#my confidence is such a paradox you might consider it art

[nicklloydnow]

““Dorothy reminds me in so many ways of Toni Morrison,” West said. “You know Toni Morrison is Catholic. Many people do not realize that she is one of the great Catholic writers. Like Flannery O’Connor, she has an incarnational conception of human existence. We Protestants are too individualistic. I think we need to learn from Catholics who are always centered on community.”

(…)

She viewed belief in God as “an intellectual experience that intensifies our perceptions and distances us from an egocentric and predatory life, from ignorance and from the limits of personal satisfactions”—and affirmed her Catholic identity. “I had a moment of crisis on the occasion of Vatican II,” she said. “At the time I had the impression that it was a superficial change, and I suffered greatly from the abolition of Latin, which I saw as the unifying and universal language of the Church.”

Morrison saw a problematic absence of authentic religion in modern art: “It’s not serious—it’s supermarket religion, a spiritual Disneyland of false fear and pleasure.” She lamented that religion is often parodied or simplified, as in “those pretentious bad films in which angels appear as dei ex machina, or of figurative artists who use religious iconography with the sole purpose of creating a scandal.” She admired the work of James Joyce, especially his earlier works, and had a particular affinity for Flannery O’Connor, “a great artist who hasn’t received the attention she deserves.”

What emerges from Morrison’s public discussions of faith is paradoxical Catholicism. Her conception of God is malleable, progressive, and esoteric. She retained a distinct nostalgia for Catholic ritual, and feels the “greatest respect” for those who practice the faith, even if she herself wavered. In a 2015 interview with NPR, Morrison said there was not a “structured” sense of religion in her life at the moment, but “I might be easily seduced to go back to church because I like the controversy as well as the beauty of this particular Pope Francis. He’s very interesting to me.”

Morrison’s Catholic faith—individual and communal, traditional and idiosyncratic—offers a theological structure for her worldview. Her Catholicism illuminates her fiction; in particular, her views of bodies, and the narrative power of stories. An artist, Morrison affirmed, “bears witness.” Her father’s ghost stories, her mother’s spiritual musicality, and her own youthful sense of attraction to Christianity’s “scriptures and its vagueness” led her to conclude it is “a theatrical religion. It says something particularly interesting to black people, and I think it’s part of why they were so available to it. It was the love things that were psychically very important. Nobody could have endured that life in constant rage.” Morrison said it is a sense of “transcending love” that makes “the New Testament . . . so pertinent to black literature—the lamb, the victim, the vulnerable one who does die but nevertheless lives.”

(…)

Morrison is describing a Catholic style of storytelling here, reflected in the various emotional notes of Mass. The religion calls for extremes: solemnity, joy, silence, and exhortation. Such a literary approach is audacious, confident, and necessary, considering Morrison’s broader goals. She rejected the term experimental, clarifying “I am simply trying to recreate something out of an old art form in my books—the something that defines what makes a book ‘black.’”

(…)

Morrison was both storyteller and archivist. Her commitment to history and tradition itself feels Catholic in orientation. She sought to “merge vernacular with the lyric, with the standard, and with the biblical, because it was part of the linguistic heritage of my family, moving up and down the scale, across it, in between it.” When a serious subject came up in family conversation, “it was highly sermonic, highly formalized, biblical in a sense, and easily so. They could move easily into the language of the King James Bible and then back to standard English, and then segue into language that we would call street.”

Language was play and performance; the pivots and turns were “an enhancement for me, not a restriction,” and showed her that “there was an enormous power” in such shifts. Morrison’s attention toward language is inherently religious; by talking about the change from Latin to English Mass as a regrettable shift, she invokes the sense that faith is both content and language; both story and medium.

From her first novel on forward, Morrison appeared intent on forcing us to look at embodied black pain with the full power of language. As a Catholic writer, she wanted us to see the body on the cross; to see its blood, its cuts, its sweat. That corporal sense defines her novel Beloved (1988), perhaps Morrison’s most ambitious, stirring work. “Black people never annihilate evil,” Morrison has said. “They don’t run it out of their neighborhoods, chop it up, or burn it up. They don’t have witch hangings. They accept it. It’s almost like a fourth dimension in their lives.”

(…)

Morrison has said that all of her writing is “about love or its absence.” There must always be one or the other—her characters do not live without ebullience or suffering. “Black women,” Morrison explained, “have held, have been given, you know, the cross. They don’t walk near it. They’re often on it. And they’ve borne that, I think, extremely well.” No character in Morrison’s canon lives the cross as much as Sethe, who even “got a tree on my back” from whipping. Scarred inside and out, she is the living embodiment of bearing witness.

(…)

Morrison’s Catholicism was one of the Passion: of scarred bodies, public execution, and private penance. When Morrison thought of “the infiniteness of time, I get lost in a mixture of dismay and excitement. I sense the order and harmony that suggest an intelligence, and I discover, with a slight shiver, that my own language becomes evangelical.” The more Morrison contemplates the grandness and complexity of life, the more her writing reverts to the Catholic storytelling methods that enthralled her as a child and cultivated her faith. This creates a powerful juxtaposition: a skilled novelist compelled to both abstraction and physicality in her stories. Catholicism, for Morrison, offers a language to connect these differences.

For Morrison, the traits of black language include the “rhythm of a familiar, hand-me-down dignity [that] is pulled along by an accretion of detail displayed in a meandering unremarkableness.” Syntax that is “highly aural” and “parabolic.” The language of Latin Mass—its grandeur, silences, communal participation, coupled with the congregation’s performative resurrection of an ancient tongue—offers a foundation for Morrison’s meticulous appreciation of language.

Her representations of faith—believers, doubters, preachers, heretics, and miracles—are powerful because of her evocative language, and also because she presents them without irony. She took religion seriously. She tended to be self-effacing when describing her own belief, and it feels like an action of humility. In a 2014 interview, she affirmed “I am a Catholic” while explaining her willingness to write with a certain, frank moral clarity in her fiction. Morrison was not being contradictory; she was speaking with nuance. She might have been lapsed in practice, but she was culturally—and therefore socially, morally—Catholic.

The same aesthetics that originally attracted Morrison to Catholicism are revealed in her fiction, despite her wavering of institutional adherence. Her radical approach to the body also makes her the greatest American Catholic writer about race. That one of the finest, most heralded American writers is Catholic—and yet not spoken about as such—demonstrates why the status of lapsed Catholic writers is so essential to understanding American fiction.

A faith charged with sensory detail, performance, and story, Catholicism seeps into these writers’ lives—making it impossible to gauge their moral senses without appreciating how they refract their Catholic pasts. The fiction of lapsed Catholic writers suggests a longing for spiritual meaning and a continued fascination with the language and feeling of faith, absent God or not: a profound struggle that illuminates their stories, and that speaks to their readers.”

[hogwartslegacypics]

Ominis Gaunt’s Wand

My personal headcanon: hawthorn wood, phoenix feather core, 11-12 inches, slightly unyielding OR yielding

Starting with the wood, I think his wand is made from Hawthorn wood. I’m not 100% confident in this though because there are some other woods I think also fit him, and the color of his wand doesn’t really help narrow it down much. If not Hawthorn, I think it could be Black Walnut or Ebony. I was also considering Acacia, Ash, Elm, Fir, Hornbeam, Poplar, and Yew at one point.

“The wandmaker Gregorovitch wrote that hawthorn ‘makes a strange, contradictory wand, as full of paradoxes as the tree that gave it birth, whose leaves and blossoms heal, and yet whose cut branches smell of death.’ While I disagree with many of Gregorovitch’s conclusions, we concur about hawthorn wands, which are complex and intriguing in their natures, just like the owners who best suit them. Hawthorn wands may be particularly suited to healing magic, but they are also adept at curses, and I have generally observed that the hawthorn wand seems most at home with a conflicted nature, or with a witch or wizard passing through a period of turmoil. Hawthorn is not easy to master, however, and I would only ever consider placing a hawthorn wand in the hands of a witch or wizard of proven talent, or the consequences might be dangerous. Hawthorn wands have a notable peculiarity: their spells can, when badly handled, backfire.” – Mr. Ollivander

I feel like this fits for Ominis because he is not what you’d expect (“a strange, contradictory wand, as full of paradoxes as the tree that gave it birth”). A Gaunt born in a house of dark magic who hates dark magic, and who isn’t about their pure-blooded nonsense either (can’t remember if this is confirmed or just a headcanon). It even fits for him being a Slytherin too, not to say that all Slytherins like dark magic and blood status, but yanno what I mean. It’s also the same wood of Draco Malfoy’s wand and it makes me wonder if it was intentional of the developers to give Ominis the same wood as another wealthy blond pure-blood sacred 28 Slytherin boy pressured into the dark arts by his family who’s almost an opposite (or a “contradiction”) of Ominis personality wise, while both having the “contradictory wand.” Also, the “passing through a period of turmoil” fits too.

Now I’m going to give some brief quotes from the descriptions of the other woods that I think fit for Ominis.

Black walnut: “seeks a master of good instincts and powerful insight,” “it is abnormally attuned to inner conflict,” “Paired with a sincere, self-aware owner, it becomes one of the most loyal and impressive wands of all.”

Ebony: “Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves,” “non-conformist, highly individual or comfortable with the status of outsider,” “the ebony wand’s perfect match is one who will hold fast to his or her beliefs, no matter what the external pressure, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose.”

Side note: I wrote this wand wood section with his black wand in mind. Still not sure which one is officially his (which is why you’ll see three diff wands in this post) but Hawthorn fits personality wise regardless. So many possible wood options because I don’t even know if it’s brown or black. Seb’s was easier to choose because there were much less options.

Moving onto the core, I think Ominis has a phoenix feather core due to his wand’s loyalty and just how unique the wand itself is. I know unicorn hair cores are loyal too, but I feel like the pickiness of the phoenix feather core in combination with how special/unique his wand is makes it extra loyal (if that makes sense), like it has no chance of ever changing allegiance. It’s very personalized to him (the wand chooses the wizard, and his takes that to the extreme, it’s almost like it was made for him), and I think it would refuse to operate for anyone else. It just all seems very phoenix feather core-ish to me.

It is possible he could have a unicorn hair core, but I think it’s safe to completely rule out a dragon heartstring core. They are the least loyal wands, and due to everything I just explained, I can’t see his wand ever performing well for anyone else.

Phoenix feather cores are also known to “show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord,” which seems very accurate considering his wand literally navigates him. According to Sebastian, it’s “almost sentient.”

Lastly, they’re capable of the greatest range of magic, which I think goes along with it having the ability to navigate Ominis. Might not be outwardly great, but it certainly is to Ominis, and it’s definitely not something you see every wand do, hence the “range.”

Next up is the length! According to Ollivander, “longer wands tend to be drawn to bigger personalities, and those of a more spacious and dramatic style of magic.” Longer wands also work well with taller witches and wizards and are best suited to bold personalities. I head canon Sebastian as having a long wand for that reason, but that doesn’t really fit for Ominis. He keeps more to himself and is more introverted, but he certainty has moments where he’s not afraid to speak up and really get in your face about things he’s passionate about (like confronting MC, a new student he barely knew, about the Undercroft, and never hesitating to call Sebastian out on his dark arts bullshit). I think his wand would probably be about 11-12 inches.

Lastly, we have wand flexibility. Wand flexibility denotes the degree of adaptability and willingness to change possessed by the wand-and-owner pair. Ominis is pretty stubborn but I don’t think he’s too stubborn. He does stick to his beliefs, and I think it would be impossible to get him to change them/the way he thinks, but at the same time MC never had too much difficulty convincing him to do things that he was against doing (the scriptorium, keeping the relic). I think his wand is somewhere in the mid to unbending scale, possibility “slightly yielding.”

Slightly yielding: Wand owners with slightly yielding wands are often very kind and compassionate, but they may have some reluctance in trusting others since they possess a strong sense of skepticism. It usually takes a lot of strong arguing before the owner of this wand will believe claims that don’t make any sense to them.

Now that I’m reading more flexibilities, I actually think it could be “unyielding” because the definition fits so well. Ollivander does say it’s about “degree of adaptability and willingness to change possessed by the wand-and-owner pair.” THE PAIR. I feel like his wand being extremely loyal/personalized to him could make it an unyielding wand, especially because Ominis is pretty stubborn himself. Please comment which you think it could be because I can only make one poll a post unfortunately.

Unyielding: A wand of this flexibility finely tunes itself to its original owner’s preferences and doesn’t stray from those preferences, even in the hands of a new owner; the new owner will just have to get used to it. It is particularly good for combative and healing magic. Unyielding wand owners tend to be very confident in themselves and/or in the things they believe in. They tend to be intelligent, somewhat cynical, and usually have well-defined principles that they will not stray from ever. Sometimes, this combination can lead to arrogance because of them insisting on how right they are without considering other points of view or whether or not they might be wrong.

[memesimage-blog]

Motivational Quotes about Learning Life Lessons

Unlock the secrets to a more enlightened life through our curated collection of ‘Quotes about Learning Life Lessons.’ Dive into a world of wisdom and inspiration from the greatest minds in history. These quotes offer profound insights into personal growth, resilience, and the art of living meaningfully. Whether you’re seeking motivation, guidance, or a fresh perspective, our carefully selected quotes are here to illuminate your journey.

Join us on a journey of self-discovery as we explore timeless wisdom and contemporary insights. These ‘Quotes for Life Lessons‘ cover a wide range of topics, from love and adversity to success and perseverance.

Whether you’re looking for daily inspiration, meaningful reflections, or guidance for navigating life’s challenges, our collection has something for everyone. Let these quotes be your companions on the path to a more fulfilling and enlightened life.

“If you seek the dwelling of the soul, you are the soul. If you search for a piece of bread, you are the bread. If you can grasp this exact idea, you will understand. All I seek is you (My Lord).”

“In this journey of life, we will all experience various events, both bad and good. Regardless of how strong we are or how much we trust, there will be difficult times that come hard, shaking us. “However, we must not be discouraged as long as we keep trusting in God. We must bounce back.

“The best people are humble in their modesty, content with what they have, and fair despite their power.”

“If there is someone who is angry with you but has never done you any harm, consider him your friend. Being angry will reveal the true nature of man.

“My son, the first thing you should seek after believing in God is honest friends. They are like trees that give you shade and provide you with food. If they are not beneficial, they will not harm you.”

“Confidence is when you pray to God for something, and all the signs around you show it is impossible, but in your heart, you have complete faith and confidence that God will grant your request.”

“Let’s begin by exploring love first, for everything else will follow in due time.”

“Everything that doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

“You will be ungrateful for your teacher’s favor if you remain a student for life.”

“Beauty may lack virtue, but virtue never lacks beauty.”

“Dealing with people of different mindsets, personalities, and ethics requires patience, understanding, and sometimes deliberate forgiveness.”

“Be the shepherd when faced with a herd of cattle.”

“Democracy is letting everyone speak, then doing as you please.”

“Life is a river that carries us along, and on its shores, life unfolds.”

“The treasures of the heart cannot be stolen.”

“Morality is a perpetual virtue.”

“Those who lack modesty have hearts that wither.”

“There’s no true friendship without sincerity.”

“With effort and diligence, nothing is impossible.”

“A student’s hope for success is what drives them to strive.”

“I’ve learned to love all people, and I’ve learned that with effort and dedication, nothing is impossible.”

“A sincere word carries resonance.”

“There’s no real security without happiness.”

“I discovered the paradox that when you love to the point of pain and continue to love, there’s no more pain, only more love.”

“Sincerity is only meaningful when accompanied by loyalty.”

“Perhaps it’s good to love with reason and wisdom, but it’s truly delightful to love passionately.”

“Love is like a red nose; its possessor cannot hide it from view.”

“Hope is a motivating force that opens the heart to action.”

“Don’t look back; you might stumble and fall.”

“Hope pushes the lazy towards diligence and struggle.”

“The silent, gentle prayers of a mother can never lose their way to the wellspring of goodness.”

“The love of money can turn the wise into fools.”

“The wealthiest people have the most friends.”

“I want ears that don’t hear and eyes that don’t see, rather than a heart that doesn’t love.”

“When a woman loves, love becomes her religion, and her beloved becomes a subject of devotion and worship.”

“Life is a school you must attend, but learning in it is optional.”

“Not every fall is an end; sometimes the fall of rain is a beautiful beginning.”

“If beauty attracts the eyes, then morality captures the hearts.”

“Creativity is when a person emerges from the depths of failure to become an example.”

“Hope creates the motivations for struggle.”

“Yesterday is gone and will never return, but tomorrow’s knowledge lies with God.”

“It’s not important that bad things happen; what’s crucial is that they don’t happen repeatedly.”

“Friendship is the only rose without thorns.”

“When trust exists between rulers and the ruled, both can rest assured in each other.”

“Honesty and integrity are the noblest qualities a person can possess.”

“A person without a goal is like a ship without a rudder; both will end up on the rocks.”

“Everyone wants to change the world around them, but few think about changing themselves.”

“If we respond to negativity with negativity, when will it end?”

“To be a woman’s first love means nothing; you should strive to be her last, for that is everything.”

“Love is like a red nose; its possessor cannot hide it from view.”

“Love preserves beauty, and a woman’s skin is nourished by affection, just as bees feed on the nectar of flowers.”

“Friendship is a treasure, and those who protect their treasure remain rich.”

“It’s not about knowing when to speak; it’s about knowing when to be silent.”

“A person without a goal is like a ship without a rudder; both will end up on the rocks.”

“Everyone wants to change the world around them, but few think about changing themselves.”

“We misunderstand love when we describe it as a fire; true human love turns to embers, not ashes.”

[agerasiaa]

:)

welcome to my messy page

…current hyperfixations: gravity falls (dipper), tmf (drake), hazbin hotel (radiosilence), ninjago (kai), the owl house (hunter), south park (kyle)

I'm Ash, that person you meet once, have a couple minutes of conversation with, and never talk to again because the experience is awkward for everyone involved.

I don't like to leave my house, but I’m forced to due to university and responsibilities and social life and such (ew!). I do like being a part of multiple fandoms, wasting my life in front of glowing screens. No, I’m not fatherless. Yes, I do own a pink ukulele.

Writing is my passion. If I don't get myself killed, I'll write a book one day. For now, I’ll settle for fan fiction which I think should have as much cultural importance as literature. I try my hand at poetry too.

English is not my first language. Thus, my grammar might suck without me realizing it. Sometimes I have these phases where I think I Majorly Suck and therefore everything I do also Majorly Sucks. Like my writing. Yay.

(Take care! I hope you have a reason to smile today, tomorrow and the day after that <3)

[glowingbadger]

Could we get some thirst drabbles of Things Kurama would say in bed? And what he'd like to hear maybe?

As both his Yoko kurama time and later when he's also shuichi minamino please

:)

Y'know this was further down on my list technically speaking, but I need a Kurama break lol. As a side note, I feel like the MAIN difference between Kurama and Youko in bed is the difference between a quietly confident soft-Dom, and a cold, cruel hard-Dom. Both absolutely wonderful, of course~

CW: degradation, sub-dom

Youko & Human Kurama x GN Reader- Dirty talk HCs

NSFW 18+

Youko

Both of your wrists are held fast against your bed by one of Youko's hands, his grip hard and unyielding as he torments you. Your face is planted against your pillow as he looms over you from behind, easily surrounding your body with his presence. By now, you've been subjected to more pleasurable torture than you'd thought you could endure; his strong hands had punished and bruised your ass and thighs, long fingers had guided you to the brink of release only to abandon you- and all the while, that low, rumbling voice mocked you.

"How abjectly pathetic," he murmurs, hardly exerting an ounce of strength to keep you pinned beneath him, "So small- so frail... Do you even realize how effortlessly I could break you?" A large hand cups your asscheek, his rough handling causing your lingering bruises to ache. You try to stifle a whine, but his superior hearing can't be fooled.

"To think that I have lowered myself to mating with a human," he muses softly, "If Shuichi did not long for you so, you would not even be granted the privilege of worshipping me."

"Please..." you squeak out, but you don't manage another word before the strange sliding sensation of vines around your lower thighs draws you attention. Youko gives a low, haughty laugh as his plants do their work, and soon enough, his hand has been replaced by vines around your wrists while another set spreads you thighs.

"Please what?" he demands, positioning himself as though to mount you like a wild beast. His lips brush the shell of your ear, and it's the gentlest he's been with you all night.

"Please... use me," you whimper, straining to glance up at his powerful frame behind you, "Ma- Mate with me, please- I can't take any more-!"

His hand at your throat presses you down onto the pillow.

"Very well," he says, and for a single delusional moment, you think he's softened to you. Then, the hot, thick head of his cock presses against your opening. His words overtake your desperate moans as he pushes into you, inch by huge, throbbing inch, "But know this, human: you will never truly be my mate. You are not my equal, do you understand? Consider yourself fortunate that I deign to use you for my own satisfaction."

Something resembling "yes" falls from your lips amidst strangled cries as Youko's hips begin to move. His pace is harsh and deep, plunging into you as though you truly are no better than a vessel for his use. And when he growls dark things into your ears- things about pollen that will stimulate your body, poisons that will immobilize you beneath him- you're more than happy to fill the role.

'Human' Kurama:

Emerald green eyes feast on the sight of you bound to the bed in elaborate twisted and knotted vines. It was frankly quite artful how he's tied you into a blooming web beneath him- yet he's enjoyed toying with you for some time now, and you're not certain how much more you can take. You're trembling just slightly, your skin marked in a few choice places that just might be seen if you don't consider your attire very carefully for the next few days. Your body aches with the strain of over-stimulation, and with the paradoxical need to feel him inside of you. Yet, Kurama leans over you and brushes your hair from your face with a tenderness not quite matching the depravity of the view he's enjoying.

"Ku-Kurama, please..."

"Hush, love, just a little more," he says softly, and while his words are comforting, there's a calculated confidence in his gaze that you recognize from past battles. Dexterous fingers are at work between your thighs, already coated in your juices and yet still milking ever more agonizing pleasure from you. Your eyes silently plead with him, but he says, "Be good for me, won't you? I'll take care of you, I promise- but I need you to behave for just a little longer. You can do that for me, dearest."

His fingertips brush some indescribable spot, raw and over-sensitive from a night of teasing. Your body wants to arch up from the bed, but Kurama's bindings hold you firmly in place. With large, tragic eyes you gaze at him and murmur,

"Please, Kurama- I- I can't do it..."

He sighs, as though managing an unruly child, and leans in close to nuzzle your neck. With his lips warm against your skin, he takes in your scent at his leisure, yet never eases his pleasurable touch.

"Come now, my love- if you're good just a little longer, I'll unbind you once I decide to claim you," his voice is even, downright reasonable, and your will begins to fracture. He must be able to sense you returning to obedience, as he adds, "That's right, just like that- behave for me and you can do whatever you like when I make you mine."

With a last weakened whimper, you bite down on your lip and resolve to take whatever Kurama chooses for you, for as long as he likes. His gentle, soothing tone tames you instantly, and you can't help but want to be very, very good for him.

[dreamingsnowflake2013]

Chapter 47 is extremely important since it lays ground for major developments&storylines in Season 2, therefore I've decided to write a very detailed analysis, dissecting every gesture, every look and every hidden meaning. 

Painter of the Night is a work of visual art which tells a story via imagery, thus the visual component constitues the most important part of it. It stems from the fact that there is limited space for dialogues. Not only does it allow Byeonduck to make most of it with her extraordinary artistic talent, it also makes each sentence that much more poignant and important. Nothing is redudant, every word counts and is loaded with ambiguity, every sigh and pause hold a meaning, and even the silence resonates and speaks volumes. All this is even more crucial when the story takes place in an era where each piece of clothing, a person’s hairstyle or the place where they stood or sat in a room also revealed their place in society; and even more so, when both its protagonists are people who have difficulties expressing their true feelings and intention by words. The time Seungho and Nakyum spend in the master’s chamber in the morning almost seems mundane, but as always, first impressions are deceiving. They don’t talk much, yet their whole communication is loaded with meaning. And remember, communication is much more than mere words or their literal meaning. It doesn’t lead to anything sexual, still the air trembles with the attraction between them.

The crux of the issue is the social divide which separates Seungho and Nakyum I mentioned previously. During the whole scene the dynamic between the two men keeps constantly changing together with their literal positions in the room which symbolize their actual positions in the Joseon society and how those positions start to shift due to the feelings they have for each other. Seungho is almost unconsciously trying to bridge that divide by treating Nakyum more and more as his equal. It isn’t a deliberate behaviour on his part but instinctive. He sees the painter as his lover, therefore he treats him as his lover because, gradually, Nakyum’s social standing has ceased to matter to him. In the beginning, he had called him a lowborn very often, demeaning him, but he used it less and less until he almost stopped completely. The last time being when he got frustrated after Nakyum basically asked him to have rebound sex with him because Inhun had called him a prostitute. Thus, the ever-changing dynamic in this scene is the result of the nobleman trying to overcome the chasm which separates them and keeps him from being close to his young lover.

To start with, there is the mere fact that Nakyum is present during Seungho’s daily dressing ritual which is a deeply private and intimate affair usually only wives had the privilege and right to attend. However, a wife would never kneel in a position of subjugation on the hard floor at the far side of the room with her eyes lowered to the ground. And Seungho won’t have it because he is always observing Nakyum and never takes his eyes off him, noticing everything about him, including the painter’s blushing cheeks and the quiver of his lashes. So he starts to woo Nakyum even though it’s still only morning. 

First, he lowkey informs him that he doesn’t fuck anyone else, basically telling him “I have only you. You are the only one for me.” in his own way, and then he proceeds to actually ADMIT that HE LOVES NAKYUM’S BLUSHES, he loves when Nakyum blushes because of him. He genuinely tries to put into words his appreciation and affection and show them to Nakyum, albeit clumsily. At first glance, it might seem as his typical, teasing remark but it’s not. In fact, it sounds like a shy but intimate and sincere confession. 

We don’t see Seungho’s face when he admits he likes seeing Nakyum blush, only his robe, and together with the split second when he ponders Nakyum’s question about his kindness, IT IS THE ONLY TIME SEUNGHO LOOKS AWAY FROM NAKYUM, other than that Seungho never takes his eyes off him. During these two fleeting moments he reveals his vulnerablity while, at the same time, trying to hide it by turning his back to Nakyum so the painter wouldn’t notice it. I love how Byeonduck doesn’t show his expressions to the readers during these moments, but still gives them visual clues to uncover the truth if they read between the lines and notice Seungho’s body language. It’s not about discovering the visible but about seeing the invisible, what is hidden in plain sight. The same narrative means is used to show Nakyum’s reaction to Seungho’s explanation why he’s been so kind to him: we only see his chin, never his eyes or facial expression in that moment.

Of course Seungho immediately guesses that Nakyum hasn’t eaten yet, because at this point he knows him that much, and moves fast to remedy the mistake, because he already cares about him that much.

Talking about bridging the divide, when Seungho orders Nakyum’s meal to be brought along with his, he’s doing exactly that. Commoners don’t eat while sitting next to noblemen. It’s simply not done but that’s exactly what’s Nakyum doing now. At Seungho’s bidding, he moves from his kneeling position on the other side of the room to the nobleman’s side, making the distance between them smaller both literally and figeratively. He is sitting next to Seungho as his equal on a place which is reserved for honored guests, wives or family members.

What follows might be one of the most interesting pieces of dialogue in the entire chapter 47. Once again, we don’t see Seungho’s face, only the table with food which makes it appear as a mere small talk or an off-handed comment, but it isn’t. Being a manhwa, Painter of the Night lacks the acoustic mode therefore the reader has no way of finding out the tone, intonation or timbre of the character’s voice unless they see his facial expression. However, Byeonduck deliberately doesn’t show it to us at very particular moments. Those moments are rare but by hiding the facial expression, she paradoxically brings readers closer to the characters because suddenly, for a brief moment, they feel exactly like her characters: in those moments, the readers have no idea  what is going thorough Seungho’s mind and what he really feels, in those moments they are at a loss, or misunderstanding or left guessing just like Nakyum is during the whole scene. In those moments, the readers are not all-knowing and can relate to Nakyum because they feel the same.

So when Seungho mentions the erotic painting, and you don’t take the red herring and dismiss it as his usual teasing, you suddenly realize there is a double meaning to his sentence. First, the noble never really ordered Nakyum to come to him with his paintings in the morning. Is it possible that the blushing Nakyum actually used that painting as an excuse to see Seungho? Especially after being so needy the previous night? He himself admits that he can’t go anywhere without him and it’s not like he has any friends in the Yoon household he could talk to. His answer clearly pleases the noble, thus his satisfied smirk. However, more imporantly, it shows that SEUNGHO WANTS FROM NAKYUM MORE THAN HIS BODY and is making a genuine, if inept effort, to tell him. He is basically saying:”I know you think of me as some sex-crazed maniac/deviant and I don’t deny I’m horny and crazy about your ass, but I am not a beast who wants to fuck you all the time. Even I crave closeness and affection and I want more from you than your painting and your body. So much more.”

When his food turns inedible and Nakyum turns to leave to take his meal in the kitchen, he isn’t trying to use it as an excuse to leave but does it out of consideration so he wouldn’t disturb the nobleman farther during his breakfast. However, judging from his slightly pained expression and instant reaction, it seems Seungho misunderstands Nakyum’s consideration for an unwillingness to spend time with him. The person he considers his lover is trying to leave him and it seems he would rather share his meal with servants in a dirty kitchen than spend time with him. That’s how he probably perceives it. There is also Nakyum’s reaction which is really telling. Previously, he would be scared and skittish if Seungho asked him a question like that, plus, he used to be noticebly uncomfortable in his presence. However, now, he is blushing and bashful but he doesn’t look frightened or uncomfortable. If anything, it’s as if he’s gained a shy confidence and learned to speak his mind with Seungho.

And then comes another shift as Seungho takes more steps to bridge the divide between him and Nakyum. Not only does he openly agree with Nakyum that he has never been a servant, he even admits that he himself DOES NOT CONSIDER HIM A SERVANT = “You’re not a servant. The servants are unworthy of you. You don’t belong in my kitchen. Your place is by my side.”

Following this interaction, Seungho suddenly says:”...come HERE.” What does the word “here” mean here?  – “Come CLOSER. Come TO ME.” So once again, the distance that sepates them grows smaller, or rather, Seungho makes it smaller, reduces it until he can touch Nakyum and there is finallly no distance between them at all.

Some pictures are worth more than a thousand words. Seungho has used to claim that all he wanted from Nakyum were his paintings and sex, but now the gorgeous explicit painting of them copulating is left forgotten on the floor. Seungho doesn’t even spare it a glance, all his attention and thoughts belong to the real man in front of him. There is no ulterior sexual motive in the way he touches him or worries about his well-being. Thus, Seungho’s explanation that he keeps Nakyum to have sex with him and then portray it on canvas is the lamest excuse ever. And these open exhibits of physical affection and closeness that doesn’t lead to anything sexual have been appearing more and more.

This one image both showing them making love and their real selves completely lost in a world of their own perfectly illustrates all the dichotomy, nuance, emotions and complex issues that lie just below the surface. If the audience read Painter of the Night superficially, they will only see the “filthy” erotic painting, that is, only one dimension of the story and then they will disregard it as a whole, just like the servant who only sees the surface of the painting but not its beauty and feelings behind it, much less the growing love between its author and his master.

I already wrote I long piece about the way Seungho pampers Nakyum and goes out of his way to make sure that he isn’t injured, so I’m skipping this part. However, what no one talked about is how Seungho gives his place at the table to Nakyum because the significance of the gesture is huge, even more so in Joseon society where every piece of furniture and clothing denoted a person’s status and worth. That seat was reserved only for the master of the house and not even wives got to sit there. So once again Seungho makes the distance between him and Nakyum smaller as he gives Nakyum a privileged position, literally making him his equal by seating him on his place.

And it really is the sight of Nakyum being treated as Seungho’s equal rather than the erotic painting itself which causes the servant to dislike Nakyum so much. The painting is only a trigger. Because in the servant’s POV, here is a lowborn boy who is considered by the society even more lowly than himself but is treated better than noble wives. Nakyum has been elevated to a high position but he is left kneeling by his feet, collecting trash from the floor.

When Seungho tells Nakyum to leave it to the servant and eat, he basically publicly claims Nakyum as his equal and makes a distinction between him and the servant. It almost feels as if he were doing it on purpose, to show the servants what Nakyum’s position is, the same way he did when he ordered the kitchen maid that Nakyum was not to eat in the kitchen.

People often describe the servant as homophobic but that’s 99,9% of Joseon society. What is much more imporant here is that he is envious and bigoted. Because the main issue isn’t so much about the fact that Nakyum has been having gay sex with Seungho, but that he is a lowborn AND he actually does have any sex with SH since in that era having extramarrital sex was considered amoral. The truth is that had NK been a woman, the servant would have reacted the same. Also, if NK were a nobleman, the servant would never dare to even look him in the eyes, much less insult him in such a manner. So this really shows that one of the main obstacles which separates Seungho and Nakyum is the social divide between them. 

And from them two, it’s Seungho who has the necessary means and power to bridge that gap and offer his hand to Nakyum, whereas Nakyum needs to have the courage and confidence to take that hand, hold it tight and never let go.

[dessarious]

Guilt and Consequences Pt8

AO3   Beginning   Previous   Next

Lila had no idea how long she sat there, trying to remember anything about her father, or supposed sister, but she came up completely blank. Considering how young she had to have been in that dream it made sense, but it was still frustrating. Her mother never mentioned her father, let alone any other family. Lila remembered asking once, after she’d been put in a school for the first time because the other kids asked her about it. She’d lied to them of course, but it had made her curious. That question had gotten her grounded for a month so she never brought up the subject again.

Maybe that was why her mother disliked her. If she’d been the cause of her father’s death it would make sense. Well, assuming her mother actually loved the man. Given that there was nothing in her life to indicate he even existed except Lila herself she highly doubted it. None of this made sense. And that was before she added in the possible sister that most likely wasn’t her mother’s daughter. If her dream was at all accurate, she looked nothing like them and spoke with an American accent. So a half sister most likely. The next question was obviously what had happened to her? Lila felt fairly confident that they’d both made it out of that building, even if she didn’t know why, so the most likely scenario is that she went to live with her mother or other family. It was probably for the best. Given the way the woman treated her, Lila didn’t even want to think about how she’d be with someone else’s kid she got stuck with.

“Are you alright?” Lila started and looked up to find Ladybug’s concerned look. When had she gotten back? When did it get dark for that matter? She stood up before answering.

“Fine.” That actually wasn’t a lie. She was always fine.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lila just shook her head. She preferred to work things out on her own for one. Even if she didn’t she wouldn’t make someone whose life she’d made more difficult listen to her issues. Ladybug sighed. “Thanks for the tip on Alya’s powers. Granted, once I told Chat the fight took five times as long because I had to keep him from purposely getting hit, but that was my error in judgement.” Lila looked over to see a grimace on the hero’s face and frowned at her.

“Why in the world would he try to get hit?” That was possibly the stupidest thing she’d heard of. Ladybug just shrugged.

“To find out my identity. He figured he could get hit and have someone ask him. Again, it’s my fault for not realizing he’d try that. He’s always been extremely unhappy that we have to keep our identities secret from each other. I think he’s just lonely to be honest.” She looked so tired and Lila felt her temper spike the way it did when she found out what the class had done to Marinette. Why did everyone seem to think this type of thing was normal or okay?

“I don’t care if he’s completely isolated from the world, there’s no reason he should be putting you and all of Paris, or worse, at risk just because he wants to infringe on your boundaries. You shouldn’t have to put up with that period, especially when it makes your job harder.” The girl just blinked at her in confusion and Lila had to wonder what the hell was going on in this city. No, she didn’t have the greatest home life or example but she read a lot. She’d been through enough psychological books and journals to know that none of this was right. Why didn’t anyone seem to see that?

“I should probably get you home.” Ladybug wouldn’t even look her in the eye. Great, she’d screwed up, again. She wanted to apologize but she didn’t know where to even start. With her track record it probably wouldn’t come off as sincere anyway.

“If you just want to get me down to the street I can walk. There’s no reason for you to waste your time on it.” She winced when she realized how harsh that sounded. She really was terrible at social interactions.

“Making sure you get home safe isn’t a waste of time, especially after dark. Your mom’s probably worried.” Lila couldn’t help the derisive snort that left her. Even if she was in the city it was doubtful she’d care unless Lila’s absence became a problem for her. “I’m sure your mother cares about you.”

“I’m sure my mother regularly wishes I’d never been born.” It was moments like these that Lila wished her mouth would consult her brain before opening, but she was certain that wouldn’t ever happen. Ladybug was looking at her with a horrified expression. “Sorry, I’m just tired.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” Lila nodded. Talking didn’t do anything so there really was no point.

“I just want to sleep.” It wouldn’t be a good sleep, but it was better than nothing. Especially since she had to go back to school tomorrow. She didn’t even want to think about that trainwreck.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning started off as badly as she expected it to. Over half the class cornered her in the courtyard demanding to know why she was pretending she’d been lying. By the time they’d given up she’d was hoping for an aneurysm just to be able to stop listening to this nonsense. Then Adrien had shown up to lecture her about getting Alya Akumatized. She’d honestly never wanted to hit someone so much in her life, but she did manage to refrain. She couldn’t refrain from calling him a spineless coward, but that at least got him to walk off in a huff.

“Lila!” She started cursing internally until she realized that had been Marinette’s voice. When she looked over the girl was running towards her waving some papers with a huge grin on her face. That was… weird. As she got closer Marinette tripped on a crack in the pavement and Lila had to move to catch her.

“Are you trying to kill yourself? The idiot squad is going to think you were trying to fall on me on purpose, and I really don’t want to have to deal with one more problem today.” Marinette just gave her a sheepish look. She really had no clue how bad things were.

“I found the perfect school for you!” For some reason her brain refused to understand that sentence.

“I… you… what?” Marinette shoved the papers she was holding in Lila’s face, far to close for her to be able to read anything.

“Look! The classes are by skill level not age so you won’t be bored like you are here. They do small class sizes and even have options for individual study so you can basically make your own curriculum. They’ve got one of the top computer programs in the country and they have a photography club too. Isn’t it great?” Lila finally managed to get the paper out of Marinette’s hands so she could actually read it and realized it was a brochure for a private academy.

“Even if I wanted to, my mother wouldn’t pay to send me to a place like this. Half the reason she keeps sending me to school is to not have to pay for tutors. Besides I’m not going to go off and leave you alone in this asylum. Especially given that the staff are just as bad as the inmates for the most part.” Marinette just gave her a confused frown.

“They’ll calm down in a few days, you’ll see. The school has scholarships you can apply for and look.” She pointed to a section at the bottom of the brochure. “They even have on site housing so the next time your mom has to move for her job you could stay there so your studies don’t get interrupted again.” Lila would admit it was tempting. Truthfully, her mother might pay for it if it meant she didn’t have to see her at all. She scanned the paper and an idea formed.

“I’ll go if you go.” Marinette just blinked at her so she pointed out the possible educational tracks. “There’s an art and design program that would give you a much better education for the future you want than anything you’ll get here. You need to start thinking about your future as well.”

“But I can’t just leave all my friends.” Lila wanted to slam her head into a wall. It would probably hurt less. She’d have to talk to Marinette’s parents. They at least would think about their daughter’s wellbeing and have a much better chance of getting her to do what was best for her.

AO3   Beginning  Previous    Next

Ko-Fi

Tag List

@readeracctagmepls @aestheticnpoetic @akana-sama @schrodingers25 @runestarchild @paradoxal-occurance @heaven428 @animegirlweeb @deepestobservationwombat @iggy-of-fans @yin-390 @thehufflepuffranger-blog @trippingovermyfeet @misslenamooney @ladybug-182 @zalladane @pale-lady-dreamer @smolplantmum @peachedpocky @bezzy-d @naoryllis @sassakitty @18-fandoms-unite-08

[ardenttheories]

And onto that odd little meta piece I was talking about. It’s really more of a fandom observation.

Despite not knowing what Bro looks like, the entire fandom seemed to gravitate towards two ideas: Twunk, or Hunk. Every piece of fanart I’ve seen usually has him thickly built, trim down the waist but broad shouldered and coiled with muscle, or at the very least with some sort of defined musculature that usually isn’t present on other characters. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x

You’ll also typically find a theme with the artist’s choice of expression or facial features; strong jaw, sharp nose, often frowning. 

And this all comes from...

This sprite. A sprite, mind you, that’s exactly the same as this:

And yet the expression of this character is wholly different. 

He’s often drawn slimmer, with slanted shoulders and either a thin dorito-waistline or a relatively similar shoulder to hip ratio. He often has more curved features - his jawline, his nose - and his expression almost always determined or soft. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, x

And for emphasis: this is how two artists chose to draw them side by side. E.g. x, x

It’s also very rare to see people draw Alpha Dave the same height as Bro. From memory - and I got into Homestuck roughly during the height of the Alpha kids’ popularity - most of the fanart I saw with any instance of Bro and A!Dave in the same image had a pretty fair height difference. 

Again: this comes from the exact same sprite. When you layer Bro’s sprite over A!Dave’s, you’ll be able to fit them together pixel to pixel (except, of course, the arm - A!Dave’s got his arm up holding the sword, unlike Bro - and the jawline - which is much more curved than Bro’s, but when we actually see Alpha Dave’s sprite in canon, it isn’t really long enough to focus on this tiny feature [especially when you consider that Grandpa Harley has the same face shape, but people still draw him with a defined jawline]). 

So, why so different? Why would people draw these two characters so wildly different when, for instance... 

Both Moms are drawn almost exactly the same. 

It’s pretty obvious when you think about it, but it’s also an incredibly important thing to note if you ever plan on creating your own characters. 

Character interactions define how we view characters that have yet to be introduced or do not have a wholly set image. 

When we think of Bro, we have to be realistic: we know absolutely nothing about who he is as a person, or what he looks like, besides the information that we get from Dave. So, when we get the information that he’s physically abusive, that he has cameras around the entire apartment, partakes in puppet snuff for the sake of a pornographic website, leaves such pornographic paraphenalia around the apartment for a young Dave to see, and that he’s emotionally closed off and distant, we immediately start to form an image of him in our minds that’s based on what we can define as an amalgamation of toxic masculinity and male abusers. 

It’s not exactly hard to imagine why the most common fanart of him circulates as a tall, imposing, broad figure who barely smiles and would be incredibly hard to get around in a small, dark alley. 

We also need to remember, of course, that Dave is a child while he describes Bro. An adult is almost always going to be tall and imposing to a child - is always going to be stronger and physically more capable than a child. 

Bro could be the most average joe you’ve ever met, but because we learn about him from the viewpoint of a child who quite literally cannot fight back, the image of him becomes tilted to the buff end of the spectrum. 

He becomes someone we would fear seeing. Someone who could overpower us, and not just a child under his care. He is big and strong because that is how Dave sees him, and that is how we come to understand him as a character.

Big, strong, violent, with sexual overtness and a lack of emotion. It’s pretty much the only way you can imagine him, even when his sprite is incredibly lacking in detail. 

So, why the softness for Alpha Dave? 

Pretty simply, because we already know who Dave is by the time Alpha Dave is introduced. People already had an idea of what Dave looked like, who he’d be when he grew up. People had already decided that Dave, being so different from Bro, being such a hero, would never be able to achieve the same sort of toxic masculinity that Bro did - would never have the same shape, the same musculature, that comes with that toxic imagery. 

 We also got told about him by a young teen who absolutely idolised him. Who emphasised his good traits and spoke about how absolutely badass he was. 

The connotations with Alpha Dave are so much more positive than with Bro. That in and of itself would have changed how people drew him. But when you combine him with the concept that he’s Dave, the Dave that went through all that abuse and came out the other side hating everything that Bro stood for, it’s hard not to draw him as Bro’s nigh complete opposite. 

So, he’s smaller. He’s got less of that musculature that people associate with toxic masculinity (the ability to overpower someone smaller), and he has a much closer shoulder-to-hip ratio (something that makes him take up less space, and come across as less imposing). He smiles more, he emotes more, he’s much more emotionally open - and even when he’s meant to be “cool”, it’s often with some sort of smug or determined look, not the ever-present blankness or snarl that we see from Bro. 

He loses all of the traits that we’d associate with an abuser. Instead, he becomes a pretty ordinary hero - someone who can stand up and fight back, but isn’t overly heroic or powerful. Someone who might still struggle, but can handle things. 

This is despite the fact, of course, that we know nothing about Alpha Dave’s upbringing or life besides what Dirk tells us - and Brain Ghost Dirk, at that. Unreliable narrators are not a good place to find valuable information, and, once again, the in-comic sprite is literally the exact same as Bro’s.

Fandom perception is an incredibly powerful thing. 

So, what about Dirk? How does he fare in all of this?

Dirk’s actually a weird figure in everything, and this comes down to a very simple yet paradoxical concept:

We already had ideas on who Bro was, yet we actively get to see who Dirk is. 

It’s very hard to go into something expecting one person and getting another. We can see all those notes in Dirk that we saw in Bro - the toxic tendencies, the hyper masculinity, the divorced note from people and emotions - but we see them within the specific framework of a teenager with mental illness. 

This isn’t just an asshole, abusive adult. This is that adult’s younger self in a better mindset to try and do good by the people he loves. We see this time and time again - when he says how much he cares about Roxy, when he expresses his guilt that he couldn’t be romantically invested in her, when he shares the fears he holds of his splinters, when he admits that Bro is exactly what he could be and is genuinely scared of being - that he is the foundation of Bro, but not Bro in a very important way. 

It’s also needless to say that people connected with Dirk in the exact same way that people connected with Dave. When you look at a lot of vent art involving him, it’s almost always about mental illness - anxiety, impulsive or intrusive thoughts, a desperate need for control in life, self harm or a dislike for oneself - and a fair bit of generic art revolving around Dirk includes some sort of deeper mental struggle. 

He’s a victim, in a similar way that Dave is, but he’s also just far enough that he could be a villain. 

You find that a lot of fanart therefore shows this paradoxical nature. 

In some, he’s softer. The ratio between his hips and his shoulders is narrower, his jawline is more curved. E.g. x, x, x, x

In others, he’s sharper. He’s drawn with more defined muscle, with a stronger jawline and broader shoulders, and though he’s definitely slim you can definitely see just how close he is to becoming the same figure as Bro. E.g. x, x, x, x, x 

And in others, he’s an odd mix of both. A brooding figure with a softer jawline, but still imposing and sharp in his own right - or even the complete opposite, with sharp features and defined shapes, but slimmer and smaller, much less imposing. E.g. x, x, x, x, x, 

So, I think we can make a pretty firm observation that the way Dirk is drawn reflects how the artist views his journey and his struggles. Whether he’s his own person, closer to Bro, or somewhere stuck in between. 

As you can see from most of this art, there’s a few ways that people draw Dirk; raring to fight and smug/confident, fairly sombre and down, almost tired, or standoffish and closed off. Even this is somewhere in between the way people view Bro and Alpha Dave. 

So, it’s then interesting to take a look at the Epilogues. 

New art of Dirk was produced in line with the Meat Epilogue. And while I really only know of one piece that catches my eye every time I see it, I think it’s important to point out that, in almost all of these images, one of two body types appear for Dirk:

1) Broad, muscular, tall. He takes up space and commands attention. Sharp features, wider shoulders.

2) Smaller, less imposing, yet somehow intimidating in just the expressions he makes and the way he holds himself. If you can imagine any fuckboy you’d be scared of being cornered by at a party, you’ve got a good idea of this style of fanart. 

In other words, either tipped way more to looking like Bro, or so close to looking like something you’d be scared of IRL - which perfectly reflects how uncomfortable he feels within the narration of the Epilogue, and some of the more questionable things he has happen in it. 

I also want to just add in as a side note: almost all of the links I added about Dirk go to Pinterest for sake of ease for people to find other images for reference, since I’m really just collecting the art I like most. On most of the Dirk ones, scrolling down will reveal the aforementioned vent art; on most of the Dave ones, scrolling down will reveal much softer, sweeter pieces of art involving him and people he’s loved throughout the comic. Just something interesting to add into this discussion - think about what that means for how people view either Strider.

So, what was all of this about?

Honestly, it’s me just pointing out how important character opinions and preconceived ideas are to the way people view other characters. So much of the way we see Bro is influenced by how Dave sees him and our cultural understanding of what toxic, hypermasculine male abusers look like. So much of the way we see Alpha Dave is based around our understanding of Dave, and what little we can fill in from Brain Ghost Dirk, rather than on who he actually is as a person (and we could be wrong; we could be very, very wrong). So much of the way of the way we see Dirk is influenced by Bro, and yet by what we see in canon. 

If we had different ideas and different opinions from different characters, we might draw each of them wildly different. But it is this specific combination of lack of physical description and cultural association/character perception that ensures we draw them the way they are. 

[tarysande]

Hi tarysande! I remember a little while ago you mentioned you were applying to creative writing MFA programs. Just wondering how that went? I'm thinking of applying to some myself, and curious about the process.

I ended up only applying to the one. I was wait-listed but ended up not getting in. And you know, that’s totally fine. Right around the time I found out I’d been wait-listed, I ended up reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. There was a section called Schooling, where she talks some real talk about going into debt to get an MFA and ... you know what, I’m just going to C&P that part. Because I don’t think people talk enough about how debt can destroy creativity. I have been there before and I do not recommend it. If I had been really committed to teaching at the university level—I do think an MFA would’ve proven useful. But to be honest, I think I’d much rather work one-on-one with people, or run small, personal workshops--and I don’t need extra letters after my name for that.

Would I have done the program if I’d gotten in? Debt and all? I don’t know. Maybe. It was pretty prestigious (even being wait-listed was ... a big deal). But I know this section of this book basically grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “THINK HARD ABOUT THIS.” And thinking hard is always worth doing.

Schooling, from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic.

I never got an advanced degree in writing. I don’t have an advanced degree in anything, actually. I graduated from NYU with a bachelor’s degree in political science (because you have to major in something) and I still feel lucky to have received what I consider to have been an excellent, old-fashioned, broad-minded liberal arts education. While I always knew that I wanted to be a writer, and while I took a few writing classes as an undergrad, I chose not to seek out a master’s of fine arts in creative writing once I was finished at NYU. I was suspicious of the idea that the best place for me to find my voice would be in a room filled with fifteen other young writers trying to find their voices. Also, I wasn’t exactly sure what an advanced degree in creative writing would afford me. Going to an arts school is not like going to dentistry school, for instance, where you can be pretty certain of finding a job in your chosen field once your studies are over. And while I do think it’s important for dentists to be officially credentialed by the state (and airline pilots, and lawyers, and manicurists, for that matter), I am not convinced that we need officially credentialed novelists. History seems to agree with me on this point. Twelve North American writers have won the Nobel Prize in Literature since 1901: Not one of them had an MFA. Four of them never even got past high school. These days, there are plenty of staggeringly expensive schools where you can go to study the arts. Some of them are fabulous; some of them, not so much. If you want to take that path, go for it—but know that it’s an exchange, and make certain that this exchange truly benefits you. What the schools get from the exchange is clear: your money. What the students get out of the exchange depends on their devotion to learning, the seriousness of the program, and the quality of the teachers. To be sure, you can learn discipline in these programs, and style, and perhaps even courage. You may also meet your tribe at art school—those peers who will provide valuable professional connections and support for your ongoing career. You might even be lucky enough to find the mentor of your dreams, in the form of a particularly sensitive and engaged teacher. But I worry that what students of the arts are often seeking in higher education is nothing more than proof of their own legitimacy—proof that they are for real as creative people, because their degree says so. On one hand, I completely understand this need for validation; it’s an insecure pursuit, to attempt to create. But if you’re working on your craft every day on your own, with steady discipline and love, then you are already for real as a creator, and you don’t need to pay anybody to affirm that for you. If you’ve already gone out and earned yourself an advanced degree in some creative field or another, no worries! If you’re lucky, it made your art better, and at the very least I’m sure it did you no harm. Take whatever lessons you learned at school and use them to improve your craft. Or if you’re getting a degree in the arts right now, and you can honestly and easily afford to do so, that’s also fine. If your school gave you a free ride, better still. You’re fortunate to be there, so use that good fortune to your advantage. Work hard, make the most of your opportunities, and grow, grow, grow. This can be a beautiful time of focused study and creative expansion. But if you’re considering some sort of advanced schooling in the arts and you’re not rolling in cash, I’m telling you—you can live without it. You can certainly live without the debt, because debt will always be the abattoir of creative dreams. One of the best painters I know is a teacher at one of the world’s most esteemed art schools—but my friend himself does not have an advanced degree. He is a master, yes, but he learned his mastery on his own. He became a great painter because he worked devilishly hard for years to become a great painter. Now he teaches others, at a level that he himself was never taught. Which kind of makes you question the necessity of the whole system. But students flock from all over the world to study at this school, and many of these students (the ones who are not from wealthy families, or who did not get a full ride of scholarships from the university) come out of that program with tens of thousands of dollars of debt. My friend cares immensely about his students, and so watching them fall so deeply into debt (while, paradoxically, they strive to become more like him) makes this good man feel sick in the heart, and it makes me feel sick in the heart, too. When I asked my friend why they do it—why these students mortgage their futures so deeply for a few years of creative study—he said, “Well, the truth is, they don’t always think it through. Most artists are impulsive people who don’t plan very far ahead. Artists, by nature, are gamblers. Gambling is a dangerous habit. But whenever you make art, you’re always gambling. You’re rolling the dice on the slim odds that your investment of time, energy, and resources now might pay off later in a big way—that somebody might buy your work, and that you might become successful. Many of my students are gambling that their expensive education will be worth it in the long run.” I get this. I’ve always been creatively impulsive, too. It comes with the territory of curiosity and passion. I take leaps and gambles with my work all the time—or at least I try to. You must be willing to take risks if you want to live a creative existence. But if you’re going to gamble, know that you are gambling. Never roll the dice without being aware that you are holding a pair of dice in your hands. And make certain that you can actually cover your bets (both emotionally and financially). My fear is that many people pay through the nose for advanced schooling in the arts without realizing that they’re actually gambling, because—on the surface—it can look like they’re making a sound investment in their future. After all, isn’t school where people go to learn a profession—and isn’t a profession a responsible and respectable thing to acquire? But the arts are not a profession, in the manner of regular professions. There is no job security in creativity, and there never will be. Going into massive debt in order to become a creator, then, can make a stress and a burden out of something that should only ever have been a joy and a release. And after having invested so much in their education, artists who don’t immediately find professional success (which is most artists) can feel like failures. Their sense of having failed can interfere with their creative self-confidence—and maybe even stop them from creating at all. Then they’re in the terrible position of having to deal not only with a sense of shame and failure, but also with steep monthly bills that will forever remind them of their shame and failure.

Please understand that I am not against higher education by any means; I am merely against crippling indebtedness—particularly for those who wish to live a creative life. And recently (at least here in America) the concept of higher education has become virtually synonymous with crippling indebtedness. Nobody needs debt less than an artist. So try not to fall into that trap. And if you have already fallen into that trap, try to claw your way out of it by any means necessary, as soon as you can. Free yourself so that you can live and create more freely, as you were designed by nature to do.

Be careful with yourself, is what I’m saying.

Be careful about safeguarding your future—but also about safeguarding your sanity.

[timeagainreviews]

Five-ish Possible Showrunners for Doctor Who

It’s nothing new that people are displeased with Chris Chibnall as showrunner for Doctor Who. Throughout his tenure, he’s consistently been the weakest link in the chains holding the show together. That being said, people weren’t very happy about Steven Moffat either, and I’m sure even Russel T Davies had his fair share of detractors. It seems that no matter who is in the role of showrunner, someone will always find something to complain about.

After last night’s episode, I’ve seen the usual wingeing about Chris Chibnall. People have been calling for his removal as showrunner. Personally, I feel like Chibnall has actually progressed as an artist since he first took the reins. Series twelve was a marked improvement upon series eleven. But all of this talk got me thinking about who might be better suited to for the job. What people would I like to see in the hot seat? Let me reiterate- this is not me calling for Chibnall’s removal from the show (kinda). This is simply a thought exercise. Feel free to comment your picks as well!

1. Edgar Wright

When devising this list, Edgar Wright was the first person I thought of for the job of showrunner. With such titles as "Shaun of the Dead," "Hot Fuzz," and "Scott Pilgrim vs The World," under his belt, it's easy to see why. Already established as a great British director, writer, and producer, he clearly has the chops to take the job. This is the man who was too weird for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and they once put out a movie about a talking raccoon with tree friend and love for heavy artillery.

My only reservation is whether or not he would actually take the job. It's not as though Mr Wright is in low demand. Would he be interested in taking what is most likely a pay cut while also working on the BBC's tight budget? If the Beeb could be smart enough to let the man have artistic freedom, we could easily end up with one of the best series of Doctor Who in years. Even if it only was just for one year.

2. Ben Wheatley & Amy Jump

This one may seem like a bit of an odd choice, but maybe not as odd as you would imagine. Coming from a more art film background, this husband/wife duo are more than capable of bringing the goods. Having both worked in film and animation I could see their skills put toward Doctor Who with great success. Neither one of them is a stranger to the process of writing, producing, or directing.

You may find them a bit of an odd choice as their black comedies like "Kill List," and "A Field in England," are anything but family-friendly. However, I might remind you that Wheatley himself has already directed two episodes of Doctor Who during the Capaldi era. Once again, it comes down to the basic question as to whether they would actually want the job. Had Wheatley never taken the job directing Doctor Who, I doubt I would have even considered them as a choice. But when you consider the dour sadfest that is "Broadchurch," suddenly they don't seem so strange.

3. Lawrence Miles

I know, I know. Lawrence Miles is easily one of the more controversial figures in the Doctor Who fandom. Outspoken and sometimes downright rude, he's burned his fair share of bridges. I myself have been at the receiving end of his snakiness via twitter. Even with all of these things factored in, I still want to see it happen. He's just that good of a writer. Also, this wouldn't be the first time a non-show writer has become showrunner. Remember Russell T Davies? Though I will concede that he did have a proven track record in television.

Listen, I get that this will never happen, but hear me out. When I first started getting into Doctor Who novels, I began with the Eighth Doctor Adventures. As with most book series, I began reading them in release order. I found some of the books to be fairly entertaining, and some were downright a chore to get through. And then I started reading "Alien Bodies." It was like a light suddenly went off in my head. This wasn't just good, it was brilliant. My enthusiasm for the entire series was given a jolt of energy.

He hadn't just written a good story, he gave the entire series some actual direction. Before "Alien Bodies," it felt as though most of the writers were still wishing they were writing the Virgin Media books. He even managed to breathe life into the companion Sam Jones, who I had found rather dull up until that point. His ability to write even the cheesiest of villains (such as the Krotons) in new and interesting ways was a breath of fresh air. He also introduced us to his Faction Paradox, which would go on to become its own cult favourite series of books. The fact is, the man had vision, and for that, he'll always be one of my favourite Doctor Who writers. If they were to hire him as showrunner, I would not complain.

4. Noah Hawley

Recently in an interview, writer Joe Hill recounted his brutal rejection letter from the BBC pertaining to his Doctor Who script submissions. Their response was basically "We would never hire an American, and if we did, it certainly wouldn't be you." Harsh. First off, that's a bit silly. Saying never to a group of writers based on their nationality is a bit myopic. Furthermore, the damn show was devised by a Canadian! I'm a firm believer of "the right person for the job." I am also of the belief that Noah Hawley could be that person.

Having produced both "Legion," and "Fargo," Hawley is a heavyweight in prestige television. Not only does he grant a degree of artistry to everything he touches, but he also adds a hint of surrealism. One of the things I've touched on in my reviews of the First Doctor era is just how surreal things can be at times. A British police box that travels through time is certainly not your run of the mill concept. Often times I think the showrunners forget just how weird Doctor Who actually is.

Hawley is also no stranger to the concept of science fiction, as Legion is actually a show based off of a Marvel comic book. It contains action, sci-fi, superhumans, strange prosthetics, and a healthy dose of surrealism. In this way, he elevates the source material while finding new and exciting ways to present it. If the BBC wanted to really put Doctor Who on the road toward BAFTA heaven, they would do well to consider someone like Noah Hawley.

5. One of the current writers

Out of all of my choices, this is the one I feel the least confident about. I say this because, well, I don't know much about their capabilities as producers. And when I say "their," I mostly mean Pete McTighe, Ed Hime, Vinay Patel and Joy Wilkinson. While there are plenty of good writers on the Doctor Who staff, these four have easily had the most stand out episodes in the last two series. McTighe is a massive Whovian geek who has shown his capability as a writer. Hime is a bit of a wild card with a penchant for the unusual. Patel has shown himself capable of writing strong drama and action. And Wilkinson, while having the least number of episodes under her belt, wrote what I consider one of the best episodes of series eleven.

Furthermore, it sticks with the convention of sticking to previous show writers as in the case of Moffat and Chibnall. As I said above, even RTD had a history with writing Doctor Who in the form of novels and audios. Having a person from the writer's room on set would be beneficial as they have already been steeped in the process. There's a pre-existing work relationship with not only the other writers but with the cast and crew as well. Out of all of the Doctor Who writers from the past few years, these four newcomers stand out among the rest. I would be intrigued by any one of them getting the job.

[my-moon-taeil]

NCT 127 members: thoughts, aura & vibes

Before starting I might explain what this consists of (obviously!) so everything is clearer. I was thinking about the members in NCT 127 and was wondering, simply, whom I’d truly get along with if I were to exist in the same spacious-temporal dimension; in other words, if I were to be friends with them (we may all have done that at some point, come on.). Anyhow, I wanted to share it here.

So you might understand why I say some things and why I’m feeling this or that way about each member, I might talk a bit about myself. I’m an INFJ, female, “feeling 22″ (sorry, I just cannot get this song out of my head). I’m perceptive, creative and quite confident in my skills. I am the mom friend™️, I like teaching others, helping, and showing the way. I am very sensible, empathetic, though I can be impatient when it comes to certain things. I’m a perfectionist and an idealist, too, which can be troublesome at times. I think INFJ really describes my personality so you might want to read more into that here, because describing oneself is actually something quite hard to do.

I am a new Nctzen, fell in too deep at the end of June 2019, so these feelings and the vibes I am getting from each member might also change or bloom with time. I might get all of this wrong, but in a way, there’s no real ‘wrong way’ to do this, as it is completely personal. It’s also totally self-indulgent, not gonna lie.

I talked about each member in alphabetical order, so it’s totally unrelated to the way I feel about each of them. Let’s get started, if you’re still interested! And as my friends would say (Karo, Holly, I see you)... tea time 🍵! p.s. you might want to do this yourself afterwards, it’s actually quite interesting to really consider it and go in deep!

🌹Doyoung: I feel like Doyoung and I would get along so well, in that casual but intimate way; we know we care for each other and there’s no doubt lingering, even in other’s people mind. And it’s exactly why we can be so casual about it - those who do not see it probably do not pay enough attention, because through the bickering it’s still very clear. We’d probably be the kind that’s together all the time and when we’re not people question it but we tend to shrug it off, even though we’ve been texting and snap-chatting stupid stuff to each other all day long. To me, he’s definitely someone I’d be close to, I know Doyoung is caring and passionate, and that is why we’d also be able to connect well; he’s someone who’d nag me a lot, and whom I’d like to tease back. Catch me brushing the hair out of his eyes and him whining about it. More often than not, though, he would not push my hand away.

🌹Haechan: I have no doubt in mind that he’d be the annoying little brother to me, the one always nudging, making me sigh and roll my eyes an alarming number of times in a single day. I feel like he’s the kind of person I’d be tired of being with for too long, but can’t help caring for anyway... He’s someone I think I’d look after even when I’m tired (of him, or in general haha), or annoyed, or want to be alone. Though, he is the youngest and acts like so, that is why our relation would not be that deep; the gap in both our personalities and maturity being too big. But, I can see he is growing up a lot, at a very fast pace, and he is becoming more responsible, and more aware of others, which I highly appreciate. It also means he is less and less in need to be babied.

🌹Jaehyun: Actually, Jaehyun was my first “bias” in NCT (if I can even call it like that), and the one to actually push me over the edge and make me fall into this fandom; but as weird as it may sound, I actually don’t know how my relation with him would go, were I to be around him. He’s definitely someone attractive, and seems chill and easy to get along with... I think we’d get along well, but I don’t see our relationship being anything special, nor deep at all - good friends who can joke around and enjoy time together, but mainly in a group. For instance, I do not see Jaehyun and I hanging out alone, though we surely would enjoy each other’s company, share good laughs, and consider each other friends. Then again, chemistry between people sometimes cannot be explained or predicted, so who truly knows!

🌹Johnny: Ah, Johnny. I get the biggest ‘big brother’ kind of vibe coming from him. I usually am the one wanting to protect and take care of everyone, and I would definitely like to care for Johnny, but I feel like he wouldn’t let me? And somehow, I actually do not see myself taking care of him the way I do with most of my friends, though I obviously would be a shoulder for him to cry on if he needs me to be. In a way, I have a feeling it would be mainly going one way. He’d be looking after me, but still would tease me to no end, a bit like he does to Mark. He’d be a ‘best friend big bro’, who would joke around but would become seriously overprotective at the slightest sign of discomfort or sadness coming from you. The type who’s like ‘who the hell made you cry I’ll show them some’, even though there’s no one to blame but yourself for your tears. A sweetheart.

🌹Jungwoo: I feel like Jungwoo is a bit the same as Jaehyun, when it comes to that ‘I’m not truly sure how it’d go’ feeling I have. He’s someone very soft and naive, very puppy-like, though sometimes extroverted and pretty awkward. I have known a few people like that in life, and got along with them, but only moderately. Being with them is renewing, because they seem to marvel at the simplest things in life, but my relation with them is never deeper than friendship or acquaintance; most of the time, it’s about hanging out with them in a group of friends, or them being a friend of a friend of a friend. Though, even if the relationship is not deep, I often find myself looking after them and truly caring for them. I definitely won’t be able to stop worrying for this clumsy baby and he’d probably be able to make me smile even when I’m tired and can get closed-off.

🌹Mark: There is something about Mark that makes me adore him, in a protective and prideful kind of way. To me, he has that ‘little brother’ vibe (it might be because he somehow makes me think of my own little brother, who’s 5 years younger?). Though I know it’d obviously be different; and really, no one makes me laugh like Mark. He has that aura that’s just.... young, and free, and each time I hear him rap or each time he just achieves something in general I’m feeling like a proud sister/mom. I love watching him grow and mature, and just cannot stop adoring him; though, as for Johnny, these strong feelings are not romantic, and I do not think they ever could be. Thinking about it now, I have never found myself actually caring in such a family-like way for someone I have never truly met, yet I truly feel like so towards the two of them.

🌹Taeil: Taeil... I do not know why, or how, but to me everything about him screams home and safety. It’s warm and cozy, and it brings me peace. I am pretty introverted and need time to myself, to recharge and just... be on my own, but even when tired and wanting to be alone, I feel like being around a person like him would feel as if I were alone (not in a bad way at all). By that I mean that being in his company is something that never draws energy, that never tires - it’s quiet and warm. I’d surely find myself gravitating towards him, in search of a comfort probably no one else could provide. I am pretty aware of how my eyes always find him first in a crowd, even without meaning to. If I’m honest, I likely would be romantically attracted to Taeil. In any case, he’s someone I’d always truly, fondly care for, protect and side with.

🌹Taeyong: I recognize myself in Taeyong, very much, very often, very deeply. He’s also someone I’d find myself gravitating towards, and no matter the nature of the relationship in the end, I think it truly has potential to become very true and deep. He’s someone with whom I really believe I could form a special connection. I think we’d find ourselves complementing each other and helping each other grow, because no matter how alike we are on some (most) matters, there are things we can learn from the other. I’d be a shoulder to cry on, and a place for him to stay after a long day and for him to be 100% himself. I want to be a shield, a shelter, and if needed, a sword. And I hope he would be that for me, too. On simplest things though, he’d teach me choreography, I’d teach him languages, we’d bake and cook together... all kind of things, really, and especially the things we share a passion for.

🌹Yuta: I think there’s something about Yuta I do not understand, something I cannot grasp, it’s very... fleeting. I am usually good when it comes to understand people, read them. But there’s something controversial about him, I don’t seem to make up my mind about him. I believe he’s someone who would make my mischievous side rise up and I think that together we’d come up with the craziest stuff and end up crying with laughter, or have really deep conversations and reinvent the world, fight for the ones in need with our two little hands; either one or the other, probably no in between. Most of the time though, we might not talk much with each other, or even interact at all? Unless there is something that would trigger the moments when we seem to... click. Maybe he is more like myself than I’d like to believe and that is why I can’t understand him completely, because he has that paradoxical side of him that makes him both one extreme and the other.

🌹Winwin: There is an undeniable sensibility about Sicheng, something that draws in the people around him. I very likely would not be able to resist it either. I am fascinated by the way he moves, and definitely would love to have him teach me his art (dance). He is someone very transparent (to me, at least), even though the language barrier has often made him look mysterious or simple. Our relation might be a mix of casual and caring, a silent connection based on understanding each other easily, mainly thanks to the sensibility we likely have in common. I think I would, even without meaning to, be aware of him and his state of mind. In the moments he gets too much unrequited attention, no words would be needed for me to understand; I’d take his side in hope to bring him some space and let him breathe.

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 18

POV: John Deacon x reader

Notes: ongoing fic, we have a tag list; we take requests.

Warnings: n/a just pure fluff

Abstract: John is hungry for your touch; reader knows there’s so much left unspoken.

John Deacon couldn’t sleep. He usually could, but this wasn’t a problem for him. He was an extreme night owl, and he preferred the company of the murky twilight to that of the too bright day; this didn’t mean he wasn’t blessed with a naturally sunny disposition, or that he wasn’t also deeply pragmatic; rather, just that the night was meant for magic and art for him. These two ideas were inextricably united for him; magic and art danced together in his mind and were the impetus for his romantic sensibilities as much as his musical ones. He enjoyed being up late enough to see the sunrise and promptly surrendering to his bed and to a good day’s sleep, only preferably after writing some song lyric or lingering refrain down on paper.

That ineffable time between twilight and dawn was the time to write, to compose. There was something wholesome and transcendent about seeing the sunrise. No two were ever the same and yet the feelings they stirred in him were always the same; basic pleasure, satisfied contentment, and nostalgia. Sharing the sunrise with someone was inherently romantic. He wondered if you were big on sleeping. Would it be lethal to wake you to share the moment when it arrived? Was it too trite?

John Deacon felt like he was suddenly in some romance novel. He feared it might be too soon in this relationship thing to find out just how trite you liked your romance. Might be too embarrassing to ask, too, he figured. Wake up, baby; see the sunrise isn’t exactly a virile or creative stance to take with any partner, new or old. Towering romance and sweeping, dramatic romantic gestures can seem terribly disingenuous or earthshakingly heartfelt all depending on execution and timing.

He was overthinking this sunrise business. He was probably overthinking all of it--you, the bed, the music in your snores. However, and this was a big however, this tendency to overthink wasn’t one he indulged on the main; he usually acted with complete abandon and chaos, so overthinking every small detail as he was now led him to believe he was on the right path with you; if he didn’t care so much about you, he wouldn’t be obsessing about doing the right thing or even contemplating what the right thing was; he’d just Nike it up and just do it. He smiled to himself, knowing his head and heart were blissfully united.

Holding you and listening to your rhythmic snores gave him a purpose far beyond occupying his wandering mind; he enjoyed being the framework to your slumber. The knowledge the very way he was holding you meant sleep for you was oddly empowering and deeply sentimental. He knew he could get used to this: listening to you sleep, composing songs to your languid breaths, tapping out rhythms on your waist. This was a routine well worth preoccupying himself with. He might never sleep again, but it was worth it, you were worth it. If you were a song, he thought, it would have to include the rhythm of your drowsy dozing. He couldn’t get enough of it. Music was everywhere for John Deacon. Music was magic, and you occupied a place in the palace of musical creation even in your sleeping moments. He treasured that about you. He needed to write you as a song; everything you were he wanted to distill into notes so he’d have something of you to carry with him always. Something by him, that was undeniably yours together.

What would it be like to write a song with you? He wondered if you were a good musician; he realized he had never heard you play before. This needed to be remedied right away. You must be good, going to a Oxford and all, he figured. Clever girl. Maybe even his clever girl. It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet; slow down, he told himself. There would be all the time in the world together if it was meant to be, if you were right for each other; rushing did no one good in matters of love.

And speaking of rushing about, what about Roger? The surprise of Roger being here tonight had been such a misfire. They really couldn’t do anything without each other, could they? It was a little uncanny they had both fallen for girls who weren’t only incredibly close but also lived together. What were the odds? Especially since Roger and Deacy didn’t exactly have the same tastes in women. Roger preferred, well, a pulse. Deacy’s tastes were somewhat more refined.

What would it be like dating ladies who lived together? Courting a woman next to Roger’s too blond hair and perfect swagger wasn’t exactly appealing. Well, that was if Roger ever came back here in the first place. Deacy would have to deal with his teasing and prodding eventually no matter what Roger himself decided to do about the situation; that could be a bridge Deacy would conquer when and if the time ever came. Knowing Roger as well as Deacy did, he knew Rog wasn’t typically a repeat offender. It would be a miracle if Roger returned here at all. Which was really unfortunate; Deacy was sure someone could live a fulfilling life without a permanent partner; there were as many different successful relationship types as there were people to have them. Deacy was a serial monogamist; so he and Roger would never understand each other's chosen proclivities regarding dating, despite the fact they saw pretty much eye-to-eye regarding sexual expectations and desires.

This relationship drama, however, could easily create a fissure between you and Deacy, which he definitely did not want. If Roger decided to not come back, Lydia could be hurt, and you could take her side, and should, and this could make your relationship together awkward, since Roger was and always would be a best friend of Deacy’s. Come hell or high water, Deacy never wanted to know what life would be like without Roger Meddows Taylor stomping around in it.

Or, there was another option: it could be for the best and in accordance with Lydia’s own desires to never see Roger again, too. He didn’t know Lydia well enough to know, and Deacy, curiously enough, didn’t see her taking a backseat in any relationship she’d enter into, whether it was a passionate one night stand or a dedicated relationship spanning several months or years. Deacy also knew he didn’t know you well enough to know what you’d think about the situation; he’d have to ask you sooner rather than later to head off any potential issues.

There was another possibility, however unlikely it seemed: mainly that Roger was legitimately smitten with Lydia and would be back constantly and consistently to invade her life, and in doing so would make Deacy’s carefully balanced life hellishly chaotic. Chaos of his own doing was good, wonderful even, but chaos caused by others wasn’t always Deacy’s thing.

Roger had been acting rather bizarrely tonight, Deacy remembered. Not that Rog acted in the usual casually basic non-concerned ways of the normal folk; but, he seemed distracted, which was a state rarely seen from someone who was masterfully self-aware, so in self-known-harmony to a point most people confused him for being self-obsessed or self-absorbed. And, yes, fine, he was those things too, but only because he was naturally self-assured and confident: Roger might have many faults but Deacy didn’t consider his actualized confidence to be one of them. Quite the contrary: he envied him this blessing.

Would Rog return to woo Lydia? Deacy hoped so, not only to make his own life easier, but also for Roger’s sake. The fear in Roger’s eyes tonight probably related to his confusion and dire instincts of self-preservation of finally--finally, finding an equal, and what that would mean for his self-directed, devil-may-care lifestyle. Roger would be miserable if he denied this new revelation, and yet he’d be happy in his misery if he just embraced this new opportunity; change is rarely painless, especially when it is good for us.

Deacy wasn’t so sure his fear wouldn’t win out, though; he felt sorry for Roger. Yes, Roger was happy sleeping around and going from woman to woman to woman--sometimes in the same night. But now that Deacy had seen his reaction to finding a equal in Lydia, and seeing the reaction was so volatile and panicked, this made Deacy think maybe Roger wasn’t as happily satisfied as he appeared to be. Predicting what Rog may or may not do was like trying to predict the weather on Jupiter; why even bother and what purpose did it serve?

Deacy, on the other hand, was pleased as punch to find an equal, and he couldn’t wait to start the rest of his life with you.

Not that he could tell you--yet. That would be going too far. And, well, quite honestly, it would remove some of the game from the situation, and the game brought him greater satisfaction than he could readily explain. Or could he explain it, he wondered? Nothing makes a person feel desired more than the first blush of love. The snapshot of the first time someone gives in, relents, accepts a date, holds your hand, the first kiss that everything is in harmony...it all related to the chase for John Deacon. Every moment could be a chase, rather in miniature or grand situations, everything was a chase. He wanted stability with an ever changing sense of the chase.

This was another paradox. His life was governed by them. He couldn’t escape it, and he didn’t want to, but felt he should. Another paradox. And he certainly wanted you and definitely knew he needed to use good judgment over whatever it was his heart was telling him. Bad judgment could scare away a partner easier than breaking promises or relationship vows and standards. You couldn’t tell a woman you had just met you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. It wasn’t romantic; it was bad judgment. Building the desire up over a course of time, however, was romantic. Showing you he wanted you was going to be his new favorite game.

He considered what time it was, but he couldn’t look at his watch, as it was wrapped around the wrist that was wrapped around your waist. And he hadn’t been able to locate your alarm clock, though he knew you had to have one. Unknowing, he wondered if time had sped up or slowed down. The party, he recalled, seemed to have lasted forever. A fact that had overjoyed him at the time, and weighed heavily on his heart now. There would come a time, and soon, when he’d have to let you go, and and you’d go about your business, and he’d go about his until you reunited for that dinner tonight.

Deacy sighed. The dinner with Miami Beach wasn’t going to be easy. The only thing making him feel comfortable at all was the notion you’d be there as his armor against Rog and Bri. At least Freddie was on his side. And more than anything else he hated thinking they were all on sides at all. It was abhorrent, the notion of them being on different sides. Whatever happened tonight, it wasn’t going to be pretty or easy and certainly nothing about it was going to be fair. The idea to hold the meeting in a public place had been Jim’s. He hoped it would help keep tempers to a calm simmer instead of throwing fuel on the fires and sending them raging around the room. Deacy was sure Jim had been mostly thinking of Roger for this arrangement. It wasn’t beyond him, or any of them, to flick anger or objects at each other when provoked.

Maybe everyone will get along and we can come to an agreement and just processed with the record, Deacy hoped. He sighed again, troubled in his thoughts, too wound up to sleep, and too surprised to have met you among the muck that was his professional life.

Maybe he was making the fighting out to be a bigger deal than it was? Maybe we all were, he thought. They had fought before, and this was surely no different. They’d make it over the disagreements and resentments and find their way back to the careful and cherished supportive love they had always had for each other. The creative times, when they were all writing together, were simultaneously the best and worst times they had as a band. Wonderfully robust sessions with new ideas and fantastic gems of songs wrought out of nowhere, and then there it all was, placed on a page, and then they’d record the magic, and suddenly they’d have music. Deacy lived for these times, and he knew the others did too. On the other hand, these times always also had fights, jabs, heavy hearts, dark piercing criticisms made threats, and too easily hurt feelings and egos. Nothing about Queen was clear cut and certain; they were always changing and redefining themselves while constantly and consistently staying true to who they were.

Another paradox. If he kept thinking about the business of Queen he’d never sleep. It’s difficult when you’ve created something with people you love and those people don’t always agree. Everything is personal. Everything is emotional. There’s just no way to separate the heart from one’s art. And Queen knows that more than any other band. They just needed to surmount this one slump and everything would be peachy.

Your skin smelled faintly of peaches, he thought, taking in your scent. He wondered if your bed would smell like him, and if you’d be able to stand it when you realized it. You were half on top of him and half on the bed, still snoring in a secure and carefree way he knew he’d have to get used to if he ever wanted to sleep again. It was comforting, yes. Endearing, too. Though not conducive to sleep when one plays in the rhythm section of a band.

His arm was falling asleep. How best to move it and you so you don’t wake up? He wasn’t sure how light or heavy a sleeper you were.

However, if he woke up you, he wasn’t sure he’d let you stay asleep…

Kissing you, he thought, was paramount. And it was a right well shame you weren’t kissing at that very moment. This wasn’t going anywhere good fast; he could feel himself getting excited and desirous of you in his mind that always led to a physical reaction. He either needed to wake you up right now and consider ravishing you, or think about electrical diagrams to distract his cock from waking up.

What use were electrical diagrams when you had a woman on top of you, he thought.

It was essentially what they called a no-brainer.

Your head was on his shoulder/chest area still. He traced a hand through your hair a couple times, gently saying your name.

Didn’t work. Okay, not a light sleeper. Noted.

He shook you, still tenderly, from his gripping point on your waist. The sensation of pin pricks shot up his hand and arm as he did so; his sleeping arm wasn’t recovering. He lifted you up, and slid his arm out from under you.

And that’s when you snapped awake.

“Am I late again?” You asked to the room. You sunk a hand under your bed and brought up your alarm clock. It said 6:27AM in damning red letters. You dropped it to the floor and began to snuggle back into the man in your bed.

There was a man in your bed.

And that’s when the party and it’s events raced to catch up with your not quite fully awake mind.

John Deacon was in your bed.

John Deacon, bassist of Queen, was in your bed.

You sat up. John was staring up at you from his grey eyes, a small, curiously engaged smile on his face.

He still looked great. Did sleeping attack men like it did women, you questioned? Didn’t seem fair he’d still be looking fabulous while you probably looked like something found at the bottom of a drain.

He reached up, slowly hooking a strand of wavy hair behind your ear. He wasn’t sure what to say, or even if he could make coherent sounds let alone string together the dance in his heart into coherent words. The dawn was rising, and its shy light was hitting you like a caress, and in that moment he knew he was looking at true beauty.

“This is my preferred moment.” He said this exceptionally quietly so you’d have to hear him.

“Oh? Right at dawn?” You yawned and noticed drool marks that could only be yours on his tank top, and rubbed the corners of your mouth as slyly as you could.

“No. Well, yes. I love this time of day. But I wasn’t referring to that.”

“What were you referring to, then? Out with it, Johnny.”

Smiling like the soft curve of a rose, he said, “You. How you look right now. You captivate me; you’re more captivating than any song I’ve ever written.” He shrugged then, as if to say, that’s just how it is. Deal with it.

You froze, thinking of your boring flannel pjs, your bed head hair, the sleepy breath you had to have had by now, and what you’d come to think of as the drooling incident of 1981. You studied his eyes, to see if he was teasing you, possibly playing some game he had yet tell you the rules of, or something like that. His eyes were steady and something about them was far away yet piercing; he was looking in your eyes but seeing all of you simultaneously. He was taking you in as each second passed as if he were committing you to memory. You figured he had really meant what he said. For no one had ever looked at you like that.

You thought what a life with Deacy would be like, then. In that moment, as he stared at you thinking the same exact thing, you wondered how it could work together. He travels for work. You don’t have a career to speak of, though if yours took off, you’d most likely be traveling too. The logistics weren’t the best. But those eyes. Those grey eyes. And how he kissed you, how he made you feel beautiful, and interesting, and desired. That meant more than a few months apart, surely. You sensed in him a great capability of devotion, a fantastic unshakable loyalty not only towards you, potentially, but with anyone he chose to form a bond with—including Queen. Once he entered into something, it would take a great cataclysmic event to end it. Once John Deacon was all in, he was in for good.

You couldn’t stop imagining a life with him. You didn’t want to stop.

And that’s when Deacy pulled you to him.

Tag List: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum @obsessedwithrogertaylor @partydulce @richiethotzierz @groupiie-love @sophierobisonartfoundationblr @psychostarkid @teathymewithben @smittyjaws @just-ladyme @botinstqueen @mydogisthebest @little-welsh-wonder @maxjesty @deakysdiscos @yourealegendroger @marvellouspengwing @molethemollie @deakysgirl @arrowswithwifi 

[wildflower8281]

Am I a Gypsy?

Today I sat down at a periwinkle wooden table with lime green cushioney chairs and journaled out how I want my life to look and feel for the next few years. All of the realms of it - feelings, body, home, work, friends, lovers, leisure. I’m currently house & pet sitting in a beautiful home in Scottsdale, with a huge pool, spacious, bright interiors and the sweetest, shaggy dog you’ll ever meet, Murray. It feels like a rather large Airbnb experience to me and has given my mind a place to rest and a bit of a vacay vibe, which is welcome after a few weeks of transition and seeking some new work opportunities.

So here I am: Age 37 and in a place in my life, yet again, where I can totally recreate my world in a new way. I’ve done this a few times already in my life and I look at it as a gift each time, albeit not always arriving when Kelly feels ready, or in the way Kelly thinks it might arrive, but a gift nonetheless - a space in time where I shed a version of myself that is no longer and step into something new, yet at the same time, is still fundamentally me.

(Photo: Current View, #house-sittinglife)

Past and Present

To give some perspective, 10 years ago, Summer 2009, I was halfway into a 4 year stint as a missionary nun in East Harlem, having 5 years of convent life under my belt. I spent a good part of that summer in Guyana, in S. America, living the adventure, sleeping under a mosquito net, driving on the left side of the road and boating down the river to visit remote communities. We organized a girls summer camp, bathed in the river twice a day and slept in tents for 2 weeks. It was pretty awesome honestly. Guyana and Harlem were both vibrant communities, with beautiful people and so many lessons. And yet, that life - as a religious sister - was not one I wanted to live for the rest of mine, so in 2011, I walked and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

(Photo: Bright Lights of Guyana, 2009)

So, when I say I’ve been here before, in this space of recreating my life and who I want to be in this world, I most definitely have been and returning home from the convent was one of those moments. At age 30, I came home from religious life with a few-inches-past-buzzed hair situation, 1 pair of sports pants, a few t-shirts, sneakers and sandals much too worn. For the past 8 years, my identity had been Sister Lumen (and/or Madre Lumen, at least in Harlem)....Now, I had to re-take-up my birth name and being of KellySue...Who the heck is that and what is she like at age 30 out here in this new world where people curse, read magazines and don’t ask permission for things?!

Holy Fucking Shit! (I wrote that honestly prior to realizing the amazing irony of the phrase...needless to say, I’ve come a long way.) Yea, the journey back into ‘the world’ is pretty fantastic actually, even though it’s laced here and there with some tears and fears. Everything from shopping for clothes, applying to jobs, making friends and, gasp, dating is like navigating uncharted waters when you haven’t even really been trained in how to sail. I have an entire post dedicated to “Things They Don’t Tell You When You Leave” here if you’d like to walk through the details: 15 Things They Don't Tell You When You Leave the Convent

So, post-convent I was faced with creating not only a new life in pragmatic ways, but truly a new identity. Or more accurately, finding the original one! So, while I dabbled in teaching and other cool gigs, flitted around with a few cool folks and loved a magical man from Brooklyn, the most important thing I “did” in New Jersey was find KellySue. And it was with that Found-Self that I boarded a 1-way flight to Arizona and knew in my gut the bright, mystical southwest would be my next home, and in many ways my first home - a space and life that I had created from the ground up, from the desires and images in my heart, to the colors that hang on my walls, the geeks and artists I spent my time with and the friends and lovers who have traversed my life here.

(Photo: Essequibo River, Guyana where we camped & bathed for 2 weeks)

And yet today, about 3.5 years into my Phoenix stint, I sit here at this table that 

is not mine, before Life Herself yet again. I have moved on from the Art Center, my first landing and family community here (aside from my real family of course,) a place that held me as I grew and challenged me to thrive. I rent The Dollhouse (a fabulous casita snuggled in the backyard of the main house, in the eclectic hood of #Coronado) and love her very much, but have very few possessions - no car, the bike I ride is not mine, no large appliances. I have clothes, a phone and my laptop. I have a great mattress, 1 dresser, 1 couch, 2 pretty teal chairs and a table from #Target. My smaller tables & most art supplies are from my Aunt, my dishes are from #Goodwillphx, as are mostly everything of decorative purpose. I don’t own many books by choice and prefer the #phxpubliclibrary. Even though I’ve curated my space lovingly and it most definitely echoes my vibe of colorful, bright and cozy - none of it is stuff that anchors me in this city. If someone offered me a job or to house-sit for a few months in Spain or Belize or pretty much anywhere new to me, I’d be off in a heartbeat!

(Photo: Unsplash)

That Time on Mt. Washington

So, today I sit here and ask myself, “Kelly, what do you want in your life?” I dedicate 1 page per theme: Feelings, Home, Work, Friends, Leisure, Lover. And I feel and write, imagine and think. And it crosses my mind more than once that not many people have this luxury. Well, I consider it a luxury! Perhaps some would consider it frightening or some other adjective, who knows?! To be 37, no kids, no pets, no house, no partner (3 out of 4 are very intentional...the 4th is seasonal, lol!) To sit at a table and draft & craft some Life up for the next 3-5-10 years or so. To be open to all the opportunities the Universe offers me, to list and discern and choose things I desire, experiences I want, types of people and energy I seek to feel. To me, this is luxury.

But this moment of vision and serenity hasn’t come without some unrest and many months of annoyance! It’s been a long journey to arrive to this table, to my journal, to feeling calm and open to the Universe’s next plans for me. Read on...

This arises in me every few years now, since I’ve been home. I feel like I’ve landed, I settle in, get cozy and then, kinda little by little, but eventually all of the sudden I look around where I am and my eyes grow wide….

I pause, really look around, almost squinting to make sure, like, “No, it can’t be. Not yet. Not already…” That takes a good 3-4 months.

Then, I sigh and look around again, really feel into the energy of the space I’m in in my life and interiorly nod my head, as I think, “Uh-huh, yep...Alli esta….There it is...Ha llegado la hora…..It’s time.” This phase lasts another 1-2 months….

I think on it, ponder it, hold that feeling between my fingers, feel the texture of it and ask Life, “Really?! Again?! Already?!”

And, as I’m examining this situation from all angles in fits and starts, Life leads me (kicks, shoves me) right out the door because It Is fucking time, Kelly!

She ushers me into a brand new space (in all the senses) and opens the Doors of this new space so wide that the bright light actually hurts at first glance…

Like some aching pain, squinting, not seeing quite clearly, some fear, uncertainty, wanting to turn around and run back to where it’s darker, but familiar and I’m good at the stuff back there….

One thing the convent teaches you is humility….for better or worse, ha (#chapteroffaults.) It is a good virtue to possess and it has been a tool I have wielded in these moments in my life many times, a trusty friend if used wisely and, seemingly ironically, with confidence. Because humility allows me to be a novice each time, to be Ever-the-Learner, to be always open to the new. Humility allows me to be ok with not knowing everything, to be ok with being the new girl yet again, to be ok with waking up for weeks on end not knowing where you’re going to land, but trusting that you will, indeed, land, and land amazingly well because that’s what you do! Because ultimately, humility is not just relying on myself. It’s Me & The Universe. It’s trusting the shove out the door and believing the blinding light will one day actually clearly guide your path onto your next adventure and into a fuller version of yourself. Humility is like that time we (the nuns) hiked down Mt. Washington as the sun was setting, lead by only a flashlight, in the dark, wet forest, holding hands and trusting that if the sister in front of you landed her step safely, then the tiny light was all you also only needed to land safely. Humility allows for the one small step at a time, even if you don’t see the end or full picture yet, you know the Universe is showing you what you need in the moment you need it….

Also, Nature Herself is Humble, so there’s that….

Trees thrive where they’re planted.

Flowers are brilliantly radiant, yet silent.

The Ocean ebbs and flows forever without fanfare.

Birds unknowingly bring joy with their songs.

Mountains rise in splendor and ask no glory.

Gypsy Secrets

For someone who left the missionary life proper, who considers herself a homebody and most definitely a lover of the reliable routine, I find it funny that in the grand scheme of things, I actually move through life quite like a #gypsy! I’ve always been someone who leads with simplicity and doesn’t need many material items to feel happy, and I have never set an anchor in a place so deep that it forfeited my freedom to roam - a desire I’m learning is an essential part of my being. It’s a paradox of myself that I find really interesting. I will be the most reliable worker, on top of all my shit, I will work out faithfully and read daily, I eat the same things most days because I like them….and yet, every 4 years or so I will hop on a plane, take of my habit, walk out of a job and just fling myself into the Universe in this kind of radical, unconventional way (‘You’re leaving your job and you don’t have the next one lined up?!’….I’ve done this now 3x in my life quite successfully thankyouverymuch!) only to be explained by a feeling inside of me that I can no longer ignore. Or, more accurately, that no longer lets me ignore it. And so I go, I leave, I move, I reconsider, I recast dreams, I open, I sigh alot...I take that one clear step and then breathe, wondering what the next version of myself and my life will taste and feel like, grateful for the adventure and most importantly, knowing that “home” is not a place, but rather is within me, the liberating secret that every true #gypsy lives by.

[oftwitz-saved]

( WORK FRIEND ) anita alessi ( 21 / she/her ): cis-female & mallory’s coworker at the bookstore. ( amanda arcuri ) ( B / 21 / SHE/HER )

*Hello my loves! I’m B, aka your neighborhood est bean, here with my mighty munchkin child Anita. I’m super excited to plot and rp with y’all so please head under the cut if you’d like to read her (messy) intro.* ➘

❥ 𝔹𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤:

Full Name: Anita Noemi Alessi

Nicknames: An, Ana, Nita, munchkin, etc.

Birthday: August 3

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Age: 21

Gender: Cis Female (She/Her)

Place Of Birth: New York City 

Sexuality: Bicurious

Occupation: Bookstore Clerk/Freelance Illustrator 

Hobbies: Reading, drawing/painting, partying, & listening to music.

Positive Traits: Easygoing, empathetic, adaptable, creative, independent, & dedicated.

Negative Traits: Rebellious, naive, lonely, self conscious, fickle, & candid.

Tv Trope: The BlackSheep (?)

Archetype: The Paradox (?)

❥ ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕡𝕝𝕖:

Mallory: They were coworkers at the bookstore that did not get along by any means. Anita couldn’t stand Mallory’s demanding nature and steered clear of her every chance she got. Apart from working together, the two were practically strangers.

Grant: They met once at her workplace when he showed up looking for Mallory. The two shared a short conversation and his seemingly kind and polite nature left a good impression on Anita. It left her wondering why such a nice guy would want to date someone as apparently difficult as Mallory.

❥ ℍ𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 𝕆𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨:

She was born in NYC to renowned judge, Carina Alessi, and an unrevealed lover. Carina raised her daughter on her own and Anita never knew her father, whom her mother refuses to speak of. 

Anita’s uptight mother was always very strict and tried to instill "traditional" values on her. She always implored that Yael do well in school, avoid trouble, stay away from bad influences, and eventually get a reputable/practical job (doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc.). Anita was essentially encouraged to be obedient and "perfect" by her mother, a task she completed for the most part. She kept her grades up, tried to stay out of trouble, developed very few friendships, and essentially did as she was told. 

That is, until she crossed paths with her troubled classmate in her last year of high school (ex WC). Having always strived to be a "good girl" he was outer-worldly to Anita. He was everything her mother told her to avoid in a guy, yet Anita couldn't help but be smitten. Although she wouldn't admit it, everything from his rebellious nature to his seemingly easygoing personality intrigued her. After some time of him persistently attempting to pursue her, Anita finally admitted her mutual attraction, initiating their relationship. Through him, Anita learned to embrace her individuality and be more open minded. He also introduced her to things like partying, art, which she developed a passion for, and music, that she she was encouraged to ignore by her mother. 

Anita began to change significantly as a person after entering this relationship. She took up an edgier sense of style, started to pay less attention to school, focused more on spending time with her boyfriend, took up art, and became much more outspoken. This drastic change in her overall self caused her to constantly be at odds with her mother, who was unhappy with the person her daughter had become. After almost an entire year of continual fighting, Anita’s mother ultimately made her choose between her or boyfriend, who she blamed for her daughter's changes. While she put off the decision for a while, Anita ended up choosing her boyfriend over her mother after entering a nasty verbal fight with the latter. Emotionally devastated, Anita packed up her things that night and ran off her boyfriend. The pair used Anita’s saved up college fund to move into a quaint apartment on the other side of town. 

Things went smoothly for them for about a year, the two worked hard to make money to support themselves, with Anita taking a part time job at the bookstore while also working as an illustrator on the side. That is, until she caught him cheating on her and their entire relationship fell apart.

Since they’ve gone their separate ways, Anita has been working harder than ever to support herself. She’s also taken to partying and the occasional random hookups in order to fill the void of loneliness she now feels.

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤 𝔻𝕦𝕞𝕡:

Anita is the spunky artist 

She’s is an independent individualist, who has built herself off of her originality and "artistic integrity.” She takes pride in the things that make her unique and doesn't mind standing out from the crowd. 

Her dislike of conformity tends to make her an outsider amongst others. 

While not particularly outgoing, she is quite opinionated and is never afraid to speak her mind. This gets her into trouble from time to time.

Notes creativity as her greatest strength 

She has an impressive attention to detail, especially when it comes to her work

A free spirit, Anita isn't one to be weighed down by the troubles of life. She always remains true to herself regardless of the situation or the opinions of others. In this way, she strives to live her life to the fullest, but can be quite stubborn. 

Tiny but mighty with an attitude to boot

Her hair color changes more often than anyone can recall

Very open minded to the point where it might be problematic

Is secretly a hopeless romantic but has terrible luck when it comes to love

Acts confident but is very self conscious 

Looks sweet but would probably fight you

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕤:

Favorite Color: Baby Pink 

Favorite Drink: Hard Lemonade 

Favorite Film: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Favorite Story: The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Fictional Character: Nell Crain

Favorite Poem: Alone by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Food: Beef Empanadas 

Favorite Dessert: Fudge Ice Cream

Favorite Flower: Peony

❥ 𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤:

*Ex Boyfriend: They met in high school. She was the quirky good girl, he was the troubled bad boy and just like magnets they clicked. He brought out the real her and helped her realize her dreams. As easily as they clicked they also clashed, mainly over money and commitment (he was lazy, didn’t want to work, and expected her to be faithful when he wasn’t). They were together for roughly two years until the relationship finally fell apart due to his cheating. Even after everything Anita never really got over him completely. (For inspo think of Cook if he ended up with Pandora??) *He’d likely be either 21 or 22 by now. : OPEN

Best Friends (1/3 spots taken): Anita isn’t the kind of girl to have a large group of friends. She mainly just keeps a small tight knit circle of people she considers her true friends. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Other Acquaintances (Unlimited): People she’s friendly with but not close enough to officially consider a friend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

F. R. I. E. N. D. Zone (Unlimited): People Anita put in the friend zone or vice versa. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rebound (0/1 spot taken): Only get together when they break up with someone, or get their heart broken. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Toxic Friend (0/1 spot taken): A bad influence that encourages her to do bad things, potentially self destructive. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Cat & Mouse (0/1 spot taken): They basically chase after each other, back and forth, but it’s never really gone anywhere. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Party Friend (0/1 spot taken): They really only hang out when there’s a party or event to attend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Past Hookups (Unlimited): Let’s just say she gets around from time to time. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rival (0/1 spot taken): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Polyship(?): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

*Slow Burn: Let it be slow and sweet. More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Congrats and kisses if you’ve made it this far! Feel free to hmu if you’d like to plot or just give this a like and I’ll slide into your dms instead!

[obsidianarchives]

Ashley Romans

Ashley Romans started her formal acting training at Pace University School of Performing Arts. She moved to Los Angeles immediately after graduating in 2015.  Los Angeles theater credits include:  Celebration's Charm (Beta), Rotterdam (StageRaw and LADCC award recipients).  Film/Television credits include: "I'm Dying Up Here" and "Shameless" (Showtime), "Are You Sleeping?" (Apple TV), "Hermione Granger and the Quarter Life Crisis" (Sunshine Moxie), "NOS4A2" (AMC new series).

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I’m an actor. I create by acting. Collaborating with writers, directors, designers, and visionaries in whichever medium possible to hopefully create an honest reflection of a being’s life experience.

BGC: How do I create?

I suppose my entire creative process begins with healthy self trickery. Not quite deception but more healthy, playful, self manipulation. Naturally as creators we have a way of resisting and fearing whatever it is we most want to bring about into the world. Similar to a mother’s fear of giving birth or raising a child, we think “what if the world doesn’t receive my creation well? What if people are mean? What if it’s not healthy or ready?” I often find myself trying to bribe or trick my way out of this fear. I trick myself into going into my next audition as confidently as I can, or preparing for that day on set when I really don’t want to, or finding some connection with a character trait I find reprehensible.

I also think it is very important to stay relaxed and loose so one can reach a playful and spiritual place of creativity. So I try and keep myself healthy; mentally, spiritually, and physically by reading, eating healthy, journaling, praying, meditating, and exercising.  

BGC: How did you get into acting?

I would say my professional pursuit officially began when I went to study theater at Pace University in New York City for my undergraduate degree, but for as long as I can remember I always had an interest in acting. I loved watching ‘90s action/drama movies with my father and “I Love Lucy” reruns with my mother as a child at all hours of the day. I became even more interested in theater and performance through high school choir, joining community summer camps, and doing the spring high school musical.

Even as an adolescent I felt it was best to keep my professional aspirations to myself in fear of naysayers. In retrospect, I understand now that high school is a time a lot of young people are dealing with self doubt and insecurity. Considering that I was far from the funniest, smartest, or most talented individual in the theater department, I, unconsciously, kept my performing ambitions quiet even from the people closest to me because I didn’t want to risk someone rubbing their self doubt on me. I worked up the courage to audition for a couple of acting schools but I told no one except my acting teacher Douglas Hooper and a few very close mates.

I still abide by this privacy philosophy even now and it hasn’t steered me wrong to this day. I still feel that speaking one’s dreams and aspirations among chaotic or unsupportive energy environment would most likely dissipate or poison their own source.  

Eventually after graduating from Pace University through a couple months of tumbling I landed representation for acting with a management company and I moved out to Los Angeles. I’ve been able to land some great acting opportunities and gain a supportive team of people and I could not be more grateful.

BGC: What has been your favorite role so far?

I have so many favorites. The roles that stand out to me as my favorite are the ones that have most challenged me and allowed me to explore a different aspect of life, and explore and connect to the full range of the human experience. I’ve received some of my most valuable acting lessons in various roles in the theater. I played Inez, a red dressed-vixen-leading lady with a passionate, deep-seeded hatred for her ex-husband in Stephen Adly Guirgis’ Our Lady of 121st. Two years ago I played Beta, a young teenage gang affiliated boy in Chicago with a secret in Phillip Dawkins’s play Charm at Celebration Theater. This coming March I will be part of the Kirk Douglas’s production Rotterdam by Jon Brittain. Set in the Netherlands, I will play Fiona/Adrian, one half of a modern London couple who decides to make a huge change in their life. My experience acting in these productions specifically has been positively nurturing. Throughout our rehearsal process, I learned what it means to be not just a more nuanced and skilled actor but also a more supportive and capable teammate in the creative process.

In terms of film/television world, my work as Hermione Granger in Sunshine Moxie’s Hermione Granger and the Quarter Life Crisis remains my greatest acting lesson in the film/television/on-camera discipline.  Eliyannah Yisrael, Megan Grogan, Alice Pierce, other writers and producers leveled up my game up. I’ve never before been number one on the call sheet and I’m not sure if I ever will again, but having that responsibility was so enlightening. It was also an invaluable learning experience getting to work with those amazing creators and seeing those women just get shit done. It was truly an honor being chosen to play such an important and monumental literary character in this version. I remember reading the Harry Potter series as a little girl in London and thinking how much I wanted to be part of and live in that magical world. Playing Hermione in the HGQLC series was by far the best artistic adventure I’ve ever had. Exploring moments, scenes and how far we can bring characters all felt like adventures. Even our trip to Dublin, Ireland this past year felt like one big adventure. I’ll be forever grateful for that experience.

BGC: Why do you create?

I enjoy acting because I love being seen and getting to disappear. It’s a paradox but it’s my truth. I enjoy exploring the range of human experience. I love that I get to feel connected to people in the safe incubator that is pretend. I love that I get to feel and say all the things I’m afraid to feel and say in my real life. I still never get bored of going to the theater, movie or stage, sitting in a dark room with other people and watching performers simply tell us a story. I hope to serve God and the people around me through my creativity and acting. I always hope to truthfully represent a human experience no matter how high or low the stakes it might seem to us at first. Losing your phone and frantically trying to find it can be as exciting and dramatic a story as losing one’s job or finding out your spouse is unfaithful. It’s all in the storytelling and truthfulness of the moment and I love as an actor I get to explore that.

BGC: Who do you hope to reach through your work?

Honestly, the most important people I aim to ultimately reach and impress are my nieces and nephews. Yes the public, my agents, and producers are all important but I feel as though they are a means to an end. Right now my oldest niece is 10 years old and she loves the Hermione series and is always pretty excited to see me act on TV. At the moment she still thinks I’m pretty cool and I hope to keep it that way.

If this was a decade ago and you asked 16-year-old Ashley the same question I probably would have said something like “I want to be a voice for the voiceless and the underrepresented… blah blah blah.” Truthfully, I don’t think I ever really knew what that meant. I mean, I knew what it meant on a superficial-runner-up-in-Beauty-Pageant kind of level but now that answer doesn’t resonate with me as the gutter truth. Whenever I’m working on scripts, deciding on content to create or post etc, I ask myself “Is this something I would be proud to let my niece see? Is this the kind of work that can help make the world even the tiniest bit better for her?” Eventually, she’s going to grow up and have a voice in this world and I hope that her seeing me embrace mine will give her the courage to embrace hers. My nieces and nephews and all the children like them are who I hope to reach.

I really love seeing how the world is changing now. Representation in the media was so limited even 10 years ago but now it’s getting more and more beautiful by the day. With so many platforms, works such as Pose, Glow, Fresh Off the Boat, Chewing Gum, Masters of None, Eighth Grade, and more, so many beings who have been underrepresented for years are getting a chance to reach their audiences and tell their stories. And we all get to identify and see ourselves in each other. I don’t have to reach out and save the world because it kind of starts with myself and our own backyard.

BGC: Who or what inspires you to keep creating?

Oh geez, that’s a loaded question. My peers are my first and foremost inspiration and motivation. Again Eliyannah Yisrael, Megan Grogan, Alice Pearce, Jessica Jenks. It’s remarkable to watch those ladies do what they do. I love being in acting class and witnessing breakthroughs or being in a really great rehearsal with a cast mate. That’s always promising when you get to be part of the creation of something honest and true.  Even if it is just a great moment in a scene. Actors who inspire me are endless. Octavia Spencer is a fantastic actress and creator who I adore. I had the blessing of working with her once and she’s an even better human.  Lovely doesn’t do her justice. I love watching Regina King. There’s a great example of an honest to God creator and storyteller. She’s accomplished so much in acting, directing, writing, and producing. That’s also how I feel about Shonda Rhimes, Boots Riley, Jim Carrey, Maggie Gyllenhaal. There are many more. I’m sure as soon as you publish this interview I’m going to think of more.

BGC: Why is it important as a Black person to create?

As Black people, we have such a specific and loaded way we walk through the world. The Hermione Series has such a beautiful tag line.  It says “HGQLC - Write Your Own Ending.”  I’ve always loved that because it gives power to the subject.  As Black people it is our responsibility to take control of our story the best way we can.  We must feed our communities the best and most honest images of ourselves to ourselves because images and representation matters. In the area of cinema, for years non-Black people have told their version of the Black experience and it has left us misrepresented.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

It’s always a struggle to keep a balanced life. I have a tendency to obsess and quickly lose perspective but when I want to regain balance I plan my day to make sure I get everything I need in. Luckily for me in my particular art form, acting is about living so I know I can’t be a good actor if I’m not allowing myself to experience life and fun.   

BGC: Have you been able to build a support system around yourself? What does that look like?

I feel so grateful for my support system. I have amazing representation, an amazing day job with super awesome and motivating coworkers who are actively pursuing their life goals. I also have super supportive family and friends who tell me they’re proud of me just for being myself. My sister is also a great support system, someone I can speak and think out loud with no fear of judgment. I could not be any luckier.

BGC: Any advice for young creators/ones just starting?

It takes 10,000 hours to be a professional at anything. So just put in the hours, however that may look. Either do it, read about it, watch a YouTube video on it, whatever you have to do to learn about your craft and get better.  

BGC: Any future projects?

I’m going to be doing a remounting of the stage production Rotterdam at the historic Kirk Douglas Theater in Culver City. It’s a short run, performances run from March 28 - April 7th, but it’s such a blessing to revisit this work with such a remarkable group of people.  It’s a super funny and insightful play about gender and love.

In the television world I just finished wrapping a new AMC series starring Zachary Quinto and Ashleigh Cummings called NOS4A2. I don’t know the exact date it is to be released but it’s happening soon. The series is based of the hit novel by Joe Hill and it centers around a teenager (Cummings) who uses supernatural abilities to track down the seemingly immortal Charlie Manx (Quinto), who steals children and deposits them in “Christmasland.”  I play a Detective Tabitha Hutter trying to suss out the truth. This series has supernatural fantasy, horror, action/adventure, procedural, and family drama. Everything you want to see.

[krokodile]

Because I’m bored and revisiting this series.  IDK.

Max Caulfield -

House: Ravenclaw

Wand: Hawthorn, phoenix core, 10 in, quite bendy

The wandmaker Gregorovitch wrote that hawthorn ‘makes a strange, contradictory wand, as full of paradoxes as the tree that gave it birth, whose leaves and blossoms heal, and yet whose cut branches smell of death.’ While I disagree with many of Gregorovitch’s conclusions, we concur about hawthorn wands, which are complex and intriguing in their natures, just like the owners who best suit them. Hawthorn wands may be particularly suited to healing magic, but they are also adept at curses, and I have generally observed that the hawthorn wand seems most at home with a conflicted nature, or with a witch or wizard passing through a period of turmoil. Hawthorn is not easy to master, however, and I would only ever consider placing a hawthorn wand in the hands of a witch or wizard of proven talent, or the consequences might be dangerous. Hawthorn wands have a notable peculiarity: their spells can, when badly handled, backfire. 

This is the rarest core type. Phoenix feathers are capable of the greatest range of magic, though they may take longer than either unicorn or dragon cores to reveal this. They show the most initiative, sometimes acting of their own accord, a quality that many witches and wizards dislike.Phoenix feather wands are always the pickiest when it comes to potential owners, for the creature from which they are taken is one of the most independent and detached in the world. These wands are the hardest to tame and to personalise, and their allegiance is usually hard won.  - Garrick Ollivander

Patronus: Bay mare (didn’t Max turn out to like horses in the prequel?  obviously i was hoping for a doe, though!)

“Bay” refers to the color of the horse’s coat (a reddish brown accentuated by a black mane) and is associated with some of the oldest, most respectable breeds, like the Cleveland Bay. These horses are known for their strength and agility. Mares, in particular, are known to be intelligent, courageous, and extremely loyal to their owner. The Bay mare Patronus will not back down when protecting you from a Dementor.  - mugglenet

Chloe Price - 

House: Slytherin

Wand: Sycamore, dragon core, 13 in, brittle

The sycamore makes a questing wand, eager for new experience and losing brilliance if engaged in mundane activities. It is a quirk of these handsome wands that they may combust if allowed to become ‘bored’, and many witches and wizards, settling down into middle age, are disconcerted to find their trusty wand bursting into flame in their hand as they ask it, one more time, to fetch their slippers. As may be deduced, the sycamore’s ideal owner is curious, vital and adventurous, and when paired with such an owner, it demonstrates a capacity to learn and adapt that earns it a rightful place among the world’s most highly-prized wand woods.

As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner.

The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental. - Garrick Ollivander

Patronus: Dragon (very rare) (yeah this works, god knows girl loves to light up)

One of the most powerful and formidable creatures of the magical world, dragons are ambitious and dominant. With the ability to breathe fire, they quickly assert themselves, garnering both fear and respect from those around them. They are unafraid to take risks and prefer to live by their own set of rules. They are quick to lead and do not back down from a challenge. Dragons are strong in their convictions and will stand for what they believe is right. Those with a dragon for a Patronus are sure to be fierce fighters, and the Dementors better be ready for a challenge!  - mugglenet

Rachel Amber - 

House: Gryffindor (she’s a Slytherin, but whatever)

Wand: Ash, dragon core, 11 1/2 in, quite bendy

The ash wand cleaves to its one true master and ought not to be passed on or gifted from the original owner, because it will lose power and skill. This tendency is extreme if the core is of unicorn. Old superstitions regarding wands rarely bear close examination, but I find that the old rhyme regarding rowan, chestnut, ash and hazel wands (rowan gossips, chestnut drones, ash is stubborn, hazel moans) contains a small nugget of truth. Those witches and wizards best suited to ash wands are not, in my experience, lightly swayed from their beliefs or purposes. However, the brash or over-confident witch or wizard, who often insists on trying wands of this prestigious wood, will be disappointed by its effects. The ideal owner may be stubborn, and will certainly be courageous, but never crass or arrogant.

As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner.

The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental. - Garrick Ollivander

Patronus: vulture (unusual) (awks considering how we find her.)

Looming and dominant, the vulture, at its core, is a resource machine. It may seem intimidating and heartless, but in reality, it is a hyper-efficient beast that knows how to utilize even the barest of essentials. As a Patronus, it likely speaks to the caster’s willingness to get their hands dirty and do what few others are willing to perform.   - mugglenet

Aside from the fact that I would have put Rachel in Slytherin, and obviously given Max a doe patronus (and I guess a butterfly or wolf for Rachel)...gotta say, Pottermore nailed them.  Especially Chloe.