#mike throuple hell

[starlikeswomen]

another doodle of battat hair ok bye

[starrycloak]

Last night I saw a lighthearted post (sorry, I was doomscrolling and half-asleep so I missed it before I could think about it again. if you see this and you're the OP, please let me know!) that wondered how wild the reaction to the hypothetical scenario of willelmike becoming endgame as a poly relationship (unicorn polycule or angle??) would be like from both m11s and bylers, and that sent me back to think about people's reactions towards these ships (and fanon throuple) throughout the years. While I cannot 100% attest to this, (mostly bc I don't have the figures at hand, only anecdotal information from back when I ignored how twisted a-oh-3 is as an organization), it's quite telling how, from the very beginning, most fans kind of realized a polycule-to-solve-the-love-triangle for once wasn't really in the cards for these three characters in canon.

let's take a look at some of the st fandom's shipping preferences across the years ->

s1: "look at these sweet kids, surving the horrors and just being innocent. I hope mike and el reunite and one day they can date for realsies" <- that was the GA and most of the first wave of fans back in 2016. Not denying that some of the earliest fans did feel a bit concerned about the aforementioned traumatized kids (especially the little girl raised 'alone' in a lab) jumping into crushes and kisses in less than a week, but hey, it was the first season, why not wait and see where this is going? So yeah, that was the 'm11 majority era', as far as fan content and viewer investment is concerned.

@ that person from twitter who posted about miwi/byler fifteen days after s1 was released + earliest wheelclairs and miwis: all the love in the world <33

the post-s2 fandom landscape, however, largely transformed with the direction the text took with yk, pretty much everything related to how the writers handled m11 and placed much more focus on miwi going through hell together and how deeply their bond ran, recontextualizing the weight of the events and reactions during s1 even more. Externally, I'd argue a few adjacent 2017 pop culture moments, particularly the release of Muschietti's IT Chapter One, with finn playing a queer-coded boy from the 80s in a supernatural/horror setting, also played a part into the fandom looking at (or pondering about) one mike wheeler in a new light. A ST x IT crossover from back then that didn't feature the reddie + miwi combo was, for the most part, a rarity, especially when it came to that one staple moment (/aff) where the 'tozier-wheeler cousins' roasted each other about who was more whipped for their respective brunette besties. So yeah, while miwi couldn't have ever been considered a crackship (not even in the s1 era, also considering will's own 'ambiguous' -at the time- queercoding being an elephant in the room), its new popularity made it so it was less and less common to see an exclusive m11 majority in the fandom.

thus, from 2017 on, many multishippers (big fans and casuals alike) entertained the possibility that at least there could be something there hanging between mike and will, still unbeknownst to both of them. However, that lightheartedness probably came more from trying not to expect anything more than that in the show down the road, given that m11 seemed to have smooth sailing after the s2 finale and, possibly, the average viewer probably giving them the benefit of the doubt one more time (i.e "well, we haven't really seen el and mike interact in peacetime in a while, but we know they love care about each other surely -hopefully they'll be a cute power couple!")

a 2018 intermission is very interesting, considering it's the year that saw the most poly!willelmike works in a*0*3 (around a hundred in total in the tag by the time of posting) -majority with a "mike loves them both and they work it out ft. stoncy mentors" (and even some ocassional polyam-bi!will in a unicorn polycule -i.e. where all three of them date each other), but most of these take place in non-canon compliant aus. This period is also worth mentioning because, after the release of s3 in 2019 canonized -okay, "heavily implied"- gay!will and how m11's canon relationship is indeed meant to be written like that for a bigger narrative purpose (el's independence and autonomy and mike's journey towards honesty and embracing his own rules about growing up), a similar level of engagagement (and hype for that particular dynamic) hasn't been reached again in six years.

flashforward to 2022 and pretty much where we still are today: m11 as a failed (romantic) relationship being detrimental to both parties involved -one arm of the angle down-, will's feelings for mike and his gay identity (almost) confirmed (so his sexuality would be incompatible with el as a femme character anyway even if she weren't pretty much his adoptive sis now), and, besides him clearly not being in love with El in s4 -or ever? shall we also mark this arm of the angle as down now??-, mike's true feelings still up in the air (as far as official confirmation goes, that is -schodinger!mike being a well-written character or not depending on whether or not he's grappling with being true to himself and the one he loves.) The big waves of former-m11s-turned-bylers post s4, the level of vitriol and defensiveness hardcore m11 stans have adopted to protect their ship against 'slander' and 'delusion' in the last few years (and some particularly homophobic folks popping in from time to time), and the attitude of some casual fans towards byler, claiming it would be 'forced' if it turns out to be the endgame ship, all across this period are also noteworthy. So, taking all of this into consideration, imagining a last-minute ménage à trois being presented the final, rewarding, comforting resolution to this story so nobody ends the show "alone and sad, though"? That's gotta be, yep, impossible to sell narratively, in-universe AND for the audiences in a way that even makes sense.

So yeah, highly unlikely outcome: pretty much everyone would be getting clowned on that way, and not only because of their shipping preferences.

On a much more lighthearted note, I actually love how this little attempt at historical recollection reinforces how mike really has long and largely been percieved as the one who cannot stop seeking will and feeling a certain way about him, and yet he's "the straightest character in any media ever" lmao

[awesomelynerdymama]

Hey y'all! This is my first attempt at Tumblr fic l, but I've had so much inspiration from @mynameismckenziemae @withahappyrefrain @sometimesanalice that I couldn't help but at least try posting my own fic. This is just a short prologue to what I hope is a long lived story and it's a Jake/OFC/Bradley fic, so is that isn't your think, definitely scroll on by.

Title: Love is a Funny Thing

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x OFC x Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw

Triggers: Character significant other death, cancer, funeral, hints of a throuple if you squint

Disclaimer: I own nothing Top Gun or Top Gun: Maverick related. I just borrow the characters for my own self indulgent purposes.

If you want to be added to the tag list, just let me know.

Prologue

You made it through the diagnosis. You made it through the surgeries, the hospital stays, the chemo, and the radiation. You made it through goodbye and planning. You made it through the ceremony, the drive to the cemetery, the flag being presented to your son (he held together so well and you were so proud of him), the missing man flyover, and the 21 gun salute.

Now, though, now you were standing there alone, everyone else had left to head back to the house for the reception, watching them bury the love of your life in the cold, unfeeling earth and you couldn't make it through anymore.

The tears came first, hot and harsh. Then the sobs. They started out small and finally built to wrack your whole body. Each inch of dirt made it hurt a little more. Each inch took him further and further away from you. You knew the body in that casket wasn't really him. He was long gone. No longer in pain and no longer suffering. Well, unless he knew how you were doing right now. He'd hate that, but you couldn't help it anymore. You'd been so strong for so long and the dam had finally broken.

You were angry. Angrier than you'd ever been in your life. It wasn't fair. Mike had been the love of your life and you'd only gotten twelve years with him, barely longer than your first marriage that had been a young mistake. What had your family done to deserve this? What had Mike done? Hell, what had you done? You could almost see all the retirement and life plans slipping away on the faint breeze rustling through the spring trees.

It was a beautiful day. Such a relief after weeks of rain, but right now that made you mad too. How dare Mother Nature show off in this way when your heart was shattering into pieces? The enormous unfairness threatened to overwhelm you and you felt your knees buckle. A silly little voice in the back of your head chided that the mud under your knees was going to run your pantyhose and a watery giggle made its way out between sobs. What a ridiculous thing to think. Who gave a fuck about pantyhose when your life was falling apart at the seams?

You were taken aback a split second later when you didn't feel mud squelching under your splayed knees, but instead felt two sets of strong arms holding you inches off the ground. You knew without looking who they belonged to. You should have known they'd stay behind, waiting for you to be ready to leave. They probably loaded up the kids themselves and fended off well meaning family members.

The four of you had been fast friends almost since the moment your husband transferred into their unit at Top Gun as the new logistics officer. The three of them had always seemed an odd trio to those that saw them together on base. Two hot shot pilots hanging out with an unglamorous logistician? Not something you see every day, but something had clicked and you knew the first time he brought them home for dinner that they would always be family. That was six years ago when you'd been pregnant with your youngest.

The diagnosis had come four years later and you'd fought right alongside Mike until he told you he was done. Two years is a long time for David to fight off Goliath. You'd gone through all the stages of grieving, you thought, while you watched him slowly fade from the enigmatic man you'd married and raised five kids with to a shell of a man that held on far too long because he knew it would hurt you and the kids.

You finally convinced him it was okay to go with whispered reassurances in his ear and a final kiss on his lips. The older two were in the room as you held him through his last breath and you would probably always wonder if that had been a mistake, but they were grown, 21 and 19, and had earned the right to make the decision when they stayed in the trenches with y'all through the whole ordeal.

Bradley whispering calming words into your ear while Jake stroked your hair brought you back to the current shitty reality. You should have known they'd stay. They'd been there right along with the rest of you through the whole thing taking kids to school and practice, getting Mike to and from appointments, and coming by in the evenings to help you maintain the house. You really had no idea what you had done to deserve them. They truly had been one of the greatest silver linings to an unbearable change to your amazing life.

You tried to stand up. Tried to control your breathing to get the sobs to subside. You even tried to get to the wad of tissues in your purse to stem the flow of tears and snot streaming down your face, but in the end all you could do was let loose the loudest, most gut wrenching scream from the depths of your soul at the reality that the man you loved more than anyone in the world was truly gone. As soon as it ended, you felt your entire body go limp. You had nothing left, but you didn't have to worry as Jake swung you up into his arms and Bradley gathered your shoes and purse before gently wiping your face. They both turned to head to the one remaining vehicle on the road, Jake's truck, and you glanced back to watch the heavy equipment finish burying your heart in the ground.

The drive home was silent with Jake holding your left hand from the driver's seat and Bradley rubbing your shoulders from the back. You found yourself vaguely wondering if they were as attentive with each other in their relationship as they were being, and had been over the last few months, with you. It was a weird, random thought and you found yourself shaking your head in disbelief that it had even crossed your mind on today of all days.

The motion caught both their attentions, but anyone other than you would have known that neither had let you out of their sight for more than a moment all day, so that minute movement had them wondering what you were thinking.

Jake spoke first, “What's on your mind, sweetheart?”

There was a moment of hesitation as you came up with a believable lie, but then you said, “Just thinking about how much I don't want to face all those people at the house.”

“You don't have to, you know. We could take you somewhere else, anywhere else, if you want us to,” Bradley offered as he continued gently rubbing your shoulders.

You scoffed lightly, “That's just what everyone needs, another reason to talk about my supposed ‘boy harem’.”

Jake looked affronted, “You say that like it's a bad thing. You could do much worse than me and Rooster as members of your harem. I'm hurt.”

You couldn't have stopped the giggle that bubbled up no matter how hard you tried, but just as quickly as it started, it morphed into a sob as you realized you were now one member fewer in your fictional harem.

“God, I just miss him so much,” you sniffed as you brought your emotions back under control, “this isn’t how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to be getting serious about planning for retirement and weddings and grandbabies. I'm not supposed to be doing this alone. What do you do when you lose the love of your life in your forties? How are you supposed to plan the other half of your life alone?”

“You won't be alone,” Bradley gently reassured, “we'd never let that happen.”

You smiled at him in the rearview mirror and patted his hand on your shoulder before responding, “I know, but having two amazing best friends at my beck and call, while great, isn't exactly what I was talking about, but I really do appreciate y'all more than you know.”

A look you couldn't quite decipher passed between the two and you usually would have questioned it, but given the day, you were off your game and let it pass.

“We know you do, darlin, and we appreciate you too,” Jake finally answered as he pulled into the driveway of your home. Thankfully, everyone has been courteous enough to leave a spot open and you found your feet automatically pulling you out of the truck toward the front door before you even had time to think.

A gentle hand on your wrist had you turning to see both men standing at each other's side behind you. Jake smiled as he released your hand, “Are you sure you want to go in there?”

You returned the smile and took a deep breath before answering, “Yeah, it's the last big thing I have to do today, play hostess for a few hours. I owe it to Mike and the kids to be in there for them and you know as well as I do that Charlotte is probably looking for me already. Jack's probably sick of all the attention he's getting and Elizabeth is probably losing her mind trying to keep up with everything. The other two are probably hiding in a corner trying to figure out what to do. They need me. Are y'all coming in?”

You knew the answer. There's no way they'd leave you alone until everyone was gone and you kicked them out, but there was that look again. What was up with these two today? You weren't going to let it slide this time, but Jake beat you to it, “Umm, yeah, we'll be in in just a minute. Let us grab our jackets from the truck.”

You nodded, even though there was still that niggling suspicion that something was up, and turned to head inside to handle the crowd. Mike had been loved both by the staff on base and the friends and family you'd made over your short time together and his longer time in the Navy. You knew the house would be packed and normally that was the way your wanted it, but today you just wanted to be left alone with the little family you had made.

Regardless, your heart always warmed when you laid eyes on your house, though. It was your forever home and you'd both poured love into it as such. It was a beautiful craftsman on a scenic street in Coronado of all places. You never thought you'd be a West Coast girl, firmly believing the East Coast was where you would end up, but here you were and you couldn't imagine living anywhere else now that moving every three years was no longer your reality.

Your hand grasped the antique doorknob that you'd spent months searching for and you paused a second longer, just savoring the quiet, then gently pushed the door open to the cacophony of noise that came from the nostalgic crowd inside.

Back on the lawn, two sets of eyes were intent on you until the door closed at your back. Still, neither man moved for a moment. Bradley finally broke the silence, “When are we going to tell her?”

“Tell her what?” Came Jake's quick reply.

Bradley pulled an exasperated face, “That the Padres are going to the World Series. You know exactly what I'm talking about. About the letters Mike left for us and for her.”

Jake was silent for a few more moments as he still stared at the closed front door, finally responding with, “When she's ready. She needs time. I know it, Mike knew it, and you know it too. We move too fast and we'll lose her. We both know that. The last thing we want is to lose the woman we love, especially because her dying husband gave us his blessing.”

Wrapping his arm around Bradley's waist, Jake pulled him in for a quick kiss on the cheek before leading him toward the front of the house, “Come on, babe, let's go help our girl.”

Thank you so much for taking the time to treat this short little blurb. I hope to have a longer chapter one up in the next few days

[attempt-at-fanfic]

The Other Angel

Michael and Max sat at opposite ends of the table in the motel room, not glaring at each other just watching. Analysing each other, waiting for the other to have the smallest reaction. There was no hate between them more a… distaste. Michael didn’t really like humans (apart from Adam) and Max wasn’t a fan of archangels. Funnily enough after dealing with both Lucifer and alternate reality Michael, she didn’t really feel like hearing, seeing or talking to anymore archangels as long as she could help it.

Adam, who wasn’t in control of the vessel right now, was astral projecting sitting on the chair between them trying to not laugh at how ridiculous they were. He should have known this was going to happen, they were practically identical (guess he had a type). Deeply loyal to a fault but also very untrusting of strangers, protective of what (or who) they care about. So ,in theory, they should get along but the reality wasn’t looking that bright and Adam wasn’t sure how much more he could deal with this bizarre throuple’s therapy.

“So…we all just going to sit here in silence all day or…” he tried to start. Max tilted her head to the side, still watching Michael, she smirked. Adam knew what she was doing, she did this to every annoying customer she used to get at the diner, she was trying to get a reaction out of Michael, baiting him. Adam sighed “Cmon guys, we need to make this work. And to do so you guys actually need to talk. You both promised you would do that?” They both huffed. “I’m willing to talk. If she’s willing to listen.” Michael said. Max shrugged “Maybe I would listen, if you had anything interesting to say angel.” Michael clenched his jaw showing his annoyance, this made her smirk widen.

Adam shot her a look, it was hard to be annoyed at her though. He cared for Michael but his love for Max never stopped, and after all this time seeing that she hadn’t fully change. He missed her, during the 10 years in hell and last few months felt like a dream to be back with her. After everything they had been through, they were still those dumb kids staying up to ridiculous times at night watching TV, and eating way too much candy, while his mum was at work. “Michael, why don’t you start then, since you’re actually being cooperative” Max scoffed, glaring at Adam “Why do you not like Max?” Michael rolled his eyes. “Cmon buzzard, the quicker we do this the quicker it’s over.” Max said moving in her seat. She tilted her head to the other side “Then we can go back to our mutual hatred.”

Michael looked her in the eyes “Why didn’t you try to get to the cage?” This took Max by surprise, she opened her mouth but nothing followed. “Because the way I see it, you keep saying how much you care about Adam and how you missed him yet, you never even attempted to get him out. Not once.” Max remained quiet. It was Michael’s turn to smirk “I guess you are just like the Winchesters. Family matters until it becomes inconvenient. How long did it take until you forgot about the cage completely?”

“You son of a-“ “Max!” She stood up out of her chair, she looked like she wanted to hurt Michael. “You have no right to question me like that!” Michael glared at her “No, actually I have every right too.” Max glare down at the angel “Listen here you over-grown, magic turkey. I don’t have to explain myself to you! You and your fucked up family have been screwing me over from day one, and you’re here acting all high and mighty! Well you know what Mike’s, at least I didn’t throw my brother in hell! At least I didn’t tell the other to fuck off! And at least I didn’t leave one to deal with my shit in heaven after getting myself thrown in the cage!”

This caused Michael to stand, his eyes glowing blue. “Watch your mouth!” She smiled “Don’t even start that shit. Trust me after dealing with Luci, I can assure you, you are not even close to being scary.” The two of them glared at each other. Adam cleared his throat to get their attention. “Can you both sit back down and calm it.” He looked between them expectantly. Michael begrudgingly took his seat again but Max remained standing, glaring down at him.

“For your goddamn information, angel! I did! I looked everywhere for an answer! I tried everything! Nothing worked! And the winchesters-“ Max paused to stop her self from crying. “I asked Sam and Dean, they told me it was impossible! Even Castiel said it wasn’t possible!” She leaned forward on the table. “So don’t you dare try and throw that in my face.” Adam sighed “Max, sit down please.” She glared at Adam but sat down anyway. Adam looked at Michael, glaring at him to apologise. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise.” Max’s gaze landed on the floor as the uncomfortable silence returned to the motel room.

“Max, why do you have a problem with Michael?” She looked between Adam and Michael. “Aside from the obvious stick up his ass.” She looked over at Adam, who wasn’t impressed. She sighed “Let’s called just ‘bad experiences’ with Archangels, especially ones called Michael.” She looked at Michael again just glaring at him. He had a confused look “What does that mean?” Max looked away, tears quickly forming under her eyes, she shook her head. Adam and Michael look at each other. “Babe….what’s wrong?” Adam leaned forward, towards Max. She calmed herself down, “I…don’t wanna talk about it.”

She sighed, sat back and then looked at Michael “Look… I’m not gonna trust you, not for a while. I recognise that’s on me cause I know you’re not your brother or the weird alternate universe Michael. Don’t ask. I just……I just need time. Please. Can you give me that?” Michael looked at her, scanned her face, and for the first time since Michael met her, she was vulnerable. It shocked the angel, he wasn’t use to that, the open vulnerability. “Ok” he said quietly “I will try my best to not make that worse for you.” She smiled, before turning to Adam “Happy?” He smiled at both of them, “It’s a start. A good one”

Alex stood up “Good, now I’m hungry. I’m going to get food, if you boys want to join you can.” She walked out. Adam turned to Michael “That means she wants us to go with her but doesn’t want to asks. Michael stood up “I will never understand that.”

Adam laughed “You will.”

[professionalapathetic]

Notes I took during my first Chapter 3+4 playthrough:

(Any additional notes from the future will be written in blue like this. Keep in mind, there were substantial lengths of time throughout when I wasn't taking notes. Think of this like a very poorly optimized liveblog.)

Wow they really just came out with the truth about darkners right away. …He is here. and nobody got his typing quirk right, lmao AND MIKE'S HERE TOO

OMG, IT'S YOU GOT LANCER'D!!! Lanino and Elnina went the exact opposite direction everyone thought it would. It seems like Tenna is trying to cover up all of the actual drama, rather than focusing on it.

Surely someone must have guessed that the tv channels in chap 2 would come up here… Wait, does that mean Susiezilla is coming? 0_0 The clip of His Theme on the word "brother" is devious

Purple cliffs… Remember that Flower torn in half; red antlion under the ground; green geyser, dig up; Plant of spikes

… So the Rouxls thing is definitely a metaphor for Toriel, Asgore, and Sans, right?

BUY ICE CREAM FOR SUSIE, FROM RALSEI (I wrote this down and then completely forgot about it T_T)

Forgot to write this down sooner, but Tenna's animation makes me deeply uncomfortable :)

Forgot to take notes for a bit. Interesting that Rudy seemed to stick around for a while after Asgore and Dess were gone.

… So that's gotta be Dess, right? Just based on the design.

The prayer book is missing. Lol at Susie's reaction pls be a dress pls be a dress pls be a dress… disappoint. But still interesting connotation that Toriel's church clothes are her undertale design

"Susie prize" byoutiful "What the hell is this giant bloodstain" What's going through her head: "How crazy was your first period?!" Neat that she knows how to clean up bloodstains

Noelle has every hobby. Cattenheimer Why'd it take me so long to realize Rudy is there? (the Catty bit): This is definitely a true story, isn't it. I could listen to Catty's hymnal until I drop dead. (I wrote "hymnal" but I think the word I was looking for was "homily". Also, I did spend like five minutes listening to Catty's nonsense and I do not regret a single second of it.) "Carol" confirmed! We're probably gonna see her this chapter. WHAT THE FUCK IS ASGORE'S "YOU KNOW WHAT"!?!?! Alvin doesn't write out of fear of "tarnishing his father's legacy". Is he a thematic antithesis of "creation"? Jockington's speech pattern is going to drive me insane. I love it. Pine tree, Badge, Delta Rune: Holidays, Police, and DREEMURRS!! … Or yeah, the church. Susie is smarter than me. "Someone who knows the mayor, goes to church, and is involved with the police" DAD!!!!

"I have… So many questions" My response to most of this overworld section. (I think this was specifically brought about by seeing Catti in the hard hat) That has to actually be Temmie Chang singing, right. "I wike you too, Suwsie" I knew it was gonna be that sprite.

Watching tea party: "I feel like shit is about to hit the fan rapidly. This is too nice." … So Tenna's NOT DEAD. Everything about Rouxls has been the best part of both chapters so far.

Forgot to take notes for the Noelle's house bit. There was a lot of laughing involved. (Berdly phone call) Again… So many questions. "And you know what dominoes means, Kris? You're next." So we're really just going there (Black door) … Oh. 1 2 2 Yes you two are very cute but if you'll excuse me my BODY IS EITHER DYING OR PLOTTING THE END OF THE WORLD PLEASE LET ME OUT So, to be clear, you didn't just trip, right? This is straight up killing you. Didn't write anything down during that scene (Carol's introduction) because I was busy shitting myself. Anyway, Carol totally could have been the voice on the phone right? Bit of a twist FUCKING ASK ASGORE, HE PROBABLY KNOWS ALL THREE CODES

(Whole beginning of the church dark world) Ralsei is going to throttle this woman.

Golden choir; dulcet wire WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, GOAT BOY? I am sensing some real tension among the power throuple.

Those witches are definitely the secret boss, right? down middle right middle up middle up left

Was alvin digging up the hammer in chapter 2, or did he never bury it in the first place?

Forgot to take notes again. WE'RE SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUSING THE MF btw I did find the secret boss a while ago but couldn't beat it :/ (I kept a backup save so I could go back and try again)

The prophecy is either "Ralsei dies" or "The dark worlds are destroyed" Calling it now. "Only then will the worlds be saved" Welp, there goes the latter option. We were supposed to get chapter 5 on top of these two?!?!

O_O I'd recognize that fuckin' piano anywhere. Hey! Now we know where Susie lives Please, no susIE DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THEM!! Same, Kris

(I will be returning shortly with some random post-chapter thoughts.)

[princesssmars]

Hey, I had an idea. Or two. (If you do in-depth smut)

One was an in-depth, like explained, and words and actions, Sam x Mike x Reader. Mike and Sam's jealousy of someone at a party flirting with their girl.

Washington!Sister reader with Mike and Sam. It's a secret because Hannah likes Mike. She was never treated like a Washington. She didn't know why. She just wasn't. So she started not caring. Then, when Sam had come over one day, it evolved from there, and eventually Mike caught them, and that progressed. They are on a Washington vacation, the whole group of friends. After a night of all the group watching movies and the throuple, teasing each other when they pass by one of the other two, they meet up in the room Mike is staying in. They get lost in each other, not hearing the talking or footsteps. Ashley had convinced Hannah to talk to Mike, so she heads to his bedroom, knocking, but they don't hear her, and she walks in seeing them. She gasps, but they don't hear, and obviously, they're in a very compromising position like Sam and Reader making out while she teases Reader and Reader is sat on Mike's lap. She screams,'What the hell?!' Before she gets mad and starts yelling, making the whole group go to where Hannah is yelling. They see the trio, and its all shock. None of the three really care what the others think, but Mike is trying to make sure his girls are covered. There were other boys in the house too. Like all of that from the start of the relationship all the way to the bottom. It's kind of like a oneshot but like a story chapter or two combined. I just like very long chapters.

Please reply when you see this so I know whether you might or not, and you can let me know whether you like it.

~🦦

otter anon ur mind...love the idea and i would love to write this in the future! i can just imagine a not horrible but rightfully kind of bitchy (mike's type) reader being the middle child, born after josh but before the twins and the parents kind of dismissing her which leads to her siblings doing the same. maybe one of those nepo kids who's always in the tabloids and what better way to cause a stir than to start dating the guy your sisters in love with? mike would def convince reader to keep it a secret, not wanting to hurt the youngest washington's feelings. almost got caught cause again, sam saw and of course they invited her because everyone loves her.

its a movie night and they all sneak away to mike's room, who probably got you to oh so nicely tell everyone he was getting one of the rooms with a bigger bed because "he said he's started moving around in his sleep, i dont want him to fall and break his neck. its gonna bring bad attention."

and i will admit normally getting caught scenarios give me so much anxiety even though its. fake. but i would not mind being caught by them.

[blenderenvy]

I think we can all agree Lucas has by far the most riz out of the party. Like this man could pull all the bitches. And every pairing that involves Lucas is just a absolutely iconic ship.

Lumax? Hell freaking yeah, gotta be one of the top mf ships of the decade! They are so absolutely precious!

El x Lucas? Give me more right now. The rival/enemy to friend to lovers autism girlfriend and ADHD boyfriend energy these two can have. I think that self acceptance is something the two of them need.

Elumax? Yes yes yes. My absolute favorite stranger things ship and definitely one of my top otps of all time. These bitches all deserve each other. Lucas and El find a shoulder in each other during max coma, help destroy vecna and save max, while falling inlove with each other in the process. The absolute bi4bi4bi energy that radiates from these beautiful people.

Wheelclair? Absolutely, are you telling me Michel 'boy lover' Wheeler didn't have an giant ass crush on Lucas in middle school? I think Mike was Lucas's first kiss.

Byclair? Yes! Only one of the og party continued to search for Will after meeting El, and not trying to piss of the bylers here, but it wasn't Michel Wheeler. This is an absolute soft cutesy boyfriends ship, the artist and the jock who are both nerds with a heart of gold.

Bywheelclair? yes definitely absolutely. Lucas deserves two boyfriends, this is a power throuple in the making, the chemistry and cutest nerdyness levels are off the charts

Dustin x Lucas? Qpr goals

Name a more rizzed up character? I'll wait

I just love this man with my whole chest and i need people to understand, because this fandom doesn't show enough love to my boy!

[systarkitty]

🔮 INTRO POST 🔮

It's me BEA!!!!!! 🎉

Welcome to my blog, AKA the "Cornplating Catastrophe" and "Hyperfixation Hell"! I post and reblog stuff I like. I don't have any other blogs, I just dump it all here!!!

Worry not, I've come prepared with the handy

🏷 TAG DIRECTORY:

#systarkitty art tag - all of my art!

#bea is rambling - textposts/images ^_^

#mike guys - MIKE THROUPLE POSTING 🎤💗🎙

#🎱 asks - self explanatory...

Art programs: My primary art app is Medibang Paint and I use ibispaint for effects/backgrounds. I also use Adobe Animate for animation!!!

Interests: Undertale/Deltarune, Rhythm Heaven, wbwwb, asdfmovie, Don Hertzfeldt, my ocs, a lot of junk LOL. There's more on STRAWPAGE!!!

DO NOT INTERACT/FOLLOW:

PROSHIPPERS/PROFIC and NSFW/18+ accounts. Just any weirdos, bigots, and all that.

HEADS UP:

Things I blog can contain cartoon violence, blood, & eyestrain.

I go bananas in tags, sorry!! ^o^'

[formulanaughty]

What do we think a threesome with Dan and Mike would be like, logistically? Not talking about the nasty sh*t (‘cause we know that they would deliver) but like, what happens after? Especially if you’re in an established relationship with one of them. Do they never speak of it after? Does it just happen all the time? Is it a throuple situation where they share you? I spend a regrettable amount of time contemplating this scenario and I need peer reviews.

oh i LOVE the logistical stuff (when it’s totally outside the realm of possibility - i don’t know if i want to talk about things that could Actually Happen) cause it totally suits my adoration for world-building!!

so.. my assumption is that, even if you’re in a committed relationship with one of them, a threesome is always joked about, but in the ways where someone makes the joke and then you all pause for just a moment too long, collectively wondering what if.

your partner brings it up, says he’s been thinking about it. thinking about it so much that he can’t stop. and he gives you the choice, says it’s your decision and that he’ll be happy either way because he loves you and your sex life and he’s fulfilled and-

“yes.”

silence. “what?”

“let’s do it. you two are so close and you’re both sexy as hell. i trust you, and i’m onboard.”

“oh. ye-yeah. okay.”

you end up spread out below him, fingers gripping the seam of the couch so tightly you’re sure it will rip as he shows his appreciation with his lips and tongue.

from there it could go three ways, like you said! i love the idea of them being in a throuple (i just think they balance once another so well) but i also think it could be a convenience thing. a “you need to get off and we’re both here and horny, join in” type deal. (that’s almost hotter than a throuple, tbh.)

although, i don’t think that they’d be the type to never mention it again. they’re always cracking an inappropriate joke about it at inopportune times to embarrass the other about it because they don’t take it too seriously. if it was a one-time thing, it was a fun-time thing and they don’t mind bringing it up for a joke

[cecesxwickedxocsx]

So I stayed up until 4 am watching Stranger Things Season 4 Vol 1 and- I have thoughts. Please note that below the cut there are spoilers

I don’t want Steve and Nancy. I keep thinking about the people complaining that Erica was shoehorned in and like- no. she was fine, great, love Erica. What was being forced in was the ‘romantic’ tension between Steve and Nancy and I hated every moment of it. Also why does Eddie- the guy on the run for a murder he didn’t commit and currently trapped in the upside down, something he didn’t know existed until a day or two ago- giving a flying fuck about the romance between Steve Harrington and Nancy Wheeler- two people he didn’t seem to really know or even like?

Eddie Munson is baby. 

Erica is great, again, love her. I think she adds a level of humor that is hard to get from the other characters who are all actually traumatized children. 

Dustin is great 10/10 no notes. 

Why do they keep having Lucas be like- the one who abandons the friendship? Like??? In his defense, Mike and Dustin definitely weren’t there for his big moment because scheduling conflict but him so quickly lying about D&D and the hellfire club and then watching as the weird jocks beat the hell out of the other guys in the group like??? Other than that Lucas is amazing and I love him. 

Max is a queen. Her taste in music is flawless. Also in the trailers it showed Billy’s grave reading Billy Hargrove and later reading William and I know some people had theories about that but in the actual show (so far) it only showed William so was that an editing error or like- I guess we’ll see in July. 

Mike kind of sucks. idk what to tell you. Nothing on Finn, Mike is just kind of shit. 

Robin’s gay panic is relatable. Her sudden added ‘quirkiness’ is- something. 

I would like more Will. I feel like there wasn’t much of him in the season so far other than being angry at Mike- apologizing to Mike (As well as accepting Mike’s apology) and the painting we keep hearing about- which I’m not totally clear on where it is right now? Will packed it but I think they left their packs behind when being gunned the fuck down?

Winona’s face is 10/10. No notes. 

The Hopper situation is a lot. Also I’m convinced the Russian guy is not making it to the end of the season. 

Murray continues to be great. I would let him and his black belt hold my drink in the bar.

I totally called Grindelwald being 1. I also called him having something to do with the kids dying. However I didn’t predict Jace Wayland actually being the son of Victor Creel. Though in retrospect I should have. fuck Caius. Cheers to them copy pasting and recoloring Red Skull for Vecna’s design tho

Suzie’s family is Mormon, right? I mean they could be quiverfull fundies but like??? They’re in Utah. so?

Fuck Brenner and Owens. 

all in all- I think this season just has way too much going on. I completely forgot about the satanic panic led by Preppy Billy and his band of merry hooligans up until I was writing this about Lucas. There was just so damn much to keep up with and while I’m sure it was all necessary to some degree I’m just like- not caring about certain parts of it and it’s a lot to keep track of. I’m excited for July 1st but damn. 

also Again. No Nancy and Steve. Jonathan still exists, He and Nancy are still technically dating Like??? Just let them be a throuple or at least have Nancy and Jonathan break up before you push Nancy and Steve in my face. 

[soundtrack-scribe]

BUB

Summary: What’s better than your best girl and best mate getting along? Well, nothing really. If you knew the rumors were false, that is. 

A/N: You’ve heard of enemies to lovers. You’ve heard of fake-dating to real dating. Might I introduce a new trope called hostility turned platonic friendship turned stand-in boyfriend? Aka my brain child with @here-for-the-uproars​

Content: Swearing, general tom-foolery.

DISCLAIMER: NOT A poly!Cashton or poly!5sos fic!!!!

Need to catch up? Part 1 Part 2

And away, and away we go!

Part 3

“Oh, I’m never gonna be able to get up there,” Sam said, eyeing the bunk beds in the tour bus. She graduated with her doctorate and as a graduation present, her boss was letting her take the summer off to go on tour with Ashton. “You’re only young once, Sam,” the older lady said with a knowing wink. “Go enjoy yourself. Your job will still be here when you get back.”

“There’s a ladder right there, baby,” Ashton told her, pointing.

“I’m gonna bang my head so much…”

“Yeah you are,” Ashton winked, grabbing her ass.

“Fletch,” she laughed, turning in his arms to face him. “I’m serious. Can you switch with Cal?”

“If I do that, then I can’t do this,” he pouted, spinning her back around and lifting her into the bunk with fluid ease.

“Hey. Hey!” Sam squealed as she landed on the soft mattress pad. “Oh, this is cozier and bigger than I pictured,” she commented, laying down in the bunk.

Ashton giggled as he rested his arms against his bunk. “Yeah, we had to do some remodeling of sorts when Luke decided to become six and a half feet tall!” He said the last part a bit louder so Luke could hear.

“I’m 6’2” at best!” came the retort from the living room area of the bus.

Ashton and Sam laughed. “Anyway, now they’re long enough for GIRAFFES and wide enough for when the girls come along.”

“And still too tall for me,” Sam finished.

“Again, there’s a ladder right there.”

Sam wrinkled up her nose. “Nah, I like it better when you lift me.”

“Me too,” Ashton agreed with a flirty wink.

“You need to learn to keep your hands to yourself,” Sam giggled, playfully swatting at his hands.

“Can’t,” Ashton said simply. “One, I always gotta be doing something with my hands. Two, you’re way too hot, baby.”

“You’re right about the first part,” she agreed with another giggle. The drummer had the worst case of restless hands she’d ever encountered. A restlessness she was more than happy to take full advantage of. “As for the sec-”

“Also true,” he cut her off, leaning into the bunk to kiss her.

~~~

“Ugh, my head,” Sam whined, hands pressing to her temple. At two weeks of tour life, the loudness mixed with the bright lights were beginning to make her head spin. Even when it was dark, it wasn’t dark enough.

“You okay, baby?” Ashton asked, concern written across his face as he tugged her closer to him.

“Whoa, don’t do that,” she said, pushing at him, feeling the pain slosh around in her skull.

Ashton frowned. “Do you wanna go lie down in the bunk?”

“You won’t be mad?” Sam asked, her eyes squinting. Some Motrin and a quiet tour bus sounded like fuckin’ heaven. 

He shook his head. “No. If you don’t feel good, you don’t feel good.”

“I can lay down in here, Fletch,” Sam protested, feeling bad anyway. She had come to watch his shows, not get sidelined by a damn migraine.

“Nope, bus, c’mon,” he said standing up and gently tugging her to her feet.

“Okay, okay,” she laughed weakly. “But, I can go to the bus myself. You’ll be late if you walk with me.”

Ashton was about to protest, but he thought better of it. He knew hoisting her into his bunk would make it hard to focus and he definitely couldn’t cause his band to miss their cue because he got handsy with his girlfriend ten minutes before they were supposed to go on. “Alright then,” he said, kissing her forehead. Get some rest if you can. I’ll be there as soon as I get done and shower.”

She nodded her head barely. “Mmkay. Love you. Break a leg.”

“Love you too, baby,” he smiled, placing another kiss on her forehead.

“Oh, fuck this…” Sam muttered as she stared up at Ashton’s bunk on the bus. She reached on tiptoe to pull her blanket down, but no way in hell was she climbing up there with her head pounding like it was. She swallowed the Motrin with a swig of water and pushed back Calum’s curtain on the lower bunk before crawling inside and trying to get some sleep.

Ashton was the first one on the bus after practically sprinting backstage to change and shower, wanting to check on Sam, Calum on his heels. 

“Baby?” Ashton called out softly, drawing back his curtain. “What the fuck?” he muttered when he didn’t see her there. He could hear her snoring softly, but where the fuck was she? He frowned, crouching down to the bottom bunk and pulling back Calum’s curtain. He smiled when he saw her curled up and fast asleep. “Baby?” Ashton whispered, nudging her gently awake. “Baby, I’m here.”

“Shh, sleeping,” Sam mumbled at him, a hand swatting him away.

“Baby, you’re in Cal’s bunk. C’mon, gotta move ya up a floor.”

“No!” She rolled further into the bunk. “Too high. Couldn’t reach. Didn’t listen.” The broken sentences fell from her lips, a charming characteristic she only did when she was dead tired.

Ashton chuckled. “I’m sorry, baby. But I’m here now. C’mon, I’ll lift you in.”

“Too warm. Bed cold.”

“Hey, mate can you move? I’m exhausted,” Calum’s voice sounded.

“Trying Cal. Someone won’t move, though.”

Sam smiled at Calum’s voice. “Bub bed warm. Fletch bed cold. I stay. You shh,” she continued to speak in broken sleepy sentences.

Ashton and Calum shared a glance. Both men knew that moving a sleepy Sam meant death. The woman may sound cute when she was in a sleep state like this, but she was also mad as hell if you dared disturb her. Calum shoved passed Ashton and crawled into his bunk. “Night, mate,” Calum told Ashton, drawing the curtain closed. 

Ashton drew the curtain back open with a sharp pull. “So, I’m supposed to sleep by myself? In my cold bunk?”

Sam nodded, already curled up against Calum. “Should listen. Sam smart, ‘member? Sam doctor.”

Ashton rolled his eyes playfully. “I can’t believe I just got bubbed in my own relationship…”

“You Fletch. He bub. I’m baby princess,” Sam explained.

“Well, move over cuz Fletch is coming in,” Ashton said definitively, crawling in the bunk.

“What?! No!” Calum protested as Ashton’s body pressed into his. “It’s too small for three people!”

“Shut up and pass me my baby,” Ashton muttered, pulling Sam across Calum’s chest and onto his. “There, we’ll sleep side by side, and she can sleep right here on top of me.”

“If you start fucking, I’m shoving you both out,” Calum grumbled. “Now, close the damn curtain, and let me sleep.”

“Mmm, Fletch,” Sam mumbled happily, nuzzling her face into Ashton’s neck. “And bub,” she added, a hand patting Calum’s chest affectionately. “Love my boys.”

“And we love our girl,” Ashton murmured into her hair. “Go back to sleep, baby. We gotcha.”

In the morning, Calum was curled up in Sam’s blanket, his own blanket still trapped underneath him and Ashton. “Hey!” Sam said, snatching back her blanket. “Blanket thief.”

“Bed thief,” Calum retorted, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I was cold.”

“So was I!”

“Bullshit, you slept on a heater!” Calum told her, pushing Ashton’s shoulder. 

“He was right next to you all night! How were you cold?”

“How were you cold?!”

“I wasn’t. I just want my blanket.”

“Shut up!” Mike grumbled from further down the row of bunks. 

“Sorry, Mikey. Want me to make pancakes?” Sam called out.

“Yes, please.”

~~~

“Yeah, um how much fabric do you think it would take to make a blanket for two people in love and one blanket thief?” Ashton asked the lady at the counter. “Say they’re all about this big?” he added, gesturing at himself, Calum, and Sam.

“He’s joking,” Sam put in quickly as the lady gave them all a weird look. “Can you point us in the direction of your king sized blankets?”

“Aisle 4,” the lady said, pointing. 

“Thank you,” Sam smiled brightly, skipping off in the direction of the pointed finger. 

~~~

“Okay,” Mike said, his green eyes worried as he eyed Sam sandwiched between Ashton and Calum on the couch. “Real talk. Are you a throuple?”

“We’re not judging,” Luke added. “We just… the nightly cuddling… we’re your friends. You can tell us.”

Ever since her migraine two weeks ago, all three of them had been sleeping in Calum’s bunk. Sam on the premise that it was easier to get into, despite Ashton buying her a collapsible stool; Calum on the premise that it was his bunk and he wasn’t switching; and Ashton on the premise that he slept where Sam slept. And with the king sized blanket solving the blanket thief problem, all three had come to enjoy the new sleeping arrangement more than they cared to ever admit out loud.

The not-a-throuple laughed at the blondes before Sam answered, “It’s just nice to be held. I mean, I’ve personally never slept better. It’s fun too. Like a fort almost.”

“And there’s a strict no funny business in Fort Hood,” Calum interjected.

Sam rolled her eyes. “It’s Fort Rhythm, bub. Fort Hood is already taken.”

“I like cuddles and forts…” Luke pouted.

“Focus!” Mike told him. “So, not a throuple?” The attention was back on the three on the couch.

Three head shakes with a uniform, “Nope.”

“So, can we build a fort?” Luke asked.

~~~

“Who needs mattress pads when I can do THIS!” Sam laughed, sprawling across all four men after Fort Luke Sucks Balls was manifested in the living room area of the tour bus. “Oh, damn partner… I knew you were broad shouldered, but damn, you are an actual giant.”

“Watch that mouth of yours,” Ashton growled playfully, grabbing at her chin as her head moved to lay on his chest.

“You know what?” she asked, readjusting herself across her human pillows. “Just for that, you get stuck with my feet,” she giggled, wiggling her toes in his face.

“Bad idea, baby,” Ashton said, gripping her ankles in one hand and tickling her with the other.

“No! Stop!” she squealed, her weight constantly shifting on the other men-earning protested groans- as she lunged forward to try and pry Ashton’s hand off her feet. “Stop! Please!” She continued to fight between laughs, tears falling down her cheeks as she fought for breath. “Fletcher!”

At the full middle name usage he stopped immediately. “I told you it was a bad idea.”

“Tickle me again and you’re out of Fort Rhythm.”

“You can’t kick me out of the fort that you half named after me!”

“Hey, bub, wanna teach me how to play drums so we can kick Fletch out of Fort Rhythm?”

“Can you replace him in the band, too?” Calum smirked.

“Alright, I won’t tickle you,” Ashton relented. Then, with a dangerous smirk, “Fellas?”

Three pairs of hands started ticking Sam’s feet and ribs while she screamed and squirmed. “No! Stop it! Someone’s gonna get hurt!” Sam’s voice echoed around the bus and almost like her words willed it to be true, she smacked Ashton straight in the face. 

“Motherfucker!” Ashton winced in pain, a hand cradling his cheek. “Alright stop!”

The tickling ceased and Sam scrambled to Ashton. “Shit, Fletch, are you okay?!”

“Fuck, I’m glad that wasn’t a fist,” Ashton grumbled, removing his hand from his bright red cheek. 

Sam’s blue eyes went wide before her lips were on his cheek, feeling the heat from her unintentional slap. “Fuck, Fletch, I’m so sorry!”

“Duly noted. No tickling in Fort Luke Sucks Balls,” Ashton continued to grumble. 

“Or sex,” Calum added. 

“Anything else?” Mike asked, getting up and moving to the kitchen area, rummaging around. 

“Name change!” Luke shouted. 

“Admit you’re 6’4”!” was the unison retort before Sam went back to apologizing profusely to Ashton. 

“Baby, I’m fine,” Ashton assured her.

“I’m so sorry!”

“It was my fault.”

“You’re right, but I’m still sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I’d hate to have you hit for me real. Damn, woman,” he said with a proud small smile. His girlfriend kicked ass.

“Alright, here,” Mike declared, waving everyone over to him. “Sign,” he instructed, handing Luke the bottle of mustard. 

“What the fuck?” they all laughed, looking at the tortilla that had the following written in ketchup:

Fort Luke Sucks Balls Rules

No sex of any kind

No tickling 

The makeshift contract already bore Mike’s initials in mustard. The bottle of mustard got passed around as they all added their initials to it.

“Can we all watch a movie now or something?” Sam asked once the aptly named Tortilla Treaty was signed. 

“Mean Girls?” Luke suggested. 

With the fort named at his expense, they all agreed that watching the movie of his choice was more than a fair arrangement.

“You know there’s plenty of space in here, Fletch,” Sam whispered once they all got comfortable in the fort. “You don’t have to be shoulder to shoulder with bub.”

“I know. Just gotten used to it I guess.”

Sam moved so she was lying on top of Ashton. “Me too,” she agreed, her face nuzzling into Ashton’s neck, a hand resting affectionately on Calum’s chest. 

“Hey, no sex,” Mike’s voice piped up before a piece of popcorn flew in their direction. “And not a throuple my ass.”

“Look, if you want Sam cuddles, just ask. You don’t gotta be rude about it,” Sam joked, tossing the piece of popcorn back at Mike who caught it in his mouth.

“Okay, I want Sam cuddles,” Mike relented, holding open his arms. “Get over here, queen.”

“What about me? I want Sam cuddles,” Luke put in, crossing his arms across his chest in a mock-pout.

“And none for Luke Hemmings!” Sam laughed at him, before sandwiching herself between both blondes.

The bunks weren’t slept in for the rest of the tour and monthly fort cuddles were added to the BUB Accords when they all got home.

_____

Tag List (Wanna join? Just ask)

@goeatsomelife​ @flameraine​ @cashtonasff5sos​ @here-for-the-uproars​ @cxddlyash​ @1-irwin-94​ @baldcalum​ @sparkling-chaos​

[jmsa1287]

Netflix's 'What/If' is a Bizarre Soap that Kicks Off the Renéeaissance

This...is a strange one...

A-list movie talent appearing on the small screen is now commonplace in this era of TV. From Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman in "Big Little Lies" (not to mention Meryl Streep on the upcoming second season) to Naomi Watts in the short-lived Netflix mystery "Gypsy" and Julia Roberts in Amazon's conspiracy thriller "Homecoming," stars who perhaps would once turn down television projects not that long ago are now signing up to appear in some of the buzziest series today.

Enter Renée Zellweger, who is at the center of Netflix's very strange new anthology neo-noir "What/If," which debuts on the streaming service Friday. In 2019, no one bats an eye when it's announced that the Oscar winner is starring in a Netflix show. Created by Mike Kelley (perhaps best known for ABC's "Revenge") "What/If" feels like something of a throwback network mystery albeit with swearing and nudity (there are a lot of butts here). It's a broad, overwritten thriller that one would expect to thrive for 15 seasons on Fox. But there's something charming with "What/If" or, if not charming, definitely addicting. The show knows what it is, reveling in its over-the-top OMG moments and general camp, but sometimes all that wink-wink-nudge-nudge knowing is a bit much even for the most enthusiastic of viewers. What really sells the show is Zellweger's intense presence and her beguiling performance.

In "What/If," Zellweger plays Anne Montgomery, a venture capitalist and investor of sorts who is world-famous for supporting women in business. Even so, she's more notorious for being a cutthroat businesswoman; cunning and ruthless. Through fate, luck or a something more sinister, she connects with Lisa (Jane Levy), a young and earnest woman passionate about her upstart Emigen, a health company that does something that will revolutionize the healthcare industry and pharmaceuticals (the show does a terrible job at explaining what Emigen actually does). But, as Anne says early on in "What/If," everything comes with a cost: Anne will fund Lisa's startup, handing over $80 million, if she allows her hunky husband Sean (Blake Jenner) to spend one night with Anne.

Of course, this setup is a nod to the 1993 drama "Indecent Proposal." In the promo ads for "What/If," Zellweger is seen wearing a sexy white dress, crossing her legs, recalling the iconic Sharon Stone scene from the classic 1992 erotic thriller "Basic Instinct." During a negotiation scene between Anne, Lisa and Sean, things get meta.

"This whole idea was ripped right out of a bad '90s movie," Lisa says.

"I thought that film was quite decent," Anne quickly fires back.

Kelley knows what kind of show he's making and the cast is in on it but most importantly Zellweger is eating up every moment she's on screen. Part of the fun of "What/If" is watching Zellweger in a role unlike she's done before; completely vile and self-interested. Through the five episodes Netflix provided of the 10-episode season, it is unclear what Anne's motives actually are when she slowly and methodically tortures and toys with Lisa and Sean. But Zellweger enjoys every moment she's on screen, making the best of her cliched and over-written dialogue while giving the dirtiest of looks.

Her role in "What/If" is the kick off to Zellweger's big 2019 — later this year, she'll star as Hollywood icon Judy Garland in a biopic set during the last year of her life. Of course, that'll be a completely different from the twisted Anne Montgomery but her part in "What/If" is a good reminder to audiences — who haven't seen much of Zellweger over the last few years — that she's an actor with a lot of range. "What/If" doesn't always work — in fact it rarely works — but Zellweger carries the show on her shoulders, keeping you invested and hypnotizes you into clicking "Watch Next Episode" when the Netflix prompt appears.

Zellweger is such a shining star that it makes the rest of the characters who populate "What/If" seem a lot less interesting. Outside of Lisa and Sean, there are their friends, high school sweethearts Todd (Keith Powers) and Angela (Samantha Ware). Todd and Sean are work together as EMTs and later go into a firefighting program where it's slowly revealed that Sean was a former MLB pitcher but his career was halted due to a violent incident. Meanwhile, Angela, a nurse, is having an affair with her boss, Dr. Ian Harris (Dave Annable) but the drama here feels like it belongs to a different soap. There's also Lisa's brother Marcos (Juan Castano), a human rights lawyer, and his partner Lionel (John Clarence Stewart), a real estate agent, who spice up their relationship by getting involved with a go-go dancer who works at a local gay club. Over the first few episodes, it's not really clear how the situation will play out (will they become a thriving throuple or will adding a third to a steady and healthy relationship sabotage things?) But, like Angela and Todd's issues, Marcos and Lionel's story feels tacked on and inconsequential to the mysterious plans Anne has for Lisa and Sean.

"What/If" may figure itself out in the back half of its first season but at its best, it's escapist easy-to-watch TV. If you have 45 minutes to kill, there are worse things to do than watch Zellweger chew up some scenery. At its best, the show is a captivating soap opera that can quickly sour but its center star keeps the show from becoming a train wreck. At its, worst "What/If" will snap you out of the moment with a terrible line read and you'll question what the hell you're watching.

[colorado-springs]

5x19: A House Divided, part 2 -

Being in debt to Daniel is better than Preston.  Is Daniel going to charge you interest?  Nope.  Is Daniel going to take your house from you if you don't pay?  Nope.  The male ego is exhausting.

Why can't Sully just be grateful that his best friend was there to help him out in a time of need?  And he's going to pay him back so it's really not that big of a deal... except his pride as a man is bruised.  Waah waah.  Poor baby.

I love Cloud Dancing's coat, by the way.  We used to have a blanket like that.

Love CD encouraging the Rev to go out for a walk by himself.  "Your mind will see what your eyes will not."

Ugh.  The angst with Dorothy and Cloud Dancing.  It's totally understandable that Dorothy is pulling away now because of how the town is responding but it sucks.

Now Daniel is packing up.  What a mess.  "Do it for me."  Oh boy.  What man can resist that???  

Ha!  I love Preston telling it like it is.  It's absolutely about wounded pride.  How nice of Preston to give him a job offer. Oh great.  Daniel is staying to help Sully.  "What kind of people are you?"  "Friends."  So cheesy.  

Dr. Mike is billing patients now!  Good for her.  And she can't wait to tell Daniel all about it.  Preston is really twisting that knife over it too... haha.  Sully looks super pleased.

I love the Rev's new outlook on life and Dorothy really needed to hear what he had to say.

Sully, Dr. Mike, and Daniel should just be a throuple.

"You can stay here as long as you like."  Don't lie, Sully.  Everyone knows you don't want him there.

Dorothy sees it!  Daniel is falling in love with Dr. Mike and Sully is JEALOUS.  Dr. Mike doesn't want to believe it.  I love that this convo is also about Dorothy and Cloud Dancing.

Awww!!!  Dorothy and Cloud Dancing are both dealing with the same thing.  They're like the Romeo and Juliet of Colorado Springs.  Yeah, they're "friends."

Daniel is leaving for good.  In the middle of the night.  OMG.  The drama.  I'm honestly surprised Sully didn't try to fight him.  He loves a good brawl.

I love the Rev smiling as Dorothy stands up for herself and defends her friendship with Cloud Dancing.

Well, the men made up.  How awkward though to know that his best friend wants his wife.  Yikes.

And Dr. Mike and Sully made up too.  All is well, I guess.  They really need to work on their communication and they wouldn't have these kinds of problems.  If Sully wouldn't have been so prideful they probably could have worked out an agreement without Dr. Mike having to go behind his back (which she was forced to do) and making him mad.  He shouldn't have been mad anyway. Was she supposed to let Preston take the house????  If that happened, it would have cost them a hell of a lot more to get it back.  Moral of the story: Sully is dumb.

[e-e-marie]

Things I Need in Insatiable Season 2

Patty competes in Regionals with spatters of Christian’s blood in her hair. A Pageant girl remarks on how her new highlights really pop onstage.

Patty and Bob go back to hide Stella Rose’s body, only to find she’s not where Patty left her! Did someone else find her first, or did that hell-bitch rise from the dead to unleash untold devastation on Patty and Bob’s lives? (Hint: it’s the latter.)

Bob throws himself into the Regionals Pageant while Coralee and Hot Bob await his decision between them. He realizes he will have to tell whoever he picks that he helped Patty get rid of Christian’s body. Neither of them will understand.

Bob spends increasingly more time with Patty, avoiding his lovers. Only Patty understands what it is to hate yourself so deeply that you sabotage everything good in your life because you know, deep down, you don’t deserve it.

Coralee grudgingly teams up with Regina to solicit funding for Tampazzle. They are a huge success and soon invited to participate as a centerpiece of the Georgia Women’s Chamber of Women-Centric Businesses Symposium. Coralee schemes to remove Regina as her business partner. Regina, outraged, starts her own tampon-hanger company, String Bling.

Bob Barnard, hurt by Bob’s continued avoidance of him, falls back into old behaviors. He returns to his position as the DA and announces his candidacy for Mayor. Robert Armstrong backs his campaign. Barnard shows up at every Pageant event, both to chum it up with voters and to torment his former lover into falling in love with him again (it makes sense in his head). Cue endless variations of Hot Bob beating Other Bob at everything but still never getting the satisfaction of a real win.

BARNSTRONG HIGHSCHOOL FLASHBACK

I want to see the Everybody-is-in-love-with-Bob-A. storyline stretched to maximum ludicrousness. Town is buzzing with the news that Bob Armstrong is a newly single bisexual. He attracts looks and whispers wherever he goes. At first he thinks he is being laughed at as a love-sick fool until a good-looking middle-aged couple approach him at his law firm under the guise of needing a lawyer. They nervously confess that they held up the Weiner Taco so they would have an excuse to speak to him. Bob is weirded out and turns them down. He is propositioned four more times before lunch.

Pastor Mike and his wife launch a campaign to find Christian. They ask Patty to be spokesperson of the campaign as Miss Magic Jesus.

Christian comes back as a ghost to haunt Patty with reminders of what she did to him and endless replays of Black Sabbath’s Iron Man.

Patty and Brick finally have sex. Brick rents a hotel room so there’s no chance of his dad walking in on them. They drink champagne and soak in a heart-shaped Jacuzzi. Toto’s Africa plays in the background. Brick asks if Patty will be his girlfriend. Patty tearfully says yes. Less than twenty-four hours later, she makes out with a guy who says her shirt makes her look fat. She does this for… revenge?

About halfway through the season, Bob A. has another ‘If demons are real, maybe bisexuals are too”-type realization. What happened with Bob B. and Coralee sucked, but it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t choose between them. Of course, it wouldn’t have been fair to force them into a throuple if they didn’t want to be, but neither was it fair for them to ask him to turn his back on part of himself. He leans into his bisexuality and begins experimenting with multiple couples in town looking to spice up their love lives. And I mean, a LOT of couples. He has more threesomes than Hugh Hefner’s retirement party. And, I realize this will probably be a hard sell, Netflix, but if you could manage to squeeze in Pastor Mike and his wife as one of Bob’s couple-lovers, that would just be the tops.

Coralee and Bob Barnard hear about Bob’s sexual exploits and, jealous, turn to each other for company. Barnard is surprised to discover how comfortable he feels around her. He asks if she is interested in a ‘friends-with-benefits’ type situation. Coralee, attracted as always to Barnard and mentally focused on Tampazzle, agrees.

Bob A. catches wind of Coralee and Bob B.’s arrangement and spirals into despair. Patty talks him out of his depression and convinces him he owes it to himself to do the one thing he’s always wanted but never dreamed would be possible: compete in a Pageant.

Look, Netflix, I don’t really care how it happens, but I need to see Bob A. in full drag with his six-inch size-14 stiletto heels compete in a Pageant. For the evening gown, I’m thinking something full-length and wispy, sea-foam green with a beaded waist. I would prefer if he could make it through a few questions in the interview round before he is discovered. And, of course, Bob. B. and Coralee need to be in the audience.

The season ends with another threesome, this time with Bob A. as the hesitant party, and Bob B. and Coralee the instigators. They track him down after he is outed and humiliated for being a middle-aged man playing dress-up in a ladies’ beauty Pageant. They find him back at the office, half-drunk and teetering on suicidal again. He is still in full drag at this point. They are overwhelmed by his beauty, and slowly convince him to Oh Fuck, I Think I Have to Write this Fanfic Now.

Patty makes it to Miss American Lady and quickly become an enemy of the Pageant Director, a coke-fueled, vengeance-seeking former Miss American Lady played by Drew Barrymore.

Patty ends the season by murdering two Miss American Lady finalists. In her defense, they were trying to murder her first.

Okay, on second thought, I’ll allow the slightest bit of character development. Patty, given the option, chooses instead NOT to murder the Pageant girls. Wow, growth! Of course, they still end up dead but in a way that is only marginally Patty’s fault.

Every critic who wrote a negative review of Insatiable’s first season is forced to watch the threesome scene on repeat until they admit that the show is a fun, campy, bat-shit crazy romp with more diverse depictions of sexuality than anything that is currently on TV.

Thank you for listening to my demands, Netflix. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

PS Somebody talk to me about Insatiable I’m losing my marbles!!!

[glenngaylord]

KOREAN BBQ - My Review of BURNING (4 Stars)

It may sound corny as hell to call South Korean filmmaker Chang-dong Lee’s BURNING a slow burn, but there’s no escaping the truth.  To also call it a worth-the-wait psychological thriller about obsession in the vein of VERTIGO, THE CONVERSATION, DON’T LOOK NOW and, improbably, MIKE’S MURDER, also fits the bill.  Be forewarned, however, that at 148 minutes, it’s  l-o-o-o-o-o-n-g but also exceptionally rewarding.  

Depending on how you look at it, it’s either the story of a young woman who asks an old friend to take care of her cat while she’s away, or it’s about said old friend’s obsession with a woman he barely knows and the potentially dangerous new boyfriend she meets while away.  Either way, there’s that damned cat and pay attention to it, as it’s a very important piece of the puzzle.  Ah-in Yoo plays Lee Jong-su, the young man, who when we first meet him is making a delivery to an electronics store where his old acquaintance Shin Hae-mi (Jong-seo Jun) dances out front to lure customers inside.  Although he called her ugly when they were young, she’s drawn to this quiet, vulnerable man and aggressively hits on him and eventually gets him to agree to watch her cat in her tiny apartment while she jets off to Africa for a vacation.  Hae-mi isn’t your classic noir femme fatale like Kathleen Turner in BODY HEAT.  She’s a lot more idiosyncratic and rough around the edges, but her somewhat goofy, oddball character stands out and it seems clear that no good will come from this dalliance.  Sure enough, they have sex and he sets about taking care of a cat he (and we) have yet to see.  It’s the first of many instances where we as viewers begin to question what’s real and what’s not.  Hae-mi has a wonderful and revealing moment in which she shows off her miming skills. It feels off-the-cuff, but what she has to say about perception is a key to viewing this film.  

Hae-mi returns from her trip with a new boyfriend of sorts, Ben (played by Steven Yeun of THE WALKING DEAD fame).  Unlike Jong-su, Ben has money, a fancy car, a to-die-for apartment, and the kind of swagger we all wish we had but are too afraid to actually pull off.  Eventually they form a throuple of sorts, culminating in a strange evening in which Hae-mi strips down and dances in the sunset and where Ben confesses to Jon-su that he sometimes likes to burn down greenhouses and that one near Jong-su’s family home is his next target.  Huh?  What?  Did we just hear that correctly?  Who knows, but by this time, the film has slowly managed to seduce us with its low key, hangout charms.  

Of course, all is not what it seems, and when Hae-mi disappears, Jong-su can’t help himself but to obsessively search for her, with Ben’s behavior becoming increasingly more suspicious.  Although the aforementioned films resonate here, MIKE’S MURDER, the 1984 Debra Winger starrer from James Bridges, feels like a kissing cousin to BURNING more than the others.  Both feature a troubled protagonist who oh-so-slowly obsess over and search for someone they barely knew and both manage to explain everything while still retaining their ambiguity.  

BURNING excels as an of-the-moment dissection of millennial impotence and a yearning desire to connect while possessing none of the tools for how to accomplish such a thing.  All three of its leads give wonderful performances with Yeun putting a fresh spin on his Talented Mr. Ripley-esque character.  Is he a sociopath or just your garden variety narcissist?  The film forces you to read into his every yawn and blank but seductive charms.  Meanwhile, Ah-in Yoo performs the hell out of his naive street kid who has his own hidden demons and unexpected sexual desires.  Jong-seo creates such a specific character that even when she’s not onscreen, you feel her pull.  

Chang-dong Lee gets incredible help from his talented cinematographer, Kyung-pyo Hong, who creates one dreamy image after another, especially that astounding final shot. That this film slyly goes from a quirky drama to a full-blown thriller without any odd tonal shifts speaks to the talents of all involved.  It feels like a muffled scream at disaffected youth and how their obsessions lead them to poorly solving their problems.  Don’t read too much into this.  It’s also just a creepy, sad, weird, dreamy experience.