#now i have to buy a new laptop! i wanted to quit my job to focus on school because i do not have the energy for both and now!

[sleepysnk]

a/n: hey everyone! i’m so excited to bring this piece to you all. this goes along with my sugar daddy collab! <3 i hope you all enjoy this! 🫶🏻

pairings: kokonoi hajime x fem!reader

warnings: nsfw, smut, sugar daddy!koko, age gap (reader is 21 and koko is 25), oral sex f!receiving, mentions of oral sex m!receiving, unprotected sex, use of pet names (baby, pretty thing, baby girl, good girl, princess), some degradation, light choking, car sex, edging, creampie, possessive behavior, kinda angst (?), very fluffy koko.

synopsis: you’re a college student looking to buy the things you want. koko comes to your aid and is able to grant you every wish you desired. from handbags to makeup that was worth more than anything you owned, he gave you it all. you have a long list of items, but what happens when you ask koko for his debit card and not just one item?

head over heels ft. kokonoi hajime

Your eyes shifted over the many items in your shopping cart. The time displayed on your laptop screen showed that it was nearly one o’clock in the morning. You were fully aware that you should have been peacefully sleeping in your bed by now, but you were far too deep in your shopping to even think about any shut eye. 

Summer break was fast approaching and your university classes were soon coming to a close since the end of the semester was nearing its end. With that idea in mind, you grew sort of lazy and only did so much homework before feeling completely burned out. It was a common occurrence with many students your age. Your brain knew that the end was coming, so it set you into a certain mode where all you wanted to do was shut down and not do anything else. It was difficult, especially for the professors. However, you were passing all of your classes with high A’s and you had no reason to panic. You always kept up with your schoolwork like any proper student would, and now you were celebrating with a little retail therapy.

With break on the horizon, you had the desire to buy new things. Whether it was new clothes, a fresh new set of shoes, or just some makeup, you wanted to splurge a little. It wouldn’t hurt to have some new additions to your closet, right? 

Unfortunately, like many students you attended college with, you were quite broke. You had a part time job, but none of that money was able to go to things you wanted. You often had to save your checks for proper necessities like groceries and gas for your car. Sure, your roommate assisted with food and other things along those lines, but you didn’t want her to bear the brunt of it all. In the end, you were only left with a good one hundred fifty dollars. Sometimes, if you were lucky, you would have close to two hundred, but those weeks were rare. It was difficult to save, but the circumstances were never in your favor. You honestly couldn’t wait to graduate, but that left you with debt that would take you years to pay off. 

Now while that did stop you a majority of the time, you had an alternative option for buying the things you wanted. 

A little over three months ago, you and your friends were all hanging around inside your dorm. Your conversations were casual until your friend, Emma, had suggested downloading this app that involved meeting sugar daddies. At first, you were completely blown away by your friend's statement. You and your friends tried to protest that the app was probably a scam, because you had seen those types of things happen before. You’d offer them your banking information and then all of your funds would be taken from you in the matter of minutes. Plus, there were tons of weird men on those kinds of apps. Sometimes they would completely lie about their status just to receive whatever they wanted. Emma completely shut you and your friends down, and offered proof to help her case. When she brought it to the table, you were astounded. There had been multiple men that had sent her almost a thousand dollars each. She even claimed some didn’t ask for naked photographs, and they just sent it with zero hesitation behind it.

At first, you were stunned. 

Of course, that kind of offer seemed almost unnatural from how Emma made it look. A majority of the time those people were scammers or they wanted some kind of sexual advance for payment. Nowadays you couldn’t trust such a thing, but Emma had the proof. There were men sending her all kinds of money, and to be honest, you wanted in on that. You would have to do some digging is all. 

Once your friends had gone back to their own dorms, you decided to download the app. You chose some nice photos of yourself for your profile and began swiping on the plethora of men on your screen. It was almost like a sugar daddy tinder. For the first few minutes, you were met with lots of older guys. Some of them could have been your fathers age, so that’s why you decided to change your age range. Though, you had lots of discouragement for a while. A majority of the guys were genuine catfishes and you could tell by their profiles. The obvious cropping and misinformation was a clear sign of that. Some of them seemed like genuine creeps too. The one that looked promising almost always had a flaw along with them, and it was becoming quite annoying. How did Emma manage to discover the right men? This had to be pinned against you because all of the sugar daddies on that app were fucking weird. 

To be frank, you had started to believe that it was unlikely you’d find anything promising. The men you did have conversations with were disgusting or it was obvious they were trying to steal your debit card information. 

That ultimately changed when you came across a certain profile that seemed almost too good to be true.

Koko, 25

You were just about to delete the app when you came across the man’s profile. It was already almost two in the morning, but you were enthralled by the man on your screen. He was quite handsome and he seemed to live a very luxurious lifestyle. Your eyes widened when you saw that he was sitting on a Mercedes with many other cars beside it. He was so dreamy with his black and white hair that was dyed in different sections. There was a single earring that hung from his right ear, and there was even a photo of him sticking his tongue out. He owned more than your college tuition and car payment combined. It was hard for you to believe that a man like him was on such an app, but the most shocking thing was that he was only five miles away. Meaning, he was very close to you. It almost seemed like a fucking trap with how perfect it looked on the outside. There was no way this man was real. Behind the screen, there must have been a fifty year old man sitting in his crusty boxers. 

Despite that, you took a risk and swiped right on the man. 

You went to bed and didn’t ponder the app any longer. You assumed that if he was real, he probably wouldn’t bat an eye at you. He’d just keep swiping and leave it as that, right?

Wrong, so very wrong.

The next morning, you awoke and checked your phone as usual. You had notifications from your friends or random emails from your professors, but what you didn’t expect was a message from that app. 

Koko sent you a new message!

Your heart dropped inside your chest when you saw the message for the first time. You thought you were just having a dream, but Koko had actually messaged you. You immediately went to open it and see what he had said. You were honestly expecting one of those usual scam messages that are insanely filled with random emojis, but it was the exact opposite of that.

Koko: hey pretty thing <3 

For a little while, you contemplated replying to him. He could be a catfish for all you knew. He could also be trying to sweet talk you into taking your money, so you had to play it cool. It took you a while to actually trust the man behind the screen, but he eventually shared his phone number and the two of you began to frequently chat throughout the day. Koko had revealed he was a businessman. He never specified what it was, but he informed you that he made lots of money and he wasn’t married so there was nothing to spend it on except for himself. He was about four years older than you. The only reason he joined the app was to find someone to share that cash with, and that’s exactly what the man wanted to do with you. Koko also proved he wasn’t a scammer by any means and he would be willing to buy you whatever you wanted. 

But, at a price.

Koko had proposed a deal for you both. He had no problem being your sugar daddy by any means. He told you that if there was anything you needed from him, he would buy it with no hesitation. However, he wanted something in return. There was a reason you were his sugar baby. 

Koko offered to give you what you wanted after you had sex with him, or gave him something in exchange for your item. He told you that the higher the price of your gift, the higher you would have to work to receive it. It was quite a shock to you to hear such a thing, but you did want a sugar daddy. Koko had even mentioned he would never force you into a situation that you didn’t want, but he wanted you to keep your end of the deal no matter what. At first, you were unsure of it all. He was a handsome guy, he made lots of money, and all you would have to do was fuck him to have anything you so pleased. It was nerve wracking, though. You were going to be intimate with a man who was older than you, and he was going to give you anything you wanted after? There was a lot to ask, but you weren’t sure how to bring it up.

After a long phone call with the man, you had fully agreed to the terms he set for you. Koko had also explained to you that if at any point you would like to terminate it, he had no issue with that. You were relieved to hear such a thing. At least he wasn’t some deeply obsessed man who wouldn’t let you go if you asked.

The very first time you wanted to buy something, you were nervous. You were on Sephora, browsing the different eyeshadow palette’s or lipsticks you thought would fit nice on your skin. You had placed a few items into your cart. Your eyes drifted to the total and your chest practically started hurting the moment you saw it. It came out to $157.67. Part of you wasn’t so sure if you should ask Koko. It was his money, and you would always feel bad whenever any friend or family member spent money on you. You knew you wouldn’t have to give Koko a single cent back, but what would he say? There was a chance he would laugh at you and say no to the offer. It would piss you off, yes, but that thought was lingering in the back of your mind. You hesitated to send him the message with the total, but you eventually pressed send and left your phone to sit and wait. Your heart was racing so fast that you thought you would have had a heart attack back then. 

Within minutes, you received a reply, and his response made shivers ghost down your spine.

Koko: send me a video of you fingering yourself <3 and send me the link afterwards

After a long while of internal panic, you eventually sent Koko the video. There was silence for a little while on his end. You hoped that he didn’t somehow block you or he just lied to get what he wanted. There was a chance Koko had completely set you up, and he was going to steal the video for his own personal benefit. God, you prayed that wasn’t the case. 

Though, after ten minutes, Koko replied with a screenshot of your order. He also praised you for what you had sent him. He claimed you were one of the most beautiful women he had ever laid his eyes upon, and those comments made your cheeks burn with embarrassment. For a man who was only supposed to be your sugar daddy, he seemingly had a lot to say about your appearance. You weren’t complaining about that factor, though. You would have much rather had him commenting on that than being a weird creep asking for more. He was gladly proving himself as a respectable man, and you had gotten a new present out of it. You were very satisfied with that, and all of those worries that had you anxious disappeared once he shared that he had purchased your makeup. 

You frequently sent nudes to Koko for whatever you wanted. You began receiving many gifts and random packages that filled your room quicker than you had expected. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that Koko was spoiling you rotten with his money. He didn’t seem to have much of a problem with that either. Any time you would protest, he would shut you up by sending you random payments. You could never argue with him either. He was quite stubborn at times. 

Eventually, there came a point where you both desired to meet one another.

He planned a nice date for you two. He offered to pick you up and he even proposed the idea of taking you shopping afterwards. If you didn’t have extra studying to do, you would have taken the opportunity to go and buy some things with him. However, you declined due to your own personal things. You were very nervous to meet him. This would be the first time you saw him in person, but you had this urge to finally see the man who had been giving you money. You were all over the place when the evening arrived. When he messaged you that he was outside, you almost completely chickened out and told him you didn’t want to anymore. However, with the help of your friends and your roommate, you were able to face Kokonoi Hajime in all of his glory. 

You didn’t expect to see such a fine man, but what you weren’t expecting the most was sleeping with him that night.

The dinner had gone quite well between you both. Koko was polite, handsome, and overall a gentleman with you. The place you went to was divine and you would have never expected you would have eaten at such a great restaurant. 

Things quickly changed once the two of you had gotten into Koko’s expensive BMW. The atmosphere had shifted and there was this ache that formed between your legs. It could have been the aroma of his luxurious cologne, or the way he gripped the steering wheel as he drove. It honestly felt like this man had casted a spell on you. You just couldn’t stop yourself from kissing him at the red light. One thing led to another, and you ended up in Koko’s high rise apartment with your legs thrown over his shoulders. The sex you both indulged in was like no other. Koko wasn’t anything like those lame college guys you hooked up with. He showed you what it was like to actually fuck someone, and it only left you craving more of your sugar daddy. He worked wonders on your body, and he knew exactly where to touch you to have you melting within his grasp. You only craved more of him as the days went on, and eventually, you two started seeing one another more often. 

Whether it was giving him a blowjob for a new pair of heels, or letting him eat your pussy until you made a mess on his face, Koko was intoxicating and you only wanted him at the end of the night. 

You chewed on your bottom lip at Koko’s contact. You had no idea if the man was still awake at this dead hour. However, you decided to snap a photo of your total and message your sugar daddy. If he didn’t see it at that hour, he would probably see it the next morning and decide what to do. 

You: koko, i want these

You: [image]

You clicked your phone off and sat there for a few minutes. There was silence from your phone, so it was just a waiting game. You hoped he was awake but you weren’t forcing a response right away. You were very patient with him. Koko had a busy lifestyle, so it was understandable if he was exhausted after a long day. 

Those thoughts you had were interrupted by the vibration of your cell phone. You reached for it and was surprised to see that Koko had texted you back. 

Koko: for sure baby

Koko: you better let me pick you up 🤍 that price is high 

Your eyes grew wide at his request. It was late, very late. Your roommate was asleep in her bed already and you technically weren’t supposed to be wandering campus at that hour. Sneaking out wouldn’t be that difficult, but knowing how Koko was in bed, you knew you wouldn’t be home the next morning. Usually, you would decline and say no, but you hadn’t seen Koko at all much recently. Not gonna lie, you needed your fix of him and you wanted to see his handsome face. It wasn’t like you could message him randomly to fuck. He probably wasn’t into something like that. 

You: okay

You: atp i deserve your debit card 🙄

You were joking when you sent that reply, but you brushed that aside to go and prepare yourself for what was to come. Koko didn’t live very far from your university. He worked in the city which was not a far drive from campus, but you hardly drove there unless you absolutely had to. Koko also would pick you up. He honestly considered you his little passenger princess because of how often he would come and get you. He always picked you up in a different vehicle, though. Sometimes, he would let you pick the car he would drive you around in. It was such a luxury being Koko’s sugar baby. You couldn’t ask for anyone better.

You paused in your motions when your phone vibrated again. You grabbed it off of your bed and stared at the new text messages Koko had sent to you. 

Koko: my debit card? you really want that baby?

Your eyes widened at his reply. As much as you wanted to say no, having his card on you would give you easier access to getting the things you wanted without having to wait. 

You: i was kidding haha

Koko: i’m serious

Koko: do you want it? i don’t mind handing it over

Shock coursed through your veins at his reply. You said that as a joke, yet he sounded incredibly serious about it. You could never take Koko’s debit card like that. He often told you he had many due to having such an incredible amount of funds, but having one sounded dangerous. Though, it sounded like such a great idea. 

You: really??

Koko: yes princess

Koko: but that’s a serious trade.. if you want it you know you’ll have to pay up.

You knew full well that’s how the deal worked. He wouldn’t give away something unless there was a price at hand, which was understandable. You wondered what that might be. Koko could make sex more intense depending on the price of the item you desired. Usually, anything above two hundred was always going to involve a meet up. Whether it was just oral sex, or actual fucking. You fully assumed now that Koko was going to ask to meet up. You had no issue with that, of course, but the thrill of the situation made your thighs clench together. He was a man full of surprises. He showed you things in sex that no other man was capable of, so this could be a situation you would never forget. 

You began typing a response to the man. It was already nearly two o’clock in the morning, so you had to make a decision quickly. 

You: okay, i want your debit card koko

Sending that message was the reason you were in the situation you found yourself in now. You should have expected Koko to be the person he was, but you hadn’t expected him to pull over into a parking lot after he picked you up. You were in the backseat of his Mercedes with your thighs spread apart and his face deep between them. His tongue was buried into your pretty cunt that he had been wanting to taste for the last two weeks. Fuck, he missed you so much. He never could properly admit it out loud, but Koko wanted to see you more often than he should. You were always engraved in his mind at work. He would often fight with himself on sending you a message about your day, or simply asking what you were up to. He shouldn’t be thinking that way, but you were too difficult to resist.

Your head was lying against the cushion of his seats. Your fingernails tugged and pulled at the strands of Koko’s dual colored hair. One thing about Koko was that his head game was one of the best. He slurped and sucked on your clit with such ease, and it drove you up the wall. There was nobody else that could make you feel the way Koko made you feel. “K-Koko..! Ah.. yes! Right there!” you wiggled your hips upwards to gain more traction against his tongue. You were getting lost within him. All you could think about was him and only him.

The man shifted his eyes up at you. His pupils were slightly dilated from lust, and the pure sight of you made him only more turned on. Koko honestly couldn’t believe that such a fine woman like you ever gave him the time of day. You were perfect in every aspect. He couldn’t ever imagine himself involving another woman, but you. He honestly wondered if you felt the same way about him. In some ways, he hoped that deep down you did. Koko liked to believe that he gave you it all. He spoiled you rotten with his money and gave you all the sex you desired. He didn’t care what it might be. He would do anything for his precious sugar baby. “Yeah..? That feel good, baby girl? Heh.. you always taste as good as you look.” he used his thumb to rub circles on your clit that was swollen. You were a dripping mess when he took your panties off. It was amazing what he could do to you in just a matter of minutes. His presence alone winded you up.

He then attacked your cunt once again. His tongue swiped over your sensitive bud, earning several sharp gasps from your lips. He lapped up any slick that appeared on your pussy. He was practically eating you like you were his last meal. Koko was making you feel like you were on fire. His actions were the very thing igniting that spark within you. He could only smirk at the delightful noises that were slipping from your throat. He could listen to you like a song on repeat. 

Koko’s cock was aching inside his sweatpants. It was taking all of his strength to not completely ravage you, but that need was there. He was begging to be freed from his boxers that felt like they were closing in on him. Koko’s hold on your thighs tightened and his tongue began to move quicker, sending bolts of electricity along your abdomen from the pleasure. Your breathing had become quite heavy and your hold on his hair had tightened. He could tell that you were absolutely enjoying yourself right now. It only stroked that ego he had deep within him. He averted his gaze for a brief moment to stare at your stunning features that were twisted with pleasure. The expressions on your face made him smirk while he ate you out. He couldn’t wait to be inside of that pussy he loved so much. He craved you more than he would like to admit. Sometimes, he would find himself jerking off to your videos or photos you had sent him. His fist never compared to the way your pretty cunt would suck him in.

You were close, so fucking close. Koko could make you cum by just eating you out, which was honestly a talent. The knot inside your belly was tightening with every motion of his tongue. All you sought was that burning desire within yourself. Koko could tell by your body language and your voice that you were about to reach your peak. He wasn’t ready for you to cum yet. He wanted you to be wound up just a bit more before he’d allow that to occur. Plus, you were only ever allowed to cum on his cock.

Koko then retracted himself away from your cunt. A mix of his spit and your slick covered his chin, to which he wiped off with his hand. You whined at the loss of contact, and the denial of your orgasm. He could be so unfair sometimes with you. “Koko.. I need you..” you took his hand into yours, intertwining your fingers together. 

He could see the desperation in your eyes, and in your voice. Koko then kissed your palm and smiled at you with those nice teeth of his. He thought you were so cute like that. All whiny and needy for him to be inside of you. He wasn’t going to let you wait any longer, because as much as it sounded selfish, he wanted to fuck you too. It had been far too long since the man had played with his favorite girl. He missed you more than anything else, and all he wanted was your presence near him. “I’m here, baby.. don’t you worry.” he then leaned down towards your lips, pressing a small kiss onto you. It was sweet, and tender.

Koko pulled away after a few seconds. He then began to untie the loops of his sweatpants, pulling them downward so he could free his cock that had been aching to be freed since he took you into the backseat. Some pre-cum leaked from the tip, which he wiped off with his thumb. He tossed them somewhere in the front seat and plopped down in one of the seats. He motioned for you to come towards him. “Come here..” he patted his lap, eyeing you like you were his prized possession. 

You sat up, maneuvering yourself onto his lap so both of your thighs were on either side of him. Koko’s hands settled on your waist, taking in the touch of your soft skin. He could never get enough of how delicate you felt underneath his fingertips. It was like he was touching flower petals, silky and smooth. You were the prettiest one in the garden though. Koko positioned himself at your soaked entrance. He glided his tip against your folds, causing you to softly moan from the friction. You were so fucking wet. He loved seeing what he was able to do to your body. Seeing you up above him made his heart swell with warmth. You were like a goddess in his hands. He couldn’t believe that someone like you wasn’t in a relationship, or at least talking with someone. You deserved love. 

Could he be the one to grant that?

After some small teasing of your slit, he pushed himself inside your pussy. The two of you let out noises at the contact. Your hands squeezed at Koko’s shoulders, holding onto him as he guided your hips onto his cock. You were so tight. You hugged his dick so well that he could almost moan from how great it was. He never got tired of how your cunt felt. “Koko..! So big.. fuck..” you looked down at his shaft that was filling you up and stretching you to almost your limit. He was big, probably the biggest you’ve ever taken.

Once he was fully bottomed out, he began to thrust into your cunt. The angle was just perfect for him. Your tits were practically in his face, and every little movement caused them to bounce. If he could, he would tape every single moment of your sexual encounters. He could watch them like movies and be able to recall every little detail. Koko groaned at how nicely you sucked his cock in. He held your hips firmly and would occasionally squeeze the plush of your ass. You were just too fucking good. He never was exhausted of fucking your brains out. You were completely in utter bliss. This felt much different than before. You weren’t sure why. You assumed that maybe it was because you were both fucking in his car or maybe because you hadn’t seen Koko in weeks, but that didn’t matter. All you could focus on was the gorgeous man who was buried into your guts right now.

Koko’s pace began to increase. He found it much harder to hold back now. He had these urges that needed to be released, and after all, you were going to earn his debit card once this was all set and done. He wanted to fuck you so good that any time you stared at it you would remember what he made you feel that night. “Fuck.. so good, baby.. takin’ my cock so well. You’re such a good girl..” he gritted his teeth. “You’re my good girl, yeah? Tell me baby..” 

You stared into his lustful eyes. The pleasure in your gut was so good that you were beginning to lose focus on the situation. He was grabbing and touching you in all the right spots that made you like putty in his hands. “Mmph! Yes.. ah! Yes, Koko..” you whined, pressing your forehead against his. 

The heat inside of the car began to gradually increase from your actions. Sweat was clinging to your skin, and some of Koko’s hair was sticking to his forehead. Neither of you gave much care to that fact, because you were too lost in the moment to even think about that. Koko couldn’t help but stare at you. Your pretty face was all contorted with euphoria and your gorgeous body was so smooth within his hands. He couldn’t think of a greater image. He knew the night he fucked you for the first time that he wanted to see you again. He didn’t want someone like you to slip through his fingers, so that’s why he continued to pursue you. There was so much to like about you beyond the sex. Your personality, your smile, that beautiful laugh. He could name so much more, but it’d take him years to finish. He knew it wasn’t right. Thinking of his sugar baby as something more, but he couldn’t help himself. You were a drug he couldn’t stop coming back to.

Koko’s hand went to wrap around your throat, keeping your head in place so you made eye contact with him. He squeezed slightly, blocking some of the air from entering your lungs. Your nails scratched into his skin from the lack of oxygen. “Shit.. so fucking good f’me..” he looked into your cloudy eyes. “Fuck.. you like being my slut..? Whoring yourself out for my money.. fuck, I love spoilin’ you, princess..”

All you could do was nod and let out a small whine. He then released your throat and smiled to himself at your reaction. He knew no matter what you would always love spending his money on shit you wanted. He didn’t care how much it was either. He loved what was to come before the purchases. Though, the after made him even happier. Seeing your smiling face when he buys you gifts makes all the darkness in his day disappear. “K-Koko..” you leaned your head downwards so it was now buried into his shoulder. “Fuck.. love being y-your slut!”

Koko couldn’t hide the smirk that had written itself on his features. Of course you loved it. You always slithered back to him and that’s exactly how he knew. He decided to speed things up and begin fucking you at such a rough pace. His tip rapidly pressed against your g-spot, making white stars appear in your vision from how intense it was. 

It was moment’s like this where Koko didn’t want the night to end. He wished he could fuck you like this all of the time, but that only happened whenever you needed something. That was the deal, after all. He didn’t want to overstep your boundaries and possibly cause problems in your agreement. Koko had his urges, though. He wanted to randomly arrive at your place and just have you all to himself with no sort of item being the sole reason why. It sounded selfish, he was well aware of that, but you were the first girl to ever want to see him for a date rather than just a hookup. Sure, sugar daddies often treated their sugar babies to dates at divine restaurants, but to Koko that was something special. He knew that you probably thought of it as something common, but he never did that with just anyone he came across. Dates, sex, money, all of those things could make Koko easily attached to somebody else. Despite his brain telling him not to, he wanted you. 

He wanted you all to himself. 

He knew thinking such a thing was wrong, but the thought of someone else spoiling you with their money angered him. Seeing your body in all its glory and only toying with you made him want to go after whoever that might be. He was the only one who should be giving you the things you wanted. He should be the only one pounding your pussy until you’re almost squirting onto his cock from how great it is. You were his sugar baby. You shouldn’t rely on any other man but him to give you what you need. 

Koko reached forward to hold your face with his one hand, forcing you to look at him. Your eyes were half-lidded and you had this gorgeous fucked out expression on your features. His eyes flickered from your face then towards those glossy lips. “You’re mine.. right, princess?” No one is better than me..” his voice was deep and sort of hoarse from how much he had been groaning and grunting. 

Your walls quivered around his cock, earning a breathy chuckle from Koko. He didn’t think you would have such a reaction, but it turned him on so much. You liked when Koko was possessive over you. He had no idea, but he was for sure going to use that to his advantage. You were making such a mess on his dick too. “Y-Yes, Koko! All yours.. ah!” you nodded your head vigorously at his question. You only desired more from the man. He was making you feel things that nobody else has ever made you feel. 

Your orgasm was creeping up on you. The pool of heat inside your gut was reaching its boiling point, making you all the more needy for Koko. He could feel your walls clenching and closing around his cock, making his own pleasure increase from how tight you felt. His favorite part was watching you reach your high, because your reactions were just so sexy. He loved making you cum like the little slut you were for him. His hands gripped your hips tightly, allowing him to fuck himself upwards into you at that same pace that would send your mind into a frenzy. He was abusing your g-spot only allowing his name to slip from your plump lips. His balls were smacking against your puffy clit, making all kinds of lewd noises inside of the car.

Koko leaned in and captured your lips onto his. A sloppy kiss erupted between the two of you. He swallowed down any moans that came from your throat. He almost chuckled again when he felt you struggling to kiss him back. You were both chasing your releases, becoming so desperate for one another. Koko almost bit down on your lip from how close he was, but he refrained and pulled away. “Gonna cum..? C’mon, baby, cum on my fucking cock..” he leaned towards your ear, nibbling on your skin. “Shiittt, ‘m gonna cum inside this p-pretty cunt, pretty thing.”

You let out a cry of pleasure as soon as that knot snapped. Your orgasm hit you hard. Your whole body trembled and shook, sending shivers down your spine. Koko squeezed your hips hard enough to leave bruises when he reached his own climax. The way your pussy spasmed and clamped down on him made his high come faster than he had expected. His cum filled your walls, creating a mess that consisted of your arousal and his around his cock to make it seem white. 

You let yourself slump onto his body. The two of you panted, trying to recover from your orgasms. A layer of fog had blanketed the window and both of you were quite messy. Koko rested his arm around your waist, placing his chin atop of your head. In all honesty, he didn’t want to let you go home yet. He wanted to sit there for a few minutes just bathing in your embrace, because he knew the moment you went home he would go back into his empty bed and imagine you lying beside him in his sheets. He also feared possibly staining the seats of his car by pulling out, so he decided to just keep himself inside you for a little while. Neither of you had anywhere to be at that moment. 

There was a comfortable silence that surrounded you. It was broken when Koko cleared his throat and reached for his wallet that was in the pocket of his sweatpants he had discarded earlier. He opened it and removed his debit card from the many spots he had in his wallet. He also reached into it and pulled out several one hundred dollar bills. “This is for you, baby.” he then reached under your shirt and shoved the bills into your bra. He also slid his debit card along with the cash. You were surprised to see him put them there, but it was Koko of all people. He always had the ability to catch you off guard.

You looked down at Koko. You seemed quite tired and he could sense it from your lazy body language. You were so cute when you were sleepy. “Thank you, Koko..” you touched his cheeks with your hands, rubbing your thumbs against his skin. A smile made its way onto your features from his gesture.

He pecked your lips, bringing your body closer to his. Your touch made him melt from how warm it was. “Anything for you..” he buried his face into your neck, inhaling your natural scent. His mind only thought of you for the rest of the evening. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, you would see him as someone more than just your sugar daddy.

[wannaeatramyeon]

i'm dying, i'm deceased, your content is so satisfying, ramen! it's like having a good meal! also, with the amount of injuries the guys are getting, i imagine they're (hopefully) seeing a medic quite often. i wonder if in the process of being patched up by them, by being seen at their most vulnerable, after having the brain cells beat out of them, they would start feeling something for their medic? all gentle touches after a brutal fight~ i imagine gun and sammy would be seeing them the most, but feel free to add others. hope you've been doing well!! 🌺

Hi! Are you my flower anon? (Sorry new laptop - emojis look a bit different). I have been feeling... wild lately. Hope you are doing well too! Thanks for sending this in and AGAIN SO SORRY FOR THE SUPER LATE RESPONSE. My bio should really read day late and a dollar short.

Medic!Reader tending to Samuel Seo, Gun Park, Johan Seong

Word had gotten round that for the right price, you would tend to anyone.

Of course that's not the only reason you're the go-to medic for many of your seedier clients. You're quick and efficient, with some even describing you as a miracle worker. Along with your zipped lips and diligence for confidentiality-

Well. It's no wonder you've paid off your med school loans in record time.

"Again?" you sigh, arriving and taking in the scene before you.

.

.

Samuel Seo

If surveyed, nine out of ten people would describe Samuel as hot.

The last person would no doubt have a terrible sight impairment. Shame. How sad. A tragedy indeed.

So when you, time and time again, go to work on Samuel's body, cleaning his wounds, stitching him up, seeing his exposed skin and naked body with a blank face and purely professional manner.

Well. Samuel doesn't know what to do with that.

You intrigue him and he wants a reaction.

So he's the one that talks to you. Small snippets of his life, hoping to impress you. He notices you're not moved by his strength, the power he wields, the people he commands. Even his penthouse, furnished with the best money can buy and his designer clothes does nothing for you.

You usually remain neutral until today, Samuel gets what he wants. You laugh a little at his response-

"Something about my face must be punchable,"

His heart flutters when he hears your laughter ring out. He's not sure if you're laughing at him or with him, but surprisingly, his ego doesn't seem to mind.

.

.

Gun Park

Gun remembers the first time you attended to him, courtesy of Charles Choi and a benefit of his position.

You didn't flinch at his black eyes or the bleeding wound that sat between them. Instead, cleaning him up with a startling efficiency he couldn't help but admire.

Methodical and competent, Gun was deeply impressed as he watches your hands flying over him, dipping into your med bag for something now and then.

The speed should come with roughness but your touches are gentle. Grazing over his skin and leaving goosebumps in your wake.

When you lean in close, examining if there is anymore to be done or if it would leave a mark he would just have to deal with - you make a joke that it wouldn't matter anyway, the scar would add to his handsomeness; Gun's throat dries up at the intensity of your eyes staring at him.

Huh. And it's usually Gun that has that effect on people.

From then on, Gun likes to think it was by pure coincidence that his body began becoming more and more littered with scars. It absolutely had nothing to do with your words or how much he looked forward to seeing you.

At your exasperated 'again', he smiles.

.

.

Johan Seong

Manager Kim directs Johan over to you. You've seen this type of patient before.

Cagey and prickly, like it's a show of weakness to be tended to by someone and annoyed to not be left to lick their wounds in private.

You remain quiet and professional until you're on the receiving end of one too many agitated huffs and impatient leg bounces making your job of bandaging this brat up so much harder-

"Sit still!" you snap with force and authority. Johan does, and looks at you with wide eyes.

Something about your tone makes him gulp and he fights back the blood rushing to his cheeks.

He thinks about your voice, commanding and sharp, juxtaposing with your gentle hands checking on him. The proximity of your body is slammed into sharp focus and Johan feels a rebellious urge to make you reprimand him in that strict tone of yours again.

Ughhhh.

Why is his shirt collar so tight, why is his tie so constricting? And why the hell is he feeling so hot and bothered?

Shit, the penny drops. Have I got a thing for this?!

[slutfor-fictionalmen]

Thinking of a series or at least 3 chapters of an internally!softer! Ghost and a super smart/ strong headed! Reader who works on their mission routes and tactical strategies, they obviously like eachother but won’t say anything (for now)

A little suggestive below cut but more of a preview!

Your head is pounding from the strain on your eyes, overtime has kicked your ass, even with help you’ve gotten, your entire life has been your work.

“Oh fuck me!” a rumble of laughter escapes the man next to you as you change positions.

“You can say that again.” a sigh escapes your lips as you close your laptop as violently as you can without causing harm to it, after all, why would you cause harm to something you saved up for months to buy even though work has more use of it then you do .

“Si, do we really have to do this?” His screen closes shortly after.

“Do you want to continue having a job cause these reports are just as important as my fieldwork love.”

“Maybe its time for me to find a new fucking job,” you grumble. Your misery incites another laugh out of the man,

“Hey let me know when you do that ill be right behind you.”

“The government would sooner kill both of our families and us than let us go, the misfortune of being too valuable i fear,” you turn over and face him attempting to lessen the twinge in your back with a new position.

“Ah, too bad you’re too amazing.”

“Yeah yeah smooth talker you're just trying to butter me up, get me to do your reports for you, I won't be tricked, not again that is.” His calloused hand touches yours releasing a breath that you were unaware you were holding.

“It’s nice to be with you again you know ,” you hold his hand, squeezing gently, “to talk to you and not have to worry about whether or not you’re going to die in a few minutes.”

“You know me better than to worry about that, what kind of man of the 141 would I be if I'm not evading death at all turns, gonna take a lot more than some pesky bullets to take me out darling.”

A dry chuckle escapes your mouth “I’ll hold you to that.”

You play the memory over in your brain, again, and again, and again. Your brain was flooded with thoughts of simon, his hands, his chest, the way his eyes crinkled under his mask when you make him laugh. The way your interactions were always so calm, so intimate. His talk of marriage, of future, how he hopes love but has the worst love life of anyone you know.

You cant say more for yourself, failed dates, hookups, and your fair share of blind dates you often felt as if the love you craved is out of your reach, it doesn’t exist. Or it didn’t until you met a tall intimidating man that ruined any prospective males for you without even knowing the damage he’s inflicted, the nights you’ve spent dreaming of him, his smile. Everything from what your wedding would be like to what he’d look like between your thighs, him finally being the one to pull his name from your lips and not your vibrator that’s worked double time since you’ve gotten closer to the man.

You shake your head at the thought, forcibly ridding it from your brain before you dive deeper into a fantasy with the man standing next to you, going over plans for their next mission, protocols and resources, how long they’re expecting to be away and where they should be to come back. You briefly wonder if you should have said yes, what ghost would have said if you actually quit, maybe you would have run from the law together, or maybe you would have been stuck back in this very room as deserters, you allow your mind to focus on the more positive side before you zone back into work.

~

Simon’s thoughts have been everywhere but focused today, he’s known lust, he’s even known obsession, but never something like this. He’s a professional, a killer, he’s trained to withstand torture but he can’t stand you on his mind without going crazy with the need to fuck his fist, picturing your soft mound, wondering how your thick thighs and tight pussy would squeeze around him if he told you all the dirty thoughts he had while you bent over the table to emphasize an evacuation route if anything goes wrong. You were a strategist, a smart, beautiful, highly respected woman who earned every role you had, every medal you earned, and yet he can’t stop thinking about how many times you’d need to cum before he can get that beautiful brain to slow down.

He’d feel guilty if his thick cock wasn’t pressing painfully against the zipper of his uniform disrupting any thoughts he could have potentially had.

“Enter Ghost, through this wall, try not to use too many grenades, as much as we want the base destroyed, we don’t want you inside of it.” You look out of the corner of your eye till you hear a deep grunt indicating his reception to your words.

His eyes don’t leave you, he loves your voice but his brain is on everything but this mission, he almost wants to tell you to have more faith in him, he’d always come home to you, after all when has he ever let you down?

“You’ve gone over this at least 3 times, why don’t you let us get this done? We promise we’ll be good.” Soap says with a hand over his heart and the other in the air, a cheesy promise to you inciting scattered chuckles from various teammates around the room.

You sigh in defeat, “follow my orders, or at least try to…. Please,” you shut off the screen and turn to the group but make an effort to look at Simon, “ Come home safe for me.”

His eyes bore into you as he internally promises just as he always does “I Will.”

Let me know if you want more!!

[evermorehoon]

❣︎ ⎯⎯ goodbye, my past pt2

idol pairing: sunghoon x reader

wc: 2.1k

warnings: a little angst, mostly fluffy, children being children, he's so whipped for his gf, he gets sad a little here and there

synopsis: you finally have the chance to do something special for sunghoon, who seems to have finally come to terms with his ordinary life

A/N: welcome back to my fave series!! sorry for the long wait omg but thank you for waiting, hopefully I can be a little more consistent lmao. honestly y/n is pretty cute, I like writing her😭 feedback and whatnot is greatly appreciated!! Enjoy <3 lemme know if you wanna be tagged or smth

Masterlist | next chapter | prev chapter

It was saddening to see Sunghoon try denying that he really wanted to be there. It was evident in his eyes whenever he scrolled through his social media that he wanted to support his friends. And yet:

"Nah, I don't wanna go."

"You're getting closer to your due date, I'm scared of missing it."

"I can't afford to go."

He texted them often when they had breaks in between practice. They all seemed so excited at the prospect of him being there, but he kept shooting it down, even if they wanted to give him a free ticket.

He often found you sitting on your bed with your hands on your rather round belly. It was comforting so it allowed you to think better.

'How can I make him go?'

You'd been wondering this for days but you had to think fast. You didn't know just how popular they were so you could easily miss out on buying his ticket. As much as you wanted to be there, it felt almost like you'd cause too much stress on him. Someone could bump into you, you could lose balance and fall etc.

While he was away at his part time job, you ended up texting both his and your parents. You could use the extra help, seeing as you wanted to act in his best interest.

But it seems they thought it was a good idea as well. After all, wouldn't it be great for him to support his best friends who just succeeded in achieving their dreams?

Everyday, you sat in anticipation. You waited for those ticket sales to be open. You were going to get that ticket, even if it was the last thing you would do. You had the money which your parents and his had graciously helped with.

But even with your laptop sitting in front of you, you were beyond nervous. Your hands were clammy and your heart was racing. You needed to calm down, this amount of stress wasn't good for the baby.

Yes, think about the baby. Surely that'll calm you down.

Just a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes. Just a few-

...

Was getting a ticket always so hard?? You wondered this as you managed to secure it. Online waiting lines were quite new to you, you weren't really paying attention to the capacity of the concert hall.

You sat with a satisfied look, waving your hands in the air in excitement.

"What's all the excitement about?"

You jumped slightly upon hearing Sunghoon’s voice. He had an intrigued look on his face as he crossed his arms against his chest.

"Nothing, nothing!" You said quickly, waving him off.

"I finally passed this level I'd been struggling with.."

Sunghoon knows when you're lying. He's known you long enough to read your every movement and expression (not in a creepy way of course). But he doesn't say anything further. You probably have your reasons for hiding something from him, he trusted you.

"I see.. since when do you play games on your laptop?" He seemingly snickered since he'd never seen you playing anything other than mobile games.

"New hobby to pass the time," you smiled almost awkwardly. Now that you think about it, playing rpg games was something you used to do.

"So, how was work?" You had a big smile as you rested your hands on your belly, closing your laptop to listen to him.

His eyes always seemed to light up when he spoke about his work. He was lucky to have landed this job, but the owner of the ice rink seemed even more overjoyed than he was to have a former professional figure skater teaching young kids.

He loved listening to the kids ask for help, watching their little faces get excited when they could move without falling. He especially thought it was cute hearing the little voices calling him 'teacher'.

"One of the kids has this very interesting habit of telling me she loves me."

He chuckled as he spoke. He would recall little fists gripping his pants leg to prevent themselves from falling. He had a special talent and incredible patience, which made him suitable for this. Maybe he could even do this full-time.

But he'd agreed to stay part-time for now. Maybe he'd continue doing this after the baby was born. All he knew was that he was going to be there for you, no matter what.

Days went by, even though they felt like years. You were so excited to give Sunghoon his gift that you could hardly wait. You even went the extra mile to craft him a special banner for him to hold up. It was bright with sparkly hearts, surely not a craft Sunghoon would make but would definitely get attention.

Both your parents and his helped you prepare everything. Crafting this felt like an art project you were making late at night on the living room floor. Sunghoon’s sister even gave her own input, even though she wasn't one to meddle in his life.

It was agreed that you would be the one giving him this gift. It wouldn't be hard to make him go, given all 6 of the special people in his life went through all that effort. He could never say no to you, therefore he couldn't deny all of you.

Everyone wanted to make you rest up a little more since it was clear you were becoming more tired as time went by. But it didn't feel special enough if you didn't give him this gift yourself. No amount of pain or constant bathroom trips was gonna make you stop.

You were quite aware of the chances of going into labour at literally any point now given how far along you've been. And, if you had to be honest, it scared you.

As excited as you were, you were just as afraid, often questioning whether you could be a good mother or whether you would be able to give your child the life they deserve.

Sunghoon had grown increasingly stressed as well. The mere sight of you wincing from a sharp kick was enough to send him into a small panic, then immediately followed by him wanting to feel it for himself.

He'd often found himself singing a little to the unborn baby, introducing himself and everything. He loved singing you to sleep as well as it seemed to be one of the few things that could calm you down enough.

And when you'd fallen asleep in his arms, he would lay in contemplation. He was finally able to use his talent of singing even if it hurt him a little to do it. He wondered what his former members really felt about his departure. He wondered just how much stress he put on them, even though they said it was okay.

In truth, he did wanna go to their showcase. His face was never really revealed, so no one in the crowd would recognize him. But, to his slight disappointment, the tickets were sold out by the time he got there.

He sighed mentally but eventually it got him thinking.

‘Maybe I could use that money to buy a ring.’

He so badly wanted to propose to you. He didn't have enough for the shiniest, glittering ring he believed you deserve but he knew that he could propose with a lollipop ring and you wouldn't care.

It wasn't much but he'd been crafting paper rings in his free time at work. Whenever he had even the slightest break, he'd attempt yet another. Some of them would break, some of them were too small or too big, some wouldn't even stay put.

“Teacher!” He heard a small yet high voice coming from the entrance of the ice rink. A smile crept onto his face as he immediately opened up his arms, letting the little girl run into him.

“Yes?” He asked with a gentle tone.

“What are you making?” She pointed down at the stash of paper rings next to him.

A little blush appeared on his cheeks as he chuckled softly before whispering to her. “If I tell you, you have to keep it a secret.”

He held his index finger in front of his lips, making a “shh” sound, her immediate response was to do the same.

“I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me.” He couldn't stop the smile on his face as the little girl covered her hand with her mouth.

“Teacher is going to get married?” She whispered back to him, getting quite excited.

He thought for a split second before nodding. “Yes. I am going to get married.”

She had let out a rather interesting sound before running off and, in that moment, he remembered that kids can't really keep secrets.

After the lesson, the kids were surrounding him on the ice, their little voices piling on top of each other as they wanted to know more about their teacher's soon-to-be wife.

“Guys, guys, calm down…” He chuckled as he quieted them down, slowly guiding them to the exit of the ice and letting them walk one by one to the dressing room.

“Teacher, teacher! Is your girlfriend pretty?” One of the kids asked him as he helped undo their skates.

He nodded. “Very pretty. The prettiest girl in the whole world.”

A series of ooohs and giggles erupted as they continued to ask about the girl that stole their teacher's heart. They were very straightforward with their questions, letting out little giggles when they saw him blushing.

“See you guys!” Sunghoon waved them all off as they walked with their parents. He couldn't stop smiling as he remembered everything he said about you. He didn't see the point in trying to swerve away from the truth, he couldn't really lie to his kids. Everyone knows kids tend to pry a lot so he may as well just tell them.

On his way back to his house, he had a bit of time to think. He was still in contact with his former members but they couldn't speak to him much as their debut showcase was the next day. He leaned his head against the window of the bus, somehow always ending up contemplating everything.

But he has you, his family, a soon-to-be stable job, and a baby on the way. He had a perfectly average life now.

By the time he reaches home, you're already waiting in the living room. You had to try containing your excitement as you tried to imagine the look on Sunghoon’s face when you gave him his gift.

A sparkly banner sat on the living room table with tons of hearts and its message in neon paint to shine in the dark.

“What's that?”

The sound of his voice made you jump slightly as you were lost in thought. He was pointing at the sparkly banner.

“It's something for you to take with you.”

You struggled to get up for a second before approaching him with the biggest smile on your face as your hands were behind your back.

“Where am I going?” He tilted his head slightly, setting his bag down before folding his arms across his chest.

You immediately pulled out the ticket from behind your back, earning the most surprised expression you'd ever seen on his face.

“What?” He sounded like he was in disbelief when he muttered, reading the ticket carefully.

“I really want you to go so I took out some of my savings and our parents helped out too!”

He blinked in response, somehow feeling a little guilty about you putting in so much effort, especially since you were broke and fresh out of high school.

“But.. I don't know, I can't,” he muttered as he gently held onto it.

“Are you saying no to me?”

He looked up at you, seeing that your eyes were slowly watering, sending him into a tiny panic.

“No, of course not! I could never say no to you.” He gently stroked your cheek with his thumb. “I'm just…”

“Are you worried I might go into labour tomorrow?” You held onto his hands, the space between you was a little awkward given how nearly round your belly was.

He nodded slightly. “What if I miss it?”

“I highly doubt it. Our baby loves you too much to come out without you at their birth.”

It took a few more minutes of conversation and him questioning the banner before he finally accepted, giving you a gentle hug as the excitement set it. He was actually excited to see his best friends again, even if it was from afar.

The kids are kinda cute ngl

Taglist: @dracena-somnolenta @seolboba @heeseongism @nyanggk

[dominic-sessa]

life update!!

i finally have some free time and havent properly posted something in so long so i thought id write up something!

first of all i want to say that ive successfully fixed my bingewatch problem in late january!! i hate to say it, but seeing how many movies i saw last year in my letterboxd wrapped really concerned me 🫤 i wanted to make an effort to make use of my time properly (after starting a new job and all) and i thought i wont let myself waste time bingeing horrible b-movies just so i can bump up the percent watched in someones filmography (its kinda tricky doing it so i made a resolution to only watch movies which interests me if i want to see more of someone)

with that said, i ended up not watching anything on weekdays and eventually think that staring at my phone for more than an hour wasnt my thing anymore (at least in the context of doing it EVERYDAY). so that may be one of the reasons why the turnaround for my hyperfixations got slower (which i think is good!).

ALSO, i do want to mention that because ive been watching less films recently i initially thought it would be great for my gif making hobby since i wont feel the pressure of wanting to gif so many movies at one sitting. i tried this in early feb and.. well... lets just say that it takes time for my very old laptop to make gifs (i had it since college during the pandemic so it was really used!). i only screen record scenes i want to gif because i hate having to wait to download AND even if i had hq clips it would take my laptop so long to render. so making something lq and having to wait 30mins just for a single gif wasnt doing it for me (bcs i said i wanted to make more use of my time).. so thats the reason why i havent posted anything lately (I REALLY REALLY wanted to make a gifset of josh whitehouse in valley girl but the quality just ended up stressing me 🫠)

and for my last update, as u can tell from my reblogs on queue, i just saw daisy jones and the six and LOVE josh whitehouse and he really got me playing the guitar again 😭😭 (i still think its a miracle!!!). ive been practicing some old pieces i used to perform when i was in high school during my 5-9's and i just had a bizzare idea of getting into the piano. i only ever played classical before, so i always had a problem doing improvs. i spent some time looking at videos on youtube and found out improvs on the piano were waay easier to play and understand, so im gonna buy a keyboard very very soon (which im so excited for)!!!! learning how to do jazz improvs on keys would probably be my new hobby and making gifs would probably be back until i get a new laptop (which at the moment is very low priority 🥲)

SO THERES THAT! Now heres an audit trail of my jan-feb hyperfixations!

still on a tom blyth high since late december 2023

dom sessa: after watching the holdovers (seriously this time)

sam claflin: i wanted to get out of the coriolanus blackhole so i ended up reading finnick odair fics 😭😭 i found out he was the lead in daisy jones and the six so i watched that! my hyperfixation didnt last tho!! i have love rosie on my watchlist but got side tracked bcs of... *drum roll*

JOSH WHITEHOUSE -i find it crazy how most of my hyperfixations are englishmen. but yes. my sweet pookie. i love him. i will try not to talk much bcs if i start i wont stop. but tldr i didnt binge his filmography so i was on his youtube channel for quite some time and spent 15mins a day there... thats maybe the reason i got into playing the guitar again? love his music videos AND love how he plays flamenco. i play classical on the guitar and am a tarrèga girl so i never bothered to learn flamenco (tarrèga hated it) . but knowing just that made me want to at least remember some pieces i used to play just so i can play again... THEN i found out he has a new movie coming up with...

malcolm mcrae: ngl his pretty face caught my eye (special shoutout to anya! literally the power couple)... my first thoughts were like 'ohh i wonder what his character is like in triton'. but then i found out hes in a band SO i was thinking ok hes in a movie w josh so theres probably gonna be something music in it. i then looked up his band and love their songs!! theyre only a duo which i think is p strong (u dont need that many ppl in a band rly!) and i watched some interviews they had too!

KANE RITCHOTTE: my babygirl. my darling. idk what to say abt him. his songs with malcolm are always so magical. ive been playing gods in the details on repeat since early feb. hes my favorite more* member. the literal musical god. im praying hell sing more songs. ALSO i was suprised he did a cameo in daisy jones and the six with malcolm (they were the one who taught some of them how to play their instruments!! i was in awe bcs malcolm was the literal billy dune. LIKE sam claflin really copied his playing style which is so neat!!)

thats all!! thanks so much if uve read up until this point ily and pls lmk what uve been up to as well 🫶

take care <3

[cielhunternorwood]

Life Sucks, Imma Talk About It

Not sure how many people actually follow after me on whatever sites at this point, but I feel like I need to get something out of my system. Firstly, about the lack of overall content lately. Outside of the Average Player videos, which are minimal at best, I've been stuck without much creative energy due to a lot of stress factors related to work.

From around December until mid- to late-March, I had a lot more work to handle at my job due to a lot of incompetent upper management over-stressing the mid-management who were working double time while the store manager was on leave from a medical procedure.

While I was bouncing between two stores to help out at first, I had to cut down to the original store due to just how excessive a lot of the demands were and how much I was basically the only reliable back-up for getting stuff done. While the plus side was that it gave me a lot of extra hours (which allowed me to buy a new, beefy desktop PC), it left me mentally exhausted and unable to really focus on anything creative.

Once the store manager began popping back in at reduced hours, though, the hours I worked went back to being absolute shit. This is, of course, bad for a lot of reasons I won't detail. However, it also put me into a realization that I'm being singled out by the store manager for whatever reason. You know that feeling of how you're treated like shit so you quit instead of get fired? It's like that.

Well, all that came to a head when the manager of the other store, someone I knew very well from my last job and helped me get the job here in the first place, flat-out quit last week. While I'm happy he chose to leave, given how much hell they put him through, it does cut off an easy means of getting more hours by helping out at the other store.

Adding on that previous plans of moving to another state to be with someone were canned thanks to the heavy hours of working giving me little prep time, I've not been in a very pleasant position overall mentally.

Most of all, the laptop I have been using up until now has been such a piece of shit in doing anything marginally laborious, which is doubly infuriating with the fact that I was "forced" to use it for gaming due to the Windows 10-only thing for a bunch of games that would run just fine on my old desktop.

And last, but not least, is that the forced necessity of living with my mentally-unstable and deranged mother has gotten worse in that she retired in December, leaving me with basically no time to be alone and free in the house.

This has all culminated in a huge dogpile of stress that has made it difficult to focus on anything remotely creative for some time now. The fact that I spent over $2k on a new PC, while necessary for what I want to do in the future, is still pretty stressful due to an uncertain money situation.

My hope has been, though, that being able to have a devoted gaming PC again will let me revert laptop usage to its original intent: creative shit. So far, it's kind of worked out, though I've basically had to give myself time to mentally relax beyond just playing video games.

The reason I decided to bring all this up now is that, well, a huge storm rolled through and knocked out power for long enough that I had to slow myself down and not expect to do anything for well over a day. The morning after it happened, I ended up setting a chair on the back porch and began reading.

That moment of quiet peace and reading turned into a much larger slowdown than I thought, and it kind of gave me time to think about what the hell's been going on in my life, while I've been rushing about trying so hard to get things done.

So, hopefully I can get my shit together soon, now that I've kicked myself out of the big rush I forced myself into the past few months. I wouldn't expect much in the writing department, since I have a lot of background stuff to work out, but I also want to find a decent hosting site for this stuff. I left Inkitt before they went AI-crazy, and I'm not sure about posting anything on Wattpad in the event I want to publish.

Expect some more shitposting in the meantime, to get some creativity flowing. I do really miss photoshopping silly things together, even if only a few people seem to enjoy them.

[justlittleguysims]

I've got writer's block something fierce, so here's a little detour from my main cast Intros. This is part one of the Pontecorvo Pizza Gang, a collection of reoccurring supporting characters from the pizzeria that Kris Battle of FCi3 works at.

From left to right we've got Cameron Washington, Rafiq Ahmed, and Marcel Washington, Cam's slightly older fraternal twin. Rafiq is the only one who actually works at Pontecorvo's, but you can always count on seeing Cam and Marcel hanging around the joint at some point during his shift, so they're practically honorary pizza boys.

Rafiq Ahmed

Age: 17 || Birthday: June 23rd ♋ || Traits: Gregarious, Geek, Genius

Rafiq first started working at Pontecorvo's over the summer to help save up money for his first car. He figured it would be the best place to work since it was within walking distance from his house, and he didn't want his mom to worry about dropping him off and picking him up after every shift. His goal was to work as many hours as he could as a cashier in order to have his car bought by the start of his junior year, so he could quit and focus on his studies, but honestly, he started to relax on that plan since he actually likes the job a lot more then he initially though he would. Now with school starting again, he's reduced his schedule down to opening shift on weekends. He's actually the cashier that ends up training Kris when she joins the pizza gang.

Cameron + Marcel Washington

Age: 17 || Birthday: August 1th ♌ || Traits: Quick Learner, Creative, Geek || Muser, Geek, Genius

Cameron, Marcel and Rafiq are best friends and have known each other since the 3rd grade. They're practically inseparable and do pretty much everything together, from playing video games, sharing manga, joining their school robotics team and even coordinating their class schedules as much as possible so they can study the same subjects together. Hell, the only reason Cam and Mars don't work with Rafiq is because they were only hiring out one cashier position at the time, and neither Cam or Mars can drive to be delivery boys.

Despite it all, Cam and Mars still make the effort to ride their bikes on over to hangout with Rafiq every shift. All they have to do is buy a drink and no one can argue with them for being there... well, some of staff does still get annoyed by them, but the owner of the place, Nate, actually likes having them around to annoy that one specific staff member who dislikes them the most, so it's chill. The three of them can often be seen joking around and talking robotics in between Rafiq taking orders. Rafiq is the ideas man, dreaming up new builds, Cameron is the designer, sketching out the blueprints, while Marcel is hard at work writing code based off his brother's designs on his laptop.

If you’ve reached this point of the post, THANK YOU for reading and please feel free to drop an ask about either of these characters. I hope to have more character updates in the coming weeks for you all. Please follow and yell at me to get shit done! Okay, thanks, BYE! 💜✨

Further Reading: OC Intros Pt. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 || Pizza Gang Pt. 1 | 2 | 3 || Family Intros Pt. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 || The Henchmen Pt. 1 | 2 || Multiverse Characters Pt. 1 || Monti’s Secret Pt. 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

[nucleariguana]

The Lyrics To Every Song In “Mandatory Fun”

My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can't take a shower When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG! I got

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later Tried to fast forward commercials, can't, I'm watching live T.V I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

Can't remember which car I drove to the mall My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems)

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I'm waking up, in Cheeto dust My belly's covered with pizza crust I'm using my inhaler now I'm out of shape, fattening up I'm sipping Coke from a Solo Cup Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

The TV's on, I really hate this show I can't reach my remote control Welcome to my new place, to my new place Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, I'm so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, highly inactive

My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied Always lose my fight with gravity I rest my bones, and just chillax, whoa My NordicTrack's collecting dust And my StairMaster's a pile of rust This is it, The Inertia, whoa

I can't get up, this couch is part of me I'm growing cobwebs on my knee Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age I could break my rib cage, here is my age Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, yes, quite inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not very active

Near comatose, no exercise Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

I'm giving up, my energy is shot I'm never moving from this spot Never move from this place, move from this place I'll stay here in this place, right in this place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, just so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not so attractive

Tuesday morning, 8:15 I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express Seemed like any other day Then my whole world changed In a way I never could have guessed 'Cause she walked in Took the seat right across the aisle I knew we had a special connection The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say "Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before" I gave her a look that said "Huh, life is funny, you never know what's in store By the way, your hair is beautiful I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked "Did you have a nose job or something? I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better Than the rest of your face" I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly Which was my way of asking "Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer? It still works, kinda And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then, she let out a long sigh Which, I took to mean, "Uh" "Mama, what is that deodorant you're wearing? It's intoxicating Why don't we drive out to the country sometime? And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare Which could only mean "You are my answer, my answer to everything Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly On the written part of my driver's test"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I knew she was starting to fall for me 'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant "Baby, lets wear each other's clothes And speak in a thick German accent And, maybe someday we can own and operate Our own mobile pet-grooming service" I couldn't hold back my feelings I gave her a look, that said "I would make any sacrifice for your love Goat, chicken, whatever I could never hold you close enough Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together Oh, surgically grafted together"

She picked up a newspaper, and started reading to herself Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me "When you're cold, I will warm you When you're shivering, I will hold you When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour For as long as the symptoms persist" Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second In a way that clearly implied "I like your boobs"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say I was trying to say, "Hey I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells That you slough off while you sleep at night" Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin But not in a creepy way"

Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard She was saying, "Oh! I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating "Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth" She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say "Here?", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly "Where are you going?", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me Think of the beautiful children we could have someday We could school them at home, raise them up the right way And protect them from the evils of the world Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no Baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus I'm sure that was her way of saying "I'm sorry this just isn't working out You're suffocating me I need some space to find out what life's all about So, goodbye forever, my love"

And deep inside, I knew she was right It was time for us both to move on And no, I never got her number, oh no no She never bothered to leave her address, oh But, as long as I live, I'll never forget Those precious moments we shared together

On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

We must all efficiently Operationalize our strategies Invest in world-class technology And leverage our core competencies In order to holistically administrate Exceptional synergy We'll set a brand trajectory Using management's philosophy Advance our market share vis-à-vis Our proven methodology With strong commitment to quality Effectively enhancing corporate synergy Transitioning our company By awareness of functionality Promoting viability Providing our supply chain with diversity (versity, ooooh) We will distill our identity Through client-centric solutions And synergy (Oooooh oooh oooh)

At the end of the day (At the end of the day) We must monetize our assets The fundamentals of change Can you visualize a value-added experience? That will grow the business infrastructure and Monetize our assets Monetize our assets Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table Our capitalized reputation Proactively overseeing Day-to-day operations Services and deliverables With cross-platform innovation Networking, soon will bring, seamless integration Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation Best of breed We'll succeed In achieving globalization

And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace It's mission-critical to stay incentivized Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for our customer base If you can't think outside the box You'll be downsized It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!) Well, it's a paradigm shift, now! (Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!)

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain We jumped never asking why We kissed, I fell under your spell A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you I can't live a life, running for my life I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me Yeah, you wreck me

All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run, outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run faster than my bullet

And we danced all night to the best song ever We knew every line, now I can't remember I think it went ooh eh ooh I think it went oohla eh ooh I think it goes eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Polka Gangnam Style Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Hey, I just met you And this is crazy But here's my number So call me, maybe And all the other boys Try to chase me But here's my number So call me, maybe

I wanna scream and shout (hey!) And let it all out And scream and shout (hey!) And let it out We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh" We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh wee ohh, wee oh wee oh"

Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know

It's going down (hey!), I'm yelling timber You better move, you better dance Let's make a night you won't remember I'll be the one you won't forget (Timber! Timber!)

I'm sexy and I know it Girl look at that body (He's sexy and he knows it)

I wear your grandad's clothes I look incredible I'm in this big old coat From that thrift shop down the road (Hey!)

That's right! (He looks incredible) I do! (He's in that big old coat) It's large! Hey, lets go! (From that thrift shop down the road)

I'm gonna pop some tags Only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm hunting, looking for a come-up This is super awesome

She's up all night 'til the sun I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night 'til the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky Up all night to get lucky

Yes, we're up all night to get Can get lucky, we're gonna get lucky, let's all get lucky We're up all night to get lucky! (Hey!)

I saw a baby drive a truck I saw a junkie eat a tuba I saw a stripper kiss a duck Behind a dumpster in Aruba

I saw this fat, psychotic guy His underwear was made of crickets He pawned a skeleton to buy Some old expired lotto tickets

I saw a naked vagrant giving Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat I probably could have gone my whole life Without seeing that

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes

I saw a mime get hacked to death With an imaginary cleaver I saw an old man's final breath I watched him die from Bieber Fever I saw these diabetic chicks In an abandoned 7-Eleven I watched them snorting pixie sticks While they were belching Stairway To Heaven

I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers They could shove up each other's nose I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose That's just the way it goes

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes

Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra And he trained it to massage his back My guinea pig committed hara-kiri So we used him to play hacky-sack My neighbor's kids sold weapons grade plutonium And frosty ice-cold lemonade They took MasterCard and sometimes Human organs in trade, that's how we paid I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade

With my own eyes I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes

Everybody shut up, woo! Everyone listen up! Hey, hey, hey, uh Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a

Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" Like people who were Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You'd better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I", "T" Followed by apostrophe, "s" Now what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case As a possessive It's a contraction What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes Syntax you're always mangling No "x" in "espresso" Your participle's danglin' But I don't want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you" Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven Or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English

One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom" Don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull What's figurative and what's literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn't get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail It's quite apparent Your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post It's really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) 'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!

Your sports team is vastly inferior That simple fact is plainly obvious to see We're gonna kick your collective posterior Of course you realize we're speaking figuratively Our stats are thoroughly impressive Our coach really has the Midas touch Our players are fast and strong and brave And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we've played teams across the nation And you're the worst one we've come across Try to assimilate that information And it just might help you cope with your impending loss Oh, and if somehow we are still failing To affectively articulate the points at hand Allow us now to summarize them in a manner That your feeble brains can understand

We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) You see there's us (we're great) And then there's you (you suck) We're really, really great (really great) In contrast, you really suck (really suck) Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat That theory's backed up by empirical evidence We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense What's the use of even going through the motions When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow So why don't you save us all some time And give up now (you suck!)

I never seem to finish all my food I always get a doggie bag from the waiter So I just keep what's still unchewed And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation Microbes, enzymes, mold and oxidation I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve

I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight

With aluminum foil (Foil) Never settle for less That kind of wrap is just the best To keep your sandwich nice and fresh

Stick it in your cooler (Cooler) Eat it when you're ready Then maybe you'll choose (You'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose) A refreshing herbal tea Mmm, lovely!

Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code I've figured out these shadow organizations And the Illuminati know That they're finally primed for world domination

And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border Puppet masters for the New World Order Be aware: There's always someone that's watching you And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil (Foil) Wear a hat that's foil lined In case an alien's inclined To probe your butt or read your mind

Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar) Seems a little crazy But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove) There's a big conspiracy

One time I was in the checkout line Behind Steven Seagal Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill Was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend's brother Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2 My neighbour's baby sitter Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue I swear Jack Nicholson Looked right at me at a Laker's game

I got a lame Lame claim to fame

Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria Well, he sure sounded legit My sister used to take piano lessons From the second cousin of Ralph Nader Last year I threw up in an elevator Next to Christian Slater Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's Are exactly the same

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame

Once at a party, my dentist accidentally Sneezed on Russell Crowe I posted first in the comments On a YouTube video I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi But he told me this seat's taken I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon

I had a car that used to belong To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle A friend of mine in high school Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel One time I was staying in the same hotel As Zooey Deschanel I used the same napkin dispenser As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell Well I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame I'm talking lame Lame claim to fame A really really really lame Lame claim to fame

Ow, let's get lame boys

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman) Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion) And I'm the greatest in the business Want referrals, yo My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right) I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?) There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah) I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks) Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted) Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck) When your front window is busted (hey hey hey) Just one man that's always trusted

I'm so handy, you already know I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets over flows I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code When your dishwasher's about to explode

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer But all your pipes are antique Your water pressure's too weak You got an attic full of dry rot Because your roof sprung a leak Your fridge is starting to reek Your hardwood floors really squeak But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I'm so handy, everyone said so I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (OW!)

Still rocking my screwdriver Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGuyver Your heating bills are shocking I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking Your house is a disaster, huh? Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh? Let me be your stripper Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker

I'm so handy, you already know I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low I'm so handy, you should call this pro I'm in the phone book and se habla Español It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid I Instagram every meal I've had All my used liquor bottles are on display We can go to see a show but I'll make you pay

Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks (Because I'm tacky) Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined Crocs (Because I'm tacky) Never let you forget some favor I did for you (Because I'm tacky) If you're okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too

I meet some chick, ask her this and that Like 'Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat?' (what?) Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly That's what Kanye West keeps telling me, here's why

Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants (Because I'm tacky) Got my new resume it's printed in Comic Sans (Because I'm tacky) Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review (Because I'm tacky) If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too

Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I never know why Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, it's pointless to try Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said

43 Bumper Stickers and a YOLO license plate (Because I'm tacky) Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date (Because I'm tacky) Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV (Because I'm tacky) Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they're free (Because I'm tacky) I get drunk at the bank And take off my shirt, at least (Because I'm tacky) I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased (Because I'm tacky) If I'm bit by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you (Because I'm tacky) If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too

[the-last-airbadger]

My 2023

I almost cannot believe how quickly this year passed by. It feels like one moment it was only February, and then I blinked once and suddenly Christmas carols were playing on the radio again. I think part of the reason this year went by so quickly was because I didn’t do much…? for most of the year? For a good solid 7-ish months I was just stuck at home applying for jobs day in and day out, and that type of life is just not very eventful. That doesn’t mean nothing eventful ever happened though! If you look at the big life events that happened this year, I actually did quite a lot this year! It was just a very slow process to get from one step to the next, with a lot of nothing in between. But in the end, I got where I wanted to go, and that is what counts! Now it’s time to figure out where to go next…

The Beginning of 2023 vs Now

I was in a very different place in my life at the start of the year. First of all, I was all caught up in a crush on one of my friends a year ago… It’s both weird that that was already a year ago and hard to imagine that that still felt like such a big deal back then. The situation escalated a bit in the first month(s) of the year (which I will not go into, but those who know know [eyes emoji]), but in the end it worked out for the best. I got over my crush, and we’re still very good friends, so I’m much happier about that part of my life at the moment.

Another big difference between me at the start of the year and me now was that back then I still had my reproductive organs. I had surgery at the start of the year, in the second week of January, and I feel much better now that they’re gone. Even though it wasn’t exactly fun to spend the first two months of the year in recovery, they were well worth it. So not only was I able to rid myself of worries and discomfort, I also got another step further in my transition.

The final big change: Back then I was technically still a Master student. Now I’m a graduate with a job. Is that a good change? Well, I’m definitely a step further in the grand path of my life, so technically that’s a yes. But does it feel like a step forward? I’m not sure. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a student. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I can earn some money now and start building up the rest of my life, but I do often feel that I was happier back then. In that sense, it sometimes feels like I’ve taken a step backwards. But I guess progress in life isn’t always linear, so we’ll just have to see where next year brings us!

So yeah, in multiple aspects, I do feel like this year was the year I grew up a bit and moved on to the next stage of my life. So even if I’m not entirely happy with where I am now, I am proud of what I’ve managed to accomplish!

The Best Things about 2023

Hmm… this one is a hard one this year. I mean, it’s not like nothing great happened, not at all. But I do feel like there were fewer stand-out moments this year compared to the previous years. Nonetheless, there are still plenty of great things that happened this year. First of all: surgery! Of course, the surgery itself wasn’t great, but the result of it definitely was. I already feel much better in my skin than before I had surgery, and though I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, I’m glad I got to take a big step forward this year.

Then, to get a bit less serious, another great thing that happened this year was that my brother bought a playstation! I’ve played so many cool games this year: Spider-Man, Spider-Man: Miles Morales, Stray, and more… I never thought I’d enjoy playstation games this much, but man have I spend many hours on my couch gaming on the playstation. It was awesome! And that reminds me that I also got a new Laptop this year, which I’m also super happy with (my old one was falling apart), which also allowed me to buy some awesome new PC games, so I think you can say it was a good year for games! And Spider-Man 2 and Baldur’s Gate came out this year, which is pretty cool too!

In March, I received my Master’s degree, which you could say is also a big highlight of the year. I still can’t believe I’m completely done with my studies. All these years that felt like such a faraway milestone… it’s so weird to suddenly have reached it. Which reminds me: another big highlight was my first salary! I’ve earned money before, but nothing beats your first grown-up salary.

I don’t want to make this too long, so I’m going to go through the next few highlights a bit quicker, but that definitely means that these are less important. They are perhaps a bit less grand, a bit more trivial, but no less important to making the year what it was. This year, I saw Dan Howell live again, I bought a tablet and started learning how to do digital art, I went to Toverland with friends (I was so excited!), I celebrated October 3rd in Leiden for the first time, I also went to comic con for the first time, my D&D character died and got a boyfriend (sort of), many great movies were released (Across the spiderverse, guardians of the galaxy, the D&D movie, Barbie, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, many of which I saw in the cinema with friends), great music was released (SHINee Hard, Taemin Guilty, Loossemble and ARTMS… what more do you want?), I got new glasses, aaand I think that is about it? Oh no, wait, how could I forget! The new doctor who episodes!! I was so hyped about those, and they did not disappoint! It was great to see David Tennant and Catherine Tate back in doctor who again, and it looks like Ncuti is going to be a fantastic doctor too, so I can’t wait for the new season to air next year!

So yeah, despite the fact that I may not consider the year 2023 as a whole to be much of a highlight year, many great things did still happen this year, and I’m very glad that they did!

My Resolutions for 2023?

Oh boy. I already took a quick look at them earlier today, and there are definitely a few that I did not complete. However, I do happen to know that I did set a lot of life goals that I was quite sure I was going to reach, and that I have in fact succeeded at most of those, so it might not be all bad! Let’s just grab last year’s list and see how well I did this time!

Life Goals:

Have Surgery! Obviously, my biggest goal for the year is to just finally have my hysterectomy and vaginectomy. I know it might seem like a bit of a cop-out to put something on my list that is very likely to happen, but the recovery is going to be tough, and you never know for sure it’s actually going to happen until it has happened, so if I have had surgery and recovered from it, it will still feel like a major accomplishment – Success! I had surgery, and it was indeed tough, but I got out better on the other side. I made it through, and I’m proud of that

Find a job! The next big goal is to find a job so I can start my new life as a certified adult – Another success! I found my job a bit later than I initially expected (in the end I started in November rather than in April like I’d thought I would), but a success nonetheless!

Move out! It’s going to be difficult to find a place to live in this economy, but once I have the money it will be my main goal. It really is time for me to have my own place. – That’s a fail, I’m afraid. Partially because I only found a job in November, but also partially because I think I underestimated how hard it is to even find a house. Granted, I haven’t tried yet, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it’ll be challenging before the end of next year. Especially since I’ve realized that it might be smart to save a bit of money first. So yeah, that was a fail, but I still really want to move out, so I’m going to try again next year!

Get on the waiting list for phalloplasty. I really need phalloplasty, so the sooner I get on the waiting list, the better. – Success! I got on the waiting list on October 13th, after a phone call with my surgeon. Right now, it looks like 2025 (or maybe 2026) is going to be the year of Phalloplasty for me, which is still painfully far away, but at least I know now that it’s slowly getting closer every single day. Slow progress can be agonizing, but at least it’s still better than no progress at all!

Save some money. I have many saving accounts that are currently empty, and I have very little money overall. However, once I have a job, I might actually be able to save some money, so I hope that next year I’ll be halfway to my goal in 4 of my savings accounts. – I’m going to count this as a fail, since I’m not even halfway to my goal in one of my savings accounts, unfortunately. I am saving money right now, but unfortunately this year the amount of money in my account decreased significantly before I finally managed to earn something new. So yeah, no success on saving just yet, but again, a good goal for next year!

Buy a new laptop OR a piano. My laptop is falling apart a little bit, and I haven’t played the piano in ages, so I hope that I’ll be able to buy either a new laptop or a piano sometime next year! However, whether I can get a piano or not will depend on whether I’ll have my own house, whether there will be space in that house, and how much money I’ll be earning haha. – Success! Bought a new laptop as soon as I got my first salary in November and honestly that was probably the best purchase I’ve made all year. No regrets!

As soon as I'm recovered enough from my surgery, I want to do push-ups regularly again so I can build up a little bit of strength again. However, it's going to really depend on how long I'll take to recover after surgery, so I don't know whether I'll actually be able to do this. – Okay, this is more than a success. I didn’t just start doing push-ups again, I’m actually going to the gym every week now. I don’t think I could’ve predicted that I’d ever become a gym person a year ago, but that’s the fun thing about life, isn’t it? You never know exactly what is going to happen!

Reading Goals:

Read 25 Books! I know that’s a lot less than what I read this year, but I feel like I will be busy enough next year with other things, so I don’t know how much time I’ll have for reading. Still, I don’t want to neglect reading completely, so 25 books! If I succeed, I can go higher again the year after! – Fail, unfortunately. I read only 21 books this year. I haven’t really figured out yet how to combine reading (and my other 10 hobbies) with working full-time, but that will be a challenge for next year!

Get to a point where I only own 5 unread books at a time. I’m so close. I know I can do it – Nope. Currently have 19 unread books lying around in my room… :(

Finish reading at least 6 of the 12 series I’m in the middle of. I realized this year that it happens way too often that I start a series and don’t finish it, and then when I decide to continue the series I’ve forgotten what happened in the previous book, and that’s just a shame. So this year, I’m going to finish series instead of start them, and hopefully next year at this point I’ll only be in the middle of 6 series instead of 12… - Nope… I finished a grand total of 3 series… Very sad…

Read 5 Rick Riordan Presents books. I still want to catch up on these books as well. I’m in the middle of 2 Rick Riordan Presents series at the moment, so if I finish those that’s already 3 books. Then the next Rick Riordan Presents series I want to read only has two books, so I want to try to read those too. – Another fail… this is starting to get a bit depressing…

Keep reading classics. I want to read at least 2 new classics next year because I do want to keep reading those even though I’m done with my studies. However, I also don’t want to force myself to read too many of them against my will, so I think 2 is a good number. – Success! Yay! I’m glad I still managed to read some classics this year. I might be done with my studies, but I’m not ready to let English Literature go just yet. There are still so many classics that I haven’t read yet, and as an ex-literature student, I feel like it’s my duty to read as many of them as possible!

Keep up with new releases! And by that I mean, read the new Truly Devious book, Percy Jackson book, and Nevermoor book in the year they’re released, so in 2023! – Another success again! Nice! I read all of these books except the Nevermoor book, but that’s because that one got postponed, so it hasn’t actually been released yet. Hopefully I’ll be able to read that next year!

Art Goals:

Make 5 big art pieces. By that I mean I want to complete at least 5 drawings where I give them my all – colour it to my best abilities, add a background, and most importantly, don’t rush it! I want to make sure they are the best I can do. – Fail, but close! I finished 4 big artpieces this year, and I’m almost halfway through the fifth one! So I did my best!

Draw 2 more character posters for my D&D group. I drew 2 characters last year for my friends and framed both drawings, and they turned out so well and were so fun to make that I want to draw our entire party like that. However, they also took a lot of time, so 2 in a year should work. – Success! I drew one more character poster, and then made a drawing of our entire party for our DM. Currently, the only character that’s still left to draw is my own, so I will hopefully finish that one next year!

Other Goals:

Finish the following 3 games: Life is Strange: Before the Storm, Subnautica: Below Zero, and Skyrim. If I finish other games that is cool too, but these are the ones I really want to finally finish! – Okay, so here’s the thing. I finished quite a few games this year: Life is Strange: Before the Storm (as I said I would!), The original Life is Strange, Spider-Man, Spider-Man: Miles Morales, Stray, Professor Layton and the Spectre’s Call… and I also once again played a lot of Sims, so overall not such a bad year! But did I finish Skyrim and Subnautica: Below Zero? ……..

Finish the Heartstopper comics and watch the Netflix show – yes and no. I finished the Heartstopper comics, but then a new one came out in December which I don’t own yet. As for the show, I finished the first season! And then the second one came out, which I haven’t watched yet. So…. Kind of? But not really…

Check out some Doctor Who audio adventures! I put those off for when I needed to recover for surgery, so I should really actually listen to some of them while I’m recovering from my surgery. – Again, yes and no. I did check one out, but I only did so this week, and I haven’t gotten very far into them, so… yes? But not really in the way I meant.

If I do actually manage to get a piano, I want to start playing regularly again. It’s been way too long since I’ve done that (however, if I don’t manage to get a piano, I won’t count it as a fail, but will leave this goal for 2024, since I don’t know if I’ll be in the position to get a piano this year) – Hmmm, another ambiguous one. I don’t own a piano yet, but I am trying to get into the habit to play at least once a week, for about an hour on Sunday mornings. I haven’t really built up the habit yet, but I am working on it. So… kind of?

So that’s 19 total of which there were 8 successes, 8 fails, and 3 ambiguous answers. Honestly, I don’t think that’s so bad! I thought it would be worse, but I honestly did quite well this year, if I may say so myself! Only the reading goals could use a lot more work next year…  

Expectations for 2024

This time, I find it much harder than usual to kind of know what to expect next year. I used to have a bit of an idea how a year would go, with school and university and all, but now? I don’t know. The future feels very blank and empty right now, which sounds kind of depressing but could also be a good thing. Empty means open, and open means that anything could happen. There could be so many cool things waiting for me this year without me even knowing it yet!

But a prediction like this is of course no fun without any specific examples, so I’m just going to try and guess what I think is going to happen. After all, the more wrong I am, the more fun I will have next year when I look back on this. So, right now it looks like I will work at my current workplace until the end of June, after which I can either decide to stay or move on to something else. I think I will decide to move on. My work right now is fine, but not something I want to settle for, so if I get the opportunity do try out something else I will definitely take it. So my guess is I’ll keep doing my current job until June, and then move on to the next one. In the meantime, I think I will mostly spend my weekends focused on my hobbies and my social life. I will keep going to the gym each Tuesday (and hopefully get a bit fitter!), keep going to Choir every Thursday, and try to find out how to balance working full-time with having a lot of hobbies. I will also keep saving money each month, so that when I’ll finally find myself a house, I’ll have enough money to actually furnish it. I also think I might end up buying a car at some point, since that is just going to save me so much time (and maybe even money too!). So, if I look at how my saving is going right now, I might be able to buy a car somewhere in the summer, which I might actually do.

I also still want to move out next year, after I’ve saved some money. So I think I will spend the first six months saving, and will then start seriously looking for a place to live. I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually find something before the year ends, but I want to at least have put the wheels in motion by then. And if I do find a place to live, I think that can go two ways: either I find a place somewhere in the same area that I live now (so in either one of the biggest adjacent cities), or I will find a place with a friend and live in the city where I used to study back in the day. Either way, I think I would be happy to have my own place. And if I have a car, nothing is really that far away.

So I’ll work, buy a car, move out. Take another few steps on the great path of life. I’ll turn 25 in June, which is already a major milestone in and of itself, but I’ve also always thought that 25 would be the perfect time to meet a lifelong partner, so maybe I’ll actually get lucky this time! You never know what the future will hold, so I might as well dream a little.

I probably won’t make any major progress in my transition, but I will get closer to 2025 which will hopefully be the year of phalloplasty. Plus, for the type of surgery I chose, I’ll need to lose a bit more weight, so that will be another goal I will work on in 2024. I’ll try to eat healthy and take care of my body, and hopefully reach my first goal before my appointment in April.

As for the rest of my year, I think I’ll have to leave that open. I do think I’ll renew my contract in October if I get the opportunity to, but other than that I have no idea what the future will hold. I know I want another job eventually, but I don’t think I will make drastic changes this year. This year will just be for exploring. Exploring what I want, exploring what I am good at and how I like to spend my time. My guess is that 2024 will be a relatively calm year where my life stays roughly the same. But 2025… something tells me that will be the year of big changes. So maybe a bit of calm before the storm is exactly what I’ll need.

Oh, and ARTMS will probably release an album this year. I’m looking forward to that!

2024 Resolutions

And now it’s time for my favourite part! Plans for the next year! I’m excited, motivated, and probably way too ambitious because I’ve once again got many plans for the coming year! I’ve mentioned most of my major goals already in the previous section about my expectations, but I’ve also still got many smaller, hobby-related goals that I am quite excited about! First of all, I really want to make this year the year of reading and writing. I’ve been getting into reading again this week and I am really realizing how much I’ve missed it, so I’m going to try to work it back into my life again, and I’ve got a plan for that! I want to be much more intentional with my time this year. After all, I keep complaining that I don’t have enough time in a day, but then I proceed to spend two hours aimlessly scrolling on youtube. If I only manage to replace my youtube time with hobby time, I could already win so many hours back! And what better to spend those hours on than reading and writing?

But that’s enough of my waffling! Let’s get into this year’s resolutions!

Life goals

Save money. I finally have a stable income, and I don’t have any rent to pay yet, so that means it’s the perfect time for saving money! This time, I want to have reached my goal in at least two of my savings accounts, I want to be halfway to my goal in at least 4 accounts total, and want have saved at least 1/6th of my goal in my emergency backup fund.

Buy a car. I don’t know if I’ll actually end up doing this, but right now this is something I want to work towards, so I’m just putting it on the list.

Move out. It’s time. Once I’ve saved a bit of money, it really is time to move out. I’m almost 25, and I definitely don’t want to keep living with my mother for much longer now. Moving out is a big change, and it feels a bit scary to have to truly start relying on my own income and money-managing skills, but that’s exactly why I should do it. It’s going to be hard to find a place, but I’ll sure as hell give it my best shot!

Keep going to the gym, lose some fat, and build some muscle! For my surgery, I had to lose around 5 kilograms before April, and I have a feeling it’s only going to be more after that. I’m okay with that though. Before covid, back when I was still skinny and somewhat active, I weighed significantly less than I do now, and I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to get back to around that weight. So, to give myself an actual measurable goal: I want to weigh less than 70 kg in April, and around 65 kg by the end of the year. As for the muscle… I’ll count on pictures document my progress there!

Writing Goals

Finish writing a draft for the first half of my book. Originally, I wanted to have my whole draft finished by the end of the year, but looking at the speed of my writing right now and considering how busy I will be once work starts again, I think getting halfway there is a much more realistic goal. Though I love being ambitious, if my goals are too unrealistic I tend to give up, so I think I’ll actually accomplish more here by putting the bar a bit lower here. So finish half a draft! I don’t think I’ll be able to pinpoint exactly where the halfway point of my story is, but I think I’ll know whether or not I have reached that point next year. If anything, I think I probably should have written at least 8 chapters. Maybe 10…

Build a habit of writing. I want to try to find a fixed moment every week that I can devote to writing. How else am I ever going to finish that draft?

Reading Goals

Read 24 books! This year, I’m going to set my reading challenge at 24 books. It’s a bit of a random number, one book less than my previous goal, but 24 a year means exactly two books a month, and that feels reasonable!

I still want to work on trying to reduce the amount of unread books I own. However, I feel like trying to read all 19 books I own now, plus all the books I might buy and the books I might get as gifts throughout the year, is simply not feasible. Therefore, I think this time I will instead focus finishing at least half of the books I currently own. In fact, I think I’ll make a list of 10 books I own now that I want to have read by the end of the year. Those books are going to be:

The Hero of Ages

The Anatomy of Story

Rule of Wolves

Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality

Cress

If We Were Villains

The Dawn of Yangchen

Gregor and the Prophecy of Bane

Gregor and the Curse of the Warmbloods

The Fault in Our Stars

Read more non-fiction books and classics on my phone! One way I feel like I can significantly increase the amount of time I spend reading is by reading more books on my phone! Usually, the biggest reason why I don’t read while travelling is simply because pulling out my book often feels inconvenient. Either it’s busy and I have to stand, or my bag is so full I can’t find my book, or I only have a few minutes before I’ll have to stuff my book back in my bag again and rush out of the vehicle. But what do I always do in those situations? I pull out my phone. So if I just purchase some books in google books – something like non-fiction because it reads similarly to a webpage, or maybe a few classics because those tend to be quite cheap on there – and read those instead of scrolling reddit… I think that would be good for my reading goal! So this year, I want to have purchased and read at least 3 books on my phone!

Read 4 classics! Like I said, I want to keep reading classics, especially since I’ve been enjoying reading classics so much more now that I no longer have to. As for which ones… well, I definitely want to have read 1984 at least once. I also really want to read more Virginia Woolf, so I want to read at least one of her books this year.

Finish 5 series! Currently, I’m in the middle of 10 series, and that’s way too many. So I want to finish at least 5 of them.  I especially want to finish Aru Shah, The King of Scars Duology, The Mistborn Trilogy, and the Lunar Chronicles. The 5th one I’ll leave open for myself. I guess that one is going to depend on what I feel like reading this year!

Finish my Heroes of Olympus Reread. I reread the first three books of this trilogy in 2022 and then never continued… I really want to reread the final two books in the series as well.

Art Goals

Finish the character poster of my own D&D character! I already have the frame ready, and it’s starting to look so cool. I really want to finish this drawing as soon as I can!

Finish at least 1 of the two art projects that I have planned for my D&D group. I won’t go into detail here in case one of them ends up reading this, but I have two pretty cool art-related gift ideas for my D&D group, and I want to have finished at least one of them!

Draw 5 digital character posters. I really want to develop my digital art skills, as well as create some more character posters for some of my own characters. What better way to work on both of those goals by combining the two and drawing some digital posters?

Finally use the paint my grandparents gave me last year, and make a painting

Fill 2-5 pages in my physical sketchbook with coloured drawings, using the new coloured pencils I bought this month. I bought these pencils for a reason. I want to learn how to use them.

Other Goals

Finish 5 games. I’m once again going to try to finish Subnautica: Below Zero and Skyrim, since it’s starting to bother me that I still haven’t yet. This is probably going to be the third year in a row that I’m going to try to finish Skyrim… I better actually do it this time. As for the other three, I definitely want to finish Baldur’s Gate. I also want to finish my replay of Detroit: Become Human, as it would be a shame to quit halfway through.  As for the final game… I don’t know. Maybe if I ever come into the possession of a PlayStation 5, I’ll finally get to play Spider-Man 2! If not, we’ll see! I’m sure I’ll find a nice game that I really want to finish next year!

Actually properly check out the Doctor Who audio adventures. I’ve started one of them and really enjoyed it, so next year I want to have listened to at least 4 full 8th Doctor Adventures CD’s on Spotify. I have a feeling I will like those

And that is about all I can think of! Really, I feel like if only I can manage to free up enough time to work on these goals, 2024 could be a wonderful year! I may not have my dream life just yet, but that doesn’t mean I never will. I’ll keep working towards my goals, and hopefully get closer to finding out what my ideal life looks like every year. I don’t know what this next year will have in store for me, but I’m ready to find out!

Last year's post: (x)

[cisthehuman]

2024--Wow it's in 2 days!

It's been a wild ride both personally and stream wise!

What Went Down in 2023:

Graduated w/ my Masters, and with that paid my way through grad school

Got diagnosed with PCOS and began treatment!

Got a part time job in my field!

Rebranded and started streaming again!

Started the CisLunar Visual Novel

Started a new music youtube!

(Please check it out! I put all of my tunes on there!)

What to look forward to in 2024!

I have major goals/projects I want to accomplish!

Project 1: The CisLunar Visual Novel!

My multimedia project, CisLunar, is one that has been in the works since I first started streaming possibly 2 or 3 years ago. It is only recently that I decided to take streaming seriously so while I've had my account for a while, I feel like I've only gotten in the swing of things earlier in December. Cislunar, a real word, means "between earth and the moon". It was a random word I found out about while I completed a word search on my phone and ever since, a story has been growing. Plus, as I go by Cis, it really fits lol

The crux of the story is about grief--acknowledging it, processing it, and adapting from it. Almost 3 years ago, I suddenly lost my father. I have been riddled with several emotions that I wanted to process and thus this story is born.

The story follows Lunar Sun (she/they), an alien cat woman who lives on Planet GJ504b (the pink planet). She is a radio host by day and a mafia informant by night. While she smiles and laughs, she's been making a dangerous habit, one that leads her to a new up and coming job. Online entertainment is at an all time high with entertainers reaching different people across the galaxy. The trouble is, people would like to keep their anonymity. Thus the now booming job of Mutualistic Parasite is born. Because they have nothing else to lose, Lunar takes the job leading them to Cis the Parasite (she/they). Cis the Parasite is quiet, stoic, and clearly a loner. Lunar believes they can be partners, but doesn't realize they have more in common with the earthling...

Ooooooh So Interesting! So Wonderous! It's So Unfinished LOL

So we have some goals for this year regarding the VisNovel:

Finish the script for the CisLunar Visual Novel!

Finish designing characters for the CisLunar Visual Novel!

Actually learn ren'py programming!

Project 2: Streaming

I started streaming part time on December 6 (I believe lol I'm bad with dates)! It's been so wonderful so far! Thanks to some wonderful artists, things look much shinier and new! Please take a gander at my twitch page (and follow! you know you want to):

I've been having fun playing games and drawing and I can't complain! However, there is one small issue--I don't get many viewers. While it is true that with whatever I make, I don't do things for numbers or follows, it is also true that streaming alone can be quite lonesome (shoutout to calcium for making it when they can and being a trooper in the chat! I genuinely perk up when you pop in because it is not just me anymore LOL).

That being said, I have a couple of goals for streaming this year!

Get 50 followers

Have at least 10 people chatting in chat.

Slowly but surely complete the PC-98 inspiration for my streams (I actually got a head start on this one; already got a new overlay commissioned~)

Learn more things I can do with obs plugins, to help with the PC-98-ification of the streams

Buy a better laptop to stream on (this one is nice and it lagging helps with the old school vibe I'm going for, but I need some better performance!)

And a big far away goal--have a big named vtuber say I'm their fave obscure streamer lolol

Project 3: Music!

Honestly, because of work and at the time how tired I was due to my health, I didn't have enough capacity to put out the big bulk of music I made. I literally have at the least 40 tracks that are just on soundtrap LOL

With that being said, starting in the new year, I plan to finally put this music out there! It needs to be out into the wild! I'm also going to do my best to draw a cover for each album as well (this is where the backlog gets created), but I've allowed myself to be happy with a cool free use image as well lol. With that being said, there are already 5 albums ready to be posted. They just need cover images and they'll be put up!

I'm also close to finishing Vol.3 of Cosmic Canary Radio aka the stream music! Getting close to 50 tracks so it's the biggest one so far. I believe I have 5 tracks left and then I'll be done! Here are some tracks as a preview of what's in Vol.3

(lol not all the bands use caps in their name, that's just a hilarious coincidence for the ones I chose to put here)

For this project, the goals are:

put out finished albums!!!

Put out Vol 3 of Cosmic Canary Radio!

Make a section (or separate tumblr) for the fake bands in this universe!

Project 4: Quasar

This is a very far away project, but I'd like to get much farther on it in hopes of working on it while finishing CisLunar Visual Novel.

Quasar has been in the works for at least 8 years now, but I've finally worked on it in earnest the past two years. It's influenced by shows/movies like Redline, Motorcity, Speedracer (the movie more than the show), etc. It connects with the zeitgeist within CisLunar loosely so unfortunately I need to get CisLunar started before I can start posting some things about it (I might break that rule though).

Goals for this project include:

finish designing characters

finalize how the story will be provided to readers

complete the plot lol

I have some personal goals too, but I won't go into to much depth here. Most of them revolve around my own mental and physical health, and while I said I would be open to a degree about my issues to help convey there is a real life human in reality behind this screen, I'll leave it at I'm gonna learn to live with PCOS and I'm tired of having a mentally sick mind. While this year has been quite positive for me, I also had some major lows that stopped me from doing what I love--creating things.

LOL ALSO--I plan to update this tumblr more! More sketches and designs and me putting my stream schedule on here and stuff! That was a run on sentence but it is to show how much stuff is going to be on here now!

This was an EXTREMELY long post, but I wanted to write out all of my goals. Maybe I'll come back at the end of next year and see how well I did!

Until then, seeeee youuu neext tiiimmeeeeee!

[daisy-dooodles]

About me :D

hi, hello! to start this blog off I think it would be nice to introduce myself a little, so here go a couple of basic questions about me...

What's your name? I go by Daisy in English (cause it's way cuter and easier than my original name in Polish lol and I really like flowers). But let's say my initials are MP, that's why I sign my artwork with it :D

What are your pronouns? She/Her

How old are you? I'm 22 years old, living that early 20s crisis lol

Do you have a degree in art? Nope, I went to uni for Romance Philology, cause I really enjoy languages, literature and different cultures too. But I've always liked art too as a side project!

So why this blog? Well, I don't really know what I want to do in life, so I decided to make this to start taking it more seriously as a possible actual job or just a way of having a place less chaotic than my insta to show the art I'm proud of sort of like a portfolio (and maybe even some behind the scenes I never shared...)

And what would you like to work in? I feel like a creative space would be cool. Maybe like editorial work, maybe designing stuff for books... idk, but I like the idea of being able to work on many different things instead of doing the same for years on end...

Do you do original art or fanart? Both. I have many ideas, sometimes I get obsessed with a show or something and want to try making fanart for it, but I have many original ideas too!

Is it traditional or digital art? Well, I enjoy both immensely. Because I sort of moved to Poland from Spain I don't have many of my supplies, so I'm resorting to digital more. I use the XP-Pen Deco 01 V2 tablet to draw. The program I use is Medibang Paint (and I am thinking of buying Clip Studio in the future when I have more resources at hand, cause I heard it's really good!) Unfortunately, my laptop is not great at colours, so I really like Medibang for letting me upload to the cloud and letting me deal with the colours on my phone :D (none of this is sponsored btw, I'm just sharing my experience)

How would you describe your art style? "I'm just trying" lol. I don't have one, I just try new and different things and supplies and programs as I feel like it. Many times it depends on what feeling I want the piece to have, so that makes me try and learn new techniques and I really enjoy doing that :D

Do you do commissions? Maybe a store? No, I don't. I'm not ready for something like that yet. Maybe down the line uploading stuff to pages like redbubble could be an option, I don't know much about how any of this works, I'll be figuring it out slowly

Can I message you? Please do, for anything! You wanna be mutuals and share with me silly posts or about a fandom we share? Go ahead! Do you need advice or vent to someone? DMs are open :D

What fandoms are you in? Well, I was in Sanders Sides for a long time, but I don't really go there anymore, maybe when we get more content I might just jump back in, though I still follow Thomas and check his content when I can cause I still enjoy it! I do enjoy figure skating and follow a bit on Yuzuru Hanyu, mostly Then we have my most recent fandoms I am kinda obsessed with: MDZS and BTS. Yeah, wild stuff. Have I drawn anything about them? Not yet really, I do have one MDZS sketch I'm working on, and a couple based on BTS songs, so maybe soon I'll share those here cause I feel quite proud of them so far :D I do enjoy many other series and films, but I don't think I'd be able to just list them cause it's so random. You can always ask if you need a friend to whom you get to be weird to, no judgement, we all be like that! I ranted about BTS to my bestie who knows basically nothing about them for almost a year now and they still love me nonetheless hahahah

(...yeah, so let's leave it at that for now, will update when new things pop in my head)

see you around 💜

[thiscrimsonsoul]

{out of paprikash} So... my laptop decided to fry its harddrive this morning, and that means a lot of very negative things for me. Explanation and bit of a rant below, but I can’t promise how much writing I will get done tonight. It depends on time, mood, muse, and whether I even feel like being here, given my extreme mood drop. I will try to do what I can.

This has hit me hard for a number of reasons. First, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t backed up my files in six months. That means I’ve lost six months of writing progress on various projects, six months of work on Tumblr (files with tags, info dumps, headcanons, icons, reaction gifs, anything I’ve updated in my archives... it’s just how I organize my brain), and six months of music and photos.

The most heartbreaking of these losses is the writing/editing progress I’ve lost on various WIPs, but also I lost an entire folder containing pictures and videos of a pet that died recently. I had removed them all from my phone already, thinking they were archived on my computer, but hadn’t backed them up yet. It’s like losing him all over again. I also had pictures from my grandmother’s birthday, going out with my dad to our favorite pub, and other family things I can just never get back.

Understandably, and especially given that lately I’ve just been hit with one thing right after the other for several months now and I’m exhausted, this has very much taken me down and made me feel quite defeated. It is especially infuriating because I was planning on backing up all my files today, since I would have some time to finally do it and I just had a terrible feeling like I needed to do it soon. One more day... could have changed so much for me. But here I am.

I do have a backup laptop that I am using right now, but it is very old, very slow, and it has the processing power of a drunken snail. I can’t do the majority of daily things I do with my main laptop on this one, but at least I can still work and answer email so I won’t lose my job and I can do basic writing. No games, nothing with pictures or videos, but just basic stuff. But of course, that won’t help me get any of my files back. My dad is going to work on the drive to see if anything is salvageable, but there is absolutely no guarantee at all that it will be.

But the worst part... is that as of midnight tonight, my students have their first two forums assignments due. Which means... by tomorrow... I will have 600 forums posts to grade by Thursday, and now I have to do that on a slow, old, clunky computer that freezes up or shuts itself off if you so much as look at it funny. To give you an idea, it usually takes me about an hour and a half to grade one section of students. I have five sections. And that timing was with my fast-as-hell main laptop. On this slow ass boi? Who knows how long it will take me now.

And lastly, I cannot be without a fast, reliable computer. My entire job is online. The majority of my hobbies are as well. So... I will have to run out in the next day or so to purchase a brand new computer, having very little time to research which one I want to buy and paying full price because there are no sales going on right now to speak of. This is going to kick my finances in the ass like you would not believe. And when I get it home, I will have hours’ if not days’ worth of installing, configuring, file populating, organizing, anti-virusing, and settings adjusting to accomplish ASAP.

I will likely be getting the new computer Wednesday, since tomorrow I have to work all day, and I need tonight to try to do some research on what to buy. I’m not going to go on hiatus from all my blogs because I think doing some writing will help keep me sane, but my activity may be low until I get the new computer and can situate myself with it.

I’ll update on my other blogs as they are scheduled this week to let you know what’s going on. Please bear with me and sorry for yet another reason why I can’t just be here to write like I want to. Eventually the universe has to run out of things it can fuck up in my life, right? Right?  R i g h t ?

[housefashionblog24]

hardstyle remixes

Right now I'm browsing #hardstyle videos

Its too bad I am too ugly and trash for these people every day I feel sad about my ugly hands and feet and face and I'm so stupid

I will just watch some more hart to hart. There's no ads, but I've been harassed with postal mail junk mail and ads on youtube related to my past legal problems, what is the point? All the channels I subscribe to are taunting me about puking because I've struggled with eating disorders and I bought a lot of food at grocery outlet last month. A car pulled up beside me at 7-eleven and the man going in the store was wearing a 2 towns hoodie and the woman inside said she feels like she is going to puke. Good job. Everyone. What am I supposed to do besides smoke cigarettes constantly and feel horrible? It is worse than anything I ever did to anyone and its not fair. I am crying now I don't have anything else to say that isn't hurtful to myself. All people ever do is go around saying disgusting perverted lies about me and put me in danger. They're obsessed with high school rumors and even if things were true, what does anybody do besides get everything they want by hurting me? Look at this entire community and region and media network. I am horrible but all of you are worse. FYI I quit smoking marijuana, maybe I will send back a clean test for.that marijuana user study I started before Goodwill decided to interview me and said they needed a clean test so it was suspicious and I didmt want anything to do with either after the interview. I can pass a drug test but I don't want to work at Goodwill or anywhere because then I'm captive for your bullshit I can just leave the house when the realtor is here and get abused enough or just stay here and watch youtube alone and get abused what do you want from my life all you do is help everyone else and I keep helping them with whatever I do online now I'm going to smoke more cigarettes and I feel horrible. Why bother going to 7-eleven anyway, every other time I enter my phone number for the rewards program it has to sign me up as a new user like they want to deny I'm there. Why not just buy my parents house for a decent price so I can go away forever this has gone on long enough. I can't stand going to the nearest convenience store for cigarettes called city limits because there always happens to be a scene that smells like my recent internet activity there, and I remember that store being there when I went to kindergarten almost across the street 1989-1990, then my family moved to Pittsburgh and I couldn't read and I was younger so i did kindergarten again and my laptop that got ripped off in seattle peoblems had a photo of me sort of hugging my friend here who I visited in 1992 or something who used to be in the same grade then was a year older when I came back for middle school and high school, I was trying to get close for the photo but she wasn't into it, probablt because we went to see 101 Dalmatians at the theater because i wanted to but she wanted to see Bill and Ted. Of course one of my visits to the local botox place they have to find someone who would look like her as an adult to walk through while I'm waiting or maybe it was a coincidence but everything must be a coincidence right

First thing, Jonathan offers Jennifer brioche

[secretrecoveryjournaltymb]

12/11/23

The last few days have been pretty fantastic, in comparison to the rest of 2023.

I ran a lot of errands yesterday and stayed pretty positive all day today. I scheduled a consultation to bleach my hair, which is either impulsive and destructive, or an act of self-care. Who's to say. I'm excited anyway. I'm almost done getting all of the boxes out of my apartment from my recent purchases, and I don't think I have anything else in transit. (That's good)

So I guess everything feels pretty calm right now. I am coming down slowly, I think, from a hypomanic thing that lasted since March? With small bouts of depression mixed in. I'm not sure how long this relative normalcy will last. I won't be up to the full dose of my medication until sometime in January, so I just have to deal with it I guess.

In order to help reach a state of order and normalcy, I have some new rules for myself-

No vaping inside my apartment/office. Only in the car/outside. Count on laziness to get me to quit

No laptop or snacks in bed. Makes it way too easy to "rot" as the cool kids are saying.

Eat lots of snacks! - Apparently something that happens is you can stop hearing the messages from your body as well, so it's important to practice listening and figuring out what your body needs.

Be the person you need. My favorite example is if I'm really craving someone to just be there and sit with me in my darkness, then I have to do that. It's so hard, but accepting the sensation actually helps the feeling pass that much quicker.

Some background-

I left an 8 year relationship last November/December and went out into the world on my own for the first time, at 25 years old.

I suspect that my ex was a narcissist, but I also think it's hardly worth thinking about at this point. Looking back, I can recall several instances where I was fully convinced that I was "too weird", and I would need to change myself in order to be accepted. So, I spent a long time in that relationship feeling like I had no personality, wet blanket, y'know?

There was also some childhood trauma that I became aware of, nothing dramatic, just some suspected emotional neglect, so I'm thinking that when I was 17 and met Matt, I had already not been given the opportunity to fully develop my personality.

I went through the standard Anxiety/Depression diagnosis process when I was a teenager and landed on Bipolar 2 this summer. The medication seems to be helping.

I'd like to start a log that tracks energy level, overall mood, and self-confidence per day, or however often I can get myself to update it. I bought a large pack of colored pens to experiment with that.

I have to remind myself frequently that I'm actually doing a pretty good job taking care of myself, because everything feels out of control usually, for no reason. I pay my own bills, buy my own food, and take care of my cat with minimal difficulty.

I feel a lot of resentment for my parents for not doing a better job. I kind of wish they would just leave me alone at this point in my life. This is not a fun feeling, there is a lot of guilt associated here because I want so badly to believe that at least my dad did his best. He's the only constant in my life. Alcoholism is not a choice; it seems to be a generational curse in my family. Whenever I visit him, he makes casual references to it as if it's not that big of a deal. I guess that's a trigger. The worst part that I remember is when it was just my dad and I in Fremont. He was drunk most of the time and sat in front of the couch watching Columbo. I have wondered if I spent more time with him during this period if it would have helped. Another thing that's not really worth thinking about.

Leaving home while he was in the thick of his disease was heart wrenching, but he got sober 6 months or so after I moved out. So it turned out for the best, I suppose.

I'm not sure if my Mom loves me in a traditional way. I don't know much about her. The first time someone implied that she abandoned me/the family I remember breaking down, because I thought there was more to it than that, but I guess she had had enough. After the divorce, I only remember seeing her on holidays. I have a memory of picking cherries with her and Fred once, but she didn't seem to recall that. Little ironic.

My stepmom, JoAnne was involved for a little while. Her and my dad met when the family was living in North Judson, and after they married, we relocated to Valparaiso. A couple years later, JoAnne was laid off or fired from her job and got a new one in Omaha, so she took my brother Matthew out there with her to a 2 bedroom apartment in Bellevue; my dad, my brother Fred, and I stayed in Valparaiso.

I've been asking myself lately what kind of effect JoAnne had on my mental health and emotional development. I remember her as a very abrasive person, somehow very passive aggressive and confrontational at the same time. She was controlling and once grounded me for closing a drawer with my foot instead of bending over. She told me I was too young to have cellulite when I was 15 and refusing to go to the gym with her. I remember her dragging me to get acupuncture while I was having a full-on meltdown. She gave me the gentlest little slap when I spilled nail polish on some fabric. We had an argument about steamed broccoli the night I decided to run away from home and do my second suicide attempt, among other things. During the process of her divorcing my dad, she approached me and informed me that it was my fault they were splitting up, and they'd be happy together if it was not for me. So it goes.

My dad and JoAnne sent me to detassel the summer I was 15. The process was to be dropped off in a Home Depot parking lot, or something like that, and a school bus would take the group of detasselers to a cornfield to work. Afterwards, they would drop us back off in the parking lot. My horror story is that I was dropped off in the parking lot after detasseling and no one was available to come pick me up, so I sat there for hours, which is what I remember anyway. Maybe it's an exaggeration in my mind, but this could definitely be contributing to a feeling of being abandoned by my family, or a general feeling of being insignificant.

--

This is all in the past of course. I'm just writing it out to make it make sense. I'm big on organization so hopefully after the initial blurbs that need to happen, I can get some sort of structure going.

I also need a certain amount of attention, so I figure putting this in a place where someone might actually read it will be a good motivator to keep up with it.

x

[linksnonbinaryass]

negative

I've had a godawful couple of weeks. I loaned my dad $2k so he could get a camper for his truck and leave out of state for his work and he bought one that doesn't even fit his truck and he broke his hand so he can't work or pay me back. My hours have been cut at the deli so now I'll only be getting 12 hours a week. My breast lump keeps getting bigger and the only way to get rid of it is invasive surgery that will leave a big scar and indentation and cost me $5k out of pocket. I have to spend another thousand dollars to move back to California and I'm now realizing that I'll likely be without a job for months. And I'll have to buy a car. And a new laptop since this one is old and slow as shit. And I have to buy a new phone bc the one I have is old with a shit battery and no storage space. All of these expenses are taking away from the money I saved to go to Germany and now I don’t even know when that will happen. I've been depressed for quite some time now so feeling down is nothing new to me but I keep thinking about how stuck I am and how stuck I'll always be. And to top it all off I have painful cystic acne now, which I've never had in my life and I've gained almost 10 pounds. I don't know how I'll possibly make friends when I go back to Cali. I don't know how I'll get a job. I don't know how long my presence will be tolerated with my siblings and my aunt. The only light in my day is coming home and playing tears of the kingdom with my younger siblings but they haven't wanted to play with me all week. I just lay in bed, scroll through social media, and once I've seen all the posts I stare at nothing for hours thinking about how much I fucked up my life and how I can't turn it around. I have no one to confide in bc my mom will tell me that we could just kill ourselves together, my dad will tell me to get over it bc his life was worse, my elder siblngs would tell me I'm being dramatic, and my nana can't give realistic advice bc she thinks I have greater potential than I actually have. I've spent so long being miserable I don't know how much longer I can watch other people be happy and succeed while I suffer. I keep imagining putting my mom's handgun in my mouth and blowing my brains out

[latetotheadhdparty]

Aw shit. Hello void.

Well. fuck where do I even begin. Maybe a blog will help me actually work through all of the feelings and issues I’m having, and if I don’t ever remember to update again, who cares? Certainly no one on this crazy ass website.

Where am I at right now? physically, at home, avoiding something I feel I should do but don’t really want to do. I mean, part of it is the ADHD and maybe there’s some Autism mixed in there too. I dunno. anyway. I should be going to do a thing that I used to enjoy, but then expectations are put on it and all of a sudden, it’s no fun anymore. One of my cats keeps trying to interrupt my train of thought by playing with the power cord and biting the corner of the laptop screen. He’s the himbo of the family, and very soft. Back to the internal monologue. I want to enjoy things, but my sense of time is so fucked up it just. doesn’t work for most people. I never feel my age and can’t remember my age because outside of the physical breakdown, I legit don’t feel it. Timeless is usually said as a positive connotation, but that’s not my feeling on it. Maybe I’m lost in time? Dr. Russell says that you knock 30% off your actual age, and that is about where you are developmentally. That doesn’t really feel right either. In emotional maturity, I’m definitely my age. Impulse control, not so much. not quite “eat the marshmallow as soon as the researcher leaves the room” but I did buy the new Lore Olympus print book right away even though I really need to stop spending money. I guess some of this developed into where I’m at mentally, and I really intended that to be a separate paragraph.

Here we go. Mentally, I’m at what feels like an eternal falling, kinda like Alice on her way to Wonderland. No wonder I relate to that stuff so much. I have a high stress job that I’m both phenomenal and awful at. Easiest way to explain it is financial crimes investigation. So I’m really good at recognizing financial patterns that indicate someone is on some bullshit, but time is a struggle. Investigating the right amount of time to get the right amount of info and not too much or too little. (I’ve often thought of my ADHD struggles as trying to find balance, not treat symptoms to oblivion) Remembering the number of days that have passed since I decided something was bullshit is always a struggle. I try so so hard to remember what time is. I have a clock that ticks but it’s not loud enough and doesn’t have an hourly chime. I have a smart watch that yells at me on the hour, but so often it just doesn’t register. I have a planner that I do actually manage to keep up with, and i’m so proud of that, but I can’t figure out where that “something missing” out of it is. I’m just. Falling, all the time, out of time. Fuck time. I’m so mad about society’s obsession with getting everything done now and everything being done within a certain amount of time, when there’s often no good reason for it other than “oh someone might get upset”. Fuck them, let them be upset.

I’ve always known that to be happy, you must experience sadness, anger, upset, etc. Otherwise how the hell would you know what it actually means to be happy?

I’m watching myself type in the reflection of my laptop screen. Sometimes I really love parts of me. Like my hands. I wish I could do more with my hands.

My therapist reminds me that it’s not too late to do so many things, but how do i find the time to dedicate to learning them? I’m definitely part of the burnt-out-gifted-kid group that was actually a sufferer of ADHD the whole time. It’s been so frustrating. I spent years convinced it was ADHD, and now that I have a diagnosis, of course I wonder... Is it REALLY adhd, or am i just a terrible person? Bad at adulting. Ugly, too much personality and not enough shut the fuck up. or is that RSD? Fuck, I just want to know who I am. That was a surprise with diagnosis. Nothing like having an identity crisis around the time most people have a midlife crisis. maybe the midlife crisis for normal people is a midlife crisis. I never thought i’d have to deal with any of this. No one asked me in school what i wanted to be when I grew up. When i changed high schools, I no longer got asked about college plans. I got ignored. That hurt. It still hurts, and I made it through college. took twice as long and at a later age, but whatever I guess. I see now what Dr. Russell means. I’m so tired of feeling so hurt about my life. It’s not even about comparing what my life has been to what other’s lives are like. It’s about the feeling of lost potential. I know that’s going to be with me forever. Anger at not being listened too as a kid. Misdiagnosis for forever. a medical system that doesn’t care about actually solving problems. “We have to start with conservative treatment first” okay, but that’s not going to FIX the problem. “I know, but that’s what insurance requires” Why are a bunch of not-doctors making medical decisions for me. Fuck them. fuck this country full of selfish assholes. Whose idea was it to make anything related to health care a for profit venture anyway. Fuckers are fucked in the head.

Speaking of anger, I need to stay off reddit. AITA posts about asshole dads really hit home. Therapist told me I should write my dad a letter, but how do you even... that feels so weird. I guess I’ll just tack it on here. Dear Dad, fuck you for replacing me. Fuck you for taking any credit for any of my success when you’re not only the reason I have ADHD, but also the reason I struggled so much throughout life. Take your six figure income and shove it up your ass. You didn’t help me with a god damned thing throughout my life that actually mattered. You never came to my school graduations, you don’t even send me a fucking text message on my birthday asshole. I don’t care if it’s late, because oh lookit that, we have ADHD, time is an issue for us! You just never made an attempt to care, especially after you remarried and got the family you always wanted. the family you just expected me to perfectly mesh into, and made absolutely no effort to understand why I stopped coming to visit. Maybe it was because you kept moving further and further away. Maybe it’s because you never even asked how I felt about some things, like when you gave my room away because you guys wanted a den and a living room, and to do that you had to move the eldest interloper into my room. I would have said yes if you asked. It hurt because you didn’t ask. You didn’t help me with my cars when shit went wrong, except for one single occasion where you used your employee discount on a windshield and we swapped vehicles for a week. Great deal there, I went from a subcompact to a suburban. I could literally put my car in the back of that stupid monstrosity (also, don’t think I didn’t notice that as soon as y’alls were down to one kid on her way out the door, you replaced that Chevy with a Lincoln). When I got braces, you never called to ask how it was going, and didn’t pay for a dime (even though you should have, and i should have gotten braces as a teenager). Your reasoning is you weren’t going to pay for any of us kids to get braces because you couldn’t afford to do it for all of us and it wouldn’t be fair. The truth is you just didn’t want to spend your precious money on anyone but yourself. The camper, the motorcycles, the fancy vehicles, I know how much that costs, and I know you did it at the cost of literal health care for your children. Fuck you, no wonder gramma and grampa are ashamed of you. They helped every time you didn’t. They gave you opportunities to help, and to no surprise, you didn’t. The interloper that took my room always felt slighted by me being the favorite grandkid, and how dare i get so much from them. Bitch you stole my fucking dad. So yeah, Dear dad, I should call you a sperm donor instead. Because that’s all you seem to be. You didn’t help me with anything, you never offered to help me fix my house, or a car. For god sakes, I talked about restoring one of the motorcycles and that you should come help me BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO OFFER A WAY FOR US TO BOND, not get told “well youtube has so much”. Jesus, my father in law picked up on it right away and is super excited for me to get the little motorcycle for us to spend some quality time together. My father in law is the dad i never got. Hell your brother is leaps and bounds better as a father than you ever were. God fucking damnit. Fuck you for all the hurt you’ve caused me, as well as gramma and grampa. I get they weren’t perfect parents either, but they sure as fuck didn’t deserve to feel so guilty because of your fuckups. The interlopers wanna know why I was the favorite? Guilt. Guilt is why. How’s that for a reason. While we’re piling on the guilt, how about the trauma of being named after someone who killed themselves? Thanks for that sperm donor. No wonder I hate generational names so much. My name was derived from someone who had the misfortune of having the same brain I do but before a time when men were allowed to go to therapy. Thanks for that reminder every time I think about my name, which is so out of pattern for my generation. I’m glad uncle is getting the farm and by default, everything on it. Mostly because fuck you, he deserves is. He actually tries to be a good family member. I’m glad you feel at least enough guilt you don’t want any of their money, and once they pass and I get the one thing you have I want, I’m never reaching out again. I’m so sick of being hurt by you. I’ll rewrite this letter and give it to you as a parting middle finger. You want to ever make it up to me, you reach out. Offer your time, offer to have me and hubs over for dinner, becuase that’s what i really fucking wanted all along. You were apparently too self centered to ever notice that. I know you think i’m a fucking gold digger child. joke’s on you, i’m the breadwinner and proud to be. When I have extra money, I do nice things for people just to see them smile, especially people I care about, because fuck you. I’m not you and will never be as selfish as you are. Mom talks a lot about how badly you wanted kids, to the point where I wasn’t really an accident. You have a funny way of showing it asshole.

Fuck him.

Okay, I see why my therapist recommended the letter. It’s not that I feel better, but it does feel lighter. My gramma saved my report cards, and the comments on it really drove home that the problem’s always been adhd. What’s more likely, an 8 year old with severe depression or an 8 year old with adhd and trauma. I could have been an architect. or an actuary. or an engineer. maybe i still could someday, but it’s going to take money i don’t have, since all businesses want college educated people without paying for their degree cost. Being smart with adhd sucks. I want to learn everything and do everything, but everything costs a ton of money and i can’t make my brain focus on something long enough to learn it without some kind of pressure. so all the lovely self guided courses? great, except I have no pressure to do them. FOMO eat your heart out, my ADHD whatifs blow you out of the park. If this does manage to show up for anyone, I’m not really looking for advice. If you happen to know some rich fuck looking for a pet creative, I’d love to just learn and create all day, but not at the cost of losing my house, partner, and pets. My house is my sanctuary, my partner is my rock, and my pets are my anti-depressants. My life has been filled with hurt and struggle and i’m so fucking tired all the time, but the good in my life i will absolutely hang on to.

I’m so exhausted.