#nothing personal sveta

[victoriadallonfan]

I saw a really funny meme about Victoria’s interaction with Gong, and it made me think…

There’s probably a LOT of unexplored potential in bias and prejudice against Cauldron capes, right?

What kind of micro aggressions can form due to this? How does it interact with capes in the same team, politically?

For context:

- Dying 15.3

Victoria gives a pretty well explained summary of Shaker-Movers, helping to explain why the cape is acting like she has PTSD (which is why Vic’s orders work and Gong’s didn’t), and Gong’s simple response is that she is a Cauldron cape.

Ergo, she wouldn’t have these issues like “real” capes. Right? Victoria wants to argue against it, but she has no real proof of this. She has theories but that’s all they are. Theories.

But WE know the truth. Victoria is correct in that vial capes get powers based off of their personality and mental states!

Battery was a passionate and fiery person who uses memories of staying calm, using breathing techniques from her past to help her manage her fear and pain, which gave her the power to become untouchable so long as she forces herself to remain calm and unmoving to charge up.

Newter was insensate with pain, delirious, and his body torn apart when given his vial, and he gained a body that deals with damage, heals, and induces delirium in others.

Sveta was trapped, torn to shreds, skin peeling off in ribbons and trapped metaphorically in a body that wasn’t right for her. She was given ribbons that could get her out of danger, that would provide and protect her with minds of their own, and a body that was what she wanted while still not being hers.

And WB did a great breakdown of the travelers:

There’s more to explore like how Alexandria had a desire to remain young, a mind foggy from drugs and a body sensitive to pain etc etc, but the gist is that cauldron capes DO have power issues related to what they can do. And according to Battery, they experience mind boggling amounts of pain with each drink of a vial.

However…

Would non-cauldron capes even care?

When Taylor learns about cauldron capes, her first reaction is disgust that these people didn’t earn their powers. That they didn’t suffer like REAL Parahumans did.

Even Victoria is offended when she learns Dean was a cauldron cape, as the intimacy of sharing their trigger events was seen as the next step of their relationship.

When Legend explains how they all should have had trigger events, but didn’t, it falls on deaf ears. No one responds to him and Taylor doesn’t give his words much thought at all.

And why should they? Cauldron capes are liars. They’ve been lying all this time. Nothing they say could be taken at face value. Eidolon could give a huge public speech about being born disabled, suffering from seizures, and his suicide attempts… and it would mean nothing.

He LIED to them about his origins. An unspoken rule has been broken. He didn’t suffer enough to earn his powers.

It’s interesting to me that the Undersiders nor Breakthrough had someone who was a voluntary cauldron cape. Sveta was an advocate for C53’s and hated Legend for being part of Cauldron, but we don’t hear her thoughts on people who simply bought powers. Taylor never knew Accord and Citrine were Cauldron until the very end.

I don’t know how to end this, but his line sticks out to me:

- Blinding 11.5

[trans-queen-administrator]

Gregor the Snail is such an odd cape name. Honestly it's kind of funny on the surface, because like, fuck he sure is. But I think it's one of my favorite names in the series after I looked into it. All of the other case 53s (except sveta) only have cape names to speak of, in large part because they have no memories and were likely assigned these names by the PRT because they all have powers. None of them get to choose their names or even choose to be capes, they have no choice from the moment they begin to exist as C53s. The exception is Sveta, who chose her name because she wants nothing to do with her cape persona of Garotte with an unwilling triple digit body count. Gregor though, he took whatever C53 cape name he was saddled with and he made it his own. He's not just "The Snail", he's Gregor. He had no name and he chose one for himself and forces everyone who fights him to remember that he's not just a crusty slime man, he's a person, he has thoughts and feelings and a name. His interlude gets into how he can't fully separate his cape and civilian lives because he's so strikingly abnormal, and this lack of divide is why he only has one name that has aspects of both parts of his life. Gregor The Snail is a kinda funny name, but it's also a mans attempt to establish an identity for himself and be seen as a person when the world seems to be against both those things.

[kaftan]

Some Notes on Arcs 18-20

(Long post! Here there be ramblings! Sorry)

- I forgot this was an arc 18 moment till I checked — Taylor feeling seduced (her words) by Dinah’s power, longing to hold on to her despite her mission being to free her… goosebumps. I love how the villains she hates rub off on her, worm (ha) into her.

- And then describing the act of returning her to her home as throwing away a resource… something that felt dumb to do… being proven right, in a sense, in arc 20, when it comes back to bite her… I’m reminded of some dialogue from animorphs that I’ll have to paraphrase, something about how what matters isn’t what’s right or wrong, it’s what’s expedient. Taylor isn’t all the way there yet, but feels like a matter of time.

- More on Taylor and morality: it’s fascinating to see her go through the same rough trajectory for every major battle — she starts from her baseline, being disturbed at the notion of seriously hurting or killing anyone, slowly numbs that sentiment with plenty of half-hearted strands of reasoning, eventually escalates to the point of cold-blooded violence or the enablement of such… and feels nothing. “Dissociation as an integral aspect of being” moment!

- I love Jessica Yamada. Not enough to read Ward, I have my limits. Getting a better perspective on the “all Amy’s horses and all Amy’s men couldn’t put Victoria back together again” situation was a treat. I love the horror elements in Worm. I love the horror of having the face of your trauma etched into the folds of your brain.

- Met Sveta! People on tumblr namedrop her a lot, to the point where I wondered if she’d been introduced before and I forgot. She’s a darling.

- Lily’s meltdown about Skitter… you can’t even look straight at her without feeling your skin crawl ❤️ but she sounds idealistic and naive even with cockroaches and bees crawling over her face ❤️ she starts making sense ❤️

- [Trickster voice] my beautiful gamer princess with a disorder… talk to me…

- This quote here:

“I mentioned it in passing to Miss Militia,” I said, “Better that you tell the truth and say we pushed hard for it. Blame me.”

“No,” Regent said, “Blame me.”

I shot him a look, and he shrugged. “Just wanted to get in on the fun,” he said.

says so much about Alec, lmao. It flagged in my brain because it’s the second time I’ve consciously noted it: his jokes about wanting to be included speak volumes. The truth he does not dare to know, etc etc

- Taylor “we cannot rule out human sacrifice” Hebert

- Marissa: She’s my friend. / Taylor: Was. It’s a big difference. Fast forward: Emma interlude, crossing paths at Arcadia. I love storytelling.

- Speaking of the Emma interlude: reading about Taylor’s bullying always makes me feel queasy; this was bone nausea on a deep level. What happened to Taylor is like if your worst fears about other people came true. You know, the nagging worry that you’re a burden, that a late text means I don’t want to be your friend. The worry that any reasonable person will tell you to ignore. How the fuck do you come back from living that nightmare?

Reminds me of Amy, how what happened to her is like if your worst fears about yourself came true.

- Everyone always talks about Taylor’s repressed rage but holy shit her repressed rage. What a character. What a character. I love her fantasies of violence. I love how much she basks in that meager catharsis.

- There’s something beautiful about how effortless the supervillain persona is for Taylor. (Every you is the real you, you are the mask and the wearer, etc.) Her standoff against Dragon and Defiant might be one of my favorite scenes yet. The perfectly affected nonchalance, the hanging threats toward hostages (becoming a theme), the mile-a-minute plotting, the grandiose gestures, the leveraging of fear… she’s a wonder and a terror.

- When she smiles and Clockbocker says “Fuck me, it just sunk in. It’s really her.” :-)))

- “and so that Defiant could make something resembling an apology as part of his twelve step assholes anonymous process” I fucking love you Taylor I love you forever

[ewingstan]

We sort of touched on it in a prior post, but you’ve gotten a fair few details on how Mark and Carol raised Victoria by this point.

From what details you recall, how does her handling/raising of Kenzie fall into compare and contrast with those details?

Wooh. Hm. Well, I think she has Kenzie's ultimate wellbeing in mind more than Carol probably did while raising her and Amy. At the same time, when Victoria's first reaction to Kenzie getting publicly pilloried was "lets get you in front of cameras to argue your case, and also while we're at it lets keep our cape-network plan from falling through by jumping on the public-Scion-reveal grenade" I thought well. Yeah that's something Carol's daughter would think to do huh.

Its a dangerous relationship they're in. Victoria legitimately wants to keep Kenzie safe and stop her from overworking herself. She also really wants this cape group thing to work. She'd probably not consciously let the latter get in the way of the former, but she will let Kenzie fight as a hero if it seems like that's what Kenzie wants. The problem, of course, is that Kenzie wants what Victoria wants. Kenzie will act in whatever way will make the people around her happy, and so if she thinks Victoria wants her to be a hero (which you don't exactly need to be an observation tinker to notice), she's gonna make being a hero her whole thing. Not to mention that Kenzie also knows Ashley wants her to be an active cape, Sveta enjoys being on a hero team, etc....

I'll also say that the way Victoria's treating Chris.... kind of reminds me of how Carol treated Amy growing up? Victoria sees him as her responsibility: he's a member of the group Dr. Yamada asked her to shepherd, and he's a kid, and now that Dr. Yamada's gone that responsibility is even greater. Victoria is burdened with Chris in the same way Marquis burdens Carol with Amy; sure, Victoria does it a lot more voluntarily.... but she's also doing it more because she agreed to care for "the group," not for Chris. Chris is a responsibility that came packaged with what she wanted to do. And while the care she has for Kenzie seems to come from a place of genuine concern and affection, her keeping tabs on Chris feels strictly procedural. She's responsible for him, she'll keep tabs on him, nothing more to it. There's a lot of resentment and some frustration that boils into how Victoria treats Chris as a result. Insert your arrested development "I don't care for Chris" image here.

Hell, despite otherwise having pretty wildly different viewpoints when interacting with people, Victoria ends up resembling Taylor a lot in how she thinks about Chris, because it matches up so well with how Taylor thought about Regent. Its another case of "That guy I'm not as close to as the others, the dangerous one, the one whose probably a sociopath waiting to be let loose." I remember thinking that Chris seemed like "the Regent of the group" in my early reading, but they're really not so alike personality-wise, or even in terms of their place in the team dynamic; they're just positioned the same way in the mind of each text's narrator.

I read Taylor's reaction to Alec as one part fear-response to people who seem to delight in other's pain for no obvious reason, and one part a reaction to all the stuff she doesn't like about herself projected onto some twink in leggings. Her fixation on the idea that Regent must just like hurting people, that its just the kind of person he is, comes from the same scared confusion about why her best friend and the whole of the school started torturing her for no apparent reason. Its a reaction from a person who still categorizes everyone as bullies or victims, and is distressed about whether there's more to that and where she is on the spectrum. In her mind, he's a kinda evil dude that likes to hurt people because hes a bully and that's what bullies are, but actually maybe he's fine to hang around with? Which is getting churned in her head alongside her pledging to protect people by becoming a horrifying warlord and making long arguments to Pariah and Flechette about how villains can be helpful and heroes can be bullies. Taylor's relationship to Alec and her distance from him is symptomatic of her evolving views about who people can be, what power can be used for, and why people act the way they do.

Of course, Taylor conversely forms one of her strongest emotional bonds with someone who reminds her of her bullies even more than Alec does. But I think this makes sense for the same reason Chris and Kenzie could both remind Victoria of Amy but inspire such differing treatment. Bitch's first encounter with Taylor was a seemingly random attack that Taylor directly compares to the trio's assaults: she instinctively looks for a reason to hold back like she did for them, and then finds freedom in not having one. But while Rachel at first seems to directly fit the "bullies because she's a bully" model, Taylor learns pretty early on that Rachel has perfectly understandable reasons for her behavior, and that she can be predicted and made into a close ally if she just pays attention and puts in the work. Taylor's relationship with Alec is her sticking to the idea that the world is bullies and victims, and you have to find your place in it without understanding it because there's nothing more to understand. Taylor's relationship with Rachel, meanwhile, is her finding out the world isn't just bullies doing bad things because they're bad people. Rachel is the possibility of understanding the world, bringing it to heel, learning to love it and make it love you.

Similarly, Victoria's relationship with Chris is a reflection of everything she internalized from the Wretchening, while her relationship with Kenzie is her reacting against those internalized lessons towards something more hopeful. Chris is a medical freak who becomes a horrible misshapen monster on a regular basis and who suffers horribly for it, yet keeps choosing to do so. He's wretchening himself at the slightest provocation—he's impatient to wretchen himself! Add to that how his emotions rule him to the degree that they physically transform him, and that he shows absolutely no desire to reign them in, and its pretty clear why Victoria is often so negative to him. He's a powderkeg waiting to go off in a horrible way like his sister was, filled with strange and offputting desires turned into strange and offputting flesh, and unlike Amy he doesn't even have the decency to shamefully repress it. Chris is Amy as the deviant who qua deviancy will inevitably be a danger to everyone around him. Kenzie, meanwhile, is Amy as the sister who gave too much of herself. Victoria's shown at times that she hasn't forgotten how she loved Amy as a sister, how she wasn't inherently evil. She spoke with regret about not listening to Amy when she begged Victoria not to hug her. And she's pretty much said in-text "I don't want Kenzie, who I love as I once loved my sister, to exhaust herself to the point that she becomes lost in the way my sister did." Victoria looks at Chris and is reminded of all her fears of what strange and dangerous people will do, of her belief that bad people do bad things because their bad people. Victoria looks at Kenzie and remembers that's not true, and that she can do something about it.

[shsl-heck]

Worm fans are really bad at making the connection between "Cauldron is really ruthless" and "Cauldron regards all parahumans as numbers on a spreadsheet at best, livestock at worst". The mentality is that Cauldron is only ruthless when they choose the Renegade option in a specific situation. The idea that their ruthlessness is systemic doesn't register

I guess that explanation makes some sense, but also, its so central to the story's themes that Cauldron isn't just mean or something, but in fact systematic and unrelentingly ruthless in their pursuit of any chance to save humanity. The way Cauldron mirrors how the entities operate, the fact that they control the PRT/Protectorate, Doc Mom genuinely not remembering who Sveta is, etc. There's a lot there, and it all impacts the narrative!

I could even kind of see how someone would miss that if they were caught up in the personal tragedy of Doc Mom and Contessa... except Worm fans are also really bad at realizing that Cauldron is run by two or three people who gave up their entire lives at very young ages and are now desperately throwing things at the wall hoping just one of them will stick so that this won't all have been for nothing.

They're somehow simultaneously overestimating and underestimating the inhumanity of cauldron, and I think it has a lot to do with the whole "one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic", and "banality of evil" thing. Seeing Contessa curbstomp the found family that is Faultline's crew feels horrific because of how visceral and small scale it is. Meanwhile, even if we intellectually know that Cauldron is treating human lives as abstract numbers like currency, it doesn't stick in some people's brains the same way. Or at least that's my best guess.

The real take away of this though is that Worm fans are bad at book.

[sadruru]

A little bit about the events in Barovia: I'll describe a bit of what happened to Light and her company. 1. In the Baron's mansion we had to fight the guards who were looking for Viktor Vallakovich for some reason. We killed them. Nita didn't like it, with low HP she freaked out and decided to lift the couch instead of Ismark. Failed her athleticism test and got a bleed. Light decided to help and angrily healed her.

2.I didn't tell you last time, but this guy's name is Albian. A red-haired guy with green clothes and green eyes. He's a warlock, but he's not an elf. He was originally born human, but Light somehow managed to talk to him separately and found out that his special appearance is due to a pact, just like his hat. Berries and flowers constantly grow on the hat, and he can't take it off for long. Albian didn't say who he made the pact with, and Light didn't insist. But she quickly realized that it seemed to be one of the very powerful fairies. He also talks weird. Like a storyteller from a fairy tale. And he gave everyone nicknames. He calls Light a blackberry. We offered to help him find Victor, his friend (yes, in our game, he is Victor's good friend). We agreed. But he only whispered what he looked like in Light's ear. I was shocked by such an act, blushed and banged my fist on the table for a long time. Yeah, I like watching them as a funny couple.

3. Light ran off in embarrassment with Tyrin, a priestess of Suna, the goddess of love and beauty. Somehow, miraculously, things had devolved into a rather personal conversation. Light told a bit about herself. The half elf tried to convince the fairy that she should try to open her heart again and not remember the past. Light really wants to go home.

Even I myself was amazed by this kind of conversation, even though this is my first time playing DnD. We talk to each other a lot. It brings out our characters more. And it seems like Light really fell in love~

4. …But someone clearly has trust issues, and there are many reasons for that. Because of the Shadow Plan, the fairy has emotional problems. She never feels happy or cheerful. Sveta dislikes people very much… She killed those who betrayed her and felt nothing, no conscience torments her. It scares her. I've noticed that a lot of my characters have trust issues. I need to think about it…

5. We fled the city from an angry mob of peasants. We stopped for the night in the woods on the way to the Abbey of St. Markovia. We even found Victor! Now we have a long rest. Turns out Albian can do different hairstyles (he has 2 younger sisters). Light got brave and asked him to braid her hair. He agreed.

I'm really glad he's being nice to her at all. But I've been told that he and Victor are in this story for a reason and could be very disappointing…

I love the drama and the glass eating. Thanks. I wish I hadn't been told that... 🗿

6. Right now, Light wasn't thrilled with her appearance. But Albian hinted that Victor might be able to tell her something about her problem. I already know what's haunting her. I'm freaked out by that fact. Maybe later I'll drop a hint who exactly.

7. Darcy is our dhampir. The whole group wishes she and Ismark were together. He's really paying attention to her. Albian's finished with her hair. Even added flowers.

Light is cute~ But Albian is blind and can't see that she really likes him 🗿🗿🗿

And me, of course. Some memes!~ I once stayed up all night and day. I turned into the Joker. I told jokes, screamed about crazy ending theories, about Victor, Albian, myself, panicked. The Dungeon Master just silently read my ramblings with interest... and smiled. Shook my hand in messages. I'm really scared now and I'm wondering what's going to happen next. What did I sign up for?!..

[sio-writes]

Sacrifice - Chapter 8

<Chapter 7

<<Chapter 1

Summary: This winter has been brutal, and Kyla is out of options. So, with teary eyes, she takes her best goat into the woods, hoping for some pity from whatever god finds her. And oh, she is found.

Tags: Casual alcohol consumption; NSFW; sexual manipulation through edging

Aurelius continues his routine and I continue mine, and we step around each other like ghosts, neither acknowledging the other's presence or ignoring completely. Dachaigh keeps me company while I mull over my conversation with Eodine. 

Aurelius, as it turns out, is very good at hiding, both himself and his things. Dachaigh must be in leagues with him, because after examining every book on the lower floor I still have the exact same information as last week. No other journal or anything written in Aurelius’ handwriting exists where I can reach.

The upper floors are impossible, too. When I try to reach even the closest one, just one level up, the height makes me so dizzy I can barely grab a handful of books before I fall over the railing. I go through each with a swift hand, only stopping to squint at the handwriting before moving onto the next. The process takes up my morning energy, and I quietly pray for the goat’s forgiveness in skipping their breakfast.

But each book I pull down is a dead end. Nothing. And my patience thins with each hour that drags on.

After several days of searching and coming up empty handed, I’m too frustrated to continue. I leave Aurelius’ home and walk down the river path to the changeling cottage, and they greet me with smiles and hugs.

Gregory leads me by the hand to the back of the house, where the group is engrossed in some kind of game. There’s a square folding board on the low table surrounded by an array of drinks, and in the center is a tower of wooden blocks, stacked in alternating rows of three,and several have been removed making the tower lean dangerously to the right. In the corner of the room is a phonograph, much fancier than I've ever seen, softly playing an easy tune with instruments I've never heard before. The music fills the brief pauses, carrying the conversations like boats on a wave.

Sveta offers me her seat, but I don’t know how to play the game, so I find a free spot on the end of the couch and watch until I understand the rules. 

The game starts with a person carefully removing one of the colored blocks from the tower, and written on the block is an action they must perform. If they don’t perform the action, they draw two more blocks, and then four, and then eight and so on. The most common actions involve the drinks such as adding more alcohol or finishing it off and making another, and the other actions are usually small things, like standing on one foot for the duration of the game, or only speaking in chicken squawks. I think Kimiko even threw some household chores in there, given that she smirks each time one of her blocks is drawn.

By the look of the half-empty glasses and opened bottles and tilting tower, they're nearly through with this round. They're all energetic and full of laughter, and it's hard not to laugh with them, leaning in every time someone pulls a block and the tower jolts dangerously. 

Gregory's turn is the last of this round-- he's swaying on his knees as he leans over the table, tapping on the edge of a block with short nails, leaving a single block in the center to carry all the weight above it. The moment Gregory removes his block, the tower collapses and the whole group throws jeers at him. 

Another round is set up, and Sveta turns to me. 

“Kaitlyn, you should play!” she encourages, and I chew the inside of my cheek as I consider it.

I’ve only been out drinking once or twice, when my mother and my schedule both permitted it. But the ale at the town tavern was watered down and chalky, and our tavernkeep lacked the gold for anything of higher quality, so I only needed those few trips to steer me away from the bar for good. But the drinks here are more colorful, the glass bottles of alcohol and spirits on the table remind me of the bathroom soaps that Dachaigh lets me use.

They're all looking at me expectantly, even icy Josefina is staring a challenge, and I am truly interested in this game, the rowdiness and jeering have drawn me in. I finally concede. 

“I suppose so,” I say, and Gregory jumps from the spot he’s standing in, legs fused together from the last block he chose as he hops to the kitchen.

“Whaddya like, Kate?” he shouts. 

“Anything but ale,” I respond as both Sveta and Emile crunch themselves together to make room for me.

Gregory steps out of the kitchen, walking normally and sticking his nose up at the boos and hisses of the others.

"I'm not spilling this beautiful drink," he says as he sets it in front of me. The drink is bubbly, with the top a bright cranberry-red that fades to clear at the bottom, and he's taken a wedge of lime and stuck it to the rim. 

"It's a good beginner cocktail, but you'll wanna stir it first," Gregory says, nudging my shoulder with his own and winking at me. 

I stir the drink with my finger until the whole thing is a pale pink, and then I pop my finger into my mouth. Oh! It is cranberry! And the fizziness reminds me of ale, but with a different taste, it's not bitter or lingering. I most definitely feel the burn of alcohol behind it all, but the cranberry and this sweet fizzy drink have cut through it. 

I take a long sip of my drink and Gregory rests his shoulder against mine. "You like it?" 

"I do, thank you so much."  

The next tower is set up while I sip on my drink, and I share pleasantries with Gregory and Sveta. They tell me to come visit more often, to stop by with more fruit, and it makes me feel warm that they enjoy my company. Kimiko asks about my dress, and when I tell her I made it her mouth opens on an 'O', and starts the others on a tirade of questions about how I made it. 

The dress is one from the fabric stocks from the market, a deep purple with a triangle pattern woven in. It had been one of the nicer fabrics I'd received and wanted to use right away, and their acknowledgment of my craftsmanship makes me want to hide behind my drink. I've always loved to sew.

The game starts with Sveta and goes through each person, and eventually my turn is up. I copy Josefina's method of testing a few blocks with my fingers to see if they're loose, and pull one out with ease, squinting at the small script. “Um, I have to…” I flip the block around, but that doesn’t make the words magically appear.

“My handwriting can’t be that bad,” Gregory jokes, leaning over my shoulder to examine the block.

I puff my cheeks out, indignant. “I’m still learning,” I mutter, embarrassed, but the alcohol numbs the effect.

Gregory reaches for the block, turning it back over, and making a noise of understanding. “It says you can’t speak a word for the next hour,” Gregory says, and blows a stray piece of hair from his face. “Well that’s far too easy for you. You’re as quiet as a church mouse.”

“Draw another,” Sveta says, eyes glittering. They all turn to me with the same expression as Sveta chants, “Do it, do it!” And as the rest join in, I laugh.

Their joy is infectious. I know I need to stand my ground in this world, but this feels like an exception. I’m among friends, I realize, and friends aren’t something I’ve had in years. I want them to like me, I want to gain their approval, to be part of the group even though I don’t live with them. Even Josefina is wearing a smirk as they all lean in. I draw a second block and they all cheer, and it’s hard not to smile at their energy. 

This block is much easier to read: Take a shot. “What’s a shot?”

“It’s a swig of pure alcohol,” Kimiko says.

“That…sounds horrible,” I say, and the others laugh as if I’ve made a joke.

“It is,” Kimiko says, nodding. “That’s why you gotta drink it fast.”

Emile holds up two large bottles, both nearly empty save for a few fingers of clear liquid in the bottom. “Tequila or vodka?”

My head is already pleasantly swimming from the drink Gregory made me, and my words come out before I have a chance to think, “Whichever will get me drunk faster.”

This isn't like me, I usually think before I speak. Should I be worried about what they may get me to do if I become too drunk? My gut tells me 'no' but my gut is also requesting more alcohol, so I'm not sure how trustworthy it is at the moment.

“Tequila, definitely,” Emile says, handing me the bottle in his right hand. It smells foul when I bring it to my nose, and I wonder if the other one would’ve been any better.

"Oo-- wait!" Gregory bounces up and jumps into the kitchen, and comes back with a sliver of lime and the table salt. "Do it this way, makes it easier to swallow."

Sveta snickers behind her hand and Gregory flips her off before showing me the process. Salt on the hand first, then tequila, then bite down on the lime. At first glance it seems like a lot, but I manage to do everything in the right order. The tequila tastes foul, but it warms my belly as it goes down.

The game continues for another hour, another round of drinks and even more shots. There’s laughter and gossip and chatter all around, and it’s easy to fall back and let it take me wherever it needs to go. I’m giddy, I feel lighter than air, I want to spread myself over the couch and take a nap.

Eventually, the game is abandoned in favor of conversation. They’re not confined to a single place like I am, lucky bastards. They can go to and from the market, learn magic on their own time, and even meet up with other fae without worrying about a hulking guardian in their shadow.

Their looks are deceiving as well. Sveta is nearly three times my age, and Gregory claims he was brought here nearly forty years ago.

I originally came here for a break, but maybe they have answers for me. I wait for a lull in conversation before asking, “Do you all know anything about Aure— the forest god?”

“Only that he’s terrifying,” Gregory says, laughing. “But he’s very important. Oversees the forests everywhere.”

I scoot forward. “Has he ever brought another human here?”

Gregory squints. “I dunno. Sveta you’ve been here the longest, has he ever brought a human back?”

Sveta’s head falls heavily to the side as she purses her lips. “Not that I remember.”

Kimiko mutters behind me, “He probably ate them.”

Gregory balks. “Kimi! That’s not nice.”

“What? We’re all thinking it! He’s the most powerful god this side of the world, and he picks a single human to shack up with? Of course there was one before, there’s probably hundreds he brought back! They probably realized how horrifying he is and tried to take off, and he ate them!”

The others laugh, but Emile hums in thought. “That sounds awfully sad,” he says. “To seek out companionship in another only to have them leave.”

Emile has been almost as quiet as I’ve been this evening. Not brooding, but observing. I get the feeling he’s very studious, maybe he could help me learn to read.

“That’s on him, though,” Josefina says. “That’s not the humans’ problem.”

“How do you get rid of something ingrained into your very being, though?”

Kimiko kicks her feet onto the table, brushing several blocks to the floor. “Don’t know, don’t care. Do you wanna live with him?”

“No, but I know someone who already does,” he says, nodding his head towards me.

I move to rub my arm, but overshoot and my hand winds up wrapping around the side and back. "I don't think he's all bad. Kind of pushy, but not cruel."

"Interesting," Kimiko says, leaning forward. "Tell us more.”

My face is already flushed from the alcohol, but I feel it growing steadily worse the longer the group looks at me, and that urge to please them comes back. I tell them what I can, about the house with its winding halls and nonsense layout. I tell them how Aurelius leaves me alone most of the day, of the animals I tend to and the library where I sleep. Telling them feels like unclogging a stream, the words flow forth  and before I know it I’m speaking of our relationship— the woes we’ve been having recently.

I finish my tirade with a huge sigh, letting my chin fall into my hand. “How do I make him listen?”

“How have you gotten his attention in the past?”

I flush as I remember. “Sex, usually.”

“Then do that!”

“Isn’t that…not right?”

She scoffs. “You’re a woman! You have to use what the gods gave you. Besides, you’re not dealing with a regular human, or even a standard fair folk. You’re bargaining with a god.”

I mull over her words for far too long, and GRegory claps me over the shoulder. “Kimi’s right, you’ve got to use what you’re given.”

I hum, thinking it over. It doesn’t sit easy in my stomach, but it’s the only thing I haven’t tried yet, the only thing left. I don’t want to manipulate Aurelius through this, but what other choice has he given me?

Sveta’s eyes glitter as she says, “Let us know how it works out.”

***

The walk back and a skein of water clears my head enough for me to walk up the stairs and navigate the halls back to the library. It's still difficult; the sun has long since gone down and I've never navigated the path in the dark before, let alone walking it backwards and slightly inebriated. But I make it back, carefully stepping around a each book I’d tossed aside.

We haven’t spoken since he confessed his love for me. Would he be suspicious of my actions? Pick up on the deception? Even thinking of deceiving Aurelius through such a manner makes my mouth sour. I tip the remaining water into my mouth and swallow as I think.

He’s not listened to me in a way that matters, not since we came here. I want him to hear me, to see me as more than a pet or trinket to be toted around. I’m not a handbag, and he needs to see things my way. If the only way is to train his attention on something else while I get what I need, then so be it.

And I’m pretty enough to pull this off! My hair is clean and my skin unblemished, my frame isn’t too manish from chores or my nails dirty. I’m decent at sex, I suppose I could be better, more confident in my abilities. The show I’d put on for Aurelius at the altar had been a good start, but what else is there?

The world tilts as I swing my legs over the sill and stand far too fast, but I have my wits about me in a moment’s time. I can do this, I can.

The door to Aurelius’ room is heavier than I remember, but I may be weaker at the moment. Still, it slides open without a sound and I step into the warm air of his quarters.

I whisper to the room, “Aurelius?”

No response. Listening, I hear the slow, steady rhythm of his breathing. Perfect.

As I crawl into the nest and around Aurelius' huge sleeping animal body, he rouses awake.

“Kyla…?” He says, voice low, lifting his head to look at me. He stills, taking in my nudity. “Are you hurt?”

He surges forward, inky arms coming from his form to pat me down. They're warm from sleep, warmer than usual, soft and attentive in their motions.

“I’m fine, I’m fine! I just…” I trail off, shifting my weight from foot to foot. No, this won't do. Confidence. If I want something, I have to take it. I grab one of the hands that was patting me down and hold it to my breast.

Aurelius pauses, parsing my meaning, and a low, pleased growl making me and the whole nest shiver. Without another word, shadowy tendrils pick me up off the ground, holding my wrists together and my legs apart. I kick and thrash with what little movement I'm allowed as Aurelius grabs one of my feet and presses my knee to my chest. “Wait!” 

He stops immediately, hovering over me in that massive, animalistic form. “Is this not part of the game?”

I shake my head, deciding to unpack that comment later, and give him my best pout. “I want to play a different game. Would you lie back for me?”

He stares at me for a long moment, before releasing me from his grasp and setting me down on the floor. “As you wish,” he says quietly. His form shrinks to the one I’m familiar with, the shadowy cloak falling away to reveal the rest of his body. Still like a man’s body, with long limbs and dark skin that blends into the shadows and shimmers out of focus the longer I look at it. His skin is rough like cloth, and the muscle underneath flexes as he moves.

“You weren’t here today,” he says, keeping his gaze on me as I throw my dress over my head. It lands in a far corner of the nest, where I can get to it later.

"I was with friends," I reply quietly.

"The humans," he growls, and I nod. "You're supposed to stay here."

"I’m not doing that," I say, surprising myself with how firm my voice is.

Aurelius doesn't ask me anything further after that. He remains reclined like I asked, but I see his hands flexing against the floor as I step forward and spread my fingers over his belly.

“Why don’t you show me this more?” I ask as I run my hand up his stomach. I’m so preoccupied with seeing him— truly seeing him since that first time— that I nearly miss how his breath hitches at my touch. My heart skips over itself in nervousness. This is going to be easy.

“What is this new game?” He asks instead, long hands wrapping around my wrist and pulling me forward. My hand glides up over his ribs, past his chest to land on his shoulder.

“It’s called, uh, bartering,” I say.

Aurelius stares at me, and says flatly, “I know what bartering is.”

I grin, showing my teeth. “Wonderful! Then you already know how to play.”

I swing my leg over his hips and smooth my hands up his chest. I can't lose myself to him this time, I need my wits about me if I want this to go the way I need it to. The notion of what I’m about to do as some sort of transaction has that sour feeling returning, but I push it back. As much as I don’t like it, this is how we fit together, there isn’t an alternative. 

My heart lurches again-- even when I’m just sitting on him, I can already feel him hardening against my ass. 

"I give you something," I say, reaching behind my back and blindly feeling until my hand wraps around his cock. "You give me something back."

Aurelius doesn't immediately respond, and even props himself up on his arms like he means to throw me off. Instead, he leans forward, reaching out a hand as if to cup my face. But he stops at the last moment, so close I can feel the heat of his skin, and pulls his hand back and lowers himself to the floor. 

"Alright," he mumbles, almost too low for me to hear, and he sounds sad. I need to fix that.

I throw my leg back over his hips so I'm kneeling at his side, and I grasp his half-hard cock with both hands. My fingers don't meet at the widest part and even with stacked fists the head of him breaches my fingers. He's still as big as I remember him. 

He hardens fully at my touch, and I'm flattered that he still feels this way, I was so sure I'd ruined myself for him. I want to meet his starry eyes, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's too much, but I have to push forward. 

I shift my hand down so I can lick over the tip, tonguing the sensitive underside as I gently squeeze my hands. He tastes of iron, sharp and subtle, and smells like the forest. I take the head of him into my mouth and he gasps, the hand closest to me resting on the back of my head, brushing my hair away from my face, and I want him to leave it there, to guide me because I have no idea what I’m doing, but that’s not part of this game.

I pull off with a wet noise, spit lewdly trailing from my lips to his cock, and I frown up at him. “No, hands down.”

Immediately, his hand disentangles from my hair, and I do want the warmth back, but I can focus better like this. The branching antlers at the back of his head have his head set at an odd angle, but even with his snout pointed towards the ceiling, I can feel his gaze on me, watching.

I swallow hard. His gaze is intense, it makes me want to perform well. Like when he watched me strip, I want to please him, I want to surprise him somehow. 

I squeeze my thighs together as I lean forward and take his cock into my mouth again, releasing my top hand so I can take it further down. The lowest I can go without gagging is only halfway, so I move my hands in time with my head to make up the difference. 

At the contact, Aurelius chokes a noise, shifting his hips again as I bob my head at a slow, steady pace. 

I learn quickly that he enjoys certain things: attention on the head, and a forceful pace over a faster one. I have no idea if this is working, or if I’m even doing this right, but I follow the sounds he makes, the noises he swallows down. 

The only time I ever heard about this sort of fucking was gossip with the ladies of town. They spoke of how unpleasant it was, how their husbands always wanted it. But I don’t find this unpleasant. I only have to worry about the growing arousal between my legs which is easy to ignore, leaving me able to focus on Aurelius. His hips twitch when I squeeze my hands, his claws are pulling up that layer of down on the floor, and his breathing is almost in time with my movements. 

This is a heady feeling, I realize as I twist my hands and run my tongue over his head again, tasting salt and heat. Aurelius gasps beneath me, and another bead of precome blooms over my tongue. I wait for another, when his breathing turns ragged and his legs begin to shake, to pull away with an obscene sound.

He groans to the ceiling, and his cock twitches in my hands. He turns his head down to me fully, and huffs a breath through his nose.

"Why did you stop?"

My smile is easy, and my heart is racing. "I need something from you."

"Kyla…" he warns, his voice a low growl. I frown, but I'm frowning at myself. I must not have done well enough.

I sit up and straddle his hips, lifting myself onto my knees and positioning the glistening head of his cock at my entrance. The position forces me to settle the rest of my weight on my free hand, which I place directly over his heart. "Please?" I ask, pouting.

Before he can respond, I sink my hips down. It's not without pain, but I can push it to the back of my mind for now. The moment I settle my weight on his hips, Aurelius moans outright, something I haven't heard before. 

While I adjust, my hazy mind grinds away. I can't ask about the other human right out of the gate, I'll need a smaller favor so this doesn't backfire. I rest my other hand next to the first, and I feel his heartbeat like a bird underneath my fingers.

"I want more magic." 

Aurelius rests his hands on my waist. "Of course."

"Hands down," I order, and he starts like he's been shocked. His hands hover over my legs for a breath, before he sets them back on the ground, palms against the floor. I shiver at the rush of power that moves through me. I grind my hips forward and back, chasing my own pleasure on that rush, disregarding why I started this and instead finding something else. 

Oh, how I've missed this. The few times we've had sex since I've been here have been so…emotionally charged, like electricity beneath my fingers, here one moment and gone the next. But this, this is heat under my skin, the sun against my face, a spiraling pool of pleasure where I don't have to worry about any negative emotions. It's like the first time.

"Gods, this feels good," I moan, and Aurelius bucks beneath me. 

Slowly I gain my faculties, slowing my hips and eventually stopping. “Will you teach me more magic?”

He groans, a fist thumping against the floor. “When I have the time.”

I roll my hips once and he twitches like I've hit him. “That’s not an answer.”

He exhales, and I feel the strain in his muscles as he remains still. "Whatever you want."

I grind my hips slowly. "I want more magic."

"Of course."

I reward him with an agonizingly slow pace, and I have to hold back a laugh as he shudders beneath me. His hips are moving with mine, little thrusts he can't control that shove his cock that much deeper into me. It pushes the air from my lungs, and spurs me on. "Are you going to give it to me?"

"Yes," he breathes. "Yes, I will."

This is dangerous. I feel powerful, untouchable. I could ask him for anything-- no, I could command him to do anything, and he'd be at my mercy. This all-powerful god is like wet clay in my hands.

But then, like a clap of lightning, I remember that he's lied to me, that he's toted me around like an object, treated me like an afterthought. I remember why I'm doing this, and all the heat under my skin, all the arousal and feeling of power, pops. My stomach churns as I realize I can't bring myself to finish this.

I stop all movement, slipping forward and off his cock, and he whines. "Kyla…"

"Will you—“

“Now,” Aurelius growls. 

Despite the ice in my veins, the nest is getting warmer by the second, and I'm not sure how much longer he's going to last. It's now or never. “Was there another human before me?”

The very air freezes with the next thump of my heart. 

“Where did you get that idea?” he says slowly, and I want to slam my hands on his chest. The fair folk won’t lie, but that doesn't mean they aren't capable. 

“Tell me and I’ll let you come,” I say, pushing my hips back until I feel the hard length of him pressing against my ass. I'm losing control of the situation fast. I need answers.

Aurelius growls, and there’s a timbre to it, pitched low and dangerous. He used this on Gregory when he took me away from the market, and again when he brought me back. He’s angry. Not the fun, teasing anger that arouses me, but the hard, volatile anger of an ancient god with an ego.

“Who told you?” he asks, voice quiet and dangerous, which only sparks my anger brighter.

“You lied to me,” I press, leaning forward and bracing my hands on his chest. “So what happened?” And when Aurelius doesn’t reply, my anger comes out full force. “Did you eat them? Kill them? Tell me!"

Aurelius sits up in a flash, and I tumble to the side of the nest. As I fumble to my hands and knees, angry tears prick at my eyes. "What else are you keeping from me? What else have you lied about?!" I stand on shaking legs and wipe the tears as they fall.

Aurelius rights himself, sitting, and crosses his arms over his chest. "It was for your protection."

"It's for your protection!"

"Don't be ridicu-- Kyla!" He tries to stop me as I snatch my dress and storm out as fast as my legs will allow me. I take the barest of moments to pull the dress over my head before I'm fleeing Dachaigh and headed towards the Forest of Souls.

I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here. And I know of a place where he'll never find me again.

I don't have any books, any extra clothes, I don't even have food or water, but I don't care. Anything is better than staying here for another minute.

I'm several dozen steps towards the forest when I pause to catch my breath. I ran all the way through Dachaigh to get out, and I ran until I was under moonlight and then some more. I'm nearly to the treeline, that soft lilting melody calling to me again, when I look back.

Dachaigh still towers up to the heavens, an obelisk in the nighttime air, as if she's swallowing the sky itself.

With space to think now, I'm hit with a pang of melancholy. I can't consider this place home, but living within those walls has been comfortable. Dachaigh is a good friend, and when Aurelius was there I enjoyed his company. It wasn't enough, but what little I did get, I treasured. The animals will miss me, I think, and I'll miss the routine. Mortimer may wonder where I've gone, and I wonder how long it will take him to realize that I'm not coming back. I won't be able to see Gregory, or Sveta, or Kimiko. I'll even miss Josefina's tilted smirks.

I turn back to the forest, and run straight into a solid shadow.

“Where are you going?” Aurelius asks, arms crossed over his chest. He's pulled himself to his full height, towering over me and blocking my line of sight to the forest. He's wearing the traveling cloak he always does, although it's askew over his shoulders as if he rushed to put it on. I stumble back, if only to allow myself space to breathe.

“I…I…”

He tilts his head like a bird, this way and that, getting a better look at me, and says again, angrily, “I ask again: Where are you going?”

I straighten, solid in my confidence. “I’m leaving.”

“You can’t,” he says simply.

I scoff. “And why not?”

“I will find you.”

“Not if I want to be lost!”

He growls, the sound reminding me of a predator. “I will not let you.”

“Like hell you will!” I push past him, making a wide arc and trying to run again.

I’m only a handful of steps past Aurelius when his large arm wraps over my waist and yanks me back. He pulls me into his body, his head above me, and he laughs. It's a chilling sound, his great jaw opening and his teeth gleaming in the moonlight. “You think you can escape me? I’ve already marked you as mine.”

I struggle against his grip the same way an insect struggles against a spider's web. “I don’t want it! I want to leave!” I push myself out of his grasp and the second I hit the ground, I start to run.

“Kyla!” He shouts, but I keep running. Almost there, almost there! “You will listen to me!”

“I’m done!” I shout back, and it hurts, oh it hurts so much to say. I’m leaving both Aurelius and my heart on the ground in front of his home. "I'm done with the whims of a single forest god!"

He catches up easily, and I'm back to struggling against his grip again. His growl shakes the trees, rumbles the very ground I'm standing on. “I am the god of every forest.”

“You do not have domain over me!” I struggle in his vice-like grip, tears streaming down my face. I was so close, so close. “Get the fuck off—I hate you!”

Aurelius pauses, and I know I hit a nerve. I didn't mean it-- it just came out. I want to correct myself, but I struggle to find the point. It's what it took for Aurelius to let me go.

The grass is wet and cold beneath my bare feet as he gently sets me down. I gather my skirts in one hand-- it'll make my trek through the underbrush quicker.

"If you wish to leave," he starts, slowly releasing me from his grasp and angling me towards the wood.

The quick change in his demeanor throws me off course. I snap my head around to look at him, and I see that he's shrinking down, skull transforming from that sharp-toothed predator I saw at the market and into his normal deer.

"Then go," he snaps, jaw clicking shut.

I take a step forward. The forest is pitch black, I can't make out anything beyond the treeline. The energy wafting from it is dangerous, yet tempting. I could truly get lost in there. Alone for eternity.

Even still, I look back at Aurelius. He's sat on the ground, legs curled up, long arms wrapped around them. His great head rests on his knees, angled towards me, watching. Not like a predator about to pounce, but a creature resigned to its own pain. When he sits on the ground like this, only his antlers are taller than me.

I look back to the forest, and I hear her whispering call, a lullaby to lure me into the depths of this ancient, consuming wood. Closing my eyes, I sway to the soft tune, a melody that rolls over itself, transforming and rearranging. It wants me to play, wants me to join them.

The spell is broken, interrupted by a low whine, like an injured animal. It's coming from behind me, and I suck in a breath as I turn just far enough to see Aurelius out of the corner of my eye. He's still sitting on the ground, watching me, and I'm hit with a realization.

I don't want to leave him, not forever. I want to get away from this harmful, sticky relationship that we're in. One where I have to get him mad to make him listen to me. Where he doesn't take me seriously until I threaten to harm myself.

Without a word, I close the distance between us. He remains still, even when I grab his great skull with both hands. His voice is barely audible, "I will miss you terribly." 

And heaving a sigh, his form melts into the ground, along with it his skull, which shrinks down. He's making himself small for my benefit again.

This is the Aurelius I want to talk to. The understanding, calm one, as opposed to the volatile, angry god I've been interacting with.

I sigh through my nose, and avoid the urge to sit with him, standing my ground. I haven't fully decided to stay, not yet. "What happened to the other humans you brought here, Aurelius?"

Sensing my hesitation, Aurelius leans into my touch, but I'm not ready for that yet, so I pull away and let my hands rest at my side. I need the truth, even if it's just to know why.

"There was only one before you," he says. "It was just as I've said: he ran in fear. I lost him in the woods." Again, he tries to knock my arm with his head in his form of intimacy, but I twist away from it. He rears his head up in offense, but when I make no moves to reciprocate, he rests his chin back over his knees. 

"You lied to me," I say.

"I did."

"Why?"

It’s a long, quiet moment before he answers slowly, "I did not want the cycle of time to roll over again. I asked him the same that I asked you, and he said yes. So, I brought him here. " 

His head tilts the other way, resting on his folded arms. "And he hated it here, as you do. He hated our home, hated this place. Recoiled at my touch and refused to speak to me. And then one morning, he was gone." He shifts uncomfortably. "But you called me beautiful, and I thought this time would be different. I knew once I had you that I'd never find another. So I did everything with you that I didn’t with him. I gave you space, let you be. I was just happy to have our home filled with life again." 

I look back to the woods as I turn his words over in my head. The temptation to leave has weakened, but I can still feel it. Eodine's words float back to me: No one would ever bother you anymore.

And that doesn't sound bad. Peaceful, even. But would I enjoy that life? Is that the way I want to live? I'd be alone, forever. I'd never see another human, or even another soul, for that matter, and I don't want to take a path like that. Could I live without companionship for eternity? I was willing to give up my entire life for this god to stay by my side. 

I sigh, to myself and the world around me. No matter what path I take, a path away from Aurelius would be…lacking. I'd miss him terribly, just as he'd miss me. 

I run my thumb along a line of silver in Aurelius' antlers, the shape closer to the branch of a tree than any kind of animal. He's shown me so little of himself, but I haven't shown him much of myself either. If we have the rest of eternity together, I'd like the chance to know him better, and let him know me. 

"Aurelius…" I say, sighing. "I'm not afraid of you. But you treat me like an object. I'm not a pet."

“I taught you magic,” he says. “I involved you in the festival planning and brought you gifts. I wouldn’t do that for a pet.”

I sigh, pushing a lock of hair from my face. "I sleep alone, I eat alone, and I live my life in that library, alone. When we're actually together it feels like you're a ghost. You cart me around like a child and treat me like—" I stop myself, my air coming out in a rush. "You asked me to plan your festival and then discounted all of my notes."

"But it is tradition to lay the vendors a certain way," he says, tone soft and conversational. 

I roll my eyes. "Is it tradition to bring a human into your home?"

He pauses, which tells me that he hadn’t considered it. "I suppose not," he says. 

He did remember that I wanted to learn magic, something I mentioned nearly a month ago; he chased after me thinking I had been stolen, and put a tracking spell on me so he’d never lose me again. He thinks he loves me, and whatever that may mean truly, to him it's something important.

He sighs, mimicking me with a dramatic heave of his shoulders. "Much of the time, I am a stone in the river, pushing everything around me and unable to change my own path. I was trying to give you space so you would want to remain here, so you weren't afraid."

That makes sense, in a strange, Aurelius-esque way. It’s almost sweet, him realizing that his presence frightens others and taking steps to minimize it. I rest my hands over top one of his, and he turns his palm sideways to curl his fingers around mine.

"You left me alone," I mutter. “You know I don’t like that.”

"You weren't alone."

I try not to roll my eyes or smile. He said it so genuinely. "Dachaigh isn't you."

He speaks slowly, as if in realization, "You…prefer me." 

He sounds so surprised that I can't help but laugh. “I do.”

“You want to be with me.”

I snort. "All the power you wield, and you couldn’t piece together that I enjoy your company."

"You want to eat meals with me."

"I do."

"You want to sleep with--" I cover his snout with my hands, laughing.

"Yes, yes, you big dummy! I like being around you, except when you're being rude and pushy. I like this world you've brought me to, and the home you’ve opened up to me. I like--" I stop and bite my tongue before I say something lewd.

But the stars in his eyes sparkle as he asks, "Yes?"

And I'm very bad at denying him. "I like getting you so angry that you fuck me within an inch of my life."

He chuffs. "There are other ways to get me to fuck you."

"But," I flush, looking resolutely at his bony snout and not his eyes. "I enjoy that way."

He hums, low and approving. "Because you are mine."

"Yes," I say softly, enjoying the word on my tongue. "At least, I want to be."

"Then you are," he says, leaning forward to knock my head with his, but he stop halfway, waiting for me. I reach out my arms and pull him forward, closing the gap. My temple gently taps the side of his head, and warmth curls in my chest at the contact.

"This is called a truce. I'm giving you another chance." Even saying it has me feeling lighter. I have confidence in Aurelius, I know he can do better. I've seen it.

He hums. “How am I to repay you?" 

I let my head fall against his chest, and I can feel his heartbeat in my ear, quick yet strong. "Not everything is a debt to be paid." 

"It is here." His voice vibrates through his chest.

"Not between us." Not anymore. I feel the very spark of my being, maybe it's my soul, release all the tension I'd been holding for the past month as I relax into Aurelius.

The pull of the forest, that steady, whispering voice that promised me a life of solitude, is gone.

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

THAT'S NOT A THING. PEOPLE ADDICTION IS NOT A THING. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. SHES SLIGHTLY CLINGY MAYBE AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. SHE'S NOT EVEN THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE TEAM WHO'S CLINGY. THEY AREN'T SCRUTINIZING SVETA FOR HER ATTACHMENT TO VICTORIA AND WELD. YOU KNOW WHY NOT? BECAUSE BEING CLINGY ISN'T UNHEALTHY OR A MORAL FAILING OR ANYTHING IF THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH WANTS TO ENGAGE ON THAT SAME LEVEL OF AFFECTION AND ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET KENZIE CARE ABOUT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[booksandchainmail]

Pale 9.4

Okay, so it's been a minute. I actually got about halfway through this chapter, took a quick break since I was tired and the next bit seemed like it needed my full attention, and then instead of finishing it I watched all of Yellowjackets. Anyways. Went back and reread both the chapter and my comments, so hopefully this is cohesive

If it was good to have a spare knife as a just-in-case, then by very similar logic, she could and should bring both knives, in addition to the weapon ring. How aggressive did she want to be, this patrol? Or in general?

something we've come back to a couple of times with Lucy is her making a decision not to become a fighter, but getting drawn into anyways. After first meeting John she was shaken and wanted to stay away from violence, but then got the weapon ring and training from Guilherme. And at the school she distanced herself from "Faerie swordfighter" and picked a different style for her implement, but has still wound up here.

She’d last used a dog tag to call John to the Blue Heron conflict.  She’d brought it and she’d used it and she’d known, all of those things in their own desperate, decisive, calculating, and cornered ways.  She’d known what she was doing.

ah. Bringing the knife along feels like it means being prepared to take lethal measures in the same way summoning John does. And now she's seen the end result of that decision.

With her other hand, almost unconsciously, she opened her drawer at the front of the desk.  She let the knife go over the edge and into the desk drawer.  She adjusted it so it lay flat, then closed the drawer.

I'm glad she made this choice, but I don't think it's the last time we'll see it. The issue with choosing to put down a weapon as a practitioner is that there's never going to stop being situations that ask if you want to pick it back up

Verona was great at ideas and great at the point where she could sit down and execute something really well, or create stuff like Avery’s deer mask or the earring, but there was a gap between those two things.  A middle ground where execution and brainstorming got really blurry.

I can see this, Verona struggling with actually making a plan, as opposed to coming up with concepts or carrying out the final plan. Which is why being a team works well: under normal circumstances, Lucy and Avery can workshop Verona's wild ideas into something possible

And it was wearing on her and it was frustrating her and the way it sat with her was making her into someone she didn’t want to be. Someone who was harsh and defensive and fangs-out, as she’d once said to Booker.  Or someone toothless when it counted, who let the Alexanders or Bristows win. There didn’t feel like there was much middle ground.

maybe let the others take this on? Lucy has been shouldering a lot of the emotional burden of making these calls, and particularly in being the person who is the most cautious and ready for conflict. The issue there though is in trusting Avery or Verona to be careful enough, which I think Lucy also struggles with

Burrs and nettles stood out at her left forelimb, along with colorful petals, she noted.  Nothing to be done about that for now.  Better to ignore it.

on the one hand, I hate the idea that this might be permanent. On the other hand, could be a neat aesthetic. I miss Blake and Sveta's tattoos.

When she was shadow or rain or smoke she wasn’t one body, but a collective body.  This was the same. Five foxes that moved in darkness. Through the fence, past the school, across the road, into woodland. Moving faster than a fox ran, splitting apart to take better paths, uniting again.

oh fuck yeah.

I mean, I'm deeply worried about what would happen if one of these foxes got hurt or captured, but this is so incredibly cool

Her trust had been broken and as much as she didn’t want to be the type to dwell on this stuff, Avery had gotten up to something with Pam, and it had been Lucy who’d had to deliver the reality check, and she still resented that. Even if they had been better since.

hmmm. I've talked about the extra work Lucy is doing keeping an eye out for this stuff, and I'm now wondering how much of that is self-inflicted? I know I can fall into a trap of micromanaging something someone else is doing, and then resenting feeling like I have to take over or take extra precautions to make sure things work out, instead of letting them handle it. And mostly the lesson there for me is to relax and step back and trust that other people have things covered, even if it's not the exact same way I would do it. Of course, the issue with applying that lesson here is that the stakes are so much higher, and it's hard to ever see extra precautions as over the top.

Lucy inhaled, smelling her friend with an animal’s nose, relaxing a bit, and letting her guard down.  Making herself let her guard down, some. Another fox of shadow approached Avery, and Avery touched her head, smiling down. She ran muzzle and face along Avery’s hip.

awww

Or these nettles… the colors and barbs wouldn’t cling to you so much if you didn’t secretly like them.

like I said, cool aesthetic

A fourth fox watched everything from a tree branch above, keeping one eye on the surroundings, paranoid, looking for trouble. And the fifth stared at John, a distance between them. He’d put the gun down but she didn’t take her eyes off it.

interesting division of self here: one for each of her friends, one for a fascinating but dangerous ally, one to keep watch, and one looking at the source of her trauma

“I know, and I think Avery does too.  And I’ve got to find my role, I don’t know.  One I can live with.  A way to do stuff that makes a difference that isn’t…”  She looked at John’s back, as he led the way.  “…carrying a weapon-ringed gun and dreading I might actually have to shoot someone that can die.”

I've talked before about having Lucy as the point person, just not in a combat sense. The negotiator, the voice of the group, the planner and leader...

“Want me to carry it instead?” Verona asked.

oh I love that instantaneous offer

“I gotta break it to you, Ronnie, you’d hate it as much or more than I do.  You’re just unaware of what you’re feeling until it kicks you in the head or stomach.”

but this is a fair point. I think we've seen that with Bristow, that once it settled in Verona had a rough time dealing with it. Not processing it in the moment is useful in and of itself, but it's not like Lucy has been freezing up in combat either, so that's not really an advantage for Verona. We haven't seen how Avery would handle killing, but I can't imagine it would be any better for her.

“Part of it is that the end of summer’s a deadline, and who doesn’t think better as a deadline draws nearer?”

big mood

“It’s meant to be casual, just solidifying what we’ve already got,” Avery said, “but I don’t want to be too boring.  I was thinking it’d be neat to perform the ritual on a Path.  You’re invited, of course.”

very sweet that Avery seems to be treating this as a platonic form of marriage

“Heyy!” Verona greeted one of the approaching goblins.  “Little guy!” Lucy had seen the goblin in the meeting. He perked up on seeing her. “What’s that bit of paper?”

does he still have the dick drawing? aww

Lucy reached over, then took the watch.  It was fogged up, to the point the hands didn’t show.  She turned it over, then clipped it around her backpack strap.

And here she's deliberately not picking the knife

Kennet Others had stopped here and carried the Carmine Furs from the Ruins to their vehicle.  They’d taken that vehicle down to the west end of town, nearly hit Clementine, and then fled rather than engage.  Clementine had had the chance to pick it up, declined, and three teenagers had grabbed it instead.  They hadn’t made it far.

Ok, so the red streaks are from moving the Furs back in arc 5? Or are they more recent? Lucy notes they still look wet... Maybe the Others who moved it put it back, or moved it again by the same route?

This didn’t feel like something that extended from that.  This felt like a side effect… because the staining was thick, and it looked like something had painted a heavy streak near the tunnel, slipping off or out of a vehicle sometime tonight, had come to the tunnel, and then headed South, into Kennet.

ah, so the new streaks are unrelated. Though at a guess they've ended up at the same place due to the violence aura from the Furs

“It likes the points where the Carmine staining is thickest,” Lucy said.  “It came from the road to this tunnel, where they moved the furs, and it makes sense it would go to the Arena.”

yeah! I wonder if whatever this is will turn up new areas with heavy staining? Depending on what it is, it's probably wildly unethical to let it roam around first, but that could be useful to find where the Furs were/are hid

“Because there’s this whole thing with local police that happened a few years ago. Kennet had its own police force, and they dropped that for the provincial police instead. I remember my brother talking really seriously about it. That it made them faceless, it meant they didn’t know us, know our town."

not great! I mean, doesn't feel good seeing cops around in general, but state police rather than local feels worse imo.

“You wanted to know if there were any people new to Kennet who didn’t fit in.  With the rising crime rate that we’ve got with the Carmine thing…” “More officers from out of town?” John asked.

we've seen practitioners worming their way into police before, not sure if I remember any Others doing so? And it's a useful cover to come in to Kennet

To Matthew and Edith’s house. Before she’d even landed, her earring gave her an earful.

oooh! something to look forward to reading tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to build up some momentum this week.

[meggigoering]

📖September 28, 2023

🦈We have a new entertainment. The stinky stopped interfering his chemistry with delicious urine supplements. Now the mustard gas in our apartment is as clean as a tear. The stinky moron is a moron, so he believes that such a hellish concentrate can spread around the apartment imperceptibly. It's full of pus lungs, and it feels like they've been full of bricks in the chest. And the eyes are completely covered with pus. Me and the dogs got sick from this fucking pneumonia, and we walk like rabbits with red eyes. Sergei Mikhailovich Shumilov's stinky smells a stream from his nose and lungs, but the stinky moron does not give up. His ass burns to the fullest, together with his girlfriend Shumilova Tatiana Vladimirovna, so the poisoners cut their chemistry to the maximum. I hope our neighbors will crucify him for this when they find out what is so delicious in the general ventilation of the house entrance. Me and my dogs recognized this smell, we were treated by this crap by another friend of "mother" Shumilova Tatiana Vladimirovna - Dr. Svetlana Fomina, who on the blue eye still took money from me for renting an apartment where we breathed this shit. In short, only these oligophrens - the Orekhovskaya gang family of the Shumilovs, Sveta Fomina with Asya Ramazanova, and their best friend Ali Uzdenov, who supplies them with this shit, naively believe that the poisoning is imperceptible and will not leave traces. Photos with ulcers and tests of my dogs have already flown around the investigative units and veterinarians. Now I have the same ulcers on my face, and the tests have already been drawn in full. The fact is that the mustard gas very characteristically changes the picture of blood, and in principle it is not difficult to find out what ozonated me and my dogs here. I would say that the unique trace left by the mustard gas in the blood of the poisoned person cannot be confused with anything. Only Uzdenov and his Orekhovsjaya family believe that they are clean. There's nothing surprising about that! The mustard gas, as I used to write, provokes a cruel runny nose, so the stinky does not feel his stench himself, it has snot to the knee. It is not surprising that Uzdenov with his employees and friends Ramazanova, Fomina, and Tanyushka Shumilova do not taste the odor, while their whole backs are in shit. These are all cruel jokes of the mustard gas, they beat off the aromas of even the very last shit.

The very juicy point for this community of professional stinky possums, that this mustard gas smell my grandfather, the genuine son of Mikhail Iiyuch Tolstoy and Elena Lvovna Koutchubei, who died in the same apartment from lung gangrene, which started as an acute pneumonia before, and my grandmother, the genuine daughter of Roman Ivanovich Bagration and Elena Aleksandrovna Volkonskaya-Rakhmanova, who suddenly fell ill and died with a series of heart attacks, would easily recognize. I would also laugh at coincidences, only an episode of beating me by a stinky until an ovarian rupture and a stomach bruise was handed over to the investigative department at the place of my grandmother's death. Actually, on this topic, a visit from the criminal investigation of the Samara Central Board took place to the long-suffering apartment on Maslennikova 16-13. If the personal visit of the slaughter department of the Samarsky glavk didn't reach the stinky, don't wait for miracles from publications on social media.

The fact that the stinky began to pour chemistry again was also clear from the way his theatrical inflammation of cunning sharply worsened again. And he pricks in his ass, and his heart hurts, and he will die soon. Like an opossum that pretends to be dead, exating the stench of dokhlyatina, opens one eye to watch the theatrical effect, the stinky performs the same thing. The beast is the beast.

Their ass burns to the fullest, that's why they try to finish me quickly, and, as it seems to them, cleverly, and imperceptibly finish me off. Now they are pouring shock doses of mustard gas, thank God now there is no stinky urine, and for some incomprehensible reason it seems to them that it is imperceptible. Poor Uzdenov, the man did not expect that his work to treat my teeth would go to dust. The creation of a beautiful bite of the future corpse of my future substitute did not lead to the desired result, but led to the transfer of the criminal case from Istra (where NP Bunkovo together with A1 are still in happily ignorance that there is a criminal case, judging by the answers they wrote to the FSB - they were sent to me, I read everything, laughed for a long time), to the glorious city of Samara, where there are still some morons from the Orekhovskaya gang family, who were settled in my inherited apartment, not at all embarrassed that the "dad" chosen to me does not look like, to put it mildly, to my dad, and even expertise is not required for this, since the absence of biological kinship of this character with my biological ancestors - grandparents and their ancestors, can obviously be seen with the naked eye. So the case was transferred to Samara for my house in Istra under a slaughter article. Now I'm sitting airing the apartment again, and with the first horse I'm already rushing to decide on the issue of these scum being closed in jail before the trial, since they can't and don't want to be free as white people while they are given such an opportunity. Therefore, today's post again, unfortunately, is not about productivity, and various cool things that I do, but again about the smelly stinky and terrorism. I hope, there are no unanswered questions left about what's the substance of my litigation against AFK Sistema SberAlfa-VTB. Just the murder of my both parents, my sister, my dogs, and numerous assasination attempts against me, if very roughly to explain the heart of the story. Oh yes, they also hacked a few accounts for me, and cut down the websites of the hasheight group's businesses, but these are trifles. I had to redo several sites and reload social media accounts, but these are such small issues considering the substance of the case. So the sites of HASHEIGHT, #davnosti, and Raevskaya Business School are not working yet as expected, they are under reconstruction, and I warned you. But now you know the reason.

Why have these bastards been in the sacred ignorance for so long that there are criminal cases? Yes, because no correspondence went to my mobile phones in the form of standard messages and calls. Confidentiality and data protection in the VTB Systema "SberAlfa Groupp" exist only in their social responsibility reports. In reality, they freely intercept and modify messages and wiretapping calls. What the fck about the organized "business" gangs that control all mobile communications in the country, such trifles as the law? Therefore, I did not discuss anything on the phone, did not correspond, and in general the communication was carried out in a different way. And since the methods and means of communication were unknown to these clowns - that is, they were without direct communication on a mobile phone, they believed that there were actually no communications or criminal cases. This is their first monstrous mistake.

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[the-land-of-eternal-winter-novel]

Chapter 20 – The Pleasant Memories

The illness drained them, and the mood was made even gloomier by Anatoliy's comments.

"When I was younger, some people used to say that I was so sick in the head because I had had a high fever as a baby... and I recently learned that I did suffer from an illness much like this when I was one year old. This is also how my twin brother died."

"I know, Sveta told me a long time ago... But stop thinking about death and the such!"

"That's not what I was worrying about in this particular moment. What I wondered is whether I would've been normal had I not had a fever then."

"Are you going to let the insults of some people convince you that you're mad? If it helps with anything, I say you would've been the same even if you had been healthy as a child."

"How do you know?"

"It seems like it runs in your family. Sveta told me that you're very much like your father, and Sveta herself resembles some of your quirks."

"There was never anything unusual about their behaviour. Dad was always so level headed and wise, and Sveta is very intelligent and mature. However, they never made me feel stupid, which I am still grateful for."

"You may be more alike than you think: if they understood you, then they may have a similar frame of mind. I didn't know your father as much as I had liked to, but, Sveta, for example, has many senseless fears, much like you do, and she behaves quite oddly, as you put it, but only when not in sight. She rarely tells me what is going inside her mind (because she likes to solve problems by pretending they don't exist), but when she finally does, I understand why she acts as she does. The first such example is when she had her first pregnancy. When she learned she was expecting, she started crying and wheezing, as if panicked. I was very disturbed by her reaction, confused as to why she could have possibly been upset with the news, given that we both wished to have children. Only afterwards did she tell me that she had watched her little brother die, when she was only 11, and now, suddenly, she couldn't get over the fear that her children would die as well, for seemingly no reason."

"Well, she may do all these things you mentioned, but that is just a painful memory that left its mark on her, creating a fear of losing her children. I doubt she has dark thoughts that creep into every aspect of her life, like I do. The more I try to imagine good things, the more nightmarish scenarios enter my mind. I get slightly angry, I imagine what if I killed another person, then I think that it's the last thing I'd want, but somehow that thought got into my mind, and I wonder, did I mean it?! But I don't, I don't want to be a criminal anymore! Yet I have thoughts like these. Or if I look out the window to get fresh air, I think I should jump out, but I don't actually want to die, and I get horrified as I imagine falling and plunging into the ground. I'll spare you the graphic details. I don't want to kill anybody ever again, and I don't want to kill myself, and there are so many things I don't want to do, but I think if them, and so many good things I want to do, but I don't think of them! Clearly, the only explaination here is that I'm mad!"

"You're not, but..."

"How do you know?"

Radek didn't know what to say, but he wanted to encourage him, so he deeply pondered upon his words. As he suddenly remembered a quote, he opened the Scriptures and read: "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."¹

"It was one of the apostles who wrote that." concluded Radek, slightly surprising his brother-in-law. "Each of us struggles like that, whether with sinful deeds, or thoughts. You have the tendency to think of those things, though you desperately want not to, I tend to lose my temper and speak harshly, although I really want to be peaceable, and so on."

"I'm not sure if those two are comparable..."

"I admit I often can't understand you, but I don't think you're mad."

"I'm not normal, either. Sane people don't think like that."

"Sane people are lucid, and they are aware when their thinking is distorted. A real madman would be gleefully, and dangerously, ignorant of their surroundings, but also their own mind, as if living in another world. You seem quite grounded in reality to me. Too grounded."

"I often act irrationally."

"So do we all. You just don't stop thinking about it."

"If only it were that simple."

Radek found it hard to grasp the concept, but he tried his best not to judge him, and not to make him feel even more discouraged, although such self censoring was difficult. He only advised him to rest. Some nurses gave the both of them their medicine, and they brought some ice bags for Anatoliy's fever. Radek hated to see him suffer. He had never wanted him to die, just as he never wished anybody to die, but now he found himself genuinely preoccupied with his physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

The following day, after Anatoliy woke up, Radek proposed more cheerful subjects to discuss. He started by reminiscing about his childhood, the schemes he and his friends did during school, his successes as a student, and many happy memories with his family.

"I can't believe you liked the military academy! It was the worst time of my childhood and adolescence." responded Anatoliy at a certain point.

"I have always liked physical activity more than reading or studying, and I have always been quite competitive."

"How can you be a military and a pacifist at the same time?"

"During peace times, officers participate in parades and national holidays and the such, and this is mostly what I had in mind at the time, aside from the fact that my dad was a military as well. Indeed, I'd hoped, maybe naively, that there would be no war during my lifetime. When I was at school I was one of the only ones with such a belief system. (Don't get me wrong, we were all very proud of ourselves, it's only that they took pride in the idea of dying in a war, and I, in the idea of being seen by the crowds as I carry the flag during a national celebration.) However, it was also there that I met your sister. Seeing as there weren't many women at the academy, and there were only a handful of people sharing my beliefs, it was quite a wonder that I met her. Sveta wasn't happy to be required to study there, but I was more than glad to get to know someone like her. Now, if I'm being honest, she is more of a pacifist than me. I tend to believe that self-defense (or defending the innocent) is considered an acceptable form of violence, but she holds that absolutely every dispute can be solved diplomatically. I would never endorse a war, but if I were forced into one, I would fight if I really must, but I wouldn't initiate it. She disagrees with me on this one, as well. Maybe I really need more integrity."

"You are a very moral man. I, personally, would have never thought it necessary to follow such principles. It even seems a bit excessive to me. Then again, I have my own set-in-stone rules that I follow scrupulously, so to each their own." he snickered.

"We do compromise when necessary. However, I don't know if I would've fallen for her if I hadn't admired her high standards first. She was very shy and anxious, but when it came to defending her principles, she didn't cower. Even then she was very mature and intelligent. The first time I met her, she was having a debate with her classmates, and, despite her obvious nervousness, she stood up for what she believed in. It didn't matter what the others said at the time, to me, she won the debate. One such speech was enough for me to think of marrying her. I befriended her, and we got along well from the beginning, except for the aforementioned disagreements, but she eventually made a compromise. (Later on, she told me she loved me because I always encouraged her and cheered her up.) I am so grateful for a wife such as her."

"I'm glad to hear you're still happily married. You know, this reminded me of Ingrid. After having been rejected and ridiculed by all the possible suitors, I happened upon her almost by accident. She was skating on the pond in a sort of inner garden of the castle. As soon as we started talking, we noticed how similar we were. I'd never thought there would be someone to make sense my tangled mind, and she thought the same. This drew me back again and again, and I finally felt accepted and understood. We found many things in common, aside from our idiosyncrasies, for example a passion for music. Of course, we had our differences, and I had thought patterns she didn't understand, and she had tics I found confusing, but these never constituted big conflicts. She seemed perfect, and everything she did was adorable to me. I still love her so much, and I was afraid she would leave after what I've done, but we reconciled."

"I'll admit, back when you got married, I thought that your relationship was rather superficial, because you only talked about common interests, but not also shared values. Now I'm glad to be proven wrong, and I wish you the best."

"Thank you. All I wish right now is to be reunited with my family."

"Me too... I wonder what they're doing right now."

Ingrid and Sveta were also sharing various memories from their childhoods, and not only. Sveta talked at length about her cousins, all of which were abroad, presently.

"The one I miss the most is Akim, uncle Grigoriy's son. We practically grew up together, and he was like an older brother to me; he was five years my senior. Sadly, his mother took him far away when she divorced my uncle. I tried visiting, but my old aunt avoided everyone related to uncle Grigoriy, at all cost. I gave up, eventually, but, until I met Radek, I hadn't found a good enough friend to compare to him. Not that I went out of my way to meet many people, I've always been a shy person. Most of my time was spent doing indoors activities... I've liked reading since forever, but I've never tried writing yet. I might start a diary, at first. There has been a lot going on in our lives right now... What did you wish to do when you were a child?"

"Like many girls, I wanted to be a ballerina, but I was discouraged, and even forbidden to do so. My mother said that I already embarrassed her enough for me to try dancing on stage with a short skirt on. As if ballet, of all dances, was improper..."

"Nevermind what your mother was saying, let's talk about happier memories."

"Sorry, I remember no matter how hard I try to forget... let me think of a good memory..."

Ingrid knew there had to be something, but it didn't come to her in that moment, despite her efforts. Multiple thoughts were circling her mind, including doubt that she had forgiven her mother, imagining that she must only remember only the good about her childhood for the forgiveness to be considered real. Sveta saw her staring at the ground, and she became concerned.

"Don't worry if you can't think of anything right now, you'll tell me later."

Ingrid was fidgeting slightly, changing her sitting position regularly, and absent-mindedly pinching and scratching her left hand with her nails. She made a great effort to remember something good, but more and more painful memories resurfaced. She wished she had had a different childhood, if only for this moment in which she had to be honest. The thought kept repeating in her mind, until she finally questioned it.

"Are you feeling well?" asked Sveta, putting her hand on her sister-in-law's shoulder.

"Y-...yes, I'm fine!"

She had not been paying attention to her, but answered instinctively.

"I also had a bad childhood, if that helps you, but, to be honest, it was because of very different circumstances..."

"...Please, don't feel sorry for me - I want to stop feeling sorry for myself, too." she finally responded, after she had finished her train of thought and prepared her answers. "Yes, sometimes I wish everything had been better, but you know what thought hit me just now? If my life had occurred even slightly different than what it's actually been, I wouldn't have been the same person, either. And if it hadn't been so bad at first, maybe I wouldn't have had the chance to experience the good I lived right after. Maybe I wish I had grown up in a family like yours, but then I wouldn't have been an Ingrid, but a Sveta. That's not to say that I'm completely satisfied with myself; I know some things in life changed me for the worse. On the other hand, I can't really imagine myself without taking my flaws into consideration. I decided I want to be content with my life, despite my past. I don't want to change anything from then anymore, but I now wish for a better future."

"That is a profound sentiment. You're much wiser than people think."

"Thank you..."

At the hospital, just as the two finished their conversation, another patient, a man in his late thirties, was brought into their room, which was on an upper floor, far from their first room, and the others, as well, so as not to transmit the disease to his roommates. He didn't speak to them yet, but they recognised him as the man they had met at the sauna, and he only lay in bed for the following few days. Both Anatoliy and Radek had fevers, but Anatoliy, unable to shake the worry that his sanity might deteriorate, followed Radek's words to the letter, so as to check if his mind was still intact. Radek was getting slightly better, but Anatoliy, on top of feeling sick, nurtured such thoughts. He developed a system, based on the criteria that Radek had mentioned: if he was lucid and self-aware, he was still sane. He defined self-awareness as knowing details about one's identity, and lucidity as being able to think logically, and he took counting as a practice. Every morning after he woke up, he recited in his mind his full name, his age, his address, and he counted up to a certain number, just to make sure he hadn't forgotten.

Anatoliy was now asleep, recovering from a fever. Radek was reading a newspaper the nurses brought, thinking about anything but the content of the news. He was worried about his brother-in-law, and, at the same time, he wondered who their new roommate was and why he hadn't talked to them since they met in the sauna. The other man, approached Radek just then.

"May I have the newspaper?"

"Sure, I don't need it. I don't usually read the news."

"That's too bad: the news are the only way I can learn about things happening in the other side of the world..."

__________________

¹ Romans 7:13-20

[enigmaticxbee]

✖️ 10x01 My Struggle

The one where... 8 years after IWTB Mulder and Scully have apparently broken up and get pulled back into the world of the X-Files by a right-wing conspiracy tv show host and an unnecessary retconning of the original series mytharc.

Best: In 2016 I was just so happy to see Mulder and Scully back on my screen together that I was willing to put up with some bullshit - today… I have no time for this.

Worst: Where do I even start? The unexplored breakup. The diatribe monologues. The retconning of the mytharc. The catch phrase dialogue. CSM seriously? The decision to bring back CSM when we saw his face explode in the original series finale long after he had outlived his usefulness on the show… it’s emblematic of CC’s fundamental misunderstanding of what this revival could have been.

❌ Flashlights

❌ Woods/Desert

❌ Slideshow

❌ Autopsy

✔️ Evidence Disappears

✔️ Scully Misses It

✔️ Mulder Ditch

❌ Sunflower Seeds

✔️ Voiceover

✔️ Catch Phrase: Mulder (TTIOT), Mulder & Scully (IWTB)

✔️ Scully is a Medical Doctor

❌ Mulder is Spooky

❌ Scuuullllaaaaayy! Muullllderrrr!

✔️Dana

✔️ Inappropriate Touching (that I am here for)

❌ Casual Scully

✔️ Casual Mulder (grey tshirt my beloved)

❌ Trench Coats

❌ Bad Tie Watch

✔️ Glasses Watch 😎

✔️ Taking! It! Personally!: Mulder & Scully

50 States: Virginia x19 & DC x101 (44/50)

Investigate: Together & Apart

Solve Rate: 0% (starting over for the revival era)

✔️ Bechdel Test: It does pass with Sveta, but also why does Scully call the nurse “Nurse” and not a name like a considerate human being would do with a colleague she clearly works closely with. It’s not like we wouldn’t be able to tell she’s some sort of medical professional in those scrubs if Scully called her Kate…

MSR: 🐝🐝

Goriness: 👽

Creepiness: 👽

Humor: 👽

Rewatch Thoughts:

William check-in: Scully: … because we have a child together… Exposition alert! Exposition alert! I think Mulder’s aware. But yeah, if you need to give them a reason to continue to fight the good fight after all this time and everything that’s been done to them that’s actually a good one.

Break-up check-in: When I first heard that Mulder and Scully were going to be broken up in the revival it was incomprehensible to me - WHY would CC do that? And then do nothing WITH it, except inject some unexplained tension between the characters... It made me so sad. Now, after several years and having read fanfic that actually explores the fissures in their relationship that might have led to a breakup it makes more sense to me - but on the show it still feels like an attempt to recreate a dynamic from the original run that’s decades out of date, and like a fuck you to shippers who in CC’s eyes watch the show wrong. Because we care about the emotional lives of the characters and not about incomprehensible mytharc rambling 🙄

The episode title My Struggle makes me think first of Mein Kampf, Hitler’s Nazi manifesto - based on an interview I read CC said the title was a reference to Karl Ove Knausgaard’s novels of the same name and referring to what Mulder’s going through but he can’t have been unaware of the Hitler association and it just puts a bad taste in my mouth... Secondly, the Struggles are aptly named for what they put the viewers through - and this is probably the best of the Stuggle episodes 😬

I get that there’s some exposition that needs to be communicated but did the intro need to be SO expositiony? The show is returning for a highly anticipated limited series 6-episode revival and CC starts off not with a cold open to draw you in to the story but with Mulder monologuing while someone slaps visual aids down on the table?

OG title sequence woohoo! 🎉🎉🎉 With Skinner added yay! (Wish that actually meant we got lots of good Skinner this season but alas)

Scully’s still at creepy ass Our Lady of Sorrows booooo…

Scully: He doesn’t know how to reach you, Mulder. I barely know how myself. Wtf does this mean - they’re talking on the phone and she knows where he lives! Emotionally speaking she doesn’t know how to reach him? Just exposition to let us know they aren’t in regular touch? It’s not like she hesitates to call him or go with him to meet Tad O’Malley when he asks.

Revival Scully first impressions: The wig isn’t great, and the color isn’t red enough. She seems more brittle, stiffer in the way she talks. Maybe it’s a conscious acting choice on GA’s part - and I can come up with plenty of character reasons why the 14 years since the show ended, or even the last 8 years since IWTB, might do that to her… but honestly it just feels like GA hasn’t quite found Scully yet. Or maybe it’s that I see more of her more recent roles like Stella and Bedelia in this Scully so it’s harder for me to see her as Scully now.

Revival Mulder first impressions: I like the stubble. And maybe it’s just that I haven’t watched DD in anything else recently but he’s just instantly Mulder for me. Petulant Mulder lol.

Wouldn’t it have been so much more interesting if Sveta was actually a character from a case from the original run? But tbh they didn’t actually investigate that many straightforward abductions. I’m trying to think who it could have been - Ruby from Conduit in season 1?

Classic scoop mark scars? I don’t remember those ever being a thing in the original run. And wouldn’t Scully have them too? Ugh here comes the retconning.

Why does Mulder call Scully Dana in that moment at Sveta’s? It seems designed to needle her - when it’s always been used in moments of intimacy before. Why does he feel the need to poke at her while they’re talking about abductions, and bodily violations, and stolen fetuses - things he knows she has personal experience with…

Ugh, Sveta’s exposition about their relationship and breakup and child - so clunky. And this is all the explanation we ever get to my recollection! I guess we’re supposed to take it as true, or true enough, based on Scully’s reaction.

Sveta says Mulder suffered from “endogenous depression” - which is defined as occurring without an obvious stressful event or trigger… I don’t doubt that Mulder might suffer from depression (we saw him going through depressive episodes in the original series) I’m just unclear why the show wanted to define it as “endogenous” when there are so many traumatic events in his life that must continue to affect him (like uh, losing his entire family, being abducted and tortured, dying and being resurrected, getting sentenced to death and going on the run, being isolated and presumably seeing no one other than Scully for years, losing his son - just to name a few…) - but sure, those experiences have no influence on his mental health or why they might have broken up 🙄

So is Scully a surgeon or not?! In IWTB she was leading an experimental neurosurgery and now she’s just assisting surgeons? Although maybe she got demoted for getting her surgical info from google 😂

Scully is a grown woman and can go for a champagne limo ride with a smarmy guy like Tad O’Malley if she wants - but I HATE it. I can headcanon that she’s just going along with him to try to figure out what his agenda is - and her line later about him being a charming man full of charming BS supports that - but she still thinks he’s charming and is flattered by his attention and blesdfhhvdj it grosses me out.

Why is Mulder so shocked that Sveta was abducted by men when LITERALLY the same thing happened to Scully?? Like, we’ve done this ‘maybe it’s all a big hoax/conspiracy’ storyline before. Also two things can be true!! Humans may be using alien technology against humanity for their own reasons, but that doesn’t mean aliens don’t exist (the opposite actually) and it doesn’t invalidate the things they saw on the X-Files. I get why the show might want to say lalala supersoldiers who/what now? but invalidating the entire original run of the show just seems like an incredibly hamfisted way to go about starting this revival - annoying at the least, if not insulting to original viewers!

Why is Mulder still so distrustful of Skinner after all these years? Skinner’s little hint of a smile when Mulder gives him his number 🥺

Look, they’re at their most dynamic in that scene on the porch and emotionally there’s a lot to unpack - but the fact that Mulder’s this fired up over what seems like nothing we haven’t seen before and we’re back to the Scully trying to rein him in routine is just exhausting and I don’t have the energy for it.

Scully’s expression sitting on the couch listening to Mulder and Tad O’Malley’s rant is me this entire episode 😂 - I hate all of this. Scully: It’s fearmongering claptrap, isolationist techno-paranoia so bogus and dangerous... You tell ‘em Scully!

So are you telling me that CSM somehow reconstructed his skull after it exploded but still needs to smoke cigarettes through tracheostomy tube? Sure.

[rainfrazier]

this is apropos of nothing but I have a headcanon that if things had gone differently (eg no oil rig) Brian and Victoria could’ve been friends like in Ward-era. similar trauma. they get coffee together and bitch about their teams. it’s Hard leading a bunch of superpowered teens. brian also sees ms yamada

YES!!!! absolutely. also maybe this is out of left field but i think byron and brian would be friends. their personalities are similar so either they would get along great OR they would literally never talk to each other. plus try saying their names ten times fast. he’d get along with kenzie. he’d get along with ashley the same way he gets along with rachel i think. not sure if he would butt heads with tristan?? and everyone gets along with sveta like how can you not. chris fills alec’s role of snarky asshole/problem child so he knows how to deal with that. and everyone with a lick of sense likes rain, and brian has nothing if not an abundance of good sense

[illegiblewords]

ILLEGIBLE’S TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE FAVORITE EORZEA COLLECTION DESIGNS: FEMALE

I’ve mentioned in the past, the main thing that made me start playing FFXIV properly was seeing people’s character designs. I’m still honestly blown away by the creativity and range of approaches people bring to this game, so I’ve decided to be an absolute madwoman and break my favorites into subcategories to share with anyone curious.

And to be clear. I’m not going to do something so broad as “oh top ten in-general :3″ because that would be sensible. No, I’m going to do it for all the current combat jobs. And all the current races. And different genders within the races and combat jobs as things stand. And I’m going to make a face-focus subcategory. And there are gonna be LOTS. Because I seriously cannot understate how inspired I’ve been by this community, and after however many years I just feel the need to vomit some incredible visuals I’ve encountered at you guys lol.

NOTE: In an abundance of caution, I want to stress this list isn’t a value judgment on anyone but a fragment of things that blew me personally away. Looking at the DRK sections it will be immediately clear that I Illegible really like that edgy dark knight aesthetic lmao, but there are plenty of non-edgy dark knights that I also love to bits. Other people might not like edgy dark knights. Due to a combination of size and search constraints plus trying to keep gear somewhat varied, these glamours are just what wound up on this particular list of mine. I could make another list one day. Other people can make lists too that are totally different.

Also, I was originally going to make a single post that went over male and female options presented in the character creator but straight up tumblr wouldn’t let me save because it got too big. You can see the male character post here.

Without further ado, let us begin.

COMBAT JOB GLAMOURS

PALADIN

- Sword Oath by Ariadne Lacroix

- Chevalier by Erin Arckanger

- Neo - Halone’s Sword by Goelia Sarantia

- Commander by Nya Nya

- Bellona - Goddess of War by Aurora Hearts

- Kirin by R'yo Aderyd

- In All Innocence by Lohia Aihol

- Pink Paladin Princess by Mepis Pheles

- Protector of the Creed by Kirin Anderfels

- Ivalician Spud Knight by Augwyn Usynthota 

WARRIOR

- Savage by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Bonk by Toasty Steambun

- Vinland Reaver by Tenpenny Tiffany

- Insurmountable by M'rhene Tia

- Cerberus by Lohia Aihol

- Freyja by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Warrior by Beso' Neko

- Fierce Red by Verona Lunich

- Regal Warrior by Sonora Swift

- KWEH!-rrior by Nitus Hyenborn

DARK KNIGHT

- Demon Knight by Ihon Nuzhysa 

- Demon DRK by Rosdy Mry

- Abyss by Vexa Crow

- Ritter by Miyu Fubuki

- Berserker princess by Allia Aenor

- Abaddon by Alma Sophia

- Furnace Knight by Tenpenny Tiffany

- Dark Divinity by Siren Sokute

- Absolution of Faith by Paragon Moon

- Druid DRK by Rosdy Mry

GUNBREAKER

- Flux by Flash Galathynius

- Ending SB by Una Veil

- Soldier E-075 by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Lost Allagan Future-Punk Knight by Nge Lik

- Neo - Wasteland Dust by Goelia Sarantia

- Blade’s Resolve by Erin Arckanger

- Sand Crawler by Sveta Raybrant

- Daring Gunbreaker by Radi Sativadi

- Bozjan Warfront by Keres Amiya

- Neo - Royal Guard by Goelia Sarantia

DRAGOON

- Leviathan’s Envoy by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Durium by Mihna Nhokiri

- Crimson Dragoon by Kotone Khatayin

- Heavenly Knight by Ciel Leblanc

- Gold Dragon Knight by Makenshi Dragonsbane

- Athena - The Goddess of War by Lohia Aihol

- Ryubi Warrior by Korkana Ryubi

- Native Warg by Schan Starfall

- Stranger from Across the Ruby Sea by Vederah Kilmister

- Onion Knight by Tess Tickle

SAMURAI

- Of Crimson Plumage by Cyrene Devana

- Crimson Wanderer by Sierra Delacroix

- Warmonger by Ethelin Aldren

- Yoroi of the Black Dragon by Mog Champ

- Cute war criminal by Nunui Nui

- Sirens Beckon by Adeline Grace

- Black Tide by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Kotetsu by Leisha Aysheen

- Neo - Universe’s Echo (SAM) by Goelia Sarantia

- Samurai Vagabond by Tranquil Rain

NINJA

- Midori no Ninja by Dezel Windriders

- Phtonos by R'yo Aderyd

- Neo - Flower Bowknot by Goelia Sarantia

- Church Assassin by Ien Torr

- Little Bat by Messenger Pigeon

- Birdkeep by Nya Nya

- Astrological Sign - Taurus by Leisha Aysheen

- The Nothing by Vederah Kilmister

- The Trickster by Little Toussaint

- Bloodborne-inspired Rogue by Valentyne Louvier

MONK

- Night Walker by Madoras Yorigami

- Elegant Scavenger by Mia Fletcher

- Wild Rose by Ihon Nuzhysa

- YAOI HANDS FROM HELL by Cool Mom

- Astrological Sign - Cancer by Leisha Aysheen

- Neo - Fist of Suzaku by Goelia Sarantia

- Sting Like A Bee by Arsibra Therion

- Orochi no Kaze by Liesel Mahora

- Heavensent by Ren Sakurai

- The Burn’s Wraith by Arsibra Therion

BARD

- Cherry March by Toasty Steambun

- Scarlet Vagabond by Rena Nox

- Suzaku’s Champion by Kotomi Krios

- Serpent Elite Hunter by Vesper Amaris

- Rathian by Nya Nya

- Obsolete Ribbon Bard by Karielle Davva

- Ronkan The Huntress by Raven Ashfell

- Peacock Elegance by Lohia Aihol

- Purple Rain by Franya Mohali

- Aoidos by Miyu Fubuki

DANCER

- Sidereal Goddess by Leisha Aysheen

- Crepuscule by Lohia Aihol

- Loving Blue Dancer by Kaisa Miyahara

- The First Ride by Kirin Anderfels

- Armored Bladedancer by Flower Blossom

- Masked Dancer by Aoi Umi

- Dancer of the Flame by Lohia Aihol

- Apothecary by Leisha Aysheen

- From sands to ashes by R'yo Aderyd

- The Monkey King by Stole Your'cat

MACHINIST

- Skysteel Valentine by Pastel Alerion

- Artic War by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Allied Officer by Mihri Ninaka

- Neo - doomsday by Goelia Sarantia

- bang bang shoot by Vegetable Juice

- Infiltrator: Lancehead and Gunmetal by Flash Galathynius

- Ruby Engineer by Lys Aludra

- GOBBIE BOOM! by Loki- Kun

- Wanderer: Dirt and Grit by Flash Galathynius

- Mysterious Stranger by Paragon Moon

BLACK MAGE

- Taker of Souls by Cassiopeia Fauconnoix

- Ruby Moon by Dezel Windriders

- The Dark Illusionist by The Fashionista

- Ferryman by Ien Torr

- Wayward Temptress by Atsinquela Athenruse

- Cybinki by Binki Bowie

- Wicked Wolf by Binki Bowie

- Black Mage by Fuu Min

- Neo - Demon Caller by Goelia Sarantia

- Paglth’an Black Mage by Erin Arckanger

SUMMONER

- Egyptian chocolate by Graceful Khamseen

- Summoner Goddess by Noire Faye

- Broken Nobility by Ylynna Aethis

- Black Bishop by Rosdy Mry

- Caller by Nya Nya

- Cute Magical Assistant by Lohia Aihol

- The Magus’ Apprentice by Pastel Alerion

- Oracle by Vesper Amaris

- Bismark by Lohia Aihol

- Siren Call by Atsinquela Athenruse

RED MAGE

- Aristocratic Intellectual by Vederah Kilmister

- Neo - Top Student by Goelia Sarantia

- Diligent Musketeer by Nitus Hyenborn

- Battle Bride by Rena Adyrin

- Neo - Golden Dance by Goelia Sarantia

- Elegant Musketeer by Yoko Okoy

- Meadow Musketeer by K'uro Hana

- Bozjan Duelist by Livia Illia

- Battlemage by Sagume Kishin

- Ruby Mage by Cyane Monis

- Caster of a Thousand Steps by Burning Heart

WHITE MAGE

- Shadowless Healer by Vinilite Beoulve

- Gridanian Medic by Luna Ariana

- Sands of Time by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Fae Healer by Amaya Nakamura

- Legacy by Larisse Larassier

- Neo - Silence Demon by Goelia Sarantia

- Vampire Chronicles by Ihon Nuzhysa

- Neo - Theresia by Goelia Sarantia

- Mechanic Heart by Ashia Luin

- Greatwood Druidess by Isilian Volantia

SCHOLAR

- Neo - Steam:Dream by Goelia Sarantia

- Timekeeper by Lohia Aihol

- Scholarly Grace by Joyce Blythe

- Neo - Checkmate by Goelia Sarantia

- Neo - Admiral by Goelia Sarantia

- Curator of the Great Library by Vederah Kilmister

- Fae Scholar by Miyu Fubuki

- Sharlayan Schooler by Lia Tales

- Druidic Knowledge by K'uro Hana

- Fairy Tales by Luma Rose

ASTROLOGIAN

- Sharay by Leisha Aysheen

- Oracle by Xiah Bajihri

- Ice Sight by Juicy Beefcake

- Winter Vibes by Verona Lunich

- Soothsayer by Nya Nya

- Goddess with a thousand jewels by Eji Ka

- Astrological Sign - Geminis by Leisha Aysheen

- Dark Astrologian by Zabine Fortemps

- Neo - Aromatherapy by Goelia Sarantia

- Cosmo Astrology by Katie Kox

BLUE MAGE

- I’m Just A Fool by Lohia Aihol

- azure by Persephone Athanasios

- Cute and Blue by Lia Tales

- Sapphire by Hana Rose

- No title by Goelia Sarantia

GLAMOUR SPILLOVER

HYUR MIDLANDER

- Skydruid by Dezel Windriders

- Shield of the Light by Ezelion Rykana

- Drachen by Nya Nya

- Jade Dragon by Ophelia Au'rel

- Faerie King by Naleia To

- Villainous Stride: Stalwart by Celer Acedius

- Souls Legacy by Ihon Nuzhysa

- forgiven impunity by Persephone Athanasios

- wanderer by Persephone Athanasios

- Off With Their Heads! by Binki Bowie

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Faerie King by Naleia To

- Makai Elemental Guide by Shard Nuphar

- Shield of the Light by Ezelion Rykana

- Discount Red Mage by Bb Channel

- Off With Their Heads! by Binki Bowie

HYUR HIGHLANDER

- Tequila Sunrise by Kirin Anderfels

- Flame Kissed Soother by Karielle Davva

- Dancer of Ala Mhigo by Tenpenny Tiffany

- Vampire Hunter by Dezel Windriders

- The Red Princess by Asra Ashryver

- Black Hare by Lominn Lomi 

- Overseer by Ien Torr

- Falcon of Light by Tess Tickle

- Waiting in the Shire by Tess Tickle

- Alexandrian Ninja by Tranquil Rain

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Warmonger by Ethelin Aldren

- Bozjan Warfront by Keres Amiya

- The Red Princess by Asra Ashryver

- Black Hare by Lominn Lomi

- Vampire Hunter by Dezel Windriders

ELEZEN

- Alexandrian Huntress by Louise Aquitaine

- The Forgotten Knight by Nova Kie

- Halone’s Royal Guard by Isilian Volantia

- Theatrics by Giomeo Wind

- Aeolian Tempest by Ariadne Lacroix

- East Hingashi Company Admiral by Louise Aquitaine

- Death’s Embrace by Ophelia Au'rel

- Seeing Leadwitch by Flash Galathynius

- The Golden Dahlia by Yurina Dia-oerb

- Wings of Fate by Louise Aquitaine

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Theatrics by Giomeo Wind

- Vinland Reaver by Tenpenny Tiffany

- Legacy by Larisse Larassier

- Eorzean Army Lady by Dezel Windriders

- Wandering Weaponmaster by Ariadne Lacroix

LALAFELL

- Winter Doll by Lohia Aihol

- Pistachio Colored Velveteen by Corrigible Argyros

- Flippant Eulmoran by Vederah Kilmister

- Priestess of the East by Liesel Mahora

- Samurai of Darkness by MsYue

- Lominsan Guardian by Mizora Saphira

- Valerian Hunter by Ashia Luin

- Wolf Warrior by Lalatua Ul'tua

- Breath of the Wildwood by Vederah Kilmister

- Fields Little Demoness by Liesel Mahora

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Cute war criminal by Nunui Nui

- Fierce Red by Verona Lunich

- Priestess of the East by Liesel Mahora

- Winter Doll by Lohia Aihol

- Pistachio Colored Velveteen by

MIQO’TE

- Mercantile Machinist by Nadya Lesrekta

- Western Ninja by San Kyu

- Astrologian Noble by Amira Lynn

- Gemmaster's Collection - ft. body piece by Sonora Swift

- Meiyo by Lohia Aihol

- Bozjan Thief by Specter Saruu

- Lavender Knight by Lohia Aihol

- Lycan by Aya Mihaal

- Desert Mirage by Lohia Aihol

- Aloe Vera by Lyn Saikuma

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Lycan by Aya Mihaal

- Mercantile Machinist by Nadya Lesrekta

- bang bang shoot by Vegetable Juice

- Dancer of the Flame by Lohia Aihol

- Bozjan Thief by Specter Saruu

ROEGADYN

- Blonde Ale by Kirin Anderfels

- Edenchoir Holy Knight by Marien Fury

- Dark Fae by Sahl Suh

- Thaliak’s Maiden by R'yo Aderyd

- Paladin II by Fuu Min

- Electric Princess by Anais Silverclaw

- My my, such unruly guests! by Sarafina Vadrel

- The Regal Magister by Rohariel Hellwitch

- Green Riding Hood by Tranquil Rain

- Assassin of the sands by Graceful Khamseen

FAVORITE MODELS:

- From sands to ashes by R'yo Aderyd

- Ice Sight by Juicy Beefcake

- Blonde Ale by Kirin Anderfels

- Dust and Shadows by Sarafina Vadrel

- Egyptian chocolate by Graceful Khamseen

AU RA

- Astrological Sign - Pisces by Leisha Aysheen

- Edenmorn by Kyary Valentine

- Amaranthine by Atsinquela Athenruse

- Garlean Warlord by Teresa Stormhand

- Wandering Priestess by Toasty Steambun

- Queen of the South by Leisha Aysheen

- Baphomet by Madoras

- Lone Wonderer by Bright Dancer

- Druid by Leisha Aysheen

- Dreadnaught Viking by Ormr Kishna 

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Midori no Ninja by Dezel Windriders

- Garlean Warlord by Teresa Stormhand

- Dreadnaught Viking by by Ormr Kishna

- Demon Knight by Ihon Nuzhysa 

- Ivalician Oni by Leisha Aysheen

VIERA

- Yanxian Rounin by Siddh Brumedecendre

- Wealthy Merchant by San Tokki

- Desert Dancer by Erzulie One

- Dark Knight Guard by Valentyne Louvier

- Sands of Amber by Erzulie One

- Worthy Sacrifice by Erzulie One

- Lilac Wicca by Clodagh Lunaria

- Royal Musketeer by Ashia Luin

- Violet Tides by Siddh Brumedecendre

- Street Style by Yoko Okoy

FAVORITE MODELS:

- Rathian by Nya Nya

- Explorer by Yliana Oria

- Paglth’an Princess by Ximena Reign

- Cosmo Astrology by Katie Kox

- Desert Dancer by Erzulie One

[tomicaleto]

🌺send this to ten bloggers you think are wonderful. keep the game going🌺  Both @sonderwalker and @obi-wkenobi tagged me on this! thank you so so much, both of you!  Also, @nixie-deangel sent me this:  ✨💛This is Amazing Person Award! 🏆 Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the asks of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing you will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you’re amazing inside and out ✨💛 a couple of days ago as well I’m just gonna tag the chain here before my energy runs out again xD  @jswander, @tinynebula, @hihereami, @sloaners, @keepyourpantsongohan, @kiro-sveta, @treescape, @rexismycopilot, @theseptemberist, @quiet-oracle and of course the people who tagged me as well! I think you’re all awesome

[zhanna-medvedeva]

Zhanna texted Sveta almost thirty minutes ago to meet her in the bathroom. Not only had Sveta not been there, but there’d been not so much as a read receipt on the text. That did not happen.

Whatever impression anyone in this organization may have of Zhanna, of what she did, what they could never deny was that she was Sveta Vorshevsky’s best friend. Fuck Vitaly and Sveta, fuck Pavel and Sveta, it was Zhanna and Sveta before either of them entered the picture. It was Zhanna and Sveta against Miami, then against the world. She was suddenly a teenager again, sitting in a bar where she saw nothing but the missing figure of her best friend in the crowd. Back then, it was because there was a bruise Sveta couldn’t hide from even Zhanna.

Now, though. Now.

Zhanna was considering burning London to the fucking ground. Her and Sveta...their monsters were dead because they’d been killed. 

Zhanna marched toward the entrance of Vorya, no sweet smile or sensuous stroll anywhere to be seen. She was on a warpath in thirty minutes. The blood on her dress was about to look a whole lot fresher if Sveta didn’t turn up in the next few minutes. 

“Find. Sveta,” she spat at the person closest to her as she slammed the door open.