#ofts analysis

[tomatoland]

I was pretty curious to see what Thai reactions to this part would be. The reactions were wide in range. Some people not reacting or just going quiet, but these reactions were more— well, you could see the wince.

Mew & Top have used rao and each other’s names as pronouns since their first official meeting when Boston introduced Top to everyone in episode 1. During their first unoffical meet, Top uses pom.

Cheum & April also use rao and each other's names as pronouns for reference.

Mew switching pronouns is SIGNIFICANT. It shows he’s really angry.

Top’s reaction immediately afterwards

cr: tweet, reactions 1, 2, 3, 4, absolute bl post

[ichigokeks]

This scene was so significant and I haven't seen anyone talk about it. Sand knows about Ray's excessive drinking but not how bad it really is. In this moment he begins to understand. The brilliance of Sand immediately stopping while pouring the drink when Ray said that his mother drank herself to death. There was more than simple shock about this revelation. It was the realisation that Ray is doing the same. Sand looks at Ray and back at the alcohol because he understands so much more than what Ray said. He sees that Ray is in so much pain and tries to drown it all out in alcohol. Sand sees how Ray's immediate reaction to the fight with Boston is to open the liquor bottle.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

You're Mine No Matter What: The Commodification of Sand

I have been thinking a lot in the last couple weeks about the dynamic between Ray and Sand, namely the significant imbalance between Sand and Ray in their relationship to one another that has been at the very least, fun to watch, even as I have been slightly miffed at Sand being so much of a simp for Ray when Ray does not reciprocate these feelings. 

Now, @emotionallychargedtowel had a brilliant write up about Sand’s possible parentification and resulting need to play the caretaker for the people around him, which everyone should read. I loved it a lot because it puts Sand in to perspective, that he can be jerked around and insulted and still have care and still want to help the person who is actively and intentionally trying to insult him. Sand likes Ray, that much has been clear from the moment Ray rested his head on Sand’s shoulder after puking in Episode 1, but Ray? Ray does not see Sand the same way, as much as his puppy dog eyes may lead Sand to believe. 

To Ray, who is rich, and difficult to manage, and holds on so tightly to the belief he is a burden, Sand is a commodity, something Ray owns. And it is absolutely hilarious to me that I was thinking about trying to do this write up and drop it before Episode 8, and decided I should wait. AND I AM SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE RAY LITERALLY SAID AS MUCH TO SAND THIS EPISODE. 

Listen, I love First and I love Khao and I love FirstKhao’s chemistry, but in no way, shape, or form do I want Ray and Sand to end up together, they are terrible for each other, and Sand’s lack of self respect at this point is a motherfucking tragedy. I mean, think about it, what care has Ray given to Sand?

Drove Sand to his apartment after the party (and then ditched him in the middle of a make out)

Offered to buy him a guitar

What care has Sand given to Ray? 

Driven him home and taken care of him when he was blackout drunk 

Hung out with him when no one else was around to care: Paid

Hung out with him when no one else was around to care: For Free

Cooked food for Ray 

Changed his work schedule to play at the hostel party

Cooked breakfast for Ray 

Let Ray use him as an excuse to not go to work and instead spending the day with him on Sand’s birthday 

Helped Ray change his clothes 

Followed after Ray and tried to stop him from drunk driving after Ray called him a whore 

Saved Ray from his car accident

(Most likely) agreed to something from Ray’s dad 

Took care of Ray when he was injured including helping him shave and bathe.

Tried to save Ray from getting caught with drugs by the cops after Ray interrupted his time with another guy and kissed him without consent

Tried to fight the cops to get them to let Ray go after Ray essentially said that he owned Sand.

Sand is poor, he’s booked and busy, he’s barely got time of his own to spend on the things he enjoys, he is fundamentally a caretaker, juggling school, multiple jobs, and his mother’s health. We see how much of grind Sand’s life is in the montage at the beginning of Episode 5, he does not have room to slip another person in to his life, hell, the boy barely has any friends. He’s never hanging out with anyone unless it’s Nick and he’s at home. So it is very important to keep in mind that Sand is making time for Ray. Sand has a life that is jam packed and stressful, and Ray keeps asking for more and more of Sand’s time. Time Sand cannot really afford to give and gives it anyway. 

Sand is a caretaker, Sand has a crush on Ray, Sand cannot say no to Ray’s puppy dog eyes and chronic need for help. And the tragedy here is that there is a world where I can see how Sand convinced himself that he and Ray were maybe moving in the same direction. Because Ray couldn’t let go. They fucked once, and Sand said that Ray was going to keep wanting him, and he was right. From the very beginning of their relationship to one another, Ray has been the one constantly asking for and initiating physical intimacy with Sand. The first time we see Sand initiate anything really isn’t until Episode 5 when he goes slack jawed looking at Ray before they kiss and even then Ray is the one that leans in to meet him. Ray is the pursuer here, Ray is the one that stalks Sand, Ray is the one that interrupts Sand’s next one night stand, Ray is the one that is always asking if he can stay over, that is asking for help, that is asking for sex. So of course Sand is going to start thinking some type of way about what he and Ray are to each other, even if they haven’t had any conversations about the nature of their relationship. 

But I think Sand is so used to taking care of other people that he hasn’t really gotten it through his head that Ray doesn’t not feel the same. We see every twist of the knife in Sand’s face in Episode 5 whenever he is reminded of that fact. But I think that despite the shit that Ray has put him through, Sand hasn’t fully realized, or at least, he is refusing to admit it to himself that there is no scenario where Ray falls in love with him, because to Ray, Sand is a commodity. 

Sand is something to be bought. 

Sand is someone Ray can go to when he wants to be serviced. 

Sand is his favorite toy. 

Ray doesn’t like Sand, Ray likes the attention, Ray likes being noticed, Ray likes being cared for, because in his life, his friends mostly ignore him, his father mostly ignores him, his mother is dead and he grew up knowing that she hated him. Ray fell in love with Mew because Mew gave him attention and care, because Ray held him in the bathtub while he sobbed, and Ray has never been able to let go of that idea. But so too, has Ray not been able to let go of the other person who is providing happiness on tap. 

favorite photo ever, courtesy of @liyazaki

There are two critical details to remember about Ray. One- Ray is rich, Two- Ray has substance use disorder. Which means that Ray is constantly looking for the next thing that will make him feel good. He drinks to forget, he does cocaine, Ray by nature of his substance dependency does not have a concept of delayed gratification. Ray is extremely rooted in the present, in whatever dopamine hit is within the closest reach. And Sand and his natural tendency to give everything he has is one of the easiest things for him to reach for. Every time that Sand has tried to set a boundary, Ray has crossed it because he knows Sand has feelings for him, he knows he can manipulate that if he just begs cute enough. When he wants sex, he can get sex, when he wants adventure, he can get adventure, when he wants care, he can get care quick, easy, and cheap. Ray paid Sand once for his time, and learned he could be bought, and he has held on to that one time subscription fee extremely tightly. 

When it comes to Ray and Sand, there is no winning for Sand that is not defined by the two of them never seeing each other again. Because the second that Ray paid Sand for his time, Sand became Ray’s property, and Ray has never stopped thinking of Sand as such. And we know this is true because of everything Ray does and says related to Sand showing any level of autonomy that runs counter to Ray’s vested interests. 

Ray pays for Sand to hang out with him, and soon afterwards, Sand tries to bring a girl home from the bar for a one night stand, only for Ray to interrupt them. Sand ends up going home with Ray instead. Ray convinces Sand to keep making out with him in the car, and then casts Sand aside the second that Mew calls. Sand tries to put up a barrier and Ray is like “yeah sure I’ll care about your feelings, why don’t I buy you a guitar?” because Ray is rich, and so his first solution to conflict is to throw money at the problem, but Sand is easily sated by a little bit of crossed thumbs. 

Sand tries to set another boundary in Episode 6 after he learns that Ray has a crush on Mew, and Ray blows right through that boundary by as @emotionallychargedtowel calls it, “aggressively falling apart”. Ray, to be fair to him is not getting drunk and falling to pieces to intentionally rope Sand back in to his gravity, but Sand’s long held tendencies to help people are going to send him back to Ray every time, because Ray is desperately in need of help and no one else can really be fucked. 

If we weren’t already aware of Ray’s tendency to think of Sand as property, we get another great indication of Ray’s mentality around Sand in the same episode. When Ray is going off on everyone at the bar on Mew’s birthday, Sand tries to step in to stop Ray’s escalation. Ray does not take kindly to this, and says to Sand’s face, in public “You don’t wanna be a singer. You just want to make money. If you want it so much, why don’t you sleep with me?” thus associating Sand’s moments of physical intimacy and sex with Ray as purchasable, as commodities. Why? Because Sand could be bought once, and thus can be bought again. Ray doesn’t think about Sand as a suitor, he thinks of Sand as a whore, and again he says as much when Sand runs after Ray to try to stop him from drunk driving. 

Sand: “Stop thinking about Mew and focus on me for once. Can’t you really see that I care about you?”

Ray: “Why would you poke your nose in my business? What are we to each other? What are we?” 

Sand: “Right. We are nothing to each other, but at least I am your fellow human. I don’t want you to drive when drunk. You can risk your life all you want. But don’t you dare risk other people’s lives too.” 

Ray: “Let go of me you shit. Let go. Or I need to pay you, whore?” 

And thus we have our answer to Ray’s initial question, “What are we to each other?” “whore”. When Ray is wasted, and pissed, and Sand is showing active defiance over Ray’s behavior, Ray reverts immediately back in to the mindset that Sand is owned, that his behavior, his choices, his morals can be changed if enough money is handed to him. Because Ray has bought Sand before, because Sand is poor, and Ray is rich, and Ray thinks that the only thing that Sand could possibly want is more money. 

Sand will commit crimes for money (making and selling plum wine). Sand will hang out with Ray for money. Sand will sing for money. Ray comes from a world with money, it is not absent struggle, but Ray’s struggles are more internal, engrained in his family dynamics. He has never had to worry about making enough money for rent, he has never had to worry about violence being done to him or a loved one from debtors when they can’t pay their interest on time, Ray has never had to live in a world without money, and it is clear from the first episode that Ray is someone that looks down on  poor people, the way he immediately accuses Sand of stealing from him when he wakes up in Sand’s apartment. 

And again, to be fair to Ray, he is not the only one. A couple of the other rich boys look down on Sand the same way. Mew wants Ray to lower his standards and settle for Sand, as if a relationship with Sand would somehow be lesser, when Sand is a good person who cares about and takes good care of Ray, he’s just poor. Top, similar looks down on Sand, he stole his boyfriend, he thinks absolutely nothing of Sand. 

Ray gets in a car accident, Sand saves his life, and then Ray’s expectation from there is that Sand will take care of him. Sand (who has very limited funds compared to Ray) buys him a drink, he helps him strip, he helps him shave, he waits hand and foot on Ray. And how does Ray repay him? By jumping in to a relationship with Mew the very second an opportunity presents itself, leaving Sand once again in the dust. Because Ray doesn’t ever actually take Sand’s feelings in to consideration when he is making decisions. Sand is a plaything to Ray, and Ray has a shinier new offer dangling in front of him. 

Sand, once again, tries to set a boundary, establish a barrier, remind himself and remind Ray that they aren’t friends, they haven’t been friends, and Sand is trying to be the bigger, better person by letting Ray go, by telling him he is happy for Ray to have finally gotten what he wanted in his relationship with Mew. And throughout the entire exchange, Ray keeps looking so confused when he hears Sand’s consistent rejection of Ray’s wishes about how he and Sand will move forward in their relationship to one another now that Ray is dating Mew.  

“So what’s up with Mew? I heard he broke up with Top” Sand asks, and Ray swallows hard, in a way that I personally read as guilty. 

“Good, you can finally end the secret crush. Such a waste of time, right?” a confession from Sand that Ray picks up on. 

“Are you okay?” Ray asks, this is the second time that Ray has tried to check in on Sand after his relationship to Mew got in the way of his relationship to Sand. 

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re seeing someone you always loved. It’s a dream come true.” Sand once again is not acknowledging out loud or honestly his own feelings, but he is putting his own feelings aside to acknowledge Ray’s feelings. To try to, even still, even after how shittily Ray has treated him, even after how much Ray has taken Sand’s care for granted, spare Ray from feeling bad about fucking with his feelings. 

“Can we still be friends?” Ray asks, because he hasn’t ever had actual consequences for his behavior before. 

“Friends? You and I have never been friends from the get-go. We have nothing in common. Besides, I don’t know why I should be friends with you.” Sand replies, again trying to create a barrier between him and Ray that allows him to be free from Ray’s gravity. 

“But, when I’m with you, I’m so damn happy.” Ray says, because shit like that has always worked with Sand in the past: “Can we hang out together?”, “jerking off feels so good when you’re hungover”, “can you help me?”, and for the first time it really seems like Sand is sticking to his guns. 

*deep breath from Sand, who seems like he is fighting back tears he is so upset at hearing that Ray is happy with him and yet having Ray deny that in favor of chasing his next piece of ass* “You will be too when you spend time with Mew. What you did with me, you will get to do it with him. You might even be happier.”

Sand tries to walk away and Ray grabs him by the arm, because Ray has never once let Sand maintain a boundary, “Sand.”

gif from @liyazaki

“Let me go already.” Sand replies, and Sand here is begging Ray not only to literally let him go, but metaphorically, emotionally, to free Sand of this back and forth. To release him from this existence as someone to be jerked around, whose feelings can be trifled with because Ray isn’t fully capable of seeing Sand as a person with his own feelings that are impacted by the choices that Ray makes. 

And because Ray cannot let it go, cannot just let his precious toys leave him, he remains adamant about blowing past barriers as often as possible when it comes to his interactions with Sand. Sand literally asks Ray to let him go, and not long after that Ray is wandering back in to the study room where Sand is, trying to get them back on good terms. But again, to point out that Ray commodifies Sand, what is it that Ray is asks him for? Is it to go out to dinner with him? Is it to just hang out and chill? To go to the bar? Is it to apologize for his behavior? 

No. 

Ray asks Sand to come with him to do social work, to come with him to play music for children. Why? Because Sand knows how to play guitar, and Ray knows that he can wear Sand down eventually. But it bears reminding that Ray’s social work is court ordered, he is literally asking Sand to suffer the (very minimal) consequences of Ray’s drunk driving with him, and he’s trying to pick the social work option that is the least miserable, the least amount of work, and he is trying to rope in the only person he knows who can get him out of the types of social work that involve manual labor. Because Ray cannot play an instrument, so he would not be able to play music for children without Sand’s presence. 

Once again, Ray proves that he is not capable of associating Sand with anything other than a service provider. 

Or, as we see later on in the episode, as property. 

Because here Ray is, fucking with Sand’s feelings, dating Mew, making out with Mew at the party and there Sand is, not wanting to be at this party in the least but going anyway because he feels bad about what he did to Nick by stealing and sharing that TopBoston audio file, trying to move on, trying to kiss a random stranger with mutual interests at this party, only to have…

Ray interrupt them before they can kiss, squeeze himself physically in between Sand and Freddie #2, and asking if the two of them have slept together. 

“Did you sleep with him?” 

“Damn it, Ray. Are you high? How about you go to sleep?”

“I want to sleep with you. Or what, should we invite Mr. Freddie here to sleep with us? Let’s do it, I’ll go first,” 

AND THEN RAY GRABS SAND AND KISSES HIM WITHOUT HIS CONSENT (which I am pretty certain Mew would consider cheating especially after the whole ordeal with Top) when Sand was just about to consensually kiss someone who wasn’t Ray (again, Ray is unable to let Sand ever exhibit his own autonomy). Until Freddie #2 leaves them alone, assuming they are in a relationship, and not wanting to get involved with “someone else’s boyfriend”

“What the fuck is this. You have Mew now. What do you want from me? Go guard your boyfriend,” 

“I can have feelings for as many people as I want,” 

“But you can’t do this to me,” 

“Stop fooling yourself, Sand. You like me,” Ray points “You love me. You can’t walk away from me. You’re mine no matter what.”

gif by @moonkhao

and there is a reason why they put Ray in the fucking Joker’s costume for this episode, cause that boy is acting toxic as all hell. So even now, Ray isn’t sated, Ray made his choices, Ray picked Mew, Ray left Sand in the dust, but Ray cannot separate Sand’s autonomy out from Ray’s possession of him. I love Only Friends for the level of hypocrisy they allow their characters to have. Ray is allowed to date and have feelings for Mew, and to want Sand, but Sand is not allowed to move on from Ray, Sand is not allowed to have feelings for other people, let alone just make out with a stranger or fuck somebody else without any feelings involved. 

And I cannot stress enough that this is shitty behavior on Ray’s part, this isn’t cute, this isn’t funny, the extent to which Ray is possessive over a person he has no right to act that way towards is inconsiderate, rude, and objectifying. Sand is not allowed to have his own thoughts, Ray must put words in his mouth. Sand is not allowed to move on from Ray, Ray will keep pushing Sand’s boundaries until Sand relents because Ray knows he can manipulate Sand’s feelings for him, Sand will always be a caretaker and Ray will always need taking care of. Sand is maybe waking up to this fact, or maybe the horror in his eyes when Ray is yelling at him is Sand realizing at the very least that Ray knows how Sand feels about him, and Sand is admitting to himself in this moment that like Nick, he can’t help but love this person who has treated him poorly. 

Because Sand is a caretaker, and caretakers, at least in my own experience, are used to having their own wants and needs trampled over. No boundary withstands first contact with someone in need of help. I have tried to reach out and give support to people that I know didn’t like me after they went through hard times together, I don’t talk to my friends about shit that is actually and actively impactful to my mental health and wellbeing, many of the people I am friends with frequently only reach out when they need something from me. If they needed homework answers, or if they needed observation, or if they needed to be picked up early in the morning from the airport and otherwise they never really talked to me. Like, I get a lot of where Sand is coming from with his need to take care of Ray because Ray is a young adult, going through a lot, in need of a lot of professional help he isn’t getting, and Sand can’t not be compelled to help him as much as he can. 

And listen, in my opinion some of Sand’s actions with Ray are justified from a safety perspective, Sand is a caretaker, Sand knows Ray is willing to drink and drive, Sand puts his pride aside to try and ensure that Ray doesn’t leave in his car, and then follows him to make sure that he doesn’t get in to an accident. Those actions make sense to me.

gif from @bird-inacage

Sand doesn’t want Ray to get in to any more legal trouble, so tries to hide the evidence of drugs and get Ray out of the party, which in a normal circumstance I would generally be in support of, but crucially, as @neuroticbookworm and @lurkingshan have touched on in some of their posts Sand cannot afford a run in with police.  Not in the same way that Ray can. Ray is rich, Ray says he can handle the cops, and he can because he can buy them off, the way that Top bought them off. But Sand doesn’t come from a world where he can skirt consequences. 

But there are many places where Sand lets himself get trampled over because he has legitimate feelings for Ray, and Ray won’t let Sand make his own choices long enough to wake up, look around, and realize that Ray has literally given him nothing of substance in return.

[rabbiitte]

So... P'Vivienne (aka Only Friends screenwriter) approved my “vision-based perception and sense-based perception” analysis (Twitter version) 🥺. If you're interested in reading the full analysis (Tumblr version), click here.

[athousandbyeol]

discussion #6 (only friends): boyfriend, bed friend and friend with benefit— are these colours a possible 'spoiler' to their ending?

three couple posters were released, and i'm thrilled to see three primary colours representing each pair. after sanray's green bed friend and topmew's red boyfriend were shared, i speculated bostonnick's to be yellow. one of the reasons this prediction arise is because of the nature of their relationship/personality and also my personal opinion on these pairs' possible ending.

however, i saw this tweet last night and i thought it was very insightful. thanks to op for sharing their input. it's interesting to observe these colours associated with each pair from the viewpoint of the traffic light. :)

thus, in this post, i wish to highlight some core points and assumptions about the dynamic/nature of each pair that corresponds with their designated colours; red, green and yellow.

as always, this (and any) of my discussion post is a space to welcome a disparity of thoughts from everyone who watches this drama. please take it with a grain of salt. :)

[warning: a very long post ahead].

let's begin.

topmew | boyfriend [jealousy and manipulation]

first and foremost, when this poster dropped, i was surprised. i didn't expect topmew to get this colour. i was expecting red to represent sanray because of their passion and overall fieriness. even in the trailer, we can see how tense those two are, like fire on fire, one inciting the flame and the other just making it worse.

however, after watching the trailer again, i understand the purpose of red as topmew's colour.

before we jump into the assumption, let's dive into the meaning behind the colour.

red: an emblem of true love and revenge

red often symbolises strength, passion, action and energy. the simplest example i can use in this context is the red rose. usually, a red rose is given to glorify the profound love a person has for someone. it's ironic considering red is also the colour of blood— and blood is somewhat a sacred and eerily beautiful symbol of infatuation in many love, tragic, horror and sad stories.

despite its positive connotations, red also means danger, anger, revenge and aggression. as i've mentioned, red is another classic symbol/motif/metaphor of anger used in many stories or movies— the best example is also blood.

why red is topmew's colour?

jealousy

interestingly, aside from the poster, there's something else in the tweet that needs attention.

เราเล็งใครไว้ ไม่เคยพลาดนะ translates to whoever we aim for, we never miss. this is the line top says to mew when they are playing laser tag (which looks so fun).

i find it fascinating when top says this because it happens after top catches mew hugging ray;

why does this matter? well, i believe this is the start of top's jealousy.

the clenched jaw, his body tensing, and a tiny bit of sadness in those eyes— i have to say, this is one of the points that can potentially be top's moment of epiphany. this (or the kiss in the shower) might be when top realises he likes mew.

additionally, it's very ironic that topmew are playing laser tag; a game that focuses on strategising and 'killing' your opponent. this somehow makes me view topmew's relationship as a hunter hunting its prey. however, in their case, top believes he's the hunter (as explained in top's introduction post, top is the top of everything). yet, top has never met the best opponent. not until mew.

p'book explained that mew is helpful and generous with his friends. but one thing he despises the most is dishonesty. people who take advantage of him will face the greatest disaster. these are very strong representations of mew's character, already denoting mew's colour as red. my initial thought was mew was generally blue (calm and level-headed), but his colour will change when his trust on top falters.

furthermore, as i've mentioned in my previous discussion posts, mew is more than what we think he is. the introduction post is already giving so much of mew's personality and vibe. he doesn't smile that much, and his eyes are very dark and hollow. the smirk he wears is not really evident, but it promises a sinister and potent impact. (once again, kudos to p'book for portraying these nuances of mew so well even in the intro video. i still get goosebumps when i watch it.)

top thinks he can outsmart mew. i believe he's going to eat his words someday.

side note: boston displays lenience when he's with top. boston is more of the submissive type with top, proof is taken when they had sex in the car, boston does all the work. this illustrates the power top has over boston and his reluctance to lose. it's also likely that boston was the one who called top that night, even though he (might have) known top was with mew before.

when top knows he likes mew— genuinely likes him and experiences jealousy for the first time— this is why he (and mew) represents red; you're mine. don't be someone else's. just mine.

manipulation

next, in the shower scene, top says—

—and is followed by a kiss.

as p'force mentioned in his intro post, the word love that comes from top's mouth is never sincere.

side note: i'm a bit conflicted when i learned about this because it made me think of two possibilities, 1) top genuinely falls for mew after they become boyfriends or 2) top never likes mew and he's just playing with him (like his other boyfriends/casual hookups). i hope top will like mew for real because if he doesn't, it won't really add much to his character— or simply, it'll just make him a flat character at the end. also, it doesn't give significance to mew's character as well, given his transformation is deeply rooted in top's dishonesty.

in both scenes, top says things that i personally don't understand its significance, but it's his way of claiming ownership and setting foot in mew's life, an indication that mew is his and he wants mew (and everyone) to know that.

it's a form of subtle manipulation from top— masked with sweet promises and again, (faked) honesty. top knows it's the only way to gain mew's trust: by making mew believe that top only sees and wants mew.

top surprises me in this frame because is that jealousy and anger on his face? (i think it is).

it's the way he says it. the slight quiver of his voice, the quietness of it almost brings forth his insecurity about losing mew's trust. although he's certain mew likes him too, ray is mew's friend and they've known each other longer than mew knows top. in one way or another, mew will possibly believe ray more than top, given mew hates dishonesty in a friendship/relationship. mew will treasure anyone who treasures him, but top worships and bends mew's trust simultaneously. something painful will be the price top has to pay after the truth unfolds.

another act of manipulation i noticed from mew is when top hugs mew and cries.

i believe mew might want a break-up at this point, but top doesn't want to. the little smile mew wears is an indication that mew knows he won this fight— he successfully manipulated top into thinking yes, i'm wrong. yes, i lied to you. yes, i can't live without you. an honourable mention includes mew's little smirk when top hugs him on the bed.

mew has it in him— that instinct— the hey, this top guy is interesting. mew keeps his cards safely in his hands, and once he thinks it's best to use them, oh, he will.

it's going to be very fascinating if this is the shift of mew's transformation— if this will be the second mew starts kicking off his plans on destroying top.

topmew's possible ending

as red signifies revenge, i think topmew won't be the endgame.

i personally think it'll be silly/unrealistic if mew still gives top a chance even after discovering about him and boston. it also doesn't add up to mew's personality as someone who is determined, resolute and sticks to his virtues. them being together at the end isn't what i want. the ending i want from topmew is 1) top will learn from his mistakes and 2) mew doesn't rely on love and friendship to determine the route of his personal life (he should take charge and make decisions for himself).

i assume topmew's break-up will be the start of mew's character growth and a revelation of top's true personality. but them being the endgame? i hope they won't. hehe.

//it's funny to me considering i adore forcebook but i don't want topmew to end up together...//

sanray | bed friend [safety and envy]

previously, i correlated sanray with greed and gluttony (thoroughly explained in this post). i view sanray as the right person and right time, but ray is somewhat too afraid to admit it, and san is somehow 'weak' to make ray believe it's true.

however, despite the turmoils they face in this relationship, there's a strong feeling of positivity i get from these two (and also bostonnick). why?

do you notice: sanray and bostonnick have always been honest with each other?

ray says he just wants someone to keep him company. san wishes ray can just focus on him. boston says he doesn't love nick that way. nick wishes boston can only love him. from the start of their relationship, they always vocalise what they really want from each other.

side note: topmew is different because they aren't honest, to begin with. we can expect a painful downfall from a relationship that is based on deceit.

but what is green, and why does it symbolise sanray's relationship?

green: a token of hope and balance

the colour generally has a positive meaning. green often resembles nature, and nature encompasses home, balance and relaxation. yet, green also means envy and judgement, hence the saying, green with envy.

why green is sanray's colour?

safety

ray (and i assume, top) are battling with different mental health issues. possibly, ray suffers from depression (assumption made by the bathtub scene when mew hugs ray),

and top is insomniac (pills scattering near the sink).

(i can be wrong).

what i'm trying to say is ray might feel 'bare' and 'naked' as his feelings for mew aren't reciprocated. this also roots in his insecurity in knowing that this won't change— mew won't ever like him— especially after he likes top. ray knows he no longer has a chance with mew despite still liking mew. and that messes with his head.

what does ray want in his life? security. a home. a place to be and feel safe.

i don't know if i can explain this well, but there's always dread whenever something doesn't go how we want it to be? i think that's ray's major problem: he can't come to terms with his feelings. he sees the world as a solid entity. he doesn't possess the fluidity to 'shape' himself differently from that belief. thus, this is why ray is so afraid of the growing infatuation he has for san, because san isn't in that box— it has always been mew. but mew doesn't want to be in that box— san does.

ray is a ticking bomb in the sense that he's very unexpected and volatile. there are many instances in the trailer that shows ray's explosive reaction and approach when he confronts san. one of the examples is when ray says having san in his life won't make it better (it's the opposite. ray knows this too.)

all he wants is safety and assurance. ray also wants clarity and an end to the doubts in his head. befriending san, having this 'bed friend' relationship helps ray see that it's possible. but as i explained, ray doesn't know if he can have that with san. it's a very sad and (twisted) understanding of love. ray believes he's 'cheating' on mew by having romantic feelings for san. yet, i reckon, mew doesn't want ray to feel that way. mew also wants ray to find his happiness, even if it's not from/with him.

i do believe ray's perception of love will change. there's going to be a cathartic moment he experiences one day that gives him the certitude he needs. san has always been the door that ray can open anytime. it's only a matter of acceptance and forgiveness that will save ray from his own devils. it's only a matter of time for ray to accept his feelings as they are— to take san's hands and walk on this journey together.

envy

envy is a potent driving force between san and ray. even though it's mainly from ray, san also shows nuances of envy.

in one way or another, san knows ray likes mew. but san likes ray— ray (who isn't ready) to like san back.

the pattern i see in every couple is they're each other's reflection. they might not realise it now, but they will when they're about to lose their other half.

in sanray's case, san hasn't fully grasped ray's train of thought. although he assumes he knows what ray is thinking, his speculations aren't entirely true. it's also because san has his own ideas about ray and how this relationship should work.

san wants to fit ray into his mould and expects ray to abide by it, but he knows too well that ray is still bound to mew. this will frustrate san the most and further amplifies his anger/despair/jealousy.

(why must first cry in every role he acts in? my heart is breaking for him...)

i guess it has to do with san's personality as a survivor (extracted from san's intro post). he battles with himself every day to make ends meet. he isn't financially well-off while ray is rich.

furthermore, from this line included in the poster tweet;

เพื่อนกัน เค้าไม่คิดตังค์เว้ย = friends, they don't think about money, parallel this scene—

—which adds another layer to san's character as a faithful/sincere/kind person/lover. he doesn't blur the lines between friendship and love if his feelings aren't involved (making him a bit selfish, but it's a given when a person so strong-headed and passionate like san starts loving something/someone). from the beginning, san never wants ray's money even though that's the most important thing in his life.

different living status promises a different set of challenges. i don't mean to be biased, but the reality is, the poor will always endure the toughest battle. therefore, san's insecurity is valid, and his confusion is necessary. why?

as san's feelings for ray grow, he starts doubting his worth. he doesn't have much to offer, only his body, soul and time— that's all. san will make deductions— am i just only that to ray? just a bed friend? can he ever be more than that to ray?

sanray's possible ending

sanray is the pair that i hope (and somehow confident) will get a happy ending.

there's so much to them that fits the holes and gaps in each other. they do feel like two people finally finding one another after all the chaos and heartbreaks. they make me want to root for them because the pain they've endured is just so gut-wrenching that i insist they'll be the endgame no matter the circumstances.

i also believe since green is their colour, sanray will achieve that balance and harmony in the end. despite not knowing how and when they'll get to that stage, i'm quite certain they'll be together. these two incendiary characters can finally simmer down the rupturing fire in them by being together, taking and discarding the positive and negative, and also achieving the clarity they've always wanted— together.

bostonnick | friend with benefit [happiness and egoism]

from the two trailers, we get so little of boston and nick's dynamic. it touches on the core elements; lust and envy (further explained in this post). we're seeing only the gist of what and who they are to each other and other people, which attributes to a wonderful surprise awaiting us once only friends airs.

i expected bostonnick's colour will be either yellow or orange, and i'm happy my assumption hit the jackpot this time hehe. although boston's character is likely the antagonist of the story, nick balances his negativity really well. nick's brightness manages to dull boston's darkness.

yellow: a sign of happiness and egoism

yellow is generally a happy colour. it reminds me of the sun; bright and hot. yellow is often associated with cheerfulness and energy. it's a colour that incites many good emotions.

even though this colour shines with positivity, yellow can also represent cowardice and lies; it also acts as a precautionary sign; kind of like the traffic light; yellow— prepare to stop (not to speed up hahaha).

why yellow is bostonnick's colour?

happiness (light)

i see bostonnick as yellow because i think they're genuinely happy when they're together.

boston to me is very red, and nick is somewhat white. they're from two different ends of the colour spectrum, with nick being the bright sunshine while boston is the dark clouds. however, i see only positive influences nick has on boston, mainly when they meet outside of the bed and in the red (developing) room.

their relationship might begin because of boston's habit/obsession with capturing moments of sex with his partners. nick might be the tech-savvy guy that is coincidentally working on the day boston pays a visit. the universe really wants them to meet somehow.

i can't exactly picture how they go from this;

to this;

i guess the attraction is mutual from the first encounter (or one of them is very horny at that time [read: boston]), and they begin to confide in each other afterwards.

although we know the foundation of their relationship is mainly boston seeking nick's help (with his equipment (?) and urges), there are also moments of them spending time with each other like how lovers do. the wakeboarding date (?) and other possible meetings are just happy days spent together.

moreover, it's evident that nick is happy to be boston's favourite.

regardless of boston still having an on-and-off connection with top, boston will cave into nick more and more because nick can give him everything he wants fast. nick's availability appeals so much to boston. this makes nick his favourite because again— boston and his idea of controlling the things he likes— applies to nick too.

side note: i don't know if boston is a sex manic or he's insatiable, but i assume nick doesn't mind feeding boston's constant need for intimacy (even though it'll hurt him the most eventually).

ego

boston has a big ego, and he knows this. that ego is one of boston's strongest (and toxic) traits. like top, boston believes he can have everything and anything he wants. why? because of his brazenness, boston doesn't really have much fear in him as well as decency. he's the go-big-or-go-home type of person. this portion of boston is also one of his most appealing qualities, and nick clearly takes the bait.

however, boston's ego is also his greatest downfall. he thinks he won't be affected if someday, nick decides to leave him for good (and go to p'papang's character, which i honestly approve of). when that day comes, it will make boston realise (hopefully) that the truth is; he does love nick all along.

but this is the thing boston and top have in common: they don't understand what love is. the concept of love to them is vague and stupid. they don't know if true love exists, and i'm guessing it has to do with their (painful? embarrassing?) past experiences. they perceive love in the same manner; sex. they objectify their loved ones to benefit their pride and ego. if they don't get something in return, it'll be useless. they won't use them.

boston says he never loves nick because he knows he has never given nick anything but pain and pleasure. a part of boston is aware that he's unforgivingly mean, but it's a feature he can't discard easily; this ego. boston can't see himself falling to his knees and acknowledging his feelings for nick because that hurts his pride.

boston is a walking disaster, and he doesn't want to lose that title— he glorifies that label— because it makes him feel powerful and in control, a common trait of a narcissist.

and because boston clouds himself by believing nick is just an object, he gets angry when nick stops serving his purpose; to satisfy boston. it infuriates boston that nick found his voice and wants boston to listen to his needs. boston can't let that happen, mainly because of his ego. he's just too prideful to be at anyone's mercy.

it's not because nick can't get enough of boston— it's boston who never thinks nick is enough.

side note: let's be real— top chooses mew. top wants mew. top sees boston as an object of lust. that's all. what he does to nick is what top does to him. it's like boston's cry of protest— feeling unwanted by someone he (thinks) he wants.

yet, boston also uses his ego to control, play and manipulate nick's feelings.

sadly, nick's honesty gets the best of him because boston prefers to overlook that sincerity; nick's desire for love.

กูแค่อยากให้มึงรักกูคนเดียว = i just want you to love only me; boston can't. his ego doesn't let him.

bostonnick's possible ending

i'm inclined to bostonnick having an open/ambiguous ending. like the colour yellow, there's going to be a balance of optimism and cowardice. nick might still want to be with boston despite the hell boston brings into his life because he really loves boston. unlike mew, nick doesn't have malicious intent (i don't see this in him, really) in seeking revenge etc. he reminds me of the character that is truly broken by a person they love the most. nick somehow illustrates how pure love is and how painful it can be.

also, it'll be exciting if there's a redemption arc for boston as he's likely the antagonist of this story (honourable mention will be mew). he might realise nick's worth and start things over. there'll be hesitation and doubts— does nick still loves me?— but if boston is honest and willing to fix this, nick is always open to accepting him.

nick has a soft spot in my heart and i'm genuinely hoping better days will come to him (because mark shared in nick's intro post, nick cried so much. it's rare to get a smiling nick).

conclusion

colours play an important role in telling or showing intent, purpose and significance. it's a widely used symbol/motif/theme/metaphor to give the audience a better picture of the storyline, plot, characters, etc.

as always, i find it interesting that these primary colours are so basic but it gives so much depth to these three couples. all of them are distinctly unique with so many humane attributes. it's riveting almost to see three different dynamics in a series.

their red and green and yellow will bring forward so many colourful emotions from us. are we ready to be painted black at the end of the drama?

side note: do you know? the first step in making black is mixing red, green and yellow.

(i tried it with pencil colours and it's almost black. all it needs is a touch of blue.)

what awaits us? are these colours the possible spoiler to each pair's destiny? let's find out starting this saturday. surely, it'll be a hell of a ride.

[1 | 2 | 3 | 4 (i) | 4 (ii) | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12]

references:

only friends twitter page

only friends pilot trailer

only friends official trailer

colour meanings: red | green | yellow

[huachengeye]

Only Friends Episode 8: And they were all messy

Hello there! Episode 8 has been out for some days now, but after watching a reaction os YT and scrolling through the comments, I wrote this piece to add my two cents to the whole Mew victimization and Ray the supreme asshole (I don't actually think he is tho).

For organization and better reading comprehension, I'm going to separate this into sections, starting off with Mew going wild, then Ray, the fandom's favorite broken boy, and ending up with little about the relationship of the friend group.

Mew, one of the nasties.

First off, I'm a Mew apologist. He is, in fact, my favorite character as of now, but I'm down to criticize the hell out of him, because loving is caring <3

I want to start with the whole discourse around his and Ray's relationship. The fandom seems to be separated into 3 categories (and yes, I'm generalizing a lot for the purpose of making my point): Mew apologists, Ray apologists, and everyone else who thinks they are as messy as everyone else without needing to explain their behavior.

In contradiction with my very first sentence, I belong to the third category in the sense I think they all do bad things to one another. Starting with Mew, we already know that he puts himself on a pedestal compared to his fucked-up friends, but my boy was kicked out of his high horse and now is like us, failed humans. One of the discourses I've been seeing, and that some characters in the series agree with (Cheum and Top), is that Mew is being dragged down by Ray. I completely disagree. Mew is an adult, and although he is experiencing heartbreak for the first time, the way he is acting is very realistic. Mew's first honest conversation with Top was about how he is afraid of getting his heart broken. He confided that to Top, about how he lives through his books because of his fears of getting hurt. And it happened exactly as he feared. It would be weird if he just behaved normally after finding out his boyfriend cheated on him with his friend. So his way of hurting is not hurting at all, is numbing his pain and he does it in the same way as Ray because that's the way he thinks it works.

As the theories go for this BL, I've seen a lot of people saying that it is Mew that it's enabling Ray's substance abuse. Honestly, in my opinion, they are using each other. Mew made it clear that he doesn't love Ray romantically, he said it himself in this episode, Ray is the one he should love. I genuinely don't think Mew is using Ray with the idea of making Ray drown more in his addiction, I think the reason Mew is clinging to Ray right now is the same reason Ray clings to him: they were there when the other was going through his worst time. They are like lifesavers to each other. In this sense, they are mutually using one another, the difference is that Ray is also clinging to the idea that he is in love with Mew, when it's already clear to us, the viewers, that this boat has sailed. If Ray was certain that he wanted a future with Mew, and Mew only, he would've let Sand go. Because Ray didn't go after Sand only when he was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, he also went when he was sober, actively trying to keep Sand in his life, even if their relationship was never a friendship, and was always sexual/romantic (for Sand, at least).

Still analyzing Mew, I saw this brilliant post by @wen-kexing-apologist (this post right here, highly recommend for you to check it out) where they analyze Mew, and his personality (or lack of, for that matter). As soon as Mew told Top that he decorated his place with ideas from Pinterest I felt bothered, especially with his whole introduction in the first episode, about how he is the table keeper (I honestly don't remember how he worded it). I felt bothered but I couldn't quite say why, so when I read Wen Kexing Apologist's analysis, it all made sense.

Lao Wen's (I'm sorry for the use of the cannon nickname of wkx, saying the whole username is a task lmao) thesis is that Mew has no idea who he is, and I completely agree with them. The thing that was Mew's whole personality is that he was a virgin, which was the thing that most set him apart from his friends. Yes, he is also a bookworm and a smart person, but these were secondary things when it came to who he was. Mew was the "pure" one of the group, the one that was waiting for the right person, for the person that was worthy of his virginity (just typing this makes me want to wither away). After Top, he is no longer a virgin, he is no longer that different from his friends. So once he found out about Top cheating on him, he had lost more than his virginity, he had lost his own ideals, because he wanted his first time to be with someone worthy, as I said, and well, Top wasn't worthy, but Mew didn't know that at the time.

Now, Mew doesn't have the one aspect of him that defined him, so he is utterly lost and is now mimicking the one person that offers him some type of stability, one person that he knows truly cares for him, Ray. I really don't know how Mew will react if he knows that Ray kissed Sand at the party, I don't if he won't care because he isn't in love with Ray or if that will only make him go down to the worst path. I think he will get mad if he finds out, especially because it's Ray, his best friend, the one who was there for him when Top cheated on him. Oh, the drama it's gonna be.

Now for Ray. I'm gonna be straight with y'all and say that Ray is the character I dislike the most in this BL, but also the one that I pity the most.

From the get-go, I knew Ray wasn't better than Boston or Top, but after this episode, I can't understand why people still treat him as the victim. He keeps on stringing Sand around as if he is his personal doll, even after Sand makes it clear that he doesn't want to be Ray's second option, that he wants Ray to let him go. Ray does not let him go, and more than that, he clings to Sand as a spoiled child clings to his favorite toy, not out of love, out of possessiveness. I don't really see Ray and Sand's relationship as one of love, Sand is basically Ray's parent, and for Ray, Sand is a thing he can own, just like he can own anything else with his money. For this topic, I recommend this post by @wen-kexing-apologist (yes, I might be a little obsessed with their analysis, sue me) and this post by @emotionallychargedtowel.

I saw some people saying that Ray doesn't know he is addicted, and that his substance abuse doesn't excuse his behavior but certainly explains it, I disagree. I think that Ray knows that his actions hurt others around him, and he knows because his friends and Sand already told him when he was sober. Sand said more than one time that he should drive whilst drunk because he could hurt someone. Sand in the hospital made it clear that he should take accountability for his actions. Mew keeps on chewing him about his drinking behavior (even if he doesn't in a very judgmental way). So he knows, he might not be able to control himself when he is drunk, but he never takes accountability afterward, not really. Even after his accident, what was his punishment? Community service, and even when it comes to that he tried to make Sand help him.

As for the idea that he doesn't know he is addicted, I think he does. I think he does, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. If I remember correctly (and I might not, please correct me if I'm tripping), when Ray and Mew kissed back when they didn't know Sand or Top, Ray says to Mew that if he hadn't found Ray in the bathtub, he would've joined his mother. At the time, I hadn't watched the flashback of his mother on the floor, but I got the impression that he meant that not because he would die like his mother, but because he would've joined his mother in the same way that she went. Now, I think that scene was Ray's way of acknowledging for a brief moment that he is going down the same path as his mother. Again, I might be way off here.

So my point is, I'm a bit tired of people trying to blame Ray's trauma for all of his actions. Of course, his traumas and mental issues are a big part of it, but he still chooses to hurt others, even when sober. Trauma doesn't mean you can treat others like shit. And as someone who grew close to a person that dealt with alcohol abuse and turned a jerk because of it, it's fucking tiring and emotionally consuming to have someone berating you. It doesn't matter at the moment that they are out of their minds, because in the end, you are hurting.

THEY ARE FRIENDS, BUT ARE THEY REALLY?

Now onto the Fantastic Four. After this episode, I saw some people talking about Cheum never actually caring for Ray or that neither of the friends did. I saw someone talking about how Cheum shouldn't have said that (her whole monologue) whilst Ray was being held down by a cop. I agree with all of it, except maybe for the part that his friends don't care. I think Mew does care, although he certainly doesn't look like he does now. But we need to remember that he was there for Ray when he tried to take his own life. And I believe that there are still things we didn't see from them because they are best friends. Before Top, before Nick, before Sand, the one that Ray could lean on was Mew and from the way Ray behaves around him, it seems as if Mew wasn't the worst friend around.

As for Boston and Cheum, it is VERY clear that the one person who keeps these 3 people (Boston-Cheum-Ray) as friends is Mew, he is the glue of the friendship. Things are starting to look bad for their friendship now that Mew is acting out, because even when Boston did what he did, Cheum-Ray-Mew were still together. We also have to take into consideration that maybe Cheum and Boston don't know the scope of Ray's problems, maybe they don't know that Ray tried to kill himself, because from what we saw that was something that only Mew knew. Cheum clearly knows that Ray still suffers from his mother's death, and that's why she walked away when he said that his mother is dead, but we don't know if they actually know why Ray behaves in such a way.

Let's look at the situation from Cheum's POV for a minute. She is watching her friend, Mew, acting the same way as Ray, when Mew used to be the one to try and make Ray stop. She sees that both of them are making decisions about the hostel that the FOUR of them worked on, without her (or Boston). She knows that Ray did the whole hostel thing because of Mew. She is feeling left out as if no one cares for her like Ray was feeling before he started going out with Sand. When it comes to their friendship and this scene of Cheum's explosion, we need to remember Ray did a similar thing to her on Mew's birthday. He told everyone about her private business, and for her, it doesn't matter that he was drunk, because it hurt her and could've possibly ruined her relationship (ofc if it did the blame wouldn't be on Ray, because he didn't lie about the things she said about her girlfriend). And as she was talking, she mentioned that she and Boston were always the third wheel, which makes me think about all the times Boston talked to Ray about how he needed to stop his bullshit and be real about how much he wanted Mew to stay away from Top - and he was so right about that, because what was the thing Ray did when Mew was heartbroken? He asked Mew for a chance.

For my last point, I just want people to try and be in the friend's place for a second. In everyone's place actually (except for Ray's). Would you be a pantheon of peace and calm when your friend keeps on doing things that hurt you? The series did a great job at showing how Ray's traumas hurt him, but it also did a great job at showing how Ray's substance abuse hurts everyone around him.

As I said, when you are close to someone who has an addiction, you want to help them because you know that it's hard, but at some point, you get tired because, in the end, you are putting your own mental and emotional health in line for someone else. Most of the time, the person doesn't accept your help. It's not that they don't know they are addicted (sometimes that's the case tho, not trying to generalize, but I'm using my personal example and Ray for this), is that they don't want to assume it, they honestly want to believe they are in control.

Ray doesn't have the best support friendship, but in the end, not a single one of his friends is well enough to help him out, not even Sand. Not one of them has the capacity to help him, so I think it's unfair to place them as awful friends for not helping Ray out every time. Again, you can't help someone who does not accept help, but that also doesn't mean that they should just leave him to go crazy and drink like a madman, snort like his nose is made of steel. That's not it. But I think we should stop minimizing his acts just because of his mental issues and substance abuse. As someone who has mental issues in a way that I had similar thoughts to Ray, it does not mean that I'm allowed to treat others badly because of it. And I know people ain't trying to place Ray (only) as a victim, but I feel like the bar is raised high for everyone that isn't Ray, just because of his traumas and addiction -- let me also remind some of yall, that Top snorts too, he looks like he may have or may have had an addiction to his sleeping pills, his house caught fire and his parents weren't there to help him because his parents don't give a shit about him. From what we know the thing that sets him apart from Ray is that his mother didn't die in a very traumatic way, but still, I don't see anyone trying to justify his wrongings by using his traumas (as it should be).

This whole essay is just to say that no one is fully right here. We have people messing up and people trying to better themselves. Right now, Mew and Ray are messing up, but I'm sure at some point they will get better, and hopefully Ray will get the help that he needs because now he is looking for the help that he wants (aka Sand and Mew).

[jgyapologism]

predictions for ep 3 based on ep1&2 and previews:

+ just some general hunches and some arcs I can see happening as a storyteller myself. I have a week in between episodes and some time to kill ... so why the hell not put on my analysis goggles?

First and foremost, the Mew/Top/Boston fuckery (+ some Nick theories):

Based on Boston's actions and reputation as someone who sleeps around, I think Mew may have guessed right away how Top and Boston actually know each other. It's not hard to guess. This could be another reason why Mew is making Top work so hard for it.

Based on previews for Ep 3, there are so many possibilities on how it will pan out, but I think Top and Boston will definitely end up fucking. How, you ask? Why would Top agree to sleep with Boston after rejecting him so many times? Welllll ... we ALSO see in the preview 1) Boston trying to make Top jealous of RayMew and 2) Nick finding the photobooth photos of TopBoston. I don't think #1 has quite as much a chance of working as the preview makes us think. I think Top is confident enough that Mew likes him, and that Ray's feelings are unrequited. BUT, Boston holding something over Top to get him to sleep with him? 1000% plausible and would make much more sense given their dynamic - and the uncomfortable way in which Top simply ... didn't fight when Boston assaulted him in the shower (yes, I'm calling it assault. There was no consent). I think Top already knows that Boston has some leverage in their relationship. (Or, there's simply trauma for Top we haven't been introduced to yet, which is also completely plausible.)

But do I think Boston will actually have those photos in his possession by the end of the episode? Hell to the no. I think Nick will definitely swipe them for himself, as collateral to keep Boston around (in addition to the sex tape, which we have yet to see). We haven't seen Nick interact with ANY of the other characters, except for Sand, but that doesn't mean he isn't connected to other characters. I would not be surprised if Nick and Mew know each other somehow, or at the very least, he knows that Top is pursuing Mew and that Boston is friends with Mew. This is the queer community after all, and Top is one of the "Top Tier" which means everyone knows him, and word will have spread that he's pursuing someone named Mew. And just because we haven't seen Nick at the bar, doesn't mean he doesn't go.

I would not be surprised if Nick is the one to spill the tea about TopBoston to Mew (also just made myself laugh because - you know, spill the tea + Boston = Boston tea party. I can't with myself sometimes ya'll).

I think it would be soooo interesting for Boston to have his own dirty games used against him, by someone as seemingly innocent as Nick. Boston thinks he has the control in their relationship because of how blatantly Nick is into him, but Nick isn't above using manipulation and blackmail either.

(Also, can we just appreciate that Boston labeled the photos as "Hot Night" like who even is this guy)

BUT let's go back to TopBoston fucking in the car, yeah? Let's just assume this is a normal parking lot or side street. A parking lot/side street is a public space, and ANYONE can walk by and see what they're doing, so why have sex in a car of all places if you're not trying to get caught? Well, Top may not want to get caught, but could be under the influence enough, jealous enough, or under Boston's thumb just enough to agree to it. I think Boston definitely wants them to get caught. There really is only one scenario I see playing out, but it could play out in many ways. This is where Nick comes in.

As suggested in the preview for ep 3, Nick walks by and sees SOMETHING. The preview suggests it might be SandRay, but that wouldn't make sense thematically. Plus, the lighting doesn't match. But you know what scene it DOES match?

Also, it was in the OG trailer too that Nick catches TopBoston together, which I think means he'll have a huge role to play. I have a hunch he might actually see TopBoston fucking and videotape it to use as further blackmail against Boston. Boy's got a collection at this point.

Another possibility is that Mew sees it all for himself and continues to act beautifully oblivious to the fuckery happening behind his back while preparing some sort of revenge (or absolutely lose his shit and beat Boston like shown in the OG trailer). And also, based on ep 2 when he goes to grab them both from the showers, I have the suspicion he had the motive to catch them - which he doesn't, but he certainly notices Boston's shorts on the floor. I wouldn't be surprised if he notices them sneaking off alone and decides to catch them in the act.

Maybe both or neither of these HCs are going to happen. Who knows! Moral of the story: SOMEONE is going to see TopBoston fucking and the consequences are going to be juicy.

Man, I love that this show has given me my analysis goggles back. Thank u @ jojo and team.

[semantics-error]

Only Friends: What if Ray and Mew did hook up?

I don't think it's likely, but I can't stop thinking about - what if Ray and Mew actually did sleep together?

What if Mew made Ray keep quiet about it?

How awful would it feel seeing Mew use the "virgin" line to attract someone like Top? And leave you (Ray) behind because you knew he wasn't pure anymore?

And then to have Boston out that secret, the secret you've held close to your heart even though it hurts you every time your heart beats. Boston knew? This whole time? And (as far as you know) never outed Mew, never used it against him?

But the first time you find happiness with someone else, the first time you might actually be able to move on from that painful secret, he outs YOU? You, who didn't actually do anything wrong (having a crush on, and sleeping with your friend two years ago is not a crime).

It's been weeks, maybe months, since the end of episode 4. If Ray ever did love Mew, he's moved on by now. He is focused on Sand, and only Sand, and for once he isn't thinking about how Mew used him for his first time and then told him to disregard it.

I'm sure Boston is just exaggerating to stir shit up. But you KNOW if Mew asked Ray to keep their one night a secret, he would. He would do anything for Mew, who saved him when no one else would answer the phone. Even if it killed him.

[neuroticbookworm]

At first glance the show wants us to believe that Sand is already failing his own principle. And I was appalled that the show is positioning Sand as someone who is already falling for a drunk mess because of one (1) Dead Mom.

So I rewatched the scene.

And reconsidered everything that went down between Sand and Ray in this episode.

Ray basically stalks him to a strip club, buys Sand's company, and cockblocks him. All in a matter of days.

Which means this ^ apprehensive look Sand gives is NOT because he is falling/gonna fall for Ray. It's because he KNOWS Ray is gonna fall for him and can already see the drama that is gonna bring. And he wants no part of it.

[thatgirl4815]

Maybe it's an unintentional parallel, but it's so interesting to me that we see Ray embracing (imaginary) Sand straight-on in Ep10, whereas we have Mew embracing Ray from the back in Ep4. Could it be a reference to Ray's progression in confronting his trauma and mistakes head-on?

Ray is also notably closed off in the scene from Ep4, hugging himself. Even with Mew there, the posture suggests a sense of loneliness and isolation, of drowning in one's own despair. Whereas in Ep10, even though he's imaginary, Ray open his arms to Sand. He wants to embrace hope.

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

person who is sooooo normal about ray talks about the end of episode 10, what it confirms, what it introduces, and what it may even promise:

"can you please forgive me?"

starting off with this line.... there is a specific brand of betrayal and hurt reserved for the people who feel like the only ones in the world that can make you feel loved. we've seen ray get angry and even lash out at the other characters before but we haven't seen him breakdown the way he did in the sandray apartment fight. i think i took ray saying that he finally was starting to understand his feelings more in episode 9 too lightly, because it seems he meant more then just "i think i like you too" kind of thing, i wouldn't be surprised if ray realized the love he felt as well, and not just romantic love but the "you've seen so much of the ugliness in me but still stayed" kind of love and, if im gonna be bold, acceptance.

"you can be angry or hate me all you want"

lines like this tell me two things, the first being the guilt ray feels over the way he treats people and the second being how much pain he thinks he deserves for it. though i will say this time it feels different then in episode 4 where ray asks sand to call him a burden, because before he wanted sand to hurt him back (a bit of retaliation a bit of self-harm even) but this time he is asking for sand's understanding and forgiveness. he still thinks he deserves it, but now its more then just asking for someone to hurt you in order to reconcile (we will get to the fact sand isn't really there don't worry) there is a sort of emotional growth is what im trying to say.

"i know now that you want nothing from me"

this is also such a huge line for me. we know ray views himself as worthless, he would rationalize why anyone would want him (this is why he was so hurt about sand accepting money from his dad but that's already been meta'd to death so i won't get into that), so him not only thinking but verbalizing that sand is someone who is kind to him without expecting anything in return is huge for ray's ability to see himself as more than a burden or his father's money. in fact, i'd say him admitting this here means he is already beginning to gain a sense of self-worth.

"though i've been nothing but an asshole to you, you are always there for me"

this is the part where we really see ray break. im not good at reading other people's emotions so im not gonna comment on what emotions the actor is trying to portray (tho he is portraying some big ones goddamn), from a text stand point, im interpereting this as pain. I talked before a bit about guilt but i'd say at this moment the realization that someone can care for him so deeply that the parts of himself he's sure are not only unlovable but hurtful won't drive them away, causes him a lot of pain. as someone who is bad feeling cared for or appreciated as a person and sometimes acts like a dick about it, i too would break apart at this moment.

"please understand me"

now this is the line that inspired this post in the first place. he struggles with the connections he has with others but you can see how lonely this man is. like he has been told he is a burden, he interperets his life events and the way other people treat him as proof he is fundamentally unlovable and bad luck for anyone he gets close to, and he is a self-fulfilling prophecy about it.

when he asks sand to understand him he's asking sand to look deeper then his self-sabotoging and attachment issues and see the love and care he has that he struggles to understand and feel and express. he is filled with so much pain how could it not start to infect everyone around him, but from what we see of him, he probably never wanted to hurt other people in this way to begin with.

i think the reason this line specifically broke my heart is that, so much of his behavior at times can be interpreted as a subconscious cry for help, help he won't except but help he needs anyway. i knew any arc involving ray addressing his addiction would destroy me because there is the pain experiencing the things i mentioned above, the pain in thinking you're helpless to them, and then the pain in doing what it takes to try to move forward from them, like this shit is hard. the clarity ray is able to adress imaginary sand with is so incredible even though its in his head, especially given how stubborn he'd been about admitting any issues in the first place.

"being with me requires some patience"

all that i said above and more... i don't think ray will get over that feeling of being a burden any time soon if he ever does because it becomes so ingrained in your worldview and the way you interpret other people's behavior. i like the way this line is phrased (i know its a translation but still) because it alludes to him feeling that he is capable of being loved, it'll be hard but not impossible.

"but if you don't want to put up with me anymore, that's alright. i get you"

remember how i just said i think he now believes he's lovable... well actually i still mean it. he's been constantly told and shown how his behaviour and mentality are hard to deal with, like he thinks his existence is so burdensome it killed his own mother BUT he now knows sand is different. he won't blame sand for not wanting to deal with him, he's always been aware of his shortcomings but can now honestly address the effect his actions have on others, and at the same time he knows that its possible to care for him.

this is why i think sand is his motivation for going to rehab, he's shown ray what is possible for him in ways no one else before sand has.

"but please know this"

there is something so special about the impact sand has had on ray that i think goes beyond their relationship. sand made ray see the value in having a future, in being loved, in being happy. in episode 8 ray tells sand that he's finally happy when they spend time together, and it may seem like he's repeating it here but again this sand is imaginary. he's not saying this to get sand to answer his texts or hang out with him. he's imagining his reason for wanting to recover from addiction. like the weight this scene carries at least triples for me everytime i remember sand isn't really there. this was such a beautiful choice to make imo like ray saying these things to sand would probably be good for their relationship but it wouldn't have the same impact on ray's character arc.

my conclusion is once again don't know why i rambled on besides, ray as character was manufactured in a lab to drive me insane. like i've triggered my mood disorder twice over the course of watching this show but i wouldn't take it back for even a second. i love ray, i love what we've seen of his mentality and backstory, i love that we're seeing him making the decision to address his addiction, i go numb with the thought of where his arc will go next, but i especially love seeing everyone come together to scream about this character that means so much to me (not at all subtle reference to the fact i've read hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone by @jgyapologism what three? times now) anyway hope we all continue to scream about him this week. 🫡🫡

[tomatoland]

My theory that Boston showed Top something more than the RayMew kiss is surprisingly still holding.

Watch when Top stops guarding his expression when Mew walks away, after Mew admits that they did kiss once, but strongly denies that anything further could have happened with Ray because Mew only sees him as a friend.

The look on Top's face is more than I said the wrong thing, I need to do damage control so I can reassure my prey because then you would only expect the second gif.

This is the very second he realizes how badly he fucked up. The lip-biting FUCK on his face. When he realizes how badly he got it wrong.

And the moment he decides he’s going to fix it, coming up with the play on the fly but he kinda looks frustrated he has to, like he's annoyed with himself. So much internal dialogue going on and it happens in literally SIX seconds.

Brilliant acting by Force

[akkpipitphattana]

no because i actually need to talk about this because this episode really really drove home for me how low sand exists for himself on the totem pole. he doesn’t hate himself like ray does, he doesn’t drown himself in self pity, but for sand, he is his own last priority.

with what we know from sand’s childhood, it’s easy to gather that he has likely always been the one looking out for his mom. she lacked responsibility, so sand had to step up as a kid. and when you’re a kid and you have to look out for the person that’s supposed be taking care of you, that starts the trend of viewing yourself as last on your priorities list. you need to take care of everyone else and then you can take care of you if you have any mental bandwidth left.

but that’s not obvious because if you look at sand, he seems put together. he has dreams, a goal, five different side hustles, he can cook, he exercises, he’s clearly taking care of himself, right? wrong.

because that’s the sand that he wants everyone to see. take care of yourself just enough so no one else worries because no one else can worry about you, that’d keep them from focusing on them. and god is he the KING of bottling shit up. he holds in all the pain, the emotion, let’s it fester into bitter anger, which is why he resents top so much despite the fact that it was boeing that left. because it’s easier to blame the guy you don’t know than the guy you love. it’s easier to say top seduced boeing than accept that maybe sand just wasn’t enough. it’s not that sand “never got over boeing” it’s that he never got over what happened. he never expressed those feelings beyond sassy comments and bitter eye rolls and then that audio business, but that was still in anger at top. he never acknowledge his hurt over what boeing did, even if he doesn’t have feelings for him anymore.

which is also why sand barely fucking cries. i know this seems like an odd point to make, but as a first kanaphan enthusiast i have to point out what i’ve noticed and that’s that in comparison to other first characters? sand is stone fucking cold. he gets choked, mind you, a single tear at the end of ep5 and welled up at the end of ep6 even, but the only time he REALLY breaks down are in ep10 when ray screams at him and he thinks he’s really lost him and ep11 when he reunites with ray and realizes he hasn’t. and those are MASSIVE emotional releases because sand! bottles! shit! up! he doesn’t wanna put that on anyone else, so he holds it in and only breaks down fully when it’s too much and when he’s alone.

and like we’ve seen the way he sets aside his own care for ray over and over, we see the way he loves his mom, even with nick he’s always the one comforting. so it’s no surprise that when boeing shows up, he can’t establish firm boundaries. i’ve already said this, but i really do think when boeing asked if he had a chance, sand said no, but because boeing KNOWS sand and he KNOWS that sand cares so little for his own boundaries, he’ll keep pushing. because he thinks sand will eventually break.

and now ray and boeing are throwing him around trying to see who he chooses, and i just. i need sand to snap. i need him to actually be honest about what he feels and what he wants and put himself first for once.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Who is Mew Anyway?

I realized we are over halfway through Only Friends now, and that I have only talked about Mew once in my write ups. Which…makes sense for me, all things considered, until now he’s kind of been a blah character in my eyes. And I am leaning in to and really appreciating how intentional that is beginning to feel on behalf of Jojo and co. 

When you think about it, until literally halfway through the show we have known almost nothing about Mew besides the fact that he is the table keeper for his friends, he is a hotel management student, and he’s a virgin. If you asked me to list any other facts about Mew’s life or his role in life, I would not have been able to answer much of anything. 

And that’s because Mew isn’t really anything. Personally, I feel like Mew thinks he has a strong sense of self and the second that something comes along to question that, all those illusions he has of himself start crumbling. When I look at Mew’s character, and I mean start getting in to the nitty gritty of Mew’s character, I don’t think Mew has any idea who he is. Which, for a show about college students is fucking brilliant. I thought I knew who I was in college, and then I graduated and promptly became queer and trans. I thought I knew what career I wanted, and then I ended up going to grad school for something outside of my initial plans. I know @waitmyturtles mentioned something similar about trying on different personalities in college in her Episode 7 Review. 

Think about Mew’s apartment, it was his mother’s old place. He took it over after she moved out. He didn’t choose this place, we can’t be certain this is the type of apartment or the location that Mew would actively decide to be in. When he brings Top home the first night they meet, Top comments on the place:

“Your room is nice, it suits you” 

To which Mew replies ‘It’s my Mom’s old room. I decorated it using ideas from the internet” 

Which says to me that Mew’s own personality, his own interests weren’t even involved in the creation of his own personal space. He decorated it based on inspiration from what other people had done to their own places. And Mew’s apartment fascinates me further, as a color-coder in BL kinda person. Because Mew’s apartment is all over the place in its decoration. 

On one wall we have striped wallpaper, in orange hues.

On another we have light blue walls with white and golden patterning. A yellow couch, a blue bookshelf. 

In his room he has a wall that is painted a solid green

And I can’t quite get a good image of it, but the opposite wall in his room is painted a dark turquoise with white patterning, which is different from Ray’s house, but still evokes a similar visual point of comparison.

Even Mew himself, when we first meet him is alllllll over the place with his colors. He has lines all over his shirt, with squares of different colors. His second look of the show is a solid light blue shirt over top of a striped shirt with orange, green, yellow.

His bed sheets are similarly stripes with dark gray, green, yellow, and orange.

Which is to say, at the beginning of our time with Mew, it is hard to pin down who he is as a person. He doesn’t have a color, he doesn’t have a pattern, to associate with his character. He fluctuates between rich, saturated colors and light, washed out pastels. 

When I think of Mew, I think of all the outfits he’s worn that have a strong green tint to them, but honestly, looking back through his wardrobe, Mew has a broad range of colors he chooses from. 

(Now, I recognize that all of this could be because the costuming department does not actually care about color coding, and that the eclectic styling of Mew’s apartment was just how it already was. And that’s fine, but I’m here so I’m gonna overanalyze it.)

All this to say that, Mew’s colors, Mews home, Mew’s pattern choices are all very disparate. All this to say that as a result I am now assuming that Mew does not know who he is, and neither do we. He could go any number of ways. Mew could go orange, yellow, green, blue. He could be complicated (with complex patterns) or straight forward (with solid colors). But none of us know at the beginning of this show quite where he will go. 

Truthfully, the only aspect of Mew that I have seen be steadfast throughout the show, is Mew’s moral superiority complex. Everything else is mutable. Mew has throughout most of the show, regarded himself as a good person. He doesn’t drink much, he doesn’t dance much, he doesn’t sleep around at all, and that somehow in his mind, grants Mew the opportunity to talk down to his friends. 

He’s not an alcoholic like Ray who he has no problem lecturing in the bathroom about how he is  going to be dead by 30, despite knowing that Ray is/was suicidal. He’s not a slut like Boston, who is far too obsessed with Mew’s virginity, etc. etc. etc. Mew fucks with Top, deciding that he is going to wait to have sex with him for awhile. And that is his right, but Mew doesn’t say he’s waiting because he isn’t comfortable with sex. He tells Boston and Cheum that he is waiting to have sex with Top to make sure that Top is serious about their relationship. Because if Top is serious about dating Mew without sex being involved, that means that Mew is worthy of the top tier because he is top tier, and not because he is an easy lay that Top can use for bragging rights (bagging a virgin). 

And I would have previously entertained a conversation around whether or not that is true, but unfortunately for any dissenters to my read of Mew, now that Mew has decided to #embracethenasty, there is no convincing me out of my observation that Mew does not know who he is. 

Why? Because the second that Mew starts retaliating against Top, the second he decides to ruin Top’s life, to stoop low, to be the lesser person…Mew starts dressing like Ray. I am certainly not the first person to notice this, it has been circulating in multiple different forms across my tumblr page, but.

Gif from @firstmix

Mew doesn’t know who he is, Mew doesn’t know how he fits in to the world now that he has decided to make Top’s life a living hell. I am not convinced Mew is capable of seeing himself as a bad person, because he isn’t a slut or an addict or a cheater. [As an aside here, this is Mew’s thinking, not my own personal beliefs on what makes someone a good or bad person]. So, of course, if he wanted to become a bad person. If he wanted to play at being as toxic and terrible as the people around him, it makes sense Mew would don the wardrobe of his “best friend”, Ray. Ray, who Mew looks down on for being an alcoholic, for not valuing his life. Who Mew has told time and time again to love himself, and to quit drinking and doing drugs, as if that is going to cure Ray’s addiction. And who in under five minutes just took a blowtorch to everyone’s relationships. 

Why? Because Mew is so self-righteous that he looks down on others around him. Mew isn’t ready or willing to look at and acknowledge the nasty, flawed parts of himself, so he adorns the nasty, flawed parts of others, to abstract himself from his own behavior. He uses Ray’s clothing, Nick’s methodology, and Boston’s personality to retaliate at the people he feels wronged by. 

Mew uses Boston against himself, wielding Boston’s sexual prowess, his willingness to fuck, his Hunter charm to get himself in to Gap’s apartment. He uses Nick’s methodology to steal the video of Boston and lords the knowledge over Boston’s head (like Nick did to Top), and again, he is wearing Ray’s clothing. But while Mew is trying to be a chameleon in his behavior, his appearance, his strategy to get back at Top, Mew’s own flavor of flaw starts becoming ever more clear. 

Mew has a superiority complex.

It is absolutely, unbelievable shitty and vile to threaten to out Boston to his father. To treat Boston’s privacy and safety with such disdain. Boston records others and he keeps those images as evidence, so Mew steals Boston’s MO. Mew takes the recording of Boston, looks Boston in the eye, and makes Boston think that he is going to hold on to that for evidence.

Now, right before this, Mew does actually draw a comparison point between himself and Boston. 

“You and I have something in common.” he says

“We’re both gullible” 

Mew makes Boston beg. And after he has made Boston sweat sufficiently, he throws the flashdrive on the ground. He says: “I’m kidding. No matter how much I hate you, I won’t do it. Because I don’t betray my friend like you did. 

“Then I’d be just as filthy as you are.”

While Mew is able to identify a potential flaw of his own, being gullible isn’t a fundamental aspect of Mew’s personality or character, being gullible isn’t who Mew is. It’s a flaw that he is pointing out only because he is still reeling from allowing himself to be fooled by Top and Boston. It’s a flaw that he is point out so that he can weaponize his superiority complex. 

In other words: “You and I have something in common, but I am better than you because I don’t betray my friends”  As if he didn’t just threaten to publicize Boston’s sex life to his father, the implications of which could have a national impact.

And while it is ultimately unsurprising that Mew channels Ray in doing all of this, it is interesting. Interesting because Mew is using Ray. Mew not only knows that Ray is capable of fucking up his own life, and the lives of the people around him, he also knows that Ray is the least liked by both Boston and Top. Boston’s distaste for Ray is subtle, as his obsession with Top and Mew has been more at the forefront of his interactions with his friends. But we have seen from the very beginning of this show that Boston does nothing to care for Ray. Boston is assigned to take care of Ray and make sure he is safe when he’s been drinking too much. Boston literally never once helps Ray when he’s drunk. Boston sees Ray and Sand crossed, cuddling, and generally having a good time, and Boston goes and airs Ray’s dirty laundry. Ray is the first person to confront Boston about cuckolding Mew. 

So wearing clothing that is reminiscent of Ray when Mew goes to Boston’s house to threaten him is a flavorful undertone for how Mew is hoping Boston will see him. 

At the points in which Top and Mew interact during the episode, Mew is not dressed like Ray, but he sure as shit does lord Ray over Top just to fuck with him. When Top comes to apologize to Mew, Mew asks Ray to find a new designer, literally asking Ray to replace Top. When Ray helps treat Mew’s injury after the group fight, Mew decides to use Ray as a rebound. To use Ray’s feelings for him as a way to experiment, once again, with the type of person he wants to be and the type of person he wants to be with. We end the episode with Ray and Mew dancing together at the bar, Mew dressed in a very Ray style

Because Mew is trying Ray on for size, trying his fashion, his company, his lifestyle (as we see from the promo for next week) and that is prone to make RayMew crash and burn, because Ray is self-destructive enough as is, and I don’t think Mew is going to do well with treating himself with Ray’s level of self-care.

Mew doesn’t know who he is, Mew doesn’t know what he wants, the only thing Mew knows is that he’s better than everyone around him, and he can only stoop as low as them is by pretending he is them, rather than facing the fact that he's just as terribly human as the rest of the group.

[rabbiitte]

Character analysis #2

Ray's Self-Destructive Spiral: Unveiling the Repetition Compulsion.

We previously talked about how Mew can be associated with the idea of "control", today we'll talk about how Ray can be associated with the idea of "repetition". Specially, Ray can be associated to the idea of repetition of traumatic experiences. But “Why would anyone want to repeat a traumatic experience?”, you may ask. I've been asking myself that question since EP2, since that episode contains the bases and fundamentals to understand two of the most complex characters in the series: Top and Ray. However, today we'll concentrate on Ray and his tendency to repeat self-destructive patterns rooted in his mother's death. I'll share with you my study about the repetition compulsion concept within Freud's psychoanalytic theory and how it can be related to Ray. We'll also address the concepts of acting out and transference. This is going to be extensive, but if you are interested, keep reading and join me as I delve into Ray's intricacies!

1. Unearthing the Patterns: Ray's Repetition Compulsion.

We all go back to doing what gives us pleasure. It could be something like watching a movie that makes us happy or something deeper. Do you remember when we talked about Top's need to be rewarded? This repetitive behavior of constantly asking for rewards obeys the need to be recognized and appreciated. When we are rewarded (we get the reward itself but also) we know we did things right and feel appreciated, which provokes pleasure. According to Freud, when we repeat actions/situations/patterns that give us pleasure, the repetition is positive and when we repeat actions/situations/patterns that don't give us pleasure, the repetition is pathological. In the series, pathological repetition can be seen reflected through Ray.

I think the vast majority will agree that Ray's alcoholism takes a new meaning after learning that his mother died from alcohol consumption (and perhaps due to other substances too). Why does Ray repeat his mother's alcoholism if he knows that it led to her death? Why do parents repeat the unhealthy patterns they experienced when they were children? Why an individual tends to choose friends who mistreat him/her after being mistreated? According to the psychoanalytic theory, this is due to the repetition compulsion.

Repetition compulsion: The repetition compulsion is a psychological concept introduced by Sigmund Freud. It refers to a person's tendency to unconsciously repeat past experiences, often traumatic or distressing ones, in their present behaviour or relationships. This repetition can occur despite the individual's awareness that it may not be in their best interest. Freud believed that this compulsion stemmed from an innate drive to master or resolve unresolved issues from the past, even if doing so is painful or self-destructive. The repetition compulsion can influence various aspects of a person's life, including relationships, choices and reactions, often leading to patterns of behaviour that seem illogical or counterproductive.

As stated, the repetition compulsion includes both positive and negative patterns of behaviour. But, when an individual unconsciously reenact harmful or destructive patterns from their past and these repetitions result in negative or harmful outcomes, we're talking about destructive repetition.

Destructive repetition: refers to the repetition of harmful or self-destructive behaviours. This can include self-harm, substance abuse, or engaging in relationships with patterns of emotional or physical abuse. Destructive repetition often reflects unresolved psychological issues and can be an attempt to gain control or find meaning in past experiences.

That's why parents repeat their parents' parenting patterns, to gain control over the traumatic experience. That's why an individual will unconsciously choose friends who mistreat him/her, to gain control over the traumatic experience. And that's why Ray repeats his mother's addiction/s, to gain control over the traumatic experience. Ray's choice to engage in alcohol consumption despite its destructive consequences mirrors the destructive patterns associated with his mother's death. In other words, Ray may be unconsciously repeating the addiction his mother experienced to try to make sense of her death, in a context where he feels a false sense of control over his own alcoholism.

In addition to being a case of destructive repetition compulsion, Ray's repetition could fall into the following categories:

Repetition of Traumatic Events: Individuals may unconsciously recreate or reenact traumatic events from their past in an attempt to master or make sense of them.

Repetition of Self-Sabotage: Some individuals repeatedly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as substance abuse or destructive habits, despite knowing the negative consequences.

Repetition of Childhood Experiences: People may unconsciously repeat patterns or dynamics from their childhood within their adult lives.

Based on the scene of EP4, in which Ray asks Mew if he thinks he'll end up like his mother, I'd say there's a chance Ray is aware of his destructive patterns of behaviour. He has the self-awareness but he doesn't have the will to change. Perhaps because he thinks he deserves it? However, it seems that Ray is still trying to understand and gain control (it's interesting how we always come back to this idea) about his mother's death. At the same time, he seems to be also interested in discovering his role or influence on it.

2. Ray's Inner Turmoil: Acting Out and Suicide Attempt.

The nonverbal way in which the destructive repetition compulsion manifests itself is through acting out.

Acting out: refers to the expression of emotions or internal conflicts through impulsive and disruptive actions rather than expressing them verbally. It can manifest itself in behaviours such as tantrums, defiant behaviour, verbal or physical aggression, or even self-destructive behaviours. "Acting out" is often an attempt to communicate emotional needs that are difficult to put into words, but it manifests itself in disorganized and disruptive ways.

With this in mind, in the opening scene of EP4, the "acting out" would be Ray's impulsive and disruptive action of taking an overdose of pills, which is a self-destructive attempt and a way of expressing his emotional conflicts in a non-verbal way. In that time period, Ray might have been struggling to express his need for affection and his feeling of loneliness, prompting him to act self-destructively. Had he died, he would have died in the same way his mother died: consuming alcohol and drugs.

The moment of acting out shouldn't be confused with the nervous breakdown Ray suffered. Acting out is related to the presence of disruptive behaviours in a nonverbal way as a form of expression of internal conflicts. While the nervous breakdown (in this case, it happens after the acting out moment) is characterized by:

Uncontrollable crying: the person may cry intensely and for a long time without being able to stop.

Feeling of despair: the person may feel overwhelmed by sadness, fear or anxiety, and may think that there isn't a solution to problems.

Loss of emotional control: a person may experience a feeling of emotional lack of control and feel that the emotions are out of reach.

Isolation: The person may withdraw from others and seek solitude as a way to cope with the crisis.

Expression of negative thoughts: the person may express negative thoughts about themselves, such as feeling worthless or guilty.

(a nervous breakdown may include physical symptoms too but only the visible symptoms present in Ray's scene were shared).

This is Ray's way of manifesting his inner conflicts based on unresolved traumatic experiences through destructive behaviour.

3. Ray's Unresolved Emotions: The Impact of Transferential Patterns on Romantic Choices.

Let's keep talking about EP4, but this time focusing on Mew's importance (because it's impossible to talk about Ray without talking about Mew) and this line: “she never hugged me like this, you know?”. According to Ray, in this scene, Mew provided him with something his mom didn't: affection. However, Mew didn't provide that solely in this scene. Mew provides affection, comfort, support, security and discipline on a regular basis to Ray (even today).

These features are typically associated with a mother figure and, as we explained in Mew's analysis, these are features that Mew has. Here the idea of “Ray isn't in love with Mew, he's in love with the idea of Mew” becomes relevant because everything suggests that Ray could be projecting onto Mew the caregiver and support figure role he didn't have in his relationship with his mother. But guess what? Sand also possesses these characteristics.

So it's no accident that Ray becomes romantically involved with the only two people who can provide him with what his mother couldn't, it's a pattern.

This could be Ray's way to look into adult relationships for what may have been missing in his relationship with his mother during childhood. This kind of search for relationships that fill emotional voids from the past is a common element in the transference theory in psychoanalysis.

Transference: refers to the reactivation and projection of unconscious feelings, desires and attitudes towards an authority figure or significant person in an individual's life. This often occurs when an individual develops strong feelings, positive or negative, toward their therapist or significant person, which are actually related to important figures from their past, such as parents, siblings, or significant others.

It's possible that Ray, with time and personal work, may come to terms with the fact that his unmet needs are, in fact, unmet needs. This would be an important step towards emotional maturation.

The emotional maturation process involves recognizing and addressing past emotional wounds, learning how to healthily meet emotional needs, and developing more balanced and fulfilling relationships. This may require therapy, self-reflection, and self-work. Each person has their own rhythm in this process, but awareness and the desire for change are positive steps towards emotional maturity.

However, as long as Ray doesn't stop projecting his unconscious feelings onto his partners, he may continue to experience difficulties in his relationships. Ray's relationships may be threatened by instability and unhealthy attitudes (like codependency) as a result of expectations and unresolved needs that can be difficult to fully satisfy through partners.

It's possible to interpret that Ray is trapped in behavioural and emotional patterns that reflect unresolved wounds from his childhood. His constant search for mother figures in his romantic interests and the repetition of these patterns could indicate that he's struggling to overcome his childhood trauma and feels trapped in his emotional childhood. It's as if Ray is frozen in time, still searching for answers about his mother's death and the affection he lacked as a child.

If you liked this analysis and want to read more, click here to read Mew's analysis.

[athousandbyeol]

discussion #9 (only friends): top's vulnerability and mew's kindness; breaking each other's walls [episode 2 recap]

again, topmew are driving me insane. it's only the second episode but there are so many nuances of pain slowly resurfacing as top and mew begin to meddle. it's heartbreaking, to say the least, how they've/will trigger/ed the best and worst in each other as their relationship progresses.

beforehand, i want to apologise because my thoughts are never coherent, and this post won't clarify anything that's going on between topmew. i find it difficult to pen my ideas down these days because topmew are written with so much precision, care and keenness, i don't think there's much unfolding that needs to be done. but i do want to talk about this one particular scene in episode 2 that broke my heart.

(this will be a short post so hehe)

as always, please take my discussion posts with a grain of salt :)

let's start.

top's vulnerability; an unexpected 'shedding' of top's confident facade

episode 2 is a mixture of many things. i like how we're seeing more of top, not just his confident and prideful nature, but more of his truest self; the core he tries to hide from everyone.

it's interesting how in every moment of top's vulnerability, mew is the person who witnesses it: 1) when top was subtly angry that mew turned down his offer of sex (the ice cream offer), 2) when mew almost caught top and boston in the shower cubicle (?), and 3) when top was about to take his sleeping pills.

as i mentioned in my previous post, top and mew are tempting each other into this 'losing' game just to see who's going to win and who's going to suffer the pain. however, i also see this 'hunter-hunter' relationship as the beginning of top and mew finding/regaining their truest identity. again, as i discussed before, their encounter would bring out the best and worst in them, and i believe meeting mew will change top for the better but meeting top will awaken the worst side of mew.

i think many people out there are more coherent than me when it comes to explaining the dynamic between top and mew, so i'll just make this very simple.

mew's kindness and attentiveness touch top's heart

after that cute (and sensual) cookie scene, top asked if he could sleep over at mew's house. again, i don't see any malice in this. i believe top is genuinely tired and he was just lazy to drive home. but, i also believe it's because top likes the warmth mew gave when they slept on the same bed before. top has tasted that before— so he wanted to have a morsel of it again. top believed they could revive that non-sexual connection tonight— but as mew said this was a reset and nothing like that had ever happened— top couldn't sleep together with mew on the same bed. bummer.

so, top agreed to sleep on the sofa instead. but he couldn't sleep. he was tossing and turning. he was visibly tired, though. so why he couldn't sleep?

he then decided to reach for something in his pocket—

—sleeping pills.

God. the way i gasped when i saw this. top is an insomniac. he can't sleep alone due to his trauma. (i made this assumption before and it broke my heart when it came to life...)

i like how top's comfort was mew's only concern at that point. he knew the sofa was uncomfortable, and he was particularly the one who insisted top to sleep on it. so the guilt mew felt was genuine to me— he felt bad for putting top in that situation.

and it's so amazing how 'loud' top's eyes were.

i see that scared and traumatised kid in those eyes; the fear that stayed with him for God knows how long resurfaced as mew 'caught' him red-handed, wanting to cave into the safety of those pills just to tame his suffocating notions down.

even so, top still tried to assure mew that he was okay. it was just another petty problem of his. it wasn't supposed to be mew's concern.

it was just top not wanting mew to see this weak side of his. because top has always flaunted himself as the confident and 'top of the top' amongst his friends/peers, so how could he break apart in front of mew— the person top was trying to woo? of course, he won't.

but this is why humans are humans, at the end of the day. no matter how hard we try to be everything that we wish to be, there's always going to be something that rips us apart. we aren't bulletproof. it's okay to be vulnerable. it's okay to be weak.

i bet no one has ever said these things to top; thus, the start of his flamboyant/confident persona is his (messed-up) understanding that he can't show his weaknesses in front of anyone, even to himself.

yet, mew approached him with gentleness. even though mew questioned the legitimacy of top's story (which, i did too), still, mew wasn't the one to jump to a conclusion that quickly. i think it's also heartwarming how mew was willing to listen. it's one of the things top didn't know he wanted and needed— someone that was willing to listen to the noises in his head.

side note: i would like to add how different top and boston are despite boston saying they're the same. in episode 2, nick was talking about his passion for animation. he was visibly happy sharing about his interest since boston asked him. i guess, nick perceived this as boston taking an interest on other things about nick that wasn't just about the sex. however, boston wasn't paying attention as he was busy developing the picture he took of nick. the convo ended just like that. this showed nothing mattered to boston; whatever nick likes or dislikes outside of sex doesn't matter to boston.

this is different from top because he did listen to every word mew said (the ice cream convo). so, although yes, top and boston do share some attributes, top is entirely a different person compared to boston. this is why top was so angry when boston said they're the same. top knew too well they aren't.

this act of kindness touched top's heart. i don't think top understood the severity of mew's actions toward him (yet), but this would be one of the reasons why top (will possibly) //sincerely// likes mew in the future.

i honestly have the same response as mew. i legit asked if this is true because really, everything top said in these two episodes, i don't believe him at all. but the glint in top's eyes indicates a different story that was waiting to be read, and who's going to read it well? mew. why? because mew likes to read. he wants to read top. mew wants to know top beyond everything he heard from everyone else. mew wants to understand top through and through (perhaps for his own benefit?).

it's safe to say that top was slightly hurt by mew's words, but it was also something top would've expected. he never told this to anyone/boston since he is top by the way— the best of the best. who would ever believe this confident jock is battling a (petty) fight of his own?

it's a given— this confident facade comes with the price of having no weaknesses— and top knew he couldn't expect much empathy or understanding from mew or anyone. i bet he was a bit confused too; why did i tell mew this? but i guess it has to do with top feeling at ease with mew. he believed mew was giving him options to share at his own pace, never once forcing top to say anything without his will.

mew was doubtful, and i think it's very valid. this also kind of verifies the idea that mew hasn't totally believed in everything top said/did to him, hence the 'reset' agenda mew introduced in their 'relationship'. mew knew all along of top's game, but this was mew confronting top head-on, with sincerity, because top was vulnerable. top was honest for the first time, at least to himself. and what would top get if he lied about his trauma to mew? honestly, i assume, nothing. nothing but mew's trust and love for top— which is everything that top wants from mew in the future.

and mew apologises. that's wonderful. i think that really sparked something in top's heart.

i still have doubts about top and will continue to doubt him until he proves me wrong, but i think he's telling the truth in this scene. why?

this is the first time top outwardly showed his vulnerable side to us; the audience. we've never seen it happen without some kind of obscurity; it's always from mew's perspective that we see the walls top built slowly starting to crack. but at this moment, it's just top, mew and us. he has nowhere to hide, and no one is judging him. mew isn't judging him. and we aren't too. who would judge anyone who's just sharing their problems? i don't think it's fair to do so.

additionally, i think it's another smart directing. p'jojo and p'ninew introduced this scene to us early on so that we know why top ended up doing whatever he will do in the future— it provides an exhibition(s) once topmew's relationship is put into 'trial'. at least, we know that top isn't entirely bad; he's just someone who resorted to sex because he can't sleep. however, that doesn't justify infidelity/dishonesty in any form of relationship.

and it's also interesting how we know mew (and the other characters) are being interviewed in the blue room, which means they (and us, the person behind the camera) are involved in their story too. this is why i said we're more so included in their journey in this series. also, the characters will turn to us to seek validation/answers/confirmation on what they should/will do in the future. i think that's why this scene feels sincere and heart-wrenching because we are present at the moment— we are there to witness top showing a part of himself that he despises; his sleeping problems, not only to mew but the audience.

i like this scene a lot because we get to see mew being the way we all perceive him to be initially; kind, understanding and helpful. these are the traits that bound ray around mew still, and this also will be the reason for top's deep infatuation for mew in the future.

furthermore, when mew offered to sleep next to top, i really see that as an act of kindness. this moment brought out the best side of mew, the gentle and attentive side of him that everyone loves him for (ray especially). so it was a liberating moment for top to have a taste of mew again— not sexually— but this intimacy that transcends the 'comfort' sex can give to top.

at this point, what i can deduce is sex has always been top's 'sleeping pill'. he can spend the whole night fucking someone so that he won't have to close his eyes and surrender to the trauma of 'dying alone'. i guess a part of top is just afraid of being lonely— of not being wanted. that's why he created this confident persona. it's the only way to make people 'desire' him. it's the only way to be valid and wanted by anyone.

but hugging mew— having someone on the bed and not doing anything but cuddling— provides top with the warmth and security he has always wanted and needed. as i said, this will be the main reason why top will hold onto mew— why he likes mew so much— why he's the one crying as mew confronted him of his past 'sins'.

but still, it breaks my heart how top insists that he's fine and he doesn't want mew to worry about him (or see/belittle his flaws to his face). it would hurt top's pride if mew did that. but we all know mew wouldn't. if a person is kind to him— if they respect mew, mew will respect them too.

in fact, mew offered a helping hand—

—in which top quickly agreed.

it's so... sad. it's sad how mew is the one who wanted to know top better; mew is the one who wanted to help top to sleep better; mew is the one who brings out the best in top.

but it's also sad how this won't be easy for top because boston is still around; his sexual needs aren't yet fulfilled; his ego is constantly challenged by mew and boston; top resorting to boston as boston has always been the easiest 'way out' to make top feel in control again. top is so afraid of losing control of himself and his surroundings that he knows— fucking and having boston in his life will always provide him with a sense of power and stability.

and that's just heart-shattering to me.

side note: i guess, when top and boston have sex in the car next week, it might be because of top's frustration. he feels like a loser because mew is constantly toppling his ego and top just can't take that from mew. he feels so powerless and challenged by mew's firmness. why? because mew is his weakness. and top is slowly realising whatever mew said to him during the laser tag game was true. perhaps, top was in a state of denial; he was trying to discredit his feelings for mew, not wanting to believe it is not more than ' i think i like you' but merely 'i just want to fuck you'. this will fuck top up so badly and thus— boston is there at his service. boston will say that he's right all along and mew isn't interested in top and he's already losing in this game. so top takes boston in because, with boston, he'll always win. //this breaks my heart...

damn. i'm just... shattered... at this point. this checklist thing is driving me to the edge. goodness. mew. top. you guys are killing me.

how topmew's relationship will play out; a prediction

i would like to share my assumption on how the first half of topmew's relationship will unfold (episodes 3 to 6).

in episode 3, i think it'll be the start of mew discovering top and boston's secret relationship (the car sex will be crucial evidence in the future).

since p'book said episode 4 will be spicy, i have a feeling their first time will be in episodes 4/5 as mew might 'change' his strategy now by allowing top to have 'his way' with mew.

then, episode 5 will be topmew's 'honeymoon' phase when they're finally coming to terms with their feelings. the shower scene we see in the trailer might be in episodes 4-5 too since top said, "before, when i had sex with someone else, my only concern was if i orgasmed. but with mew, i want to make you as happy as possible." i guess this line is spoken before they have sex (to make mew believe that mew is always going to be top's priority). but it can also be after they had sex too.

i read a tweet that said forcebook love episode 6 the most. p'force said it is the climax so i'm guessing it's when the confrontation scene will take place. mew might've saw something relating to topboston's relationship (the photobooth picture that nick has? i think nick might show it to mew just because nick wants boston to stop meeting top), so he lashes out at top right there and then, perhaps no longer believing in anything top tries to justify.

and i think after episode 6 ends, it'll be the start of the intense drama, not only between topmew but other pairs as well. also, this marks the beginning of mew's transformation.

but again, these are just assumptions that i made. hehe

conclusion

it's fascinating to see how top sheds the confident side of him— the most important aspect of his personality— to mew, the person top wanted to win over. i like this vulnerability top showed to mew. it kind of solidifies the idea that top will cave into mew more and more in the future, and that dependency will turn into deep love— i want to believe top will love mew so much that he can't live without mew anymore. cue those heartbreaks because i'm so excited to see top breaking apart.

i honestly think i can no longer write a coherent and good topmew discussion post because they're just confusing and baffling me in every episode. however, if i ever want to highlight some important parts i see in an episode, i will try my best to pen them down. i apologise for this thought vomit :(

[1 | 2 | 3 | 4 (i) | 4 (ii) | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12]