The Hazbin Graduate’s Guide to Homicide (3)
HAZBIN'S MIDSEMESTER STUDENT REPORT
Student: Vox Vanhal
Supervising Staff: Professor Enoch Leviathan
Sponsor: Not Applicable
To the Board:
Vox Vanhal may be one of the most brilliant students this school has seen in decades. In all my years of teaching at Hazbin, I have never met a student more insanely ready to learn and apply their skills- due in part, of course, to said student's own possible insanity. I mean this in a jovial way, of course, but I will admit that when young Vanhal's true identity was revealed to me that my first thought was along the lines of 'is this student insane?' Whether or not my student's reason should be called into question is something myself and my fellow professor Asmodeus have discussed in length, but there is one thing that we can definitively agree on: If there is any one student in this school who I would choose to place my bets on, it would be Vox Vanhal. There is nothing more to say at this time of report evaluation.
Sincerely, Professor Leviathan.
May God's blessings be with you now and at the hour of our deaths, Amen.
[ 1 ] / [ 2 ] (<- read these first for context and more murder academy radiostatic content!)
Though Alastor may have thought that Vox was much more knowledgable in how Hazbin's Institution for Homicide worked, the truth was, Vox was still fully flying on the seat of his own coattails.
He had no damn clue what he was doing still, and although it'd been two weeks since he'd arrived, part of him still felt like how he did when he'd first arrived: hesitant, scared, not knowing where to go or what to do besides the want to make his boss suffer as he killed him.
That level of animosity might sound strange to anyone not a Hazbin student or alumnus, but it was perfectly normal for any student enrolled in the academy to have such feelings. After all, there was quite a rigorous process involved in the application, and for Vox, this application process (and what led to it) was perhaps more intense than most.
There had once been a time where Vox had dreamed of becoming a Hollywood starlet, one who lit up the silver screen and was blessed by hundreds of thousands of cheering, dedicated fans who would fawn over his every move and action. He'd wanted to follow in his mother's footsteps, at one point. But after taking on his first roles in Carmine Studios, the glamour of Hollywood had shattered like fine glass.
"Miss Vesper! Would you please look over here for a second?"
"Miss Vesper, when is your next movie coming out?!"
"Miss Vesper, is it true that you and your co-star on Anna Karenina, Valentino Vega had an affair-?"
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! That- fucking bastard!" Vox rushed into the privacy of his and Val's shared apartment, slamming the door behind him as he collapsed into the couch, head cradled in his hands. He couldn't even begin to start detailing the number of ways he'd wanted to fucking butcher and rip apart his boss.
Andrealphus Goetia was no stranger to the spotlight, naturally. One of Hollywood's top directors, the man had been an influential cornerstone in the history of movie-making, a real legend to light the days. But behind that picturesque platinum reputation laid a monstrous piece of shit.
It had been a complete accident that Andrealphus had found out about Vox's identity.
Vox himself hadn't even really planned out what to do about himself at that point, only that he'd known that the dresses he wore on screen were far more suited to his best friend than they were for him. Knew that the copious amounts of makeup flattened on him everyday made him feel more like a clown than a princess, that it was the most uncomfortable feeling to have to sit and play the pretty face for the audience's sake.
But he persisted, telling himself, one more year, one more year til my savings account has enough to supply Val and I with a comfortable life and we can leave.
But of course- of course Andrealphus had to ruin it for him.
The man had found out and immediately proceeded to blackmailing Vox with the information, holding things such as promotions, media gossip and rumors over his head. And now... now... Vox stared down at the script he held clutched in his hand, his knuckles turning white as he grasped it with an iron grip.
"Dieser verdammte bastard," Vox muttered under his breath.
Though he'd never loved the spotlight that came with his first taste of fame, he had loved acting. Had loved being adored for his skill, applauded for the emotions that he could evoke in crowds of people and the way he could twist people's hearts. He had wanted to be one of the best, a household name.
And now, he stared down at the script for a movie that Andrealphus knew would tank his reputation. It was absolute bullshit. The plot was held together by thin strings and a bit of glue, despite being an adaptation of one of the past decade's best selling books. Not only that, but the moment he left the safety of the apartment once more, he would also have to contend with the rumors that were steadily piling against him and dragging his loved ones and friends into it too.
All this, because Vox had refused to sleep with his shitty boss.
He could still hear the fucker's voice- come on, don't you wanna say that you got a piece of me? I'll even leave out the part about you being a transvestite, darling, just the fact that I got a piece of you is enough.
God. If only.... if only he could see that bastard's face when he crushed his fucking skull in between his hands. He wanted to see Andrealphus' stupid face contort in revulsion and terror when Vox finally did the deed, wanted to bathe in the the fotze's inbred blood. He'd do anything for the chance to just kill that piece of shit-
"Amorcito?"
Val's voice makes Vox jump on the spot, quickly shifting to hide the script from view. His friend comes around the corner, eyebrows furrowed with concern, and it's this that makes Vox break his composure, a single tear falling down his face as Val frowns, taking a seat next to him on the couch. "Voxxy, amor... tell me what's wrong."
And because he can never keep his mouth shut when it comes to his best friend, Vox tells him everything. Val nods along, pauses at the right moments, all of that stuff that friends do when they're trying to let you know that they'd rip apart your shitty boss if not for the law.
But- and perhaps this is something that Vox knew deep down to be true anyway- Val was a bit different in that aspect. He'd met the man under... less than legal circumstances, after all, and he knew that Val was the heir to quite the illustrous cartel career.
So when Valentino stops him with a firm hand on the shoulder and hands him an application paper for Hazbin, telling him to think it through, Vox barely takes even a second glance at it before filling it out.
Now, two months later and sitting in the auditorium of Hazbin's famed Music Hall, Vox doesn't find himself regretting the decision. Sure, it's a bit lonely without Val's supporting presence by his side, but the students he's met so far have proved to be some of the friendliest people he's had the pleasure of knowing: ironic, considering the kind of school they're studying at. And he's even managed to make a friend! Not that bad a start, altogether.
Vox absentmindedly doodles on the edge of his notes as Professor Leviathan's soothing voice lectures them on the importance of a proper alibi. "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, but it has an airtight alibi, it is...?"
"Not a duck," the auditorium echoes back to the professor, who nods, looking satisfied with the class's response. "So, then! The first step to alibi making is...? Miss Velvette, perhaps you'd like to answer this one for us?"
The girl sitting beside Vox shoots up in her seat, looking as if she'd just fallen asleep and was awoken by the professor's question. "Uh... the..."
After a moment of silence and stuttering, Vox takes pity on the girl, sliding Velvette over a slide of paper that she squints at before reading. "Make sure you're in a different place from the crime?"
"And how would I do that?"
"I... uh. Use an accomplice...?" Velvette stutters.
Professor Leviathan shakes his head, looking disappointed. "Not quite. One thing you will have to learn at Hazbin's is that you should never rely on any other person to carry your deed out for you. No hiring accomplices- after all, paid personnel's loyalty is shaky and they have no honor code preventing them from taking you to the police- and absolutely no committing crimes as lovers, unless you can guarantee that neither of you will be snitching. Would anyone else like to take a try?"
Vox raises his hand hesitantly. "Move the crime scene or otherwise obscure the culprit?"
Professor Leviathan snaps his fingers, "Yes! Absolutely. One of the best ways to make yourself an iron clad alibi is, if the pope is shot in the church at midnight, make sure that you are seen halfway across town in the bar at midnight; so drunk that you cannot even leave until your wife comes to pick you up at two- and no one will suspect you, even if he was actually killed right outside the pub and moved to the church instead. By moving the crime scene, you can make yourself an ironclad alibi. Obscuring the identity of the perpetrator and making it someone who couldn't possibly be you also works splendidly. After all, if the police believe the murderer to be a six foot tall adult man, then the actual perpetrator, a four foot tall young woman, would be able to pass by completely unnoticed. Thank you for that input, Vox. Now, onto the actual creation of such an alibi..."
When class ends, Vox is the first to leave his seat and head for the door, intending on leaving and getting to Track with Professor Satan as quick as possible when someone stops him in his tracks with a firm grip on his shoulder.
"Hey. Vox Vanhal, right?"
"That would be me, yes," Vox turns to face the person he's talking to, only to be met with the young woman that Professor Leviathan had called out in class earlier. "You were... Velvette?"
"Yep, that's me," the chipper young woman responds. "Listen, I know you don't know me at all, but I really need to get through this school year. Like- look, okay, I'm in a little bit over my head right now. I still want to go here and do what everyone here does, of course, I'd love to just go and plunge a damn butcher's knife into my cunt of an ex-friend's neck, but... well, you saw how I did back in class- look, what I'm trying to get at is I need someone to help me. And you're like, Leviathan's star student. So- I don't care what I have to do, I'll-"
Vox holds up a hand to stop her.
"I don't need you to do anything for me, unless you've got any tips on how to kill my boss and make him suffer during it. But I'll help you with whatever you need to study during your courses. Just..." He pauses, taking a moment to think out what he's about to ask. "Could you teach me how you did your makeup on your own?"
Velvette blinks, clearly not expecting that response. She laughs, a shrill, sharp bark and grabs his hand to shake it firmly. "Yeah, 'course I can. So, do we have a deal?"
"We do," Vox smiles. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."
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saiki k headcannons (very very long post)
-kurumi + kuusuke have weird unnaturally sharp teeth that are lowkey scary if you look at them for too long. kusuo also has it but he hides it.
-if you think at kusuo, he can hear you no matter where you are. the psychickers (+ his family) know this and use it against him.
-kusuo is an unwilling empathy crier. if someone starts crying near him, he will at least start to tear up. he finds it an extreme inconvenience and does everything he can to hide it. this only really happens with people in his direct vicinity though, so no movie characters or random people in his telepathy radius.
-too many characters have similarly colored eyes, so here’s a lightning round with some eye color changes
akechi: periwinkle. it just makes sense to me ok?? a silly color for a silly goober. it grows on me more the more i think about it.
aren: dark magenta with a hint of red. i think it represents his personality better
toritsuka: dark grey. i like it and have no explanation for it. honorable mention goes to pink because it makes him match with saiki
also aiura has neon yellow eyes not green they are not green her eyes are not gre
-kusuo gets a pretty normal amount of sleep all things considered, in fact he probably gets maybe an hour or so more than average most nights because he just loves sleeping so much. kuusuke does not even go out of his way to get a bed for himself because the only sleep he gets is when he forgets to take his bi-hourly injection of whatever he’s using in place of caffeine and passes out on top of whatever he’s working on for ≈3 minutes before jolting himself awake and going back to work. if he really has to nap for whatever reason he claims the floor is plenty comfortable.
-kusuo has sedatephobia (fear of silence). while the peaceful tranquility of putting people’s thoughts on mute with the ring is nice, if he were to somehow be put into a situation with no noise at all or even just very little noise I think he’d be pretty freaked. he’s never had a truly quiet moment before, so it’s only a natural reaction to be uncomfortable with it. he would avidly deny it if asked though, even if he gets visibly anxious from it.
-kuusuke has never used bugs against kusuo directly because he thinks phobias are a cheap and uncreative tactic. the birthday card thing doesn’t count because that was only psychometry images.
-it’s not really a psychic power but all of the pk psychics have extremely strong intuitions. like they just Know things sometimes. this is basically canon for at least kusuo but that besides the point. the jury is still out on whether akechi also has the psixth sense or if he’s just weird but he is definitely on the same page as everyone else most of the time because of his near psychic analysis of his situation and surroundings
-kusuo can use transform on other people but it never comes up bc why would he do that when hypnosis is so much easier? something something genderbend episode
-kusuo had a very bad no good week like right before he got his limiters where his hair became uncuttable and he was forced to have a mullet until it culminated in kusuo willing himself into developing heat vision and cutting his hair with it to mixed results.
-each of the saiki’s think they’re the more normal one balancing out the rest of the family’s weirdness but no. all of you are weird there is no balance
-more of an opinion than a headcanon, but being average/“normal” was never really what saiki wanted. what he’s actually after is peace, and he just happens to associate those things with it. that’s why he changed the world to perceive his unusual attributes as normal when he was younger instead of changing himself to appear normal, what he truly wants is a world that he can be himself in and be at peace at the same time. the reason he refuses to admit this, even to himself, is because of his own lack of self-acceptance. you guys don’t understand he’s such an angsty and tragic character actually ! a poor little meow meow even ! listen to me !!
-kusuo and kuusuke NEED to have a “let’s take ibuprofen together” moment i will not be explaining further
-kuusuke works above board a lot, but he is definitely doing some “under the table” stuff when it comes to selling the shit he makes because he just does not care and wants money to fund his games. he is confident he will never get caught and even if he’s wrong kusuo is reversing that shit to avoid the trouble it would cause him.
-kuusuke does love robotics (specifically with making weapons but he does indulge in the gadget or two), and that is definitely his favorite to do stuff with and the thing he is most passionate about, but don’t be fooled, he does everything. any science under the sun and he is probably an expert on it. special mentions of things he knows a lot a lot about go to neuroscience, physics, biology, first aid/general medicine, pharmacology (technically canon because of that muscle relaxent from the cattank arc) and anything that you could realistically make a psi pun with.
-sometimes kuusuke randomly decides that a random ass guy is the person of the week he wants to piss off (to him it’s like being annoying to an animal, very amusing ^^). positive things about this: it’s normal a really bad person he decides to be a menace to like a rich guy or a corrupt politician. bad things about this: he has had to deal with hired hits on him before
-aiura can get a very accurate read on someone’s personality near instantly and has an encyclopedic knowledge on everyone. she knows your birthday and she knows what you want. teruhashi too but not because she’s psychic she’s just also weird.
-aiura has a very bad sleep schedule because she gets woken up in the middle of the night by visions of disaster. this is NOT THE SAME as kusuo’s visions !! kusuo is tormented in his sleep, she is kept awake. aiura also sometimes has visions of shit right before it happens and if it’s a bad thing she has to think quick on her feet to stop it.
-aiura does not stop helping people she just gets a little bit better at being discreet. eventually she goes freelance and owns her own shop for occult stuff good for her
ok that’s all i got for now. tune in whenever i decide to do this again for more bangers
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