#mom always says that when im mad or whatever that its 'not fair to her' weLL FUCKING? WHENS THE LAST TIME IVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE MAD

[girl-bateman]

when I think about it I've always been "a little off". like.. as a kid i was super obsessed (!!!!!) with tuberculosis and thought it was the most beautiful and tragic way to die (?). Pair that with my frequent hobby of drawing weirdly elaborate gore, something was definitely wrong with me from the start </3

[soobibabe]

tubatu world domination

6 members - 6 active

soobin: do you guys ever think about beomgyu: no

soobin: damn can i FINISH my STATEMENT

you: to be fair you were typing like a snail i saw it with my own eyes

kai: i think what you were thinking soobin

soobin: thanks kai

yeonjun: wym 'saw it with my own eyes' ??? YOURE WITH HIM@:@::#*# PKSIMABOUT TOTHROW UP

you: i told you guys i was gonna go to the mall today ?

beomgyu: guys man or bear hehehhhhehehhhheeh>.<<<<<

taehyun: y/n reply to my dm pls.

yeonjun: WHENE DID YIU TELL US YOU WERE GOING TO THE MALLLLWHY DOES SOOBIN GET TO GO EITH YOU

soobin: because im just cunty like that. lolz

you: @gyu ummm probably bear

beomgyu: HEHHEEHHEH you want me so bad

kai: what kind of bear

taehyun: y/n?

you: guys isnt that so weird!!! a blank chat keeps popping up!!!???

soobin: your phones probably broken

brokxn like me... 🥀

yeonjun: i could take a bear

beomgyu: no thx peace and love but FOK no

kai: why isnt anyone questioning this odd taehyun behavior

you: who behavior?? never heard of it sry

yeonjun: taehyun like taehyun your bandmate... early dementia signs i fear now ditch soobin lets go get you checked up ^.^ beomgyu: shes upset because tyun said he was too busy to go out with her today

soobin:

taehyun: i really was busy. pdnim called me in for a meeting about the next Academy Reincarnation season.

you: k

soobin: me personally if i got hit with a k by txts silliest member i would kms lowk

beomgyu: NAWWWW ME TOOO

yeonjun: i'd get hard idk

kai: can we put him on a speaking ban again

yeonjun: PLSEASEESESESE NOOOOOO I'KK STOP PLS LAST TIME WAS HORRRRIBLE

beomgyu: why hasnt soobin gotten one yet hes always talking anf talking anf talking and talking AND HES A NERD LIKE DAMN!!!!!!!!!! PICK A STUGGLE!!!!!!!!!!

soobin: yk youre so nice to me when were alone...

yeonjun: 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂

kai: 👀

taehyun: y/n reply to me me and i'll buy you whatever you want from prada

you: im their ambassador you twat

taehyun: right, yes sorry i forgot how about i bring you flowers and [your favourite food] to the dorm later?

you: deal

kai: HEY WTF ITS THST EASY? the last time you were mad at me you didnt talk to me for a whole SIX HOURS EVEN AFTER I APOLOGISED ON MY KNEES

beomgyu: guys if you weren't already an idol under bighit which bts member would you date

you: all 7

taehyun: jungkook

soobin: jin no wait hobi lowkey he's a cutie

beomgyu: you have to choose ONE y/n

yeonjun: jimin or tae kook is cool but i probably wouldn't be able to handle his fans

you: no ur so right actually i could not handle dating another idol LMFAOO

soobin: ???? wdym i spoke with ur mum already she gave me her blessings we can date :3 even as idols heheheheh you: she did not

soobin: did tooooooo

you: nuh uh when did you even meet her

taehyun: he's lying i was there

yeonjun: hahaha liar liar pants on fire

you: when the hell did you guys meet my mom

kai: well SOMEONE left us on a cliffhanger last week and didn't tell us who she was dating so we did the next best thing...

you: SAYYYT YOURE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW OMG IS THAT WHY MY MOTHER HAS BEEN SPAMMING MY PHONE ABOUT "COMING HOME FOR KIMCHI" ? CAUSE SHE KNOWS I DONT EVEN FW KIMCHI LIKE THAT

yeonjun:yea!!!!!!! tell them queen!!!!!!! why did you guys not invite me. fake fucks.

you: WHAT DID SHE EVEN SAY

soobin: something about how she thought you were a lesbian so she doesn't even know what we're talking about

you: well shes not half wrong

taehyun: anywho she did NOT give ANY blessings to anyone however she did say that you were getting older and needed to get more serious about future planning cause all you put your effort into is work

soobin: that was basically her speaking in maternal code for "hey you can marry my daughter once contracts are terminated" trust me id know

kai: maternal code?

soobin: yep im an expert

beomgyu: what the fuck does that even mean

soobin:

taehyun: sometimes i wonder about the state of your mental wellbeing soobin: you just need to match my 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 you wouldn't get it. yeonjun: taehyun gets our freak soobin 💯 he's the one who suggested recording the killa with our shirts off.. fucking freak

you: i suggested that actually :3 but tyun suggested the lights off for tinnitus

yeonjun: Y/N MY PRETTY PRINCESS QUEEN DARLING DEAR I DIDNT MEAN IT I SWEAR THAT WAS THE BESSSSSST SUGGESTION EVER THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT IM SORRY

beomgyu: you make me sick beomgyu left tubatu world domination kai: never a moment of peace in this household…

A/N: this has been marinating in my drafts and i HATE it but i need to get rid of it 🤔🤔🙏🏼💯🔥 pls accept this scrap cause i may be a little burnt out 😭😭🤣🤣😜👊

[batemanofficial]

time for everybody's favorite semiannual tradition: Jaime Bitches and Dithers About His Mother

fair warning this is just my stream of consciousness so it may be nonsensical and meandering but you knew what you signed up for when you clicked the readmore tbh so proceed at your peril

so real jaimeheads know how my mother is, but for those who don't let's suffice it to say that she is what i might call a "hands off" parent. it was made very clear to me throughout my childhood that my mother did not like children - just, like, as a concept - and only had me because she felt like she had to and/or as an experiment in animal husbandry.

now you may be thinking: "jaime, that sounds really harsh! surely you know your mom loves you." and you're right. i'm sure she does, in her way. but she does not like me, and she does not care to shield me from that reality. i don't know if it's because of something i've done, the fact that the reality of raising me diverted from her expectations due to the extenuating medical circumstances that defined my childhood, or just the simple reality that i possess the requisite chutzpah to tell her to fuck off when necessary, or some combination thereof, but the fact remains: she doesn't like me. simple as.

when i was a kid she always made it clear that i was not to grow up to be "weak" or the place any emphasis on my emotional wellbeing over my ability to reason independently, which has had the deleterious effect on my mental health that you might imagine, so im not going to dredge all that up just for the sake of airing my dirty laundry. but i will say that as a result of being raised with these imperatives, its still very difficult for me to articulate my emotions beyond "i feel bad about xyz" because i always equated "feeling bad" with being overwrought and weak and diverting my energy away from the things that needed to be done in order to allow myself to wallow.

all of the above considered, as ive been living with my parents again after college, it's all been grating on me in a way that i don't feel is sustainable anymore. i don't know if it's the fact that im medicated and can see things a little more clearly, or if living on my own for so long has given me a little more of an objective lens on this sort of thing, but ive noticed that every time i talk to my mom about something that's important to me (and im using the term "important" kind of loosely here, just insofar as whatever im talking to her about has some kind of bearing on my day to day) she either doesn't react at all or reacts with an affect that i can only describe as a combination of mild disgust and confusion. either way, she'll forget what ive said entirely by the end of the conversation. my mother is, without hyperbole, the single most self-absorbed person i've ever met.

i think people are fundamentally selfish at the end of the day, for good or for bad, but my mom just won't engage with anything that doesn't serve her. at this point, i don't feel like i can reach her on any level anymore, which is really what's bothering me. like i used to be able to at least make her mad, if nothing else, but now i just feel like an even bigger inconvenience to her than ive ever been. it's one thing to say i don't care what she thinks of me, and on a purely philosophical level i don't, but like on a purely gut-feeling level it does still hurt my feelings! but i don't feel like i can say that to her in any constructive way because she just doesn't accept that as a valid concern.

anyway. i hate that i can't achieve even a baseline level of emotional intelligence while in proximity to my mom. i just want my mom to be my mom, but the closest she can get is pretending to care and that sucks!!!! it coheres. it fucking coheres doesn't it. UGH

[moonlitarmor]

Good things that happened to me today

- Have a script planned out with guide, conversational sceipts to end phone calls, yay!

- started watching a new anime! Its really funny, my friend recommended it to me!

- sent out a letter that had really been stressing me out

- figured out i dont need to mean apologies to say them, it makes things easier with family. I made them mad somehow? My mom, i wanted to have her ft me while i threw out the trash and not talk bc everyone listens in the hallway bur she got really upset. There was a guy drinking and burping there. It was okay but whatever i guess. I ahouldnt have asked her. I said sorry and she forgave me. She didnt have to keep talking to me. My sibling was upset bc my voice was not grateful enough. So i put on a happy voice, and acted all excited. I have to be happy and performing and they get to ask me all those questions and are so rude but i have to perform and be perfect and happy!!!!! So fucking happy about wveryrhing!!!! Its not fucking fair!!!!!! Im not allowed to feel things and everyone can treat me how rhey want and o have to say sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its always me!!! They always act like i dont exist and im the problem she called me a problem. Okay whatever. Whatever. I already knew they did t like me or think of me as a person. Of course they dont. Ill just lie and put on a performance and not ask for them to be quiet with me when i walk by drunk men hanging in the hallway or express being upset ill be happy so happy im so grateful i hate them i hate them. Im not allowed to be a real person around them. Im a human being but with them im nothing. Rhis is a nothing example i sound insane but its everyday of being nothing nothing to them whatever. WhTever. It doesnt matter nothing mayters it does not matter. Ok. Anyway. I can just say sorry in a way that does not matter, i jate lying i hate being false but with them it does mot matter, it doesnt. Why? They say things that fo not mayter -- fucking bitch, sorry! -- when they apologize it means notjing. Thatd all i had to say. Theyre useless notjings. They hit me it means nothing they curse me it means nothing they apologizs it means nothing they tell me to kill myself they hate me mo one loves me no one likes me it means nothing. Nothing they say means anything. I should just always be performing in front of them. No point of pulling any of my true self out lol

- did some affirmations! Yay!

[dragpinkman]

opinion on blended movie . i have seen this movie way too many times against my will

because of this ask i started watching it for the first time so you're getting a fresh review 👍 im just going to add to this as i watch.

⚠️ LONG POST (sorry)

first 5 min its eh not too bad, honestly i watched one of the worst adam sandler movies ever last night so everything seems fine its like eating cheap canned soup after only eating rotten food for a day. i like drew barrymore generally so im some what optimistic for her character.

i spoke too soon, it is not improving. this plot is extremely predictable i can tell its enemies to lovers very fanfic troupe whatever everything doesn't have to be groundbreaking cinema but it feels lazy. it has quite a few good actors so thats a plus?

my least favorite bit so far is the 12 (?) year old boy with a crush on the babysitter. i know thats normal it happens but the whole way of addressing it is unfunny jerking off humor yk. also not a continuing thing but i thought the period jokes were strange bc they're just inaccurate, its strange to me that two actresses were backing up that tampon size correlates to pussy size and that when your older you stretch out, its literally that frank iero meme the what pussy size are you- i didnt know people actually believed that lol. also another thing thats very typical for these type of movies were the lesbian jokes about the main character and her friend, it felt like it was going on too long. the joke seems like a one off comment adams character would make not a 3 minute convo yk. i personally didnt find it offensive but it was just long and unfunny, to be fair last night i watched the most stereotype of a movie besides zohan so far.

ooo terry cruz hes in this one as well. i like him too so again i hope his character turns out ok. nothing really to say about them going to africa, very predictable and you immediately find out what happened no suspense. the boy jokes about his daughters are a bit strange, short hair on women is not uncommon in south africa? in 2015 which i assume is around when the movie takes place it wasnt a wild concept, a ton of south african women have short hair and every other hair length. i dont get it. anyways.

ok some american guy made the joke too. i think all these people are stupid, bella thorne just dresses casual and has short hair.

can you tell i forgot everyones names, this is not very memorable.

ew ew i hate the teen boy sorry. hes so eugh. putting on a fake accent and finding his mom hot, bro get help. atleast the people around him are calling him out on it but. 😐

NOOO THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE HER A "GIRL" MAKEOVER DAMN IT WHY. she likes it more thats fine but i hate when this always happens in movies I wish for once they'd do an opposite makeover where they go from feminine to masculine. she really just said "the boys at school think im a lesbian but not the hot kind". why does this movie have so many lesbian and "she looks like a man" jokes.

i cant believe im only halfway done. im really wondering the conflict of this movie, or does nothing happen?

her makeover is fine im glad she likes it but i still dont appreciate the casual clothes short hair slander smh. and why is adam sandlers character so mad like shes 15 bro let her figure herself out.

i feel like drew is doing a lot of motherly stuff and really getting close with the girls but adam did like one thing with one son so far.

the scenes with not a lot of talking and them just doing stuff isn't too bad, it kinda feels like a vacation ad ha.

ok hes doing a bit more now. the oldest boy is still so annoying sorry. its almost over right.

drew barrymore looks so pretty in that dress, and terry cruz has a nice singing voice. wow i think we aren't getting conflict. huh. where are they going to pull out an argument for this. wish i was stargazing rn.

ok i hit it i think, the conflict is just that he isn't ready to move past his dead wife? why cant they just wait. oh hi shaq.

ew wait no i hit the conflict, so her ex husband is insecure and lying. cool. sad adam leaving the house music. im cringing at her ex flirting with her blegh. can they just figure this out already he lied adam likes you get together the end.

slay adam and his kids showed up for the ball game. are they going to get past the misunderstanding yet. this part of the movie isn't too bad it could be the joy of only 7 minutes left.

why did the kids just call each others parents hot. ok.

yipee its the end thank you terry.

...

well its not the worst movie ive seen, but its not one i would rewatch either, it feels very early 2000s so im suprised it was made so recently. i would say overall its a 5/10 on the sandler scale, nowhere near as bad as zohan or ridiculous 6 but not as good as say bedtime story*.

*i wouldn't give that one a perfect rating or even an 8 but it falls on the better side of the scale rather than the negative

ok im done writing i wonder if this will be read to the end. hi if you are still reading 👋

[mapleshmaple]

it would be nice if i could get through An Shift without having to go through the five stages of grief for whatever reason

[aestheticsuwu]

🌁Escape from the city and follow the sun ☀️

( part 2 of Okinawa trip AU)

.......

She knew her Dad planned the vacation to give her a break but she knew deep down he just wanted a new scenery just for a little bit . When he offered she instantly accepted , maybe they would make some good memories for her to look back in the future .

She was excited to tell the rest of her friends about the trip , and she wasn't expecting Robby having an interest of Okinawa . Guessing her father and Robby had that connection of the Myagi Do History . It was cute how he was rambling telling her and Demetri fun facts .

And When Robby had stayed for dinner he wanted tell Sam more of what he had learned . She was more than happy when Dad had asked Robby if he wanted come .

..... .....

" Robby would you like to come with us ? "

He knew his mouth was hanging open , the question surprised him . He wanted to say yes but he also knew that the trip was only for Mr. LaRusso and Sam .

" That would be awesome but I don't want to intrude and Mr. LaRusso you planned it for you and Sam . "

" Well I want you to go with us and I know Sam wouldn't mind . Your part of the family Robby,  you know that . And Don't worry about Johnny,  I will talk to him . So what do you say ? "

His heart always felt warmed when Mr.Larusso would remind him , He was like another Dad . He knew there was times he had to catch himself to not call him Dad . It Didn't help now that Mr . LaRusso and his actual dad were dating . Looking at Sam smiling at him encouraging him to accept , he gives them both a smile .

" I would love to , Thank you . "

And if he hugged Mr.Larusso longer than he intended and thought he could live with two dads for all his life nobody needed to know .

...... ..... ...... ...... ..

They were all at the dojo taking a break from class . He was in the middle of Sam and Miguel while Demetri was sitting in front of him . All were talking about the lesson but they noticed Demetri wasn't talking . And they all knew he constantly talked . Robby noticed that hawk was with the other students , usually he was with Demetri .

Turning to look if Sam and Miguel noticed but guessing by looks that Sam was glaring at hawk and Miguel concerned look . He guessed he wasn't the only one .

" Demetri did you and Hawk fight ? "

He asked him , Sam and Miguel begin to questioned also .

" Did he hurt you !? "

" I don't think Hawk  would hurt Demetri , Sam."

" Wouldn't be the first time , Miguel ! "

" But Hawk changed and I know he wouldn't do it again . "

He interrupts them before anyone would notice their little argument .

" Guys , let Demetri tell us . Let's not jump into conclusions , I'm not big fan of Hawk but let's give him the benefit of the doubt . "

All three watched their friend to answer patiently . They sometimes forget that Demetri didn't react well to being rushed. They had to be patient with him .

" He didn't do anything , I just i-i-i.  I'm having problems at home but it's fine .

The three watch him stand up as his Dad calls them to fall in and break was over . And he knew he wasn't the only one of the three worried and by the looks of Hawk he was also worried.

...... ...... ..

Running up to catch Demetri she ask him if he can come over to her house to help her pack . Smiling as he agrees she discreetly turns around to give Miguel and Robby a thumbs up. Giggling went Demetri waves a goodbye , and Miguel and Robby try to act discreetly as if they unaware of Sam's idea 

.It was cute , she was glad that both Robby and Miguel got along now . Realising they have stuff in common decideding to have a truce , Now they were friends . Both were big softies , funny and loyal the plus side they were Hot .

The three agreed Sam would be the one to talk to Demetri . Knowing her and Demetri was more closer , He was the one who helped her deal with her panic attacks . She helped him with his feelings for a certain Mohawk boy , although she didn't understand why him . But she guessed know one would be good enough for her Demetri . She loved him like a brother.

Don't get her wrong she loved her little brother but her and  Demetri understood each other.  Thats why she had to get the bottom of the problem .

" Is it cold in Okinawa ? ,  just in case take a couple sweaters and coats . Better safe than sorry right . "

As Demetri pulled out her clothes , she decided  it was the right time to ask .

" Dem , you know you can tell me anything right , even if it's bad . Im ... We are worried about you and its not just today that we noticed . I just want you to know that i got your back "

" I know , I just ... I been having problems with my mother . She doesn't understand why I forgived Hawk , so I tried to not bring up anything around her . She's usually not around , so I invited Hawk over , we were playing video games and catching up . Guess who decided to show up at the moment Eli tries to kiss me "

Her heart broke watching her friend struggle , he paces around the room and she knows Demetri is trying not to break down . She goes up to him and hold his hand .

" It was so embarrising , she threw a fit saying I was ruining my life . kicked out Eli , wouldn't be surprised he didn't want talk to me again . Said pretty much I'm a disgrace to keep it short . I'm sorry  "

 

She hugs him as tight as she could , she got teary eyed hearing Demetri cry . She was so thankful for having her parents , it wasn't fair people had to go through .

" You don't have to be sorry ok , She's wrong she doesn't know you the way we do . You can stay with us today , and if hawk doesn't speak to you I know Robby and Miguel will knock some sense into him . "

Later that night her Dad tells her about including Demetri to the vacation . She tells him he's the best dad ever . She goes to bed listening to Demetri talk about Hawk message and the plans to the trip .

..... ...... ....

At first it was confusing and hard to adjust to her parents being divorce but once realise she realised they  were both  happier with other people . She came to terms with it , she got to talk to Miguel and Robby about their parent dating each other .

Miguel was glad her mom was happy with someone that knew how to cherish her the way she deserved . Robby wasn't mad or bothered that his dad and her dad were now dated . He just didn't like how he would constantly see his dad flirt with her dad .

When Johnny had accidently called his father Bambi in front of the class , he saw the way the blonde tried to get her father to forgive him all day  . She thought Mr . Lawrence wasn't bad after all.

Carmen and Johnny was a nice addition to the family , she gets to spend time more with Robby and Miguel .

...... .......

 

Miguel was excited to wake up as 4 : 00 in the morning and wait for sensei to pick him up . He never thought he would ever go to the trip with Mr. LaRusso . His mom was also going with them , the best part he was going with his friends too .

Saying Goodbye one last time to YaYa , he climbs inside the car saying hi to everyone . Falling asleep while sensei drives hoping they wouldn't crash .

" Were here , Everybody out ! Let's go ! . "

Walking up to the airport , as everyone follows their Sensei guiding them and telling them to keep an eye out for Mr LaRusso  . Turning to Hawk , he was surprised that his friend had managed to have energy to do his hair .

" This is going be fucking awesome dude , only sucks that we have to wake this early . "

" Yeah , we should thank Mr.LaRusso for inviting us and try not to start any fights with anyone meaning Sam or Robby . I know you dude . "

" Right , and I'm not the only that starts them , Who you crushing on now , pretty boy or the princess , or both "

Pushing hawk , as he says his comment with a smirk , He can't remember why he was friends with him now .

" Shut up , I don't know what your talking about . "

" Yeah and that why your blushing "

It only seemed right to flip him off and maybe push him to the floor if he didn't had found Mr. LaRusso and him mom .

" Sensei their over there , Oh My mom arrived to "  He told Sensei ,  pointing at the opposite direction , they all decided to  run towards them .

....... ....... .......

He think no one would ever get used to seeing both Senseis making out . They all showed their disagreement of the PDA even Amanda and Carmen were laughing for their childish behavior . Seeing as his dad signaling to the store the class showed their excitement as they cheered remembering Mr. LaRusso promise .

Robby didn't know what to decide on , the rest of the class had money their parents had given them . And he didn't want to ask Mr . LaRusso for money he had already bought him the ticket and clothes and not to include his suitcase .

" we can share something if you want , my Yaya gave  me extra money .  "

Turning to look at Miguel and Sam , He wanted to reject the idea but he guessed it wouldn't hurt .

" Hey pup get anything  LaRusso is paying , goes for you to Miguel . Keep an eye out on them little LaRusso . "

 

God his dad always had to embarrass him , he didn't mind him calling him that but in public was big No . And by the giggling of both Miguel and Sam they could tell he was blushing . He totally deserved some Oreos for this .

...... ..... ...

Everyone was vibrating with excitement as they got off the plane . Phone filled with selfies on the plane , Laughing along the random ideas to do in Okinawa . They couldn't wait for their adventure to start .

But then they lost Mr . LaRusso who was the only one that knew the place after they all got distracted because it seemed Hawks stupid products weren't here .

" Dude calm down , I think you could get some gel or whatever you use here too . "

" Miguel , I love you bro but right now I'm trying to find my shit . Hey ! What are you all laughing about  ! "

Once sensei had enough of the bickering , he told them to fall in line to find their missing Sensei  that was once spotted outside with two other people .

Waiting for a big cab for everyone to fit wasn't the best but as they were driven to their location . They were all memorized by the beauty , it seem like no picture can capture the beauty of it . Well not to Sensei apparently he rather look at the beauty of Mr . LaRusso.

He had to admit that was the best line he had heard from his Sensei .  He liked how everyone was smiling and Laughing . He also totally noticed the blush on Hawk and Demetri as they both were sitting to close . He was totally going to tease hawk as payback .

 

Sidenote : Part 2 of the Okinawa trip AU. Sam , Robby , and Miguel Pov . Sam and Demetri sibling dynamic . Next is binary boyfriends moodboard . Excuse for my shitty writhing

[tigris-types]

I hate my mom so much. She blames everything on myself and my dad. Whenever she asks us a question and we dont respond right away she starts complaining (loudly) that were either

A) not paying attention

B) like talking to a brick wall

C)getting answers is like pulling teeth

But then when we do answer she complains:

A) shes not getting a straight answer

B)we're not telling the truth/we're twisting the truth

C) were just saying what she wants to hear

D) she cant believe what were saying due to the above

And then when we finally get to the bottom of whatever discussion it is, she complains about how she has to go through all of this every single time and how its not fair and she's never wanted to be the "bad parent" but look at what we've turned her into.

And its like gee, I wonder why no one wants to talk to you. Is it

A) you dont give us time to respond before complaining

B) if we say something you dont like it's automatically lying

C)you go from talking to yelling real quick

D) any attempt at a discussion with a counterpoint/different pov is seen an an "attack" (which how????)

E)if we give too compliant of an answer we're not being honest

F)if the tone is too fake/happy/mad/frustrated/monotone/excited/loud/quiet/smart-alecy/sarcastic you start complaining

G) all of the above

And it always starts off so normal and of course I'm getting frustated at im being yelled at for no reason and through hard work ive gotten better at not yelling in response and apologizing for "escalating things".

But its just, like, every day is like today. She asks us if we want to go the flower fields for mothers day and I tell her we can go if shes wants, but its the last day the fields are open and most of the flowers will have already been harvested. If she wants to go there to look at dirt we can go, but dont get your hopes up. So then she asks my dad and me again later and we both have the same response of ,"its mothers day, we'll do what you want." But of course, that means were just "going with what shes saying and arent voicing our opinions of our own".

Which like what???? Im sorry I thought you didn't want an argument??? We're both trying to figure out what you want to do and apparwntly we're in the wrong????? Just how? Why? I try so hard to make her happy even when I am seething with rage underneath and she seems to make no effort to tone down the yelling.

I hate her so much and time and time again I am surprised i have turned out as well as i have. I am still very messed up, but I'm not as bad as her, so that counts as a win.

I'm so messed up because of this is who ive grown up with as a mother but of course she always put on a nice face when we have guests over so i dont think anyone ever belived me about her.

What also annoys me is my brother has always been the favorite and has been elevated to "guest status" when he visits. And since tomorrow is mothers day, guess who's visiting? Which means the whole house has to be clean, we have to have his favorite food and drink stocked (or something we know he'll like) and have everything ready. But like, he used to live here??? He knows how it is, he doesnt need to be treated like a guest, like hes better than all of us, and just, when he is, what does that make me?

Unloved and resentful thats for sure. I hate her so much

[almasidaliano]

Almasi for President

so in about 12 to 16 years, i am running for president. i do not believe the world will have ended then, though i do believe things will be different. hoping for better, not, not expecting worse. our system is broken. all of the systems are broken. the government is corrupt. the justice system is corrupt. those in charge are turning blind eyes, covering things up, and allowing the fall of our country. i will not be surprised if a civil war commences; although i'm also thinking they are going to really create and push for a purge. we are in real trouble then. that just goes back to what i said, are you standing for something or dying for nothing?

people were excited for biden to win. and i have to say, i was not one of them. biden seems like another puppet to me. obama was a puppet. he was his vp. crazy how biden is president and he has a black female vp now. that sounds like a win huh? wrong, she contributed to the failed prosecution of the officers who murdered Oscar Grant. that went over everyone's head during the election though. trump was just so bad had to get him out. biden is anti LGBTQ+. everyone wanted to put it on trump folks getting rowdy and such however, biden won and nothing changed.

trump's slogan was "make america great again." personally, i think he could have. trump's a businessman and to say the least, entertainment. they gave trump four years, why do you think they didn't renew his contract? because he was playing them. trump is a classist. he doesn't like poor people. personally, i think he just believes hardwork pays off, his did and so he just holds everyone to the standard he held himself. there are circumstances, however i think that's fair. he said all this racist shit everyone got mad. yet, he won by a landslide because the country said they would still rather this "bigoted, racist, sexist, classist asshole" than a woman. then the country complained the whole time. he exposed america and instead of society shining light and doing something they continued to do what we have been doing; pointing blame.

the system has failed us. the system failed us a long time ago. all trump did was present a call to action. the one thing i can give rednecks is they patriotic as fuck. they want the america they invision type shit. i feel like melanated people in general struggle with that because america never felt like home. america never wanted us here. but the fact of the matter is, this all we know. this is home now. there are 3 real options. 1. go back to where your bloodline stems. 2. sit and conform, hope they dont get you. 3. defend your rights, your home, and your people; come out on top or die trying. you have to pick something though. we have to do something because they those set to protect us are out to get us.

we do not have a democratic government not even a representative democracy like we once thought. sorry if you were today years old when you found out. we operate out of a republic; a constitutional federal republic. what's the difference? in a democracy, all that voting that we do, matters.  even if it was a representative democracy. we would have representatives to disclose our decisions. the electoral college makes final decisions on elections.

a constitutional federal republic means that the constitution which is the law of the land governs the land. if this is the law of the land, why do we have sub laws? the constitution needs to be amended. want to fix the race and inequality issues? let me tell you how, real easy fix. call a convention. take out any amendment that gives rights to people AND reword the beginning anyway folks see fit so that women and americans from all ethnic backgrounds get the same level of respect and rights. there will always be an unspoken division until things like that are rectified. before black people got rights we were not even counted as complete people, simply 3/5s of a person. life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. these are unalienable rights. my very existence guarantees me these rights.

the judicial system coupled with the criminal law system are hopeful, and still in need of reform. prisons are privately owned institutions, which are supposed to be forms of rehabilitation. instead, they are condemning people and treating them inhumanely; creating the same environment they were in on the outside, on in the inside conditioning them to be stuck in these ways as means of survival and then continue to place blame on them. officers need to take crimes more seriously. people are people, bias, prejudices, and profiling have no place in the workplace. officers are corrupt, arresting kids for selling, who just are trying to help their mother with the bills, then turning around and selling it back out on the streets. officers are wrongfully convictind and killing predominately (as far as the media is broadcasting) though not only melanated people. on top of that, they are walking free. lives are being lost and they arent even losing their jobs. tax dollars are going towards keeping them safe. however, if a civilian shoots a cop. up the river for them.

lawyers aren't fighting hard enough. especially defense attorneys. it is fairly simple to get a conviction with the right information, proving innocence is always a bit more complicated. the problem is that attorneys get too big eyed. they looking at how to get their clients off, accountability is another taboo in this society. there are a multitude of people who are innocent behind bars, as well as those who received heinous outrageous sentences. that is not right.

people factor more than necessary when trying to make a decision, yet they ignore the things that remind them a person is human. its this art contest over who can paint the best picture of the defendant. which story is easy for a jurors bias to sway? how people look matters. and it shouldn't. our government since the building of america, has created dividing markers.

just like with royal kingdoms, the wife couldn't have things of her own. her role was cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, and whatever else was asked of her. if there was a divorce, the woman got nothing. they had no rights. imagine being the first born as a female in a royal family and being told you can't have your kingdom, correction you can but you must marry to get it. then if you get married the new king running things not you. what is that? its called patriarchy. our government is run off a patriarchy as well.

so i never really believed there could be like a true separation of church and state because every law and decision made was based on people's morals and beliefs. there is supposed to be a separation of church and state yet, due to people's religious beliefs gay marriage had to get legalized, despite there being no law for heterosexual marriage. would that not make it illegal? since gay marriage had to be legalized though there was not a law for it either? then on top of that, how do you make it a law, and still for religious reasons, ministers and such can refuse? there are always stipulations and hinderances for the rights of those who are not white men.

ABORTION: i really do not know why we are still having this conversation. its literally conversations like this that have me looking at americans like--- seriously? once again there should be a separation of church and state. so religion cannot be a reason to outlaw it. how can you put out a law that dictates what someone can do with their body? all of life, i mean every part of life should be pro-choice. its just that simple. Pro-Choice. i am all for the right to decide for yourself. and men want to feel a way about women making that decision on their own. and while i do stand behind the fact that ultimately it is the womans decision, that does not mean she can't listen to an opinion. it is a part of the woman, literally grows inside of her an entire being. and fathers can just dip out and folks will just look at the mom and suddenly she should just become super woman. the pressure that comes with having a child is enough on its own. like thats a being that is dependent on you. some people are honest with themselves and know they arent ready or dont want it. all they need is support. the mental toll life takes on us is huge as well. still people do not consider that at all.

there is no point of incarcerating people, if they have still lost a chance at a decent life once they get out. jail is for rehabilitation. they go, do their time and then they are supposed to be allowed to try again. our government knows nothing of redemption, that's why all the top leaders go through so much to hide their dirt. they crucify civilians trying to make themselves seem superior, really they are just like you and i. almasi for president. im going to save the world.

-Almasi

[detectivejigsawpines]

Abyss-finale (Raise a glass to freedom)

...I have never been drunk in my life. Because I don't drink. Therefore my knowledge of how to be drunk is very limited, and mostly based on the idea that it's similar to being very, very sleep-deprived (which I have been on probably far more occasions than is healthy for me). My suspicion is that if I did drink, I would be either a very giggly drunk, or a very angry drunk.

Reading the chapter to the end will clarify why this is valid.

“You what?!”

Shermie and Ford both stared at Stan, aghast, as he continued to scramble eggs after telling them how he’d essentially bought himself from their father.

Stan grinned.  “You shoulda seen the look on his face-it was even better than the time when we went to that restaurant with the triple-decker steak.”

Shermie snorted, hard.  “Oh wow...I always knew you were crazy, Stanley, but this-this exceeded even my expectations.”

He did a little theatrical bow, twirling the spatula between his fingers.  “That’s what I do best.”

When their mother came down, however, some of his ebullience-a lot of it, in fact-dissipated at the look on her face.

Ford’s stomach twisted in a hard knot, because even he could see that level of heartbreak.

Stan winced, and turned off the burner.  “...Hey, Mom.”

Mom looked up at him sadly for a moment, before at last whispering, “This isn’t gonna be fixed, is it?”

Stan let out a sigh that was equal parts sad and frustrated as he set down the spatula he’d been using.  “Whaddya want me ta do? Beg and plead for him ta say I’m part of the family again? It wouldn’t work, Mom, and even if it would…”

Even when he had still been mad at his brother, Ford knew he wouldn’t have wanted him to sacrifice his dignity to that extent.  He wanted it even less now, when he understood better what had happened and wasn’t a stupid hormonal teenager.

Mom was trying hard not to cry now.  “Stanley…”

“Am I gonna lose you too if I can’t make things up with him?” Stan suddenly asked.

It snapped Mom out of her despondency somewhat: her eyes widened, and then she jabbed a finger into her son’s chest.

“Stanley Pines!  What kinda mother ya take me for?!  What, ya think I’m gonna tell ya ta shove off just cuz your pa’s got a big stick up his-”

The rest of her words were muffled in Stan’s shirt as he pulled her into a hug.

“Just checkin’,” he whispered into her hair.  “Love ya too, Mom.”

********

Pa came down a while later, and sat stoically through breakfast, before telling Shermie, “Pack up the car when you’re done.  We’re leaving.”

Shermie blinked.  “Already?”

He nodded.  “Gotta get back to the shop.  The rubes ain’t gonna fleece themselves.”

The oldest son sighed.  “You got it, Pops.”

Pa gave him a sharp look at the slight insolence in his tone, but then went back to eating the eggs.

Since they hadn’t brought much, it didn’t take them long to get ready to leave.  Mom held both her boys tightly, wringing out promises for them to call her more often, and then Shermie took his turn for some more affectionate noogying and apologies for not getting to spend more time checking out their home.  Then they were putting their things in the car, leaving them alone on the porch with Pa.

Ford wondered if he was going to say-well, anything.

An apology was most likely too much to hope for, but-well, something.  Something to prove that he was a human being, not a robot.

All he did, though, was give a small nod, and then turn away and head for the car.

As they watched it drive back down the road, Ford said, “...We need to go to Dan’s place.”

“What for?”

“I need a drink.”

********

On the Corduroy cabin’s front porch, Dan poured out more of his family’s home-brewed liquor and handed it over.

“Sounds like you guys had a rough time.”

“...Wasn’t so bad, not after I gave ‘im the money,” Stan muttered into his glass.

“Ya shouldn’t’ve done that,” Ford scolded; his words slurred more than usual, finally making him sound like a Jersey boy for once.  “‘S wasted on ‘im. Prolly never even spend it.”

Stan shrugged, and held out his glass again.  “S’not my money anymore. I don’t care.”

The part of Ford’s brain still capable of rational thought wondered what exactly was in this Corduroy family recipe.  Dan had said it was apples...or mostly apples. Definitely had apples in it. It was powerful stuff, whatever it was; they’d only been doing this for half an hour and he’d already reached the point where the edges of his vision were going in and out of focus, and he needed to sit down even though he was already sitting down.  He squinted at Dan.

“How’re you handlin’ this stuff so well?  You’re lit-ral-lit-little-little-er-ally younger’n we are, you’ve had less years ta build up a tolerance for drink.”

Dan smirked.  “Guess I’m just manlier than you.”

Ford glared.  “Ha. Ha. You even drinkin’?”

Dan pointedly poured himself a glass of whatever-he-called this stuff (Crumble?  Scramble? Something like that), from the same bottle they’d been using, and gulped down a shot.

Stan whistled appreciatively.  “You’re good.”

“Got a lotta Scottish in my blood.  Makes it easy.”

“Nice.”

****

“...I shoulda stood up ta him better,” Ford muttered finally.

The other two stared at him.

“He started sayin’ all this crap about you bein’ a-a bad influence an’ stuff, Stanley, and I tried ta defend you, but I just...froze up.  I failed you again.”

“What?  No, nononono, don’t do that ta yourself.”  Stan scooted his chair over next to Ford’s, not heeding the horrible scraping noise it made on the wooden boards, and slung one big arm over his shoulder.  “S’not your fault, ‘kay? Dad’s-Mom says I got pershonality, but he’s got one too. Big one. Size’a New York City-big. Not an easy one ta go up against.”

“What, are you-are you sayin’ I don’t have personality?”  Ford gave Stan a wounded look.

“No, no, ‘course not.  Jus’ not a pers’nality used ta fightin’ people.  ‘Specially not Pa.” Stan squeezed him. “Not your fault.”  He ruffled Ford’s hair...and then gaped at it in wonder. “Whoa.  Your hair’s real...floofy. Heh heh. Floof, floof, floof.” He continued playing with it, giggling, until Ford swatted his hand.

He felt a little comforted by Stan’s words...but not much.  “S my job,” he insisted stubbornly, staring at the middle of Stan’s three faces floating before his eyes on the assumption that it was the real one.  “Needa...fix things. Last time-you were homeless cuz I couldn’t get over myself an’ help you, so I needa-”

“Hey, I shouldn’ta hung around your project, so I wouldn’t’ve broken it, so you coulda gone ta the dumb science college.  You’re more important than a boat, Sixer, an’I made ya feel like-likit was the other way ‘round.”  Stan suddenly snatched the bottle off the table, began chugging down the rest of its contents.

“Hey!  No fair, gimme that.”  Ford grabbed for it, leading to a sloppy tug-of-war that ended with the-grumble?  No, scumble, that was the name of this stuff-splashed all over both of them.

Ford put the bottle back on the table with a resigned sigh, and then wrapped his arm around Stan.

“You’re more important’n a college, St’nley,” he murmured, letting his heavy eyes droop shut.  “Shoulda remembered that too…”

****

Soon enough they were both snoring, completely passed out on each other.

Dan threw away the empty bottle, and went inside to grab a blanket, which he draped over both of them.  Then, as the effects of the scumble finally started to hit him, he just made himself comfortable stretching out on the porch.

********

When they wake up, all three boys are VERY hungover. Stan and Ford end up staying until they're feeling well enough to stand and walk home without throwing up, while Ford tries to deduce the ingredients for a hangover cure Fiddleford came up with in college. As best he recalls, it included a raw egg, Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce, but he could never get his friend to divulge the rest of it. He resolves to experiment until he deciphers it on his own-as soon as his head stops feeling like it's all stuffed with rocks that keep rolling around and banging into each other.

Stan has a few nightmares while he’s sleeping them off, but he doesn’t remember them that well when he wakes up, just being surrounded by a lot of indistinct whispers.

[blue-eyedangel21]

I’m sorry..

So I wrote a whole essay yesterday only for tumblr to be really stupid and I lost it. Anyways, I came to write out my feelings and my thoughts before being done with this tumblr.  I've mentioned this tumblr to you before and you didn't care enough to even look at it for yourself. So I'm sure me typing all this is a huge waste of time but its worth losing this amount of time to let out everything I need to, to move on. It's time I put this all in my past. So we tried again recently.  And I fucked it up. Because that's all I've been doing for years now.  I'm really sorry, truly, for how i behaved and lashed out on you. It's not okay how I handled that situation.  But I have told people time and time again that I am NOT doing well mentally or emotionally. And I was not kidding nor exaggerating, as you had to find out the hard way. I did try to calm myself down when I was mad and said how I felt and what I thought at first in the most calm way I knew how then you proceeded to be an asshole and talk to me sideways. So I lost my shit. You had the opportunity to see my ugly"asshole" side.  You say I can't handle yours  when I dealt with it for a year, but you couldn't handle mine after ONE time of lashing out on you. I did NOT ghost you. I told you in the voice clip, that I was done. YOU said you weren't listening to it. So therefore it was your fault that you didn't know i was done. Your fault that you didn't take the time to hear what I had to say and went around saying I ghosted you. In that moment of anger, I was done with you. But of course like always after my anger and feelings have calmed down, I felt like shit and regretted how I behaved and the stupid decisions I make when I'm upset. So in all of that out of control emotion, I lost you. And IT IS MY FAULT. And yes I do regret it. But what is done is done. I admitted to being the problem.  But im not all of what was wrong in that relationship.  You too had issues of your own that you did not hold yourself accountable for. And I dont find it fair that I had no problem admitting I was the issue and holding myself accountable for that and my behavior. However I rarely ever heard you own up to your shit. So I'm not taking all the blame but I can take most of it because some of it was me too and not just you. But I bet you are okay with me taking the blame for all of it. The constant leaving you was not because I wanted to but because of how you made me feel. Yet I felt like I couldn't live with you, I also couldn't live without you. And that was the confusing part. Why i probably kept going back and forth. I never felt this way about anyone . I never felt like I couldn't live with them but I couldn't live without them either. You have disrespected me many times and I bit my tongue and said nothing. My whole life I've been around drama and bullshit and narcissistic abuse.. so I dont know how to be confrontational in a healthy way or how to communicate effectively without feeling like im always the problem or im wrong or my feelings are wrong. And etc. It's hard to explain but a lot of that has to do with what I had to deal with growing up and still somewhat dealing with it as an adult. So im trying to break myself from bad, unhealthy, toxic behaviors and habits. So thats why im still doing and reacting the way i am. I am 25 years old and still dealing with that shit, its not part of my past yet, but it will be. So thats just explaining why I'm like this, not excusing it.  So the times I left were mostly YOUR fault. But you also left at least  2 times too..so it isn't all me. Every time I would for sure leave you alone, youd come running back. Just when I thought I could move on here you were. And sometimes I was the one running back. Like I said i was confused. But im not running back this time. I'm not gonna reach out to you. I dont hate you nor do I love you any less. I still love you with all of my heart and that hasn't changed nor will it ever even if that has changed for you because of how I've hurt you. But for me this is speaking my truth. And thsts the truth. I'm sorry that i threw everything we were trying to build together, in the garbage over an argument and because of my emotions and my mental health being so terrible. If I could go back and change that I would but we are better off going our separate ways. I'm sorrh I had to block you but I had to block Sierra too. I do not appreciate her posts. Feel what she may but what I wrote was honest and wasn't just about you but about others I've hurt along the way. You are not the only one. I don't care that she feels that way or if she doesn't like me anymore. She's not in my shoes nor are you, to understand or try to understand. I already admitted to being the issue so if she didn't like what I posted on my fb she could've just deleted and blocked me. But instead of reacting in a bad way i deleted and blocked her because i dont need negativity when im trying to heal and move on. I dont need her judgmentYou sent19 minutes agoNor do I need yours. You are always gonna see me as the bad guy and that's fine. But im no longer looking at myself that way. I'm seeing a woman who is trying to break herself from toxic ways and toxic behavior but is struggling to do it while also going through a lot of shit. Im flawed just like you..I'm not perfect. Not even close to it. I've been understanding and patient and always trying to see your perspective and its never really been a two ways street with you. You expect that from me but don't expect to give it back. And I'm tired of that. Been tired of that. I put it in alot of effort to make shit work when I was trying to fix things but I got tired, Bee. I didn't take you seriously because every time I tried to i didnt feel like you were taking it seriously enough to change your ways and your lifestyle. I wanted you to work so you had an income to better yourself and your future and also to help tatianna with Julian. As a single mom it is hard to take care of a kid by yourself and I wanted you to try to help her financially at least.  And not only a job but to stop drinking because I don't want you to end up in a coffin at such a young age. And to leave behind your son. How fair is that to Julian?  I love you, bee. I never want anything bad to happen to you even if you don't believe that. You're the only one who doesn't see how much i love you or how bad you have had an emotional toll on me. For some reason you're blinded by all of that. You say i didn't love you but if i hadn't I would've been done with you the very first time we broke up in November . But no I fell hard for you and put a lot of effort and love into us only for us to fall apart. So.. I hope you know i wanted a family with you too. I wanted to wake up next to you and my daughter,  and one day maybe. Not just my daughter. But a child of our own. With big blue eyes and curly hair.. that looked like you. I wanted a lil boy that looked like you with my eyes and hair and your face.  I wanted that more than i could tell you. I never could tell you that because i got embarrassed.  But I wanted that, with you. Not anyone else and now i feel like that I don't want another relationship.  Nor do i want to even bother starting over with someone else and feeling like this again. I don't even care anymore. Im so drained and exhausted. You were the love of my life. I fucked it up and now the bed I made, I have to lay in. So yeah you get the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting and regretting what I did. But I get the satisfaction of never allowing myself to make this mistake again with another person and to focus on my issues with myself so I don't bring this kind of baggage and problems into my future relationships.  So maybe it's for the better that we move on. Maybe one day you can forgive me  enough to not hate me and maybe if I'm lucky enough to at least call you my friend.  I loved you like I've never loved anyone and it is hard to write without crying but I know that sometimes life is pain and heartbreak and that if we were ever meant to be than maybe somewhere down the road we could rekindle a friendship or more but maybe the timing is off and you were my right person but wrong time. . Maybe you'll come back...maybe you won't but please know you had my heart like no others. I felt that in my soul.  I felt it when I looked at you. When I thought about you. When i talked about you. When I looked in your eyes. When you smiled or laughed. When you were doing whatever and I was just staring at you. With every kiss. Every moment in your arms. When you were sleeping so peacefully.  When you were being you, I felt like i was home and I cant tell you the last time i felt that way. It was when my grandma was alive. So to find someone who was even close to feeling like home is a serious misfortune to lose like this. And losing you and this relationship will be a grieving process for me. I had to lose the one thing that brought me happiness, wholeness and love. So I'm heartbroken it has come to this because of my actions. But I love you Bee. Please take care of yourself.

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[oswednesday]

,

so my mom is back with the groceries she still insists on getting them instead of having them delivered cause shes like evil, so im unpacking them and she starts going off on how i didnt finish the dishes before she got back she was GONE FOR FOUR HOURS like, it was an hour and a half and you didnt do any?? more has gotten done in your absence???? and then she was telling me not do to anything, she was going to put it away cause she had to rearrange the fridge for the ?turkey? she got that no one is going to eat gffhfhfhfh its spring????????? we all agreed on like? seafood??????? me and my brother and my mom collectively might have one slice each she got a whole entire turkey we dont even do that for thanksgiving and shes like going on about this deal she got on it while yelling at me about the counter space like how the dishes were in the way cause she has to rearrange the fridge like literally no one asked for this dfhf and id NEVER put the groceries on the side where the to wash dishes go??? gross!!!! and im literally like its the same amount of counter space we always have, and she starts laughing just this nasty laugh and i was like you know what you Can do this all by yourself then and i left the kitchen, and now she’s like bouncing between it would have Actually been useful if you did x/y/z chores (all of which she and my brother should be able to do if she wants it done before i can get to it) and like talking all chummy chummy about stuff in a baby tone that id love to be excited  for but :/ and she was like what do you want to do for dinner and i was like i dont care which was like i wish i had been more tactful but im so just emotionally done like,,,,,she’s not eating breakfast cause my brother already did and shes like talk yelling the justification of that to no one and whatever i say just doesnt matter cause shes so impulsive like its fun teenager style rebellion against,,,like WHAT, and also its not a big deal every single day youre 50something years old who yells at me when ever i have a preference who dated guys that would abuse us for getting excited about dinner and asking like hey can we have this and she’d turn that back around on us, i havnt eaten dinner with them in months shes going to act like shes some kind of homemaker cause we’re all here again like! you had your actual chance and any kinda alternative chance she just blows constantly, like make a fucking meal plan or shut up, like its just the endless wasted breath and a waste of my time! and she’s was like oh so youre just going to stay mad like, this is the natural consequence to your actions, the fact im even humoring her like Look What I Got At The Store! like???? i was??? we could have together but you decided to be an ass and now we arnt like????? you ruined that for yourself! now we are all sitting alone and quiet in our rooms omg! and shes like talking out loud to herself and coming around to this side of the house to complain to me about like general vent dump stuff and im like making noncomental noise as much as possible, like i just wish i knew how like, aware, she is of her actions,,like if she’s completely just out of it then positive reinforcement when shes acting nice would improve the situations, but if she is aware positive reinforcement will just escalde her abusive behaviors but its also like Why! should i! i dont want to mother her or baby her thats not fair to me! but even as i type that i know thats not true :c why am i like the only person on the entire planet willing to do this  fhhffhf like she deserves people who care about her well being even when shes being horrible i dont think shes ever had anyone Care about her as a person outside of me, which i know is a cold take on my brothers but just you know, i wish i had an actual mom and not this spoiled brat dfhj

[azaraspirit]

Daughter of Thor: Chapter One

ok im too excited for this chapter to wait two hours lmao i really hope you guys like it!!!

tagging: @petersboyfriendsonofthor @keepingupwiththeparkers @mcuspidey @starksparker @spiderboytotherescue @spideypeach @fanboy-tom @underoos-tom @pmvelez97

warnings: mild language, some bullying

word count: 2280

a/n: sorry for the long post im on mobile so i cant use the keep reading cut whixh i think is annoying af. feedback and reblogs would be greatly appreciated! idk when ch2 will up. next week most likely. i put all of my energy into this first chapter so i still need to plot the next one and outline it and what not.

***

Thor felt love for his wife Jane and his friends but nothing compared to the little bundle of joy that he held in his arms. When Jane first told him she was pregnant, he was absolutely thrilled and now their daughter was finally here. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. She took after Thor with his eyes and curly blonde hair but had her mother’s nose, lips and chin.

Fresh tears trickled down Thor’s cheeks as he admired his new daughter that was wrapped in a blanket.

“So beautiful.” Thor praised. His infant daughter grabbed one of his fingers, making him smile.

“You’re never going to give her back are you?” Jane asked as she saw how in love Thor was with their child.

“Never.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “May I remind you that I did all the work?”

“Okay, you can name her but that’s the best I can do.” Thor teased.

“I always liked the name Hannah.”

Thor smiled down at his daughter. “Hannah, daughter of Thor. I like the sound of that.”

***

“What do you think you’re doing?” Thor chuckled as he watched his little girl attempt to climb onto the throne.

She grunted, pushing herself up but to no avail. “Trying to sit on my throne.” she pouted.

“Your throne?” Thor questioned.

“Well someday it will be.”

Thor laughed, picking up his little toddler in his arms. “Yes, one day, little one. You are destined for greatness and someday you shall be the queen of Asgard. But for now, you’re my little princess.” He gently kissed her cheek.

“Dad! Not in front of Uncle Loki!”

He looked up to see his brother approaching them. “Don’t worry, I didn’t see anything.” He smirked, holding his palms up.

Hannah wiggled out of her father’s arms to run after her uncle. She hugged his legs before he picked her up and wrapped her arms around his neck. “How about we do some training today little one?” Loki asked.

“Okay.” Hannah smirked as she held up one of his daggers.

“You little sneak!”

They both laughed.

Thor stared at them. “You teaching my daughter to pickpocket?!”

Loki shrugged, trying to look innocent. “Figured I should teach her what I know.”

“She’s only five! Too young for daggers!”

Hannah rolled her eyes. “Told you he’d get mad when he found out.”

“Well you’re the one who picked in front of him.”

“You taught me.”

“Touche.”

“I don’t like my daughter playing with weapons.” Thor said sternly.

“Brother, hear me out….”

“Okay, I’m waiting.” Thor crossed his arms.

Loki cleared his throat but no words came out. Thor raised a brow.

“Never thought you’d let me get this far.” Loki admitted.

“Dad, he’s teaching me to defend myself.” Hannah spoke.

“Yes, what she said.” Loki agreed, nodding.

“Hannah darling, you’re only five.” Thor defended. “What do you need to defend yourself from?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m a highly sophisticated five year old.”

“She’s not wrong.” Loki shrugged.

Thor sighed, seeing he was outnumbered. Looks like his daughter inherited her mother’s stubbornness. “Tell me you’re being careful.”

She nodded. “Haven’t even scratched myself yet, Father.”

“You should see her in action. She’s a feisty one!” Loki smiled at her proudly.

Thor sighed again. “I’d rather not.”

“So can we train Uncle Loki? Please?” Hannah batted her eyes and there was no way Loki could say no.

“Course. That is if your father is okay with it.”

They both looked up at Thor. “Pout your lips, he can’t resist when I do it.” she whispered to him.

Loki pouted his lower lip making Thor chuckle. “Alright. Just be careful. I mean it.”

“Thanks Daddy! I promise!”

***

That evening Hannah was in her bedroom with her mother Jane who was braiding her hair as she told of her adventures with Uncle Loki.

“Knives huh?” Jane asked.

She nodded. “You should have seen me, Mom! Uncle Loki said I was really good for my age!”

“Uncle Loki.” Jane sighed, still not his biggest fan. “I don’t like the idea of you playing with sharp objects honey.”

“Daddy said the same thing but he let me.”

Jane sighed again, padding her shoulders. “All done, sweetie.” They looked in her mirror, Hannah admiring her new French braid. “I love it, Mommy! Thank you!” She stood up to hug her and kiss her cheek, making Jane laugh.

“You’re welcome, sweetie.”

“You’re not gonna let me stop training with Uncle Loki are you?” She pouted. “We have a lot of fun.”

“You’re guilt tripping me aren’t you?” Jane asked.

“Maybe.” Hannah looked away innocently.

“Well I guess you should know how to protect yourself.” she said.

“Thank you, Mommy.” Hannah kissed her cheek again.

“This is my dagger.” She grabbed her weapon from her dresser and showed it to her. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Also dangerous.” said Jane, holding it in her hand. It was rather stunning. A black hilt decorated with green jewels. Swirls were carved in the blade.

“Uncle Loki gave it to me.” Hannah smiled proudly.

“The things he teaches you.” she sighed.

“You teach me things too, Mommy.”

“Like what?” she smiled.

“Well I know how to be nice and kind to everyone and you just taught me how to French Braid. Uncle Loki is teaching me self defense. Father teaches me about strength, loyal and honor.”

Jane smiled down at her, proud of what the woman her daughter was growing into. “We just want you to be safe is all.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“I know, Mommy. Like I told, Daddy, haven’t even scratched myself yet.”

Jane stroked her cheek fondly and kissed her temple. “It’s getting late, honey, let’s go to bed.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

***

Jane walked in the empty corridor, her daughter now asleep for the night. She had a few words to say to her Uncle Loki.

She knocked on his door and he answered. “Fancy seeing you here, Lady Jane.”

Jane rolled her eyes at the nickname. “I want to talk.”

Loki stepped aside to let her in. “I know we’re family now but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about what you did in New York.”

This time Loki rolled his eyes. “Heaven's sake that was a lifetime ago.”

“Still, it happened.”

Loki didn’t respond.

“But I’m gonna put up with you because I see how much my daughter loves you. She admires you and she spent twenty minutes excitingly telling me about your training.” Her voice was laced with venom at the last word. “I don’t think it’s exactly appropriate giving five year olds sharp objects.”

Loki forced a dry laugh. “Thor said that to me as well and I understand but I also think you two underestimate her. She is more capable than you know. I am training her so she can be great.”

Jane sighed. “She can be great doing other things than fighting.”

“I’m not teaching her to fight. I’m teaching her self defense. There is a difference.”

Jane narrowed her eyes at him. “Whatever you call it, I want her to safe. Train her better, train her harder. Train her to where she can defeat even you.”

An uncomfortable silence settled between the two adults. “I will, I promise.” Loki swore. “I care about her more than you know as if she were my own. I would never do anything to put her in arms way. I would never make her do anything I wouldn’t think she was capable of.”

Jane stared at him, surprised by how genuine he sounded. He was telling the truth. “Just keep her safe.”

“Yes, Lady Jane. You have my word.”

Jane smirked. “Enough with this Lady Jane crap. It’s weird.”

Loki bowed making her roll her eyes. “I’m going to bed, goodnight.”

****

Thor never liked the idea of his daughter playing with weapons but he found himself watching from nearby as she and Loki train in the throne room. He cheered when she sent Loki to the floor, a knife at his neck. He had to admit she was rather good.

Loki chuckled. “Better. Much better.”

Hannah smirked. “Don’t worry I wouldn’t have actually stab you.”

“Thanks.”

She offered her hand and he took it but he pulled her into a headlock, forcing her to her knee with his foot.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to let your guard down?”

She grunted. “Damn it.”

He let go and flipped his dagger. “Letting your guard down can have deadly consequences. Never forget that.” He let her go and she cursed to herself. “Think that’s enough training for today.” It’s been years since his encounter with Jane but he has never forgotten the promise he made to her to making Hannah better than him in training.

Hannah scolded herself as she left the throne room, catching her dad in the hall. “Hey, Dad. What are you doing in here?”

Thor was caught off guard. “What? Oh, I was just uh, inspecting these columns.” He patted the one next to him. “Yup. Still sturdy.”

Hannah saw right through his lie. “You were watching me and Uncle Loki weren’t you?”

“No.” he scoffed, avoiding eye contact, crossing his arms.

“You’re so full of it.” she smirked as she and him went down the hall.

“You are pretty good, by the way.” Thor spoke, his arm around her.

“Thanks, Dad.”

She was twelve now and has become a rather excellent fighter but Uncle Loki still wasn’t entirely please. He was hard on her. All she wanted to do was please him but nothing seemed good enough.

She and her father stood out on the balcony, overlooking Asgard in all its glory. It was beautiful and she never got tired of it.

“Dad?”

“Yes, love?”

“When can I visit Earth? Mom is from there and you told me of all your adventures you had. Seems only fair I can come too.”

Thor sighed. “I thought about it. But I was going to wait till your older. Earth is...strange...dangerous. Here in Asgard, you’re safe.”

“But being safe all the time is boring.” Hannah complained. “I know how to defend myself. You saw. Please, Dad I really want to go.”

“Okay, let’s make a deal.” Thor said, Hannah hanging on his every word. “You can come along with me when you can defeat Loki in training.”

She scoffed. “That's not fair.”

“Never said it had to be fair. Or you can wait till you’re sixteen. Whichever comes first.”

Hannah groaned. “Fifteen?”

“Fine.” Like she would ever beat her Uncle.

Her father rested a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, love.”

He gently kissed her on her head before leaving.

Hannah sighed. She stood there for what felt like hours, watching the sky change. She rested her forearms on the balcony, looking down and something caught her eye. She noticed a young boy, her age maybe a little older. Three other boys were surrounding him. He looked uncomfortable, almost intimidated like he was prey and the boys were a pack of wolves.

Hannah almost ignored them but when she saw them shove the cornered boy to the ground, anger boiled inside of her. If there was one thing she hated was bullies.

“What are you gonna do about it, blind boy?” the middle boy mocked. “Gonna go cry to your parents? Oh right. They’re dead.”

“Don’t you know? Blind boys can’t cry.”

“Good one.” The boys bumped fists.

The cornered boy felt utterly helpless as he was backed against the wall. One of them raised their fists but before he could punch him, Hannah suddenly dropped down between them, grabbing hold of his fist.

“Whoa, what the fuck? Where did you come from?” They jumped back, startled.

“Asgard.” Hannah answered, flatly.

“Move out the way, this isn’t your business.”

“Dude, that’s Thor’s daughter.” one of the bullies realized.

“So? I’m not afraid of her.”

Hannah looked back at the boy behind her. “You okay?” she whispered.

He nodded.

The lead bully took advantage and swung at her but she grabbed his arm, surprising him. “Bitch, please.” she scoffed, rolling her eyes. She twisted his arm behind his back and stepped behind his knee, forcing him to the ground. He cried out in pain.

“Hurt this boy again and I’ll break your wrists? Got it?”

They nodded and she let go, shoving him with her foot. They scrambled away like cowards with tails under their legs. She had to admit it felt good finally using some of the techniques her uncle has tought her.

She turned to face him. “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you. What’s your name? I’m Hannah.”

“Zander.”

“Hey, Zander. Why were they teasing you?”

“I’m blind.”

“Oh.”

“Thanks for saving me. You didn’t have to.”

“I know.” She smiled. He smiled back. She couldn’t help but notice how cute he was. He had messy black hair and freckles dusted across his cheeks and nose. His lashes were a mile long. His eyes were a milky white but they almost glowed. He was rather skinny and wore ragged clothes.

“I was just about to go home and have dinner. Care to join?” She paused. “Maybe after a bath?”

“W-why are you being nice to me?” His voice was frail and it broke her heart.

“Because being mean doesn’t help anybody. C’mon.” She offered him her hand again and he hesitated. She was the only person he knew that showed him any kindness. Her hand felt soft and smooth as his fingers curled around her own, the boy realizing that she truly meant no harm. That moment he swore his loyalty to her. She saved his life and one day he swore to save hers.

[bigskydreaming]

Everybody believes and supports survivors until the second a survivor accuses someone they’re close to. Without fail. Every single goddamn time.

That last reblog...fuck. I’m so mad for that OP I’m shaking. There’s nothing new about their post and that’s what hurts the most. That convo they posted was the same song and dance every single survivor who knows one of their abusers or rapists knows by heart and has heard so many times before they can say the words along with the person they try and confide in.

Doesn’t matter how loud someone is in saying all the right things about believing and supporting survivors, how vehement they are about hating rapists and abusers, how much they present themselves as someone SAFE to be around. The second you accuse someone THEY’VE always felt safe and comfortable around, they will always, always, ALWAYS find a way to tell you you’re wrong and don’t know what you’re talking about, you misremembered or read too much into things or got confused or mistook them for someone else or it wasn’t REALLY rape or abuse or a million fucking things that aren’t actually I SUPPORT YOU. I BELIEVE YOU. THE WAY I’VE CLAIMED TO ALL THIS TIME, MAKING YOU THINK YOU COULD ACTUALLY TELL ME THIS.

And then non-survivors all wonder why so few of us disclose, why so few of us come to you, confide in you, do the exact fucking thing we know will always end the exact fucking way BECAUSE THATS THE WAY IT ALWAYS FUCKING GOES, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SWEAR ‘I’M NOT LIKE THAT.’

And people wonder why I’m so goddamn VITRIOLIC about abuse and rape apologism in fandoms, and so goddamn adamant about not encouraging people to forgive and move on, and so fucking insistent on holding ppl accountable, whether fictional characters or celebrities or random fucking posters, for shit they’ve done even years before, not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they’ve changed and grown and learn from their lesson, like why am I so sure they’re still like that, ‘you don’t know’.

Except yeah. I do. Because its all so fucking predictable. The sheer number of times I’ve heard variations of that same exact combo since the first time I tried to confide in someone growing up about the shit my mom did to me....I honestly can not count. I can name less than five people I’ve confided in over the twenty five years or so since then who ACTUALLY made me feel safe in doing so, who just sat there and shut up and didn’t try to do or say anything other than “I’m sorry you had to live that, I’m sorry that happened to you.” But I couldn’t even BEGIN to tell you the number of times I’ve tried to open up with people about the shit that hurt me, that terrified me, that traumatized me, only to have them turn around and with ‘good intentions’ awkwardly try and mitigate it and dilute it and water it down or reframe it or give her the benefit of the doubt AS THOUGH ITS THEIR PLACE TO DO SO because she’s my mom and you all just can’t fucking HANDLE living in a world where moms do that shit to their kids. But you still expect ME to, without any of that much vaunted ‘belief and support’ you’re always going on and on and ON about, while you keep living in fantasy land where actually, what actually happened was she was just trying her best and it wasn’t her fault and it was all just bad dreams and remembering shit wrong because who really remembers stuff from when they were kids anyway? LOLOLOL. Fun fact. Once you know what a wire hanger feels like after its been heated on a stove, THATS NOT SOMETHING YOU EVER FUCKING FORGET.

And its exhausting. So. FUCKING. Exhausting.

Like the true, honest to god reason I don’t have any fucking chill when it comes to judging people for characters they stan for or the arguments they make in defense of abusive characters or how people will go to fucking hell and back to defend their right to enjoy their precious noncon rape fantasy smut in peace?

I’ll be totally fucking honest with you, on some fucked up level that I acknowledge is unfair but I just honestly don’t give a fuck - its a test. I admit it. It is. Because at this point in my life, this far into it, this many times listening to the same shit play out any and every single time it comes up, I fundamentally do not trust, do not feel safe, or secure, or capable of fully relaxing, around anyone unless and until I’ve seen them willing to sacrifice something. Give up something or someone, a character or celeb or friend or relative who they formerly were close to or took comfort in or spoke highly of, because that character or celeb or whomever did something that was a dealbreaker, hurt someone or said or did something that made them go you know what, enough, that’s too far, no amount of joy or comfort or security I formerly felt because of this character or person can justify this thing they did, I can see that and this is me actually DOING something with that acknowledgment.

It doesn’t have to be for my benefit, doesn’t have to be for a reason I personally agree with, whatever, it just needs to be SOMETHING. Something visible, something real. Not just hating certain characters or celebs or people, but ones who once meant something to you, something that says.....I used to think this person or this character or this celeb was good and I could like them or even love them and be comfortable and safe around them.....but then someone told me otherwise and I BELIEVED THEM. I SUPPORTED THEM. I. PICKED. THEM.

Because without that, it just is what it is. I don’t care if its not rational, or fair, I just don’t. Twenty five years of the same broken record, I’m tired. I’ve heard “I believe, I support” to the accompanying tune of actions that say the exact opposite so many fucking times it does honestly take a shock to the system, the goddamn JOLT of actually SEEING the proof that at least once, you DID believe someone, you DID do something with that belief, for me to actually think oh fuck, they actually mean it this time instead of oh look, a person who gets off to rape fic is reblogging a ‘look how much I support survivors, Im such a good person’ ego-stroke again.

You can say all you want oh its just fiction, it doesn’t mean anything that I stan this abusive character or this celeb I don’t know, if a person in my REAL LIFE came to me and said this other person I know hurt them, I’d believe THEM, that’d be totally different....but its NOT. Its not remotely and I dont know how so many ppl actually buy this shit coming out of their own mouths cuz if it doesnt really matter cuz its a fictional character or a celeb you dont even know and you STILL cant bear to give up whatever enjoyment you get out of them once its pointed out hey that person or character you enjoy is a fucking rapist....then how the FUCK do you delude yourself you’d be able to give up a person you’ve spent any length of time trusting and being comfortable around in your real, personal life, if someone else disclosed to you that they fucking abused or raped them??? YOU WOULDN’T. AND I KNOW YOU WOULDN’T, BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU GUYS SAY IN DEFENSE OF THESE CELEBS OR THESE PEOPLE ARE THE EXACT WORDS I’VE HEARD SAID OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

So many of you act like you think there’s this magical fucking SIGN you expect to get from on high, if shit like this ever happened in real life, that would magically distinguish it as an OH SHIT THIS TIME ITS FOR REAL moment, like okay NOW its make it or break it time, NOW it matters. And survivors keep telling you over and over again it ALWAYS matters. EVERY TIME you say this shit it ALWAYS matters, because what you’re always saying is what EVERYONE says.....”if I try hard enough, I can find SOME WAY to excuse this shit, so I don’t have to lose anything here, so I can keep going through life exactly as I have been.”

Somehow, some way, it always plays out the same....the SECOND we do or say something that puts someone on the spot, makes them CHOOSE, who will I believe, who will I support.....they always, always, ALWAYS find a way to support the other person, to make you the easy one to discard and toss away, like you’re the problem, you’re the enemy for making them choose in the first place.

Ugh. Fuck it. Whatever. I’m tired and gotta get back to work anyway. Not to be bitter or resentful, but that’s what happens when you’ve got no family as a support system cuz you ‘alienated’ them all by spending most of your life hating them for making you spend every Tuesday night alone with the woman they’ll still never admit abused you every week like clockwork til you finally fucking put your foot down and fucking revolted when you were ten, lmao.

[dealersofatlanta]

Part 1: Chapter 3 (Pt. 2)

January 4th 2012:

Heiress: age 17

“Stopppp ok in what year did Japan attack the United States?” I asked My boyfriend X. We were studying at his house for the graduation test. He was kissing on me. “Baby we been studying everyday this week, its Friday come on lets watch a movie and chill out” X said. I sighed. “Fine, but we start again tomorrow” I told him. X and I had been together since August of last year. We started off as mutual friends, but we became close after his dad died. I don’t know much about his dad but X said he was an amazing father. He was killed in an attempted robbery he told me. He had been living with his mom before she moved to L.A and he refused to go because of me, so now he lives with his brother named Omari. X and I were different in our enviroment but we had alot of chemistry. Although we lived in Buckhead, my mom worked 2 jobs just for me to attend West Lake, its a private school, but X had said his father left him enough money in his Will, so he paid of my tuition and paid up our rent, bout us bought me a car, and put some money to the side for me to go to medical school, now my mom works from home. “You the smartest girl I know, fuck that test” He said to me kissing my nose. I smiled at him. “How did I get so lucky?” I asked. He shrugged. “I ask myself that everyday” He said. I logged on to my laptop and went on Facebook. “Hard to study when bae wants to be up under u :(“ with X Knight. I posted my status on my page. “So I already paid for our Prom Tickets and I paid for a room” X told me. “A room?” I asked. He smirked. “You said you wanted to lose your V card like they do in the movies, so bet” He said. I laughed at him. “Your so corny nigga” I told him. He rolled his eyes. I heard his front door shut. “Man nah kill any nigga thats trying to fuck with our profit!” I heard Omari say as he walked in. He looked over at me. “Yeah, but Im holla at you later fam” He hung up the phone and slightly smiled. “Business” He simply said. I nodded and waved. I never knew what O did for a living. X said he owned alot of properties. “What yall kids up to?” He asked. “Studying” X said. Omari nodded. “Yeah, I don’t miss highschool, how yall been? All in love and shit” He said smiling. X threw a paper ball at Omari. “Man shut up” He said the boys started play fighting. “Ima let yall finish, X meet me downstairs later in the basement” He said. X nodded. “You want to take a walk?” I asked. He nodded.

“Were do you see yourself in 5 years?” X asked me as we walked around his gated subdivision. X lived in a mansion with 7 bedrooms. They had 5 cars outside, a body guard and security. “I see myself working in a hospital delivering babies, and being with you maybe marriage kids I can’t look that far” I said. X nodded. “I want to own my own restaraunt one day, marry you and have a football team of kids” He said. I gave him a crazy look. “Nigga, I’m only having one kid, im not messing up my coochie for your football team” I told him. He smiled at me. “You might never know” He said. I nodded. “Your right, I might get to marry Drake” O said. He stopped smiling. “Quit playing” He said. “Im dead ass X” I said trying not to smile. “Ima way better looking than that nigga anyways” He pouted. I shrugged. “Long as you believe it thats all that matters” I said. He sucked his teeth in. “Heiress, go back to the house and leave” He said acting like a big kid. “Okay” I said playfully turning around. He grabbed my waist back softly. “Nah girl you aint leaving me” He said kissing on my cheek.

X age 18:

After my dad passed, alot shit changed. My mom moved out and went to L.A. she wanted me to move with her but I wanted to stay with family. She said she check up on me, but I aint heard from her since she left except Christmas. I been spending alot of time with Heriess. My angel, we aint been together long but I know shes the one, shes different from all the girls at West Lake. She not trying to date me cause I got money, she want the best for me, and I want to be the best for her. I think I love her. She knows nothing about my dad and what he actually does, my dad taught me at 10years old how to shoot a gun, and what happens to people who snitch. I saw my dad kill somebody because they snitched to the police. He taught me at 13 how to differeciate the difference between the test of coke and crack. He taught me what every pill, drug, and weed looks like, to know when someones trying to jug you. At 15 he bought me my first trap phone, training me to know when someone is a snitch, how to pay off the police, to keep them quiet. Omari still showing me the ins and outs but I also want to be a Chef. I want to help Ace and Omari building my dads legacy, but I want a normal life as well. If Heiress found out about any of the this, I think it would scare her away.

“So whats the whole point of this show?” I asked Heiress. We was in my room watching Pretty Little Liars on Demand. “It’s a good ass show” She said. I smiled at her. She was always cute when she was serious with something. My phone buzzed...

“I got to go” I told Heiress. She looked up at me as she was laying her head in my lap. “What’s up?” She asked. I sighed. “Remember I told you my dad cheated on my mom and I have a little sister?” I said. She nodded. “Well her mom texted me letting me know shes been acting out again”. She looked at me on confusion. “Why?”. I shrugged. “I don’t know she been like this since I met her, she been leaving school early and shit. I have to find her” I told her getting up. “Well shes 14, she just met her dad in a casket some months ago, this is all new to her. She has a right to lash out. When my parents got divorced I was angry as hell that my dad ran off with some bitch and left me and my mother high and dry. I was mad at her for letting him leave us, she will eventually calm down” She said. I shurgged. “Maybe”. She followed me outside. “I will call you when I get back aight?” I told her. She nodded. I kissed her before we both got in our cars, and went our seperate ways.

Tiana: age 14

“Im not a baby! I don’t need you telling strangers my where abouts!” I yelled at my mom. She shook her head. “You are out of control TiTi, I can’t keep track of you. You are smoking weed now, drinking and sneaking out. You are 14 years old! You are not grown!” My mom Melissa yelled. I rolled my eyes. I heard a knock at the door. My mom walked over and opened the door. It was my brother X. “Hey X, Im sooo happy your here” She hugged him. I sighed loudly. It had been my mom, my grandmother and my moms family for the longest. We stayed on the Eastside of Atlanta. We used to live on BoulderCrest, but when my dad died he gave us money. My mom moved us to the rich side of Decatur. We were Puertorican, but me I was Afro-Latina. My father was black. I always knew about my dad. My mama would tell me he was a very busy man, and then 9 months ago she told me he died. I never met him, never heard his voice nothing. I missed a man I never met so much. “What’s up Ti” X said hugging me. “You good?” X asked. I shrugged. “Can I live with you and O?” I asked him. He smiled and shook his head. “You got a nice little crib here” I groaned. “Yall treat me like a child! Im 14!” i yelled. X lightly grabbed my arm and we went upstairs to my room. “Look I know your angry and hurting, I’m still trying to heal to since Dad died but shit happens, and life goes on. When you turn 18 you can go wherever you want with the money Dad gave you but now, I need you to respect your mama cause shit, atleast she’s still here, to love you and make sure you good or whatever. Man just chill” He said to me. I looked down. “Okay?” He asked. I nodded. “Okay, but Im dead ass leaving here” I told him. He dapped me up and hugged me. “Yeah, and going to college” He said. “Maybe Ima be like Dad” I said. He shook his head. “You see where that got him” X said. “But you doing it?” I said as a matter of fact. “I will eventually because thats what he asked for in his will, he still wants us to go to school you don’t got dreams?” He asked me. I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know, marry Lil- Wayne” I said. He sighed. “Nah like real dreams”. He asked. “I want to be a make up artist” I told him. He nodded. “Aight its settled, you can go to beauty school and if you graduate you can get your half” He said to me. I shook my head. “Nooo! Thats not fair!” I yelled. He shrugged. “I aint letting you burn Dads money he died making for you to blow it all on weed, liquor and buy shit for these niggas, got me fucked up” He said. I rolled my eyes. “Its my money I can do what I want” I said. He nodded. “Fine”