#more seriously there are uh. work ethic vs personal life reasons why i would not continue a fanfic as a commission work

[athanatosora]

If someone were to donate you 50 dollars to do a chapter of a specific fanfic you have unfinished, would you do it?

the cost of me confronting my past sins is too expensive for anyone to afford

[missfay49]

Who is Orange?

Disclaimer: Please enjoy?  Accept?  Beware?  This… Thing that started out as character analysis and turned into a deranged fanfic, because I experienced a literal revelation mid-way through free writing.  I did not clean this up much because I’m still reeling from the theory implications myself.  I cursed a lot.

~

What does Orange Side represent?

What do we know?

Orange is a “Dark Side”, defined as being one of the Sides hidden from C!Thomas.

The other Hidden Sides were Janus, Remus, and Virgil.

All the Hidden Sides were hidden due to a key aspect of their character that C!Thomas had to first acknowledge and then accept.  Virgil required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had heightened anxiety and accept that anxiety isn’t inherently wrong, just a different form of information that can be processed.  Remus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he had intrusive thoughts and accept that those thoughts don’t make him evil; they’re just thoughts.  Janus required C!Thomas to acknowledge that he was capable of lying and accept that acting “selfishly” sometimes isn’t just okay, but actually critically important to managing stress.

 What are the common themes here?  

Confronting the reality about ourselves instead of pretending some traits don’t exist.

Understanding ourselves to be more complex than ‘good’ and ‘evil’.

Addressing mental health.  

Orange Side is still hidden, but we can expect him to be something C!Thomas doesn’t want to (or isn’t ready to) acknowledge.  Something that would be difficult to accept about oneself.  All Hidden Sides fall under the jurisdiction of Janus, so let’s take another look at him.

In “Can Lying Be Good?” we get a lot of information about what Janus’ purpose is:

Roman: It you really don’t want to know something, he… can keep our mouths shut.

Logan: You don’t want to believe it.  That’s where his power comes from.  Things that you want to believe.  Things that you wish were true.  And things that you wish weren’t.

Deceit: What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

This all means that Orange Side is something that would cause C!Thomas distress to learn and something he subconsciously wishes weren’t true.  This is not new information to most of you: the spin-off interpretations of Apathy and Pride are widely popular fandom theories, traits that are typically viewed as negative in large doses.

But the Hidden Sides being seen as something negative isn’t their only defining characteristic.  They typically involve an aspect a mental health, involve societal expectations, and... what is it...

Janus is the umbrella over all the other Hidden Sides, sheltering and obscuring them from view. He is the gatekeeper in a very literal sense.  What is he gatekeeping?  

What is it?  What is it what is it, why?  What does he do?  What seems bad but isn’t?  What can he do?  What issue is actually useful?  What’s useful what’s useful WHATS USEFUL WHATS USEFUL?!  WHY DOES IT HAVE TO USEFUL?

shitshitSHITSHISTHISTSTs

I KEPT ASKING MYSELF, WHAT’S USEFUL?  WHAT TRAIT COULD IT BE THAT APPEARS BAD, BUT ISN’T BAD, IS ACTUALLY USEFUL.  ANIEXTY WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR US.  LYING WAS OKAY BECAUSE HE JUST WANTED TO PUT C!THOMAS FIRST.  INTRUSIVE CREATIVITY WAS OKAY BECAUSE DARK IDEAS OPEN UP NEW PATHS.

But the whole GODDAMN POINT is ACCEPTANCE!  

You don’t HAVE to be useful to be accepted.  You – yuo just BE.  YOU BE!

PEOPLE don’t have to prove their Usefulness to you before you can treat them with respect.  Our WORTH does not depend on what we PRODUCE. YE GODS, THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE I JUST BROKE-

~~~

C!Thomas comes back from his self-care stay-cation.  He’s ready to start production, he is rested and refreshed.  BUT JUST LIKE EVERY PREVIOUS DILEMMA, it isn’t Good enough, Original enough, Fast enough.  He’s done everything right, why is it still wrong?  He’s accepted his anxiety, he’s accepted that things aren’t just black and white, he’s Accepted That It’s OKAY to have Dark Thoughts, he Has ACCEPTED SELF_CARE.  Why Isn’t IT ENOUGH?!

“Fuck it.”  

C!Thomas spins in his chair, looking at a man that looks just like him, but not quite.

“What?”

“Fuck it.  Fuck them.”

“You sound like Remus,” Thomas jokes.  He’s lying, of course.  He’s nervous. The Side looks like a normal guy, but something about him is unsettling.  The unidentified Side just presses his lips together, unimpressed.

“Um, ef w-who, exactly?” Thomas asks, but part of him already knows.

“All of them.  Every person who isn’t you.  Every person who expects something from you.”

“Now, you sound like Janus.” Thomas looks back at the computer screen, but the Side’s retort has him spinning around again.  

“Janus is a short-sighted pseudo-rebellious minion of a capitalistic society, just like the rest of them.”

“Uh, excuse me?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? They’re all obsessed with Success. Whether they want to play by the rules, or manipulate them, or break them, whether it’s making money or pumping out good deeds, they’re still just trying to make you be successful within the framework of a system that prioritizes production over a human life.”

Thomas just stares for a moment before he can find his voice.

“Who are you?”

“Dude, seriously?”  He waves his hands, palms up and presenting himself.  “I’m Achilleus.  I’m your motivation.”

~~~

Take a deep breath and follow me down the research black hole, where every topic I looked up was more and more terrifyingly appropriate: 

Freedom

noun

the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.

Self-Determination

noun

the process by which a person controls their own life.

Autonomy

noun

(in Kantian moral philosophy) the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires.

Autonomic Nervous System (because i believe each Hidden Side is closer to the subconscious)

noun

the part of the nervous system responsible for control of the bodily functions not consciously directed, such as breathing, the heartbeat, and digestive processes.

Inherent Value

“inherent value in the case of animal ethics can be described as the value an animal possesses in its own right, as an end-in-itself” – Animal Rights – Inherent Value, by Saahil Papar

Intrinsic Value

“Intrinsic value has traditionally been thought to lie at the heart of ethics. Philosophers use a number of terms to refer to such value. The intrinsic value of something is said to be the value that that thing has “in itself,” or “for its own sake,” or “as such,” or “in its own right.”” – Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Value, by Michael J. Zimmerman and Ben Bradley

“Finally, his sense of respect for the intrinsic value of entities, including the non-sentient, is the Kantian notion of the inherent value of all Being.  This is based on the notion that a universe without moral evaluators (e.g. humans) would still be morally valuable, and there is no reason not to regard Being as inherently morally good.” – Technology and the Trajectory of Myth, by David Grant, Lyria Bennett Moses

Motivation

“Another way to conceptualize motivation is through Self-Determination Theory … which is concerned with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.  Intrinsic motivation happens when someone does something for its inherent satisfaction.” – Second Language Acquisition Myths: Applying Second Language Research to Classroom Teaching, by Steven Brown, Jenifer Larson-Hall

Capitalism

“The flowery language of the United States Declaration of Independence would have you believe that human life has an inherent value, one that includes inalienable rights such as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” But in America, a major indicator of value is actually placed on being a productive member of society, which typically means working a job that creates monetary revenue (especially if the end result is accumulated wealth and suffering was inherently involved in the process).” – The Diminished Value of Human Life in a Capitalistic Society, by Seren Sensei

Religion

“At the heart of the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism lay the insurmountable chasm between God’s sovereign election versus human self-determination.” – Sovereignty vs. Self-determination: Two Versions of Ephesians 1:3-14, by Reformed Theology

Mythology

“In Classical Greece, Achilles was widely admired as a paragon of male excellence and virtue. Later, during the height of the Roman Empire, his name became synonymous with uncontrollable rage and barbarism… He chooses kleos (glory) over life itself, and he owes his heroic identity to this kleos. He achieves the major goal of the hero: to have his identity put permanently on record through kleos…

“But is this really an accurate characterization of Achilles' pivotal decision? Is he really driven to sacrifice his life by an obsessive quest for honor and glory? One scene in the Iliad suggests the answer to both questions is no.

“When Achilles leaves the battlefield after his dispute with Agamemnon, the Trojans gain the upper hand on the Greeks. Desperate to convince their best warrior to return, Agamemnon sends an envoy of Achilles' closest friends to his tent to persuade him to reconsider his decision. During this scene, Achilles calmly informs his friends that he is no longer interested in giving up his life for the sake of heroic ideals. His exact words are below:

“The same honor waits for the coward and the brave. They both go down to Death, the fighter who shirks, the one who works to exhaustion (IX 386-388)…

“Not only does Achilles reject the envoy's offers of material reward, but he rejects the entire premise that glory is worth a man's life.” – making sense of a hero’s motivation, by Patrick Garvey

Achilles (/əˈkɪliːz/ ə-KIL-eez) or Achilleus (Ancient Greek: Ἀχιλλεύς, [a.kʰilˈleu̯s])

Achilles realizes his own inherent self-worth, thereby freeing himself from the expectations of others; societal or otherwise.  Only once we are free can we find the balance between our own needs and the needs of others in a way that breeds neither anger nor resentment in either.

~~~

But that’s... that’s just... a theory.   Huh.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 032: Round 1 Brackets

Previously on BnHA: Shouto told Deku about his tragic past of being abused by his shitty parents. Unbeknownst to them, Kacchan was secretly listening in. Shouto basically figured out that All Might is Deku’s dad, but let it slide. Deku declared war on Shouto, but this being a shounen manga, it actually just means they’re friends for life now. Endeavor was cancelled. Mineta was cancelled, again. The final event of the festival was announced, and it’s a good old-fashioned tournament bracket, so I am loving life right now.

Today on BnHA: Ojiro and another dude drop out of the tournament due to having been mind-controlled by Shinsou in the previous round. The round one matchups are announced. Deku finds himself facing off with Shinsou right off the bat. Ojiro warns Deku not to do anything stupid and get himself mind-controlled. The match begins. Deku immediately does something stupid and gets himself mind-controlled.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 68 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

I should be in bed but here I am!! come to see who’s paired up against whom for round one of the tournament!

Ojiro, I think I’ve been misspelling your name as “Ojuro” on several occasions. good thing I don’t think I’ve posted any of those recaps yet lol

(ETA: I had indeed misspelled it, and I went back and changed them all, so basically I almost got away with it, and now here I am calling my own self out. smh)

look at Ojiro and his solid beefy tail

there’s not really much to this guy so far

I can’t believe he made it to the third event honestly

he has problems with sitting. sucks, my friend

on to the chapter!

...am I to understand that we were this close to having everyone fight each other with foam swords, then?

I can’t fucking believe all we got was a stupid tournament

THE MATCHES WILL BE DECIDED BY ~RANDOM LOTS~ ONCE AGAIN

all I know is that Shouto will make it to the finals and fight either Kacchan or Deku, probably Deku

disclaimer: I don’t actually know, I’m just running my mouth

do we really have to sit through some other random activity before the main event

OH!!! TWIST!!!

Ojiro is dropping out?? why

GASP

he says he doesn’t remember anything about the cavalry battle at all. fucking knew it. MIND CONTROL

so he feels like he didn’t earn his place

in reality his quirk is just too boring to make for an interesting one-on-one fight. he’s better suited to background action. no offense Ojiro, I’m just being 100% real here, son

the girls are trying to convince him to stick around, but he says it’s a matter of pride. eh, if it were me I’d stay in the game and try to get back at the mind control guy during the tournament, but eh. he seems kind of shaken up, honestly, so maybe this is better for him in the end.

aww. Ojiro. looks like you need a hug, buddy. why does everyone in this fucking arc need a hug

just to keep things even, this little roly poly from class B is withdrawing too

godspeed, little man

Midnight’s like, eh whatever

doesn’t this fuck up the brackets, though? now they have 7 and 7. does someone get a bye in round one then? I guess they can determine that with the random lots too. hopefully whoever gets the byes won’t suddenly get all noble like these two idiots

oh, we’re not going to do byes but we’re going to replace the two that didn’t make it

YEAH GIVE IT TO STEEL RYOHEI AND POISON IVY

WOOHOO. SORRY OJIRO BUT THIS IS MUCH BETTER

TIME TO SCAN THE BRACKETS TO FIND MY SONS

BAKUGOU’S FIGHTING OCHAKO??? NOOOOOOOOOO

fuck this means one of my favorites will be eliminated right off the bat

lmao Kiri and Tetsu got matched up right from the get go

damn, Momo has to go up against Tokoyami. that one’s gonna be good

no idea who Aoyama is fighting

(ETA: lmao it was Mina. for some reason I hadn’t processed her last name)

Iida’s going up against Mei. good luck Iida

Kami vs Shiozaki... I think that must be the Poison Ivy chick? interesting

Todoroki vs Sero... nice knowing you Sero

and lastly... DEKU VS MIND CONTROL MAN

oh my god. can we, uh. just skip ahead to that one. !!!!!

also, Deku and Todoroki out here fucking up my predictions right from the start. the two of you had to be in the same bracket half. just had to be

wonder who’ll end up winning it all and facing off against my girl Ochako :’D

lol I can dream

this guy has “future villain” written all over him tbh

(ETA: I should just stop assuming that new characters are going to be villains. I don’t think I’ve been right about a single one yet.)

I assume the only reason he didn’t make it into the hero course is because he couldn’t use his mind control against the robots. sure, he could have possessed his fellow examinees instead, but they probably would have retained any points that they “earned” under his control

I wonder if the bags under his eyes are just a character design thing or if they actually reflect something about his character/personality/quirk. like is he an insomniac or something

he must have to do something in order to control people, right? maybe don’t let him touch you at any point, Deku

Ojiro’s warning him not to talk to him. I wonder if it’s less mind control and more hypnosis, in which case maybe if Deku blocks his ears or something... idk

lmao Bakugou literally has no idea who he’s fighting

Ochako knows though, oh damn

I believe in you!!  but be careful though orz

“are you Iida?” “indeed I am Iida.” take it easy on this middle aged bloke, okay Mei

oh good, we’re skipping all of this

hopefully even the anime will skip it, since BnHA doesn’t seem to believe in fillers and time-wasting!

LOOK AT IIDA CHUG THAT OJ

GET THAT VITAMIN C BOI

also Ojiro appears to be talking to Deku, and Deku looks like he’s mildly freaking out. is he freaking out because OH NO TOURNAMENT, or because Ojiro is telling him what Shinsou can do? given how well he’s managed with the first two events, I’m guessing it’s the latter, or else he wouldn’t be looking so disturbed

okay I actually do like this picture of the girls cheerleading though

just because Hagakure, Mina, and Ochako look really into it, and Momo and Jirou are just like, blargh. and Tsuyu is an enigma to me

TOURNAMENT TIME

Cementoss is building the ring for them all!

wow it looks really good

I wouldn’t quite say they’ve been through “hell”... actually it was a lot less hellish than I thought it would be

is Deku in the first round? I guess they go from left to right

ALL MIGHT CAME TO GIVE HIM A PEP TALK YAAAAAY

he’s giving Deku a thumbs up and says he’s finally getting the hang of One for All

Deku says he still has trouble controlling it and it makes him nervous, like one false step could still fuck him up

well good. narratively, I like this level of control. it keeps each move risky, but also doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll end up incapacitated at the drop of a hat

wow. All Might says that right now Deku can only handle 5 percent of One for All’s true power

you know we’re getting into some real shounen shit when we start talking about power percentages

Deku says he’s just gotten lucky with everything so far, and All Might’s response may just be his most dadlike behavior yet

I love it. the awkward pat on the back (head? shoulder?). the affectionate nickname. and the genuine compliment, because you know All Might admires the shit out of Deku’s hard work ethic

and he’s telling him to smile, especially when he’s feeling nervous or scared. because you’re a big damn hero, Deku! you got this my man!

here we goooooo

not even Present Mic the mighty chatterbox can think of anything to say about Shinsou. bang-up observation about Izuku’s weird face, though

so now the question is, does Deku know about Shinsou’s quirk or not?

typical tournament rules: knock your opponent out of the ring, immobilize them, or make them cry uncle

yikes, they’ve got Recovery Girl on standby for this one. well at least they’re taking things seriously. but that means shit’s about to get lit the fuck up

“fight dirty if you must” how fucking heroic. I guess that’s the part where they test everyone’s willingness to get into the nitty-gritty huh

although they do say that going for the kill is frowned upon, and Cementoss will supposedly stop you (uh huh. just like All Might was going to “stop” Bakugou in chapters 9 and 10, I assume)

oh shit. this means Shinsou can win just by making Deku say that he quits... I think that’s what this is hinting at:

(ETA: I actually don’t know why he didn’t just have Deku say “I give up” rather than making him walk out of the ring. maybe he can’t control speech? but at any rate, on my reread I realized just how sneaky Shinsou is being here by trying to get Deku to answer him before the match has even started.)

Deku he called poor Ojiro a monkey. punch him in the face please

Deku’s making a face at that

and he’s charging in!!

-- uh oh

WHAT’S FUCKING HAPPENING DAMMIT

and Ojiro’s saying that he warned him

shit. Deku looks like he’s completely under his control already

aaaaaand the chapter ends

well shit

BONUS:

this girl looks exactly like Matsuoka Gou from Free!. it’s fucking uncanny

like I seriously want to get a picture and compare them side by side

you know what, never mind though, because while I was combing through google image search for a good pic, I kept getting distracted by pictures of Rin. why is he so pretty

what the hell was I doing again

oh yeah

anyways so Kendou here is apparently the class representative from class B. good for you girl. I wonder what her quirk is

there’s not much else to her aside from her being a motorcycle-loving coffee-drinking class rep who looks like Gou lol

but I hope we’ll get to see more of her