#but mostly its just that i need to not have such a full workload just to have the privilege to live hahahahha

[fukashiin]

high school sweethearts au

— w. riddle, ace, leona, jack, octatrio (collectively), jamil, vil, rook, silver, malleus

⤷ oh dear diary, i met a boy, he made my dull heart light up with joy.

a/n: a valentine's day special!! i enjoyed writing this sm<33

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS AS

⤷ THE STUDENT LIBRARIAN !

- the student who volunteered for library duties when no one else would. he mostly works behind the counter with his eyes glued to the screen of his computer—looking for the names of those who had overdue books to return. an esteemed honour student at the same time, the envious mixture of methodical and dutiful that makes the role of a student librarian fit him like a glove.

- he mostly reads at his own pace—a fascinating volume of historical topics covered through the years. rusted evidence that he likes to give his own insights on at the tip of his fingers. sometimes people catch him wondering a bit too far, as his eyes stray off to certain page for way too long.

- despite his free time, he still takes care of his own duties that needs to be carried out, from arranging books back to their rightful shelves, tidying up used tables of its multi-coloured eraser shavings and lost pencils that he hands up to the lost-and-found.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- you often stop by the library for self-revision, a thick stack of textbooks that sit pretty at the side of your table as you have your own necessities. you don’t have much to do after this particular study session, so you plan to head back to your own dorm after reliving your memory of the chapters the teachers have went through with you in class today.

- strangely, unknowingly—the table you sit at is always empty. always reserved for a certain someone. that’s when your relationship with riddle started to bloom.

- any time he spots you at the corner of his eye once you enter the air-conditioned space, he throws a small smile your way and elegantly places the book he was reading down to stroll to your side to help you carry your bag that you were sure was about to dislocate your shoulder. 

- he sits by your side whenever you needed help, some topics just simply played a baffling game of chess with your head that you dread to the core. but he’s more than happy to help one way or another. either to point out to you specific key words, gently grabbing the highlighter out of your grasp, initiating eye contact with you with the textbook closed to help you memorise important points for so long the rate of his heartbeat starts to speed up—

- the air between you two really alleviates your burden and the packed schedule you have to attend to on a daily basis. with school is a bucket of workload that’s dumped onto you. with riddle, is a soft feeling. you don’t have to worry about your planned itineraries for the day and you can be yourself for a while.

he’s full comfort, a swift reminder of those drizzly cinnabuns you two go for a bite for when classes are over for the day. 

- it’s no surprise he has his plate full with library duties either. so to pay him back, you offer him to head for a bookstore somewhere outside the campus, assuring him that you’ll deal with things when his mom intervenes for his “unthinkable” behaviour. in return, he’ll purchase as many books for you as want. hard covers, too.

ACE TRAPPOLA AS

⤷ THE PLAYER ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM !

- it’s as in-character as you think it is. you’ve lost count of the number of times he’s pointed a conspicuous finger at you when you’re sitting on the bleachers, yelling out your name and promising he’ll score a shot for you! much to his disappointment (and surprise, for some reason), the ball just bounces right off the hoop and crashes into another player on the team.

- the indoor sports hall is a huge advantage for him since it lets him connect his phone to the bluetooth speakers, letting him blast out his music of choice that consists of endless tracks from nba youngboy and eminem when the coaches were absent and the company could carry on with free training. 

- his classmates adore him, but the teachers hold their breath in at the thought of having him in their class. a truly slothful student to some extent—but is able to ace every test given out. higher authorities wanted to believe their eyes were playing a trick on them when they take a glance at his report card that contained a full, gleaming row of straight A’s.

- cheeky at heart and playfully flirts with whoever he wants just for the fun of it, not to get their contact number just to ghost them later on like he did with a past lover. he’s learned his mistake and he’s willing to do better, both academically and athletically. but he supposes he could get used to the popularity for a while.

YOUR DYNAMIC 

- resists the urge to dropkick his teammates whenever they send out mischievous whistles his direction when they see you with him. he’s just asking for your notes! nothing else in mind like scrawling his phone number down on some lined-paper and slipping it into the back of your notebook in hopes that you notice and send out a few messages to him when you’re back at your place (and develop into something more...?)

- the type of person who didn’t believe in young love at first before he met you. now, you two make small trips to the school cafeteria to purchase your favourite smoothies when practise was stopped to a 5 minute break. smoothly sweet talks his way out of paying—but doesn’t see your kindness to be taken control over. In return, he tells you the answers for the upcoming test he was able to get his hands on, whether you’re going to use them or not.

- denies (anticipated) accusations that you and him were together in an “uncool” manner, according to him. it’s even worse when you’re present, there to see his face burst in pink and his speedy mannerisms, like telling you to “ignore them!” or shoving you into the nearest locker so his friends don’t catch a glimpse of you.

- sometimes his eyes stay on your face for way too long the atmosphere starts to contort into a weird, one-sided stare-off when it’s supposed to be your one-on-one study session with him. you take notice that he’s not looking at the tip of your pen that’s pointing to a specific part of his notes and threaten to poke his eyes out if he doesn’t focus. you could only giggle internally when he fumbles about and retracts his stare from your face.

- questions you if you’ve been in any past relationships, only to reject hearing your answer when he’s too afraid that he may be outshone in some way.

- but you reassure him that you haven’t, and you’re more than happy to enter into one with him. with that, you see him gleefully punch a fist into the air once he’s off on his way to tell his teammates about it, too in his thoughts that he forgets about the teasing he’s about to be bombarded with afterwards.

LEONA KINGSCHOLAR AS 

⤷ THE CLASS SLACKER !

- similar to his junior ace in some ways. petty, bored, but effortlessly gets the highest grade in the class. it’s no surprise that even the overachiever who sits behind him and sees his big, outstanding ‘100′ penned in red at the corner of his paper that easily outdoes their imperfect ‘98′, has to keep their tongue in to ward off the nasty feeling of shooting the rudest vulgarities out of their mouth.

- lessons in session automatically translates to “do whatever you want for the period”—no matter the subject he takes. he often gets caught folding paper origamis or writing down the most prankish notes just to crumble it up and toss it the teacher’s way.

hands a little too skillful has him crafting numberless spitballs that he uses as imaginary missiles to shoot into random people’s hair. the preppy boys can wave a sad goodbye to hair day when leona appears with a handmade launcher in the hallway.

- though with such a behaviour, leona somehow seems to make himself appear approachable from his short-formed responses and dismissive nods. but could anyone have ever guessed that he would act so mind-blowingly different with someone else?

YOUR DYNAMIC

-  if he ever catches your mood down in the dumps, he insists you to come with him to the cat cafe that holds many cuddly creatures to help aid the minds of those tireless students piled with projects to complete with mind-boggling deadlines. either he enjoys getting swarmed by the adorable army of kitties himself, or looks at you with the softest eyes thinking about how you strangely resemble them as you get lost in distant laughter when one of them decide to curl up in your lap.

- sneakily shares his stash of snacks that he managed to shove into his bag at the back of the class when the two of you were luckily placed together during seat arranging. each low-key pass of a sweet was complimented by his deep chuckle as he feels rewarded by the numerous suspicious stares that fly by both of your ways.

- nonchalantly terrifies any cheap intimidators when he catches you getting cornered. you wonder if his initial plan backfired and that he actually made them fall in love with him with his unfairly gorgeous face? (you don’t blame them)

- growls at whoever takes the chance to wake him up from his day-to-day naps, rolling his eyes at their dumbassery when it’s a whole different story when it comes to you. when you do it (with panicked warnings you got beforehand), leona takes a while to get familiar with the touch of your skin and swishes his tail from side to side when he recognises your oh-so sweet scent he cherishes to the moon and back. 

raises an eyebrow at you for being so brave to take the opportunity to wake him up, promising he’ll pay you back tenfold when in fact, he really, really hopes he can grow much more affectionate with you when time passes, until skin contact becomes a normal thing between the two of you.

JACK HOWL AS 

⤷ THE (ACTUALLY SMART) JOCK !

- people genuinely wonder in disbelief why he’s so taken aback by the number of students who swoon over him when they see him doing his daily sets of warm-ups in the gym by himself. his ear twitches in the slightest when he feels four—five, pairs of eyes burning right into his back.

- he’s a lone wolf to some extent- but that doesn’t mean he’ll drive away his friends who thrive to stretch right beside him, despite being a literal twig compared to jack. they’ll all do tons of sets together while emitting the roughest groans from their aching bodies until sweat is seeping ceaselessly out of their outfits.

unsurprisingly, jack is still up and full of stamina as he silently praises himself for not being as slow-minded as his friends since he changed into his p.e attire ahead of time. +10 health gained back for him.

- the coaches normally pick him out as the representative when international competitions are around the corner. with him representing the school, there’s definitely going to be headlines and news reports made about them! except when he actually wins it isn’t. people are seen firing bountiful praises online at jack for his athleticism for a 16 year old, in awe at how he always manages to place first.

- is more than happy to help anyone out when activities take a wrong turn and result in them being injured. whether if it’s being in a wheelchair or in crutches, he takes the opportunity to bring them to their destination on time.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- his eyes immediately dart to you when the teacher announces for everyone to form a pair for pre-activity stretching. he takes the lead to call out what set of stretches to do and helps to adjust your posture or the angle of wherever your arm is pointing to. his firm hands coming in contact with your body invites a quick rush of blood to your cheeks, startled with the sudden proximity that came about. it doesn’t help the fact that his steady breath is on your skin, unaware of his swift movements that he didn’t bat an eye to (why is he like this?)

- when all the physical stuff is done for the day, he’ll give you a small nudge on the shoulder and tell you he’s going to get some water. what took you aback was when you thought he was getting it for himself—being as hardworking as he is, it only makes sense to reward himself for putting up with you and your incapability with some activities.

 - but instead, he brings back two bottles of water, briskly handing one over to you before he open his. he makes sure to assure you that you weren’t a problem at all, and that you deserve a restful break after all your physical exertion.

- not just crazy athletic but simultaneously smart as well! but when his classmates ask for his homework answers in dire need to not be caught by the teacher, he hits them with a “you should’ve done it at home” and gets up from his seat to hand in his work. you don’t know whether to laugh or feel bad for that person. the student then gawks at both you and jack when he lets you in on his answers instead.

- even when he has an enormous fanbase full of people who adore him and wish to talk to him more just for the sake of it, he always makes sure to come to you first, to check in on your health, both mentally and physically, to know that you’re healthy and ready for the day. 

OCTATRIO AS 

⤷ THE POPULAR GROUP !

- as the owners of a lounge that’s quite far from school grounds with quality dishes you’ll never find anywhere else and their dashing looks that shoot an arrow right through people’s lovestruck hearts, it’s no wonder that their popularity skyrockets through the roof when you found out that they go here. you’ve seen a few of the posts they share on magicam—and they’re the perfect definition of young, beautiful, and dirty rich.

- people would kill to watch them pass by in the hallways of the very school they’re in. this trio, with their alluring cologne and clad in neat, tidy clothing that doesn’t even necessarily have to be of the latest trends but still making them look amazing—ambling in the bustling halls? suddenly, lessons were called off for the day and there’s no homework due the day after. the trio quietly snicker to each other in the process.

- there’s definitely a fangroup about them. all they could be doing was to order lunch at the school cafeteria, and the group chat students made based on them would turn wild when floyd faces back to give a sly “cheese~” at the camera that was facing his way.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- unfairly spoils you to death as they give you special discounts at the lounge, telling you that it doesn’t matter whatever you order, their vip customer is always getting 10% off the price. if that’s too low—azul’s more than willing to give you a better benefit. proceeding your easy-earned discounts, jade suggests that they carefully plan out a drink based off of you and your personality, questionable intentions in mind as he proposes the idea to make it the most expensive drink on the menu too.

- absolutely loves to have you sit at their table during break, letting you in on their latest gossip. the amount of intel that they collected on their recent “customer” that created a scene at the lounge for not being open when it clearly had its working hours placed at the entry is rather concerning. floyd gives a shameless wink your way and tells you to not reveal this treasured piece of information. (gaslight gatekeep girlboss)

- weekend sleepovers at their place consists of them researching the finest ingredients and dishes to add to the menu and them serving up some steaming platter for you to try your taste buds on to give some feedback on it.  well, including a small competition to win your heart over as well.

- people are flabbergasted at the amount of attention you receive from these three. “jealous” wasn’t a word too far off to describe their feelings either, and it wasn’t any better. you’d sometimes wonder whether it was a good idea to become friends with this particular trio.

but you can rest assured that they’ll handle with any bad outcomes that dares to come about, and if it’s regarding their large fanbase—they have just the solution. nobody would say no to rushing to the lounge and being up to date with the latest release of their newest dish that you so nicely tried out for them.

- even as the three of them secretly try their best to win your heart over, they’ll also make sure to check with your boundaries and query you if they ever pass the line of comfort. if that so happens anytime, they’ll apologise by doing whatever you want free of charge! they dote on you a whole ton, and truthfully, relish in the time they get to spend with you.

JAMIL VIPER AS

⤷ THE SKATER BOY !

- the student who’s effortlessly charismatic because of his chill and dismissive attitude. the teachers are either pulling their hair out because of him or praising him for being early to class as they spot him waiting outside with him and his rusty ipod he just found that’s been collecting dust in his storage room. he vaguely remembers it as a gift given by a loved one, hence, why he keeps it safe wherever he goes.

- comes to class ROCKING those white vans like okay??? i see you???

- concerning him and school as a whole—it’s just as if he slithers right by his classmates’ attention like how a snake slithers through grass. he’s awfully sly and nimble, skipping class just to head out to the skate park that’s spray painted in graffiti all over by some infamous artists. he personally doesn’t care—it just adds to his presence of mind and how much fun he’s going to have. self-skating sessions are a fresh breather for him, indifferent to his number of absences.

- and don’t forget the secret rush of ego he gets when people stop and stare to watch him do his challenging tricks over the ramps and metal railings. it’s mesmerising how his hair flows so prettily in the wind and the golden glow of the sunset that highlights his features, like, how some people dramatise, an angel fallen from the blinding heavens. jamil rolls his eyes behind their backs once he’s finished his set of tricks.

YOUR DYNAMIC 

- honestly didn’t think of you much when you two first met, but now his heart, baggy clothes, and skateboard are all yours.

- when you spot him alone in the corner of the classroom when it’s a free period, a smile inevitably creeps up his face and he gives a relaxed wave as you come up and say hi to him. you’ve always been rather interested in his music taste and what was playing on those ipods of his, so when you do make it noticeable to him, he takes out the left side of his earphones and places it in your ear for you, fingers brushing the shell of your ears. you hope he didn’t feel how boiling-hot it was.

- daily stop-bys at the vending machine to talk about hot shit. you both agreed to pay for the drinks for the other on some days and do the same back. he finds such a leisure time so precious and, as much as he’s having double thoughts about it, he’d very rather much spend his alone time with you than in a class filled with students. especially when the class clown is present. eugh.

- he’s memorised your go-to drinks by now, and whenever you’re absent from school, he makes an effort to walk to your place to tend to you and hand over your favourite beverage once you’re up and better than ever.

- texts you in the dead of the night, asking if you’d want to head over to the skate park with him there to teach you some tricks he’s learnt on his own accord. agreeing was probably the best thing you’ve done all day, with the built-up pressure you get to release on your time with him as he helps you get rid of your muscle strains. he holds your body close, keeping you balanced on his skateboard as the late night breeze whisks through your clothes and the luminous shine that comes from the stars above makes him feel grateful for being here, with you. alone and together with no one to interfere.

VIL SCHOENHEIT AS

⤷ THE SCHOOL TRENDSETTER !

- as you may have guessed, the student who has the largest following in the entire student body. to help maintain his public image—he makes sure to arrive to school glammed up, with smooth and silky hair he applied the perfect fragrance of rosemary oil on to and his latest combination of outfits that’s bound to go viral both on magicam and in the school. he makes it a habit to bring along his miniature makeup pouch with him wherever he goes!

- instantly gets a whopping 100 views on his latest story he posted on his account about the most recent addition to the school cafeteria’s menu. he’s hyper-aware of his calorie intake, so he probably criticises it in the caption. “0/10. doesn’t make my ass fatter than it is now”

- sometimes has to leave mid-class to attend his monthly photoshoot session. there’s no doubt he’d be starting to pack his things during class and his classmates would already have an idea on where he’s about to go. the close circle of his friend group promises to notify him about the homework that’s going to be due soon, and he makes sure to blend them an incredibly tasteful smoothie he heard about not too long ago in thanks.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- it just had to be one of those days where you’re at your worst. vil can tell as much from your gloomy behaviour and sloppy appearance that does your figure no favours. though he lets out a disapproving click of the tongue, he places his hand on your shoulder, reassuring you that whatever you’re going through will come and go. 

- and, he hands out this one-of-a-kind opportunity to even purchase whatever apparel from the hottest brands that’s to your liking for you. who could ever ask for a better offer?

- if things are still dour, he lets you stay in his room for the night. the type of supportive friend (he hopes not for long?) to give you reassuring affirmations that whoever broke your heart doesn’t deserve you (and he does). he wants you to know that you’re ethereal just the way you are, and you shouldn’t downgrade yourself just because of somebody or something you can pass by. there’s some vinyls he keeps at a shelf at the side of his room,

if you want to play a song of your choice on the record player, he’s more than delighted to let you.

- when annual prom nights are going to take place a few days away, vil rings up his model agency to call upon another fashionista to help out with your outfit for the stirring night you can’t sit still for. converses with the right person they picked out and makes decisions set in stone, with the exact measurements that compliment your figure along with a flawless colour.

he takes the chance to do your makeup for you, and you can’t tell whether it’s because he’s taken familiarity with your visage or to just get his face closer to yours just to fluster you. you’ve taken a wild guess that it’s both.

- once prom is over and the crowd starts to clear out, vil books a cab back to his place so you two can have your well-deserved baths for as long as you want, accompanied by his endless supply of skincare products. he loves seeing you grow and blossom into a better person. he’ll make sure to do it alongside you, until he actually claims your heart.

ROOK HUNT AS

⤷ THE THEATRE KID !

- a cheerful soul who skips through the halls while humming a tune from one of the latest musicals he watched. his seemingly never-ending glee that lights the hallways up in an eye-blinding radiance is beyond people’s comprehension. rook, frankly, doesn’t mind the stares he gathers from such a spaced-out area, as long as he does his other theatre friends good in promoting the drama club.

- people mostly catch him hanging around in the auditorium, sitting with the other club members as they take out their practise on vocalisation and in depth emotion building. newcomers of the club deeply look up to him, as the most passionate member of the club where all the roles he’s taken on has made his heart soar above the clouds.

- one of the volunteers who helped in producing the script for the upcoming play the club is putting together. he advances in dramatising the scripts if they’re too flat in tone or feeling, even adding the most unnecessary dialogues of french, which the majority of the cast doesn’t even know a lick of. though, he makes a vow to them to teach it until they’re all absolutely wasted to the point where practise wouldn’t even be going anywhere.

- works hand in hand with vil behind the stage, who helps to sew up suitable costumes and applying the makeup for the cast in the makeover studio.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- it’s utterly embarrassing—but he vocalises ALL his poems and thoughts about you that he recited back at his place to prepare for the public audience. by audience, I mean everyone at the cafeteria.

he sings all of the praises he’s been holding in since the day he made mere eye contact with you while standing on an occupied table, most likely taken by the misfits. he sees it as his own individual stage and seizes the opportunity in his hands. you’re dying to go hide in the nearest restroom.

- encourages you to audition for the latest play his club is planning, (secretly) wanting you to take up the role that jointly has a special form of relationship with his! he gives an overly joyful “that’s up to the judges!” when you ask him who would be playing the other role. how many times has he made you uneasy again? (you don’t want to admit that you do enjoy being with him.)

- he’ll make sure to schedule a period off to help you practise and perfect the script that was chosen for you in the empty auditorium. he eagerly savours the time he gets to hear you, your beautiful voice, out loud, like never ending music to his ears.

- aside from the dorms, he lives in a multimillion neighbourhood, and he would be ecstatic to bring you over to his place anytime. you’re slack-jawed the second you enter his home, a wealthy interior designed by specially chosen professionals just for his house. he drags you by the wrist to watch the latest musical that was released in the theater that his family chose to install.

- so—the set of people who were chosen for the roles are out? you’re glad, but rook is a leaping ball of sunshine when he takes a glance at the name list (as if he didn’t play a part in convincing the judges one way or another). he genuinely cannot wait to see you shining so brightly on stage, as he prepares a divine bouquet of roses he’s planning to give you once it’s all over to congratulate you for all the untiring effort you’ve put into this play.

SILVER AS

⤷ THE FLOATER !

- luckily for him, he wasn’t the type of student who garnered much attention after being transferred to the school. he’s received some greetings by those who actually mean it, but all in all is content with where he’s placed in for now.

- being a regular loner has him sitting outside on the unoccupied bench for him to eat his lunch. a simple but memorable ham and cheese sandwich which he remembers getting spoiled with from his caretaker since early childhood. he holds everything they do immensely close to his heart, thankful for having the utmost kindest person in the world to look after him. he’ll make sure to pay back for everything he’s indebted to when he’s older.

- with restless desires to grow familiar with the school grounds, he takes a small walk to the library and school store to send a salutation to riddle, the boy who’s in the same year as him and the shop’s very own Mr. S, a guy who’s devoted a ton of his life to this shop. silver thinks about how there’s so many sentimental people who wander this school, a little of the opposite of his stone-faced persona.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- he’ll admit, he was slightly taken aback when you fearlessly took a seat next to him on the bench when he wasn't on guard. he jumps a little, thinking there was a nearby predator who was ready to pounce on him any second. but no—it was another regular student who roams the school halls like any other. he’s never seen you before despite being the one who joined the school later—in fact, he’s never really been with a familiar face other than sebek.

- but you just smile and giggle at him when you notice his lost nature. ah, he felt a flare of life ignite in him with such unforeseen kindness being thrown at him. there’s no doubt he's going to be the slightest bit wary of you, but you take his uninterested course of actions as a yes and stay by him for the rest of the period. 

- you don’t make voice the fact that it was you who carefully placed the bundle of flowers on his head when he fell asleep on the arm rest.

- after a few months of hushed whispers and note-sharing in the middle of class, he presents the idea for the both of you to own your own personal diary to journal your daily happenings. a secret note-taker, between two hearts that flicker with a hint of trust for the other.

you both enjoy reading what the other has written for the day, and silver hopes that he’ll be able to point out the tiniest bit of a confession you could’ve possibly written down somewhere for him, as much as how insensitive he is.

- while classes are out and people start to take their leave, you and silver are to stay back to dutifully complete your classroom cleaning before the next day of lessons. who knew such a mere task could put the both of you in a difficult situation? you both reach your hand out to grab the duster to wipe the board, only for your fingers to graze each other as a spark of electricity courses through your bodies, feeling warmer than ever.

- when you’re finally done, it coincidentally starts pouring out of the blue. with the both of you standing at the school entrance, silver strips off his cardigan and uses it to shelter you, holding your figure close as the both of you run in the rain like your lives depend on it. he wishes you didn’t have to arrive at a gazebo so soon, he still wanted to see you, in his clothes for as long as he wanted.

MALLEUS DRACONIA AS

⤷ THE (NOT SO) SECRET ADMIRER !

- often gets recognised for his godly visuals, though he doesn’t pay much mind to them? yes, he makes an effort to keep himself presentable as a wielder of royal blood, but he doesn't see all the craze over his face. his aloofness only makes people swoon over him even more.

- he’s rather quiet in these busy halls. he charmingly excuses the person who accidentally bumped into him head-first, proceeding with his walk until he arrives and stops in front of one particular locker. onlookers goggle absently, thinking about what he’s doing in front of another person’s locker? his is way further away than where he is, so what..?

- malleus sighs in contempt when the bell indicating the next lesson’s beginning rings.

- class is dismissed for lunch and stays glued to his seat as he pulls out an ancient history book to pick up where he left on. his table is uncluttered, and he places the well-researched tome on his desk as he starts reading through its contents once again. nobody is aware of his hidden yearning for a specific person to come running by, catching him in their view through the window, saying the most, honey-sweet “hello!” anyone could ever dream of.

YOUR DYNAMIC

- it’s not much of a secret admirer at this point, when it’s so glaringly obvious who it is. as if he was starring in a Hollywood film, glances at all directions in his way to make sure no one was present to disrupt this long-awaited momentum. once again, he stops by at your locker to open it and set down the letter, inside. one that was signed off with his initials as he positions an aromal rose just beside it.

- with the help of his relatives who are comfortable with internet devices—he’s able to search up the latest trends of deserts and lattes from the nearest coffee shop that’s located somewhere near. he’ll ask you if you’d like to journey with him into the city to a particular eatery that grasped his fancy, he assures you that he has the money, and he made sure to reserve a seat on the balcony as well.

- daily alone time with him in the music room as he gracefully plays the violin for you that only makes you swerve his lane even more. with the doors shut and the curtains closed—not fully as to block the outside light—the most euphonious tunes fill the dim lit room as pure gold spill over the strings. an individual performance he dedicated all and just for you.

- when the end of the school year is near, he readies himself to confess to you with all his body and soul. he takes it upon himself to call up a meeting with you outside of school in the evening, just when the glorious sun starts to set.

he talks his promise, rubbing your deathly cold hands in his, and voices his words of honour to make you the most fortunate person alive to be with him. who could ever ask for a better confession?

[something-tofightfor]

Competing For Christmas 2: Oh, Christmas Tree

Pairing: Modern Din Djarin x Female Reader

Word Count: 9,650

Rating: T/M: There’s some language. That’s about it - aside from Din being absolutely charming, which requires a warning on its own.

Summary: It’s getting closer to the beginning of the competition, but there’s an opportunity to squeeze an “early” hangout with Din in ... is he up for it, too? 

Author’s notes:

Thank you SO MUCH for the response to part 1. I love this story - and I’m so damn glad you all seem to, too. I appreciate every message and comment and set of tags - please keep them coming! 

Questions, concerns, comments? My inbox is open! You should all know the drill by now.

To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares​ and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)

Mando’a translations at the end!

Masterlist  / Part 1

By 2 pm on Wednesday, you were counting down the seconds until you could clock out for the long weekend. Even though you’d cleared a lot of your workload throughout the week, it seemed like every one of your clients was having some sort of emergency that desperately needed attention before the end of the day, and you were done. 

You’d splurged on an iced coffee after lunch for an extra boost, having it delivered instead of going down to the cafeteria for one of the basic ones, and even though it was down to mostly half-melted ice cubes, it had distracted you some. “But not enough.” 

Lowering your head onto your folded arms, you groaned as another new email came in, the little red flag next to it most likely unwarranted. “You, uh, doing alright in here?” 

The sound of Din’s voice made you raise your head, spinning in your chair so that you could look at the doorway - and him. “Din? What are you -”

“I’m on my way back to my office. Just finished reinstalling the VPN on that new guy’s computer.” He paused, shifting his weight to the other foot, one hip jutting out. “Something Vanth? I don’t know his first name, all that was on the work order was the initial.” Din paused for long enough to look past you at the computer screen, and you saw him wince at the sight of your open email client. “Looks like you’ve got a full inbox.” 

“I do. I’m halfway tempted to unplug the power cord and then not reach out to my IT guy until ten minutes before the day’s over.” He laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he stepped fully into your office. 

“You could just do what the one lady in sales did last week.” He moved closer, spinning your chair again so you were facing your desk before leaning over your shoulder and pointing at one of the buttons on your laptop’s keyboard. “Just press that button and turn off your trackpad. There’s no light that goes off or anything, so it’s impossible to know what changed without someone taking a thorough look at it.” 

His proximity stunned you. Not only was his physical presence imposing - the man’s weight leaning against the back of your chair, along with the underside of his arm brushing against your shoulder  - but you were shocked that the air in the room felt different when he was there, too. Are you thorough, Din? 

You were still frustrated and exhausted, but you were smiling, the scent of Din’s cologne - spicy and slightly woodsy - thick in your nose. Before answering him, you turned your head and closed your eyes, inhaling. He smells good. Really good. “You being here now defeats the purpose, though.” Finally finding your voice, you sighed. “All you’d have to do is press it again, and then I’d be right back where I started.” 

“Now you know for next time.”  He straightened up, keeping the hand on the back of your chair. “And since you’re busy I won’t stay too long, I just figured I’d stop in and see what time you wanted to meet on Saturday. I know the thing starts at 7, but I didn’t know if you wanted to meet there, or -”

“That’s probably the best plan.” Sighing, you tapped your fingers on your desktop before looking back over your shoulder at him. “It’s about the same distance from both of our houses, so there’s no point in going out of the way just so we can take the same car.” You shrugged. “That way if we lose horribly, we don’t have to drive back together in angry silence.” He smiled again, nodding. “Got plans for tomorrow?” 

“I’m going to catch up on sleep.” He took a long breath, watching you closely. “Make dinner for the two of us, and then just lay on the couch all day in my sweatpants.” 

“That sounds amazing.” It did - even though you loved your family, you wouldn’t have said no to the opportunity to do the same as Din - and the idea of spending the day with him and Grogu was more than appealing. Sweatpants? I … “What about Friday? Are you going to the tree lighting? They flip the switch at about 8.” 

“I heard about that.”  He wet his lips. “Thought about it.”

“You should. Bring Grogu. A lot of people take their dogs. It’s busy but not packed, and he seems like he’s really well behaved when you’re giving him commands, so…” 

“Are you going?” You watched his fingers flex against his biceps, your eyes drawn to the movement before they moved up, locking with his. They were warm once again, studying you with an intensity that surprised you, and you knew that there was something else he wanted to ask, but hadn’t. 

“I am. My friend Stacy and her husband are going. We’re meeting our other friend Cara for dinner beforehand. She lives a couple hours away now, but always comes home for the holidays, so it’s kind of tradition.” You didn’t add that for the previous three years, James had been there, too, but you figured that he knew just the same. “If you go, let me know. I’d love to see the little… what’d you call him? Whump rat?”

“Womp rat.” Din’s lips twitched. “Just something I heard as a kid, and it fits perfectly for him.” 

“I’d love to see the little womp rat again, Din. There are vendors that set up on the street, and some of them usually sell dog treats, so I think he’d have fun, too.” 

“Hmm.” He nodded, closing his eyes briefly. “Good to know.” Din sighed then and squinted at your screen. “I should let you get back to work. I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten a couple more emails since I’ve been standing here.” I know. Don’t remind me. You groaned at his words, covering your face with both hands. 

“What button did I need to push again?” He laughed as he turned away, heading for the door. “Din? Is it the one with the -”

“Have a good Thanksgiving. I’ll see you later this week.” He paused in the doorway, one hand rising to grip the wooden frame before he turned at the waist, grinning at you. “Don’t start pressing random buttons on your laptop, alright?” There was a challenge in his voice, one eyebrow arched so high that it all but disappeared into a wavy lock of his hair that hung down over his forehead. 

“Is it this one?” Reaching behind you, you jabbed blindly at a key. “Or this one? What about -”

“Stop touching things.” He rolled his eyes at you before he narrowed them playfully. “I’m not going to help you.” Keeping a neutral expression on your face, you pushed a third button and Din rolled his eyes again, muttering the word “unbelievable” under his breath before exiting the room completely, his hand lingering on the wooden doorframe until the last possible second. 

“I’ll see you on Friday, Din!” You called after him but he didn’t reply, and when you turned back to your computer, you were smiling, despite the fact that he was right and there were more emails that had come in. “That was a nice distraction.” 

Admitting it was a lot easier than you’d thought it would be, and when you reached for your cup and sucked the straw between your lips, even the taste of the watered down coffee wasn’t enough to sour your mood. 

— 

Near the end of dinner Friday, you got a message that didn’t include any text. It was just a picture, and when you opened it, you nearly dropped your phone. 

Clumsily grabbing for the device before it hit the table, you didn’t even try to stop your sharp intake of breath, Stacy cutting her husband off mid-sentence to ask you what was wrong. “Nothing’s wrong…it’s just…” 

Turning the phone toward her, you chewed on your lower lip. Her eyes widened and she reached out with a fingertip, tapping the screen. “Who’s that?”

“Grogu. Din’s dog. It looks…” You sighed. “It looks like they’re downtown, which means he’s here for the tree lighting.” Like I told him he should be. “Wonder if I’ll run into them.” 

“He sent you the picture so that obviously means he wants you to know where it is.” Cara sipped her beer, leaning back in her seat. “I think that means he’s hoping to see you.”

“I agree.” Stacy’s smile widened as you pulled your phone back toward you, eyes on the screen - and the image of the dog staring into the camera, mouth open and tongue hanging out with the familiar sight of the town square’s decorations partially visible behind him. “You’re downtown. They’re downtown. Does he know you’re here?”

“He does. I told him the other day he should come, but he never said whether or not he’d decided to, and…” Trailing off, you let the screen go dark. “I didn’t know.” 

“Now you do.” Cara cleared her throat, turning in her seat to signal for your server to bring the check to the table. “And we’re about to pay, which means in less than ten minutes you will also be at the town square.” 

“Cara, it -”

“What?” She took the booklet from the woman when it was handed to her, not even looking before she stuffed her credit card into it and then handed it back. “You’re going to say it isn’t that simple? That you don’t know if you’ll see them?” She thanked the waitress quietly before returning the gaze of her dark eyes to you. “Sometimes it is that simple. I haven’t been around much lately, but you’re single. He’s single. It’s been a couple weeks since you and James have even spoken, even though he’s still living here. You wouldn’t be doing anything wrong. And it’s not like I’m suggesting you marry him, but when the hot guy with the cute dog sends you a picture of said cute dog being extraordinarily adorable out of nowhere… you should go with it.” 

The four of you sat there in stunned silence at her outburst, the chatter of the other restaurant patrons loud in your ears. She’s right, but… “Can I say something?” Joseph - Stacy’s husband - cleared his throat. “I never really liked James, and I think Cara’s right.” 

“What?” In disbelief, you leaned in, mouth dropping open. “I was with him for years. We always went out places together. I had no idea. I -”

“I wasn’t allowed to say anything.” He sighed. “Stacy told me I couldn’t be a dick about it because the two of you were together, so I tolerated him the same way she did. But man was it hard sometimes.” He went quiet as Cara’s card and the receipt came back, the woman taking it and then signing it with a flourish. “I don’t know this Din at all, but Cara’s got a point. There’s no reason for you not to have fun this year. You finally have a real partner for this competition and won’t have to pull the dead weight, and it sounds like this guy is…” He trailed off, searching for the right word, and his wife supplied it for him, reaching out to cover his hand with her own.

“Worth it.” She grinned at you, eyes full of mischief. “And you know it.” 

From the limited interactions you’d had with Din, you agreed, but you knew that there was more to him that you didn’t know - and that you had to be careful. “I’ll text him back.” You held up a finger to interrupt both women, whose mouths opened to respond to you. “On one condition.” Lips pressed together, they stayed quiet, waiting. “The two of you cannot intervene in this. Whatever happens, I want it to happen because Din and I are -”

“Deal.” Stacy held up both hands, nodding. “As long as you do something. I just don’t want to sit here and watch you pass up on a good thing because you’re still thinking about James or worrying about what might happen later on.” 

“I have a condition, too.” Of course you do. Cara stuck her tongue into her cheek and narrowed her eyes. “Don’t just keep this about the competition. Get to know him. You have what, five nights with him over the course of the next month after tonight?” Nodding in agreement, you eyed her, waiting for the other boot to drop. “I will sit back and let you blow it if that’s what it comes down to, as long as I can see that you’re making an attempt not to let that happen.” 

You laughed at her, the woman’s expression serious, but soon enough all four of you were grinning as you stood from the table, putting your coats on. “Alright, Cara, Stacy. I will try to get to know Din. I will try to make it about more than the competition. I will try to let myself… connect with him, if that’s what he wants.” Joseph winked at you, wetting his lips. 

“Shouldn’t you start by telling him you’re heading over to the tree lighting, then?” Stacy rose onto her toes and kissed his cheek, the man’s arms going around her waist. “You did just promise my wife that - “ 

Grumbling as you zipped your jacket, you reached for your phone and opened Din’s message, hesitating briefly before you typed a reply. 

We just finished dinner and are heading over to the square. Are you and Grogu still around? 

Flicking the phone from silent to not, you pressed send - all four of you hearing the confirmation as the message was delivered. “Happy?” Cara was - you could see it in her eyes, and even Stacy looked relieved. You understood that - she’d been around during the breakdown of your relationship and the immediate aftermath, and had seen how the changes had impacted you. And she’ll see this too. She’ll see how … 

Your thoughts interrupted by an incoming message sound and a vibration in your hand, you bit your lip at Din’s reply. 

We are. There somewhere we can wait for you? 

It took only seconds for you to think of an answer, the words of your friends echoing in your head. It’s just a couple weeks. And he seems like a nice guy, even if he’s … withdrawn. 

There’s a statue on Maple and Main outside of the parking garage… that might be a good place?

You followed your friends outside, not bothering to put the phone away while you waited to see Din’s response. And he started typing almost immediately, the little dots appearing on the screen before you’d even made it a few steps down the sidewalk. 

We’ll be there.  He was typing again, and then stopped… but to your surprise another message came through seconds later, almost like he’d sent it before he could stop himself. See you in a few. 

— 

You saw Din before he got eyes on you, and before you could even react, Cara was reacting for the group. “Holy shit, he’s good looking.” She whistled as you exited the garage and turned toward the statue, and the woman’s jaw dropped at the sight of the man and his dog. “How have you not shown me a picture of him before now?”

“He doesn’t have social media.” You shrugged, stuffing your hands into your pockets. “Actually, until he took a picture for the website the other night, I hadn’t even seen a picture of him, so…” It was a little strange but you couldn’t fault him for it; you had a few other friends without an online presence. But if he had one, it’d be easier to make friends. 

The closer you got, the sharper the man’s details became, and you felt something building in your chest at the sight of him. It felt strangely like hope, the promise of something new and exciting, even though everything was an unknown. Getting to know the man over time and through a variety of different methods almost seemed like it was too good an opportunity to be true. But it’s not, because he’s… he’s right here. 

Din was dressed comfortably though you could tell he was warm - a pair of dark jeans and boots, a puffy gray utility jacket, the light from above making it shine silver. It had a hood, but he wasn’t wearing it - instead he had a dark knit hat on, pulled low over his ears. But the hat couldn’t hide all of his hair, one longer lock curling out from under the band of it and over his eyebrow, much the same way it had in the office earlier in the week. 

It makes him look younger. But you absolutely agreed with the remainder of Cara’s assessment of him, and when you were close enough, you took a deep breath and called out his name before you lost your nerve, drawing the man’s attention from the leashed dog at his feet. 

He turned toward you almost immediately, lips curving upward into a smile as he said hello followed by your name. “You made it.” He’s never looked at me like that before. 

“I did.” And I want him to do it again. Grogu was whining, the leash taut in Din’s hand as he attempted to get closer to you. For the moment, though, you ignored him, instead focusing on the man. “We did. Din, these are my friends.” Introducing them quickly, you were happy to see that he greeted each of them with genuine interest, reaching out to shake Joseph’s hand and telling Cara and Stacy that it was great to meet them. 

“And this is Grogu. Like I told her the other night, he might bark a little bit, but he doesn’t bite.” Grogu’s tail wagged furiously as Stacy knelt down to pet him, Cara not far behind. While they exclaimed over the dog, you kept your attention on Din, surprised to see that the man wasn’t paying attention your friends and was instead focused on you, a tiny smirk still on his lips. “You were right.” He put his free hand on his hip. “We’ve seen more dogs tonight than I thought. Grogu’s loving all the new friends.” 

“Good.” Casting a glance down, you took a step closer to the man as your friends kept petting the dog’s soft fur. “Did you find the vendors?”

“I thought I’d wait til you got here.” It was a simple statement, but it made your eyes widen nonetheless, Din’s casual shrug doing nothing to lessen the impact of his words. “Figured you could show us where the good ones were.” 

“She can and she will.” Stacy stood, moving over to squeeze your elbow. “We’re going to go and find the hot chocolate.” Stacy, what are you doing? Leaving me here? You … But you realized that she was doing exactly what they’d promised to do: letting you lead, letting things evolve without their interference. “Text me later if you want.” 

Assuring her that you would, you turned to say goodbye to Cara, too, catching the woman’s eye - and the look in it. I know. I know, Cara.  “It was nice to meet you.” Din raised one hand in a wave, the others saying goodbye shortly after. As they walked away, Stacy cast one last look over her shoulder at Grogu before they turned the corner and disappeared, leaving the three of you alone. “That was subtle.” 

Din’s comment surprised you, your lips parting as your attention returned to him. “Din, it’s not like -”

“No, I get it.” He closed his eyes, scoffing. “Believe me, my… friends at home are the same way sometimes. I know how it is.” 

You wanted to ask him more - to know about his friends and where he was from, but didn’t want to pry and so you didn’t risk it. You finally took your turn crouching down and greeting Grogu, both of your hands going to his face much like Din’s had the night at his house. 

He licked your nose and inched even closer as you laughed, your hand moving back to his neck and shoulder. “Hey big guy.” He barked and then crowded against you, turning in a slow circle as you continued to pet him. “You’re excited tonight, hmm?” 

“He is.” Din’s voice interrupted you and when you looked up, locking eyes with the man, you realized what position you were in. Shit. Your hands froze on Grogu, a single breath escaping from between your parted lips. Oh, this … You watched Din’s fingers flex; curling into loose fists as he watched you, and despite the brevity of the moment that passed between you, you couldn’t deny the heat that ignited in your belly at the sight of him above you. Stop it. Stop it now, this is … “If you …” Din finally spoke after drawing in a deep breath and blinking rapidly, breaking the tension. “If you ever want him to stop, say Gev. Down is daab.” 

You repeated the words to yourself and then looked away from Din and back at the dog. You were skeptical that he’d listen to you, especially with Din so close. “Gev, Grogu.” Even though you spoke quietly, the single command was enough. He went still and then backed off, settling on his haunches next to Din’s legs. “Holy shit. Really?” You glanced up again and then stood, the smile on your face growing. “What… what language is that?”

“Mando’a.” He shrugged. “I learned it as a kid, and when I found Grogu, I wanted to make sure that he listened.” You started walking toward the center of town again, Din next to you. “How many people say stop or sit or down or no on a daily basis? So teaching him in a different language made sense.” 

“It does.” You stepped closer to avoid a couple moving in the other direction, your elbow brushing against Din’s. “That’s smart. So now when he hears it, he knows you’re the one saying it, so he has to listen.” 

“Yeah.” Din sighed, winding the leash a little tighter around his hand as the crowd materialized in front of you. “And he usually does.” 

“Does he know any English commands?”

“He knows food and eat.” You laughed loudly at that, covering your mouth with one hand, eyes going back to the man next to you. “Walk. Outside.” Din looked down and then leaned closer to you, lowering his voice. “Treat.” 

At that, Grogu barked, twisting around to face the two of you again, tongue lolling out of his mouth. “Oh, you definitely know that one, don’t you.” Both you and Din laughed, continuing the walk along the sidewalk and toward the tents that lined the street further down. “Maybe one of these booths will have something for you to snack on, buddy.” Pausing, you looked back up at Din. “If he’s allowed, I mean.” 

“Of course he is.” Din grinned at you, the warmth in his expression chasing the chill from the air. “And he’s not too picky, so…” 

You figured that the dog would eat just about anything, so the confirmation wasn’t much of a surprise. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to pick something good. You passed a few vendors - people selling Christmas ornaments and wreaths, hand-made blankets and carvings; even a few stands that were filled with soaps and candles. 

You didn’t see anything for pets, but Din didn’t seem to mind much, the man asking you questions about some of the stands as you passed them. He’d shortened Grogu’s leash to keep him even closer, and you were happy to see that he was well-behaved, staying near the man’s side and not tugging to run ahead. 

“You said they turn on the tree at 8?” He paused at the end of one set of tents turning to face you. “We’ve only got a little longer than half hour left.” Reaching into your pocket, you pulled out your phone and checked the time, finding that he was right. Shit. 

“I didn’t realize it was so late, Din. I’m sorry.” I really am, because it means that I’ll have to leave sooner. “But yeah, it’s getting close. So we should find Grogu a snack and then -”

“And then maybe we should find some of that hot chocolate your friend mentioned for ourselves.” He elbowed you gently, shifting closer. “If it was good enough that they ran off right away to find it….” He trailed off and it made you laugh, the three of you beginning to move again, that time toward a smaller grouping of stands. 

“It is good, Din.” You didn’t have time to say more than that because you caught sight of the booth you’d been looking for out of the corner of one eye, reaching out with your hand to alert him. “Dog treats on your right.” 

He corrected course immediately, leading you and Grogu to the table. “Hi!” The woman behind it greeted you with a wave, eyes darting between you and Din and then down to Grogu. “Looks like the three of you - and especially the little guy - are in need of some snacks.” 

“I think he’d like that.” Din cleared his throat. “His name’s -”

“Grogu. I can see it on his collar. I’m not calling him that though. I’m gonna call him Bright Eyes because that’s exactly what this little cutie has.” She stepped around from the table and then crouched down, her gloved hands shooting out to ruffle the dog’s ears. “Isn’t it.” He moved closer, tail wagging, and before Din could tell him to stay down, the dog was on his hind legs, front paws resting on the woman’s knees. “What do you like, little guy? Pig’s ears? Peanut butter? Bacon?” 

The wagging of Grogu’s tail sped up with each word the woman spoke, but it wasn’t until she leaned in and kissed him on the nose before rising to her feet that he barked, a happy sound that you could hear even over the crowd around you. “He likes all of it.” 

“I know.” She turned and headed back behind the table, holding one hand - and one finger - up. “He looks like he’d eat just about anything but I’ve got just the right …” She bent down and then popped up a few seconds later, a triumphant smile on her face. “Homemade. Dogs love ‘em. Fun shape makes ‘em different. Here you go Bright Eyes, how about this one?” 

She rounded the table again and held up what she had in her hand - and while you barely contained your laugher, Din wasn’t able to do the same. “Is that a … frog?” 

“It sure is!” The woman nodded once, holding the treat up. “Good for the teeth and the gums. Gets all the crud outta there and it tastes good.” She paused, sucking in a breath and then looked back at Grogu. “Wanna try it?” 

He was sitting again, paws neatly placed in front of his body, tail thumping on the ground. You watched him tilt his head back, sniffing the air, and then the dog’s tongue poked out of his mouth as he licked his chops. He does. Look at him. “I’ll pay for it, Din.” Reaching for your purse, you pulled out your wallet. “How much?” 

“Couple bucks.” She waved her free hand, bending over again as she lowered her hand. “You can put it in the thing on the table if he likes it.” 

“Puhoi, Grogu.” Din’s low voice from next to you made the dog whine quietly, but when the treat was just in front of Grogu’s mouth, you were shocked to see that he remained in place, shifting his paws but otherwise not moving. The woman paused and then looked up at Din, and though it pained you to do so, you looked away from him and at the dog, waiting to see what would happen next. “Hiibir bic.” And then he moved - the dog gently taking the treat from between the woman’s fingers and closing his jaws around it, rising onto all four feet and taking a step back before he set it down, sniffing it. 

“Look at that,” the woman exclaimed, her grin returning full force. “I’ve never had a -”

But her words were cut off by Grogu inhaling the frog-shaped treat, chomping down on it with vigor. It crunched into tiny pieces and he devoured them in only a few seconds, nose moving along the ground followed by his tongue to catch any crumbs that he might have missed. That’s more like it. Laughing along with them, you moved around the woman’s body and put the money into the waiting container, fingers deftly picking up one of her business cards from the displayed stack. Peli Motto. Never heard of her before; she must be from out of town.

“Well thank you, Peli.” You held the card up as you stepped back next to Din. “I definitely see a few more of these things in Grogu’s future.” You didn’t know if that was actually going to be the case, but you hoped it would be, especially with how quickly he’d eaten the treat. “I’ll check out the website, and -”

“It’s all there.” She waved her hand again before bending down to scratch at Grogu’s back, the dog nudging against her calf. “Frogs and biscuits and bones and jerky and everything you can think of. I’ve also got a site for my other businesses, and there’s a link on the pet page if you decide to look through it.” She straightened up, looking between you and Din. “Somea the stuff I sell is perfect for couples, and -”

“We’re not a couple.” You interjected before she could get too carried away - and before Din could question why you were letting the assumption slide. “Just friends. But thank you, we’ll take a look.” 

She stood straight up again and then stepped back, her attention shifting momentarily from you and Din to another person that was hovering nearby. “If you say so.” She shrugged. “Glad he likes that one though. It’s very popular. And I sell a ton of ‘em for the holidays so if you’re going to want some, make sure you get your order in soon.” She eyed Din again, one hand on her hip. “I do offer expedited production and delivery for a fee, so…” 

“You’ll be the first one I call.” Din’s lips twitched into a small smile and then he nodded. “Thank you again. You made his day.” She gave the three of you another nod and then turned her full attention to the new people, the sudden departure blanketing you and Din in relative silence. That was a lot. “Ready to find that hot chocolate?” 

“Sure.” Sticking your hands in your pockets as you headed back for the main tree, Din tugged on Grogu’s leash to pull him with you. “And if you don’t want to wait in line with him, we’ll find a spot and then I can go.” 

“Is every year like this?” He avoided your offer, gesturing to the people in front of and around you with his free hand. “For the tree lighting?” 

“It’s usually not this busy, actually.” You sidestepped a small group of teenagers, bumping into Din’s side as you did. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” He steadied you with one large hand, palm resting at the center of your back - and even through your jacket, you could feel it; the pressure welcome and sending a thrumming energy through you. Oh no. “You alright?”

“I’m fine. I didn’t run into any of them.” You sighed, closing your eyes. “Anyway, it’s usually not this busy, but because it’s been nice the last couple days … everyone’s here.” 

“Yeah, almost all the snow’s melted.” The three of you reached the corner of the street where the tree was, the brightly colored lights on the food trucks cutting through the darkness. “I was surprised. What happens if there’s no snow for the snowman thing?”

“That’s why it’s not first.” You pointed out the hot chocolate truck, squinting to try and see the line. “Three weeks in gives them plenty of time to figure something out if they need to. I’m sure there’s a backup plan, but we’ve never had to use it… and I’m sure we won’t this year, either.” 

He stayed quiet for a few seconds and then Din said your name, the man turning toward you. “I hope you’re right.” Pulling his lower lip back and between his teeth, he stared at you for long moments, the man silent. What’s going on, Din? You wanted to ask but didn’t know how to, your fingers curling into loose fists inside of your pockets. “Look.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “I’ll let you stay here with Grogu, if this is a good spot.” 

“What?” He held out the leash, the smile returning to his face. “Din, he -”

“He’ll be good.” Din’s eyes flicked down and then back up, “It’s only a few minutes.” Pulling one hand free from your pocket, you took the handle, fingers threading through the loop and then closing around it, the majority of it resting against the back of your wrist. “Wait here?”

“I might move a little closer to those trees.” You gestured with your chin. “But I’ll be there.” When he turned away from you, you said his name, stopping the man in his tracks. “Do you want money? I -”

“No. You bought him that frog. I’ve got it.” He waved you off with one hand. “Marshmallows or whipped cream? What do you like?”

“Marshmallows.” Biting your lower lip in thought, you narrowed your eyes. “And if they’ve got those little candy canes, grab me one of those, too. Please.” He assured you that he would and then Din began moving again, disappearing into the crowd. You watched until you couldn’t see him anymore and then turned your attention to Grogu, saying the dog’s name. “C’mon pal. We’re gonna get to a better spot, alright?” 

He went willingly as you weaved through the crowd and about fifteen feet to your right. It wasn’t any closer to the main tree, but the ground where you were standing sloped up and back, elevating you a few feet over the rest of the crowd - and giving you a better view of everything beneath you. 

As you let yourself watch what was happening, you zoned out, head tilted to one side and your fingers holding the leash tightly. I’m here with … James hadn’t ever wanted to go to the tree lighting with you, citing the hectic nature of the night along with the long lines at the concession stands - and the traffic jam that getting out of the parking garages could become. And I never fought it. You’d gone every year without him - meeting friends or going alone - but it had never felt perfect; there’d always been something missing. 

And you hated to admit it, but the missing piece was someone there with you because they wanted to be - someone that wasn’t just a friend that you’d known for years. You loathed being a third wheel, and even though Stacy and Joseph never made you feel unwanted, you couldn’t help it sometimes. “It’s weird, right Grogu?” Looking down, you watched as he lowered himself onto the ground, paws outstretched in front of him before he settled his nose between them. “This is the first time I’m not here with my friends in about a million years.” 

He didn’t reply - or look up - so you returned your attention to the crowd, trying to see if you could spot your friends. I should text them. I should let them know where I am. Pulling your phone out, you saw that there was a message from Cara. What does she want? 

Saw Din in the hot cocoa line by himself. Did you scare him off already? 

You fought back a laugh at that, sliding the loop of Grogu’s leash all the way back and around your wrist so that you could type. 

No, I’m waiting with Grogu by the trees on the hill. He offered to go. 

She began typing back almost immediately, and her reply was blunt - though not unexpected. 

You can tell me where you’re at all you want, but you’re on your own. We’re staying where we are… and so are you. And Din.

“I knew it.” Groaning, you rolled your eyes and sent a message back,chewing on the inside of your cheek. 

Fine. But I still need a ride back to my car later. 

She took a few seconds to respond, the bubble appearing and disappearing at the bottom of the message multiple times. 

You know where we’re parked. 

Slipping your phone back into your pocket, you shuffled your feet and then stuck your hands back in your pockets, seeking out the warmth. Even though it had been warmer, the temperature drop after dark made things chilly. The cup will warm my hands up when he gets back. 

As the minutes passed and people’s attention turned toward the main tree, the crowd gathered around it growing steadily larger, you wondered if Din was going to make it back in time. I’d hate that. I wouldn’t want him to miss the tree getting turned on, especially since - 

“Hey. I’m back.” Looking to the left, you saw Din approaching, two green cups with lids in his hands.  “Sorry it took so long.” 

“You made it back just in time.” You took one cup, shaking the leash back to between your fingers before you held it out to Din. “Got a couple more minutes.” He took the loop from you, and despite your best efforts, you couldn’t stop yourself from staring at the way his fingers looked against the dark rope, his palm nearly swallowing the braided material as he closed them around it. “The view’s much better up here.” 

“It is.” He moved a little closer to you, Grogu still laying on the ground at your feet. “I saw your friends while I was in line. They pretended that they didn’t see me.”

“I’m going to be honest with you, Din.” Sipping the cocoa, you licked your lips clean. “They’re trying to convince me to … I don’t even know what, exactly, and …”

“They’re being good friends.” He took a drink, too, shoulders rising and falling in a shrug. “I take it they’re not trying to wait and see if you end up back with your ex?”

“God no.” You rolled your eyes. “Stacy pretty much threw a party when we broke up, and Cara wasn’t a huge fan, either. I could probably pick any random man in this crowd and they’d approve more than they did with James.” He laughed, the sound quiet - but you still heard it. 

“So they ignored me so I couldn’t tell them where we were standing?” 

“Yes.” The taste of chocolate coated your tongue, warmth seeping through your body a little more each passing second. “I sent a text to Cara, and she pretty much told me that I was on my own until it was time to leave.” 

“Could be worse, right?” Din turned his head toward you, gifting you with an eyeful of his profile. 

You’d looked at him before, but that night - with the soft glow of the overhead lights shining through the tree branches and from behind him, you saw the man in a new light. The curved bridge of his nose, his full lips, the well-kept mustache and short, stubbly beard … all of it separately was attractive, but everything together - and there with you -  made your stomach flip. 

With every second that he spent watching you, it became more and more apparent that the crush you had on him wasn’t going to go away. And we still have five events to do together. This is .. bad. This is going to be … hard. 

“I mean… you could be alone, or not have hot chocolate, or…” He trailed off and you were overcome with the desire to hug him, though you stopped yourself, tightening your grip on your cup. “Oh, speaking of …” He reached into his pocket and pulled out two plastic-wrapped candy canes, holding one out to you. “Sorry, I forgot to give this to you.” 

You took it from him, plucking the peppermint stick from his fingers and deftly opening it with one hand before you stuck one end between your lips, sucking. Not only did it distract you from what you’d been thinking about, it gave you a few extra seconds to come up with a response. Make it funny. Make it so that he doesn’t think you think this is more than it is. 

“You know,” you finally said as you pulled the candy cane from between your lips. “I always thought that if you were a single person out somewhere with a cute dog, there’d be people lining up to talk to you.” You used the candy to point down at Grogu. “But you left me with him for like ten minutes, and no one came up to me, Din. I think your dog’s broken.” 

“Definitely not.” Din swallowed a gulp of cocoa and shook his head, licking his lips. “I had at least three women walk up to me before you got here and tell me how cute he was.” Of course you did, but that has nothing to do with the dog. “And when we’re walking, people are always asking about him, too.” 

“Must be me then.” You muttered the words, unable to stop yourself. I -”

“No.” He turned toward you, angling his body so that he faced you without needing to turn his head. “It’s definitely not you.” You felt the weight of his stare - the man’s gaze warm and pulling you in, heating you from the inside out more than the hot chocolate ever could have. 

“Din, you -”

But before you could say anything else, you heard feedback through the microphone on the square, the sound making you wince and Grogu whine, the dog getting to his feet. “Ouch.” Din winced too, ducking his head and averting his eyes. “You alright, pal?” You looked, finding Grogu’s face peeking out from behind Din’s calves, head tilted so that he could look up. “I know it was loud.” 

The moment was broken - and while part of you was thankful, another part of you was upset, the idea of never knowing what you might have said or what might have happened if you hadn’t been interrupted something that you knew would gnaw at you. But it’s better this way. “They’re starting.”  You pointed, saying Din’s name. “That’s the mayor and then the winners from last year’s competition.” 

“What are they doing up there?” He spoke loudly to be heard over the sound of increasing cheers and clapping, and instead of raising your voice to yell, you shifted closer, turning your head so that you could speak directly into his ear. 

“They flip the switch.” You paused, trying to disguise your shiver at the way Din moved, too,closing the distance between you even more. “That’s one of the prizes that stays the same every year. The winners are a part of the tree lighting.” 

“So that’s gonna be us next year?” He turned his head to look at you, lips pushed out into a smirk. “Standing up there with everyone watching us?” Wait, what? 

“Thought you said I shouldn’t expect anything from you.”  You spoke breathlessly, your fingers tightening around your cup as your heart hammered behind your ribcage. “Because -”

“I changed my mind.” He wet his lips, the tip of his tongue flashing into and out of view. “I want to win.” And you said I’m the competitive one. A laugh escaped you then, your nose wrinkling as you shut your eyes, nodding. “What?” 

“Well if you’ve changed your mind, Din, then I guess we have to win.” He was grinning at you when you opened your eyes again, but before he could speak, the sound of the Mayor’s voice interrupted, welcoming everyone to the celebration. 

The two of you faced forward, eyes on the man and two women that stood next to him, the three of them wearing colorful coats and hats. And even though you were paying attention to what was happening - the man reintroducing the winners with a broad sweep of his arm, thanking all of the vendors for being present, wishing everyone a happy holiday season - you were much more aware of Din’s presence beside you than anything else. 

He hadn’t moved away again, the heat radiating off of his body along with the scent of his cologne, and for a few minutes, you let your mind wander, imagining what it would be like to know that you got to attend events with him, to casually reach over and take Grogu’s leash from his hand and wind it around yours, to be able to lean over and rest your head against his - “Hey.” 

Din’s voice cut through your thoughts, forcing your attention back onto him just as the Mayor was reminding everyone that the contest began the following night, and that an updated schedule of events was available 24/7 online. “Yeah?” 

“Thanks for inviting me.” The smirk had turned into a soft smile, Din’s eyes warm beneath the band of his hat. “I’ve never been to anything like -” There was a smattering of applause that was accompanied with a countdown, and with some regret, you closed your eyes and gritted your teeth. Dammit. 

“You probably want to watch this, Din.” Even though you were annoyed that your conversations kept getting interrupted, you couldn’t deny the excitement you felt at the fact that you were only moments away from the true start of the holiday season. “Look at the tree.” 

He did - and you did, too, your breath catching as the two women stepped forward and reached out for the oversized switch, their fingers closing around it as the residents of the town began to count backwards from 10. 

When they hit 3, you shifted on both feet, glancing down to see that Grogu was sitting again, paws neatly arranged and his ears perked up toward the sound of the crowd. Good boy, Grogu. You smiled at the sight and then looked back at the tree, biting down on your lower lip as the switch flipped - and then a few seconds later, the lights on the tree came on, followed by strings of them leading out and away from it and over the square. 

“Oh, dank farrik.” Din’s voice was filled with awe, and as you looked over at him, you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling at his expression, the man’s eyes wide and his pupils huge. As the lights continued to turn on in succession, you briefly closed your eyes again, taking a deep breath. “Whoa!” 

Reopening them, you watched Din’s neck stretch as he looked up, his eyes on the branches above you, which were strung with hundreds of tiny multicolored lights. “Surprise, Din.” Before you could stop yourself, you reached over, laying your hand on his arm. “When I said we decorate here, we decorate.” 

“You weren’t kidding.” When he looked back at you, the awe was still there, though there was a deep crease between his brows as he stared at you. “This is …” He trailed off, frowning. “Everything at home is so formal when it comes to the holidays, and … I’ve never…” 

“Can’t say that anymore.” You tightened your grip on his arm, fingers sinking into the soft, puffy material of his coat. “And it only gets better.” He eyed you for a few more seconds and then looked away, his attention moving over the lights and the crowd before it honed back in on the tree, the man smiling again. “You should bring Grogu back here at night sometime.” 

Letting go of his arm, you crouched down, setting your cup between your feet and reaching over to pet the dog, fingers moving slowly through the short fur on the top of his head. “Yeah?”

“Mmmhmm.” He leaned into your touch, whining softly when you scratched him behind the ears. “It’s a good photo op. There’s a little wall that you can have him jump up and sit on, the tree’s perfectly placed behind it. You can sent it back home so everyone can see him.” Din stayed silent, even as you picked the cup back up and stood, taking a sip. “Wait a week or so and get some snow in there, and it looks like a Christmas card.” 

“You could come with us.” He turned to face you, lifting one shoulder in a shrug as he took a drink, too. “Show us the right spot.” I’d… I’d love that. You wanted to reply immediately but forced yourself not to, instead taking a deep breath and nodding. Don’t let him see how much you want that.

“If you want.” You finished your cocoa, lowering the cup to your side. “And that way you’ll have someone to take a picture of the two of you.”  You saw the confusion return, his eyes narrowing briefly. What did I say? I didn’t mean to…  “Din?”

“There you are!” You swore under your breath and unless you imagining it, so did he, but both of you turned toward the sound and watched as your friends headed through the crowd and toward you, Cara holding a cup similar to yours and Stacy and Joseph behind her, their hands linked. “Well, what do you think, Din? You like the lights?” 

“I … do.” He nodded at them, winding Grogu’s leash tighter around his hand. “There are a lot more of them than I thought. And I’m used to only white lights, so…” You are? His smile widened, Din nodding. “I like this.” 

“A lot of the buildings decorate, too.” Cara swigged from her cup and then grinned. “You’ll see that tomorrow at trivia, to start.” 

“I’m sure I will.” Din looked from your friend back to you, a flash of disappointment in his eyes. “But we should probably get going now so we can beat the crowd.” Oh. You’d known it was coming - the time that you had to separate - but you were disappointed, too, the abrupt arrival of your friends changing the feeling of the night. “And that way I can get home in time to study.” 

“Study?” You grinned. “Din, are you going to go home and look up -”

“I am.” He straightened up and set his shoulders, his attention fully on you. “Just going to look at a couple things.” He arched a brow, head cocked slightly to one side? “Any recommendations for where to start?” 

“I’ll text you a couple links.” You pressed your lips together, warmth toward the man filling your chest. He’s taking this seriously. It’s just a stupid contest, and … “If that’s ok?”

“Yeah.” He took a breath and released it, finally looking away from you and at Grogu. “But I should go and get him home. It was … I had a good time tonight. Thank you for telling me about it.” 

“This is only the beginning.” Stacy spoke up, her head resting on her husband’s shoulder. “If you had a good time here, you’ll love the rest of Mistletoe’s Christmas.” 

“I hope so.” Eyes darting back to you, Din opened his mouth and then closed it, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yep.” You stepped back and toward your friends, making the first move to put space between yourself and the man. “Have a good night, Din.” You looked down, your smile growing. “You too, Grogu.” Din’s mouth moved but you couldn’t make out what he said - though as soon as he stopped, Grogu barked happily, his tail thumping against the man’s leg. I’ll have to ask him about that. 

“G’night, Din.” Cara held up a hand in a wave, the woman reaching over to link arms with you. “See you around.” 

As she pulled you away, you looked back over your shoulder at him, finding that Din was watching you with a small smile on his face, one hand stuffed into the pocket of his jacket. Mouthing the word “goodnight” at him, you watched Din nod once before you faced forward, Cara tugging you closer as Stacy and Joseph led the way back to the car. 

Once he was out of earshot, you wrenched yourself free, tossing your cup into a trash can before facing your friend. “What was that? You said that you’d let what happened happen. That you wouldn’t interfere, and -” 

“I said we’d stay out of it when it came to getting the two of you together or manipulating that.” Cara looked to the side at you, shrugging. “But I didn’t say anything about cutting in in an attempt to pull you apart.” 

“That doesn’t even make sense.” You were confused at her logic, the four of you continuing to walk back toward the car. “Cara, what do -”

“We watched you all night.” Stacy spoke up, clearing her throat. “We needed to pull you out of there before the two of you got too far ahead of yourselves.” Ahead of ourselves? “There’s definitely a connection there, but there’s no reason for you to rush anything.”

“Rush anything?” Laughing as the parking garage came into view, you rubbed at your forehead. “Don’t sabotage myself, but don’t go too fast, try to get to know him but don’t get too close. What the hell am I supposed to -”

“You just broke up with Captain Asshole, and you might not know Din well,but he’s aware that you were together for a while.” All of you crowded into the elevator, Cara’s arms crossed over her chest and her dark eyes locked with yours. “If you rush into anything with him, or … cross a line with him now, you might regret it. And he might, too.” Oh. That… makes sense. 

Stacy spoke up next. “We won’t be there every time you’re with him, but tonight? This is the first night, and since the competition is starting tomorrow, we wanted to make sure it wasn’t… that it didn’t get awkward.” That made sense to you, even though you didn’t want to admit it. “It’s easy to get caught up in the moment. We’ve all done it. But this is … different. And you said you weren’t looking for anything, so -”

“I agree with you.” Sliding into the backseat, you leaned your head back, eyes closed. “I’m not looking for anything. But it’s hard to remember that when …”

“When you’re standing next to someone like Din?” Stacy looked back at you from the front seat, grinning. “Understandable.” Even Joseph laughed at that, and as he pulled out of the garage and onto the main street, you settled back into the seat, eyes out the window. I’m not looking for anything … and even if I was, he… he hasn’t dated anyone the whole time he’s been here, and… shit. 

— 

An hour later, you were changed into your pajamas and ready for bed, though you decided to watch a movie before heading up to your room. 

After settling on the couch and wrapping a blanket around your shoulders, you pulled your phone out and debated over whether or not to text Din. I said I would. Chewing on your lower lip, you started at the screen and then unlocked it, opening your texts. 

The picture of Grogu was the first thing you saw, and you couldn’t keep the smile off of your face as you stared at him, the dog’s large eyes bright and focused on the camera - and on Din, in turn. It won’t hurt anything. 

A few minutes later, you’d put three different links into a single message, thumb hovering over the send button. It’s just research. You sent the message and then immediately followed it up with another to explain yourself. 

Just some light reading for you. They usually go pretty heavy on the general trivia. 

It took a few seconds but when Din opened the messages, he began typing back almost immediately - and his answer was not what you expected. 

Got it. Thanks, I’ll take a look. 

Maybe he’s upset at how I left tonight? You hoped that wasn’t the case - that your friends hadn’t inadvertently ruined things for you while doing what they thought they could to help. Or maybe he’s having second thoughts about tomorrow. 

Deciding to send one message back - a smiley face with a simple you’re welcome - you were in the middle of typing when another message from Din came through. 

I had fun tonight. It was nice to get out with Grogu … and you. 

You nearly dropped your phone at that, and spent the next 60 seconds staring at the screen, mouth hanging open. What? “How do I even respond to that?” You needed to - and you knew it, but you didn’t know what the appropriate reply was, especially after your friends had cautioned you earlier. I just have to be … careful. 

I’m glad. I did too. 

It felt hollow, though, and as soon as you sent it and reread the message, you were typing again, pressing send again before you could stop yourself. 

Can’t wait for tomorrow. 

You didn’t expect a reply from Din, but when your phone buzzed again moments later, you let out a breath, covering your mouth with one hand and sighing in relief. 

I can’t either. 

— 

Puhoi = slow 

Hiibir bic = take it 

Jorhaa'ir = speak

[goombasa]

SLARPG and Writing Good Relationships

So originally this was an idea I was going to try and make a video about not long after Super Lesbian Animal RPG came out. Due to a number of factors, that obviously never happened, but it's a topic that I do want to at least talk about, both because I think it's a fun discussion to have, and because I just love this game so much. It's like… it's really, really good, guys.

Super Lesbian Animal RPG (heretoafter referred to as ‘SLARPG’ for simplicity) is a turn-based RPG released in December of 2022. It was created and published by Ponett, largely a one-person development team headed by Bobby Schroeder, someone who I was already familiar with via their blog “Thanks, Ken Penders”, an analysis and retrospective of the various Sonic the Hedgehog comics published by Archie and written by Ken Penders.

The game boasts a banger soundtrack, and beautifully realized world that combines magic and technology together in interesting ways, fun and colorful character designs and a simple combat system that makes you think about what sort of moves you have the resources for in the moment, with a difficulty curve that is just right. Even at the peak of your power by the end of the game, you can't just steamroll everything, and the game wants you to keep paying attention from the start of the game all the way to the end.

But at its heart, the real driving force in its narrative, at least to me, is the relationship between our main character, Melody, and her best friend, now girlfriend, Allison. Their relationship is beautiful in how its portrayed, mostly because it doesn't try to present their romance as anything special. They goof off, they joke with one another, they speak casually, but they aren't dramatic about their own relationship, it feels completely natural. You are very aware of the fact that these two were very close friends before they started dating, just from listening to the two of them chat with one another. It's not only very cute, but it also grounds the two of them as a very normal, relatable couple, despite being adventurers for hire in a world where they regularly fight off slimes and minor nuisances around their own.

Watching their relationship grow as the game goes on, with the stress of an invading, reality-warping force coming after their world, is fascinating, because despite the adventure, a lot of what happens with them is very mundane. We see the two of them confront their personal hang ups, we see the two of them eventually have a full communication breakdown that actually really hurts their relationship for a while, but despite the situation that causes it, the way that they work around it, and how they handle it, it all feels so real. Their observation that they felt like they were tiptoing around each other, worried about upsetting one another before their first big argument was such a massive moment for me especially, that I felt myself kind of deflate in relief in my chair after witnessing it.

(I'd give more context, but I really want anyone who hasn't already to play this game, so please, please, if you want more context for what I'm talking about, go and play this wonderful game!)

Melody and Allison's relationship is also contrasted well with their other party members. Jodie, who is the most experienced adventurer in the group, was already in a relationship pre-game with the Guardian (leader of the paladins), Faith. Her relationship is stable, but the workload placed on faith, and her own job as an adventurer does mean that their professional lives often lead to separation between them, and while they love each other, they do realize that finding a good work/life balance is something they need to adjust to, even after being in a relationship for a while. But because their relationship is more mature, the two of them are pretty good at handling their rockier challenges in their relationship, at least for what we're shown of it.

Then there's Claire, who definitely has one of the bigger character arcs in the game, with her journey being just as much centralized on finding value in herself before she actually ends up in a relationship, which is another good contrast because it relates back to Melody's struggles with her own self image as well. These relationships and stories could have easily just been their own standalone stories with no real bearing on the main plot, but the relationships, both romantic and platonic, are woven into both the main conflict and each other's relationships so well that it feels as though they grow as a group as well as individuals.

Relationships are also woven into gameplay as well. Not so much that they are the major focal point of combat, but in smaller ways that are meant to reinforce the relationships between characters. Characters that are in a relationship for example, can choose to take a turn to smooch their significant other, which gives a temporary buff to the participants' stats. There's even a counter in the pause menu that keeps track of the number of smooches you've given. It doesn't affect anything, but it's a cute addition. This gives certain events in the story more weight when you temporarily lose access to the ability to smooch. It is integration between story and gameplay that I love to see in my RPGs.

The game is really a romance disguised as a traditional, adventurous RPG. It's main focus is on its characters and their building relationships. That is the main focus, and because of that, the romance and everything related to it feels front and center, but not separate from the main plot. The two are woven together wonderfully in their themes and experiences, and that, to me, makes this one of the best written romance games I have played, and I'm counting games where getting into a relationship is the main focus.

If you're looking for some wonderfully written characters, a nostalgic feeling RPG systems from the 16-bit era, some clever writing, and a colorful adventure, Super Lesbian Animal RPG is absolutely something you should play. It is absolutely worth its asking price and I am wondering if we'll see more of this world and these characters down the line. I sure hope so. You can visit the game's steam page HERE (#NotSponsored).

I love these girls.

[desultory-novice]

MariPav Omake Ficlet - “...With Lingering Side Effects”

@driftwoodmfb drew the result(s) of what would happen if you fused MariPav's Marx and Magolor together and for some reason my mind went right to the classic "matter transporter accident" trope. 

So, I wrote a little script bit exploring that very thing...!! (It’s mostly fluffy with a side of thoughtful!)

---

<On the ship>

Magolor: "Muahaha... Now THIS is interesting...!"

Marx: "What?"

Magolor: "Did you know, Marx, that the Lor actually has a matter transportation function...for people!"

Marx: "Like a teleportation spell?" "I don't see what the big deal is. I can use teleportation magic. Doesn’t require an Ancient artifact.”

Magolor: "How wonderful for you. Have you considered others for once in your life?" "Now, what's interesting about this is that it's not listed among any of the ship's main systems. It's buried deep within the code. I'm not sure I would have discovered it had I not had to make so many custom routines to speed up data processing to deal with the extreme workload I'm putting on the ship given its power supply. Isn't life is full of little miracles?!"

Marx: "Mags...? Did you stop to consider this function might be hidden because they never got all the bugs figured out?"

Magolor: "We'll find out. As I'm testing it right now!"

Marx: "...Heh! Good luck not getting turned inside out!"

Magolor: "Same to you. Heh heh heh."

Marx: "...Huh?"

Magolor: "I'm teleporting us both! Simultaneously. For safety's sake."

Marx: "S-Safet--?! Hey, hey, hey! Hold up, you mad scient---!"

---

<BWEEM to just outside the volcano>

???: "...iiiiiist.......?"

???: "Huh. We didn't end up trapped inside a rock like I feared we would. But of course, I trusted myself the entire time. No I didn't? I thought that was insane. How long have I been living on this crazy planet that I've taken to experimenting with poor, innocent, positively-fascinating-though-often-annoying creatures like myself to... Hmm?? Why am I...both of us...?!"

Margolox: "Wha--ooh, hey, this is...fascinating!"

Margolox: "Also, I have...legs again. Except I've always had legs. Not...always...? Mostly, then. Mostly...?? Well, hmm, I'll just have to agree to disagree on this with myself, won't I? No, it's the hands are new. Are they really? Completely new? In this form? Yes, didn’t I explain that to myself? Interesting. Then I'd love to know what's different about them. Though I already know, don't I...? I know...so much... Two lifetimes worth..."

Margolox: "There are so many memories now. Conflicting ones. And ones that feel...frighteningly similar. And memories I don't want to touch. Are those MY memories that I'm afraid to revisit...or do I want to avoid them because they are MINE and I'm the one looking at them, not myself? Is it because I'm me and not me that I'm afraid to let myself get any closer to me? But...if I'd know that I was so much like me, maybe...I wouldn't have to be afraid to let myself in a little..."

---

<BWEEM to back inside the ship>

Marx: "...GAH!!!!'

Magolor: "...Ah..."

Marx: "What the hell, Mags?!" "...Huh? We're ourselves again?!"

Magolor: "...Yes. What, did you think I HADN'T planned for the possibility of this orphaned routine accidentally scrambling our data together and fusing us into an amalgamate being? (We have entertainment programs on Halcandra. I know my sci-fi tropes!)" "I set several failsafes and some very generous rollback code to restore us to our original physiological patterns after a set period of time if any of the expected anomalies occurred."

Marx: "Maybe you’re a genius after all? Doesn't make you any less of a mad scientist though!"

Magolor: "You like the fact that I play fast and loose with my morals."

Marx: "Who said I do?"

Magolor: "...Your mind."

Marx: "...!!!"

Magolor: "Though I need to correct you on your assumptions. It's not purely thrill-seeking on my part. My choices are born from necessity--"

Marx: "I know. I...saw...the the stuff you had to go through..."

Magolor: "...Mm......"

Marx: "It messes with your head to have other people's thoughts in there, I know..."

Magolor: "Yes... And yet...as galling as the invasion of privacy was..."

Both: " "..." "

Both: ((..I found it strangely comforting...))

Magolor: "W-well...I say we break on repairs for the day!" "The one thing I hadn't planned for was the, err, let's call it a mental toll. I may need some time...to sort through things a little."

Marx: "Same."

Magolor: "...Marx?"

Marx: "Yeah, Mags...?"

Magolor: "..." "Nothing."

<They head off in opposite directions>

Both: (( ...It was maybe the first time I didn't feel so alone...))

Both: (( ...now that feeling's gone...and all that's left is emptiness...))

<Later>

Marx: (My legs...hurt. My back too. Like I could never get comfortable. It hurt the whole time we were fused together. Magolor can’t be in that much pain constantly...can he...?)

Magolor: (Marx’s mind... It was so crowded with-...I don’t even know WHAT that was... But I don’t understand how he can concentrate on anything when his brain is always screaming...)

[ashe-delta]

Last quarter I had this displeasure of having one of my classes get bait and switched from an English class to a class about using ChatCPT. That means I've technically taken a college level course on ChatGPT, making me far more qualified than I really wish I was on the subject, meaning I can "flex" my knowledge here.

For the record, ChatGPT is fine. There's no such thing as soulless art or writing, that's literally just Nazi rhetoric. The issue with AI is it's a misinformation machine, it'll take away a ton of important jobs, and it'll create a toxic environment for creators if not used for good. (And given the tech industry is using it, that's very likely!)

If you want to know what ChatGPT is actually useful for, it's creating summaries. They aren't great summaries, and I cannot stress this enough, it's not exactly responsible to say you've "read" an article when all you did was feed it to a machine which gave you the bullet points. But, like, as long as your on both sides of the machine (carefully tuning the input and the output) it's mostly fine.

Probably the most interesting assignment in that class was an essay compiling research. It didn't require a ton of work, mostly just comparing sources; you don't even need to have a super fleshed out point. The catch was that the professor provided all the sources—all of which talk about the downsides of AI, which I can respect. These sources were massive, talking 15-30 pages, and all of them full of the scholarly gatekeepy language that academic writing is known for, and there was 25 total. And you needed to use 18. For 7 pages! That is a lot of fucking reading for a college level course on an assignment we realistically had two weeks to do, especially academic reading.

The idea, then, is to not read it. The workload is too high on purpose, so you have to use a machine somewhere in the process to make it faster. So, make the AI read it. Again, this is not some high stakes academic paper, its just combining a bunch of sources together to make something slightly coherent. So if the AI can summarize the points, you can make the essay much faster than if you didn't.

From here, the prof expects you to just copy and paste the writing from the AI, but I wouldn't do that. That isn't what I said was "mostly fine", after all—carefully tuning both the input and the output. A human on both sides. What I'm proposing is to take what the AI said, and to make sure it's, you know, coherent, and make it into something better by actually analyzing it and doing comparisons yourself. I likened it to a "writing calculator". It gets something that's close enough that you can finish the job. But it's never always quite there. And it doesn't need to be! That is literally your job.

You can see where the main struggle with AI right now is, then. People are just taking the output at face value. The final product, push it out, don't check for misinformation, fire your staff, and let the AI do the job. It knows what its doing, after all. But it doesn't. It's essentially just a toddler babbling, guessing what's probably good enough.

One of the best things I've done to help my writing is to just create a summary of what I'm going to write. Instead of staring at a blank page, I'll write a 3 sentence summary of what I want this scene to be. Then, sentence by sentence, I can deconstruct it and add all the details back in. It's basically (totally) an outline, but the key thing is I already wrote exactly what I want, I just have to spice it up and give it life. The hardest part of writing, after all, is staring at that blank page. Anything is better than nothing.

You probably see where this is going, but AI is pretty decent at putting anything onto the page. It's also pretty good at writing pretty shitty. That's where you edit the summary that it's provided and make it something actually worth using. In academic writing, this would look like not letting a single word of it touch the page (also, because that's plagiarism, as its not your words). Instead you take it's thoughts, compare it to the sources itself (you're going to have to at least skim the sources to make sure its right). Don't do this in a high stakes academic writing environment, but lets be real, your 100-200 level courses aren't it. In creative writing, this is essentially just putting a prompt in and using it as a guideline or outline for the writing. Again, not letting its words hit the page.

This approach to writing with ChatGPT shocked my professor, which is weird, because I figured it's kinda the normal way to write something? You wouldn't let someone write your paper, but you would let someone tell you how a source might be useful, even if you need to double check its right. He's even thinking of changing the class to better fit this human on the input and output angle, which is deeply flattering. But it also goes to show just how volatile the market for AI and ChatGPT is right now. No one is actually sure how to use it right, everyone is just guessing.

All this to say, AI is not the devil. It is being wildly misused and no one can deny that, but the AI itself isn't at fault (although it's databases could be sourced a little better than that). It's the people using it. I have no plans to use ChatGPT in the future for, well, anything, but I can't discredit it completely, given it was actually helpful.

Now stop using it to automate things that DESPERATELY need a human in the production line.

[woomycritiques543]

FYI: Alastor was created by Viv when she was in high school. He's not an attempt to appeal to the Onceler crowd

Bruh thats not even an excuse.

She legit could have redesigned him to not do that, since Lucifer and Charlie and Angel and Husk are a thing. He definitely was after.

She could have choosen to be more creative with it.

But NOOOoooooo crowd appeal is more important apparently. 

Especially nowadays, seeing how the series has become for the past... three or more years. It also makes me miss the 2019 Hazbin days (besides... the toxic as all hell fandom 😬). It just felt like Vivziepop used to be more bright and passionate. Now- she just overworks herself a ton for crowd appeal, and seems a quite miserable if I were to be 100% honest. If she wasnt so rude and weaponizing her trauma like she did a week ago against people who were also traumatized (from generations of discrimination) by the very representation she promised to "improve", (and yet barely does so unless it benefits mostly herself.) I would genuinely feel bad for her. But Hazbin wise- she did this to herself.

Pitching Hazbin and causing herself to no longer 100% own her own ocs- by herself. When she could have made Hazbin indiependent, post poned Helluva Boss, and none of this would happened. Instead, she bit off more than she can chew, and now herself and her freinds are having to suffer for it. Helluva Boss being created while she was in the middle of pitching an entire cartoon? Also, her own fault. She keeps complaining about her workload with HB/H and such, but how can I actuallt feel bad for her if again- she did that to herself. This was supposed to be a passion project, and now its just a overworked stressed out mess that's more about profit and validation above all else. To the point where it's production is filled with artist mistreatment (of multiple people! stop with the "erin frost!" bullshit!), stress venting every few months, constantly trying to appeal to what's "hip" in adult animation (Brandon Rodgers modern family guy "adult comedy" and all) and Vivziepop just stressing the hell out of herself and effecting her own health while all anyone can do is watch as she piles herself with more and more stress.

(more on this down below...)

The series is becoming the very thing Vivziepop herself said that she was against a year or so back- a mainstream, overproduced, fame focused franchise from a big name studio (Spindlehorse) that mistreats the people it promises to help. Does this franchise even need the "indie" title anymore? It has big name actors, thousands of pieces of merchandising, hundreds of artists, and millions of dollars behind it. It might as well just be another big name studio's sellout cartoon. Studio mistreatment, overproduction, constant merchandising, and all. Its gone from " a little passion project that was made to get away from the harsh conditions of large studio production"- to a "bigger is better" capitalistic, sell out of it's former self. Sure, there's passion left, but not enough to where there's actual care for those who produce it. It's come to a point where both Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss are now as close to a "capitalism embracing, big name cartoon" that a "indie" franchise can get. A big name, capitalism embracing, money hoarding, big name cartoon. The very thing indie creators go freelance to stay away from, in the first place! Now, it takes advantage of it's "indie" label to trick freelance artists into going back into the very conditions they were trying to avoid. Truly, a depressing case of a indie creator letting both fame, fortune, and validation take control of their intentions, with their treatment of others along with it.

AKA: The Butch Hartman story. Except its being speedrun by a scene girl with a show full of suit wearing sparkledog furries.

(Not that theres anything wrong with the other details (sparkledogs are nice away from animation.) but you get the idea 😞)

[p5x-theories]

I wonder if we're going to see the evil God that's obviously f-ing everything up around the same time that we see true Yaldabaoth in P5 or if they're going to draw the story out? If they draw the story out it might get stale but I'm also not sure how having the game being so short would affect its longevity. I suppose they could do a second campaign too... but I can't imagine piling Palaces into the game wouldn't greatly affect the file size

Well, at least in terms of file size, I can confirm that Version 2.0 was a big update download, but mostly because they actually rearranged/condensed a lot of files, which ultimately meant the game wasn't actually much bigger once the update was complete! So I don't think we have to worry about that too much right now.

As for your wondering about- essentially- game pacing, I'm honestly surprised the collab's been progressing through the story this fast, but I really wonder whether it'll go past Sae's Palace. Sae's Palace is relevant on some level to P5X's story, so it makes sense to go that far, and is also the last Palace where a new teammate is added (in the original game). Shido's Palace might make sense as well, depending on how quickly they go through the five poisons; we've seen 2/5 with the first three chapters of the collab, but that could just mean Futaba's will be one, Okumura's will be another, and then Sae's will be the last, unless they double up again. I could see them having a chapter after Sae's Palace where the Phantom Thieves all finally find out what was actually causing these Metaverse pockets to form (and presumably defeat it), and maybe that could even be set in Shido's Palace? But I'd be genuinely surprised if they went past Shido, and put the Depths of Mementos and Yaldabaoth in the collab, to be honest! ... Partially just because of how protective Atlus seems to be about spoilers, heh. If the idea of a Persona Gacha Game was to help draw in new players, why would they give away part of their big endgame twist?

As for "drawing the story out", we know there are seven Palaces in P5X's story. It took almost two months for them to add the third Palace's story arc, and we were warned before that story updates may need to be spaced out more (or maybe broken into smaller pieces?) in the future, as time goes on and more work is needed. I don't think they're "drawing out" anything so much as being practical about their workload, but I also cannot image the main story getting completed anytime soon. Even if they are able to keep up roughly the same pace and size for story updates, the collab's going way faster! We got three collab chapters in the time it took them to add two story chapters. At the speed they're going now, we'd get Futaba, Okumura, and Sae's Palaces before chapter 4 of P5X's story, haha.

So... in other words, I don't think the game file size is a concern, but what is a concern is how quickly they can put things together and the rate at which it gets added to the game, not to mention Atlus' overzealous spoiler policy. I don't expect to see Yaldabaoth in the collab, though maybe they'll give us something else to fight, but I do expect the current collab to end long before P5X's story does.

... Wait, I just reread your ask, and realized that by "in P5" you may have meant relative to P5 itself's pacing, rather than in the collab, heh? In that case, I mean, again, I don't think that's nearly as short a period of time as you're selling it here. If we got a full story chapter added every two months, we still wouldn't get through the seven Palaces until March (nearly a year after the open beta launched), and presumably there will be at least one more area to run through in order to fight the Yaldabaoth equivalent, so the game's main story would hypothetically end in May. And that's not even factoring in the slowdowns they warned us will probably happen! I suspect once we do finally get to the end, there will probably be a break in story updates, and then they'll start on some new plot that we'd normally expect from a spinoff game, like a hypothetical Strikers equivalent, rather than padding out their original story plan.

That is to say, I'm not too worried about the plot getting intentionally drawn out just to keep the game going? They've got a lot to get through, and a lot of work to do to even get there, heh.

[emotionallyrin]

im not doing better

this post is kinda an update, it's a proof that i'm still thinking about this platform and in full a talk about what i've been doing and how i'm still alive. showing how i'm still needing help and unable to get it.

may, for 3 weeks straight i couldn't think and had to purely spend all my focus on college. my brain was a mess, i was tired and it was normal. college students were expected to have a heavy workload so it wasn't like my struggling was abnormal and needed help. it just didn't help with my depression.

mostly these 3 weeks kinda acted as some form of therapy, i got my mind of what shitty thoughts i had and onto something else. it was stressful but it removed the thoughts i had for a brief period; also i leaned more into my kpop addiction during this time and it really helped me feel happy.

i finished those 3 weeks, took a short break and cleaned my room. felt that things were good for once. the title lied, i'm doing somewhat better but it's like the world hates me. in the last few days alone its been trying to bring up everything to make me hate myself.

old pictures of a friend i lost, pictures i thought i deleted coming back to haunt me and remind me of the grief i felt over that time. they're not dead, they just betrayed me heavily. it hurt. seeing them again made me feel dragged down, like a void was pulling me back to my roots and i was unable to escape. just as i thought i reached happiness- it ended with me getting so blinded by rage i hurt my hand and laid empty for a while.

throughout the month, although i was distracted a lot, i did write a few draft vents. things i needed to get out but never could at the time because time constraints i had or the inability to draw strength to write what i wanted, now i have the time and lack of care. half way through my pit of hell i thought of my ex again, and it hurt for a while. seems cliche and annoying, brooding over my ex, and it was. it hurt though.

on the positive, since that day i haven't felt all too bad about my ex. not as bad as i used to at least, being fully detached for 2 straight months has helped. april felt like the last month i had to deal with torture around that issue. in general, that month was mostly me alone. it was peaceful and a grind, i felt dead mostly. telling myself to meet the deadline on repeat like i was about to collapse. my brain felt numb, my headaches were loud, my brain almost split.

this past week of rest, has been amazing. i had a few days feeling like i was truly happy for once, thinking why do i need to be guilty that i'm over depression. then things slowly tumbled over and over. the nightmares started again; an old friend who died 2 years ago slowly pops into my dreams. i hate it. it's why i go to see his grave, like i'm paying respects to show i still remember so memories don't hurt me.

we weren't all too close but i'm sentimental i guess- apparently funerals does something to me. it's like my phobia with blood; i wasn't scared before i saw it but then it's now one of the only things i'm scared of.

my birthday is on wednesday. i have a headache, it really hurts. i feel like i'm going to cry alone that day or do something i regret. a friend i have, a lot closer than the other one, had his brother die recently. so recent actually he's not showing up to classes anymore. i didn't know his brother all too well but i'm going to the funeral for him- i'm very empathetic so i don't know how it will go. the funeral is on my birthday. i think i'm going to breakdown and cry.

[theonlinebrat]

What's the ring around an angel's head?

(see the joke)

Dear reader,

I need you to be honest with me here.

Do phone calls make you feel fearful or nervous at all?

In my case, they do. Call it telephonophobia if you'd like, but whether they're outbound or inbound calls, just no.

Luckily, incoming calls are an extremely rare occurrence in my daily life, other than my carefully planned work meetings, and I don't really have the need to call anyone, either. Thank the Lord for social media and SMS, setting aside the negatives.

It's not that bad of a fear, though. I'm okay with phone calls from friends and a few family members every now and then, but not as much with unknown numbers. It's the not being able to predict what they'll say that drives me mad, I guess.

Which is ironic, because I worked in customer service and dispatching for a year, nonetheless.

Back in those days, this is what waking up every morning felt like (knowing that I had a full-time shift ahead):

So I don't really regret leaving that life behind. In the slightest.

While it did make me feel much better to be able to rehearse what I'd say before a call and to have a vague idea of its possible outcomes, that didn't make the job any more enjoyable for people like me.

Coming up with something worthwhile to say in under a week is already a big challenge for me, let alone in less than a second. My brain's CPU must not have enough capacity for that type of task, leaving me drained after a whole day of trying.

Surprisingly, there was a time in which I was making a great effort to overcome my fear of talking back in 2018. I was doing it out of spite, actually.

You see, a convenience store owner mocked my mom because I was terrified of calling over a newspaper carrier that was passing by once. I got so angry at him that I decided I wouldn't let my shyness get in my way too much ever again.

I went all-in, running all kinds of errands for my family with seeming confidence, plus this one instance of having the ovaries to order a super personal thin crispy ham pizza over the phone and get the delivery myself. And, yes, that's how I could've ordered it in just one short sentence instead of going through 3 questions, had I checked their website before dialing.

Jumping to late 2021, as the adrenaline from my newfound outgoing and social self started to wear off, I ended up landing my very first job as a call center agent the day I finished my first year of college.

I dropped out of college as soon as I got hired, because Accounting and my family weren't any more tolerable than angry customers, and up to this day I admire that Naomi's courage in getting emancipated at the same time she was trying to overcome these telephonophobia-ish issues.

It was an okay experience. I was assigned to a tech support position where we worked with restaurant managers mostly, and needed to study the product to know how to troubleshoot it, meaning customers saw us in a very different light from that of telecommunications or retail agents.

We also dealt with way fewer daily customers, because calls lasted anywhere from 1 minute to 6 hours, and my department, in particular, had up to 1+ hour of no calls coming through (a.k.a "waiting") sometimes.

The work ambiance was overall good from my perspective as a newbie. So much, that I missed it every day once I got promoted and relocated to another, delivery-related, more peculiar client.

That one I hated thanks to my boss, plus the distance between my house and the office didn't help, either. Still, I preferred it a hundred times over "going back to the phones".

The dread I felt every time I heard that little beep-y song before an incoming call was very, very real.

Anyway.

Fast forward to the time I was 4 months into my second job as a dispatcher for a garage company. I hated it.

The workload was considerably lighter in comparison to my previous roles, and I was thrilled about working from home, but I just couldn't take the morning dread anymore, as their customers were often angry and I wasn't trained enough for it and quit.

Had I not done that, I wouldn't have found the closest there is to my dream job in this industry just a month and a job abandonment later. So, I'm living proof that you also need to know when to give up and give in to your intuition.

I'd be ecstatic if we, as a society, finally accepted that this would be the world if we transitioned from call-based customer support to a chat-based, or at least 50-50 one:

I don't care how many articles and corporate training modules out there insist on how vital phone calls are, no human being loves being yelled at by some psycho who thinks they're entitled to venting over the phone in such a rude manner with someone who's not even at fault for their problem.

But, of course, it's much easier to talk about the importance of leaving a good impression on even the most annoying of your clients as a super-rich CEO who hasn't met any of their customer support agents, let alone said clients.

I do get the part of wanting to have a business-client connection, the human touch, and whatnot, but I feel like there are many situations where we can avoid the whole phone call thing for a more convenient, less intrusive chat experience.

Let's take BAC Credomatic (bank) and PedidosYa (delivery services), to demonstrate.

They both have functional apps from which you can get stuff done anywhere, anytime along with efficient chat-based customer support lines that allow you to get most issues fixed immediately or have your requests submitted over a quick 1-5 minute chat.

As their customer, I feel extremely satisfied in that regard. Then again, I've had a few inconveniences with their services in the first place...

Sadly, since barely anyone enjoys being a phone agent and chatting is still in the process of gaining popularity in the customer service industry, the so-called "backend" positions that encompass messaging and emailing tend to be used as incentives instead of actual positions you can apply to from the start.

Kinda sucks to be an introvert or have any type of social anxiety as both a customer with a big problem at hand and a customer service representative, you know?

I'm not completely against phone calls now that I don't have to experience a constant fear of dealing with an angry person at some point throughout the day, but still believe that chat is my personal strong suit.

It has a few noteworthy advantages over calls such as:

The fastness in being able to individually tackle more than one chat at a time.

The comfort of being able to think your answer through for a bit before sending it.

You could have a dog barking next to your phone and it wouldn't affect the conversation… if you don't want it to.

The fact messaging using Meta apps doesn't pull out as much mobile data as the calls do.

Of course, one disadvantage is it doesn't necessarily ensure a real-time conversation. And funnily, that's an advantage, too! It means you don't really need to wake up at midnight to talk with someone on the other side of the planet. Also, while it feels comforting to hear a nice human voice, it's just as possible to lie or be lied to during a phone call as it is when texting someone.

At this point, the overall safest communication method would be video calls if it wasn't possible to use filters or fake them in any other way altogether.

Technology's scary, isn't it?

That's why, if I were to provide sensitive information, I wouldn't be capable of ignoring who could be lurking behind these screens. Would much rather do delicate stuff at a reputable branch of whatever business I'm trusting it with than one that can't even have that decency.

This leads me to the question, are there cases where calls are better than chatting or writing? Absolutely, even I'd be willing to call someone I haven't seen in months.

But the fact that everyone, including blind and handless people, can choose between calling and chatting is a beautiful thing.

Our real peak as humanity is precisely this ability to have preferences of ours, no matter who we are.

And by now you probably figured out mine is texting.

You'll just never ever catch me choosing to call someone instead of sending them a message as part of my daily activities.

What about you? Do you prefer writing your thoughts, or talking them?

Until next time!

- N

[huydx]

Why time zone is hard (for some people)

At the end of 2022, I left Square and made yet another move to a new company.

Square is a great company. We shared the same mission, build the best ecosystem for merchants (and later became economy empowering).

My team helped build tools to save millions for merchants from fraud, and bad charge-backs, and I am proud to be a part of it.

However, I had one big thing that pulled me back from contributing more to the company: Time-zone.

My team has less than 10 members distributed across 3 time zones PST, EST, and JST. Square has most of its employees located in either PST or EST. To give you a sense of why it’s problematic:

8am (JST) == 3pm (PST) == 6pm (ETS). Monday in JST is Sunday in both EST and PST (which means I can’t collaborate with anyone on Monday)

I’m 100% not a morning person

Look at (1), JST has only 2 or 3 hours of overlap with PST, and almost zero overlaps with EST. This caused the first problem, we need to organize our syncs in the very early morning or very late night of JST (since JST is a minor branch, prioritizing over US time zone which has more people, is a requirement). We picked the “early morning” option, which is bad for me obviously lol.

As a good friend of mine, you suggested a few improvements:

Just become a morning person! Exercise every morning! Problem solved, yay!

Work smarter, use asynchronous communication, read Rework and Remote (books by DHH / Jason)

(1) sounds easy. I did wake up early (to be honest, I must since my kid wakes up early as well to go to daycare). But waking up early, is not necessarily the same as “waking up early and doing tons of work at full speed, using full energy in the morning”.

Imagine every morning

You wake up and a thread of hundred Slack messages is waiting for you.

You take 10 minutes to read through ALL of them to make sure you didn’t miss any important things while helping your kid to go to daycare (of course he doesn’t cooperate).

You eat a break first in 5 minutes and join early Google Meet to discuss things that you just read from Slack.

It takes 2, 3 hours for all the meetings and finally you have some time for yourself, try to write some codes but find that it’s already lunchtime.

You eat lunch, take a break and you find that you’re already out of energy. But you know that you need to work hard, and you try to write some code. But you found that the code that you need to write needs some confirmation from you co-workers who already took off 🤦‍♂️.

Not all of my days happen like that, but most.

For (2), my team and I did try a lot to address those issues. I feel grateful to my manager as well as my co-workers for being supportive and aligning their schedules to follow our timezone (having meetings at 6 pm everyday is not a pleasant experience).

We also wrote a lot. Square’s culture is obsessed with documents. I wrote much more documents than code. Every discussion of our team started with “where is your design doc”.

I had a list of “blockers” in my notion, which I used to put in Slack scheduler to be sent at the midnight to all stakeholders so that I could check their responses the next day’s morning.

We also had a following-the-sun on-call rotation, with a complex model of primary and sub so that the workload is fairly shared between members, but not so biased that could block our customers who are mostly based in the US.

So what was wrong?

The problem is, my team, and myself is not everything. The company is everything. Dealing with time zones requires the whole company's effort. Many important company meetings happen at our midnight. My role requires a lot of communication across organizations, but communication with other teams is just laggy (every single ping-pong cost us at least a day). Also, our on-call rotation model wasn’t worked well since most customer supports and outages happen in US time zone, which puts more burden on our team there.

Time zone is hard, but time zone with full remote work (and Covid) is much harder. It’s very hard for me to feel being a part of the company. Until I left the company, I still wasn’t able to meet all of my peers who were based in the US, face to face.

I tried to understand the reasons why my company wasn’t the best fit for multi time zones model:

We built the company from the ground up with most of the workforce and customers who are based in a single time zone (or closed time zone).

Our Japan engineer team wasn’t doing Japan-related work, with Japan-based stakeholders, but mostly US-based projects, which just caused a lot of blockers.

Covid blocked us from being more “social”, and prevent us to have offline team all-hands.

Well, I’m not trying to complain or blame anything or anyone. I was just trying to say that remote work, while sounds very fancy and could be awesome for some teams or companies, could just be super hard for others, especially with multiple time zones.

[theanxiousstudentblog]

Why I Didn’t Post Last Year

Since its World Mental Health Day I thought today would be a good time to explain why I didn’t post on here last year. If you’ve followed me for a while, you will know that my mental health issues have caused me to struggle in traditional academic settings. This reached a climax when I was told that I needed to withdraw from my course at a traditional university, leading to me beginning at the OU. It’s safe to say that this experience completely obliterated all of the confidence I had about my place in an academic setting. Is this really somewhere that I can thrive? Or more specifically, is this system even designed for people like me to succeed? I think these questions in terms of traditional academic settings are still very much up for debate however through the OU I found a place where I could once again begin to grow my confidence and work towards both my academic and mental health goals.

Which leads me to the beginning of 2nd year... At this point, I was nearly finished with my EMDR sessions for c-PTSD, and I felt that I was ready to make the switch to full-time study. This was a really big step for me, both in terms of workload and my own self-belief. You see, even though I didn’t tell my friends or family at the time, I was terrified that this would be where I would once again fail. As dramatic as it sounds, this felt like I was once again heading towards a cliff edge that I would, ultimately, fall off of. Up until this point, I felt in a way that I was still kidding myself because I was only taking the course part-time. Let me make it clear I don’t think there is anything wrong with part-time education. On the contrary, it allowed me to balance all of my needs and help me to repair my relationship with the education system. However, there’s a difference between choosing to take this option over full-time and being told that full-time was just not something that you COULD do. I wanted to prove the people at my old university wrong, but more importantly, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

So, with that in mind, I began my 2nd year at the OU. It was really tough. As much as I loved the course that I was doing, trying to balance two modules alongside any bad mental health days I had was difficult. The OU were absolutely amazing, but I still found myself falling behind, mostly because one of my defence mechanisms when I see myself beginning to “fail” is to completely disengage with everything and everyone. Safe to say, I was overwhelmed. Despite this I managed to make sure all of my assignments were in on time, even if it did mean working on them all the way up until the final possible moment! But I decided to take a break from this blog. I think in a way it was because I was ashamed to say I was struggling. I made this blog because I wanted to prove that people like me can reach their goals and push against the constant current that often seems to be trying to drown us. So it felt almost like a sham to turn around and actually say “Right now, I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t think I can do this”. I always try to frame my posts in a positive light but at that time I didn’t see a way to spin it into anything other than what it was: me struggling with full-time education. In retrospect, I realise that that in itself was a win. I was doing something that a couple years ago I thought I would never do again. Did I really think I wouldn’t struggle? Moreover, would it really be a grand achievement if I finished the year easily and with no road-bumps? Now that the feeling of shame and embarrassment has finally began to dissipate, I am starting to look at the difficulty I had in 2nd year with more clarity. Namely, I am beginning to see that I didn’t finish the year DESPITE the struggle, I finished the year BECAUSE OF IT. If there was a moment that I stopped finding it difficult, it would have most likely been because I had given up. Sometimes simply living through the struggle, not trying to beat it, is the biggest possible win. Looking back at the year, I am proud of myself for struggling and this year I want to blog about my true feelings, cause struggling means that you haven’t given up.

[athanatosora]

If someone were to donate you 50 dollars to do a chapter of a specific fanfic you have unfinished, would you do it?

the cost of me confronting my past sins is too expensive for anyone to afford

[bbiemochi]

Omg hi sooooo BSJDJEJE nazuna brainrot. so UMMM can i request anthing hurt/comfort nazuna related :3

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚕 | nazuna nito x reader

[an]: hi, lovely! <3 tysm for requesting! ^^ i relate because ikr nazuna is so goddamn precious (*´꒳`*) quite understandable why he is mostly in everyone’s brainrot session lmfao must be protected

summary: it’s often hard to communicate about your feelings to anyone, including if they already had their own problems to take care of. yet you never could imagine a ball of sunshine to brighten your day and your smile to this world.

pairing: nazuna nito x gn!reader!

genre: small angst, fluff at the end! hurt/comfort

ah, this sucks..

not only were you feeling terrible today, stuck with a workload of homework and projects, even with a position as the producer for ra*bits piled up over your sleeve, but have to hear some of your friends rant over to you even if you weren’t in the mood to hear anyone out.

you were tired, you wished everyone would know that.

ranting out was…hard. you haven’t told anyone honestly about your feelings of what you think. it was difficult. so difficult. you thought, ‘oh nonsense i would be able to spit it out one day, i just need time.’ that one day became full years of loneliness. you hated yourself more for it. although, it is was it is. living with it was your choice now, not anyone else’s.

pushing the last book back on its shelf, you looked down, face drowned in an emotionless expression as you tried your best to clear your thoughts about the past and what you’ve been through. the library was a good spot for clearing mindsets. that’s why here you are, putting back the books you finished reading. these senses were normal, it’s not like they happen once a month (mostly every day or week you would say). still, you considered try calling help or rant on the internet to let a reliever, but even that was a difficult task. you sighed.

‘what am i even doing? i need to hurry up for today’s practice for ra*bits. tomoya is probably worrying about me…we don’t want that to happen now..’ at least your thoughts were still clinging on. just as you were about to leave, you heard a couple more students standing up from their desks from behind you—leaving the books they left opened on the table, not even bothering to put them back. an irk mark popped through your head. honestly…you were too tired for this.

another deep sigh escaped your lips as you made your way towards the desks and picked up the books that were left. and here you though university students had the small bit of decency in themselves when it comes to public matters. that thought added to your head just pissed you off even more. ahh, you were close to breaking down. with this emotion running you through it might be obvious for the others around you to know that you’re in a bad mood.

as you pushed the books back in place on the shelf, you failed to realize that your hand pushed them off back too far away, making the books from behind fall off their own place, leaving a ‘thud!’ only loud enough for you or the others around your area to hear. the shelf left a small hole from behind, allowing to peek through the eye of what was going on over the back. you cursed silently under your breath. ‘goddamn it!’ fuck this.

before you could even go to pick those books up, you spot a certain familiar face staring right at you from the hole. you froze in place, then…

“ah! found you!”

“n-nii-chan..!?”

nazuna was quick to approach your figure after he picked the books right back up. as the male skipped his way over to you, an adorable smile stretched over his face, as if he was excited to see that you’re here. “found you, y/n! aha! tomoya has been looking for you, you know? turns out you were just here.”

“uhh…yeah, sorry. i just had to clear my mind with some books. but don’t worry about me…! i was actually going to make my way there for the practice, you can head over there first i’ll follow after,” you told him, and he seemed to only had a curious gaze over your face, not saying anything at all. you nervously smiled at him, “ahaha..! i’ll be alright i promise. i’ll just fix these books, grab my stuff, then i’ll head over there as soon as i can.”

another thin line of silence erupts.

you felt even more sheepish with the awkwardness growing between the atmosphere. is it just you or did the room grow colder? nazuna continued to focus his stares towards your figure, saying nothing with a finger attached to his chin as if he was thinking. a cold sweat ran down your forehead, “nii-chan, what’s wrong?”

“are you alright?”

“eh?” that question seemed to appear out of nowhere. nazuna places both of his arms down his hips, his face still not changing away. “are you doing alright, y/n?” he asks again, and it took you a while to progress the answer. of course, you laughed it off after a moment of a 30 second silence. “aha..! of course i’m alright, what are you talking about?” you chuckled, and nazuna chuckles back, brushing the hem of his neck. “oh, i see. i thought something might have happened to you and i was worried..” he says, and you smiled softly, gripping the books on your hands, “i’m fine, nii-chan. now you go on now, sorry i had to make you look for me here.”

“oh, it’s fine actually. i was also here to just take a small stroll but, at least i found you!” he chirps, before turning around to head back out. “you sure you don’t want me to wait for you so we can go there together?”

“i would just be taking up time, it’s fine, honest! i’ll meet up with you guys later like i said. don’t worry about me..!” you reassured the male. he smiles at you one last time before heading off out of the library. after his presence was absent from your view, you slowly slid down on the floor, making sure no one was around and…cried.

you cried as silently as you could, trying your best not to catch the attention of the others around the public area. you just couldn’t hold it in anymore. it has been a pretty long time since someone asked you that question. ‘are you alright?’

no, you weren’t. everything is just shit, crashing apart to you—and it blows. you hated yourself, and you hated everything. you quickly wiped the fat tears off of your eyes with your sleeves, sniffing off as quiet as you could. if only…if only ranting was easy.

as you placed your head down to your knees, trying to calm yourself down, you heard a bunch of books falling to your side of the shelf, causing you to flinch and turn around to see what it was. around 3 to 5 books were fallen off of the bookshelf, and it wasn’t just that.

“i knew it.” a familiar voice spoke out of the hole from the shelf. you jumped, turning over to see who it was and you were correct. it was nazuna.

“n-nii-chan!? w-why are you…?”

“still here? you really thought i would leave you like that, y/n? your face was literally screaming ‘no, i’m not doing ok,” he explains, and your eyes followed him as he stood up and walked over to your side. as the male sat beside you, the books he pushed off now in his arms and sat on his lap, he pulls you close to his side, shoulders now touching. “i’m not a kid, y/n. i know when a person is ok or not. and you’re, one of them that i read,” he says, and you felt embarrassed at the moment he just looks at your sobbing state.

“hey, don’t cover your face. it’s ok to cry.”

“it’s embarrassing.”

“no, it’s not. trust me, we all need to go through that. and honestly? it’s all good.” you looked at his beautiful ruby eyes, his smile turning into a comfort zone, he slowly brushed a strand of your hair off of your face as your tears steadily poured down his shoulder. and when he stared at you like that you just…spat everything out.

you told him everything that was bothering you, and surprisingly he listened. he listened so attentively. all his attention was driven to you. he really was like an older brother. but you didn’t just view him like that. he was…he was…

“who cares what they think at all? if they can’t respect you why would you respect them? what you did was brilliant, y/n. i am not proud of how they treated you at all,” he says to you, and you chuckled. for real this time. nazuna wiped the small tear that fell off your cheek, and sighed. “you know, it is a rough patch when you go through things like that in life. it’s a difficult obstacle to go at. tomoya and the others also faced through things like that, don’t worry. you’re not alone. i’m here with you. we’re here with you,” nazuna takes a grab of your hand…and you squeezed it.

“if you think about it, it’s not that world that’s scary. it was us that made the view of others so terrifying…” he continued. “the world is beautiful. you just need to keep going no matter how hard the course is. besides, without you, ra*bits would’ve been confused without such a reliable producer in our group, don’t you think?” he cheers, and you couldn’t help but smile.

“i’m glad you finally let your voice out. are you doing alright now? just tell me if i’m missing something out, i would like to hear the entire entireee story!” he questions, and you shook your head, laughing at his expression. “no, i promise this time i’m alright. thank you, thank you so much, ni-chan…” you say, and he shot you a beam. his smile really was more beautiful than this world. “the next time i hear you look down on yourself, i’m going to spank you!”

you laughed. after a while, you felt your throat was free from a cord that was cut off. and everything about your body felt so…relieved. this was the first time you felt like this. and it was amazing. slowly, you laid your head down on nazuna’s shoulder, and you could feel him wince.

“the world is beautiful…because you’re in it.”

a/n: I HATE THIS I’M SO SORRY RUSJFJSNS I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A BIT RUSHED 😭😭😭

requests: opened!

[aces-sweetheart]

break

♥  pairing: sanji x gn!reader

♡ description: FLUFF; When working from home becomes too much, Sanji is always there with something sweet.

♥  warnings/info: some angst but mostly fluff/comfort, modern!au, reader works from home.

♥   ♡   ♥

Working from home was nowhere near as relaxing as you assumed it would be. Your eyes felt like they were on fire after staring at a screen for so long and your back ached with every small movement. Every day you found yourself in the same position; seated at your desk, laptop open and the pile of work you had to do steadily piling up. For every project you finished, two more seemed to take its place.

You thought your boss would be sympathetic and lighten your workload considering the circumstances that led you to work from home but apparently not. On top of the insane amount of work you were given, you couldn’t go one day without receiving some sort of criticism from your boss. Even if the project was finished with the instructions followed to a T, he still found something to pick apart no matter how inane it was. Today’s daily grievance was he didn’t like the font size you used for your latest project. Despite how small the complaint was it made tears spring to your eyes, the stress of everything finally becoming too much. You put your head down and took deep breaths to calm yourself.

That’s how Sanji found you. He knew you were stressed and had been so excited to show you what he spent the last few hours working on but he almost panicked at the state you were in. It seems you were doing worse than he thought and the realization made his stomach churn. He ran over and knelt beside you, a comforting hand on your back.

“What’s wrong, my love?” His hand gently rubbed circles on your back. He reached over to lace your fingers together and placed a kiss on your knuckles, an action that made you smile but it didn’t quite reach your eyes.

“Work is just…” You took a breath to try and stop yourself from crying. “A lot. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so stressed.” At the sounds of your sobbing, he wrapped his arms around you and let you cry into his shoulder. He never stopped rubbing your back or pressing his lips to your forehead as you released all the negative emotions you’d let pile up inside of you for weeks. “I need a break Sanji.”

The pained look in your eyes broke his heart but luckily he was prepared. Slowly, he guided you to stand up and used the hand on your back to guide you. You didn’t know where he was taking you or why but you knew it was going to make you happy; the cook always knew how to cheer you up. He led you to the small dining room table and pulled your chair out for you, pushing you in when you sat down. In front of you was a bouquet of fresh flowers in a vase and a table setting. You noted the plate and a drink were missing. Your boyfriend left one last kiss on your head before walking to the kitchen. It only took him a few seconds to return.

“Here you go darling.” Your mouth watered at the sight of the fluffy slice of cheesecake in front of you. A dollop of whipped cream, no doubt handmade since Sanji would rather be caught dead than using a store-bought one, was on top of the cake. Strawberry syrup lined the plate in an elegant design full of swirls and spirals, accented with strawberries cut into hearts. Next to the plate was a steaming latte; he had even gone through the trouble of drawing a foam heart on it. You felt like crying again but for a completely different reason.

“Sanji.” You didn’t even have the words to describe how much this meant to you. Everything was so overwhelming and this was a much needed pick me up. “Thank you so much.”

“Of course my darling.” He bowed slightly before sitting across from you. His fingers laced with yours as he watched you take a bite of the cake. The flavor burst on your tongue and you couldn’t help but sigh happily. The latte was just as delicious and the warmth helped you calm down, your muscles relaxing with each sip. Sanji watched you eat and took in all your reactions. He loved you so much and he loved making you happy so the amount of hard work he put into making this was worth it in his opinion. You snapped him out of his daze by holding your fork with a strawberry  on it to his mouth. He accepted the fruit and squeezed your hand. It had only taken you moments to finish the treat and the coffee.

You had gotten some foam on your lip so he swiped it off with his thumb, a lovestruck expression plastered on his face; it was a mirror image of your own. The urge to clean everything off the table as soon as possible due to his years working in a restaurant was strong but he fought it off. This peaceful moment needed to be properly enjoyed so he pushed his tendencies aside. Instead he focused on the warmth of your hand and the blissful smile on your face as you did the same.    

[r3almellow]

Pregnancy Headcanons/Scenario: Gavin

I hope you don’t mind, but I just decided to make this into a pregnancy headcanon post! I figured it would be easier to explain what our Bird Cop would do and how he’d handle things overall. 

Warning: Pregnancy 

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How you tell him

You became suspicious after not being able to keep certain foods down  the sudden fatigue and a week into you missing your period.

It was only a matter of time before you got pregnant. There were a lot of times when both of you were so caught up in the heat of the moment and neglected to use protection.

The minute you find out, you’re coming up with different ways to tell him. 

You’ve gone from thinking about buying matching leather biker jackets one with “Biker Dad” and the other “Biker Baby” embroidered on the back to telling him over dinner at a nice restaurant. 

So many ideas, but you settled for something simple. Buying two house plants to add to your homes collection. Both were succulents that matched with the one he currently owned, Greenie, but had their own unique traits. 

You excitedly show him the new plants when he gets home from work. 

 “I even came up with names!” You point to one that was predominantly green with a pink outline. “This one is Cutie because I thought it looked cute.” Then you point to the smallest one and suddenly the anxiety within you starts to bubble. 

“And this one is Baby.” He looks at you confused. “Baby?”

“B-baby...” You say again this time shifting awkwardly, not as confident as you had been before. “Because its so small...” 

He repeats the word once more as if trying to understand its meaning and as the seconds go by the anxiety builds further. Maybe you weren’t straightforward enough in your efforts to surprise him. 

As if a lightbulb dings in his mind, his face lights up and suddenly you’re in his arms, enveloped in the tightest of hugs. 

If there was any doubt in your mind that Gavin wasn’t going to accept you or the baby, that gets thrown out the window. He’s beyond happy because this is all he’s ever wanted. 

Having a family with you was only something he believed could only be achieved in a dream. 

“I’m going to be a... We’re going to be... You have no idea how happy I am. I promise I’ll..” He trails off as if to catch himself and pulls out of the hug. His elated expression turning serious. 

“I-I mean...if you want to. Whatever you want to do I’ll stand by you.” No surprise that Gavin puts your needs and happiness before his own. 

You can only smile up at him with misty eyes. “I want to have this baby with you.” 

During the pregnancy

Spoils the hell out of you! Whatever you want, he’ll get it. No matter how far or what time it is, your man will go through hell and back to make sure you’re satisfied. 

Want chocolate covered gummy bears with cinnamon sprinkled all over them, but the only store that’s open at 3AM is halfway across town? Say no more. 

Even when you don’t want to bother him, Gavin will take it upon himself to get even the smallest of things for you.

Will go to all of your appointments and parenting classes even if it means taking on less missions. Don’t even try to convince him to do otherwise. If he has to choose between you and work, it’ll be you every time. 

If, for whatever reason, he can’t be with you for a doctor appointment, he sends Minor in his place.

You do have an electric guardian angel watching over you as well, so even when Gavin’s away you’re not entirely alone.

As the months go on, Gavin will become very protective of you and refuses to let you lift a finger. 

He cooks all the dinners when he’s home and does all the housework. Won’t even let you pick up a broom. 

Massages! Tons of massages! The minute you start complaining about your feet or back, his hands are ready.

Work? While he won’t stop you from working until way later into your pregnancy, he will try to convince you to take on a lesser workload. 

He maaaaaay take a quick trip over to LFG to talk to your investor, just so the man knows not to stress you out. Don’t worry he’s just gonna talk to him. 

Handles your mood swings surprisingly well. Half of the time its because he does whatever you want and the other half is because he hates seeing you cry or upset. 

Only a handful of times has he been strict about certain things that could potentially harm you. Not even your cutest of pouts can change his mind when he wants to protect you and the baby. 

Has a few parenting books lying around and will be a bit embarrassed if you gush about how hard he’s trying to prepare. 

Once your stomach starts growing and you start to feel insecure about your appearance, Gavin will do all he can do reassure you that you are the most beautiful woman on the planet and that he’s lucky to be in the presence of someone so perfect. 

For every part of you that you highlight as being unattractive he’ll kiss it. 

You don’t like how big your breasts have gotten? You hate the sight of your stretchmarks or how your shirts can no longer cover your protruding stomach? Expect a barrage of kisses your way. 

Gavin will fight every doubt you have so he can make his girl feel beautiful. 

Speaking of your body, Gavin would be a liar if he said he didn’t love the changes happening to your body for his own selfish reasons. 

You going up two bra sizes has been nothing but a blessing in Gavin’s eyes. Of course you’ve always been perfect to him, but you know...

Has offered to massage your breasts whenever you talk about them being too sensitive. Most of the time you take him up on that offer knowing full well that he wants more than just to ease you of your discomfort.

Not that you’re complaining because the way your sexual appetite has opened since being pregnant and having a man who wants to do nothing but please you like the service top he is?! You’re in heaven! 

By the time you’re in your 3rd trimester its hard for you to do the simplest of things, so expect Gavin to offer his services. 

Even showering has become difficult so he’s more than happy to help while you’re riddled with embarrassment.

“This is so embarrassing...”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about. It’s not like I haven’t see any of this before.”

There will be times when Gavin will feel nervous about parenting. He won’t bring such feelings to your attention, but if you pick up on it make sure to shower him with words of encouragement. 

 “You’re a good man, Gavin, and I know you’ll be a great father.” “Starting a family with someone who is as loving and caring as you, I can honestly say I’m lucky.” “Our baby is going to have parents who will love them unconditionally.” “They’ll love you just as much as I do.” “Just think, all the other parents will be so jealous over how amazing our kid will be. They’ll have your looks and sense of duty and my...well....everything else!”

If you’re not already married, at some point he’ll ask you to marry him, but will assure you that you being pregnant isn’t the reason he’s asking. This has been something he’s been thinking about for a while now. Your pregnancy just pushes him to actually take the step. 

He probably already had a ring picked out way before all of this. 

And don’t worry, he’s not just going to ask all casual-like. He’ll put a lot of thought into how and when to ask you. Who knows, maybe your little bundle of joy will be present by the time the wedding actually happens. 

The weeks leading up to your due date his job has been very accommodating, giving him work that doesn’t require him to be too far from you and is mostly him directing his subordinates from a safe distance (as per your request). 

Labor

When your water breaks you’re in the car with your prepacked hospital bag and make it to the hospital in record time.

Gavin is a nervous wreck, but he doesn’t let it show. This isn’t about him. This is about you and this new life you were about to bring into the world.

Of course he’ll be with you the whole time. The whole twelve to thirteen hours you spend in labor he doesn’t move an inch unless its to give the doctor space. 

Gavin wants to see it all and be of help to you in anyway possible. If the doctor asked him to deliver the baby he’d do it in a heartbeat.

When its time, Gavin is all in and does his best to provide you comfort in anyway he can. 

Seeing you cry and breathing heavily as the doctor instructs you to push and not being able to take the pain away is hard for him. 

All he can do is hold your hand, every so often kissing the back of it and giving you words of encouragement. 

“You’re doing great, beautiful.” “Breathe. Just like that.” “I know...just keep breathing and push, okay?” 

You can curse him out if you want or squeeze his hand reducing it to nothing but a compressed remnant of what use to be; he doesn’t care. Use him to relieve you of the pain. 

By the end of it all, Gavin is in complete awe. 

From the way you look up at him with tears streaming down your face completely drenched in sweat to the sounds of the crying child as the nurses remove the excess fluids to you holding them in your arms, Gavin’s heart is full. 

He can feel his eyes burn with tears threatening to fall at the sight of the love of his life and baby. The mother and child. His family. 

And when he gets to hold the baby, Gavin is shaking with nerves, but not enough to disturb the child laying peacefully in his arms.

The baby will look up at Gavin with eyes that mimic their father’s golden ones before they slowly drift to sleep.

“They feel safe with you.” You’ll say tiredly as the nurses tend to you. “How can you tell?” 

“Because being in your arms is the safest place in the world.”

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Been sitting on this bad boy for a while now! Hope you all enjoyed the read and if you want more MLQC stuff make sure to check out my masterpost! 

[hanniiesuckle17]

Stray Kids Reaction: S/o Falls Back Into Old Habits

A/n: so this is a more serious request! if any of my readers feel like they need to talk to someone (whether about this or not) my messages are always open to anyone and everyone. Also this did get a little personal for me, (Jisung’s is based on my personal experience)

Requested by: Anonymous 

Warnings: (TRIGGER WARNING)Mentions of eating disorders, cursing

Tag List: @distrikt9 @mini-meanhoe @poeticallyspaghetti @hanstagrams @desertofdessert @yangomangos​

Bangchan:

You had a history of not making the healthiest choices when it came to weight loss. It was a secret you kept to yourself. A secret you thought you wouldn’t have to deal with again. But, life sometimes throws stuff at you, and you can't help but fall back into old habits.

You knew Chan adored you. That didn’t mean hate comments got any easier to read. It was almost impossible to avoid them. Chan was always in the public eye, so it wasn’t long before your relationship was outed. At first, it was fine. Most of the Stray Kids fans accepted you; they wanted Chan happy. 

Eventually, after all the commotion died down, anti-fans started to surface. They had found old pictures of you from high school and posted them with cruel comments. It was difficult with Chan away from home so much. You felt like you were alone, with no one to help guide you away from the dark places the comments were leading you towards. 

The old pictures resurfacing reminded you of how you used to look when you were younger. It was easy to see the change in your body weight. You had started working through lunch. It was a simple excuse. It wasn’t a lie that your workload had doubled over the past week, though Chan was upset you skipped a meal, he understood. 

But your old mentality started to creep back in. The next meal to go was breakfast. Chan was usually gone before you got up so he didn’t notice. What he did notice was you slowly losing your appetite at dinner. At first, he thought you were just a little sick. He made sure to stock up on medicine next time he picked up groceries. However, in your mind, you still weren’t losing the weight you wanted fast enough. Knowing Chan would freak if you stopped eating dinner you decided to hide a bottle of diet pills behind a couple shoeboxes at the top of your closet. 

“Hey, Y/n? You wanna order a pizza?” Chan called from your bedroom. A pizza sounded divine. The sound of your stomach rumbling made you feel guilty. There was no way you would ruin this streak just for a pizza. 

“Umm...you can! I ate a little earlier.” You called back. There was a moment of silence. You figured he was just picking up some dirty laundry or something.

“Baby, when did you eat? You didn’t have lunch with me and-” 

Chan’s voice stopped all of a sudden. “I didn’t what?” You asked flipping through your phone. You frowned yet again coming across some hate comments. Sighing you tossed your phone onto the other side of the couch. “Babe?” You called still not hearing back from your boyfriend. Looking up you found Chan standing in the hallway holding a familiar white bottle in his hands. 

“What the hell is this?” 

Chan was angry. He was more than angry. He was pissed. He looked hurt when he tossed the bottle to you. “They are just diet pills, Chan.” His teeth dragged across his lip and his hands came to rest on his hips. 

“No. Only half the bottle is left! Y/n this is dangerous. I know you’ve been skipping meals!” You flinched as Chan raised his voice. He noticed and came over to you. His hands wrapped around yours, shaking a little bit. “Y/n....I’m scared for you....I’ve been scared for you. You won’t talk to me. I know about the hate and the meals, but this? Baby. You’ve gotta talk to me.” 

You looked at your boyfriend crouched in front of you, holding back tears. “Chan...it was just hard not to go back to bad habits. I’m so sorry.” Tears fell from his eyes hearing you speak. He dropped his head into your lap, still holding your hands tightly. He looked up, eyes puffy and red. His lips pressed against the back of my hand.

“I’m with you, yeah? I love you. I’m not going to let you do this alone.” 

Minho:

Being a model was one of the best jobs you had ever had. It wasn’t as easy as everyone thought. You had great expectations put on you. At any given moment your agency could call you and say that you needed to drop fifteen pounds and chop off half your hair and you would have to do it to keep your contract.

Minho was used to your crazy weight-loss diets and coming home to you running on the treadmill with six coats on. He trusted you to be safe with whatever you were doing. He always checked in on you, even when he was away on tour. 

Little texts making sure you were alright. Facetimes before he went to sleep. But, it was better having Mino home with you. Thankfully he would be home for the next six months. 

The blare of your ringtone woke you up from a deep sleep. Minho was still sound asleep next to you and two of the cats were snuggled up at the foot of the bed. Seeing the agency as the caller id, you picked it up. They gave you the requirements for the job as well as the deadline. “Next week!” You exclaimed trying to keep Minho from waking up.

After a few more exchanged words you hung up the phone and lay in bed. “Twenty pounds?” You whispered to yourself. There was absolutely no way you could do this in time without not being healthy. But, the pay day was huge. There was no way you could pass up this gig if you wanted to make rent this month. The only problem would be Minho. He would totally scream at you if he found out you weren’t being healthy losing the weight.

Hell, the weight they wanted you to be wasn’t exactly healthy either. Your boyfriend stirred next to you, wrapping an arm around your middle. The next week you did everything possible to lose the weight. You skipped meals and you practically lived at the gym. 

“Babe, have you eaten yet?” Minho said over the phone. He spoke to you on speakerphone as you ran with a hoodie on the treadmill in your apartment. You were three days away from your deadline with still five pounds left to lose. 

“Yeah,” You said out of breath. Lie. “I ate a big salad a couple hours ago.” Another lie. You hadn’t eaten anything in the last seventy-four hours. He sighed over the phone. “What’s wrong, Minho?”

“Y/n we ran out of lettuce like two days ago, babe.” 

Letting out a nervous laugh, you turned off the treadmill. “Minho.... I-uh...I ordered one-” You heard the line click. He hung up. “Oh fuck.” You said head in your hands. You shed the jacket and raced to your closet. You grabbed one of Minho’s big sweaters and threw it over your head. About ten minutes later the front door opened, Minho storming in throwing his stuff on the counter. “Hey! Did management let you off early-”

Without a word, he grabbed your wrist and pulled you out of the apartment. The next thing you knew you were walking up the stairs of your agency. The two of you blew past your boss’s secretary. “What the fuck, man!?” Minho screamed bursting into my boss’s office. “Do realize you are driving my girlfriend slowly off a cliff? She could kill herself just trying to meet your expectations! LITERALLY.” 

Your boss was completely shocked. He was at a loss for words. “This is not on Y/n. This is on you for making her feel like she ever had to feel like she had to use such drastic measure simply to please your patriarchal sexist ass.” You felt like crying seeing Minho defend you. It was true. It was your choice to skip meals, but mostly out of fear of the termination of your contract.

“Sir-”

“No. I don’t think you know who I am. One word from me to the press could ruin you in this industry for the rest of your life.” Your boss stayed silent. Clearly fearing for his reputation. “Now, you are going to let Y/n end her contract, with full compensation, on the grounds of employee abuse.” Minho narrowed his eyes, completely furious. “Got it?”

He nodded and Minho took your hand in his and led you out of the office. “Thank you, Min.” You whispered, kissing his shoulder. 

“You’ve got to tell me, babe. I’m not gonna stand by while you are forcing yourself through this.”

Changbin:

Changbin wasn’t the most observant man on the planet. But, it was very hard to slip anything past him when it came to you. His job was demanding and took up far more of his time than either of you would like,  but the man was clingy even from a distance. 

You just dropped him off at the airport not four hours ago and he was already facetiming you. With Changbin gone, your apartment felt empty. The days seemed to blur together. Days flooded into nights and nights blended into early mornings. You were sad and missed him a lot. So you did the best thing you could think of to distract yourself was throw yourself into your work.

The tour was nowhere near its end and you were bringing more and more work home. You got into the bad habit of skipping meals and you barely ate anything for dinner, choosing instead to work. Most nights you fell asleep at your desk, having not eaten anything all day. 

Changbin would call at all hours of the night, so caught up in tour life he had forgotten that it was three am where you were. You didn’t mind, however, the calls always ended with you missing him even more. If things were really bad you would go down to the bakery and eat an entire cake by yourself only to refuse food for the rest of the week.

“I’m so lonely here without you,” You said to the glow of your laptop screen. Changbin’s face filled the screen. He was barefaced and had a hoodie covering his messy hair. Seeing your boyfriend even just through a facetime call was a godsend. “It’s been really hard keeping it together. When are you coming home?” 

He sighed. Clearly, he wasn’t handling the distance well either. “Four days.” Your head dropped into your hands. Four days. You could handle four more days. The question was could your body handle four more days? “Sweetie, you don’t look too good. Are you sure you are taking care of yourself?” Changbin looked seriously worried.

The internal struggle of whether to tell him or not was evident. 

“Y/n, you can tell me anything. I’m worried about you.”

Your fingers raked through your hair. Changbin let out an anxious sigh. He knew silence from you was a bad sign. “I haven’t exactly been eating well lately.” His face grew somber. 

“How not exactly?”

“Like....at all.”

“Y/n!” Changbin exclaimed. You were sure that he had woken up whatever boy he was sharing a room with. He broke seeing the shame on your face. How he had not noticed sooner was shameful to him. Your face was starting to sink in and dark circles lay under your eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t want to bring up past problems I had and worry you with them. They are mine to deal with.” 

Changbin shook his head. “I want to share your problems, sweetie. Your problems are mine and I’m glad to take them.” He paused simply looking at you with care. “Do you want me to come home? I’ll be on the first flight out?”

“I can’t make you do that. The boys and STAY need you.”

“You need me more right now.”

Hyunjin:

Your mother was lapping you. She was getting married twice. You weren’t even married once! It didn’t help at all that your mother was one of the most judgemental living on the planet. All her friends were a close second. She had been hounding you for years to get a boyfriend. She was always nagging on you to settle down and give her grandchildren.

Hyunjin coming into your life was the best thing that had ever happened to you. He made you feel fully yourself and even helped you out of some really bad habits that your mother had gotten you into. Hyunjin slowly helped you rebuild your self-esteem and you loved him more every day for it. 

“Y/n, last time I saw you it looked like you had been putting on quite a bit of weight. I’ve already sent you the dress I want you wearing and you need to fit in it by the wedding. Am I clear?” The shrill voice of your mother filled the room. Why did you put her on speakerphone again? You looked at the lilac colored dress you were holding in the mirror. “Y/n?”

“Yes, mother. I understand.” There was no way you were fitting into this. She sent it to you this morning and the wedding was nine days away. It wasn’t surprising she pulled something like this. She always had impossible standards to hold you too. Having enough of your mother, you hung up the phone. 

With a sigh, you grabbed the dress and tried to put it on. It was by far the most unflattering garment you had ever worn. You couldn’t close the zipper and it emphasized all the wrong places on your body. You could barely breathe in the tight fabric. Wiping stressed tears from your face, you shedded the frock. The choice of never giving down your mother's complaints or simply wearing a different dress were pounding against your skull.

If only Hyunjin wasn’t still on a dating ban. Then you could tell your mother how happy you were with him and she would stop hounding about your weight and appearance. But, that wasn’t the case. Only eight more months. Eight more months and you could shout about Hyunjin from the rooftops without a care. Until then, you had to lose a lot of weight as soon as possible. 

As much as it hurt you to go behind Hyunjin’s back, you returned to your old habits, skipping most of your meals. It was easy to hide at first. Hyunjin would come home late from practice, so he didn’t find it unusual for you to have ‘eaten’ before him.

However, what wasn’t normal, was you getting dizzy spells. But you were so close to fitting in that dress you couldn't stop. Hyunjin was lounging on the couch, flipping through random channels. The edge of your vision started to blur out, making you clutch the counter for balance. Taking some deep breaths you focused on centering yourself. “Baby, you okay?” Hyunjin said, his voice laced with concern. He was already making his way over to you, hand finding the small of your back.

You pushed away from the counter to respond to your boyfriend, but your knees buckled under you. Hyunjin caught you, pulling you into his chest. “Oh shit- Y/n, baby. Look at me. How many fingers am I holding up?” Hyunjin held up three long fingers that looked more like five or six. You groaned, leaning into him. 

Hyunjin, slightly panicking, pulled you over to the couch and laid you down. You watched him pick up his phone ready to dial emergency services. “Jinnie! No! Don’t. Really, I’m fine. It was just a dizzy spell.” He narrowed his eyes at you. 

“You haven't had a dizzy spell since-” His words caught in his throat and he turned to you in shock. “Y/n...when was the last time you ate.” Your hands covered your face, rubbing your temples. 

“I had a ramen cup. Don’t worry.”

Hyunjin involuntarily rolled his eyes letting out a frustrated huff. “I didn’t say what. I said ‘when’. ‘When’, Y/n!” He sighed seeing you struggle to think back on the past few days.

“I think....like two and a half days ago?” Hyunjin sighed, picking up his phone again. He walked into another room and returned about ten minutes later. You watched him walk to the kitchen and grab a Gatorade from the fridge. He placed it in front of you just as the doorbell rang. He ran a hand through his blonde hair as he took a huge bag from a man at the door. 

“Eat. Drink.” He said placing the bag of takeout in front of you. He unwrapped the food and twisted the cap off the drink, placing it in your hand and lap. He had a worried look on his face as he watched you begin to eat. “I called your mom.” 

You immediately started choking on the food, giving Hyunjin yet another panic attack. “You WHAT?”

“I told her about us. I know the wedding and all her expectation is what is causing you stress. I told her to add me to the guest list and that you’re showing up in whatever you want to wear and that she better not say one word about it or else she’ll hear some choice words from me.”

Your eyes softened and you wrapped your arms around his neck. He nuzzled his face in your hair letting out a staggered sigh. “Anytime you feel like that, you’ve got to come tell me. I hurt when you hurt. I hurt even more when you try to keep me from helping you.”

Jisung:

Your stomach growled. In the past three days, you had eaten nothing but a couple crackers and a few pieces of cheese. College had been really rough on you lately. Classes were tough and you had resorted to stress eating while Jisung was away and working. It was even worse when he went off on tour. 

Without him around your self-esteem was at an all time low. In your mind, it was only a matter of time before Jisung came back with a girl who was much prettier, much skinnier, and just....better...than you. It wasn’t easy to tell Jisung this. You had never really been great at talking about your feelings.

The sound of your cell phone buzzed against the kitchen counter. It was almost midnight so only one person could be texting you. Your hands swiped through the notifications until you could read the message. Jisung.

Hey bb! <3 Gonna be home late. So sorry :( don't wait up for me

You sighed and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. Your boyfriend was right, as much as you hated to admit it. There was no point in waiting up for him. The edge of your vision started to blur out so you shook your head and blinked a few times. “A hot shower would probably do me some good.” You said to the empty apartment. 

Tossing your clothes in the hamper, you walked in your underwear into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Suddenly you felt dizzy, heat flooding the small room, fogging up the mirror. Your head started to spin. The orientation of the room seemed to flip upside down. You grabbed at anything knowing you were going to fall any second. The shower curtain came down with you, your head banging against the shower wall and then against the bathtub. 

Black clouded your vision as hot water pelted down on you from the showerhead.

Jisung turned the lock of your shared apartment at about two in the morning. The first thing he noticed was the lights in the kitchen and bedroom were still on. He tossed his bag on the counter and set his phone down beside it. “Baby? You still up?” He called into the apartment. “Y/n?” He asked hearing the shower running. 

He gently wrapped his knuckles on the door. After a few minutes of not hearing a reply, he started to get a little worried. “Y/n? Babe.” Slowly he pushed open the door and peeked his head into the bathroom. His eyes widened seeing you passed out shower curtain falling on top of you. “OH SHIT!” 

Jisung burst into the bathroom and threw the shower curtain away from your unconscious body. He shut off the water and cradled your head away from the shower wall. As gently as he could he picked you up and set you on the bed the both of you shared. “Fuck. My phone. Where’s my phone?” Jisung scrambled, running out of the bedroom. He was frantic. 

“911. What is your emergency?” The calm voice of the operator spoke to him.

“My girlfriend. She uh--....fuck. She fell in the shower. I don’t know. I just came home. I think she hit her head.” Jisung ran a stressed hand through his hair, his feet carrying him back to the bedroom. He nodded at the operator's instructions and kept them on the phone as he grabbed one of his shirts from your closet to cover you up. 

The paramedics arrived and loaded you up in an ambulance. Your heavy eyes opened slowly and you looked around the back of the emergency vehicle. It hurt to turn your head, which was still making you feel dizzy. Jisung sat beside you, holding your hand tightly, head down, and tears falling down his cheeks. “Jisung...” You croaked out. 

His head shot up and he didn’t even bother trying to hide his tears. “Baby! Oh, thank god! Y/n you scared me half to death! What the hell happened?” He held your hand tightly, kissing along your knuckles.

“I’m so sorry, Ji....I only meant to skip a couple meals. I thought...I thought I had it under control.” You continued to ramble trying to make sure the words were coming out the way you wanted. Jisung looked heartbroken next to you.

“Y/n....you can’t...fuck...I love you so much. You’ve gotta tell me this stuff, okay?” He said choking up. You had never seen him so upset, so broken. “I can’t lose you. You’re perfect to me always.” You nodded, tears falling down your own cheeks. 

“I’m so sorry-...I’m so sorry. I should have told you...”

Felix:

After being a trainee since you were fourteen, you had picked up an unhealthy mindset about your body image. The weekly weigh-ins your company put you through always had you watching your weight down to the ounce. There had been several incidents regarding your health and some unhealthy weight choices, thankfully they hadn’t been leaked to the press and your company covered it up. Felix had been your friend since you debuted and you had been dating for almost a year and a half. The two of you kept it a secret since both of you were still under a dating ban. Felix was always there for you when you needed him. Even if that meant him coming to find you in a broom closet because you were having a rough time and needed a hug.

Comeback season was always a rough time for the both of you. His group was busy, your group was busy. There was hardly any time to see each other. Promotions were even worse, especially for you. You felt like you had to constantly watch what you were eating since there were cameras all around you. You limited you food intake to one small meal a day, choosing to drink lots of weight loss shakes and water instead. Your secret diet plan had been working for years. You hadn’t had an incident since debut. 

Your stomach growled as you looked in the mirror. “Y/n, did you eat?” Your leader asked brushing extra blush across her cheeks. You shook your head, knowing your voice would waver if you tried to lie. 

“I’ll get something after the performance.” 

The sound of other performances were playing on the music shows backstage TV. The skirt you were wearing was squeezing your stomach the fabric unbearably tight. “Girls, you’re up next! Stray Kids is after you. Backstage in two.” A stagehand said popping into the room then quickly exited. The members of your group started filing out of the room, heading backstage. 

Stray Kids were waiting backstage already. You waved at Felix in the dark as you all came to stand next to them. You felt yourself get hot all of sudden and the room was beginning to tilt. The heels you were wearing made it a little more difficult for you to catch your balance. 

You felt a hand on your back, steadying you. Felix appeared behind you, a concerned expression on his handsome face. “You okay, darling?” You nodded and brushed a bead of sweat from your forehead. 

“Yeah. Just got a little dizzy for a second.”

Felix still looked concerned but gave you a quick kiss on the cheek after making sure no one was looking. “I’ll see you after your performance, darling.” He whispered in your ear before sending you onstage. Your group got in position and started performing your new song. Your head was spinning and you felt like you were going to pass out under the white hot stage lights. 

The lyrics to your part of the song came out breathy as you danced in the center. It was evident you weren’t giving your one hundred percent, but you smiled through the pain you were feeling. You let your face fall as you transitioned to the back. If you could just hold on until the song was over.

In the middle of the dance break, your body couldn’t take it anymore. Your eyes rolled back in your head and you crumpled onto the floor, your body had been running on zero fuel for too long and gave out. The gasps of the audience stopped the performance and your group members froze in place. You felt someone run next to you and turn you over. You dazed eyes looked up to see Felix, fear plastered all over his face. 

“We need to get her to the hospital.” Your leader said ushering the two of you off stage. Felix carried you in his arms until you were resting on the hospital bed, still in your stage clothes. Felix and your leader sat in the room with you while the doctors ran several tests. They hooked an IV up to your arm and waited for the doctor to return. 

“So, who are you again?” The doctor asked pointing to Felix and your leader. She introduced herself, but before she could say anything else Felix interrupted her.

“I’m Felix, Y/n’s boyfriend. What going on, doctor?” She turned to you with wide eyes pointing at Felix. You motioned to her and an unspoken promise was made that you would talk about it later. She gave you a stern motherly look before turning back to what the doctor was saying. 

“Well. She is severely malnourished. Her blood sugar and iron are dangerously low.” Felix put his head in his hands, clearly upset. “I’m seeing in her records this has occurred before?” Felix nodded reached for your hand. “Well, I want her to stay here until the IV is drained and someone should make sure she is eating and resting well.” The doctor wrote out a copy of meds and instructions for both Felix and your leader. 

You watched Felix listen intensely on everything the doctor said about your health, taking notes of his own. Eventually, the doctor and your leader left the room. “Darling...I should have figured it out when you said you were dizzy. I’m so sorry. I should have- Fuck, I saw the sign and I didn’t do anything.” He rested his head in his hands clearly upset. You pulled him over to you and wrapped your arms around him.

“Thank you, for being here for me. That’s all I need.” You kissed the top of his head and buried your face in his neck.

Seungmin:

You could tell Seungmin anything. You had been best friends before you started dating and were basically inseparable. There was only one thing Seungmin didn’t know about you, your history with not so healthy weight loss methods. In highschool like most students, your self esteem was a soul sucking bottomless pit. 

Every insecurity was brought to light by your cruel peers. Feeling broken you sought comfort looking magazines filled with beautiful women. Beautiful skinny women. Your desire to be like them grew stronger as you grew older. At first, you only skipped meals when extra work needed to be done. To you, there was no bad consequence at the time. Not only would you lose a little weight but you would get more accomplished. 

Then skipping meals became a regular thing. You would usually get dinner with Seungmin most nights but still ate light. Seungmin paid no mind to it, assuming you were eating healthy during the day.

After a few months, he noticed you were extremely thin to an unhealthy degree. Seungmin was hesitant to ask you about it at first. You were an adult and could take care of yourself. He also didn’t want to come off as clingy and intrusive, but he was really worried about you to the point where he would lose sleep wondering if you had actually eaten that day and lied to him over a phone call. 

Soon, he had enough. “Y/n, be honest with me.” He exclaimed one day while he was over at your apartment. You stopped mid-sip of water and turned to your boyfriend. “You’re skipping meals aren’t you?” 

Silence filled the apartment. Every sound seemed to have been amplified. The dripping water of the bathroom faucet, the clock in the kitchen, the fabric of Seungmin’s sweater brushing against the couch. He watched you with determined eyes. 

“Are you mad at me?” You asked hesitantly. He let out a heavy sigh taking your hands in his. He looked hurt.

Your boyfriend looked back up at you. He seemed to be studying every detail of your face. The bags under your eyes. The way your cheeks had begun to sink in. “I’m not mad.” He whispered. Seungmin took his time choosing his next words with care. “I’m worried, Y/n. Look at you. You are clearly not healthy. This has gotten out of hand.” 

You felt exposed. Raw. Vulnerable. You felt small. Seungmin was right. What you were doing wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t safe, but you couldn’t just stop. It had gotten to the point that you barely had an appetite during normal meal times. 

“Min...I can’t just stop. I’m really messed up aren’t I?”

Seungmin pulled you into his chest, resting his head on yours. “No more than anyone else.” He whispered. It felt like a weight lifted off your shoulders knowing that Seungmin knew your secret. You didn’t feel alone anymore. “We can get you the help you need. All I want is for you to be healthy and happy.” 

There were a million things you wanted to say to him, but actions seemed to work better. You nodded against his chest, letting your arms fall from around his neck to rest gently over his heart. “I should have told you sooner.” You said softly, listening to his heartbeat. 

His fingers softly ran through your hair. “What matters is you told me. I’m not going to let you go through this alone anymore. I’m always here for you, Y/n.” 

Jeongin:

You had recently got a new roommate. A roommate who looked like she walked straight out of a Victoria’s Secret magazine. It didn’t help that she often walked around in her body hugging workout gear. You felt pudgy next to her. She was of course the nicest person on the planet which didn’t make your jealousy decrease any more than it should. In reality, it only grew more.

You wanted what she had. At first, you just started with a diet and exercise. Jeongin was happy to work out with you in the gym. He loved going on night runs with you near the Han river. But, you just weren’t getting the results you wanted. You still looked like a blobfish next to your roommate and were seeing no near progress anytime soon.

The first thing that Jeongin noticed was you stopped letting him come around to your apartment. In your mind the less he saw your roommate the less likely he was to compare you too. Not that he would, but there was always this doubt in the back of your mind. 

The second was your dramatic change in demeanor. A cloud of depression seemed to hang over you wherever you went. You were tired and not acting like yourself. Lastly, he noticed you getting thinner and thinner. 

You had cut out so many things from your diet that you were basically only eating a few crackers and slices of cheese a couple times a day. You stopped going out to dinner with Jeongin, choosing to go out when you knew you wouldn’t be eating. 

He had no idea how to approach you, but he was worried sick. So, he went to the one person he knew he could trust with anything. Chan. He sat done with Chan and told him about everything he was thinking and feeling. After getting advice from his hyung he felt much better about asking you what was going on.

The two of you were on one of your Han river night runs. The pace you were running at was slower than usual. Jeongin made sure to go your speed, picking up on little things he noticed. “Y/n, are you sure you are alright?” He asked, stopping. 

You nodded hands resting on your knee. Your chest was tight and your stomach hurt. It felt like hot volcanic air was pressing down on you like an anvil. “I’m fine. I just need a break.” He nodded and crouched down next to you. Not many people were out since it was later in the evening, but Jeongin still kept an eye out for pedestrians who might come by.

“Angel, you don’t look good at all.” He said rubbing your back. “Come sit for a minute.” Not letting you say anything against the notion he dragged you over to a bench and handed you his water bottle. You flinched tasting what was in it. Definitely not water.

“What is this?” 

“Don’t worry. It’s got plenty of electrolytes in it. Just drink, angel. You need it.”

Jeongin rubbed your back as you drank from the bottle. “How did you know I needed that?” You questioned still out of breath. You attempted to hand him back the water bottle but he put it back in your hands.

“I know you haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

You sighed head in your hands. “How long have you known?” 

He shrugged playing with a bracelet on his wrist. “Maybe a week,” He had known for that long and he hadn’t said anything? Why? He gave you a tight-lipped smile as if reading your thoughts. “I was hoping you would tell me. But, you come first before anything.” He laced his fingers with yours. “Why are you skipping meals, angel?”

You sighed, looking out at the water, feeling much better now. “I was jealous of my roommate. She just is so fit and gorgeous. I feel so inferior next to her.” You hand carded through your messy hair as you looked up at your boyfriend. “Maybe I was...the teensiest bit worried that she might turn your head because of how slender she was.”

“Angel, you are perfect to me. I never want you to change.” He said pressing a kiss to your temple. 

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