#no actual plans to do that but if somebody paid for it i'd probably do it lmao

[vodka-redbull-daily]

November 18th, 2023 (Part 1)

*Graphic Sexual Content*

So when I was coming home from work, I got message by this guy asking if I wanted to meet up right then and it was already almost 1:00 in the morning.  one of his very first messages to me was “ I have coke”.  I told him I didn't really do drugs, so he offered me alcohol instead. that, I can get down with. I went to go pick him up from his friends condo so he didn't have to get an Uber. after that, we went back to his place and I was planning on spending the night. he had even suggested it since it's such a far drive for me. we got into his apartment and he made me a drink. he didn't have any red bull, so it was vodka and diet coke. he himself did the cocaine. so I guess we both kind of had Coke that night, but it was still very different.

His apartment was really nice. he's one of those super rich white people;  he owns a bunch of bars in Austin some in Houston and a few in San Antonio. he does investments in real estate shit. basically, one of those rich people who came from rich background so they can spend money wherever they want to make more money.  I mean, who else would be able to randomly afford a shit ton of coke. I really don't know that much about drugs but it did seem like a lot from what I've heard from movies and stuff. they usually measured in grams, as far as I know,  and generally speaking I think I know about how much a gram is of something. unless cocaine is almost as light as a feather, that had to be like 50 to 60 G of coke. seems like a lot to me but maybe it isn't.

 after he did a little bit of Coke, we kind of  sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen and talked for a little bit.  he had me connect my phone to his TV through Bluetooth so that I could play some music. we talked for a little bit,  but that didn't last very long. I didn't even finish my full drink before we were making out and I was feeling him up through his pants.  I wasn't even tipsy yet, but he had been drinking at his friend's house and it started doing coke once we got there, so I guess he was pretty…  I don't really know what the term for drunk and high at the same time is but I feel like there probably is a word for that.

 we went into his bedroom and for once ( an absolute miracle)  I didn't have to suck his dick.  instead, he went straight for putting it inside me. he didn't have any condoms, which is a really weird thing for somebody who's on that kind of a site to not have. I always tell people I'm not on birth control even though I am. better safe than sorry. he said that if we needed, we would just buy the morning after pill when we woke up. we didn't have sex for very long at all, probably like 5 minutes before he came. I don't know what's up with all these short-term guys recently. this is now twice in a row that I haven't cum During sex which is very strange for me. I normally cum so easily, but these guys just aren't lasting long enough to even get me worked up to that level.

 after that, he cleaned up where he had made a mess on the bed sheets and we went back out to living room. after a minute or so, he talked about how it would actually be better if I just went home for the night. I hadn't finished my whole drink, but I was starting to feel a little bit tipsy and a little bit paranoid that maybe I had accidentally breathed in some of the coke that had been left over and his mustache. still, there's no point in me staying if he didn't want me there and he had already paid me the $400 I'd ask for. so, he walked me down through the lobby past the security guard who had let us in the first place and I got my car and went home.

 my paranoia was even worse as I was driving home because there were so many cops on the road. Since at this point I was a little tipsy, and really thought that I might be a little bit High, I was extremely nervous the whole drive. I texted D---- that I was on my way home and a bunch of cops were following me. there was at least one right on my tail, but I didn't want to go any faster cuz I didn't want to give him a reason to pull me over. my registration is expired, I don't have insurance right now, my check engine lights on, and I was a little bit tipsy. even without the possibility of me having accidentally snorted some of that cocaine, it would have been really bad if he had pulled me over. there were several more cops just kind of hanging around us on the highway, going it just the right speed to where I couldn't lose them, but they won't passing me. they finally all exited the highway when I started to get out of Austin.  I guess they turned back to circle the area again. it was Friday night. they must have just been trying to fill a quota.  although, I did pass at least one more on the way home way outside of the Austin limits.

 once I was home, I was all snuggled in bed and getting ready to go to sleep when  M--- texted me again. he was talking about how he shouldn't have kicked me out, how he wanted to have sex again, how he wanted me to come back. on the one hand, I was extremely unsatisfied so I did kind of want to go back and have sex again, but there were just too many cops out and it was such a long drive. I told him that and that I probably wouldn't be coming back tonight, but maybe we could do something tomorrow. I also had just masturbated to satisfy that urge. I really don't understand why he kicked me out in the first place, but it doesn't really matter that much to me.

[turtlemagnum]

i think that if i were to be actually able to put together that game development studio i want, i'd just have it be completely over the internet, y'know. cheaper on me, and it's how i prefer to work, plus then i can hire people from all over the damn world, y'know. and honestly like, i feel like i'd need a fair amount of people in disparate timezones given my own erratic and mostly nocturnal sleep schedule. i also think i'd wanna like, have everything based off of a yearly salary and instead of based off of hours, it'd just be like, you always get paid a certain amount every weak no matter what.

this would only happen if i were to become obscenely rich, right? like, my first game becomes as popular as i could ever hope, and all of a sudden i have more money than i'd ever spend, y'know? i think i'd wanna pay my employees well, and also have them unionize. the payment plan i think i'd want would be like, 120k a year (i remember hearing a while back that 100k or so is around the point where you can stop worrying about money, and i think that that extra 20k would probably account for inflation and even if it comes up short, it's nice to have that extra money, y'know), and if you do the math that'd be 2.5k a week, or 10k a month, and i think that's more than enough to live off of imo. and on top of that, i think i'd wanna have yearly raises across the board that goes up with inflation, y'know. oh also i'd wanna give everyone literally the best health insurance i can buy, i'd want literally zero copay and i'd want everything covered. gender affirming care, vision and dental, elective surgeries, the whole 9 yards, ya feel me? and also i'd wanna just make it so that i'll cover whoever you want, i feel like if you care about somebody enough to want them on your health insurance, they matter enough to you for me to care too

all of this comes at the cost of that sometimes, i'd hire goons to just make programs that i personally want. like aside from the Core Games I Wanna Make, i also want like. i wanna hire goons that make emulators exactly how i want them, i have an idea for a messaging app that i think would be cool, i wanna do the overall design to ensure usability for video editing software, photo editing software, i wanna make something that'll put adobe out of fucking business y'know.

there's less so a point to all of this and moreso just idle musing for my desire to make the world a slightly better place and also get cool shit i want along the way, so eh

[sunnywalnut]

Nobody really realizes how labor intensive art is, even the "simple" stuff.

My mother is a therapist who works in an office and this past holiday, she wanted a door decoration.

It wasn't until two days before that we were told of this and then, she told me that she wanted me to do it for her.

Putting aside the fact that I am disabled in multiple ways so I need at least a week of wiggle room for planning, getting materials, and everything else, she wanted everything to be 3D.

The pattern that she chose?

Olaf and Sven. From Frozen. Because it was "easy"

3D was "easy"

Where was I supposed to find gigantic sticks that aren't prone to rot in the middle of winter?

One panic attack later we settled on a 2D drawing on poster board.

I spent two entire days on this project that I didn't even want to do but it was just thrown at me because it would be "fun" and I wasn't given an option to say no.

Even when I'd be given compliments about it, it was always about how it looked like it didn't take me any time at all because I was SO talented.

And I don't deny I'm talented!!

But two days of work, bending over this gigantic piece of poster board that I've had to paint, piece together, and find out how it works all without knowing the dimensions of the door it was supposed to go on, where the handle was placed, or literally anything else, it was definitely not my best work!! And it still took over five hours (in it's entirety) to finish!! Without being paid!!

And before anyone gets on me about "being paid"

Those five hours I spent on that thing for my mom that I wasn't even happy with could have been spent on actual commissions!! I get those!! But it seems like everyone forgets that the moment anything artsy comes along because it "seems like something fun you could do"

It is fun.

When I have a choice.

So to all the people that have artist family members, please remember:

-we are not machines. What looks like "easy" work to you is multiple hours of research, collection of materials, and planning. Not to mention actually doing the work you ask of us.

-ASK US!! More than likely, we'll say yes!! But we also have busy schedules and things we need to do just like everyone else. If you have something you need by a certain date, tell us. We'll probably try to work something out with you. Whether it be us doing it for you, giving you somebody else who can do it for you, or giving you an easier way you can do it yourself, we'll almost always try to give you something rather than nothing. Especially if we're family.

-WERE. NOT. MACHINES. Things take time and WORK. While sometimes payment isn't mandatory (depending on who you ask), it IS appreciated!! Especially if it's not a "quick" thing like a simple doodle. A lot of things are harder than you assume. So DON'T ASSUME.

-PLEASE. Please please please PLEASE keep your compliments about quality. Pick out a few things you like, like the color, the shape, or something similar about a piece. We don't want to hear about how "easy" something looks like it was because of how "tAlEnTEd" we are. We know we're talented. It doesn't mean it's easy to be talented.

-Keep your requests reasonable. Nobody's going to be able to finish elaborate pieces within a day or two. And everyone you see that can is almost always getting unseen help. Whether it be other people like interns, or friends and family, or somebody else entirely, nothing of quality is ever made cheaply. We are not machines. We are people trying to make a living. Don't take advantage of us.

-and lastly. Don't always assume that you're the exception. Whether it be from payment, or importance in scheduling, or literally anything else. Way too many times have I felt pressured to say "yes" to something I knew I couldn't do right away just because the person asking was a family member. It's different when your family members are children rather than adults like your parents. Just because your artist family member might say yes to one person but say no to you does NOT mean they hate you. It means they understand that people have different needs. Please be understanding of that.

So many people assume so many things about art of multiple kinds and practices but hardly ever ask because of multiple things. Maybe they feel judged, or trust that the artist knows more, or, like my mom, just assume that we find everything fun. If you don't know, just ask. Asking is often times more important than being right.

[auntcunty]

OMG YOU HAVE A CHONCES TATOO WHY? I mean, your body your choice but I would never ever put something about this game ON MY DAMN SKIN

No hate, just really shocked

LMAO like if it was any other book besides Endless Summer HELL NO but I'm a huuuuuuuuuge slut for time travel and friendship!! (I've honestly considered getting more time travel theme tattoos like from Back to the Future, Bill & Ted, Best Friends Whenever, etc.) I've also been playing Choices since the beginning so I read ES as it came out over 2 years, so I got a lot more attached to the story and characters than I would if I had binged it.

Aaaand in case my love for the story waned in the future I did decide to choose a design that was more on the generic side! Whenever a rando asks me about it I just say "it's a spaceman" "why?" "cuz I like spacemen" instead of having to be like "hey who's that random cartoon white guy u have a portrait of?" "MY HUSBANDO THAT I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN A TIME LOOP"

[giorno-plays-piano]

Vicious

Part VII

Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, mention of blackmail, all characters are adults.

Words: 1864.

Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

________

You wanted to slap yourself. What the hell was wrong with you today? Why did you tell Peter that?!

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” Completely baffled with you behavior, you were deeply ashamed, unable to look the guy in the eyes and wanting nothing but fall into the earth.

“Ah, I got it. It’s Steve, isn’t it?” All of a sudden, Peter let out an irritated sigh, rolling his eyes skywards and rubbing his neck. “Of course, who else would say such nonsense. Blackmail, really? Funny he didn’t call me a stalker or anything.”

“Listen, I didn’t mean it, I’m really-”

“It’s ok.” He closed the locker, slamming its door loudly and making you jump. “It’s not your fault. If I heard that from somebody, I’d be scared too.”

He spent a couple of seconds staring into the wall until he rubbed his neck again tiredly and huffed. It took him less than a minute to regain his composure, and you heard him murmuring, “What a freak.”

He didn't return to the corridor, heading to the sports hall for his PE class, instead moving to the bench in the locker room and motioning you to sit. Feeling terribly awkward, you hoped he wasn't going to do anything out of anger, even though he had every right to be upset at your stupid behavior.

"About what he said," Peter took a deep breath, "it's nothing like that. I don't dig up some nasty stuff in the web to blackmail people. I've never done it. The reason why Mr. I-am-better-than-you said that is because I've made him take me into his little bodyguard group when I heard him talking to Loki. You're nice, and I wanted to help. Of course, Steve started acting like I was some creep, so he refused, and I had to remind him that, technically, he had to report your issue to the administration, not play a hero. I said that if I go and tell the whole story to the dean, Steve's gonna be in trouble because he knew who thieves were and didn't report them."

It was a loud off your mind. Goodness. Rogers called this a blackmail? Really? Just because Peter pushed Steve into taking him into their group?

You were less and less sure Rogers was sane. You definitely had to be careful around him.

"I can't believe he called it a blackmail." You admitted quietly, and the guy sent you a tired smile. "Peter, I'm so, so sorry. It was so stupid of me."

"Nah, don't worry. I'd freak out too if I didn't know the whole story."

You knew your apologies weren't enough, but you hoped Peter didn't take it to heart - if you can take such an accusation easily, that is. Shit, shit, shit, why did you believe everything these guys were saying? You didn't even know them in the first place! Why on Earth did you go asking them their opinions on others if all of them were biased, and every guy could twist the truth the way he liked? You shouldn't have let their words affect you that much.

"Whatever. At least now you know what Rogers is like." Peter sent you a grim smile and got up, picking his bright yellow sackpack from the floor. "Shit, I gotta go if I don't wanna be late. Let's meet in a library later, alright?"

"O-of course." You hurriedly stood up and left the lockers room after him, turning to the library: your Lit class was cancelled, so you decided to go study right away. At this time, the library was usually full, and you felt safe there.

Your thoughts were all about the guys again even when you were staring at your laptop, trying to focus on Excel numbers. Why did you feel like the atmosphere between them was so dense? If they were at such terms with each other, why did they group together to help you? What, because all of them loved you so much? It was ridiculous. There was something else to it, and you didn't know. You had a feeling no one was going to tell you the truth until you figured it all out by yourself.

Weird. It was all so weird. Steve's plan, their behavior, the relationships between them, and your nagging feeling they all were hiding something. Was it them who were actually following you?

The thought scared you to the point you started shivering. Oh shit.

"Hi there," the guy appeared behind your back so suddenly you almost jumped, looking at him wide-eyed, "sorry, did I startle you?"

"H-hi Jake! No, it's ok, I was just... studying." Both of you were talking in hushed voices, knowing the librarian would kick you out immediately if she heard some noise. "How are you?"

"I'm great, how're you?" You could hear concern in his voice: he was one of Thor's friends you met yesterday, and although you spoke briefly, Thor definitely told him more about you. "You look a bit worried."

"Oh, it's Math, I didn't really understand the topic, and we're having an exam on Monday... guess I'll be studying the whole weekend." You gave him your best smile to reassure you were totally ok, and the guy relaxed a little, smiling at you, too.

"I'm sure you'll pass. Thor said you're very smart."

What, he said that to all of them? Was he simply boasting about his girlfriend to his friends or was there something more to it?

"You're too kind. Thank you."

His smile grew wider, and he landed on the next seat to yours, resting his hands on the table. Apparently, there was something he wanted to talk to you about, and you grew uneasy.

"Listen, about these incidents... Thor told us all about it, so if you see any freaks following you around, you can message any of us, and we'll come right away." Looking at his serious expression, his bushy brows furrowed, you hoped he eas being sincere with you: you had enough with people you could no longer trust. "And also... that kid, if he's giving you troubles or anything, just let me know, and I'll tell him to keep his hands to himself"

Oh, he was talking about Peter, wasn't he? He had probably seen that silly photo. Wow, you though, Peter was totally right about Instagram: it was the best news source in the academy.

Thanking him for his concern, you laughed a little, convincing him there was nothing serious except for the theft and promising to tell him if anything weird would be going on. While it should have made you feel safer, in fact, you only grew more frustrated with this situation. You wanted to forget about these freaks and just spend you day like any normal student would, but everywhere you went people were staring at you as if you had a horn; one boyfriend or the other was always close to protect you from some unknown danger, and although you believed they tried to help, you hated the feeling they were hiding something from you. Why did you have to be going through all this? Wasn't it really better to drop off school, spend a year working and then apply to a better place?

Thinking of the faces your parents would make once you returned home, you realized it wasn't. This school with all those creeps wasn't worse than home that never felt like a safe place you wanted to come back to. Besides, all money you saved up until now were only good for buying food and things like that: you'd never afford to rent a decent place unless you found a well-paid job. It meant staying with your parents, and it wouldn't be much better than here, just different. If you wanted to drop off, you had to find a good place to stay.

Well, you could at least try, right?

When Peter met you in the library, the two of you no longer talked about anything important, simply studying together to prepare for the exams next week. It didn't feel off: from time to time you met his gaze, and the both of you smiled. You were thankful he didn’t talk about Steve or other guys or that weirdo in the lockers room.

Once you returned home, you went straight to bed, completely exhausted. Luckily, you did much more than yesterday, so you could rest now, but then you thought of Thor kissing you and bit down the pillow, angry at yourself. Why did you keep thinking of him right now?

______________

When you woke up the next morning, you felt like something was off: your body ached, your throat hurt, and your headache was only making it worse. Dammit, you caught a cold, probably. And that’s when it was finally the day to meet Steve, the guy you thought was a mastermind behind all these manipulations that were making you sick to the core. 

Anyway, it’s not like a mere cold would prevent you from doing everything you had planned. You left your bed and went to the bathroom, moving the dresser before again. 

Honestly, it felt terrible. It was definitely because of that flimsy dress you wore to school yesterday when the weather was becoming chilly. Argh. Watching your puffy eyes and swollen nose, you sneezed. Today you had to apply way more makeup to look decently.

Steve showed up earlier than either Thor or Peter: you had to skip your breakfast, hoping to buy something cheap in the cafeteria.

“Good morning.” He said with his everyday polite expression that soon shifted into a concerned one. “Are you alright?”

What, was it that bad? You did your absolute best to apply enough makeup and do your hair. Did you still look so sick?

“Good morning. Yes, I’m ok, just feeling a little sleepy.” You yawned on purpose, covering your mouth with your hand, and Steve’s face softened.

“Did you study all night?”

“Yep, exams are driving me a little crazy.”

“I understand. I also stayed late last night.”

Of course, the student council president studying all days long to be number one student in the academy. If you didn’t know of his twisted nature, you’d think he was the most typical nerd.

You spent most of the time either in silence or talking about studies, the academy, and everything related to it. Steve acted like a gentleman and a scholar, albeit a little too demonstratively. Walking with you as if he were a king of the place, he constantly replied to greetings of others, waved to his acquaintances and smiled. You felt so off you wanted to find Loki and walk with him: unlike Steve, he was considered unpleasant by the prevailing majority of students.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” America golden boy asked you for the last time, and you forced yourself to smile.

“Of course. Thanks for coming, see you later, Steve.”

As he finally left you in peace, you almost fell down into your chair, your fever only getting worse despite the fact you took some painkillers. It was going to be a long day.

_________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki   ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherub @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @sarge-barnes-sir @buckybarnesplumwhore @jaysayey @megzdoodle @gotnofucks @lux-ravenwolf @ximebebx @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sourpatchspinster @biiskuitx @stupendouslovegardener @iheartsebandchris @lovelydarkdaydream @soleil-dor @illyrianprincess @vampirestrawberries @goodgodimaweirdperson @frontmanash @freya-heya @yandematic @mariatietacapitu @d3monslust @maybesandohnos @ibeatuptwinks @mangobangi @nectav @whatever-happened-to-the-ducks

[pedaleuse]

Bikepacking The Hebridean Way - Part 1 - London to The Outer Hebrides

This trip had been a long time in the planning. During the summer of 2019 I ordered the OS maps so I could plan my trip there; not knowing that in a few months the world would shut down because of the Covid-19 Pandemic! So when you've thought about a trip for such a long time and finally have the chance to do it, you're not going to let anything stand in your way! Least of all a headwind! How about 6 days of headwind? Or 10? Hindsight might suggest we probably should have replanned the route and explored some other, more sheltered, parts of the island but plan continuation bias being what it is; we continued. For the best...mostly.

Our plan was to get the sleeper from London Euston (a short ride for us all) and arrive in Upper Tyndrum, some 60km from Oban and our ferry to the islands, refreshed after a nice night's sleep. Again...hindsight.

What we hadn't realised was that the train is actually two trains until you get to Edinburgh Waverley where it splits into two with one half going up to Aberdeen and another half heading towards Fort William. As we checked in a rather confused staff-member exclaimed "Oh, you have bikes! You'll need to move them at Edinburgh!" This was the first we'd heard about this and after some rather confusing information they wrote down on the passenger manifest "Wake at Edinburgh to move bikes" in pencil next to our names. So, we headed to bed not entirely sure such a foolproof system could be relied upon.

We'd also set our alarms for just before the scheduled arrival time in Edinburgh but it turned out we didn't need them anyway. A loud banging on my cabin door roused me from my sleep of around 30 minutes, by this point. I heard a voice shouting "QUICK, THE TRAIN IS LEAVING! RUN!". Now, having had around 30 minutes of fitful sleep on a clattering train and then being told to RUN sort of felt like a Crystal Maze challenge but as instructed we ran, bleary-eyed and bouncing off the walls of the train corridors like pinballs to the bike storage compartment; only to find it now blocked off and the part of the train containing our bikes pulling away from us! We pressed the button to get off our stationary train and the doors were locked! Eventually the RUN-guy sauntered over and unlocked the doors. Thankfully the other part of the train hadn't moved much so we sprinted down the platform to grab our bikes but couldn't get onto this part of the train because, again, the doors were locked. We saw two staff members sitting on that train and asked them to unlock the doors; one attempted to use only mumbled words through a soundproof window while the other one angrily waved us away. Eventually somebody arrived who could unlock the doors. We rushed on board, grabbed our bikes, and then RAN back to our part of the train. However none of this was for any reason, as it turned out. The Aberdeen section was leaving earlier than our section but they had yet to connect our carriages to the engine (and bike storage) and we had ages to wait so we were stuck on the platform at Edinburgh Waverley at until nearly 5am waiting to get back to our cabins we'd paid £250 for...so we spent £22 of that ticket price sitting on the platform, tired and confused.

Around 5am we did get back on board and I settled down for a restful hour or so's sleep before we arrived, delayed, in Upper Tyndrum. This meant that instead of 4 hours to cycle the 60km to Oban for the only ferry of the day, we had to smash it in less than three hours.

I'd spent some time the previous evening planning and loading routes so it was perfect timing that at this point that my Garmin died.

Most of the route from Upper Tyndrum is an A-road although mercifully it's a gentle downhill. I'd not like to do it in reverse though. The last section was beautiful but by that point I was focused on an meter-square section of road in front of me, lads on my wheel, chanting "WE WILL MAKE THE FERRY...WE WILL MAKE THE FERRY...".

Arriving in Oban with enough time for a quick coffee we made it to the ferry but it was much warmer and sunnier than I expected and I had long tights and a warm jersey on so I was fairly cooked by the time I got there.

But we loaded up and settled down for the 4h45m ferry crossing to Castlebay on Barra which was blissful. Calm, watching dolphins, and having a cold beer!

The start of the Hebridean Way is officially from Vatersay so we stopped off at a local Co-op (we'd be seeing a lot of these during the next few days) and pitched up next to the beach.

The weather was absolutely beautiful really; bright sunshine and although quite a bit of wind we were in a sheltered spot. We weren't to know then that this would pretty much be the last sheltered spot of the ride. Usually the Hebridean Way is ridden south to north (the way we were riding it) because the prevailing winds are from the south, but a large high pressure system which was bringing us the clear, sunny weather was also bringing northerly winds. Winds we would become all too familiar with.

Seeing cows in an adjacent field, we pitched our tents on the foreshore, on the other side of the fence. Smart move, we thought. What we didn't realise is that the cows walked along the foreshore each evening and so we had a herd of vaguely confused cattle walking around us as we went to bed. Cows aren't known for their killer instincts but from experience they are able to trample an entire camp including metal pans absolutely flat. So we kept watch as they wandered past.

The next morning we'd start the ride!

Read: Part 2

[invalid-request]

Okay so I just made a realization that'll hopefully improve my social skills in the future.

Basically, this dude I kinda have a little crush on was working in the next department and I needed to ask him a work-related question. I was a little nervous, and I could have just looked around and found somebody else, but I decided that would be silly because he's just a person and I was just getting information for work, not anything personal.

So I went up to him and asked him in the most sterile, "just business" way. I didn't want to disturb him with my potentially-objectionable personality, just a simple question which he could never find unacceptable because he's a worker paid to answer exactly such things. I was an inoffensive robot requesting data.

You can probably see where I'm going with this. I was kind of surprised when his answer to me actually did include a display of his personality. The idea immediately clicked. I totally could have showed some personality then, even though it was work and not personal. In fact, that's often when friendships are made — when you're actually doing something else, like work, school, or hobbies. It would have been one small way of him getting to know me.

Looking deeper, I didn't just want to be inoffensive, I didn't want to be vulnerable. Showing personality means exposing feelings and opinions (typically not directly, but through tone and body language and such). People can disagree with opinions. People can invalidate feelings. I'm sure this can be traced back to the way my mother constantly criticized me to justify her own contempt, leading me to just believe I was unacceptable, just in general, as a person.

Luckily for me, I know exactly what to do about that vulnerability. Create more backup plans, like I've been doing in other areas of my life. Whenever I feel like I'm scared to risk losing something, it comes down to not having a backup plan. What would I do without them? I need to get comfortable with whatever it is I would do without them. Even if that means being alone. But often it just means finding a replacement. Having backup plans means I'm not desperate and I can walk away from things instead of taking abuse.

Anyway yeah, it would have been much better if I'd showed some personality when I asked him. If it somehow offended him, I could have just found someone else to ask. If he somehow made me feel invalidated on a personal level, I think I could be strong enough to remember that he's just one person, and plenty of other people think I'm valid. (I know, I should be able to validate myself, but... one thing at a time.)

[yourdailykitsch]

Your blog is phenomenal. You are just wonderful and incredibly informative That Interview magazine article just wrecked me, what a truly beautiful and sensitive soul Taylor is. Do you happen to have the entire article? I'd love to know more as I am completely lost and new in the world of fandom. Thank you for your time and all your efforts in promoting and sharing your love of Taylor.

Thanks for the blog love! Always love sharing Taylor information with new fans. 

The Interview Magazine article is probably the most he’s ever opened up to date. Sometimes he’s super guarded in interviews and other times he really opens up. It’s interesting 

Here is the entire article, it’s long:

When I told a female friend I'd be interviewing Taylor Kitsch, the actor who broke out as the hard-nosed, brooding fullback Tim Riggins for five seasons on NBC's Texas high school football melodrama Friday Night Lights her jaw actually dropped. Kitsch's rugged looks - he's a former model and junior hockey player - and world-weary onscreen demeanor, often have this effect on women; another friend referred to him as a "classic hunk." But the 32-year-old British Columbia native possesses a surprising absence of vanity. Kitsch bought a home in Austin while filming FNL, and still lives there, ducking the Hollywood spotlight as much as possible. When I met up with him in New York, he wore a T-shirt and jeans to a luxury hotel lounge and asked if I was planning to "get some grub." He's remarkably grounded, with a ready laugh and a tendency to pepper his speech with the word fuckin'. The lack of pretense shows in his latest effort, the gritty drama Lone Survivor, which happens to be Kitsch's third collaboration with director Peter Berg (after FNL and the big-budget action pic Battleship, 2012). Based on former Navy SEAL Marcus Luttrell's nonfiction book, the film, which co-stars Mark Wahlberg, Eric Bana, Emile Hirsch, Ben Foster, and Alexander Ludwig - depicts a botched 2005 mission in Afghanistan. Kitsch playsLieutenant Michael Murphy, one of four SEALs drastically outnumbered by Taliban forces. The protracted gunfight at the center of the movie is unsparing, graphic, and hyper-realistic, but Lone Survivor surrounds it with moments of unsentimental tenderness among its band of brothers.Lest you think Kitsch is only interested in stoic roles as athletes and soldiers (he was also a Civil War veteran transported to Mars in 2012's John Carter), he's subverting his image with upcoming turns as a gay activist in a TV-movie adaptation of the 1985 Larry Kramer play The Normal Heart, and as a doctor in the Canadian comedy The Grand Seduction. And he recently wrote, directed, and produced a half-hour short about small time criminals, Pieces, which he's planning to adapt into a feature. I sat down with Kitsch to talk about the movie, his time spent sleeping on subways in New York and his car in Los Angeles, and inevitably, how he reacts to his female admirers. (To my awestruck friend, and other aspirants: he's single - but read on for how not to approach him.)TEDDY WAYNE: I didn't really know the story behind Lone Survivor. What, other than Peter Berg's involvement, drew you to it?TAYLOR KITSCH: There's not a day that goes by that you don't think about it, really. [Marcus] Luttrell's become a great friend of mine now, and I was talking to him about it. It's not even the responsibility of just the performance or just the memory of Murph being part of the SEAL community - this is a torch I have for the rest of my life. How often in this gig do we get to have that, and want it? You didn't know of the book or the story, and now you're going to think of my performance when you think of Mike Murphy, and that's an incredible responsibility.WAYNE: How much of that is solely inspired by the real figure and how much of the work is purely fictional?KITSCH: I think so much of it is that it actually happened, that these guys are still out there doing it. When you meet guys who were buds with Murph, guys that fought right next to him, you really do see how much it means to them that the film's done right. You have the opportunity to be like, "Okay, let's see what I'm fucking made of here, let's see what I'm capable of doing," and training to do it.WAYNE: So what was the training?KITSCH: There's a workout called the Murphy that he created when he was in the SEALs. It's, like, a mile run and then a hundred pull-ups, 200 push-ups, 300 sit-ups, then another mile run, with a 40 - to 50-pound weighted vest. Some guy claims to have done it in under 30 minutes. I couldn't get there. I was under 35, which is a fucking insane time. I was in the best shape of my life.WAYNE: How about the weapons training?KITSCH: We went to Albuquerque. We had guys who had fought with Luttrell to teach us the weapons systems. And that's live fire; it's not like standing there and just shooting at a target. They call it bounding, and all these other things these guys do as a team. Murph was the leader of the guys, so he's making the call, and you really do see it kind of seamlessly int he film. When he makes a call of "peel right" or "peel left" or "get on line," it's those things that the SEALs fucking love. We got the technical part of it.WAYNE: Was there any improv?KITSCH: Absolutely. Some of this funnier stuff - when I'm in the hide with Mark [Wahlberg] talking about a girl and a Coldplay concert, that was roughly scripted and we just went with it, and Mark is fucking on it. That guy has endless energy, he's quick. Pete would call cut, and the whole crew would burst out laughing. Or we would even have a bit of a camera shake because the camera guy's dying, you know?WAYNE: You were a junior hockey player in Canada before you injured your knee at age 20. Do you feel like you were on the path to professional hockey?KITSCH: Yeah, at least semi. I was hopefully going to go on a scholarship and turn pro. If I even scratched the lineup, it would've been fourth line, up and down from the minors, but, I mean, a minor career was a dream as well.WAYNE: When that injury happened, was it clearly career ending?KITSCH: In retrospect I think it was career ending. But at the time, it was that denial of, "fuck it, I'm gonna recoup it." But then I recouped it, and my first game back it blew out again.WAYNE: So what were you thinking in terms of life plans?KITSCH: Oh, it's over. I was devastated. It really is close to art simulating life in the sense of what FNL was - if you wreck your knee, that's it, everything is gone. Obviously it's not; it's a blessing in disguise, but at the time I remember my best friend came and took me off the ice and I was a wreck. My mom was in the stands and she was a mess, and then I was in the dressing room and I refused to take my gear off. I just knew the second time I did it - like, buddy, uh-oh.WAYNE: So did you do any acting by that age?KITSCH: I loved it. I always grew up winning all these public-speaking competitions in school.WAYNE: Did you move to New York soon after the injury?KITSCH: Yeah, at 21.WAYNE: I read that you were, at points, homeless and sleeping on subways - is that true?KITSCH: It's true. Only for a couple weeks. It wasn't like I was walking around with a grocery cart. I didn't have a visa; I couldn't get fucking work. I wish I could've waited tables. I was taking classes for free with my acting coach, Sheila Gray - she's been amazing, and so I finally paid her back after the first movie I did - and then I just ran out of money. I was staying at my best friend's place. He sublet a bedroom in a big family house, and I was sleeping on his floor, then I wore that out, and I leased a place up on 181st Street in Washington Heights, pretty fucking sketchy area, and I couldn't get electricity because, one, no money, and two, I had no Social Security. So from that best friend, I would take his girlfriend's blow-up mattress and use candles. And then that wore out, got kicked out of there, and I would go back to my buddy's place, and at midnight or whenever, he wanted to go to bed, I'd be like, "All right, I'm gonna go stay at" - make up somebody's place - or a gal's place or whatever, and then that ran out. [laughs] Quite literally. And then I'd sleep on the subway until 5:30, 6 in the morning, and I'd go to the gym and work out for god knows how long and have a shower and just loiter.WAYNE: And you were also a model at this point?KITSCH: Yeah, but I was completely out of work. Didn't work, really. And I was living in a spot that they give you, and by the time you get a job, you owe them so much back end that you're in debt anyway, so then I left that because that was just stupid to just keep building debt.WAYNE: What was your first big break?KITSCH: While I was homeless, I met my manager through one of the guys at the modeling agency. She's like, "Yeah, I'll take a meeting, whatever," just being nice to him. So I had a meeting, and 10 minutes in, she's like, "Okay, I'll take you on." Then my first reading - still homeless - I got but I couldn't do because I didn't have a fucking visa again. So I stayed and studied more and then I moved away to Barbados to work with my dad and dig ditches, and that was the most time I ever spent with my dad in my life on a one-time basis. I made like, 6K. Then I bought a little - it's called a Firefly or a Chevy Sprint, which is like a 12-inch wheel hatchback car that lives on fumes. It'll go forever, and so I bought that when I got to Vancouver - moved back - moved down to L.A., sublet a room for two months. That money ran out, and then I lived in my car.WAYNE: So you had two homeless stints. And both times you picked the transportation choice of the city you were in - subway in New York, car in L.A.KITSCH: Yeah, that's a good point.WAYNE: You need to be in a seaside place for a while and live a few months in your boat.KITSCH: I know! I was super-angry one day in L.A. - my car's a piece of shit, and then the front window wouldn't go down, and so I'm screaming at the handle, forcing it down, the window shatters, and it's the bigger one, 'cause it's a hatchback. So now I'm fucking homeless and I got a plastic bag with duct tape. So I stayed over at my best friend Josh Pence's place, and I'm like, "I think I'm gonna go home," and his mom overheard it, and she's like "You're not fucking driving 23 hours to Vancouver with a plastic bag," and so I went to the junkyard and got it replaced for, like, $75.WAYNE: I thought she was going to say, "No, you should stay here and fulfill your dreams," but she was just making sure you got a new window.KITSCH: [laughs] Yeah! When you're doing it, it's not like, "Oh, man, I'm really paying the price." You just did it. I'd go to Trader Joe's and get a big thing of cottage cheese and brown rice cakes, like, four bucks - that's all I'd eat. And I'm a nutritionist, so I'm like, that's probably the best bang for my buck. I've got protein, carbs..."WAYNE: You start doing the protein-price ratio. Split pea soup is good for that, too.KITSCH: Yeah, garbanzo beans-WAYNE: Tuna fish.KITSCH: Yeah, the cans, that was New York. The Sunkist cans?WAYNE: Starkist, right? But it should be Sunkist - just drinking Sunkist orange soda all day long.KITSCH: [laughs] Yeah, have diabetes at 25. So she gave me the money, I got the thing, drove from three in the morning till midnight, straight. Back at home with mom and then my first or second reading was Snakes on a Plane [2006]. Got it. And then The Covenant [2006] and then Friday Night Lights.WAYNE: In the first few episodes of FNL, Riggins seems to be a secondary character.KITSCH: He was. I was told he wasn't gonna last.WAYNE: What happened? People started responding to you?KITSCH: Yeah, I guess. Whatever it was, people clicked to me, and the studio loved him and what we were doing with him.WAYNE: Most of the humor comes from Riggins off-the-cuff moments.KITSCH: Yeah, the dry humor that Riggins has - that's mostly improv. I played hockey my whole life. I was just hanging out with a bunch of pro-hockey players who were good friends. Calling everybody six, seven, two, zero - that's Riggins. Calling that whole apology on the field, all of it was made up on that day of.WAYNE: You mentioned digging ditches with your father was the most time you ever spent one-on-one. You were raised by your mom for the most part?KITSCH: Yeah, for the most part, with my two bros. I'd see my dad every Christmas for the most part growing up, but he left when I was one-ish, and then I'd spend a couple weeks over Christmas with him. I remember going fishing with him; I remember snow-mobiling. I remember him carrying me around on the ice because he played hockey growing up, too. I remember those flashes, and I don't know if it's made up in my head - but I do remember blips, and being super pumped that he's letting me, at 6 years old, rip on the open lake in the snowmobile.WAYNE: Riggins didn't have a father around. Not to get too precious about it, but did that inform the role?KITSCH: Absolutely. I had no doubts when I was going to play it. It just felt super-organic.WAYNE: Do you see your dad more often these days?KITSCH: No, maybe once or twice a year. Not even. I haven't seen him in years. I've stayed in contact via e-mail, but I don't reach out as much as I should, I guess, but I don't have that - this may gut him, but I don't have that...where I'm like "I want to know what's going on," or "Why did you..." My brothers and I talk about it a lot but - and sometimes it's joking, you know, but...I think it's affected them more, especially one of them a bit more, just because he was older - he was 8. And my mom was with an older guy, and he was a super-sensitive man, and he connected more with me than either of my two brothers. So I think I got a lot of that sensitive part that allows me to be that kind of actor through him. My mom and he split up when I was 12, and I wanted to go live with him, and then I would still go spend weekends, neither of my brothers would, but I'd go spend a weekend with him as much as I could. And he was getting older, and I was not conscious of that either, and then my mom told me he'd died not long ago - man, and it was shitty that I couldn't have reconnected before he did, because it had been five, six, seven years from the last time I saw him. And he was just the softest soul.WAYNE: You live in Austin now. What were your thoughts when you first got there for filming FNL?KITSCH: I didn't even know where Austin was. Quite literally, I'm like, "We're going where to shoot this fucking thing?"WAYNE: You thought it was Boston? "Massachusetts Forever."KITSCH: [laughs] Yeah, totally! Which doesn't have the same kind of tone does it? And Austin was like nothing what it is now. It's, like, the fastest-growing city in the U.S. now. But I bought a place end of second-season, and that's my place now, just a little 1,000-square-foot condo.WAYNE: What's your life like there?KITSCH: I golf a lot. I'm in a men's hockey league. I've made some great friends there. I'm on my motorcycle a lot. Kyle Chandler [of Friday Night Lights] lives there, so whenever we can make time, we'll go on these long rides together. Had a great gal there. Southern belle.WAYNE: "Had," you said?KITSCH: Yeah, it's been tough lately. You never know how it's going to turn out. But I was with her for years.WAYNE: And she was from Austin herself?KITSCH: From Corpus [Christi]WAYNE: How did you meet her?KITSCH: Through my stunt double. He's like, "You gotta meet this gal; she's ridiculous active." She's a yoga instructor now, but she wasn't when we met. But just a super-sporty Southern belle, you know? Great.WAYNE: I don't want to embarrass you, but I told a female friend I was interviewing you, and she was momentarily stunned. I feel like male actors don't often discuss this, but does it ever get almost boring, or do you ever feel objectified if women respond this way? I mean, it's a good problem to have, but is there ever a point where it's like, be careful what you wish for?KITSCH: You're conscious of it. I mean, I'm never going to be like, "Oh, this attention from women sucks." It's flattering 99 percent of the time. After the premiere screening in L.A., there was a young woman, beautiful, mid - to late, twenties, and you're pretty crushed after this movie, it hits you hard, and I was talking to a guy who had served. All of a sudden this girl comes up and she's like, "Hey, I just gotta say this movie was this-and-that, but that fucking scene of you walking down the hall [in which Kitsch is shirtless]..." And then it inevitably went to, "What are you doing later tonight? Can I give you my number?" I kind of took offense to it. That's the one shitty experience out of it, but it's still flattering. Out of every thing in that fucking movie, that's what you took?WAYNE: Is dating a non-actor much more appealing to you?KITSCH: Absolutely. I mean, it's hard because you're all in or I'm all in, and I become super-myopic with work and kind of shut everything else out, and I don't know anything different because that's what's gotten me this far, so I live a pretty unbalanced life. And it's tough because the gal can't really relate in that sense. It doesn't mean she's not supportive, but that part of it wasn't relatable. She didn't understand, "Oh, okay, this guy's gonna be off the grid basically for whatever it is."WAYNE: That'd be tough no matter what.KITSCH: Yeah, it is, but if you're dealing or dating another actress or whatever who goes through that same process, then maybe they might have a bit more acknowledgment of it.WAYNE: But you seem pretty divorced from the Hollywood scene. You're not tabloid fodder that much. How do you safeguard your privacy?KITSCH: Austin helps. No Facebook. If anyone ever thinks I'm on Facebook or Twitter, it's not me, for the record - it's never me.WAYNE: But you are on MySpace right?KITSCH: [laughs] Totally.WAYNE: It sounds like you've preserved your lifestyle pre-acting, pre-fame as much as possible.KITSCH: I try. When I'm in L.A., I'm with one of my best friends, who's an actor coming up, and it's good to have that dialogue. In Austin I don't have that a lot. So that's one of the downfalls of being in Austin, if there is one, that I don't have another couple artists to bounce shit off. It's great to decompress, but it's tough because it goes from a hundred miles an hour living this fucked-up lifestyle to you're in your apartment, dead silence, and you're like, "Oh, what do I do today?" I guess I go for a coffee by myself and just read a couple scripts or something.WAYNE: You're doing a couple different movies this year - The Normal Heart, The Grand Seduction. Far different from Battleship and John Carter. These are more in an indie direction.KITSCH: I was always on that track, from The Bang Bang Club [2011], which is one of my proudest things I've ever done in my life. And that's kind of my personality, too. I'm going to keep swinging for the fences. I'm not going to play another Riggins - that's done. I can go and now try and disappear into Normal Heart. I was just talking to Ryan Murphy about it, the director, who took a fucking leap of faith with me to go and play this, another true story - that's a bigger risk than what John Carter was, because if you don't go in there and nail that role, this could be a fucking career-ender.WAYNE: Do you have any ambitions beyond acting?KITSCH: I wrote and directed a short [Pieces] that Oliver [Stone, who directed 2012's Savages] has seen, that Berg has seen, that [John Carter director Andrew] Stanton has seen, all the producers of John Carter have seen, and I just got two to four million bucks to make it into a feature. So I'm going to hopefully write it in January, February. Pete's mad for it, and Pete will tell you - man, he'll fucking rip it in half - but he's been incredibly supportive, so hopefully, I'll go shoot that in Detroit and Texas.WAYNE: Can you see yourself transitioning at some point to someone who directs, like Peter Berg did?KITSCH: Absolutely. I'd be fucking stupid not to be taking notes from a Stone or a Berg. The way I direct is open. I want to empower you as an actor, and when you're not on track, I'll tell you, but when you are, I want you to fucking just go with it. And so I cast Derek Phillips, who played my brother in Friday Night Lights - he's unrecognizable in the film. And then my best friend in L.A. [Josh Pence], whose mom gave me money for the window, he plays the other guy in the short.WAYNE: Would you ever do an over-the-top comedic role?KITSCH: I'd love to, it's just got to be the right one. When I work, I take it super-seriously, but when you get to know me, man, I'm not - I laugh as much as possible. Growing up, I was that guy at school getting kicked out of class every day to make someone laugh. Voted funniest guy in the school twice.WAYNE: Just twice? What happened the other times - you finished second?KITSCH: [laughs] Yeah, totally! Last. The jokes didn't hit that year. I was off.