, another one from my brother Angus, a flurry of texts from Evie, and a missed call from my mum.

Replying to them to make myself wake up a bit more.

I think half of the film last night I missed because I hid in Luke’s shoulder, whilst he laughed and put his arm around me. I’ve told him before, I hate horror films yet he still makes me watch them. I can guarantee I will not be sleeping for a good couple weeks.

Contrary to that, I had the best night sleep I’ve had in a while.

Although I had to watch some cartoons after I watched the film so I wouldn’t be as scared. Looks like I fell asleep during those and apparently Luke did also.

Sitting up after a little while, and I stretch my arms, making me let out a moan. “Luke, you gotta get up.” I place my hand on his forearm.

“Just let me sleep a little longer.” He tells me.

“No, plus my parents are back in an hour and a half, so I’ve got shit to do.” I inform.

“Fine, god, you’re so annoying.” Luke whines but sits up next to me.

“I forgot how stroppy you are in the morning’s.” I tease and he just glares at me.

“You’re no better.” He accuses.

“Uh rude.” I huff.

“You’ve got sleep in your eye.” He says and reaches up to my eye, and picks it out, wiping it on my shoulder.

“Thanks.” I nod, and stand up. “Do you wanna eat breakfast here?”

“Uh, sure.” He shrugs, following me into the kitchen.

“We’ve got cereal, muffins, toast, or a bagel.” I offer as I look in various cupboards.

Luke goes into the cereal cupboard, and picks one of his choice.

“Don’t even know why I offered anything else.” I shake my head and hand him a spoon.

“You should know me by now,” Luke replies, sitting at the table.

I chuckle lightly and pick out a bagel, putting it under the grill, and I lean against the counter as I wait.

“So what do you do now that tour is finished?” I ask Luke.

“Make the new album, we’re gonna move out to LA in the new year, and we’ll begin to work out there for a while.” He explains.

“Oh cool, how long does that last?” I question.

“Were aiming for a couple months, but anything could happen.” He shrugs. “When do you go back to uni?”

“In a few days.” I sadly state.

“Oh.” Luke quietly replies. “When do you get a break next?”

“Nothing until Christmas.” I sigh, pulling my bagel out of the oven, placing the halves on the chopping board.

“We’ll still talk right?” He asks.

“Yeah, as much as I can.” I nod, putting my spread of choice on my bagel. “But hey, at least I’ve only got one full year left and most of another until I finish.” I attempt to brighten up the mood.

“That’s true.” He nods.

“Wait, I think we’re gonna spend Christmas in England this year, so I won’t be able to come out for Christmas.” I remember.

“You could still fly out for some of your break.” He suggests.

“Yeah that’s true.” I say, taking a bite of my bagel.

“I mean we went months with out seeing each other, I don’t think we’re gonna suffer too much.” Luke points out.

“Good point.” I respond, staring into space as I think about the times we didn’t talk at all after the break up. “How was that for you?” I blurt out.

“What?” He questions.

“Not talking after the break up.” I answer.

“Um, it was hard, really hard. Getting out of the habit of just picking up my phone and giving you a call or sending you a text was really hard. You were always the person I went to when I had a problem or I was feeling a sad or whatever, but when you were the reason, I didn’t have anyone to turn to.”

“Why couldn’t you just go to boys or Erika and Maddie.” I ask.

“They don’t get me like you do.” He shrugs.

I nod at this information, biting my lip as I think over it.

“How did you take it?”

“Uh, um, I found that I was at a loss, I didn’t know who to talk to. I ended up talking to my friend Blake, and he gave me some advice and his experiences. He told me to give myself time to grieve and don’t let it fester too long, but 6 months after that, I was way past the time period I was supposed to be grieving for. There was no one I could talk to about it all, my friends at uni just don’t get me like that, could never talk to my brother’s about it, only have one cousin that’s my age and she’s barely met you so wouldn’t understand it, my aunt Lauren doesn’t live anywhere near me, it’s just weird talking to my parents about it, I wasn’t talking to the boys so it would be awkward, same with Maddie and Erika. There was no one for me to talk to.” I explain.

Luke walks over to me, putting his bowl into the sink, and hooks his finger under my chin, making me look up at him.

“I also think you don’t let enough people in for you to be able to talk to people.” Luke sends a knowing look my way.

“You know I don’t like talking about certain things.” I sigh, moving away from him and going to the fridge.

“What’s one thing you missed about me?” He asks.

“I guess I missed not being able to talk to you about things, from just how my day’s gone to talking about things I’m struggling with right now.” I answer truthfully. “You?”

“I’d probably have to say the same.” Luke nods. “I missed everything being alright and normal whenever we saw each other.” He adds.

“But the times we did see each other, things were said that needed to be said.” I tell him.

Luke nods and leans on the counter opposite me.

“Damn, this makes me sad.” I chuckle lightly.

“Come here.” He gives me a lazy smile and opens his arms up.

Pushing off the counter, I stand between his legs and wrap my arms around his waist, leaning into him.

“Missed this.” He mumbles.

***

“Hey.” I say to everyone as I walk into Maddie’s living room and a chorus of greetings go around the room. I sit next to Erika, placing my bag by my feet, and leaning back.

“You go back in two days right?” Erika asks.

“Yeah, one full day then I leave in the evening the next day.” I explain.

“Do you wanna do anything special before you go?” Maddie questions.

“I’m not sure if I have the time to be honest.” I shrug.

“We could do something tomorrow night, or even tonight if you want.” Erika suggests.

“Like what?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I don’t know go out for dinner or something.” Erika answers.

“We’re not gonna see you for a while, think of it as a send off.” Maddie adds.

“I’ve got some revision to do tonight, then tomorrow I’ve gotta spend time with my family apparently, then the day after that I’ve gotta pack in the morning, then the afternoon I’ve gotta some things out.” I tell them

“All in favour to do something special before Harper goes, raise your hand.” Maddie announces and everyone but Calum raises his hand.

“Two against five.” Erika smirks.

“Why don’t you want to go, Cal?” Maddie asks.

“Uh what?” He questions, looking up from his phone.

“Why didn’t you vote yes?” She asks.

“Sorry, I wasn’t listening.” He laughs and pockets his phone.

“We voted if we do something special before Harper goes back.” She informs.

“Oh, sure, I’m in.” He nods his head.

“All in favour for doing something special before Harper goes home, raise your hand.” Maddie re-announces.

Everyone besides me puts their hand up, leaving me to sigh at my luck.

Luke reaches over and raises my arm for me, making me give him a disapproving look, which he replies with a wink, causing me to roll my eyes.

“Did anyone actually care to think that I don’t want to?” I ask.

“No, so where do you wanna go.” Michael claps his hands.

“If we’re taking you hostage for a couple hours, the least we can do is let you pick.” Luke reasons.

“Fine!” I huff. “Can we go out for dinner at that Italian restaurant we used to always go to?”

“Your choice.” Erika shrugs. “When do you want to go?”

“How about tonight so then tomorrow I can actually do what I wanted to do tonight.” I suggest.

“Deal.” Calum confirms.

“Who’s driving and when do we go?” Ashton questions.

“8?” Maddie suggests.

We all more or less agree that 8 is a suitable time to meet up, and we’re gonna take my car and Ashton’s.

“Babe, didn’t you say you had cake?” Erika asks Maddie.

“Uh yeah.” She nods and everyone gets up and bolts towards the kitchen besides me and Maddie.

“You not getting any cake?” Maddie asks as we hear arguing between Erika and Michael.

“No thanks.” I shake my head.

“So, Luke and you, huh?” She smirks.

“What?” I whip my head in her direction.

“You and Luke, look pretty close.” She tells me.

“You think?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I don’t think, I can see.” Maddie corrects.

“What do you 'see?’” I question, using quotation marks.

“Okay well firstly, you’re actually talking to each other,” She starts, making my roll my eyes. “You’re joking around, and when you came out the kitchen the other day, you both looked pretty giddy, almost as if something happened in there.”

“I can assure you nothing like that happened in there.” I inform.

“What did happen then?” She asks.

“We just decided to be friends again, that’s it, honestly, and we’ve been hanging out ever since then.” I esplain.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She furrows her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I did bring that up when we were talking, we agreed that nothing’s gonna come out of this.” I answer.

“I just don’t want you getting hurt again.” She gazes worriedly at me.

“It’s fine, we’re fine, he even game me permission to hit him if he makes a move on me.” I chuckle.

“I’m just saying, he still looks at you the same way he used to and speaks so highly of you, he clearly misses you so be careful.” She warns making me laugh.

“Luke’s not like that, he wouldn’t do that to me.” I shake my head.

“I’m not saying he’s playing you, I’m just saying because you seem to of forgotten everything that’s happened this year, and suddenly you’re best friends again.” She tells me.

“I haven’t forgotten everything that’s happened, it’s just I need Luke right now, and we’ve decided to become friends again.” I explain.

“Be careful, he misses you, and he might be abusing your friendship so he can be your lover again.”

“What did you mean earlier when you said he still looks at me the same?” I raise an eyebrow.

“You don’t see it?” She asks.

“He just looks at me like he normally does.” I shrug.

“Hold on.” She holds a finger up and pulls her phone up. “Here, he looks at you like this.” She says after a minute or two, I take her phone and look at the picture.

It’s a picture from some time last year, I’m laying on someone’s couch that I vaguely recognize as Calum’s, I’ve got a bowl of popcorn resting on my stomach, as I look up at him mid-laugh, whilst he stands a couple feet away from me, with his hands on his hips, looking down at me, a smile on his lips.

“He’s always looked at me like that.” I state as I pass her phone back to her.

“Yeah because he’s always had feelings for you, you can literally see the love coming from his eyes, Harper. He still looks at you like that, and your just friends now, all I’m saying is be careful.” She gets up and squeezes my shoulder, before walking out to go join the others and I’m left to think about what she said.

Is Luke really playing me to get me to be his girlfriend again?

He wouldn’t do that to me.

I sit there with my thumb between my teeth wondering what the possibility of Luke using my friendship.

Looking around the room a little lost, I spot an acoustic guitar next to the sofa I’m on, I pick it up and see if it’s in tune.

No, no it is not.

Music is helps clear my mind, I just think of the lyrics and try to figure out the chords by ear. It’s almost as if the world pauses for a couple minutes and the only thing is me and the music.

I’ve been working on a song recently, it was so hard to get it right, the lyrics never worked with the music very well and it took me ages to get the right words. I didn’t want to just throw some lyrics in there that I’m not happy with, I needed it to be perfect. I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to music, when it comes to other things, I couldn’t care less.

Once the guitar is tuned properly, I begin to toy with the strings and take in a deep breath.

“Man, you really know how to get someone down Everything was fine until you came around I’ve been chasing after dreamers in the clouds After all wasn’t I the one who said To keep your feet on the ground? Man, you really brought me back down

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

You got me tied up but I stay close to the window And I talk to myself about the places that I used to go I’m hoping someday maybe I’ll just float away And I’ll forget every cynical thing you say When you gonna hear me out Man, you really bring me down

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free But I wouldn’t care what it cost me

Reality will break your heart Survival will not be the hardest part It’s keeping all your hopes alive When all the rest of you has died So let it break your heart

And hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody

Hold on to hope if you got it Don’t let it go for nobody They say that dreaming is free I wouldn’t care what it cost me.”

Biting my lip, I let out a breath and run a hand through my hair.

“Okay well you lied.” A voice interrupts my thoughts.

“What?” I question looking up, seeing everyone stand by the door.

“You said that you couldn’t play any other instruments.” Calum explains.

“Oh, yeah I did.” I nod.

“Why?” Ashton asks and sits down, the rest following his actions.

“I don’t know, it’s just my own thing, I explained it the other day.” I tell them.

“What’s the song about?” Luke asks and I look over at him, looking in his eyes to see if I can see anything.

“I mean if you listened to the lyrics you’d understand.” I start, making him roll his eyes but smile after. “This song is about not losing hope and staying a dreamer, and almost as if I’m talking to my younger self.”

“It’s a really pretty song, Harper.” Erika smiles at me,

“Thanks.” I smile back. “Why do you have a guitar in here?” I ask Maddie.

“I tried to play it when I was 10 but I couldn’t get into it, so I gave it up, but it makes my family look like we have talent.” She answers.

“I tuned it for you, by the way.” I tell her.

“Thats a thing?” She furrows her eyebrows and I facepalm.

[thegirlwhohateschange]

Checked an Item Off the List

Remember almost 5 months ago when I said I made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish this year? I just checked what I was pretty sure would be the most difficult, virtually impossible to accomplish item off the list. I had sex.

To many of you (if anyone ever even reads this), this might seem like a questionable accomplishment. "Who cares? Everyone has sex," you might say. Well, I don't. Or rather, I hadn't until today. I am 34 years old, and before today I had only kissed 4 people. Nothing more than that.

Why did I hold on to my stupid ass virginity for nearly 3 and a half decades? Why did I not hop into bed with the first guy who winked at me? I pretty much did. Well, sort of.

A couple of things to know about me. I am obese. I have worked hard to get healthy, but I am now and will forever be big. Again, I know there are a lot of women and men for whom being bigger isn't a problem. I learned at an early age that being fat was the worst possible thing you could be. It's taken me a long time to stop hating my meat suit, even longer to realize that someone else might find it attractive.

Thing 2 - I have been abused. I let someone into my life in a platonic way and they whittled away at my world to make themselves feel better until there was almost nothing left of me. Then this "soul sister" abandoned me; just one day decided to stop picking up the phone. Did I play a part in this circumstance? Absolutley. I depended on her, she was the only person who was there for me, and it drove her crazy when she realized she could never get rid of me. She wore me down into this helpless, meek, opinionless person, and then she didn't like what she made. And I didn't know how to be different. I didn't even know there was anything wrong with ther way I was behaving. I still don't think I've fully recovered from that experience (or the decade I spent taking care of a codependent alcoholic after that), but I took a huge step towards changing that pattern of behavior today.

Thing 3: I have been hopelessly in love with my current housemate for almost 20 years. I met him when I was 14 years old and the first second I saw him I gave my heart away. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him (and I have had feelings for other people...I feel attraction, I get horny, I just had no idea what to do about those feelings and imagined that no one could ever feel any sort of attraction to me). It's like the lights dim and a spot shines just on him when he's in the room. I have to physically restrain myself from running when I hear the door to his bedroom open. Don't even get me started on how incredibly talented he is. He's absolutely brilliant, a phenomenal musician and songwriter, a marvelous graphic artists (he'd hate that, he's a DC guy), and an utterly amazing mind that not only keeps up with mine but pushes my boundaries of thought. I want him in every way possible. And after 19 years of loving him I told him how I feel last summer. And he does not feel the same way. The thing is, he's my best friend in addition to being the unrequited love of my life. It took me months to feel even a little bit ok, but I can't blame him. I'm really not for everyone, I know that... I'm hardly for anyone, and I can't blame him for not wanting me. It just... hurt. And it certainly doesn't help that he's still pining over his incredibly gorgeous, impossibly brilliant and talented ex. Anyway.

Thing 4: No one has ever wanted me. I mean no one has ever said the words to "I think your hot, and I would love to hook up with you." Who knew that was all it took?

So I'm working on my weight and my health, I'm in therapy for the abandonment and codependent stuff, and I'm desperately trying to get over my housemate because I'd rather have my best friend back than push the issue and end up with no one. My efforts to get over my housemate include being active on OKC. It's not great, but I'm terrified of people and really bad at understanding the signals they're sending. And a couple of days ago I get this message.

Usually when I get a super direct message the person will follow that first message up with "I'd love to take your virginity" or "are you really still a virgin?" That when I know I've become someone's quest. I'm not a woman to them, I'm barely a person at all. I'm a check mark, a mission, a notch on the bed post. Call me crazy, but I don't find being someone's fetish seductive. This guy didn't do that. So I did something very unlike me and actually opened his message and wrote him back.

He suggested we meet up somewhere public...good sign number 2. He made the plan for what to do, but let me pick the place (gs#3). He was nice and cute and interesting (gs#4). And finally, he made me feel comfortable and wanted... and that sealed the deal. Marijuana may have had an assist in the end.

It was not great, but it wasn't bad either. I was mostly unhelpful because I had no idea what I was doing, but he didn't seem to mind. I didn't tell him I was a virgin, which was pretty shitty of me. He made sure to get consent and made sure I enjoyed myself.

It's weird, I didn't think I would feel different. It's not as though I haven't been getting myself off for years. But I do kind of feel different. I didn't try everything. We didn't spend hours together afterwards (to be perfectly honest, I got kind of overwhelmed and lied to him about needing to go have dinner with my parents to get him to leave...I feel shitty about that too). He made it clear he'd like to hook up again, and I think I might like that.

I sort of didn't think this would every happen. I really thought I was going to die a virgin. Actually, it was one of the reasons I didn't kill myself a few years back when things were really bad; I didn't want to die a virgin. For more than 15 years I could not conceive of anyone wanting me. I actually don't know if I have ever felt like someone was attracted to me. I wonder how much I've missed, living in the world in my head, the world my friend programmed, the world my alcoholic ex-boss reinforced, the world where I was a monster, less than nothing, utterly repulsive. Now there's this guy who not only finds me interesting and attractive enough to talk to me on a dating site, but to actually meet me in person. A guy who wants to touch me, a guy who's dick gets hard being near me, a guy who apologized for coming so quickly because he was so into me (I had plenty of fun and reassured him of that).

Do I magically love my body? No. Did I instantly gain confidence? Maybe a little. Am I over my housemate? Hell no. I don't think I'll ever be over him, but I'm trying to move on. Do I think we'll hook up again? I hope so. I'd like to get better at this... learn what I like, try a few more things, and enjoy myself more. If we don't, we don't, but at least the wait is over.

I texted a friend and told her in the weirdest, most inappropriate, Happy Easter message ever (insert he is risen joke here). She told me it was the best text message she has ever gotten.

I'm not a virgin anymore, just thought you should know.