#ninja shadow is the dumbest fucking shit

[the-letter-horror-lover]

Continued Kushina lives fanfiction. Doesn't belong to me. Chapter 19

I'm not the type of person who would reveal private moments, Hinata. I'm sorry if you were looking to get gossip straight from the source," he answered sternly.

"What? No! T…that… I… it… w…wasn't—" she stammered.

Naruto let out a good-natured laugh as they arrived at Shikamaru's house. "I'm just messing with you, Hinata. You're really close to my mother. She wrote me while I was gone. Did you know that?"

Hinata shook her head in real surprise and confusion at where the conversation had gone.

"She wanted a daughter. Not instead of me, but along with me. My father was excited about having a son, but my mother wanted a larger family than just a single child. They never discussed it before he died, but Kushina-sensei was planning to have four kids. You probably didn't know that either. Anyway, she looks at you like a daughter and she told me so much about you while I was gone that I sort of think of you as a sister. I know we aren't really that close, but it feels like I know you from all of the letters," Naruto explained.

'…I'm like his sister. I guess I know how Kiba feels when he whines about being "friend-zoned" now,' Hinata lamented internally. "I… didn't know. I think that I need to find Kushina-sensei. Do you think that Shikamaru wanted me along?" Hinata asked.

"I'm not sure, but whatever it is I'm sure I can handle it. Go find Kushina-sensei," Naruto replied as he knocked on the door.

Shikamaru opened the door, looked around, and then motioned for Naruto to enter. The house was an older style with a large forest behind it. The inside was a combination of modern furniture and antique family heirlooms. The kitchen was completely modern, rather than the pre-industrial style of some of the antiques.

Someone was at the round kitchen table wearing a long cloak with a hood that covered the person's face and head. Naruto smelled desert, but Shikamaru had just come from a diplomatic mission to Sand. Pieces began to fall into place as Naruto scrutinized the figure in the Nara kitchen.

"Oh, shit. Please tell me that Temari isn't in your kitchen," Naruto said, his face blanching visibly.

"That's pretty close to what my mother said," Shikamaru answered. Naruto noticed that Shikamaru hadn't denied it.

"What the hell, Temari?" the newly minted jonin asked, barely above a whisper.

Temari pulled the hood down. She no longer wore a forehead protector. Her eyes were bloodshot and had bags under them. "I couldn't stay there," she intoned. "I followed Shikamaru when he left and snuck into his house last night."

"This is going to cause an international incident. This is a shit-storm waiting to break. Baki is going to be pissed. And your council! Holy shit, they are going to go nuts. And what about Kankuro? Is he just going to sit on his ass while you disappear? This has to be the dumbest idea any ninja has had in at least the last ten years," Naruto paced as he listed everything without taking a breath.

"Kankuro and Baki know that I left. But Shikamaru didn't know I—" Temari tried explaining while Shikamaru let a sliver of guilt show on his face before getting himself under control. Temari stopped her explanation as anger slowly built. "You knew I was following you?" she accused.

Shikamaru looked away while replying, "I know what you smell like. I thought you were just shadowing us out of the Land of Wind, but then you followed all the way here. By the time we arrived, it was night and I couldn't let you sleep in the cold."

"You… MAN!" she accused in mock anger as she hugged Shikamaru. 'I will never understand women. I know this with absolute certainty. I have no idea what the hell just happened. Is she mad at him? Why is she hugging him? Fuck it. I have no idea what's going on here,' Naruto thought as he watched.

"Okay. So Baki and Kankuro know you're here. Will they be able to cover for your disappearance with Sand?" Naruto asked, hoping to break up the foreign scene in the Nara kitchen.

Temari nodded returning to her chair while Shikamaru leaned against a counter.

"Great. So you just avoid being a ninja and everything will be fine," Naruto commented as he realized that they wouldn't need his help if that was their plan. "Fuck. You have something else in mind, don't you?"

Temari nodded again. "I don't want to just retire. I was thinking that I might take up teaching and maybe Shikamaru and I could get closer. Besides, it's not like I have the skills to open a shop or something. "

Naruto let out a string of expletives that would make Anko blush before sighing. "As if I didn't have enough on my plate already…" Naruto finished.

"So you won't help then?" Shikamaru asked, slightly dejected.

"No. Of course, I'll help you. We're still friends and Temari is like a sister. But let me tell you everything else that I have to worry about because you are helping me with at least some of it," Naruto replied with a smile.

—An hour later—

"A group of S-ranked missing-nins are harvesting the bijuu, one of which you carry. You are trying to expose a secret organization in the Leaf run by Danzo Shimura. Rock wants you dead because of your father. Jiraiya pimped you out to some minor matriarchal village. You want to become Hokage and save the world from war and hate. Is that an accurate summary?" Shikamaru asked.

"You left out preventing an international incident caused by a high-ranking Sand-nin defecting to the Leaf, fixing whatever's wrong with Sasuke, and altering the Caged Bird Seal so that it doesn't come with a kill-switch," Naruto responded.

"I'm never going to get to watch the clouds ever again, am I?" Shikamaru sighed, his head lightly slamming into his arms against the counter.

"I don't fight the battles that I know I can win; I fight the battles that need fighting. I'm not going to give up because the odds appear against me," Naruto said with determination. "Nobody ever changed the world by giving up before even starting."

Shikamaru shook his head, but understood the sentiment. Temari whispered something in the despondent teen's ear, causing him to shift uncomfortably and blush slightly. "Let's get these done then," Shikamaru announced with uncharacteristic determination as he took a seat at the table.

"Itachi seems like the key to Root. You need to learn about chakra transfer so that you can help him break his seal. Your mother can inform that minor village that Jiraiya had no authority to arrange a marriage or whatever. You've spent years thinking about Akatsuki, so I doubt I can add anything in a few minutes. I have a solution to Temari living here, but I'm not sure either of us is really ready for it," Shikamaru listed.

"I'm not a fuinjutsu expert, but between you and Jiraiya, I'm sure you can come up with something to fix the Caged Bird Seal. You're going to need the Yamanaka clan to help with Sasuke, but that might be premature with several of those other things hanging over you," he continued thoughtfully.

Naruto was amazed at how quickly Shikamaru came up with solutions after Temari whispered something. He almost asked before realizing that he didn't want to know how she did it. "We might be able to convince Sand to do a teacher exchange program," Naruto added thoughtfully. "We send Iruka-sensei to Sand to teach and Temari stays here. What do you think?"

"That might work for the short term," Shikamaru replied. "It kicks the problem down the road, I suppose."

"It's better than trying to work out some kind of marriage deal," he said knowingly. "I'm not sure that the Nara clan has enough prestige to keep the Sand elders from kicking up a major fuss, but I'm also not an expert in the inner workings there. Temari?" Naruto turned to the road-weary blonde girl.

"Lazy-ass is right about us not being ready to get married. I like him and he certainly seems to like me, but marriage is a huge deal and we're not even twenty," she finally opined. "But you're right about the Nara clan not being a big enough clan for the elders. Even if we did get married, I'm pretty sure that the elders would make a fuss about insisting we stay in Sand."

"Well… if it came down to it, I could roll you into the Uzumaki clan. My mother is the clan head," Naruto suggested hesitantly.

Temari widened her eyes. "You're one of THOSE Uzumakis?" Naruto nodded. "Does anyone else know?"

"Not outside of the Leaf village," he replied sullenly.

Shikamaru frowned. "What do you mean, 'THOSE Uzumakis'?"

Temari began to lecture: "Before the Second Great Ninja War, there was a Village Hidden in the Whirling Tides. The Uzumaki clan was the most famous clan of the village and they were widely feared throughout the five nations, as much as the Senju or Uchiha. But Rock and Cloud sent an annihilation force to Whirlpool toward the end of the Second Great Ninja War, seemingly obliterating the Uzumaki clan and the ninjas of the Land of Whirlpools. No ninjas were supposed to have survived," Temari explained.

"Why was this not taught at the Academy?" Shikamaru asked, frustrated at not knowing something.

"I would guess because the surviving ninja from Tides were mostly in the Leaf and they didn't want what happened to the Whirlpool happening to the Leaf. Disappearing into the Leaf was safer than trying to seek attention as the best seal-masters in the nations," Naruto supposed.

"Honestly, the only reason I know is that my mother was born in the Land of Whirlpools, in the Village Hidden in the Whirling Tides. She didn't move to the Leaf until she was old enough to go to the Academy. By the time Whirlpool was annihilated, nobody knew that my mother was the grandniece of Mito Uzumaki, widow of the First Hokage."

Shikamaru smiled. "You already knew that you could solve my problem and used it to get me to help you with your other problems, didn't you?"

Naruto let out a nervous laugh, "I guess you caught me, even though that's a last resort. But you know that I can't do all of that other stuff alone and my mother has been trying to get you into the fold for over a year."

'So THAT'S why Lady Kushina has been trying to get me into ANBU!' the lazy boy thought. "I'll tell Kushina that I'm joining ANBU," Shikamaru said with a resigned sigh. "I'll need the extra training."

Naruto shook his head. "It's too late to join ANBU. Akatsuki has already started moving," he glanced sadly at Temari. "I don't mean that you can't help or that you shouldn't improve yourself, but joining ANBU is no longer a viable option because it would sideline you for a year." Realizing that Shikamaru didn't know that ANBU training was no longer six months, he explained, "ANBU's training program got a severe boost when Kushina-sensei took over. We're getting off track though."

"Let's see if the teacher exchange will play before we get to any marriage proposals. I think that we can all agree that the Uzumaki clan would stand a better chance of succeeding than the Nara clan on that front and if we try more than one clan doing the same thing, it'll anger the Sand elders," Shikamaru summarized. "We'll talk with Kushina about getting me into a harder training regimen and you'll work on chakra transfers. Maybe the Toads can help."

"Let's go see the Hokage and sort some of this out then," Naruto said, standing.

—A darkened room in the Village Hidden in the Rain—

"Zetsu, report your findings on the kyuubi jinchuuriki," a man with spikey blonde hair, eyes that contained several concentric circles, and metal rods piercing his face ordered.

A half-black, half-white man with a fly-trap for a collar nearly hissed, "He forced Deidara to self-destruct. Deidara did not prepare as you suggested. The idiot created a variation of his clay that would detonate with lightning chakra, but that was all. The jinchuuriki used space-time ninjutsu as well as S-ranked lightning jutsu and his control and integration of the ninjutsu into fighting appeared seamless.

"I recommend Tobi and Lord Pain team up to capture him while Kisame and Kakuzu screen and isolate him from his allies. Itachi told the Leaf everything he knew, but Sasori and Deidara were still able to infiltrate Sand, so they may not have passed along their information to the other villages. We should still assume the worst as we go after the rest of the bijuu," the strange man finished.

"You are certain that the kyuubi is that dangerous?" the man with strange eyes asked, but was met with only a stoic face and a slight nod from the plant-man.

"Very well," he resolved. "We shall capture the other bijuu as quickly as possible before… Someone is trying to infiltrate this place."

"Lord Pain?" Zetsu questioned.

"I will deal with the threat. Relay our conversation to Tobi and the others. Capture the other bijuu quickly," the man said as he and five others with the same eyes and metal piercings moved down the building interior.

Chapter 20

"You probably aren't going to like this, Aunt Tsunade," Naruto said woefully, examining the scroll in front of the Hokage's desk. "We worked out the kinks in this seal about a month ago but I never thought that he'd use it so soon."

"What is it?" a toad with a white goatee and plenty of wrinkles asked.

"Tell me how he died first," Naruto responded.

"He was in the Village Hidden in the Rain, attempting to infiltrate Akatsuki headquarters. He was discovered by their leader, a person called Pain. Jiraiya held them off until he could summon me and Ma, but even with our combined efforts, Jiraiya couldn't beat all six Pains. They kept coming back," the toad explained. "He used the last of his strength to put chakra into that scroll, but one of those Pains launched a rocket at us. I dove into the water one way, but I saw Jiraiya sinking to the bottom in another direction."

Naruto thought briefly, gripping the scroll, before saying, "Bring Kushina and Kakashi before opening that scroll, Aunt Tsunade. Fukasaku, could you summon only those toads who were close to Jiraiya. I know that you all were close, but only the closest. This office is small."

Tsunade called Shizune and had her send summons before turning to Naruto. "What's in the scroll, Naruto?"

Naruto looked at her, knowing that despite his lecherous behavior, Jiraiya had only ever loved her, and that she didn't return his feelings. "That seal is similar to part of my own seal in some ways," he explained, patting his stomach. "Bear with me. Just after Sasuke woke up from his breakdown, I asked Jiraiya about what he would say to you if he knew he would die. Jiraiya responded that it was something between the two of you and that he wouldn't tell anyone else.

"After using shadow clones for so long, I figured out some of the idiosyncrasies and technicalities. They are basically solid chakra constructs imbued with the original's mind. When we were studying storage seals and explosive seals, I noticed that they essentially sealed chakra into a scroll.

"It was then that we revisited the discussion we'd had about what he'd say to you if he knew he would die. I asked him if it was possible to seal a shadow clone into a scroll. He didn't know and we spent a while trying to work it out together before we figured out how to do it.

"That scroll contains the last remnants of Jiraiya's mind and chakra in the form of a shadow clone. He prepared it because he knew he wouldn't return from whatever mission he went on. He made it for you."

The air was still and silent for many long moments before Tsunade choked out, "How long will the clone last?"

"I don't know. As long as it has chakra and nobody dispels it is the best answer I can give you," Naruto explained. "But the real, original Jiraiya is dead, so the clone won't have anywhere to dispel. It'll start to fade as the chakra runs down rather than instantly vanish with a puff of smoke. It'll fight to stay with us for as long as it can. But its lifespan is limited to how much chakra is in the seal. We'll be watching him die."

Tsunade's hands trembled holding the scroll. Her mind was in turmoil. Jiraiya made sure that their last words wouldn't be that half-drunk bet they'd made as he walked out of the village.

Kushina and Kakashi arrived with Shizune. The Hokage's office felt cramped with Naruto, Tsunade, Kushina, Kakashi, Shizune, Fukasaku, and an older female toad named Shima. Gamabunta was outside the office, peering in through the window.

Tsunade looked at everyone once the door was closed. She wasn't sure what to say. She looked at Naruto. "How do I…?"

"It's just like a blood-sealed message scroll. It's sealed so that only certain people can open it. It's just like a storage scroll, so just put some chakra in and he'll come out of the scroll," Naruto said, barely holding himself together.

Tsunade nicked her thumb with a kunai before swiping it across the scroll. She opened it on the floor, revealing the complex seal matrix imprinted on the scroll. She looked up at everyone assembled. 'I know that he would want to see everyone in this room one last time,' she morbidly thought, unsealing the contents.

Jiraiya blinked, looking around the room. "Too bad this isn't the hot springs," he croaked, with half a smile.

"Jiraiya…" Tsunade trailed, fighting back angry tears.

"I knew that I might not make it back, Tsunade. Nobody lives forever."

Tsunade looked at the man's shadow clone with a mixture of rage and sorrow. This would be her last conversation with Jiraiya. Ever.

"The leader of Akatsuki is one of those kids I trained back in the war," Jiraiya finally said. "I'm pretty sure the one behind it is named 'Nagato'. I don't know everything about what he's done, but the real one is using some technique to simultaneously control six bodies and each body has a single powerful jutsu that it can perform. I didn't see them all, but one has machine parts like rockets and bombs. One can summon. One can absorb chakra. I nearly beat them, but I guess one can restore the other bodies. Or maybe the original can. Or both.

"You should get more information out of the body I managed to capture, if it didn't get summoned or fight its way out."

"Shizune… did you get all of that?" the Fifth Hokage asked. The dark-haired woman nodded in response after her pencil finished moving over a notepad.

"Lord Fukasaku, please take Naruto to Mount Myoboku and train him in the sage arts. Tsunade, you should know that you'll inherit my entire estate, with the exception of certain rights regarding my books. Kushina, I wrote some letters, years ago, that are for you and Naruto. Contact my publisher for the details. Kakashi, bring me your best quality copies so I can autograph them," Jiraiya hurried.

"Bunta! It has been an honor and a privilege to fight with you for all of these years! Lord Fukasaku and Lady Shima, you were my family when I had none," he finished quickly. "Hugs for everyone!" he shouted, hugging everyone in turn.

Fukasaku grabbed Naruto, asking, "When do you want to begin your training, Naruto?"

Kushina turned to the toad. "Akatsuki is on the move. We no longer have time to waste. Go. Now," she ordered as she turned back to the man who had spent the last sixteen years trying to redeem himself for what only he had seen as a failure.

Naruto felt two toads jump up to his shoulders and then he went through a summoning vortex, appearing in a strange jungle at the foot of a mountain.

"Welcome to Mount Myoboku, Naruto. We're going to be training in the sage arts here," Fukasaku said, smiling.

—The Land of Lightning, a few miles outside the Village Hidden in the Clouds—

A dark-skinned man with a white chest-plate rhymed, "Don't you know? This is the Land of Lightning, yo!"

"Oh, great. The shit-talking octopus is here," a man with slicked-back, grey hair complained. "I fucking told you that we were making too big a goddamn scene."

"Just do your job!" the masked figure rumbled, already engaged in combat with a blonde woman who was covered in deep-blue chakra. "I'll handle the woman."

"Hey now, Matatabi! One of us has to get free!" the dark-skinned man shouted as a tentacle sped from his back into the masked figure. "And warn the other jinchuuriki!"

The grey-haired man rushed at the dark-skinned man, his three-bladed scythe held high, and attacked with ferocity and viciousness that the dark-skinned man hadn't encountered since the Third Great Ninja War.

'I'm too exhausted to continue the fight, but I won't abandon a friend,' the woman thought.

Seeing the conflict in the woman, the dark-skinned man yelled, "I'm not messing around, Yugito! You have to escape!" without rhyming from behind the clash of blades.

"Bee!" Yugito screamed as the last of her tenant's chakra thinned away. 'He didn't even rhyme! DAMMIT, BEE!'

"This is not a discussion! You escape or we both die. Don't make me regret coming here. Now, GO!" Kira Bee screamed as he whirled with seven blades held all over his body.

Yugito charged with all of the speed the great Two-tailed Cat could lend her back to the Village Hidden in the Clouds, hoping that she could at least provide some information to her home. The Raikage, Kira Bee's own brother, would be furious. But his fury paled in comparison to how angry the woman was at herself.

—The Village Hidden in the Leaves—

"Jiraiya… I'm sorry," Tsunade said once the two were alone in the Hokage's office.

"For what?" he said with a half-hearted smile. He could feel that he only had an hour or two left before he faded; just enough time to watch the sun set one last time. "I don't want to spend my last minutes in regret. Call it a last request and humor me?"

Tsunade looked at the man. It was only now, in their twilight, when it was far too late, that she realized what she should have done years ago. That she was wrong to discard him. That she could have been happy with him. Maybe, if she'd tried harder after Dan died, she might have been able to spend time with him. Maybe, if she'd tried to look past his glaring defects. Maybe…

But that wasn't how their story would end, she knew. Their story wasn't a comedy, where the heroes got together and lived happily ever after. Their story wasn't a daring adventure where the man and the woman overcame obstacles and found love in each other's arms. Their story didn't have a happy ending. Their story was a tragedy and she found out too late that she didn't like the way it ended; she didn't like it at all.

"Tsu-chan?" Jiraiya asked. "Would you… I mean, if you don't mind… Would you watch the sunset with me? Please… I-I don't want to be alone…" he finished almost desperately.

The story of Jiraiya and Tsunade would end as he faded, smiling contently, while the sun dipped below the horizon, leaving a blazing trail of fire across the sky, and she cried alone in the dark on top of her grandfather's carved face, regretting every mean thing she'd ever said to him.

—Uzumaki Apartment—

"You KNOW how I feel about him!" Hinata screamed in an outburst that would never happen anywhere close to a public place. "You've always KNOWN! Dammit!"

Kushina sighed. Hinata was still furious that Naruto thought of her as a sister. "I've given you advice about men before: they are stupid. You have to make things obvious," Kushina explained.

"But you sabotaged me! And now he's with Ino or Hana or one of the others!" Hinata raged.

"Hinata, how many men have you been with?" Kushina prodded.

"Those were missions! Those don't count!" the dark-haired girl fumed, uncharacteristically emotional.

"And that time with Kiba?" Kushina asked, causing Hinata to blush.

"No one was supposed to know about that!" Hinata burst, her face red.

"I didn't become head of ANBU because of my pretty face, Hinata. So you had sex with Kiba even though you don't love him. Do you think that you are the only woman to have sex with someone because she got lonely?" Kushina cooed. "Sometimes, you need more than a battery-operated friend and a good book."

Hinata paled.

Kushina laughed. "Did you think that you'd figured out some great secret relaxation technique? Women have been doing that since before their 'friends' were battery operated."

"This is about Naruto, not a history of porn. Could you at least pretend to care?" Hinata grumbled.

"Hinata, Naruto is my son. I would have been happy if he could have stayed my baby forever," she paused, thinking, 'At least I kept him from graduating early. A dozen years has to have been enough… There is no more time,' before continuing. "But that's just not how the world works. Naruto is an adult and he'll choose his own woman. I will respect him and I'll have to be happy with whoever she is, no matter what," Kushina lectured. "And if you truly care about him, so will you."

"But…" Hinata started before Kushina interrupted.

"No. Don't get mad if you lose without trying. You haven't even begun to try, so stop acting like a child," Kushina finished sternly, her voice the implacable head of ANBU rather than the jovial matron.

"… What if he rejects me?" Hinata whispered low enough that Kushina couldn't hear.

"I have to arrange a sealing chamber for when Naruto returns. He thinks that he'll be able to harmonize his chakra after he finishes training with the Toads."

"He's only been gone for a day…" Hinata said in wonder.

"You know how he trains. He wants to break Itachi's seal," Kushina said as she finished her tea. "And he isn't giving up just because the situation looks bleak."

"I'm not giving up," Hinata said, finally regaining her composure.

Before Hinata could work her confidence up any more, someone knocked on the door. Kushina answered to find Cat, an ANBU operative with long, purple hair and long swords on her back, supporting a very drunk Tsunade, whose arm was wrapped around Cat's shoulder.

"Bring her in," Kushina sighed. Tsunade only got drunk twice a year: on her brother's birthday and on Dan's birthday. The woman drank often, but she only got completely hammered on those days.

Cat dragged Tsunade inside to the couch as Kushina closed the door behind the pair. Hinata looked concerned for the Hokage. "What happened?" she asked.

Cat finished covertly checking the apartment before Yugao removed her mask. "She drank. Heavily," Yugao responded. "I found her passed out next to a nearly empty barrel of sake on top of the monument. She kept mumbling about how she wouldn't let anyone else make the mistakes she made."

Tsunade's hand shot out, grabbing a shocked Hinata's arm and dragging the teen to within an inch of Tsunade's face. "Don't. Wait. Y'unnersan? Yuh can't jus' waitaround. If summon loves you… Love. Them. Back," she managed before she started sobbing and curled into a ball on the couch.

"Leave," Kushina commanded. Both younger women vanished from the apartment as if they'd teleported, leaving only a swirl of leaves and a swinging door in their wake. Kushina closed the door and windows, activating the complex security and privacy seals that she'd installed over the past two years for handling delicate ANBU matters at home.

No one else would know that the Hokage broke down. No one would know that she cried in Kushina's lap for hours, like a child. No one would know that while comforting Tsunade, Kushina was crying too. "They still need us," Kushina finally whispered.

Both women had finally stopped crying, but their eyes were still red and their breathing uneven. "Who?" the older woman asked.

"Everyone, Lady Tsunade. Everyone needs us," Kushina replied, wiping her eyes and smiling. "Everyone in the village. Everyone in our lives. Nothing stops because we lose one person. You know that we can't afford that. Do you remember his first book?"

Tsunade nodded dumbly. She remembered that Jiraiya had written a book that wasn't smut long ago.

"Tales of a Gutsy Ninja was the title. It was his best book. Do you know what the lesson of the book was?" Kushina asked, already knowing the answer.

Tsunade croaked out, "No."

"Never give up," Kushina answered. "I know that he was the last of your peers, the last of your friends, still alive. But you can't give up yet. Look at what we've done in the last three years. Look at what we've accomplished."

"No," Tsunade firmly stated. "You're right. Nawaki wouldn't want me to give up. Dan wouldn't want me to give up. And Jiraiya…" She smiled. "Jiraiya would want me to show him my tits after not giving up."

Kushina smiled. "Did I ever tell you about the time Jiraiya 'accidentally' peeped on me with Minato?"

"You don't talk about Minato," Tsunade replied.

"Ah. Well. Minato was bugging Jiraiya about training ideas. This was after Minato had made jonin, but before he had his own team. Anyway, Jiraiya told Minato that he would help him with some seals, but only after he got some inspiration for one of the first Icha Icha books. Of course, Jiraiya wanted to look at naked women, so he dragged Minato to the hot springs, according to Minato.

"I still think that he went voluntarily, but he swore up and down that Jiraiya had forced him. Anyway, I was taking in a hot bath with Mikoto and some of the other jonin women when I smelled Minato. We'd been dating for a while and I recognized his scent.

"I didn't know he was peeking with Jiraiya, so I got up, fully nude, and walked over to the fence. Because who tells the women not to peek at the men?" Kushina said with a foxy grin. "So I snuck over to the fence and lifted myself up only to see Jiraiya and Minato ogling at everyone through some holes they'd managed to find in the fence!

"I reached out and pulled Minato over and started to beat him and yell about him and his perverted sensei in front of everyone, which was when everyone else figured out that Jiraiya was peeking on them. I was so mad at Minato for looking at other women that I'd forgotten that I was completely naked and that Jiraiya was watching the whole thing until the other women jumped the fence and started beating Jiraiya."

Kushina paused. "If you've read any of the Icha Icha series, you might recognize that scene. Of course, in Jiraiya's book, it ended a little bit differently than what happened at the hot spring that day."

Tsunade couldn't help but laugh at the story. It was just so… Jiraiya.

—Hyuuga Compound—

"Why aren't you preparing for the jonin examination?" Hiashi Hyuuga asked his eldest daughter.

"I am going to Mount Myoboku to find Naruto," Hinata answered politely, continuing to pack.

Hiashi stood thinking for several minutes before responding. "Why?"

Hinata mentally sighed. 'I love you, Father, but sometimes you can be quite dense.' Hinata turned to face her father, face set in determination. "Because I don't want to live the rest of my life not knowing."

Hiashi frowned. 'There are occasions when I see the wisdom in putting the Caged Bird Seal on your children…' The man looked down at his daughter and melted inside. "I suppose there isn't anything I could say or do to stop you is there?" he asked in the icy tone he always used.

Hinata shook her head. "I'm going to see Lady Hokage and Lady Fox as soon as I finish packing. I intend to make the journey as quickly as possible. Life is short, after all."

"I will not interfere on two conditions," the patriarch replied. "First, I want your classified ANBU file. And second, I want you to take a bodyguard."

Hinata narrowed her eyes at her father. 'I expected something like this, but to so brazenly ask for that information…' "Father, you know that those files are classified for a reason. Ask the Hokage or break into ANBU headquarters like everyone else. And a bodyguard would only slow me down."

"Very well. I will accompany you to the Hokage where I will read your file and then I will accompany you to Mount Myoboku. Hanabi and Neji will handle clan matters in my absence," Hiashi commanded. "You don't think that your father and clan head will slow you down, do you?"

Hinata sighed. 'At least he didn't order a branch member to accompany me…'

—Deep Underground—

The dark permeated everything, revealing only the single eye of Danzo Shimura. He didn't move when he spoke. "You must harvest a new pair of eyes. Sasuke must return to active duty soon."

"Yes, Sir," one of the masked figures responded before fading back into the darkness.

'That fool woman thinks that medical jutsus will bring strength to the village. I will show her true strength. Then the jonin will recognize that she is weak. Feh. It should have been Orochimaru. He understood true strength.'

—Mount Myoboku—

A crack rang out down the mountain and a blonde teenager screamed, "Ow!"

"Stop messing up and I'll stop hitting you, boy!" the elder toad shouted.

"If the stick clears out nature energy, then why do you only have the one stick?" Naruto shouted back.

"There are plenty of sticks, but there's only one of me!" Fukasaku shouted again.

"Then you need to learn the shadow clone jutsu!" Naruto retorted.

"That doesn't matter. Too many clones will lead to you overloading on nature chakra and turning into a statue!" Fukasaku yelled.

"Dammit!" Naruto shouted to no one in particular. He summoned four more clones and sat in the strange oil collecting in a pool at the edge of the mountain. "We can't very well stop now. This was the last thing Jiraiya-sensei told me to learn and I mean to learn it. Let's go, Toad Sage."

Chapter 21

"Neji Hyuuga has been locked in the Hyuuga compound for two days. We haven't seen him at all, Lady Hokage," a girl with two buns of brown hair on either side of her head explained. "We're worried that he needs a doctor but is too proud to go to one."

Tsunade nodded. Ever since Hinata and Hiashi came in, the Hyuuga's have been acting strangely. Neji was not the only Hyuuga to give sick notice. 'Maybe Kushina will have answers for me,' the Hokage thought to herself.

"Lord Hyuuga accompanied his daughter, Hinata, on a pilgrimage several days ago. The very next day, several members of the Hyuuga clan fell ill," Tsunade replied. "The hospital and private doctors have not reported being summoned to the Hyuuga clan compound, so I'm almost certain that something fishy is going on."

The teen wearing green spandex with an absurd bowl-cut interrupted. "Lady Hokage! Please allow me to investigate the strange sickness surrounding the Hyuuga clan! My youth will destroy any un-youthful plague that is attacking my comrades!"

"I appreciate your enthusiasm, Chunin Lee, but the matter is already being handled," Tsunade explained. "I dispatched a messenger and several medics to the Hyuuga compound this morning and expect them to return with a report soon. Rest assured that the situation is under control. You are dismissed."

—

"How DARE they question ME! I am the clan head! I will discipline any member of the clan as I see fit!" the temporary clan head raged. Neji was finally feeling better, but his balance was still shaky. Listening to the eleven-year-old girl rant about being in charge was making his head hurt. Not because she activated the seal again, but because her voice was whiney and squealed.

'I bet she could break glass if she shrieked loud enough…' he couldn't help thinking. "Lady Hyuuga," Neji attempted to interject.

"The sheer AUDACITY of those… those… those PEASANTS!" the girl with dark hair and pale eyes continued ranting.

The tantrum was taking place in an office with very little furniture styled in traditional Eastern motif. Neji sat respectfully on the floor, fully expecting the rant to continue if he didn't interrupt.

"Lady Hyuuga," Neji tried again, louder this time.

"Eh? What is it?" Hanabi impatiently looked at Neji, who was bowing.

"There are ANBU approaching the compound," Neji calmly explained. "One of them is Lady Fox."

"Just who is this Lady Fox that she's so important?" the soon-to-be teen demanded.

"Lady Fox is the head of ANBU, Lady Hyuuga," Neji informed. 'And you would do well to avoid her scrutiny, dumbass. But you'll find that out soon enough… Serves you right, too,' he thought.

"I am the clan head and I will NOT be interrupted. Make the old hag wait," Hanabi ordered as two female figures appeared in the dojo, wearing the signature black clothes, chest armor, and masks of ANBU.

The one with purple hair and a cat mask spoke first. "Lady Hyuuga, the Hokage requires your presence," she said, coldly.

"Tell the Hokage that I'll be with her shortly," Hanabi snapped.

The woman in the fox mask looked down at the clan head. "You have such pretty hair, Lady Hyuuga. Do you use any special products?"

'Damn… Lady Fox heard Lady Hyuuga,' Neji thought.

"I use only the finest hair-care products, as is befitting of a clan head, Fox," Hanabi responded, managing to look down her nose at the head of ANBU.

"I wonder why it's so dirty then," the redhead asked, tilting her head.

Hanabi spun to a mirror to verify that her hair was indeed covered in dirt. Neji's byakugan could see a clone tampering with the conditioner in Hanabi's bathroom, but he remained silent. He turned his eyes to meet Lady Fox's and winked at the woman.

"I will go to the Hokage as soon as I wash this filth from my hair," Hanabi responded, wondering how her hair was covered in dirt.

Once Hanabi left, Neji stumbled over to Fox and Cat. "Does the Hokage require my presence as well?" he asked as Cat steadied him.

Kushina thought for a moment, but quickly nodded. "Yes. You are a jonin-sensei and she needs to know what illness has kept you from your duties," she responded. "What illness could so egregiously affect your abilities?"

"I'm sure that some rest is all that I will need to recover," Neji responded. "Of course, if I wasn't weakened," Neji calmly explained, "I would know exactly what happened here. It's terrible that the acting clan head's bodyguard was unable to protect her from a prank."

—

The Hokage's office was mostly still. Tsunade clones were organizing the piles of paperwork into various categories, signing off on mission reports, and making mission assignments, while Tsunade and Kushina sat in chairs with a bottle of sake between them.

"Oh, Kushina… that's mean," Tsunade said through teary eyes. Her stomach still hurt from laughing so hard. "She's only twelve."

"She's eleven. And the little bitch needs to learn how to play with the Big Girls," Kushina said with a smile. "If she thinks she's special because she's acting clan head... Well, she isn't. And she needs to learn to respect other people."

"Still… Nair in her conditioner? With a genjutsu to make her believe that her hair was filthy?" Tsunade asked.

Kushina just smiled evilly. "It is a lesson that she won't soon forget. I could have just maimed her or killed her on the spot, you know."

"Stop acting crazy. You wouldn't hurt a child like that," Tsunade scolded.

Kushina's crazy-face faded to a light smile. "You're right, but don't tell her that. They'll be here shortly. I'll see you later, Lady Hokage," Kushina said, bowing and dispelling in a puff of smoke.

The knock at the door from Shizune alerted the Hokage to make a note of where each stack left off. Tsunade sighed, dispelling the clones. "Enter," she intoned.

Neji Hyuuga opened the door to the Hokage's office for a smaller Hyuuga wearing a bandana. "I wish to lodge a complaint against the ANBU known as Fox," the girl said as she entered.

"Oh?" Tsunade said, barely managing to contain a laughing fit. "What has the head of ANBU done?"

"She has assaulted my person," the indignant girl claimed.

"She assaulted you? Did anyone see this? Do you have any injuries?" Tsunade asked, feigning concern.

The girl stared at the Hokage and pulled off the bandana to reveal a completely bare skull. "She assaulted me and I wish to report her," Hanabi repeated.

"Lady Fox shaved your head?" Tsunade asked.

"She put Nair in my hair products!" Hanabi said with a huff. "I want her arrested and punished!"

"I'm sorry, but the village doesn't bend to your whim," Tsunade said in her Hokage voice. "If you wish to pursue this, then you should report the matter to ANBU or the Jonin Commander so that they can investigate. Otherwise, I have serious matters to discuss with you, Lady Hyuuga. I would like to know why most of your clan has been too ill to work."

Hanabi paled slightly. Neji stood quietly, like a good bodyguard, while his charge took the brunt of an angry Hokage yelling about manpower and fitness to lead. 'I miss Hinata and Lord Hyuuga,' he thought after only ten minutes.

—

The forest rocketed by the teenaged girl with short, dark hair, just long enough for a ponytail. The massive trees provided many launching points to keep the travel pace between a light jog and a ninja run. A man with similar features and longer hair labored to keep pace with the teen.

"How long has it been since you've been on a mission, Father?" Hinata asked as the pair travelled at a pace that would break a normal chunin.

Hiashi was huffing and puffing, but he refused to show any weakness. "A while," he responded tersely.

"Are you alright? It's almost dark and I'm going to have to take a bathroom break soon," Hinata asked, enjoying her father's anguish immensely. For years he had told her that she was weak, that she wasn't worthy of being the next clan head. She still loved her father, but after the years of being called weak, she couldn't help feeling a hint of joy as she outpaced him. The pair had been travelling for nearly eight hours without stopping.

Hiashi grunted, "Fine," before his breathing became heavy again.

'Her ANBU record was impressive,' the Hyuuga patriarch thought. 'Twenty-four assassinations, seven infiltrations, and even four seductions in just one year. My weak daughter; the disappointment; the failure in the Gentle Fist. Only a chunin they said. Neji is stronger they said. Even Hanabi is stronger they said. If only the elders knew… Maybe I should reinstate her as clan heir and retire.'

"How did you … so much stamina?" Hiashi huffed more than asked.

Hinata smiled kindly. "Kushina-sensei trains ANBU with great intensity. There are no exceptions."

"Are you … able to fight?" he asked, genuinely curious about his daughter's capabilities.

"I could, if necessary," she responded. "The minimum rank for joining ANBU is chunin, but most are about Jonin level by the time they finish the training program. Some opt to continue until they are S-ranked," she hinted.

Hiashi thought for a moment before responding. His aching lungs had nothing to do with it. Really. "How?" he finally asked.

"The same way that all training has been modified: judicious use of medical intervention," Hinata answered. "It's far easier to advance when no one worries about injuries. The program would not have worked even a few years ago, but Tsunade and Shizune have trained and implemented an unparalleled medical program. There are enough medics to heal the worst injuries and accelerate recovery times from training strain."

Hinata stopped and retrieved the map that the Hokage had given her. The Toads and the Slugs were on good terms and if the Slug Princess sent someone, then the Toads would at least be hospitable. Even at the inhuman pace Hinata was setting, it would still be almost two weeks before they would arrive at Mount Myoboku.

"I think I'll take that break now, Father. Feel free to rest and drink some water," Hinata said, looking at the nearby foliage.

—

Naruto sat in a pool of oil meditating. His eyes were shadowed with orange and oil fell on him without disturbing his apparent trance. The natural energy surrounding him was easy to feel after years of a similar meditation that Jiraiya had insisted he learn.

'Maybe this is why the old goat had me practice those stillness exercises,' he thought before the old toad with a goatee called out.

"Naruto! It's time to try without the training wheels. Get out of the oil pond," Fukasaku instructed.

Naruto stood, jumping to the edge of the pond. He felt stronger, somehow. Reinforced by the mixture of yin, yang, and natural energies he'd gathered within his body.

"You've done well, young Naruto. Now, you must learn to gather the sage chakra without the toad oil. And then I will teach you Toad Sage taijutsu," Fukasaku explained.

Naruto let the sage chakra dissipate before following the old toad through the strange forest to their next training spot. He knew that Jiraiya was a force to be reckoned with and that the sage arts were a major part in that. If he had any hope of defeating Akatsuki, he knew that what he learned with the Toads would be crucial.

—

Sasuke still had bandages around his head from his eye-replacement surgery. His bag was already packed and his mind was clear. He knew that his next mission might be his last with how ROOT had insisted he hurry.

"Sasuke, you are being unnecessarily cold to the howler-monkey," Itachi commented.

"You call her a howler-monkey, brother. Why do you care how I treat her?" Sasuke responded.

"Fine. You are being unnecessarily cold to Sakura," Itachi retorted. "What happened to make you treat her like that?"

Sasuke sat at the table, trying not to scratch his itching eyes, but lifting the bandage that covered his eyes. "She's like tsukuyomi," he simply said, staring directly into Itachi's eyes with his own sharingan spinning.

Itachi sighed, removing the glasses he now wore, and activated the prized genjutsu. The two were in a world that Itachi hadn't used to just talk since before he killed Shisui. "What was so important that we had to discuss it in the most powerful genjutsu I can use?"

Sasuke responded by opening his mouth and lifting his tongue to expose a seal similar to the one Itachi bore. "Oh," Itachi said, ending the genjutsu prematurely.

"Just because I think she's like a torture genjutsu, doesn't mean that she's a bad person," Itachi replied, covering for his brother. 'When I break this seal, I'm going to unmake Danzo,' he calmly thought.

"I have to go on a mission. Perhaps we could train later?" Sasuke said as he picked up his bag and went to the door.

"Of course," Itachi answered, adding, "Go easy on those eyes. The sharingan does not come naturally to them and I don't want them to fail you in the middle of a mission."

—

Shikamaru fidgeted under the glare of the Hokage and the head of ANBU.

"I'm not letting Naruto marry your girlfriend just so that she can stay here," Kushina said sternly. "So you'd better hope that the Sand elders bite off on this little exchange program you've cooked up."

Shikamaru nodded silently.

"Did Naruto tell you about the Akatsuki problem?" Tsunade asked, angry at having to deal with a potential international incident.

"I should have been told sooner," Shikamaru answered.

"You shouldn't have been told at all," Tsunade replied angrily.

Shikamaru looked at Kushina who stared at him with intensity that he'd only seen in Naruto's eyes. "It would have changed my answer to joining ANBU last year," Shikamaru retorted, slightly irritated.

"But you turned me down last year and now we need to train your body to the point where you can keep up without raising suspicion," Kushina said aloud, while secretly signing, 'I told you so,' to Tsunade.

"I can get you Sakura for four hours every night, but you can't tell her what any of this is about," the Hokage compromised. "She is not to know that you are training to fight S-ranked opponents. Is that clear?"

Shikamaru nodded. "I was talking to Uzumaki," Tsunade said as she continued staring at Kushina.

"Yes, Lady Hokage. Sakura is not to know about Akatsuki," Kushina replied, turning to Shikamaru. "I am preparing you for the jonin test, as far as anyone else is concerned. And you will get your father to teach you clan techniques. If he gives you any trouble, blackmail him. If you don't have anything, I've got a few things that could convince him, but Shikaku will probably figure out what we're up to."

Shikamaru sighed, muttering, "Troublesome."

"Don't worry about that," Tsunade interrupted. "I told Shikaku about Akatsuki when the mission to save Gaara failed."

Kushina smiled evilly at Shikamaru. "In that case, just tell him that I'm asking him to train you and that if I'm happy with how you progress, we're even for Minato's bachelor party," she said with crazy eyes. "Tell him that if I'm not happy, I'm telling your mother about it."

Shikamaru sighed again, muttering, "Really troublesome," before he turned and left the office. He was smart enough to know when he'd been dismissed without anyone actually saying the word.

—

Naruto stood in front of a table opposite the massive bars that locked the nine-tailed fox away. Two clawed fingers protruded from the cage holding what appeared to be a miniscule, wooden brick. The tower of wooden bricks began to wobble and then fell with a clatter.

"Ha! I win, Kurama!" Naruto exclaimed.

The nine-tailed fox roared, shaking the bars and rattling the table, including the collapsed pile of Jenga bricks. Red water bubbled through the bars, lifting Naruto up and knocking over the table and game.

"Oi! Stop that!" Naruto shouted. "Don't be a sore loser!"

The kyuubi roared again, but the red water receded. "That game isn't fair! You have tiny little hands and I have giant claws!" the great beast raged.

"You said you wanted to play something new and this is the only game I could think of," Naruto said as the last of the red water receded back behind the bars.

The massive fox growled. "Whatever. That game is stupid," Kurama muttered before curling up. "You're not even here to see me, so just do it already."

Naruto sighed. 'I've been putting this off for far too long,' he thought. 'And now that I'm practiced at changing chakra modulation, I really have no excuse.'

He floated up to the center of the cage, where a paper with the word "seal" was stuck over what must have been a lock. He lifted his hand to the edge of the paper before yelling, "I know you're in here, Fourth Hokage! I know you set this failsafe, Minato Namikaze! If I have to break the seal to get you to show yourself, I will! Now… SHOW YOURSELF!"

A blonde man in his twenties appeared next to Naruto next to the seal with a stern yet confused look on his face, quickly grabbing the teen's hand and moving it away from the seal. "I thought you'd grown out of temper-tantrums," the man said kindly.

"I needed to get you out of the seal in order to talk and I had no intention of waiting until a problem with the seal came up," Naruto replied with a smile. "Besides," Naruto said as a tendril of energy leapt from Naruto to the older man, changing from blue to blue-green as it travelled from Naruto to Minato, "you won't run out of chakra, so we can have a long conversation and you can teach me everything you know."

And that is it! The author didn't finish the story after that.

[theshadowsanctum]

Action figures meant to promote the movie

[alrightbookreviews]

Shadow and Bone

by Leigh Bardugo

book: 7/10

show: 9/10

Alright so i’m assuming most of y’all have heard of this book after the Netflix series came out like a week ago and are like “damn i shoulda read the book” or maybe not. but if not then idk why ur even on my blog but whatever. i read this book like a month or two ago before i even knew about the show so it was a strange coincidence for me but i was excited for the show bc the book was pretty decent. so i sat down to watch the show w pretty low expectations bc the movies are never better than the books (duh) but i ended up liking the show WAY more than the book and here’s why.

So basically, the plot of the book is this chick named alina who draws maps i guess has this friend named mal (who she grew up at an orphanage with) and she has been high key in love w him basically her whole life and he is so fucking clueless so he doesn’t pick up on it at all. but they get sent on a boat across this big black cloud thing called the “shadow fold” w spooky monsters in it. so you’re probably thinking “oh okay since they took a boat, the shadow fold must be over water” wrong. it’s over some crusty ass sand and instead of getting something with wheels they drag this big ass boat across dry land which makes 0 sense to me but okay. also i should probably mention that there are people w like magic powers or some shit but i’ll get to that later. anyways, so alina and her bestie end up on this boat goin across the big spooky cloud with some other rando people. another design flaw of the boat that really bothers me is the fact that there are EVIL FLYING MOSTERS up in this dark ass cloud and instead of like putting everyone below deck or whatever, they jus have everyone vibing out in the open for the monsters to snatch. so of course, the monsters start snatching bitches. and mal gets snatched and alina is like omg no and then she passes the fuck out. very wild stuff. so they make it out of the shadow fold somehow and alina wakes up and these guard dudes are draggin her to the fancy magic people tent. i think now is a good time to explain the magic people so ima do that. so basically there are all these people with magic powers called “grisha” which is kinda confusing bc it sounds a lot like geisha but whatever. there’s like a bunch of different powers and they all have wacky names that i can never remember so i just call them the wind people, the water people, the fire people, the heart people, the healing people, and the builder people. the names are pretty self explanatory. but then there’s this one guy called “the darkling” which is the dumbest name to ever exist omfg i laughed over it for a WHILE. so y’all can probably guess what his power is based off of his stupid name. he makes the shadows move oooo spooky. and he can also use the shadows to chop people in half. i guess. so back to the story, they drag alina to the darklings tent and he’s like “bitch u got powers” and she’s like “nah fam” and he’s like “yeah watch” and he cuts her w a knife and she lights up. like she turns into a human lightbulb. and she’s like “damn okay so like that’s what happened on the boat when i passed the fuck out” so they take her to the palace bc i guess she’s the first person to ever have that power and it’s important bc it can get rid of the shadow fold or whateva. and basically the rest of the book is her trying to figure out her powers and the darkling trying to find this deer whose antlers will amplify her power and alina complaining about living in a castle blah blah blah.

so here’s why the show is better than the book:

her friend/guy she’s in love with is so fucking toxic in the book. he’s such a bitch to her and she’s just like lol okay ily and i’m like wtf? why do u like this piece of shit? he’s just rude man. and in the show i actually liked him. he tried his hardest to get to the palace and find her after they took her away unlike in the book when he didn’t do shit and when she finally saw him again he was mad at her for some reason idk i was like bro u gotta chill. so i’m glad he was chill in the show.

the darkling’s name in the show is “general kirigan” which is also pretty lame but SO much better than the darkling. no debate.

leigh bardugo has 7 books total taking place in this little universe (the shadow and bone trilogy, six of crows duology, and the king of scars duology) and they threw some of the characters from six of crows into the show for some reason. i was a little skeptical of how that was gonna go before the show came out bc shadow and bone and six of crows take place at different times and also i haven’t read six of crows yet but omg. i loved them. it’s this little squad of this ninja bitch, some guy w a cane who is hot af and (my favorite) this gay dude who mostly just talks about a goat. they were baddies and i was so happy they made a lil plot for them and put them in the show.

and those are really the only reasons. idk. i’d recommend both the book and the show but definitely the show a lil bit more.

now it’s time to talk some shit about everyone. (SPOILERS!!)

jesper: okay something important i need to say that my mom mentioned as we were watching the show: wouldn’t it have stank like shit when jesper fucked that one guy in the stables??? like dude no. literally do it ANYWHERE but there pls and thank u.

kaz: jesus fuck make a move you goddamn pussy holy shit

inej: okay first of all the actress who played her was GORGEOUS and she’s such a badass. kaz and jesper can’t do SHIT compared to her.

alina: she lowkey annoyed me a lil bit in the show. she ended up being the one who was a dick to mal instead of the other way around and it kinda made me sad but whatever. also the antlers in her skin omfg i gagged every time i saw it it was fucking disgusting.

mal: dear book mal, go fuck yourself. dear netflix mal, ily boo <3

the darkling/general kirigan: they chose an old ass dude to play him in the show. like in the book even though he’s like hundreds of years old, he’s only supposed to look like 20 and the homeboy who played him in the show is 39. mmm no. poor little 25 year old jessie who had to make out with this grandpa motherfucker.

genya: wtf was that tall ass collar she was wearing?? made the bitch look like she had no neck.

david: 🧍‍♂️. also you traitor motherfucker.

baghra: we needed more of her. i love that crusty bitch. kinda upset that she attacked mal in the show but whatever he was fine i guess? idk i liked her a lot more in the book lol.

nina: idk who tf this bitch was bc she aint in the book. her lil plot was boring tbh.

milo: queen milo i live for you.

and that’s it. thank u for reading.

[kishimoto-did-us-dirty]

Can you do domestic Hc's sfw and nsfw for Sasuke and shika?

ofc lovely~ thank you for requesting!!

under the cut for the nsfw!

Domestic HC’s for Sasuke and Shikamaru

Domestic Headcanons for Sasuke

sfw

this man is so independent and neat. he’s naturally rather organized without even trying to be, so don’t expect to be doing much cleaning, because Sasuke naturally handles a lot of it on his own.

he did live on his own for several years, and although he was messy as a kid, as he got older he just got more pragmatic and conscious of his living space

he can do laundry, do the dishes and he’s not too bad of a cook. you may have to be the one doing most of the cooking though, lest there be too many tomatoes in every meal

usually rises rather early without even needing to set an alarm, but you can bet that, after a long mission or fight, he will take his sweet time getting out of bed in the morning. it can be hard for you to get up, too, considering he likes to sleep with an arm around your waist.

sasuke’s home is likely very orderly and clean for the previously stated reason: he’s rather orderly. but should it ever get a little messy, sasuke has no qualms in helping rearrange the house to how it once was – you may not even have to do any work. he just…. does it ig.

his house will also be rather plain. he doesn’t really spend a lot of time at home anyway *cough* *cough* twelve years *cough* *cough* so he doesn’t care too much for stylizing his home. something simple works for him.

Sasuke is a sucker for casually making out w his s/o during down time

after getting home, sasuke always needs to shower immediately, but you can bet right after that he will be right beside his s/o, reading a scroll or going over reports as his s/o does their own thing. he’ll sit right next to you and lightly drape an arm across your shoulder.

comfortable silences with Sasuke >>>

sasuke has a habit of turning on his sharingan unconsciously around you. you do something cute? bet. his sharingan will be on as he burns the image into his mind forever.

unconsciously draws patterns onto your skin when you’re next to him

he smells really nice?

one of his favorite pass-time’s is helping his s/o cook

also enjoys taking baths with his s/o

expect team 7 to be around a lot, especially naruto. they usually come a couple times a month for dinner, although it can be quite tense with sakura at first. she’ll warm up to eventually tho and come to value you as much as she does the other members.

nsfw

sasuke doesn’t really need sex to rewind and relax, he can do that without the pleasure

doesn’t mean he’d complain tho lmao

expect sex all over the house. kitchen? check. dining room? check. bathroom? check. everywhere else? check.

has a bad habit of interrupting you as the two of you make dinner together, lithe fingers running gently up and down your sides as he begins to kiss your neck from behind you.

dinner making can often turn into love making instead

shower sex is one of his favorites

when he was younger, he was a lot rougher in bed and had a possessive streak in him – it was purely physical

as he’s gotten older and less unhealthily angry all the time, he suddenly finds social interaction difficult, considering his form of “interaction” before was being rude and haughty to everyone he met

so older him was a little awkward with sex at first when it actually became an emotional thing rather than just physical 

he gets the hang of it though, and his roughness is still more than there

doesn’t let you cover up all the hickies he leaves

Shikamaru Domestic Headcanons

sfw

on the contrary to sasuke, shikamaru can sleep until well past noon if he wishes

unfortunately, he has a lot of duties and requirements that he knows he has to get up for, you know he has to get up for, fellow ninjas know he has to get up for; but that doesn’t make it any less hard

taking naps with him is a sure fire way to his heart.

this boy basically needs someone to mother him lol. he can’t do laundry, cook or clean – he can’t do any useful domestic skills for shit bro. or rather he can, but it’s too troublesome and “it’ll be much more efficient if you do it. I calculated it.”

his intelligence is surprising considering he can be such a fucking dumbass sometimes. you’ve literally seen him do the dumbest shit like put metal in the microwave or wonder where his keys are when they’re in his hand. they say scatterbrain is a sign of intelligence, but if this man wasn’t so acclaimed for such, you’d honestly wonder.

lazy weekends >

life with shika at home is very relaxed. it’s like a cool breeze on a warm day. you two have the most relaxing conversations regarding all sorts of whatnots and mishaps, with topics varying from preferences to existential businesses, all with fluctuations of severity and hilarity. if you’re one for damn good conversations, shika is the #1 domestic boy.

he’s actually really funny? he’s the type to jokingly insult his s/o, and so if they think it’s funny it’s a big win for him

“hey Shika, do you think it’s possible to manually increase one’s height?”

“if it is, I’m guessing all of yours went to that massive ass forehead” or “Is midget-hood finally getting to you?”

will follow the first one up with “magic forehead shrinking kisses”

expect these conversations to be happening across a shogi or go board. he likes to have games to destress, but please, for the sake of all involved, never expect to win one. he won’t go easy on you (although he will find it incredibly amusing when you lose)

accompanying his s/o as they run errands, no matter how “troublesome” it is. he secretly enjoys it, however. pretends to be annoyed but refuses to let his s/o carry the bags and insists on doing it himself

nsfw

morning sexxxx

it’s his favorite sex tbh and you know we all saw it coming

when the sun is barely peering through the blinds? hohohoho it’s shika’s time to shine y’all.

he just likes how casual and lazy it is, and it’s a great way to start off the day

won’t really have sex outside of the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun

your shared room has a large mirror right in front of the bed, which can be rather teasing sometimes

also

shika literally binds people with his shadows, and if you don’t think that man gets creative with those shadows, then think again

he really likes fingering and mutual masturbation

loves lazy, sloppy head. both giving and recieving

aftercare? what? can’t he just sleep and deal with it in the morning?

cockwarming for sure

also likes to take baths with his s/o which can lead to even more fun ;)

[charactersadvocatechimata]

Law of Life: Redheads Are Absolute 7

“Do you have all your books?”

“Yup.”

“Lunch?”

“Yup.”

Tony nods and brushes a hand through his hair. “Right. Everything will be fine. My babies will be fine. The school is top notch, and the Maria Stark Foundation donates a good chunk of change. Push comes to shove I’ll throw some money around to get my way. Yeah. A completely controlled environment is ideal.”

Clint smiles up at Tony’s oiled, stained face.

“Yeah. Just remember not to blemish the Stark family name, and you will be all right.”

“Howard.” Tony bites out.

“What? The little pipsqueaks are Stark now. They have a familial responsibility to the name. You know this Antony, don’t be naive that they can escape the burden simply because they are children.” Howard waves a hand imperiously at Clint and Natalie. The two ‘gremlins’ in question exchange a look. Nat does not enjoy the new nickname.

“Well, that’s where you are wrong. I registered them as Clint Barton Wolf and Natalie Barnes Wolf. Pepper even got the school to sign a nondisclosure form regarding their connection to Stark International.”

“Impressive.”

“You bet. I’m not letting the public anywhere near my babies unless they say otherwise.”

Howard snorts contemptuously and rolls his eyes. “If the Fates allow it,” the older Stark mumbles before leaving the room.

“We could just not be spent to school,” Clint pleads.

“Education is important. You know this Corncob.”

“School sucks.”

“No argument here. But this school has some the most diverse programs. Sure it’s one of those snobby Alpha schools-” Tony stops waving his hands and turns to Nat. “Mimmo I informed the school you are an Alpha and Clint is your Beta. I’d figure your natural disposition and confusing scent, no one will question your orientation.”

“Понял.” (Understood.)

The genius smiles. “You’ll be in the same class so if you have any problems, Clint, Nat will put a stop to it. Further, if there is ever a moment you need to come home because you are having a bad day just call me on your cell phone.”

“I’m having a bad day.”

Tony huffs, but he’s still smiling and even ruffles Clint’s hair. “Are you having a bad day or are you scared for your first day of school?”

“Scared for my first day of school.”

“That’s what I thought.” Tony laughs. “Everything will be fine Corncob.”

Clint’s shoulders slump, and he heaves a sigh. He feels a hand brush the back of his head and a tap on his forehead. Clint glances into Ma’s whiskey eyes and vaguely remembers another set of paternal eyes once upon a time.

“Just remember that your Father is stalking you like the creepy ninja security blanket of an Alpha that he is.” Tony sighs fondly.

There is a soft thump from the shadows causing both Tony and Clint to smirk.

“Мне тоже.” (Me, too.)

“Of course, Mimmo.” Tony shifts over to Nat and thumps his head against hers.

“Are the Grand Young Masters, ready to leave Young Master?”

“I think so Jarvis.”

Clint sighs heading towards the car ready to get this day over with already. People could be so people like. And tiring. He didn’t need anyone telling him how much of a freak he was, it was his style after all. But people could focus on the dumbest shit. Just saying pleasantries could be tiring and nothing like shooting arrows. Most people couldn’t even understand how awesome arrows were in the first place, not even Ma or Nat. Of course, they make up for it by making him arrows (Tony) or participating in target practice (Nat).

A smaller hand grips his own and Clint shift his gaze down to Natalie. She gave one of her rare smiles. At least he had Nat.

(Mobile Users beware there is more.)

@@@

Useless. Every single one. Teacher is especially useless.

There is an introduction.

She speaks Russian.

He signs.

The others gape.

Mother has requested only this. Only this.

No escape.

The others watch them. Even during lessons.

Some gawk as he flicks paperclips into the trash can.

She’s been making indents in her hand.

This is not a world ruled by Death.

Yet the fear remains.

A soft touch on her hand. She clenches it tight.

“Are you okay?” he signs.

She smirks. She signs, “define okay.”

“Well my usually no internal bleeding probably doesn’t work anymore,” he signs.

She shakes her head no.

He’s smiling.

He smiled even in the Red Room.

Black and blue. He smiled.

Was the smile carved into his skull?

“Are you okay?” she signs.

“Tired,” he signs back.

She pats his cheek.

The others are still staring.

She clutches his hand. It’s real. It has to be.  

@@@

“Stalker Dad. Can you come out?”

Natalie has a bunch of his shirt fabric gripped tight in her hands and Clint can relate. He keeps trying to count his heartbeats, keep his mind of the multiple entry points, all the various spots for hidden weapons, how open his back is to the kids behind him and the lack of defensible positions. It’s only been two periods, but already there is a sharp stabbing pain above his eyes.

The Winter Soldier of Myth and Legend, who he calls fucking Dad now, reforms from the shadows. The former weapon intense gaze sweeps across the (barely) hidden alcove, and already Clint can feel some of the tightness in his chest residing. “Bad day?” Winter kneels down.

“No. Or maybe. I don’t know. I could use a hug.” Clint stretches out his arms and makes a small grabby motion with his hands like he used to. Winter stiffens, and Clint can feel Nat stiffen behind him as well. “You were normal once Buckaroo, you can give me a hug. No one cares.” The boy knows the former weapon doesn’t like that particular nickname, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is a little bit of comfort.

“Um, sure.” Winter slowly reaches for Clint. Taking every moment between heartbeats to check their surrounds. Finally, one flesh and one metal arm wrap around the boy, and Clint heaves a sigh of relief then drops his head against Winter’s neck. The Alpha is still tense but relaxing bit by bit.

Clint feels his new Father’s heart vibrations traveling along his head. At some point Winter slips onto the grass, pulling Clint onto one side of his lap and making room for Nat to wiggle her way into the embrace. They are both a little awkward but Nat’s humming some soft lullaby and Dad is making a small circular motion with his fingers; it’s indeed comforting.

@@@

“You were gone for an entire year. I mourned you, my Prince.” Some kids shouts and signs. Rather smoothly, too. Clint stands blinking at the strange masked child, but he can feel Nat freeze at his side, probably reaching for a hidden blade.

“Wade!”

“Peter!” Clint blinks again and takes a step outside the classroom.

“You should leave them alone. They probably don’t want to be bothered for now.” An another kid with large framed glasses steps forward from behind the weirdo. Where does the school manage to find such wackos?

“Peter. I had a dream.”

“Was this during first period or second?”

“Fourth, actually. More importantly Petey. My dream.” The masked stranger continues to sign as he talks rather smoothly too. “Where I fought the great powers of brainwashing lead by a sexy cat with my two sidekicks, and he was one of my sidekicks.”

“Wade.”

“Yes, Petey?”

“How could you mourn his loss, if you were asleep the entire time the new students were gone?” Peter pushes his glasses against his nose and Nat makes another tug at Clint’s shirt. Yet Wade doesn’t answer the smaller boy right away instead he signs Peter’s words.

“Love, magic, rainbows and chemical-x.”

“Of course, silly me.”

“I’m not your sidekick.” Clint finally manages to voice.

“Too good to be my sidekick,” Wade whines while pressing his hand to his chest. Only to signs his words again ending with the same gesture.

“Nah, I’m her sidekick.” Clint gestures back at Natalie.

“You spoke? Awesome. What else can you do?” Wade asks.

“I like archery.” Nat makes a sharp tug at Clint’s shirt, and when he glances down, she makes another sharp gesture with her hand. “Nat likes knives.”

“Yeah, pointy things are awesome. I keep my katanas in my locker because the teacher was nervous of the stabbing things.”

“Sad.” Nat pipes up, and Clint grins.

“You get me, scary child.” Wade nods seriously.

“Wade.” Peter sighs from the now bouncing Wade.

“It’s a compliment. Jessica always perks up when I call her the scariest thing since Discord made every-pony forget their true selves. Now she’s got competition.”

“You bet. Nat is the scariest thing since running out of pizza bites.”

“My. That is a might power. We ran out of pizza bites last Saturday, and Logan refused to buy more. I thought I would perish.”

“Oh no. What did you do?”

“We had some frozen chimichangas. So I persisted.”

Clint sniggers. “Good thing. Who's Logan?”

“My kind of not-Dad guardian person.”

“I’ve got one of those. And sort of Mom-not-mom, too.”

“Petey, too.”

“Wade means my Uncle Ben and Aunt May.”

“Cool.”

“Well, then. Scary Nat and Sidekick Clint would you like to throw pointy things with Petey and me?”

Clint shifts his eyes over to Nat and cocks a brow the way he's seen Tony do. She nods.

“Sure. Sounds fun.”

First||Prev||Next

[barrimyr-adin]

Well here’s the Akatsuki Suppression arc notes

I hope you enjoy it because I sure fucking didn’t.

Ugh, i'm going to have to endure a bunch of Shikamaru bullshit in this arc.

Kishimoto is gonna turn Yugito into fodder, isn't he?

Asuma looked so douchey when he was younger.

I'd also like to know how he's doing all this ninja shit when he's been smoking for like twenty years.

I will admit that the OP music is pretty dope. I really like listening to it.

Is Konohamaru's voice actor also Ino's voice actor?

Part 1 Tsunade > Part 2 Tsunade

How is angrily stamping a bunch of documents while not even looking through them supposed to be taking your work seriously?

So why is Tsunade a princess but Naruto and Asuma aren't princes?

We all know damn well that the reason Kishimoto made Tsunade so "incompetent" is because she was the only female Hokage and Kishimoto fucking hates letting his female characters be good at anything other than being pretty.

I fucking hate these old dudes.

So Jiraiya just ditched Naruto and Tsunade to go on recon and didn't even stay in contact? What the fuck?

Pretty sure Kishimoto just needed him out of the way, because if he was there then he would have solved most problems super easily and Naruto wouldn't have had enough chances to act like a fucking moron.

The fact that Kakashi and Tsunade are encouraging Naruto's obsession with Sasuke is honestly disgusting.

Fuck you, Kishimoto. Just fuck you, you piece of garbage. Why do you hate women that much? You didn't just beat Yugito, you had to fucking disrespect her like that too!? And if you wanted her to lose, then you shouldn't have made her so badass in the first place. Fuck you, you were so damn lazy that you couldn't even give an explanation for how she was beat either!? For fucks' sake Kishimoto, just fuck off. I'm sick of your shit.

If this series wasn't anything other than garbage than Yugito would have fucking demolished Kakuzu and Hidan.

I hate how the Akatsuki can barely stand each other. Making the villains hate each other is a cheap way of dehumanising them.

You'd think Naruto would be more buff after three years of training with Jiraiya.

So is every Akatsuki pair just gonna be two douchebags who do nothing but argue about minor ideological differences?

This monk is dope as hell! Can he be the main character?

For fuck's sake, now we have to deal with these douchebags beating another person who should fucking wreck them.

And of course, we're not gonna get an explanation for how they win again. Because Kishimoto is lazy and has no respect for his story, characters, or audience. And apparently no one told him about the whole "show, don't tell" rule.

Am I honestly supposed to believe that Naruto "there-are-no-shortcuts-on-the-road-to-Hokage" Uzumaki is asking Kakashi to give him another trick to speed up his training? Somewhere along the path, Kishimoto entirely forgot who the fuck and what the fuck he was writing.

How the hell are we back to Naruto wanting to catch up with Sasuke? Wasn't like the entirety of Part 1 devoted entirely to that? And maybe you would be in the same league as Sasuke if you actually fucking did something in the past three years, Naruto.

Yamato is me right before exams.

I fucking love Sai.

So why are Sakura and Sai just sitting around marveling at Naruto instead of training themselves? I mean seriously, Kakashi, Yamato, you guys know they are also members of Team 7 right?

Sakura, why are you being passive aggressive towards your fucking elementary school teacher? If there's a teacher you should be pissed at, it's Kakashi.

Tsunade's plan seems clumsy as hell.

Aren't Ino-Shika-Cho supposed to be one of the closest teams? Why the hell are Asuma and Shikamaru going out with Izumo and Kotetsu instead of Choji and Ino? Does Kishimoto really not give a fuck about them at all? Don't answer that, I already know.

Like I heard about how people got pissed that Kishi pushed aside Ino and Choji to focus on Shikamaru but this is something else, man.

Is Sakura's character ever going to not revolve around another man?

Naruto, not bothering to rest is the dumbest fucking thing you could do. You know what Sasuke was doing when you guys found him? He was asleep. RESTING! Then he whooped your asses. The key to success is rest.

I thought his signature jutsu was the Shadow Clone Jutsu and the Rasengan.

Why do I feel like I missed a bunch of shit in the filler arc before this?

Like, I don't know who this monk dude was, but I'm gonna assume him and Asuma were boyfriends.

That bounty comment is kinda fucked up, Asuma.

How long is this ramen bullshit gonna go on for?

I literally could not give fewer fucks about Hidan and Kakuzu.

The reason I actually liked Kisame and Itachi is because they actually got along, especially in comparison to Orochimaru and his cronies. But fuck, the rest of the Akatsuki are just a bunch of assholes.

How is a change in chakra nature supposed to make the Rasengan stronger? The Chidori is both a change in form and nature but the Rasengan was more powerful (at least in Part 1 before all of Kishimoto's shitty retcons).

So from what I heard about Team Minato, I still think it's bull that Kakashi even knows the Rasengan. I think it would have made more sense if Obito, the obvious Naruto parallel, was able to learn the Rasengan through hard work but Kakashi the apathetic genius couldn't get it as easily as he got everything else, so instead he created the Chidori, something he could get easier. But to be fair, knowing the Chidori and the Rasengan and wielding the Sharingan helps with the whole image of being likely the most versatile ninja in the world, especially since Kakashi really hasn't been living up to his hype.

Are you really going to teach Naruto to create a new Rasengan before he's even mastered the normal fucking version?

I don't really get how a Rasengan with a change in chakra nature is considered unachievable? I mean, that's basically the Chidori.

I'm calling bullshit, Kakashi. You don't actually think that Naruto could surpass the fourth Hokage. If you did, you wouldn't having fucking ignored him for all of Part 1 and then just let him be taken out of the village. The only one of your students you believed in was Sasuke.

Naruto used to be the guy that nobody believed in. The kid that had to do everything on his own because nobody around him thought he was worth helping. Everyone thought he was a hopeless case. And i'm not saying that we still need that. But now we can't even have a single arc pass without like three or four people fucking raving about how much they believe in Naruto. It's like, for fuck's sake Kishi, how could you go so far from the heart of your series? How could you stray so far in the opposite direction from what was working?

You don't actually think you're going to fight the Akatsuki do you, Ino? Kishimoto is just gonna make you get your ass handed to you and then have one of his faves swoop down to save the day.

Choji is a really good friend.

For fuck's sake, Kishi. You couldn't even let Choji use his own fucking words? You just had to have it be about how kewl Shikamaru is. Ugh.

They were fucking, Shikamaru. Their relationship was obviously romantic.

Kakuzu, I really don't think you're allowed to just carry corpses into public bathrooms like that.

If the Akatsuki are known as international terrorists, then how the hell are they able to just go around wherever they want in their very distinctive robes without anyone giving a damn?

When did the Akatsuki become such fucking gimmicks?

Still pisses me off that we have Izumo and Kotetsu here instead of Ino and Choji.

Asuma seems to be overreacting to Hidan and Kakuzu. They've barely even engaged and Asuma's already making them out to be invincible.

I don't understand why Kishimoto is having such difficulty making Hidan and Kakuzu actually seem threatening. He refused to let us see how they beat Yugito, he refused to let us see how they beat the monk, and now Asuma is fearful of them for no reason. Kishi really forgot about the whole "show, don't tell" rule.

I see Kishimoto hasn't fixed Shikamaru's problem of sitting still for an extended period of time to think of shitty strategies while his opponent just fucking stands around doing nothing but watching him for no goddamn reason.

I get that all these shogi metaphors are supposed to make Shikamaru look smart, but they just sound like nonsense. It really just makes Shikamaru seem delusional. The battlefield is not a shogi set and your comrades aren't pieces. If you can't understand the situation without an elaborate metaphor about a board game, then you are a ridiculously limited strategist.

These monk techniques are fucking dope.

Immortal jerk is the only insult you could come up with, Shikamaru?

Asuma's Burning Ash jutsu doesn't make any sense but I'll let it slide.

The new OP shows a bunch of the Konoha 12 but its all lies. Kishi doesn't even remember that they exist.

Hidan went all hammy insane villain. How shocking. I've never seen that before. What a unique character.

I want to die.

I can't take Hidan seriously because he sounds like Billy Crystal.

I want you to imagine every scene with Hidan in it, but replace him with Mike Wazowski.

So Shikamaru was only able to save him because Hidan spent too much time screaming useless bullshit?

Yeah, guys. Shikamaru is such a badass. Such a genius. Incredibly intelligent ninja. Doesn't rely on luck or ridiculously stupid villains at all.

I fucking hate you, Shikamaru.

Thanks for reminding me about Sasori dying, Shikamaru. Still fucking angry over that.

Why would Shikamaru even doubt that Deidara is dead? Is Shikamaru's so-called intelligence ever going to make any sense or at least not be bullshit?

These fucking shogi metaphors are just getting goddamn annoying.

Look if you need to fucking stop time for 10 fucking minutes just to have your character analyse the situation then they're not a very smart character. And it's bad pacing and you're wasting time.

Your character is also not impressive if you need to make one of their opponents stand watching with their thumb up their ass instead of actually doing something for no goddamn reason just so they stand a chance.

So are Izumo and Kotetsu going to fucking do anything?

So how many more people are we gonna have to listen to kiss Shikamaru's ass?

Actually, there's really only one person kissing his ass. And its Kishimoto, who will never miss a chance to insert himself into the story in order to yell at the audience "LOOK AT SHIKAMARU, ISN'T HE SO COOL!?"

I swear, Kakuzu and Hidan are such fucking idiots.

Stitching Hidan's neck back together isn't going to change the fact that his inner organs have been sliced open.

So that super well-animated fight in the OP isn't going to actually happen? It was just for the OP? Man, fuck that.

The only person we've seen use crows is Itachi, so why is he attacking one of his own? Well, besides the bullshit plot twist I know is coming.

So who's this dude with the glasses and how's he going all Aquaman with the crows?

Jfc this taijutsu is horrible, it's only ever worth a damn either in OPs or in the ultimate climactic fights that the studios are saving up all their money for. But even so, this taijutsu is fucking trash to look at. Same with the Team Gai clone fights.

Holy shit, its Pain.

Not the voice I was expecting for Pain.

Where is he though? That is some fucking scenery.

I know I've already said this, but I really hate how the Akatsuki just turned into a bunch of douchebags just waiting to kill each other for no goddamn reason.

Is Shikamaru really trying to make Ino and Choji be quiet and listen to Asuma right  after he fucking yelled at Asuma to shut up?

Did Asuma just take his last fucking moments to fatshame Choji?

Man, Asuma really is a fucking dick.

Asuma, shut the fuck up. Shikamaru would be the shittiest fucking Hokage possible.

Man, Asuma. You sure are taking a long time to fucking die.

Asuma, are you going to spend all your damn time fatshaming Choji? It's not like his weight is holding him back as a ninja, in fact it's his strength. Maybe he'd be the super strong shinobi you wanted him to be if you spent some actual time training him instead of fatshaming him and playing fucking board games with Shikamaru.

Thanks for reminding me about how Shikamaru was promoted to chunin first. Still fucking pissed about that.

Is it bad that I felt literally nothing during Asuma's death?

Still think it's fucking stupid that Naruto still needs shadow clones just to make a normal Rasengan.

So in theory, Naruto could make several shadow clones and then then have all of them go through his Nine-Tails Transformation? Dude, no one could stand against him if someone just trained him to control the Nine-Tails' power.

Still think this shadow clone cheat is fucking bullshit.

It fucking sucks that Kishimoto thought making Sakura more violent was somehow actual development. She used to be one of the more intelligent, calm, and rational members of the team. Now she just threatens to beat anyone who disagrees with her.

Pain has been monologuing for so long that he's lost my attention. I know that he's explaining his intentions but it's dragging on for so damn long that I don't even care anymore.

Nevermind, it all just amounts to world domination anyways. So not much to even care about.

So the Wind Style: Rasengan is just a Rasengan with air pressure? How exactly is this superior to the Giant Rasengan? Or superior to making Naruto's training over the timeskip not shitty?

What's with this stylistic change in the Kurenai scene? Felt like I stepped into a psychological thriller.

I feel like we've seen Konohamaru cry at too many funerals. Can someone just give this kid a break?

Why does this lady have an irish accent?

"I'll be here for you" he says as he walks away from his own son while he's crying in agony.

Man, Shikamaru is a dick, Shikaku is a dick. Is there a Nara that isn't a dick?

Why are these fucking shots of Shikamaru's face and hands better animated than the fight Asuma died in?

Okay, I know I've said this before, but using shogi as a device designed to represent Shikamaru's intelligence is ridiculous.

Also why does it feel like the animation and art style have changed?

So why is it okay for Shikamaru to define the meaning of his life by vengeance but everyone gives Sasuke shit for wanting revenge against Itachi?

How the fuck did Kakashi and Tsunade just know to be at that specific place at that specific time? Wouldn't it have made more sense if Tsunade had brought Kakashi along in case they refused to back down? Its just stupidly convenient that the both of them just happened to know that Team 10 would be there at that specific time.

And why the fuck is Kakashi willing to go on this mission!? He tied Sasuke down to a fucking tree just to give him a speech on the futility of revenge, but he's perfectly willing to let Shikamaru go after revenge, even willing to help him? That's fucking bullshit. And yet another instance of Kishi going out of his way to make things go well for Shikamaru, even when all sense would point to everything going wrong for him.

And why not just bring Naruto instead of Kakashi? It's been established that Naruto is closer to Shikamaru than he is to others and he just mastered a new powerful jutsu. Plus you don't have to mess up his character to bring him along the way you have to with Kakashi.

Better yet, why didn't Kishimoto choose Kurenai instead of Kakashi? (the answer to this question is: sexism) At least then it would make sense for her to want revenge. Plus Naruto could continue training with Kakashi and maybe Team 8 could come in as back-up instead of Team 7. Give them some fucking focus.

Also, once again, Tsunade's characterisation has fucking sucked in Part 2. She used to be a very enjoyable character, now she's just an asshole who runs around shouting at people, letting everyone do whatever the fuck they want, and going on about how she believes in Naruto. I'm also sick of how everyone disrespects her, nobody acted this way towards Sarutobi.

Man, Kakuzu fucking dragged Hidan in front of the entire Akatsuki.

Tbh, Hidan is a fucking joke.

Wait, Ino is a skinchanger!? So dope!

That thing with Kakuzu and the bird was dumb in so many ways.

Jesus christ, did Kakuzu and Hidan really fall for that shitty fucking trap.

Shikamaru's new jutsu didn't even make sense. Not to mention that it came out of nowhere with literally no forshadowing.

I can't believe that Kishi is making Kakuzu fucking go on about Shikamaru being a good tactician when that was literally the flimsiest fucking plan possible.

They are really gonna drag out the process of Hidan mirroring Shikamaru's movements, aren't they?

So is Kakuzu a human puppet too like Sasori?

So Choji can harden his hair now? Since when could he harden his body at all?

I don't like how apparently every element is weak or strong against another particular element. It should be about the skill of the ninja, not about whatever fucking element they have. Plus, it just feels like it was shoehorned in right at the end.

To think that for a second I thought we were done with Kakuzu. I got my hopes up, thinking we were almost done with these fools' bullshit but nope. Kishi loves to torture me.

Kakuzu's special attack: getting uglier than usual.

Did Kakuzu just summon a bunch of No Faces?

Or were they hollows?

How the hell is your mask still on after that wind attack, Kakashi!?

Kakuzu named his giant fire attack after a headache?

Did Hidan just scream out "Heeyaah!"?

I feel like the animation has suddenly gotten so much better.

Or maybe not better, just... more fluid?

FUCK YOU, SHIKAMARU! I WAS SO READY TO SEE CHOJI WHOOP HIDAN'S ASS!

So are Choji and Ino gonna be able to do anything?

Oh yay, Kishi ruined Choji's character.

Why are you like this, Kishimoto?

So did Choji just conveniently forget to bring his clan's food pills?

Hidan and Kakuzu suddenly went from zero to badass in like a millisecond.

How did Shikamaru even catch Hidan in that Shadow Possession? Every other time he needed to make the hand signs just to keep the jutsu up.

So I guess of all the Akatsuki we've seen so far, Kakuzu seems to be the strongest. Though it still feels like a bunch of bullshit pulled out right at the end.

And Hidan seems to be the weakest, outside of Zetsu and Tobi who we haven't seen in action yet.

Well this new animation style is much more appealing, only problem is a lack of facial consistency.

So Kakashi has mastered earth style, lightning style, and water style?

When the fuck did Shikamaru become the protagonist of this series?

Seeing Hidan so chill is honestly unsettling me. He looks like me after I've failed an exam. Motherfucker just looks dead inside.

I don't get it. Was Hidan's jutsu connected to Shikamaru or Kakuzu? And if it was connected to Shikamaru, why isn't he finally fucking dead!?

So if it was Kakuzu connected to the jutsu, then what was that bullshit with Shikamaru about "not being deep enough"?

This may be the only time Shikamaru has actually been smart, although I still hate the whole masterplan-that-we-had-no-idea-about-being-revealed-at-the-end trope. It occasionally works with villains, but not with heroes. The protagonists shouldn't be misleading their own audience and in most cases it just feels like an asspull.

Also, even if the concept of Shikamaru's plan was smart, the whole thing would have fallen apart if Kakashi hadn't coincidently, conveniently, and nonsensically been in the right place at the right time and agreed to go with them (I still don't fucking understand why he went with them). Their whole plan would have been fucked if Kakashi hadn't been there, which shows bad planning and a lack of foresight on Shikamaru's part.

There will never be anything in existence as bullshit as Shikamaru splashing Kakuzu's blood onto Hidan's fucking needle of a blade as he's about to fucking stab him. Except maybe the fact that Hidan apparently didn't fucking notice it despite the fact that Shikamaru did it right in front of him. Like, he didn't even try to hide it.

Ugh, Kishi, if you want me to believe that Shikamaru is a genius then stop pitting him against fucking morons.

Did Kakashi just judge Kakuzu for killing without remorse when Kakashi is a fucking ninja?

AGAIN! WHY THE HELL IS KAKASHI OKAY WITH SHIKAMARU TRYING TO GET REVENGE!? He's not just fine with it, he's supporting and enabling it! It's completely out of character. After all that bullshit with Sasuke and the futility of revenge, he's just gonna do all the work so Shikamaru can get his revenge? Why?

Because Shikamaru is Kishi's self-insert, that's why. Fucking hate this character.

Why is Kakuzu even dead? Shouldn't he have three more hearts?

Why the fuck didn't we get to see Choji use that Expansion Jutsu: Super Slam on Hidan!?

Oh ffs, why is Kishi so insistent on not letting Choji and Ino do anything at all

im just so sick of this

Well, Kakuzu's back. When will I be free from this bullshit!?

I'm not complaining but why do all the Akatsuki members paint their nails

Hidan's laugh is depressing.

Did you really need to name each of them, Ino? As if everyone can't see them. And why the fuck did you leave out Yamato?

Sakura, we both know the smartest person in the Land of Fire is named Shino Aburame.

Of course Kishi had to insert a fucking flashback just to kiss Shikamaru's ass.

Apparently Will of Fire means being a lazy ass now.

How inobservant can Hidan be.

How many asspulls is Shikamaru gonna get?

And Asuma's ghost just randomly fucking appears? Yeah, that makes sense.

Why does Naruto have the slitted pupils but still has blue irises?

Ugh, it seems like Naruto has adopted Shikamaru's style of combat. Do almost nothing while your enemy just fucking watches.

Ffs, just let Choji do something!

How the hell does Wind Style: Rasenshuriken befit the Nine-Tailed Fox, Kakuzu?

When I heard about the Rasenshuriken, I imagined Naruto changing the shape of the Rasengan, making it thinner but wider and spinning at speeds high enough to slash through things. I imagined it being his own unique creation, a long-range Rasengan that could be thrown. Which would allow him to cover his bases and make up for his weakness when at long distance. But nope, it's just the Rasengan but bigger. Which is redundant considering he already has the Giant Rasengan.

And of course, Naruto fucked up again. Can you do anything right?

Didn't Kakashi say he's already used the Chidori four times that day? Isn't that his limit? Shouldn't he be fucking dead!?

Even Choji notes that the Rasenshuriken is fucking stupid.

Seriously, what's up with Naruto's eyes?

Ffs, Naruto you can barely do anything at all but you're talking about surpassing the Fourth Hokage? Man, fuck off.

And once again, Naruto is putting his pride before the mission. And somehow this is supposed to be endearing. And for some stupid fucking reason, everyone's okay with it. And for some even fucking dumber reason, Kakuzu hasn't killed them all yet.

Why do these deer look like demons?

He isn't that good, Sai. The author just loves the taste of his ass.

I'd say that I hope Hidan gets out and destroys the whole village one day, but let's be honest, Hidan is such a dumbass he wouldn't be able to get anything done even if he did get out.

A long preparation time is supposed to be a disadvantage to an attack, usually added only to extremely powerful attacks. But in this dumbass series, that doesn't matter because your opponents will always just fucking sit there and watch you do your stupid fucking preparations instead of actually fighting you.

I think the animation went back to its old style.

If Kakuzu is so focused on Naruto, why doesn't Ino just take the opportunity and use her Mind Transfer Jutsu to take control over him? This whole thing could have been fucking solved 10 episodes ago if Kishi gave a damn about his side characters.

God, the Rasenshuriken is fucking ridiculous.

Is it just me or has Kakashi gotten hotter?

Naruto hasn't surpassed you in the fucking least, Kakashi.

This is the fucking fifth time Kakashi has used the Chidori today! How is he not fucking dead!?

Man, Kakashi can be a real savage when it comes to trash talk.

Why the fuck are we seeing Shikamaru interact with Kurenai but not with her own fucking team?

ugh why do i ask questions i already know the answer to

did shikamaru just like.. lay claim on Kurenai's baby? he didnt even fucking ask her or anything

jesus christ even the pieces are the same. just call the fucking game chess

i feel like shikamaru has gotten even more arrogant than he was before

so naruto's body can regenerate the incinerated flesh after entering the four-tailed form but he can't take some extra chakra and wind pressure? that makes a lot of fucking sense

....

i just wanna die

so apparently the rasenshuriken is basically the eight trigrams sixty four palms ghdvuybfdjgfjwkjfdjJUST FUCKING KILL ME

it doesnt even make sense!

thats not how fucking wind works!

and when the hell has naruto ever been precise!?

and why can't he just heal!?

why am i still watching this trash series?

who the fuck is this lady orochimaru wants and why should i even care

how the hell is the rasenshuriken gonna be a last resort when he can't fucking do anything else?

IM FINALLY FREE

IM DONE WITH THIS FUCKING ARC

I DONT HAVE TO KEEP WATCHING THIS FUCKING SERIES

IM FREE

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH