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purplesurveys · 5 years

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-What was the last song that you sang out loud? I played a Destiny’s Child playlist when we were out for a bit earlier so I was most likely rapping along to Bug A Boo before we got home. -If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? I don’t think I can. I’d rather just not have my face directly on them when talking. -With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? Angela. She knows e v e r y t h i n g. -Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? My...phone? Haha. If I get anxious I need to watch videos to distract me. My phone has YouTube. Also bracelets that Gabie has given me over the years. -When are you likely to hide your emotions? When I’m with people that don’t really know about my anxiety. People I’m not close to, in general.

-Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? I think both are equally terrifying??? Both put the body in immense pain and it goes through a slow, agonizing shutdown and I don’t even want to think about experiencing other lol. -Who was the last person to take your breath away? MY GIRLFRIEND -When you turn on the TV, what channel do you flip to? Probably a movie channel but I legit have not watched television in yearssss. I watch everything on Netflix now. -Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? No. -What was the last comment someone made on your music taste? I don’t have much of a music taste so it’s not really something people tend to make comments on. -Where do you go/what do you do when you need to calm down? My room. Or to my best friends. -What was the last mess you cleaned up? I had a stack of readings and stationery scattered all over the dining table last night when I was studying, so I cleaned everything up before going to bed. -Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? Yes I had to talk to Toby because he made a series of disturbing tweets a couple of weeks ago. We aren’t close per se, but he’s an orgmate and therefore a friend, so I messaged him immediately. I’m happy it worked, cos he showed up to school the next day and gave me a bear hug. -When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? Work. -Who, in your opinion, has an amazing voice? Hannah sings a lot, and I really like it when she does because she sounds great. -Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? Of course.

-What is the last thing you complained about? I need a printer to print out my readings (I absolutely cannot study from an e-book) but ours has been broken for years and there’s no Internet/printing shop nearby. UGH I’m serious about complaining over not being able to study haha. -What was the last curse-word you said? Fuck. -When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I would never fake sick to my Asian mom. -How did you recover from your last bout of tears? I slept. As is always the most effective way to stop crying. -Do you still talk to your very first best friend? Yes. I talked to her last night. -When was the last time something went terribly wrong? Well a couple of weeks ago Gab and I had a huge, really serious fight that had just been unfixable–it was the kind of fight that you just had to wait. And the wait was torture. I was really scared then and I stayed in bed for what was probably 48 hours and ate like two times in that period. -How do you console someone when he or she is upset? I stay with them and listen to them if they have to let things out. -Have you ever seen either one of your parents cry? Just my mom. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw my dad cry. -Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? OUTER SPACE. I’d do anything to have a glimpse into my astronaut dream. -How often do you feel overwhelmed? 7 days a week. -How do you deal with everyday life? Get by. Aren’t we all forced to? -Do you have any secret obsessions or guilty pleasures? I don’t think so. I’m never guilty of whatever it is I’m obsessing at the moment haha. I am into serial killers, like reading and watching docus about them; and obviously I never announce it the world unless it comes up in conversation. -Aside from on this survey, what was the last thing you wrote about? I was writing down notes on my readings from my Southeast Asian history class. -Who in your family do you act like the most? I’m a mix of my mom and dad. I seriously can’t tell you who I act more like. There are certain phrases my mom says that I say, and certain intonations and mannerisms I got from my dad. -What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? I’m into intimate, more between-the-two-of-you kind of stuff, so I always appreciate it when Gab volunteers to drive my car if I ever drink a little bit too much for the night. She helps me get to bed and gets me some clothes to wear too, which is always sweet.

-When you go out to the mall, do people stare? Not me, but my girlfriend and I obviously will get stares from time to time for holding hands. -Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? No. -What just tears at your heartstrings? Videos of dogs reuniting with their owners, abused dogs getting saved and all groomed up, or dogs getting adopted. -Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? GAME OF THRONES -What was the last topic that you ranted about? The lack of a printer that I delved on several survey questions ago. -Is there someone that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Jane lol. She’s the president of our org and will easily get pissed the fuck off sometimes, and it never does my anxiety any good. -Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? Yes. We had this monster of a PE teacher in 2nd grade who would literally kick down doors if she gets angry and would yell at 8 year olds. How she ever got employed in the first place still baffles me. -Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? That’s a huuuuuge no-no in our school, so no. Plus I came from an all-girls’ Catholic school; it just wasn’t in anyone’s nature to pick a fight. -Have you written anything in a bathroom stall? What, if anything? No, I feel so iffy about vandalizing in public. -Is your school like the drama capital of the country? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You can say that, damn. -A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? I give them a little more and a snack if I had any. -When was the last time you visited a thrift store? I don’t remember. I don’t think I have? -Was there ever a time when you wished you'd never been born? Always. I didn’t even choose to be born lol. -Can you handle constructive criticism? Uhhhhhh only if it’s from someone I truly respect. Otherwise I can honestly be a big baby about criticism. -Who is the most sensitive person that you know? ME. Also one of my friends, Mils. -Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? Nope. -You can have one famous person's wardrobe; who do you choose, and why? Kate’s!!! She dresses so well and looks pretty in all of her outfits. -When was the last time you wrote someone a note? I think December? Aya was down in the dumps pretty bad so I dropped her a short message on Facebook to let her know that I’m always around for her. -Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? I ask permission. Duh. I’m Asian. -What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? Agatha’s birthday party. She’s a good friend, but I’m not friends with any of her friends and I just can’t relate with the college block we both belong to. I scheduled a date with Gabie’s dad on the same night because I didn’t want to go to the party. -On average, how many surveys do you fill out in one day? If I had a lot of time, I could fill out three. Nowadays it’s like once a day/a couple of times a week. -How many hours a day do you spend on Bzoink? I don’t stay on Bzoink; I just go on there to look for surveys. -Which season do you dread the most? I hate Philippine summers. -Do you ever brag about your achievements? Oh god never. I hate putting any attention on me. -If someone makes fun of you, are you able to laugh it off? Tbh no, I’m pretty sensitive and serious in that aspect. I mean I’d smile to be polite but will most likely be whispering something evil about them in my head hahahaha. -When was the last time that you watched the sun come up? Three years ago, in Sagada. -What did you do last Halloween? I think I went out with Gab that day, but it wasn’t to celebrate Halloween. -Last Thanksgiving? -Last Christmas - if you celebrate? I like how Christmas has the *if you celebrate* disclaimer but the North American-centric Thanksgiving doesn’t. Anyway, we had several family dinners and we ate and drank and caught up with one another. -How did you celebrate the arrival of the new year? Also saw some relatives and ate and drank and bonded with my cousins. -Is there a foreign culture you'd like to learn more about? I’d like to know more about all of them if I had the time and the chance. -Have you ever (purposely or accidentally) played with someone's heart? I possibly might’ve with Mike but I don’t want to be an ass and assume. -Has anyone ever played with yours? Sure, you can say that. -Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought "I could have done that?” Not famous, but expensive ones. The ones that are paint splatters hah. -Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real ... just once? LOL YES. I’m terrible for thinking that but yes. Mostly because everyone was such kids about it and never took the drills seriously. I secretly wanted a real one to happen just to see those people regret not being any more serious.

-What is the scariest thing about attending your school? Nothing’s scary about UP. If you’re scared to be in UP you can’t survive in it. -Are you a good judge of other people's intentions? Meh. I can tell sometimes. What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? I’m not so sure, it’s been a while. -Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? Girlfriend. -What is one insecurity you have about your body? Teeth. -What is one part of your body that you are proud of? My overall figure. -When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? Ages ago. I’m getting old myself and don’t want my music too loud lmfao. -When you don't know how to spell a word, do you look it up? Yes, of course. -Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? Nope. I hate making people wait. -Have you seen the movie Super Size Me? No. -Do you still eat at McDonald's, regardless of that film? I’d probably continue eating at any fast food establishment even if I watch a billion documentaries exposing them, being completely honest. -Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a different race? Sometimes. -Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? Of course. Except for one snowflake race out there, lol. -When was the last time you doubted your abilities? Now? -At your favorite restaurant, what do you order? I don’t pick favorite restaurants. -What was the last thing you wished for? A DAMN PRINTER. -How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? Too many. I’m perpetually impatient.

#survey #surveys

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hrhthefluff · 6 years

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Part 2 - Butterfly trapped in a cocoon

I’ve always been the kind of person who might not know what they want, they are determined to get it. After university I decided to get a job in science and I was looking for one for about six months. MY sleep pattern was all sorts of messed up, not having much to do during the day, and so often I stayed up quite late, deep diving head first into the internet. On the 3rd September 2013 I stumbled upon an app which quickly brought me together with a man who I thought would become my husband one day.

My significant other 2

Having learnt from my previous relationship I was very upfront with him, told him in what ways I’m messed up, I warned him about signs that are not good when coming from me and I was determined to avoid making the mistakes from my first relationship. I made sure I won’t be jealous of his other friendships early on by explicitly saying that he should really keep his life. This relationship felt different, more real, more significant. I felt strongly like I can trust his opinion, I felt different and there was a moment when I honestly felt like the chase was over, I have found the one I’d always be with. I romanticised the entire thing, I was very positive about it and I gave myself up completely. He was my top ten priorities, I didn’t care about myself, because I expected to be his priority and then it just equals out. Of course, now I’m aware that I’m talking about codependence here and that is many things but healthy. I was madly in love with him, I had incredible highs and the shittiest, darkest lows. But I loved him, I had so much faith in us, that I kept thinking that everything will magically just sort itself out. I believed in us more than anything. This relationship was pretty much my religion and I broke other friendships. I only ever looked up my friends when I had to moan about him, I stopped talking to my parents, I started accompanying him on all his advertures and I completely bent my life into a shape that would fit into his. I lost myself, I was uncomformtable, I blamed everything under the Sun, but my relationship. I didn’t want to see how wrong we were for each other. I loved him with so much passion and I fought with him with just as much. There was a lot of drama for so many years and somehow I kept believing that this would all be fixed one day. Then we stopped having sex, I got more insecure, we got a dog and he didn’t seem like he cared for the poor thing very much and I saw more and more wrong with us. I was under a lot of pressure to be miss fucking sunshine at work, and then around his parents, and it was too much to deal with. I still didn’t want to see that all that bitterness is oozing from the cracks of our misaligned relationship. Then one day I broke down, I couldn’t take it any longer, I popped the sore, opened the wound a millions of maggots came rushing for fresh air. We aren’t good for each other. Allowing myself to see this has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to face. I’m not over it, I don’t know when I will be, but I’m grateful for this relationship.

I learnt so much about myself, about what matters to me, about my love language, about being independent in a relationship and how very important that actually is. Every relationship is different, I don’t know what’s next for me. I wouldn’t even exclude the possibility that there isn’t anything for me in the cards from here. I still think he was the one, it just didn’t work out. I’m a dreamer, a romantic and an idealist. I started to build my relationship with my family again, I now understand why my best friend is with the man she chose to be with, which before I didn’t and I feel silly for that now. I now appreciate the people and opportunities in my life and I’m grateful for the love and support I get from people.

I’m in a lot of emotional pain now, I don’t know when I’ll be able to close the door on this, but I’m very glad this happened because I learnt a huge amount about myself and love.

#relationship #psychology #love #evolution #threeloves #theory #Everything #development #butterfly

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nautiscarader · 6 years

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Kim Possible season 3 recap

And here is part 3 of my KP marathon notes. Obligatory thanks to @fereality-indy for encouraging me to watch this awesome show.

So, what will happen this this time? Will Kim Possible save another kitten from a tree? Will Ron discover something better than nachos? Will Doctor Drakken release the Krakken? Will Shego puncture her ego? Will Lord Monkeyfist buy Club Banana just because he is bonkers? Will Duff Killigan finally score?

So, let’s see what’s the first big problem KP has to deal with!

Kim being alone on a Friday evening. Okay.

Also, amusingly, everyone is doing something on a Friday evening, including the villians.

Motorhead turns out to be Drakken’s cousin. okay.

And people know the address of Draken’s lair bc of mailing list

See, it’s the little touches like those that make this show a very accurate portrayal of superheroes and villians.

KP gets jealous of Ron’s friend in wheelchair because they spend too much time together playing video games, so she has to find a way to “fit in”.

Okay, so they can approach it in a sensible and subtle, or so-cringe-worthy-and-painful-the-skip-button-presses-itself way.

So, which did they choose?

painful it is

Few stupid scenes later, Draken STEALs THE WHEELCHAIR FROM A DISABLED KID

shego: what’s next, stealing lolipop from a baby?

and there is a brilliant running joke about it

is it ableist to say that a joke about disabled person is “running”? Well, this is tumblr you gotta be carfeul

Anyway, turns out that Drakken and Jake the Dog make an actual competent combo, even though they end up in prison. And momma Lipski is still clueless about her son’s profession

Next ep: KIM CHANGED HER HAIR! and she looks cute

Ron is a pickle, but that’s normal

Draken and shego steal moodulators (get it?) from random scientist #464

Shego: if you are so smart why do you always steal instead of inventing things yourself

Draken: it’s called outsourcing, shego

God d amit, that is a smart show.

And of course moodultaors accidentally fall on KP and SHego, so they act random throughout the day. And boy it is weird when it’s set to loveskick

Shego: steals lolipop from a baby for Drakken because she luvs him

KP turns into a proper stalker mode for her Ronnie

And Monique is completely fine with it.

and then kim KISSED him!!!

OMG NOSEBLEED

And then poor Ron has no idea what to do with dating KP so suddenly, and the whole scene where he debates what to do is absolute gold with a punchline that defies expectations.

Draken and Shego go on a date and boy it is weird. SHE CATWALKS TO HIM

I can already see Disney censors thinking when it’s going to be too much for The Mouse

and kim’s dad threatens to send ron to a black hole when he takes her on a date

Also the random professor wants to sell his no-longer-existent moodulaTors on auction and he thinks about blaming it on the mail. You know, i’ve seen some approaches how to handle a world where superheroes/villians/geniuses live in our society (like in BNHA, for example), but KP so far makes it the best approach, because it makes them so relatable.

And boy the finale is satisfying because everything completely backfires

Shego and KP got stuck in an anGry mode, and chase their boys. Ron tries to hide in the same place as drakken

Drakken: Dibs!

Ron: Double dibs!

Drakken: all right, you won with your superior dib-calling (ACTUAL QUOTE)

And the day is saved thanks to the power of friendship and not that Kp and ron are definitely in love with each other

KP, Ron, Drakken and Shego somehow manage to get into Tv, where they visit parodies of famous shows

Honestly, meh. I remember a similar episode of Teen Titans, that one was funny as heck.

and then we find out who’s the real villian of the middleton high: THE SCARY LIBRARIAN!

And turns out Ron accidentally put a book Kim rented in his backpack, causing her to get into trouble doing library duties.

So he goes on a mission to revisit all of the bad guys they fought to see where he might have left it

Okay: calling it now, it’s still in his backpack

Shego: Where’s Possible?

Ron: She’s not my girlfriend!

Shego: Never said she was.

And Ron accidentally saves the world on that book hunt

Lord Monkey:Ron Stoppable!

Ron: You’re the only one, who remembers my name, I respect that

Okay, so Wade can make stuff invisible. Like, how?

And there we go: the book it was in his backpack all the time.

Oh, and Ron takes a book from Lord Monkeymonkey contaning a spirit of a monkey demon.

And he returns to the library, saving Kim from being bored to death by retunring the book.

GUESS WHICH ONE HE RETURNED.

Oh, it was another half-episode. Weird.

And the next one is about giant bugs. Interesting how Kim tells Ron not to be afraid of bugs, and next moment she’s all squirmish while Ron befriends a giant roach and calls him Roachie.

KP: Ron, did you start working on the project? it was supposed to be autobiographical

ron: No, I’m waiting for it to write itself.

WE MIGHT GET RUFUS’ BACKSTORY!

Oh, and Drakken tried to take over the world with shampoo. Honestly, it’s funny as heck

he tries smarty mart to sell it

he even makes loreal-style ad, but it doesn’t sell

so he tries product placement in a hip hop song, and the artists is like “Aw, hell no”

And then

and then

turns out that Shego and Drakken are having karaoke night every friday.

God dammit, i don’t know why but that is beyond funny

and turns out that Drakken can sing.

and shego points out that he could sing about the shampoo

so he goes to an american idol

And I think I realise what really makes it funny: Kp is barely in this episode, helping ron with homework. No evil-doing is actually done, we only get to see, for the most part what goes behind the scenes of an evil plan that is so insanely and unnecessary convoluted it is beyond belief.

OH, AND kp GETS TO RIVAL HIM ON STAGE, OF COURSE.

people hypnotised by the shampoo so far: one (1) random henchman

one (1) old TV producer in a sauna

one (1) Simon Cowell

And...holy shit, his song is actually good.

And instead of KP, who is busy fighting the mean lean green machine, Ron sings about Rufus. The song is titled “Naked Mole Rap”. And it is FREAKING PHENOMENAL.

Oh, add one (1) Shego to the list.

Okay, so far that is the most crazy episode. Like, seriously, the quality was through the roof.

SCRATCH THAT NEXT EP is EVEN WEIRDER

So, the Team Impossible, which we have learned about in the movie, is angry at KP for saving the world for free, whereas they actually charge people for it.

And they try to cut Kim from all of her world-traveling assets and knock her out of competition.

THAT IS FUCKING V ILE

And they hack Wade

AND TURNS OUT YOU DON’T FUCK WITH WADE

YOU DON’T CUT THEIR INTERNET CABLES OF A NERD

SINCE THIS IS ONE WAY TO MAKE AN OBESE SUPER GENIOUS WALK OUT OF THEIR ROOM

AND HE LOOKS SO FREAKING BAD-ASS WHEN HE STORMS INTO THEIR HEADQUATERS

aaand TI is defeated the same way they would have been defeated had they answered the call.

Pretty funny, and it does go into the details of how on Earth superheroes work in this world.

And we have another episode about the secret ninja high school Ron was sent to

And Yori travels to US for Ron

And Kim is super jelaus

Wade: Kim, you are jelly

Kim: So not

Monique: You are jelly

Kim: So not

Kim: *is jelly*

So she pretty much stalks Ron all the way to the school, and nearly fails the mission of trying to save the levitating magical jedi principal. Seriously, he’s OP as fuck.

And he’s escaping from a huge monkey. turns out it’s crazy dna lady who turned herself into monkey for Lord Britishmonkey.

Next episode is bascially one huge satire on the movie industry, down to the title (”and The mole rat will be CGI”). KIm and Ron accidentally crash a movie set, after Senior Senior Junior crashes it first since he accidentally applied for a role of a henchman in said movie.

It was supposed to be set in Britian, but the movie set was in New Zealand, since “it was cheaper”

And I was like

Is that a “Lord of The rings” joke? Someone tell me if I’m right.

Oh, and we have another long episode WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE IS ANOTHER MOVIE?

And it looks like it’s a three-part episode again, I wonder if the formula’s gonna work again.

The beginning feels like a short promo scene for people who might not know what KP is about, and I’m not gonna lie, this sums it up perfectly. Action, drama, explosions, more drama, goofy ron, naked mole rat kicking ass and more drama. By the way, what;s the title?

I guess the intro is an homage to the James Bond ones, with lots of colourful, surreal visuals floating in the background to the soothing, slow music. Love it, too bad it’s short, but again, it had to fit an episode’s running time.

wait so the Nakasumi president CAN speak English? Even the movie calls him wacky for whispering all the time as if he couldn’t.

Okay, now the movie just fucks with us.

mr and mrs possible almost switch their cloaks with important documents, but she switches them back just at the last moment

mr posible ALMOST deletes his work file worth three billion dollars but undos it at the last moment.

it’s like the plot TRIES to start itself

And I bet the key is under the doormat

So the dating drama IS going to be the theme of the movie, huh.

Wade: Drakken has been spotted in the Bermuda triangle

Bermuda triangle: *turns out to be a hotel*

And Ron just happened to have his suit under the scuba diving gear.

Shego proves to be once again, way more competent than Drakken.

and we have obligatory fight between two kickass ladies in dresses and high heels. This IS a James Bond movie.

So, the prom drama continues, and it is sadly kinda goes into the cringe territory, with some new dude falling in love with Kim and Kim falling for him, Ron feeling sad, they both being conflicted, yep, seen it.

But for once Drakken helps the cause and moves the plot forward, stealing some super project from dr Possible.

he deletes the file like he did in the opening, but GASP drakken has some mind reading machine

I do wonder if the coat switcheroo is going to be part of the plot.

Holy shit

Drakken’s plan is so crazy that it actually makes sense. Take over the buneo nachos and put kiddy meals in it with robot toys that take over the world. And neither kim nor Shego could have forseen it.

And more prom drama. Ugh.

I always like when Possible family work together to stop the evil-doers.

So Drakken’s plan was brilliant, minus the part when the entire army of robots shuts down when the signal goes off-line. Kinda a major fuck-up.

And they kindapped Kim’s boyfriend to lure her.

OH, SO HE WAS A SYNTH ROBOT

I genuinely didn’t see that coming.

Drakken learns Ron’s name, yeah! And it’s shot like Drakken’s yelling a curse to the skies, love it.

Also, HOLY SHIT, Kim kicks Shego into the tower so hard it looks like she was about to kill her. Like, that was genuinely chilling moment, especially with an ominous, lightning-filled close-up onto her later.

Spoiler: she didn’t die.

Okay, colour me confused: I didn’t think that Kim and Ron were going to kiss and start dating now, I thought this movie was going to be one huge prequel to a movie by the end of S4. Or more precisely, it feels weird NOW, knowing that there is a whole season ahead of me. Cos that felt like a pretty good end of a series, something akin to the Last Airbender one, so I’m slightly concerned how it’s going to be played into season 4, cos this can go haywire pretty easily.

Uh, not going to lie, I’ve got mixed feelings about the movie. On one hand, it gave us a proper evil plan from Drakken, one that attacks Kim psychologically, showing that for once, he DID his homework and actually studied Kim’s behaviour. On the other, the prom/dating drama is kinda painful to watch, but fortunately gets resolved in the end. Maybe it’s just me, but I had the same expression as Rufus when he and Ron said that guys don’t talk about feelings. It felt kinda clumsy and not subtle at all, and what’s worse, the show itself did way better job of portraying romance in previous episodes, most notably the moodulator one. But as I said, those last few scenes with Ron and Kim fighting together does make up for it.

also, Rufus once again is the unspoken hero. He did so freaking much, including, but not limited to: saving ron from the tentacle monster, freeing kim and ron, defeating the synth boyfriend, pushing Kim and Ron together... He really is a badass.

So, not a bad one, though I preferred the first movie. Also, on the whole Season 3 was significantly shorter than second. Wonder what’s gonna happen in the next season.

#kim possible

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sending-the-message · 7 years

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Matchmaker by Ilunibi

After the events with Miranda the RA and her uncontrolled summoning of one of the most powerful Earls of Hell, I won’t lie and say I didn’t have my suspicions about Cereal Girl. She was always just there, always in the right place at the right time, conveniently a witness for every threat Miranda threw at me and each exchange I left pinned back on her door. A sliver of me was convinced that she was the real culprit, framing Miranda to throw me off of her trail and delighting in my misguided attempts to stop her.

Cereal Girl, however, turned out to just be an insomniac, 4/20 enthusiast named Erika Dolores Ellison.

Or “Eddie,” if you will.

She was half my size and stayed camped in the hall’s kitchen, an omnipresent fridge goblin who spent every waking moment functionally baked and cramming food into her mouth. She had a girlfriend attending an art institute in Georgia, came from an affluent family who she figured would be in debt by the end of her already faltering college career, and was accidentally the eyes and ears of our floor. Which, honestly, suited her fine. Freshmen girls were petty, their drama was hilarious, and she couldn’t help but be amused by the weird, metaphysical battle between me and Miranda.

Both of us were still floundering freshmen who never quite pulled out of that awkward loner phase, struggling to make friends we connected with or finding a place where we belonged. Most people avoided her like the plague because she had no filter or shame, just like people avoided me because I’m awkward and unintentionally abrasive. She watched my back when I was out of the building, and I taught her small little tricks here and there that she couldn’t possibly fuck up while high. She even got in good with Dead Coyote, to the point he started selling her some of his weed when she ran out.

My one point of contention with Eddie, though, was that she was a bit more, well, libidinous than I was. Not that I’m a prude--I grew up with Dead Coyote, and he had a library of sex magic notes that I accidentally found when I was ten--but she had a weird obsession with my lack of an active love life. After glancing across a few things about the left-hand path on the internet, she became absolutely convinced that I must be doing something wrong because “evil” spells were powered by the sheer power of dicks. After a week or two of convincing her that hypersexuality really didn’t have anything to do with petitioning demons, she decided it was still a national tragedy that I was a single virgin and made it her solemn mission to hook me up with anyone that had two legs and functioning reproductive organs.

The pool she drew from was shallow. Being an outcast on campus, she basically would invite me out to “parties” with “friends” she made off of school grounds, each and every one of them hauntingly similar to Dead Coyote’s old customers. I could tell that she was a bit annoyed that I’d escort myself out before taking one of her potential Cassanovas to bed, but honestly? They reminded me too much of bad times and I’m a woman with actual standards.

Thankfully, she seemed to have gotten over it by the time spring break rolled around. I’d not heard a crack about needing somebody to keep me warm at night since winter ended, and she hadn’t invited me out to one of her white trash hookah parties in over a month. Most of our conversations usually revolved around what JRPG she had been playing that week, what weird shit I’d experienced over the previous days, and how much we mutually hated our required Gen Eds. Getting me laid seemed to be the last thing on her mind and I was one hundred percent okay with the fact she’d given up since it wasn’t a huge priority for me anyway.

The day that break started, she stood with me outside as I loaded my bags into Dead Coyote’s trunk, asking a thousand questions about why it was him and not my mother that came to pick me up. I didn’t know how to tell a girl who grew up in an actual, functional family that Dead Coyote had practically raised me so I didn’t have to raise myself, so I shrugged it off and told her that we were just really close. There was a knowing spark in her eye, the corner of her mouth curling up in a saucy smile as she tossed a handful of M&Ms into her mouth.

“‘Close.’ Yeah. I get’cha.”

A part of me was offended and wanted to say something. That part of me shut up when Dead Coyote slammed the trunk shut.

“Oh, yeah, Eddie. Didn’t you know? Me and Seymour’re secretly married on the astral plane or some shit.”

“You can do that?” she asked incredulously.

“Fuck no.”

She took being shut down in better stride than most eighteen-year-old girls, nearly choking on candy and snorting a laugh as she hugged me goodbye and told me to give her a call if I needed anything. She didn’t plan on going back home because she liked her independence too much and had one more disc left of Final Fantasy VII before she was finally done, and that game had become a personal quest. Besides, she couldn’t get away with being stoned all the time if she spent the week with her parents.

It felt nice to be back at Dead Coyote’s apartment an hour later, throwing my bags on his living room floor and collapsing on the couch that had been my bed for four years.

For the first couple of days of my spring break, things went pretty swimmingly, as though there had never been a gap in the time that I lived on that sofa. There were trashy talk shows aplenty, gossip on every street corner, and frozen gas station pizzas stacked to the top of an otherwise bare kitchen freezer. Dead Coyote confessed, rather bashfully, that he’d been trying to work with essential oils because he found out the scent of lavender snapped him out of some lesser jitters. He offered me my first beer, and after I downed four of them we mutually decided that essential oils were for pussies and he was getting soft in his old age.

Day three was when things started to get weird.

It began with dreams, weird and slimy dreams that slithered through my mind like serpents and left me awake in a cold sweat, my stomach twisted, and my thighs pressed so tightly together that I’d have made a good mermaid. Sex dreams, wild ones, but wild in a way that was terrifying and scarring. A wet, coppery tongue against my neck, and I could wake up and still smell it in the air. Something rough and cold running down my back, claws digging into my hips, sensations I could feel when I’d snap out of it. The heat was awful, not a warm and sensual heat, but like sticking your face in front of an open oven door.

The first night, I ignored it. You see, occultist or not, I’m always hesitant to blame things on paranormal sources because a lot of the time, your world and your own brain can be ten times more unpredictable and strange. My eyes snapped open on the couch and I sat there, shaking in the dark, until I remembered how stressed out and pissed off Eddie had made me over the course of the semester with her constant attempts to hook me up. I told myself it was probably a combination of being a new drinker and having lingering frustrations about that whole mess. I forced myself back to sleep.

The second night was more intense. No licking, no claws, but I was nine years old and laying on the ground in the alley by Dead Coyote’s apartment, watching a blurry stranger with a knife talk about how tight he thought I’d be. I instantly recognized it as the same goddamn scene with Joseph Shepherd, but when my vision steadied and I looked up to see who was kneeling in front of me, Dead Coyote grinned back at me with eyes like obsidian stone. His teeth weren’t human. It was like somebody took the teeth of a dog and crammed them in a person’s mouth.

I woke up screaming. Loud, baleful howling that I couldn’t even stifle with my pillow. Dead Coyote--real and in the flesh--actually fell down the steps tripping over himself to get to me, though the adrenaline pulsing through me told me to get away from him as fast as possible. I was locked in the bathroom when a concerned neighbor came over to ask what the problem was, Dead Coyote awkwardly trying to convince him that, no, he hadn’t killed anyone and, no, he actually had no idea what was going on either.

When he finally coaxed me out from underneath the sink, I felt nothing but awkward shame explaining my nightmares to him. He didn’t seem scandalized more than concerned, and we spent a good twenty minutes playing armchair psychiatrist while I sniffled into my blanket. He figured it was a mixture of alcohol and hormones. He also conceded that he had no idea what he was talking about, but it made sense logically. Probably. If you squint.

“Either way, princess, if you want, you can sleep up in my room,” he offered with a tired shrug. “Maybe that’ll help.”

So, I followed him upstairs. I knew the offer was just because he was exhausted and didn’t want to deal with me crying anymore, but the idea of having somebody nearby made me feel safe. I curled up on his mattress on the floor, back-to-back with him, swearing up and down that if alcohol was the culprit that I’d just not drink anything the following day. That had to fix the problem, right? I dozed off with wet eyes and a renewed resolve, and I kept to my promise.

I didn’t drink.

But Dead Coyote did, and the more he drank, the more I realized that something was off about the way he was behaving. Mid-conversation, he’d stop and stare, almost like there was something strange or different about me and he couldn’t figure out what it was. Occasionally, if he thought I was distracted, I’d catch him gawking at me like a slack-jawed frat boy at a strip club, but the expression on his face was odd. There was a light on in the attic, a conscious effort he was trying to make not to do what he was doing, but whatever had a hold of him wasn’t going to let him turn away. I was convinced it was because of the fact he’d been downing vodka like a Russian warlord, but after the fifth or sixth time he caught himself, he grabbed a pen, opened his hand, and practically carved a banishing sigil into his palm.

When I asked if he was okay, he flatly told me I’d be sleeping in his room the rest of my stay. When I asked why, he told me he didn’t have a clear answer for me, but he was going to figure it out.

He was the one who didn’t sleep through the night that evening. I was out like a light when I heard him growling profanity just behind my head and felt him sit up and climb off the bed. I listened as he paced and mumbled to himself, as he walked downstairs to get a glass of water. He wandered around the living room a bit, then meandered back upstairs and disappeared in the bathroom. I heard pills rattling around in a bottle and secretly prayed they were legal before he finally laid back down and struggled to go to sleep. His twisting and turning and cussing kept us both awake.

“A bad dream,” he told me the next morning. He paused for a moment, considered his words, then added, “Same dreams you were having. Sort of.”

“Sort of?” I echoed. He ignored me.

“That shit ain’t normal. That shit ain’t natural. Princess, it was like somethin’ was fuckin’ my soul. Or like somethin’ that ain’t got a clue what fuckin’ is was trying to fuck my soul. Bullshit. Pure fuckin’ bullshit.”

He decided that it had to be his fault, somehow, and that maybe he had messed up a ritual and invited something in by accident. With an exhausted sigh, he had me go get his holy water from beneath the kitchen sink and went to dig his leftover sage out of his closet. Our morning was spent cranking the radio up as loud as it could go to keep ourselves awake, smudging every corner, crevasse, and crack in his apartment, and then collapsing on the couch to eat cold fridge pizza and watch Maury. Dead Coyote ended up on my shoulder, asleep and drooling on my hair by the time the show’s host got to the first paternity test result.

No offense to Dead Coyote, but he’s capable of slobbering like his namesake and his spit had the distinct odor of garlic, Listerine, and death. I let him get in a nap, albeit begrudgingly, but the second I could shake him awake without feeling like the world’s biggest bitch, I nudged him off of me and excused myself to take a shower. Hair clung to the side of my neck. I grimaced and hoped there was enough shampoo in the apartment for the both of us.

Now, are you one of those people who gets scared there may be somebody behind the shower curtain while you’re bathing? Like, maybe you’ve seen Psycho one too many times and now you feel the need to check every three seconds to make sure a serial killer isn’t creeping up on you? I used to not be like that because I used to think I wasn’t a coward, but after we cleansed the apartment and I was in the process of cleansing myself, I kept getting this sinking feeling in my stomach like I was being watched. That slight, weird pressure that makes the back of your neck tingle like when somebody is standing directly behind you.

But it was coming from everywhere, and it didn’t stay slight. My face dropped when I realized I could physically feel something beating down on me like the air had become ten times heavier, that I could taste something sour whenever I inhaled, that my brain could pick up on a force, a personality that I couldn’t see. The shower was hot, but the bathroom grew hotter, and my mind raced back to when I was thirteen years old and I fucked up summoning Marchosias. When I opened my eyes when I shouldn’t have.

I peeked out of the shower.

Dead Coyote greeted me. Except not. I knew those eyes and that incorrect smile. I had seen it in my dreams and in that summoning circle all those years ago, and there he was: Not-Coyote, just standing there. Grinning. Strangely enough, he wasn’t very threatening, but he seemed to be enjoying the fact that I was paler than normal and about to piss myself.

I yanked the shower curtain down and nearly brained myself scrambling for the door. I felt something rough drag across my side as Not-Coyote reached out to touch me as I flew, naked and screaming, down the stairs. I had no time for shame or dignity or anything, only enough time to glance up the stairs when I hit the bottom and see Not-Coyote tilt its head and calmly walk from the top of the stairs to Dead Coyote’s bedroom.

Dead Coyote himself, having dozed off again, sat up like Frankenstein’s monster when I hit the bottom landing. He stared at me, nude and dripping with shampoo still in my hair, his brows knitted together in confusion. For a good, long minute he was absolutely silent, stuck in between being puzzled and mortified. When I had yelled myself hoarse and the same good samaritan neighbor from before was banging on the door and threatening to call the police, he finally found his voice.

“Uh, princess? You, uh, you forget what pants were for a minute or, like, is this some kind of weird white girl mating ritual I’m not aware of?”

I ignored him, instead pointing up the stairs and screeching at the top of my lungs, “Glasyalabolas!”

After I was walked back up the stairs to rinse my hair and dress myself (because I sure as hell was not going up there alone), and after Dead Coyote spent thirty minutes trying to convince the police that this wasn’t a case of domestic abuse, we sat outside on the stoop of his apartment staring at cars because I didn’t want to be inside. I hadn’t really realized just how scarred I was from my first tryst with Glasyalabolas until that moment, that very brief moment where I fucked up envisioning his polar opposite and brought forth a monster that got a kick out of stealing Dead Coyote’s face. The dreams couldn’t have been helping, either, with the alley scene replaying over and over and over in my head like a fucking movie trailer.

“Didn’t Miranda threaten you with Glasyalabolas twice?” Dead Coyote asked dryly, practically inhaling his cigarette. I didn’t look at him, instead looking at the neighbor who called the police, watching me from the sidewalk as he dragged his garbage to the curb. He still looked suspicious and I was absolutely humiliated. I thought back to my first, disastrous summoning and how I’d felt so much safer just physically feeling Dead Coyote’s presence in the circle. Like a little girl, I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“She did,” I finally answered. My voice was still cracked.

“I seem to remember tellin’ that bitch I’d end her if she fucked with you, yeah? And she ain’t just fucked with you. She messed with me. Ain’t sure which one I’m more mad about.”

He exhaled smoke out of his nose and made a growling sound in his throat.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve ruined someone, princess.”

We barely discussed a plan. I waited outside, clutching a beer in my hand while he went through my belongings to check for any sort of talisman that could have been hidden in my things. When nothing turned up, he quietly walked back out, locked his door, and escorted me to his car.

The car ride was silent. He didn’t even turn the radio on. I stared blankly out the window, angry and embarrassed. How many times had I done rituals and how many times had I called upon spirits and how many times had I proved myself useless in the face of anything more powerful than a disembodied spirit? I couldn’t help with Furfur, I nearly killed a kid with a raccoon bone in sixth grade, and now I was trembling and shaken over a demon I’d actually encountered before. Even though I tried to convince myself it was a reasonable response to the patron demon of murder, I couldn’t help but compared myself to Dead Coyote.

He fought Furfur. He was going to go fight a girl who summoned Glasyalabolas. The man knew no fear. I desperately wanted him to be proud of me, but I felt like trash.

Also, he’d seen me naked, and that shame made it hard to make eye contact with him.

The parking lot in front of the dorm building was mostly empty, save for Eddie’s car and a couple of others. He practically pulled right up to the door and barely waited for the car to stop rolling before he jumped out of his seat. I quickly reached over to throw the car in park and turn it off, tucking the keys in my pocket as I tailed him inside. The lobby was a ghost town, the RA office predictably empty and ninety percent of the denizens having fled the campus for greener pastures. Dead Coyote’s footsteps echoed through the nothing as he stomped up the steps to get to my floor.

He punched in the security code. He entered the dorm hallway. I huddled down as I glanced at the cameras hoping that campus security or a hiding RA wouldn’t come running him down to try to pick a fight because, with Dead Coyote on his warpath, I knew it would end with him arrested. I tried to hide my face as he stopped dead in front of Miranda’s room, glowered at her tacky cork board covered in well-wishes from friends, and punched the door.

Not knock. Punch. As hard as he could. The door rattled, the sound echoed down the hallway. I waited for anyone to poke their head out to see what the fuss was about, but it seemed that the place was entirely abandoned. Except for--

“Miranda’s not here.”

The voice was calm, steady, muffled, and punctuated with crunching. It was a shock, a shock enough that Dead Coyote short circuited for a moment, standing there with a blank expression on his face and his fist still raised to strike. Standing in the middle of the hallway and clutching a bowl was none other than Eddie. She smiled and waved a spoon at us. It was Cocoa Puffs this time.

“She went to Florida, I think? Other RAs are taking her shift or something, but I think they skipped out, too. Fuckin’ assholes, right?”

She chewed, she swallowed.

“What are you guys doing here anyway? You got, like, three days before you gotta be back, Seymour.”

Exhausted, embarrassed, with dark circles ringing under my eyes and my hair a mess, I told her everything. About the dreams, about the weird way Dead Coyote had briefly acted, about the fact I felt so unsafe that I couldn’t sleep in the living room. I told her about the dog-toothed Not-Coyote that chased me out of the shower and that the neighbors called the police and that my only guess was that Miranda had stepped up her game. Dead Coyote had come to wreck her shit, but now we’d driven all that way for nothing and it was going to be a royal bitch to have to go back home and purge the apartment harder than we’ve ever purged anything before.

“It would have been easier to make her fix it herself,” I groaned.

The more I spoke, the more the color drained out of Eddie’s face. She kept shoveling cereal into her mouth, but there was this wide, wild, fearful look in her eyes like a deer standing in a hunter’s crosshairs. Dead Coyote noticed it first; he clapped me on the shoulder and stared her down like he was trying to will her to spontaneously combust. When she drank the final drops of chocolate milk out of her bowl, she wiped off her mouth with her sleeve and shook her head.

“Oh. Fuck. I didn’t know it would do that.”

I said earlier that I taught Eddie how to do small tricks and charms that she couldn’t fuck up while she was high. What I didn’t know was that Eddie had also been doing research of her own, mostly using Wikipedia and New Age websites manned by folks who didn’t really do any hard studying. It wasn’t that she was wanting to do anything malicious more than she thought it would be a nice gesture if she used what I taught her to try to “help” me out since I wasn’t receptive to her more normal attempts. After all, every college girl wants a guy who could make her walk crooked the next day, right?

She was worried, she said, that the reason that I wasn’t actively looking for love is because I was comparing every man I met to Dead Coyote. That there was unrequited love there, and that I was lonely and sad and unfortunately un-laid because I was holding out for the golden trophy that was a thirty-year-old Honduran man with unkempt hair and neck tattoos. And maybe, just maybe, she could surprise and impress me by playing demonic matchmaker with all of the cool stuff she learned to save my love life and keep me from being such a bitter, frigid person.

“I didn’t expect it to fuck up so bad,” she practically whined.

When the door to her dorm swung open, I couldn’t help but be impressed by her set-up. Even Dead Coyote let out a murmur of surprise at the expertly placed and drawn sigils drawn into the carpet with fabric marker, the assortment of candles all in the correct color, the lights dimmed appropriately, and even tokens she’d collected from us: one of Dead Coyote’s cigarette butts and an old tube of lipgloss that I thought I had lost. As angry as I wanted to be, I was actually kind of flattered that she took the art seriously enough to get it right, even if most of her source material was lacking.

Especially in terms of Glasyalabolas. Because Miranda had never drawn the damn sigil right and Eddie herself had the memory of a goldfish, she didn’t associate the threatening notes with her own helpful ritual. She just knew that Wikipedia said that Glasyalabolas was a big, mean dog who could play matchmaker if you asked nicely, and that she vaguely remembered me telling her that I didn’t like the alternative: “Thor Deer.”

“The fuck did you ask him to do, chica?” Dead Coyote finally asked, after a moment to admire her attention to detail. Eddie shook her head in shame, but after some prodding, finally looked up and squeaked a response.

“To have her naked with you, in your bed, and you both up all night.”

There was silence, then Dead Coyote exploded into laughter, laughter so hard that he sank to the ground in tears, snorting like a feral pig. He told her that, why yes, her request had been fulfilled, that Glasyalabolas had done his job, but not in the way she would have hoped. He had kept us up with godawful, painful, terrifying sex dreams. He had left me so scared to be by myself that I slept in his bed. He did scare me out of the shower while I was undressed so Dead Coyote got a look at me that he, quite frankly, wasn’t expecting.

“You have to be literal,” he explained. “Why didn’t you just ask Glasyalabolas to coerce us to fuck or somethin’?”

“I felt awkward saying it that way.”

We spent the next couple of hours helping teach her how to release spirits and dispel hexes, over the top of her apologizing again and again, nearly in tears because she didn’t realize that magic could backfire so badly despite how many times I had told her it could. It was a bit of an ego stroke to hear her tell me that she didn’t actually think it was possible because she never seen me fuck up so badly, but whatever confidence boost I had was marred by Dead Coyote listing off a lengthy series of things I had ruined, destroyed, killed, cursed, and broken over the course of my illustrious career. By the time I got to helping her scrub up marker from the carpet, she was laughing at stories of me making my first animal sacrifice (it was a pigeon, I cried, it escaped inside his apartment). It was as though she thought she hadn’t messed up at all.

It didn’t stop Dead Coyote from giving her a pretty stern warning on the way out. One that involved breaking both of her arms if she ever tried to summon anything ever again. The only reason I was spared from being chided for teaching her how to do anything in the first place is because, even with the knowledge that Glasyalabolas should be gone, I was still secretly shaken, nauseous, and way too embarrassed about being caught in my birthday suit to actually look Dead Coyote in the face.

With three days left of my break, I sucked up my fear and decided to head back home milk my time off with my favorite person for all it was worth. Besides, even if I was going to forgive Eddie, I still needed time to get over how unbelievably stupid she was. The inside of the apartment still smelled faintly of sulfur and I could occasionally still feel the prickle of an unknown presence tingling down my spine, but it was weak enough that it was obviously residual. Dead Coyote even coaxed me into relaxing about my streaking incident, reminding me of the time I found him passed out in his bathtub in high school.

In his words, “We’ll call it even and never speak of it again.”

But even with the awkwardness and even though I knew we cleaned up pretty well, I kept thinking of Glasyalabolas’ face and the dream about when I was nine. It was forgotten during the day--during the times I was actually enjoying myself--but in the dead of night the first day we got back, I found that I couldn’t take being alone in the living room. Shit would just loop in my head, a highlight reel of trauma, again and again until it propelled me to get up, drag myself up the stairs, and knock on Dead Coyote’s door.

I slept back-to-back with him on his ratty floor mattress for the rest of my spring break. It made me feel like I was a four-year-old but it was worth it to sleep soundly, to feel safe. I just knew I could never tell Eddie whenever I finally spoke to her again.

She’d never let me live it down.

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

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vindictivegrace · 7 years

Text

Set It All on Fire

Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers

Word Count: 2208

Notes: One shot, no smut, established relationship, domestic AU, no powers, moving out, moving is annoying as fuck, rage quit, Bucky is a grouch, Steve is kind of a nag, I basically wrote this to unload my own IRL moving stress Summary: Steve and Bucky are moving to a new rental house. Bucky hates the hassles of moving. To make matters worse, Bucky has been left to deal with the bulk of their last minute packing. The house is full of excess junk, Steve is constantly on his case about what to do next, and Bucky is sick of it all. Finally, something happens and it’s the last straw for Bucky. A/N: Originally posted March 25, 2017 on AO3 here. I wrote this while I was in the middle of preparing to move a couple weeks ago. Holy fuck do I hate moving. I have since made it to my new destination, but not without wishing once or twice (or every single day) that I could do what Bucky did in this fic. Let me know what you think. Enjoy ^_^ ****************

“Bucky, did you hear what I said?”

“Hm, what?” Bucky blinked to rid himself of his glazed over stare.

His boyfriend huffed, clearly annoyed. “I said…”

And there Steve went again about this and that and whatever else Bucky had to do. The two were moving out of their rental home to a nicer one on the other side of the city. Steve was counting on Bucky to get as much packing done as possible. Bucky had the time. After serving the past four years in the military, he decided to use the GI Bill to take himself to school. He was a part-time student at one of the local universities, and school was on break for the week. Bucky also worked part-time for the university, and luckily his office was closed for the break as well.

“Bucky! You got that?”

“Yeah, yeah, Steve. I heard ya this time.” Bucky really didn’t, but he didn’t have to. Steve was on him for the past few days about everything that had to be done, there was no way Bucky could forget even if he wanted to. Every day before he left and every night before they slept, Steve repeated their endless to-do list. Steve helped when he could, but his long hours at the office meant he wasn’t able to contribute as much as he would like. With such a short deadline to be out of the house—the end of the week—the majority of the work fell on Bucky’s shoulders. He would have to spend his entire break packing up.

“Well okay, Buck. I’m off.” Steve leaned in to give Bucky a warm, lingering kiss. He pulled away, adding, “Look, I know you hate moving, Bucky. Don’t worry—It’ll be over before you know it and we’ll be in our new house.”

“Honestly, it would be over a lot sooner if we didn’t have so much crap laying around Stevie. Seriously, we don’t need all this junk!” Bucky gestured behind himself. It was true the house was cluttered with everything imaginable, but Steve always freaked out and put his foot down when Bucky as much as hinted at getting rid of their stuff.

Steve didn’t have time to freak out this morning, so he quickly cut down Bucky’s protest. “We can deal with the extra junk later. Right now we need to focus on getting out of here.” Bucky heard the finality in his voice. “Okay, I’m off for real now, Bucky.” Steve gave Bucky a quick smooch this time and left out the door.

Bucky closed the door and turned around to face the behemoth of a task in front of him: All the shit in their house.

He ran a hand through his long brown hair and sighed.

“Fuck me.”

-----

In one of Steve’s earlier nightly recitals of their to-do list, he had recommended Bucky start in one room and work his way to the living room and kitchen. Having a system for tackling all their junk would keep the frustration at bay. It would also make it easier for Steve to figure out where he could jump in and help when he came home.

Bucky was having none of that. If he had to do most of the packing, he would do it his way. Which meant random anger-inducing chaos. He started in the kitchen, tackling random cabinets as he saw fit. He opened one above and was instantly flooded by Tupperware, like he was part of a goddamn infomercial. Afterwards, he moved to the partially finished basement, looked around at the mess, told himself “NOPE,” and went back upstairs. He boxed up the books in Steve’s home office and left it at that, knowing that his lover would prefer to go through the rest of the room’s contents on his own. He went back to the kitchen to load the dishwasher and do the rest by hand. They were always leaving huge piles of dishes in the sink. He skipped the bathroom for now. He could clean that towards the end of their stay.

Later, in their bedroom, Bucky worked on their clothes. His were easy. Bucky kept a simple utilitarian wardrobe that still flattered his muscular physique. He usually stuck to henleys, jeans, and boots. He had enough clothes to add or remove layers as needed, and a jacket and a coat to accommodate the predominant seasons of the region. He had a set of workout clothes, as well, and he saved on pajamas by sleeping in an undershirt and his boxer briefs, or in the nude.

Steve was a different story. For a guy who was modest and bashful about how ridiculously hot he actually was, Steve had no problem showing himself off in as many clothes as possible. He had t-shirts, tank tops, button down flannel, basic longsleeves, sweaters, hoodies, dress shirts for work, dress shirts for going out, his workout clothes; tons of jeans in various ass-hugging, junk framing shades and cuts (okay, Bucky liked those); sooooo many shoes; jackets for warm weather; jackets for cooler weather; jackets for when the weather couldn’t decide what it was doing; five heavy winter coats (what person needed FIVE winter coats???); underwear in all shades, cuts, and materials imaginable (okay, Bucky liked those too, especially the lacey boyshorts and thongs); and more. Bucky had never seen anyone, man or woman, own so many clothes. The sight of their overrun closet alone was mind-boggling. Steve could at least cut down on the shirts. Half of his stash could restock all the clothing stores downtown for a month!

Bucky put his face in his hands and groaned loudly. The frustration was building fast.

-----

Of course when Steve came home he threw a fit at Bucky’s randomness. Now they were both climbing over boxes and bags and stacks of junk like they were moving through a homemade obstacle course.

Of course Steve’s annoyance fed into Bucky’s.

“Well maybe we wouldn’t have to climb over everything if we didn’t have so much stuff! Why don’t we get rid of all of this crap? We could donate it or give it away. Hell, we could even do a last minute garage sale. I’d be willing whip that together.”

“No, Bucky!”

“Or we could set it all on fire and be done with it.”

“NO.”

Of course, when the night was over, Steve was running through their to-do list. They still had to transfer their utility services, transfer their internet service, change their mailing address, change their address at the bank, send out their final rent, give a parting gift to the neighbors (‘Fuck the neighbors,’ Bucky thought to himself. ‘Their tiny dog always poops on our porch!’), get their lawnmower back from Sam who had borrowed it after his broke, mow the lawn, take out the trash and recycling, take the designated box of food to the food bank, on top of everything else they had to do at home still. Which included...

And Steve just kept rattling off the neverending, damn it all to hell, to-do list. Bucky had already fallen asleep. Steve didn’t notice until the familiar light snoring started. He sighed, turned out the light, and snuggled himself under Bucky’s arm, allowing the gentle rise and fall of Bucky’s chest to lull him to sleep.

-----

Days later, after more packing and more of Steve’s lists, and more problems coming up, and more things to do, Bucky just about had it. Maybe he really would set everything on fire. The illicit desire was growing each minute. There was no point in keeping any of this junk around anymore. He and Steve would have to unpack it all in the new house, and deal with it again when they moved once more later on, and again, and again! Bucky wished he could squeeze his eyes shut and magically time travel to one month later when they would be settled down in their now home and all their packing woes were far behind them. He was so sick of this shit. He was barely holding on. If anything set him off now, he knew he would lose it.

He opened the front door to get the mail for the last time when he felt something squish under his boot. He didn’t need to look down to know what it was—the smell alone was enough to tell.

Bucky stepped in dog shit.

THAT’S. IT.

-----

Steve was packing up for the day when his phone vibrated. He let it go to voicemail. He just wanted to leave the office and get home so he could help Bucky. He knew Bucky was getting more tense and fed up with packing. It was already late, the sun having set an hour ago. The phone vibrated again—short pulses this time. A text message. Then a longer set of vibrations for a phone call. Then short pulsing. A voicemail. Followed by more vibrations. Steve started getting nervous. This wasn’t good. He looked at the phone. All the missed phone calls, voicemails, and texts were coming from Natasha. When the phone vibrated again, Steve picked up.

“Rogers.”

“Steve, it’s Nat!” she was frantic. “Where are you?”

“I’m still at work trying to leave. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m calling to ask you that! Didn’t you hear?”

------

Steve rushed home just in time to see the spectacle. There were fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances everywhere. Emergency personnel were running back and forth. Everyone in the neighborhood and the surrounding area gathered around to see the biggest tower of fire he had ever seen. There were so many phones out, no doubt recording the drama and posting it online. The local news stations were off to the side reporting live. The view almost reminded Steve of the massive bonfires the city puts on during the summer. Except this wasn’t a bonfire—it was whatever was left of his rental house.

Where was Bucky? Steve worked his way through the crowd. His eyes darted this way and that looking for Bucky, hoping, begging, pleading that Bucky was okay. That was all he cared about. Panic was flooding through his entire body. No, no! If Bucky was in the house, there was no way he could have survived a blaze this big. Steve couldn’t lose his Bucky. Not like this, please! Steve reached the front of the crowd, where caution tape and police officers kept the crowd back and firefighters rushed by to kill the fire. The heat was overwhelming.

“Sir, please stay back. It isn’t safe here!” an officer warned him.

“But that’s my house!” Steve yelled back while pointing at the blaze. “Please, Officer, have you seen a man about my height and age, with shoulder length brown hair, muscular build, and an endless scowl???” Steve’s eyes were stinging from the smoke and his own fears playing out in his mind.

“Oh, that guy…Yeah, he’s over there,” the officer replied, thumbing over his shoulder in a general direction behind them.

Bucky was leaning against an ambulance. He refused medical care. His arms were crossed and his scowl was deep, so the paramedics let him be.

Steve ran to him. “Bucky! Oh thank god you’re okay!” Steve threw his arms around Bucky and hugged him hard, effectively killing Bucky’s customary stress glare. The hug didn’t last long. Steve pulled himself back at arm's length to look at Bucky head on. “What happened here? What happened to you? How did this happen? Did you see anything?”

Bucky’s eyes shifted—right, left, lower corner—and settled on Steve’s. “I stepped out of the house for a little bit. Went to grab the mail. Turned around and saw smoke. I ran inside to save the important stuff. I ran out. The whole place went up in flames.”

Steve knew that look and tone. Bucky always acted this way when something was off.

Then it instantly clicked in Steve’s mind.

The panic Steve felt earlier transformed into stomach sinking dread. His eyes widened, the whites standing out in the blaze-hued smoky night. He stepped closer to whisper, his grip on Bucky’s shoulders tightening.

“Bucky...What did you DO?”

Bucky gave Steve a small smirk. The night, the ongoing fire, and the spinning lights from all the emergency workers’ vehicles played off Bucky’s visage, leaving him unnaturally darkened by shadows, like an everyday man who finally gave in to his most sinister carnal desire.

“What we should have done in the first place. Now Steve, the story is ‘I stepped out of the house for a little bit. Went to grab the mail. Turned around and saw smoke. I ran inside to save the important stuff. I ran out. The whole place went up in flames.’” He emphasized each sentence to cement the “facts” into Steve’s mind and the unspoken message: WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

“Bucky…” Steve was horrified. Was this really happening?

“I’m an idiot Steve,” Bucky continued in that tone. “I shouldn’t have risked my life like that for paper, right? Documents can be replaced. A life can’t. You’re just happy that I’m safe and sound. RIGHT, Stevie?”

“Oh my god, Bucky.”

“You shouldn’t buy so many of those damn shirts, Stevie. They’re basically kindling.”

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #stevebucky #stucky #marvel #fanfic #fanfiction #moving #packing #I fucking hate moving #vindictivegracefanfic #set it all on fire #au domestic life #au no powers #rage quit #established relationship #one shot

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weekendwarriorblog · 5 years

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WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND December 7, 2018 - Um....

Are you all ready for one of the worst weekends at the box office in many months? There are no new wide releases this weekend... not a single one. Because of that, we can cut right to the top 10, which should look something like…. Basically, the same as last weekend but everything making even less. Sigh… the only thing of note I should mention is that Universal should take advantage of the slower weekend to expand Green Book further since it’s still in only been in about 1,000 theaters so far.

1. Ralph Breaks the Internet (Disney) - $16 million -38% 2. The Grinch (Universal) - $11.5 million -35% 3. Creed II (MGM) - $9.6 million -43% 4. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (Warner Bros.) - $5.6 million -50% 5. Bohemian Rhapsody (20thCentury Fox) - $4.5 million -45% 6. Instant Family (Paramount) - $4.5 million -37% 7. Green Book (Universal) - $3 million -23% 8. The Possession of Hannah Grace (Sony/Screen Gems) - $2.9 million -55% 9.Robin Hood (Lionsgate) - $2.5 million -47% 10. Widows (20thCentury Fox) – $2.4 million -45%

LIMITED RELEASES

While there are no new wide releases in theaters and maybe you’ve already seen most of the movies above, there are a few new limited releases including at least one or two expected to expand wider in December, including two excellent dramas.

Period costume drama enthusiasts should be interested in Working Title’s latest, MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS (Focus Features), which is an absolutely fantastic directorial debut by Josie Rourke, starring Saoirse Ronan as the title character and Margot Robbie as Queen Elizabeth. The film covers Mary’s return to Scotland to take over the throne as queen, while also trying to get Elizabeth to accept her as a successor since Elizabeth is unable to have children. Along the way, Mary is paired with a number of men including the flamboyant Lord Darnley, played by Jack Lowden from Dunkirk, who gives her an heir even as she great to hate him. These were tough times in Scotland with civil wars and as many conspiracies to take the crown as in Game of Thrones. Also starring Joe Alwyn, David Tennant, Gemma Chan and Martin Compston, this is an amazing film led by another stirring performance by Ronan. Mary’s story is fascinating but also tragic, and it’s about time that someone did more with the character than just as a footnote in Elizabeth’s story. I was hugely impressed with the scope and scale of Rouke’s first feature film and the amount of emotions I felt as I watched it. In any other year, Mary, Queen of Scots would be an Oscar frontrunner, but I feel like the fact this is being seen months after Yorgos Lanthomos’ unique spin on the costume drama genre with The Favourite (which premiered during festival season back in Sept.) might give it a distinct disadvantage among awards voters. Either way, this excellent historical drama opens in select cities, and if you’re interested in British history or royalty, I highly recommend it.

Another great movie coming out Friday is Peter Hedges’ BEN IS BACK (LD Distribution/Roadside Attractions/Lionsgate), starring Julia Roberts and Lucas Hedges. You may remember Hedges from his debut Pieces of April or the excellent Dan in Real Life, starring Steve Carell. Oddly, this film deals with a similar subject as Carell’s latest Beautiful Boy i.e. drug addiction, but I much preferred this film. Lucas Hedges plays Ben, a young adult who had been sent to rehab to deal with his debilitating drug addiction, but he shows up back at home on Christmas Eve, much to the concern of his mother (Roberts). She’s very worried that he’ll relapse to his bad habit being away from rehab, but also Ben has left enemies in the drug-dealing world, one of whom kidnaps the family’s beloved dog, sending mother and son on a tense night out into the drug world to find the pooch. I was pretty blown away by this movie which goes from family drama to something akin to a thriller, and the performances by Roberts and Hedges are fantastic, although the film also stars the always-great Courtney B. Vance. This opens in select theaters Friday, and I’ll have an interview with the elder Hedges over at NextBestPicture sometime later this week.

INTERVIEW WITH FILMMAKER PETER HEDGES

One of my favorite movies from this year’s Tribeca Film Festival is actor Alex Pettyfer’s directorial debut BACK ROADS (Samuel Goldwyn), a drama co-written by Oscar-nominated screenwriter Adrian Lyne (Fatal Attraction). Based on Tawni O’Dell’s best-selling novel, it’s a fantastic study of family trauma as Pettyfer plays Harley Altmyer, a young man trying to care for his three younger sisters in rural Pennsylvania after his mother (Juliette Lewis) is jailed for killing their abusive father. While trying to keep his teen sister Amber (Nicola Peltz) out of trouble, Harley begins a tryst with an older married woman, played by Jennifer Morrison. It’s playing one night only at the Roxy Cinema in New York on Thursday 11pm then opens in select cities and on VOD starting Friday.

Actor Brady Corbet directs his second feature, VOX LUX (Neon), which follows the rise of pop star Celeste, who as aa teenager survives a school shooting incident and sings at the memorial service. With the help of her songwriting sister (Stacy Martin), Celeste (played as a teenager by Raffey Cassidy) becomes hugely successful before become embroiled in scandal. Years later, she returns for her comeback (now played by Natalie Portman) while trying to maintain a relationship with her own teen daughter (also played by Cassidy). Jude Law plays Celeste’s beleaguered manager, and original songs were written for the film by Sia. It opens in select cities, more than likely at many Alamo Drafthouse theaters, and we’ll see where it expands from there. I saw this a few months back and was generally mixed, since I thought Elisabeth Moss’ somewhat similar role in Her Smell (which will play SXSW next year) was much stronger.

TYREL (Magnolia) is the new film from Chilean-born filmmaker Sebastian Silva (The Maid, Crystal Fairy, Nasty Baby), starring Jason Mitchell from Straight Outta Compton as Tyler, who goes for a weekend trip to the Catskills with a group of people he doesn’t know, only to realize he’s the only black person. As the alcohol flows, he becomes the victim of racial stereotyping. This opens in New York at the IFC Center on Wednesday, then will very slowly roll out into other cities, including Columbus and Baltimore on Friday.

Opening in select cities and also at IFC Center is Oliver Parker’s Swimming with Men (IFC Films) starring Rob Brydon (The Trip) as an accountant going through a mid-life crisis who joins a group of all-male synchronized swimmers, and boy, did I want to enjoy this Britcom more than I actually did, which is a shame.

Kate Bosworth co-produces husband Michael Polish’s new drama Nona (North of Two), about a young Honduran woman named Nona (played by Sulem Calderon) who meets handsome traveler Hecho (Jesy McKinney) and takes him up on the offer to go towards the United States, where she can reunite with her mother. They travel across the country via car, bus, boat and eventually by foot through Guatemala and Mexico only for her to discover Hecho’s true intentions.

Opening at the Film Forum is the Danish film The Charmer (Film Movement) from Milad Alami, which follows Esmail, a good-looking Iran immigrant who is constantly picking up Danish women in bars and bedding them before dumping them. When he meets a fellow Iranian woman (played by stunning pop star Soho Rezanejad), she immediately has figured out his game, but it’s one he’s ready to set aside after he falls madly in love with her. This is a fairly slow-build character piece that goes off on a few odd tangents and never really delivers on the thriller aspects promised, but still is fairly worthwhile.

The Italian drama On My Skin from filmmaker Alessio Cremonini looks at the case of Stefano Cucchi (Alessandro Borghi) who was arrested for a minor crime and then found dead while held in detention. It also will open at the IFC Center Friday, but only receives a single showing each day.

Onto this week’s docs. If you’re in New York, you won’t want to miss Amazing Grace, also at Film Forum. If you hadn’t heard about it, this is a 1972 concert film showing Aretha Franklin performing gospel tunes with full band and choir, and it’s an amazing document of the Queen of Soul while at her peak, singing the hymns that she would sing in her father’s church. It plays for one week only at the Film Forum to qualify it for Oscars, but doesn’t have distribution yet.

Alexis Bloom’s doc Divide and Conquer: The Story of Roger Ailes (Magnolia,A&E IndieFilms), exec. produced by Alex Gibney, will open in select cities and On Demand Friday. It’s a comprehensive look at the life and career of the late Fox News CEO, who died less than a year after being fired for sexual harassment. I though this was an excellent doc with a lot of people talking about Ailes you might not expect (like Glenn Beck) but watching this movie made me feel very slimy since Ailes was such a low-life in high places. You can watch it On Demand or in select cities starting Friday, though I’m not sure who might be interested in this, especially since so many liberals I know didn’t want to watch Errol Morris’ Steve Bannon doc when it played the festival circuit.

Onto the VOD specials i.e. movies getting limited theatrical releases that you’re more likely to see on demand and on digital outlets:

Frequent Guillermo del Toro collaborator Ron Perlman stars in Michael Caton-Jones’ new film Asher (Momentum Pictures) as a former Mossad agent, now a gun-for-hire living in Brooklyn, who breaks his oath when he falls in love with Famke Janssen’s Sophie.

Matthew Hope’s action-thriller All the Devil’s Men (Lionsgate Premiere) stars Milo Gibson, Wililam Fichtner and Sylvia Hoeks. It involves a manhunt through the streets of London for a CIA operative who might be involved in terrorism.

Karen Gillen’s directorial debut The Party’s Just Beginning (The Orchard) is released in theaters Friday and on VOD on Tuesday, Dec. 11, following its world premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival.

Also on Thursday begins Russian Film Week, taking place at the SVA Theater between Dec. 8 and 14, showcasing the best of Russian cinema, both old and new, including Russia’s submission for the Oscars, Sobibor, and Timur Bekmambetov’s Yolki Posledniye, which never received a U.S. release.

STREAMING (VOD)

I haven’t had a chance to see the Dolly Parton-produced Netflix comedy DUMPLIN’, but it stars Patti Cake$ breakout Danielle Macdonald as the plus-size daughter of a Texas beauty queen (played by Jennifer Aniton) who decides to shake things up by entering a local pageant. It features a new song by Parton, and it will play in a few theaters for awards eligibility. From Italy comes Marco Risi’s 5 Star Christmas(akaNatale A 5 Stelle), a wacky comedy about the Italian Prime Minister visiting Hungary and while spending time with his secret lover, they discover a corpse in their hotel suite. (I’m loving that these international hits that would never get distribution in the U.S. are finding a home.) Also, from director Bert Marcus comes The American Meme, which follows the journey of four “social media disruptors” including Paris Hilton, Josh Ostrovsky (aka Fat Jew) and two others as they build their online empires. I missed this at Tribeca, so glad it found a home. Last week’s Andy Serkis-directed Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle will also be streaming on the network this weekend, and I recommend it but not for kids under 8.

Also premiering on VOD Thursday (before its DVD/Blu-ray release next Tuesday) is Christina Kallas’ mystery drama The Rainbow Experiment (Gravitas Ventures), which premiered at Slamdance earlier this year. It’s a whodunnit set in a NYC high school where a student is permanently injured during a science experiment.

Also, my good friend Ned Ehrbar (who I haven’t seen since he moved to New York!) has his directorial debut California No available on digital platforms starting today. It’s about a “rudderless junketeer” (something I know about from experience) played by Noah Segan (Looper, Brick) whose wife (something I don’t know about from lack of experience) confesses that they’re in an open marriage, something he did not realize. This sends him into a tailspin as he falls for another woman and moves in with a former A-lister.

REPERTORY

On top of the usual repertory offerings in New York and L.A., old movie lovers across the country can catch the 25thAnniversary screening of Steven Spielberg’s Oscar-winning Schindler’s List, which will play at select theaters across the nation starting on Thursday night.

METROGRAPH (NYC):

I know absolutely nothing about photographer/writer Mario Ruspoli, but restorations of his short films and Florence Dauman’s 2011 documentary Mario Ruspoli, Prince of the Whales (finally translated into English) will screen starting Thursday and through the weekend with Dauman doing intros and QnAs throughout the weekend. Those who want to learn more about the French New Wave will have two more opportunities this weekend as the Metrograph screens two 35mm prints of Jacques Demy’s The Young Girls of Rochefort (1967) and Jean Renoir’s French Cancan (1955), the latter both Saturday and Sunday. Also, on Friday, the Metrograph will start screening a new restoration of Billy Wilder’s The Apartment (MGM/Park Circus), the Oscar-winning 1960 comedy starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine that I only discovered for the first time last year when the Metrograph screened a 35mm print. The 1938 Japanese horror film Ghost Cat and the Mysterious Shamisen from Kiyohiko Ushihara will screen on Thursday and Friday nights.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

In its second weekend since returning post-renovation, the New Bev is offering double features of The Untouchablesand Capone on Weds and Thursday, Scorsese’s Goodfellas and Machine Gun McCain on Friday, as well as Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs at midnight Friday, afternoon screenings of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas on Friday and Saturday, as well as Death Race2000 at midnight on Saturday to commemorate David Carradine’s birthday. Sunday and Monday sees a Western double feature of The Magnificent Seven and Guns of the Magnificent Seven. This weekend’s Playtime: Family Matineeis Charles Lane’s Sidewalk Stories (1989), a silent movie about homelessness in New York that takes cues from Chaplin’s The Kid.

FILM SOCIETY OF LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Christian Pentzold: The State We Are In continues this weekend with more screenings of the German filmmaker’s work including The State I Am In*, The Young Lieutenant and one of my personal favorites, Phoenix, on Sunday night. (*I saw Pentzold’s first theatrically-distributed feature this past weekend, and it was fantastic, following a young woman (Julia Hummer) living in hiding with her parents. Definitely can recommend that and Phoenix.)

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Ingmar Bergman’s classic masterpiece The Seventh Seal (1957), starring Max von Sydow, will screen from a new 4k restoration from Janus Films, playing for two weeks beginning Friday. This weekend’s Film Forum Jr. is the classic Oscar-winning movie musical West Side Story (1961), currently being remade by Steven Spielberg.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

Continuing the repertory love for Orson Welles with his latest film, the long-lost The Other Side of the Wind, the Quad is launching Actor For Hire: The Other Side of Orson Welles, which as explained, is a series featuring Orson Welles as actor including The Black Rose, Butterfly,Compulsion, The Third Man, A Man for All Seasons and many, many more.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Beginning a month-long screening of the Frank Capra classic It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) with scattered appearances by Donna Reed’s daughter Mary Owen between Dec. 11 and 24. Sure, it will be on TV a lot but when was the last time you saw it on the big screen? Late Night Favorites features midnight screenings of David Fincher’s Fight Club on Friday and Saturday, Weekend Classics continues its Coen Brothers retrospective with the Oscar-winning Best Picture No Country for Old Men, while Shaw Brothers Spectaculars continues with the classic Five Deadly Venoms.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

To celebrate its 20thanniversary, the renovated Grauman’s Theater will screen a digital restoration of Ernst Lubitsch’s Rosita (1923), starring Mary Pickford on Friday night. Spike Lee will continue his repertory run (after appearing at Metrograph this past weekend) by showing his new film BlacKkKlansman and introducing his 1992 biopic Malcolm X, starring John David Washington’s father Saturday night. Then on Sunday, there will be a double feature of Do the Right Thing (1989) and Crooklyn (1994) with a discussion with Lee in between.

AERO (LA):

Following a special screening of Tamara Jenkins’ latest Private Life on Thursday night, the Aero will do a FREE two-film tribute to Jenkins on Friday, showing The Slums of Beverly Hills (1998) and The Savages (2007). Kids of all ages will want to check out the Aero’s Looney Tunes Winter Wonderland on Saturday night and The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) on Sunday afternoon. Plus they’re showing the Coens’ The Big Lebowski just because they can… oh, and it’s the movie’s 20th anniversary.

BAM CINEMATEK(NYC):

Apparently, BAM is trying to compete with Film Forum by presenting An Evening with Liv Ullman with the actress/director celebrating her 80thbirthday with the theater on Thursday night with a screening of Jan Troell’s 1971 film The Emigrants, starring Ullman and Max von Sydow (from The Seventh Seal).

MOMA (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Douglas Fairbanks Jr. presents A Woman of Affairs (1928) on Wednesday, 1938’s The Young in Heart on Thursday, and That Lady in Ermine (1948) on Friday, so you can see how Fairbanks changed across three decades.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

A new era begins with new chief curator Eric Hynes taking over for from founder David Schwartz, although this weekend only sees Family Matinee showings for Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas on Saturday and Sunday. This series continues through the end of the year.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART (LA):

Still showing the Italian drama Senso through Thursday and then a midnight screening of Nicolas Cage’s Mandy on Friday with producer Daniel Noah doing a QnA with director Joe Lynch moderating.

That’s it for this week. Next week… NEW MOVIES!!!! Spider-Man: Into the Spider-versewill take on the Peter Jackson production of Mortal Engines, while Clint Eastwood returns with The Mule.

#WhatToWatchThisWeekend Movies BoxOffice MaryQueenofScots BenIsBack Reviews TheWeekendWarrior

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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tanmath3-blog · 7 years

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Eric A. Shelman is amazing. Not only is he an amazing writer he can sing too. If you haven’t heard him sing check out his YouTube channel. You don’t want to miss it. He has a great sense of humor and an awesome personality. He loves his wife more than anything in the world. You should hear him talk about her it will make you smile. His writing will have you turning pages fast as you can and holding your breath. I highly recommend you reading his books you will love them. His characters are well-developed and the story line solid and flows well. If you haven’t met him you are missing out on a great man, writer and friend. Please welcome Eric A. Shelman to Roadie Notes…..

1. How old were you when you first wrote your first story?

I had to be 18 or 19 – I had moved to Dana Point, California, into my first apartment on Silver Lantern street. I had a HUGE group of good partying friends, with it being 1978/79, and wrote a story that included all of them called “Joe Toast in Outer Space.”

Joe Toast was what I’d call myself (and my friends called themselves) when we got a little … let’s say, “blitzed.” Somebody’d come up to me at a party and say, “Hey, man, how you doin’?” and I’d say, “Man, I’m Joe Toast.” Meaning … I was “toasted.”

BUT that said, I also wrote poetry when I was a kid – even got a poem about a departing teacher, Mrs. Dunaway, in the newspaper. Some shit about the golden rule, etc. I later wrote a poem called “Bird Talk” that I thought was pretty good – a teacher asked me where I copied it from, not believing I wrote it. Man, that hit me hard. So, that’s about it. I wrote Bird Talk, probably when I was 8 or 9.

2. How many books have you written?

I’m at 18 right now, but am working on #19. 15-1/2 of those books were written since 2010. I had a 12-year gap in my writing, where I just gave it up completely. I blame a cruel, harsh critique group – but they weren’t really that. They helped me a LOT.

3. Anything you won’t write about?

I love horror, so I tend to go that route. I think of something that scares me, and try to approach it from a different direction. I don’t think I’d ever do romance – but I might try erotica under a pen name. I can get as sexy/raunchy/intimate as the next guy. Just never have. I have a lot of stories from my personal life that would make good drama, but not anything I think I’d want to share, and unfortunately, the people in my life would know the story – and they wouldn’t appreciate it.

4. Tell me about you. Age (if you don’t mind answering), married, kids, do you have another job etc…

I’m turning 57 this year, which is just freakin’ baffling to me. I mean, I remember being in my late teens and twenties, never EVER believing I’d live to see 30, much less 40 or 50+. That’s because I was a big partier back in the 70s. I partook in pretty much every recreational drug that didn’t require a needle (never, EVER would I jab a needle in my arm) and I’d wager a guess that when I was young, NONE of my friends would’ve ever predicted I’d become an author and tell stories of zombies, aliens and serial killers.

I’m married for 30 years to my wife, Linda, but we’ve been together since 1983. That’s 34 years together. We live in Cape Coral, Florida, and currently do not have any dogs – but we always have. Greyhounds, Whippets, Chihuahuas, Shelties, etc. We almost seem ready for a new rescue dog.

For my other job(s), I’m an audiobook narrator, and have done work for James Dean, Mike Evans, Thomas A. Watson, Comet Press, David A. Simpson, Dana E. Donovan, and others. I also narrate all of my own novels. I’m also an active real estate broker, and also work in Internet marketing/direct sales.

5. What’s your favorite book you have written?

It’s hard to say, but Shifting Fears is my favorite story. There are some cool intricacies I really like about the story, and those (few) who have read it also love it. Dead Hunger is what put me on the map, which ended at 9 books and a novella. My favorite couple would definitely be Flex and Gem of Dead Hunger.

I really like The Camera: Bloodthirst – it’s a funny/gory story, along the lines of “Reanimator.”

6. Who or what inspired you to write?

Well, despite the fact that I’ve been writing since I was just a young tike, my writing really ramped up when my late brother, Gary, came home sometime in the 1990s and shared a story he’d written. It was a fiction story called “The Gift,” and he was working on another about his life in Juvenile detention called “State Boy.” That inspired me to begin writing short stories. After pounding out 20 of them, I finally decided to write a book. In 1999, Out of the Darkness: The Story of Mary Ellen Wilson was released. That’s what gave me the permanent writing BUG.

7. What do you like to do for fun?

Well, you KNOW I love to sing, so I have over 400 videos on YouTube of me doing just that – yes, to Karaoke tracks. I don’t have a goddamned band, so what am I to do? Plus, Karaoke musicians don’t get drunk and mess up the tune while I’m singing. Sometimes I get drunk and mess it up, though. I also paint stuff occasionally, and I do sing part-time with a band named Shady Deal. Linda and I like to go camping, love to read and listen to tunes. I recommend some Friday or Saturday night, while you’re just mellowing out, to fire up Pandora and create a music station called Melody Gardot radio. You’ll DIG the vibes of that artist, as well as those similar to her. It’s a groooooooooveeeee.

8. Any traditions you do when you finish a book?

Not really – just fret about how to promote it so it doesn’t die on the vine, and begin thinking about my next book or my next audiobook narration.

9. Where do you write? Quiet or music?

Mostly quiet, in my office. I used to listen to rock guitar gods or classical music, but not so much anymore. Not sure why!?

10. Anything you would change about your writing?

If I had the time for the pause, I might seek out a large publisher – not an indy, because I don’t really feel in my bones that they can do as much for me as I would – I often check out their authors’ books to see how they’re selling, and normally, mine are better than theirs. I don’t need to trade this for worse – I’d like to really get with a house that could … you know, make me FAMOUS. (Because RICH usually goes with that.) And we’d all like to be rich, no matter what we say on Facebook.

11. What is your dream? Famous writer?

Hell yes. I’d love to be known as a writer whose stuff you’ll buy just because HE wrote it. And to be happy and healthy as I roll my way towards death.

12. Where do you live?

Paradise, baby. Paradise. Cape Coral, Florida. As I write this, it’s February 8, 2017, and 80 degrees with sun outside. That’s why we live here. We moved here from southern California in 2001. We were there over 30 years, but before that, I was born and raised in Texas.

13. Pets?

Not presently – we’re DOG people.

14. What’s your favorite thing about writing?

The entertainment factor – knowing that you wrote something that people can use to take them away from their daily grind. There is one woman – a fan of mine – whose daughter was killed. She was devastated, and started reading Dead Hunger. She has told me so many times how that book series allowed her to escape her pain while she read it. That is the best feeling. Just the best.

15. What is coming next for you?

Either The Camera II, or a new zombie series. I’ve got some ideas I’ve got to flesh out. I’ve had starts and stops on new zombie series ideas – and then I keep wondering if it’s almost spent! Looking at Tufo’s sales, I have to say it’s not, but then again – maybe that’s just for him! I’ll be working on something else within 30 days of completing Scabs III. I will probably release the entire Scabs Trilogy in ONE book, which will be close to 1000 pages.

Anything else you would like me to include please feel free to tell me!

Methinks I hate Shakespeare, and I abhor the classics, like the very boring Moby Dick and others. I’m not into “literary” fiction, besides Watership Down, Flowers for Algernon, and some other greats. Give me a fantastic Dean Koontz or Stephen King book – or Ken Follett or Clive Cussler, for that matter. Then … I’m happy.

You can connect with Eric A. Shelman here:

Twitter: AuthorShelman Skype: Shelman9 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/createyourfate Facebook Author Page: http://www.facebook.com/authorshelman Website: http://www.ericshelman.com My products site: http://the-twisted-products-of-author-eric-a-shelman.myshopify.com/ My books on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Eric-A-Shelman/e/B001K91I2Y/

Some of Eric A. Shelman’s books:

Getting personal with Eric A. Shelman Eric A. Shelman is amazing. Not only is he an amazing writer he can sing too. If you haven't heard him sing check out his YouTube channel.

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