#no who tf sits there crying having an emotional breakdown and thinks

[lynx-paw]

Stray Kids album review no one asked for, but I still did because yes.

Every song has 3 "reviews": before looking up lyrics, after looking up lyrics and final.

1 – Cheese

BEFORE: Ohh the guitar riff. I am WEAK for guitar in this one. Probably a song I’d play waiting for the traffic light to go green. It has nice, somehow fun beat. But, we definitely could have survived without them naming types of cheese.

AFTER: Heh. A real fuck you in not romantic way.

FINAL: I appreciate the entire idea behind the song. Tho, we still could’ve survived without types of cheese.

2 – Thunderous

BEFORE: Idk why, but beginning reminds me of Rhythm Ta. Yes Changbineeeeeeey take it away.

Did I hear it right? "I’m not sorry, I’m dirty." Babes, are we okay?

Ah yes, Aussie line being more Aussie with each passing day. OMG THAT LAUGH AT 2:03 YES.

Oh I def heard it right, I’m not sorry I’m dirty. Cool, cool, ok. The rapapapam bought me, seriously.

It has very Kingdom!Ateez sound to it which isn’t a bad thing at all, I’m a sucker for Kingdom!Ateez. But… I don’t know, I miss either more intense build-up or beat drop. That would, like, totally kill me and pay for my burial.

AFTER: Oh. Changbin’s part is really, really good. Okay, okay, seriously props to whoever wrote the lyrics. But we really could’ve survived without I’m not sorry, I’m dirty.

Kkundeuri wasseoyo and Gyerani wasseoyo need to have a collab if you know what I mean hehe 😉

FINAL: I feel like my precious I.N had so much fun in this one, so I give bonus points. The song is good, the lyrics are bomb, but the sound lacks intensity. I wish they went with a bit harsher tone, the song would be absolute bomb slap then. All in all, I like it.

3 – Domino

BEFORE: GOING IN STRONG YES. Yeah, goodbye brain, I’ll be going around singing Domino, domino, DOMINO. Yo, that stop and then intense rap at approximately 1:15 is very nice touch.

Don’t kill me, but in my very humble opinion, Chan’s parts feel a bit out of place in the song.

Oh… I don’t like the pace change starting at 2:40…

AFTER: Ah, yet another fuck you, I’ll succeed no matter what you say song.

FINAL: Kinda have a feeling it might grow on me after a few days, but right now… Hm. I don’t know. Maybe one of those songs which need to marinate and which might slap after I come back to them randomly.

4 – Ssick

BEFORE: Oh, the beginning gives me Ikon vibes, yes please. Okay, okay, this drop at 0:50 is really good, I like it very much.

This song has nice transitions and per se, variety, that maybe previous songs lack. For now, my favourite song. It is repetitive, just like the previous ones, and that’s not a bad thing, but I think this one has the best mix of repetitive and filled with variety in beat.

AFTER: 3rd fuck you haters song? I mean sure, fuck haters, but isn’t dedicating 3 songs to them giving them a bit too much attention? This one isn’t just about fuck you tho, it’s also about being there for your friends and I like that aspect. It’s like fuck you to haters and i wuw you to friends and supporters.

Also very, very, very important and positive part of the lyrics is “Oh yeah, I know that I don’t have anything special. But, yeah, do you know that I myself am special?” This, boys, girls, rocks and flowers, this is very valuable lesson. You don’t have to own something special because you are special by just being. Don’t belittle yourself. Even skz is telling you that.

FINAL: From all the fuck you songs this is probably my favorite.

5 – The View

BEFORE: Awww very summery song, very sweet since the beginning. OH SHIT I AM CRYING WTF?

Fuck, this reminds me of a feeling, if you get me, but I don’t know which one? I like it. I LIKE IT SO MUCH. YES. BRING IT ON. BRING ON THE TEARS YES. (i am probably the only person being excited to cry but that says a lot about me sush please).

This is one of the songs I’d LOVE to randomly hear on the radio. Just driving to the beach, vibing you know.

And getting attacked by sudden rap and beat change because why tf not, you know?

AFTER: “Clouds like a submarine swim” I told you, summer vibes.

Ah, fuck. Here, it’s this why I cried. I sensed something in the way they delivered this part of the song and it was this: “The road in front of me seemed dark ‘cause i never ever let it go. Now I feel comfortable, I like it, this feeling and I’ll never ever let it go.” Not to be someone who’ll be like Aha! This is the meaning behind this! but to me this reminds me a lot of feeling stuck with bad self-image, both mentally and physically, and because I said this is like a summer song, my brain immediately goes to all those summers I hated my body and this one being the first summer ever that I didn’t actively hate myself. This part of lyrics is for me like finally breaking out of the shell or maybe a better expression, shedding old skin and just leaving it behind, going forward with new, more positive mentality and a sense of liberation.

“I like the view right now” is like 1) i literally like the view (sunset on beach type of vibe), 2) i like looking at you/myself and realising you’re feeling comfortable around me/yourself/myself, and/or 3) i like this new view on life I have.

Look, I could literally quote entire song and give in depth analysis of on what level they resonate with me, but I won’t do that. I’ll just say these are one of the best lyrics I’ve ever read and they’re so well combined with music ughhh. And the fact this song came at the right time in my life *insert chef’s kiss*

FINAL: I love it. It was really good before I read lyrics and after it’s like three times better. One of my faves on the album.

6 – Sorry, I love you

BEFORE: Nothing special for except for the slight angsty tones I hear. I like it, but nothing crazy. I’d like it to pop up on my playlist occasionally. I think it would be an absolute BOP for me if it was leaning more to the rock genre. Like, a bit slowed down with accent just on guitar and their voices. But, that’s just me always being a sucker for rock ballads. For some reason to me, best ballads and most songs which evoke strong emotion from me are the ones which accentuate the words, the voice and one instrument.

AFTER: Very convinced this song is written by the one who is watching Nevertheless (is it Seungmin? or someone else?). My roommate strongly disagrees with that, but look, I don’t make rules, I think, I say.

FINAL: I hate to admit it but it’s catchy. I’d love live band version of this ngl.

7 – Silent Cry

BEFORE: Interesting intro huh. But something doesn’t sit with me right with the rest of the song. I don’t know what. I really don’t.

AFTER: Yeah sure, hit me with depresso lyrics right in the beginning.

FUCK. The lyrics are really killing me.

FINAL: I just can’t suffer through music. Lyrics are amazing, but idk, music is so not my style and somehow don’t suit the lyrics.

8 – Secret Secret

BEFORE: WAIT WHY DO I HAVE EMOTIONS ALREADY IT’S ONLY BEEN LIKE 10 SECONDS INTO THE SONG. Fuck. I’m on the verge of tears. Imagine listening to this and then Ex I would straight up have emotional breakdown. Yeah, yeah, I’m crying. Leave me alone. The softness, the preciousness, the cuteness, ugh I am broken™.

AFTER: Yeah, fuck. I’m crying again.The lyrics are killing me.

FINAL: This song makes me very emotional, I am a literal mess right now. Kill me, resurrect me, kill me again.

9 – Star Lost

Not my type of song. Like, nothing’s wrong, it’s just so not my type.

10 – Red Lights

BEFORE: Well, the beat drop for sure slaps. The song reminds me of something, it’s either a movie or a song, but I can’t remember. And that’s not a bad thing, I just hate the fact I can’t remember what it reminds me of.

AFTER: “I’m staying up all night again.” I see what you did there, tsch.

“Now tell me you hate me I can’t stand you any longer. But I know, you and me, there’s nothing I can do.” this is very good. I like this.

FINAL: This song could be about so many things. Lust, control problems, feeling of losing yourself, not knowing what your stage personality is and what is real you, anxiety, insomnia, depression… The thing they really managed to do is achieving a level of intensity. I like the song more after I read the lyrics, but I have to say I thought it would be much, much more intense and in your face. I’ll let it crawl in my mind and heart. Slowly. Hehe.

11 – Surfin’

BEFORE: I’m not a fan of summer. Or summer songs. But this is good. Wtf. Something’s going on with me lol. I have nothing much to say, I like the song, that’s it hahah.

AFTER: Felix talking about working 24/7 isn’t something I thought I’d hear in such a summery song.

“My head is overheated just like my laptop.” yo Changbin, mood.

FINAL: I hate summer songs, but this one slaps. This is the only summer song I’ll ever love and accept. Absolute bop.

12 – Gone Away

BEFORE: Oh the beginning surely is something. Oh no, no, no, no, no, I’ll cry again. Oh no. I’m dead. Fuck. I’m crying without lyrics, what’s going to happen after I listen with lyrics? Fuck man.

OH SHIT WHAT WAS THIS AT 3:00? THEY’RE PULLING OFF SOME MAYFLY SINGING UNIT THING I AM LITERALLY DEAD HERE. My. Jesus.

AFTER: Yeah, I’m crying a river. Pass me handkerchiefs.

FINAL: Seungmin, stop watching Nevertheless.(Don’t. I need more heartbreak songs ty.)

13 – Wolfgang

- The song I lowkey hated on Kingdom, but it crawled in my mind and heart later. Hyunjin just added some spice heh.

14 – 애

- Not gonna comment much, this could be the worst song ever and I’d still adore it because of what the song means. And who it brought back 😊

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

OKAY I LOVED THAT ANALYSIS SO MUCH. I was someone who played through all of the seasons blind, and I had originally told Clementine to leave Lee. It made me question if it was a choice when I saw that like, 95% of people shot him. (My rationale was, regardless of my thoughts as a player, I think *Lee* wouldn’t have wanted her to suffer more on a day where she already lost so much.) But in the long run I’m glad I stuck with that choice, because like you said, there were so many interesting story beats in TFS that came back around to you making that decision in s1, and all the heavy implications that come along with James’ philosophy about a piece of that person remaining after they turn into a walker. It’s all SUCH an interesting topic of discussion to me, and I’ve never seen anyone else talk about it before now, so thank you for that!!

Hey, I'm glad you liked it! It really is an interesting thing to explore, especially given how different everyone's Clementine is.

I think a big factor into that choice with new players is that the ending of the first season IS so emotional and hard hitting that you don't really sit there and think about every possibility, y'know? Like, odds are you're crying and reacting to all the choices through instinct and the gut reaction is "don't let Lee turn, can't let Lee be a walker, not him" and so they shoot him... like it's more about us, what we want, more than thinking about Clementine, if that makes sense.

but then there's the flip side of people who do have the gut reaction to think "no, can't do that to Clementine, can't make her shoot him, not her" and then they leave him... and then have a breakdown when they watch Lee finally fall over dead :'(

It's also interesting to see who has changed their mind over the years and who have stuck to their original choices.

I'm someone who has stuck with certain choices all these years for my personal canon, like saving Carley, going to Wellington, romancing/saving Louis, all that. But there are choices that I've changed my mind about or hell, I STILL don't know which one I prefer.

Like shooting Lilly or not.... for me, there is no "winning" in that choice. I don't have a canon answer for it. Shoot Lilly? Well, murder baby now has even more reason to think that murder can solve all of his problems and it's fine because he's a baby [except no, it's not fine], and also James is far from happy and that's not great..... but Lilly isn't around and I don't have to worry about her ever coming back.

Or tell AJ not to shoot, she murders James, and then floats away on her dumb little raft all "I know I tried to murder you and turn your friends into soldiers, and then tried to cut your boyfriend's finger off but like let bygones be bygones?" and like.... No??? Fuck you??? and now I gotta live with the fact that Lilly is still out there and sure, maybe she won't try anything with us but her being alive is enough to worry.... but at least AJ doesn't do more murder baby crimes, though he's not happy about it and the cave scene is great... except for dead James. Dead James makes me sad.

Like even now, I don't know. I tend to go back and forth with each play through..

But unlike that, I find myself picking to leave Lee at the end of S1 and I think it's safe to say that has become my personal canon choice, along with Clementine telling AJ to shoot her before changing her mind when it comes down to it, like I explained in that post. That path opens up a lot with Clem's character and her relationships with AJ and the others.

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Don’t Praise the Almighty (Part 1)

Also on AO3

hold on to your hats everyone - this is part one. i was going to put them together, then i realised part two is 6000 words and thats just too long 

TW for: implied abuse of all kinds, straight-up physical and emotional child abuse, gaslighting, all might if he was a terrible person.

TL;DR: 

Things you must sacrifice to make a hero: Humanity, Empathy.

Things you must sacrifice to be a hero: Everything.

izuku wants to be a hero, imagine the first ep happens etc. yagi doesnt so much say "you can be a hero" as "ill make you a hero"

an aside: inko is an absent parent, to make ends meet and a poor way of coping with a missing Hisashi. Izuku grows up without any positive adults figures in his life.

yagi makes izuku train and train and train, the kid’s hands bleed and his legs ache but allmight makes him keep going. allmight says he's useless and pathetic and a crybaby and izuku believes him, because he's allmight

they spar and yagi just holds back enough to not let izuku get hurt too badly to train. even katsuki is disturbed bc quirkless deku is coming to school with black eyes and swollen wrists

when katsuki calls him pathetic izuku just nods

"ill get better though"

and katsuki feels so gross he doesnt try to fuck with izuku for weeks

and so izuku is so convinced this is normal because katsuki does it, and mum does it, and now allmight? thats just how you treat kids he thinks. or quirkless ones at least

hes still a big fan of allmight because he doesnt see whats wrong. hes just pathetic and useless but then he'll get a quirk and he'll be worth something for the first time in his life

he barely sleeps, barely eats, just trains and studies and trains some more. he collapses. all might stands there until izuku gets back up and makes him keep running

reasons all mights like this

he is 1, suffering from internalised quirk discrimination

2, nana's dead bc she wasn't "strong enough"

3, he thinks he can shape izuku into the perfect selfless hero, and better person than he ever was.

hes convinced this is for the greater good. hes a dick but hes so sure hes in the right here

by the time of the entrance exam izuku is,,, kinda fucked up

he passes with flying colours because he used his quirk for the first time, broke his arm, and immediately moved on to snaping finger after finger. the teachers watched on, horrified as this child mutilated himself to get points

all might smiled. because this is what he wanted.

he saves ochacco too

he gets in and allmight is pleased with him, even more pleased than the time izuku admitted he hadn't slept for 72 hours and still got a perfect score on his test

and izuku thinks this was all worth it to see his hero smile at him

izuku is in 1A

izuku actually listed that he feels less pain due to his quirk, which aizawa believes but hes still not sold on the idea of a hero that destroys themselves. he doesnt know if izuku heals better or faster, but he's sure that may broken bones cant be good

aizawa is convinced he's going to expel izuku during the quirk test. the look he sees on izuku’s face when he says he's expelling the lowest scorer makes his stomach churn

because all of the other kids look worried, nervous

izuku looks like hes going to throw up.

the kid is trembling and pale and aizawa watches as he turns to ochako, smiles brightly and says "let's do our best" while he holds back full body tremors the other kids don't see

he breaks toes and fingers and he cries but he doesn't flinch at the pain

the only time he flinches is when someone looks him in the eyes, if someone speaks too loud, and at the firecracker pops of katsuki's quirk

and aizawa feels sick

the ball toss, he just can't watch this kid break anymore, and he stops his quirk

for a second he freezes, because this kids quirk manages pain, he'll be feeling all of those broken bones, he'll obviously notice

right?

but izuku doesnt notice his missing quirk until he throws the ball. he turns around, looking sick. aizawa feels so lost when he looks at him with pure relief

"oh, you're eraserhead"

izuku tears up for the first time in that class.

"please give me back my quirk"

aizawa feels so lost he blinks, and his quirk drops with it. there is something totally wrong about the utter relief the kid feels having this horrifically damaging quirk back, and there is something bothering aizawa about it, but he doesn't know what

"dont use your quirk for the rest of this test, kid. not unless you can use it without breaking something"

izuku nods but aizawa knows the kid will just try to hide it. he takes him by the shoulder when the others have moved on

"i mean it, midoriya. no quirk, or i'll expell you on the spot"

and izuku just looks so lost

"but, i have to? i'm-"

"you didn't flinch when i took your quirk. you can feel every broken bone, can't you?"

izuku just nods, like walking with broken toes is normal, like throwing a ball with broken fingers is easy. aizawa knows it's not

he just sighs.

"no quirk. we'll work on training it after. you're ahead enough not to fail the course, go to recovery girl now. you aren't expelled"

izuku just looks hurt

aizawa shoos him away and almost misses the thin form of all might slink out from behind the wall to follow izuku

he's worried, and confused. But he can't just, abandon a field of kids

he texts hizashi bc that's just who he texts when he's panicking, and he asks him to look out for smallmight and izuku, somewhere on the way to the infirmary. so present mic turns on the first movie he finds on his computer (an english language copy of rocky) yells "ENGLISH PRACTISE TIME" and runs out the door

1C is so lost

anyway, present mic can be quiet when he tries and when he hears the sound of allmight sternly talking to a student that's crying? he tries real fucking hard

he basically catches

"you're supposed to be stronger than this, why did he make you stop?"

"he saw my bones breaking-i couldnt-"

"and so you flinched? didn't we train?"

"i didnt flinch! he made me stop!"

allmight backhands him

"dont waste it. either get better at hiding it or learn to use your quirk without breaking bones quickly or ill find another successor. one that isn't useless."

present mic hears izuku agree and cry and he feels ill. he sneaks back a little further, then loudly walks down the hall. allmight smiles at him, and he wants to punch the man

izuku smiles at him too, tears in his eyes but like he's happy to see another hero. present mic cant understand why izuku is pressed so close to a man that hurt him, like he's more afraid of present mic than allmight

he walks with them to recovery girl, chatting like he was meant to be there. hes so grateful allmight is new, because he totally has a class he's meant to be teaching right now and that would be so suspicious if he knew his schedule 

he walks them all the way to the door, and he lingers. there is a touch of steel in his eyes when he tells allmight to take care because what he really means is "take care of yourself because i will not"

and hes halfway down the corridor before he freezes

why did izuku seem so comfortable with a man he shouldn't know

anyway present mic is having a quiet breakdown for 20 seconds before he sprints back to his class, pretends he never left, and panic texts aizawa

so aizawa, with a little great context, knows that that, particular, conversation wasn't as,,, unsavoury,,, as it could,,, be implied,,,

but like,,,,,, he's really lost on why izuku would know small might and he's very worried

bakugo is fuCKinG PisSed

izuku left?? and he wasn't expelled???

Any,,, unsavoury implications arent something I'm going to talk ab in this au bc it doesn't need to be worse,,, but it's very much intentional

so aizawa is having an actual moral crisis rn bc hizashi isn't a liar and he doesn't want to like, not believe when he saw. but really? the symbol of peace is terrible??? and hizashi doesn't want to believe it either. both of them as so sure they are just missing context or something

bakugo stalks up to recovery girls office after class bc wtf deku?? and he walks in to just see izuku blankly picking at new white scars

he actually perks up when katsuki enters

and there is this man standing over izuku. this man he's seen with izuku before, yelling at him, but someone izuku seems happy to be around. it's not deku’s dad, he knows that. and the guy is too blonde and tall to have literally any relation to him.

a lot of the fire in katsuki goes out when he sees how tired izuku looks, and the question he was going to yell becomes more of a mumble

"so, you have a quirk now? just like that?"

he looks up and he sees that man's hand on izuku's shoulder, curled like a claw, so tight it must hurt. but izuku doesn't flinch or shy away, he smiles softly

"i'm really lucky, huh kacchan?"

and as much as izuku looks like he believes it, katsuki has the strongest feeling that this is the worst possible thing that could have happened to his once-friend

he just leaves

and he almost runs straight into his new teacher. they lock eyes and even though katsuki doesn't know whats going on, aizawa doesn't know whats going on, they both just know something is happening

and its not good

but what can they do

hes the symbol of peace

recovery girl is 100% in denial bc she new baby toshi and he's a dork but he's a good boy

izuku gets knocked tf out by recovery girls heal and toshi carries him out of the school grounds and shes like "how cute"

honestly they get to they gate, he wakes izuku up and reminds him to run home to get in the extra cardio, and izuku does. all the way home.. not only bc yagi wanted him to, but that's a big bit but bc if he was late hed wouldn’t get dinner

so the battle trial

so aizawa is like,,, : | ab everything

so he attends the battle trial rather than take the nap he really fucking wanted

the kids come out in their costumes and something sits poorly about the way izuku positively preens at almighty compliments. so basically it goes like the show, but allmight doesnt try to stop Bakugo. aizawa doesn't have audio, but he sees what the kids see and rips the mic out of allmights hand to tell bakugo to stop

he doesnt have to, though

because izuku has already vanished from sight

bakugo looks lost, aizawa is worried, but allmight just looks smug because a second later, izuku drops from the ceiling where he swung up, and punches bakugo in the back of the head

allmight grins and it looks nasty

izuku gives bakugo a once-over to make sure hes ok, wraps his wrists, then puts him in the recovery position and scampers out of the room to ochako

aizawa is lost, because that is c l e a r l y combat training. from the back of the room, todoroki starts watching in earnest

with ochako, he grabs the bomb. they walk out of the exercise and all might congratulates them on winning and izuku looks so happy! but allmight isn't done

"young midoriya, why didn't you use your quirk?"

the only people that notice the way he pales are todoroki and aizawa

"sorry sir, i didn't want to disappoint mr aizawa"

allmight nods, and he smiles but aizawa doesnt like it

"thats ok my boy, we'll have to see about getting you some out of class quirk training, huh?"

izuku smiles. hes happy, but he looks panicked

he looks guilty about being afraid

aizawa silently tells his agency he needs the week off to investigate something personal, and they readily give him the time off

izuku mumbles happily to himself about the exercise, stilling when all might looks gazes with him. he stops, flushes, and apologises. allmight nods.

he begins again, but hes not mumbling anymore, hes speaking clearly and concisely with the other students, even though he doesnt want to talk to them, he just wants to think. but allmight says to talk clearly to everyone or to remain silent and he just wants so badly to talk about the exercise

todoroki looks between izuku and allmight and he wonders

USJ time baby

allmight uses up his time, like before

the difference is, when the nomu comes for aizawa? izuku doesnt hesitate to jump in. thats what allmight wanted. he wanted someone so selfless that "would i give my life for them" isn't even a question that would cross their mind, they would just move

izuku stalls. he's shivering and shaking, walking on broken toes but he stands between aizawa and the nomu and he smiles

shigiraki looks at izuku and doesn't see a hero in training. he sees someone like him, like his league. someone who has be stepped on and ruined and reborn

and he wants him

when he sees something he likes, he wants it. like his sensei and his quirks. shigiaki collects people like action figures to use how he likes

anyway, he sees this little 'hero' and for all his stubbornness he knows he won't get izuku today

so he does what his sensei did to him all those years ago

he shows kindness. just enough to break him

he looks izuku in the eyes and says

"hero society is so rotten they break children into weapons to fight other broken pieces. whats fair about that?"

and izuku looks stunned. he drops his smile.

"from one broken piece to another, i wont shatter you today."

kurogiri moves izuku and aizawa just outside of the usj

they cant get in, aizawa has no quirk to break through the walls and izuku is shell shocked

he takes a second to look at aizawa like his world is falling down and aizawa understands.

and then

allmight appears

and aizawa hates himself for how relieved he feels

allmight looks at izuku and izuku smiles so wide. and then he frowns

"they want to kill you"

"they aren't the first, my boy."

and izuku pauses

"they seem pretty sure they can, sir."

and allmights smile looks meaner

"what, you really think so little of this old man?"

and izuku shakes his head violently

"not at all! no, im sorry-"

allmight looks at his student and suddenly there isnt a wall anymore, blasted into tiny shards by allmight’s punch. izuku scrambles inside after him

aizawa tells him to stay outside, to stay safe. but allmight levels a glare at him that almost hurts to meet. aizawa cringes and rushes after them, cradling broken arms

the fight ends much the same, but upon seeing izuku in the way on his hand, shigiraki closes his fist

allmight doesn't miss that

and, with that the other teachers arrive. and again, present mic and aizawa wonder why izuku knows allmight small form

oh also just as a weird powerplay thing, allmight calls izuku by his first name in private while izuku calls him sir everywhere

aizawa has the worst of the injuries, but years of sleep deprivation mean he can pretty easily resist the call of sleep after recovery girls quirk. not that anyone knows that. so he hears the edges of a conversation between hero and student

he hears sobs and a slap and apologies from both parties. he hears a louder conversation on training after class to better use izuku’s quirk and aizawa decides he's going to force himself into this 'training' because he doesnt like the optics on any of this

allmights angry that the villains were fond of izuku, bc that means izuku was doing something wrong, right? and he's also angry izuku barely used his quirk, but he does kinda understand needing to be able to walk still

anyway in the training we get the joy of a creepy scene of yagi assessing the physique of a barely dressed izuku

aizawa isn't there yet and boy howdy does he feel ill when yagi walks out of the changing rooms a few minutes before izuku does

anyway so it doesn't take long for yagi and aizawa to get izuku using his quirk w/o achy breaky bones and izuku is proud, and so is aizawa

but yagi just kinda pipes in with "about time" and izukus face crumples

aizawa just says "better late than never" and izuku gives a watery smile

yagi scares enji but he just royally pisses off todoroki

bc todoroki just looks at the guy

"big strong me, what you gonna do, punch me? yeah right bastard and i'll go screaming to the press. I dont give a fuck what you think you dick of an old man!"

please izuku is totally convinced that this is just normal training, that yagi is doing his best and a teacher, is doing right by him. and shouto is just,,, he doesnt know the whole story. just knows that all might scares izuku and that all mights secretary has a connection to him

but he knows that yagi was creepy enough to make his old man have bad vibes and thats an achievement

Enji sat, reigning back a snarl as the green boy threw Shouto -his Shouto- from the ring, to land on his back in a graceless cloud of dust. Beside him, All Might’s secretary grinned. It wasn’t a nice grin, like the hero, but a nasty crawling one that made Enji feel cold even with his flames dancing around his face.

Enji had never liked the man, his instincts telling him there was something horrifically off about him. But the number one hero had resources he couldn’t dream of, so he kept his lips shut.

“Well done, my boy.”

There was no familial resemblance between the skeletal man beside him, and the boy who stood both victorious and broken where his son should have been. No resemblance to the hulking oaf of a hero either. But their quirks were markedly similar, as were their smiles, if the boy’s was a little kinder.

The man turned to him, all polite smiles and condolences for his son’s loss.

The smug aura around him so strong that Enji allowed himself, for just a second, to pity the boy in green.

Its just tenya and todoroki who know

and quickly bakugo too, bc he was there for shoutos tragic backstory reveal, which included izukus too

and like,,, mic and aizawa are in denial bc jesus christ its the number one hero and hes normally so nice

izuku v katsuki babey!

basically izuku starts to panic and bakugo stops the fight and grabs his hand

"pull yourself together deku. forget everyone else, this is just a fight between me and you, go it?"

and izuku gives a shakey smile, and nods. bakugo releases his hand

"lets start this again, huh izuku"

"sure thing kacc-. Katsuki"

and then fiGHT and its great and its a tie bc they are both so fucking exhausted. izuku and bakguo have to get hauled to their feet by midnight, but both of them are grinning

izuku has trouble w his hero name, like, a l o t bc everything he comes up with yagi says no

but yagi wont give him any ideas eventually izuku just ends up with his hero name being "nine" bc yagi liked that one

katsuki can just,,, tell izuku doesn't like it (bc it reduces him as a hero down to his quirk)

(he wants the name jackrabbit)

he has no supports in his costume bc "it makes you look weak" and no support gear either

ok so , his bones are less fucked than canon zuku but hes willing to break them fucking constantly

aizawa actually comes up to him before the sports festival and says "you break your bones, you get disqualified. no excuses"

yagi is p i s s e d but just nods politely to aizawa tells izuku hed better do as aizawa says, as stupid as a request it may be

also izuku really,, wants to paint his nails dumb glittery colours like ochako and mina do so they paint his nails for him! and then at lunch yagi scrubs the polish off with a dish scrubber

to make it worse, mina is sad izuku took it off, but she just

pauses

when she sees his fingers are almost bleeding

"midoriya, what happened?"

"oh haha funny thing, one of our teachers said i might get a uniform violation so i got a little enthusastic with scrubbing it off, sorry!"

aizawa just winces

one of the finals nails in the coffin is todoroki asking if "the tall thin blonde guy" is izukus dad

aizawa says no

todoroki says "good"

s t a i n a r c

so izuku finds iida and steps between iida and stain, starts fighting him, todoroki shows up, stain starts rambling about how allmight is the best hero and todoroki gives him a strange look

"i used to agree. but seeing allmight at school, i dont think hes the icon of morality everyone says"

izuku is spluttering, denying it, stain is just watching them. so stain isnt even fighting them, hes interested. bc this selfless kid is the one shigiraki wants

iida is lost too and he gets this,,, look in his eyes like he's starting to connect some dots

anyway, fight proceeds, they win the nomu tries to carry izuku off, stain stops the nomu and saves izuku and vaguely he realizes the way izuku just, sits in his arms, like he doesnt know how to react to being touched, and he pushes it aside

and he holds izuku close because all he knows is that this boy is kind and good and the world has hurt him and he says that this boy he is holding is the only hero hes ever worth met their salt

oh but after the hero killer thing, yagi storms into the office and hauls izuku out by his injured arm

and tenya and shouto just feel sick

"should, should we tell all might? about how his secretary treats midoriya?"

shouto just glares at the half-open door, quiet apologies drifting down the hall until they turn another corner

"i'm quite sure that man already knows."

[katetheretard]

Countryhumans reaction to depressed s/o

Let's imagine their s/o would suffer from depression, how would the countries handle it?)

Reichtangle-

•He understands:

Being one of the older countries, and also having experience in war, he knows how depression feels.

•"Soothing" words:

He would be sad, knowing that depression isn't as easy as it sounds.

So he would try comforting you in his own, weird, ways.

So a cute speech about happiness and joy would soon turn into him explaining the fears of war and tragedy telling you what he's been through with every little detail.

But, surprisingly, it's soothing! Think about it, he's been fighting so many wars, had been through so much, basically every single country hates him, but he's still here. Still with you!

So you can believe him if he tells you that life is worth living.

•Worship your scars:

Though he would hate the thought that you'd done something like this to yourself, he would worship your every scar like they're the battle scars of a warrior.

Because that's what he sees them like. Depression is one of the hardest battles one could fight, but the problem is that you can't use any kind of weapon. Instead you have to fight it with your bare fists.

And it hurts him even more that he can't help you with that fight.

When you would be insecure about them, he would show you his scars- 'look, Liebling, Theres no need to be ashamed, they only show that you were strong enough to survive something deadly! You should be proud!'

•He would be the definition of overprotectiveness:

There's no need to denie it- Reichtangle is overprotective by nature. But this behaviour would only increase as soon as he knows you suffer from depression. It would go to he point that you can't go anywhere without him, always having to tell him how you feel at the moment and as soon as you tell him someone treated you bad, he would go after that person. As soon as you told him about your depression, he would take everything 101% Seriously. Tell him you have a bad mood and he will flip out and try to snuggle up with you, caress your scars, and tell you how important you are to him. There's no joking if it comes to him.

Third Reich-

•He would be...shocked?

You were always such a happy and loving person, he thought you wouldn't have to struggle with anything, especially since he's here.

Though he would have an understanding of the word depression, you know fighting all the wars and stuff, he wouldn't know too much about it.

•Learning as much as he possibly can

Whilst he wouldn't show it of course, he would be genuinely concerned about you. He would spend nights after nights going on 'Important missions', whilst actually just searching stuff up about depression.

•He would be scared out of his damn mind

People can die from depression?? WHAT IF YOU DIE?!

After having read everything about depression, listened to depressing songs, having watched interviews were people talk about their depression, he would realize that it is much worse than he thought.

I mean, he's been through a lot, but something that kills you from inside? No. He never even thought about experiencing something like that.

And you, his precious s/o had to endure something like that every day? How strong must you be to still seem that happy?

•Would ask you why you didn't tell him earlier

He thought by now you should know that you can tell him everything, for what else would he be here?

You were scared what he would say? What did you think he would say? "Hey you're having mental health issues? Yeah I don't want you anymore, bye!"? Tf?

•Overprotectiveness to the max!

Yes, it's in the family. Just as his dad, third wouldn't hesitate to take a person down that made you feel bad. You're his, so attacking you, physically or mentally, means attacking him too, since you're his other half.

Germoney-

•He'd be terrified

After the second world war, Germoney suffered from depression himself. That in mind, he would be terrified knowing just how much of a burden it can be.

•He'd be there for you

When Germoney suffered from depression, he had nobody to hold onto. Nobody that would care about how he feels, and just because of the things his father did, So Germoney would be more than understanding when you tell him that you have depression.

If you'd cry he'd cry with you, trying everything to make you feel better. And if crying and letting out everything is a way to make you feel even a little bit better, hell gladly take you into his arms and hold you tight.

•Would search a therapist

As previously mentioned, Germoney knows the pains of depression, and he knows that it's extremely hard to handle. He also knows that it's even harder to handle when you're in a relationship. So what will he do? He will ask you to go to a therapist with him.

And yes you got that right, with him. He wants you to know that, with every step you take, he will be there holding your hand and showing you just how much he loves you.

Russia-

•He tries

Russia had a tough childhood, we all know that. Though his father loves him dearly, he never showered Russia in the love and affection needed from a young child. So you can already guess that he's not the best in showing affection either.

When you first told Russia about your depression, he handed you a bottle of Vodka saying "It makes you feel better..."

•Would ask others for help

Russia may have never learned how to show affection well, but that doesn't mean that he won't try. He would ask other countries that may have more knowledge of things like, what they would do.

From that point on, he would try his best to show to you how much he loves you.

•Expect unexpected Cuddling sessions, little presents, random smooches, and lots of headpatting ( Headpats~~~ -w-)

USSR-

•Proud Papa bear

He would puff out his chest, being proud that you've chosen to trust him with your deepest feelings.

After all, depression is a deathly pleague, making you extremely vulnerable.

•O V E R P R O T E C T I V E

You know that one guy talking badly about your figure when you two were going out? Well, he's sitting in a wheelchair now.

That one girl that said you look like a slut? You don't wanna know how she looks like now.

Whilst Soviet would never even consider hurting you, the moment you told him that you have depression it was decided- he will be your protector.

•Will get you an emotional support dog

He knows that even if he wanted to, he couldn't be always by your side.

Knowing this, Soviet bought/adopted you a Husky and trained them strictly.

As soon as someone would touch you without your consent? Bark

Someone seemingly dangerous is coming your way?

Pulls you away by the edge of your chirt 'forgive me, but I can't risk loosing you, master'

Great Britain-

•You what?

He would be furious. Why? Well, at first he thought someone hurt you and made you feel bad, so his first reaction was to bombard you with questions.

Who did this to you? Why didn't you tell me earlier? Where did they hurt you?? What did they say??? When did it happen????

•You'd have to explain it to him

Of course he knows what depression is about! Don't you know how old he is?- yeah, no. You were surprised to find out that Britain never really understood the concept of depression. And as you explained it to him, he was 'Slightly'

embarrassed. Meaning he was as red as a tomato. But he was understanding.

•Would comfort you

Britain is the master of being nice. Really, as soon as you say that you had a bad day, he'll shower you in compliments until you don't know why you were mad in the first place.

He'll just take you into his arms, snuggling into your neck and telling you how much he loves you over and over and over again. And don't even get me started on how he'd react if you'd cry. Britain would start panicking, trying anything to make you smile again.

Just imagine a frightened Britain running around the house, drowning you in blankets and pillows, cuddling you to death and asking you all two minutes if everything is alright.

You just can't feel bad when you have him around.

America-

•[Cries in stupid]

B-but, babes, I-I thought you were happy with me! I-I thought- I mean...d-did I do something wrong? I'm so so so so sorry! Please just don't leave me! You're all I have!

Seriously though, you will most likely be the one ending up comforting him, rather than him comforting you.

•He just??? Doesn't get it???

At first he'd shrug it off, thinking you're just in a bad mood. I mean, you're always so happy and nice! Why would you be depressed? But all of those thoughts vanish as soon as he sees you have a breakdown for the first time. After that moment he will be the one crying.

You just don't know how much it hurts him that you're feeling that way. What did you do to deserve this??

•He'll be always by your side. Always. No ifs and buts.

•Don't even dare say something bad about yourself.

What do you mean with "I'm just a burden for you"?? You're the one having the hard time, not he! And what is "I understand if you don't wanna be near me anymore" supposed to mean?! YOU'RE ALL HE'S GOT WHY WOULD HE EVEN CONSIDER LEAVING YOU!!!

•He would be Angry.

You did what to yourself?! Who is responsible for this??? Who the heck dared to say one. Bad. Thing. About his s/o?

Oh No sweety, he's not mad at you! Just relax (y/n), and let him handle the situation, okay dear?  Those cowards will suffer.

Japan-

•Hush little Baby, don't say a word...

Japan would already know that you have depression.

He always knew.

Remember when you cried yourself to sleep one night when he was on a business trip to meet another country, but the next day you woke up to him snuggling into your back? Well, he told the other countries he was not feeling well, just so he could be with you.

Remember when you had a breakdown in the bathroom of that one restaurant you two were in at your second week of dating? Yes? And remember how he suggested to leave and go to a quieter place, taking you with him to stargaze a bit?

He always knew something was wrong, he just wanted you to feel even just a little better, always trying to do what's best for you and your mental health.

•Then why didn't he tell you that he knew?

Japan is everything, but he's not a Stalker. How was he supposed to explain to you how he saw the sorrow in your eyes whenever you stood up each morning? How your voice cracked when you tried talking happy about yourself... Or how you always seemed so quiet whenever someone told you about their problems... He noticed every single breakdown, every bad thought, he saw every demon following you. He didn't want to loose you to them, but he also didn't know how to talk to you about it.

Also, he didn't want to rush you. You already had a hard time coping with... everything, he didn't want you to do something you weren't ready for yet!

So he waited...waited for the day you would finally tell him how you felt.

•When you would tell him...

OMG SHE FINALL- ehem, I mean...Oh sweety I'm so glad you're open with me...

Seriously, he'd be so happy! Of course not because you happen to have depression, but because you decided to tell him. Him. Of all people out there, you've chosen him to be the one knowing about all of your problems.

And oh, will you feel his pride.

•Romantic over 9000

Random cuddles, candel light dinner, stargazing, walks through the park at night, smooches, headpats, snuggles, you name it.

•Jinsei saiai no hito, let me just quickly...

Break every single FUCKING bone in this FILTHY BASTARD'S BODY-

He would play cool around you, replying with a simple "Anata no Baka..." whenever someone would say something bad about you. But keep in mind, only when you are around.

When you're not though, he would go full Papa bear mode, tearing anybody into tiny little pieces who just so dares to point out one of the flaws that make you the wonderful person you are!

Don't even try telling him to stop, because *hair flip* you only deserve the best baby girl.

Seriously, you're better off accepting it.

[igottoomuchwriting]

For Forever Chapter 2

Series: First Part/Previous Chapter/Next Part

Connor Murphy: i stg if this mom doesnt chill tf out i will find where she lives and fight her

It has been a month since Connor and Evan started talking. At first, it was awkward, but slowly they broke the barrier through text messages and small conversations during English. Slowly they were learning more and more about each other.

Connor loved to read. Any book that they read as a class, Connor loved, even if it was an older one that everyone else thought was boring. One day in English, Connor had overheard a kid talking about how much they hated Pride and Prejudice and Connor started whispering to Evan about how the kid didn’t no good literature, how Lizzy was a feminist icon of the time, Darcy was the best boy and the romance was correctly written and “he was just pissy because he is a fucking white boy that doesn’t understand the hardships that women of those days have had to go through!”

He also loved TLC shows, especially Say Yes To The Dress. That was a shock to Evan, but Connor was talking about different dress one day and Evan was curious on how he knew. Connor was nervous to share, but he knew that he could trust Evan.

That’s what he was texting Evan about now. Hulu had put out new episodes and Connor was watching them while live texting Evan about everything that is going on.

Connor Murphy: SHES CRYING NOW AND THE MOM STILL WONT BUDGE

Connor Murphy: thats it

Connor Murphy: im flying to georiga. Ill see you later evan

Evan Hansen: I know you have that ability so please dont

Connor Murphy: like my parents would let me

Evan Hansen: Find something nice in Georgia that your mom would love to see. I’m sure that will get her going

Connor Murphy: well which is it hansen

Connor Murphy: should i go punch this lady in the face or no

Evan Hansen: Definite no

Evan never really was interested in those shows, but he did watch one episode to see what he loved so much about it. It was a good show, and he really did love Randy and most of the brides that came through the shop. His mom had walked in when he had it on the TV, which sparked a conversation of how they were and who Evan liked.

“You know this is a safe place, honey!” Heidi had cooed.

“I know,” Evan mumbled, looking down at the ground awkwardly.

Since then, he’s been trying to pointedly show that he likes girls, and only girls.

Connor Murphy: oh good the bride won

Evan Hansen: With Randy on her side, how could she not

Connor Murphy: true

Connor Murphy: shit

Connor Murphy: my mom is home

Connor Murphy: i have to go to my bed and pretend to get some sleep

Connor Murphy: night

Evan Hansen: Goodnight

Evan decided that he should probably go to bed too. He had a test tomorrow, and he needed to sleep so he wouldn’t freak out as much when the time came.

He quickly turned off the TV and headed back up to his room.

---

Evan did not get any sleep. Right as he was about to fall asleep, his mom came home. Since he was still delirious, he thought it was a burglar. Suddenly he was awake and on alert, ready to do what he needed to.

Without getting out of bed and drawing attention to himself, of course.

He stumbled off of the bus, shoulders slouched over and tired look in his eyes. His classmates shoved past him in a hurry to get to the cafeteria for breakfast, but Evan just slowly made his way to his locker.

“Acorn!” he heard Jared call. Evan turned around to see Jared walking towards him, same amount of confidence in his walk as he always had. His backpack was slung over his shoulder, so Evan assumed that his first period teacher is either late or has a sub who is late.

“Please don’t call me that,” Evan mumbled.

“Aw, come on! It’s a term of endearment. All fun and games, ya know?” He threw his arm over Evan’s shoulder and they continued the walk to their locker. “It’s a playful jab at a silly mistake you made.”

Evan’s hand shot to his cast, holding onto it gently.

Yeah. A silly mistake.

“I’m gonna come over today after school. My mom’s been wondering why we haven’t been hanging out lately.”

“Oh. Uh, okay.”

“You still got Mario Kart, right?” Evan nodded his head. It was the last gift his dad had gotten him before he left, and even though Evan is not fond of his dad, he still tries to hang on to when life was good.

“Cool! Then we can play that today!” Evan just nodded his head again and opened up his locker. Jared continued to talk about a girl--or the same girl that he met over the summer, he doesn’t know anymore--and Evan turned his head to the side to see Connor at his locker. He was slouched over and seemed to be angrily putting stuff into his backpack.

“Sorry, uh,” Evan spoke, interrupting Jared’s sentence, “I’m gonna go talk to Connor.”

“Really?” Jared turned to look at Connor as threw a book into his locker. He flinched. “I don’t think you wanna talk to that dude right now. He seems like he is in a bad mood.”

“That’s why I wanna, um, talk to him.” He started playing with the bottom of his t-shirt. “I want to see if he’s okay.”

“Your funeral, man,” he said with a shrug. He gave Evan one last violent pat on his shoulder before walking away.

Evan closed his locker and took a deep breath. Connor hasn’t been in a super bad mood since they started talking, so Evan was worried if Connor would even want to talk to him or not.

“Hey Connor,” he mumbled. Connor whipped his head around and shot a glare at Evan.

“What?” he snapped. Evan took a step back and looked down at the ground.

“Well you seem like you’re in a bad mood so I wanted to come over and see if you’re okay but you barely know me so I don’t know why you would even want to talk to me about it. I’m sorry I should’ve have even come over, I’ll leave, I’m sorry,” Evan stuttered out. All his words started blending together and he was stumbling over his words.

Connor sighed and hit his head against the top of the locker.

“No, I didn’t mean to snap at you. You did nothing wrong.” Evan glanced up at him before looking back down.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” he mumbled. Connor was silent for a moment. Evan was just about to turn around and leave him alone when he started talking.

“My parents took my fucking phone last night because they didn’t believe that I was texting someone other than a fucking drug dealer. I told them that no goddamn drug dealer would be answering fucking calls at that hour because they were trying to act like normal fucking people but they took my phone anyway!” He slammed his locker closed and Evan jumped. “They don’t believe a fucking thing I say and it pisses me off because I was actually telling the truth this time!”

Evan looked around the hallway and saw people giving Connor both confused and dirty looks. He didn't know what to do. Jared never came to him for emotional things, and since Jared has been his only friend growing up, he never had anyone else come to him for anything. The closest that he has come to comforting someone was when he walked in on his mom having a breakdown, but even then she turned it around and made sure that he was okay.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “That’s--That, um, sucks.”

“Understatement of the fucking century,” Connor grumbled.

The first bell rang, signaling that students have five minutes to get to class. Connor turned towards the doors at the end of the hallway.

“Wait, where are you going?” Evan anxiously called.

“Anywhere but fucking here.” With that, he was gone.

Evan watched Connor’s dark figure disappear around the corner outside, wondering if he should tell someone. What was Connor going to do? Would he hurt someone?

Would he hurt himself?

“Get to class, Mr. Hansen!” Evan heard a teacher call. Evan looked behind him to see Ms. Asher--the English teacher that no one liked--raising an eyebrow at him. Saying nothing, Evan moved on to his first class.

---

Evan hasn’t seen Connor all day. It was lunch time now and the boy still wasn’t here. Since they started talking more, he and Connor started sitting together at lunch. Connor never ate anything, and Evan did try, but sometimes his anxiety became too much and he just couldn’t stomach what the school was giving him. During those days, Connor tried his best to calm Evan down enough to where he would get Evan to each at least some bland tater tots.

That wasn’t the case today. He sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria, untouched food in front of him.

It’s not like he wasn’t used to this. Jared would never sit by him, always opting to work on programming by himself and not be seen with Evan, and since he had no other friends, he was pushed to the corner of the room.

Evan was deep in thought when he heard a voice.

“Evan Hansen?” Evan snapped his head up, only to freeze when he saw Zoe Murphy standing there, kind smile on her face.

“Oh, uh, yeah. That’s me,” he stuttered out. How long has she been standing there? Was she just waiting for Evan to notice her?

“Sorry to bother you, but can I ask you a question?” Oh okay, straight to the point. Evan wiped his palms on his jeans.

“Yeah! Yeah, of course.”

“Are you and my brother friends?” That’s not what he was expecting.

Are they friends? He doesn’t know if Connor considers Evan a friend, but does Evan?

“Uh, yeah,” he drew out. “Yeah, I guess.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She looked around the lunch room before sitting down across from Evan.

Oh God.

“Do you guys text?”

“Yeah, why?” Did something happen? Why would she need to know if they texted?

“Were you guys texting last night?”

“Yes?” Evan was about to have an anxiety attack. Did Connor tell her? Did Connor spill everything that Evan told him? Is Zoe making sure that this is the Evan Hansen that he is talking to so that she can go around and tell everyone?

“Okay,” she mumbled. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry for asking these questions, but Connor got his phone taken away yesterday and my parents wanted to see if who he was texting went to our school.”

“Oh.” Great, so Connor’s parents read their text messages? There was private stuff in there. He hasn’t even met these people and they already know his fears? Did Connor delete the texts he sent when he was having a mental breakdown?

“I haven’t seen the messages!” she quickly added. “My parents only asked if I knew the name ‘Evan Hansen’ and so I wanted to make sure it was you.”

“Okay,” he mumbled. They sat in a silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say.

Zoe broke the silence.

“When did you two start talking?” The questions continue.

“About a month ago?”

“Why?” Well that’s not going to be shared. How would Evan even say that? Yeah, you’re brother stole something of mine and flipped out on me but I was able to calm him down and get it back and now we are basically becoming best buds!

No.

“He, uh, wanted to apologize for getting mad at me in the hallway on the first day of school.” That was kind of the truth.

“And you guys kept talking because…?”

“He was nice.” Zoe immediately rolled her eyes. Oh no. Did he say something wrong?

“He’s not nice, Evan.”

“Wh-What?”

“He’s a druggie who will turn on you when you make one little mistake.” Evan stared at Zoe in disbelief. Here is Connor’s sister, who is known for being happy and helping others, staring at Evan with an angry look in her eye. She’s spending her time, giving Evan a warning.

“He--I don’t think--would he really?”

“He’s done it to me countless times.” Before Evan could say anything else, she stood up. “I’m not telling you what you should do. I’m just warning you that my brother is a loose canon.” With that, she left.

Evan stared at the spot she had just occupied. Zoe has obviously been with Connor her whole life and she knows more than Evan. If she is giving him a warning, he should listen.

Shouldn’t he?

---

When it was sixth period, Evan didn’t know what to do. Surprisingly, he didn’t have any homework to do for that day. He didn’t want to write a letter to his therapist either, as the only thing that happened today was talking to Zoe.

He decided to walk home. It was the last period of the day, and no one was going to be waiting for him. He also wanted to make sure his house was clean before Jared came over.

Evan didn’t get far off of campus before a truck pulled up next to him. With his headphones in, he didn’t hear the driver call out to him. He did hear the car horn, however.

He whipped his head to see Connor sitting in the truck, looking at him threw the passenger window. He quickly pulled out his headphones.

“Connor?” he asked.

“Get in, Hansen.” Evan didn’t question, he just walked across the grass dividing the street and the sidewalk and into Connor’s car.

Connor pulled out into the road before Evan could buckle his seatbelt fully.

It was silent between the two. Evan wanted to know where Connor went in the beginning of the day, if he was doing better, if he was okay in general.

“I didn’t mean to flip out on you earlier,” Connor stated.

“I know,” Evan mumbled. It was silent again. You would think after talking for a month, they would be a little better at talking to each other.

Evan watched all the trees go by. The radio was playing in the background, and the sky was blue with only a few clouds. Always a little strange for October weather.

“Have you ever been to the orchard?” Connor asked. Evan shot him a confused look.

“What orchard?”

“So I’ll take that as a no.”

“Where is it?” Evan asked.

“Well, it’s closed now, but it was almost like a forest reserve for people to go to. You could have picnics, there was a creek, all that fun stuff.” Evan hummed.

The rest of the car ride was filled with small talk. At some point, they had gotten onto the topic of bands they liked, and it blew up from there.

“You’ve never heard of Hollywood Undead?” Connor laughed. “How the fuck have you not?”

“They’re not a very popular band, obviously,” Evan shot back. Connor turned to him with a look as if he had personally attacked Connor’s work himself.

“They are popular!”

“Sure, Connor.”

“You shut the fuck up, Mr. ‘Taylor Swift is a better country singer than pop’.”

“Well, she is--”

“You have no taste.”

It wasn’t long before they reached where Connor was taking them. Evan looked around as Connor turned off the car and saw trees everywhere, as well as a gate with a sign that said “NO TRESPASSING”.

“Uh, what are we, uh, doing here?” Evan asked.

“We’re gonna walk around.”

“W-Wait, what?”

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor called, ignoring the panic rising in the boy. He hopped out of the car and Evan quickly followed, leaving his backpack in the car.

“We can’t go in!” he called out. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Trust me, it’s fine.”

“What if someone finds us? What if they see your car and come searching and then we get in trouble? What if we get arrested? I can’t have my mom bail me out of jail, and your parents won’t--”

“Evan!” Connor yelled. Evan immediately stopped talking. “It’s fine. I come here all the time. I was just here earlier, and no one found me. No one even thinks about this place anymore.”

Evan nodded his head in understanding and looked down at the ground. He heard Connor take a deep breath.

“Just… Come on. You can trust me.”

Evan followed Connor to the fence. Right under the trespassing sign was a cut part of the fence that looked like it was able to be pushed back. Connor pushed the fence piece back and held it open, motioning for Evan to make his way through.

Evan made it on the other side, careful with his cast, and Connor followed suit. Evan looked around in amazement. How come this place was abandoned?

“This place got closed down after they opened up the park as a national park,” Connor answered his unasked question. “Apparently people feel like going to a national park would be more fun than an orchard, even though it’s the same fucking thing.”

Connor stared walking into the trees and Evan was quick to follow.

It was gorgeous. It was a surprise that he has never seen this place. His mom and dad would always love to take them out and show him the nature, the flowers, the birds. It was a big part of his life, and a big reason why he loved trees. Participating in the Junior Ranger program was a way for him to try and go back to those times.

Happier times.

“So homecoming’s coming up,” Connor stated. “You going?”

“Well, uh, probably not?” Those kind of things were never Evan’s thing.

“Even if a cute girl asked you out?” Connor laughed as Evan blushed. The only girl Evan would even want to ask him out is Zoe, but after their conversation, he has been questioning his relationship with her.

“If someone asked me out, that’d be a shock in itself.”

Connor laughed. “Fair enough.”

“What about you?” Evan asked. “You going?”

“No. No way.”

“Not even if a girl asks you?”

“There’s no girl that could make me go to any dance.” Evan hummed.

“What if your crush asked you? There is a girl you like, right?” Connor gave him a side look and coughed.

“Yeah. A girl…” He didn’t say anything after, and Evan didn’t want to push it, so they fell back into silence.

“We’re here.” Evan gave him a confused look.

“Wait, where?”

“Look.” Evan looked anxiously at the space past the trees Connor motioned to before walking forward.

Past the trees was a big open grass field, surrounded by trees. The wind was blowing the long grass gently and the sun was peeking out from behind the threes, just getting ready to set for the night.

Evan was in shock. This place was gorgeous.

“I assume you like it?” he heard Connor call.

Evan shook his head. “Connor, this--this is amazing! How did you find it?”

“I was just walking around one day and stumbled upon it.”

Evan stared at the whole place. Connor watched him with a smile.

“You said you like to climb trees, right?” Connor asked. Evan stiffened up.

“Um, yeah,” he stuttered out.

“Come on. There’s a tree with really low branches.” Connor started walking away towards a tree that Evan saw stuck out from the rest. It was slightly out of the circle of trees, and Evan understood why Connor chose that one. The branches are definitely lower than the others, and easier for the boys to reach.

“I--I don’t think I can climb right now,” Evan called towards him. Connor turned and gave him a confused look.

“Why not?” Evan just held up his cast. Connor looked at for a second before realization hit. “Fuck, that’s right. I’m a fucking moron.”

“Sorry,” Evan shrugged.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You wanted to climb the tree, and I can’t.” Connor sighed and shook his head.

“That’s not your fault, man.” Evan nodded his head and decided not to say anything else.

His phones started buzzing in his pocket. He quickly pulled it out to see who is was.

It was Jared.

“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath. Connor was next to him now, looking down at his phone.

“Kleinman? What does that fucker want?” Evan opted to not comment on Connor’s obvious hatred of Jared.

“I forgot I was supposed to hang out with him today.” He hit answer and turned away.

“Evan! Where are you?”

“I’m sorry, I was walking home but Connor wanted to hang out--”

“Connor? Connor Murphy? You’re with him right now?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I am headed back right now--”

“Did he kidnap you or something, dude? You guys never hang out outside of school. I never even thought the guy was stable enough to do something.”

Evan anxiously shot a look at Connor, but he was picking at his nail polish, so Evan was sure he didn’t hear Jared.

“He can. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I’m heading back now. Just go inside, I’ll be home soon, ignore the mess.”

“Whatever you say dude. Bye.”

With that, Jared hung up. Evan turned back to Connor, fiddling with his phone.

“I’m sorry Connor, can we--”

“Yeah, we can go back.” Connor clipped. Evan flinched. He looked down at the ground anxiously.

“Sorry, this was fun, but--”

“I know,” Connor forced a smile across his face. “You and Jared had plans. Nothing wrong with that.”

Connor started walking away, and Evan couldn’t help but get the feeling that Connor was truly upset.

He quickly followed Connor back to his car and tired to calm down his anxiety.

“Thank you for taking me here,” Evan said when they got back into Connor’s truck.

“Yeah. We can come back.” Evan looked down to hide a smile.

Connor actually wanted to hang out with him again. Hang out, in public, for no reason other than to hang out with Evan.

Is this was real friendship is like?

[saintmachina]

What were some parts of seminary that you liked, versus ones you didn’t? I’m thinking about my future (read: freaking tf out) and I know I want to study theology in some way, I’m just not sure how exactly, ya feel?

Thanks for the question! Your mileage may vary: I went to a Princeton Seminary, which I would categorize as a theologically/politically moderate, academic, traditional Western-style seminary. Seminary culture varies WIDELY from school to school, so keep that in mind when choosing between, say, a Princeton, which may be a more insular academic community focused on research and internships, and a Fuller, which may be a larger community more integrated with the surrounding city concerned with practical training for missionaries, worship leaders, and Christian artists. This is NOT to say that you can’t learn to be an awesome worship leader at PTS (I know them) or an awesome theology professor at Fuller, but make sure you shop around for your particular cultural, career, and academic needs. 

Things I Loved

The residential experience. Nearly all students at PTS live in beautiful on-campus housing or in apartments specialized for families with children just a few miles away. Living a few minutes walk from the library, my professors’ offices, and the chapel was amazing, especially since students at PTS tend to be sociable with the others who live on their hall. I would often spend my evenings studying with friends in their dorm rooms, and since everyone on campus at any given time tends to eat their meals in the cafeteria together, I formed a strong clique of ten or so people who unpacked my readings + spiritual crises with me at the lunch table. 

Spiritual friendships. I was able to make deeper friends than ever before in my life from a variety of denominational and theological backgrounds. We saw each other through vocational shifts, prayed with each other, administered the Eucharist to each other, celebrated birthdays and ordinations together, and stayed up late into the night when anyone needed us. I would literally drive across the country to bail any of them out of jail at a moment’s notice.  

The emotional crucible. Seminary is bootcamp for the soul. You get exposed to so many new ideas and theologies, learn how to preach, sit at people’s bedside while they’re sick, pull together responses for every new act of violence in the news, and most of the time, are thrust into a leadership role at a church that is either going under and begging you to save them or so large and thriving that it nearly swallows you whole. Nothing will grow you up like that. I have an insane amount of poise now dealing with other people’s crises, rage, or grief, and that wasn’t the case when I matriculated. Pastors are all making it up as we go along, but seminary gives at least the appearance of sage wisdom under pressure. 

Academic engagement with theology. This one seems obvious, but after spending four years in a secular liberal arts university that was tolerant of my enduring interest in religion but didn’t offer me an outlet for it, seminary was balm in Gilead. I loved being able to dig into what I really cared about directly, be that metaphysics, church history, or the Bible as literature, and I thrived being surrounded by other people who cared about it and did the reading and wanted to explore together. 

Freedom to research what I wanted. There are plenty of demanding intro-level courses that throw you to the ground and kick you while you cry into your notecards (New Testament, what’s good) but it was fun being on that ride with the rest of your small cohort, and upper-level classes offered chances to research what you cared about. I got to present research on astrology in the book of Daniel, queer American Muslim communities, IVF treatments and theology in Ghana, overlap in myths about Odin and Jesus, and I did an independent research study linking the emergent church to the spike in Millennials re-discovering the Episcopal and Catholic churches.The library was stuffed to the brim with books I would kill for. What a treat.

The melting pot. PTS DEFINITELY has its ideological and admissions biases but they do work hard to create a diverse student body, and I was close with students from so many different counties, denominations, ethnicities, and political leanings, which was enriching beyond belief. It was one of the big reasons I chose a seminary degree. That said, not all schools skew diverse, and I was very specific about choosing a seminary that was explicitly affirming of women in ministry and the goodness and wholeness of LGBTQ+ folks, so I knew that I would be supported by general school policies. Getting that information up front is important. 

Access to university resources. This one is PTS specific, but I went to a independent seminary closely linked to and basically on the same campus as Princeton University (they were the same school back in the 1800s until an amicable split, but we’re still cozy). This meant that I had access to Princeton U libraries, free events, lectures, and religious life, and I was a member of the Episcopal Church at Princeton U for most of my time at seminary. People bribe admissions officials or work themselves to nervous breakdown to get access to the resources I had at my fingertips, and I don’t take that for granted. 

The aesthetic. If I’m gong to take tens of thousands dollars of loans out for graduate school you bet you’re ass I’m going to be sitting in American Hogwarts while I do it. 

Things I Did Not

The cliquishness. This one is a double-edged sword, because I thrived on having a clique of high-functioning. highly-educated pastors who ate at the same lunch table and gossiped about the same people and showed up to campus parties in a gang, but that’s not always healthy. People tended to fragment off by denomination or where they fall on the liberal-conservative scale, and differences can fester that way. Students of color were often implicitly excluded from certain spaces through this behavior. Humans skew towards tribalism to begin with, but when you put super socially-oriented people with strong beliefs in one space where they have to live on top of each other and are looking for low-effort socializing after a long day in the trauma ward, confessional, or picket line, it gets worse. 

Imposter syndrome. Maybe it’s grad school in general that does this, but I spent most of my degree fighting off the feeling that I was dumb, lazy, not serious enough about my “calling” or my research, and probably a heretic. Part of my character growth came from learning not to give a fuck about what people who didn’t share my passions thought of them, and from realizing that I wasn’t on the ordination or PhD track like most of my peers, and that was okay. So I grew from this, but it stung like hell. I cried a lot.

No handholding. The professors at PTS were, by and large, old school, and they were busy as hell. While there was opportunities for office hours, most engagement with professors came in the performative form of “a question, well, more of a comment really” during lectures. Students, (mostly men, I’m not going to lie to you) scrambling for a good letter of rec for a PhD tended to monopolize whatever time professors had. I can think of exceptions (Ellen Charry was exceptional and made time for me in her home when I was struggling to unpack antisemitic theology) but it was a far cry from the literature department in my undergrad, where professors were accessible and knew me personally as mentors and friends. 

Caregiver burnout. This is my big one, and is the reason I’m still in recoup mode doing the office job thing instead of working in formal ministry. Everyone at my school was a pastor, hospital chaplain, activist, or social worker. We are the people who care so much, and who are constantly doing emotional labor for those around us with no time off and usually, poor personal boundaries. Working in a field where it is your job to hold everyone’s hurt and be the face of God to them while their life falls apart is….hard. It was not unusual for me to work ten hours at Penn on my feet in campus ministry, helping people sort through whether or not they wanted to report their sexual assault, holding mini-interventions about excessive drinking, and scrambling to re-schedule worship night after my volunteer went to the hospital after a suicide attempt, and then ride the train home while my phone blew up with news of a new mass shooting that I would have to help host a candlelight vigil for. You hold your parishioner’s hand while they die in hospice. You watch social services take your client’s children away. You stand still while someone screams at you for being too political in your sermon, or not political enough. You sit down to do the budget only to realize the beloved pastor who just retired had been embezzling. Typical Tuesday. 

A lot of the items on these lists are specific to my temperament and the culture at PTS, but by and large I would say it was an amazing experience well worth my time, effort, and money. I pushed myself academically beyond what I believed I was capable of, made the deepest friends of my life, found a home denomination, learned how to effectively care for others and myself, and was met by God in transformative ways again and again. Someday I may get that ordination or work for a ministry nonprofit again, but I have skills now that no one can take away from me, skills I use every day in some capacity. 

Good luck in your discernment process, and I pray you find yourself in exactly the place you need to be!

[myinnerwasteland]

Fuck

I hate my mum so fucking much. I shouldn't but I feel it. I’m just so fucking mad because she’s she. I fucking fuck o my god I just arghhhhhgggggfhshgskwwj fucking ARGHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHH the fuck she make me do things? Why the fuck does whatever she say to me piss me off this much. I don’t give a shit about her words and constant nonsense about the same shit okay! And why the fuck does she drag something on for so long?! You can always always always fucking see I’m in the middle of some shit. Whether it’s tv or fucking all set to leave the house. Yet you’ll fucking talk and keep me from it. And I always try so fucking hard to just stand or sit there and hear your fucking shit I don't wanna hear. I don’t listen. I just hear bc that’s all I can naturally do. Seriously the shit she talks about with me doesn’t ever interest me and Ive no energy or will for it. I just wanna go on about my life and never be stopped for a minute. I have my own wars beefing me in here already. I barely fucking watch tv either. Today’s my day off in like absolute fucking ages. I hadn’t spent a day at home for weeks and she's out here talking on the phone needing the tv volume low and being her usual loud on the phone and I can’t hear shit on the tv? but when she watches tv were not allowed to make a fucking sound? only double standards from this woman aggravate me on a level as high as this. Later she even hoovers in the same room for 15 fucking minutes, are you dumb? It’s not a fucking mile long mate why take that long I'm building all this shit load of adrenaline and already fuming after 5 minutes of her presence with this clutter. I watched her the whole time instead bc she was blocking the fucking tv and sound with the bloody Hoover noise so I was forced to see all this instead. All I wanted was to watch this single programme man. that's all. it may not matter in 2 days or 5 years but I wanted this, for now, for the moment I desired this. So tell my why tf does it take that long to Hoover this small space in our living room? I swear the longer she took outside of 5 minutes pissed me the fucck offf and I was just there sitting, building samosas and fuming. I really couldn't help it. this part of my life everything made my blood boil. my mother was sitting at top throne of that fucking trigger mate. Fucking hell the way I always hold shit in with her just takes me soo mad I can’t even explain. All my nerves will explode and I could die. 

My fucking 7 year old shit of a little cunt sister pissed me off as well too. Several times today. I was watching tv during the time my mum made me come down and make somosas while she was also talking on the phone like I said. I wanted her to just leave bc I couldn’t hear the tv and she also made us minimise the volume. The fucking nerve. Anyway I make her leave when there’s not much left to do with the somosas now. I switch to the plus one channel bc I wanna watch the whole royal programme again hearing every word of it and I can get what I wanted out of today finally. But noooooo now this little cunt who refused to leave the room now too kept making a million loud and unnecessary fucking noises and I was just so astonished at how she was so capable at making so many annoying sounds with her presence. How can she make that much noise in front of my eyes and why were they so heightened. They were bangs and shuffles and paper crunch and jar closing noises. Like I told her several times nicely to stop! I can’t hear the tv. And already bc I have to speak out to her underdeveloped brain I was again missing the programme. 

Mums in my room now calmly, like usual utters make sure you put it blah blah so they don’t end up somehow back in the dirty laundry and omdssss it was like bitch why the fuck are you even talking since you came up. I’m mad rn and you’re bursting my fucking bubble again. I was hanging on by a fucking thread and could have gone to bed mad with all that shit I was feeling about her but noooo she came up talking in such a calm manner while I'm so mad and dying the fuck inside. And calm talk when I’m fucking mad coming from the person I’m mad at and especially from my mother again pisses me of like a knife to the gut. My anger and level of resentment it ain’t normal so don’t tp me over the fucking edge but ya did didn't ya! these days breathing even pisses me off so imagine my mother fs. Anyways she now says to me in a subtle manner don’t be angry and just like that, I’ve lost it. I just said something automatically back. I said WHY YOU ALWAYS IN MY STUFF she goes.. who? I say YOUUUU, DONT EVER TOUCH MY SHIT AND STAY OUT IF IT WHY YOU ALWAYS TOUCHING IT AND DONT EVER TOUCH WHATVER IS MINE IN MY ROOM AGAIN Like I’m so mad man bc wtf when I entered my room beforehand I knew instantly shit was touched. My resentment mingled with emotions of anger is mega mega heavy when my shits touched by anyone. Especially this little shit and my mum bc that’s when shit goes missing, things are mistaken for rubbish and then things are misplaced. I don’t like that shit. I don’t. I don’t like it. It pisses me off in a different way. Do not touch my shit. Like noooo I don’t carrrreeee, if you think it’s rubbish I don’t caaaree leavveeeeee it motherfuckering alooooneeee. I don’t care if there’s a dead rat laying in the centre of my room. Do. not. fucking. move. it. My mum yeah comes in and does what she likes. I noticed some things that were different from last I saw it and something that didn’t mean much that I kept she threw away the other day and I picked it up again bc I could have added it to a rubbish collection of mine and today it’s gone again. Are you dumbbbbbb when I noticed that amongst a couple other things like earlier she had my sibling bring down a handful of my Nike socks to put in the wash FUCK SAKE what? Fuckk off now, no! Do nooot dooo that! OMDS fs I was so mad and agitated I don’t like it man like I don’t I could cry. I can’t tell you why it deeply bothers me but it does so please do not touch my shit fucking hell! I don’t care if it’s dirty. I’ll handle it bc I literally decide when to take it down for a wash and until I make that decision and you done it for me? no that's not okay. idk why I get this deep angered feeling man but just fuck off. Then a mention from her the other day saying why do I keep my room so junked with condiments shoved with shit inside, like keep less. And that came about in my head during all this madness so that added to today’s events and why in a burst of anger I said why do you touch my stuff etcetera. She never said nothing and just went down because she knew I was mad now. To her over nothing but to me over fucking everything. It’s a whole days worth of built up anger man and I don’t have the will to go on telling you everything on why I’m mad toward you bc I’ll breakdown form it all and I really don’t want to bc you happen to be my fucking mother and I don’t like later regretting the very true shit I’d say in this state. But it kills not to as I  bottle it up and feel the pain of these unsaid things. better me than you though. 

I balled my eyes out just before writing all this bc I was angry I could not. Got that fucking pain in my neck from holding back the cry. Like reading through it sounds like why did I get so mad and cry about it all. But it was a whole days worth of built up anger and other little things through out so I stood there then in my room for a moment then with all the anger and mean words inside me that I wanted to say out loud that I couldn’t therefore didn’t. I was just feeling it all. Then my dad came up saying whats up, am I mad and stuff like tell me. I kept saying nothing and that each time he said something to me. Bc obviously he heard my tantrum thrown at my mum. Heck the whole house heard. I didn’t scream or yell thaaat loud but it was me in the house who was being angry and throwing a fit today. So yeah after dad left my room door almost closed I sat and I cried silently. I just hate so many things about my mum man. I don’t even think hate is the right word. I just don't wanna be her anything. She is what makes me tick most. The things she says to me about all things and even about me. Like I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it. If I hear it I just get mad I don’t get hurt. or maybe I do get hurt and subliminal ignore the hurt and instantaneously replace it with emotion of severe anger with a lot of resentment. Like it just bothers me I can’t be myself bc she’ll throw the biggest fit and occasionally cry bc you’ll feel so shameful of your daughter being anyway that you don’t want or approve of. Like that’s why i hide so much of me already and have to leave the house before she catches a glimpse of me and come home making sure the same thing. I tread carefully around my mum bc she will throw the ugliest and meanest fits that I cannot allow her to feel or cause vibes in the house bc of. Like it’s too much. So if there’s anything I can do to help that than I will hide and be who I am. It’s all so complicated man. last thing I did was get up before getting in bed and slam my door shut so she can hear know I'm maaaad. it felt good. Hope it have her a shock. 

Like idek why I run to my blog. I just had to let it all out somewhere and I hadn’t cried in forever so that was something.

I’m fucking hungry too. I barely ever eat and there’s nothing to eat. Nothing appetises me at all

Fuck I still feel shit

[johnnybby]

pony and his gf’s wisdom teeth removal - headcanons

requested by 2 anons! - hope u like them!

u come out of surgery and he’s like

“heyyy how r u feeling? :)”

and u greet him w nothing but roasts

“awwwwww ponyyyyyyyy ily”

“pony-kid”

“horsechild”

“love my love”

“loVE of my LOVE

"what were ur parents thinking”

“it started normal and then it really just went downhill huh”

“you say original, i say just plain cruel”

“like i just don’t understand how people could be so mean to a baby”

“i mean……look at u….. ur cute and decent….just….why ‘ponyboy’”

“who had the breakdown”

“and why is ur brother named darrel”

“might as well have called him milkshake or something”

“milkshake curtis”

“I’m gonna start calling dairy (darry) that now”

he looks to the doctor and he’s like

“ok so when will this stuff wear off???”

“why is she bleeding so much??”

“is her face ok”

pony cant fuckin drive so

he’s there for moral support <3

darry is ofc the one to drive

but when they get @ the Curtis house,

“pony r u sure u got this”

“omg yeah for sure im sure we’ll be fine”

“ok well i gotta go food shopping. steve has off today and if he isn’t hangin around soda u can call him over to help”

“steve”

“yeah ste-“

“i woNT NEED HELP FROM HIM”

im tellin u its been like 9 minutes and pony calls steve at the DX (he won’t pick up his house phone bc he’s at the DX hangin round soda) & he’s literally hyperventilating that blood is everywhere

soda picks up the phone first lmao

“STEVE I NEED HELP”

“never thought i’d hear u say that”

“SODA WTF GIVE THE PHONE TO STEVE UR NOT HELPING”

“wtf do u want pony” (steve)

and tbh you’re knocking shit over and tripping over yourself before u end up spitting ur gauze at pony while he’s on the phone??

“OH GOD ITS ON ME”

“pony wtf are u talking about”

pony practically whispers into phone bc he’s about to have a breakdown

“she just won’t stop knocking over things”

* huGE crash from the living room*

“ok well pony…….im…..busy…….”

darry eventually comes back after 20 minutes bc he forgot his wallet

and he opens the front door to see but nothing but a wrecked living which makes him vv concerned (like omg did they get robbed)

but then he follows the sound of crying which leads to soda and pony’s room

he opens the door and there u guys are

darry thought it was just u sobbing

but it turns out that pony’s cryin with u

like u are v emotional and u keep falling asleep in the middle of sobbing

and pony just doesnt know how to handle it??? so he cries

there are tissUES EVERYWHERE

and melted ice cream sitting in a bowl

darry’s just “OK WHY R U CRYING”

and u lose it??

“GOD IM SORRY I FAILED U MILKSHAKE”

“I MADE FUN OF PONY’S NAME IM AN AWFUL PERSON I KNOW”

”milkshake??? but pony why are yOu crying??”

“IM CRYING BECAUSE I FEEL BAD”

“SHE DOESNT juST DOESNT DESERVE THIS”

“PONY, SHE NEEDED TO GET HER WISDOM TEETH OUT”

“BUT LOOK AT HER SHES MISERABLE”

they both look over at u, but this bitch is literally knocked tf out and drooling peacefully

darry will never let pony live this down js

[adifferentbreedofcowgirl-blog]

Lessons from unexpected places

So admittedly today was not a good day for me in terms of being a good horsey mama. I wanted to move Mirage to her new barn (spoiler alert, it didn’t happen). I wasn’t expecting any real trailering issues. She’d been into the vets trailer just a few weeks ago with barley a hesitation, admittedly under light sedation though. So here I am, walking her up to this trailer with no ramp that she’s never seen before, smells like pigs and lammas, and is a two horse straight load made box trailer. She sniffs, dramatically puts one foot up so far in front of her I know before she even tries that she’s going to fail to get her other foot up. So commense the hokey pokey *fast forwards in Montage mode ‘you put your left hoof in, you take your left hoof out, you put your left hoof in and you paw it all about, you do the naughty horsey and you back yourself right out, toss your head all about, hey!’* so after all of two minutes of this where she’s starting to get half her body in and making progress, my barn owner decides to 'help’. She grabs a whip (please keep in mind that Mirage is a hot headed young horse whose last owner believed whips were only good for lunging as far as I know) and starts waving it and clucking. So Mirage turns and starts trying to lunge, but she’s still attached to me, so she freaks out cause wtf is going on? So the barn owner decides to hit her on the butt. Well that escalated the situation to the point of Mirage doing little hoppy bucky things and the barn owner threatening to kick her back, then finally the BO deciding that it would be helpful to yell at Mirage to get the hell into the trailer and crack the whip loudly. At this point I have a horse who is freaking tf out to the point of being willing to run over people and all but rip my arms out of my sockets. Thankfully my helper spoke up for me and suggested we go lunge her and generally let her calm down, I take advantage of the out but at this point I’m already having a mental breakdown. Que Mirage spooking at the electrical box and attempting to run over my helper in addition to knocking over a ladder and almost very seriously hurting herself on it at which point my anxiety filled self is full of, well, anxiety. I start freaking out about how I want to get her out of there and how she HAS to load. And as most people know, when you’re in the mindset of 'THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN NOW’, horses tend to be 10x less cooperative. So after about 15 mins of trying to muscle her into the trailer which she won’t go within 5 feet of at this point, I beg my helper who until then had just been patiently chilling to take her for a moment so I can calm down a bit since I’m about to cry (what is emotional stability again?) Well this amazing man (who happens to be my dad, who my whole life I’ve just known as a quiet guy who can be nice but also has a super short fuse and can be quite terrifying) decides he will not only help, but will unintentionally remind me what I really wanted to do. When I came back from my mental breakdown he was sitting in the trailer by the breast bar with Mirage, just chilling. She had her front feet in and she wasn’t tossing her head or preparing to back out, where as just minutes ago I'd barley been able to get her to put a foot on for half a second. He wasn’t pulling her further in or putting any pressure on her at all really, just offering patient support and some scratches, letting her sniff and think and relax. As I saw her playfully ruffel his hair with her lip (aww) and beg him for under-halter-scritches, I remembered what was really important. It wasn’t getting her onto the trailer now, it was setting up a positive experiance that would help her load into every trailer forever, that would continue to build the foundation of trust that I value so much with her. We didn’t get her fully loaded. But she got as far in as she could without putting her back feet in, which is an improvement. And that’s what training is all about, or atleast the kind I want to do. Small improvements, positive experiances, and lots of patience.