#my brain just yeeted this into existence i apologize lmao

[nebulous-frog]

Not-So-Straight Best Friends

Summary: Based off this post from @pseudophan. Basically, what if Dan and Phil really were queerbaiting us this whole time but suddenly they realized they were in love?

Word Count: 1832

Genre: Getting Together, AU, crack!fic (ish? idek man)

Warnings: Vague descriptions of queerbaiting, swearing, dumbassery, first kiss... honestly idek

Author’s Note: I literally just wrote this in like. An hour or something? Hour and a half? on my phone and then found my laptop to post it. Not entirely sure what this is, pretty sure I was possessed when I started writing, but now we’re here I guess lmao

Link to AO3 Fics Masterlist

When Dan and Phil first started talking, it was because Dan genuinely wanted editing tips from Phil.

They pretended they became friends after that from a shared interest in Muse, but it really wasn’t anything like that. Instead, their friendship formed from a shared love of sports. The first time they met each other in person, they went out for beers at a pub in Manchester and then kicked a football around at Phil’s place. They didn’t hug, they didn’t have an emotional moment. They did a manly handshake and carried on. That night, Dan slept on the floor, a respectful, definitely-straight, no-homo-possible distance from Phil.

Years down the line, they wouldn’t remember whose idea it was. Dan would suggest it was Phil’s, since Phil was the one who knew about publicity already, but Phil would suggest it was Dan’s, since he was so keen on being friends in the first place. Whoever started it, they had long ago decided to pretend to be in a relationship that they were intentionally hiding from their audiences.

They created imaginary stories and scenarios and sent them out to the public, watching as their fans ate up every last bit of the fake relationship.

It was all an elaborate ruse to keep fans invested and draw in a wider audience. They even made their personas intentionally nerdy to really grasp the attention of a specific demographic.

To really sell it, they went on a few holidays together and tweeted about each other all the time. Eventually, they moved in together, partly maintain the shady lie.

But it wasn’t all a lie. They really were best friends and did everything together, just as any other guy best friends would do. They knew each other’s favorite athletes, attended sporting events together, played wingman for each other (whenever possible, that is; they had to be careful so no fan would see them dating or flirting with someone else).

And so it went for years. Dan and Phil hid their true sports-loving lad personalities from the internet successfully, even going so far as to act differently around friends so they wouldn’t accidentally let it slip. They were content with this, too. It made them money and people looked up to them, respected them, loved them. It was everything they’d ever wanted.

Except it wasn’t.

Dan was totally straight, of course. Of course. But he couldn’t help but admire Phil’s physique. He’d stopped exercising quite so much a long time ago to help with the nerdy image, but his arms were toned in just the right way for a camera not to notice. Plus, it wasn’t like Phil ever took his shirt off on camera. His abs were killer. The only reason they made Dan feel weak was because he literally wasn’t as strong as Phil. Right? Right.

And then Phil started asking Dan to play wingman more often.

“Come on,” he’d whine. “I haven’t gotten laid in ages and you’re such a good wingman.”

And Dan would feel his jaw clench, his hands twitch. “No,” he’d say. “I don’t want to.”

“I’ll buy your drinks, though,” Phil would promise.

Dan would scoff and shake his head.

“Why are you being such a dick?” Phil would accuse with a glare.

And so it went, over and over until Dan finally agreed to just do it already so Phil would quit bothering him.

They went out to a higher-end bar to avoid fans. The lighting was dim and the music was loud to encourage closeness, but Dan just found it annoying. He wanted to go home.

Not long after they arrived and got their beers, Phil bumped Dan’s arm with his own.

“Look at her, over by the loo. Wavy brown hair.”

Rolling his eyes, Dan turned his head to find the girl in question. He could see why Phil had noticed her. Her crop top showed off a flat stomach and her short shorts showed off long legs stuffed into knee-high stiletto boots. Her pale skin shone through the darkness of the bar. Dan turned back to his drink.

“You gonna go talk to her or do I have to?” Dan asked, voice betraying no emotion as he raised his beer to his lips.

“Well, obviously you have to. You’re my wingman, remember? Go talk me up.”

Dan sighed through his nose, too quiet for Phil to hear, and downed the rest of his drink in one.

“Here goes,” he said with a nod at Phil. He crossed the room to stand in front of the girl Phil fancied, thoughts racing with every step. The closer he got, the more repulsed he was by this whole plan. All he had to do was talk to her but that was supposed to get Phil laid and Dan suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t like the idea of Phil sleeping with some strange girl. Come to think of it, he didn’t like the idea of Phil sleeping with anybody. Well. Anyone but one specific person…

Dan stopped a few feet from the girl, eyes wide. He didn’t want to do this. He wouldn’t do this, he couldn’t possibly. It would break his heart, right as he’d finally discovered how it beat. He sized the girl up once more, then turned to look at Phil, who was nonchalantly leaning up against the bar and pretending not to pay attention. Phil would be so pissed, but Dan couldn’t help it. He had to do what had to be done.

He crossed the last few steps towards the girl.

“Hey, that guy over there? Black hair, quiff?”

The girl looked disinterestedly over his shoulder at Phil. “Yeah, what about him?” she asked, clearly suspicious.

“He’s got…” Dan grasped for an excuse- “he’s got chlamydia.”

The girl wrinkled her nose. “Sucks to be him, then.” Then she stalked away, boots clicking on the tiled floor as she walked out the door.

Moments later, Phil appeared at Dan’s elbow.

“The hell was that? You’re usually so good!” he asked, perplexed.

Dan fought the blush threatening to creep onto his cheeks at the compliment and scrambled for an explanation. “She- uh- she said she’s a lesbian.”

Phil frowned. “Oh. Guess it wasn’t meant to be, then.”

“Guess not,” Dan agreed with a pitying nod. “Alright, let’s go home, then. We’ll try another night.”

Phil’s brow scrunched up and Dan had to fight the desperate urge to rub away the wrinkles on his forehead.

“Give up after only one failure? No way, Howell, we’re not going home tonight until one of us gets fucked.”

Dan sighed again. He wasn’t really in the mood for getting fucked, at least, not by anyone who wasn’t Phil.

The realization hit him like a train again, but he had no time to recover as Phil grabbed his arm and pulled him back to the bar so they could scout their options once more.

Phil sent Dan out to try three more girls, and each time Dan purposefully botched the interactions.

Finally, a defeated Phil agreed to give up for the night.

Life continued on as normal for the two of them for a while as Dan desperately tied to figure out what to do with himself. His jealousy had awakened feelings inside himself that he’d never expected to feel and suddenly he wasn’t quite as straight as he thought he was and being around Phil was simultaneously too much and not enough.

He was in love with his best friend. His straight best friend, who he half-pretended to be in love with.

God, it was complicated.

Every little thing Phil did would send butterflies racing through Dan’s digestive system or blood rushing to places it ought not be rushing to and Dan was having a very hard time coping with his body doing all of that all at once and could Phil be a little less sexy for two minutes?

He was a goddamn mess, basically.

And then there came a day when he just couldn’t take it anymore.

They were playing FIFA together and nothing in particular caused it but Phil laughed at something Dan said and he looked so pretty and suddenly there it was.

“I love you.”

Dan’s eyes widened. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud to Phil, not ever, and here he had. Shit, what could he do? What should he do? Play it off as a joke? The thought of turning something so serious, so heartfelt, so real into a joke was almost too much to bear-

Phil snorted. “Yeah, of course, I love you, too.”

In a split second, Dan realized he couldn’t keep living like this. He had to come clean.

“No, really.” He paused the game, ignoring Phil’s protests but refusing to meet his eyes. “I love you but, like, not work-related.”

He was met with a deafening silence. The tension was killing him, so he forced himself to look up at Phil.

Shock, confusion, and something unnameable played in his expression, his jaw dropped open and eyes searching Dan’s face. Dan had expected anger, disgust, betrayal maybe, but this was very different. He thought he’d known every possible expression Phil could make after being friends and living together for so long, but this was something new and unexpected and frightening but the tiniest bit exciting, as well.

The seconds crawled by until finally Phil shut his mouth with a soft clop and his eyes stopped their searching, landing on Dan’s mouth. Time stopped then, and then suddenly Phil’s lips were on Dan’s and hands were grabbing and feeling and wandering and Dan felt dizzy with it all when Phil pulled back a few seconds later, eyes wide again and his hands still buried in Dan’s curls.

“I’ve never done that before,” he blurted. “Kissed a guy, I mean. I’ve never felt like this before, either, though, so I guess it makes sense that it would make me do things I’d never done. What the hell is wrong with me? This is insane-“

Dan’s heart sank. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, I understand you don’t feel the same-“

Phil’s lips were on his again and Dan let out a squeak and then a moan as Phil took his bottom lip between his teeth and pulled.

“Sorry, you were getting the wrong idea,” Phil hurried to say when he properly pulled back, hands still in Dan’s curls and holding him in place so he couldn’t chase after Phil’s lips like he so desperately wanted to. “I love you, too, not work-related. Well, I mean, sort of work-related because that’s how I fell in love with you and why I thought this would never happen and wanted a distraction and-“

Now it was Dan’s turn to interrupt Phil.

“We’ve wasted enough time already, don’t you think?” Dan gasped when he broke the kiss.

“I guess you’re right,” Phil replied. “Carry on, then.”

And “carry on” they did.

[suchababie]

I posted 38,961 times in 2021

1019 posts created (3%)

37942 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 37.2 posts.

I added 19,231 tags in 2021

#barbequeue - 4619 posts

#mcu - 3897 posts

#chris evans - 2035 posts

#bucky barnes - 1961 posts

#q - 1531 posts

#marvel - 1239 posts

#sebastian stan - 1155 posts

#steve rogers - 1093 posts

#henry cavill - 855 posts

#stucky - 846 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#my sole purpose of existence is being here on tumblr simping for white men who are either fictional or dont know who i am in real life lmao

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

hii, can you please rec some tony stark fanfic blogs?

Omg hiiii!!!! Of course!!! I’d gladly rec you some of tony stark fanfic writers out hereeee @kamalahkhan

And i just wanna add, the exact reason why i joined this hellsite last year is to come and search for more tony stark fanfics ahahahaha 💓💓💓💓

This list may change if i ever miss some blogs :))) i would like to apologize if i ever miss someone but when i do remember i will immediately put an addition here edited 11/1/21

@letsby , @mostly-marvel-musings , @another-stark-sub @patheticallysentimental @boop-le-snoot @slothspaghettiwrites @slut4tonystark , @tonystarkscumslutz @buckyownsmylife ‘s let me try fic @russiandoll-from-brooklyn ‘s just once part 1 and 2 , @sherrybaby14 , @shewhohangsoutincemeteries ,@avengerscompound also known as @emilyevanston , @canumoveurseatup-no @thran-duils has some dark tony fics @darsynia @bolontiku @ironlady1993 has some tony stark dark fics @heavenbarnes has some short tony drabbles also her three-part fic ‘Battle of the Egos’ is 😩💜💜

I just know there are a lot of tony stark fanfic writers out there. I’m sorry i’m limited w these bc my brain has a short memory storage sksksksk

To the wonderful blogs that I have tagged, maybe you can lend me a hand in here?? ☺️☺️☺️☺️💓💓💓💓💓

139 notes • Posted 2021-10-14 14:32:27 GMT

#4

Thank you @pepper-stark for the tag! 😄🥰✨💕

Rules: Name 7 comfort films and tag 7 people

In no particular order

Clueless

The Craft

Mean Girls

10 Things I Hate About You

The Breakfast Club

Miss Congeniality 1 and 2

Before Sunrise

Captain America : The Winter Soldier

BONUS (SORRY I CANT HELP IT):

•Thor: Ragnarok

•Legally Blonde

•White Chicks

Tagging! @babyboibucky @bitchassbucky @sarge-barnes-sir @yeet-me-out-tonight @mariestark @bloggingfromherbed @msmarvelwrites @countonthesun @lookiamtrying @whoth3hellisbucky

LMAO i went pass the limit 😌 its ok tho

ALSO anyone can join!!! I suck at tagging games in general

178 notes • Posted 2021-05-19 12:32:48 GMT

#3

Frank Adler x reader

A short impromptu drabble based on this post and this gif below eheheheh deleted the other post so that it won’t disturb the OP

Also there might be changes bc as i said, impromptu 😂 never planned this. An idea just came out from my head looking at this gif

Oh my god this gif is giving me thots

18+ under the cut (just a short impromptu imagine. Not edited lmao) please like, rb and comment if you like it :)))

Imagine teasing frank by sending provocative pictures of yourself with your sweetest innocent face and then he texts back saying ‘I’ll be there in 10 minutes. I expect you to lay in your back, legs spread with your panties and my shirt on.’ You got all excited that you quickly took off your shorts and positioned yourself in the bed the way he liked.

By the time you heard the front door slam, you can feel your panties pool with your wetness as you gripped the bed sheets at the sides. He isn’t there in the room yet and yet you’re so turned on by the thought of your Frank seeing you vulnerable like this. You just wanted nothing but all of him. It’s what it matters to you right now.

You were so preoccupied with your filthy thoughts that you didn’t know he was already by the bedroom door, eyes endeavoring your sweet body spread out on the sheet and lips smirking. “You’re in it for a wild ride, sweetheart.”

199 notes • Posted 2021-09-07 17:00:19 GMT

#2

Thots +18 under the cut. This is my first ever smut posted on Tumblr! Finally able to post it!!! And ngl i’m nervous ahahaha :) (tbh i feel nauseous of how nervous i am) . Shoutout to @bemine-bucky, @borikenlove, and @spicynudlesoup who witnessed the thirst I had for him that time lmao. Instead of Chris Evans RPF, I made it to Ari Levinson bc i love him

Pairing: Ari Levinson x reader

word count: 1,079

WARNINGS: NOT BETA’D. ALL OF THE MISTAKES ARE MY OWN.18+ ONLY. MINORS DNI. D/S dynamics, light dry humping if you squint, breath play (light choking), petnames, light degradation, language, allusions to punishment and smut. I think that’s it? please let me know if there are anymore warning that i didn’t include.

I give no permission to repost this work to any other media outlets. If you like it, reblogs are also very much appreciated. Comments are also a very good plus! <3

Imagine being a little lonely in a small house you and your boyfriend Ari shared, home near the beach where you can hear the birds chirping loudly as they try to hunt for fish and the soft and peaceful sea crashing along the shore. Ari told you that he was a little busy like usual, planning for his next mission in god knows where. He was dedicated to his work because he loved helping those who are in need, you understand that and you loved that for him, but you didn’t like it when he was too much invested in it and left you alone on your own.

You were his very supportive, understanding, and loving girlfriend. You were his very good girlfriend. You always take care of him, obedient to him. But this time, it was getting on your nerves. You had enough for being good for him, and you wanted to be rebellious once in a while.

So you threw into a cute pleated mini skirt that you bought a few days ago, a pair of cream colored knee socks that had ruffles decorated around your knees, and your favorite shirt, his worn out patterned white shirt that you twisted the front of it and tied, making it look like a crop top. You checked yourself in the mirror and put on your best bambi look, the look that Ari couldn’t resist.

You prepared some light snacks for him since it was still in the middle of the afternoon. You placed the food on the tray. Your sock clad feet softly padded against the cold floor as you grip the wooden tray tightly. You were a little nervous that this stunt was going to happen. How would Ari react? This was very unusual for you to do this; to defy him a little. Your mind raced with different kinds of scenarios which made your stomach churn lightly, yet your pussy had a mind of its own, she was already throbbing. You could feel your arousal seeping through your panties.

You were now in front of the door where Ari was in. Rustling of papers and his raspy voice that sounded like he was on call, you can hear his deep raspy voice behind the door which made your lower region tingle in anticipation and your toes curl. You took a deep breath, mumbling under your breath that you could do it before your already sweaty hand reached for the knob and twisted clockwise.

The door flew open, which made Ari startle by its creaking hinges. He looked at you, narrowing his eyes as you strutted inside, ignoring his daggers through the back of your skull as you made your way to the coffee table.

“Sir, I have to call you back,” he said to the phone and without hearing the receiver, he immediately ended it and tossed the device to the piled papers. 

“The hell do you think you’re doing?” Ari gritted his teeth, his arms folded against his chest as you still ignored him, but you could feel your heart beating a little harder against your rib cage. You bent your upper body down a little, making your little skirt rise a little as you slowly placed the tray on the table.

You bit your lip with a smile when you heard a breath hitched behind you. You could tell that he could already see your open slit panties beneath the godforsaken skirt; your pretty petals had its own heartbeat with your own nectar coating around it, begging for it to be touched and sucked.

“Son of a bitch.” Ari muttered under his breath, his hands turned into fists and he didn't waste time. He strutted towards you, wrapped his arm around your waist and his other hand on your neck. “Don’t. Fucking. Move.” He punctuated every word, each word had him rutting his already tented crotch against your ass, no doubt the crotch of his jeans coated with your sweet arousal that had leaked already in your inner thighs to the tight muscle of your as. You whimpered, because you were so turned on and also you were a little scared of what he would do to you. 

Ari had his chin resting on your shoulder, and he smirked. He barely even touched you, but he could already hear you panting. He felt bad for you just a tiny bit, because he was so busy with work that he neglected his precious girl. Right now, his precious girl was being a bad girl.

He tutted, tightening his grip on your neck a little that had you gripping his strong forearm. “Have I been neglecting you, sweetheart?” He asked, his breath tickled your ear  and his beard that you absolutely loved stroked against your jaw, leaving prickles against your skin that had your hands gripping firmly on his arm.

“Answer me.” He growled, releasing a grip a little and tightening it again. He was playing with you, like a doll that you are. “Yes.” You managed to squeak, tears in your eyes threatened to spill, not because he was hurting you; but because you wanted him to use you.

“It’s been a week, Ari.” You sniffed. You can feel him smiling against your ear. “Well, why didn’t you say so, honey?”

He released his grip from your neck and your waist, pushing you harshly towards the 

Couch that led you to stumble and land on the cushion on your knees.

“Bend over.” He commanded and you know better than to disobey him. You obliged, bending over that your chest reached the back of the couch’s back pillows and your knees were slightly raised from the cushion. You jerked a little when you felt his warm fingers touch the back of your exposed thighs, skimming the skin lightly like he was touching a delicate virgin, even if you were very far from one.

“You wanna be a slut?” He rhetorically asked, you just kept your mouth shut with your hands gripping the pillow tightly and your legs almost giving out.

“I’ll fucking treat you like one.” And with that, he flipped your skirt to your waist, completely exposing him with your drenched cunt. He swatted in between your inner thighs to signal you to open them wider and you did. “Good luck, baby. Because I don’t know when I’ll stop until I feel satisfied with my work.”

“Just so you know, I’m gonna fucking wreck you that you deserve.”

238 notes • Posted 2021-08-12 17:00:57 GMT

#1

I saw this on facebook (dont judge me. I still hate facebook tho)

OKAY first of all, please don't judge me bwdfuhwvuieqhwgbi i used to have no life before i got my job skskskskssksk

And i think its beautiful

388 notes • Posted 2021-04-03 07:56:43 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[certifiedceraunophile]

Hi! A fan of your writing here. I just love the way you write Caroline. An Avoidable Heart is my comfort fic and I am constantly in awe with the way you write and craft the dynamics in that story. Caroline's inner monologue is just priceless and God! I just love that intro scene where Caroline is walking into the Mikaelson compound with vampires and hybrids in the surrounding ready to pounce on her.

I would love to hear how you would have visualized Caroline crossing over into TO or not? Like in what season and why? How it would have likely gone?

Thank you!

First of all lovely anon gimme a moment to breathe, asdfghjkl why are people so lovely 😭😭🥺✨ It means sooo much to me that you’d take the time to jump into my inbox and send these kind words, like please I’m not worthyyyyy, But you make me smile and feel really freaking warm so *handcuffs your hand to mine* you aint leaving 💖✨💞🙃

But OK ALSO oh my god dude THAT CAROLINE WALTZS INTO THE COMPOUND AND TAKES ON A COUPLE HUNDRED VAMPIRES BY HERSELF SCENE???? Ughhhhh I’m sorry but I have SUCH a boner for Caroline in that, like my badass -I admit kinda op- QUEEN IS HERE and she’s fucking shit up, I’m sorry but I love that scene so much it’s so dear to me I was killing myself over how self-indulgent and grossly Over powered Caroline is but like idgaf man it’s such a hot scene and Caroline is practically invincible and we just love to see that, so seriously lovely anon, you telling me you LOVE that scene??? Puts the biggest smile on my face and reassures me a LOT bc I was whining and cribbing over how absolutely unbalanced that scene is to literally everyone BUT LIKE YOU JUMPING OUT OF NOWHERE and pointing that exact scene UGHH…...meant to fucking be the both of us 💖💞✨

And ALSO Caroline’s monologue is quite honestly the easiest inner monologue out of the three voices I wrote for that work, Klaus’s is the real pain in the ass tbvh like it is NOT easy writing pretentious besotted losers with a Kardashian complex especially when you need to make them sound cool when they’re the lamest OP dude bros to ever exist - and no I don’t hate Klaus although I seem to try my darndest to convince ppl I do- I just personally believe that a feral fucker like that with a thousand years of existence under his belt can grow a pair and graduate from his kindergarten level of emotional maturity to adult sometime soon, But then on the flipside he’s so grossly adorkably smitten and feral for Caroline plus hella horny for her all the time that its usually easy to write the trashed and devoted idiot he is into something pretentious and powerful and potent when relating to his unflappable arrogance and his narcissism, but sometimes I also need him to be *deep* and ffs profound for the sake of the plot and jfc my muse just wont work with me on that, she’s like I’m sorry I’m not about to bust my ass to make this mongrel intelligible like no sir all I wanna do is make him uncomfortably horny for Caroline and leave him like that.

So smh yeah the struggle is real….but lmao Caroline is just so precious and fiercely protective and just so achingly lonely in that story, so desperate for connection and trust and intimacy yet so guarded and impervious to everyone like it hurts me to write her like that but it really challenges me as an author to balance out her inherent light with the “void” I create in her and through her, so yeah it’s a very fulfilling task and I wouldnt change it one bit, and also I had to balance out her physical op-ness w half a millennium of the ugliest emotional trauma lol so I guess that figures, but the point being….once again I am overjoyed knowing that you liked a facet of the story that I tried so hard to make as authentically Caroline and achingly real and moving as I can and I cannot possibly feel more accomplished than rn for it so ty ty ty ty for reaching out to me and telling me *tackle hugs* It makes me GIDDY knowing that you enjoyed that particular part of the story like ugh stab me please you're too sweet.

And ok NOW, coming to The Originals part of the ask, (also please note that when I say TO headcanon; Hope does not exist, Hayley is a dead in a ditch and ofc Klaus will stop being that lil bitch they tried to pawn off as Klaus in TO) 

HEADCANON 1

Honestly my biggest headcanon when it comes to TO crossovers somehow always include non-humanity!Caroline like it’s just so perfect to me?? The opportunity to make shit BLOW UP b/w them like imagine the DEBAUCHERY, the heat, the SEXUAL TENSION, the repression of one Klaus Mikaelson, the EXPLORATIONS, and omg the role reversal when Klaus has to be the voice of moral reason between them and not bc he believes Caroline would not be able to stand herself if she does something heinous and monstrous but bc he wants her to be completely and utterly herself, and yk *aware*, when she DECIMATES ppl to the ground and is in full-on predator mode, like he wants her monster to come out and play with him when no part of Caroline is locked away or suppressed, so obviously when she is w/o her humanity KLAUS exercises restraint on her behalf, like can you imagine that, Klaus restraining himself and being the vague, extremely broken and just largely inaccurate moral compass between the two of them for ALL the wrong reasons- and the entirety of NOLA just standing there watching him herd this baby vampire who seems to be intent on riling him up and angering him when all she is doing is giving him a massive hybrid hard on, like IMAGINE THE GOODNESS of non-humanity Caroline wrecking NOLA and Klaus letting her wreck it bc he is helpless in the face of Caroline Forbes and also bc he is quite honestly *enjoying* the debauchery himself so why put a damper on the festivities.

-I might wanna add that I favour this headcanon a lot bc I genuinely do not even remotely *like* the idea of NOLA as Klaus's chosen place to set his roots so like I would love Caroline going to NOLA and destroying everything there just bc I detest NOLA and the storyline behind it in TO. (yes is it petty? Obvi, but like I am a petty soul and I make no apologies ma’am)

HEADCANON 2

So yeah that’s my main TO headcanon, but my other one being, one I talk about very frequently, scream about in tag rants to an obsessive level, and like this is a cracky one but still very valid, where Caroline rolls up to NOLA humanity intact and all, finds Hayley preggo and is just laughing her fucking ass off bc anybody ANYBODY, with half a brain and a two minute convo w klaus would know how UTTERLY stupid the entire baby shit is especially when it’s with an immemorable one night stand, and Caroline’s just losing her shit about how like an entire city is obssessed w this baby and she just straight up tells Klaus he’d SUCK as a dad (which he really does tho like he was a shitty fucking dad canonically too) and Klaus is just like *sigh* girl tell me about it. I mean basically he’s finally relieved that someone is on his side about the whole baby thing and how he definitely does not want his entire millennium of life to finally sum up to this one squalling leaking stinky infant/unicorn Hayley is apparently baking in her oven, and I say this headcanon is cracky bc klaus would never have put up w this mess long enough for Caroline to come in and sort it out, there’s this preferred method of disposal of his called heart ripping that would've been employed quite early on and honestly saved us all a lot of brain cells and minused years of life, bc let’s be real any Klaus who’s NOT a lil snivelling bitch wearing a Klaus skinsuit would’ve yeeted the baby and the mama first chance he got, and that’s just how I see it.

Lmao I really hope I didnt scare you away w my *strong* opinions Ik they can be a bit much but I enjoy having them so theyre not going anywhere, anyways this ask answer got WAYYYY too long but I’m hoping I answered your question well with this or atleast left you slightly confused and bemused over my feral screaming....either ways I’m really really really happy to have got your ask and the chance to rant so much bs, Twas cathartic and honestly I had nothing to do today so I was more than happy to dish this baby out for you. Thank you so much sweet anon for putting a smile on my face today I am absolutely HONOURED by your words you’sa cutie 💖💞✨🗣🗣