#no matter HOW MUCH i wish 3rd party had a chance it literally never will and that's BY DESIGN

[mrpinchy]

Thanks for throwing third party voters under the bus like that, loooooooove to see it.

not sure which post this is about but 3rd party voters aint doin anyone any favors so you're welcome i guess

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Heyo! This has probably been asked before, but is there a rec list for non-slash fics? Thanks :)

YES!! Okay I was LITERALLY setting up a new Platonics list because I’m working on cleaning up my offline lists on this beautiful Sunday, and WE’RE DOING THIS THING because it’s SUNDAY and I’m in a great mood because it’s sunny out, and I want to share more lists than normal because I CAN’T QUEUE ANYMORE, LOL. 

Check it out, Lovely!! :D

PLATONICS / BROMANCE / FRIENDSHIP Pt 4

See also:

Platonics and Domestics

Platonics & Domestics Pt 2 / Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 3 / Tooth-Rotting Fluff Pt. 5 / Love Confessions, Slow Burn & Dev. Rel. Pt. 2 / Established Relationship Pt. 3

Platonics / Bromance / Friendship Pt. 3

Smut-Free Fics Over 50K (Aug 2019)

And When The Night Is Over by Simply Isnt On (K, 329 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Platonic Bed Sharing / Not Slash) – Sherlock and John sleep together.

Dinner With John by Zang Bluetterfly (T, 505 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance) – "Let's have dinner, John." Sherlock secretly smiled. Irene had been right: he had rejected her dinner's invitation because he already had John by his side, even though the doctor was still clueless about Sherlock's true feelings for him.

Do You Love Me? by whitchry9 (K, 641 w.,1 Ch. || Friendship, Family, Epic Bromance) – John asks Sherlock perhaps the most important question.

Sleep Tonight by Jenn1984 (T, 1,220 w, 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Bed Sharing, Worried Sherlock, Sick John, Hugs/Cuddles, Touch Neediness) – Fingers begin prying open his jacket looking for a wound and John would really like to swat at them. No, he's not hit anywhere, he's just damn sick.- John Watson has a fever.

A Better Fate Than Wisdom by flawedamythyst (G, 1,339 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, John’s Sexuality Crisis, Pining Sherlock, Happy Ending, Fluff) – Nearly four hours pass between their first kiss and their second.

You Should Have Let Me Sleep! by theraggedypond (T, 1,542 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Sleepy Sherlock, Cranky Sherlock, Domestics) – After a three day case with no sleep and hardly any food, Sherlock is recovering from it by playing comatose. John finds out what happens when you wake up London's favorite consulting detective.

Happy Birthday John by Starlight05 (K, 1,580 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, John’s Birthday, Shopping, 3rd Person POV John) – When an important date comes up, Sherlock finds himself doing something he never has before - shopping! But will he succeed and manage to get his best friend a present?

Santa Knows by Itsallfine (T, 1,719 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas Party, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Matchmaking, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock and John both get exactly what they want from the Yard's secret Santa exchange. Pure holiday fluff.

Fascination by xLaramiex (K, 1,959 w., 2 Ch. || Friendship, Cranky Sherlock) – Ch1: John returns home to find Sherlock sleeping on the sofa. At least, he thinks he does. Ch2: Once again, John is forced to abandon his food to trail after Sherlock. He doesn't even know why.

3:00 in the Morning is a Great Time to Talk by Aztecwarfareandcrumping (K+, 1,775 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Bed Sharing, First Person POV John, Cuddling, Worried Sherlock, Comforting John, Platonic Affection/Love) – "Are you trying to talk your way into my bed?" "Obviously."

The Stranger by LaKoda0518 (T, 1,844 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Fluff, First Kiss, For a Case, Mysterious Madman, Lonely John) – John Watson is standing on the platform waiting to board a train to his sister’s after being invalided home from Afghanistan. A chance meeting with a mysterious madman turns his world upside down and changes his life forever.

Baskerville After Dark by Ttime42 (T, 1,921 w., 1 Ch. || THoB, Friendship, Humor, Bed Sharing, Missing Scenes, Cranky John, Cuddles) – John and Sherlock have to share a bed at Baskerville. Gen, but can be preslash.

The Perfect Place by SilverSmile (K+, 1,955 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Romance, 5 and Ones, Fluff, Experiments, Bed Sharing) – Sherlock attempts to find the perfect place to sleep, but his little experiment proves to be far more difficult than expected.

Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt by satanatemycat (T, 2,107 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Texting, Bored/Cranky Sherlock) – In which John makes a bet with a co-worker. If he wins, she shuts up about him and Sherlock being a couple. If he loses… well, that doesn’t matter, because he won’t lose. Because he and Sherlock ARE NOT a couple. Right?

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John's bedroom is now a research library. It's not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They're friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it's not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It'll be fine.

Insomnia by TheSingingGirl (K+, 2,635 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Humour, Bed Sharing, Sleepy Sherlock) – Sleep is merely the next frontier in what has become the battle to keep Sherlock alive. It's because of this that John ends up in bed with a sociopath.

It's Just Another Birthday by Vintage Tea Party (K, 3,207 w., 2 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Sherlock’s Birthday, Sherlock 3rd Person POV) – When John makes a birthday cake for Sherlock he thinks its an innocent enough gesture. But nothing is ever normal with Sherlock and this isn't just another birthday.

Breakfast, acronyms and brotherhood by Rose de Sharon (K+, 4,074 w., 1 Ch. || TBB Fic, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Fluff) – Set after The Blind Banker: my take of Sherlock and John's conversation over breakfast. S/J friendship, bromance, no slash.

Human Body Pillow by Lunavere (K, 4,122 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Five and Ones, Sleepy Johnlock, Bed Sharing) – A story about the five times John fell asleep on Sherlock, and the one time Sherlock fell asleep on him.

When We Sleep by PrincessNala (K+, 6,660 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TGG,  Alternating POV, Bed Sharing, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Hurt/Comfort, Hugs) – Sherlock needed to feel every beat of his heart, every rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. It was the only way to completely assure himself that John was alive and right there next to him, and not dead, no, never dead…

Made for You by Raxicoricofallapatorious (K, 8,440 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sci-Fi, Androids) – When John was shot in the shoulder he was decommissioned and his memory and personality was wiped. Sherlock was given the blank droid and he quickly learns that this droid is more than it seems. John just so happened to come back and no one can fathom how or why. Johnlock if you squint.

Five Times Sherlock Realized He Was Getting Older by Mildred Graves (T, 9,215 w., 6 Ch. || Five and Ones, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Getting Old) – . . . And one time it didn't matter.

Sherlock's Sleeping Habits by Cumberbatch Critter (T, 11,424 w., 16 Ch. || Friendship, Sleepy Sherlock, One Shot Collection, Fluff, Domestics) – In which John learns about Sherlock's sleeping habits. Series of unrelated oneshots featuring the one and only ADORABLE Sleepy!Lock! Fluff abounds.

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w., 8 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn't count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn't It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w., 4 Ch. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy/Bored Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock's forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don't worry, things'll be fine in just seven days.

[daincrediblegg]

As Time Goes By (1/2)

Pairing: Arthur Fleck x Co-worker!Reader Word Count: 1803

Author’s Note: Lmao so I’m deadass 3 days late with this, but I got inspired for it literally on New Years Eve, and it’s been running away from me ever since (mostly ‘cause I actually came down with a pretty bad infection, and now I’m apparently allergic to the antibiotic the doctors gave me for it. It’s not been fun the last few days). Here it is now in its final form (split into 2 parts for my own sanity and yours), and with it, I thank you all for coming in at the butt end of 2019 and playing a big part in saving my ass. All your fanfic, all your art and acceptance of mass mutual love for this boy, and whether you’ve reblogged and liked or commented on my art or what little writing I’ve done or even my dumbass tag meta, I’m incredibly humbled and screaming about it literally all the time, and I love you all. Hope to talk to more of you in 2020 to keep the clown love going strong, and I’ll see you all very soon for part 2 ;)

Arthur hadn’t really believed it when he’d been invited.

In his 33 years of life he had hardly ever been invited to anything. Birthdays, Christmas parties, dinners, drinks. If he had been offered any of these occasions, he’d often be forced to turn them down. He could justify to himself that he’d hate to leave his mother alone on any given holiday (let alone any day, with how poor her health was), but deep down, he felt the gesture empty. If he went, he’d be no more than he already was- an invisible man. Nobody to talk to, nobody to really celebrate with despite festivity cascading all around him. All because nobody really wanted the freak there anyway. Why go to all the trouble when he could be far more comfortable at home alone instead?

But when Gary had approached him one sunny Gotham winter morning as he was buttoning his golden vest, and said that the rest of the guys were planning to go to a bar on Nolan and 3rd to celebrate the New Year, he actually thought about going.

He was sweet to do so. Always nice to him. He’s sure the other guys wouldn’t think to extend such a courtesy to him, let alone want to. He knew what they thought of him, and frankly he didn’t think too highly of spending more time with them either. He was ready to make his usual excuse- that meds needed to be picked up, that his mother needed tending.

But it was four little words that Gary had said- soft enough and potent enough to make him reconsider.

“She’ll be there too.”

His eyes find her almost immediately, and Gary’s eyes follow- by the vanity, where she tugs down her wig to cover her hair- bright red spun yarn, dressed in a pair of braids. Her fluffy underskirt poking out a brilliant white under her blue polka-dot dress as she leans closer to the mirror. 

She’s lovely. Always has been. In and out of makeup. Always wishing him a good day, laughing at his jokes. She even asks for them- on days when she drags her feet up that long staircase, tired eyes hoping all the more that whatever he has for her will do the trick that he loves best- a smile, no matter how soft, and a chuckle, whether it leaves her chest or not. Anything is enough for him. 

He knows he’s going, deep down. He knows it surely as his heart starts thudding against his fragile ribs just a little harder as she smoothes her hands down her plush skirt.

“I-... I’ll think about it.” he concludes softly.

“All right. I hope you will. It’d be good to see you there, mate.”

They share smiles- genuine ones, before Gary gets back to his locker, dragging out his own jacket and wig. Just then, he sees a flash of pastel blue flutter past him, and his eyes flit up to her face, full of warmth as she waves a gentle goodbye to him. 

“Have a good day, Artie.”

Chills shoot up his spine in a rush. A hit of joy. An impossible wish, but one spoken true all the same. He wonders if there’s invisible cherubs behind him, stabbing him with arrows. 

Arthur lifts his hand, wiggling his fingers weakly as he smiles back at her.

“Have a good day…” he repeats. 

Her smile gets wider before she turns her attention to the dwarf next to him. 

“You too Gary.”

“And you!” he shouts after her, as she finally picks up her bag and trots down the stairs. He knows his eyes aren’t the only ones on her when she leaves, but he hopes that his eyes are more important than most. 

“How come she never tells me to have a good day?” Randall quips with a shrug. Gary rolls his eyes as he turns to him in reply. 

“Maybe because you’re an arse-hole.”

He laughs at that. Neither the laugh he pushes out of himself for courtesy, or the ones that force themselves out and choke him. He laughs for real, and he knows he’s going.

He has to.

His mom is nodding off, thank God. 

She’s been fed, and they’ve watched a bit of the Live Gotham New Years Celebration coverage on TV- Murray Franklin, hosting- from her bed. The lights are out, save for the soft blue glow of her TV, and it’s just enough of a sleeping potion to start putting her under. She always gets like this, in truth. Out cold long before the night really has a chance to even begin. It’s a blessing, really. Especially tonight. 

Because it gives him plenty of time to get ready. 

Sure, he doesn’t have much of a choice in what suit he wears- the only one he owns being a deep maroon, a hand-me-down from the last decade. He can’t decide how to style his hair (though he’s bathed, he’s at least managed that much, for her), whether to slick it back or keep it casual, all he has in the way of cologne is something cheap he got from the drug store on his way home from work the day Gary invited him, but he’s got the spirit. For Her. And it seems that today, it’s enough.

He gathers the necessaries from the closet before he leaves his mother to sleep, switching the tv in the living room onto the special while he prepares, dabbing the cologne to his wrists and neck, wiggling his spindly legs into his suit pants on the couch. 

Just then, as he’s buttoning up his fly, the brief commercial break ends with a quick jazz sting from the band- moved all the way downtown just for this occasion. He watches as the comedian approaches a couple. Arm in arm in the snow and smiling like they’ve won the lottery. Murray quips of how happy they are, about his own relatively new wife and how it won’t last- all in good humor. But he can’t register any of it. 

All he registers is the way the woman’s hands move around that man’s waist. He feels it himself. On him. Faint. A warm hand wrapping around him, just under his jacket, grazing over the deep blue sweater he’d dragged on this morning to go to therapy, fitting so neatly in the space between his hips and his ribs. It’s uncanny. It feels just like her.

And for just a moment the couple on the screen is gone. Replaced by another, far more handsome than the last.

Him and her. Together. Happier than the thousands of handmade smiles they paint on themselves with rich pigments in cheap grease. Hers is particularly divine. Her cheeks rosy as they lift fully to accommodate her joy. It makes his heart want to break his bones, leap right out of his chest, into the palm of her hand of its own accord. 

And they remained that way. For hours. Gotham’s imposing buildings shrinking beneath the way they look at each other, hold each other close and not just for the inevitable warmth her body brings to his. And at the stroke of midnight, he pulls her impossibly close, cupping her face when he kisses her, the cold air melting away under their shared warmth as confetti falls around them with the snow. They even get on the kiss cam. 

Gotham sweethearts. And everyone knows it.

He smiles, as the saxophone slowly pulls him out of reverie. The chilling blue light of the tv washes over him, and his hand pulls itself agonizingly from the spot it found across his abdomen, feeling his rib sticking out in his laid-back position. Murray, bundled up in scarf and woolen coat, speaks loud and clear into his microphone over a cheering crowd, ever the professional. 

“Well folks, this is it! Not much more than an hour left until the New Year! Pour some Champagne, and get your sweethearts close, and we’ll be right back after these messages.”

Panic washes over him so fast he almost tumbles over the coffee table trying to get up off the couch. 

He’s late.

Quicker and more lithe than a cat high on their nip, he tugs his sweater off, buttoning up his clean white dress shirt as fast as he can- praying he didn’t skip any buttons, or that he improperly tied his tie. 

“Happy? Where are you going?” a sleepy lilt calls from behind him.

He almost yelps, but before he can he turns to see his mother, leaning against the hallway, looking like she could pass out again right then and there. Leaving his waistcoat not fully buttoned, pulling his suit jacket on, he strides over to her and supports her sleepy form, starting to try and lead her back to bed. 

“I’m meeting some guys from work for a drink.” A half-lie, as they reach the bedroom door. Enough to not make her question why he’s dressed to the nines and the strong and heady scent coming off of him - discount eros from a bottle. She hums a little “oh”, mulling over what she should say in response. He doesn’t give her the chance. 

“I’m sorry Mom, I forgot to tell you.” Another half-lie, but it completes a full truth for her, letting him keep the solitary thought of her all to himself, even for a little while longer. 

A look of unnecessary worry strikes across Penny’s face.

“You shouldn’t drink, Happy. It could mess with your pills. And you know I don’t like you being out this late.”

He winces at that. Guilt hitting him like needles prodding his veins. It isn’t much, but it’s enough to hurt. That she doesn’t trust him to leave and make it back in one piece. That she doesn’t trust him to know himself. 

That she doesn’t trust him.

But she can’t dissuade him now.

They reach the door to her room, and they both slink in. He lets go of her once he’s sure she can make it the rest of the way to her side of the bed by herself, and swipes up his old hoodie draped over the corner that isn’t hers.

“I’ll be home by next year, I promise.” He purses his lips with a playfully disarming smile for her. She gives him a breathy chuckle of acceptance, and sits back on her bed again, pulling up the covers as she does. 

“All right, Happy. Be careful.”

He nods, tugging the hoodie over his suit- trying not to wrinkle the sleeves as best he can.

“I will, Ma.”

He blows a kiss, and before she even has the chance to give him one back, he’s picked up his wallet and keys, and he’s out the door, locking it behind him.

[dysperdis]

tw: traumablogging, talking about suicide & abuse, sexual trauma.

I need to get this shit out, in one big chunk, before I lose track of it.

I keep wondering why the fuck Beru decided to spend so long treating me like shit. Do they just hate me? Was I just a convenient target? Did they realize they'd let their mask slip in front of me & decided I needed to go? Why did the abuse start so immediately? 

Beru basically started moving in within a week after I said it wasn't fair of the two of them to jump straight into the "overly-obsessed new couple" stage of a relationship without so much as a heads up to the other two people involved with this relationship, long before I had any inkling that they were actually already fucking by that point. By week 3, the complaints were pouring in about how "unwelcome" I was making Beru feel by, say, insisting that they tell the other people living in the suite when they're going to spend the night before putting on their pyjamas and setting up on the couch, or letting me know to make food that Beru could eat without taking over the single bathroom in the house for most of the evening (& of course, they "didn't want to make extra work" by saying anything when I was asking them to simply let me know before I started making food!), or literally any frustration I expressed over my boundaries being ignored, all of which were delivered to me by Monica, not Beru, but very clearly as a result of Beru's complaints. I wasn't allowed to set any boundaries; I could be lying half dressed in my bed with Monica with the door shut having a conversation & Beru would invite themselves not just into the room or conversation, but *into my fucking bed* without so much as a word to me. These violations were constant, and at the same time I was pressured into doing more to facilitate the relationship, including chauffeuring the two of them around so they could go to Beru's apartment (did I mention yet that Beru lived alone, and could have been inviting Monica to visit them instead of invading my only available workspace & telling me that wanting to work there made me an asshole?)

The "sleepovers" happening at random most nights a week over that summer were undermining my ability to do any work for the upcoming events I was paying for table space at, space I shared with Beru because I wasn't confident of my own ability to fill a table & thought a "friend" might be able to help. I was explicitly told that wanting to work in the living room overnight for creative work when no one else was awake to use  it was an unfair attempt to monopolize and dominate the suite's common space. Even after I asked Beru to spend time away from the home  because I felt like the lack of boundaries was incredibly unhealthy for me, I still felt obliged to facilitate the relationship in ways that continued to deny me a chance to set any sort of healthy boundaries because of the previous months spent harping on how "unfair" I was being by expecting Monica to prioritize the relationship she was still referring to as her "Primary" relationship & the health of the partner she was calling "husband" over the happiness of her continuing affair with Beru.

I'm pretty sure I paid for 100% of all the tables, including the Canzine table Beru had entirely to themselves because I knew if I went I'd end up pulling out the zine I made to vent about how stressed I was about everything going on, and all of the gaslighting I was starting to notice even then but let myself ignore. I don't know if knowing the answers to any of this would help me, but it probably would help Monica, if it's not another thing she already knows and has been trying to deny while everything burns around her. But I'm not sure if I can ask without my bitterness making it sound like pure pettiness. I kinda wish I had gone to Canzine and taken the zine & let it all blow up then, I would have felt bad about it afterwards but I doubt it would have been anywhere near as terrible as I've been feeling for the last 2 years, but I  wasn't willing to toss 6 years away for someone who only inserted themselves into our lives so substantially a few months prior.

When I told Monica about my discomfort, that I couldn't have this person involved in my life, she acted like she understood. She made a new friend during this time, and started visiting them "going out for coffee" a lot. She kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't worry about giving her a ride, and finally she admitted that it was because she was still seeing the person she had cheated on me with, and pressured me into agreeing that it was "incredibly unfair" to demand she either stop cheating, or stop pretending to respect our relationship. She told me she wanted to work on our relationship, while targetting my insecurities to convince me that expecting honesty and respect for my boundaries was abusive, and that I was overreacting. Throughout this time, I was gradually scheduling my life more and more around when Beru wanted to see Monica; the solution Beru, Monica, and Liz decided on for "letting me get Beru out of my life" was to continue seeing Beru while never mentioning their name, or giving me details I needed to know how to schedule my own day-to-day life. If you ever wanted to know how someone could participate in abuse without actually directly interacting with them, well, there's you're answer- you continue as a shadow presence in their life while your fellow abusers take all the direct action. And, every time the subject came up, Monica didn't actually want to break up with me, and agreed to "work on things" (tell me how I needed to forgive her & stop ~getting in the way of her happiness~, but also maybe planning 2 or 3 "date nights" with me before getting distracted & falling immediately back into the same habits. At some point, she started using the insecurities she had learned about me thru the years to start convincing me that I needed her, and that I wouldn't be able to survive without her. She knew exactly what fears to prey on, and I believed her. Meanwhile, Monica had a whole new circle of friends, who Beru has been telling that the reason I can't stand to be around them is jealousy or some shit. I thought I was imagining the distain in their voices when they realized I was there, but no- Beru has been telling lies to them about me, and Monica is too concerned with them liking Beru to intervene, so now she's surrounding herself with people who don't like me and are enouraging her to dislike me.

As for Liz, she pretended to be a neutral party throughout, shutting me down any time I tried to bring up concerns about the effect Beru's shadow presence in my life by telling me "she's Beru's friend, too" so it was inappropriate to talk to her about it- even when I had literally just tried to kill myself for the second time in 4 days. I had long ago noticed that Beru seemed to get upset any time word got back to them about me complaining about the various issues I had with their relationship with Monica & the implications of my own & that when that happened, Monica started taking it out on me; between that and a desire to "protect" Monica- who was slowly but surely picking up a lot of Beru's cruelty and boundary issues- from judgement because a) she was the one who was doing most of the direct harm, even the stuff that was clearly initiated by Beru, and 2) Beru has a bit more social padding to protect them (a cutesy autistic dfab enby vs a recently-transitioned trans woman with a history of ~scary~ mental illness DXs). So I stopped talking to friends about my issues. I'm not going to go into details about the boundary issues except to say that being surprise face-fucked the first time I tried to give head at 14 by a dude who was loudly disappointed I didn't swallow is no longer the most traumatic sexual violation I've experienced.

Meanwhile, Monica (and to a lesser extent, Liz) were encouraging me to distance myself from my last remaining safety net outside of that garbage fire of a relationship because the idea of coming out to anyone in my family made them uncomfortable. So, instead of dealing with it, they turned anything that involved me interacting with my family at the house for more than 5 or 10 minutes into a sign that my boundaries with my family were still too weak, and I needed to make them stronger. I needed to not talk to my elderly grandma because of how stressful it was for me (mostly because I kept having scramble to come up with more lies about so many details of my own relationship, because being honest with someone who had no way of outting them to anyone they'd care about even if they were inclined to do so was too uncomfortable.)

By the end of the relationship, when Liz walked out the door with less than 24 hours actual notice of her move out date (and no, a single spoken sentence a week before to a person who was between back-to-back suicide attempts, trying to keep track of a 3rd person in the convo who was bouncing rapidly between mania and an extreme suicidal state, and also on T3 & a bunch of antibiotics with harsh side effects does not fucking count, no matter how much she pretends otherwise,) someone tried to get me to see her side by asking me if it didn't make sense that she was avoiding actually giving me anything that resembled a reasonable amount of notice because she felt "awkward" talking to me, and I fucking snapped.

Maybe if she had sucked it up and had one or two of those "awkward conversations" a little earlier, I wouldn't have needed to ask her to hide the pills so I didn't go through with the plans I had made to kill myself that night (I was literally double checking my math on the dosages when she got home). Instead, she pretended to be a neutral bystander in her own relationship, while taking advantage of my subservience and inability to set boundaries in most situations. Most of the private time I sought out with Monica ended up including Liz because I felt I wasn't allowed to say no to that, either.

I was accused of driving away my support network by calling out Liz and saying that any other abuse apologists who wanted to defend Beru to me could piss off with her, but I strongly disagree. Considering Liz part of my support network was a dangerous mistake that could have gone much worse, if she had decided to stay out a little longer or something that night, or had snuck to her room without me noticing (a common occurrence, I had taken it as a sign that I was still taking up too much space by existing in the common spaces of the house.)

Basically, all three of them were fucking awful to me over the last 2 years, and used any negativity I displayed about the situations they were putting me in to beat me over the head, telling me how "unfair" I was.

[retphienix]

Credits are rolling as I type because I saw fit to forego capturing since I didn’t REALLY do a live playthrough on the blog and instead just showed off moments here and there.

Just wanted to say, that was damned good.

It gave off such a dnd vibe to me and since I’ve yet to indulge in that truly it was a nice romp.

But seriously, what an awesome game with even more potential if more were to come in the series. Phenomenal writing and a very simple but ingenious gimmick of making magic simple but full of potential since it interacts with the elements and environment. A+ stuff there.

Did get a chuckle out of the ending slides surrounding a CaC gaining divinity basically just sliding the camera onto the same image 6 times where it clearly would be different slides if you used a default character lol.

What to dwell on...

Combat in the game was phenomenal! But it’s funny to me how it ended up in MY party.

Since I made the grave mistake of letting all the companions maintain their default classes I ended up with a rather eclectic combo and my OWN stubborness lead to me sticking to that for the most part.

Beardy as a full on warrior in the vein of my old WoW character. He ended up being a friggin’ godsend to the team since I ended up going more physical damage than magic (but still a 2/2 split team count wise TECHNICALLY).

Going heavy in 2h weapons and stength just resulted in him tearing everyone apart at a moments notice all while having his hand on that idol of resurrection so I could literally never be too risky with him. (A touch of a difficulty equalizer in some cases and complete nullification in other instances sadly)

Beast ended up molded to straight hydro for heals all while wielding the biggest shield I could manage at any moment and stacking con/int. He was bulky, sure, but didn’t really abuse that much and instead spent every battle freezing everyone with freezing blast and rain, or saying screw it and using blood rain with his torturer perk so everyone bled while he spammed heals. It was effective but mostly just CC.

Fane was the second MVP if not total MVP? Beardy really did the most all said, but Fane? A Necessity At All Times.

He was holding the second idol, though rarely needed it (neither did Beardy to be honest, but still).

Fane went all in on summoning, and aero as his secondary for when he ran out of spells etc.

His incarnate was insane through this run, I love how summoning can honestly give you either a huge physical damage output buff or any element you please. His summoning is why my 2/2 split party ended up leaning heavy on physical, because it made more sense to abuse a physical incarnate’s output than to constantly grab a water one (for restoration magic and water damage) or fire or whatever else.

Having powerful shock spells was nice too. But mostly he summoned and then buffed his summons. I INTENDED to stack some poison related spells on someone for healing him, but Fane ended up going the entire game after act 1 without healing outside of bottles and he did just fine. God that sleeping bag or what have you is op for out of combat and who needs healing in combat when you have an insta-rez on death and tons of damage going out.

Oh and by the end I decided to spend like 144k on a ring with 1/3rd the magic defense on it because he permanently poisoned him. So that was nice.

Sibelle did fuck all the whole time.

Which is rude to say, sure, and you’d be right to say that. I ended up enjoying Sib’s character and she did put out some nice burst damage in physical form at the start of most fights.

But I never gave her a chance and it shows. (in terms of build).

She joined as a worthless rogue with no invis or survivability and dual wield burst being her only tool, and instead of fixing that with some invis or survivability, I said “Sure, Sib. You’re a lethal assassin. Tell me how that works out.” and she proceeded to spend like 60-70% of the fights in the game face down in the pavement because after her initial burst of damage she’d die and I couldn’t be arsed to care.

She lived the final fight just fine though, go figure. She didn’t go down once and actually pulled her weight for more than just the first round. How novel a concept, Sib. Maybe next time grab some other talents outside of just scoundrel and dual wield.

What a self burn where I say I stubbornly made a bad character and it’s their fault. lol

Speaking of those idols real quick, it cracks me up how the one fight I completely botched was saved by them. When I ran into the paladin leader in the basement I decided to take him out since I heard he was with the black ring prior. I killed HIM just fine, but the rest of them were 2-3 levels above me and were rough as all hell.

Eventually it was Beardy, alone, in a corner, surrounded, and after like an hour of combat he finally fell. Everyone de-aggro’d. He rezzed with the idol. And I calming rezzed my team and walked out having killed the only person I needed to (and a couple extra). That was an amusing moment.

I love how the game would occasionally, with a straight face, do the most fantasy trope things possible and it felt FRESH since no one would dare do them today.

Things like trolls guarding bridges and a lot more I’m blanking on because of the credits rolling. I just appreciated that and found it really fun.

Credits just finished so I was reminded of the gift bags and what a damned shame!

When I first read up on them it was through a video showcasing how they can break the game etc A vid I’m sure someone would be aware of it they were aware of the subject matter.

Apparently at one point you could use them whenever to change and add features and still get credit for achievements/trophies etc. But that changed at some point so all these interesting gameplay tweaks are just sullied by you not getting credit for stuff.

Sure, that’s dumb of me to imply, but you know I’m right. No matter how much we fight the implication that trophies matter they still do to some degree. I, for one, like scrolling through them as a sort of list of past exploits, I even get some nice memories from doing just that, but activate a bag and you don’t get to write down that achievement.

Meaningless, sure, but enough of a dissuasion to prevent me doing it :/ For now at least. They really are a list of fun features to toggle! But why I harp on it is that some seem like 100% quality of life and nothing else and you still can’t use them without it disabling trophies :/ Things like “Sprint” for moving about the world faster, lord.

Achievements are such a stain on gaming, I swear. For a hundred reasons, and for making some like myself in this instance AVOID fun because we don’t “get credit” oh fuck off trophy. If you didn’t exist I’d have had more fun, hence why going back to play older titles that don’t have them is such a pure joy.

Bleh. I play into it AND hate it.

Anyways.

What’s there to say. Divinity 2 was a blast, I do wish for a more refined one later on but this was such a unique experience none the less.

Roughly 110 hours of gameplay (minus AFK time I do in damn near every game so I’ll say it was like 100 hours) and I’m left too speechless to say half the things that came to mind while playing. Darn it.

A+ stuff. I’m honestly still impressed that such a content loaded single player experience is ACTUALLY all that and able to do 4 player coop.

Sure it’s technically understandable, but in terms of what games, you know, generally do? That’s unthinkable to me. That’s the kind of thing that’s reserved for tabletop, hence my early mention of dnd. You don’t usually see a story driven things like this being coop on console- and if you do it’s lightly handled in a way where the coop player doesn’t matter. Like Fable 2 henchmen, or Fable 3 where the coop player might as well not exist and just shows up to do fights and follow the main player.

That’s the term.

Most coop rpgs have the MAIN player and then coop buds assuming they implement coop.

This game is more of a 4 MAIN players all at once situation and I’m entirely unfamiliar with that in gaming other than tabletop.

OBVIOUSLY this wasn’t too much of a big deal for my single player playthrough, but other than that it was almost always on my mind and lead to me starting 2 other runs with friends :) (that both pretty much died out because they both struggle to find time to play games as is so sitting down and coordinating 3 people for 2 separate coop runs of a 100 hour game wasn’t really happening- now I understand dnd groups pain lol)

Enough rambling when I admit I have lost all my talking points. Good game.

[seizeeachmoment]

Okay, here we go.  The Midnight Mass adventures.  Buckle up ladies and gentlemen.  

Okay first thing’s first:  the fact that we even went!  I asked my parents last year if we could go to Midnight Mass.  I had just switched parishes, found an AWESOME spiritual director, and was finally making my way back into my faith in such a personal way.  My spiritual director was saying the Mass, and I wanted that Midnight Mass experience.  Long story short, they said “no.”  This year, I mentioned it again at the beginning of the month.  Again, my spiritual director was scheduled to say the Mass, I now am close with many people in this amazing parish, and I wanted to enter into the Christmas season in a bold way.  I knew that staying up for the Mass after a busy day, and getting up at a reasonable hour Christmas morning would be hard, but my logic was that if I could do it for a party on New Year’s Eve, then I can do this for a celebration of the birth of my Savior.  So, I would mention it here and there, but I didn’t want to seem too pushy about it, because at the end of the day, I just wanted to be with my parents at the celebration of the Eucharist for Christmas.  It wasn’t until the morning of Christmas Eve that my mom told me that the decided to go!  I literally leaped around my kitchen as she told me the news, and was beaming from that moment throughout the rest of the day.  I literally sat counting the hours waiting until we got to leave.

We got home from visiting family and I told my parents I wanted to leave the house at 10:45, because the choir was starting at 11:15.  It took a little convincing, but they agreed.  We rested for a bit, and at 10:00 we all started getting ready.  I changed from my purple clothes that I wore for Mass earlier in the day for the 4th Sunday of Advent, into my white dress that I set aside for Christmas Mass.  Now, we are always the ones who say we are leaving at a certain time and who do not actually leave for another 30 minutes.  But we walked out that door at 10:48 on the dot, and my heart was leaping for joy. 

So now we are at the parking lot of the church and it is taking all of my energy not to go dashing into the church, but I wanted to walk in with my parents.  We got my favorite pew (3rd row center right) and I knelt down and all I could do was thank God over and over again for allowing this to be a reality.  At 11:15, the lights went dim, and the choir processed up the center aisle with candles singing hymns in Latin.  I felt like I was surrounded by angels, their voices were so beautiful!  No one spoke a word for the 45 minutes that they sang, except to join in the Christmas hymns!

Now, for the main event: the Mass!  The church was standing room only (could you imagine if it looked like that every Sunday?!) but you could hear a pin drop.  Everyone was totally engaged in what was unfolding in front of them.  I saw the priest crack the biggest smile at different points of the Mass, which filled my heart with so much joy, seeing how joyful the Lord had made his heart!  The Homily was the beginning of the end for me.  Now, I love the way this priest preaches on a daily basis.  But believe me when I tell you, I could FEEL the Holy Spirit RADIATING through him as he gave this Homily.  The energy and passion that he put into this Homily could only be attributed to the graces from the Holy Spirit!  Praise God!  It was as though God told him that this was the message he had to get across to the congregation, and the Holy Spirit provided him with every word he needed. Seriously, this priest did not skip a beat the entire time.  I wish there was a way I could listen to that Homily every day.  He spoke about Christ becoming one of us, knowing exactly what it is like to be human and vulnerable.  He spoke about allowing God into our “real lives,” and not just a distant idea.  He spoke about the “liar, lunatic, or Lord” concept, and how Christ truly was God incarnate.  He discussed how we tend to turn to earthly pleasures that only satisfy us temporarily in the times that we need to let God into our hearts the most.  He wants to know the depths of our hearts.  He DESIRES to know us.  He YEARNS for us.  He came to become one of us, to suffer for us, so that He could know us,and so that we could have the chance to spend eternal life with Him!  And then, He said the phrase that always destroys me: “We are worth dying for.”  Chills.  Chills went running down my spine as the words left his lips.  God loves us so much that He suffered the most excruciating and humiliating death, knowing that we would still sin against Him, just because He wanted us to be able to spend eternity with Him.  And, in addition to that, He gave us the Sacrament of Reconciliation so that when we do fall, we can come back to Him, who will be waiting eagerly for us with open arms!  And even more than that, just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, He gives us Himself in the Eucharist!  In the form of such a vulnerable and disposable piece of bread, so that we can be walking tabernacles!  He takes the risk of being tossed away and disrespected, just so we have the chance to be united with His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity every single day.  We just have to let Him in. We have to make Him a part of our real and daily lives.  We have to say “yes,” just like Mary did.  Mary’s yes did not make her life easier, but it did make her life BETTER.  That is what will happen with us, too.  “We were not made for comfort, we were made for greatness.”  God doesn’t promise to make our lives perfect and easy, but He does promise to stay by our side, not leave us as orphans, and to make our lives better.  We only have to say yes, and let Him in.

Well, after being left totally speechless, we entered into the Liturgy of the Eucharist.  This was it.  It was time to prepare to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.  I had gone to Confession the day before.  I was ready to go.  My heart was ready, or as ready as it could be.  The moment of the Consecration, and the Great Amen left a flutter in my heart that I couldn’t put into words no matter how hard I sit here and try.  The moment I held the Eucharist in my hands, and realized how vulnerable the Lord made Himself for me, I just knelt with my head in my hands and praised and adored Him.  During the Homily, the priest mentioned the moment that He fully accepted the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist.  When he mentioned that, I was instantly taken back to that fantastic moment in my own life.  Go figure, it was a moment involving my spiritual director.  Everything was coming full circle.  The puzzle was coming together.  And it was the longest line for Communion, giving me so much time to just be in the presence of the Eucharistic Lord, and give Him all of the glory.

As the Communion line dwindled, my stomach started going into knots.  I did not want this Mass to ever end.  I never wanted the experience to end.  I wanted to just sit in that church through the night with my Eucharistic Lord.  The priest began to give the final blessing, and I stood there, taking in every word.  The choir concluded the Mass during the processional, and the entire church was buzzing, fully on fire for the Lord.  I shook the priest’s hand on the way out, and we both had smiles that reached from ear to ear.  Everyone knew that this night was unlike any other.  No words were necessary.  We spoke the same silent language, all knowing that we were thinking the same thing:  how great is our God!

We drove home, and my parents said (more than once) that they were glad that they went.  In fact, they said it again today!  I went to bed last night feeling as though I was floating and that nothing could bring me down.  I cannot wait for Mass tomorrow.  I cannot wait to share these thoughts with the priest.  I cannot wait to receive my Lord in the Eucharist again.  I cannot wait to be in His presence, give Him my “yes,” and let Him into the depths and the messiness of my heart.  Praise God.

[sleepinglightt]

All

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My boy toy 
2. Are you outgoing or shy?I’m outgoing with most people, I’m only shy around people I️ think are cute 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My dad!! I️ get to see him on Christmas break :))
4. Are you easy to get along with?I️ think so? I’m really nice to pretty much everyone unless you’ve fucked me over or you’re not nice to me
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?Yeah 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Taking gender out of the equation, I’m attracted to people that have kind hearts and interesting personalities 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?I️ hope so 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My boy toy 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?My best friend 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?It’s literally just laughing emojis 
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?Playboy shit- blackbear Up in this- blackbear U- h.e.r. (BIG MOOD) Ivy- frank ocean Verbatim- blackbear 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?YES 
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?I️ believe in miracles, but I️ don’t really believe in luck 
15. What good thing happened this summer?Lots of good things happened this summer, but a lot of bad things also happened 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Yeah 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yeah, and I️ hope I’m right and I️ hope they’re nice to us if they ever come here 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Nope 
19. Do you like bubble baths?Yes yes yes 
20. Do you like your neighbors?My neighbors are old and kinda weird but they’re nice 
21. What are you bad habits?I️ bite my nails and I️ pick at my cuticles 🙃
22. Where would you like to travel?I️ kinda wanna go to like Iceland or something?? I️ think that would be kinda cool 
23. Do you have trust issues?Yeah, especially with men 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Going to sleep at night bc then I️ don’t have to deal with anyone or anything 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?All of it lmao 
26. What do you do when you wake up?I️ normally just try to go back to sleep but then I️ realize I️ have to go to school and I️ cry internally 
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?I️ like it the way it is I️ guess idk 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?Probably my best friend 
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Yeah
30. Do you ever want to get married?Yeah, one day I️ wanna get married and everything even though it kinda scares me 
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?My hair is so long that when I️ put it in a high ponytail it still goes to my shoulders
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Missy peregrym and Ellen page, final answer. 
33. Spell your name with your chin.Ao c (my name is Alex but that’s what ya get I️ guess) 
34. Do you play sports? What sports?I️ used to play softball, volleyball, and basketball but I️ quit a few years ago 
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?I’d rather live without TV 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yup 
37. What do you say during awkward silences?I️ normally make a stupid joke, and then instantly regret it 
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Let’s not go here lmao 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I️ like to shop at thrift stores, zumiez, and target I️ guess? 
40. What do you want to do after high school?I️ just wanna be happy 🤷🏻‍♀️
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Yes, I️ honestly give 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances bc apparently I️ love being walked over 🙃
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?It means I️ either don’t like you or I’m really sad and I️ have a lot on my mind 
43. Do you smile at strangers?I️ always smile when I️ make eye contact 
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Food
46. What are you paranoid about?Literally everything, I’m not even over exaggerating 
47. Have you ever been high?Nope 
48. Have you ever been drunk?Nope
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Not really 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?It was tie dye rainbow
51. Ever wished you were someone else?All the time 
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?There’s a few things, but the main one is not being able to stand up for myself and not speaking my mind 
53. Favourite makeup brand?I️ really love Anastasia Beverly Hills 
54. Favourite store?Target 
55. Favourite blog?Ummmm idk 
56. Favourite colour?Either yellow or dark green 
57. Favourite food? NOODLES 
58. Last thing you ate?I️ had hot Cheetos 
59. First thing you ate this morning?I️ had a donut this morning 
60. Ever won a competition? For what?I️ won a bunch of softball tournaments back in the day, does that count? 
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Nope
62. Been arrested? For what?Nope
63. Ever been in love? Yup yup yup 
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was literally like 12 and it was with a boy in a church parking lot and we went out to his dads car and he kissed me and our front teeth hit together it was “romantic” 
65. Are you hungry right now?Nope
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I️ don’t have very many tumblr friends ://
67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter 
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now?Nope
70. Names of your bestfriends? Briann, briann, and briann 
71. Craving something? What?Affection
72. What colour are your towels?They’re multicolored 
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?I️ sleep with literally no pillows. I️ know, I’m weird 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?I️ sleep with 1, don’t judge
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?Probably like 15-20?
75. Favourite animal?Dogs
76. What colour is your underwear?Burgundy
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Strawberry
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Dark blue
80. What colour pants?They’re pajama pants and they have lil dogs on them, super cute
81. Favourite tv show?The x files
82. Favourite movie?THE NEW SAW MOVIE IM OBSESSED 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?mean girls
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean girls bc I’ve never seen 21 jump street 
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Gretchen bc I️ really relate to her 
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory 
87. First person you talked to today?My boy toy 
88. Last person you talked to today?The day isn’t over yet
89. Name a person you hate?I️ don’t say his name bc he doesn’t deserve my time 
90. Name a person you love?I️ love a lot of people
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Not really? 
92. In a fight with someone?Nope
93. How many sweatpants do you have?I️ only have like 1 pair 
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?I️ have like 10
95. Last movie you watched?Jigsaw
96. Favourite actress?Ellen page
97. Favourite actor?Ryan Reynolds? 
98. Do you tan a lot?Nope
99. Have any pets?I️ have a dog
100. How are you feeling?Kinda sad, but it’s okay 
101. Do you type fast?Yeah 
102. Do you regret anything from your past?I️ regret A LOT of things
103. Can you spell well?I️m a decent speller
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Yeah :/
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Unfortunately 
107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yeah 
108. What should you be doing?I️ don’t have anything to do 
109. Is something irritating you right now?Yeah 🙃
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?YES
111. Do you have trust issues?I️ have a lot, especially with men and I️ answered this already 
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I️ haven’t cried in front of anyone in a long time
113. What was your childhood nickname?In softball they called me my last name but idk if that counts. I️ also got call “ghost” and “skeleton” bc kids are dickheads
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup :)
115. Do you play the Wii?I️ used to, but my wii broke 
116. Are you listening to music right now?Nope
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Yes
118. Do you like Chinese food?Yes
119. Favourite book?Looking for Alaska (yeah I’m basic) 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really, I️ just get really paranoid
121. Are you mean?I️ can be, only when you get on my bad side though 
122. Is cheating ever okay?Nope
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?Nope
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Nope
125. Do you believe in true love?Yeah 
126. Are you currently bored?Yeah :/
127. What makes you happy?Coffee and cold weather
128. Would you change your name?Nope
129. What your zodiac sign?Gemini
130. Do you like subway?Not really 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Like them back apparently bc that’s what happened lmao 
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Didn’t I️ already answer this??
133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Fuck on ur bitch like I’m Hefner” 
134. Can you count to one million?Probably not
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I️ don’t even remember honestly 
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Open, I’m not allowed to have my doors closed but it freaks me out and gives me anxiety 
137. How tall are you?5’6
138. Curly or Straight hair?I️ have straight hair but I️ prefer curly hair bc it’s really pretty 
139. Brunette or Blonde?I️ have a thing for brunettes not even gonna lie
140. Summer or Winter?Winter
141. Night or Day?Night 
142. Favourite month?December
143. Are you a vegetarian?I’m trying to be 
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?I️t doesn’t matter, it’s all great 
145. Tea or Coffee?Coffee
146. Was today a good day?Kinda? 
147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers
148. What’s your favourite quote?I️ don’t really have one
149. Do you believe in ghosts?Yeah
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? There are no books near me at the moment

[thedragonlover]

4. "i'm too sober for this" and 11. Dear diary wish you the best day!!! 🌻❤

aaaaaAAAAA THANK YOU

Evidence I can be a dumb: I reblogged that and didn’t even think about the fact that replying to asks about this would mean I’d have to post my writing on tumblr… is it weird that I got a little nervous? Considering I normally just write what I feel like and have uploaded lots of my work elsewhere.ahaha ignore meeee

I’ll write for MM because, hell, it’s cute and I feel like cute today okay not at all because you’re a MM blog and wanted a good chance you’d like reading what I wrote

just beware because I swear bunches and am writing this for giggles, and also I’ve never written for this fandom be gentle

4. “I’m too sober for this.”(Where MC isn’t paired with anyone, but you’ve still had the party and finally met the RFA face-to-face. Trying to avoid spoilers for anyone who hasn’t completed particular routes.)

.

It was a small get-together - just you and the RFA members meeting up for a nice celebratory dinner. It was a shame that V couldn’t make it, but he was grateful for the invitation. You were so relieved to have helped make the party a success, although you didn’t want to take a lot of credit. Everyone chipped in and put in so much hard work that, really, it made you proud to be a member of such a wonderful, kind of dysfunctional family.

Then you all sat down.

Zen got pretty defensive when Jumin commented on this “commoner establishment.”

This was a place that you had picked out, have some respect; don’t worry that it doesn’t meet his ridiculous standards, he’s just a stupid trust fund kid; babe, he’s calling me shallow, I’m too handsome to be anything like that materialistic bastard!

At this point, you were waiting for them to start pulling on each other’s pigtails to fuel all of the fanfiction people were writing about them. You very pointedly suggested seats that put them far enough to avoid physical violence. “No glaring at the dinner table.” They still continued to provoke each other, but at that point you’re glad they’re not making a scene.

No, you wouldn’t let Yoosung play a handheld at the table. Mostly because you forgot yours and wanted him to suffer with you. You said that talking with everyone can be fun too.

“Well… playing video games with everyone would be even better!”

For the love of…

“Especially when I wreck you,” Seven snickered, poking Yoosung’s face.

Of course he took the bait. “What?! No way, I’ll totally own you! Name the game and the time!”

“Mario Kart, an hour before your curfew, you cute widdle baby~” You hadn’t realized a person could literally talk in tildes, and then there was Seven.

“You’re barely older than me!”

Oops, maybe Jumin and Zen weren’t the only ones who needed to be separated.

You told them you’d wreck them both decided to be the adult here.

But, that’s right! Jaehee was here! This woman was a godsend, able to wrangle the most intimidating of business reports into submission! And she knew judo? Hell yeah! You could count on everything remaining under control with this badass at the helm!

…she looked so exhausted though. That’s right, it had taken a lot of convincing (both for her and Jumin) to escape paperwork hell. And you were going to enlist her help in babysitting all of these dorks? Oh, you couldn’t do that to this poor soul. Mama Jaehee needed a night off too.

“I don’t understand why we are eating here. I have chefs at home who would cook whatever dish you desired.”

“I swear, every time you open your mouth, I have to ask myself whether going to jail is worth it! It gets harder each time!”

“Ohoho, that’s what she said~”

“Seven, come on, that one’s not even clever…”

“Clever girl~”

“Don’t.”

Jumin was describing the fancier, more expensive lunch he had earlier that day with Elizabeth the 3rd. Zen was trying to ignore him, caught a waitress’ eye across the restaurant, and nearly made her run into a doorframe with a smile-wink-combo. Yoosung was “sneakily” playing his game under the table, and you let him because he promised to give you a turn. You didn’t notice Seven had stolen everyone’s napkins to make origami cats until his army was being sent to capture the entire table.

When your order was finally taken you asked if someone would drive you home later, and after being offered cars and a rocketship and even a piggyback ride, it’s Jaehee that inquired, “But, why do you ask?”

“I’m too sober for this.”

“Ah,” she responded. Then she added a drink to her order too. “Same,” she thought.

Zen is all for this development! “Well, you can count me in, babe. I just hope you don’t get too handsy with me, or I won’t be able to contain the beast…” Cue more winking.

Deadpan, Jumin responded, “Are you rabid? A beast that presents a safety hazard to society should be put down.”

“Wahh,” Yoosung cut in, “can we please not talk about putting down animals?!”

“Yeah!” Seven stood up. “Don’t! Talk about! Sad things! Around! The baby!” And he clapped for each pause, this man was a living breathing meme and there was no stopping him. So much for not making a scene.

As Yoosung argued about not being a baby, Jaehee accepted the wine glass handed her and downed it in one go. Zen was impressed. And he wasn’t going to be outdone, but then he started choking.

“Children,” she muttered.

“Yeah,” you agreed, an exasperated smile growing. “But they’re all my children, so.”

What a wonderful, dysfunctional family you had.

When Seven tried to ruin the moment with Bee movie quotes, you told them all, “But if you guys don’t cut the shit out, I swear to god I’m going to hang out with that Unknown guy because at least he seems to have some chill.”

“What the fuck,” Unknown blurted out, hiding in a nearby ficus.

11. “Dear Diary, …”

.

The moment you heard Seven start cackling, you knew you were going to regret inviting him over.

Regret turned to horror when he began, voice loud and singsong, “ ‘Dear Diary, today I actually cleaned up the apartment!’ ”

He was standing in your living room, on your sofa, with his shoes on, reading out of your personal diary, and you didn’t even care if you didn’t get away with his murder.

“ ‘But! Hold your applause! Because I also… put on people clothes! And I look pretty damn fine, if I do say so myself–’ ”

You lunged. He leapt over the back, whooping with glee. The chase was on!

Once you managed to convince him to skirt around the couch, you tried to leap over it just as dramatically, and faceplanted - thankfully on the cushions, but still, that hurt your dignity. And then he was sitting on your back, effectively preventing you from getting up and clobbering him.

“Seven! Get off!”

“ 'I hope you’re not a police officer, Diary, because I’ve got Fine written all over me!’ Aww, there’s even a little winkie face! Ooh, is that a list of pick-up lines I see? Were you waiting to use these on little ol’ me?”

“Seven, I mean it–”

“ 'You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.’ Ooh, that one’s old but gold.”

“SEVEN, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU–”

“ 'Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.’ Ah, I’m swooning! Take me, MC, I’m yours!”

With a full-body heave, you launched the man off of you and into the coffee table. It broke. Thankfully, you wouldn’t have to worry about paying V back for breaking it if you were locked away for second-degree murder.

“They’re pick-up lines, not throw-down lines–ouch!”

“Give it back!”

“Ahh, don’t hurt me, master! OW okay that one really hurt.”

“Then stop being a brat and let go–”

“And lose this comedic gold? God Seven will never let this go! I must spread this gospel!”

“AGH I’M NOT YOOSUNG OKAY I WILL END YOU!”

Some time later, after you’d reclaimed your property and handled the irritated police officer called out from noise complaints, Seven came out of your kitchen to find you still pouting on the sofa.

“I hate you,” you moaned.

“Your complaint has been filed and sent to God Seven, and–” He lifted his arms to form an “x” in front of him, declaring, “Hate denied! You must forgive him and smile!”

“Not a chance.”

“Come onnnn…”

“Go away.”

He brought a hand to his chin, as if contemplating a serious matter. Eventually, he nodded several times to himself, then made a pose he had literally ripped from the anime you two were watching earlier.

“Then you leave me no choice! I will have to use… my secret weapon!”

You arched an eyebrow.

Grinning, he sang, “You can come with me to see Elly~”

“…are you suggesting I join you in hacking through Jumin’s security, sneaking past all of his bodyguards, and breaking into his home, to pet his cat?”

“Someone sounds interested…”

You stared.

Hard.

“…dammit Seven, why do you know me so well?”

You threw a pillow at him when he mimicked Karin’s pose and laugh from Street Fighter V.

Kind of like how Jumin threw the two of you out that evening. He was seriously considering the restraining order this time.

These got so out of hand so fast ahaha. Hope they’re mildly entertaining?

[celestialallstars]

Episode #9: “Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees” - Jack

Ok well never mind Drew just got booted which NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT??? Like if Matt had gone it'd have been one thing because I would've heard at least the name of the person who actually went, people might've been honest for once. But noooooooo let's create this Drew concoction and once again leave Jack out of a vote! I mean, would I have voted Drew out? I don't know, probably not. But still it's the principle. Was I kept safe? Yes, but another ally and former Cyrena left. My numbers keep dwindling and I am scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

So this round I want Mitch gone. I don't trust him too much, as I know he isn't as close to Bryce as I am. Which scares me cause Bryce is my ally right now. I know me and Mitch are in this 8 person alliance, but that shit means NOTHING to me. As I never said i wanted to be in it. So Ya FUCK THAT. Time for me to push mitch this round.

Drew is out but I decided to be honest about it with Michael. Ill talk with Chloe today and try and do some chatting with Jack too but beside that I usve hope for a few tribals wooo! Or maybe its time to die, we'll see ha

I’m already over this game and it’s final fucking 12. I shouldn’t have played I should’ve just hosted this is all my worst orgs on fucking steroids because everyone’s too busy fetishizing this anti-Cyrena agenda. I don’t care if it’s not a thing, there’s no reason to target Matt and I and leave us out of votes when we have 0 agency and are literally 2 votes up for grabs. But nobody gives a flying fuck about logical gameplay and like fine, be a moron, and have fun getting blindsided at 9th when all the easy votes are gone and you were too busy standing around with your dick in your hand to put yourself in a better position. Fuck this season and fuck this cast

Today's to do list:

Call Jared Yell at Jared Tell Jared he's not beating his Wakea placement Hang up Win immunity Cry myself to sleep

________________________________________________________________

"yikes, you’ve been shot!" is a common theme for me this season

Watching the immunity was pretty telling I'd say, as random as it was. Having it said, it's been down to Loris, Zach, and Bryce for hours now. THE smart thing is to give Bryce immunity and up his threat level, but alas we gotta get a  show out of it lol.

So uh.... forget everything I said about Jared I guess because he wants to work with me? Lmao. Idk man like, can I really trust anyone besides Michael and Matt at this point? Not really, but Jared is the ONLY other person to legitimately give me a lifeline here (I don't count Mitch/Chris or any of the BS Zach/Bryce are giving me) so I have to take it, find some footing, figure out if I can actually get through this early merge here. I'm keeping my head down unlike my past games and I'm letting the game come to me. Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees

I FOUND AN IDOL!! I cant say I thought this would happen but I am so happy that it did! I just hope I can do right by this immunity idol! I got help out of Stephen so I am just so thankful for that!!

________________________________________________________________

So I have this feeling things are not going to go the way I wish so. Rhys is gathering troops to get Mitch out and he's already gone to Bryce who told me and Zach, and Jared. How does he have numbers? BECAUSE HE HAS FLIPPED. We might as well should've had Kori in the chats because both have said the same thing as far as contributions go

________________________________________________________________

Now I am in a pickle, not knowing if Jared/Bryce/Zach all want to flip after they wnet on a call together. Its a little concerning not gonna lie. What makes this worse is that like we are putting ourselves in a position where we HAVE to do play certain way. I dont want to be 6-5 I want to have cushion and Rhys is doing exactly what I figured he would be doing just early. I need to figure out exactly how willing the others are for this before its too late

So last tribal was a little bit of a rough one and the day after wasn’t too great either I just felt drained the entire day but I didn’t sign up for all stars to lose after being blindsided I came to win and I need to do whatever I can to get that fighting spirit back. I’m not out of this yet and hopefully the relationships I’ve built plus the killshot results mean that we can get a nice little blindside going.

What’s the German word for when people ask you if you’ve heard anything about the vote knowing full well you haven’t been privy to any information all merge?

________________________________________________________________

Bryce telling me Mitch’s name??? 8.5 hours before tribal??? You really do love to see it. Michael told me Jared told him Mitch as well, so I’ll probably hear from Jared soon. This is beautiful stuff I could give less of a fuck about Mitch going. Everything’s coming up Millhouse!

These bitches are conspiring against me.

So, Rhys has been feeling antsy and decided he wants to flip on our 8. Tbh it's probably a smart move for him since he's the least incorporated of the 8 and would likely get 8th if my understanding of the situation is anything to go by. Soooo I can't exactly blame him, but, that's not all.

Bryce is ALSO wanting to flip. It seems so early for a well-connected member of the alliance to want to do something like that, so I imagine it's because he wants to play the middle between this group and the 4 outside of it. Rhys and Bryce may have leaked the alliance already, and, if they did that, then they also probably leaked how everyone was pretending Matt was the target at the last vote.

This group seems to be planning to vote Mitch out tonight, which isssssss bad. Very bad. Especially bad for me since he is one of my closest allies.

Chris found an idol, though, and I'm really hoping we can save it for late-game. There's still a chance this vote can turn around though. That's what I'm hoping for.

IM BEING DUMB IDK WHAT TO DO UGH I WANT MITCH OUT HTIS ISNT SMART THIS ISNT LIKE ITS NOT I KNOW THAT BUT IM DOING IT ANYWAY THIS IS A MISTAKE I KNOW IT IS JFAKDHK BUT IDK HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME BC I THINK PPL SAY IM A THREAT AND I CAN ONLY PLAY UTR SNAKE NOT THIS WHOLE KUMBAYAH THING PPL GOT GOING ON

hi. so . after I almost win immunity after it was given to bryce when hes  already won immunity in another social challenge, now bryce  wants to vote mitch because ‘he Doesn’t like him’. I don’t know who the votes going to be and I rlly like Mitch so like I’m gonna pray and try to make sure it’s not him :( Fuck bryce

Okay... so. This round has been quite a lot, and I am going to try to explain it piece by piece because I have probably played more game in this round than I have the rest of the game combined.

Rhys told me that he wants to flip, and then Bryce told me that Zach also wants to flip (along with himself) against Mitch. I did not want to deal so I went to sleep.

I called Zach the same night and tried to gauge how much trust he has in me by admitting that Rhys wants to flip, and seeing how he would react towards me. He played very coy which is very... Zach.

Bryce told me that he went to Chris about flipping and that Chris shut it down, so I quickly went and leaked to Chris and showed my disinterest in flipping. I made a plan to call Zach and Bryce and try to convince them that this was the wrong move. (Keep in mind this was all the same night, after the immunity results.) I thought I made up some ground and pointed them in the direction of targeting Michael, but I would soon realize that they were just placating me. The call ended with Zach saying that he wanted to get Stephen's thoughts in the morning.

Come the morning, I hatch this crackhead plan to get Mitch the merge idol. According to Stephen from the night before, we were only 11 steps away from the end of the bridge. At 9 AM Bryce quickly searches and says "IT APPEARS WHATEVER WAS ONCE HERE IS GONE AHHH" (I was using my 3 person alliance to get myself or Bryce the idol, not knowing that I would regret doing that.) Being that Bryce said the exact line as if something were missing, I thought there were a couple possible scenarios: 1. He straight up lied. 2. Stephen actually got to the end of the bridge the night before. 3. The night before after everyone had guessed, Bryce took the numbers to a 3rd party (Zach) so they could get the idol.

So that plan was dead. I then considered, "what if I give Mitch my idol?" I quickly realized I would probably regret that in a few rounds.

I spent the rest of today formulating a plan to position myself in everyone's good graces no matter what the outcome of the vote is. I told Rhys I would help him recruit the minority to vote Mitch. I messaged all of them about the vote, and then I came clean with Chloe on call saying that "even though the vote is Mitch, we should be aware that it aligns with Bryce and Zach's agenda and they threw your name." I then communicated to Chris, Loris, and Stephen what Rhys said and my distaste for flipping.

You may wonder where the sudden distrust for Bryce came from. Well, Chris told me that Loris said "Bryce had this planned before immunity (voting for Mitch)." I'm thinking Bryce probably just used me to get to Zach but still wants us to be the F3. My interests don't seem to be aligning with theirs.

With that being said I will likely be voting for Mitch tonight. RIP to the brodie, you deserved better. I will try my best to put off using my challenge advantage and my idol for as long as possible, and I will be trying to play both sides between the Zach/Bryce duo and Chris.

So I’m finally in danger of going (love that). I’m praying someone doesn’t have an idol because I feel like the rehidden one has been found. It’s between me and matt but if I stay which I think is likely, I have to do a better job communicating. I think that’s what got me in this position in the first place. If this is my last confessional I really hope jared Stephen or Chris wins. They are all playing solid games and I will be cheering them on from the sideline

jared thinks hes so funny calling zach but not me like. all i demand from allies is complete loyalty and that they talk to no one else. is that asking too much???

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Mitch is voted out 6-5-1. He becomes the 1st member of our jury!

Watch his exit interview below:

[lorddyz]

An Apology to People Who Will Probably Never See This

I started 2017 crying on a bathroom floor. Not in a club or some glamorous, “I’m so drunk and time is passing so I’m sad” situation. 

Well, actually. I was asleep and dreaming that I was crying on a bathroom floor which I think is worse. The fact that even in my dreams I realized what a shitshow my life was. After waking up, I figured that I would take this as good as any sign I was going to get that my life needed to change.

TL;DR: It didn’t.

It did for a bit and then it didn’t. I gathered up the last bit of ambition and energy I had in my reserves and powered through to Spring Break and things were great. I was finally learning actual things in class again, I wanted to talk to my TA just for fun, I made plans and kept them, I mapped out a career networking plan, and I was in a good mood. Hell, I even went back to the gym again.

Then LA happened.

I went and had the time of my life and that was the mistake.

I’m not sure what it was. Maybe the fact that there were people living the life I had always wanted and a part of me had given up once I got to Penn. Maybe it was the fact EVERYTHING was happening out on the West Coast and I was stuck in Philadelphia for another two years where I had to pretend that I wasn’t miserable, starving, and broke. Things were happening and I wasn’t a part if it. I was stuck pretending that I was happy and carefree and this cool girl that hung out with people who bought Canada Goose jackets in bulk for fun and only cared about the things I cared about so they could call themselves “artsy” and “sceney”. Or the other group of people who smoked cigarettes and did art, but were also deeply fucked up on the inside.

If you’re still reading at this point, I’ll sum it up. I basically felt like a loser my whole life and got to college and decided I didn’t want to feel like that any more.

So this is not a critique of Penn culture. Penn has it’s problems, but it is great for some people and not so great for others. For me, it wasn’t so great. I was surrounded by some of the greatest minds ad coolest people in the country (maybe even world but that honestly could be a stretch after seeing how many shots some people have taken in one go) and I was sad.

I was sad. There’s no other way to put it.

I was sad because I had joined groups that perpetrated an aura of elitism and I had told myself that that would make me happy. It didn’t.

I was sad because I had chosen to study things other people had placed value on because they had superficial marketable value in the workplace. (Fun fact: No one gives a shit what you study in college unless you work in Finance.)

I was downright depressed because I had thrown my family to the wayside in hopes of forgetting where I came from because who wants to be friends with a girl who only learned how to dress herself a year ago and had more family issues than a singular season of a daytime soap opera.

Two years ago I was in a full-on sprint to the West Coast because I speculated then what I knew for sure now: I can’t live out here and be myself at the same time.

My past was constantly creeping up on me without giving me a chance to explain myself to my future.

You know how sunlight and heat help old people with their arthritis? That’s what LA and the movie industry did for me. No one really looked back far enough that your past ever really mattered. The ache of who I was? I could run from that in California. Start new.

And then maybe, I could come to New York in a few years and see everyone and actually be the confident, carefree, headstrong person who I pretended to be.

But this isn’t me lamenting on about how “woe-is-me” and using my insecurities as an excuse for why I hurt the people I hurt (or why I feel like I need to apologize to some people who honestly have probably forgotten that I’ve ever done anything to them in the first place).

Starting in order of the most recent case:

Nancy and Shannah: I’m sorry about leaving the room dirty. I’m going, to be honest, I didn’t care about the mess I left the room in. In retrospect, I think I was just being spiteful because at one point I blamed Tabard for all the issues I had in my life. It wasn’t Tabard’s fault nor your’s and it was childish of me to do that. Granted the room wasn’t bad enough to warrant you saying I have “no morals” @Nancy. So I will say that hurt me, but again I shouldn’t have left the room dirty and I shouldn’t have said what I said.

P29: I’m going to start this by saying rich people make me extremely uncomfortable so we probably were never going to be best friends under the circumstances we met. I assumed you weLife Mapping night, I realized that due to the fact that I wasn’t even comfortable with my own story, there was no way in hell I was going to trust 9 random girls who seemed to have known each other already with stuff I hadn’t even confronted . This is a shitty apology and shitty way of saying I wish we could be friends but I blew it when I walked away from you guys at Duane Reade to buy a toothbrush. We probably have next to zilch in common (or maybe we do? never gave us a chance tbh) but you guys will go on to do great things and still annoy me from time to time but I will always wish you the best. So sorry for preemptively judging you? I think thats what I’m trying to say. BUT I will add, my own issues weren’t the only reason I didn’t feel comfortable. Wasn’t exactly the most welcoming group of people, not sure you were aware of it or not, when all your conversations were either whispered or about things I obviously knew nothing about.

The Collctve: Sorry for disappearing for a semester after you gave me that event chair gig. Wasn’t really up for a party much this semester while I was stuck in the hole I was in. My b. Also sorry in general for not being invested in anything. And for coming off as a bitch at come points. I’m not a bitch and you guys are quite literally some of the coolest, most real people I have ever met.

Matt: Sorry for projecting my issues of myself onto you. I mean I know you have your shit too, but I wasn’t helpful. At all. I was really happy that you had started going to CAPS bc that was some shit I was never brave enough to do (or keep up with).

Vanessa: Sorry for the weird period where I didn’t speak to you bc of Milo. Sorry for being a generally shitty friend.

Actually, while I’m at it: Jermaine, Karla, Josh, Jess, Naomi, Perren, Seb, Kenneth, Kelsey, and Yasmeen: I’ve been highkey a shitty friend to all of you at some point. Don’t really know what else to say but sorry.

Whorewick (mostly Mia and Anaya): Sorry for that awkward entrace into your BYO. I wasn’t actually upset I wasn’t invited. I was more overwhelmed by the awkwardness of not being invited and then Vanessa telling me to come even though I wasn’t invited. I’m weird about crashing things so if I made that weird my b.

Milo: Sorry for being a grade A bitch to you. I shouldn’t have done what I did and I shouldn’t have done it just because I was friends with Josh. I honestly wanted to be an unbiased 3rd party and let you guys work your shit out, but I didn't succeed. As a reoccurring theme in this letter, I realize how childish that was and disrespectful. You probably won’t care, but I did want to say I’m sorry.

For everyone I ever talked about while drunk: I have this uncanny ability to remember everything when I’m drunk. I also say things I don’t mean to please other people. I felt like that’s what you want to hear so you’ll hear it. Things that keep me up at night: my inability to say what I want even if it makes another party upset. At some point, in trying to get out of an awkward moment, I talked shit. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. I’m sure plenty of people do it, but that doesn’t give me the right to.

One of the things I pretend to do that I hope one day to be true is that I hold myself to a different standard than others. Talking shit about someone– no matter what the context or your relationship– is abhorrent. Well, maybe that’s too strong of a word but it isn’t nice. And while I want to be a successful, badass I also want to be nice.

Nice. And happy.

And this is step one to doing that.

The final apology is to me. I’m sorry for wasting your first two years at college. I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m sorry I could have fixed it all this time and didn’t. I’m sorry for messing up the relationships you value.

I hope this helps you fix it.