#not that im blaming myself like i said 2am writing

[mae-i-scribble]

Random thoughts about the orv epilogue part 3/????

Up this round: Yoo Joonghyuk’s status as a Character and how orv makes using characters as thematic stand ins work without sacrificing character integrity.

Going into this I am denoting yjh’s status as a “character” within the confines of orv with a captial C “Character” and talking about characters in general without the capitalization

If I were to discuss all the ways that orv uses yjh to discuss the larger themes of what characters mean to their readers, authors, and stories I would be writing a thesis paper and I am writing these at 2 am so the brain cells are not amassing to that high a level. The moment in the epilogues I will be focusing on is when yjh reveals his reasoning for why he needs to find kdj. “He still had something he simply had to ask Kim Dokja, that’s why... ‘what should he do to continue living on?’ That’s right. That’s what he wanted to ask Kim Dokja. Because that guy knew everything.” Yjh, who continuously seeks out kdj time and time again to determine what he should do next, trusting in kdj’s plans, of course kdj would be the first person he wants to ask about what to do with himself. Yjh has no idea what kind of person he is outside of the scenarios, but out of everyone he knows, kdj is the one he trusts to give him the clearest answer to that question that’s been haunting him. In a mushy gushy character sense, kdj is the person who gives yjh’s life meaning. In a thematic sense, the exact same is true, but because a reader decides what a character’s value is, above all else. Every person who reads a novel is going to come away with a slightly different impression of each character, and every individual reader will assign their own meanings to these characters. Because yjh and kdj exist as reader and character, kdj becomes the driving force behind yjh’s purpose.

One could argue that orv goes to great lengths to say the exact opposite: that characters exist in volumes larger than what is written down in any piece of fiction, that characters have agency from both their author and reader and can never be understood by the story alone. And to that I say, yeah you’re completely right. Those are major themes of orv, but it in no way reduces the thematic impact of the moments centered around the reader and character relationship, because both themes are expressed simultaneously. Case and point, the fight between yjh and kdj on reincarnation island, where yjh is furious that he is a Character to kdj and questioning how meaningful kdj finds their relationship, leading to the following exchange.

“⸢I’m right here, in this place.⸥

I know.

⸢Even then, you only chose to read and nothing else.⸥

….Because, that is our way of living. You acted, and I read you doing it.

Yjh is trying to assert his reality, the fact that he if alive and breathing and *here,* that he is not a Character, he is not someone to be read about and never acknowledged in person. He knows what kdj is doing and is almost begging the man to talk to him, person to person, only to realize that even now, kdj is choosing to “read” him via his thoughts. Kdj’s internal response “that is our way of living. You acted, and I read you doing it,” asserts that the foundation of their relationship exists in that character/reader dynamic. Neither character is necessarily proved wrong in their convictions, yjh declaration of who he is, just as he has been doing, marks him as not some mere story. Meanwhile kdj has long grown past using yjh’s status as a Character to define how he sees yjh, even actively pushing against seeing yjh as a Character but still recognizing that their initial dynamic when he knew yjh as words on a page will always be a core part of their dynamic. Furthering this point, the moment where yjh reflects on the purpose of his life as he is about to die at the hands of the outer gods. His narration says:

He must never let his companions know of his survival.

His absence must become their eternal hope.

...

Yu Jung-Hyeok instinctively realised that this was his conclusion.

‘This is the end I wished to see.’

It could’ve been a slightly more excellent conclusion.

If he had made a different choice back then, or maybe, if he chose to go down the better direction, then…. Yu Jung-Hyeok smiled bitterly.

In the end, he remained a regressor even until his final moment.

...

That was the summary of his life.

“I’m Yu Jung-Hyeok.”

At least a handful of people would be saved by his life.

There are a lot of things happening in these final moments of his, such as determining that his purpose was not to bring kdj back, but to become a beacon of hope for the companions he left behind. In thematic terms, he is saying how the purpose of the character is to be hope for even a single person, their summary is to be a saving force for a handful of people. However, much as in the first example, none of what yjh is saying feels out of character. He is the same person who regressed thousands of times just to save the world and his companions, he is more than assuredly a person who would conclude the purpose of his life is to give them hope at the cost of himself. Interspersed with the more thematically relevant thoughts are the thoughts of yjh the character, how even now, he still has the mindset of a regressor. And ultimately this is what makes orv hit as hard as it does, the way that the meta themes never fall out of place with its characters. Orv is a story built around its themes, such that every character’s arcs and history mold themselves in a way to cater to these themes rather than themes coming in at the last moment and drastically redefining a character. While I do think it can be more heavy handed than it needs to be, especially in the final chapter with hsy essentially explaining to the readers why orv has an open ending, I still believe this style of thematic storytelling to be incredibly well done and executed through the main trio in particular. Also my heart cries tears of blood rereading yjh’s final moments like this. Part 1 | Part 2 | ... | Part 4

[what-if-nct]

hiiii today's reminder is i absolutely do read your paragraphs like it's the morning paper,i love knowing what's going on with you and what you're thinking about. also i know these conversations are technically public but i definitely say a lot more than i would normally because it feels so comfortable. love you 💓

Hiii! I love you too!!! And yes it feels like a public private conversation. Like it's just us in a cafe together like there's people who walk by but like we're just talking. I consider all asks kind of like a huge slumber party and were just chatting and everything is pink and mean girls and Taylor Swift are playing in the background and it's chaotic but fun. But speaking of sleepover talk so the guy I'm talking to one well talk on the phone for like 2 -3 hours so often that last time that happened was in the summer and we were going to wait till later that week but he came and picked me up at 2am and we watched puss in boots and "cuddled" I remember him fondly actually. Like right in the middle of "cuddling" he called me cute. Which that is so adorable like that isn't the activity id think being cute would be possible. So that was the last time that happened. But with the current guy it's just the best vibe and fun and we laughed about raccoons for so long.

And okay I overshare obviously so in passing I brought up a few things that happened to me cause I told him earlier that day some guy was trying to hit on me and I just froze and didn't speak I was scared cause he was a lot older than me and he said is wrong for me to be talking to you which told me he probably thought i was way younger than i am. Cause I swear when I present younger it's always old men who be weird and creepy to me which is gross within itself. But I brought that up to him and told other instances that happened in the grocery store and i said im just probably being dramatic and he told me I wasn't being dramatic and only one other person has told me that she was actually the one who told what happened was really bad and she told me a few other things that happened to me were sa. But when I talk about it with therapists or other friends they're either dismissive, blame me, tell me to stop wearing short skirts, tell me I shouldn't have put myself in that situation and I just was never really allowed to process it so I feel like it's still unhealed and I still have a lot of anxiety about being alone in public unless it's somewhere that's mainly women. But hearing someone say I wasn't being dramatic I don't know it meant more than it probably should.

Oh also he said he was surprised I was so tall, so many people say that. So many people expect me to be shorter and I have no idea why. Also I'm not that tall I'm 5'8 so is my best friend and sister. But most importantly he has kept everything 110% innocent and sweet and I've never experienced a guy not immediately being interested in that. I started to feel like that was my only purpose but I think he actually likes me as a person, and my eyes started to water just as I said that. Okay I will stop here before I write a whole essay again. Oh I think I can show you what he looks like without actually posting a picture and I started watching this YouTuber just before I met the guy I'm talking about which is so weird that I just realized they look a lot alike like so much alike I had to bounce back and forth between their pictures.

The only difference is the guy I'm talking to, his face is a little softer. But the resemblance is uncanny even the hair and he dresses exactly like him. Also the YouTubers name is Seth Borden he's related to Lizzie Borden and he's a paranormal investigator.

[hospitalroom]

(TW// graphic descriptions of death, sui, r ment)

one of the last times we spoke , it was snowing. you were alive to witness (iirc) the first snowfall of the season. we made a promise to get through the winter, and we were both struggling really hard. you told me you would go to an outpatient treatment, and that things would be okay. you died a week later.

today is the one year anniversary of your album “Borderline”. you named it after the condition that your family gave you, worsened by the conditions you were working against. you were always so hard on yourself, but you are so irreplaceable, so universally cherished. recalling the night i sent you the above picture, during the three hour phone call we had that carried into 2AM, you said that if you died that night… i would be one of the five people you thought about before you passed, and you wanted me to know that you cared for me so deeply. i blame myself for not knowing. i didnt see it as any different than our normal, grim conversations where we spoke about taboos and things that would get us hospitalized in a heartbeat. after all, we bonded over our primal instinct to self destruct, frustrating resilience, and the hilarity of tragedy, and the complex experience of being transgender, through which we a deep understanding and compassion for one another. you thanked me for teaching you what family felt like. as lovely and transformative as that was for me, it still was deeply traumatic and continued to solidify that everyone i love is going to leave me. I guess that feeling is on brand for the guy who helped you write the description about borderline personality disorder for your album.

if you were alive today, i imagine youd be posting about how proud you were about this album. i remember you telling me about how every time you fell asleep to this album, you’d have nightmares. i remember one year ago, you hosted an album release party that i tried so hard to go to— paying $70 for a lyft or uber only for nothing to show up. instead i sat at home and cried. i have listened to the album more times than what is considered healthy for grieving. I imagine that if you were alive, i’d still be sharing your music with the people i meet with the same enthusiasm i had while you were both alive and dead, but i wouldnt have to tell your stories for you and add on the fact that theyd never be able to see you perform live or have the privilege of speaking with you. if only you couldve known how much your music would continue to reach others who are moved, impacted, inspired…. all from you & your creation.

i regret that we never got to do friendsgiving last year. im glad that i did, at the very least, text you happy new years at midnight— because you were my priority. you were never a burden to me, and i hate that you died believing you were. i carry so much of your emotions with me everywhere i go. they never really left this planet… i channel you when i can. when i picked up bass again after escaping domestic abuse, i played with the pick you gave me because it felt like the only way i could say what i needed to express when words were failing me. i lost my sister when i needed her most. i didnt know how to navigate anything that was happening— i just kept making it worse, and worse, and worse. it didnt help when i tried to chase the comfort in the grief and cling to anything that reminded me of you. (what was that one quote about red flags and red being your favorite color? lol. it does fit in here)

i remember having to endure your memorial. i remembered every single time you told me about when your parents failed you— about how they actively refused to protect you and would go out of their way to neglect you and abuse you. how your brother was no better, and how youd laugh through the bitter relief of their shallow mindedness. i miss that so much. you were stronger than me in that regard, contrary to your belief. i have been angry ever since you died. even before you died i was angry. but especially after. you were right about them deadnaming you. i wont repeat it, but you told me that when we die, regardless of what is on the headstone, theyll still say what they want to say. they told stories about how you were mentally ill, but it wasnt their fault. how you used to ride on dirt bikes and speak multiple languages, stack cups in record time, how you were so .. prepubescent. it was clear in some of the stories that you also had DID, which was not something youre very public about. But i think it does say a lot. it was also hard to listen to these stories knowing they werent sorry for any of it, having heard your mother yell at you for having a cold just a month prior, and recalling the time you tried to kill yourself and you were bleeding out from your head iirc on the bathroom floor, only for your dad (or one of your other family members, but iirc it was your dad) who didnt do anything other than leave you a pack of cigarettes in the puddle of blood. all of the recounts of what you survived just… overwhelmed me. oh my god it took everything in me to not slap the shit out of your mom or say anything. i ended up screaming outside afterwards. you deserved better.

i wish so badly things were different. i wish i didnt go to ren’s. i wouldnt have been r/ped and i couldve helped you. we couldve gotten mcdonalds and played rollercoaster tycoon or some shit. we couldve done acid together, even. you told me never to do a drug more than three times, so id be able to do it two more times with no repercussions. no matter what, we couldve been okay. i wouldn’t have had to go home, already shaken up and dissociated and try to remember what color and shape your car was . after all, if you were alive, i wouldnt have lashed out at the people in the chat who were sending memes and ignoring my messages, acting like it wasnt a literal active crisis situation. if you lived , and i was under the impression that you were in fact hospitalized, i wouldnt have been notified about two weeks later that you died. and then further alerted that i wasnt allowed to tell anyone to “respect the family “ as if they could even respect your boundaries. once again, the curse of borderline and having such an adverse reaction to injustice. i keep finding myself wishing that you were here because i want you to have lived through this— you wrote your first happy song. you rarely ever write down the happy things (that is why i posted the gathering outside your memorial when my friends + people who turned out to not be friends, rushed to check in on me.) .. we were supposed to find a place together. i was only a few months away. we could’ve done it.. this tastes so familiar. i know there’s nothing i couldve done that wouldve saved you, ultimately. but just one more day. one more week. a month. until something happened to establish a solid foundational hope. there is still no one who gets it like you do. i selfishly wish you were alive because i need you, and i miss you, and i want you here. i think i would kill just to get a hug from you again. i think things would finally feel okay. i miss seeing you like the same self help posts and memes, and seeing you post b&w selfies on your story, and i miss the pure childlike wonder i shared with you while describing the snow outside my broken window through shuddering teeth— hoe the blanket was like plush glitter and how tomorrow it will be trampled and viscous slush of mineral and whatever else is under people’s tires. i didnt think that would eventually include your remains. i have never looked at snow the same way again. it looks a little more glittery, a bit blurry like my tears are shielding me from the full weight of the memory, making no room for anything wondrous or innocent.

it’s snowing again, for the first time this winter/fall season. on the anniversary of the release day for Borderline. i fully believe you did this. i hear you, and i love you. i havent been doing so well myself. i promise i wont kill myself today, for you. i regret not making any proper appreciation post for the benefit show you hosted for me, it really did help tremendously, and i have also never been able to listen to medicine bottle the same way again. i ache for you and i am so overwhelmed by the pain. i need to return to this at a point in my life when i am not trapped on the night you died. i hope one day i can think of you without heaving a guttural sob that leaves me inconsolable. i understand what you meant about Ezra now. im so sorry. i hope youre at peace now. i will never, ever forget you.

[edythetalks]

How f*cked up my current life is.

Written by 2am Ginny, enjoy the chaos

No, I’m not here to say “oh no one likes me. Oh I’m not like the other girls”. No. I’m here to say that EVERYONE IN THAILAND I FUCKED.

Yea, giving away the country I live in is a risky thing, but like… the fuck will you get from me? My tears? And like I don’t go outside, sorry, I CAN’T go outside. I might fucking go bitch-ass dead the moment I step my mother fucking foot outside the door. You ain’t gonna see me, for another century, bro.

Now it’s currently 2.11 am as I write this thing and it’s supposed to let out my anger so yea.

Now like literally EVERYONE hates the government, like it’s literally a land of Technoblades, but in varieties. We have the ‘Bitch I Got Mouths To Feed, Salute As I Go To The Market, Mother Fuckers’. We also have the ‘In The Olden Days, I Used To Not Give A Fuck About People’s Opinions On Me. Now, I’m Trying To Get It Back’(aka me). We also have the ‘Bitch I Got NOTHNG To Do, So I’m Crafting Some Shit Up’. Honestly, the list goes on and we all have a fuckton of things in common like we HATE the government, people are dying and no one, but us are doing something about it, we’re all fucked and, this is what I call the MCYT Special, a 17 year old British gamer can do a lot better, he already is more successful that all of us except for that one insanely rich, but depressed guy.

Now I’m bringing you back to what I said about the ‘I’m not like the other girls’, BITCH, YOU EXPECT ME TO BE DIFFERENT?! FROM THE SAME THING IM SUPPOSED TO BE. THE FUCK?! I THOUGHT WATTPAD Y/N WRITTEN BY A TWELVE YEAR-OLD US BAD ENOUGH. YOU EXPECT US QUEENS TO NOT LIKE MAKEUP?! TO NOT HAVE FRIENDS?! TO BE SMART AS FUCK AND HAVE LONG BLONDE HAIR THAT REACHES TO OUR ASS AND HAVE BLUE EYES?! THE FUCK ARE WE TO YOU?! YOU EXPECT US TO BE ALL WHITE HIGHSCHOOL GIRLS WHO GETS BULLIED?! WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY IS THIS?! AND WHEN WE HAVE ONE TINY TRAIT SIMILAR, YOU PEOPLE CALL US PICK ME GIRLS?! I JUST GROW UP WITH BOYS AND I KNOW HOW THEY CAN BE. YOU SAYIN THAT I CAN’T DO THAT WITHOUGHT BEING A HOE? WHAT, AM I A GARDEN TO YOU?

Like, there’s the part where you can’t like makeup or girly things, but you can’t have ‘guy friends’ coz that somehow makes to be a whore. That’s why I don’t give a fuck about it. And that I quite a bad thing.

You see, people in my new school is fascinated by the fact that I stand on my own ground and don’t give a fuck about shit, that I am so brave of doing things, even if I’m the first person to, or the only one to do so. The fact that I can spot simps and who has a crush on who, that I can read people like an open book in bold letters and in enlarged size with someone reading it for me. Or the fact that I can quickly comprehend a text and highlight and summarise it so that people can either easily understand it or be even more confused. Or the fact that I know mind tricks to help cope with something, or the fact that I have such creative ideas that comes up to me instantly after being shown something. Or that I know right away what do do when someone doesn’t feel well, mentally or physically. Even the fact that I’m so open-minded about everything and understands what someone is going through, they are always so proud to call me friend, or even best friend.

You see, as the musical Hamilton says it, “every action has a equal, opposite reaction”. Or the Equivalent Exchange principal which is that greatness cannot come from nothing, something in equal value must be lost while the said greatness is obtained. The traits doesn’t come from nothing, I didn’t just born and someone said “I’m gonna throw some extra traits so spice things up”, no. Something happened to me. Something in equal value is lost as I obtained the skill.

Let’s take some examples, me not giving a fuck about anything. Now I’m not blaming anyone, but constant standards are always put on me, from being Asian and being in one of the most intense-teaching school system for more than half of my life. I was told that I need to become either a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer in order to be successful. That I need to take my dad’s place of job when I’m older. That oh ‘my cousin wants to be a doctor, but I said that I want to become an dancer’. The school system is so focused on learning, some kids are competing for the smallest thing you could ever imagine. WHO THE FUCK SAY WHAT EACH SHOE COSTS INSTEAD OF THE TOTAL PRICE. I JUST WANNA WEAR MY NICE TRADITIONAL SCHOOL SHOES. WERE HERE TO LEARN NOT SAY THAT YOUR WATER BOTTLE IS FROM JAPAN. Constant stress of living to people’s expectations until, I feel like I’m not happy. I don’t like the new shoes I got because I’m scared someone will make it dirty. I actually don’t want to learn the lyrics of Jojo Siwa’s new song. She’s great and all, but I would rather watch YouTube videos and make doll houses. Reminder that this is like from kindergarten to 3 years ago. It got so bad that I got embarrassed to go to the child centre of the hospital at eight because I’m ‘not supposed to be here’ and that I’m ‘too old’. But then it kinda just hit me. Why am I wasting my time stressing myself out just for someone’s ‘standard’ of me. I could get so much more shit done instead of even thinking about it. I can plan where I put my new books on the shelf. There will always be some standard bull crap no matter what u do. It just depends if I’m listening to what people are expecting me to be for who I am.” Then slowly, but surely, I just start to ignore what people say about me. It was about the time I move schools to a much less-teaching-intense school, which one, I don’t need to see those people who judge me, two, since it’s a less intense-learning school, I got to open my eyes to reality, the warm hearted one and the cold, brutal one.

I’ll continue my rant tomorrow, it’s 3am.

[karasumajo]

I read through the old messages with my last favorite person.

I never realized how easily I would bend to his word and needs 😅 or just how much affection and care I'd give to him. At the time I guess I wouldn't have, I use to react purely on emotions and feelings without a thought.

I guess if makes sense that my ex didn't like him, but I would still talk to him and make time and do my best to always be there for him. Now, looking back,I guess I could see why my ex boyfriend felt the threat from him. But it was purely just friendship.

I guess I liked having someone to care about and who depended on my being there for them.

There was a conversation I saw between him and I

Him: "Are you awake?"

Me: "of course, what's up?"

Him: "I just really need someone. I'm feeling anxious, sad, I can't sleep."

Me: " :( I'm always here ____♡ it's okay. Do you want to talk on the phone? Want to come over? Want foods?"

Him: "idk, I guess not being alone would be nice, ill head over."

Me: "okay, I'll make something to eat! We can sit outside and eat! See you soon ♡"

It was like 2am. I remember that day was a terrible day at work but I wanted to be there for him lol. But it was always that way when he didn't want to be alone, and I always made myself available to him.

We even had a conversation once where he proposed that if when we are older and single, perhaps we can just have some kind of FWB relationship 😅 and I just...agreed. like I didn't even factor in how that might effect me.

Anyway, what hurt me to read was when I realized I was begging him to talk to me. I mean I don't blame him, his relationship would obviously be more important than me and also I guess having me as a friend was a liability. But I did my best to keep boundaries for him and his gf. I just wanted him to talk to me at least.

But then, one day, he said something....so ...stupid lol

We had gone to the mall together as we usually did, and his gf called, asked what he was up To.

He told her.. "I'm at the mall with my ex."

.......

Not (my name here). Not "my best friend". Not even just "my friend". MY EX. WHO TF SAYS THAT ???

So I guess she obviously was unhappy and he goes to take the call privately. I started feeling anxious and like I'm doing something wrong... 😅 when he came back I asked if that's all he sees me as? His ex? And he said Well you are, you're my ex girlfriend after all, im not going to lie to her.

I said but ____ ...I'm you're friend... 😅. And he said Yeah, but we dated. You're my ex.

So here we are at the mall, I just bought him all these gifts because yknow I'm a dumb bitch, and he's just there calling me his ex and nonchalantly... 😅

That's where things went downhill.

His girlfriend hated me. My existence. I guess rightfully so...but she never would tell him to get shit together, she would come after me about it with messages and phone calls...it was stressful lol.

Then when I thought things were fine, everything finally was hashed out, I still have my fp, his gf is actually cool, she's my new friend. Everything is fine

He blocked me.

He didn't just block me, but basically erased my existence from his life.

Couldn't text or call him. Couldn't DM him. Couldn't send him a fb message. Literally nothing.

His brother told me he got rid of all the paintings I made for him. All the gifts.

He deleted me.

And I just... didn't exist anymore.

I panicked. I got scared and I got anxious and I tried what I could to just get a word out of him, something. Just tell me WHY?????? lol..like why just shut me out, in like the most random and hurtful way possible? After everything, don't I at least deserve a heads up? An explanation? Idk, something? Fucking smoke signals? A letter? An email?????

That was it. He just deleted me. My last message to him I left on IG was

"____ I'm not even angry at this point. Just please tell me what I did wrong now? Please just tell me what happened? I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I hurt ______ in anyway...Just don't shut me out like this please. Whatever your reasons are at this point okay fine but just please tell me why and what I did. I just need to at least know.."

I got no reply back and that was the last message.

For the next following days, weeks, months. I guess I went through withdrawal of not talking to him everyday 😅 not having that friendship. I was depressed, crying all the time, anxiety would rise and fall throughout the day dramatically. I'd anxiously look at my phone hoping he'd replied. But I never got anything.

I missed him.

After some time, another person we knew told me that he was talking about me at his job. At first I thought "oh? Maybe he's thinking of talking to me again?"

But no.

He talked about what a shit friend I was. How I never showed care. How I apparently was always such a bitch and didn't know how to just chill out. How I was always so intense and my favorite "she's a mess".

He read my message, and told everyone he didn't bother replying because "how can she not see how she's a lot".

😅

So naturally, I emailed him 😂.

I told him how much I hated him, how he's a piece of shit, how dare he call me a bad friend. I told him what a little bitch he is and how I wanted to beat his face in and to stay the fuck away from me forever.

Yknow, all that good stuff...

I mean clearly, yeah, I'm a mess. But I wasn't a bad friend. That much I knew, but it didn't matter. The thoughts ate me up. The worry and overthinking had a field day in my head. The constant thought of "you see how you're so much you just fuck shit up? Why can't you just be normal?"

He made me question my own sanity, my love, the way I am. Am I really innocent? What if he's right? What I even fooled myself into thinking I'm good but really, what if I'm just so evil that I'm good at manipulating others into believing I'm good?

I still wonder that tho, I live in constant doubt of myself and my own intentions, I wonder if I'll ever be able to just be me and not feel like I constantly need to validate and confirm my own emotions and feelings accordingly. It's tiring and now I don't even know how to just react without thinking about my reactions first.

Today he tried pretending non of that happened. Like he never had anything to do with the way I am now. He smiled, he joked, he talked to me, he tried hugging me. He took me to Chipotle to get lunch. Then he asked me about how I've been and how I've been dealing with my anxiety. Because he worried.....

LOL EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME SIR???????

Needless to say I went off and told him how we are just coworkers and he lost the right to ask that question forever ago.

Still, the fucked up part is, I still miss him. 🙄 ew.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Maybe Because writing it makes it so that it's out of my head and here. Maybe a small part of me felt happy today because small moments felt like the old days. With his dumb jokes and always finding ways to make me laugh and smile.

Mostly I guess to remind myself why I can't let myself be swayed back in a friendship with someone like him. Because I know that if I did, it would just end the same and I would have played myself again.

Womp, well that was a lot 😅 im gonna go back to sleep now, this kinda helped I guess.

Sorry for the long rant and shit 😅 goodnight nobody and everybody!

[hyeri-yah]

No way!!! International studies is so so cool! Could I ask you to just ramble about your favorite parts of it/about it? I've been considering it myself and haven't met anyone taking it on here! 😁 Also, what are you doing with it/hope to do! Hope you're having a great start to the week! 💕

this actually made me giggle!! let’s see...hmmm...International Relations isn’t really a popular major, but I do assure you it’s incredibly interesting!! I’m sure there are differences in the course material since I’m living in the Philippines, and it would be different anywhere else in the world (esp in regards to subjs relating to your country and its foreign policies). But I’ll list things I really love about this degree!! I’m gonna put a read more bc it’s kinda long lmaoooo

HISTORY!! POLITICS!! CULTURE!! OBSCURE GEOPOLITICAL THEORIES NO ONE REALLY HAS HEARD ABOUT EXCEPT FOR PROBABLY GERRYMANDERING!!

i’ll just say it, im a history nerd. I like reading world history and knowing how things happened and why. I think it’s pretty cool. I like reading about politics, how things just connect after you’ve realized the bigger picture. Culture is nice too, and it’s actually one of the best parts of this major!! Also you get to learn at least one language!!!

 And then here comes the theories. There are a lot of them and they can come in all shapes, sizes and forms, and most of the time, they’re kind of too “out-there” to actually make sense. But when you could finally understand what the authors are trying to say (bc political book authors are sometimes not the best writers... fck u Heywood...), it’s such a rewarding epiphany.

The thing about this course is that, you shouldn’t take it if you’re not interested in these kinds of things because it could get reallyyyyyy boring. While I do love the topic, i have to admit I might’ve slept in class a few times.

MEETING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE!!

This is the course that I actually met Leanne, who is one of my most trusted and closest friend ever. We just clicked, especially with our opinion on things and our love for History and Politics!!! We actually share our thoughts a lot of times, and we often stay talking for so many hours bc we just have a lot of things to share lmaoooo She’s really interested about Israel and the Middle East, while I have a lot of thoughts on East Asia. 

It depends on your batch tho. Our classmates on the other hand seemed like they wanted to be somewhere else. They’re not particularly interested in the subject, and was just working hard for the grades. It’s understandable but a bit disappointing that only Leanne, Me, and another guy who’s pretty much proclaimed himself as a communist are the only ones who seemed to be enjoying. 

MORE POLITICSSSSSSS

I really like how this course had widened my perspective on things, especially with how society has become more politically active. I used to be so vocal about my opinions, but after graduating, I just realized I often only know one side of things, and I shouldn’t really be too hasty/harsh with my words or even share them at all, when I don’t really know anything. 

Contrary to popular belief, it’s up to you if you wanna go to the route of political activism, and you will definitely encounter it at university. I myself can’t handle it bc it affects my mental health so badly, I’d rather not do something triggering. 

But!!! But!! But!! THIS COURSE ACTUALLY HELPED ME A LOT WITH WORLDBUILDING IN MY STORIES!! Since I’ve been learning a lot about countries/nations and how they work and why they do the things they do, I can use the same theories to make my own worlds more realistic in a sense. 

I usually follow something like a Dialectic Materialism triangle (i heard it was by Marx but not sure!!! i dont wanna google at 2AM anymore) which explains that society’s decisions/inclinations/preferences are determined by its economics. It makes sense in a diagram hahahha I use it to make sense of why people in my stories think they way they do!! 

Even if you were asking me about what I love about this, I’m not sure I can say anything without telling you the bad sides of it. Like I said, if topics like Politics, History, Economics, Theories, etc. doesn’t interest you, you really shouldn’t take this course. The same thing happened to our classmates. It’ll be like living hell. Because it’s not an easy major, even I hate it sometimes. You always have to read and read and read!! The course doesn’t stop at the material/book given. You gotta hit the library and find books about certain topics and follow the daily national and international news. It’s still a habit of mine I’ve brought to this day!!

The professors are shrewd, strict and downright mean (in our case), which I dont blame them for. The Diplomatic corps is a freakin hellhole if you’re not prepared to take in all the stress of constant work, anxiety of not making up to the standard (which is pretty high), and the whole dynamic and ever-changing nature of the tasks, you’re gonna go crazy. And I mean it not in the metaphorical sense. I was intern at our foreign ministry and I’ve heard stories. 

But, that’s only if you plan on joining the Diplomatic corps lmaoooooo the major is such a worthwhile thing to take! It widens your perspective, and makes you more open to different political opinions ( i mean, you get to understand why people believe the things they do, because it is determined by a lot of factors), and it’s super helpful in my writing!!!

Finallyyyy,,,this major taught me something I always abide to now: “Cool head, Warm Hearts”

I think I’ll end it here!!!! If you have any more questions, feel free to hit me up again!!! Thanks for asking this hahahahha I really enjoyed going down memory lane ksksksks 

[bnhavibes]

Y/n goes out on a late-night run to get out some nervous energy and ends up running longer than expected. Since their still not tired they decided to call their best friend Shinso to ask if they can come over for a bit. You can decide from there, thank you b.

announcements!!

requests can take a while, i’ve decided to start writing a fic 🥰 but i haven’t chose who to pair with my OC so im going to have you vote in my asks!(or dm me on discord if u want to make certain requests too!

do you want reader insert with (y/n) or should we just name the OC? (side note: whats an alluring name?) <answer a for (y/n), b for (your suggestion).

should it be bxg, bxgxb, or gxgxb? <answer a, b or c>

who would you like to see in this pairing(s)? <answer a, Katsuki Bakugou, b, Shouto Todoroki, c, Izuku Midoriya, d, Ejirou Kirishima, e, Denki Kaminari, f, Momo Yayaorozu, g, Jirou Kyouka, h, Hitoshi Shinsou, i, League of Villains (insert up to 2 members unless you’ve picked a student or hero), j, any other options besides Endeavor, Aayoma, Tokoyami, Asui, Shigaraki, and anybody who’s personality i cannot portray lmfao)

Shinsou, Hitoshi x Reader

(request)

(NSFW) warning!

cussing, some heavy makeouts with descriptive characteristics

not actual penetration

but enough steam to keep it: moisy

College aged upUA! (so basically ua is a college lmao)

18+

this one is gonna be long since i pushed it off so far sorry bb😭

“Hey, you up?”

you: (typing) So I’ve been running for way longer than I thought, stuck thinking and overthinking about my life and I found myself by your apartment and wanted to stop by to get some advice? I know it’s pretty late but you’re always saying if you need me at 2am |

“Fuck, no, I can’t say that!” You growl in frustration before erasing the dumb text. Twiddling your thumbs above the screen as your hands laced the back of your device, you pace around, frantic about how you were gonna tell your old best friend that you were outside his apartment and desperately freezing. (it was like the middle of the night, and yet you were out in a crossed-back tank top, with a windbreaker and loose running shorts.

You and Shinsou have known each other for as long as you remember. You weren’t on good terms for a while; The first time he announced that he got his Quirk, you were out sick, and all of the kids in your class teased and picked on him. He essentially blamed you for not being there and defending him, but you guys didn’t see each other between the end of middle school and middle of high school. Now that you both go to UA, and are at the mercy of pros, you have to deal with working together for the sake of the citizens (even if you have bad blood between you). But you didn’t expect him to be so relieved when he saw you at school. And the two of you got along so well, it was like he was never even mad at you. He did bring it up, once, but he has only ever been nothing but kind to you when you started studying with him.

Then you started hanging out with him.

More and more.

More boundaries being pushed.

More times you’re together than not.

More things to study for? Hah, typical.

Then you’re having sleep overs.

Where you sleep in his bed.

...And he spoons you.

..........Weird.

‘Thats weird, right?’ You think to yourself the morning after. Nobody should be in the same bed with other people if they’re not together right? Shouldn’t it feel weird that you went to bed with another adult? That’s just your friend?

you: Are we just frien—

You stop yourself before even finishing that idiotic question, groaning in frustration. “What the hell do I say to him?” You tell your device more than yourself, at this point, just looking for answers.

New Message: Shinsou

Your eyes bulge out of your head and your hands almost drop your phone at the sudden vibration in your hand.

Shinsou: yeah, im just up doing dumb shit on my computer anyways

you: you mean like beating off? ewwww tmi Shinsou Hitoshi 🥴

Shinsou: fuck you (Y/f&l/N) 😂

Shinsou: if you want me to beat off before you get here, i can tho

you: i mean you’ll have enough time do it, i just so happen to be walking in to your apartment complex 😂😉

You giggle as you head up the stairs to his small student apartment, knowing the way all too well by memory.

Shinsou: wtf? 🤨 why were you all the way over here.

you: i couldn’t sleep, so i decided to go jogging

you: turns out i was drugged

you: kidnapped

you: and returned nearby because i kept annoying the shit out of the dudes

Shinsou: figures. 💀

Shinsou: i would’ve dropped you off at the loony bin tho

Shinsou: we’d probably both have to sign in tbh😂😂

you: 😒 come open the door ya punk.

The warm smell of freshly cooked— or reheated— pizza filled your nostrils as the door was opened for you. Stepping in and removing your shoes, you glance around to see if anyone else was over.

“Sorry, I know I said I would clean it.” He mumbles, thinking you were looking at the mess of a living area he made this morning. (because building forts is cool, okay?)

“No, you’re good,” You chuckle as you remove your jacket, “it IS your house anyways. Not like i can tell you what to do.”

A pregnant pause filled the air before you realized he had went and disappeared to his room and you were still by the door. Shaking your head at yourself, you follow him, building up courage to confront last night’s cuddle thing.

When you got to his room, however, he had laid out a towel on his bed and was looking through his closet. You dropped your shoes and looked around to seethat his shower was running, and there was the hair brush you lost on his desk (with a sticky note that said ‘Text (y/n) you found it. Reminder #251’). There was still rummaging behind you when you look at him in the reflection of his computer.

When he pulls out a shirt of his that you always compliment him in.

And a pair of exercise shorts that he hadn’t worn yet.

You blush when you realize he wants you to shower in his bathroom.

And then put his clothes on.

“Hit—Hitoshi-san?” You questioningly squeak, squeezing your eyes shut once you hear how cringey it sounded to be calling him by his last name again.

He notices the change, though, blinking softly at you with a shirt in hand. “I—... I just thought you, m-maybe wanted to shower. Cause you’re sweaty and stuff. Plus you might be able to fall asleep better.” He defended himself, putting his hands up.

“N-No, I know, I just...” You face him, avoiding his gaze. “I have to.. um...” You couldn’t do it. You were backing out.

“Tell me, what’s on your mind? I’m here if you need to talk.” He says, trying to catch your eyes as he steps toward you.

“Hito-sssh-hitt. Ugh! Why is it so hard to tell you!?” You curse your tongue for letting you sputter so embarrassingly in front of your best friend. You pace toward Shinsou, but turn back, groaning as you face palm repeatedly.

“You’re acting weird, (Y/N). Since when were you calling me by my last name, you know you can call me pretty much anything else. I swear if you say some dumb shit about another prank I’m gonna—

“Are we just friends or what?” You spat, slapping a hand over your mouth as soon as the words slipped out.

“What?”

The look on his face was so.... precious?

His eyes widened a little, mouth agape with loss, and shoulders cringing a bit at his sudden nerves. You removed your hand slowly but turned it into a fist as quick as it landed at your side.

“Y-You heard me. Are we just friends or, is there m-more... between us..” You trailed off, not noticing how close you’d gotten yourself when he was talking to you.

“More?” He asked, his voice seeming to be hung on to a thin string of hope. He inhales sharply before speaking softly:

“I— I thought... Well, to be honest these last few months with you have been awesome b—

“—But you don’t have feelings for me right?” You interrupted him, looking up into (what felt like to him) his soul.

So it was just you? You started to leave, his hesitation enough of an answer for you.

“No, I- Hey, wait!” He was confused, the poor boy, as to how you took his words. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay, Hitoshi-san.” You say, smiling back at him with a hand on his bedroom door knob.

“S-Seriously! I— Uhm..” He stopped you from opening the door with his hand over yours, pushing the door closed all together when he tripped over a loose shoe and against your body.

You gasp at the sudden fall, but can’t help but worry about him.

“Are you okay?” You ask, helping him stand up straight. “Sorry about the shoe— Mmmph?”

He kissed you so softly, you’d think it was a ghost. His hands cupped around your head, fingers laced through your hair as they almost support your movements. Instinctively you’re kissing him back, letting his body tower over yours and press you harder against the wall. His lips were like soft pillows, and his tongue flicked at your lips, teeth, and tongue so well that you couldn’t help but pull him in closer and closer; the longsleeved sweatshirt he had on was bunching up from your grasps, and you could feel his skin just barely grazing your own. You’re subconsciously tracing designs on his sides with your fingers, slowly running them along the hem as it lifts up when the feeling of heat in your stomach (and face) brings you back to your realitive plain of existence.

You’re currently making out with your best friend.

And you can feel how much he likes it.

“Sh-Shinsou, I—I’m sweaty.” You say, pushing him back a little.

He raises an eyebrow at you. (is that really gonna stop him? shusoskfkdjd)

Then he’s back on your lips, picking your legs off the ground and pulling them around his hips; pressing you back into the wall and grinding himself so deliciously against you. Soft moans escape your lips as his own travel to your neck, hands creeping up your shirt this time. Instead of touching you, however, he only lightly grazes your skin with the lads of his fingers up your torso until hes able to lift your shirt off (with help from you of course). Once it’s off, he’s back at your neck, leaving sloppy kisses before grabbing you by the ass and walking to his bathroom.

He set you down on the sink counter, ridding himself of his shirt and lowering himself down to his knees; His hands at your hips, fingers teasingly looping the elastic waistband of your shorts. He looks up at you with those eyes— The ones that ignite the flame in your core, those piercing, desperate eyes. He’s leaning his head into your thigh as he looks up at you, a smile smirk shows that your reaction to his wherebouts must be entertaining to him. You can feel your core tremble as he lays kisses on your legs, occasionally taking a nice long drag of his tongue along the sensitive skin of your inner thighs and stopping at the hem of your shorts. Letting a tiny gasp slip, you place your hands on his to stop him. He looks up at you for a second, but his worries wash away when he sees your hardened nipples and flush skin.

“You look so cute like this.” His voice breaks the tension in the air before he kisses your thighs again. “So flustered and confused.” He bites down gently on your skin, causing you to stifle a moan. He sucks slowly, his teeth just grazing you enough to leave a mark, but not enough to make it hurt. You gasp when his head moves to your centre, the heat of his exhales sending chills up your spine.

“You’re just... so naughty, aren’t you (Y/N)?” He whispers onto the thin cloth before laying his head back down on your leg, pulling your shorts down painfully slow. “You’re absolutely soaked, huh? I can smell you from here.” He looks at you, cueing you to lift your legs up, pulling your shorts off completely before returning to his position between your legs.

“No panties, huh?” He chuckles, scooting you to the edge of the counter by your hips. “You’re so god damn beautiful.” He whispers on your lips, your mouth just slacked enough for him to take advantage of, slipping his tongue straight past your teeth and directly brushing against your tongue. You feel yourself pooling over the counter, soaking against his boxers when he starts to take them off.

“Tell me what you wanna do.” He says against your collarbone, fingers still looped around the edges of his boxers.

“I, I need to sh-shower.” You squeak.

“You’re so fucking cute,” He says after chuckling. “I meant me, kitten, now do you want me or not?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“I — I want you, Shinsou. I want all of you.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, (Y/N).”

“I’m not, I promise— but, ugh, can you just fuck me already?”

The boldness of your words cracks a shit eating grin you only knew from that class 1-A asshat onto Shinsou’s face.

“Get in the fucking shower then.”

[threenorth]

Dearest L

I hope this might be one of my last letters but.. I'd write everyday if i had something to offer but my blog will tell you I'm thinking about things i haven't properly I got stuck on a loop at looking at it in the wrong ways.

I look to the stars.

They tell me how much i still feel for you.

I look at the few images i have that i made bookmarks of you at least you don't feel so far away...

When i wakeup in the morning and find your in my book next to me at least I'm kinda waking up to you but it's not the same as what might be...

Everyday I'm getting stronger but also new issues becoming apparent.... ultimately your laugh and your smile eats up my grey and if your anything like me...

I'm sorry you probably relaized my smile was beginning to retreat I felt like a worthless looser and I couldn't tell you my shit because i didn't want to ever hurt you, it's why i never asked you about what i deemed touchy subjects and ultimately i guess that's my fault... When i was younger i looked into sex and how to please woman in bed around the time i was looking into my own sexuilty i came across bdsm and let's say i being literal and undagoised with my asd i got some of the terms mixed up and started feeling more and more attracted to the wrong types of media... Yknow what i mean.... people talked about age play and age regression and at 19 i felt 13-17 or worse some days I'm pretty sure i was 9 in front of you but couldn't tell you i felt childish maybe that's why I'm whimsical sometimes...

I'm pretty sure my assement is gonna drop the BPD on me...

I made mistakes in our friendship/relationship but I take the blame i was pretty fucked up some of the time...

And today...

I was thinking about when you asked if i had a girlfriend i didn't reply it's you but 2013 was quite a blur but as far as i remember depending on time frame I don't think even though it appears you thought so but i don't think i cheated on you... But i do know before you i had a ldr gf i wanted you but you were dating i think it was quin? I can't remember you umm yeah you know but maybe aoon after by a few months I got into a really bad relationship again some of that is a blur i need to check our blogs and check the dates but i think we might of gone on dates but after we collapsed i said to her i was single but ultimately i guess here's a bit of trivia for you i would of asked you out in 2013 sooner but i didn't know your opinion on long distance and you said something like nah that doesn't apeel to me and it's funny because for me i would do long distance with people because you never know what can happen and now i want someone here but we have be back at long distance until covid leaves and or maybe we could... Well...

You made me so happy... My rules I put on myself you have always been.

1. Never hurt L more then she's been through allot just like me.

1.1 Don't talk about truma or touchy subjects.

1.2 especially about certain people's names and i tried to forget them but i remember a few...

2. Let her guide the convo if she wants to talk about something important to her let her talk as much or as little as she wants to.

2.1 listen when it's important to do so and then if need be offer your opinion or advice in the situation if it's one of those situations.

3. If she talks about something research it to try understand it or maybe figure out what she says.

4. Always check her blog for the warning signs to make sure she doesn't lie about feeling okay or try figure out what she might be going through as school is hard and that could be 1/1.1

5. If something you think could be considered confronting or confidential don't blog about it on my own blog.

6. Ask on anon if you had something but maybe for some reason feel rejection or axeinty maybe but later i started sending specifics so you knew it was me...

Your most recent words eating me alive...

So I don't know how to rebuild trust with you.. It. Takes time and i got all the time in the world but i know that let's say i don't know if we do if you want me to clarify I'll wait for that discussion but...

But i know your unstable I'm always going to accept a call at 3am if you need me. My mental health can take hit's and I'm willing to be hurt so you can be stable... I was trying to hint to you to take your meds but then I forgot about the American healthcare system my $5 for something like 30 pills came with a free repeat and i think if im prescribed it it's $5 for 90 and a free repeat and that same med for you is $120 American ($5 nzd) I'm willing to be hurt from all things on your mind that you don't talk about I'm guessing? But if I'm stable it makes it easier for me to take your pain because i know most of your issues relate back to me so i know your talk about me so please remember I'm trying to get back to my best me but some of those days i wasn't really there i miss being carefree and whimsical.

But remember I'd be holding your hand though your pain, you held mine and you don't deserve to go through it alone anymore or at all but i don't know how to tell you that i can't be there but I'll comfort you I'll be here and maybe one day you can come to my arms and we can feel 17/19 again(June 24th) but the good days in the outlet when you put on the iron man mask for kids.. I sometimes wish i had taken more photos but ultimately your memories are in my heart and i kept them safe...if i knew that would be my last/first kiss (with you) I would of done it longer but a few things that day crossed my mind and why i stood back...

It's day's like this that i feel okay but if you see.. I can't be social axouis around you I'm afraid I'd break my new rules.

But I'm always wondereding so many things I'm sure your the same but none of them matter to me anymore because i relaize that I want you in my life and now never leave again and i guess you can't believe me when i say it but I'm sorry i promised forever but i didn't know my life was about to take a rough corner, i look now and i see your hand and i kept shooting it down, i also never saw your hints your blog was always so painful for me to revisit, I've tried for so long to return to you i remember when you asked me to leave so i did but i couldn't get you off my mind and everytime i wanted to message you my brain told me she told you no and i didn't and by trust tell you truthfully what ever you ask but i know sometimes you say something and it means something else so please forgive me when i cross the line and you actually ment what you said, we need to work on our communication and i promise I'll tell you as much or as little as you want when you ask me something, or when you ask if I'm okay, so.. Yeah i guess i'm suffering some days truma wrecking my brain currently but not as bad as before but some days are rough about ughhh last fortnight i did my first step in becoming my own Steve Rogers. Trying to be a good man and I'm getting there... I'm just stuck in my super soilder tube.

I look back you said you were sarcastic and cynical and I guess I'm greatful i never saw that side of you, i always saw a beatufil girl id love to date. Unfortunately now we're older and this makes life more difficult but we did this once so we can again and if we have to do rolling hours of me getting up at 3am to talk to you for an hour before you work I'd do it once my mental health won't be impacted by short sleeps.

I've gone to bed at 2am/3am the last few days I'm s bit shakey but i can function but i don't know how sunstable this is.. Yet without pharmaceuticals.

Also while I'm at it I'm willing to revist anytime from 199 ughhh 4 would be difficult but 1994-202- with your questions i have many for you but i don't want you to be hurt so before we do my safe word will be asking you to stop asking me that or something.

I'm getting stronger and some of my old triggers are gone I'm afraid of a new one and you might blame yourself for hurting me but ultimately i don't care if you hurt me, but it might take a bit of time to rebound sometimes i'm quick sometimes I'm not so nimble.

X

R

Burn after reading.

P.S

Did I tell you i had a tattoo idea for you back in the day? Well If not had one but now it's changed but it's almost the same.

Oh here's a laugh my shrink asked me today if i knew the star wars character doctor spock.

I was like ughhh there's no star wars character named doctor spock you must mean star trek and then it's mr spock or did you mean bones the doctor.

I'm pretty sure he's trying to raddle my cage.

[jooheonies]

nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu

bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,

send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!

hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!

okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.

hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/

Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/

so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!

hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it

hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,

them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what

HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,

ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!

I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh

this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

what i would say:

honestly, i didnt see myself writing this tonight. i didnt see the point, plus its getting late (2AM). i was ready to sleep right after the mask, but somehow this idea wouldnt leave my head. i didnt want to write this out as well because i feel extremely level-headed tonight, and i didnt want to ruin that. but then again, maybe it is good that i am writing this out when i am level-headed.  perhaps the reason why i cant stop replaying the past few days in my head is because i have yet to write down what i want to say. perhaps writing it all out helps me to vomit whats on my mind, so that i can make space for more better things (like jesus and school LOLOL).  now ideally, this would have been said at some place quiet. some place where it’d just be us. it’d be after a meal that he has asked me out for - intentionally. the purpose of the meal? i am not sure. but i’d like to think it’d be for a date, or just him being his usual self - intentional. in my head, im picturing the steps at MBS. not the usual lying benches, bc it would have been uncomfortable. but the steps are close enough to feel intimate, but far enough to not make eye contact and stare at something foreign/familiar, you choose.  i wanted to say should the opportunity ever come up, but man if he never asks, then i might just do it to get it off my chest haha.  so here goes the things i would say:  actually i just wanted to let you know that for the past few months - i actually liked you. hahaha i know this is going to feel awkward, no this is never my intention. i just wanted to tell you that i liked you, and i have no expectation on where this should go. i know that you are going to say, ‘thank you for the courage, thank you for sharing with me’ - bc i think i know you. (so much pride in this sentence!!!!)  but i wanted to tell you because actually, i just wanted to get it off my chest. honestly, and genuinely, i have no expectations on you on how this should go. i dont expect you to tell me nice things, to say that you feel the same way. i dont expect you to bear the responsibility of what i just said. i dont think it’s fair for you to feel all that, which is also why i didnt want to share this with you.  i didnt want to share what i feel because i didnt want to become your statistic. that statistic. but i thought to myself, if i were to ever become that statistic, i would damn well be the most special one. you see, i liked you not because you were cute. ok i guess partly, but i realised i started to like you only when i started to get to know you. i liked you because you have been vulnerable. because you were honest, because you were real with me. and in that, i got to experience the realness of your love. 

another reason why i didnt want to tell you was because i wanted to prove that what your friend said could be true. that two people, different genders, can be capable of forming a platonic relationship. now, was it because we crossed certain boundaries, that made me like you? perhaps. but then again, i dont blame us, or myself even because i dont think we were even aware of the boundaries until we crossed it. is that to say that we shouldnt be careful? of course not. i think even more so after i acknowledge my feelings, i felt way more careful than i could ever be. i think twice about what i want to say, whether nicknames are appropriate, or simply even the stickers i want to send to you. in everything that i do, i honestly tried to keep as platonic as i can.  of course, that also goes to show that maintaining a platonic relationship is hard. i think one thing that works with darren and i was that we were VERY explicit in our mutual interest with each other. i also think it came with the context of the relationship that darren and i had - we were young, (19?) we were figuring things out, and figuring out what we liked. was it a bit too early to make a conclusion? perhaps. but do we have a good relationship now? heck yes.  i think what makes our relationship special is that we are able to love freely (hahaha ok to a certain extent), lovely clearly, and communicate well with each other in the process. i think we are good at that, with each other. maybe its a two thing.  that was what made loving you feel so free, but trapped at the same time. that when emotions were in play, it was difficult to distinct my intentions.  now here’s the thing - like i said above, i have no expectations on where this is going. honestly. if we were to pick things up and choose to pursue this, then okay. if we are clear to say that this wont go anywhere, then okay!  i wanted to tell you because i realised if there was anything to take away from this friendship that we had, is that i found myself learning how to love, but also learning how to be loved. and i thank God for that.  i thank God that you are in my life. i thank God that i got to know you. like know you. not the Jerome that plays sports really well, not the worship leader Jerome, but the Jerome that makes mistakes, i got to know you for you. that is why i liked you.  i thank God that He showed me that i am not just capable of loving someone to this extent, but i am capable of being loved to this extent.  because of someone like you, i can love and be loved in so many different forms.  i think that was why i wanted to tell you. not to place unnecessary burdens, that is never my intention. but to acknowledge the goodness of God in my life, and in ours. to also simply acknowledge my feelings, and to be honest with you and myself about it.  things i’d imagine him asking:  “so how long have you known?”  this is a hard one. honestly, i only acknowledge this recently. but the idea of potentials came up in your 21st birthday. i know its a long time, and i think i seem like a creep ahahaha but i think it took me that long of a time to really discern and dissect what i truly feel. “who else knows about this?”  not many people. probably like 3, and none of them are your friends. our friends. just my uni friend, and tiff. the people that i shared with, have no idea who you are, or have no remote relationship with you. i wanted to protect you, maybe more so me in the process too, bc people know me and you, and i wanted to protect myself from all that. actl half the time they only know that you were the guy that is ‘not bad’ but not like actually liking you.  *ok lets take a pause here* here’s the thing, i dont know if things are going back to normal after i share this. it might, only if he rejects me. perhaps we would have less frequency. that is what is stopping me from wanting to say all these things. the idea of having less frequency would be inevitable. i am not going to deny that. in the name of boundaries, right?  plus our intertwined relationships - how is that going to be impacted? these are things that i feel like i have to risk, but i am also not ready to yet. which is why i am not ready to share. i honestly, havent thought about this.  hahaha yknow now that i have typed all this out, i have no idea how this conversation will end. i have no idea what he will say, how we would go home after this. i would imagine we’d probably head out with him driving us home, so that means he has to drive me home, and the ride could probably feel very awkward hahahahha.  ok the thing i know from all this is that - as of sept 2020 i am not ready to share anything. i also think he is not at an emotional capacity to hear these things. perhaps i am waiting for his covenant to end to feel that i can share this safely with the certainty of being able to date. maybe just a bit. but emotionally, i dont think i want to have this conversation just yet. 

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

I Give Up Q&A

@daeyeonis

igu was great I cried like every chapter ok fam but- why the hot dog lmao

Im assuming this is for the Q&A since there is a question involved. Dood…why did Hot dog dress up as a hot dog for Halloween? Because chanyeol told her to go for funny over sexy. Why did i choose a hot dog costume? Its the second thing i thought of after a crunchy taco. A friend of mine owns a crunchy taco costume but we are mexican so its a familiar funny food item to us, but i was thinking about my international readers who might be more familiar with a Hot Dog, so i went with that. I literally make this stuff up…i just randomly picked something and then once drunk Yixing referred named her by her costume (was it chapter 21?), well the nickname stuck.

Anon Did anything go down between Baekhyun and Sehun on behind the scenes?

The real conflict between the two came from the bet that the EXO members made about Baekhyun and Hot Dog …they placed secret bets on the day the lovely couple would make up and get back together. Sehun had picked the night of the halloween party so he knew he had to pull out all the stops and use every trick he had up his sleeve In order to win. Sehun knew that Baek was the protective, jealous type and he used that to his advantage, getting Hot Dog good and drunk and hanging around her all night, being as flirty as he could be and making sure that Baekhyun saw all of it. When Baekhyun found out that Sehun got Hot Dog drunk on purpose and hung out with her all night within the eyeline of Baekhyun, just so that they would makeup that night and Sehun would win the bet, Baekhyun didn’t speak with Sehun for a whole week. At that point though it was kind of hard for Baek to stay mad when he and Hot Dog had made up and that happiness was so all consuming. Baek forgave Sehun after some expert whining and groveling.

Anon So…. does Junmyeon ever approve of Baek and Hot Dog’s relationship

Junmyeon approved after he met her during the dinner with Chanyeol. He found her to be intelligent and level headed and seeing the efforts she made to fight for their relationship after the breakup really made a good impression on him. He still makes sure to remind everyone of the importance of discretion and avoiding scandals, but he considers her part of the family now.

Anon Do you remember Baekhyun’s small notebook from chapter 19?? “You turned quickly and grabbed the small notebook you had resisted earlier off his nightstand and lifted it up…” Can you tell us now😅

Anon What about the notebook in chapter 19? What’s its secret? epilogue dood

Anon @ hotdog; did u get to read whatever was written on baek’s lil notebook?

the notebook will be in the epilogue.

Anon how many time passed from chapter 1 to chapter 28?

@jhopeismybutthole What amount of time did IGU take place in? Did main character hangout with other exo members after the costume party? Did baekhyun ask main characters dad for his blessing before officially proposing?

Baek and HD met in March of 2016, They celebrated their 100 day anniversary in July. Broke up around 200 days in October and got married just after their 300 day anniversary in January of 2017. :D

Things were a tiny bit awkward for HD and the other EXO members after the costume party. That was the night Baek and HD officially made up and Chanyeol, among other members heard them make up. It took a good couple of days before she could even look Chanyeol in the eye after that, but they all assured her that it was nothing that hadnt happened in the dorms before. Sehun was just happy to have won the bet. Kyungsoo was hoping Hot Dog and Baekhyun would work out because Baekhyun was far less annoying when he was in a relationship than when he was single, and Jongin always made it a point to strike up conversations with her when she was around. Just because they made up didn’t mean it was time for HD to neglect her super affectionate, rather needy boyfriend, and she continued to spend as much time with him during his off time as possible.

Baekhyun didn’t ask her father for permission to marry her. His reasoning was, they were already married, and it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. What’s done was done and he figured they were both about to be in a shit load of trouble anway, they might as well just go all the way.

Anon From where do you get ideas for the upcoming chapters?? I mean what you done with BHXHD in IGU I apparently wanted to know FROM WHERE you get the ideas btw I love you dood

From wheeeeeere? From my brain dood. I tend to pull from the living world around me. I’m always paying attention to things and people, plus i also have a degree in psychology so i have a pretty good understanding of human behavior. I read a lot so i understand how stories are structured and i write the kinds of things that i would enjoy reading myself, so usually these things translate well into my stories. I also listen to lots of music and find inspiration in nearly everything i watch and hear.

One of my most helpful brainstorming methods is talking the plot out with a friend. I have two people that i like to discuss the stories with and usually this helps me think of things, or ideas for things that i hadn’t considered before. :D

Anon Q&A IGU: Did you have the ending planned from the onset?

Nooo, i never know where im going with these stories when i first start them. Ill usually have a general flow of where i want to go, but its so vague that it usually gets modified along the way. Around chapter 15 i said to myself, okay i need some sort of a plan or this thing will be 100 chapters of all smut and nonsense. It felt like it had no real plot. So i had some ideas and some talks with friends about what would be a fun direction to take it. By chapter 26, i had a definite plan for 27 and 28. But i usually dont plan very hard. I let the story write itself.

Anon Did minah get to go home safe?

Minah did get home safely. Unfortunately the two men she had been eyeing all evening went home with each other so she stumbled home alone and rather grumpy. Her disgruntled mood changed to guilt and worry when she found out what happened with Youngshik and Hot Dog and she vowed to kick him hard in the nuts if she saw him again. She never got the chance before the police took him away to be dealt with.

Anon How will their parents react to that marriage omg.. like are they going to repeat a ceremony for their families and friends or (I can imagine Baek doing this) just showing them a picture from their drunk marriage and being like “we got married c:” ?

This will most likely be addressed in the epilogue.

@peter-pan-princess Is 2AM in the same universe as IGU and All His?

yes, IGU, All His and 2AM are all in the same universe. That means the Jongdae who was dressed as Minseok’s lady at the halloween party, is the same Jongdae who is dating Minhee, Minseok’s sister. And the dress he wore actually belonged to Minhee. She also helped with his makeup. The pictures that were leaked of Jongdae were actually an ex he saw briefly before he got together with Minhee.

Did Sehun ever get over his crush on Hot Dog?

sehun is a brat and he never had a real crush, he’s just a flirty guy who likes girls and likes to see what he can get away with. He’s also not to blame for any of it really, but the shorties Baek and Kyungsoo see him as a little bit of a threat because he’s tall and pretty and the girls seem to like him. Hes unintentionally playing against their insecurities.

@mexbaekhyun DO THEY END UP HAVIG KIDS???? I NEED TO KNOW

This will probably be addressed in the epilogue

Anon a weird question but what’s baek & hd’s fave positions in bed bc i feel like i know but i need a confirmation vdhwbdw

This story was so smutty you know what their favorite positions in bed are. But okay okay. Baekhyun really enjoys watching her during sex, so any position that puts her right into his line of sight is a good position. Not that the others are bad positions, he still likes sex in the shower, sex against the wall, sex with her bent over the kitchen table or the arm of the sofa but his favorite, favorite thing in the world is watching himself disappear over and over again as he sits up on his ankles, rolling his hips. She enjoys being on top and he’s always more than willing to give in to her. The memories of her riding on top of him with her head thrown back as she cums are what gets him through some of the lonelier nights when he’s away on tour.

Anon lmao I was thinking how cute baek would be if he got hotdog knocked up but he’s an idol and that would be like reeeeaaaalllyyy inconvenient but still cute tho. They’re goals 👌👌

Unplanned pregnancies are really inconvenient regardless of one’s profession. HD is super careful to always take her pill every day but honestly, anything is possible and Baekhyun and HotDog’s relationship trend seems to all be about the word “Whoops”…if it happens, it would most likely be unplanned and a very real shock for both of them.

I do honestly believe that Baekhyun would be an amazing and very devoted father and the two would tackle the challenge of parenthood together, despite the obvious inconveniences. :D

[jameswrites]

On Trauma and my voice

I lack subtlety online, even as I have tact out the ass. I’ll be as obnoxious and bold as I want, but when it comes to telling someone that I do not like something, suddenly I pull the brakes, put on the special gloves, and make sure I phrase things as kindly as possible--as long as I believe that they will be respectful of my existence as a person.

My mom says something shitty to me? (She can’t anymore, I have let her out of my life, but this is a thought game.) I might say something shitty back, just as boldly as she is “subtle” in her cruelty.

Mom: I think boys would like you better if you grew out your hair. That’s what you want since you’re “gay” right?

Me: You look far better when you’re not talking, but here we are.

These are extremely real things that I, someone who was abused physically, emotionally, and financially (thanks for the lack of monies, even though now my credit ain’t so great!) by her as an adult, have said to and about her and others like her who have lost all good will. I have been that blunt and cold in my cuts to her after years of casually accepting her subtle jabs at my personhood.

But if a friend was like, “Hey, you look really good with long hair! I hope you keep it for a while.”

I’d be like, “Fuck yeah, me too thanks for noticing!

Because, after realizing that compulsory short hair isn’t a facet of masculinity and I don’t have to tolerate that shit, I started to grow out my hair and shave my mustache so I just have a beard and long curly hair.

But if a friend said something like: You’d look bad if you shaved your mustache.

I’d not know what to say. Because that has happened. My kid gloves went on, and suddenly I was swimming, because every bone in my body wants to react as I would with my mom because I FOUGHT FOR YEARS to be able to snap reply when someone is horrible to me, but this is a friend and someone I like and not someone who is abusive, so why does this feel so bad and--BREATHE-- should I say something? Do I bother? Does this make them someone I should put a mental red flag on? Do I just suck it up and let it go?

And sometimes I don’t say anything. It festers, but I put it out of my head as best I can.

And sometimes I do say something. And if they react like, “Oh! I’m so sorry!” then it’s fine.

And if they turn the blame onto me, it’s a definite red flag up, but I can move on, let it be.

And sometimes that just keeps happening, wave after wave of me gently bringing it up until one day it all spills out and I am not gentle anymore. I react like I might with my mom, or worse, if it’s particularly bad.

And then, gosh golly, I’m the bad one, aren’t I? I’m the one who just suddenly went “crazy” even though I have months of documented attempts to peacefully, despite my fears and anxieties, try to solve the issues of being insulted low-key and high-key by a friend. Over and over. I have pages and pages of conversations and hours spent working with my therapist and others on how to best be a good friend to a guy who just needed me to help him understand how he was messing up, exactly when it happened, in exactly the way he could understand it, or else it wasn’t enough.

And when I lost my cool, he used that as justification to become dangerous. To say I triggered him. Into threatening me with violence.

So for the last almost 2 months I have had to stay with him in this house, him moving about at 2am just being a loud noisy fucker because he can, because what can I say about it?

And I have PTSD flaring up all the time, and I try my best to just say well he’s leaving soon. But soon feels like months away, even though recently we found out it was supposed to be today. And then he switched it, made it August 1. 

It’s funny, my rapists, plural, are people I can put in my mental trunk and lock away until I am ready to deal with thoughts about him, but just as I am going to sleep some nights, he starts stomping around upstairs. I hear him all the time, even when he’s not there. My other roommates move about, and sometimes I fear it’s him, at my door, about ready to break in and try to make good on his threat for compliance.

He beat his stairs hard enough and with enough obvious intent (followed by, he did it so he wouldn’t throw things about and beat me, while he stood by the top of the stairs with me there at the top of them and his hands up by my shoulders, as if to toss me, until I called for help and he backed off) and. I lost track of that thought. I lost track of everything.

6 Weeks of this. 6 weeks of college.

College is sincerely the least difficult thing in my life right now and that’s so fucking funny to me. For every research paper that I find bullshit, for every film fucking analysis that I hate, I hate it because I have to be in my room with him above me, able to make noise on the stairs every time he moves about, in a way that my brain constantly IV drips adrenaline into me for, as if he’ll burst through the door and tear through my chest, alien burster style. My heart certainly pumps like it thinks that.

A summary of a conversation with a friend about this man I used to consider like an older brother:

i cant express how much i hate him rn

like, i

i find it hard to breathe a bit when i think about him and i just got reminded by god only knows what

like, my therapist is sincerely like, "James, I think you need to pull back" and im like "when he leaves i will, but rn im on constant all the triggers, every time im home, for weeks on end"

and they were like "that's something you ahve been through before with jen"

and i laughed

and was like "when's the last time you felt i wasn't safe to leave without a bit more time with you? when's the last time i cried the entire session, or at all?"

and they were like "well, i think it'll be healthier if you can hide him away in your mind for a bit" and im like

"yeah, you're right. right now i cannot do that. i cannot trust he's not going to try something, because he has shown himself to be vindictive, cruel, and petty. and dangerous."

and they just, they werent wrong and also i cant just

turn off my flight or fight or freeze

and if i had when it all happened, i might have been at the bottom of the stairs on my back those months ago

when he leaves, itll be better

but hes not gone and im still so so fuckin shook

and i hate him a lot

like

ill peel back that at some point and understand the nuance

But until then, my flight, fright, fight, freeze, it goes on and on and on until I feel like my heart might stop or run away, because I just can’t do either myself right now.

So I take this, this inability to pull back the fear and anguish and adrenaline, and I motivate myself to write it into my fiction, to peel back my Liam main character, to let him be filled with the pain as a literary proxy for me. He’ll suffer at least as much as I do, and far far more.

And he’ll get a happy ending.

This whole story will be about a happy ending.

Everyone will get what they need, even the ones who are so horrible, so scary, because behind them, there’s a person, and if that person can be reached, perhaps there is hope.

But I will not be writing HIM into this. Because while characters like my jackass parents will be in this story, in small amounts, people who so recently have hurt me don’t get their happy ending here, they can move into something else, feel something else, read something else. There is nothing here for them but ashes in the wind, folks.

[nuttmegg]

This is Jeremy, This is also me feeling it. I promised my friends that I wouldn’t hold it in, I wouldn’t pretend i wasn’t hurting and that I would let my heart feel it. So this is me, trying to feel it. The way I do that is through writing. I guess right now is the perfect time too, I’m vulnerable. My friends who know me, know that “feelings” aren’t my strong suit. It’s currently 3am and Im just getting home. I went out for a drink with friends and instead of going straight home I drove to my grandpa’s ranch(he doesn’t own it anymore so technically I was trespassing). I sat on the hood of the car and just watched the stars and I cried my fucking eyes out. Not just for Jeremy but for literally everything that is overwhelming me. But more about that later in another post. 

So I met Jeremy on tinder, Go figure right?! I honestly found him so extremely handsome, and thought I was being catfished so I put off meeting him for probably a whole month, lol. When I did finally decide to meet up with him, it was spur of the moment too. I was about to start my fantasy football draft, but something told me to go. So I told my cousins I was auto-drafting because date was greater then draft, haha. I meet him at the beach and we walked and talked for a good two/three hours, the sun went down on us and he kissed me on the beach. I was a good first date, we had a lot in common, football, sarcasm, etc, He even helped me finish my fantasy draft, and then got mad at my for avoiding him for so long. He told me how he was desperately looking for another person in his league and I would have been a perfect addition. “A cute girl, who can talk shit and knows football, you would’ve been perfect.” So after that football was our thing, we made a couple bets on the season and swore we would hang out once a week to set lineups, watch football or just talk shit on each others teams. And we did, maybe not every week, but we did manage to talk FF lineups and strategy every week.

We hung out a couple times in public but he was always so worried about his ex seeing him that it just complicated. I think I always kept him at a distance because I knew he wasn’t over her, and I didn’t want to be anyones rebound. I already told the story about how he ran around my apartment pretending he was getting ready for a fight, that night I watched Superbad with him, it was the first time I ever watched that movie. He gave me so much shit for it too. After that, any time he wanted to hang out he would text me “super bad and chill?” It was a joke between us, because i would sent it to him on occasion, I pretty sure we both knew what we were to each other. But we’re people with feelings as much as we tried to hide them, every time we would hang out he would stay longer, he would talk more, or when I would get up to leave he’d pull me back to him or tell me to spend the night. I only did once, that night I woke up to him wrapped around me. Mind you, he was 6′3″ and I’m 5′2″ he was literally suffocating me lol. I remember trying to be so quiet about leaving but I woke him up anyway, he told me as i was leaving “Stay with me kid, just once, don’t go to school.”  I think that was the same night he asked me if i loved him. I think that was when I started pulling away from him too. I begin seeing him less and less. That obviously didn’t stop him from bugging me constantly to hang out.(as per the snaps above) 

I got a text or snap from him pretty much every day. Even when I was in Vegas he bugged me. Thats the “you’re in love with me” snap. I remember being super drunk and responding with “you wish,” and he wrote back in a text saying “just you wait kid, you’re gonna fall in love with me.” I didn’t write back to that. I remember why too. I think after Vegas I saw him once, we went out for coffee and he told me how his ex was spreading rumors about him again. He talked to me about how he didn’t know where he wanted to move to but he wanted to leave, he even joked about following me to LA when I leave in December…”I’ll be your roommate kid, It’ll be great” ha. He seemed so lost that time I saw him, lost and heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, when we left I remember his hug hurt. It was one of those vulnerable hugs that last a long time and you can just feel it. That was the last time I kissed him. 

A couple days later The Hipster asked me to be exclusive, oh have i not mentioned that yet? The Hipster and I are exclusive! The last time I saw Jeremy was the day I was suppose to go to the Halsey concert. I didn’t go because I had been studying for exam and was on like 3 hrs of sleep, so I didn’t want to  to drive to Oakland by myself(its a 5-ish-hour drive). I walked with my lab partner to his house to hang out for a bit. I knocked out in his room, while my lab partner and him hung out. I woke up to Jeremy and Prince(his dog) making a bunch of noise. He was so sweet, “you knocked out kid! want dinner?” We ate dinner and I told him about the Hipster. He looked a little sad but sat across the table from me and asked me questions about him. He was teased me a little, tried joking about still “hanging out” even used air quotes too. Then took it back and said, “Nah Kid if you’re happy I wont fuck it up.” That was night I took my friends dog for a run, because he(my friend) was in a study group and Duke(the dog) was being an ass. lol. After my run I asked Jeremy if he could give me a ride home cause I was beat and my friend was still in class. 

He pulled his TC to the back of my apartment complex and when I was about to get out of the car he pulled me back in and hugged me. Again it was one of those hugs that you feel, like your soul hurts. He kissed my cheek and said “stick around kid? I want you to be happy, but we get along. Lets stay friends yeah?” I looked him straight in the eyes(something told to look him straight in the eyes), i didn’t realize then that was the last time i was going to see his green eyes and said “promise, promise.” I meant it too, I would’ve stayed his friend, we had even talked about being gym buddies. 

The next night I slept at the Hipsters and I woke up at like 2am from a text from Jeremy saying “wake up!” I didn’t respond cause I was with The Hipster and it was 2am! Not going to lie I was a little annoyed with him, I honestly thought i was a booty text. The next day in class I wrote back to him telling him that no one is up that late, he told me i should have been. I asked him what was up and he said he couldn’t sleep and just wanted someone to talk to. Then he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike………..I couldn’t I was in class. 

That was the day he…oh fuck I cant even type it….that was the day. He fucking went hiking and slipped off a 60ft cliff, survived the fall only to get swept away by the god damn ocean. They still haven’t found his body. Fuck this I am mess……if this is what feeling it is suppose to be. I don’t want to feel it. I could have been there!! Everyone keeps telling me that I cant blame myself, and I don’t but what if!! Im afraid of heights, i wouldn’t have let him climb up there, I wouldn’t have let him get so close to the edge. I could’ve convinced him to go to a different beach. And people keep throwing the word suicide around still, that he did it on purpose. What if me telling him about The Hipster was the straw that did it. I knew he was lost, I could tell, but I just thought he was lost becasue he was still a little heartbroken. 

And you what kills me even more! The fucking guilt I feel for grieving! Like you have no idea how stupid happy the Hipster makes me! I care about him so much, way more then I ever thought I was going to. I’ve been away from him for 5 days now and it hurts because I just want to be around him! I want to lay next to him, I want to study while he draws. I want to hold him and just breath in the mixture of smells, smoke and coffee. But how?? How am I suppose to grieve over another lover when, for lack of a better word, my boyfriend is laying next to me?? Some one please explain to me how I’m not suppose to feel guilty about that!!!!! Like Jeremy and I were never going to be a thing, The Hipster was always going to be the better man for me, but I still cared about Jeremy. He was right when he said we got along, we did. I just don’t know how to grieve without feeling so guilty. I don’t want to hurt the Hipster with my grief. Jeremy was someone I talked to almost daily, theres a void there now. That void hurts. 

I know its going to hurt for a while, but since Im home Im gonna let it hurt me. Because Night Hawk was right, I don’t want to hold it in and then have it come crashing down on me during finals. The one thing I keep wishing for is, I hope they find him. I have this spiritual connection with the Ocean, and I just cant feel the same way about it when it still has him. Just give him up, his family needs him. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about grieving with The Hipster around, that Jeremy would’ve wanted me to be happy. I know this, he told me himself the last time I saw him. I think the only person who can ease my guilt is The Hipster, and I’m never gonna tell him so I just let time heal that wound too. 

Oh so the pictures, the first one is a cropped picture of him after practice or something. Its one of the first pictures he sent me.  The second one is this one I found on his FB, and I think its perfect, it shows his silly nature. The 3rd is another one he sent me when we first started talking(he sent me a bunch but the rest are not really appropriate so those stay off the interwebs, not gonna lie I’m probably gonna delete them) Its also his contact photo lol. The last one is of course the save msg on snap. The 1st msg is him being hella aggressive becasue I kept turning him down. I have pictures of the rest of the things he sent me, he was actually being funny about it, said he would develop a stutter if i kept avoiding him lol. I already told you the “youre in love with me” story. And the last one had me rolling laughing when he sent that to me!! He had sent me a picture of him totally scene kid from HS right after that. I couldnt help but laugh. Thats the kind of friendship we would’ve had, more nonsense of that sort. 

So This is my story about Jeremy. This is also my way of grieving. 

This was Jeremy