#not to be a stereotypical Capricorn but Jesus fuck

[the-swamprat]

I think it’s very Saturnian of me for one book I’m reading to be called The Utopia of Rules and the other titled, The Order of Time.

[starsmaligned]

WANTED PLOTS stars (click to see muses)

zeki / capricorn

zeki works many jobs. some days he works as a barista during the morning rush, some evenings he works as a busboy, then some nights he works late at the clubs, cleaning up and delivering drinks around the club. but one familiar face keeps popping up at very job, and zeki begins to wonder if he's actually being stalked, or if it's all just a coincidence

shushu, a stereotypical fluffy white dog, has become infatuated with zeki's next door neighbour. zeki isn't the happiest about the situation, but has started sitting outside after dinner so shushu can enjoy the company of his neighbour through the balcony bars, and slowly but surely zeki comes to find a friend in his neighbour ( can stay platonic but can be turned romantic if the chemistry and want is there )

more tba

enoch / aquarius

enoch is a bit lazy - or rather, his head is always in the clouds. his neighbour has started making extras for dinner, making sure enoch eats meals ( and also avoids any more fire alarms being set off, which is a burden to all neighbours ). in return, enoch helps buys groceries and does the dishes - which is a nice little deal for both of them, and the aquarius enjoys the routine dinner plans they have

more tba

llyr / pisces

llyr is a known wanderer. your muse often finds him in the same park every morning, even begins to bring him an extra meal, thinking he is a homeless lad. but llyr begins to bring back the containers with meals in it, thinking they were just friends exchanging food. a conversation is needed to explain the situation, llyr thinks

a lost boy. he wandered a little too far this time, and he's found himself in a completely unknown area, perhaps even a dangerous area. normally he would just sit and wait for his brothers to find him, but there was no where safe to wait. your muse, seeing him in trouble, takes him in for a few days, making friends with this strange, water obsessed male who's eyes seem to glitter with wonder ( and stars )

more tba

kristofel / aries

tba but seriously he needs a friend to take the stick out of his ass he's so fucking uptight jesus christ

thelonious / theo / taurus

theo is too stubborn and wants everything to be perfect, which often means he works himself to the ground out of stress, and drives himself to artist block. while out and about, he spots your muse, and instantly knows he needs them around, whether as a model or not, because they bring an insane amount of inspiration to his life, helping him out of his creative block ( can turn romantic if the chemistry and want is there )

some nights, theo goes out to avoid cy, his brother and roommate. he's not the biggest clubber, but he goes out and sees a stranger wearing some of the clothing he designs. he goes up to speak to them, to ask what they thought about it, while trying not to let up that he's the designer ( and perhaps he's failing at it ). eventually he ends up using that person to send samples of new products to, to see how someone outside of the designing world views or likes his clothing and whether it'll be well received or not

more tba

yves / one half of gemini

yves is a psych major, and kind of hung up on a past relationship. he can psychoanalyse himself all he wants, he knows its irrational, but he is still hung up on them. to get rid of memories of them he rents out their old room, but didn't expect his new roommate to take up the space left in his heart

he doesn't even belong to any clubs, so why is he here? he had to take the spot of a mutual friend to help at a club booth during orientation week, and while he would usually hate this kind of thing, the person he is helping run the booth gets along extremely well with him, and perhaps he would join the club too, just to spend more time with them

(plot including cy) the universe is sick of the bickering between the two, deciding to give them a sitter of sorts, someone who has to live with the two of them and play referee, to try and get them to sort out their differences

more tba

cy / second half of gemini

classic good vs neutral evil. cy is not interested in much in life, but your muse always seems to be around when something cy touches mysteriously goes missing. cy tends to think of it like a game, and one time after they sit and have a more serious talk, cy opens up a little more, and perhaps thinks of your muse as more of a friend than originally thought

cy is responsible for a lot of bad things happening to innocent people. at least, he was in the past. and sometimes that catches up to him, especially at night. he spends most nights sleepless, wandering the streets and just thinking, sometimes running from his thoughts. he somehow runs into your muse on a regular basis ( whether they be a worker at an all hours convenience store, or just another night dweller ) and slowly reveals his past - he doesn't know why he's comfortable enough to spill the beans, but without realising he has become comfortable enough to tell his almost entire life story to a stranger he barely knew

(plot including yves) the universe is sick of the bickering between the two, deciding to give them a sitter of sorts, someone who has to live with the two of them and play referee, to try and get them to sort out their differences

more tba

sauveur / cancer

being a doctor, he sees a lot of patients come through those doors at the hospital. but he sees your muse pretty often, usually for some clumsy reason. it creates a sort of bond, and always puts a smile on his face whenever he sees them. but one day they come in a little worse for wear, and he is forced to use his powers more than he normally would to heal them, not willing to give up their life just yet, a rare selfish moment for the cancer

with all of his brothers moving out of home, it had begun to feel a little bit empty in his house - even though he has shimkoong, it's not the same! one day he finds your muse needing a place to stay ( whether they be homeless, needing to be closer to uni, needing to move out due to a bad situation, etc ) and he's more than willing to let your muse move in, happy to have another mouth to feed and someone to talk to - roommate bonding ensues ( can turn romantic if the chemistry and want is there )

shimkoong and your pet have a close bond, one that sauveur indulges in because he likes seeing his princess happy - and its nice for him to make a friend outside the brothers and work

more tba

othniel / leo

othniel had been a protector, ever since his first life on earth. he sees your muse being attacked, whether by bullies, thugs or anything of the like and steps in, protecting your muse and fighting on their behalf. it becomes a somewhat silent bond from that point, othniel always looking out for your muse and keeping them safe - until one day your muse finally strikes up a conversation with them, and the friendship can begin from there

the leo is scarred in many places from previous fights, but it doesn't stop him from adding new ones from new fights. othniel always comes and finds your muse after a scuffle, coming to be patched up and looked after - it makes him feel a little more special, always having someone to care for his bruises and cuts and scrapes after protecting someone. he wouldn't admit it, but he likes the gentle way your muse touches him, cares for him instead of using him as protection. one day your muse gets attacked, and nothing can stop the leo from tracking them down and getting revenge for hurting one he holds so dear

more tba

arek / virgo

arek fell in love with his job as a lecturer. however, there is one thing that irks him - your muse, who works at the university ( whether as another lecturer, or as a receptionist ). it's not that he hates your muse, but it's just that they always challenge him, they always have opposing views but it drives him crazy in the best way possible, always looking forward to their next conversation but HATING that conversation nonetheless

arek is known for packing up and going camping. one night while sitting by the campfire your muse appears, and asks to sit at his fire. he agrees, and even leaves a bed for your muse in his tent. he's not sure where your muse comes from, whether you're just another hiker, or some kind of mystical being, but he tries to return to that spot at least once a month, to have your muse return to keep him company once again.

more tba

septimus / libra

this boy literally has so many plot ideas already, there's too many to put here, just ask for him and I'll give you a small list if you want

victorien / scorpio

he is a hard boy to deal with and i am not even sure what plots he could do because it takes a LOT for him to warm up to someone and get past his fuckboy persona

evander / sagittarius

kinda a mix of septimus and victorien - so many plot ideas already, but takes a lot for him to warm up to someone. loves his dog named Dog, so animal loving muses can line up

elio / the sun

idk man but please can someone have this himbo for something other than his looks as well he has a great personality if you can get past the big tiddies. he's very passionate about fitness and really wants to find ways to be happy in gloomy weather

luan / the moon

a little recluse. lives in the woods, perhaps he can befriend someone from the city who can help him get things that he needs without him having to venture into the city?

idk man i'm just a massive sucker for the 'you were attacked by something in the forest and i saved you and bought you here let me nurse you back to health' trope

mystical beings befriending each other

cethin / the eclipse

so many plots but hard to get close to

idk please socialise this boy

watch out he bites

[nightguide]

Mars cancer men: will opt the hardest choice of anything they want cuz they can’t seem to get a break from existing and yet they’re the first ones to complain.

Lets see how well that pairs up with the sun signs

Aries sun: 25/1000 they hardly complain depending on where they go but they do become strong with their hearts dealing with shitty situations

Taurus sun: nitpicky af but doesn’t degrade value 2/1000. One of the biggest bitches of the zodiac but they can’t cry it out cuz they want to be stubborn in being good

Gemini sun: 2/10. Can’t lie

Cancer sun: WHINEEEEEEEE WHINEEEEEEEE WHINEEEEEEEEEEE 10/1bn but they want to sleep it out, ofc cancer men in majority mainly want to grow some balls and they do but when shit doesn’t like them back, they will assume (w/ or without cancer mars) they will bitch if you can’t get it right

Leo sun: I WILL KILL YOU ALL! Major bitch energy, will cry and make you hear it, arrogant celebrity vibes, think of that one nasty ass bad guy who you really want to punch in the face in real life cuz of how smug they become in ruining the main characters life. human existence/10

Virgo sun: (mad world plays but they don’t do anything about it unless a Jesus moment happened, they fucking live in the end times)

Jesus/10

Libra sun: they will fucking cry if they want but they don’t give a shit, actually the greatest asset they have in being a person in general. 😃/10

Scorpio sun: Daemon Targaryen will not stop if you severely hit them, think of every scorpio stereotype you see and it will never be the same, but they do like a good day 7/5

Sagittarius sun: one step per teardrop, assuming you can make them move (finger guns here) 2/5

Capricorn sun: when they cry, they are horny, not mad, they just like to believe in a happy ending, that’s all 4/10

Aquarius sun: best one to give a shit but fuck them. 28/2

Pisces sun: cries in hell 2/2

[cardassiangf]

okay actually let me just do the top three placements for the ds9 crew, okay? okay here we go! these are just for fun & also my interpretation. also i realize some arent human and therefore would have different placements entirely, but you know what? idc. (and no ezri since i havent seen enough of her to make a good guess sfdgfhjh sorry!) 

julian i already said was a cancer sun virgo moon. workaholics who are kinda anxious but also full of love and affection, plus they also love to talk. for rising im kind of caught between aries and sagittarius, because they both in nicely with the top two. i am leaning more towards aries rising though for him. moves very fast to keep interest in things & is career minded. it’s kind of a combination that swings back and forth between this unflappable confidence (usually in the workplace) and a deep emotional vulnerability. also, they’re caregivers by nature. his childhood teddy bear was his ‘first patient,’ and that has to mean something. he also repeatedly shows himself to be drawn to people that might be in need of ‘fixing,’ and might not necessarily pull back until something shakes him out of it. julian is someone who buzzes with energy and feels so much at once it can be hard to reign in, but once he actually manages to do that, it’s almost unstoppable. 

for sisko im feeling gemini sun and scorpio moon. okay yes two signs with a bad rep for some reason but hear me out: this person is extremely charming, confident & elegant except when they're Not, there's intense confidence and resolve that comes through. and on that intensity, we’ve all seen sisko when he gets serious about something--it’s a Lot. it’s a combo that can also be thrown off kilter and that’s not a great thing, but sisko has an excellent support system to ground him so you don’t see the negativity. he’s also a pisces rising. the same intensity comes out in love and emotional intelligence with him here, he’s definitely someone in touch with that side of himself and that’s very Water Sign of him. so basically loving, protective, the type of person people get drawn too for one reason or another but also there’s a chaotic side to him too, and he’s got a flair for the dramatic (his escapades in the mirrorverse come to mind when i think about this.) 

jadzia... okay see my initial reaction is to just. fill her chart with fire. she’s a big personality on the surface, and extremely magnetic. but actually? leo sun pisces moon. okay yeah, a fire sign out from the gate but hear me out. there’s a lot of duality in jadzia, and while she outwardly shows a ton of confidence, she’s also pretty self reflective and i get the sense she much prefers to deal with her problems internally. like, people don’t really see much past her dazzling outside either, and as another leo sun, people do tend to write us off as a bit one dimensional at times. the known emotional sensitivity of the pisces mized with leo’s capacity to love is good for her i think. rising is a bit tricky, since jadzia also has dax to blend her personality with, but i think that virgo rising suits her well. for all of the fun she brings to the table, she also has a brilliant streak of practicality. 

kira is another instinctively ‘oh, fire sign!’ person but actually? i think she has a ton of water in her chart. she’s emotional and passionate and so devoted to the things and people she believes in, and maybe she isn’t used to paying attention to her emotions because the occupation didn’t let her, but she feels so deeply. for this reason, pisces sun sagittarius moon scorpio rising. the thing about kira is that she might hold a lot of anger, but most of it stems from love and protectiveness. she’s incredibly blunt and adaptable, and definitely one of those pisces who doesn’t actually want to admit they have anything in common with the other water signs lmao. she’s at her best when she’s around people who can ground her and kind of make her pause to evaluate things before jumping into action and seriously values the bonds she makes with people. she also doesn’t really care for staying still or playing political mind games and would much prefer to just jump into the Doing phase of things. 

quark is just. it took me a minute for him actually? idk he’s a bit of a weird one. for quark, he’s kind of dramatic and emotional but also has this wonderfully deviant side and, when it comes down to it, isn’t terrible at business negotiations at all. yes he has majorly fucked up some big opportunities, but also somehow has kept his bar running for what, 15? 20 years? through everything that’s happened on ds9.  quark is a capricorn sun, but it’s balanced out (or in conflict with) his aquarius moon and leo rising. quark is weird, and kind of a dick sometimes, but when he’s not trying to be a menace, he actually has a pretty good heart. he’s a pretty creative thinker and constantly finds new ways to use practical knowledge to his advantage. but he also likes to ‘outshine’ others and keep the spotlight on himself, and he’ll lie and trample over people to do so. the fact that this combo makes him attentive can be a bit of a double-edged sword; sure, he can listen to people when he feels like it, but what’s going to happen with that knowledge? who knows. not quark until he finds an opportunity for it at least. 

odo! does not technically have a birthday but who cares i love him so he’s here. yes, we will start obviously: virgo sun. what else would i go with. he’s a reserved person with a personality that errs on the side of uptight; very virgo stereotypical. but you know what else? aries moon. oh yes. odo walks into a room and as long as he wants you to know he’s there, you Will know. he’s bold in his own way, and extremely on top of details with intense attentiveness. of course there’s some fire in his chart, and probably a lot of it in other placements too.  his gemini rising helps this out immensely, which is kinda surprising. but also when gemini is ascendant with virgo in sun, it makes them meticulous, fast learners. maybe a bit nitpicky at times, but nothing that can’t be helped with practice. i think the aries placement would also probably explain the underlying sensitivity, because like, it’s generally one of the louder signs of the zodiac but here’s a secret from anther fire sign: we are So sensitive oh my fucking god. we have a ton of ego and pride (and you can’t tell me odo doesn’t have moments of that) so typically unless we’re in a place we feel we can let go, you won’t see it, but jesus Fucking christ fire signs have a lot of emotion under the surface. 

miles, who i just wanna lowkey take the piss out of and slap him with virgo/virgo/virgo but i will refrain lmao. no, for him, libra sun leo moon virgo rising. he’s extremely reliable, devoted to his work & friends & family even if he’s not the greatest at showing it? a bit emotionally constipated but he does try very hard and that’s why we love him. is it the placements or the fact that he’s an irish dad? who knows, but he’s very prone to just telling people things outright with nothing to cushion it. this can be good or bad, and seems to depend more on how well the other person knows him. his leo side makes him pretty warm when he’s comfortable, and i think his relationship with keiko actually paints him as a lowkey traditional romantic too. also, these placements make for really good parents, and we don’t see it as much as we see the jake/sisko father/son dynamic, but miles really does do his best for his kids. 

worf my boy, who i have loved dearly since i first saw tng. hard to make a guess for him im 100% happy with though. im decently satisfied with taurus sun leo moon scorpio rising. worf is just like. he doesn’t have a really big personality but you also are very aware of him? i wouldn’t say he’s stoic by any means, he’s just very. focused. he’s honest and tries his best to look at situations from a more lawful standpoint, or at least, one that makes the most sense with his own honour code. he seems drawn to stability, but also finds himself drawn to people who challenge him too? he’s out here looking for something to balance him out and put things in perspective for him. whether or not he takes that into consideration is another thing entirely. and i say scorpio because, you know what they say, still water runs deep. you might know what he’s thinking because he told you, but you might not know how he Feels about it. actually, you probably will not. the leo doesn’t really make him want to be in the spotlight or anything, in his case i think it acts more like his driving force. 

and listen. i know garak isn't crew. but i love him so he’s here and we’re all gonna like it.  this chaotic little bastard spy is an aquarius sun pisces moon capricorn rising.  garak is unique, and even if he doesn’t want to say it, he’s pretty ruled by his emotions too. he’s creative, and a grade-A manipulator who can charm his way just about anywhere (provided of course, the person in question isn’t someone who’s been warned about him, but even then, he has a good chance). he’s good a good, if not a bit Off, sense of humour and he comes off as someone who has a personal interest in the behaviour of people. not just a spy thing, but he’s invested--he does crave a certain intimacy and closeness which gets denied uh. most of his life actually. the capricorn read comes from how he’s been able to compartmentalize and commit acts of cruelty. an interrogation that was four hours of staring and not speaking is certainly creative. it’s also an insanely calculated and sadistic mind game for him. and it’s interesting to note that as much as he manipulates, he’s also very easily manipulated himself (see: Everything about tain jesus fuck i hate that man so much). he also runs into quite a bit of trouble when he’s not able to compartmentalize things any longer, whether it’s because the emotional toll is too high or he simply doesn’t see the point in the actions any longer. 

[z-odiology]

THE SIGNS AS COLLEGE STUDENTS

Aries: that one kid that fits the whole college stereotype. frat boy. prob got a rep as a cheater but secretly loyal af. parties all the time. “there was homework? when?” jock. probably bullies nerds.

Taurus: he doesn’t gaf abt anything. skips class, dozes off, finals can eat their ass. probably the kid who pulls his shit during senior year. “when’s finals?” “right fucking now what the fuck david”

Gemini: hOly shit the fucking weird kid that you don’t wanna fw. creepy ass kid man. you have to be nice or else u ain’t gonna be safe LMFAO. they prolly have your social security number js ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cancer: the sweet one who’s just a bit too sweet. sorority girl. “hi!! you should join, we accept everyone!! :))” the likable one cause she ain’t fake. is a cokehead.

Leo: sports sports sports. bio? “ALPHA KAPPA DELTA 💯 GOD 1ST 🙏 LACROSSE ‘22 10.12.15 JEN 💖🍷” not the sharpest tool in the shed but the biggest muscle they have is their heart.

Virgo: that fuckin kid that can’t shut the fuck up like jesus fucking christ kristen no one gives a fuck if you and sheridan made out with the same guy goddamn. “LAST NIGHT ME AND LAINEY WENT TO MARK’S PARTY AND I SAW PROFESSOR WILLIAMS DRINKING!” ok bitch but there’s something called minding your own fucking business

Libra: her dorm is a party room and her roommate is the DJ. she’s the party goer who loves to party and drink and she probably got a DUI at least twice. “oh yeah, i finished it. i’ll send you the answers. another drink? yeah love, ill drop you off. don’t worry, after 5 DUIs ya girl has practiced ;)” you can’t let her go cause lmao this girl is the girl you wanna be friends with even after college

Scorpio: the guy you want to be fwb cause lmao. 👀💦 either he’ll fall first or you will. the guy that once you’re married, everyone will be like “yeah that’s her that’s the girl that married Emotionally Unavailable Matt. he said he doesn’t want anything serious but seriously? he had to fuck me over?” they never get over him

Sagittarius: wiLd ass riDe. THE COPS ARE ALWAYS IT IN SAG’S GAME OF TAG JESUS CHRIST. this kid is probably in cross country or fuckin track and field cause they run away from the cops faster than they do from their problems and responsibilities. “why are there sirens?” “it’s probably fucking Nathan” everyone likes him lmao. he prolly has a clean record cause of his lawyers or he never gets caught ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ either way he’s always on the run man

Capricorn: living college. partying, doing work. stable job and relationship. friends and all that. procrastination to the extreme. hasn’t eaten anything but ramen this whole month. hospitalized twice cause of their sodium level. they go to class with mascara running down their face and their hair in a fucking mess or they’re wearing sweatpants and forgot to put on a t-shirt. brings vodka to class. probably puts vodka in their ramen instead of water. please help them.

Aquarius: the dealer. weed? yuh. lsd? yuh. coke? yuh. probably head of the speech and debate team. v wealth oriented. prolly dorms cause they don’t wanna go home. huge windows are their thing and don’t really like roommates.

Pisces: they’re like capricorn but they don’t have their shit together. says they’ll study later, never does. goes home just to eat something other than ramen. drinking their problems away. does their homework and is the kid who has descriptions of kids in their phone. “what’re you doing?” “texting Boy With Yellow Backpack From Psych for the study guide”. looks put together but can’t fuckin wait to get ot

[chasholidays]

Hi, I'm a huge fan, thank you! Prompt (regular): Bellarke AU where Zodiac signs actually matter because people get different superpowers depending on their Zodiac sign.

Despite what everyone seems to think, Clarke hasn’t found fires are any more likely to commit crimes than any other group. It’s a perception problem, like most things. Everyone is convinced that fires are a problem, so stories about fire-sign criminals tends to get more traction. And, of course, anything that reinforces stereotypes takes off even more. Cold, calculating air-sign serial killers, earths who use their strength to break locks or bones, water-sign empaths manipulating people into committing crimes.

But fires are already stigmatized, already considered volatile and unpredictable, dangerous by coincidence of when they were born. It’s neither fair nor reasonable, but Clarke has seen it time and again. It was all over sample cases in law school, and when she said she wanted to be a public defender, everyone warned her this was going to happen.

So when Bellamy Blake tells her about his sister’s case, she’s not surprised, but she is pissed off.

“She was born on April Fool’s Day,” he tells Clarke, as a conclusion, the icing on the whole awful thing. She winces, and his smile goes wry. “Yeah, exactly. With Mars rising. Probably the worst time anyone could have been born, socially speaking. So my mom just–lied about it.”

“I can see why.” She worries her lip. “I’m Sagittarius cusp, so–”

He cocks his head at her, clearly surprised she’s just admitting it. “Scorpio or Capricorn?”

“Capricorn. Fire and earth. Premature babies, always screwing up careful planning,” she adds, with a little smile.

“They were trying for an earth?”

“Grounded, practical, strong. The Griffin family traits.”

“And are you?” he asks.

“I’m definitely strong,” she says, showing off her arm muscles, which aren’t actually that impressive. Like everyone else, if she wants muscle definition, she has to work for it. She’s just starting from a much higher base strength than most people. Not as high as it would be if she was a full earth, of course, but still more than enough. “And I’m practical enough to tell you that the case against your sister shouldn’t be as good as it is, except that she’s a fire. A fire who lied about it, even.”

“She doesn’t lie about it now,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “She won’t shut up about it. She wants me to be more open about it. I’m a cusp, like you,” he adds, before she can ask. “Cancer/Leo.”

“Cool. I’ve never met a water/fire cusp before. That I know of,” she adds. “Not everyone mentions it.”

“Yeah, I can pass as a Cancer, most of the time.”

“I would have believed it.”

His smile is a little rueful. “Thanks, I think.”

“So, your sister.”

That sobers him up. “My sister. The case against her is–”

“Circumstantial,” says Clarke, looking at the file. “If she wasn’t an Aries, she wouldn’t have been taken in. What’s her power?”

Bellamy makes a face. “Fire-breather.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, that’s what our last lawyer said. Even if they can’t prove arson, the best he thought he could really spin was that she set the fire by accident in a moment of heightened emotion.”

“Which is why you’re looking for a new lawyer.”

“Yeah. I heard you had a history of defending fires, so–”

“You’ve got a good case. It looks like the police saw a fire, looked at the employee data, found an Aries, and called it a day.” Her eye snags on a line from the report, and she glances at Bellamy. “You were at the scene too?”

“I’m a firefighter, my unit was called in to respond. I’m fireproof and intuitive,” he adds, with a shrug of one shoulder. “It was kind of a no-brainer career choice.” He cocks his head at her. “Can I ask what you got from Sagittarius?”

She raises one finger and places it on a piece of paper, focusing her mind on the single point of contact, feeling the paper warm under her touch. She lifts it again and smiles at the sight of the small hole. “Flameskin,” she says. “That’s about as much as I can do, though. Not that I’m complaining, intense flameskin is a pain. I already have trouble with singeing bedsheets during weird dreams.”

“I bet.” He scratches his neck, looking awkward. “So–will you take the case? If you won’t, I need to try to find someone else who will.”

“No, no. Of course I will.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes, she’s sure, but Bellamy doesn’t know her very well. He might not realize it. “I don’t see any evidence your sister did this. All we have to do is prove that.”

*

It’s not the first time Clarke’s seen this. A fire starts with no clear source, and it’s easy to blame the person on staff with fire powers. But the motive is, in this case, completely lacking. Octavia Blake is a staff member in good standing, and her supervisor and coworkers don’t really think it was her. The only red flag in her history is an inaccurate date of birth recorded on her birth certificate, from her mother having tried to pass her off as a Taurus. She updated the birth date herself at age fifteen, with Bellamy, seven years older and her legal guardian, vouching for her true date of birth, and for his mother swearing him to secrecy. Neither of them did anything wrong, and they made the changes as soon as they were legally able. Octavia’s employee file shows her correct date of birth and her power is on file, disclosed willingly.

“It’s just so lazy,” she tells Raven. “The police must have just looked at the employee registry, seen an Aries, and decided the case was closed. She’s been working there for three years. Who sees an arson case at an abortion clinic and decides that a longtime employee is responsible?”

“I’ll bet you ten bucks the prosecution’s motive is that she heard someone wanted to get rid of a fire-sign baby and when the clinic didn’t refuse, she lost her temper,” says Raven.

“Because this is definitely the first time in three years that’s happened,” Clarke says, with a roll of her eyes.

“Mars was in retrograde when the fire happened. I’m not saying I think she did it,” Raven adds, before Clarke can protest. “I’m just helping you figure out what you’re up against. Are you going to have the brother testify?”

“I think so,” she says, thoughtful. “He’s a fire cusp too, I think the more we can demonstrate fires behaving calmly and reasonably, the better. And he was one of the first responders. He’s a character witness and a professional.”

“Which makes him biased.”

“I think we’re better off talking to him. If we don’t, it feels like an omission. Her brother was there, he was her legal guardian for years, and we’re not even talking to him? It feels like we have something to hide.”

“And you don’t? You think he can handle himself?”

It’s a question that makes her bristle a little, but not an invalid one. Most fires, even fire cusps, do have quick tempers. Clarke does, and she assumes Bellamy does too. Like everyone else, they learn to deal with it, but if Bellamy loses it under cross examination, it’s also damaging to their case.

So the question is logical, like all of Raven’s are, and Clarke taps into her Capricorn side to think about it.

“I think he can, yeah. He’s been completely calm in every one of our meetings, including when his sister is ranting about all the bullshit. He says he passes for a Cancer most of the time. He had to change his own date of birth too, his mom put him a few days into Cancer to hide the cusp.”

“Guess that makes sense. It’s not like you can tell by looking at someone, most of the time. Unless you’re Monty,” she adds. Like her, he’s an air; unlike her, he’s always floating a couple of inches above the ground. “So, you like the brother?”

The question jars her for a second, because she had been liking the brother a little, in an unfortunate, guilty way. He’s intelligent and considerate and passionate, on top of being quite attractive, and while some of those are fine things to notice about a client’s brother, others really aren’t.

But Raven is asking if she likes him as a witness, so she recovers, manages a smile. “Yeah. I think he’ll be good.”

*

Clarke is used to people not touching her. It takes a little while, depending on their personality type; some people aren’t touchy at all, and it’s not a struggle for them. Close friends who like physical contact will get used to it, like her parents did. She’s not so warm that she can’t be touched, as she knows some full fires are. But it’s something people have to get used to, and not everyone wants to do that. Some water signs can’t; she met an Aquarius with frostskin in college, and when they tried holding hands as an experiment, they generated steam.

Bellamy is the first person to ever touch her and not react at all. She’s at the office late on the third day of the trial, and the door is unlocked, so he announces himself with a knock on the door frame and a soft, “Clarke?”

She blinks a few times, eyes uncrossing. “Bellamy?”

His smile is crooked. “I saw the light on my way home. Tell me it’s not that bad.”

“It’s not that bad,” she says, obedient, and he snorts. “But really, it’s not. I’m always like this when I’m in court. Long hours, and then I sleep for a week.”

“Have you eaten anything?”

She has to check the garbage can by her desk. “A protein bar?”

“Jesus. Do you like meatball subs?”

“That’s weirdly specific.”

“Mancini’s has the best in town, I was going to get one for myself. Do you want one?”

“You don’t have to–” she starts, and he puts his hand on her shoulder. It’s the lack of response, the way he doesn’t flinch and jump back, that shuts her up, as much as the gesture. No one’s ever been so prepared for the temperature of her skin.

“I know I don’t have to. I was doing it anyway.”

She swallows, wets her lips. “That would be great. Thanks.”

He gives her shoulder one more squeeze before he lets go. “Back in a few.”

It’s useless to try working while he’s gone; all she can think about is the cool, firm feeling of his fingers. Most of the contact was through her shirt, but there’s a lingering, phantom sensation of the side of his finger against her bare neck. Fires are rare enough she hasn’t met many of them, and as far as she knows, he’s the first fireproof. It hadn’t occurred to her that heat might not bother them, but of course it should have. Not burning is one thing, but even if they don’t burn, the heat should be a problem. If he’s fireproof and heatproof–

It doesn’t really matter. But it’s interesting.

“I got you a salad too,” he says, when he gets back, putting a bag in front of her. “And a gatorade. You should really go home.”

“I will. Eventually.” She clears her throat. “I wouldn’t mind company, if I’m taking a break.”

He smiles, takes the seat across from her. “Cool. My stuff would have gotten cold if I went all the way home.”

“Not a problem for me,” she says. “I’m my own portable heater.” She waits for a few seconds as he settles in, then asks, “So, do you have a higher heat tolerance?”

If he understands why she’s asking, he shows no sign. “I guess. I’ve never been too hot. Which is actually dangerous, in my line of work.”

“Yeah?”

“I might be fireproof, but my lungs aren’t smoke proof. There was a fire next door when I was a teenager, I nearly got myself killed trying to rescue them. It felt so easy, I didn’t realize how much trouble I was having breathing.”

“And you still made a career out of it?”

He shrugs. “I was still good at it. I just needed to learn how to do it safely.” He takes a big bite of his own sub. “How did you end up a lawyer?”

“I didn’t want to be a doctor, but I still needed to get an overpriced degree so I didn’t let the family down.”

“Obviously. Are your parents both earths?”

“Yeah. Your mom sounds like an air, if I’m going to stereotype.”

“Trying to lie about her kids’ signs?”

“I might do it too,” she admits. “But–it can’t last.”

“Practical. Yeah, she was an air.” He leans forward, frowning a little, adjusting his glasses. “I don’t really get it. It would be better to combat the stigma against fires than just pretend we don’t exist. It’s not like it’s always existed. It doesn’t even exist everywhere. Plenty of cultures don’t discriminate.”

“Yeah. That’s how I feel too.”

His smile is a little sheepish. “Preaching to the choir, huh?”

“Think of it as an appreciative audience.” For a second, she tries to talk herself out of it, but she can’t help asking, “So, my skin didn’t feel weird to you?”

He blinks, clearly caught off guard, and she can see when he figures it out. “Oh, because it’s–no. I didn’t notice. I guess skin is skin.”

There’s no inherent meaning to that, no magical, perfect connection. But she can’t help hiding a smile in her gatorade. She’s had friends and significant others who got used to her touch, who didn’t mind it.

But it’s a little nice, to not be noticed at all. She thinks she could like it.

*

A week after Octavia Blake is declared innocent of setting the fire that destroyed her workplace, Bellamy stops by Clarke’s office after hours again. This time, he comes with the sub already in hand, and he looks profoundly unimpressed.

“Do you have a life outside of work?”

“Not when I have paperwork to file. What are you doing here?”

He holds up the bag. “Bringing you dinner.”

“Why?”

“I have two answers, you can pick,” he says, starting to unload the food. “First, I like you and I wanted to thank you for what you did for Octavia, even though I know I don’t have to. I like taking care of people, it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay. What’s the other answer?”

“I like you and I want to keep seeing you. Ideally for a real meal, outside of your office.”

“Like a date?”

“Something like that, yeah. Your call, like I said.”

“I like option two,” she says. “I was trying to figure something like that out myself.”

“Good.” His eyes flick over her, and then he leans in, presses his lips against hers, quick and easy, his mouth soft and just a little cool against hers. “That’s the one I wanted you to pick.”

“Don’t you have intuition?” she teases. “Shouldn’t you know?”

“I’m just a cusp, my intuition isn’t that good.” He ducks his head. “I had a good feeling.”

It’s appropriate that the warm glow of hope in her chest feels like an ember. Maybe fire cusps are supposed to stick together. “Me too,” she says. “Thanks for dinner.”

“You can treat me next time,” he tells her, and she smiles.

“It’s a date.”

[saggy-tare-ious]

The Signs I Know - Sag POV

aries - my 11 year old bro is an aries and we argue like there’s no fuckin tomorrow. he annoys me so fucking much. he gets angry a far bit. very defensive. if i joke around about his appearance or how he does something will jump down my throat and yell. needs to chill out. doesn’t always take a joke. depends on his mood. he LOVES history like holy shit. when he was younger would run around and get into everything. doesn’t really move as much now HAHAH. isn’t interested in sports. sensitive. is awkward? stands weirdly and doesn’t look people in the eye. looks up a lot. plays xbox a lot. changes his interests so much. loves everything to do with world war 1 and 2. freaks me out a bit. wants to be in the army himself. has big fits. can get violent. he also has to have the last fucking word. like even if it’s a grunt or a random nose. does. my. fucking. head. in. IS NOSY ASF. so clingy with my mum. wants a hug all the fucking time. will piss me off then 10 minutes later will come into my room and tell me he loves me. fuck off. i also know this aries guy and he is a massive fuckboy. maybe a good friend but is scum when it comes to a relationship.

taurus - ik two taurus. the first one is so stubborn and is such a fuckin asshole honestly. we dated for like 2 weeks, kill me. he eats so much no joke. goes to the canteen every. fucking. day. he loaded. doesn’t share...... sometimes he does tho. he will go to the canteen and come back with like 3 meat pies 4 sausage rolls a bag of lollies a soda and a chocolate milk and won’t fucking share. most of the time he doesn’t eat all of his food so instead of giving to me or others he throws it at our leo ranga friend HAHAHAH bless him. he’s so uptight. he’s like that homophobe dad. he talks shit so much. and when he gets caught will throw anyone under the bus if if they didn’t do shit just to get himself out of it. jealous. the other taurus ik is a girl and do not like her. she makes me cringe so so so much. she sings 24/7. it’s not like she’s bad it’s just we are in fucking mATHS. jesUS. she said one time that she is a white girl with A BLACK GIRLS BOOTY like wtaf. girl you ain’t shit. it’s also like she mistakes sc as musically. no one wants to see you lip sing to some shitty radio song....... ok ok ok she’s not all bad she is actually quite smart and a good singer just needs to sTop.

gemini - ik quite a biiiit of gemini’s. all the gemini guys ik are HUGE flirts. one of them is one of my best guy friends and honestly has a new girl each week. we get along so fucking easy. is a trouble maker at school with his other guy friends. does the most stupidest and funniest shit they do anything to annoy the teacher in some way. the aries fuckboy is apart of his group. he lets people walk all of him especially if they are a love interest. forgives too easily but will be mad for fucking ages and then forgive them. funny asf. doesn’t do too good at school is dropping out next year. but he is very smart just doesn’t try. i have another gemini bff but she is very possessive in a relationship. will do and drop everyone for her partner. her current realtionship is toxic. both good people buttttt she is too obsessed. she is adorable and get real good grades. very hardworking and tries her best. funny. parties 24/7. alcoholic. serious but not at the same time. reaaal good at writing. said she wanted to be a journalist. says she’s a vegan HHAHAH

cancer - another one of my guy friends is cancer and he is moody asfffff. so many stereotypes in this post HAHAH. but it’s fucking true. he can be such a fucking asshole. cold one minute hit the next. he is like an angry dad. he is cold and doesn’t speak too much. but he’s funny. would fuck. star wars obsessed and does nothing with his life but play xbox. doesn’t care too much about school. found out he likes me tho he doesn’t show it too much. but he has said to me that he hates it when the other guys in our group touch me etc so i guess he’s protective ? he copies other guys style and hair ? literally tried to be this guy at our school until someone called him out on it. reaalll good at guitar.

leo - ik two stone head, beautiful, would fuck leo’s and a ranga leo WHO IS HILARIOUS ASF. bless him too bits. the ranga is also in my group along with the cancer and taurus. he tries to be liked by everyone and does what everyone tells him to do just to be funny. will bully and abuse other people just to be funny and to be liked. he thinks he will be this big youtuber. he honestly changes how he is so much around his ‘friends’ who tell him to do the most stupidest shit just they don’t bully him. he is creative and good at art. doesn’t take his job serious at all. i mean it’s a fast food restaurant. but anyways he doesn’t take it serious. doesn’t get angry too much but when he does it’s scary. talks shit. two faced. pride is easily hurt.

virgo - she is a perfectionist honestly. doesn’t cross out or white out anything bc it will look messy. does drama and music. good at art. real good grades. kind of a serious person ? don’t know her too much.

libra - is the mum of the group like holy shit. an alcoholic mum more like it. will talk to a guy for a week then drop them bc she got bored. gets a lot of guys bet then doesn’t at the same time ? responsible af but parties all the time. so much like a mum. love her but then hate her. no where in between.

scorpio - my mum is a scorp. we argue all the fucking time. will talk for ages at the lady at the cash register. is STUCK IN THE FUCKING PAST. brings up everything from the past can’t get over it. like stfu i don’t want to hear it. real negative. complains all the time. judgement. acts like she does everything in the house. she doesn’t. also acts like my brother and i are 3 and are hard to look after. even tho we do everything she asks to do and practically stay in our rooms all the time. she has no friends. says she doesn’t need them. trust issues. gives out second chances even tho she says she doesn’t. needs to chill tf out. my scorpio guy friend is touchy asf. needs to know what a personal bubble is. judgmental asf. laughs at evrythiiiiing. we talk about people we hate together in maths.

sagittarius - i knooow soo manyyy sags. my dad included and i love him to bits. we hardly fight unlike my bro and mum, still love them thooo. he complains the whole time when going shopping probably the only time where i want to kick his head in. funny asf too bless him. afl fanatic. loves sports. real short. like 5”6. my two bff are sags one is sporty asf and sensitive the other parties all the time is quite distant ? the sporty one is honestly so fucking weird never met someone like her. hard to put her to words. she falls in ‘love’ easily too. well crushes easily. she literally fell in love with a guy at our school who she never talked to b he was real good at guitar. she’s veryyyh sensitive. need to be careful of what i say. she annoys me so fucking much. we argue a lot too. but i love her. the party animal one is adorable and kind of responsible? she’s like scared of getting in trouble and will avoid it at all costs. funny and sarcastic. stone head. plays netball. tried to go vegan. good ass eyebrows. they both do actually.

capricorn - dated 2 of them. both funny. one is now a massive stone head. kind of a drop kick now tbh. the other is so so so funny and sporty asf. real jealous. said he’s loved me since he was in yr 7. he’s a year older. but we’ve hardly ever spoke ? HAHAHAH we’ve had a convo here and there but i hardly know anything about him. would ask me out all time. i finally gave in when i was in yr 8. it could’ve actually lasted longer then it did. he isn’t a bad guy. but me being a sag freaked out and dumped him after 4 days HAHAHHA. he is cringy online. loveesss his lil sister.

aquarius - we talked not dated and i like him so much i even considered if i loved him. ew cringe ik. maybe i’ll do a post just for him ? HAHA i must find out his time of birth 🤔 anywaysss he is weird, like it’s like he tries to weird or different. again cliches ik. watches so much documentaries. can’t swallow pills. belives meat and pills will kill us. thanks to documentaries. said he was a vegan for a day. good at sports. has a job with the leo and takes it seriously. horNY ASF. will ask for nudes even after you say no. just want someone to fuck. funny kind of? Hahha. has like social anxiety. looks depressed all the time. won’t talk to anyone unless you do. but then again he doesn’t look interested the whole time and makes you feel like shit and says he doesn’t care about what you say bc it’s boring him ? but yet tells me borin ass things idc about either but i listen and look interested ? HAHAH KILL ME. doesnt try too much in school unless he has no friends in that class. good at maths. says he doesn’t care all the time. SO FUCKING SENSITIVE AND A CRY BABY

pisces - my bff is a pisces and i love her to bits. we would never admit this to each other tho. she laughs a lot, which i like bc she laughs at everything i say and do. sensitive. popular. social. literally cannot go a week without going somewhere. hates to be by herself. doesnt try at school which pisses me off so much as i’m a try hard who gets straight a’s HAHAH. i often wonder wtf she will do with her life. good at art. creative. good music taste and style. we have the SAME humour. every guy loves her ass. can’t order her own food. has been diagnosed with depression when she was younger. it’s hard for to get things car both question if she has dyslexia. my best guy friend is also a pisces. he is real fucking sensitive. lost a shit ton of weight. i wonder daily if he eats. looks depressed asf. will let you speak. puts up with my questions about life and tries to answer them the best he can. we talk about whatever tbh. found out he likes me. wouldn’t go there. he is like a brother. bless him. used to be a big fucking asshole but has grown up a bit. has random knowledge about random things. on his phone and listening to music all the time. plays the bass. honestly reminds me of dan howell and suga.

======

first post. just getting into astrology. well i’ve known about astrology and my chart for about 3 years but only now am i actually ‘delving into it’ ? don’t expect much HAHAH

[joyfullyimportantyouth-blog]

Reportage: Why Cleansing is Totes Necessary // A Comedy // Bougie AF

So, this weekend I felt like being a mixture of regimented and “mindful” and I felt like a caricature of privilege. Despite the fact that I live with ten people and am unemployed, I am not impoverished. I have grown up with the privilege of Costco and homegrown radishes and Portuguese soap dishes. I’ve always felt a little bad (but not really) about my inclination towards the more nicely packaged/ more expensive items everywhere, although I usually write out budget lists that are realistically sketched out to include a $13 budget in entertainment. And intend on reading THICH NHAT HAHN and then quickly loop back to Wikipedia-ing and trolling celebrity gossip.

So while I was googling “how to really cleanse/simplify your life” yesterday, I had to have a moment of reprieve from my privileged ways. Why are we so obsessed with this word (”we” as in me and millions of lifestyle blogs) and why are there usually only the options of zen and moneybags reloaded into formulas for us to refer to? Just for humor’s sake, I created a list of stereotypes of my search results. There’s no answer on how to cleanse other than to purge what’s not needed, which is subjective-ish. 

Cleansing is perhaps just saying “no” a lot of the time... Just doing the minimum of what is necessary and picking two things that are important to you for each day. Because drinking miso soup and eating celery and drum circle-ing some subpar world music to reactivate your sexual organs are not the only ways to get rid of anything keeping ya down. 

-- CLEANSING: A MANUAL OF WHO NEEDS A CLEANSE--

“Cleansing” : The Rich Bitch Earth Mother

She carries her African woven basket full of farmers market carrots everywhere, because she loves Farm to Table! It helps her imagine the simpler times of vacationing in the South of France when she smells the freshly cut lavender on the West Elm birchwood counter engraved with affirmations to keep “elevated” as she breaks bread/macca. 

She beams with gratitude as she meets each person EVERY SINGLE DAY IN HER BUSY LIFE with a gaze as “sensually earthy” as amber candelabras. Of course, she made those last weekend at her glassblowing class - after her 5 AM ashtanga practice - because her next thing will be pottery and selling spirulina goji berry energy fragrance to Gwyneth at Goop.

Her Woodstock turned financier husband doesn’t pay attention to her even when she suggests tantric weekend getaways in Oregon wine country for a “cleanse” from the modern world. He always sighs at her after smoking some high-grade vape Sativa and buys her another turquoise ring from the Iroquois she “volunteers” her time for because she’s always been certain that she is Native American… or at least 1/16 Sacagawea.

She has made it her life path to realize her full potential as a Capricorn Sun / Aries Rising in the sweat lodges she invites herself to. She finagled her way into these sacred ceremonies by what she believes to be a “calling” but more accurately occurred after procuring a bankrolled friendship with a local Native American artist. She knew they were kindred spirits after buying his sacred geometry blankets at her best friend’s boutique “Gather.” A new one called “Savor” is going to sell her wrap dresses that she buys from her Guetemalan Shaman, who always forgets that she doesn’t drink regular milk only ALMOND MILK and no gluten when they trip together on $500 ayahuasca that keeps true to her frugal roots of growing up in Marin County. She just loves the “spirit” of Central American people because it makes her feel like she is in the Peace Corps when they smile back at her and offer her the opportunity to pose in photos next to a “saddening” market stand.

All of the Instagram photos of posing in collectivos with poor people will be framed at the cafe where she namaste-scolds the barista everyday for her stupidity in not knowing her clear distaste for regular hummus (acidic!). It’s always only going to be beet hummus until edamame hummus gets on the menu for godssakes. Here she always meets with her caftan-clad yoga friends who all used to be dancers and now have rich husbands who built them modern Adobe lairs to be bored in but pretend like blackberry sage tea gets them high from well being.

She feels forlorn that there is something discontenting about the “minimalism” she has so ambitiously set out to create/dump shitloads of money into, so in the only way she knows how, she will book an Iyasca retreat in Peru. Maybe poor Peruvian people can teach her the meaning of life so she can write a memoir about how life changing it all was. Holding hands with the street children… and never returning again because it makes her too sad, but the lessons of the third world will be tattooed literally and figuratively in a Quechua phrase for life on her wrist so she can talk about it to the young hot river guide men in Telluride…

“Cleansing” : The Twenty-Something Project

She has had way too much casual sex for her pressing emotional need to find someone who loves tequila and rock climbing and contemporary fiction just as much as she does. She drinks way too much tequila five days a week as well as wine during the day because she feels like she can’t access who she really is (that’s what a partner would help her discover in his egocentric artistic ways of being).  She spends eight hours on the computer writing shit that doesn’t matter to her (like emails) and trolling pointless social media sites that make her wonder if models really are people. This is usually the apex of her day, when she recounts how she is in charge of her own happiness but jesus how many genetically modified Victoria’s Secret models are there out there? These girls are now chronicled to be “anti-social-media-bullying” and are just “regular girls,” which she intellectually realizes. But she thinks and researches for a long time how they can be just so: how can they get someone to take their photo at just the right moment when they are writhing around in the water so that you can see that they are so in tune with and gently being kissed by their sexy actor boyfriend (bio in link for his new film with Harrison Ford!)? This is happening while being blessed by the Tahitian palm tree shading themselves, because they’re responsible so they use La Roche Posay SPF and feel #grateful that they are very hot people and have so many loyal followers.

She decides that becoming a massage therapist will likely zen her out all the time and make her like wheatgrass and never drink again and only date “spiritual” men with man buns. Maybe being a masseuse will train her to refuse being around “negative vibes” and only will be in the same room as people who make her feel “full.” And being a masseuse will likely get her laid because she’ll be a healer. So like the google-generation, she finds a massage training in Tulum. But it’s $5,000 over-budget. Instead, she thinks she will just clean her room and eat a mango from the bodega around the corner because it’s only $1. And only have 3 apps instead of 13.

“Cleansing” : The I-Came-of-Age-In-The-Rob-Lowe-Coked-Out-Power-Dressing-Glamor-of-The-1980’s-Workaholic 

EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART. She works so much that she has no life. She hates her pantsuits but started working in the age of Anita Hill and thought she had to break the glass ceiling more because her mom would quote Betty Friedan and preach to not be “ungrateful” to the women like Jane Fonda who paved the way (and the song “9-5,” too). She used to dream about working in transportation and logistics just so she could scan her government card everyday.

Now she hates the Boys Club. She even hates most of the women, who are such mechanical bores and all majored in “Political Science” like smart girls do at Dartmouth. They’re the sociopathic philanthropists who only “endorse” International causes that pay people to publicize the plight of poor people because it looks good in photos and they don’t actually want to help poor people. Unless you’re George and Amal Clooney, you can just show yourself the door.

So guess what? She QUITS HER JOB and decides that something must change... and also that she absolutely loathes Elizabeth Gilbert. This means that she doesn’t want to be BORED hanging out doing yoga in some fucking yurt pagoda thing and she doesn’t want to get FAT in Italy with some boy toy whose worshipping would be as aging feeling as a lifestyle blog… and she doesn’t want to SHUT THE FUCK UP in India in some ashram with annoying as fuck Californians who think using crystalized deoderant is as repenting as when they culturally appropriated Ganesh on their saggy backs.

So what does she want to “cleanse?” Anything committing or societally-fulfilling for women her age (like the constant suggestion of growing a damn garden to be happy…). The solution is to do whatever she damn well pleases from the comforts of her current home and maybe tell people what to do from her computer every once in a while “freelancing” and occasionally go on a few dates and walking out when they’re just blah blah blah. 

Perhaps trying to be “budget-y” but realizing she earned her accolades thirty years ago, so only voting with her dollar when she feels like reusing the same dishtowel or using up everything in the fridge. She learned long ago that you’re not better than others just because you “know how to be poor and sustainable” by eating pumpkins from the garbage … and living with a commune of people you kind of hate for judging you about not knowing the merits of free speech feminism and cleaning with vinegar absolutely everywhere (...everywhere).

She will damn well do as she pleases in purchasing a sugaring appointment or buying a $50 solo dinner. Or online shopping at FreePeople if she feels like she’s lagging a bit on her “cleanse” and wants to look a little like she had a love affair in Barcelona and went cray at the flea markets that apparently only sell pillow case dresses that are so bright and flouncy you have to dance in the streets when you wear them and look like you’re having an enlightening experience even when you drink “fresh mint water.”

“Cleansing”: The Legit Monk Woman

She GOT RID OF EVERYTHING to be noble to a million sutras she can’t quite name but she tries to, usually when she’s drinking a single cup of tea for four hours. She went to Ladakh in 1987 and comes back to Los Angeles in 2017 named Nag Champa and gets a job teaching at some liberal theology college in Orange County where Steven Spielbergh’s kids occasionally come to class. At least they link the school website in their online interviews with Vogue all the time. They are using the Tibetan sound bowls to create a new experimental electronic album that can maybe buy their way into Coachella and they may have her be their life coach while on tour to “combat the stressful perils of the industry.” 

She writes a few blog posts for Depak who is always trynna hit on her. She goes to Wanderlust and blesses the dreadlocked crowd with a hybrid Buddhist-Rastafarian-Katy Perry lyric blessing, throwing Whole Foods rosewater on their toned bodies that they got growing up skiing in Aspen. All of them say they want to be mentored by her in between their barista/yoga teaching/juice cleansing lifestyles, maybe when they’re done setting up their kombucha bar they can swing by and have like a $6,000 certifying sesh that has all inclusive vegan food? Or they can barter with nuts and berries that they brought back from their trip to INDIA.

Yes, she must capitalize on this moment of “wellness.” You can find her speaking and retreat information on LinkedIn that she’s still waiting to customize in a more boisonberry color for calming effects…

“Cleansing”: The-Doesn’t-Want-To-Give-A-Shit-But-Still-Kind-of-Does Woman

She needs to get her finances in order a bit and is somehow always “busy” so she gets rid of what’s not needed by saying: Yes, she needs her organic food. No, she doesn’t need her Argan oil face wash. Yes, she needs a drink at somewhere other than a dive bar every other Friday. No, she doesn’t need to go to Brazilian dance yoga with Shanti for $40 every day. Yes, she needs to go see a concert every once in a while. No, she doesn’t need five paid-for “music experience” apps that “customize” user experience depending on their ever-fluctuating mood and will bring you to “up and coming artists.” Because honestly, these musicians sound like they took a Xanax and hipsters just go to their shows because they’re insecure that they’re being called “hipsters” and hate “categorization of gender norms” but totally need reassurance that they’re doing life right by the Anthropologie curtain-esque crop tops and leg tattoos they appear bored in everywhere. So every grainy film Insta shot is in fact very intentional but they won’t admit it because they will always be pale-faced underdogs just like these up and coming artists who have long hair and little annoying vegan kids with no manners who have ginger hair and are gonna grow up to be soft-core racists because they intentionally want to have black friends (only with septum piercings and a denim jacket) so they can show how liberal they are because their parents were once underpaid touring musicians and they know what struggle is because they tried acid when they were 14 and they saw how we are all “the same.”  

Yes, she needs stupid email to make a living. No, she doesn’t need Snapchat because so much meh and overwhelming tapping all the time.

…DONE. Now she’s livin’.