#n the way thoughts progresses n the way i write don't help at all bcs i seriously just get more confused .

[noxtivagus]

so much

[bucksangel]

don't worry, darling

pairing: avenger!bucky x civilian!reader

word count: 3.3k

summary: even though bucky is mostly healed, that doesn’t mean his nightmares go away. and a particular grueling mission brings back memories he’d rather forget. 

warnings: angsttttt, hella fluff at the end though, hurt/comfort, talk of bucky’s trauma and abuse, brief mentions of murder of a hydra agent (he deserves it), nightmares, reader is here to love and comfort bucky, also civil war and everything after didn’t happen and they all live at the tower and everything is fine bc i said so

a/n: even though this does not contain smut, my blog is 18+ so minors dni. also i wanted to write something short and sweet to get my creative juices flowing and yet, as always, i managed to go overboard

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It started with a whimper, a small one. Barely detectable if you weren’t already awake and snuggled against Bucky’s body. He’s lying on his side facing you with you mirroring his position, arms wrapped around each other and your head tucked into his chest. You’ve been having a hard time sleeping for the last week and a half due to Bucky being gone on a mission that didn’t allow him to contact you at all. Your restless nights were mostly due to worrying over your boyfriend’s safety, something you always do whenever he leaves. It was worse this time around, though.

It was a day before he was supposed to leave, and you knew you weren’t supposed to listen in on other people’s private conversations, but you just couldn’t help yourself. You’d come home early from work one day to find Steve and Bucky in your shared home office, stopping outside the door and getting ready to knock when you overheard something about an upcoming mission. It seemed pretty important so you decided not to interrupt them, though you couldn’t force yourself to walk away.

You’re never allowed to know anything about what Bucky’s missions entail, and some part of you wanted to listen in on their conversation to hopefully ease any worries about what might be happening to him since you’ll have a general idea of where they’re going and what they’re doing. 

According to Steve, although it was going to be a four-day mission, it was supposed to be relatively simple. Or, it would’ve been simple if it weren’t for the fact that the building they were being sent to scout was an old Hydra facility somewhere in Russia. The same Hydra facility where Bucky was held captive.

Upon hearing this piece of information you wanted to barge into the room and tell Steve off for letting Bucky be a part of this mission. It’s been nearly five years since he escaped and Bucky has mostly readjusted, has recovered from his trauma as much as one can after being tortured for decades. And you’ll be damned if anything jeopardizes that progress.

But you’d also overheard Bucky agreeing with the plans, helping Steve strategize, and going over all the information that needed to be obtained. And it wasn’t your place to tell Bucky what he could and couldn’t do. As much as you wanted to demand that he not go, he was his own person. And if he thought he could handle this mission then you’d have to find a way to support him.

The four-day mission turned into eight and by the sixth day with still no contact, you’d marched into the tower and demanded Fury call you with any and all updates he received. He said he would in a tone that made you believe he wouldn’t give you every detail, but it did help reassure you that if anything happened to Bucky then you wouldn’t be kept totally in the dark. It was nerve-wracking in the worst way, obsessively thinking over what Bucky could be going through - physically and mentally.

But on the eighth day, Fury had called you on your lunch break at work to tell you that Bucky was on his way back to the Tower and would probably be back at your apartment by early evening after the briefing and check-up in the medical wing.

All of your nerves and anxieties that built up over the last week were immediately replaced with relief flooding your body, your heart finally unclenching at knowing that Bucky would be back in a few short hours. One good thing about your job is that you don’t technically need to be in the office every day. As long as you get your work done you’re pretty much given free rein to leave whenever you want, and you’d finished your stack of paperwork maybe fifteen minutes before the phone call.

You gathered up your things quickly and stopped by your boss's office to wish her a good weekend, then made your way to your car to head home. Your heartbeat was increasing ever so slightly the closer you got to your apartment, and you had to remind yourself to focus on driving instead of daydreaming of being back in Bucky’s arms.

When you did finally get home, you made quick work of cleaning the entire apartment; changing your bed sheets, doing laundry, then pulling out food from the fridge to make dinner. You’d actually just gotten the chicken out of the oven when the front door opened, and your excitement at finally seeing your boyfriend again forced you to run out of the kitchen and down the hall. But you stopped a good six feet from the door, standing still at seeing Bucky’s bruised face and scabbed knuckles.

“Bucky?” You asked softly, finally noticing the spacey look in his eyes, the way they seemed to be glazed over.

Bucky smiled at you, though it was more of a grimace, and you could tell it was mostly forced but he still wanted to acknowledge you. He approached you slowly, and you stood still so you would not startle him - he just seemed so on edge. He stopped not even a foot away from you, had stared down at you with a look in his eyes you hoped you would never see again - it was such an empty gaze, almost emotionless. There was no life in his eyes. It didn’t feel like the dead gaze was directed at you specifically, it was more like Bucky just couldn’t muster up any emotion at all.

That’s when you knew. Something went wrong.

Slowly, he brought up his right hand and placed it on the back of your head, tilting it up so he could really look at you, letting his gaze linger on your lips. Instead of kissing them, he leans forward to press a kiss on your forehead, wrapping his left arm around your waist and pulling you into his chest. He didn’t speak as he slowly tucked you into his body, and you didn’t dare break the silence either, you simply wrapped your arms around his body as well, squeezing him tightly to let him know that you were there. You were there for him - physically, mentally, and emotionally, and you needed him to know that.

After maybe five minutes of no one speaking, of simply standing in the front hallway embracing each other, you decided to finally say something.

“I made dinner,” You whispered, running one of your hands up and down Bucky’s back. You pulled your head off of his chest but didn’t loosen your hold. “Chicken and mashed potatoes. I even made apple pie.”

Bucky’s mouth twitched again, and his attempted smile felt a little more genuine this time. His glassy eyes were filled with tears now, and he seemed oh so close to crying. You’d never seen him like this before, he was always happy, and smiling, even on days when he wouldn’t say it but you knew he still resented himself for his time as the soldier he would indulge in his hobbies to help him cope. But you’ve never seen him shut down before, and this is what this felt like.

You weren’t too sure how to help him, how to comfort him. But you had an inkling he might need some time to himself.

“How about you go shower and I can put the food away for later,” You said with a soft smile, speaking up again before Bucky had the chance to feel guilty, “I ate a couple of hours ago, I’m fine baby. Go shower.”

You lifted up on your toes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, letting him squeeze you to his chest one more time before he released you, slumping off down the hall to the bathroom.

That was two days ago, and Bucky hasn’t spoken more than a few words at a time since. Now, it’s not like he’s avoiding you, he’s actually a little more clingy than he normally is. You can tell he wants to say something, to tell you what had happened, he just doesn’t know how. He hasn’t told you everything about what happened to him during his time as the soldier, but you know enough and don’t push him to say anything he doesn’t want to.

At night, Bucky will go out onto the small terrace outside of your apartment and stare up at the stars for hours. You don’t sit with him for all of it, just for about one hour - cuddled close to his body and talking softly and mindlessly about anything you can think of, anything that might help Bucky open up. Then, around nine or ten, you’ll give him a lingering kiss on his cheek, one on his temple, and one final kiss on his lips before going to bed, letting Bucky be alone with himself and his thoughts.

Tonight, though, Bucky’s decided to climb into bed with you soon after dinner. You both showered together, washing each other’s bodies and sharing a few lingering kisses under the spray of the shower head. You didn’t go any further, but you did make sure to spend extra time massaging his shoulders and back, placing kisses everywhere you could reach.

It’s one in the morning now, and you hear another whimper. Bucky shifts beside you, tightening his hold on you ever so slightly. Another whine. 

“Bucky?” You whisper, careful to not disturb the silence too much.

He responds with a mumbled ‘please’. Then, ‘no’.

“Buck? Baby?” You say a little louder, shifting in his hold but not able to move much due to his arms being wound around your body.

He shudders, pulling you further into him as his breathing picks up. He’s having a nightmare. Now, despite him being mostly healed, he still does have nightmares. They’ve lessened over the years, but they never truly go away.

When he’s in this mindset, you’re careful not to move too much and startle him awake. So, you simply shimmy your arm from under one of his so you can push on his chest and gently ease him onto his back. It takes a little more force than you’d like, but you’re eventually able to lay him flat on his back and untangle your body from his.

“Baby?” You whisper a little louder, placing your hand on the side of his face and rubbing your thumb along his cheekbone. “Bucky.”

He groans; louder, desperate. He’s in pain. You run your hand down his face, down his neck, then land on his chest, right above his heart. It’s increased rapidly, and you can see beads of sweat coat his forehead.

“Bucky.” Your voice is pleading, and you push on his chest a little, now hoping to startle him awake before it gets worse. You don’t want to keep him in this nightmare, so you shake him again.

“Bu-” You’re stopped short by him gasping, his eyes shooting open and his body lifting off the bed slightly as he wakes up. Relief fills your body, and you sigh gratefully. You hate when he’s in pain, whether physical or mental, but you hate not being able to do anything about it even more.

Bucky doesn’t move right away, he squeezes his eyes closed and clenches his fists momentarily. Then, when you place your hand on his cheek, his whole body goes limp, relaxing into the sheets under your touch.

“Baby,” He whispers hoarsely. “I…” He chokes back a sob, and you’re quick to adjust yourselves so you’re laying on your back and he’s laying almost entirely on top of you with his head on your chest right above your heart. He starts crying then, really crying. His arms wrap themselves around your midsection, and you wrap yours around his body as well, cradling him close to you.

“It’s okay, darling. It’s okay, you’re okay,” You mumble into his ear, pressing kisses anywhere you can reach. You continue cooing at him, whispering reassurances and declarations of love until his cries taper off into small whimpers and sniffles. You’re really worried now. Yeah, Bucky isn’t shy about expressing his emotions, and you’ve held him after nightmares and through the aftermath of difficult missions when he comes home disheartened. But he’s never been so vulnerable, and you want nothing more than to hold him close and protect him from everything bad in the world.

Silence envelops the both of you for a while. You want to allow Bucky to speak when he’s ready. And he does so after a couple of minutes.

“There was an agent; Alix, I think. I - I don’t remember his last name, but…” Bucky pauses, and you take the opportunity to place a kiss on his forehead. “For the last five or so years of me being… him, Alix was there. He’d… Any time I failed a mission, he’d be there. Out of all the Hydra agents that I’ve ever come in contact with… his punishments were the worst.”  He pauses again, sniffling softly and nuzzling his face into your chest.

“I’m so sorry, darling,” You whisper, bringing your hand up to his hair so you can run your fingers through his locks. Bucky shakes his head softly, pressing a kiss to your collarbone.

“He was there. When Steve, Natasha, and I went to the facility last week, Alix was there. And he… I don’t know. I saw him and I just went blank, my mind shut off. I know I promised I wouldn’t kill anymore, I know. I just… He just hurt me so fucking much.”

Bucky starts crying again, and you have to force yourself not to cry as well. You want to be here to support him, not break down as well because then he’ll feel guilty. He always says you’re one of the most important people in his life - Steve obviously being another one - and that seeing you cry makes him want to go feral on whoever or whatever made you sad.

“I had to,” he says, muffled by his face tucking into your neck. “I just. I couldn’t not. I thought I was ready, I thought I could go there and be okay. But I wasn’t. I… He broke me.” Bucky trails off, sighing heavily before he goes quiet again, giving you time to process this information.

“Baby,” You say, prompting Bucky to hum in acknowledgment. “Can you look at me, please?”

You know it takes a lot of effort, but he does. Bucky lifts his head from your neck, looking into your eyes with overwhelming sorrow. Bending your head, you place a quick kiss on his lips.

“This might sound odd, but I’m proud of you. You thought you were healed enough to do it, you went through the planning and probably had to hype yourself up a lot to even agree to the mission. And that’s immense progress. The fact that you even felt ready, even if you ultimately weren’t, you pushed through it and finished the mission. And that’s something to be celebrated. Sometimes recovery can be set back by certain events, but that doesn’t mean that everything else you’ve accomplished is set back as well. You tried, and I’m proud of you.”

With that said, you give Bucky another kiss, lingering a little longer this time before pulling back and holding his gaze.

“And I know you promised to not kill anyone, but I don’t blame you in this situation. I don’t know what this says about me, but even though I don’t know exactly how you killed him, and I don’t think I want to honestly, I do know he deserved far worse than what you gave him. He’s just lucky I wasn’t there because I genuinely don’t know what I would have done if I saw him.”

Bucky’s mouth forms into the smallest of smiles, and you can’t help but want to burn the world to the ground if it means he was protected from the harm it brought him.

“I know you’re the man, and that, stereotypically, men are supposed to be the protector, the provider, but you also deserve to be protected, to have everything you could ever want. And I want to give that to you. I know you are your own person and you do a damn well job of taking care of yourself, but I also want to take care of you. I want to protect you from everything bad, everything that’s ever harmed you, and everything that could potentially harm you in the future.”

You place a kiss on his forehead, squeezing the arm that’s around his upper back to hug him tighter to you.

“You’re the love of my life, baby. Now and forever.”

Bucky shudders slightly, leaning up to kiss your jaw, then one to your cheek, one on the corner of your mouth, and one final kiss to your lips. Your hand continues to run through his hair, tugging at it slightly, causing your boyfriend to sigh in contentment and tighten his hold on you as well. You’re locked in the embrace for a long moment, his lips gliding over yours as the kiss remains relatively chaste. But then, he pulls away.

“Darling,” He says, and for the first time in two days, he finally looks like he’s getting back to his old self. “I - I don’t think I’m ready to talk about everything that happened during the mission right now, I kind of just want to hear you talk so I can get my mind off of it for a little if that’s okay?” He looks a bit nervous asking for that, but you’re quick to nod, offering him a smile of your own. Bucky smiles a tad bit wider and removes one of his arms from around your body so he can slowly reach up and take hold of your hand that’s still running through his hair. Stubble tickles your palm as Bucky presses his lips there, then turns his gaze up to look into your eyes.

“I can’t even describe how much I love you. It scares me, sometimes, the things I would do for you. I need you to know that I will do everything I can to make you as happy and safe as you make me. You’re just… you’re incredible. And I can’t thank you enough for how much you’ve helped me over the past two years that we’ve been together, even the entire year before we started dating when we were just friends.”

His eyes start watering for a whole other reason now. Bucky looks so damn in love that you’d think it hurt, and you would know because that’s exactly how you feel about him.

“I - I know we haven’t talked about it, and I don’t even have a ring, but I can’t ever imagine loving anyone as much as I love you. I’m devoted to you, now and forever. I don’t know how you feel, but if you’re ever willing to…” He pauses, and you feel your heartbeat increase rapidly, a sudden happiness flooding your body.

“If I were to one day ask you to marry me, would you say yes?”

You’ve never nodded faster in your life, nor have you ever said ‘yes’ so quickly to anything Bucky has asked.

The large sigh of relief your boyfriend lets out lets you know he’s probably been thinking about this for a while, and you would swear your heart is about to burst from how much you love this man as you hold him close to your chest and place absentminded kisses on his forehead, cheeks, lips, the top of his head.

Everything stays silent for a few minutes, letting the conversation taper off. That is, until Bucky puts his head back on your shoulder, lacing his fingers with yours and bringing your hands up to kiss your knuckles.

“Can you talk to me?”

Humming in agreement, you run your hand that’s still on his back up and down in a soothing motion.

“Do you want to hear about how Sam almost broke his arm last week?”

[liliansun]

Relationship investigator anon here! 😃 allow me to dive into (you) why JENO is terrible for sal. I know what you're thinking - i'm CRAZY. And i am 😭 i'm reading too much into this. I genuinely like their little interactions so far but DAMN boy. Okay so what i glean from these girls' personalities, first of all, is that sal is honestly quite sweet and takes care of the others. So do the others but idk i think you showed that side of sal more?? Like neowa and mal are the savage little devils and we love them for that (sad girl hours for neowa and mal??? GOD PLEASE DONT LET HEM BE SAD) but like sal is sweet and i feel like her having him as a lockscreen is proof that she is falling too fast??,, and she's gonna get hurt bc jeno is quiet and silent and maybe he just don't know what he's feeling until she's sad :((

MAL on the other hand. Like that girl is gonna get so soft for jaemin and then it'll be a push and pull until she gives in and lets him in. Love how he flirts with her tbh and her reactions are everything?? I can't waot fkr their storyy, and I know jaemin will treat her well.

Joy and mark,, do i have tk say anymore?? Like they're already a thing and it's gonna be super sad seeing joy be upset and lonely without her man around BUT THEN SHE and MARK find a way thrpugh it bc mark is a man who solves issues and he wouldn't want his girl to be suffering alone ykwim

And then neowa and renjun. Theirs is gonna be such a finale?? You got renjun who's in love with yn and then neowa who's been pining fkr him for a while and they're both going to hurt esp when he has to face yns rejection to get over it and realize that neowa was right there for him?? Short king stand UP

And haechan and yn , tbh atp i think yn just needs tk have a talk w him and she'll realize she likea him and he does too and that it was all bc he was afraid of letting her know about the personality his frienda knew about. Renjun might be the little bastard causing little uncertainties i think but the love is there.

Jeno though 🤨 he's a dark horse and i KNOW he's gonna hurt sal 😤

I am so psyched for your new stories?? Like actually excites bouncing off my seat and the walls and you're def gonna deliver as always FR i LOVE YOU (im so sorry for the long ass post wtf is wrong with me)

baby. lemme start off with this was so long and i was at work like 😧 well i still am at work but anyways😭

okay i get where you’re coming from w jeno BUT PLEASE TRUST HIM. they’re all gonna get hurt, both parties and it’s gonna suck and you (and i) might cry but it’s gonna be worth it in the end :( and i think i said it in another ask or something but jeno is gonna show how he feels more in jaemin’s story bc they’re like this 🤞(i spent too long looking for his emoji HELP)

omg jaemin’s story i’m too excited to write like y’all thought i was excited to write hyucks but DEAR LORD AM I READY FOR YALL TO SEE HOW THEY PLAY OUT.

joy and mark are already so cute but i just wanna be the first to say they gonna be going THROUGH IT. like y’all thought y/n and hyuck were going through it..just wait 😁😭

AND JUN AND NEOWA,, there is a reason theirs is last and you’ll know the more we progress through the others stories bc like rn we’re (me) hinting at it but they are gonna be so lowkey about it until BAM their story comes to light and it’ll all be like OOO AHH GASP

hyuck and y/n,, i can’t say anything bc it’s still wip rn 👀 but as these chapters i’m writing rn,, it’ll get better for them. y’all just don’t know what i know and it’s kipling me bc i’m like on ch 29? about to write 30? and i think y’all are on 25 😭

and jeno will or will not hurt sal (unintentionally) but it’s gonna be vice versa and i’m already saying too much y’all got me talking about things i’m NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKINF ABOJT

AND IM EXCITED FOR YOU TO READ THEM,, you and the other anons and everyone just make my heart so full y’all don’t even know and i love y’all’s feedback and seeing how y’all react it just brings me happiness AND I LOVEYOU 😁😚🫶🤭

[sopebubbles]

HI BUBBLES!!

ik it may sound weird but i missed u sm! i missed lone wolf too!!😭😭😭

i hope u've been doing well in life!💜💜💜

I finally managed to have some more time since wrk chilled a bit & i've caught up untill ch 6 this morning & OMFG U ABSOLUTE BRILLIANT LOVELY & SUPER TALENTED WRITER!!! U KEEP ON EXCEEDING ANYTHING EXPECTATION I MAY HAVE & KEEP ON DELIVERING INCREDIBILE WRK OF LITERATURE!!!

i'm literally vibrating w/ excitement over all the things i just read & all the stuff i have to appreciate out loud now!! but i better calm my ass down,i don't wanna sound crazy or not make any sense....

also,if i'm being too much or overly excited or if i'm makin' u uncomfortable w/ asks like this,just lmk so i can tone it down & properly apologise in case😅🙏

(i've prepared a list in a rush to TRY to make a bit more sense but ... i'm not sure i'm gonna so srry if it seems like my thoughts are all over the place😣 the adhd rush isn't helping as well💀😅)

So,i kinda spoilered myself abt jin's moment of "assholery" by reading other asks/anons so i was expecting to read abt it sooner or later & .. i dunno,maybe bc i was expecting it or smth i'm not as mad at him as i thought i would be? lemme explain myself better: i fully agree that his hostility & antagonising of y/n is completely unfair,uncalled 4 & puts him in the wrong 100%. but i also feel like it makes totally sense to have this reaction from him in order 4 the story to progress in this way. what i mean is that it's obvious that both him & hobi come from a place of privilege,from a life that isn't as close to the direct effects of bigotry(etc) as y/n's is. ofc bc they both are lykos & adults & informed(tnx also to hearing abt the effects of bigotry & discrimination from their mates that deal w/ it at wrk) BUT their lives were never fundamentally shaped around the harsh reality of everything that being a lyko entails in this wrld as much as it has happened w/ y/n. & bc of this, they still are at a stage where they can't fully understand y/n nor grasp what pulls the strings behind her thinking,her behaviour,her reactions. & i think that's just to be expected, it's natural that a privileged person is not gonna be able to wrap their head around most things that come w/ interacting w/ somebody who's not priliged like them & has seen & lived the worst the status quo can put somebody of that marginalised group through. This puts them in a very important position where if they will come around makin y/n a part of their lives,they will have to do a lot of wrk of learning new & diff realities that exist outside of their own,on a deeper lv of just being aware of it from a distance gifted to you by your privilege. & in that process of learning, they can become the most powerful allies to y/n in her own process of unlearning internalised hatred & discrimination instead, & introduce her better to their way of seeing likos & omegas in their reality that isn't centered around saps but their families & pack's life. said that,does that justify jin's hostility toward y/n,does it make it ok? N to the hell O,no absolutely. it makes sense from a realistic pov & it sets ground 4 opportunities to come to terms w/ his biases & starts to unlearn them in the future,as the story progresses ofc, but it won't save him from catchin' these hands 4 sure!!😃🤜

i may also think that it would be a tiny lill' bit satisfying in the future to see him( when he's already done the inner wrk of unlearning & reconciliated w/ y/n) look back at this 1st moments & see them under a totally diff & new light & feel remorse/guilt a lil bit...just a lil bit😊🤏 (if that happens in the story i mean. i don't know yet & this is just the magic that's part of the reader experience! don't feel pressured of anything,these are all just my rambles & speculations ofc ^^)

-even tho we still have to get a proper taste of him(which is super fine,things are going w/ the pace u write them to!^^), i abso love how u'r writing tae so far! esp how u pictured his artistic & more sensisitive side & how u showed it as smth that is valued & respect by all pack members! it is refreshing both in the sense of seeing it represented by an alpha character & also by a male character. it really left a deep impression in me & made me fall deeper in love w/ your writing!😄💜

-Another refreshing choice of yours that i really have an emotional attachment to at this point is making hobi a power-boss-i wear the pants in the house-omega! not only that,but he's also an omega that by choice & in completely autonomy taps into his own softness & domestic role,while not being seen as less or weaker bc of that,quite the opposite,he's seen as basically the leader,the person that everybody relies on 4 decision-makin' & management of their home,pack & dynamics! a role that most of times i've seen assigned to namjoon or jin as solely alphas tho,so it's nice to see u break out of that mold

-I also i'm a huge fan of how u represent y/n's internalised bigotry, through a voice & constant internal fighting between aspects of herself that she sees either as diff versions of herself or parts she refuses to acknowldge or see as herself anymore.

-this story feels to me like a story that will eventually become the narration of a journey of unlearning, of healing & finding self-worth within & so much more... w/ huge amounts of angst along the way... i dunno if this is what u have in mind ofc,but whatever direction this story will head into,ik 4 sure i won't be disapointed & i'm gonna love both the ride & the destination regardless cause your writing is THAT MUCH GOOD!!

...ik i wrote way too much & probab i was too much,but i hope it doesn't weird u out!!

i hope u feel proud of your wrk & know how much it is appreciated & loved!!

(srry 4 all the grammar monstrosities in here🤡)

Duuuuuude i thought you died or something and i missed you too. Like so much. I love your asks. They're never too much. I love how you pick up literally all the things i put down in my writing. Like you mention things I've been hoping someone would mention. I should let you know in case you didnt see that chapter 7 was posted a few days ago. And that's where a lot of the jin anger came from 👀 but its good bc im ready to jump into this ask, and im gonna go completely out of order.

First of all, I'm so glad you brought up her internal dialog and how they are actually different parts of herself. The italicized voice is her instinctual, most internal self. Like her real consciousness, and i hear it as very soft. It's almost a child's voice, and its almost always pleading in the most heartbreaking way just to have its needs met. The saddest part is that so often she doesn't hear it as herself. The bold italic voice is actually a combination of many voices, thats why its bold. Sometimes its just one pretty agressive voice, as someone from her past who has wormed its way into her head and multiplied there. Sometimes i hear it as many layered voices, like some kind of legion of demons trying to shut down her little voice. And its sad bc one of those voices is just the part of her that has developed to protect herself. Like it tells her not to do things that she needs but knows will get her in trouble, like nesting. The worst part is that more often than not she sides with/backs up the bold voice with her own deliberate thoughts. She still refuses to give her inner child what it needs and its so heartbreaking. The development of these voices throughout the story is one thing im really looking forward to developing (sorry i have thought so much about this)

You got it right with your analysis of their privilege! There's a little bit of a divide within the pack when it comes to privilege and how much it touches each of them. Its a reason jimin and yoongi have a special relationship with each other, not that it's better than the others, just different bc they understand things the others never will truly get. But they will try. Jin and yn will eventually have a relationship of trying to understand each other and jin will definitely regret those early days. We're a bit far from that for now 😬

Im glad you like tae too! He's kind of got a sad story that we're not ready to focus on yet, but seeing mc bring out a confident side in him will be worth the wait 🥰

Hobi is so powerful and strong and in charge, everyone else is lucky to be in his presence. Honestly he coddles Jin a little too much sometimes and thats part of how he got as bad as he is but wait you have to read chapter 7 and 8 🤐

Thats exactly what this story is about! Its bts so i feel like they're perfect for a Love Yourself journey! They're a good pack for her because they wont let all the troubles of this world leak into their home. They'll protect her from the systemic violence that has really destroyed her from the outside in. Its going to be a tough but i think very rewarding journey!

Ps. I think i answered this whole ask without bringing up alpha yoongi (which is the longest ive gone without talking about Yoongi in weeks) so thats good i guess my brains not totally rotten. (Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi okay bye)

[minheeskitten]

oh lol i've been writing smut since 2015, but ABO isn't something i've tried 🫣 everything i've written has been super tame 🥲 with heat/rut, the sense of desperation is important and so is the amount of passion...but the way i write smut is so...limp LOL...what's your advice, actually? what's the best way to convey that sense of hot-blooded passion, if i can't have you i'll die, that feeling?

oh and we've talked about the bear hybrid & the siren fic already too 😊💕 how's your progress looking on them?

it's been a hot minute, so i'll need to reread if i want to ask questions or give you thoughts about them! i did read your newest fic, but totally forgot to comment 🥲 i'll make sure to do that soon 😅 ~🩷

I genuinely can't give advice on how to write because I do it almost instinctively haha 😅

But i personally tens to find a concept i get myself feral over n then write it. Really the pnly advice i can give is:

Be into what you are writing!

I personally don't think i write all that well either, but im always trying to improve!

Another bit of advice, that doubles as how to continue writinf for me, is Read read n read!

I will read smut fics to help me figure it out n then i try to imitate a bit!

Honestly 'Because i love you anyway' was inspired by 'Anchor me in your light' by writtentofreedom! (One of my fav fics PLEASE go read it! This is not just bcs I'm also friends w that writer nope not at all :3)

Oh the progress is slow haha- I don't write every day, i write when i hit the right mood and if im not in it then what i write falls flat n dull so i don't usually force myself into writing-

Writers n procrastinating writing by doing everything but writing, am i right?

Oh don't worry about that at all! Actually i find people engaging with me directly as well as comments n kudos incredibly motivating!

One of my fics i feel kinda disappointed in is because i couldn't get kudos on the second chapter and no one commented on it- so while there are a 3rd n 4th chapter, it may never get uploaded because there wasn't interaction haha- its You have no choice but to think of me, btw

That fic has more written, and does actually have a plot but i had no one really wanting it and id explored a majority of it in my mind. But if you want to know more ab any fics of mine ive posted (including my newest post) i would love to talk about them!

[levisgirll]

How about one where levi comforts his s/o on her birthday? She maybe doesn't feel as important or not good enough? My bday is actually coming up and im a bit anxious for it and i tend to cry on my birthdays for no reason, but now im feeling as if i have a reason to cry? idk but i just would like some fluff/comfort with levi bc i love him sm. Thank you!

𝐚 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐝𝐚𝐲 (𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

text: hello anon!! First of all thank you so much for your lovely request I would gladly write this up for you 🥺💕 and second HAPPY EARLY/LATE BIRTHDAY <3 I hope I am not too late and you get to see this post either on your birthday or before :,) I hope you have a lovely day filled with love and laughter cause everyone deserves that on their birthday 🥰 and also I hope this post somehow helps you go through with your bday and makes u feel perhaps less anxious or sad! I kind of felt like this on my last birthday but I went to read some fanfics and they kind of helped me out and made me smile so I hope that is the same case with you when you read what I wrote for you :,) also i made this modern au ahhhh

synopsis: it’s y/n’s birthday! He tries to make this day special as it is since he wants his s/o to realize that! Later he finds out that his s/o feels on this very day not that important and also tears up. As Levi discovers that, he does and says things only on your birthday that really made you surprised and on this day you felt extremely good and special y/n cries happy tears instead <3

comfort fluff, bit angst, a little bit suggestive (?), modern au ♡ —

Today is the day, and not any day but Levi's s/o birthday! He woke up extremely early for this day. He had already planned out what to do coming from a man who is pretty much organized and ahead of things you weren’t shocked to see him getting up quite early.

“Levi..?” Y/N said in such a soft and tired tone, it really warmed his heart. “Love...Happy birthday.” He would go near your ear and whisper that, then gave you a kiss on your forehead. “I’m sorry I didn't mean to wake you up...Go back to sleep.” He would say as he pushed your hair back gently that was laying on your face. You felt his warm fingertips brush against your cheek and you open your eyes slightly to look at your man, Levi that was up and putting his shirt on. You got up a bit reached out and pulled on the his shirt “Wait...don’t leave.”

He turned around quickly and looked at you, ‘Why does she sound uneasy....?’ He would wonder as he came closer to you and kissed on top of your head. “Silly, I’m not leaving or going anywhere. I’ll be in the kitchen so just rest a bit and I’ll wake you up later on, Hm?” Levi said with a smile, after the war and when you both left Paradise to start a life in the outside world, Levi started to smile more, laugh and be even more affectionate towards you and this warmed your heart. He promised you that he would protect you till the last days even if there was no war anymore and also....promised you to show you more love cause he deiced to spend the rest of his life with you, and he was in progress in doing that!

After a couple of hours, you felt a small rub on your shoulders. “Time to wake up birthday girl” He gave you a warm smile and helped you get out of your shared bed. You felt how gentle, and careful he was for you...he truly did cherish you and loved you a lot, you meant the world to Levi.

As you were brushing your teeth, Levi was brushing your hair and when he was done he would put his arms around your waist and kept kissing your neck until you were done and ready.

Your cheeks were red now and you had a shy look on your face. “Ha, Don't be shy with me Love, it’s just us alone.” He would say and softly rub your arms. “Let’s go then?” and you give him a nod and held on his hand.

When you both went downstairs, you gasped and was taken aback by what you saw. A beautiful breakfast that was set up and prepared for the both of you, a sack of pancakes with fruits that was cut by him, your favorite fruit juice, and there was a vase with a bouquet and you could see a card that was hidden in the beautiful flowers he picked out for you and it was written ‘Happy Birthday my Dearest’

“Wow, you did this for...me?” You would say while giving him a sad expression that almost broke his heart. “Who else?” He said with a sarcastic tone and pulled your hand towards the table. You and Levi enjoyed the breakfast and you both had a good morning filled with laughter.

“Sit down, I’m gonna clean the dishes” you nodded and went to sit on the coach. You then started to feel...a bit anxious? Y/N wondered how the rest of the day would go and you started to think if what Levi did was all worth it?

“Love, what's wrong?” Levi was quick to read your vibe, he approached you from behind, and sensed you were feeling perhaps down. “Nothing...”

“Yea I’m not gonna buy that, tell me....What’s wrong?” Y/N stood up slowly and was looking down, her hair was covering her face and that made Levi quickly go in front of her and held on her shoulders. Tears then started to roll down from your cheeks and Levi pulled you to his chest for a hug. “I-I don’t know why I’m tearing up! But I am feeling as if I have a reason to cry and I usually cry on my birthdays Levi...I’m sorry, it’s probably for nothing.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He hugged you tighter and then proceed to stroke your hair. “These feelings are completely normal, why apologize for it? But it’s okay you don’t need to explain why you are crying love.” Levi waited for y/n to calm down as he caressed her hair, and Y/N pulled her face away from his muscular chest and looked up at him. He gave a small smile to her and wiped her tears “Let’s....make those tears not for ‘nothing’ or for ‘no reason’ to be wasted, but instead let me make those tears a reason for you today. A reason that caused you to smile and laugh today.”

Levi was now looking at you in such a loving way, you could feel all his love, emotions, the way he caressed you, hugged you, touched your hair gently and now holding both of your hands, it warmed your heart. He was indeed a man who was really mature, and has a great deal of empathy towards Y/N. Levi understood your feelings cause of the deep love he had for you. “You are important to me, okay? So, let me make those tears....happy tears instead.”

After a while, Levi told you to get dressed up and ready because he was going to take you somewhere. You both left your apartment that you both shared at the moment and walked down the street, while Levi tightly holding your hand and on the other hand he was carrying a brown paper carrier bag which had something in it. “What’s inside?” “A surprise.”

Later did you know, you both reached a huge garden park and you saw a group of people that you recognized. Your friends! “Everyone!”

As soon as Hanji hear you, Hanji came running towards you and hugged you tightly which was then followed by Jean, Mikasa, Armin and the rest all wishing you a happy birthday!

You then spotted Onyankopn, Falco and Gabi preparing the huge picnic filled with a variety of delicious food and then Levi brought out the cake which he designed and baked just for you.

The whole afternoon was spent with your loved one, friends and you all had such a great time, playing some card games, tennis which Jean and Connie that they brought along with them. You were packed with so many gifts too, and Levi was holding on to your waist and hand the whole time and would sneak in some kisses on your cheek when no one would look. Hanji then talked about how your relationship was going and Levi would suddenly talk really highly of you, and pamper about you then he would mention all of the times you meant a lot to him and he cherished.

The sun started to set and everyone was heading to leave, and Levi held on your hand and you both went to see the sunset while sitting on the bench. You found the sunset really beautiful, but to Levi he thought you were more prettier. He held on your hand and then said while focusing on your eyes “You know...When you are not around, I always crave for your touch. You just make me feel good so I always find myself a chance to hold your hand constantly.” Before you could say anything, he gave you a box that was wrapped with a ribbon. “Open it.” Your eyes widen when you saw the gift, it was Rose Gold Watch and it looked rather expensive but extremely charming. He went closer to you and brought your wrist closer and wore the watch for you. “I knew this would suit you.” Levi smiled again and looked at you, tears were now forming on your eyes but this time...it was happy tears and you gave him a big smile that really warmed his heart. “Thank you Levi, I really love you...” He went closer to you and kissed your cheek which washed away the tears that was rolling down. “I love you more....And didn't I say I would make that happy tears today, Hm? But we aren’t done, your birthday did not end yet”

After you both reached home, you both went to the bedroom and you started to change into your comfy silk nightgown, while Levi took of his shirt and was only...wearing his joggers? ‘Wait...He would only do that if he is in the mood’ You thought as you started to blush slightly.

“Lev-” Your words were taken aback when Levi suddenly embraced you and kept his face in your neck while bring his arms around your waist. “Can...I make you feel good tonight? I want to make your birthday memorable....just for today.”  It was more of a whisper when he said it, and you managed to hear it all even though you could feel his heart beating fast.

Your face was now red, you could feel his back muscle tense up and the detail of it as you caressed his back. You nodded, which Levi sensed and acknowledged, but asked again. “I need to hear your answer love.” He was now looking at you and he held on your shoulders, waiting for a response and he would not let you go until you answered. “Yes Love” You said with certainty and looked back at him which he suddenly blushed with you how you responded. Levi did had a tough and strong personality from the outside, but when it came to moments like these he was really soft and usually shy but tonight he wanted to try his best for you, cause you meant the world to him.

He picked you up and you could feel his biceps around you which you held on as he gently laid you on top of the bed, with Levi being on top of you. He leaned in closer and gave you a kiss on your forehead. “Oi! I can be romantic…So why are you giving me that look?” He said with a smirk and that made you laugh. “Hmm...Prove it then.” You challenged him and that made his ego boost up. He proceeded to kiss all over your face which made you giggle as some of them tickled, and then he stopped and reached the edge of your lips which made both of you open your eyes and gazed into each other, both feeling the affection and attraction. “Shit...it drives me crazy when you look at me that way.” He went and kissed your lips, it was soft, slow and very passionate...you could feel all of his love in that kiss as you held on his biceps while his arms where between you for support.

“Where....else do you want me to kiss you?” He moved closer to you as he whispered near your ear, you felt his hot breathe which made you shiver. “A-Anywhere..” You were a blushing mess right now, but you weren't alone your boyfriend Levi’s face was redder than yours.

“O-Okay....Y/N I’m gonna make sure tonight you feel loved tonight, and I want you to focus right now how good you are and how wonderful you are.” As he said that, your face was burning up, ‘what made Levi say this all?’ you wondered.

He came closer to your neck, and was kissing it...you held on to him and hugged his chest, and he was doing it gently. This then left a small hickey on your neck and he was surprised as it was kind of dark.

“I will leave this mark on you so you can remember my love tonight, and know that you are always in my thoughts Y/N” He brought his hand and caressed your cheek which you held on, “And...when its gone, I’m here to give you another one.”

Perhaps, in the days you cry, there would be sad days, but today was a special day which was your birthday, and that not only gave you any tears but instead happy tears which was cause of Levi giving you the warmest/sweetest comfort and love throughout the whole day and especially the whole evening. You really did love Levi Ackerman.

well i hope you enjoyed this! I tried something new and I really see levi doing this for his s/o especially in days where he wants to make them feel loved and he really tries his best to comfort them <3 I hope you loved this anon and you get to see this and also if anyone else did please leave a like or a reblog! ♡

[aitarose]

THE THEORY OF US (H. IWAIZUMI) pairing: iwaizumi hajime x fem!reader

synopsis: crushes are always inevitably revealed, whether through confessions or actions—however, you never thought you’d finally get the chance to make iwaizumi hajime yours during one of your many study sessions in the empty mathematics classroom.

word count: 1.3k

genre: high school, mutual pining, fluff, based on me hating my math class and not wanting to take my test, unedited

warnings: suggestive content, making out?

notes: hey sexcs, i wrote all of this during that speed write and this is completely not proof read at all bc im tired and want to fall asleep—but here’s what i have lmao

↳ DIRECTORY

There was a way in the posture of his stance, how he stood over the desk, hand supporting his body while staring down at your paper—deep veins protruding out of his skin, his muscles stiff as his concentration stayed on you and only you. It was like he was an addiction, something that you knew you couldn't have but just so wanted to taste—have a small bite of what was Iwaizumi Hajime, and never let go.

However, as the two of you were alone in the empty classroom, going over the questions that you had gotten incorrect on your last quiz, trying to find solutions that apparently he could solve—as the highest-ranking member of the class—all your mind could pay attention to was the feeling of his breath on the back of your neck. How it made shivers run up the back of your spine, heartbeat racing as a need inside of you grew into something worthwhile. Something that you just couldn't ignore.

"Iwa." You sighed, closing the textbook and placing your hand over his—the dainty fingers touching the calloused palms, noticing how rough and patched they were, wishing that you could hold them all of the time—walk through the hallways as his girl, as the person that was his and only his. "We've been at this for an hour now—if we're ever going to make any progress, it won't be today. My brain is practically fried."

He sighed, bringing his arm up and running a hand through the mess of hair on the top of his head. Brown locks falling just above his eyebrows as his eyes narrowed on you—determination at the tip of his tongue. "No," he shook his head, believing that he was capable of getting you that perfect score, that one-hundred percent in the class. "I can help, Y/N. Just trust me, okay? If anyone's going to help, it's going to be me."

With his words, you nodded—having been in somewhat of a trance in the deepness of his gaze, blood rushing hot whilst he wrapped an arm around your shoulder, squeezing you quickly and reopening the notes. You bit your lip, having him so close—a mere ruler length away from your body was torture, it was completely threatening to every sense of rationality in your brain.

He was your tutor, that person that was trusted to keep your grades up—to make sure that you succeeded in class and didn't lose your perfect GPA—but he was also Iwaizumi. He was that boy who'd hold the door open for students in the halls even if he was running late for class. The type of guy to always remember your birthday when you're only acquaintances and get you a small little gift for the special occasion.

If there was any perfect guy in the world, any boy that neared your perfect match—it was him.

So, knowing that you might never get the opportunity again, that you may never be as close as you are now—as close as two platonic friends could be—you took his palm in yours and asked him the simplest question that any girl could say to the guy of her dreams. "Can I kiss you?" A little stutter spoke in your voice, nerves wracking your mind and fear in your eyes as he froze mid-sentence, trailing off on the probability theory that you'd been working on.

There was a bit of hesitation in his stature, a weary nature that you hadn't quite seen before—it was frightening, the unexpected, whatever could come as a result from that one question. From that one single chance that you'd decided to take. "What did you just say?" He looked up, eyes on yours, hand still beneath the softness of your skin as you gulped. Before you could even respond, Iwaizumi took matters into his own hands—grabbing your cheeks and surging forwards, pressing his lips to your own.

It felt like ecstasy, him kissing you. If heaven was real in any way, this would be what it'd feel like to live there. To feel the wonders of pure paradise all of the time, twenty-four-seven in absolute bliss—no worries in the air, just utter happiness, and sensuality. He was your match, the person that you'd always wanted, and now you finally had him—you finally had him above you, tilting your head up with his pointer beneath your chin as his mouth moved with yours.

"Iwa." You attempted to say between kisses, breaths heavy and harsh, heart pounding out of your chest as he pulled away—eyes wide and lust-filled. "Iwa are you sure about this? I don't want you doing anything you're uncomfortable with." You folded your hands in your lap, watching as he sat back into the desk beside yours, falling into the chair as he once again ran his fingers through his tangled hair.

After a moment of silence, a smile overtook his face—a bright and wonderful beam of joy directed towards you—directed towards you and only you. "C'mere." He patted his knee, gesturing for you to come closer, to join him in the small and cramped space—to which you obliged. After all, what were you going to do? Ignore him? This was Iwaizumi Hajime we were talking about, Seijoh's esteemed ace. In no world would you ever ignore his wants and needs.

Immediately, his grip found your waist. Holding it with force as he settled you into his lap—connecting your lips once more as a gasp escaped your throat, surprised by the aggression that he was showing, surprised by how much he seemed to want you. As you carried on, heated and heavy with lust and attraction, infatuation in the middle of your high school mathematics classroom—his lips began to trail down.

It was everything you ever wanted, him peppering showers of love off of your jaw and neck—softly sucking and nipping, leaving small bruises on the pinkness of your skin—marks that you'd have a hell of a time figuring out how to cover up after all this was over. "Oh my god." You moaned out, arms holding his head to your body, making sure that he wasn't going to let go anytime soon. "Keep going. Keep going, Iwa."

He paused, disobeying your demands and taking a quick glance up at your face. You were the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, how you closed your eyes at his touch, mouth gaped open and gasping for air—it was a sight that he never wanted to get tired of, a sight that he'd been wanting to see for months now as you sat beside him in class. "Call me Hajime." He nodded, referencing the former title that you'd known him by. "You can call me Hajime, Y/N."

A light flush rose to your cheeks at the sound of your promotion, knowing that this meant that this wasn't going to be a one-time thing—that this could potentially be the start of a relationship, a long and lasting relationship between the two of you that could one day result in love. Love that you'd dreamed of since setting eyes on the brunette boy. "Then keep going, Hajime." Your eyes narrowed, challenging him to continue, challenging him to satisfy the needs you both were striving to complete.

With your wishes granted he cupped your face, hands covering the skin of your red blossoms and molding his mouth over yours for the third time that afternoon—biting the bottom of your lip and moving his tongue with your own. He was an exceptional kisser, that was for certain. There was no one in your past that even came close to how fantastic he'd already begun to make you feel—no past relationship that held a candle to the butterflies that grew in your stomach when he was around.

The butterflies that were the first of many, the first of millions on millions of jitters and nerves that would always arise with him. A relationship that was one of the books—all beginning in this small math classroom, with one question and one kiss that led to an infinite amount to follow. Your future was Hajime, and his future was you.

© aitarose.tumblr 2021. do not copy or claim my writing, works, themes, copy and paste my words, or headers as your own

[strxnged]

I hope this isn't a weird question but what are your grades like?? Do you have any tips for studying and getting work done?? I can't seem to focus on anything 😭

ajhdsFd um i always work my hardest in all my courses bc im like that 😭😭 i've had straight A's for years but umm im a tryhard

a few tips? okay um lemme think about that for a sec. this is also something i struggle with because attention span = does not exist. (sorry if these are completely useless lmfao)

um also this got to almost 1k words so TL;DR: just put away distractions and do it. it's not as hard as you think. and learn to associate good emotions with homework - procrastinating is in fact a mental blockage but you can overcome it !!

1. make yourself interested in the subject. this is key. this will help you remember things and want to learn things. how can you get yourself interested? - if it's a science/history type of subject DEFINITELY try to find a case example instead of just trying to memorize facts. youtube videos help with this in some cases. learn about one specific thing in the area, and it will be easier to relate other concepts to that. - if it's more process related than fact related - for instance, doing math, find something you like about it. something that's the same every time. and enjoy doing that. that's why i love doing trig n stuff - i like putting in the cos and sin and stuff i love how that's always the same. or like - i like the satisfaction of completing a question. - if it's writing !! make it related to something you like!! you might not always have much freedom, but writing about something you have a lot of interest/knowledge about is vastly easier. if you have to write an essay on the effect of pollution on the environment or something, you should do a lot of pre-research so that you're not constantly going between websites and you have more time to just let your thoughts flow. it's much more fun that way.

2. get rid of distractions. BESTIE I KNOW. I DON'T WANNA PUT MY PHONE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM EITHER. I DON'T WANNA STOP OPENING TUMBLR. but it's so important. - stay 'mindful.' i hate that phrase as much as anyone but it's important to be present in the moment and aware where your time is going. - don't feel guilty about missing things. it can't be helped. everyone misses things. you don't have to be there for every second of everything. you sleep, sometimes, right? and you miss things while you sleep? sleep is important, sleep helps you get through your day and make progress in life (more on that later). so if you can take a break from social media to sleep, you also can take one for doing homework. - ok ok this is the best thing ever. i saw it in a lifehacks video and i'm in love with it LMAO. if you insist on having your phone near you - PUT A WATER BOTTLE ON TOP OF IT. rest that mf on top of your screen so when you go to look at your phone at LEAST YOU'RE GETTING HYDRATED AMIRIGHT?!?!?

3. just do it. okay, you deserve breaks, you deserve to rest. but sometimes you're just putting it off with every excuse you have even though you know once you start you'll be fine. so how do you get yourself to start?? - as mentioned, you gotta put those distractions away. it's not gonna happen if you're still sitting there on tik tok. if you have to - (this is what i sometimes do) delete the apps that are distracting you. - look at the assignment. even if you feel like you can't work right now, or like you can't focus, just set a little goal for yourself. read the assignment and do the first question. review the notes. break it up. sometimes all you need is to complete your first little goal, and then you're like -- ah, doing a little more won't hurt.

4. take care of yourself. HONEY IDC WHETHER YOU HOT THE BEST GRADES OR THE WORST. YOU HAVE TO SLEEP AND EAT. prioritize taking care of yourself and doing what you need. - i know how fun it is to stay up and how good it feels to be sleep deprived/hj but it SERIOUSLY makes it so hard to get anything done if your mind needs sleep. humans did not invent sleep to impair your schedule. humans invented schedules to impair sleep. -sara 2021 - you got this. don't compare yourself to others. your best is always enough. pushing yourself is good for growth but right now, if getting a single assignment done feels that intimidating, then maybe that is all you can do today. it's about building habits of being able to work hard and if you are out of the loop that i understand how hard it is to get back in again.

okay so um i kinda just . sorry i didn't mean to go on that long. i doubt any of that is helpful.

i sound like a wikihow article wtf. anyways happy studying. i love you for asking me this even though i know you were probably looking for, like, a few tips. i just :( school important kyds

[laughing-with-god]

Hi!!! I've just started following you (yandere is my guilty pleasure, so thank god I found your blog) so I don't really know if you take requests or not (I think not), but would you consider, anytime in the future, doing a yandere fanboys but with exo? I loved the BTS one and I'm curious to see how an exo one would turn out ❤️❤️❤️

BITCH I WAS AN EXO-L BEFORE ANYTHING. (Tbh I consider myself more of one than an army but that’s controversial so👀🤫)

Suho- Supportive stan. Buys anything and everything concerning you and your group. The type of guy to buy multiple copies of the same merch or album bc he just wants to support his baby. Has went to multiple fanmeets and concerts, you have seen him many times. Isn’t a big fan of social media but just got an account to follow you. His friends know that whenever they hang out with him, they’re gonna have to catch an earful about the latest thing you did. Tries imitating little catch phrases or stunts you’ve done on variety shows or V-live. Doesn’t participate in fan wars bc he’s classy but if someone said anything negative about you, he would def just make an disgusted face and leave their presence. KING of sending gifts, has handed you a few small ones during fanmeets.

Lay- Very sheepish about his love for you. Buys all the merch and music but doesn’t let people know how big of a fan he is. Practices your choreo and songs, even has his own manlier versions for your performances. You’re the inspiration for any love songs he writes/composes from that point on. He tries to act like how he thinks you would want in a man. If he thinks you like the gentle type, then he’ll practice acting more coy and content. If he thinks you like a manly man, he’ll hit the gym and act more bold. You’re his ideal type of woman. for the few times he did try to date after discovering you, he couldn’t stand women who didn’t resemble you in any way. His wardrobe will change to alter himself into your style. He doesn’t really notice it, the progression happens naturally/subconsciously. His dream is to one day perform with you.

Chen- Everyone within a five mile radius will now how obsessed this guy is with you. Hums your songs everyday while doing mundane chores. Excitedly squeals whenever you update any social media, not caring where the fuck he is. Regularly posts covers of your songs. You’re his phone background, iPad, Apple Watch, laptop EVERYTHING. Dances excitedly whenever he hears your music. Denies being a solo stan, but like he ain’t fooling anything bc he mainly only belts out YOUR lyrics and only half-assedly hums along to the other members’ lines. Not above getting nasty if someone attacks your reputation. Very protective as well, HATES dating rumors with a passion. Really wants to collaborate with you.

Chanyeol- Thinks he is being slick about his love for you but tbh he is not. Religiously streams your music, wears merch and will refuse to leave the house if you were gonna make an appearance on tv bc HE CANNOT MISS IT DAMMIT. Covers your songs, all acoustic. Comments on all your social media pics about how gorgeous you are. The type of guy to need at least a day of no one talking to him after you made a comeback bc he is just so flabbergasted. You will be his background and everything for any electronic he owns. The type to get livid if you looked like you were getting thinner or worn out by schedules. He doesn’t hate girl groups but he doesn’t like them either bc they are your competition. (Still hasn’t forgiven Twice for stealing that award from you). Boy groups annoy him though, will def be naive enough to believe all dating scandals concerning you. He now hates all of Bts, Wanna One, Got7 and half of NCT bc why were they looking at you with heart eyes at that award show?!

Baekhyun- Could shout his devotion to you from the mountain tops. Sings your songs more than his own. Bold asl, def the type to slip up while on Tv and admit he fucking adores you. (Suho will have his ass on a platter for that but like 🤷🏻‍♀️). Headass enough to copy your outfits, tells himself that he’s just completing the other half of the ‘couple aesthetic’. Would drop anything and everything to watch your insta live or check your lastest social media post. Chanyeol bought him a backstage ticket for one of your shows and baekhyun almost promised to give Yeol his first born he was so touched. Thinks he is being subliminal by adding little hints for his love for you on his insta captions but everyone knows what’s up. Sends letters and gifts your way, squeals so loud if you respond in any way. Already has your future kids names picked out. He tired to figure out what type of perfume you wore so he could spray it on his clothes to feel closer to you. Would die before he admits it to anyone.

D.O- Silent stan. His obsession with you is so well hidden. None of the members would even know about it until someone says something slightly offputting about you and Kyungsoo puts them in their place. Adoringly calls you his ‘wifey’ in his mind. Watches variety shows, movies or interviews over and over again. Almost every night. You know those ASMR videos with idols? He listens to yours to fall asleep. Your voice is just so soothing to him. Practices making your favorite meals. Trains himself to remember information about you. He hates thinking that there could be another fan out there who knows more about you then he does. Fav food, pet peeves, height, weight, blood type, school name, birthday ect. HE KNOWS IT ALL. sings your songs to himself often but doesn’t dare post covers. He personally finds covers to be really offensive. The only person who should be singing your songs is you. No other voice could top your delightful tone. Reads tips on how to be a good husband in preparation for you.

Xiumin- uwu stan. Tries to recreate your pictures for his own social media. Quiet but supportive of you, won’t openly blast your music when others are near but when he’s by himself? Hell yeah, sign him tf up. Wants to be your ideal man, starts dressing differently for you. Covers your songs and likes singing along with you on the radio bc he adores the sound of your voices together. Gets hella hurt with dating rumors, don’t mention it around him bc he’ll just get really silent and gloomy. Lowkey he can be pretty petty with other boys who lingered too long at you at events or award shows. Collects polloroid pictures of you, goes over them every night. Has dipped into fanfic about you once or twice bc it just fills this hole inside him. An insufferable urge to be with you. Gets a new cat and names it after you. (Unless ofc you hate cats and prefer dogs bc Xiumin would abandon his love of cats for you)

Kai- He wasn’t sure how it started....okay that’s a lie. Jongin first just thought you were a really fashionable and chic idol. He kept an eye out for you just bc you were very different, but then it grew into an infatuation. He stopped watching you simply for fashion reasons and started watching you bc he was just so enchanted by you. You could advertise a product and he’d the type to go buy it just bc it’s you advertising it. It could literally be something so stupid, like a dish sponge but Jongin would still quietly go out and buy 15 bc like your face is on it....he hates dating rumors concerning him. Like when fans pair him up with Jennie or Krystal, he gets pressed bc like obvi it’s YOU he should be with not them. Very terrified of the idea you could come across his dating rumors and think he’s not loyal to you.

Sehun- Proud, certified Y/n trash. Would wear your merch everyday if he could. His most played songs are all from you. If you ever were on a movie, drama or tv show then they would immediately be his favorite, binge watches it multiple times. Changes his style to fit your aesthetic. Would burn his entire wardrobe if it didn’t suit your tastes. Watches your social media very closely. It’s pretty obvious to other people that he likes you bc you’re literally the only person he follows on insta. Copies your posts for his own account. (I.e; the Miranda Kerr incident👀) He monitors what other people say about you, once got into a heated debate with a nitizen in an effort to defend your honor. Wants to start his own fan café for you. Can and will send expensive gifts your way. The type of guy to look up your guys’ astrological signs and read the compatibility reports. Helps him feel closer to you. If you ever came on screen while his dog was nearby, he point and say “Look vivi, it’s mommy!”

[nureyevapologist]

Hi, I hope you don't mind this ask, but I read your post, and you write it so well that I just idk I wanted to ask about bc im really conflicted about this subject. I agree with you but also I can't help to this that recovery is not always the same? And like what really define that someone it's like fully "recovered". Why someone needs to smile to be "recovered". I think that having characters to deal with such a trauma and show them fully recovered it's a inspiration but also

hi!!

you’re right that all recovery isn’t the same and I tried not to make it seem like I was insinuating that you have to be happy/smiling/etc to be recovered, so apologies if it came across that way!! I just meant to say that nora insists in her ec that andrew never does these things because of his trauma and that’s far too black and white - to suggest that people with trauma aren’t allowed to change and recover at all? that’s what I take issue with!! while it’s important to recognise that some people will never adhere to ‘socially accepted’ ideas of happiness/recovery/survival - and that’s okay!! - it’s equally important to recognise that people can get to that point!! and they’re allowed to!! and I think it can be harmful for people going through trauma to read instances where others like them never change and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to see people recover in a way that’s visible!!

also, it seems to be a case of nora/some fans portraying andrew as someone who’s still completely apathetic, unhappy, irritated by neil etc years into the future which!! imo contradicts like, actual canon andrew who a) shows glimpses of progress throughout and b) has been fighting for his own recovery since page one!! like, how much courage must it have taken for him to kiss neil that first time? to trust that neil understood him well enough? but he wanted to, because there was something about neil. and the time they kissed while nicky was out choosing films and andrew had to take a moment to compose himself, because he kissed neil and he felt something.

and obviously, baltimore, where one look in his eyes showed neil he was hanging on by a thread, he was panicked at the thought of losing neil. andrew has always felt things, they were just impeded by the medication and the trauma and to assume he wouldn’t get to a point in his recovery where he can be truly happy seems so out of line with his canon progress!!

I might have stopped making sense halfway though this djdjdjd but TLDR; i never meant to insinuate that there’s only one kind of recovery/that you have to be happy/smiling 24/7 to be recovered; its wildly ooc to suggest that andrew would stays apathetic/unhappy for the rest of his life and, as always; nora is wrong.

also, thank you for being so polite n open to discussion!!