#now i have to rely on the shitty heaters in my house

[silvershayde]

GUYS GUYS GUYS LOOK MY DUMBASS

AHAHHHA THE ONLY HEATER THATS BEEN WARMING ME UP IS OUT OF COMMISSION

[yardsards]

living in my own apartment has really showed me the full extent of how Fucked Up my living situation was. i'm not even talking about the abusive parent thing here. i mean just the physical environment. we grew up in a shitty dilapidated old farmhouse.

it always smelled just a little bit like piss. whether it was human or animal piss varied from time to time. human piss got less frequent as my dad stopped getting blackout drunk so often. animal piss got more frequent when my parents got a little dog that they didn't bother to train; i started wearing shoes indoors all the time

there was a terrible mouse problem. they weren't as bad upstairs but you could still hear em skittering through the walls at night. they were worst in the kitchen. certain cupboards had it worse than others, so we tried to store things based on that. you had to store the pantry staples in thicker containers: ideally metal or glass- if you used tupperware you'd have to replace it every couple months cuz the mice would start to chew through it. the everyday dishes and cutlery were kept in one of the areas where mice didn't bother to go, but stuff like mixing bowls and pots and pans had to be scrubbed out before you used them, just to be safe.

and then there were the bugs. having at least obe bug in the room with you was the rule, not the exception. especially in summertime. especially during the night. i'd have to go to bed with about a dozen bugs in my room (not even counting the gnats, of which there were several dozen) every night in the summer, because trying to get rid of them was a waste of effort. there were spiders with bodies the size of my big toe and legs the length of my fingers. spiders were mostly consider good, though, because one spider would eat multiple other bugs. but i got used to the bugs, for the most part. left over from that is the fact that i now have to consciously remind myself to put bugs outside when i see one in my apartment, instead of just leaving them there.

winter was worse than the summer, though. for most of my childhood we relied primarily on a wood stove (using logs my dad would cut throughout the year) in the living room because heating the house with electricity was too expensive. the air was dry and smelled a bit like soot.

we'd sometimes supplement that with electric wall heaters or space heaters if it got too cold for the stove to keep up with, and my dad would fuss over the cost the whole time. but the heaters were pretty weak and couldn't keep the house warm if the fire wasn't running. the fire needed constant tending, and if me and my sister were home alone (we weren't allowed to manage the fire as children) it would get cold very fast. we wore our winter coats indoors after we got home from school, before our mother came home from work and lit the fire (which had to be snuffed out in the morning when my dad left for work, so as not to risk another house fire. (which happened once but everyone was home and we could call the fire department so it only burned the roof by the time they got there)). it'd get extra cold at night, both because the outdoors cold colder after dark and because no one would be awake and actively adding fuel to the fire.

but even with the fire and the heaters, it was almost always a little bit chilly. you generally had to wear a jacket or robe over your pajamas at all times, and keep a blanket wrapped around yourself as you went about your day. i'd spend most of my time either curled up in bed or gravitating to whatever heat source i could find. i'd sit up so close to the wood stove that my skin would get red hot but i'd stay there til the cold that'd dug its way into my bones cooled off. or me and my sister would get into fights over who got to sit in the warm spot in front of the good electric heater.

i went to sleep at night, curled up in a tight little ball, half a dozen blankets on me, covering up even my face, arranged so there was just a small hole near my nose to breathe through. in the mornings, i'd pick out the day's outfit and then lie down on top of it for a few minutes so i wouldn't have to put cold fabric directly onto my body (cold denim is The Worst). i became a master of getting dressed under the still-warm blankets in my bed.

as we got older and my dad got too old to keep chopping firewood and we got Slightly Less Poor we got more electric heaters and stopped using the wood stove. and some of the problems caused by having to rely on fire went away, but it was still often very cold inside

i. think i might've been legit traumatized by those winters.

it sounds almost silly to call feeling cold traumatic. it was so minor compared to most of the traumatizing shit that happened to me as a kid. and it wasn't like, ever deadly cold. we were never at risk of homelessness. it probably never even dropped below 55F; it wasn't like my cousins who spent a couple years having to wear winter coats indoors all winter. but. i think it was still trauma, in a way.

but like. every year during autumn, i feel this sinking sense of dread as i realize it's getting colder.

a little of that is just cuz i hate winter for normal reasons. i have no cold tolerance. i'm scrawny and mildly anemic. my brain interprets cold sometimes as a sharp burning pain. even when i'm fully bundled up (and i mean REALLY bundled up, not just throwing on a winter coat and a hat, i'm talking 3 layers of clothing under the coat type of shit) the cold creeps in. having to walk to and from places often ends up feeling painful from the cold. and i love being outdoors and being trapped inside drives me bonkers

but i think a lot of that dread is legit a trauma response.

or even when i'm chilly for just a bit too long, i sometimes even end up crying. not because the cold air makes my eyes water, not from the physical pain of the cold, but because i get a feeling of helplessness that i couldn't figure out the source of til just now.

[kaediisarchive]

Final thoughts on the 2021 Mortal Kombat movie.

LOTS of spoilers under the cut! Do not look at this post if you don’t want to see spoilers!

And remember, this is all just my opinion. It’s not like an actual in-depth review because I’m not a film student; this is just my perspective on what I saw as a fan of this franchise.

POSITIVE

Sub-Zero and Scorpion were great. Opening fight was great.

“Eddy Tobias” namedrop lmao

I love the snow preceding Sub-Zero’s attack. Very foreboding.

Score is AWESOME. My favorite soundtrack is probably the one that plays when Sub-Zero is attacking them in the city towards the beginning.

Sonya rigging her house with a secret bunker and trap doors is smart and fits her character.

I like that the dragon logo has an integral meaning to the story.

Loved Jax vs Sub-Zero. Not mad about the origin change of Jax’s arms. I like that he had to work through his feelings of inadequacy and failure; people don’t just immediately bounce back after something that traumatic. I also like that his arcana manifests to protect Sonya rather than in the heat of battle. It shows his emotional priorities and what separates him from people like Kano who manifest their arcana in a fit of rage.

Sonya “Throw Hands on Sight” Blade lmfao. They nailed her fighting style too and I am happy.

Kano is the best thing about this movie. No competition.

Kotal reference!

Nightwolf reference!

Shang Tsung’s soul magic being black and wispy and foreshadowing Noob Saibot.

KANO DID THE HEART RIP

CHEKOV’S GNOME I’M SCREAAAAAAMMMMIIIIIINNNNGGGGGG

I love Liu Kang in this. He is 1000000% a Wholesome Boi. I like that he’s younger and unhardened and not the fully realized champion version of his character yet. Let him grow into it so it feels earned later on. I like that he’s the underdog, and I like what they’ve set up for him in the future. Also, the casting for him was perfect and they nailed his fighting style, too.

That little “the FUCK” that the Kano actor improvised(?) in the middle of Liu Kang’s lines made me laugh more than it should have. I don’t know why that moment got to me so much but it did.

I love Kung Lao. And they nailed his fighting style, too! Great to see variation that represents the characters (though there were less shining examples, which I’ll touch on later).

LOW SWEEP! LOW SWEEP! LOW SWEEP!

Egg roll scene is best scene.

Kabal! I love his dry humor. And his voice reminds me of Duke Nukem, which I’m not mad about. It complemented his dialogue well.

Not mad about Kung Lao’s death because it was meaningful. His fatality on Nitara was sick, too.

Liu Kang taking the ribbon from Kung Lao’s hat and wearing it in his honor, giving an origin for his signature headband is FANTASTIC.

THE PIT!

FLYING BICYCLE KICKS!

LIU KANG’S DRAGON FATALITY!

SONYA’S ENERGY RINGS!

Sub-Zero was a GREAT final boss. They really built him up appropriately to make him feel like it.

Scorpion’s fatality! And his skull face!

NEUTRAL

Not sure how I feel about Sub-Zero being wholly evil and there being no involvement from Quan Chi. It’s more straight forward for sure. It makes him an interesting (and badass) character, and I’m really behind this portrayal in that he is one of the most believable characters in the movie, but I’m not sure if I like the implications for later films in how this has simplified the dynamic in the entire Shirai Ryu vs Lin Kuei plotline. Having Quan Chi be the Machiavelli was always one of my favorite MK twists. And how do we eventually end the feud now? If Bi-Han / the Lin Kuei were wholly responsible, why should Hanzo EVER make peace with Kuai Liang down the line? The complexity feels like it’s been stripped down a bit, but I do love this iteration of Sub-Zero. I truly do. That’s why this is in the neutral category and not the negative XD.

Why didn’t Jax tell Cole when he saw the mark? Why wait until his family gets attacked? Maybe he didn’t want to do it in front of his family to keep them out of it, but that ends up endangering them more. Not a gripe, just a curiosity.

Sound editing was a bit too intense at times for my taste. I have tinnitus, so...big boomy bass with very mild voices is a chore for my ears to switch between. My ears were ringing within the first twelve minutes.

Torn between “fuck you Reiko” and “Reiko deserved better”. He deserved just a little bit better, but Skarlet says “get fucked” anyway.

I don’t like the “shaky cam” used in the fight scenes. Not my cup of tea. Very hard to visually process at times.

Whatever cosmic force is picking the champions for Earthrealm is doing a shitty job at it.

Why did they change the location of the Sky Temple to a desert? Again, not a gripe, a curiosity.

“We will not see another full moon before the tournament begins” THEN WHERE IS THE TOURNAMENT BUDDY???

Not sure how I feel about the “arcana” concept. It’s an okay plot device but kinda hammy.

Kitana’s fan! But why? Why is it there? I could understand the Kotal and Nightwolf references because Sonya has been researching, but why is Kitana’s fan randomly in an Earthrealm temple? Purely cheap fanservice.

Nitara was really cool. Shame she had to die, but her death was cool and there have to be some characters that get killed off. Wish she had more screentime though; feels like another instance of fanservice just having her show up basically as a namedrop and a quick kill.

The phrase “Are you okay?” was said WAY too much in this film. So much that I actually notices how often it was said, and I usually don’t pick up on these things.

Pretty sure a camera operator fell at one point in a Sonya scene because the camera jerked around violently all of the sudden then stabilized. Whoops.

How did Sub-Zero know to take Cole’s family to the gym? WHY did he take them there?

NEGATIVE

Opening scene was awesome, but it’s emotional impact felt stunted. I feel like the order of events should have been twisted a bit. Hanzo find his wife and son should have been the big emotional climax of the scene, but it felt like a passing moment and gave him no time to mourn and no time for the impact to truly set in with me. It was an “oh no they died” moment instead of an “ OH MY GOD THEY DIED THIS IS SO FUCKED FUCK YOU SUB-ZERO” moment. I dare say that the Legacy web series did it better in spite of their lower budget and overall quality; the series of events had better pacing and gave more emotional impact because of it. I said what I fucking said don’t @ me.

Wish we got more Scorpion. I love Sanada, I love him as Scorpion, but they didn’t give us the time we needed with his character to truly get a grasp of him.

Cole Young is like white bread in a parade of decorative cakes.

Raiden, a normally passionate and protective character whose fatal flaw is that he involves himself too much in events because he cares about the people in his realm and ends up fucking things up because of it, now seems to not care in the slightest. He feels completely uninvolved save for an occasional pop in to give a nod of disapproval. I don’t like this unemotional take on one of the most emotional characters in Mortal Kombat.

Small complaint from my perspective as a martial artist but uh...”Throw your uppercut!” was a bullshit line in a bullshit scene. If you’re locked up with someone like that and the guy has his arms around your neck, you physically cannot uppercut. You cannot fit your arms between his arms because they are cinched tightly around your shoulders/neck. YOUR HEAD is between your fist + bicep and HIS HEAD. In that situation, the guy has also left his body completely unguarded, so the most logical thing to do since you CANNOT reach his head is to go for BODY BLOWS. Beat him until he lets go to protect himself, catch his floating rib with double strikes, or punch the dude in his fucking liver as hard as you can to DROP HIM. Cole is supposed to be an experienced fighter, yet he makes one of the most rookie mistakes a fighter could ever make. Normally I wouldn’t care to point out mistakes in fight choreography or whatever because it’s MK and I expect ridiculousness, but this is the WRONG kind of ridiculous. It’s just NONSENSE.

I have SO MANY issues with Mileena. I’ll make this as short as I can. I don’t like the design of her mouth. I don’t like her weird stacked voice. She shows NO personality, not in her acting or even her fighting style, just an evil minion that got angry because she almost got her ass kicked. The turned one of the principle characters of the entire franchise and a fan favorite into a GRUNT. There is NO mention of Kitana outside of literal “fan”-service. Not even a reference to one of the most important plotlines in all of Mortal Kombat. And then they KILL HER OFF!!! When they do inevitably bring in Kitana WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO DO SINCE THEY KILLED OFF MILEENA???? I’m heated and biased and they did my girl dirty.

Speaking of doing characters dirty, poor Reptile. They turned him into an actual animal. What a waste.

Why are they so mean to Sonya if she doesn’t have a mark? She wouldn’t be as much of a “liability” if they would take the time to prepare her and teach her how to defend against fighters that have unlocked their arcana. Mind-numbingly stupid logic.

This movie relies A LOT on prerequisite knowledge to work. It’s like they want fans to fill in the blanks for them. But not everyone watching is already a fan; this isn’t an obscure release, this is a blockbuster movie released worldwide. These gaps in lore and prior knowledge don’t make sense for such a broad audience.

Cole Young literally could have just been Johnny Cage.

Where was Raiden when his temple was being assaulted?

Cole’s arcana is LITERAL PLOT ARMOR IM FUCKING DONE

No but for real that’s the most boring decision they just ripped off Jax’s MK11 heater effect and Baraka’s blades (I know they’re tonfa and they aren’t attached and I DON’T CARE). Also, now he’s suddenly good at fighting again? After being dog shit this entire movie??? And tanks Goro?????

If Raiden is an Elder God in this continuity, why is he allowed to help Earthrealm AT ALL? It seems like favoritism and bends the rules that the Elder Gods are supposedly bound by way too much. They really just shouldn’t have made him an Elder God; I honestly think they just said it to introduce the concept without a fuck given towards the actual lore of the Elder Gods.

WHY DID RAIDEN TELEPORT KANO TO SONYA’S HOUSE AFTER HE BETRAYED THEM I HAD TO REWATCH THAT SEVERAL TIMES TO MAKE SURE I JUST SAW WHAT I SAW  WHAT THE ACTUAL NONSENSICAL FUCK

Cole REALLY should not have been involved in that last fight. Especially not after Scorpion shows up. It should have been Scorpion vs Sub-Zero ONLY for the final fight. Cole tag-teaming Sub-Zero with Scorpion cheapens Scorpion’s revenge.

Camera work in the final fight was not good, especially in the first portion. At one point Cole gets thrown into a fence, but it cuts to an awkward inverse angle that makes him look like he’s bouncing off of a trampoline. This continues to happen and ruins several shots for me.

Honestly Scorpion should have just possessed Cole. Permanently. No switching back and forth. No more Cole, only Scorpion.

PREDICTIONS

Lots of dead characters come back as revenants and / or with upgrades.

Kano comes back with cyber eye.

Mileena comes back with full teeth.

Liu Kang becomes MK champion, wins tournament, and kills Shang Tsung. As it should be.

Cole Young helps Liu Kang become champion somehow idk maybe he sacrifices himself or something just please don’t make Cole the champion I will start a riot.

Next movie will start IMMEDIATELY at the tournament since there was supposedly less than a month until the tournament starts in this movie.

New characters coming in will be Kitana, Shao Kahn, Jade, Quan Chi, Kuai Liang, Noob Saibot, Ermac, and Johnny Cage.

OVERALL

This movie was good, bloody fun! It’s not an A++ Oscar-winner, but if you expected that going into it, you played yourself. It was Mortal Kombat; it was stupid, it was gory, and I had a blast watching it. Kano and Liu Kang were the best parts of the movie for me, with Scorpion and Sub-Zero tied for third. Also I popped a lot for the cheap nostalgia hits. I’m overall satisfied with what we got in spite of my complaints, and I only complain so in-depth about the things I love lmao so trust me when I say I’m not actually mad, just nitpicky. I’ve watched it twice now, and I would watch it again. It’s like a 6.8/10 for me.

[gaycrouton]

Please I’m seriously begging you in the name of the smut loving fandom PLEASE continue the drunk sex toy story!! I swear we will all change scullys soaked sheets no biggie 😎 just continue 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼💜💜💜💜💜

Here I come a month late, lol. Sorry for the delay, I wrote something and then I hated it and almost gave up, but my lovely beta and support @admiralty-xfd recentered to me and thus this was birthed. I hope you like it!

Here’s a link to Part One

Here’s the AO3 Link

“Scully, you look like an icicle,” Mulder laughed as they rushed into her motel room. The seven blocks really didn’t take much time, but the wind burned her cheeks and the coat that served her so well in Maryland really wasn’t suited for the cruelty of an Ohio winter.

“I-I’m f-f-freezing,” she stuttered, making a beeline for the heater to set it on full blast while he slipped his coat off.

She turned around just in time to see him taking off his tie, a sight her eyes usually weren’t privy to, but one she always replicated in her mind after seeing. She saw him smirk at her and she realized her appreciation probably wasn’t as discreet as she thought. The cold had sobered her up a little, but not as much as it probably should have and she still felt clumsy from the alcohol, resulting in her stripping off her coat in a less-than-graceful manner.

“You should get on the bed,” he told her as she tossed her coat on a nearby chair and used it as leverage to slip off her shoes.

“What?” she squeaked, losing her balance and letting her foot hit the floor hard as she stabilized herself.

He laughed at her and clarified, “You’d get warmer if you got under the covers.”

“True,” she nodded. “I think I’m going to slip into my pyjamas first. I’ll only be a minute though, so if you wanna stay here and put on a movie or something, go ahead.”

“I’ll be back, I’m going to do the same,” he responded, slipping through the adjoining room into his own.

Now alone in her room, instead of going to the bathroom, she pulled her bag onto the mattress and shifted around for her pyjamas. She disrobed haphazardly before slipping her shorts up her legs and onto her hips. She shoved her fist in her bag, trying to reach around for her shirt, but only finding miscellaneous work attire.

“What do you want to-shit. I’m sorry,” Mulder apologized. She turned her head over her shoulder and saw Mulder had thrown a hand over his eyes and was comically stumbling back into his room.

His underestimation of how long it took her to get dressed resulted in him getting an eyeful of her bare back and she felt herself smiling at his juvenile reaction to her nakedness. She reached around some more and found her t-shirt, sliding it over her head before calling out, “I’m decent!”

A moment later, a red-faced Mulder came back into the room, adorned in a heather gray shirt and a pair of black boxers, with a sly smile on his face. “I don’t know, I thought you were more than decent earlier,” he joked, throwing himself onto the opposite side of the bed and grabbing the remote control.

“Oh I’m sure you did,” she laughed, untucking her hair from the neckline of her shirt.

“Is Star Trek okay with you?” he asked, pointing to the screen.

“Sure,” she replied. As she settled next to him on the bed, the white of the bedsheet in between them felt taunting. She wasn’t sure if he could tell, but she felt like she was in the midst of a whirlwind of emotion. She was still buzzed enough to want to continue their prior conversation, but she was sobering up enough to recognize that was probably a bad idea.

The propinquity made her want to scoot close enough to touch, and she knew he had to be feeling the lingering tension in the air.

If it were me…

She held back that urge to scoot closer though because she could only be so ballsy and she’d already decided she wasn’t going to let the conversation at the sex shop become an unspoken memory quite yet. She might need this space as a safety net.

She just had to know.

“I think McCoy’s underrated,” he commented, not paying attention to her internal battle.

“You didn’t finish your sentence,” she blurted, her eloquence still sitting at the bar stool where she decided a fourth shot was necessary.

“Yeah I did, I said I think McCoy’s underrated,” he repeated quizzically.

“No, no,” she smirked, waving her hand in front of her face to dismiss his confusion. “Um, before. When we got kicked out.”

“Ohhh,” he drew out, nodding before a grin tugged at his lips. “Remind me, what did I say?” His tone made it evident he didn’t need reminding as much as he wanted to hear her say it.

She rolled her eyes and felt her palms start to sweat, why couldn’t she be as bold as she’d been thirty minutes ago? She’d always been curious if he’d ever thought about them being intimate and she’d been so close to finding out the answer. She was technically still close now, he was in good spirits and she knew he’d answer, but she couldn’t find her nerve. “Never mind, I’m being ridiculous,” she laughed, diverting her attention to William Shatner.

“You’re never ridiculous, Scully,” he reassured. “Are you talking about when you were mentioning how men didn’t usually um…take care of you?”

She laughed at his word choice, making it sound more like a hitman situation than prior lovers’ lack of effort to make her come. “Yes,” she admitted, playing with the nail on her left middle finger. “You said it was a shame, and then you started saying-”

“If it were me,” they repeated in unison.

Mulder looked shy, like he too was thinking he’d spoken too much at the shop and now had to deal with it, and she just smiled and nodded shyly, “Um, yeah, but you didn’t ever finish your sentence.”

“I think I was being a little too direct in the heat of the moment,” he sighed, scratching his face. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he admitted with chagrin.

“Mulder,” she drew out with a sardonic chuckle, getting his attention. “I, in graphic detail, talked to you about how I masturbate. If either of us need to be apologizing it should be me,” she admitted, putting her hands over her face for a moment after to cover her slowly budding embarrassment.

“Don’t…you don’t need to apologize,” he replied before awkwardly adding “It was, um, enlightening.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure when I sober up in the morning I’ll feel the same,” she chuckled, smiling when he joined her.

“I uh, I was just going to say that isn’t fair to you and I wouldn’t let that happen,” he rushed in one long exhale, reaching over to the nightstand and stealing a drink from the water she’d left there the night before.

“Whaddya mean?” she asked, letting her head fall over to her shoulder so she could look at him. He sent her a heavy look and the implications hit her immediately. I’d make you come. “Oh,” she murmured.

“I didn’t mean to be crass or anything. That’s just shitty it’s not a guarantee for you every time you,” he elaborated, making gestures with his hands that she was assuming implied ‘have sex’.

She shrugged and watched the television screen with feigned interest. “It’s okay, I take care of myself.” A grin spread across her lips and she chuckled, “As you clearly now know.”

He made a clucking sound with his tongue that had her looking back at him. “You shouldn’t have to, though.”

The look of dissatisfaction he was giving her felt too intense to look directly at. “Well…” she started. “I mean-don’t you too?”

“Don’t I what?” he asked.

“Takecareofyourself,” she rushed in a quiet mumble. She cleared her throat and added, “I just assumed, with all the tapes and the subscriptions.”

“How did you know about the subscriptions?” he asked in surprise.

“When I went over to your house to feed your fish a few months ago, you got a phone call. I didn’t answer it, but I heard a woman named Red come over the answering machine. At first I thought maybe you were seeing someone, but then she started talking about renewing your membership,” she explained.

While she was talking, his hands went to his face as he let out a low groan. “Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing.”

“She sounded cute,” she teased, earning another groan from him. “Oh come on, Mulder. Don’t be embarrassed,” she laughed, grabbing his forearm and trying to pull his hands away.

“I can’t believe you heard that,” he whined as his hands slid down his face.

“Mulder, it’s not like I found a used condom or something. Some people like visual stimulation, some people like audible stimulation, some like mixtures of all sorts of stimulation. It’s perfectly normal,” she reassured.

He let his eyes flick over to her and he looked like he was trying to choose his words wisely. “What do you prefer?”

She let go of him, realizing she’d inadvertently learned into that dangerous space between them, and re-adjusted herself on the bed. “When I…?”

His eyes hadn’t left her and he looked so tempting sprawled on the bed like that. He looked like the statue of the River Tiber come to life, flesh and blood mimicking perfect marble. “Yeah,” he nodded, his eyes giving her a similar appraisal.

I prefer to think about your voice and whatever you looked like earlier in the day. I like replaying conversations we had in my head, but imagining how they could have turned out differently. How they could have ended with me bent over your desk screaming your name. "Well, it’s a proven fact that women are more likely to rely on their own im-imagined fantasies than, um- external factors. That’s not to say visual and audible stimulation aren’t nice, but they’re not as important,“ she explained.

"Is that what you utilize? Fantasies?” he murmured softly.

“More or less,” she answered vaguely.

She could hear him thinking. It was just a side effect of being his partner for this many years. She could hear all her hypothetical fantasies dancing around in his head as he tried to select the one that fit her best. If she had any doubts that was what was happening, her suspicions were confirmed when he had to readjust himself on the bed to hide the tent in his boxers. Attempt to hide.

“Can I ask you something?” he prompted, his eyes roaming her face for any sign of hesitance.

She paused, licking her lips and finding no remnants of her drink left, the only residue being the boldness of their words and their lethargy. “Shoot,” she replied with a confidence her nerves couldn’t match.

“How long has it been?” he asked straightforwardly.

The question took her by surprise and she wasn’t sure what he meant. “Since I fantasized?” she clarified.

“No, since, uh-" You’ve been fucked.

"Oh," she interrupted. He’d probably put it more eloquently than she’d mentally finished the sentiment, but the way he licked his lips was too influential for any other wording.

"You don’t have to answer that, if you don’t wanna,” he reassured, making sure she knew she had an escape from this conversation.

But if there was one thing they were good at, it was plunging headfirst into dangerous situations. “Just once in the past, seven or so years,” she murmured, looking nervously at her hands.

She knew he knew what that one time entailed, and she was glad when, instead of pressing her about what was a tense time in their partnership, he decided to avoid mentioning the name Ed Jerse directly. The only question he had directly related to the fling being, “Was it good?”

“It was…nice,” she mused, bending her legs so she could idly play with her knee caps while giving her something other than his intense gaze to focus on.

“Ouch,” he fake winced. It drew her attention and she saw he was wearing an amused smile. At her look he added, “I don’t think any guy would be thrilled to know a night with him was described as 'nice’,” he explained.

She smiled and rolled her eyes, “No, I mean- the sex was invigorating, but um-.”

She paused as she searched for her words, feeling the usual openness of her feelings that tended to accompany a night of drinking. She could already imagine future Scully burying her head in her hands at the thought of what she was going to admit.

“But…?” he prompted.

“But it was nice to feel wanted, you know,” she admitted.

“You’re wanted, Scully,” he murmured in a soft voice. She looked over to him again and saw his smug facade had been shed in favor of an earnestness that made him look years younger.

She lowered her legs and let her feet rock back and forth, the toes occasionally coming together to meet in the middle before inevitably dropping away. “I mean really wanted. Wanted as a woman,” she explained.

She could feel him building himself up to say something and she suddenly got nervous and didn’t know if she wanted to hear what he was about to say. Instead of letting him respond, she asked, “What about you?”

He looked taken aback at the diversion, but not altogether surprised by it. “What about me?”

“When was the last time you had sex?” she asked.

“Once in the last seven or so years,” he responded. She felt her feet’s movements freeze and she knew he caught that. Who?

She realized in this moment that she’d never really considered it. He’d always just been…Mulder. Her Mulder, with his porn videos and the nickname he bore like a scarlet letter. He was attractive, no doubt, but she just thought…

She didn’t know what she thought.

And because of that she didn’t know what to say.

“Oh,” was all that escaped her lips. It was all she could muster. She couldn’t ask who it was. If she asked who it was while he didn’t ask her, she’d seem defensive. She’d seem like a jealous girlfriend.

The only thing she really was, was his jealous partner. And jealous partners knew when to bite their tongue.

A tension permeated the air and she wished she knew what to say to clear it out. Sensing her unease, he offered, “It was when you were gone, um. When I couldn’t find you.”

“Oh,” repeated, a more curious inflection than its downtrodden predecessor. She’d been told by many people that it was a bad time for him, but she still didn’t know to what extent.

She couldn’t help but notice the similarities there. He indulged while they were physically distant, and her while they were emotionally. What did that say about them?

Repeating his earlier question, she asked, “Was it good?”

“I guess,” he shrugged.

She let out a breathy chuckle and, at his glance, declared, “Okay, 'it was nice’ is a hell of a lot better than 'I guess’.”

He laughed and nodded in acknowledgement, “You’re right, you’re right.”

“Why the lackluster review?” It wasn’t any of her business, but she was curious.

He made a hesitant sound and shrugged, looking uncharacteristically shy. “I don’t even know if I was doing it because I was h-because I really wanted to,” he explained, leaning his head against his hand as he looked at her. “I think I was just sad and wanted to feel some sort of connection.”

The thought made her sad. The Mulder was so lost while she was gone that he went out and had sex with a stranger just to feel something. In all honesty, she didn’t know anything about his sexual history, but she knew him as a person. And Mulder was not the type to give himself away easily. She knew that first hand.

With a sympathetic sigh, she let her head lay lethargically on the pillow as she murmured, “We’ve all been there.”

“You know you’re wanted, right?” he asked again. She was staring at the ceiling as he posed the question and she felt her eyes widen at his statement.

She rolled her head over to the shoulder facing him and saw he was looking at her with startling reverence. The combination of his boldness and his gaze had her at a loss for words. “I-um…”

“I don’t mean to overstep my bounds, but I wasn’t lying when I said it wouldn’t be hard for you,” he murmured.

“What?” she asked in a soft voice.

He licked his lips again, somehow avoiding looking lascivious while doing so, as he looked her dead in the eye. “Any man would be lucky to be with you.”

She maintained eye contact with him, looking for any sign of dishonesty yet finding none. The intensity of conviction in his statement made her breath catch in her throat. “I-I don’t know,” she laughed breathily, shaking her head.

“You’re brilliant and beautiful, Scully,” he admitted. Upon seeing her blush, he added, “I don’t say that to embarrass you. I just don’t like seeing you doubt yourself.”

“That’s nice of you to say,” she responded shyly, her gaze flitting to the screen that’d somewhere down the line started playing infomercials.

“Just being honest,” he replied.

Maybe it was his current boldness rubbing off on her, but she still had one curiosity that she couldn’t ignore. “Can I ask you something inappropriate?” she asked, realizing the redundancy before even asking.

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?” he joked goodnaturedly. “But yes, please do,” he added.

Licking her lips with subconscious trepidation, she asked, “Earlier, um, in the shop and when we were talking about fantasizing just now, you were hard, weren’t you?” Thinking about it and thinking about asking him were one thing, but speaking the words aloud to him was a completely different ballgame. She felt her face blaze and she knew she looked as uncomfortable asking as she felt. But she just wanted to know.

He laughed lightly, not being subtle as he grabbed his still moderately present erection and tried to adjust himself. “I was trying to be discreet.”

“I think it’s impossible to be discreet at that size,” she pointed out, gesturing to his bulge.

He smiled at her words, clearly surprised she said it at all, and chuckled a sincere “thank you.”

“But seriously, is it just because we’re talking about sex? Or…” she prodded, unable to finish the rest of the question. The part that would require her to explicitly ask him if she turned him on. She knew full well that this line of questioning would undoubtedly embarrass her in the morning, but the gentle pulsing between her thighs that had been present all night didn’t care.

“Partly,” he answered vaguely.

“Partly?” she repeated.

He chuckled nervously and adjusted his weight on his elbow. “I-I don’t want to make yo-”

“You won’t make me uncomfortable,” she interrupted, eager to hear the answer he was obviously nervous to give. “I’m asking.”

He paused for a moment, making sure his honesty is really what she wanted. He licked his lips again and took a deep breath before admitting, “Partly because we were talking about sex, but partly because it was about you.”

About me. "Really?“ she asked softly.

He nodded before adding. "It’s been a long standing curiosity of mine.” He kept looking at her for a moment, watching for some sort of reaction before letting out a breathy chuckle and ducking his head shyly.

“What are you curious about?” she asked, almost gasping in surprise that she actually asked.

His gaze shot back to her. “Seriously?”

She nodded, as if transfixed by the possibility of arousing Mulder. “Yeah, I mean, I’ve been pretty candid all night. What’s the harm?”

Saying something that would be impossible to take back was the harm, but she was purposefully ignoring that fact.

“I want to know what turns you on,” he stated almost immediately, his eyes idly wandering to her chest as her breathing deepened. She felt her nipples harden under his gaze and, by the bob of his adam’s apple, so did he.

“I…I like dominance,” she admitted outloud for what, she was pretty certain, was the first time.

“Dominance? Like dominating-”

“No, no,” she shook her head. “Being dominated. Not in the intense BDSM way or anything but, you know, the casual way.”

“Casual way? Is there such a thing as casual dominance?” he teased with a lilt and a smirk.

She rolled her eyes at his teasing before explaining, “I think at the root of it, it’s the stereotypical 'woman has to prove herself constantly at work so when it comes to intimacy she finds pleasure in relinquishing that power’ idea. I don’t like any sort of shame component, I just like, um…” she trailed off, having a hard time finding the right words.

“Someone else taking control?” he offered.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Hair pulling?” he asked, randomly listing something off.

The question brought the image of Mulder, raking his fingers through the hair at the base of her skull before making a fist and tugging on it. The sensation making her entire body tingle. “I like it,” she admitted, hoping he didn’t see the goosebumps that spread over her body.

“Spanking?” he asked, his eyes almost imperceptibly flickering down to her ass and back up again.

She thought about Mulder bending her over his knees, his erection hot and hard as steel against her stomach as his hand came down and smacked her, causing her body to lurch against his. You like that don’t you? She felt a gush of arousal leak out and she tried lamely to clear her throat as she replied, “Yeah.”

“Restraints?”

Her eyes fluttered a little and she could feel her breath starting to become slightly shallow. “Absolutely,” before adding, “…with the right person.”

Scully chanced a look herself and saw his boxers were tented by a prominent erection. “Wh-what about you?” she asked in an unintentionally husky voice.

“What turns me on?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded. She was trying to discreetly squeeze her thighs together to alleviate some pressure as she squirmed into the bed. She thought since they were making eye contact that he wouldn’t have noticed, but apparently he was even more perceptive than she’d given him credit for.

“When you do things like that,” he replied in a low, smooth baritone.

His words made her eyes widen at the same time her lips parted to gasp lightly. “Like what?”

“When you’re turned on and you try to hide it. The way you can’t sit still, the way your blush reaches your chest, the dilation of your eyes and the way your breathing changes,” he explained, giving attention to each trait with his appreciative gaze.

“Those are just the body’s natural responses to arousing stimuli. It causes-” she paused as he stretched his body, the movement pulling the hem of his shirt away from his boxers and revealing a tantalizing sliver of taut muscles. She withdrew her gaze and saw a cocky smile tugging on his lips. “It causes an increase in blood circulation that results in a flush, and the blood flow to the sex organs causes a feeling of pressure that needs to be relieved. The dilation of the eyes happens whenever anyone looks at someo-thing, something desirable.”

“And that,” he replied.

“What?” she all but whispered.

“It turns me on to hear you talk science,” he explained.

She let out a little laugh and rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. "That’s my job, Mulder.“

He smiled back at her and teased, "I know, it’s hard sometimes to deal with.” She smiled at the play on words, but couldn’t help but glance back down at his persistent erection. “You didn’t deny it,” he stated confidently.

“Deny what?” How many times did she have to ask for clarification? Was it the alcohol or was this territory so foreign to her she couldn’t find footing?

“That you’re aroused,” he reminded her, his voice so deep she swore she could feel it.

“You are too,” she countered, gesturing to his boner.

“You’re not being dominated, so what’s causing it right now? Is it really just because we’re talking about sex, or?" he asked, using her words from earlier.

She followed suit. "Partly,” she replied, playing with her nails while her hands rested on her abdomen.

“Partly?” he mimicked.

The words were in her throat, but she was starting to realize they were teetering on the point of no return. He saw her thoughts swirling and he leaned in a little closer and offered, “You could tell me it was partially because of this infomercial right now and I would never think less of you. You could tell me it was because you were fantasizing about the few strands of hair Melvin has on his head that he combs over-”

She started laughing and slapped him on the arm playfully, earning a toothy grin from him. It was that small act of kindness on his part, letting her know everything would be fine no matter what she said, that did her in. “No, no. It’s um-” her laughter died down a bit as they both paid close attention to her words. “It turns me on knowing I, at least to some capacity, turn you on,” she admitted.

“At least to some capacity?” he questioned. She felt his mouth only a few inches from her ear, the weight of him dipping the bed as his warmth radiated on her side. “Scully, everything you do turns me on.”

She let her head fall to the side facing him and resisted the instinct to jump away when she realized their faces were only a few inches away. “Can I ask you another personal question?” she asked softly.

His eyes were dilated to the point of being almost black and she felt a chill run down her spine as the pulse in her sex became near unbearable. “Of course.”

“Will you kiss me?” she whispered so quietly her voice broke.

The words hit his lips and they moved almost immediately in response. He eased himself at a different angle, so that he was leaning over her reclined form yet not bearing all his weight on her as he watched her from above. His eyes roamed her face as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Are you sure?”

She swallowed and nodded in nervous excitement and it was all he needed to descend and close the gap between them. They’d been in close proximity to each other plenty of times before, but this was so different. She could feel him on a new, and oh so intimate, level. The way his lips, though pressed firmly against hers, were timid and languid in their movements. She could feel his breath puffing intermittently against her cheek as his nose pressed into the skin there.

He was clearly taking his time with her to enjoy this, kissing her like it may be the only time he’d ever be allowed. Wanting to encourage him, she raised her arms and snaked them around his neck, dragging him closer to her. At her touch, he parted his lips and let his tongue come out to lick her lip before pulling the bottom one in between his own so he could gently suck on it while rubbing his tongue back and forth. The sensation made her clit scream in jealousy and it fueled her to open her mouth and recapture his in a much deeper kiss.

As soon as their tongues slid against each other for the first time he groaned. Mulder actually groaned into her mouth. The sound stirred something in her and she arched her back desperate to touch more of him. She could taste the salt from the sunflower seeds he’d eaten at the bar and she wondered what he could taste lingering on her tongue. A strawberry margarita? Remnants of her chapstick? How badly she wanted him?

After kissing for long enough that her lips were swollen, she moved her leg and inadvertently rubbed against the length of him. He broke off the kiss to hiss an intake of breath in between clenched teeth. She was panting while watching him until he ducked his head and rested it the crook of her neck - his forehead resting against her warm skin. “God, you have no idea…” he panted, not finishing his statement while his breath on her neck making her eyes practically flutter shut.

She cradled the back of his head in her hand and kept it there while she turned her head to whisper into his ear. “I don’t want you to stop,” she admitted in a breathy whisper.

He pulled back so he could look at her and she was struck with how surreal the whole situation was. This was Mulder. Her partner. Her best friend. And she was actively trying to sleep with him. How long had they both been wanting this very same thing?

“I don’t want to, either,” he admitted.

She smiled at him and he returned it before leaning down and pressing his lips to hers again before moving to her neck and licking her pulse point. “Wait,” she murmured, and, as expected, Mulder pulled away immediately and look at her for any sign of hesitation.

She sat up on the bed and grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head gracelessly. She hadn’t even gotten her head out of the neck hole before she felt Mulder’s arms wrap around her bare back and pull her to her knees and into his lap, latching his mouth onto her nipple. She gasped loudly as the shirt left her body and she was met with the sight of Mulder tonguing her breasts.

“Oh my god,” she moaned in a whisper, adjusting herself so one knee was on either side of his hips, effectively straddling him. He hummed in contentment against her breast and she brought her hands up, one at the nape of his neck and the other on his shoulder to keep her stabilized.

He was swirling each rosy bud with precision and she could feel each swirl getting her wetter and wetter. She was only wearing thin cotton shorts and she could smell her own arousal, so she had no doubt Mulder could too. Being oddly sweet, even in the middle of what she hoped was foreplay, he kissed his way across her chest until he came to the other nipple, giving it just as much attention as its counterpart.

Between the cool air hitting the wetness on the peak of her breast and the way his mouth was working against her, she couldn’t help but start to rock on his lap, squirming so her arousal would rub tortuously against his. It felt so good that once she started it was hard to stop, so she started picking up the pace quickly, moaning his name in a husky tone all but ripped from her throat in pleasure.

She felt one of his hands lower down so that he was cupping her ass and helping her momentum while encouraging her to keep going. Mulder let go of her tits and let his head fall against her stenum as he pumped up against her. “Fuck, Scully," he groaned.

Then, suddenly without warning, he eased himself up so that she fell backwards onto the bed while he loomed over her. She felt him tuck two fingers under each side of the waistband of her shorts before looking at her. "I want to see you.” It was a question as much as it was a statement and she raised her hips in silent agreement, all but begging him to take them off. He slid them down the expanse of her legs and she heard him swear when she was completely bared to him.

Much like she had earlier, he whipped off his shirt and tossed it to the ground. As he did this, she put a foot on either side of him, her knees bent, so that she was completely and utterly exposed. When he caught sight of it, he put one hand on her knee while the other grabbed himself overtop his boxers, emphasizing his swollen length.

She licked her lips as she watched him stroke himself lightly. “God you’re so beautiful, Scully,” he praised, making her attention snap back to his face which was a mask of pure, unadulterated desire. He kept saying her name during this and she couldn’t help but think that it was him making sure she knew this was real. That he wanted her. The sentiments falling from his lips all sounded like things he’d thought in his mind a thousand times over. There was no hesitance, only honesty.

“So are you, Mulder,” she replied, matching him. He truly was. His torso was sculpted with lean muscles. He looked like he was glistening from his exertions and she wanted to run her tongue from the base of him to his neck. She wanted to stake her claim with her tongue.

He must’ve had a similar idea because he eased himself off the bed and, hooking his hands under the crooks of her bent legs, pulled her to the edge of the bed so that her ass lined up with the end. He got down on his knees so that he was at face level with her pussy. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” he admitted, almost to himself as he placed kisses on the insides of her thighs.

“Oh my god,” she whispered, her hips squirming in overwhelming anticipation of what was to come. That 'what’ inevitably being her.

“Can I put my mouth on you?” he asked in what she knew was an attempt to torture her as his mouth had to have only been an inch from her. She could feel the warmth of his words on her dripping wet arousal and it made her gasp.

“P-please,” she whimpered, grabbing onto the bedsheets on either side of her.

He made a low sound that sounded like a mix between a chuckle and a growl but she didn’t have time to dwell on it because, within a moment, he was lapping at her with his tongue and she could focus on nothing else. She gasped in a full breath of air and arched her back, immediately raising her legs to drape over his shoulders. “Muh-lder,” she whined in ecstasy as he explored her with his tongue.

He quickly stopped and looked up at her from in between her legs. “Oh, I’m sorry did you say something?” he teased with a cocky smile. The entire bottom half of his face was glistening wet and she would have been embarrassed at how absolutely aroused she was if she wasn’t more preoccupied with her own desperate need to come.

“Mulder, please,” she whined, raising her hips off the bed and scooting closer to him.

She saw a fiendish gleam in his eye as he curled his arms around her legs and buried his face in her crotch, this time latching his lips directly onto her clit. “Ah!” she cried as her whole body started humming with anticipation. She didn’t even care that she was gently rolling herself into Mulder’s face, all she could focus on was how fucking amazing it felt.

He was playing with her clit in between his lips and sucking with the same reverence you’d give to a piece of candy when trying to figure out the flavor. He was a man on a mission and she felt his tongue matching pace with her whimperings and moans. She was so distracted by it that she didn’t notice his other hand moving until she felt him curve two fingers into her.

Then, she was coming. Hard. His name was ripped from her lungs in a gasp as her whole body went rigid around him. “That’s it, Scully,” she heard him praise against her sex as he drew out her orgasm. She swore every single cell in her body was charged with the power of that orgasm, and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had an orgasm so powerful or for so long.

Eventually she was reduced to laying limbless, panting, as he withdrew away from her - her body twitching towards the stolen contact. She watched him stand up and saw he was somehow harder than he’d been before, the tip of his cock leaking against the material of his boxers.

Finding her strength again, she pulled herself upright and grabbed the sides of his hips to stabilize herself, his cock prominently standing out in front of her face, desperate for her attention. She glanced up and saw he was staring at her with parted lips, waiting anxiously for her next move. She’d seen it before, but never in this context. When she’d seen it he was hurt, in distress, in pain, and more importantly, flaccid - never hard and aching for her.

Swallowing thickly, she pulled his boxers down his legs, helping him step out of them, and sitting upright to see Mulder in all his naked glory. “Fuck," she muttered to herself, taking in just how big he was now that he was fully on display. She raised her hand and wrapped it around his girth, giving him an exploratory stroke and enjoying the way he pulsed in her hand.

"Scully,” he gasped, letting his head fall back, his face towards the ceiling as she played with him. She opened her lips and put just the tip in her mouth, closing around him as she swirled her tongue along the rim of his tip.

“Wait,” he gasped, concaving his hips away from her and putting his hands on her shoulders, causing her to let go and look up at him.

She was still enjoying the taste of him on her tongue when he bent down and kissed her quickly before stating, “I’m sorry, as much as I’d love for you to do that, I’m too close and-” He didn’t say what he was implying, but she knew.

Crawling backwards onto the middle of the bed, she met his eyes and, in a sensual voice she didn’t know she had, demanded, “Come 'ere.”

He quickly crawled onto the bed so that he was looming over her, letting the weight of his body fall onto her before kissing her sweetly, a three-sixty from the passionate kisses they’d shared earlier, but still just as intense. His body felt exquisite so intimately pressed against hers. His erection was prominent against her inner thigh and if she wasn’t so trapped between him and the bed, she’d shift until he was where she wanted him.

Releasing her lips, he kissed her cheeks, her nose, and her forehead, peppering her entire face with kisses. She smiled at the sweet gesture and he looked pleased with himself for eliciting the reaction. “This,” he stated simply, raising his hand to brush back the sweaty hair sticking to her face. “This is what I’ve fantasized about.”

The fact he hadn’t even entered her, nor really done anything other than contribute to her pleasure, made the sentiment all the more powerful. He chose to reveal that as they were taking a moment to simply bask in each other and enjoy the intimacy of closeness. She felt her smile grow wider at his neverending ability to make her love him and whispered, “Me too.”

A miniscule flicker of surprise flashed in his eyes at her admission and she couldn’t believe after all these years he could still not know how she felt. She raised a hand to the side of his head and raked her nails across his scalp comfortingly. “I don’t want to wait anymore,” she murmured sweetly.

Nodding, he eased up and reached between them to grab himself, positioning the tip of his cock at her entrance. She leaned her head up so she could watch as he tentatively rubbed his erection up and down her folds, coating himself in her arousal before attempting to enter her. Everytime his head rubbed against her clit, she twitched - her body recovering while still preparing for another orgasm.

From her position, she saw as he eased in slowly, going in inch by inch to let her stretch around him comfortably. She her eyes kept darting between the sight of their bodies joining and the way his face seemed to contort in ecstasy at the sensation, a face she knew was being reflected back at him.

Every toy she’d ever put in herself while imagining it was him couldn’t compare to how good he really felt. From the way he throbbed inside her to the way his hands were clutching her hips like a lifeline to the way his pubic mound felt rubbing against hers - she felt like she was immersed in the sensations of him. “Mulder,” she breathed, raising her legs to wrap around his back and therefore letting him sink in deeper.

“How’s this?” he asked in a strained voice, keeping himself buried inside of her without moving.

She knew he was making sure he wasn’t hurting her and it was endearingly sweet. But sweet was not what she needed in this very moment.

“More,” she commanded, rocking impatiently against him and eliciting a moan from him.

He moved so he had a hand on either side of her head as he started pumping in and out of her, tentatively setting a rhythm. “Fuck, Scully," he whispered in what sounded like relief and grattitude combined.

She knew he was close because he had been all night and she wanted to make it as good for him as he’d made it for her. She rolled her hips upwards in a constant, steady rhythm so that on every inward thrust, their arousals ground together.

Having sex with him, in an odd way, felt like having a debate at work; each of them were highly attuned to the other, but instead of fighting to prove their point, they were competing to bring the other one more pleasure. As she rocked into him, he seemed to pick up the pace, angling his hips in a way that caused the curve of his cock to rub against her inner muscles just where she needed him. She let out a little high pitched keening sound and bit her lip as her brows furrowed. "Do you like that?” he asked in between thrusts.

“Y-yeah,” she whimpered, grabbing her chest to give her hands something to do.

He started shifting his body slightly and she thought he was just readjusting until she felt his hands thread through her hair, pulling on it with careful force. She bit her lip and her eyes fluttered shut as a bolt of arousal shot straight to her core. Encouraged by her reaction, he picked up the pace so that he was slamming into her hard and fast - the sound of skin slapping against skin reverberating off the walls, accompanied by the sound of pure wetness.

The hand not entangled in her hair slid down her body, over her abdomen and past her iliac crest, and raked through her auburn curls until he could rub her clit. She gasped his name and her hands shot up to clutch his shoulders. “Oh god, please,” the words tumbled from her mouth blindly.

Following her instructions, he swirled the swollen bud vigorously as he pounded into her, beads of sweat trailing down his torso. She felt that familiar pressure building up and she knew she wasn’t going to be able to take much more. “Mulder, I’m gonna-”

And before she could even finish the sentence, her muscles were spasming against his length as he growled her name, giving a few final thrusts until he

was peaking with her, spurting deep inside.

They both had locked eyes during their orgasms and she felt every ounce of his affections laser focused on her. It was overwhelming in the best way possible. After he was spent, he collapsed next to her, holding her close as they caught their breaths.

“Did I do as good as your toys?” he asked jokingly, easing the tension with a joke - clearly worried that her pot-coital mood would be regret rather than bliss.

Absolving his worry, she turned in his arms so she could snuggle closer, placing a kiss on his lips gently before honestly murmuring, “You have no idea.”

It was weird, the room had only been filled with the sound of their bodies a few moments before, but now for some reason it felt significantly more intense. The sounds of sex replaced with the sounds of contentment.

Content.

That’s the only word she could think of to use right now. What she’d been wanting for so long had finally happened and it was as amazing as she’d hoped. She readjusted her head and reveled in how his chin felt on top of her head - how she seemed to perfectly fit in his arms.

“I’m not drunk,” he stated out of nowhere, sounding as if the words were ripped from his throat unconsciously.

She leaned back and looked at Mulder who was currently trying to analyze her again. In that moment, she realized he’d taken her silence and twisted it into something self-deprecating. Maybe that she’d been hoping she could blame it on intoxication, whatever his reasoning was - no matter how strange the circumstances leading up to this moment were, she’d never take it back. Her beautiful fool. Pushing herself up on the bed just a little, she pressed another meaningful kiss to his lips before easing away and reassuring, “Me either.”

He smiled at her and she fell back into his arms. She knew he knew her well enough to know not to press her. She loved him, but she’d already revealed so much of herself tonight. He was content knowing she wanted this to happen and wasn’t opposed to it happening again.

The other truths would come in due time.

[lickstynine]

Happy Holigays

This is a sequel to my Secret Santa gift from @builder051, featuring young! Min and Kazu. Make sure to read it first, cause it sets the scene for this. I really loved it, and had to build (ha get it) off it. I know it’s set on Christmas and I’m like a week and a half late, but... I don’t really give a fuck. it’s all fiction anyway. Enjoy.

It was well into the wee hours of the morning when the two finally made their way to bed. Kazu pulled Min against his chest, keeping the small blond from falling off mattress's edge. The old twin bed was far too small for two people, and nearly half a foot too short for Kazu, but as the alternative was a park bench, he really didn't care. Burying his face in Min's bleach-blond fluff, Kazu started to doze off, the exhaustion of fever taking a toll on his battered  body.

As Christmas morning rolled around, Minato got up bright and early; the bakery was closed today, but he still wanted time to have breakfast and watch the snow fall outside. Settling in at one of the small tables out front, he gazed out the big glass window, nibbling on warm, fresh pancakes and sipping hot chocolate. Normally he would have milk or tea with breakfast, but fuck it, it's Christmas.

There was a sharp chill in the air - the bakery didn't have a very good heater, it usually relied on the running ovens for warmth. Shivering slightly, Min stole a throw blanket off the couch, wrapping it around himself like a cape. He made his way back to the kitchen, cleaning off the griddle he'd made pancakes on and setting it aside. He turned instead to the kettle, pouring more hot water into a new packet of cocoa mix. He had the ingredients to make it from scratch, but he was feeling as lazy as he was indulgent.

Grabbing a candy cane from the jar on the counter, and a few cookies from the plate next to it, Min settled on the couch, turning on the TV, but leaving the volume low so as not to bother Kazu. He had a feeling his boyfriend would still be in pretty poor shape today, and Min wondered whether he had the ingredients to make chicken soup. Shrugging to himself, he cozied up under his blanket; soup wouldn't matter for at least a few more hours - Kazu wouldn't be up before noon unless the house was on fire.

Min was deep into some tired old hallmark movie when footsteps behind him alerted him to his boyfriend's presence. Kazu had dragged the comforter out of bed with him, and he shuffled over to the couch, dropping down next to Minato with a groan.

"Hi sweetie." The tiny blond ventured, "how are you feeling?"

"Shitty." Kazu's voice was barely there, a hoarse shadow of his usual deep baritone. He felt like he was dying - a hangover and a high fever were a nasty combination, and the added pain in his hurt wrist didn't help. He closed his eyes, the dim light of the old TV aggravating his headache.

Minato frowned sympathetically, scooting over to cozy up against his boyfriend. He ran a hand through Kazu's messy hair, loosening some of the tangles with his small, nimble fingers. Despite how quiet the dark-haired boy was being, Min could tell he was miserable, and tried to think what he might do to help. "I'm gonna go to the kitchen. I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Mm." Kazu nodded vaguely; it was unsure whether he actually heard Min, or was just pretending to listen. Either way, the tiny blond shuffled off, reheating the kettle and putting a pot on the stove. Minato ended up being gone nearly forty minutes. Kazu started to grow bored, opening one eye to scan the tiny living room. The shitty hallmark movie was currently on a commercial, which was debatably more entertaining than the film itself.

There were two presents hiding under the tree in the corner. Well, 'tree' was a generous term. It was a cone of cardboard wrapped in green tinsel, with dollar store ornaments stuck around it; Kazu had assembled it a few weeks ago, when Min broke down crying upon realizing they couldn't afford a tree. Kazu knew what one of the gifts was - the large, flat envelope concealed a portrait he'd spent weeks on, of him and Min in their favourite garden. He assumed the wrapped box to be holding something equally cheap and symbolic - perhaps some homemade jewelry, or a crocheted blanket. He couldn't know for sure, though. Min had been intensely secretive about the whole gifting process, wanting them both to be surprised on Christmas. Kazu couldn't help but feel a little guilty; he stayed in Min's house, ate his food, wasted his time, and all he had to offer was a drawing. It was an excellent piece of art, but it still felt worthless compared to all that Minato gave him.

His focus on the tree started to blur, and Kazu stretched out on the couch, grimacing and groaning as he struggled to get comfortable. His whole body ached, and there was an intense pain lingering in his right hand. He couldn't even remember what he'd done to hurt it last night, but it had to have been nasty. He was just glad it hasn't been his shoulder again; it still hadn't quite recovered from the last dislocation, and was also aching quite a bit with the aggravation of illness. Kazu closed his eyes, rubbing his temple with his good hand. His body was such a wreck - it'd be a miracle if he made it to thirty at this rate. He wondered if he even wanted to make it to thirty.

Kazu's morbid train of thought was cut short by the cheery voice of his boyfriend. Minato had returned, bearing soup, tea, and painkillers.  Kazu sat up, reaching first for the pills, downing them dry before grabbing the tea to ease his sore throat. "You're the best, babe." He croaked, "is your church still doing the saint thing? Cause you should be one."

Minato giggled, rolling his eyes and sitting down next to his boyfriend. "I'm not that great. Besides, I think you have to actually be a devout Catholic to be a saint. I haven't even been to church since I was like seventeen."

"Eh, you're better'n those stuffy old fucks in my book." Kazu shrugged, wincing regretfully at the twinge in his bad shoulder. He wondered if it was acting up because he was sick and achy, or if he'd messed it up again last night, and just been too wasted to notice. He set his tea aside after a few sips, tugging the comforter around himself with a shiver.

Min frowned in concern. Kazu was normally very resilient to the cold; just last week, he'd been hanging out in this same chilly room in his boxers. For him to be shivering, he had to be seriously ill. Minato pressed a hand to Kazu's forehead, his icy fingers absorbing the heat as it radiated off his boyfriend. "Don't drink any more tea for a bit. I need to check your temperature."

"Won't the meds 've kicked in?"

"Not that fast." Min explained, climbing to his feet to find the thermometer. It was still on the bathroom counter, left over from last night. He tucked it into the sleeve of his sweater, stopping in the kitchen for a cookie before returning to Kazu. The dark-haired boy was curled up on the couch, eyes glazed over and cheeks flushed. Min flapped his sleeves in concern, almost losing the thermometer in the process. Though he'd taken care of hurt Kazu many times, he'd never seen his boyfriend sick before, and it was worrying on a different level. He sat back down on the couch, fidgeting anxiously as he looked over at the dark-haired troublemaker.

Turning to the Hallmark movie to keep himself occupied, Min still found himself glancing obsessively at his phone, checking it every thirty or so seconds until enough time had passed. After about fifteen minutes, he picked up the thermometer, reaching over to stick it in Kazu's mouth. The dark-haired boy mumbled something unintelligible, likely a dick joke, and Minato poked his nose.

"Hush."

The mercury crept slowly up the thin glass tube, and after a moment, Min gently retrieved it, squinting in the dim light to make out the tiny numbers. "One oh... oh my god..." His jaw dropped, and his sleeves began flapping again. "I think you need to see a doctor."

"You're stressing too much, babe. 'S just a fever. I always run hot, it ain't as bad as it looks." Kazu wasn't actually sure of that, but he was an excellent liar, and he put his good hand on Min's shoulder to further reassure his tiny boyfriend.

Minato sighed, still waving his sleeves as he spoke. "Okay, but if you're not feeling better tomorrow, doctor."

"Sure. That's fine." Kazu knew he could talk his way out of it, even if he was literally on fire tomorrow. Min was soft and naive and relentlessly optimistic; just saying "It's okay" was often enough to win him over.

"Good." Min tried to think of something more cheerful. "Do you feel up to opening presents?"

Kazu nodded, "Yea, why not. You first."

Minato hurried over to the tree, grabbing both gifts and setting them on the coffee table. He picked up his present, working his finger under the flap of the envelope to unstick the glue rather than tearing it. After a bit of fiddling, he pulled out a large sheet of heavy drawing paper, filled with easily forty hours' worth of intricate graphite.

Min's eyes widened and a grin spread across his face. "It's beautiful..." he beamed, "I love it." He tucked it very carefully back into the envelope, making sure not to bend or smudge it. "I'll find a frame tomorrow when the stores are open. I want to put it up on the wall."

"Eh, it ain't that great..." Kazu shrugged, uncomfortable with the praise.

"Are you kidding? You're such a good artist, it's crazy." Min scooped up the box now, offering it to his boyfriend. "Come on. Open yours. I got a great present, now it's your turn."

Kazu struggled with the wrapping for a moment; it was hard to untie a bow one-handed. Once he'd loosed the ribbon, he tore into the paper, lifting the cardboard lid without much expectation. As he focused on the gift inside, Kazu let out an audible gasp. It was a sleek leather jacket, sturdy and warm, with a hooded inner layer. He recognized it immediately, and felt a pang of guilt in his chest; it must've cost Min two months' savings at least.

"Do you like it? I remember you ogling it when we were window shopping last month." Minato smiled softly, hugging his boyfriend's closer arm.

Kazu nodded, barely able to force out the words. "I... I love it. Thank you."

"I thought you might. God knows you need a new one." Minato mused, his mind drifting to Kazu's old jacket. An amalgamation of fleece and denim, it was once black, but had faded to grey, and was more patches and cigarette burns than fabric. Though originally quite warm, it had long worn thin, and was well overdue for a replacement.

"Well, yeah, but... It's expensive..." Kazu's scratchy voice wavered in distress. "I didn't spend shit on you..." he mumbled shamefully.

Minato rolled his eyes. "I know that. You think I care? I love you, and I don't want you freezing to death. It doesn't matter if you repay me."

Kazu shook his head, too exhausted to argue. “You’re crazy, babe.” He croaked, carefully folding the jacket back into the box before setting it aside.

“Crazy for you.” Min corrected, climbing into Kazu’s lap. “Mm… you’re nice and warm.”

“No shit,” Kazu rolled his eyes, “I gotta fever.”

Minato shrugged. “At least you’re good for cuddling.” He tugged the comforter over them both, cozying up in Kazu’s lap.

The dark-haired boy wanted to protest. Despite having taken medicine, he was only feeling worse, and he’d been planning to retreat back to the bedroom after presents. The pounding in his head and churning in his stomach had him ready to bolt at a moment’s notice, but when Min let out a tiny content sigh, Kazu knew his fate was sealed. He’d be on the couch for the foreseeable future whether he liked it or not. Not that Minato wouldn’t have moved if Kazu asked, but because Kazu couldn’t bring himself to ask. He knew the tiny blond was happy and comfortable, and he’d already been enough of a thorn in Min’s side this Christmas. He could suck it up and be sick later.

Stuck on the couch with nothing to do but think, Kazu couldn't help but reflect on his gift. Was he a piece of shit for accepting an expensive present from Minato, when he already stayed at the bakery rent-free? Or did stuff like that stop mattering if you were dating the person in question? Should he have worked more last month, and maybe wasted a little less cash on his own vices, so he could get Min a real gift? Min had seemed pleased with the drawing, but maybe he was faking it…

No. Minato couldn't tell a lie to save his life, and he was very easy to please. If he said he liked something, he did. Kazu twisted his hair around the fingers of his good hand, the voices in his head still debating about how he was a piece of shit who didn't deserve Min, much less nice gifts from him. A shaky sigh rattled out of Kazu, and the seemingly distracted Min leaned up to kiss his cheek.

“If you don't feel good, go back to bed. We can do something together when you feel better.”

The dark-haired boy blinked in surprise, looking down at Minato through bleary eyes. “Are ya sure? I already crashed your Christmas Eve, I don't wanna make today suck, too.”

Min rolled his eyes, gently booping Kazu’s nose with his fingertip. “I don't care what day it is, stupid. I just want you to feel better. I'll be happy whenever we get to do stuff.”

“You… you will?”

“Of course I will.” Min nodded, wrapping his arms gently around his boyfriend. “You need to get some rest. Are you more comfortable here or in bed?”

Kazu just shrugged; both the couch and bed were too short for him, it was really just a matter of laziness - did he want to get up, or stay where he was?

“I won't move you then.” Minato decided, pecking Kazu on the cheek again before climbing to his feet. “I should make sure the kitchen is ready for tomorrow. Just call if you need anything.”

“Mm.” Kazu nodded, more dismissive than acknowledging as he curled up on the couch. He didn't need anything aside from sleep, and he knew Min would be careful not to bother him.

Min leaned down over the couch, making sure Kazu was well tucked in before walking off. “Sleep well, sweetie. Merry Christmas. I love you.”

“Yea… love you, too.”

[phyrgon]

personal rant

I hate how i was thrown out here with the excuse that it’s just time for me to move on, I of course can handle it. when in reality the older then me twins she claims can’t handle despite me having what they have and more and pretty sure kicked out cause she expected me to be compliant and submissive cause my abuse, but then when i called out her shitty behavior to her children in order to prevent going down path mother took, she got angry, i was willing to call out so obviously I can survive on my own I’m in my own appartment now with different people in the house that i never meet, landlord keeps saying the repairman will come and fix the broken heater in my room and other numerous problems soon, but it’s been 3 weeks I’m so cold, I have no idea what I’m doing, and cause ssi and other things there is more things i’m required to do by the end of the month or stripped away of the things i need to survive, i just barely was able to9 handle getting food for the first time without a mode of transport more then my mountain bike and backpack all while being freezing i just broke my phone protector again right after replacing it then, and i don’t know how to socialize let alone talk to other housemates and state want there drunk bf’s when visit to be quieter after 3 in the morning before i had a friend i knew from online that i talked to every day, and i know away from that my cognitive skills will only deteriorate again im so cold, and realizing that i heavily rely on others reactions to tell if a hallucination that is scary or realistic is well, real or not, and now having noone, my mental state has been slowly getting worse and i’ve become paranoid of various things like housemates listening to my thoughts and knowing how twisted and evil they are cause of that or basement where i live collapseing ...the main reason i moved here was after a year here the name change process wasnt too convuluted and forever branding, and i was setting up to do that as well as go back to school, but now with all of this i dont know when that will get done, and im so ashamed of myself for that, and my only options are figure everything out, be homeless again, or return home to abusive parents where they have “opened” enough wherte i can be either stereotypical womanly and presentable to all the people she has connections to, or detransition...

[hyoukaiscreamicecream]

I just blocked all my RL followers because I need this safe space back for my sanity’s sake. It’s jarring, I tell you, when you realize that you are emotionally stunted and have no idea how to express your emotions, because no one ever asked about it. 

So, I’m going to put everything here.

I think it started in high school, as every shitty thing starts in high school. I would have a hard time sleeping, my moods are off the roof. I would get so moody and lash out on people to the point that I angered my mother so much. But I never wanted to talk back, I never wanted to ignore stuff, I just did. It’s adolescence, most probably. But then I noticed a period of time when I was just so sad and I hated it so much. I have no deep, real reason except the usual dramas of a teen. But it subsists even when I’m supposed to be happy. I have constant headaches and I would spend so much time in the dark sleeping room in the clinic and just sleep or try to, anyway. At one point I chanced upon the term ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ and thought ‘awww maybe I just like the rain so much’ and left it there. Until a year later, I noticed it happening again in summer and it stayed with me since then. 

I was already so accustomed to it and that’s just fine. But deep down I never stopped being bothered by it. It kept me up late, sometimes I would go so far without sleep for more than a day because for the life of me, I just can’t sleep. Sometime, I get so sad that I’m disgusted at myself, and I get so irritated that I just cry. I have a hard time getting close to anyone, but I ended up having so many ‘friends’ so all’s well I suppose. Someone as boisterous and waaay into pop culture like me never lacked people to talk to about trivial things. 

I also garnered a reputation of being a good listener and some of my friends through college would end up saying that they had themselves checked, and they’re depressed. I was there for them, they relied on me and I felt good about having people to take care of. But deep down, I was envious, because they found the answer to what they were feeling, while I’m still lost, empty and stuck on the fucking limbo nobody knew existed. 

Years passed, and the world grew more accepting but even that crippled me. ‘what if they thought I was just faking it?’ because I never told anyone, nor even showed a sign of it. I was so used to reading until the wee hours of the morning, because I was so afraid of lying in bed with my own thoughts to drown and choke me that I would tire myself to the point that I would drop of to sleep immediately without a leeway for my thought to consume me. 

Self-harm. Let’s add self-harm. I don’t cut, no. That stings and it’s too obvious. I scratch. Hard. With long nails. On my legs and my arms to feel awake. To stop feeling like I’m floating or I’m dreaming. To make sure I’m still alive (do I still want to be alive?). I would also do it whenever I need to divert my attention from a pain I cannot handle to those that I need to focus on. One time a friend caught my arm and asked. She was a psychology student. I stuttered and lied that it was my dog who scratched me. It became the staple excuse and it was believable. Nobody suspected anything aside from her. 

I hate riding trains. Because every time I’m on the platform I find it hard to resist the voices in my head. I hate leaving the house empty, because what if I left the stove on, the fan on, the heater on, what if when I return I have nothing and no one to return to? I hate seeing my parents do anything remotely dangerous. What if they fall the stairs, have a heart attack, not wake up, leave me?

I’m now at the point where when it hits me, it renders me useless. Sometimes I would wake up all set for a a full day of reading cases and laws, and then it would hit me, and nope, I can’t. can’t do, can’t move, can’t breathe. I’ve used flu as an excuse to miss class so many times now I’ve used it thrice in one month. How can I tell my fellow hard-working law students that ‘sorry guys, there’s nothing physically wrong with me, and we’re going through the same sets of cases and readings to conquer, but yep, this is me giving up, because I can’t deal with anything right now except this irrational fear and the pounding in my head and the tightening of my chest that’s choking me and making my limbs numb’?? 

I’ve been screaming for help in my head so loud now, that I feel like I’m leaking misery all over the floor. But how can I ask for help without being able to explain why I need help? How? 

My best friend tried to end her life recently and I was shaking and vomiting so much, clutching my phone begging her not to. I know I did a bad job at helping her, because how can I help her when I don’t even know how to help myself. Afterwards I was a wreck. I was drowning, I couldn’t breathe, I hated myself so much. I was supposed to be the strong one. That’s why she talked to me, but I was useless. I was pathetic. I hate myself so much for it. 

I knew I needed to do something. I was so used to it before but now it’s affecting every aspect of my life. My relationships, my lifestyle and especially my dream of becoming a lawyer. I need to do something. And this is my first step.

[team-bellbell]

The epitome of sad

 Car shits out yet again, go fucking figure. The other day my dad was dropping me off to work and the engine light came on. Shit always happens and it stresses me out not only for the safety of being in a death vehicle, but not being able to provide for myself and get to my damn job. The job I need to fucking have to save up $1200 or more for school, which I get zero help from anyone in that.

Now driving this vehicle could start a fucking fire… which is fucking grand , don’t cha say? Literally everything in this fucking household is falling apart. The basement is fucking flooded and growing mold on the floor due to the water heater leaking. The toilet in our bathroom doesn’t flush sometimes??? The pipes on the ceiling in the basement literally have water dripping down on them. I get fucking pipe water dripping on my forehead sometimes as I bend over to pick up some clothes that have been sitting there for weeks due to fleas infesting our house months ago, which my parents didn’t give two shits about either.

It’s like I wanna fucking help but I LITERALLY CAN’T. LIKE I PAID 600 FOR A DRYER FOR THEM. A brand new dryer which they didn’t appreciate at all. 18 years old buying appliances for my fucking mother and father who have barely provided shit for me , my entire life.

Flash back to the days of literally scrounging up money , literally loads of dimes and nickles and walking to the Family Dollar to afford bread.. Flash back to my mom taking all my first communion money, and graduation money because she had to pay some bills.  Flash back to the time I suggested we get food stamps, and my mom practically shunned me for the thought. How dare I suggest a practical way of affording groceries . My parents have too much pride for that. And now as I’m getting older they expect me and my sisters to pay for all of their misfortunes.

Its so fucking frustrating because I know they are embarrassed and hurt but they never do shit to help themselves out. Once things get worse, they just tolerate it until it blows up in their face, then they are faced with how bad the situation really is.  And every damn day I see how bad the situation is. If I think about it too long I just end up crying my eyes out because its so damn pathetic that nothing ever goes right. Like I can’t even be happy. Because on a daily basis I am stuck in this shit hole and reminded of reasons why I wanna leave.

Moving out would be escaping everything. I rather be relying on myself to get by then having to rely on my parents who cant take care of their financial issues. I wouldn’t have to hear my mom half heartedly joke about how broke she is. Or that its another tough week, or fucking Christmas, and then start bursting out crying. I wouldn’t have to be living in a shitty ass home that my parents constantly bring me down with criticizing my every move and my own ambitions.  I wouldn’t have to pretend not to hear my parents whisper how they don’t know how they are gunna pay a mortgage bill or find a way to get to work because the car broke down again.

And the thing is deciding what is the priority. Every damn thing should be a priority but when your dirt poor only one thing is at a time. So its electric bill, or buying groceries. Car fees or jobless?

And this is what I go through on a daily basis. Most people just worry about saving money for this or that, and I’m worried about how we will even get by for the next week. And I really never know how.

�tq׃