#my classmate says im a walking contradiction

[geekandanerd]

My classmate: do you have any hobbies?

Me: yeah, I crochet and listen to podcasts!

My classmate: oh like cute animals? And like a talkshow?

Me crocheting flowers while listening to horror podcasts

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

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but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

[bbuckysarm]

Please don’t make me the joke G.W

Pairing:   George x reader 

Plot: George askes y/n to go to Hogsmeade with him, y/n assumes its a joke.  

Word count: 1.4k

I walked into my least favorite class of the day, Muggle Music, and threw myself in my chair. I had chosen this class because being muggle born I figured that I would already know all the songs. I thought I was going to be analyzing like taylor swift songs and jamming out during class when in actuality, I’m studying how Mozart used the art of Pathos.

I felt a peace of parchment hit the top pf my head then fall to the floor. I began to pick it up  as I felt another one hit the back of my chair, then another, and another, and another. I turned around to see two redheads, one with a smile as big as the crescent moon. The other, whose face was almost as red as his hair was smiling soft but avoiding eye contact with me. I recognized them as Ron’s older siblings, Fred and George. Everyone knows that they are trouble makers. I always try to just stay under all the class clowns radars so I don’t sign up for any unwanted public attention. I’ve only briefly spoken to the twins when they needed homework answers, hoping that they would leave me alone in return.  The twin with the red face was still holding another piece of parchment paper. I stared at him in the eyes as he avoided mine, daring him to throw it. He moved his hand bellow his desk and rolled the final peace of paper to me. 

I felt a wave of rage wash over me my face turning a shave of pink it had not been before, the way the twin still threw the paper after they had already had their laugh made me feel laughed at. I looked down at the final ball of paper and saw something scribbled. They were notes, to embarrassed to read them in front of the twins I shoved them all under my desk, pretending to be uninterested. 

Class went on for another half an hour and I could hear whispers coming from the table behind me. I was not sure if the twins were talking about me, but considering what had happened earlier in class I assumed they where, causing me a lot of anxiety. My ears felt red hot and my eyes felt warm trying to try to listen in on what they were saying. 

The class was released but I stayed in my seet, pretending I was picking up my stuff. I watched everyone leave out of the corner of my eye including the confident looking twin. The last person to leave was the second twinge walked past my desk before walking towards the door. My heart began to beat faster and my beards again felt white hot. 

“I’m sorry for distracting you during class, it was mostly Fred.” The twin said shily. No sound came out of my mouth when I opened it to respond, unsure of what to say. He shuffled away towards the door but looked back one final time to smile before he left. I returned the smile as he walked out of the classroom. Quickly I bent down and picked up the five notes and shoved them in my bag, making my way to the hufflepuff common room. 

The hufflepuff common room is my favorite place inside of hogwarts, not to mention the beautiful outdoor views. It always felt safe in the common room. It’s the only common room in hogwarts that has a defensive spell so no other house can get in. I ran into the room and found a comfy chair to sit in as I find the courage to read these letters. 

“George wants to know if you will go to Hogsmeade with him,”  The first letter said, I quickly looked up in paranoia making sure I'm the only one to read the letter. 

“Ignore that,”  The second one, I assume is from George, says. My eyes feel warm as tears weld up in them. I begin to feel more embarrassed, the shame pilling on. Why did the twins have to make you the butt of their joke. 

“Sorry George is a little shy he won't ask you himself,”   The third letter said as I let it fall through my hands beginning to let the tears fall. 

“Fred is being an ass im sorry,” The fourth one said. It was all a joke. Just something fred weasley did to kill time in a class he didn’t want to be in. I know it shouldn’t matter because it's not like I have a crush on him or anything but it jets hurts to be laughed at. I always assumed that the weasley twins where better than this, I assumed they laughed with people not at them, unless they deserved it. 

“If you did want to go to hogsmeade together this weekend I think it would be fun. - George,” the last note said. 

I threw myself into a fit of rage, being laughed at is something that cayuses me a lot of insecurity and I needed to let them know they just can't mess with me like that. I got my parchment and feather out and begin writing. 

“Dear Fred and George,

I’m very happy that you guys have found something to do during class that is not interrupting the entire class, unfortunately your knee hobby is distracting me. Shouldn’t seventh years have more things to worry about than a quiet fifth year trying to pay attention in  music class. I always assumed we had a good deal going, you let me exist in peace and I gave you homework answers. Please, please just leave me be. I don’t want to be the butt of the joke.”

I stood up with tears in my eyes as I rush out of the common room, some of my friends trying to stop me with a worried face. I ignored them as I walked past. Tears blurred my vision and I continued heading towards the gryffindor common room. I ran into someone and quickly dropped the letter marked to the twins. 

“Y/N? Why are you writing a letters to my brothers?”  One of my acquaintances Ron said. 

“Because I’m going to kill them.” I said a matter of factly as Hermione help me up and I yanked the letter from Ron's hand. I’m sure he decided against continuing any questions when he saw the tears pouring from my face. 

I ran up to their common room, this was may chance. My chance to make them the joke and not me. I wanted to let them know that they cant treat me like another one of their little jokes, i'm not just a puppet for them to entertain themselves with, like everyone else in this school. 

I opened the door and quickly saw the twins sitting on a chair in the back selling tricks to the year ones. I had collected myself outside the door but as soon as I see George look up at me and smile i begin crying again. “Your just the butt of their joke.” I repeated in my head as tears began to fall again. I decided to hand the letter go george and walk out immediately, barely even making eye contact with Fred. 

I left the school building and decided to go for a walk to clear my head. As I was sitting buy the lake reading a book I had found in the library I heard someone yell from a few yards away. 

“Hey y/n, do you think we can talk?” I turned and saw that It was coming from one of the twins, I was not sure which one. 

My classmate sat next to me, “I’m George.” He said. 

“I know,” I said as I looked down, even if I didn’t.

“Will you go to hogsmeade with me this weekend?” George said.

I let out a small chuckle, “Am I still a joke Weasley?” 

My heart beat fast as tears welled up for the thousandth time that day. George put his hand on my cheek to wipe away the tears, “Y/N you know it was never a joke, you where never a joke.”  He laughed contradicting himself. “You and me have a good thing going here, I copy your homework and I leave you alone.”  He said shoving my shoulder with his. 

“Your not doing so well on your side of the agreement Weasley,” I said smiling. 

“I think its time we renew the terms of our agreement Y/N,” he said jumping up from the seet and holding out his hand for me, “Lets discuss this over a butter beer this weekend at hogsmeade, please Y/N.” 

I laughed then smiled, “That actually sounds pleasant George, I’ll see you this weekend.”

[sugasnae]

Friend zone - 1

Summary:

You had had a crush on your best friend for as long as you could remember, there was definitely no doubt about that. He never saw you that way and it was best that you came to terms with that. It didn’t help when he got a girlfriend and you were forced to get rid of your feelings. It didn’t help at all.

1 2 3

Genre: Angst

Admin: Nova

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings:

Extremely triggering, mentions of suicide, suicide attempts, mentions of rape, small rape section. Please be aware I don’t want this to be extremely triggering but I will have a part of that and I hope it is still readable to others. I want my stories to be real without sugar coating anything but I will try my best to minimize it if possible.

College seemed like the dream life. All in all, it was. You were away from your parents, siblings, and you got to be roommates with your best friend since elementary school. You were a couple of hours away from your hometown but got to live in the city going to school in your dream university. Your high school years were finally over, they weren’t terrible but you were thankful to be an adult.

“Y/n I’m going to class then I’m going to hang out with the guys.” Jungkook informed, keys in hand along with his school supplies. You nodded over to him from where you sat on the couch as he headed towards the door.

“Alright, have fun!” You yelled out.

“See you tonight!” and the door slammed shut.

You sighed throwing your head back against the sofa.

Jungkook. Your best friend since elementary school, and your crush. Of course the whole ordeal was never planned, for so many years you both saw each other as siblings. That was until a childish high school party when you were sophomores and a game of 7 minutes of heaven forced the both of you to stay locked in a closet. Nothing happened but the first few minutes you two stood in awkwardness before Jungkook caved in and laughed at the situation. The rest of the night was filled with giggles from you two and it was never mentioned again.

While the night carried on you couldn’t help but think of the possibilities.

What if.

From then on you started noticing things about Jungkook that best friends usually wouldn’t. You didn’t let your feelings contradict your abilities of being a great friend. You knew Jungkook didn’t feel the same way, and slowly but surely, you were getting over him.

Your phone rang suddenly, scaring you a bit out from your daze. You struggled to find it hidden between the couch cushions but you found it and quickly answered.

“Tae! What’s up?” You asked, out of breath.

“Y/n! Gosh I haven’t heard your voice in forever how are you?”

You laughed, “Tae we hung out yesterday, and I’m fine how are you?”

“Y/n it seems like forever. That’s great, i’m great. Let’s hang out tonight.”

“Aren’t you hanging out with Jungkook?” You questioned recalling Jungkook mentioning his plans before leaving.

“Hm, no he didn’t mention wanting to hang out today when I talked to him this morning.”

“Oh, well sure let’s hang out.”

“Great! I’ll be by to pick you up at seven alright?”

“Alright, I’ll see you later.” You laughed and hung up the phone. It was only noon so you decided you were going to stay on the couch for a bit.

Seven O’clock rolled around faster than you expected. You dressed casual with a simple pair of jeans, a flannel, and a plain top. You sat on the couch bored waiting for Taehyung and secretly Jungkook. You hadn’t heard from him since earlier, you wished he would have been honest and told you where he was really going since it wasn’t with the guys but there wasn’t anything you could do now.

There was a light knock on your door and you hurried over to unlock it opening it to Taehyung who stood before you with his famous boxy smile.

“Hey Y/n, ready?”

“Yep!” You smiled and walked out closing the door behind you making sure to lock it.

“Where are we going by the way?” You asked as you two began walking down the hall together. Taehyung slung his arm over your shoulders.

“Just getting a bite to eat with everyone then we were thinking of watching a movie afterwards.”

“Sounds fun, glad you called or else I would have been on the couch all day.”

“Would have?” Taehyung laughed. “Y/n you were on the couch all day.” You rolled your eyes but you knew he was right. It only took you thirty minutes to get ready and you were planted on the sofa before that.

You and Taehyung arrived at a small restaurant you and everyone else hung out at. The seven boys showed you this hidden building and you were very thankful as it had become your hang out spot for the eight of you. You had showed it to a few other friends but you never invited them while you were out with the boys because it was a precious space for all of you.

You walked into the warm building, the smell of fresh meal filling your senses and your mouth began to water thinking about you own meal. It was the same feeling you got when you first walked through the doors. Jungkook had introduced you to his new classmates outside and you all ate knowing only a little about one another. Months passes and you all were close friends.

“Y/n!” The boys sang in unison. Namjoon was the first to stand up and greet you in a hug followed by Hoseok, Jimin, Jin, and lastly Yoongi. You gave them all warm hugs and took a seat in between Jimin and Jin as they handed you your menu. You said a small thank you and began reading through the menu. It was useless as you always ordered the same thing but you did it anyway.

“How come Kookie didn’t come?” Jimin asked you.

“He said he had made plans with you guys but Tae said he didn’t mention anything so I don’t know.” You shrugged.

“Wasn’t he going out tonight with that girl he’s been seeing?” Hobi cut in. Your body stiffened as you turned over to him with a confused look.

“Kookie has been seeing someone?” You asked. “He never told me-”

“He didn’t even tell us, we had to pressure him into spilling.” Namjoon shrugged.

“Wait wait.” Tae waved his arms over the table as if to silence everyone who wasn’t talking. “How come I’m barely finding this out?” He exclaimed in disbelief. The boys laughed except for Jimin who was reassuringly patting your knee.

“You always make a big deal.” Suga admitted plainly.

“And that is an excuse for not telling me? Im hurt, really I am.” He placed his hand over his heart.

Everyone smiled and carried onto another conversation. You turned to Jimin whispering softly to him so no one else could hear. “You knew?”

Jimin sighed and nodded, a look of guilt washing over him. “I’m sorry Y/n I didn’t want to hurt you.”

You quickly shook your head and rubbed his hand reassuringly. “No I get it, don’t worry. Thank you for caring.” You and Jimin exchanged sad smiles before turning back to the group and joining in on their pointless conversation.

Jimin was the only one who knew about your feelings. He was the only one who caught you staring at Jungkook longer than needed and looking at him a certain way. Once he had noticed he wouldn’t leave you alone till you told him the reasons why.

The conversations continued the boys bickering and you laughing at them. They were currently scolding Jin for accidentally taking your plate and eating it straight away.

“We ordered the same thing how was I supposed to know?”Jin exclaimed trying to defend his case.

“You know Y/n doesn’t get all that random stuff on her food.” Yoongi scolded.

“Who’s older here?” Jin stood from his seat pushing his chest out trying to look intimidating but failing miserably. You couldn’t breathe from all the laughter. Everyone’s laughter died down but you continued to die of laughter.

“Jungkookie what are you doing here?” Namjoon spoke over your giggle fit. You laughter died down as you looked up at Jungkook who stood by your table with a pretty petite girl clung to his arm.

“Oh, Yuna and I were going to eat then head to the movies.” Jungkook said nervously looking over the table with slight shock.

“Is this her? Its nice to meet you.” Hobi smiled politely at her and waved. Everyone else murmured small hello’s and nice to meet you’s. You waved at her and gave her a soft smile saying a polite hello. You were being nice but your stomach was knotting.

“Yuna, these are my friends Hoseok, Namjoon, Yoongi, Jin, Jimin, and–Y/n” Jungkook paused before saying your name but continued nonetheless.

“Oh it’s lovely meeting you all! Jungkook talks about you all a lot.” She smiled shyly.

“Ah, he talks about me the most doesn’t he?” Jin said cockily.

“I think it’s even.” She laughed. “I’ve never heard of you Y/n it’s nice to meet you.”She placed her hand out towards you. You paused for a moment, your heart feeling like it was about to burst out of your chest. Why hadn’t he even mentioned me? You finally placed your hand in hers and shook it giving her a small smile.

“ Are you dating..?” She nodded her head towards Jimin who was sitting beside you. Your eyes widened and you brought your hands up in defense chuckling. Both you and Jimin gave continuous no’s.

Jungkook scratched his neck from behind Yuna nervously looking at you with a sorry expression. “Actually, Y/n is my roomate.”

That hurt just as much. You were just his roommate. You decided to let it go, maybe she wouldn’t have wanted to hear that you were his best friend.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” She laughed. “Nice to meet all of you.”

“Why don’t you two join us at the movies? We’re going now anyways.” Namjoon offered.

“Ah I don’t know hyung, we haven’t eaten yet.” Jungkook said biting his lip and shifting on both his feet.

“Kookie let’s go, I want to get to know your friends.” Yuna intervened with a cheerful smile.

“You sure we won’t intrude?” Jungkook asked almost scared of the answer. Everyone yelled out no’s and you only smiled.

Maybe this will help, maybe you’ll get over him.

“You guys are fine don’t worry,” You chuckled, wanting to be welcoming. “We we’re going to watch that new rom-com.”

“Y/n made us, we wanted to see the new horror movie.” Jin groaned and slouched in his seat.

“Don’t act tough, you wanted to see it just as much as her.” Yoongi laughed.

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Well I’m stuffed, should we head out?” Hobi asked patting his stomach. Everyone nodded and stood from their seats. Everyone filed out from the restaurant and into the city streets where passersby walked mindlessly.

“So how is this going to work?” Yoongi asked referring to who was going to ride with who since everyone met up at the restaurant.

“Well I rode with Jin and Jimin, Yoongi and Hobi rode together and Y/n walked with Tae.” Namjoon spoke.

“I drove with Yuna, so if Y/n and Tae want to join they can.” Jungkook offered.

“No it’s fine really, Tae and I can just ride with Hobi and Yoongs.” You said and Tae nodded in agreement beside you. Jungkook nodded with a small smiled and dug his hands into his pockets.

“Great it’s settled, let’s hit the road!” Jin clapped his hands and turned around beginning to walk over to his car and everyone else followed before walking to their own cars.

You and Tae climbed into the back seat of Yoongi’s car settling yourself in and laying your head on Tae’s shoulder once he got in as well. You were tired and had an urge to make up an excuse so you could go home and not have to see Jungkook with Yuna but you already promised the boys you would hang out with them and had no other choice.

Just ignore them.

It was extremely difficult to ignore them.

Surprisingly the theater had been full, leaving a limited amount of seats. You all wanted to sit next to each other rather than having to be sat in different areas but the only row that you all like contained 8 seats. You offered to sit by yourself as you didn’t feel he best either way but everyone disagreed and practically strapped you down to the second to last empty seat beside Jimin. Jungkook and Yuna were the only ones left standing. Jungkook spotted two empty seats on the other side of the theater but Yuna shook her head and sat Jungkook down into the empty seat beside you and sat on his lap.

You didn’t dare look at the two. You kept your eyes focused on the large screen in front of you barely comprehending what the plot was about because your mind was all over the place.

“Y/n are you alright?” Jungkook asked softly in your ear with concern. You turned to him and nodded in response with a smile.

“Everything is fine don’t worry. Pass me the popcorn please?”

The rest of the night was filled with giggles coming from the couple beside you and buttery covered mouth and fingers, because stuffing your face with food was better than being slowly hurt by your best friend.

[magical-agatha]

Hey idk whats going on in your life right now but its not gonna suck forever. If you need to talk with anyone privately, just send me a message

I've said almost the exact same thing before. It's going to get better. Or, nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. Just hold on you'll be okay one day. Eventually things will get better.But it's not getting any better. If anything it's getting worse.Thank you for caring. Truly i really appreciate it. But i don't believe you when you say it's going to get better.I've been trying so hard for so long to have faith and to hope that things will be okay one day. But all of my experiences contradict that. Everything I've learnt and lived has been evidence against the idea that things will get better.I've been a freak for 22 years. I've always been shunned. I'm a freak! As a child i wasn't medicated or properly treated for my mental illnesses. The other children avoided me. I had to sit at a separate desk several metres away from the normal children because i was too disruptive. I had violent panic attacks. I was told to leave in grade 4 because the teachers couldn't handle me. And then i was bullied violently at my next school. They called me a faggot. Around this time i was first exposed to the idea of being transgender. In a news article which portrayed a trans person as some kind of freakish anomaly. I began thinking about what if i'm transgender, but it seemed dangerous and was labelled as wrong. In grade six my 'friends' entertained themselves by manipulating me and hurting me. I didn't understand. In grade 7 and 8 i made friends with the social rejects. Because no one else would take me. But i was tall and gentle and didn't like games about guns. And the rejects soon shunned me too. More constant bullying. Some of it violent but most of it verbal or emotional. People hurt me to entertain themselves. Grade 10 i learnt how to appear almost normal. This is when my gender dysphoria began to seriously affect me. I told my mother, she got angry. I was allowed by a group of classmates to spend lunch break with them. I'm still unclear if they really liked me or just pitied me. A psychiatrist I've known and trusted for over a decade tells me I'm not transgender and it's just a phase. I realise my mother isn't on my side and doesn't understand me. 11 and 12 i became a circus animal. Performing. My friends only kept me around because i was entertaining and i said things that were weird and consequently i was good for a laugh. More bullying. I wasn't considered and i was never really included. Tafe. My mental illnesses begin to get significantly worse. Depression and anxiety ruled my life. And a mother who is forcing me to live how she wants me to. I desperately want to transition but am told i can't make that decision and that I'm not actually transgender. I'm miserable and i hate the course im in but my opinions are irrelevant. I have friends, almost. But only by denying myself and pretending to be someone else. Companionship and acceptance requires that i kill off and hide parts of myself. I drop out. 2 years of isolation and part time jobs working for people who treat me like garbage and abuse me. I hide in video games as much as possible. I repress my gender issues but eventually it becomes too much and i create aggy. My online persona. The person i actually want to be, my ideal self. She's cute and happy and gay. More tafe. I start to confront my gender issues by myself. Then i dropout again. And fall to depression. Over the last twelve months I've been repeating a cycle of hope and despair. I start believing i can get better. Then i get worse. Then i force myself to hope again. I get worse. A month ago i got incredibly close to killing myself, i was goin to walk into traffic on the highway near my house at midnight. I was so scared. I forced myself to hope and pretend it would be okay. I started to believe it. I started getting better. I started talking to people online. I realise I'm a lesbian. And then without any reason it fell apart again. I fell into depression again. Nothing is working. I can't keep doing this. I need something to change. I don't know what to do or how to do it. But i have a strong feeling that I'm getting closer and closer to giving up in the worst way. Every time i cross a street i think about doing it.I recently realised that my mother doesn't have the capacity to emphasize with me. The one thing i need from her is reassurance and belief. But she can't do it. I've tried explaining it to her but she can't be what i need. I'm alone again. I reached out and made friends online. It helped but, I'm still isolated. I have one friend irl. She's lovely, but she doesn't see the real me. She doesn't actually know me.Something very painful about being transgender is that unless you are transgender you can't fathom what it's like. I've tried to explain it to people but it doesn't work. It's a very difficult thing and being unable to relate the feeling of gender dysphoria and being transgender is incredibly isolating. I was fortunate enough to make several trans friends online. One in particular i was able to connect to quite closely. She doesn't know it but she probably saved my life. We spoke for hours and hours. Every day for a week. She's incredible but. I'm scared I'll ruin it. She made me feel valid. For a few days i felt truly happy. Like i was a real person.Another painful thing is that transgender people are seen as freaks and jokes. We are excluded even from lgbt.I am a broken person. I have chronic debilitating depression, severe anxiety, bipolar disorder, ocd, adhd, and I'm transgender. A life of emotional abuse has left me with no self confidence or self esteem and that plus common perceptions and representations of mental illness and transgender people has left me broken. I don't think i have any worth. I see myself as disgusting and pathetic. On a core level i believe i deserve to be miserable and it's killing me. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm very self perceptive and i know more about my problems than anyone else. I can't help but look at myself and feel broken. Because I'm stuck.If i force myself to speak logically i know I'm a good person and that i don't deserve to be in pain. But i don't believe that. I'm incapable of believing that. I try so hard to be a good person and i want to help other people as much as i can. I'm compassionate to a fault. But i hate myself. I don’t believe i deserve to be happy. My self hatred is ingrained so deep i don't think it can be fixed. And i guess because i hate myelf i feel like i don't deserve t get better.There's other stuff I've omitted. I know this all sounds very dramatic but it's true. I'm not saying it to get you to pity me or anything like that. I'm trying to get across a point.The point I'm making is that based on my life and what I've been through, how can you expect me to believe things will get better? I want you to prove me wrong please. Please. I'm running out of hope. I'm so close to giving up. Please I'm so scared and i don't know what to do.