#my godddddd my GODDDDD

[annikuh]

I’ve been having a total whale of a time doing all of this backstory work with the twins, especially in figuring out Panathir. I already have so much for him in the present day, but it’s been so fucking exciting getting to track how he got there and why he’s like that, and the really deep paranoia that he eventually ends up with.

(long post below the cut going thru all of this bc i need to write it down somewhere)

like obviously his whole tough-guy thing covers up his insane insecurities that he hates to acknowledge, and it’s absolutely a consistent part of him from his creation. in the past he knows everyone hates him and thrives on it, like he LOVES being feared and purposefully seeks it out. he loves being an enemy of the people, but he starts getting kind of…paranoid. like after the mainlanders start paying less attention to the twins and giving him less reason to assert his dominance (bc they’re giving him no reason to; they’re being perfectly respectful), he starts convincing himself harder that the mainlanders hate him and are out to get him, and he gets this insane chip on his shoulder so he can feel important, but it kind of ends up freaking him the fuck out. he’s in Jax’s ear like doubling down and convincing them of the same, and hyper analyzing everyone else for any minuscule sign of disrespect and blows it way out of proportion and pulls away from any interaction that’s neutral or somewhat positive even.

and he carries this victim (?) complex all the way back to the dead isle with the other nepherits there and is still constantly in Jax’s ear too. like he becomes a paranoid freak and makes Jax super paranoid too

However, once Jax ditches him and goes back to the mainland, they actually allow themself to talk to people bc they’re someone who craves it. they still carry this fear that Panathir put in them, but they start to grow from it

OBVIOUSLY people are still highly against nepherits and both of the twins are still subject to discrimination and scrutiny and should be careful, but Panathir takes it very far.

When he’s back on the mainland, he’s a fucking freeeeeaaaaaak, like he carries himself like he’s an intimidating force (which he is) but inside he’s totally petrified, like agoraphobic levels of afraid and distrustful. the dude completely isolates himself beyond reason as much as possible bc he has it in his head that people are out for him and hate him, but in reality they don’t fucking care about him and his ego can’t take it.

he can’t work with other people, he can barely have an interaction at a store. he makes money through his art (and makes a fucking killing selling to like nobility and shit bc all he does is draw basically) but he has an art dealer that does everything for him. he could be fucking hugely successful and famous, but he just has this idea in his head that nobody would ever want art from a nepherit and he doesn’t want to be known (he signs his art for himself, but doesn’t give his real name to the dealer). but he also probably doesn’t want to face people who may have something negative to say about him or his art, and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from flipping out on them. And like, I think he learns to sew too so he can just make his own clothes and eliminate another person to interact with.

like the fucking guy gets so bad he lives in the fucking sewers at one point like that’s insane.

he eventually does talk to people to survive the bare minimum in society by really leaning into buffing up his own ego like “these people are just pretending I don’t matter bc they’re intimidated by me, and I’m better than everyone in this whole world” but he has no friends or anything bc he can’t trust anyone and nobody could ever understand him like Jax can.

and all of this makes him feel so fucking pathetic, and it drives him insane. And it ties us to his obsession with finding Jax bc they can make him feel powerful and important again. he can exert his will on them and push them around and they’ll bend to him, and they’ll actually love him (he sucks but he’s still a person yknow? he’s agonizingly lonely). but he feels like a fuckin loser for needing Jax so much too.

when he finds them, he’s such a bumbling maniac that he straight up fumbles it the first time bc he’s like screaming at them and trying to guilt them but they’re like “literally who are you, dickhead”. and the second time he totally debases himself, begging for them to come back to him bc he’s at the end of his rope. I truly believe that if Jax didn’t take him back the final time he tried, he would’ve killed himself.

when they do, though, he lets himself be so pathetic and dependent on them bc he can finally rest for a moment. he does some silly mental gymnastics to make himself feel better about being like that, but truly he just feels safe. Jax’s friends are like “fuck this guy” and one is really trying to square up with Panathir, but Jax being there and actively defending him steels him against that bullshit. he doesn’t have to lash out—Jax makes him feel like fuckin god and will fight his battles for him, despite them still having no idea who he is. But that kind of makes it better; he’s that fucking good and influential that Jax is still going against their friends for him.

Christ what a ramble, but I truly feel so good abt myself for mapping this out and I think it’s really cool. I fucking love Panathir so much, he’s terrible but he just breaks my fuckin heart man. & I’m also just really so proud of him from a character creation standpoint.

please clap bc nobody else in my immediate vicinity really cares that much and won’t give me any of the validation and praise I need irl LOL listen to my pathetic ass please gimme a breakkkk

[usertoxicyaoi]

"Oh, Mizuki! There you are!"

MY PERSONAL WEATHERMAN (2023). Episode 6.

[bookwyrminspiration]

IM GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW OH MY GODDDDD

[snailfen]

dont look at me

[skyburger]

😔 maya not well at all

[greatyme]

P’AOF RIGHT BACK AT IT HITTING US JUST WHERE HE KNOWS IT’LL MAKE US THE MOST EMOTIONAL!!!

[pinkyjulien]

oy.... OY?

OY. OY!!!! OY!!

OOYY!!!!!!!!!! OY!!!

[mail-me-a-snail]

I WON TODAY.

I WON.

[carcarrot]

oh my god ok i have to learn how to drive

[autoneurotic]

JON

[divinedeathbed]

THERES SUCH A HUGE FUCKNG. BRAIN ANIMATIC GOING ON WHENEVER I LISTEN TO THIS SONG OF VICTOR HUNTING DOWN SOME RICH EXEC (thats a murderer and um. corrupts minors) AND BRUTALLY KILLING AND EATING HIM UGHGHG I WISH I WAS SKILLEDDD

[imwritesometimes]

when you have to stop reading fic so you don't run out before you can re-watch the blorbo source material 🙃

[mrsmarlasinger]

My manager at the call center isn't gonna be here for the rest of the week. Nor is our office manager. I'm gonna throw up. Like I'm literally nauseous with dread

[oliviabensonsbitch]

god i miss her

[ynwa-chiesa]

Why do i even worry about the future.... Im eating a potato burek *rips shirt off*