#not that serious of a concern btw im just rambling

[zoppzoop]

mutuals if i decide to draw something possibly unconventional would you disown me....

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

ayup mates, its me (that one fucking guy that shows up in your fever dreams to offer you garlic bread then fucks off into the void) (i think you need to get a therapist btw)

Call me dots or dot (not correct but when saying something belongs to me you use "dot's". idk why don't ask me)

My cara page (for art): https://cara.app/ihavedotsinmybrain

They/them she/her it/its ( welcome to the mad lab we do experiments with the funny goofy hjinks with the genders here)

TAG GUIDE : my art (self explanatory), dot's thoughts (mad ramblings) (extra note, there are two versions of dot's thoughts, the other one is with the phone version of ' so you can go look for that if you wanna see me posting from outside the comfort of my room and computer), dot’s travel journal (me on holiday), my persona (obviously just my persona) *prone to updates

dumbass who likes to draw ocs and shit. (posts like there is no tomorrow but also like i have all the time in the world) (oc x canon stuff also) (some fanart ig)

if you wanna find my (mostly serious) art, check out @dots-in-my-head (send me asks and dms on this blog) also i have started putting fandom stuff there too so if you want to get my fandom doodles you can look to there as well

still questioning sexuality but currently aro/ace? (idk i'm not in a rush lol) (i WILL dabble in the arts of questioning me sexuality on internet if you got problems with that shoo)

my loveley husband (@octoxxt, pls ignore this blog dude its embarrassing)

why do you need to know my age, ‘you a cop?

will not draw smut or NSFW bcs i will start howling with racous laughter and melt. (i don;t even read smut in fic dude what do expect me to be able to draw im a cartoonish obviously anime style inspired semi-realism but not really shitty doodle artist you put your hopes too high if you think i can draw a dick without making it look like a piece of middle school desk graffiti)

i've got a bit of a dirty mouth but everything is pretty vanilla . (i make edgy dumb jokes sometimes, but it's not my actual personality peace 'n love on planet earth okay) (any time i say i wanna kms IT IS A JOKE) (most of my posts are /srs i will mark it if its a joke i know the pain of not knowing if it was a funny joke or not i gotchu other autistic peeps)

please talk to me god i am lonely (i am serious about this i love it when people rb and scream in the tags it genuinely makes my day) (send me asks send measkssendmeaskssendmeasks—)

Absolute art machine(whether the art is good or not is a big question that i am not ready to answer) makes shitty animations sometimes idk.

Uses lol too much. Chinese, knows mandarin (translate the random messages for maximum brain damage) i don't know simplified but i do know traditional (please talk to me i need to practice my chinese reading skills) am i a furry? idk but if you're mad about it you can fuck right off (i have a couple ocs and my darling fursona)

am currently inbetween fandoms, fandoms i am (kind of) active in are hetalia, scp, dnd, genshin, pjo, bg3, apothecary diaries, jrwi riptide and csm (list is prone to updating because fandom is my support system) (you wont see my art for most of them but the brainworms are there and sometimes i let them take over)

old fandoms or the fandoms i lurk in (i visit them often): eddsworld, demon slayer, pokemon, vocaloid and wof. (also prone to updates as i remember stuff)

note : i am still in school and have a life outside the internet so stuff will be delayed (which is why i am only kind of active) (i go missing sometimes i am not dead life is just lifing for me)

Do not say anything about how cringe I am I know trust me (it’s a coping mechanism lol)

if you're concerned, you're very right to be. I am very incoherent (most of my life updates have actually devolved into cries for help, please talk to me)

also if you don't like my art or ships just leave(any critique about anything i make shoots a bazooka straight into my heart and behind the screen i crumble into a cartoonish pile of ashes and bones as i stare at the screen blurred by tears) (unless I ask for critique then i brought this on myself and i’ll walk it off don't worry)

(Both of my personas)

My flags (might be updated)

[what-the-hell-is-going-on-here]

do you have any thoughts/hcs about pred human 8 (or general tummy thoughts about him) because i love him sm 🥺 i feel like he'd be a gentle and slightly teasing pred. keeps tiny 0 in his mouth long enough for 0 to become impatient and start complaining (he thinks it's cute) and then swallows when he least expects it. keeps a hand on his full belly while he's writing something on a notepad

ANON. IM SO SERIOUS THIS ASK HAS MADE MY DAY. OR WEEK. SOMETHING. I GOT SO EXCITED SEEING THIS NOTIF I STARTED ROLLING AROUND IN MY BED LIKE A BALL.

OKAY. OKAY. IM COLLECTING MYSELF.

since i like Many Things im gonna go full ramble on you i hope you do not mind. mostly vore and some stuffing thoughts after that- i’ll say where it changes in bold if you wanna skip it. gonna ramble a little about digestion/reformation too, but that’s going under the cut cause i know some ppl don’t like it. it’s fully painless and not gorey (soft digestion??? is that a term?????) but i put it under the cut anyways :3 basically skip there after it changes if you wanna see just vore things

OKAY LETS ACTUALLY GET INTO THIS. THERE’S A BUNCH HERE SO PREPARE URSELF. (btw i use he/it for 8)

absolutely losing my mind over what you sent, giving you a party hat /pos I CANT THATS SO CUTE. that’s gonna be rattling around in my brain for weeks. 8 WOULD SO DO THAT HEHEHEH it keeps 0 in its mouth for a little too long, maybe softly biting him or pressing its teeth against his body until he starts to squirm and complain- he keeps whining about “oHhHhHh WAAA you’re getting saliva on my clothes that’s gonna take forever to clean- 8 i’m BUSY i don’t have TIME for that-” and before he can keep rambling 8 just swallows his ass 💀💀

he’s totally a caring pred i think (maybe a little smug when he wants to be but he’s mostly nice, he won’t be a dick for no reason unlike SOMEONE cough KLEIN.) and would keep a hand on his tummy while he works like you said. IDK he just doesn't seem like the type of guy to forget about his prey/act like they’re not there. he cares about 0! they’re friends! (im 99% sure its canon they get along LISTEN TO 0’S VOICE LINES AND SEE HOW MANY TIMES HE TALKS ABOUT 8. HE DOESN’T INSULT HIM EITHER. I COULD RANT ABT THAT FOREVER THEY ARE FRIENDS AND I LOVE THAT) he never views 0 as just food- he may wanna eat him for the full feeling or some other “self centered” reason but that doesn’t mean he doesn't care about 0.

i like to think 8 would snatch 0 up if he hadn’t been taking care of himself, too- maybe he won’t take breaks because he needs to finish “one last thing” (it’s been 4 hours) or he’s stressed and won’t admit it to himself- whatever it is 8 decides 0 needs to get off his high horse and actually rest for once. he’d eat 0 no matter how loud he complains, doesn’t care about the rest of the think tank looking at him (he’d be so open about vore its scary. he starts rambling about it out of nowhere and borous gives him the biggest concerned side eye from his station), he’d do it anyway because he CARES. and yeah the fullness helps him focus blah blah blah whatever BUT HE WANTS TO HELP 0 OUT TOO.

some other misc hcs that i can’t make a paragraph out of:

8 would get a little sleepy when he's so full like that sometimes, so it would nap after eating 0 on a weekend or something. just imagine that. it’s so cute i can’t handle this MY 0x8 SHIPPING ASS CANNOOTTT

this is specifically a more shippy thought- 8 kissing a tiny 0 a bunch before eating him. im melting its too cute

8 with foodplay. listen to that again. 8 WITH FOODPLAY. DO YOU SEE THE VISION. 8 eating 0 with some big fancy dessert. 8 eating 0 then knocking back an ice cold nuka, reveling in the shocked squirms he’s getting from 0. DO YOU SEEEEE

8 loves rubs. he absolutely MELTS if it's done right, and i'm sure 0 would learn how to do it as payback for 8's teasing, digging his hands into the folds and hearing 8 gasp/his breath hitch or giggle a little.. just think about it.

this guy is totally a sucker for teasing. he just feels like it sometimes- he’ll lay it on thick and REALLY get into it and say a bunch of stuff at all once. he can’t help but tell 0 how good he tastes, how nice he feels when he squirms or rubs his stomach, how happy it is for 0 agreeing to let it eat him, how they really need to do this more often… im sorry im evil

8 nerding out over vore. he just finds it really interesting sometimes and likes to ask 0 how it feels (to ttooottaally not get a rise out of him and tease him over it, never! why would he do thattttt? ..but sometimes it is unintentional LMAO) so he’d be asking so many random questions. literally in the middle of work- he randomly wonders how loud his heartbeat is when someone’s inside of him or if stomachs really blush when someone is flustered (THEY DO!! SRSLY LOOK THAT UP) and asks 0 like dala isn’t right behind them. he doesnt give a fuck and its so funny

OK NOW. STUFFING THOUGHTS BE UPON YE.

i have kind of put all my writing energy into that above stuff so there’s gonna be less here but LET’S ROLL ANYWAY.

personally i see 8 as the kind of guy to eat a lot and wanna feed other people (cough 0) but i’m gonna focus on the first bit for this.

8 totally has a sweet tooth to me. i can sooo see him chugging a bunch of nukas all at once and sitting with that full, bubbly feeling cause he can’t help himself.

8 snacking a bunch during work, slowly getting more and more full without realizing it. he keeps mindlessly eating chips or something idk what they had pre-war- just something unhealthy, and he starts slowing down until he realizes all of his snacks are gone and Oops! he is way too full to normally behave in a work setting! HAVE HIS TUMMY STICK OUT FROM THE REST OF HIS COAT. MAKE HIS COWORKERS BE ABLE TO TELL HOW STUFFED HE IS. HAVE HIM GET FLUSTERED OVER THAT. IT IS A REQUIREMENT /J

8 stuffing himself silly on a weekend, planning to do nothing but laze around all day, but then klein calls him in to work overtime (for more pay! he’s not that bad) and he has to come in like he DIDNT just eat enough food for 3 people. he tries to lie or say whatever but klein knows how he is at this point- he just tells 8 to get his work done and “be normal about it” 💀💀 (i doubt klein would really care- it’s not his business, really, and he’s seen worse from 8)

his stomach gets LOUD after he eats a bunch. honestly, the same goes for vore, but it’s especially bad after stuffing himself. but it’s not like 8 can complain at all. i think he’d like it, actually! he’s fine with laying down after a big meal, full and sated and hearing his body work through everything that he ate- UhghfhGHh im gay, apologies

i feel like he’d have an average appetite. he can’t eat a crazy amount of food but that’s okay, he just likes being able to indulge freely :> his eyes are totally bigger than his stomach tho. he sees a bunch of food and thinks it'll be easy but he starts slowing down way quicker than expected and gets himself into trouble that way. SOMEONE GIVE HIM RUBS ASAP

LET SOMEONE FEED THIS MAN. PLEASE. i hc that 8 actually got 0 into stuffing (long story but ill ramble if anyone ever asks me to) but he’s usually the one feeding 0, so flipping the script and having 0 feed 8 is SUCH a nice thing to brainrot over. LET 0 BE A TEASING BITCH TOO!!! LET 8 GET REALLY FLUSTERED!!!! they deserve it (plus this concept in more of a domestic/soft way rather than a teasing way is also peak. 0 SHOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT 8 RAAAHHHHHH)

okay i think that’s all ive got rn. BELOW THE CUT IS REFORMATION/DIGESTION STUFF SO IF THAT’S UR JAM GO SEE :3 I PROMISE IT'S GOOOODDDD :3 :3

welcome to reformation time. IDK IVE BEEN HAVING THE BIGGEST BRAINROT ABT REFORMATION RECENTLY, ESPECIALLY WITH 8, so if you like this kinda stuff you’re in for a treat (i hope)

i view 8 as a little bit of a gremlin sometimes. he’s definitely soft when he wants to be, but i get the vibes that he’s also a little evil (in the silly way). this ties into him being a little teasing bitch- i can’t get over the idea of 8 eating 0 with the intent to digest him, instead of safe-keeping. SIDENOTE: i imagine that digestion would be sort of like a full reset for the prey- if they’re in pain or really tired or stressed out, with that kind of lingering stress that never seems to go away, afterwards they reform and come back totally fine again! so maybe 8 can tell 0’s been stressed for a while, or, again, he won’t accept the fact that he needs to take a break and some time for himself, or 8 just wants a full stomach while he works and he’s too lazy to get lunch LOL, so he decides to actually go the full mile and digest 0. (with 0 already knowing what reformation is/he knows he wont die. because i dont have the time to write all that out and i would never wanna actually hurt my guy)

maybe he flat out tells 0 what he’s planning, or 0 can put the pieces together by the look on 8’s face and how loud his stomach’s being- either way 0 knows what’s gonna happen to him. he starts fighting back a little, not enough to hurt but enough to show he’s a little annoyed, but 8 doesn’t care. he just smiles and swallows him down anyways, savoring the taste on his tongue.

[another sidenote that’ll be relevant with the next bit: i imagine, for the prey, reformation is really chill- they aren’t fully aware of what’s going on, nothing hurts, they just get more and more sleepy until they fully fall asleep, and they feel sort of tingly or they get that kind of floaty feeling- so basically they’re having a good time too dw. 0’s chill he’s just a whiner.]

i really like the idea of 8 giving in and being more self indulgent with reformation- he really savors the full feeling and how 0 tastes and how he squirms and the blissful weight in his stomach- i have such a soft spot for it and i have no idea why. JUST- LET THAT MAN BE A SMUG BITCH! LET IT PRIDE ITSELF ON THE FEELING! LET IT TEASE 0 THE WHOLE TIME- COMMENT ON HOW HIS SQUIRMS ARE GETTING WEAKER AS IF IT’S ANALYZING HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND TAKING NOTES, TALK ABOUT HOW FULL IT ALREADY FEELS, ASK HOW LONG 0 CAN STAY AWAKE AND IF HE CAN STILL PROCESS WHAT IT’S SAYING WHILE IT RUBS ITS STOMACH GENTLY- EUGIFIGJIGGKGJ IM ILL. but with some good post-digestion stuff too!! after 0 pops back in, 8 makes sure he’s alright, checking in and making sure he did end up enjoying himself (0 did- he admits he did need the break, and he feels pretty energized after all of it! it’s like he took a nice powernap), maybe with some softer teasing with 8 not-so subtly asking if they can do it again, you know the drill.

OK I DUNNO HOW TO END THIS OFF LMAO. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK. THIS GOT A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED BUT I HOPE YOU (AND THE ONE OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO LIKES O//W//B VORE/STUFFING) ENJOY ALL OF IT LOL

[lunarfortune]

okay im just gonna type some shit for the moment or whatever but elise mf origin post because it's super funny to me

long rambly post with a bunch of card game images

anyway way back in like 2020 and early 2021 Legends of Runeterra had its Lab of Legends mode. Similar to Path of Champions but like, way more basic since it was the earlier version. You pick a champ and fight through a series of 9? stages or so, theyre all the same each time, with the bosses being Thresh, Sejuani (FUCK Scargrounds stage) and Viktor (and FUCK Guard Bots stage too). Each first clear with a champ would grant you a unique player icon for them, but I wasn't super concerned with collecting them all, I really just wanted Miss Fortune. The problem was that her starting deck is kind of Not Great and it's especially easy to get reamed by bad rng and her ability is straight up a hindrance against Scargrounds. I was having so much trouble with MF runs it was unreal. My friend cleared it relatively quickly, but I could not for the life of me get a good run going. I struggled with it on and off for WEEKS. I was just resigned to never clearing it.

So one fateful day in February of 2021 I am going through yet another MF lab run and get offered a choice between Zoe, Elise and Jinx as my deck's support champs. Fuck it, I'm thinking, just take Elise for laughs, who gives a shit anymore.

While I'm playing I'm shitposting on discord with a friend and making jokes about the whole thing, and we all know what happens when you make jokes. Didn't win that run but within a day it did get the gears in ye olde brain turning.

(i've now had this sitting in drafts for a month btw LOL i forgor)

The next month I'm starting up yet another run, and at this point I'm so demoralized by my bad luck with this I'm just like, yeah okay whatever Elise again, I'm just gonna lose at Scargrounds again like always

So I'm just going through the motions with this run and being more excited about the loot I'm getting of the Empires of the Ascended event. Somehow got quite lucky through Scars and Sejuani because the ai wasn't pulling followers to play.

Like I really cannot stress how lackluster the rng through this run was, I was genuinely surprised I got through Sejuani lmao

I guess purely to spite me, this run makes it past Foundry and Guard Bots and gets to Viktor. It's.... dicey. Elise's spiders give me more fodder to keep the nexus safe but between Elise's support cards and Sarah's starting deck, I don't really have any big hitters if Viktor starts to beef up, and I was never able to pick up anything from round rewards.

The Ruination I picked up comes in an early draw and comes in handy, clearing the board. I'm in the damn trenches clutching my spiders and fighting for my life. Another Viktor comes out, I draw a second Ruination and pop it. Viktor plays a Nyandroid.

He doesn't seem to have anything else to play. With both Sarah and Elise leading the charge, I attack.

Finally, finally, after so many attempts, I was FREE. Love fucking wins. Sarah's Love Tap took out the 5/1 bot that would have killed Elise during the Guard Bots stage. These champs speedran enemies to lovers through a month of me suffering through to get my first clear. I was utterly bewildered.

So anyway thats the story of how Elise/Miss Fortune was kind of a joke and then not a joke and I have given very serious consideration as to how they could encounter one another and how that would go.

Elise Does make trips to Bilgewater btw, thanks Ruined King!

[nulltune]

lynnnn will u tell us how u first got attached to hakuno and what u like the most about her <3 i want to hear it since i respect urs and ur appreciations for her sm

UBUBUBUBU THANK U FOR THIS ASK TSUN!!!! I LOVE TALKING ABT HAKUNO AT ANY CHANCE EVER (U KNOW DIS.. IM SURE!!!) SO TY FOR ENABLING ME HEHE ❤️ ofc i will tell u!!!! u could ask me for my credit card numbers and i'd give it 2 u.... 🥺 VDKCHS /J!!! BUT OKOK RAMBLE TIME 4 ME--

not to be dramatic but i remember the first time i saw hakuno so well..... i was scrolling thru instagram when i saw this fanart of sir gilbert gamesh with her (too lazy to search it up rn but it was him whispering sth to her and her laughing!) and no joke, my first thought was who is this mysmes mc looking girl- I WANT TO PUNCH MY PAST SELF SO HARD FOR THINKING THAT BTW. i had vvv limited of fate at the time and only watched the fate/zero anime but i knew gilgamesh is a hard person to get along with (putting it lightly) so i got intrigued at that point. i literally just looked thru her wiki tho ngl. it was when i read a transcript(?) of the fate/extra here and that's when i fell in so deep!!! literally read it all in one go aND BOYYYYY THE FRIKKIN ENDING MAN, THE ENDING!!!!! WHY DONT PPL TALK ABT IT MORE IT LEFT SUCH AN IMPRESSION ON MEEE I WAS IN SHAMBLES 😭😭 i wasn't even playing on getting into ccc but i was in Desperate Need of more hakuno content so.. i read it all the next day. and i loved it!! idk if i was full on Hakuno Luvr at that moment tho, but i liked her a lot 🥺 started actively looking for fanart and even read some fanfic of her too VSJFBSJFJJ (i proceed 2 realize that this is a hella long ramble that does not answer ur q) HMM I DON'T THINK THERE WAS A SPECIFIC MOMENT THAT WAS MY HAKUNO SIMP REALIZATION THO... i fell in love over time <3

but i will say, writing her def gave me a newfound appreciation for her!! i feel like i've 100% gotten a better understanding of her from writing her (tho that's also bc i do be writing her hc-based... ehe☆) and i feel like you could relate to this too tsunniepoo, which is how- you really come to appreciate them for what they Can be too, not just how they were in canon (US WITH YQ HAKUNO BOND TOO BTW 🥺🥺). rping her contributes to that too!!

WHAT I LIKE MOST ABT HER THO..... THATS A HELLA TOUGH QUESTION TSUN!!!! SGFJDHDH IT'D BE FASTER TO ASK ME WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABT HER NGL! skelly asked me this once too (before my thanos snap clean up 😳) and UUUUU THIS IS STILL SUCH A TOUGH Q!!!! i love her as a character so much..... she's so complex and unique, her character development is top notch and the way the cast and the story all play a role in it is just so -CHEF KISS- she is not a static character!!! so much development too, it makes me sad how extella pretty much forgets all of it 😭 but i'm gettin a lil sidetracked here!! i love her as a person toooo i love her personality!! she's so entertaining to follow, i love seeing how she responds to the situations she finds herself and i love!!! Her!!!! BUT IF FORCED 2 ANSWER...... i think my answer would be....

her heart 🥺 which you can really see in my portrayal, i hope!! her interactions with julius is one of my fav things in fate extra Ever, especially when the arena was all messed up and it was pretty much fuuuull of julius's hatred for hakuno but hakuno still kept going on and even tried to understand julius in spite of that!! i love how hakuno literally lost consciousness (even her servant got super worried!! it was That serious!!) just by being there but when she regains her consciousness, all she could focus on was julius's memory she'd just seen and how he seemed to be suffering. and then how the whole time she was just concerned abt julius.... says so much abt her character imo and i love it lots!!! really like how hakuno has been shown time and time again to knowingly risk herself for someone else's benefit and how a huuge thing in extra is always hakuno discovering those very compassionate and human values even when she starts out all hollow and empty :,)

the way she treats others and the morals and values she learns hits soo deep to me and personally really makes me feel some kinda way.. (a good way!) something something she was in a cruel and vicious environment and found out that her entire existence doesn't matter but still has a heart that's big enough to think of others and choose to hold onto kindness to the very end..... 😭😭❤️ veeery interesting too, because it's almost like a parallel to twice, who hakuno could've very much become if she didn't have a heart like hers! (that's a whole nother topic thooo <3) i feel like this trait of hers is soooo important, i really wish ppl noticed it more, it really sucks to not really see much (if not any) of it in extella </3 it's what makes her bonds and connections so realistic and unique imo, and that's my fav thing abt fate extra ;_; it's vvvv natural and not plot-contrived at all, really feels like two individuals developing a genuine bond. ofc it's not Just this character trait that makes me love hakuno...... there is sm to love abt her!!! there are many many little things that make hakuno hakuno that make me luvs her ❤️

[aresrl]

I hihi I am!!! A little nervous w/ doing this bc I've never done this b4 so please bear🐻 w// me💦 May I request a match up? A vision, a romantic partner and maybe a friend and/or enemy? If that's too much feel free to just assign me a vision + partner, ehe/// Preferably male for a romantic match-up, but either gender is fine with a friend and enemy match-up^^ I tried to be as detailed as possible but I think I ended up just ranting, so im v v sorry if it's long! I sort of fluctuate when it comes to being an introvert/extroverted. W// strangers and irl, I'm very introverted and shy!! Rarely speak and if I do it's just the usual "Hi how are you? That's good. I'm good too, thank you for asking:)" yeayea I'm not too. Keen on social interaction irl. But I always do my best to be very nice!! I never wanna come off as mean bc wow what a bad first impression that would be. But with friends / ppl ik online?? Whew I am very very friendly n chatty ^^ Either very high energy or very chill, there's rarely any inbetween. Sometimes I like to jokingly tease my friends but I'd never go too far / make them uncomfortable!! And if I do I always apologize right away!! I like to say that I'm affectionate?? My strongest love language is def physical affection, if not quality time. Idk man there's just something about vibing with someone or hugging them that just aaaaa/// Although I usually display affection w// words of affection bc. Literally most of my friends are online friends so I can't actually hug them, sad times. Idk if this is needed/important info but I just remembered: I'm 5'6 around??? Need glasses bc. Whew i am blind (near sighted), I'm poc (specifically black) anndd, hm. Actually I think thats it for this section, aha. As you can see I'm, not really all that organized. Also I don't have the best attention span - while writing this I'm circling between 4 different apps - and I'm a bit of a mess. And also a little stupid. Just a smidge dumb. But I have my moments - I solved like. 2 puzzles in Inazuma by myself so I think that counts for something. I also find that I tend to talk a whole lot when I have an idea or smthn to say abt a thing I'm super interested in!! That's info-dumping. I info dump. Yes. I also really like to listen to other people talk abt things they like!!!! Its so nice :) I'm protective over people I care about!! I've never done it but 100% would bark at someone who messed with someone close to be. Arf arf yaknow. I tend to he impulsive. I'll do something, and be all "YEAH>:D" and then regret it later. And then I'll do it all over again in a fun little cycle :) I consider myself an optimist, but quickly turn into a pessimist whenever it concerns myself. Fun funfun. Should probably mention that I am. A very insecure person w/ dangerously low self esteem, which is super fun esp when you mix that with the fact that I'm rarely ever motivated to improve. Yayayay Also sort of a pushover?? Like most often than not I'll be convinced to do something, even if I'm not too keen on doing it. Also afraid of confrontation when it comes to my friends and strangers (that is, if it's concerning me!! I'll order smthn for my friend but if I need to order for myself?? uhh stutter time aha). I'm also a mega simp ahah! Srsly though if I fall for someone/get infatuated with someone I. Will be so obvious abt it even though I try very hard not to be. Would gush over that person probably. I don't really like mean people tbh. Like yes I'll be nice and civil with them but!!! I cannot stand!!! Rude people!!! Esp when they're mean for no reason like sir??? maam??? homie??? chill pls ty<3 People who aren't necessarily mean, but moreso have bastard energy and are just really "hehe>:D" but playfully are p poggers tho!!! I think I get along with kids!! I have a little sister,, around like. Nine? And we get along really well!! I also try and match a kid's energy whenever I'm tasked with looking after them. I take pride in the fact that kids like me >:].... even if they sometimes scare me-- Ok, interest time!!

I like art!! Quite a bit!! Less of a realistic artist and more of a cartoonist!! Idk there's just something fun abt drawing cartoons, hehe. I also like self ships - I have quite a bit of them, actually ! Idk its comforting drawings your fictional crushes loving you idkidk. I like writing too! Both original stories, and one-shots or personal fics that are associated with already created media!! Writing character backstories and personalities and stuff is also fun too! I've even made my own fictional world with a full fledged backstory n everything! It's very fun to think about. I'm a day dreamer!!! Yea remember when I said I write stories? I day dream abt potential stories even more. Mmm daydream world so nice so warm so fun I read aswell!! Mostly fantasy books, or stories where animals are the protagonists. Think Warrior Cats. But my favorite book series has got to be Guardians of Ga'Hoole. Fantasy owl books, anyway! X Readers are also things I enjoy reading :) Again, s I m p Also gaming!!! Is something fun I do sometimes!!! Although it's usually Genshin Impact, or Wii Sports/Resort w// my little sister. Oh, also pokemon! I rlly like Primarina, Vaporeon, Sylveon and Vulpix/Ninetails! I absolutely adore sweet foods, and baking is smthn I'm def interested in! Don't like foods w// weird textures though, like beans or mashed potatoes. Also I. Love spice so much. Mmm love it when my mouth burns so bad. Don't have a favorite animal but I've had three cats in my lifetime (btw not important but my current cat is named Sylvester and. He's my baby boy) so I am. A very big cat fan. Probably not needed but I really like sword and claymore characters. Literally all of the characters I main are either sword or claymore users. Although I did get Diona, so I miiight start forcing myself to learn how to aimmm. I see that I tend to like people/characters that are a little more extroverted than me. Upbeat, happy type beat!!! Nice sunshine babies, :) I think thats it! I hope this was good enough? Again, first time doing this (at 2am nonetheless) so forgive me if I got too rambly or did anything wrong ^^ Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! And I hope your day is good / you had a good day, depending on when you read this, ehe!

Hey! Sorry if the wait has been long! I also love Warrior Cats (I promise myself, one day I'll finish it.)

You received... A Pyro vision! Optimistic, enthusiastic, impulsive, reckless, and a lot of energy are the general characteristics held by the Pyro vision. • I hesitated between the Pyro and Hydro vision, but your energy distinguishes you from the Hydro vision. • You said you were impulsive, always doing something you might regret later but still doing it. • You react quickly: as you said, if somebody hurt someone you love, you won't think twice before barking. Your partner would be... Xingqiu! “This feeling was unexpected.” • At first, you were just friends, and Xingqiu really loved to tease you. Actually, you both teased each other. But eventually, a feeling of love towards you grew into Xingqiu. And that was reciprocated. • Your relationship is filled with teases, jokes, and good/funny moments where you mostly share what you commonly appreciate. • He also knows when to get serious: for example, he does everything to support you during your moments of struggle concerning your self-esteem. Your friend would be... Childe! “Luckily, I'm here!” • You two also share funny moments, especially during situations where your “stupidity” is overtaken by his insight. • Sometimes, he finds you cute. • He likes the fact that you get along well with kids. It leads you to great moments with him and his siblings. • You're quite the opposite in terms of self-esteem. I think it's a good thing because it makes you complementary. Your enemy would be... Albedo! A misunderstanding. • You wouldn't hate each other, but I think Albedo wouldn't like the way you use your energy, and when you're more in a chill mood (meaning you're more available for him to talk), he could get pissed at how much times he'd have to repeat himself for you to understand something. • He's very patient, but he understood quickly that his interests would maybe not be within your reach. • You would just be too different. Worth to mention • You and Venti are like drama queens in Mondstadt. You are good friends. But you both know that you can't be more, as it would eventually both drag you down (because of similar problems). • Klee is also your best friend: both of you share decisions that you definitely will regret later. Or maybe not. • Hu tao and you are kinds of silently competing over who's the best tease, and she beats you. My goal is definitely not achieved. I hope I can catch up tomorrow. And don't worry, it was surprisingly good for a first description!

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[harrywritingsbyme]

hiii im in dire need of help queenie🥰 okay so i’m 17 abt to turn 18 in like 6 months and i feel super self conscious about like my body and i just know somethings off, oh and i’m a virgin btw, and my periods are VERY irregular, well not like extremely but like that bitch literally comes and goes when she wants to and it’s always been like that but i just know that’s not the way it’s supposed to be, it just seems weird to me. i want to go to like a gynecologist and see what’s up BUT here’s the thing...i don’t have a fucking license (it’s a very long story that i don’t even wanna get into bc it was truly a series of unfortunate events✋) which means i’ll have to get someone to drive me and i don’t wanna ask my mom bc i dont want her to start asking me questions, i don’t wanna ask my sister bc....idk she’ll probably blow it out of proportion and i don’t have a friend that i really trust (not that i don’t trust them i just feel so weirded out by the situation) so that brings me to my next option- do i just wait til i’m 18 so i’ll have a license and in the mean time try to figure this shit out by myself IDK. idk if i’m blowing this out of proportion or not. it’s been stressing me for like years but it’s getting very intense now bc i’m like woah✋i’m tryna have seggs but i don’t want shit to not be right with my 🐱before i start using her u know?? SO BASICALLY my question is what do i do queen ??🥺🥰 i’m so sorry if this makes no sense from my rambling btw🥺

well irregular periods are very common, my periods have been irregular for a period of time before it all straightened itself out so don’t worry, it’ll get straightened out. and as far as the gynecologist goes, it’s nice to have someone there with you. and i’d suggest taking your sister along. just let her know that it’s nothing extremely serious, you just want to see whats going on and everything. and hopefully she doesn’t overreact. but it’ll be fine and i suggest that if you can go, you should go and just express your concerns and get the answers you need🥰❤️

[fanseries-trashcan]

what are some of your fave Precure fanseries?? It can be from anywhere, tumblr, wattpad, etc.

You enabled me……….. to ramble……………………………………………………..these are in no particular order because they keep changing but here are some of my absolute faves that I fully reccomend! links are included! >wO ————- Mythical Pretty Cure! by Nexus_Schwarz! I mean since a lot of my blog’s content is stuff for this series… it’s probably no suprise that it’s one of my favorites hehehe. It has some awesome ideas and themes, mixing knights with mythical creatures, and a cool story hidden underneath! It hasn’t been updated in a while but fear not! The author is trying to touch it up with some (relatively small) revisions and plans to continue writing soon!

favorite character is Jasmine/Cure Garuda … she’s my daughter……. a literal birb brain————-Immortal Friendship Pretty Cure by twistedtexas (or Mattie) is without a doubt one of my faves! The cast is incredibly likable, and their simple but strong friendship together is just so pure! I love that all the Cures name themselves after what they want to be! Although… it lures you in with cuteness, but the latest few chapters made me a sad crying egg. Cure Honest is best girl. She’s beautiful, and I want her to get all the hugs ;v;; ————- Mystic Tale Pretty Cure by Snow__Drop has such a strong start so far! The author’s writing breathes life into every character and scene, and it takes the characters’ issues and development very serious, which is incredibly interesting to see! I love the idea of the Older Cures, and how they basically reside inside the newer Cures. It’s such an interesting concept, and it’s used to its fullest potentional so far!Btw!!! Piripiri is best!!!! O 3 O!!!————- Interstellar! Pretty Cure by Isurani (though it’s also sorta a collab in a way with multiple other people) is also one of my faves! The story throws you in for a loop constantly, but it still manages to make me care about basically all the characters. They all seem so full of life and emotions. The story can be a bit dark, but, to me, it never reaches that “EDGY GRIMDARK” level. Everything works, and helps the characters grow and become stronger!Best character is Sollari~ They baby!! I’d die for them.  ————- Friendly Pretty Cure by SingMeloetta is definitely worth checking out. The characters are all very likable and fun and the author’s growth through the chapters is fantastic! And it makes the while story shine even more for me. It’s not just seeing the characters’ story, but the author’s as well. The story starts out relatively simple, but becomes more and more interesting with each chapter.Shion/Cure Laugh is best girl… even if she doesn’t think so…  ————- Fairytale Pretty Cure by SAYKokoro is amazing!! It captures the feeling of Precure very well and the story takes some very wild turns, especially a certain twist (sorta) concerning the lead cure, Imari, and a thing about the main mascot Bukku. I love the idea of the fairytale puppets they use to attack as well! Very creative use of the theme!Best character is Thames! I want him to be happy ;v; ————- Delicious! Toyland Pretty Cure by HikariIno is a very fun read! I would say this series is very sweet (pun only partly intended), and there’s a lot of fun stuff to like. The theme of being considered odd or weird and feeling like you don’t belong is very nice!! I love that that’s the thing that brings the Cures together. The story is not really super deep or super intense, but it doesn’t have to be! It’s great at what it does and is very pleasant to read. It’s clear the author has fun with it too!Amakusa is top tier. He’s absolutely hilarious!  ————- So sorry for a w h o l e ESSAY but that’s basically what happens when im allowed to talk about fanseries >wfeel free to add onto this with your favorite fanseries, people! I’d love to know!

[identitycris1s]

this is new

hi hi hi ok just dropping by with another update about life in general. had midterms last week, they were ok, i got an 89 for quant which was 1 mark away from an A but it couldve gone a lot worse so im ok with it as a whole i think. Havent gotten the labour paper back yet but i think thatll be fine too, it wasnt too hard. Been taking this week kind of slow, i think im just getting a bit lazy with school work (things are slightly less crazy cos theres no case study for econ anymore :)) yay) but will probably need to ramp up soon eeep. 

anyway the real update is re: my love life LOL.........been seeing Z quite regularly, at least once a week. i think i like him ... im still trying to figure out if the main reason i like him is cos he seems to like me so much (which feels rly nice btw) but i do think there are several other qualities that i like about him (although its hard for me to disentangle these qualities from the fact that he demonstrably likes me so idk if im seeing him in a particularly good light cos of these qualities or cos of these qualities + he is so nice to me cos he likes me. that was an incoherent ramble! classic)

anyway i think ill add to the pros / cons list cos it just seems to be an efficient way of sorting qualities / flaws:

pros:

- he is very sweet and thoughtful, surprised me with a late night coffee delivery the weekend before midterms 

- he has expressed several times that he likes me and cares for me which tbh makes my heart flutter LOLOL EW.... (why am i so grossed out yet simultaneously touched)

- he remembers little things about me and my life and what im doing

- he is generally fun to be around and easygoing 

- he is knowledgable about things that im not knowledgable about e.g. the world of data science and economics and research and rock climbing

- he is ok with admitting when hes not 100% right :) which is so important!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!!!!

- we went rock climbing and it was nice to see him doing smth he enjoyed and be in his element. also he seemed weirdly more physically attractive than before, maybe cos he looked strong LOL yucks

- not rly a pro but he just got a job (which is apparently v well remunerated) which means hes not gonna be a bum (this was a back of mind concern for me)

cons:

- he has less than stellar grammar which even as im saying it im aware is an unfair criticism (esp given that this post is riddled with grammatical sins e.g. 0 apostrophes...but ive alr explained that this is a different problem from bad english cos its on purpose and done in full awareness and in the context of a casual internet medium). anyway he used the word ‘practise’ / ‘advise’ as a noun and he has had a few grammatical slip ups in texts which im not 100% convinced were typos. im considering correcting the ‘ise’ mistakes cos they rly do bug me....anyway this is me being a nitpicky betch haha so lets move on

- he takes so long to reply texts...i mean never more than a day goes by without a text from him but still. again this isnt a fair criticism cos i do the same lol so i guess this isnt rly a con.

- he isnt rly that funny lol he has a weird sense of humour. he recounted some lame joke he did that was GOT related and i was like huh....thats not funny...but anyway. not everyone can be funny haha

- he doesnt seem to read the same kind of things as i do - he seems to be more interested in CEO autobiographies / biographies... which is fine actually, i guess diversity is good. just that we have less common ground. same applies for music taste haha

ok anyway i realised i never updated about the talk we had after brine a couple of weeks back (i think a mere week after my last post). he said he liked me and was serious about this relationship....and i said idk how i feel lolol. i was like ‘it’s only been a month!’ and he was like ‘it’s been 2 months including when we first started texting!’ which is true but...how do you know if you like someone after a mere 2 months of texting them........

anyway its been what, 3 ish months now? i think i probably have a better idea now and would be open to having a talk about where this is going if he initiates it sooooooon also btw he hasnt tried to hold my hand or anything yet. which i guess is out of respeck but also i wouldnt mind if he did. lol. i guess i think it would give me a better feel of whether theres a ~~~~spark~~~~ and if i instinctively recoil then it means there isnt...?? gah idk. will update again soon :)