#noah hard at work never fails to make me laugh xD

[nocturnalazure]

Author's note: Noah's experience with Golzines "barging in without warning" is mostly due to Sam (here and here). Maybe also Nathaniel.

[thebarsondaily]

A Perfect Christmas

for @barsonaddict

Title: A Perfect Christmas Author: CUtopia (roseinutopia) Rating: T for some minor language Summary: Olivia and Rafael’s first Christmas as a couple, as a family, comes up and they’re looking forward to celebrating it quietly. Naturally, Lucia Barba has other plans for her grown family, and throws everything upside down. - Barson family, Barba family and the squad (with Mike Dodds because he isn’t dead!) A/N: A big thank you to thebarsondaily for betaing this fic. It definitely got out of hand, I promise I didn’t plan to write 8,7k words on this and submit last minute. Ugh.

Hey barsonaddict, surprise XD I hope you like your present, I had a hard time keeping quiet about it

Winter had been a little shy, but December brought a biting cold to New York City, and with it, the snow came, to Noah Porter Benson’s delight. Soft flakes floated from the low-hanging grey clouds endlessly, covering the city with a thick, white blanket inviting kids to play in the parks that had become a true winter wonderland, untouched havens in the middle of the concrete towers. Until the very last light of the day had faded, the gleeful laughter of snow-covered children would fill the air at the parks. Tiny, excited voices told the parents and babysitters about the snowmen they’d built when the adults had finally managed to coax the kids away from the fun with the promise of hot chocolate.

Usually, Rafael Barba would hurry past the park, maybe his phone pressed to his ear, his mind too occupied with work or the desire to get home and out of the cold to notice the children, or even the beautiful fairy lights that seemed to hang in every single tree. Unaware of how their warm light broke the cold, the darkness, he would have walked home, not even knowing that he’d missed a beautiful sight.

How times had changed.

Today, he was in the middle of the string of parents and children, holding Noah’s hand as his cousin Delfia and them lingered a moment longer to look at the lights, their cheeks pink from the cold. He was feeling more relaxed than ever, no restlessness coming over him as he stood still, admiring the lights before glancing down at the little boy next to him. Noah’s eyes were gleaming in wonder as the lights reflected in them, and he seemed to hold on to Rafael’s hand a little tighter, smiling. Fia had a smirk on her lips, even visible while a thick scarf covered most of her face to prevent her from getting a cold; he’d known her since the day she was born, he could just tell.

“What is it?” he asked dryly, and the younger woman shrugged, a light chuckle coming from behind the scarf.

“It’s just adorable how domestic you’re being, Rafi, that’s all. Suits you, really. You might just spend a Christmas without being a Grinch.”

“You were a Grinch, Rafa?” Noah asks in shock, almost losing his woolen hat – knitted by Lucia – when his head snapped up. “Why? Don’t you like Christmas?”

Fia leaned down to pull Noah’s hat back down over his ears while Rafael shot her a glare - the last he wanted was for the Christmas enthusiast Noah to think that he disliked the holiday.

“I do like Christmas, amigo. I really do. I was just… really lonely the last years, you know? Fia was dancing in Chicago and the evenings with Abuela were very quiet. So I wasn’t really looking forward to Christmas. When you’re lonely, you sometimes dislike things just because you have nobody to share moments with.”

Noah, ever the sensitive and smart boy, stopped to think about Rafael’s words for a moment, then smiled. “So you’re really the Grinch, Rafa! The Grinch only hated Christmas because he was lonely! Like you!” he exclaimed, obviously proud of his deduction, and Fia laughed lightly while Rafael frowned.

“Don’t worry, Rafa, now you’re not alone anymore!” Noah added, leaning against his leg. “You have Mama and me and Abuela and Fia! You’ll never be alone again!”

“Awww, stop being so adorable, pequeñajo!” Fia cooed, giving Rafael the time to gather himself - Noah’s words had hit him hard, though not in a bad way. The thought that he was being loved, that he had a family now, people that cared about him… and that Noah adored him, even though he’d been kind of awkward around him in the beginning… It made his heart feel heavy, because he didn’t know how he’d been able to live without this pure love the boy was giving him. Or without Olivia and her miraculous ability to make him feel like he was a better man than before they’d met.

“I’m happy about that, mijo,” Rafael said, more to himself than to Noah and Fia; Fia gave him a soft smile before taking Noah’s hands.

“Come on, boys, let’s go home. Your Mama will be home soon, and I got a bad feeling about having left your Abuela alone at your place.”

Confusion wrinkled Rafael’s forehead, and he sent her a questioning glance. “Why? She’s only cooking dinner.”

“I don’t know, call it what you want, I feel like it wasn’t a good idea,” Fia replied with a shrug as they started their short walk home, looking forward to getting out of the wet clothes. “She’s been weirdly silent about Christmas, and that just can’t be a good sign.”

“You haven’t been home for Christmas for a few years, Mamí really isn’t making a big deal out of it. A nice dinner, a few quiet hours together, done. You’re imagining things, seriously.”

Biting her bottom lip, Fia didn’t pursue the topic any further, though she still couldn’t shake off the feeling that Rafael was way too optimistic about his mother. Lucia Barba’s main trait was that she was unpredictable and could come up with ideas when you least expected it. But maybe Rafael was right, and she was worrying too much.

By coincidence, Olivia was just coming home when they arrived in front of her apartment building. Noah didn’t waste time to tell his mother about the giant snowman they’d built together – at least to Noah it had been giant, as it was taller than him, but neither Rafael nor Fia corrected his story. Olivia listened to her son with a soft smile on her lips, only taking her attention off him briefly to kiss Rafael.

A little later, in the elevator, she sent Fia a smirk. “Thank you for having an eye on them on your day off. Did they behave?”

Fia chuckled lightly as she pulled her scarf and hat off. “Noah was on his best behaviour, like always. Only Rafi checked his emails once or twice. I guess we won’t be able to get that out of him. But for a day off it was respectable, really!”

Rafael chose to ignore their teasing, concentrating on Noah who seemed to think that Rafael needed a refresher on Santa and everything about Christmas now that he was leaving his ‘Grinch-hood’ behind him. Chatting happily, the little group got off the elevator and Olivia unlocked the door for them, only to stop on the threshold and wonder if they’d gotten into the wrong place. She couldn’t remember her apartment looking like this when she’d left it this morning. Behind her, she could hear Fia cursing in Spanish and Rafael gasp, so shocked that he even failed to scold his cousin for having a foul mouth in front of Noah.

It was as if a shop for the most kitschy Christmas decorations had exploded, resulting in one of the most tasteless arrangements of overcompensating decorations that Liv had ever seen.

“Didn’t you say Lucia isn’t into Christmas that much, Rafi?” she hissed under her breath, turning her head to glare at her boyfriend, who was staring at the garish spectacle with wide eyes. The giant singing plastic angel next to their shoe rack had effectively rendered him speechless. Fia was blinking rapidly as if she hoped that the copious amounts of ornaments with photos of the family printed on them dangling from the false pine branches hanging over the doorways were just a weird hallucination.

Only Noah seemed less skeptic about all the glitter and kitsch and skipped through the hallway when Lucia stepped out of the kitchen with a satisfied grin. “Hey ninõ, did you have fun in the park today? I cooked us quesadillas!”

She hugged the little boy and pressed a kiss to his brown locks, smirking at the three adults still standing in the doorway, shocked and unmoving. “Now, what do you say about my decorations? I decided that after the last years without any we should make a little more effort. For Noah, you know?”

Olivia forced out a polite smile, still not having gotten used to opposing Lucia – she didn’t know how Fia and, sometimes, Rafael did it, she definitely wasn’t brave enough for that – while Rafael made a weird noise. Noah was too busy exploring the other rooms to really react, and so the only real opposition came from Fia. “Horrible.”

Lucia shot her niece a glare, a scene that had taken place between them so many times that nobody really paid attention anymore and neither of the protagonists really cared about it all.

“Now, come in, take your jackets off, dinner is ready,” Lucia ordered resolutely and turned back towards the kitchen, heavenly smells now reaching everyone’s nostrils, and everyone’s shock started to fade a little at the promise of her delicious food.

-

A little later, they were seated at the table, Olivia and Rafael chatting about workplace gossip while Noah tried to eat his weight in quesadillas. Fia was trying to ignore her aunt’s complaints about the little amount of food she was eating and felt relief rush through her when Lucia’s focus shifted abruptly.

“Now, I’m sure you’ve all noticed the decorations…” Fia bit her bottom lip so hard that she almost drew blood to keep herself from saying something- “… and I guess I should tell you the reason for them. I thought it would be nice for us to celebrate Christmas traditionally, as a family. It’s the first year we’re all together, and Liv, Rafi, it’s your first Christmas together, so we should make it special, yes?”

Fia frowned and Rafael could tell that she wished she had a show on Christmas Eve to avoid all the hustle and bustle they knew Lucia would definitely go for. Olivia kept her expression neutral, not really sure what to expect from such a decision – and it was a decision, Lucia definitely wouldn’t leave them a choice – and Noah had a big smile on his cheese-covered face. Having a full house probably sounded amazing to him, considering that he only knew how it was to spend Christmas alone with his mother and his expression killed the last bit of resistance. “As long as it’s not over the top,” Rafael said weakly, glancing at the huge advent calendar occupying the wall next to the dining table, and he knew that his words would go unheard. Lucia was already having a serious case of Christmas fever, and everyone at the table knew that they had no other choice than to play along. She was over the moon at the thought of a big family Christmas, and there Rafael and Olivia had thought that they were excited about their first holiday together.

It had been a long way to this point, to taking the leap, with many dates and long talks about what-ifs, fears and hopes slowly building the base of their new relationship.

Their eyes met, and Olivia shrugged subtly while giving him a soft smile, as if to say “Let her have her fun.” while Lucia talked about big dinners, rituals and who knew what.

“And then I remembered how much your squad is like your family and I thought maybe we could have a little Christmas party with your colleagues, Olivia. And Rafi, you could invite Rita and Carmen, of course.”

Olivia and Rafael both froze and Fia raised an eyebrow; tension suddenly built up inside the room, and Rafael sat a little straighter, clearing his throat slowly while obviously carefully calculating his next words. “You still remember that we haven’t told anyone but Rita yet, right?”

Lucia waved dismissively, rolling her eyes dramatically. “I don’t understand this hide and seek game. It’s ridiculous.”

“Lucia, Rafael and I agreed to take small steps for the sake of our careers-”

“Your bosses approved, you said, no?” Lucia interrupted her in an annoyed tone, and Rafael’s expression darkened. Of course Chief Dodds and the DA had been informed about their relationship right after they’d decided that they were ready to take the leap, and the two had indeed approved - though with a warning. They’d acknowledged that they’d known that this had been bound to happen, but if they let their personal life interfere with their jobs, they would have to bear the consequences.

And this very serious warning had led to Olivia and Rafael deciding to limit the number of people that knew about the change in their relationship for now until the biggest part of the transition was over. Of course Noah had known from the start, so had Lucy, and Rafael had told his mother and Fia about them because Lucia would have killed him if he hadn’t, and Fia was the person he’d genuinely wanted to share his new happiness with.

To their surprise, it had been easier to hide their love than they’d expected; the change in their relationship ultimately wasn’t as big as they’d anticipated, making them realise how close they’d already been the whole time. They refrained from more than their usual touches and private moments at work, and they found that they liked having their little secret, their new relationship safely resting in a small cocoon.

Well, once they’d slipped, though. Carmen had been away to get lunch, and Olivia and Rafael had used the opportunity to snog on the couch in his office, letting themselves be carried away by the moment. Of course Rita had walked in in that exact moment, cursing like a sailor about the scene before grumbling a “Finally" and marching out again.

Luckily, that remained the only revelation, and, surprisingly, the only close call, too. While they probably suspected something - they seemed to have since Barba had started to work with them regularly – Liv’s squad never got a confirmation about their theories.

And naturally, Lucia disapproved.

She didn’t understand - didn’t even try, which was so like her - why they would want to keep their happiness from the people they worked with every day and who they considered family. If they would let her, she would shout it from the rooftops that her son, the notoric bachelor and workaholic, had finally found his true love and that her niece, the notoric bachelorette and workaholic – Lucia suspected it ran in the family – would be next. Lucia wanted everyone to know, to make everyone jealous with beautiful family photos and big wedding invitations and “We’re having a baby" announcements because her friends had been showing just these to her for literal decades. Late revenge was better than no revenge - a Lucia-ism.

And this led to the phrase she’d hauled at Rafael and Olivia since even before the day they’d gotten together: “Stop the hiding!”

“Mamí…”

“Just imagine how sad and disappointed they would be if they realised you kept this good news from them even during the family holiday!” Lucia argued, though all the adults in the room knew that this was about her, Lucia, and no one else. Noah only knew he wanted another quesadilla, and with all the adults so conveniently distracted, no one could stop him from getting himself another to stuff himself.

“Tía, just leave them the fuck alone. It’s their choice, you can’t force them to change it just because you want to send out ugly forced Christmas cards,” Fia said, trying to support Olivia and Rafael, which of course caused Lucia to glare at her.

“Language, Delfia!”

“Seriously, Tía…”

“Your first Christmas back home, and you’re not bringing a man…”

“Mamí, enough!” Rafael grumbled, loud enough for Noah to look up in surprise, and this reaction finally stopped Lucia. The last thing she wanted was for Noah to witness his family fighting with each other.

“We’ll discuss this after Noah is in bed,” she said with a forced smile, sitting a little straighter and reaching out to ruffle Noah’s curls.

“There’s nothing to discuss,” Rafael stated firmly while Olivia touched his hand under the table, gently squeezing his fingers to calm him. The expression on Lucia’s face told him that she wouldn’t miss the opportunity to try and open this topic again, but for now she stopped, to everyone’s relief. Slowly, the tension left the room again, and Rafael saw Fia release a breath.

Luckily for everyone, Lucia had to leave early, called away by a friend who had an emergency, and before Fia left the three swore that they would keep their eyes open concerning Lucia and her determination to have the perfect Christmas.

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” Olivia said with an optimistic smile as Fia hugged them goodbye, and Fia and Rafael could only smile weakly, knowing that her hopes wouldn’t be fulfilled.

OoO

For a few days, it was surprisingly quiet.

Lucia didn’t text anyone of her family more than the average, only called once or twice to ask if she should pick Noah up from preschool, and didn’t mention Christmas apart from presents for Noah.

And that made Rafael horribly uneasy.

Maybe Fia had been right.

Olivia thought that he was being unreasonably paranoid, despite having learned by now that Rafael and Fia rarely exaggerated when it came to Lucia. Over the last days she’d subtly removed the most garish components of what had Lucia called decoration and thrown them into the trash with huge satisfaction, discovering hilarious things again and again. Yet she thought that maybe Lucia only had done this to make fun of them and that her actual Christmas plans were harmless.

The day Rafael could call her a sweet summer child and have her agree with him arrived quicker than anybody had anticipated.

A mere week after that dinner that had aroused the discussion about the secret of their relationship, Olivia and Rafael were sitting in Rafael’s office, going through trial preparations when Rafael’s phone suddenly started vibrating.

Once, twice.

Followed by that were so many vibrations that the device moved over the smooth surface of the coffee table towards the edge, and he hurried to grip it, cursing under his breath. While he unlocked his phone, the vibrations stopped with one last message popping up on the screen: Tell me what you think, mijo.

Rafael raised an eyebrow and opened the messenger, groaning when a dozen pictures started loading; Olivia leaned in to glance at the screen too when Rafael grumbled: “Mamí, what the fuck…”

The heap of pictures turned out to be screenshots of recipes, and with messages in between, Lucia had combined them to five course menus, one more complicated than the other. “Does she seriously plan to-,” Olivia started, her eyebrow now cocked too, but before she could finish the sentence her phone started vibrating violently as well, and another dozen messages flooded Rafael’s phone once more.

Mamí: Thought it would be more convenient to have us all in one group so everyone can see the suggestions and tell me what they think.

A few more pictures arrived in the newly created group “Christmas Dinner” that Lucia had added Rafael, Olivia and Fia to, and Rafael shot Olivia a glance. “You still convinced she won’t make a big deal out of this?”

Frowning, she shifted a little on the couch. “Well… maybe she’s just excited and it will go away soon?”

“You’re being naive again, Livy. She’s well past that point by now, unfortunately. We’ll have the most bourgeois Christmas she can think of.”

Mamí: Hey, I found these sweet Christmas tree decorations! They would be ideal for our tree!

Another half dozen of pictures flooded the group and Olivia made an undefinable noise as she hurried to mute the group.

Mamí: Have you looked at the menu suggestions already?

Mamí: Hello?

Mamí: Are you ignoring me?

Mamí: Rafael Felipe Barba! Delfia Ysabel Rodriguez! Stop that! Olivia!

Rafael almost growled at that and did the same as Olivia before texting: We’re working, Mamí!

“It’s a wonder I haven’t lost my mind yet, seriously.”

Mijo, are you sure you should be on the phone during work?

“Family,” he grumbled and put his phone down after turning off the vibration, just in case. “Sometimes I feel like she’s doing this on purpose because it seems so impossible for her not to be aware of her behaviour. But then I also don’t want to think that she would terrorise us like this knowingly.”

Shrugging, Olivia took her coffee cup from the table and sipped a few times. “Your mother is a… well… very special woman. But that’s her charm, isn’t it? Being a little eccentric, dramatic, temperamental and opinionated? I know two someones who are a little bit like her.”

A giggle broke out of her when Rafael gasped in playful shock, his palm coming up to rest on his chest while he cried: “Are you implying that I’m like my mother, Olivia?”

“It’s not my problem how you interpret my words, Rafi,” she replied with a wink, putting her coffee down and grabbing the file she’d been reading earlier. “Now, let’s get some work done. I got plans for you and me tonight, and I don’t want them to be ruined by work.”

Her suggestive smirk on her lips made Rafael sit up straighter and effectively wiped all thought of his mother from his mind.

Lucia’s Christmas stuff could wait – he had something way more important at his hands right now.

OoO

Of course Lucia didn’t take it well that nobody answered more than half-heartedly to her suggestions. Fia and Rafael had genuinely tried to express their opinions, but nothing had been carefully formulated enough to please Lucia, and so they’d chosen to simply stay silent, leaving dozens of recipes and miscellaneous Christmas ideas uncommented.

Of the repercussions they should have thought of, but neither did, and so it wasn’t surprising that Rafael wasn’t prepared at all.

But underestimating his mother wasn’t new to him, as she always managed to top herself.

-

His tongue stuck between his lips, Rafael scribbled down the last key points of the cross-examination he would have today. With Rita as his opponent, it was never easy, but he knew that he had all the evidence he needed to win this trial, so his nerves were calm. As long as he wasn’t interrupted during his preparations, everything was fine, and he would bring his top game…

Suddenly, the door to his office was ripped open, and with a dramatic whirl of her coat that almost seemed practiced, Lucia Barba marched into her son’s office. A flabbergasted Carmen was right at her heels, not happy about having been unable to fulfill her duty by keeping Rafael’s preparations uninterrupted. Knowing that it was impossible to talk his mother out of something, Rafael gave his assistant a nod to signal her that it was alright.

“Mamí, what can I do for you?” he asked with a heavy sigh, putting his pen down as the amazing closing sentence he’d just thought of slipped from his mind.

Lucia crossed her arms in front of her chest, shooting him an accusing glare. “As no one has responded to any of my suggestions yet, I thought I would drop by and tell you about another idea in person so I’ll finally get a response!”

“Mamí…”

Her raised index finger stopped him, and Rafael closed his mouth again. “Rafael, as this is our first Christmas with the family reunited, I would like us to go to a photographer and have a nice Christmas portrait shoot done. Imagine how nice it’ll be, pictures of Olivia, Noah and you. And Noah and Delfia! I’m sure she would like having these pictures, too! Oh, don’t make such a face, Rafael!”

“Is that really necessary? You know how much I hate these staged pictures,” Rafael asked with a sigh, inwardly shuddering at the thought of his mother forcing everyone into their best clothes to have them fake smile for awkward Christmas card photos. Only over his dead, rotting body. “Mamí, no.”

His desk couldn’t shield him from the evil glare that Lucia shot at him, and Rafael was unable to describe his relief as the door suddenly opened again.

“Rafael, we gonna be late for court. Oh, hey Lucia.”

Rita smirked as if she knew exactly that she’d just kept Lucia Barba from roasting her son, but being ridiculed by Rita was something Rafael would choose over his mother’s ranting any time. At least Rita didn’t try to force him to put on ugly Christmas sweaters.

Taking the opportunity, Rafael jumped from his chair and grabbed his notes, nodding maybe a little too enthusiastically. “Yes, court. We better hurry! See you, Mamí.”

While striding past her, Rafael pecked a kiss on Lucia’s cheek, almost convinced for a second that she would pull back.

“What did you do this time?” Rita asked, her smirk widening impossibly as they walked towards the elevators – of course, she would mention it.

“Mamí wants to have family pictures taken.”

To her credit, Rita seriously tried not to laugh, but only a few seconds later she was snorting, causing him to roll his eyes. “Seriously? With sweaters and smiles and kitschy decorations?”

Him pressing his lips together was answer enough, and she laughed even louder this time. “Gonna have to ask her to send me a few so I can tease you with them forever!”

“I’ll tell her, along with the fact that you’re planning to spend Christmas alone,” he shot back smoothly; Rita’s laughter stopped abruptly and for the second – third if you counted the gaze Noah threw him this morning when he burned his first pancake – time on this day Rafael found himself at the receiving end of a nasty glare.

“Marilyn is taking the girls skiing. That’s the only reason. And I won’t be alone; I got Giorgio.”

Rita held her head high during her stiff answer, trying to appear like it didn’t bother her; Rafael knew that once Christmas had arrived, she would feel less of that ‘lone wolf and proud of it’ attitude. “Also you do remember I’m technically Jewish, right? No Christmas here.”

“You’ve never celebrated Hanukkah once since we met.”

“Still,” she threw back weakly, then straightened herself. “Please don’t tell Lucia, Rafi. She would make my life hell.”

“Are you begging?” Rafael’s green eyes sparkled in amusement, and he couldn’t keep himself from teasing her a little. He knew she could take it. “It must have been at least ten years since you did that. Where’s my calendar?”

Of course she wasn’t finding it funny, but still the corners of her mouth twitched slightly while she mumbled: “Oh, shut the fuck up.”

“Don’t worry; I won’t talk. But I can’t promise she won’t find out on her own. She’s sneaky, you know that.”

Rita shrugged, not particularly impressed by that. “The worst that could happen would be to be roped into your family Christmas.”

“You realise you’ll have to wear an ugly sweater too?”

“Shoot me.”

OoO

For a few days, Lucia seemed to be moping about her son’s harsh dismissal of her family photo idea, as she didn’t send any texts at all. To Rafael, it was obvious that she was trying to make them feel guilty for denying her the full package of Christmas joy, but he was way too used to her ways to fall for it. So was Fia, and Noah, of course, was being excluded from the guilt-tripping, but it seemed to get to Olivia.

“Maybe we should do it. This one time, for her. I mean, she hasn’t had a real Christmas in… how long?” she said carefully when Rafael visited her in her office to talk about a case. And to steal some kisses, but her suggestion ruined the mood a little.

“Liv… no! You’re letting her get to you, and that’s exactly what she wants!”

He ran a hand over his face, shaking his head while standing up from the couch. Turning, he faced her and was just about to unpack his best pleading expression when something in the squad room caught his attention. The detectives present were all moving towards the conference table in the corner with interest.

“Your squad would tell you if there was a breakthrough in the case, right?”

Olivia shot him a confused glance, gazing over her shoulder and raising her eyebrow when their eyes met again. “Yeah… maybe someone’s showing off baby pictures,” she answered with a shrug.

A frown contorted his face, and then Fin stepped to the side – Rafael needed to blink several times to believe what he was seeing.

Lucia Barba was standing by the conference table with a big basket full of boxes, smiling and laughing as she greeted Liv’s coworkers.

“Oh no… oooh no! What is she doing here?”

The slightly hysterical undertone in his voice made Olivia turn around in confusion; a second later, her eyes widened too. “What the hell?”

“Finally we have the same opinion!” Rafael exclaimed as they both hurried out of Olivia’s office, needing a few moments to realise that they had to act as normally as possible despite the dangerously real horror of their relationship being exposed.

By the time they reached the group of detectives, Lucia had spread the boxes on the table and opened some, revealing half a dozen different kinds of Christmas cookies. Of course this lifted the mood in the squad room immediately – soul food was always welcome with cops, especially when it was a surprise. Noises of delight swallowed the sound of Rafael clearing his throat and gave him a moment to think of a strategy. “Mamí… hello! I thought you would come later, you should have called! But now that you’re here…here, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson…”

Lucia rolled her eyes when he formally introduced his mother to Olivia and then the rest of the squad, but to his relief, she played along. “How nice to finally meet you. I must admit that I’ve been pestering my son for quite some time so he would give in! I hope you’ll enjoy my cookies.”

“Thank you very much, Ma’am, they’ll be greatly appreciated,” Mike said with a polite smile that made Lucia beam.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure, Michael, really! If you run out, don’t hesitate to tell me, and I’ll bake more!”

Fin made an approving noise while munching a chocolate cookie and Amanda grumbled something about having to go to the gym more often.

“Why don’t I show you my office?” Olivia asked with a smile, but Rafael could hear the dangerous tone in her voice, the one that made clear that the person it was directed at was in big trouble.

“Oh, but I just wanted to…”

“Come  on, Mamí. Lieutenant Benson is a busy woman, and you don’t want to steal her time, do you?” Rafael said, placing a hand on his mother’s back to guide her towards Olivia’s office with gentle force, all the while keeping up the smiles for the others. He knew he probably wasn’t able to deceive a room full of trained investigators, but for the moment, he was only interested in damage control. Also the cookies would hopefully keep them busy for some time.

The moment Liv had closed the door behind them, he lost most of his composure. “What the hell are you doing here, Mamí?!”

His voice was quivering with rage while he managed to keep the smile on his face – he probably was looking like a maniac.

“Well, isn’t that obvious? I’m bringing you and your colleagues Christmas cookies!” Lucia replied in the tone she usually used when she was trying to simplify an explanation about grown-up’s business for Noah.

“Yes, but why?! You know the squad doesn’t know about Olivia and me! They’ll never believe you’re here because you just wanted to get to know some people! Hell, we told you a thousand times that we’ll tell them about us when we think it’s the right time!”

“I just tried to make your day a little bit nicer, your jobs aren’t the easiest,” Lucia replied defiantly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “It hurts that you can’t appreciate that, Rafael.”

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose to fight an oncoming headache and she was fighting hard to remain calm as she said: “You’re not dumb, Lucia, you know exactly how this could look to our colleagues. The ADA’s mother dropping off cookies out of nowhere? Fishy. You’re deliberately trying to expose us just because you think that we should stop hiding.”

The word “selfish” was hanging in the air heavily even though it hadn’t been said out loud yet, and the tension between the three would have made any third party in the room squirmy.

Eventually, to everyone’s surprise, Lucia stopped the glaring contest that had started and sighed heavily. “Fine. I won’t do that again. Everything at your pace.”

Rafael cocked an eyebrow in suspicion – he could count the occasions on which his mother had actually given in on one hand – but Olivia smiled at the other woman in relief. “Thank you, Lucia. Really, I appreciate that.”

“Promise it,” Rafael grumbled; and Lucia rolled her eyes about her son’s childishness.

“I promise. You happy now?”

“Yes,” was the short reply, though a glare was still directed at her, and Lucia decided to ignore it.

“Now, Olivia, your colleagues are very sympathetic. I’m looking forward to getting to know them more closely!”

Olivia glanced over her shoulder, smiling softly as she watched for a moment how everyone got themselves a coffee or tea and gathered around the table, tasting all the cookies that were laid out. Fin was obviously telling a joke, making everyone laugh, and Olivia felt warmth rise inside her.

“Yes, they’re amazing, aren’t they?” she said quietly, more to herself than to anyone else in the room.

“By the way… Michael… is he single?” Lucia asked with an interested face after a moment of silence, almost smirking, and Rafael audibly gasped while Olivia tried to suppress a chuckle.

“He is, but isn’t Mike a little too young for you?”

“Oh, I’m not asking for myself.”

Lucia’s smirk now broke out full force complete with mischief, making it obvious that a plan was forming in her head. Rafael managed to overcome his shock, though lacking his usual suave, as he blurted out hecticly: “He was engaged and she broke it off, so he probably is a shit person to be in a relationship with! Also Fia is going to kill you if you try and set her up again.”

A roll of her eyes and a dismissive wave followed, expressing Lucia’s lack of interest. “The girl is too sensitive sometimes.”

“No, she’s just tired of your…”

“Why don’t we meet tonight for dinner? After Noah is in bed, we can wrap his Christmas presents together,” Olivia interjected skillfully, and the mention of Noah effectively pushed Lucia into her Abuela-mode, making her forget about what Rafael had been about to say.

“Oh, that’s a wonderful idea. And then we can have a quick phone call with Delfia about our Christmas menu; you guys still haven’t decided! I need to plan! Oh, I better get going, I need to pick up one of Delfia’s presents.”

OoO

Olivia had to admit that after Lucia’s little stunt at the precinct, she’d finally lost her trust in the elder lady’s good intentions. Lucia Barba was on a mission, the mission to organise the perfect family Christmas, and nothing would stop her. Rafael had only muttered a “Told you" while Fia had shrugged and said that it must have been nice to have that illusion.

Only after another serious conversation with Lucia – and some barely concealed threats – had she been able to trust that Lucia wouldn’t show up at the precinct again. It was almost a miracle that the squad hadn’t caught on to what was going on that day – or Olivia was unable to see that her detectives were lying. But then Carisi was unable not to freak out in joy when something like this happened, a trait that had developed as his consummation of trashy reality TV had risen. Olivia guessed that they were safe for another few weeks if Lucia didn’t reinforce her idea of a big Christmas party. And as it looked like they had that under control, she allowed herself to relax.

Nothing could wrong now.

At least that was what she was thinking to herself as she ate a cookie and continued to type out a report for Chief Dodds, knowing he would have her head if she didn’t get it finished before the holidays.

A second later, that dream castle already collapsed again.

First, she only heard a “Can I help you, Ma’am?” from Dodds, which didn’t really get her attention, but then a familiar voice exclaimed: “Liv, I’m going to kill her!”

Only a moment later, Fia stormed into Olivia’s office with Noah, whom she’d obviously just picked up from preschool. “Liv, we need to get rid of her or Christmas will be hell!”

Olivia’s stomach sank and she sighed, standing up and rounding her desk to give her son a kiss. “Hey baby, why don’t you go say hello to Amanda and the others, hm? Fia and I have to talk. Maybe Jesse has time for a playdate soon?”

The mention of his best friend wiped the confused expression off the little boy’s face and he nodded, skipping out of her office after giving his Mama a sloppy kiss.

Amanda and Carisi had been lingering dangerously close to the office door, but now that Noah came towards them, they were unable to hold their position. With a short, satisfied grin Olivia shut the office door and turned to Fia – surely she would manage to find a good explanation for this, too.

“What happened, Fia?” she asked calmly while the younger woman paced the office like a caged lion. Her temperament was barely controllable sometimes and Liv knew better than to ask the young woman to calm down.

“Lucia!”

“I could tell so much. What did she do this time?”

Fia ran her fingers through her dark curls with an annoyed noise, needing a few deep breaths before she managed to answer. “She showed up at work and started telling me about how lovely she would find it if I brought someone home for Christmas and if I want her to help me find someone!”

Olivia blinked  a few times, confused by Fia’s story. “But doesn’t she do that every time you see each other?”

“Yes. But have you read the Ledger yet today?! She entered an ad on the dating page in my name! ‘Beautiful ballet dancer searching for a merry man to take home for Christmas’! I’m going to kill her if someone answers that fucking ad! I guess I can be glad she didn’t give out my phone number!”

Of all the things Olivia had thought of that could have happened that made Fia so furious, this was the one she’d expected least. Lucia obviously was capable of a lot of things, but until now she hadn’t thought she would seriously try to meddle around in her niece’s life like this.

“She doesn’t respect me, or how I want to live my life! When I told her I wouldn’t react if someone answered the ad she started getting all whiny! And then she asked if I would ever give her grandchildren, and that maybe I should stop being so selfish all the time.”

“I’m so sorry, Fia… I honestly don’t know what to say to this. Or how to get her to stop this. But I’ll support you if you want to do something about this.”

Fia released a breath in frustration, shaking her head in resignation. “I don’t know what to do, that’s the problem. I’ve tried everything already, but nothing works. Not even in Chicago was I safe from her. Maybe I should just do what she wants, date someone so I’ll have my peace.”

“You know that that wouldn’t make you happy,” Olivia said gently, touching Fia’s shoulder encouragingly. “If you want to date someone then do it, but don’t force yourself into something. You and I both know that that wouldn’t satisfy her for long. Rafael and I probably are a few weeks away from being asked about when our wedding takes place. It never stops.”

-

Mike watched with a smile as Noah inspected his golden Sergeant badge, eyes wide in awe. “You like it, Noah?”

“Yes! I wanna be a cop, like Mama,” Noah replied proudly, beaming up at Mike while Amanda came over with a box of Lucia’s cookies.

“Tell me, Noah, isn’t Lucy your babysitter anymore?” she asked curiously, dying to hear who that young woman in Olivia’s office was. She seemed vaguely familiar, but Amanda was unable to put her finger on it.

Noah took a cookie with his free hand, frowning in confusion. “Lucy still is my nanny, but she has school today! Why?”

“Oh, I’m just surprised, buddy. Who’s your friend over there?”

Mike sat up a little straighter as his gaze wandered over to Liv’s office and he had to admit to himself that he was just as curious about that. Though more because he found the woman fascinating, from the moment she’d entered the squad room and he’d noticed her mesmerising beauty. She was gesturing sharply, her dark eyes sparkling with passion and untamable temperament and fire and he had to watch out so he wouldn’t stare at her.

It was Amanda’s undeniable advantage that children were the biggest security leak that could possibly exist and that Noah, of course, didn’t know about his parent’s wish to keep the secret of their relationship. Even if they would have told him about it, he probably wouldn’t have understood anyway.

“Fia is Papí’s cousin! But she’s not a Baba like Papí and Abuela,” he replied enthusiastically, his smile full of love and adoration, proof of how much he liked his new family.

For a moment, it was completely silent in the squadroom and everyone was staring at Noah in shock, the boy obliviously nibbling his cookie. He didn’t know what kind of bomb he’d just dropped, and the squad had of course always suspected that something was going on between their Lieutenant and the ADA. Yet they hadn’t expected that they’d be blind to it actually happening right in front of their eyes for a time frame long enough to get Noah used to Barba enough to make him call the man Papí.

Fin was the first to find his voice again, shaking his head in something that could be disbelief. “Those sneaky little…”

Amanda shot him a glare, and he managed to swallow the curse word just in time. Carisi looked like he would start squealing any moment while Mike was staring over at the office with a mix of shock and disbelief. Amanda seized the opportunity and took another cookie from the box, holding it towards Noah.

“So, do you like Papí? I mean, is he a good Papí? Since when is he your Papí?”

Noah happily took the cookie and paused to think about Amanda’s questions for a moment. “He’s my Papí since we went for ice cream without Mama when it was still warm. And Mama left with him after bedtime to eat since summer. He’s the best! We laugh, and we play pirates or cops, and he makes me pancakes and reads my stories with voices.”

“Thank you, Noah, it’s nice to always tell the truth. Here, have another cookie. Is Mama happy?”

Amanda almost started swooning at the way Noah’s smile widened impossibly and he nodded heftily. “Papí makes Mama happy again when she’s sad.”

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Fin said with a grin, then he pulled a piece of paper from a drawer of his desk. “Now, let’s have a look at the betting pool. Dodds, looks like you made the best guess, man! Together with Calhoun. That’s a hundred bucks for each of you, congrats. Dodds… you listening?”

Mike blinked a few times, tearing his gaze away from Fia, and Fin smirked teasingly. “You can take the lady in there for a fancy dinner with the money.”

With pink cheeks, Mike shook his head, mumbling something about her being Barba’s cousin and him not being interested anyway before turning his attention back to Noah, though Fin noted with satisfaction that his eyes flickered to Fia from time to time.

-

For a long moment, it was silent between the two women, then Fia sighed and whispered: “I guess you’re right. I’ll just keep my head up and try not to let her shit get to me.”

“That sounds like a plan,” Olivia agreed, her gaze wandering over to the squad room. A bad feeling started to spread inside her gut when she saw how smug Amanda looked, kneeling next to Noah with a box of cookies. She just knew that something was going on, something that she wouldn’t like, and Fia must have noticed because she turned and stared out into the squad room, too. However, her focus was more on the young Sergeant who let Noah play with his badge rather than on the faces of everyone. Cocking her head, she allowed herself to study him for a moment, taking in his handsome features, his trained physique accentuated by his suit and his hands – strong but probably gentle or sensual, too…

Ripping herself out of her little fantasy, Fia shook her head, glad that Olivia hadn’t noticed her staring, and now she, too, realised that Noah was being stuffed with cookies while the detectives around him looked a little too interested.

“Oh no,” she mumbled, more to herself than Liv, before her voices got a little stronger. “Feed him cookies and he sings. Oh no, Liv… I’m so sorry… maybe… maybe it’s not too late yet…”

Olivia started moving at that, leaving her office with Fia right at her heels, and everyone’s attention turned towards the two women. Mike appeared as if he tried to refrain from any kind of judgement, Amanda and Carisi were smirking like Cheshire Cats and Fin wore an ‘I can’t believe you told me, we’re like siblings’ expression.

“Congratulations, Liv. We’re happy for you guys, seriously, we’ve been waiting for that. Here Noah, sweetie, have another cookie.”

Everyone chuckled at that, only Noah unaware that he was part of the joke, and Olivia stared at them for a long moment. She wanted to be angry that they’d bribed her son, but she knew it wouldn’t have happened if they’d just been open from the beginning.

This definitely wasn’t how she’d imagined the revelation of their relationship to be, so completely not under their conditions, out of nowhere…

But now it was too late anyway; she couldn’t change anything now.

Liv’s gaze wandered through the room, over the smirks of her friends and colleagues, and with resignation in her voice, she said: “I’ll text Lucia that she gets her squad Christmas party.”

OoO

Cheerful Christmas music was playing in the background, mingling with the laughter of the detectives crowding the squad room, sipping non-alcoholic punch and stuffing themselves with the mountains of food that Lucia had cooked. Hands on her hips, Lucia watched the scene in satisfaction just as Carisi walked past her with his third helping from the buffet.

“Your food is incredible, Mrs Barba,” he complimented her, and Lucia’s smile widened further.

“Well thank you, Dominick.”

Having everyone eat gave her the triumphant feeling typical for a Cuban mother. Reassured that everyone would be sated in the end, she let her gaze wander again. Jesse and Noah were sitting in a little play corner with Fin’s grandson Robin, discussing Santa and how he could fit all the presents on the sleigh over a game of Memory.

Olivia and Rafael were standing a little away from their colleagues, an air of contentment surrounding them as they kept exchanging smiles and subtle touches, obviously still a bit overwhelmed by not having to hide anymore. When Olivia had confessed to Rafael that Fia and especially Noah had revealed their relationship, he hadn’t been exactly happy, but he couldn’t really be angry with either of them – especially when he heard that it had been Lucia’s fault to some extent. For a few days, he’d been busy expressing his disagreement to the whole situation, and Olivia had joined him; yet they didn’t seem uncomfortable about public affection in general and Lucia chuckled to herself – they’d been unreasonably afraid. The colleagues hadn’t acted like it was a big deal, their bosses were still approving…

Everything was fine, wasn’t it?

“I can’t believe you cheated on us in that betting pool, Calhoun,” Fin grumbled to Rita as Lucia walked past them on her little tour through the room. “You could only win. I thought you’re more into challenges.”

Rita smirked into her glass, shrugging. “I simply had more information. That’s not cheating, seriously.”

Rolling his eyes, Fin looked like he was annoyed with her argument, but Lucia only needed one glance to know that he wasn’t. She would definitely have to keep a closer eye on these two – Rita had been alone way too long for her taste, and she was determined to change that. Such an unlikely combination, but Lucia was no fan of the ordinary, and she liked a challenge.

Continuing her round, Lucia frowned when she spotted her niece standing in a corner on her own, sipping a glass of punch that Lucia just knew the girl had spiked while nobody had paid attention to her. Rebellious and cheeky like her late mother, Delfia certainly had caused many headaches, but Lucia couldn’t be angry with her for long. Well, except for her lack of interest in settling down with a nice young man and starting a family. Delfia certainly wouldn’t have trouble finding someone if she weren’t so proud and overly focused on her dancing career all the time.

Thinking of a nice young man…

Lucia smirked triumphantly when she glanced over to where Mike Dodds was standing with Amanda, the Detective talking with him in a hushed voice; Lucia had no trouble analysing him and the slightly nervous expression he had on his handsome face as his gaze flickered over to Fia again and again. Obviously, Amanda was trying to encourage him to go over to her to talk, and Lucia sighed about the young people. They were making everything way too complicated and moved so cautiously they needed ages to reach their goal. Back in her days, boldness had been a thing – if you wanted to ask someone out, you just did it!

She was just about to go over to them and introduce Mike to Fia to get them to talk when Mike finally started moving, crossing the room while nervously fidgeting with his glass. Lucia couldn’t deny that she was holding her breath as he approached Fia, but when she saw Fia’s posture change at seeing the man’s smile she knew that she’d won. Oh, they would be a beautiful couple, and their children… the wedding pictures… She was swooning at the thought, and she could barely wait to see Delfia admitting that Mike was a guapo she found interesting. Maybe she would bring him to the little Christmas brunch she was planning…

Everything was going the way she’d wanted it to, all her plans worked out, and she couldn’t help but feel smug. How much they’d struggled and protested, but in the end, they’d all given in, just like she’d known they would.

And finally, she would get the perfect Christmas she’d been longing for, with all the people she loved gathered together.

THE END

[seven-oomen]

Oh, I have many feelings, of many varieties, about Infinity War/Endgame.  And for added fun, I saw both films with a group that included a hardcore Steggy shipper who kept going on and on and on about how angry she would be if all the little hints they’d been dropping about them seeing each other again and/or getting to be together again led to nothing, particularly with time travel on the table, and how dare Marvel do that if they didn’t plan to follow through.  And I just kept thinking “the sheer audacity…  you’ve had multiple openly romantic moments including a kiss, and something approaching closure already.  do you know how happy I am when some of my rarer ships just get to be in the same scene together at all?  not even interacting, just in the same scene?  and don’t even talk to me about ship-baiting, you haven’t even the faintest idea"  There was a lot of tongue biting not to be THAT BITCH about it that happened, especially after what Endgame did.

Also, all I’ve really gotten from that whole wolf discourse thing is a reminder how sad I am that no one has brought a Tibetan Mastiff into our store.  (Isn’t there some kind of Russian Bear Dog that’s also supposed to be freaking ginormous?)  The two biggest I can think of that I’ve seen at work are that Akita who’s around 180-190lbs, and probably around 70-75cm at the shoulder (based off about where I remember him hitting along my leg the time his owner asked me to hold his lead while he ran back to his car for something.  I was very glad he’s probably also the most chill dog I’ve ever met), and this Great Dane I haven’t seen come in in a while the top of whose head probably cleared 5ft when he was standing on all fours.  Tbf, he was a Harlequin Dane, and I think they tend to be the biggest (I think his owner had like, 3 of them, too.)  It does make it funny when people will see someone’s 70lb Lab and be like "wow that dog is huge”, and in my head I’m just like “oh you have no idea…"  We did once have both a Leonberger puppy and a French Mastiff puppy come in, both of them at least 40lb and both only about 4 months old, but they never did come back by, so I don’t know how big they finally got.  I do remember that the French Mastiff was getting carried around like a baby.  Like paws over the shoulders, cradled in their arms, head resting against the side of theirs carried.  It was made you both want to coo at the adorableness while also warning the person "oh, you’re gonna regret that in a few months…”

And yeah, one of the things I loved best about some of Stiles and Jackson’s scenes were when Stiles would put up with exactly zero of Jax’s bullshit.  Because he sometimes needs reminding that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance.  (Sometimes he’d remind me a little too much of a bully I had to deal with in elementary school, it was cathartic.  It was kinda “I like you, but you’re workin’ my last good nerve.”)  Although I feel like in this version Malia or Allison would actually be much better at it, because he wouldn’t expect it from either of them (though frankly he grew up with Allie and should really know better.)  I feel like eventually he and Stiles will develop that whole “only I’m allowed to give him shit, if you try it I’ll fuck you up” thing, but it’ll take a while.  And I’m happy with whatever questions you decide fit with the flow of the story.  If most have to wait, or even not ever get totally answered, that’s more than okay.

Well, I’m glad I didn’t interfere with your productivity this time. XD  I’d actually occasionally had the thought, but then just decide that there was no way I was gonna actually go there.  Then I had to listen to 20 minutes of her telling me about how she’d tried to pack things as discreetly as possible and now couldn’t figure out which box it was and how she hoped it wasn’t one that one of her kids would end up opening at some point, and I was just like, “oh why the hell not, I’m thinking about it again now, anyway."  Speaking of such things, can you imagine if any of the current twins made that unfortunate discovery at any point?  Like, which ones would it be?  Would they tell/show their sibling?  Would their respective dads know they did, or would they manage to keep it a secret?  Also, ngl, when you mentioned magic wand massagers my brain immediately dove back to Harry Potter for a minute and I laughed so hard I almost cried.  Ha, there’s an idea: magically enhanced sex toys.  (Noah hasn’t let Stiles see that particular spellbook yet.)   And I can’t remember the exact wording but there’s a polyship post I see pop up on tumblr occasionally and one of the last things is something like "Person A and B are home alone and just start casually making out, then things get a bit more hot and heavy, but they know Person C will be home from work soon, so they try to hold out.  Person C finally gets home, sees the look on their faces and just sighs in (faux) disappointment and starts taking off their clothes”, and I really feel like that could not be more accurate to those three (any of whom could be A, B, or C at any given time).

In an attempt to salvage something more wholesome from my random musings, I’d like to introduce the idea of Christmas traditions and fluff.  (Yes, I know it’s June, but I’ve been hearing radio ads about some Christmas in July thing the Hallmark Channel’s doing next month for days, and have hit some of the Santa episodes in the Futurama rewatch I’ve been doing.  So.)  Just imagine.  Craft Dad Peter making ornaments with his kids.  Them pulling out the ones the older kids made in school to make new ones with their younger siblings.  Glitter-covered pine cones, construction paper picture frames, crudely painted faux stained glass shapes, popsicle stick snowflakes, craft foam and pom pom snowmen.  (They’re gonna end up needing multiple trees.)  Making strands of popcorn garland and yelling at Stiles and Jackson because they won’t stop eating the popcorn instead of threading it.  Fake mistletoe bunches suddenly festooning every doorway even though no one will admit to hanging it (it was totally Noah.)  All the dads breaking out their special seasonal cookie/cake/pie/etc recipes.  Chris coordinating with Malia to get all the pictures for their family Christmas card every year because he has the most flexible hours, and always getting an oversize print of the final version to put on the mantle for the season.  Allison (and eventually Lydia) transforming the inside of the house into an elegant, homey, wonderland (Ooh, maybe she/they find a box or two of decorations in the Hale vault and surprise Peter and Derek by adding them in one year.)   Everybody attempting to pitch in on decorating the outside of the house only for it to descend into a prolonged snowball fight (shhh, I know Cali probably doesn’t see that much snow, just go with it.)  Then when they all finally troop in, cold and soaking, Derek makes them the most frankly AMAZING hot chocolate using the recipe he learned from his dad.  MATCHING SWEATERS.  Ugly sweaters.  Matching ugly sweaters.  Sing-a-longs and caroling.  Trying to implement a Secret Santa system (because jeez that’s a lot of gifts to get), but failing at it every time because “I just couldn’t help myself, I kept finding things that were perfect."  Peter buying his husbands the fancy expensive shit they won’t normally let him get away with.  Him going way overboard with the kids’ gifts the first few years to make up for lost time.  And speaking of Peter pulling either or both Omegas into his lap, you know he can’t resist doing it just to make a "Have you been a good boy this year?/Why don’t you sit on my lap and tell me what you want?” joke at LEAST once a season.  At least.  Can they even fit everyone’s stockings on the mantle, or do they have to do some creative placement?  Do Stiles and Jackson ever stop getting each other little coal-themed gag gifts?  Do they get real trees from the Preserve or do they opt for fake trees because no one can remember to water them?  (Or would Chris volunteer to do it?)  Curling up on the couch under the assorted memory quilts and fluffy blankets to watch Christmas movies and holiday specials, or just watch the lights dancing on the tree (multi-colored on the one in the living room/den, because that’s more cozy, no I’m not taking arguments) and enjoy finally being able to be together (peacefully).  Just.  All the warm domestic holiday goodness.  Uh, presuming of course they celebrate Christmas.  If not, please adapt the above to the nearest appropriate, equivalent holiday.  I just happened to be feeling inspired, and went the “write what you know” route.

General mood when seeing one of these <3

[forthepursuitofknowledge]

Another Personal Rant

So I just need to get some shit off the chest and I don't wanna make a massive splash on people's feed so more below the break.

So as I've mentioned here there and everywhere I am going to classes soon, heading to a bootcamp to hopefully become a web developer. I say hope because honestly I don't know what's going to happen...and therein lies the whole issue of everything.

I just don't know. I'm not used to this at all, before I left my job I knew everything that was going on with me. I knew what I had to do at work, knew what I needed to do when I came home, what I wanted to play, watch, eat. I just...felt like I had myself figured out. I felt like I knew where I was and what I was doing and it wasn't by any stretch grand but it was me.

And then I left. I couldn't do me anymore, couldn't handle being the verbal punching bag, couldn't let myself be at that desk any longer than the time I gave and said "Fuck this I'm better than this I'm done." And at the time? Felt great. Felt like a weight was dropped from my chest so heavy I didn't even realize how much lighter I felt until weeks after the fact.

And now I'm a little more than a week away from the course I'm taking to try and help move on and god I have never been more anxious, or worried, or frustrated with myself ever in my life.

Now I'm by no means clinically diagnosed with Anxiety issues ... I feel like I'd be doing those of you who I know and love who have Anxiety related conditions a disservice without saying that upfront. But lord do I feel anxious. I can't shake these thoughts of "What if you're making a mistake? What of this isn't what you should do? What if they tell you you're not good enough?" It's scary, and I'm so sure so many of you know that feeling.

I have found now that fear, that anxiety has bled into my hobbies now. I feel at a loss with my writing. I feel like I just...I can't RP some days and I feel like I'm constantly expecting myself to. Like I feel I owe it to the people I know to TRY and god it is HARD sometimes. I feel so sapped of willpower to write things. Like I just...can't. There were times when everyone in my old FC would scold me for not having content done. And by no means in any sort of mean way, just playful little taunts of : "Noah you should have your flight paths done dangit!" Or "Noah how have you not unlocked this dungeon after having played for so long!?" And I laughed at it because to me RP was LIFE. It was the best hobby ever and now?

God now I just feel like it takes everything in me to write things...and I hate that. I really really do. I'm not burnt out on the game...I live content runs and raid stuff and I know so many amazing people who are just great at being a pal and running with me. But when it comes to RP? I kid you not even just writing that out: "RP" feels draining lol.

Maybe it's the looming knowledge that school starts soon, maybe it's my fears of failing just hitting me so hard that I just...feel guilty for enjoying myself in any way.

In any case, I am sorry to anyone who has been trying to reach me for RP or trying to plan things...Honestly at this point I wonder if I should keep trying. I am just scared and confused, I'm anxious as hell and I'm less and less motivated to do basic things.

I've put all my energy into helping make the Lady smile, it's been working well and on that front Doctors have given us some good news, or at least better than bad news xD.

Its just a lot of stuff...it feels like a lot of conflict going on internally...

And again for anyone who has anxiety or stress related conditions, if I've kind of...somehow offended someone by misrepresenting something somehow, please let me know...I don't even know if this is necessary or not I just..I don't mean to upset anyone I just feel really blue these days haha.

For those who have tried to get in touch to RP, I'm so sorry. Anyone who wants to retconned any long standing interaction that I may have forgot? Please do. At this point I just am at a loss and I'm wondering if it's time to fold.

Anyways this got a bit more depressing than I had hoped so I am very sorry but thank you for...thank you.

I just wanna say, that the community? This community? Final Fantasy 14 rp community? Thank you all very much for just being wonderful. You all always impress me more and more. Drama happens, tumblr shit happens, but you guys always just strike me as so great after all is said and done. I love each and every one of you.

Ah well...here's to the sun eh? Bring on the sun.

[stetervault]

I'm new to the steter fandom, can you rec some of your favourite or fan favourite fics?

Ugh there’s just so many, but this is a question I’m always willing to answer XD I’ll try to rec fics from a variety of writers, and if you like them, you can check to see if they’ve written others :)

Proposing To Strangers by moonstalker24

At the end of a strained relationship, crime novelist Stiles chooses to hide from the world inside a bar with far too many motorcycles outside it for comfort. Here he’ll meet the man of his dreams, eat food and propose marriage, all within the first five minutes.

Peter doesn’t know who this kid is, but he’s cute and looks like he could use a break. So he feeds him. He’s not expecting a marriage proposal, but with what comes after, he doesn’t really mind.

it’s not the color i came in by nezstorm

Stiles is a bit of an anomaly among the Omegas he knows, or everyone on the spectrum really.

For him, heats are about comfort and safety, and not at all about sex.

Baby Stilinski-Hale by Triangulum

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Peter says. Stiles just shrugs. “Are you going to tell me why, or do I have to guess?” Stiles would love to glare at him and snark back like they always do, but her nerves are just too frayed and she doesn’t have it in her. Peter seems to sense this and frowns, his face morphing into one of concern. “Stiles..?”

He takes a few steps closer, slowly as if he’s trying not to startle her and that makes her want to let out a hysterical laugh, but she keeps it in. He sets his hand on her shoulder, the other going to the side of her neck. He frowns at the way her pulse is racing, as if he needs to physically confirm what his ears are already telling him. She lets him touch her, knowing without even needing to think about it that he won’t hurt her. She does let out a bitter little laugh at that. Well, physically he won’t.

“What is it?” he asks and the genuine concern in his voice almost breaks her. He leans down and stares into her eyes, their faces so close, and she sees his nostrils flare. “You smell…different.”

Well, that’s her cue.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispers.

Or

The one where Peter gets Stiles pregnant and is a big old softie about it.

The Devil You Know by Twisted_Mind

He’s so tired, in every way it’s possible to be tired. He tried going for a walk tonight to prevent a panic attack, and ended up being rescued, dazed and bleeding, by Peter Hale. There are so many things wrong with that sentence he doesn’t even know where to start. Panic attacks. Being stuck inside his brain sucking so hard he needed to be alone and moving. The sense of relief that came with crashing into Peter. He shouldn’t be okay with this. He didn’t give Peter permission to sleep in his bed. His dad will be home soon. Peter’s more than a decade older than him. Peter can’t be trusted.

But he’s tired, and this feels so, so good.

drowning in the sea of you by Corpium

Beacon Hills was perfect for Stiles growing up, but now, with werewolves, hunters, and an anxious best friend running around, it’s turning into a place too chaotic for an empath like Stiles to handle alone. And pain killers can only go so far.

The World That Is Not Ours by Ragga

”Are you sure?” Noah asked as he stared at the plush Claudia was holding. It was a rather scary-looking thing if he had to describe it with just one word. It was some sort of a monster, he thought, and not a wolf like the tag called it. Its hair was slightly coarse, not silky smooth like children’s toys usually were, and a sort of a dark colour; not black but not brown either, just a muddy shade of dark. Its body shape was also rather interesting. It seemed almost disfigured with its back and legs twisted and its snout was long with sharp-looking teeth (which actually weren’t, sharp that is, thankfully). But even those traits weren’t the one Noah objected to. No, that honour belonged to the shining red eyes that seemed to stare into his soul.

“Stiles is going to love him.”

Eventually (I’ll Crash Into You) by ToAStranger

Derek pushes Stiles away to keep him safe.

Stiles more than just leaves.

You’ve Got Me by Inell

Stiles arrives home earlier than expected and finds someone sleeping in his bed.

Baby Boy by SushiOwl

What the heck is FetLife?

Stiles is too curious for his own good, and he can’t help himself, so he joins a website advertising to be a good place for “kinksters.” He just wants to be nosy and see what total strangers are up to. Then he meets Peter, who wants to be called Daddy.

Could Stiles be his baby boy?

Whiskey is My Kind of Lullaby by taylorpotato

Peter is a simple saloon owner on one of the outer planets between the Aaru Belt and the Olympus Galaxy. He’s done with trouble. Done with adventure. So fucking done with rustlers. That is, until a cute young outlaw named Stiles wanders into his bar. Peter has this problem where he can’t seem to resist charming narcissists (perhaps because they remind him of himself). And when said narcissists turn his life upside-down, the worst part is he’s not even that upset about it.

Take Care of Me by Mysenia

Prompt: It was so hard to choose on that list so I won’t instead I’ll go with W and the pairing Peter & Stiles. Peter to Stiles “I take care of you because you’re Pack.” Along with or in place of that one if it doesn’t work for you (still Peter to Stiles.) “I’ve failed you once I won’t do it again.”

According to plan by FeelingsDusk

The plan was very simple: go back in time, kill Kate, kill Gerard, never ever make contact with his parents, try to find a place within the Hale pack or not, but either way, live the rest of his life displaced and without the people he loves.

Of course, as it always is with him these days, nothing goes according to plan.

The Sphinx of Beacon Hills by Guede (Stetopher)

Stiles is a sphinx, and he’s winging his way to visit his buddy Scott when a storm drops him in Beacon Hills, the craziest, crankiest, coldest place ever. And somehow, he ends up with a bunch of werewolves.

Note: Bestiality warning is because the version of sphinx here is lion-shaped from waist down, and I don’t know how else to tag that.

Bite Down by EclipseWing

In which Stiles is forced to survive the zombie apocalypse with a sociopathic murdering werewolf for company.

At the End of All Things (What’s Another Sin?) by Ceris_Malfoy

The first year of her solitary existence had been all about survival.

The second year was learning how to want to survive.

And then the wolf arrives.

The Terrible Things We Do (For Love) by Rrrowr

Being a demon, he’s seen some of the pretty nasty things that humans are willing to do for love. Things that, were he still alive (and human), would make him hesitate to be in a relationship with anyone lest his partner start getting some funny ideas. That said—

“This seems a little desperate for a kid your age,” he says to Stiles.

A welcome arrow by 1001cranes

The wedding is small and grim, because Stiles is being carted off to parts unknown, married to a thirty-something year old dude who wants to marry a seventeen year old dude - totally not creepy at all.

Hold Me Down by sneksonaplane

Waking up in Peter Hale’s bed was weird. Waking up in Peter Hale’s body was even weirder. Stiles had been disoriented and confused when he’d found himself in a plush, king sized bed in an unfamiliar bedroom instead of in his own room (and seriously, why did Peter even need a king sized bed? Why would anyone need a bed that big?) It had all come back to him when he’d glimpsed the body he was inhabiting, one that was shorter but more defined than his own, and older, and kind of hot.

OR

The one where Stiles and Peter swap bodies, Peter relives his adolescence, Stiles suffers, and then suffers a little less when he discovers Peter’s fetlife profile where he’s listed as a submissive seeking a daddy.

Cast in Stone by wynnebat

To think, people would kill for this.

run away and hide with you by Green

Stiles has been taking care of himself for far too long.

Can I Tattoo a Baby? by Elpie (Horribibble)

Before he inked his first tattoo, Stiles Stilinski had filled a dozen sketchbooks.Before he knew what he wanted to do with his life, Stiles Stilinski had a kid to take care of.Before he threw in the towel completely, Stiles Stilinski met Peter Hale.

Life is made up almost exclusively of happy accidents. (And some really terrifying childhood memories.) But that’s okay.

(Really they’re all kind of morons, but the Buffy style asskicking doesn’t hurt.)

Waves that rolled you under by radishwine

AU in which Peter has the good sense to get the hell out of town after killing Laura. He drives up the Pacific coast to the old Hale cabin and stays for a while.

Beyond The Shore by SmartKIN

When Peter Hale leaves Beacon Hills and moves into his family’s lake house, all he expects to find is solitude and freedom.He definitely doesn’t expect the loud-mouthed, too-pretty-for-his-own-good merman who breaks into his house in the middle of the night, unable to curb his curiosity.

Lucky Penny (Tastes Like Copper on Your Tongue) by pibroch (littleblackdog)

When Peter woke up, he spent a good fifteen or twenty seconds earnestly wishing that whatever had hit him had the courtesy to kill him outright. Because this? This was bullshit.

AKA the time I decided to give Peter all the nice things, but made him get hit by a car first. Like you do.

Naughty Hookers (Swathed in Wool) by pprfaith

Stiles is happy with his store, his hobbies, his friends. Peter’s just trying to figure out how to raise his nieces and nephew without fucking them up too badly.

Paths cross.

Red String verse by gryvon

Peter had given up hope of ever finding his soulmate until the red string on his finger leads him to a four-year-old. He’s going to Hell. Or jail. Or both.

If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out by mia6363

Commander Stilinski looked like he fell out of a propaganda video, his armor still smoking as he pulled off his helmet and handed it off to First Officer Argent. He had a few bruises down his neck but his smile was bright.

“Glad to see you safe and sound, Mr. Hale. I’d hate for Derek to lose a member of his family.”

“I told you,” Derek snapped at his superior, “he’s not worth this, Commander.”

There you go, enjoy ^_^