#oh a complex GROUP dysfunction…. YES!!!

[moccahobi]

Eek! What a cool first chapter!

As an introductory chapter, I feel you weave so many important points to keep an eye on in this! Altho there was a lot we were learning about the dynamics of the mc and Tae and Namjoon and his friends, the way you wove exposition into the more action focused scenes of moving in was so wonderful!

We got moments of flashbacks that showed the mc's vulnerability and showed prime character points (like Tae saying Namjoon and the MC were "normal" and Namjoon's subsequent comment normal being relative). The characterization that we got to see as readers was shown through actions and flashbacks in ways that feel so much more tangible and reliable than what a character might say (... tae with his normal).

I also love how the conflict/s that might arise were woven throughout the chapter and slowly laid out/hinted at (LIKE WHEN TAE TOOK TOO LONG TO RESPOND AT THE WE THING? BRO U GET THEM ROOMING TOGETHER WTF U MEAN BY THAT SILENCE?).

There are also moments of humor that are shown through this story which helps keep the mood overall light (like the normal comment... sorry i keep harping on it lolol... and like Tae and the MC knowing Jimin was sleeping instead of helping with moving in). This lightness also really helped ease my mind off of some of the questions that are itching my brain.

Who does the mc know in the ot7 friend group? Have they met the members through Tae? Or will Namjoon also introduce them? Did Tae intentionally not introduce the mc to the members? Why isn't the mc close to them?

How does this theme of loneliness play out further? What will happen next for the mc? How will they grow? Will we see something in Namjoon as well that might need some care as well?

I am HOOKED! And can't wait to continue this series (in 5-10 business months because i am such a slow reader it is tragic... BUT I WILL READ IT!)

My live reation is under the read more.

I feel the living with a man. I don like the idea of it unless I know them well!

Oooof. That's tough! Not being able to room with who you wanted can be so challenging!

"Actually a good plan" 🤣🤣🤣 I love taes sas!

Their heart ran wild when tae offered his couch???? Do I sense unrequited love??

RIPPPPPPPPPP THEY DEF DO! I HAD JUST ASSUMED TAE TAUGHT THEM FRIENDLY LOVE BUT NOOOOOOOO

Tae bear is such a cute nickname!

😬😬😬 dysfunctional friendship??? What are u alluding to here!?!?

"It'll warm up before fall comes in full force". Ah yes. The autumnal foreplay

Too much stuff! 😭😭😭MEEEEEE

EEK! THEIR MEETING! I'd so do what Namjoon did with knocking too. Just to announce yourself. Esp when norms aren't set yet.

Love how tae said to both of them that the other is normal! 🤣🤣🤣 AND THE SUBJECTIVITY OF NORMAL!

The good person face! 😭😭😭 also I am namjoon awkwardly asking for a number

Inchresting comment abt boredom tae. I wonder if Namjoon would disagree or if I'm projecting 🤔🤔🤔

Oof. The emptieness of a place u just move into is so real! I relate so much.

Oh! I like how Namjoon and the mc have common friends outside of tae! It might make stuff harder if the mc confesses to tae and he lets them down... but that's just an if ówò

THE DOOR OPEN POLITICS! I feel this so hard with like how much it can affect housing dynamics.

YOONGI WIRH THE YOURE WRONG LINE ONGG

I feel the jumping! Also why is he on the floor???

Why did tae take so long after the WE?!? HUH??? HUH???

The awkward "you guys are close" comment 😭

Oof. Taes past relationships sound like they've taken quite a toll on the MC

Oh! Interesting question about how tae sees the mc!

I love how you tie their friendship with tae to loneliness. It really broadens the conflict past unrequited love and to the question of belonging! Which is such a cool and complex one!

I. Your Wild-Running Heart || KNJ

(banner by @/itaeewon)

Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)

Rating: NSFW - minors dni

Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns

Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader

Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!

Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love. 

Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.

//

When your roommate bails last-second and leaves you completely in a bind for the new school year, your best friend Taehyung mentions that his friend Namjoon needs a place off-campus, too.

Section Warnings: language

WC: 7k

The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold. - Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay

Friday August 28 

“Please, no,” you beg. “Please tell me this is a joke. I can’t live with a man. Do you know what men are like?”

Taehyung, quite a specimen of man last time you checked, cocks an eyebrow at you. “Y/N,” he says flatly. “You’re doing it again.”

It meaning being dramatic, and you resent that implication.

You whine, shuffling your feet unhappily. “But Tae,” you say - okay, you whine. “If my roommate is a guy, then I have to wear a bra in the apartment, like, all the time.”

“Oh my god,” he says, throwing his hands in the air, completely over you. “Do you want my help or not? What are your other options right now?”

How nice of him to ask. 

You’d been so excited to lease an apartment off-campus for your final year of university, even more excited to share it with a girl in your writing program named Penny. You hadn’t thought twice about putting the lease in only your own name, but when Penny texted you - the audacity of her to not even call - to say she wasn’t going to return in the fall after all, you were stuck with the responsibility.

So, since Taehyung asked, your options are this: pay the entire rent by yourself (impossible), or find a roommate, fast. 

“Namjoon’s a really good friend of mine,” Taehyung tries again. “I am personally vouching for him that he’s not a weirdo or a creep. His building flooded and he’s in a bind - just like you. He’s nice, he’s smart, and he’s normal.”

“What about clean?” you prod. 

Taehyung shrugs. “Cleaner than me.”

You sigh. You know Taehyung is right - you need someone quickly, and at this rate you’re bound to only find creeps. At least this guy - even though he’s a guy, which is your main issue - has been vetted.

“You’re not very clean,” you tell your best friend.

He grins at you, guilty as charged. 

“Could we talk first?” you suggest, nerves churning. “Like, can I meet him?”

Taehyung narrows his eyes at you. “Did you think I was going to drop the key off at his place and say ‘okay, have fun!’?”

“Maybe!” you cry, feeling a little hysterical. 

Taehyung rolls his eyes at you. “Want me to see if he can swing by the place tomorrow?”

The plan for the next day was originally for you two to load up your car through the morning, grab lunch somewhere, and then start moving your stuff into the apartment after you ate. 

“Yeah,” you answered. “That actually sounds like a good plan. Then he can see the apartment, too. And you’ll be there with me.”

“Actually a good plan,” Taehyung parrots with a scoff. “Please.”

After your lunch date, Taehyung drops you back home so you can finish packing. You’d packed a lot already - all of your big pieces of furniture were there already, your bedroom now just a mess of random piles of clothing and your bare mattress on the ground. A lot of what you still had were things you knew you’d need to use again during the days you were starting to pack - toiletries, electronics, that kind of thing. With a sigh, you turn on some music and start pulling hangers out of your closet. 

You think about your situation as you work. You’re disappointed about Penny - you’ve lost a roommate and a good friend, somehow. You’re nervous about meeting Taehyung’s friend Namjoon. You’re somehow both excited for and dreading the academic year starting - your final year, complete with a senior thesis course you’ll have to pass in June. And you’re excited for the apartment - your first one that isn’t an on-campus dorm. 

No campus security knocking on the doors, no RA going through your fridge for forbidden liquor bottles, no shared hallway bathrooms. With your own bedroom in the apartment, you’re guaranteed a space that is just yours, a sanctuary where you can have the quiet you crave and aesthetic you want, your own four walls that are completely your own. 

Taehyung’s apartment, which he shares with two friends, isn’t far from your new one - walking distance, actually. He’d offered you his couch there when Penny first bailed. But even if you took his offer, you’d be charged for breaking your lease, and you’d still have to find something more permanent - which would mean another security deposit, not to mention rent. As long as you kept the optimism that you’d successfully secure and keep a roommate, staying was the cheaper option.

You won’t talk about how you wish Taehyung would offer more than his couch.

You won’t talk about how when he’d said, “You know, you could stay with me,” in that deep, comforting voice of his, your heart had run wild. 

Then he’d continued, “That couch isn’t too bad to sleep on, I’ve done it before. And the guys wouldn’t mind. Then you’d have time to find something new, maybe something you can afford alone?”

And your wild-running heart had stuttered, stumbled, caught its footing, stood still. 

You can’t even get mad at him. He’s trying to help. It’s not his fault - at all - that he doesn’t know that your imagination leapt off a cliff at his words, was already picturing snuggling in his bed, those strong arms tight around your middle, was already picturing waking up to his sleepy smile. 

You don’t pretend for even a second that it’s anyone’s fault but your own. 

--

Around ten pm your Aunt Lin comes and knocks on your open door, looking down at the scene before her: you, sitting cross-legged on your bedroom floor, surrounded by half-closed boxes, miscellaneous items strewn around the floor around you, clothing piled up like mountains around you.

“You don’t look very ready,” she remarks.

“That’s helpful, thank you,” you say. 

Lin has raised you ever since you lost your grandmother, who had taken care of you before that. Your grandmother and Lin are the only parental figures you can really remember, but Lin’s technically only ten years your senior and has always felt more like a big sister than a mother. You can’t fault her for it; she was still quite young when she took over raising you. She certainly didn’t have to take you in, but she had, and she’d done her best. 

Lin chuckles. “Why isn’t Taehyung here helping?”

You roll your eyes. “He’s my friend, not my servant. He’s helping me move all this in tomorrow, that’s plenty.”

Lin shrugs, already disinterested. “Okay,” she says lightly. “Well, I wanted to say good luck with the move, and good luck with school this year. Let me know if you need anything.”

You look up from your packing and take in her appearance. She’s in scrubs, a huge thermos of coffee in her hand. She’s got work tonight, then, and won’t be here in the morning when Taehyung picks you up. You should have figured. 

“Thanks,” you say. 

She shifts, looking down the hall instead of at you, suddenly. Lin’s not great with emotions; it’s where you get it from.

“Okay,” she says. “I’ll see you for winter break? If not before?”

“Yeah,” you say. “Yeah. Definitely by then.”

She nods, tells you goodbye, and heads down the hallway. You hear the front door close, and you’re alone with your boxes. That’s about as mushy as it gets with Lin.

[11:44 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: what time tmrw?

[11:45 PM] You: you drive the car, you tell me

[11:51 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: 10?

[11:54 PM] You: you think that’s enough time to pack up the car and drive there before lunch?

[11:58 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: 🙄 this is why i asked YOU what time

[12:01 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: 😤

[12:02 AM] You: 9:30 

[12:03 AM] You: and bring me iced coffee 🤗 plsssss???

[12:06 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[12:08 AM] You: love u tete

[12:11 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: yeah yeah love you too 

You press the top of your phone into your forehead, closing your eyes. Letting yourself pretend, for just a second, that he could mean it the way you do.

Saturday August 29

Taehyung shows up in the morning - at ten, not nine-thirty, but he has an iced coffee for you in his car, so you let him live. 

It takes you over an hour to load up the car, the boxes and suitcases and garbage bags squished together, shoved impossibly tight, the world’s most desperate game of tetris. Taehyung declares it impossible no less than five times, bemoaning that he’ll have to make the hour drive a second time in order to fit all of your shit. 

In the end, you make it happen. It just takes a little determination. 

The drive to your university is around an hour, depending on traffic. You and Taehyung both don big, goofy aviators and blast music as you sail down the highway, the backseat loaded floor to ceiling. The car is so stuffed, you even have boxes between your feet and on your lap. 

The sun shines brightly down on you as you and Taehyung sing and groove your way through the drive, and you feel… so content, so sure that this is right, that you’re meant to be next to him, like this, forever. Like everything in the universe just clicked together to give you the perfect snapshot of how things are meant to be. 

What if you said it? What if you told him? 

Sometimes, moments like now, you just can’t fathom how he doesn’t feel it too. 

But you know better. You know he doesn’t - doesn’t want to. Something deep inside you tells you to tread carefully with this best friend of yours. Something instinctual tells you that the dysfunctional friendship you’ve crafted together is a Jenga tower and if you so much as nudge the wrong brick, it’s all coming down. 

You eat lunch at a table out in front of a cafe, people watching and basking in the sunlight. It’s the last, trickling days of August, but today’s breezy and cooler. It’ll warm up again before fall comes in full force, you’re sure, but you appreciate the reprieve from the scorching heat, since you’re about to spend several hours hauling boxes up a stairwell.

After lunch, Taehyung drives to your new neighborhood and finds a street-parking spot close to the front entrance of the tall, brick building.

“Okay,” he says. “Now the fun part.”

You giggle. “Have I told you yet that I appreciate you?”

“Elaborate, please,” he says, which is so typical for him. He looks over at you, sunglasses low on his nose.

You roll your eyes, but you’re smiling. “I appreciate you helping me move in. I appreciate you driving me. I appreciate the afternoon you’re about to spend carrying boxes and shit.”

“You’re forgetting something,” he tells you sagely.

You want to whack him in the belly for being so obnoxious, but you can’t risk him dumping all your stuff on the sidewalk and fucking off to let you deal with the stairs on your own. 

“I appreciate you finding me a roommate so I don’t have to sleep on your couch,” you add.

“There we go.” Satisfied, he unbuckles, and you both get out and examine the backseat for whichever Tetris piece seems like it could be removed easiest. Arms full of boxes, you make your way up the steps to the little lobby that houses a wall of mail slots, and then up a second set of stairs to your second-floor apartment.

You set down the box you were carrying and dig out the key, opening the door to your new home.

You really do love this apartment. Through the open space - past the kitchen and through the living room - sunlight streams in through the large front windows that overlook the city block below. You can already see in your mind where you’ll put plants on low tables, or hanging from the ceiling.

You had done the big stuff days ago, with both Lin and Taehyung’s help; Lin had rented a little moving van and you’d loaded up the big furniture. From Lin’s house, you’d taken your bedframe and boxspring, leaving just the mattress in your old bedroom at Lin’s house. You’d also loaded up your low dresser, a nightstand, and two bookshelves. You’d gotten a few pieces from a local repurposing store - a desk to work at and a little swiveling chair to go with it. Your final splurge was an expensive mattress; the one in the store had felt like damn clouds. It was set to be delivered sometime this afternoon. 

You’re already looking forward to going to sleep later.

You and Taehyung try to just put boxes where they’re meant to go. Two boxes end up in your bathroom, another two in the kitchen. You split the books between your bedroom and the living room, where a lone bookshelf is the only current piece of furniture. You heave bags of clothes and linens into your closet, determined to deal with them later. 

The mattress delivery goes smoothly, the truck arriving as you and Taehyung are about halfway done unloading the car. You leave the building’s front door and your apartment door propped open and both teams do their thing: the delivery guys carrying the mattress up the steps, you and Taehyung behind them with garbage bags full of your clothes or boxes of books. 

“You,” Taehyung pants, “have way too much stuff.”

You grin sheepishly, as in the other room your new mattress is removed from its plastic wrap and placed atop your awaiting boxspring. You’re itching to dig out your linens and make the bed; that’s always what makes a room feel ready to you, even back when you were just setting up a little dorm. Once the bed was made, everything else slowly fell into place. 

Once the delivery truck rolls away, you throw yourself bodily onto the mattress, letting out a series of happy groans as you let the pillowy goodness envelop you. 

“Taehyung,” you call tantalizingly. “Come feel it.”

You hear him drop a box in the living room with an audible oof - it must have been more books - and then he comes into your new bedroom and flops sideways across the bed next to you, the mattress jumping and settling again under his weight.

“Wow,” he says, rolling on his back and then turning to look at you, his legs bending to touch the floor. “This is nice. Let’s trade, I’ll bring mine over.”

“Nope,” you say, smiling. “I bought this one with my hard-earned summer money. It’s just for me.”

“Yeah,” he says, voice wry, “for you and your guests.”

Now you do whack him in the belly. He grunts, hands covering the spot, then lays still again.

“That wasn’t nice,” he comments mildly. “No hitting.”

“What guests?” you pout. “I haven’t had a guest since–”

“Ah, spare me the Great Drought of 2022 story,” he begs. He sits up, reaching into his pocket. As his hand retracts, you realize his phone is buzzing with an incoming call.

“Bro,” he says as a greeting, and then listens. “Yeah, we’re here now. That’s fine. Sounds good. Okay.”

He taps to hang up and looks at you. “Namjoon is almost here. That’s fine, right?”

“I was right here,” you huff. “Yes, it’s fine, but you literally could have asked me.”

Taehyung ignores you. “There’s one more box. I’ll go get it, and then I’ll stay while you meet with Joon, and then I’m gonna go, okay?”

“Oh,” you say, heart sinking a little bit. You’d kind of hoped he’d stick around, just hang out and goof off while you unpacked boxes and organized your stuff. “Sure.”

He reads you like a book; he always does.

“Don’t pout,” he says, and there’s something apologetic in his tone. “I just have to do some stuff today. And I really need to shower, this got me all sweaty.”

Well, you don’t need that mental image. Luckily, you’re saved from yourself by a knock at the front door. This strikes you as so polite, because not only is Namjoon going to literally live here, but also because the door is still propped wide open.

You sit up, fixing your hair from where you laid on it. Taehyung has already made his way through the living room and is giving a one-handed bro-hug to the guy at the door. You make your way over, heart thumping. 

You notice a few things right away. He’s tall - taller than Taehyung, and you don’t see that often. His eyes are absolutely striking - there’s sharpness to them, something that makes you want to see the world how he does, something that makes you want to keep looking, something that makes you curious about how he’d see you. 

When he smiles, each cheek dimples, the perfect size for the pad of your index finger. He’s all in browns except for a pair of light-wash jeans. He’s got a dark brown beanie tugged low on his head, and even his thin, wire-frame glasses seem to be chosen for the vibe above all else.

“Hi,” you say, sounding a little shy even to your own ears. Taehyung moves out of the way and you reach to shake Namjoon’s hand. “I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you. Taehyung promised me you’re normal.”

The guy lets out one big laugh, surprised. “He told me the same,” he says conspiratorially, “but really, that’s such a subjective thing.”

Taehyung rolls his eyes, and you step back to let Namjoon in, preparing to show him around. 

“Kitchen and living room are here,” you say unnecessarily, since he can see for himself. “Your bedroom would be on this side.” You push open the door and Namjoon sticks his head in. The room is completely bare, the empty closet door standing open. 

“You get your own bathroom,” Taehyung points out. Namjoon nods appreciatively, still looking silently back and forth across the room that would be his as soon as you pass him a key.

“Is it okay?” you ask, suddenly feeling nervous. If this guy backs out, you’ll be back at square one, and now with less time to solve the problem.

“Oh,” he says, as if remembering he should communicate. “Yeah! It’s great.” He turns and peers at the living room, which is empty but for your lone bookshelf and several boxes of books, unopened.

“I have some stuff we can put here, if you want?” he asks, his tone a little uncertain. “Specifically, I have a couch and coffee table, plus a TV and a console to put it on. It should all fit.”

“That would be great,” you say enthusiastically. “I was already stressing out about saving up enough for a couch.”

He nods easily, looking around the room thoughtfully. Taehyung has wandered over to the large windows and is looking up at the tree that stands right outside, the branches waving lightly in the afternoon breeze. With the sunlight coming in, he looks like a painting. 

“I have a rug, too,” Namjoon muses. “Would you be interested in that?”

“Definitely,” you tell him, tearing your eyes away from Taehyung’s back. There’s something knowing in Namjoon’s face as he watches you, and you flush, feeling weirdly caught.

“Okay,” he says, “I’ll bring it. What about kitchen stuff?”

“I don’t have a ton,” you admit, pointing to the two boxes - not very big ones - that you’ve left on the kitchen counter. “If you’ve got more, that’s probably good. I don’t cook that often, to be honest. I’m not very good at it.”

Namjoon smiles at you, leaning over a little like he’s letting you in on a secret. “I can barely boil water,” he admits. “So you’re all good.”

You stand together as you discuss how you’ll be splitting the monthly costs for the utilities, not to mention the high-speed wifi that’s getting set up in two days. That leaves you to work out the rent, what day it’s due and how you want to handle paying it. In the end, you decide that he’ll electronically pay you, and you’ll pay the landlord, since it’s your name on the lease. He pays you right there on the spot, and you pass him the key that was meant for Penny.

“Is it okay if I start moving my things tomorrow?” he asks you.

You shrug. “This place is yours now, too,” you say easily. “You can honestly do what you want.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll probably start in the morning then?”

“I can’t promise I’ll be up,” you laugh, “but don’t let that stop you!”

“Should we…” he pauses, adjusts his glasses. “Should we exchange numbers?”

Taehyung makes a face you know well; it’s the face he makes when he wants to laugh or make fun of something, and he’s doing the Good Person Thing by keeping the thought to himself, but he wants to make sure you know by his face that he is holding it in. He wants credit for doing the Good Person Thing.

You honestly hate him sometimes. It’s the only thing keeping you from tipping straight into insanity. Sometimes, I really hate Taehyung. 

“Yes, we probably should,” you say, because someone in this room needs to act like they aren’t twelve years old, and it’s not going to be Kim Taehyung, apparently.

You do, and then Namjoon tells you both goodbye, making his way back out to the hallway and down the steps. You can hear his footsteps fall away into nothing. 

Taehyung looks at you, smiles angelically. “See?” he says. “I told you he was nice.”

He reaches for his keys on your kitchen counter. You frown, detecting his imminent departure. 

“Will you come over tomorrow?” you ask, a little pitifully. 

He considers this, and nods. “For dinner?” he suggests. 

“Yeah,” you say. “We still won’t have wifi yet. We’ll be bored.”

“Only boring people get bored,” Taehyung says sagely, holding up one finger like a wizened philosopher. Then he comes to hug you goodbye, pulling you into a sweet embrace. You want to live there, in the spot between his arms. 

Once he’s gone, you look around your new home. Alone, you decide to put on music and start tackling boxes. You start in the bathroom, finding towels so you’ll be able to shower in the morning, unpacking all your toiletries, setting up your toothbrush just so. You do the kitchen second; the sun sets outside as you find places for your battered pots and pans. 

You stop for dinner, getting take-out from a place nearby that delivers. Then you dive back in, setting up your bedroom. It feels cozy already, once the bed is made and you’ve plugged in your little lamps. Calmer, you start folding clothes to put into dresser drawers. At one point you wander out of your room to get some water and you freeze in your bedroom doorway, struck by how lonely it feels. 

The rest of the apartment is lit only by the yellow glow coming from your bedroom, plus the thin, white light that filters in from the streetlight below the living room windows. You hurry into the kitchen and turn on the light over the sink, which vanishes some of the bad feeling for you. You pour your glass of water and lean heavily on the counter, looking out at your empty living room, and the dark doorway of Namjoon’s untouched room. You wish Taehyung had come back over, or that some of your university friends had moved back into the area sooner.

You rinse your glass and head back into your room, ready to distract yourself with more unpacking until you’re tired enough to sleep.

Sunday August 30

Bumps and crashes wake you in the morning. It takes you a few minutes to figure out where you are - ah, the cloud bed, in your new room. The morning sunlight is strong; apparently the windows on the front of the apartment face the east. You make a mental note to shop for some good blackout curtains, and check your phone. Not much waiting for you - Lin texted around 1 am asking if you got settled okay, probably while she was on a quick break. You answer her, check your socials, and then lay back, just looking around. 

You got a lot done yesterday, but you still have more unpacking to do. It also occurs to you that not only is there no coffee waiting for you in the kitchen, there’s no food of any kind in the whole place, unless you count your container of leftover takeout from last night. 

You shower and get dressed, figuring it's best to stay out of the way - you can hear the grunts and huffs and loud bumps that indicate Namjoon’s got some friends helping him move things in. But eventually, the growling in your stomach and your body’s clamoring for caffeine send you out into the living room.

The low entertainment center is in place across the room from you, a flatscreen tv situated on top. There are now two stools tucked beneath the breakfast bar in the kitchen, and a pretty, wooden coffee table sits in the center of the living room.

There’s a guy on the floor surrounded by furniture pieces, a screwdriver, and a packet of instructions in his hands. You can hear a lot of shouting, bumping, and cursing floating in from the stairwell down the hall. 

“Hey,” the guy on the floor says. “You’re Y/N? I’m Namjoon’s friend, Yoongi.”

“Hi,” you say, a little bewildered. “What are you… building?”

He sighs, squinting at the paper in his hand. “It’s supposed to be a bookshelf. Eventually.”

You’re about to respond to this when the noise from outside the open door gets infinitely louder. You see Namjoon’s expansive back as he shuffles backwards through the doorway, one end of a faded, grey couch in his hands. 

“Okay, you have to turn,” he coaches whoever is on the other side.

The couch makes it through the door, and you’re surprised to see that you know the other person carrying the couch. He’s one of Taehyung’s best friends, and you’ve hung out together as a group plenty of times over the last three years.

“JayKay!” you call happily. “Welcome to my house!”

He laughs, nose scrunching with delight. “Y/N,” he crows. “Where should I put the couch?”

“Across from the tv,” Namjoon answers for you, sounding a little breathless. They shuffle through the room, and you notice for the first time that they’ve already put the rug in place, covering most of the warped, wooden floor of the living room. The couch settles over top of it, and Namjoon slides the coffee table to a more centered position.

One more guy comes through your doorway, carrying a nightstand and a lamp. He’s got quite possibly the widest shoulders you’ve ever seen. He disappears into Namjoon’s bedroom, and you hear the quiet thump as he sets the nightstand down in there.

“Wow,” you say. “You’ve got a whole moving crew.”

“Notice who’s not here helping,” Jungkook grumbles.

You smile to yourself. If you know him at all, you’ll guess Taehyung isn’t even out of bed yet. 

“In his defense,” you say, and Jungkook snorts, as if it’s so typical that you’d defend Taehyung, which… it might be, “he did a lot for me yesterday. We had his car packed with my stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jungkook mutters and turns to - presumably - get more stuff from downstairs.

“You have a lot left?” you ask Namjoon, who seems to be catching his breath for a minute, perched on the arm of the couch. “I’d offer to help, but I was just about to go get groceries - there’s very literally no food here.”

“We’re about done with the heavier stuff,” he says, looking at the open door, like he’ll find an inventory there that he can reference. “But still plenty of assembling left.”

“Hooray,” Yoongi deadpans from the floor, holding the instruction packet up in the air like a different angle will help him decipher the directions.

You find your little foldable cart and make your way to the grocery store a few blocks away. By the time you’re done scouring the aisles, you’ve loaded the cart to the top and still have to carry some of the bags. But at least now you’ll have food to eat, things to drink besides tap water. 

Getting up the stairs with your groceries sucks, but you make it, panting like crazy as you finally unlock the front door and let yourself in.

You’re greeted with silence; it’s clear the guys are all gone. The living room looks completely different than twenty-four hours ago. The couch and table look great, and it seems like Yoongi’s bookshelf is mostly complete - it’s upright, just missing a few shelves near the top. You set the groceries down in the kitchen next to three unopened boxes - it seems like Namjoon’s gameplan was the same as yours yesterday: get the boxes into the appropriate rooms, do the rest later. 

You peek into his bedroom - he’s left the door all the way open, which feels nice, like he trusts you, and you make a mental note that you should probably do the same. You notice that it looks like the furniture is all in place there, too. It doesn’t differ much from yours, actually. The bedframe is put together, the boxspring and mattress leaning against the far wall. He’s also got a tall chest of drawers, a wicker hamper, and in the corner, a desk. Namjoon’s furniture is a lot more modern looking than yours, sleek and matching. You bet he didn’t get half of his from the thrift store. 

You put the groceries away and make yourself a small lunch, eating it on the couch in the quiet of the apartment. You’ve got about twenty-four hours to go until there’s wifi and you can stream shows when you’re home alone. You’re just cleaning up your lunch when you hear a key in the lock, and then the cacophony of boys’ voices as they reenter the apartment. 

“-far superior, I’m telling you,” Jungkook is saying emphatically. The smell of greasy burgers and fries hits you in the kitchen along with the sound of his voice.

“I hear what you’re saying, and I respect your opinion,” a flat voice responds that you think might belong to Yoongi. “It’s just that you’re wrong.”

“Hey,” Namjoon says, noticing you standing in the kitchen. The guys pass through, heading into the living room, Jungkook already digging in the bag. They surround the coffee table, handing out burgers and fries, filling the room with delicious smells and noisy chatter.

You take this opportunity to head back into your room, sitting on your bedroom floor and opening one of your boxes of books, starting to put them on the small shelf beneath your window. You pop in your airpods and turn on music, losing yourself in the monotonous movement of digging out a new book, then turning to place it on the shelf. Rinse, and repeat.

When you finish, you move into your closet. You put your little wire shoe rack back together and locate your box of shoes, lining them up neatly. Then, you tackle another garbage bag full of clothes that go on hangers, flapping each shirt or dress to relieve it of wrinkles before hanging it up. After that, you find a box of miscellaneous dresser items - jewelry boxes, perfume bottles, headbands - and put those where you want them, too.

By the time you decide you need to sit down and take a break, it’s nearly evening, the light outside reaching that golden hour. You really do love the natural lighting in this place. 

You take out your airpods and set them to charge, listening carefully. You’ve had your bedroom door open this whole time, but the guys had left you alone and you’d minded your own business. Now, the apartment is filled with silence again. They must be gone.

You text Taehyung for the first time that day, which strikes you as weird. He must have been busy today, too. It’s odd for you two to make it until almost dinner without speaking.

“Dinner?” you text, and then wander out into the living room. 

“Hey,” a voice says from near the floor, and you practically leap out of your skin. You startle so violently that your phone slips from your hands and clatters to the floor.

“Holy crap,” you breathe when you realize Namjoon is sitting on the floor next to his newly assembled bookshelf, an open box of books before him. He seems to be sorting them into piles before putting any on the shelf.

“Sorry,” he says, eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to--”

“No, you’re fine,” you assure him. “I’m just… a jumpy person. You’ll get used to it.”

You watch him sort books for a minute, then eye your own empty bookshelf, your boxes still closed on the ground next to it. You decide if it’s Bookshelf Hours, you might as well, right? You set your phone on the coffee table and settle in, opening your first box and starting to place books on the bottommost shelf.

“So,” you say, because it feels weird to be sitting four feet from your new roommate and not speaking, “Taehyung said you’re a grad student at the university?”

Namjoon nods wordlessly, eyes on the books he’s sorting. “Yep,” he says finally. “And you’re a senior?”

“Mhm,” you confirm. 

After that scintillating conversation, you both lapse into silence as you work. You continue like that for some time - long enough to reach the middle shelf - before you realize you hear your phone buzzing on the table. You stretch to reach for it, missing how Namjoon glances sideways at you, at how an inch of your stomach is revealed as you lean over. 

“Hi,” you say, pressing the phone to your ear.

“Took you long enough to answer,” Taehyung gripes.

“Sorry,” you say. “We were putting books away.”

Taehyung’s silence is just one beat too long. “We, huh?”

You laugh, once. “I mean? That’s what each of us is doing? So? Yeah?” From his spot a few feet away, Namjoon glances over his shoulder, frowning slightly.

“Anyway,” you say, “dinner? Do you want to come over?” 

“Yes,” he says decisively. “Order us something and I’ll head over?”

“Sure,” you say, already hanging up. You don’t need to ask what he wants; no matter where you order from, you know what he likes. 

“Do you want to order with us?” you ask Namjoon mildly as you scroll through the local delivery app. “I was thinking pizza.”

“Yeah,” Namjoon says slowly, like he was deep in thought and has to process what you’d said to him. “That would be nice. Thanks.”

The place you’d order from back when you lived in the dorms is actually closer to this apartment than campus, which is the most beautiful, serendipitous thing that’s ever happened in your life. You place the order for delivery and continue putting your books away. Once all the books are on shelves, you’re essentially done - finally, after two days - unpacking. 

This gives you exactly one whole day to relax before you have to start going to classes again.

Taehyung arrives before the pizza, knocking on the door in a silly rhythm. You pound back on your side of the door, echoing his rhythm, before opening it, greeting him with a big smile. You’d missed him; of course you had.

“Wow,” he says, genuinely impressed, as he peers around you. “It looks so much different in here.”

“Right?” you ask, filled with joy. Taehyung pokes his head into the kitchen, which is arguably the least “ready” room, as aside from putting your things into drawers and cupboards, neither you nor Namjoon had really done much to it. No hand-towels hanging by the sink, no magnets on the fridge, even the counters were empty, save for the two sets of keys resting there. Taehyung adds his own to the key pile and moves into the living room, which is much more impressive.

“Hey, man,” Namjoon says from the floor. It seems like he’s done sorting his books into piles and has started actually putting them on shelves now. “Looks good, right?”

“It does,” Taehyung answers from the doorway of Namjoon’s room, where he's peeking nosily. “The guys helped you?”

“Everyone except you and Jimin,” Namjoon says innocently. 

Taehyung smiles guiltily. “I helped Y/N the entire day before, just the two of us,” he argues. “And what about Hobi? He’s on--”

“--on vacation with his parents,” Namjoon finishes agreeably, “so he’s off the hook. Where was Jimin?”

“Where do you think Jimin was?” Taehyung scoffs, reaching down and touching the rug absently.

“Sleeping,” you and Namjoon say at the same time, both of your voices wry. You smile at him, and he looks away. 

The pizza arrives and you all sit around the coffee table to eat. Conversation flows better with Taehyung in the mix; he talks so much, it almost doesn’t matter if anyone else does. 

“I was thinking of making a list of things we need for the apartment that wouldn’t necessarily belong to either of us - cleaning supplies, stuff like that,” Namjoon says to you. “I thought I could buy it and we could split the cost?”

“Buy the cheap stuff,” Taehyung advises. “Y/N’s summer money is gonna go fast, especially the way she orders out instead of cooking.”

“Thank you, Taehyung,” you say flatly, shooting him a look. “I start work in like two days. I can handle it.”

After the pizza’s done, Namjoon goes back to working on his bookshelf, obviously wanting to clear the floorspace of his book piles sooner rather than later. You and Taehyung sprawl across the couch opposite each other, his feet resting near your elbow, both of you on your phones. 

You stay like that until nearly midnight, talking occasionally but mostly just happily coexisting in your own little bubbles. At some point, Namjoon finishes the bookshelf and wanders into his bedroom, pausing to look at you two on the couch before disappearing. He pushes his door almost shut, leaving it open a few inches. You hear the subtle sounds of music playing from behind the door, but not loud enough to discern what it is. 

Taehyung hugs you before leaving, and you snuggle into the embrace, body exhausted from the moving process. He rests his chin on top of your head, swaying you around a little bit. 

“Thanks for helping me,” you murmur into his chest. Sometimes the only time you can get Taehyung to be serious for a conversation is when you’re like this; in each other’s arms, your walls come down - in his case, deflecting with humor and sarcasm, brushing off everything like it’s a big joke. In yours, saying what you really mean, and not a more delicate version of it.

“You’re welcome,” he answers, squeezing you a little. “I’m glad everything worked out. It really does look good in here. And I think you guys will get along.” 

Once he leaves, you deadbolt the front door and head to the kitchen to wash the plates and cups you’d used for pizza. Behind you, you hear the squeak of door hinges, and Namjoon pads into the kitchen behind you. He pauses, scanning the cupboards.

“I don’t remember which one I put my cups in,” he laughs a little, and then starts opening each one until he finds what he needs. Once he has a glass, he rummages in the fridge, taking out a juice carton and filling his glass about halfway. You finish washing the last plate and turn the water off, rummaging through a drawer for a dish towel to dry everything.  

“So…” Namjoon says between sips of juice. “You two are pretty close, huh?”

“Yeah,” you say, shrugging easily. “He’s my best friend.”

Namjoon hums, nods, purses his lips thoughtfully. If you knew him better, you’d push - ask him what that face means, or why he’d asked in the first place. 

But, you don’t need to. You know already. You’re used to being interrogated by others about your relationship with Taehyung. Sometimes people are trying to see if you’re a threat in their quest to worm their way into Taehyung’s heart (or pants) - and in your own weird way, you kind of are, at least for the former. 

Taehyung definitely sleeps around, but he’s surprisingly tight-lipped with you about it. You’re not sure if he’s sparing you, or he’s actually just a gentleman. Could go either way. But when Taehyung considers dating someone - rare, to say the least - he always has you vet them first. You never like any of them, surprise surprise. 

You’re used to girls approaching you in bathrooms, sometimes aggressively, sometimes meekly, to ask if Taehyung’s your boyfriend. You’ve had girls come apologize, saying they “didn’t know about you”. Once you’d had a girl nearly shove you down a staircase for talking to “her man”, but luckily, said man was walking next to you and helped shut the whole thing down. (You two had had a serious talk after that one about communicating with his partners about his relationship status. Things have never gone that far again, to date.)

Less frequently, you’ll get asked about Taehyung by guys who are interested in you, who are trying to figure out how much of a lost cause it is. That one’s a little trickier. How do you tell the cute guy at the coffee shop that no, you’re not dating Taehyung, but you are secretly so in love with him that it really isn’t worth their time? 

Anyway, usually you just tell guys that you’re not dating Taehyung but that you’re not interested in dating anyone. It usually does the trick. It’s not that far from the truth, either.

That leaves the last category of people who ask about you two, and this is where you feel Namjoon falls: the people who watch your weird, boundary-pushing friendship and are just genuinely curious how it could possibly work. 

And you get it, you really do. You know how this looks from the outside. Hell, you’re sure that from the outside it’s fairly obvious how gone you are for him. Is it just as obvious to the outside that he sees you more like a sister than anything datable? 

Probably.

You’ve had friends ask you what keeps you around. You always say the same thing - regardless of your feelings for him, he’s also your absolute best friend.

Your friendship is precious to you, sacred. It sometimes feels like the only thing you have, in a life where you generally don’t have much. Your family is Lin - that’s it, end of the road. Your girlfriends are nice, but Penny was the closest you had and she’s across the country now. You only have Taehyung. And what you have with him, as special as it is, it’s also precarious. 

If you lose him, it isn’t just that you’ll lose him - and trust, that would be devastating - it’s also that you would be deeply alone. 

Finished with the dishes, you bid Namjoon goodnight and head back into your room for the night, planning to change into pajamas and wait for Taehyung to text you that he made it home safely, wait for Taehyung to text you goodnight. Namjoon murmurs goodnight, but you feel his calculating gaze on your back until you close your door softly behind you.

Next ->

Thank you so much for reading! I started writing this in August, it feels amazing to finally postttttt. Please consider some type of feedback - I'd love to hear anything you want to share! Section II will post on Friday, January 27th - hope to see you there!

[hellsbellschime]

A Brief Exploration Of How Generational Trauma Destroys The World

Although The Umbrella Academy is only two seasons deep, one thing about the family that serves as the focal point of this story seems abundantly clear. They are absolutely, abysmally awful at their jobs.

After the bizarre births of some seemingly extraordinary children, Sir Reginald Hargreeves set out to purchase as many of these oddities as possible with one singular purpose behind it in mind, using these exceptional kids to save the world. Although Reginald only managed to acquire seven of these baby flukes, each of the Hargreeves children were gifted with some extremely unusual superpowers that seem to set all of them up for a successful life as superheroes.

Reginald raised them with the most rigorous superhuman training that he could devise, and he explicitly intended for his children to save the world. However, after nearly two decades of training and experience, along with a few major bumps in the road, the vast majority of the Umbrella Academy decided to leave the life of the hero behind.

But despite the fact that the children were raised to save the world, it seems like they can't help but to end it. The family has been estranged for years, but now, over the course of two seasons, they've managed to end the world twice, and in both instances it was just mere days after reuniting as a family. So, why the hell do all of the Hargreeves kids suck at life so hard?

Although the Hargreeves clan is supposed to be a squad of superheroes, the reality of the situation is that they are truly just a group of neglected and traumatized children who are not equipped to deal with adulthood, and their lack of ability to cope seems to have catastrophic consequences for the rest of the world. However, each one of the children is dysfunctional in their own way.

LUTHER

Oh, Number 1. Luther is the assigned leader of the Umbrella Academy, but it's painfully, awkwardly obvious that Allison might be the only one to even possibly defer to Luther in an emergency situation.

It is very interesting though, that Reginald has made Luther his number 1. Clearly Luther doesn't have the necessary leadership skills to keep his siblings on task, but he also arguably has one of the least useful superpowers of the entire group. So then, why is it that he's number 1?

Well, the obvious answer seems to be that, while he is not the most powerful, he may be the most useful to Reginald, because he is the only one of Reginald's children who actually tows the company line. He's the only person who has truly committed his life to Reginald's failed experiment, so even if he's the least powerful, he provides the most utility to Reginald.

In Reginald's eyes it's easy to see why Luther may have been the most important, however through the eyes of a normal human being, it's easy to see why Luther's experience growing up in the Umbrella Academy and his experience as Number 1 was so psychologically damaging to him. Luther seems to go to great lengths to seek approval and love specifically from people who always deny him, and this self sabotaging behavior seems to be reflected in many of the largest and smallest aspects of Luther's life.

Luther shouldered a disproportionate amount of blame for ending the world in season 1. Yes, his actions did have the direst consequences that any actions can have, but it's not at all difficult to understand his train of thought.

Firstly, he's the only member of the Hargreeves family who has never been able to escape his abuser. Luther's entire self identity is designed around what Reginald has taught him, and his overly simplistic idea of what a hero is and how he needs to lead his family is one of the many ways in which Luther demonstrates that he truly has not experienced life outside of his abusive childhood.

Secondly, it should come as no surprise at all that Luther's first instinct on how to handle Vanya is to do exactly what Reginald would have done. Despite the fact that no one actually remembers Vanya being locked up, Luther's reaction to the threat that Vanya poses is astonishingly predictable given that he is built by Reginald's design, through and through.

But finally, while Luther's actions are obviously the incorrect ones, clearly his assumptions about the threat that Vanya posed were absolutely correct. There were very few reasonable courses of action when the family realized that Vanya not only had powers, but had become dangerously unstable surprisingly quickly. Luther did take the wrong course of action, but there was really nothing wrong with his thought process behind it, and ironically it was likely only Reginald's extended isolation of Vanya in her childhood that led to Luther's imprisonment of her in adulthood causing such apocalyptic consequences.

Although Luther is a product of his environment, it's clear that he takes his duties as a real life superhero seriously. And interestingly, even though he was the last child to extricate himself from Reginald (and he didn't extricate himself willingly), he has actually shown himself to be one of the most easily self-reflective and self-critical characters in season 2 of The Umbrella Academy.

Luther made an enormous mistake because he recognized that Vanya was a powder keg ready to explode, but the choices that he made actually caused that bomb to go off. When he sees Vanya again, it's understandable that his first instinct is to eliminate the threat at any cost. But after just a few moments of consideration, he takes responsibility for his own actions, he recognizes that he needs to change, and he acknowledges that Vanya deserves the opportunity to change as well. Ironically, one of his first choices as an individual that isn't directed and controlled by Reginald is exactly the kind of decision that a good leader would make, which really goes to show how much Reginald's influence has stifled Luther's growth as a person.

DIEGO

If you're not first, you're last. Despite the fact that Diego is outwardly the most resistant to the training and indoctrination that his abusive father foisted upon him, it seems like Diego's position as Number 2 is how he has defined himself for his entire life.

The effect that Reginald's abuse had seems to be the most obvious with Diego out of anyone in the family, because it controls every aspect of his being. Everything that Diego thinks, says, or does is in reaction to his realization and understanding that he was raised by an abusive monster, as well as his deep and unyielding desire to experience true parental love in a way that was always denied to him.

It's intriguing but understandable that, despite hating his father more than anyone, Diego wound up becoming his Number 2. Because although Diego seems to mold himself in a reactionary way against everything that his father taught him, he's still the most ardently heroic member of the family, even more so than Luther.

Interestingly, despite the fact that Diego appears to be the most aggressive and brash member of the family, it seems like whenver he makes an attempt to express any of his sincere or deep emotions, he has a lot of trouble doing so directly. Both in the literal sense, due to his stutter, but also in an emotional and psychological sense too.

Like many of the Hargreeves kids, Diego's form of dysfuction almost seems to be an extension of his own superpower. He can literally adjust the trajectory of flying objects when they're already in flight, and his life's obsession seems to be redirecting his heroic story arc in the direction that he wants to see it go instead of along the path that his father set out for him. However, it's still incredibly telling and meaningful that Diego still defines himself by the heroic archetype that his father forced on to him when he was a child.

Similarly, Diego seems to be equally conflicted in his feelings towards his siblings. He at times embraces them, at times resists them, and he always seems to want to redefine the relationships that they all have on his terms instead of his father's terms. And the fact that he is so ardent that they all be a part of Team Zero when he spent his entire life playing the role of Number Two just goes to show that while he seems to rebel against everything that Reginald forced upon him, he still defines himself, his family, and the world in the terms that the Hargreeves patriarch laid out for him.

ALLISON

On the surface it would seem like Allison is the Hargreeves sibling who has gotten the closest to achieving a relatively normal life and who is the most capable of relating to others on a more healthy and normal psychological level, but it's still clear that her power defines how she relates to people and relates to the world, whether or not she's actually using it at the time.

Clearly her relationship with Luther is her most important familial bond, and while she doesn't seem to share Luther's more romantic interest in her, she does seem to be very keen to lean in to the person that Luther sees her as. And it's an understandable impulse, since it would appear that she doesn't use her powers on Luther or anyone in her family besides Vanya, so he's one of the few people who's interpretation of her she can actually rely on to be truthful.

But even when Allison can't or won't use her superpowers, her attempts at relating to other people or to society at large seem to be mostly driven by a need to control, redirect, or otherwise influence their way of thinking, even if they're extremely resistant to it. Of course, this isn't an entirely uncommon behavior, and it is an attitude that can be enormously beneficial in some situations while enormously detrimental in others.

However, the damage that Reginald has done to Allison is readily apparent because, regardless of the fact that she has been able to form deeper and more complex interpersonal relationships than any of her siblings, she still has no understanding of how to relate to people outside of her power.

And why would she? Allison's constant attempts at creating a normal life that seem to inevitably fail are not just failures because she is a superhuman trying to live in a human world. It's because she never had a fully dimensional and fleshed out human experience as a child. She wasn't seen as a person, but as a power, so she only knows how to develop or maintain relationships in which she exercises some sort of psychological control over the people she is engaging with, regardless of whether or not she's actually using her power in order to do it.

KLAUS

Klaus is undeniably one of the most compelling characters in the entire series, and it's easy to see why his childhood trauma has resulted in such extreme behavior and personality traits in his adulthood.

Reginald is a parent who did an exceptionally poor job of socializing his own children in a way that would help them function in the real world, but that lack of appropriate parenting seems like it would have the most extreme impact on Klaus, because Klaus' power is inherently social.

Seeing ghosts would be terrifying for any child and pretty much any adult on earth, but for a child who has no idea how to interact or relate to others, it could be an utterly crippling ability to have.

It's clear that the ghosts that Klaus typically sees are spirits who have some sort of unfinished business left in the world. And not only would any child be astonishingly incompetent when it came to dealing with those kinds of emotionally and psychologically complex situations, but the fact that Klaus' father mostly psychologically neglected and occasionally outright terrorized him meant that he had a very mentally draining and damaging power and was given no tools or coping skills with which to deal with them.

More than any other member of the Hargreeves family, it is Klaus that does everything that he can in order to escape his power, which is ironic considering that it was the only characteristic that his father seemed to think was relevant about him.

But, Klaus' desire to dull his senses by any means necessary was a rational response from a poorly emotionally developed person that was stuck in an astoundingly bizarre and psychologically taxing situation. In a sense, none of the siblings were failed by Reginald quite as much as Klaus was.

And that is a truly tragic result of Klaus' exceptional abilities. It's very telling that Klaus seems to occupy some metaphysical space between life and death that allows him to commune with the dead, but he's also terrified of losing the ones that he loves to death.

If most people knew with any degree of certainty that the afterlife was real, let alone if they could actually commune with the dead, it would be a huge relief. But Klaus lied to Ben about going into the light because he was afraid to lose him, and he spent most of the second season doing whatever he could to save Dave from certain death. But why? Well, because his father made his own abilities, and the dead, into his source of constant terror.

FIVE

Interestingly, despite the fact that he spent the least amount of time with Reginald out of all of his siblings, it seems that Five's utilitarian attitude towards heroism mirrors his father's the most closely out of anyone. It's easy to see why that would be the case, but the fact that Five's reaction to the most extreme trauma that any of the Hargreeves kids have endured is to act more like Reginald than any of the other members of his family is a strong indication of how abuse and generational trauma can affect an individual as well as an entire family.

However, there is one stark difference between Five and Reginald. While Five has a very easy time grasping the greater good in any morally difficult situation, he still goes out of his way to prioritize the health, safety, or survival of his family whenever he can.

With all of the Hargreeves children, there is an element of conflict that arises from the fact that they were raised being told that they had to save humanity, but they were also raised in a way that completely disconnected them from humanity. And with no character is that conflict more apparent than with Five.

Five is ready and willing to sacrifice nearly anyone that he feels he must on the altar of the greater good, but his emotional connection to his family is extremely strong, and even in the most dire of circumstances it seems like he always keeps them as his priority.

It's an interesting dichotomy for the character, because the distance between him and the rest of his siblings is larger and longer, both literally and psychologically, than anyone else in the Hargreeves family, but he seems to be almost entirely oriented around his family at the expense of himself. And it's a sharp contrast with his father, his father seems to have reacted to world-ending trauma by ensuring he would have no familial bond with his children, but Five has reacted to it by holding on to his familial bonds as if they're the only thing in the world that matters.

Although the trauma that Five experienced in the post-apocalyptic world as well as during his tenure as a time-traveling assassin is probably far worse than the trauma that he experienced as a child being raised by Reginald Hargreeves, becoming the survivor of an apocalyptic holocaust led him to most clearly mirror and contrast the parent who spent his entire life raising him with the intent of preventing another apocalyptic holocaust.

BEN

Most of the Hargreeves siblings seem to have some sort of connection between their power and their personality, either because of nature or nuture, so it's fascinating that Ben seems to be diametrically opposed to his. His ability to summon and partially transform into some horrific Eldtritch creature seems to completely contrast to his innocent, sweet, and generally kind disposition. But why is that?

Ironically Ben seems to be the most well adjusted member of the Hargreeves family, and it's hard not to speculate that his maturity might actually be driven by the fact that he died young.

He was subjected to the abusive and neglectful parenting of Reginald just like the rest of his siblings, but through death he actually wound up escaping his abuser. So, while his literal growth came to an abrupt end, it seems like his personal growth may have actually begun.

On the one hand, it seems like Ben's behavior is an obvious signifier of the fact that his life stopped at a relatively young age, however, a lot of Ben's behavior and overall outlook on life seems to be exceptionally childlike, even for someone who died as a teenager. And that in combination with the fact that he seems to be so well adjusted in relation to his other family members begs the question of whether or not death finally allowed Ben to have the childhood that he deserved but never had.

Either way, it certainly says a lot that the two most well adjusted members of the Hargreeves family either spent most of their lives in an apocalyptic hellscape or literally dead.

VANYA

Poor Number 7. Being relegated to the least important member of your family is never an easy position to occupy for anyone, but it seems like Vanya is the purest and most clear manifestation of all of Reginald Hargreeves' failings as a parent and teacher.

There are a lot of curious complexities to Vanya, and it's obvious that having no real human parental influence is almost certainly why she became the most dangerous member of the Umbrella Academy despite not even using her powers for most of her life.

Reginald's fatal mistake with Vanya was his belief that constantly reminding her of how un-special she was would lead to her never becoming dangerous enough to do real damage to the world. But his assumption of what would be the best way to handle her seems to be based on an incorrect conclusion that Reginald drew based on Vanya's behavior towards her nannies.

It's quite an odd dynamic, because while Vanya seems to have extremely negative reactions towards the nannies that try to parent her, Vanya's behavior in general has demonstrated her to be an extremely emotional, empathetic, and kind individual who doesn't want to hurt anyone or anything. So why did she keep on lashing out at the women who were being hired to care for her?

Well, because she is someone who had never experienced a human parent-child dynamic, and therefore she lashed out emotionally when that dynamic was suddenly thrust upon her.

Vanya may have become dangerous after years of being horribly abused, but what's sad about the trajectory of her life is that she clearly had an abundance of emotion, much of it positive emotion, that she was desperate to express but couldn't.

Given that she has very quickly fallen in love twice over the course of two seasons, it's painfully obvious that she feels like she has a lot of love to give and no one to give it too, but it's also tragically clear that she doesn't know how to differentiate between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

Vanya dedicated her life to expressing herself through music, which is clearly deeply connected to the latent superpower that had been repressed for her entire life, but as a result of that enforced repression she even felt like a complete failure at that.

So, while everyone at the Umbrella Academy contributed to Vanya's meltdown in some way, the honest truth seems to be that nothing could have been done to prevent it. After a literal lifetime of total repression, abuse, and neglect, there was no other way for Vanya's abuse, or the abuse of all of the Hargreeves children, to end.

REGINALD

Of course, as the patriarch of the Hargreeves family, Reginald Hargreeves is truly the architect of his children's dysfunction. They all react to his neglect and abuse in their own way, but ironically the entire reason that the Umbrella Academy seems to repeatedly fail in it's sole mission is because of Reginald's single-minded focus on it. The Hargreeves children are doomed to destroy the world because all Reginald ever cared about was saving it.

Reginald is literally an alien, but the literal and metaphorical implications of a group of children who are raised in a world that separates them from their humanity is a rich textual and subtextual aspect of The Umbrella Academy.

Reginald himself is not a suitable parent to his children, but all of the outside influences that he allows on his children are literally not human either. Grace and Pogo provide some basic functional emotional satisfaction to the Hargreeves children, but they're still not people. They don't help the children to understand humanity or human existence any better, and they still serve to separate the Umbrella Academy from the very world that they're meant to protect.

On the whole, Reginald's abject failure as a parent, teacher, and creator is a fantastic allegory for the nature of generational trauma. Reginald is a failure as a parent for many reasons, but ultimately Reginald is a being who was extremely traumatized by the destruction of his own world, and as a parent, he passed that trauma down to his own children.

In that sense, the failure of The Umbrella Academy to live up to it's potential solely rests on the failings of Reginald himself.

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[dangermousie]

Prior to 2010 kdrama rec post

@walkwithheroes84 asked: “What are some dramas (Japanese, Taiwanese, Chinese, and/or Korean) that are older (pre-2010) that you wish more people would watch.”

Ooooh boy, we are gonna be here all day so I am just going to do Korea and save the rest for later. I had to really cull!

A Love to Kill (2005) - I own Japanese DVDs of this, I was so obsessed. A dark, intense melo in which Rain gets a job as a bodyguard to a rising young star played by Shin Minah. His plan is to seduce and wreck her to avenge his dead brother (who he believes killed himself after she heartlessly left him for fame), but he recons without his own impossible feelings for her or the extent of SMA’s internal damage. They remain one of the most impossible, messed-up, intense, doomed OTPs I’ve ever shipped. Stock tissues.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJox8iEcFMs

All In (2003) - he is a gangster, she is a nun. Have I gotten your attention yet? This was a huge hit and Lee Byung Hun and Song Hye Kyo are out of this world together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuVDFLOytQI

Beautiful Days (2001-2002) - a super classic, grown up melo about a plucky poor girl and a tortured workaholic and Choi Ji Woo and Lee Byung Hun set the screen on fire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3skKcivjJs

Capital Scandal (2007) - somehow both frothy and deeply emotional, this centers on freedom fighters and playboys and spies in 1930s Seoul. If you don’t love it, you have no heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN-0tERlaNM

Chuno/Slave Hunters (2009) - possibly my favorite sageuk (it’s a threeway tie atm), this story about an aristocrat turned slave hunter, a general turned slave, and a slave woman turned an aristocrat, all involved with rebellion, court secrets and sheer desperation of their lives is amazing. Beyond amazing. Jang Hyuk, Oh Ji Ho and Lee Da Hae are all on fire and if you ever watch only one sageuk, make it this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vAGdXpN6no

City Hall (2009) - Kim Sun Ah as a small town civil servant and Cha Seung Won as an amoral fixer for a powerful politician sparkle beyond words in the most grown up, smart kdrama romcom I have ever seen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLek2pnv8yY

Coffee Prince (2007) - Yoon Eun Hye is a woman dressing as a man, Gong Yoo as a man horrified to discover he likes her while thinking she is a boy. This was a mad hit for a reason.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKSupXmez5w

Damo (2003) - my first sageuk, this is as good as ever. Ha Ji Won is a police tea servant, a noble lady whose family was executed and she came down in the world; Lee Seo Jin as her noble superior who loves her silently. She infiltrates a conspiracy led by the charismatic, tortured Kim Mim Joon, and epic tragedy follows. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGkglLvjJ9k

Delightful Girl Chunhyang (2005) - back when Hong Sisters were consistently good, this is a modern take on the famous folk tale. Our heroine is a studious poor girl and our hero a ne’er-do-well son of a local prosecutor. There is arranged marriage, true love surviving some insane sacrifice, one of my all time favorite OTPs, and a heroine and hero that grow into people I was obsessed with. Confession time - I wrote fanfic for this drama!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kTGHJZIUvA

East of Eden (2008-2009) - a sprawling multigenerational epic they don’t make much of any more, this has its flaws but the plots and brotherhood and romances and the characters and the revenge are so worth it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6LBIo16-e8

Emperor of the Sea/Sea God (2004-2005) - a larger than life sageuk epic they don’t make any more. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j53vbAxW3d4

Family’s Honor (2008) - Kdrama does North and South. Our heroine is a widow from an aristocratic family, our hero is a noveau riche ruthless businessman who gets attracted to her. This is so so good!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrAMgTKg_As

Fashion 70s (2005) - period drama about a bunch of intense cool peeps, fashion and love. Just watch it. 

https://youtu.be/qly7vkFUv3g

Friend Our Legend (2009) - the most criminally underrated drama on this list, about a group of childhood friends turned gangsters and the tragic fall out.I want a rewatch rn tbh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJQx3tA5cGs

Goong (2005) - a giddily fun take on an alternate universe where an icy modern crown prince and a bubbly commoner have to get married.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAjz-5b4P6A

Green Rose (2005) - this tale of a man (Go Soo) trying to get revenge and get back to his love (Lee Da Hae) is a modern take on Monte Cristo and has one of my fave opening scenes ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epJt6jCIOlU

Hello My Teacher (2005) - Gong Yoo is a student in love with Gong Hyo Jin’s teacher.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNFoENWvEEk

Hong Gil Dong (2008) - starts out wacky, ends up by making me cry. A wonderful take on Korean Robin Hood and the OTP omg the OTP!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ingEOTBSnt0

IRIS (2009) - in the running for my favorite kdrama of all time, with definitely the most tortured hero, this starts out as a fun routine actioner until our hero’s life details in a horrifying fashion and even his attempts to right the world are doomed in this horrifyingly bleak, intense, romantic drama. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kesXxZOBzQ

Jumong (2006-2007) - the DADDY of all traditional sageuks, with insane ep count (81) and equally insane and deserved ratings. See our hero go from zero to hero and an awesome king.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILBnGNxtwXw

The Kingdom of the Winds (2008-2009) - Song Il Gook’s last sageuk (so far, though I don’t think he’s gonna bother to come back), a story about a cursed prince and his quest for love and throne, this is wonderful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1qfC0yFIf0

Last Scandal (2008) - they dated in high school. Now she is an exhausted ahjumma with a deadbeat husband and he is a huge star. A second chance romance that starts out hilarious but turns profound follows. One of my all time faves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zquHf8-p3ZU

The Legend (2007) - I’ve raved about it elsewhere; it is arguably my favorite sageuk of all time (or maybe even just plain fave kdrama), smart and passionate and hugely epic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=853sc-s2hHE

Lobbyist (2007) - one of the very few actioners I’ve ever liked, and with more whump than you can shake a stick at, Song Il Gook is a tough as nails international arms dealer with an even tougher OTP (JJY) and this is a heaven of plot and love and hurt/comfort.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8puRJNmey4

Loveholic (2005) - a student/teacher romance AND a story about a man going to jail to protect the woman he loves all rolled into one. What more could you want?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6nVH75IRCM

Lovers (2006) - if it’s a smart adult love story you want, come right in!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgpe4VkbtNk

Mawang/The Devil/Lucifer (2007) - meet possibly my n1 kdrama of all time. Haunted past, tragedy, revenge, complicated characters and plot. If there is a perfect kdrama, this is it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkn1KYaCjVk

My Girl (2005) - Lee Dong Wook and Lee Da Hae set the screen on fire in a romcom with hidden identities and plot twists. PS it is funny but when the drama starts, I literally bawled.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0jpSCN72Wg

One Fine Day (2006) - Sung Yuri and Gong Yoo in a lovely, angsty romance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVeUG5U3oCU

Piano (2001-2002) - this is like who is who before they got to be big stars - Go Soo and Kim Hae Neul are in love but can’t be together because they are stepsiblings, Jo In Sung is a young gangster, tragedy and melo all around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRG_4Uxl4Zo

Que Sera Sera (2007) - Eric and Jung Yumi play the ultimate dysfunctional couple. He uses his good looks to date rich generous women, she is a neighbor who is neither. Their levels of obsession with each other are insane.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4XqW14_A7k

Queen Seon Duk (2009) - want a female centric sageuk that is intense and epic and amazing? Look no further!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwIY4poVBNw

Resurrection (2005) - a tight, complex revenge thriller that more people should see.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_ZbmVAk8zQ

The Return of Iljimae/Moon River (2009) - Jung Il Woo’s debut, this is arguably my favorite take on Korean Robin Hood ever and except for Someday and Friend Our Legend, the most underrated drama on this list.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YjgmHVO3n0

Robber (2008) - Jang Hyuk and Lee Da Hae break my heart and then heal it in this intense story of a man preying on desperate women and a broken widow. Yes, it’s another two messed up people heal each other story. I love those!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDyy3UtUWeM

Romance (2002) - a teacher/student romance, with gorgeous young Kim Jae Won and Kim Ha Neul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LBs1tnc5Js

Sang Do, Let’s Go to School - Gong Hyo Jin is a teacher, Rain is a gigolo taking gigs to support his son; they used to be each other’s first loves. It’s wistful and slice of life and utterly tragic. Written by Lee Kyung Hee of the A Love to Kill and Thank You fame. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRg1q3RULWk

Save the Last Dance for Me (2004-2005) - I binged 17 episodes of this baby at a go, a record that has not yet been surpassed. Ji Sung is a rich man who is in an accident and gets amnesia, being cared for and falling for Eugene. However when he recovers his memory and forgets his amnesia time - he will end up meeting her again and falling for her all over again (hilariously, his RL wife Lee Bo Young plays the psycho secondary girl in this.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekfBrvJil8c

Say You Love Me (2004) - a much better attempt at Dangerous Liasons than the wretched Tempted. Kim Rae Won and Yoon So Yi, naive and tragic young lovers, come across a pair of jaded sophisticates; the female half of whom is intrigued by the fresh faced KRW and envious of uncomplicated young love and asks her partner to take YSI away from KRW for kicks. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niL2WJ_oAIU

Seoul 1945 (2006) - from WW2 to the Korean war, this is intense and smart and pulls no punches.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYsotv2rFQI

Shining Inheritance/Brilliant Legacy (2009) - Han Hyo Joo is a young woman tormented by her family; Lee Seung Gi is a spoiled rich boy who needs to grow up. I was obsessed with this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_sWhVZA3DY

Snow Queen (2006-2007) - Hyun Bin and Sung Yuri do a tragic romance melo right. He is a poor, smart kid, she is a brittle rich girl with a terminal illness. It hurts so good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEkAbJLYVpk

Someday (2006) - a sheltered cartoonist suffering from a writer’s block meets a sort-of small time private detective. They are both haunted by their pasts but find hope and healing with each other. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLVijs891dw

Spring Day (2005) - a very solid melo where Jo In Sung ends up stealing the girl from the original leading man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps7l27OBnVQ

Spring Waltz (2006) - the last and, imo, best of the seasons dramas, possibly in my all time top 10 kdramas, it follows a haunted young pianist and his OTP and their shared tragic past and hope for the future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IGO0DST8dk

Swallow the Sun (2009) - Ji Sung as the haunted mercenary wanting revenge on his father, Sung Yuri as his tough, common-sense girlfriend, one of my fave secondary OTPs (mercenary x stripper) etc etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C51efR5Iq5I

Thank You (2007) - Gong Hyo Jin is an island woman living with the stigma and agony of having an HIV positive child. Jang Hyuk is a surgeon haunted by the death of his girlfriend. Two lost souls find and heal each other in one of my all time favorites.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVk1TjvZZOw

Time Between Dog and Wolf (2007) - Lee Jun Ki is tortured a lot on his path to revenge and love. I loooove this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v24-57tLFH4

Tree of Heaven (2006) - only ten eps but bring your tissues for this tender and tragic and gorgeous love story between Park Shin Hye and Lee Wan, stepsiblings for a brief time; they reconnect when she’s a cleaner and he’s a gangster. I was sooooo obsessed with it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnAZlXZjFcw

What Happened in Bali (2005) - Ha Ji Won, Jo In Sung and So Ji Sub are a trio of desperately damaged people entangled with each other in what is probably still the darkest melo I have seen out of Korea. Money grubbing poor woman played by HJW, high-strung, abused rich son played by JIS, or a cold, ambitious man on the rise SJS - pick any of them, there is enough damage to level a city.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKHcYvK5qZM

Will It Snow for Christmas (2009) - a melodrama with Go Soo and Han Ye Seul by Lee Kyung Hee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvQ14gtCqvw

Worlds Within/The World That They Live In (2008) - the last candidate for my n1 kdrama of all time. By Noh Hee Kyung, with seemingly mundane lives of TV station personnel. But every character is someone you feel you know and Hyun Bin and Song Hye Kyo are both real and unreal as the OTP.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBHrjZ8T6a4

Congrats if you made it to the end!

[justasparkwritings]

Illicit Affairs: Show Their Truth

Previous: A Million Little Times

Pairings: None

Genre: Angst

Ratings: PG17

Word Count: 2.5K

Warnings: Manipulation, Abuse of Power, Swearing, Negotiations and Contracts, Plans for Rehab, Interventions

Summary: The Hyung Line breaks down the reality of BTS’ situation, and the group plans what to do about “the problem with Jungkook”. 

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

          The six men shuffled into the dining room, prepared to discuss the new terms for their contract, their next seven-year sentence, one for each circle of hell Bang intended on making them go through.

           “What happens if we win a Grammy, or an Oscar?” Namjoon asked the men, Yoongi and Seokjin already having a sense of where this was going.

           “We win!” Jimin said.

           “That would be so cool, Oscar winners, BTS,” Ho-Seok said laughing.

           “No, I mean, contractually, do you know what happens?” Namjoon clarified.

           “Yes, we get the award,” Taehyung said, looking at the other members to see if they were as confused as he was.

           “Right, as a band, but Big Hit’s names are what will be on it, they’ll each get their own statue, and we won’t have anything, technically,” Namjoon stated, punctuating each word.

           “Technically?” Hoseok asked.

           “The people named on the physical award are the group, but the only people who get credit are the writers and producers… Hypothetically, I’ll have credit, or Yoongi and I will, but the rest of you wouldn’t,” Namjoon tried to lay it out in the clearest terms possible.

           “We wouldn’t?” Jimin asked.

           “Take Map of the Soul 7, if we had won a Grammy for it, none of us would’ve seen it,” Namjoon clarified.

           “Why not?” Taehyung asked indignantly.

           “We didn’t write or produce it, depending on the category we won in, we would never see it.” Yoongi chimed in.

           “But we did the work!” Jimin yelled.

           “That’s why The 1975 is credited on everything as a collective group, so that if they win anything, they all get the rewards… In our contract it states that we don’t own anything, and we don’t produce enough to get credit on anything, so we would see nothing unless we produced it, like we did with BE, but we didn’t win anything for BE.” Namjoon tried to gage their reactions, utter shock and anger dominating the room.              

           “Who owns our music?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “Bang and Big Hit outright own everything we’ve ever made, solo work or group,” Seokjin said.  

           “What?” Jimin yelled.

           “It specifically states that they do in our contracts,” Yoongi said.

           “So, Bang owns it?” Ho-Seok repeated.

           “My assumption is Big Hit, Bang, and their shareholders,” Namjoon nodded.

           “What does that mean?” Taehyung asked.

           “It means that if we break up, they can continue to earn revenue from our music, put out compilations, remix or remaster, let artists sample it, without our permission or consent.” Yoongi explained.

           “What?” Jimin yelled again.

           “Aye, stop yelling,” Yoongi snipped.

           “We get nothing?” Taehyung repeated.  

           “What does our contract say?” Jimin turned to Namjoon, eyes wide.

           “We’re fucked,” Yoongi said.

           “Part of what is in our new contracts is a clause that everything we create belongs to Big Hit, in perpetuity,” Namjoon said slowly.

           “In what?” Jimin had never heard the phrase.

           “Forever,” Yoongi said.

           “What?” Jimin couldn’t keep it in. He was livid. “They own everything?”

           “Yes, that’s the first problem,” Seokjin said.

           “The first?” Taehyung said, still in shock.

           “They’ve put in a new clause about who we can’t date,” Yoongi said, trying to take the pressure off of Namjoon.

           “Oh?” Jimin asked, “Another rule about our nonexistent love lives?”

           “It says that you can’t date anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, any fraternizing is strictly prohibited,” Seokjin said. The six of them exchanged glances, the spoken and unspoken resting between them.

           “I thought after you and Y/N had made it, they were going to give us a try?” Taehyung asked.

           “I don’t know,” Namjoon said defensively.

           “What else?” Jimin asked.

           “If a scandal breaks, we’re responsible for paying to have it scrubbed from the media,”

           “That seems fair,” Taehyung shrugged.

           “The percentage of what we write and produce in order to gain credit has gone up,”

           “And so has the amount of V Live time we do,”

           “Ah, that comes with a cash incentive,” Jin said smiling, a poor attempt at lightening the mood. No one laughed.

           “We spoke to independent lawyers, and unfortunately, the contract is pretty airtight. They said we can counter with a few minor changes, offer a few different solutions, but other than that, if we sign it, we’re stuck.” Namjoon informed them.  

           “Is there an option to not sign it?” Taehyung asked.

           “Yes, but we can’t make music until after each of us has served,” Namjoon said. It was a condition buried deep within their contract, one that he’d never thought much of, never realizing that he’d eventually want to get out of Big Hit’s suffocating embrace.

           “So, we sign it, or we find other careers for the next decade?” Ho-Seok probed.

           “Yes,” Seokjin, Yoongi and Namjoon replied, glancing at each other at the rare moment of harmony.

           “The other issue we need to discuss, is Jungkook,” Seokjin said, willingly changing the subject.

           “Ah, the problem with Jungkook, rearing its ugly head once again,” Yoongi said bitterly.  

“I don’t know what to do,” Jimin said.

           “He’s in his own head,” Taehyung said, “I don’t know how to reach him.”

           “Why isn’t he here?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “I don’t know,” Yoongi whispered.

           “What does Bang say we do?” Ho-Seok queried.

           “Well, that’s part of the problem,” Yoongi muttered.

           “He wants me, the Hyung Line and me, to fix it,” Namjoon offered.

           The Maknae Line was known for often being confused, for obeying their hyungs and frequently being lost in the shuffle. Their discernable qualities were often boiled down to superficial labels, ignoring their raw talent and honed gifts. Together they were a strong unit of lovable goofballs, with sex appeal in spades. But Jimin’s confusion fed Taehyung’s, which made Ho-Seok question himself, and encouraged Jungkook to go with the flow instead of employing his own thought process. Together, they bickered and loved harder than anyone could imagine. They were a unit, dysfunctional, but they were the most integral parts of BTS.

          Being a unit meant that Taehyung and Jimin spent the most time with Jungkook and had seen his drinking up close. It had been a slow progression, his excitement about turning the legal age in Korea, coupled with being of age in the states and essentially, the entire world, manifested in a habit he couldn’t kick. How could he? He was now free to have a beer with his hyungs after a show or at dinner, and he loved it. He loved being able to experience this with them, to share when they went out, to kick back at home. Jungkook developed his own tastes, what type of red wine he liked, what kind of hard liquor he wanted to nurse, if he liked it on the rocks or not… He could pass it off as trying to understand alcohol and all its complexities, a mixologist in the making, a connoisseur of spirits.

           The six members couldn’t pinpoint exactly when his drinking started becoming a problem, their best guess was sometime after turning 22. It was then that they began to see the shift from Jungkook the baby, to Jungkook the man. He started drinking more, more frequently, larger quantities, different hours of the day … Everything in abundance.

           The consummate professional, he never let it interfere with work, and would sweat out the hangover at the gym before throwing down in a performance. In the beginning, he was sneakier, hiding it from the members with ease. As he got older, as it got worse, his ability to hide bottles clanging or shots taken from them became more and more challenging. They didn’t know how long the addiction had been raging, which concerned them the longer it went on.

           They knew it was bad when Jungkook started lying to them and sneaking around in public. No longer open and brazen with his penchant for well-aged liquors, opting instead for whatever he could pay with in cash, in a dive bar outside the city. He didn’t savor and sip, he chugged and got wasted. There were moments when they saw the old Jungkook, the one just starting out, savoring every drop knowing it was sacred. It didn’t happen often.

           “Does he need to go to rehab?” Taehyung whispered, asking the question everyone had been too scared to ask.

           “When we go to military service, it’ll be a slow roll out. Jin-hyung and Yoongi-hyung will go first, followed by the 94s, which gives us a little time to figure out what to do… But when we go,” Namjoon motioned to Ho-Seok, “You will be alone, the Maknae Line, until Jin and Yoongi are ready to return, and you will have to handle this.”

           “Send him to rehab,” Yoongi said, face blank.

           “He won’t go,” Jimin said.

           “So, he kills himself? Another K-Pop star slain at their own hand?” Yoongi asked bitterly.

           “Or he leaves the group,” Jin said.

           “He can’t, not if he’s signed his contract,” Jimin said, looking to Namjoon to assure his assumption was correct.

           “Can we force him?” Taehyung asked.

           “No,” Jin replied.

           “Why is he drinking anyway?” Ho-Seok asked. “Is that a dumb question?”

           “I don’t know,” Jin said.

           “And yes, it’s a dumb question,” Yoongi answered.

           “I,” Namjoon sighed. “I’ve been having meetings with management, and they think he wasn’t raised well enough, that his youthful rebellions are not growing pains, but general disdain for the values of Big Hit.”

           “That seems like a far stretch?” Taehyung said.

           “I think he’s angry that he signed his life away, and is looking at a bleak future,” Yoongi said.

           “Youthful rebellions? More than his tattoos?” Ho-Seok asked.

           “Scandals that have been reported but not confirmed,” Namjoon was filling in the blanks, wasn’t that what he’d always been doing?

           “Drinking,” Jimin said.

           “The general lack of enthusiasm for filming anything,” Namjoon added.

           “Don’t you think it’s weird that we’re grown men, playing games for shit we can already buy?” Jimin asked.

           “Y/N asked me that a few weeks ago, and yeah, it’s fucking weird,” Namjoon said.

           “They bribe us so they can film content to keep ARMY engaged,” Yoongi said.

           “Jungkook hates it,” Ho-Seok replied.

           “The fact that anyone hates it more than me is implausible,” Yoongi muttered.

           “All of these things, when looked at under a microscope, paint the picture that Jungkook is,” Namjoon started.

           “Tarnishing the good name of Big Hit?” Jimin filled in.

           “Correct,” Jin said.

           “Who’s supposed to stop him?” Taehyung asked.

           “We are,” Jin said, stepping in for Namjoon. “Namjoonie’s carried the weight of this for a decade, and it’s time we all start pitching in,”

           “Isn’t Jungkook supposed to carry his own load?” Taehyung wondered.

           “How’s he doing with that?” Yoongi snipped.

           “Point taken,” Taehyung bowed his head.

           “What do we do?” Jimin asked, bringing everyone back on track.

           “Intervention?” Jin offered.

           “Drop him off at therapy?” Taehyung posed.

           “He’s only going to get better if he wants to, when he’s hit rock bottom,” Yoongi informed them.

           “Can we nudge him along?” Jimin asked, trying to find the fastest route to a positive change.

           “Purposefully make him think he’s fucked up, scare him into getting sober?” Yoongi questioned.

           “That’s diabolical,” Taehyung said.

           “Would it work?” Yoongi asked.

           “No, we can’t, he already hates-

           “He doesn’t hate you, hyung,” Taehyung said.

           “He blames me, for everything. His loss of innocence, for growing up so fast, his lack of identity and understanding of who he is… That he can’t love anyone, that everyone views him as the sexy one but doesn’t see any other side of him, for how overbearing management is… Every shortcoming is my fault,” Namjoon was trying not to cry, not again. No more tears over Jungkook.

           The Maknae line sat staring.

           “Why isn’t he mad at Bang? It’s more his fault than yours,” Jimin queried.

           “I’m the one he saw every day, who made sure he did his work, I got him to sign,” Namjoon answered.

           “You’re the one that’s secretly been parenting him for a decade,” Jin said. “I was clearly trying to raise him, but you? You did it in secret.”

           “In secret?” Taehyung asked.

           “I was, instructed, taught, guided, on what to do to help raise Jungkook,” Namjoon said.

           “Into what?” Taehyung was still confused.

           “Into a man, into a better musician, into the Golden Maknae,”

           “Were you monitoring his food or exercise?” Jimin asked.

           “No, not really, the trainers did that… I’ve mostly been encouraging good behaviors that would become habits,” Namjoon replied.

           “How come you never addressed the lisp?” Yoongi wondered, always the fan of bringing in random tidbits.

           “There’s not much you can do about the lisp, and it doesn’t come out when he sings.” Ho-Seok answered, looking at Yoongi. “It’s endearing.”

           “Not to stray off topic, but what do we do? Does he know?” Jimin continued to bring them back on track.

          “Know?” Ho-Seok asked.

          “About your clandestine meetings and ‘guidance’ which sounds more like a cult leader and less like a bandmate,” Jimin pressed.

          “He doesn’t, as far as I know, he doesn’t know about any of it,”

          “How’d you do it?” Taehyung asked, voice hushed in the chaos.

          Namjoon inhaled slowly before looking at his chosen family.

          “Little things like taking him to the gym or saying positives about whatever health juice I was drinking, I wanted him to imitate my behaviors, to copy them until it became rote. Until he didn’t know where the idea came from. It got more, elaborate as he got older… leaving articles behind, or quoting something I knew he’d ask about… dropping breadcrumbs for him to pick up.”

          Namjoon was embarrassed, ashamed by the way he’d conducted himself. He didn’t tell them about the times Bang had asked him to put supplements in JK’s water, or to swap out a pair of pants for ones slightly smaller to make the Golden Maknae feel insecure and fat, forcing him to work out relentlessly. He didn’t bring up the phrases he’d repeated, the little words of affirmation that he’d sprinkled into daily conversation, encouraging Jungkook to become obsessive in his habits. Namjoon could never admit to the hell Bang had put him through during Jungkook’s first few years, the drive he’d instilled in Namjoon to push Jungkook to his breaking point. He’d only let up when JK turned 21, when Bang felt like the transformation was complete.

          Namjoon would never admit he blackmailed, dosed, and destroyed little parts of Jungkook so Bang could fill them with who he wanted him to be. Jungkook was right to hate him, the parking lot meetings and notebooks he’d filled with his covert plans, in the wrong hands, would destroy BTS and Big Hit. No one would be safe.

          The men dispersed, some to their apartments, others to the kitchen, and Namjoon to the living room to start a movie. They’d have to talk to Jungkook in the morning. They’d have to write their counter offers for Bang and the Big Hit lawyers. They’d have to try and find a solution so that after a decade of intermittent service, something of their time in BTS remained, and their futures could continue.

Next: Mercurial High

[writeradamanteve]

what is The Umbrella Academy? Should I watch it?

YES.  

To quote its description in Wikipedia:

“On October 1, 1989, 43 women around the world give birth simultaneously, despite none of them showing any sign of pregnancy until labor began. Seven of the children are adopted by eccentric billionaire Sir Reginald Hargreeves, and turned into a superhero team that he calls "The Umbrella Academy." Hargreeves gives the children numbers rather than names, but they eventually are named by their nanny robot-mother, Grace, as: Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, Number Five (his only name), Ben, and Vanya.[1] While putting six of his children to work fighting crime, Reginald keeps Vanya apart from her siblings' activities, as she supposedly demonstrates no powers of her own.In the present day, Luther is a part ape who lived on the moon for four years, Allison is a famous actress, Vanya is a violinist, Klaus has a drug addiction, Ben, now deceased, is a ghost able to converse only with Klaus, and Diego has become a vigilante with a penchant for trouble. The estranged siblings learn that Reginald has died and gather for his funeral. Number Five returns from the future, chased by vigilantes, and reveals that a global apocalypse is imminent. Meanwhile, the reunited siblings try to uncover the secret of their dysfunctional family while beginning to come apart due to their divergent personalities and abilities.“

The first season starts off pretty slow and I have to admit that those first few minutes in the narration felt so isolating. It kind of drops you right in the middle of this universe where you feel rather confused, in spite of the fact that the story is actually telling you about this kind of “placeholder” beginning. 

I call it a “placeholder” because, while it tells you how the characters came into the world, it doesn’t really explain much.  But once you get through that narration, it really begins to delve on the characters. 

I think that’s what I love most about this series. It’s a study of all these characters as the events unfold.  

I have to admit that a lot of my initial disinterest came from my general confusion of this universe. Like i was watching it all happen but I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but while it probably would have sat better for me if I read the comics, I can absolutely, and totally confirm that you can enjoy this series without having that comics background. It just takes a bit of patience.

The answers unfold, maybe slowly, but it’s awesome, and while there are time jumps, it’s not impossible to keep track of. I personally did not find the time-paradoxes in this series annoying.

I enjoyed season 1, but I REALLY enjoyed season 2. Like, A LOT.  

There’s a character for everybody to love (and hate), but as I’ve said multiple times, I adore all of them, even the annoying ones. 

Klaus is just--I can’t even explain to you what my love and adoration is for Klaus. He is incredibly, frustratingly flawed, but he is so deeply good, even in his selfishness and narcissism, that I just--I can’t even explain it fully. He’s amazing, and funny, and selfish, and traumatized, and a complete mess. I relate to him so completely. 

Allison is my second favorite. She is powerful, and kind, and burdened by her own self-examination, that I’m like, “Oh, honey. Give yourself a break! You are such a good person!” She is such a lovely character. I would worship her, truly. I’d be so starry eyed with adoration and longing--I feel like she is the heart of this group.

Against my better judgment, I love Five next. What a dip shit. What an asshole. Bossy as hell. Condescending and weird. And if he didn’t come in this little package of cute shorts and prep-school blazer, I think I might have loathed him completely. But he’s a complex character, full of cold calculation but so capable of doing the right thing. 

I couldn’t really connect much with Diego and Luther much in the first season, but they are still compelling characters. People seem to hate Luther, but I don’t think I ever hated him. He comes off as a bit of a prick at first, then he sort of softens as the series goes on. Diego’s so serious, and my favorite descriptor of him comes in Season 2, where Five says, “Think of Batman, then aim lower.” That is Diego DISTILLED to his essence. 

Vanya does come off as very relatable through most of this, and maybe that was the point of her. The story of her unfolds wonderfully. So, so fitting and makes so much sense.  It’s brilliant! 

Ben is also great, but he’s more fully formed as a character in season 2. Amazing, amazing foil, though.  

Like I said, I adore the rest of the them. All the characters. Every single one--even the antagonists (I call them that instead of villains because really, it’s a matter of POV in this universe), the Handler, Hazel, Cha Cha, and all the others that came around.  

You find the answers, eventually, but then you get left with this cliffie, and all you can do is be glad Season 2 is available. 

So, check it out. Let me know. If you don’t like it, that’s totally fine. Some viewers just wouldn’t like it, I’m sure, and that’s completely understandable. 

But if you do, holler, and we’ll have long discussions about it!

[theschizoidblog]

Getting diagnosed

Blog 1: 19/05/2020

I started therapy on the 23d of July 2019. I was 35 years old at the time, and I had decided to go into therapy for the following reasons:

I felt permanently exhausted

I felt like somewhere during my adult years I had slipped into a depression I’d never gotten out of and I wanted to feel happier in life than I did at that time

executive dysfunction - I still need regular help from my mom to keep my household in order

I lacked any and all ambition to do anything with my life

I had begun to suffer from anxiety and sometimes tiny anger outbursts which were occuring more often than before, which was a sign to me something was wrong and only getting worse as I aged. 

I had tried seeing a psychologist when I was 30. It was a man who I disliked so much that after 2 sessions, I ghosted him. I could go into more details, but let’s just say he was not a match for me.

It took me five years before I gathered enough energy and courage to try again. In a way, Tony Atwood helped. I’d stumbled across his videos on Aspergers in women and I’d begun to think that maybe it was Aspergers then. The above symptoms would not be misplaced in a women my age with Asperger - and it was until I got my diagnosis two weeks ago, on the 8th of May, that I was bracing myself for an Asperger diagnosis. 

When it turned out to be Schizoid Personality Disorder, I was like: “I’m a what now?”

But kudos to Tony Atwood’s videos for at least encouraging me to seek help and to approach a possible diagnosis with optimism. Even if it’s not Aspergers, I needed that little push in the back. 

Why did it take from July to May to get a diagnosis?

Something which may be atypical for someone with Aspergers or SPD, is that I am rather open when asked questions, and I can’t give short answers to complex questions. 

The first sessions were about painting a picture of the people in my life - my parents, my sister, her husband, their kid, other important figures in my life like my grandparents, the sort of household I’d grown up in - were my parents constantly fighting (quite the opposite) or did I suffer abuse (no), stuff like that. 

They also asked a lot about friends. Did I have a lot of friends as a kid, was I bullied, who were my friends now, had I kept my friends from when I was younger (definitely not).  

What about my job and hobbies, what jobs had I taken, what education had I had. She wanted to know when I moved out of my parents place (when I was 25), if I’d had many romantic relationships (none longer than about 8 months).  

It took months to get through all that personal information. In sessions of 1 hour (which are sooner sessions of 45 minutes than a full hour) it’s hard to paint the complete picture. Sometimes I went twice a month, sometimes I skipped a month due to the full agenda of my psychologist, but on average I went once a month. 

Then after that, this was already in 2020 I think, we started an autism questionnaire, to determine whether I was on the autism spectrum scale (which seemed likely due to the problems I’d mentioned). The psychologist also invited my mother for one session, where she asked questions about my childhood. 

“Did Jessie have a lot of friends?”  “Yes, she always had friends over.”  “Yes, mom, but that’s because you arranged the play dates with the other moms - I didn’t always have a lot to say about it.”  “I guess that’s true - you did always enjoy playing on your own. One party, a mom told me that all the kids were playing in the garden and you’d gone inside to play alone with some of the toys - not bothering with the other kids.”  My mom remembered that as being odd. I’m far from surprised by that. 

After the interview with my mother, I also answered a questionaire about other personality disorders. This is where questions were asked to determine if I had, for example, borderline or schizofrenia or bipolar disorder etc. It was to check if any of the disorders on the DSM-5 applied to me. 

And so after about 2-3 sessions of answering those questions, I finally got my diagnosis last session. It was during the last five minutes or so of the session, I was like “and, and, what is it? what have I got?”

I felt numb when she told me what it was - also because I did not understand. I had *never* heard of schizoid personality disorder. And in five minutes, she didn’t have the time to fully explain it to me either. And since I was a little numb from the news, I don’t think I retained the information she gave me as well as I otherwise would have.

She explained that while it’s called a disorder, she is not fond of the word ‘disorder’. She also told me it’s something hermits and loners often are, which made sense to me. She told me that schizoids don’t mind being alone and often prefer it, and once again that struck true. 

I also asked why it wasn’t autism then, to which she briefly replied that in my childhood, I did not seem to have difficulty with learning social behaviors. 

Next session, I will receive more information from her on the schizoid personality disorder, abbreviated as SPD, and possibly we’ll also check on differences with Aspergers, just cause I am terribly curious about that and will ask for it. 

It’s still a week or two until my next session - and in the meanwhile, I’ve looked for more info online. I’ve read the wiki, then continued on other articles online and found a few Facebook groups to join. The more I read about it, the more I’m seeing myself in stories of others. 

I’m no longer numb from the diagnosis - but it did take me a day where I was exhausted, cried a bit, lay in bed, before I was like “okay this ain’t bad at all!” 

I plan to continue this blog to describe things I learn about myself, to report on my “treatment”, to report on schizoids in modern-day society and to shine a light on what it is to be a schizoid woman. 

If you think: “Oh, could I be a schizoid?” - I honestly can’t tell you. Nor are there online internet tests that will give you a conclusive answer to that question. I do recommend seeing a psychologist for that - but it might be harder than ever to get on a waiting list. With the Corona crisis most psychologists have their hands full these days, due to all the mental problems the neurotypicals are going through as a result of the lockdowns. 

If you are a schizoid who lives alone and are now allowed to work fulltime from home for the first time in your life, you might feel like I do: that this lockdown is the best thing that ever happened to you. My anxieties are practically gone, while the anxieties of neurotypicals skyrocket. 

[binaural-histolog]

Interview with Wiseguy at Mindquake 2018

binaural-histolog: So how did all this get started?

WiseGuy: That's a big question.

BH: Okay, let me back up. So it used to be a very small scene. Brian David Phillips was doing things on Yahoo, and there was hypnovideo, the Maestro, etc. And then at some point it got too big to track. What happened?

WG: Well, the first thing I went to was probably 2007-2008, which was Hypnoticon. There was another conference, Hypnocon, that has been going on for like 15 years or so, but it's always been exclusive to the gay men's community so the rest of us didn't know about it.

At that time, I was a fiction writer. I posted on mcstories.com. And when I got there, it was a big surprise how many people read my stories, because if something is really popular, you'll get two, maybe three emails if you're lucky. There's no reddit or like button. There's no feedback. Simon keeps everything minimal and pure. He'll publish anything with very few exceptions, and he'll do no editing on it. It's his... what's the word? It's his aesthetic. And then suddenly you get all these people coming up and they know you and they like your stuff.

So Hypnoticon was a big success, and Mephki and Buddy [DrSlashBlight] got the idea of putting a convention together. Buddy was the face, and Mephki was the brains, the organizer. Buddy had this tremendous skill of being able to stand in the middle of the room and say "Guys, this is what we're going to do and it's going to be great and you're going to love it." And Mephki pulled everyone together and made it all happen. That was NEEHU, 2009. Mephki and Buddy had the New England Hypnosis Group, and there was a recreational hypnosis group next door, and they knew Lady Ru'etha, and she said come to this thing, and that was NEEHU 1. It was a single day. I sat in a couple of panels, talking about erotic hypnosis.

It was literally an unconference and a play party at night, in a not so great part of town. I was surprised that we didn't get in trouble with the police, and we realized later that the illegal police biker bar was next door, so the police weren't going to interfere with any disturbances around that area.

So NEEHU got bigger and bigger, and these groups all started to meet up, and so the people that were already into this found out about it. There were some things independent of NEEHU. Lee Allure and MrDream had their own thing that they run, DeepMindDarkwood. It's a camp, they keep it limited down to 45 people and that's it. But there were more people that wanted to join. Kansas City and Texas had a bunch of stuff happen. Black Rock City. And now there's five things happening yearly, and meetup groups throughout the country.

BH: Do you think there's a reason why everything started to come together in 2008?

Yes and no. All the elements were there, it could have happened earlier or later. But all the right things had to happen in the right order. NEEHU really needed Mephki and Buddy to kick it off, and there needed to be enough meetups and enough groups to keep it going. And there was a lot of learning in the community.

BH: What has the community learned?

WG: Oh, so much. In the beginning, informed consent was not a thing. If you were at a conference, it was assumed that you were consenting. You'd walk up to someone in the hallway, say "wanna see something cool?" and if they said yeah, you'd drop them. That's just... you can't do that now. It's not acceptable.

Safety and ethics was not a thing. There was a talk in NEEHU that was literally "Why do we need ethics?" And that's changed so much now. Safety and ethics are the first thing you learn, and every conference has a code of conduct.

BH: What do you think the community still has to learn?

WG: We still have to learn how to handle our shit properly.

We know how to handle the people who are clueless. We know how to handle the people who are obviously bad. We still have to figure out how to handle the people who are predators, the truly manipulative people. They'll pick their targets carefully, and it'll be someone who is new, and it happens alone in a room. There's no way to know what happened. It's one person's word against another. And it may not even be deception, they may believe their version of events completely. Belief is different from reality. These people will have friends, they have defenders, they'll say all the right things. So it's hard. There may not be a good answer.

BH: I remember reading a book on abuse called Why Does He Do That, and realizing I'd met abusers and seen them operate, and still hadn't put it all together. It is hard. On the other hand, I was encouraged by Divney's discussion about always believing the accuser by default.

WG: It's more complex than a single answer, though. I don't have a problem with BEHIVE's policy in their application, but my concern is that it doesn't scale well to larger events where the stakes are a lot higher than being banned from a local munch.

Mephki: This isn't a legal argument though. There's no standard beyond a reasonable doubt. It's a private party you can't go to, not going to jail or having your children taken away from you.

WG: Agreed, but it's still damage. It's something we haven't figured out yet.

[Much discussion ensues, in which everyone in the room weighs in. Everyone has cogent and nuanced arguments that I could not write notes on fast enough.]

BH: What's really impressed you lately? What's improved in the community that you didn't predict?

WG: Oh! Standards have evolved so much. There are so many bright young voices. Our representation has improved so much. There used to be a joke when you got out of a conference, you'd say "Remember me? I was the bearded white guy." Because that was everyone. Now you have non-binary people, femme representing people, bottom types. There are so many more points of view and inclusion in the community.

BH: One thing I've noticed is that there is an assumption that erotic hypnosis corresponds to kink and BDSM generally.

AmHypnotic, chiming in: Yes, and they're not the same thing. There's this tendency that the bigger and more intense something looks, the more impressive it is. But that's not what makes it work.

BH: I mention it because I really like the gentle femdom movement I've seen lately, where gently pulling on someone's hair is recognized and seen as dominant, and there's no pain or fear. It's not about turning everything up to 11.

WG: There's a lot of good things, but stuff like that is coming from the kink community in general. The EH community is barely 10 years old, and what we have been doing is copying what other conferences are doing, like scholarships for female presenters. And the internet and local groups getting together has been huge. There's so much better vetting of presenters and sharing of information now.

There's still a problem with sharing information. The TNG group had a presenter that had been vetted and it was a horror show. And then once it came out, there were presentations she'd given before that made it clear she had done this before, and so it's a question of getting all those people together. So there's a missing stair problem there.

Mephki: There is a discord server called the Watchtower which is all the conference and group leaders together, and there is a vetting service. There's work being done. There's hypnation. It is getting better. You have to be careful about ban lists, but they are private party events.

BH: What do you think the recreational and EH community can teach the clinical hypnosis community?

WG: [Laughter] There's no comparison. The EH community is leaps and bounds ahead of the professionals. There's no need for them to do it for money, so they have more freedom to experiment, and so it's all about the creativity. But there are professionals still reading off of scripts written in the 1950s.

[Much discussion ensues]

BH: I know there are talented individuals. Melissa Tiers, for example.

WG: No, there are absolutely some great people out there. Melissa Tiers is a rockstar. She's very good, no bullshit, always happy to show new things she's learned. Kaz Riley is another good example. But the field as a whole is still behind and playing it safe. There can be ten different tracks at a conference and not one presentation you want to go to.

Hypnomedia: Hypnothoughts Live is really good. They have a good mix of clinical and stage hypnotists.

WG: I've heard that, but I'm afraid that if I go, I'll get outed.

BH: So final question. Erotic hypnosis would seem to have a natural overlap with using hypnosis for sexual disorders. And yet, there's almost nothing about using hypnosis to treat sexual disorders. And there's sex research on BDSM and kink, but there's very little research into erotic hypnosis. Why do you think that is?

WG: I couldn't tell you. I know there's a Dr Will Horton who puts together a five day course on Erotic Hypnosis. The first three days are clinical, focusing on erectile dysfunction, anorgasmia, and things like that. The final two days, he hands out copies of Mind Play and talks about erotic hypnosis. The mixture of clinical treatment and erotic material in the same course is not something that anyone can do, but Dr Horton has a Psy D, so he can get away with doing it.

BH: But it does seem like so many techniques are essentially erotic hypnosis with the serial numbers filed off. Tantric Massage, Sensate Focus, and so on.

WG: There are many hypnosis things that do not show up in the field. But I don't know.

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 113 Review

Sad! Edition

Arlingtonpark presents: SNK 113, a play in three acts.

Act I

Act II

Act III

GIVE ME A BREAK, OKAY? THIS CHAPTER DIDN’T GIVE ME MUCH TO WORK WITH!

This was a more leisurly outing for this arc compared to the previous string of chapters. We get some insight into Zeke’s plan (but not a full elaboration), Levi makes a monkey out of him, and the EFC arrives in Shighanshina. That’s it.

Ironically, this was one of the more action packed chapters, yet it’s not as thrilling as, say, SNK 112, which was mostly our main trio sitting at a table.

Our heroes, sans Eren, have been mostly helpless in the face of Zeke and the EFC’s machinations, and Isayama has pressed this to good, suspense-inducing, effect.

We still don’t know much about Zeke, and why Eren is acting like he is now is still not completely understood. The opposition is opaque and they’ve been on a real winning streak so far. Just like how reports of a serial killer in your neighborhood can put you on edge, our heroes are put on edge by…just everything that’s happened so far, and we feel that gnawing fear by extension.

But now might be a turning point.

For the first time, Zeke/Eren (Zeren?)’s plan has hit a real snag. Now, now things will really start to get interesting. Pieck and Galliard did escape and participate in the Liberio fight, and Gabi and Falco are unexpectedly here on Paradis, but those were hardly setbacks. Detours maybe, but they didn’t threaten arrival at the final destination.

This is different. The plan was to rendezvous at Shighanshina and that’s just not going to happen now. Levi is dragging Zeke around like a monkey on a leash and Eren is none the wiser. And there’s no way for him to know that.

It’s not like they can communicate telepathically. unlike Hange and Levi When the time comes to meet up, Zeke isn’t going to be there. From Eren’s perspective, Zeke may as well have disappeared off the face of the Earth.

The plan apparently was to provoke an attack on Paradis by a coalition of the world’s forces. But this plan also apparently hinges on being able to use the Wall Titans to repel this attack. But that’s out the window too now. Zeren’s plan is in danger of catastrophic failure and at the worst possible time.

The enemy is already here. Pieck is on Paradis, no doubt gathering intelligence. It’s good that Zeke is subdued, but that creates a power vacuum and there’s no one around to fill it.

The legitimate government is facing a legitimacy crisis.

The EFC will be in damage control mode now that their plan is in danger of falling through.

And oh yeah, Marley has already infiltrated the island.

Paradis can easily devolve into chaos, now. Pixis’ government is a leader without much of a following; Eren has popular support. The EFC has a following but their leaders will soon be scrambling to regain control of the situation. And all Marley cares about is killing everyone.

And this raises a very intriguing question: How will Eren react to this?

Like I said, things have mostly gone smoothly for him. Yes, Eren’s had this stone cold demeanor, even in the middle of his fight in Liberio, but really he’s been coasting so far. Things have done nothing but go his way. Now it suddenly isn’t. So how does he react to that?

If SNK 112 is any indication, he won’t handle things well. Eren lost his cool at a backhanded swipe by Armin. And I’m not gonna lie, if that was all I had ever seen of Eren, I would have said he was weak.

Sad, even.

When it comes to Eren, Isayama will probably go the classic shonen villain route. Think Frieza or Cell from DBZ. Calm and cool, but only when they’re in control. Once they lose control, they lose their cool and reveal themselves as the wild animals they always were.

This will probably play into his freedom complex. Eren wanted to free humanity from the titans so they could explore the outside world. He framed it in terms of control. Freedom=control is the equation here.

Not being in control, to him, means not being free, so when he realizes he’s not in control anymore, he’s going to go apeshit.

Like the Trumpian figure that he is, Eren will probably resort to dominance rituals to sooth his own ego.

Floch had better watch out. When the guy at the top is a dominance obsessed lunatic, it doesn’t matter how high up the food chain you are. If you’re not at the top, you’re at the bottom. If my Eren=Trump framework is correct, Eren is going to abuse that to hell and back. He’s going to subject Floch and co. to all manner of degradations.

I honestly wouldn’t mind that, if it’s not extreme. Floch would deserve it.

Where do I even start with Floch?

In the past, I’ve compared the story of SNK to the current political landscape in the US. I don’t think this is intentional, to be clear; it’s just a very amusing parallel.

As leader of the Yeagerists, Floch roughly corresponds to Mark Meadows, the leader of the House Freedom Caucus. The HFC is a band of extremist, Trump-aligned, Republican politicians who openly rebel against their leadership. Meadows is the group’s current chairman.

Floch and Meadows share one overridingly important similarity: neither of them can create; they can only destroy.

John Boehner (pronounced “baner.” Seriously.) was leader of the House Republicans, until he was shit-canned because the Freedom Caucus didn’t like him. Here’s how he described their mindset:

“They can’t tell you what they’re for. They can tell you everything they’re against. They’re anarchists. They want total chaos. Tear it all down and start over. That’s where their mindset is.”

That’s basically Floch. He wants to Make Eldia Great Again and he thinks the Wall Titans have a role to play in that, but does he have a plan beyond that? Almost certainly not! That would require building something up, and that is beyond his feeble abilities. He thinks Hange is soft and opposes that. He thinks the military is old fashioned and opposes that.

Is there anything concrete that he supports? He supports using the Wall Titans and he supports Eren’s leadership, but his “game plan” is basically:

Use Wall Titans.

???

ELDIA IS GREAT AGAIN!!1

That’s hardly a plan.

All Floch and his team have accomplished is create chaos and dysfunction.

That’s it.

They instigated a social uprising, decapitated the government, and now? They’re just running around trying to find Zeke. (Even though Zeke and Eren already have a rendezvous point worked out.)

All Floch is good for is blowing stuff up and shitting over everything. But in the words of the great Sam Rayburn:

“Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a carpenter to build one.”

Floch is no carpenter. Floch is a coward. This pitifully small boy. This absolute failson. It’s no surprise at all he’s where he’s at.

Floch talks big now, but that’s only because he’s riding high now. I bet he’s the type of person who buckles under even minimal pressure. You all saw how he was during the Shighanshina battle. Everyone kept their composure even as Zeke’s rocks were closing in on them. Except him. He was the first to crack.

My sense is that Floch is not a constitutionally strong person, and he knows it. And he thinks he’s a coward, so we know he doesn’t think well of himself.

That’s the key. That’s why he is so devoted to Eldia.

He can’t feel pride in himself qua himself, so he has to feel pride in himself qua an Eldian. His logic is that if Eldians are strong then he is strong by proxy because he is one of them.

It’s the same thing with Trump supporters. Trump’s base supports him because Trump wants to maintain the racial hierarchy that benefits white people. And Trump’s base supports that because a lot of them are poor, white people. Because even though they don’t have a lot going for them, “at least I’m not black.” There’s little in their lives to be proud of, so they take pride in their race to feel better about themselves.

It’s like the evil version of gay pride.

Gay people take pride in their homosexuality because it’s a form of psychic preservation. They are denigrated for this one aspect of themselves, so they emphasize pride in that aspect to counter the stigma. It’s a way of preserving their sense of self-worth.

People like Floch take pride in their race because they have no self-worth to preserve. They’re empty and sad. Their race is one of the only things they have going for them. So they fight for Eldian greatness because a restored Empire will make them feel all big and strong.

It is utterly pathetic.

That’s one thing Floch and Eren have in common. They’re both sad. From Eren’s sad enslavement to the vague notion of freedom, to Floch’s sad belief that if Eldia is made “great” he’ll be made great in turn. It’s sadness all the way down.

The exemplar of that in this chapter is when Floch confronts Shadis.

It’s hilarious how Shadis calls Floch out on being a sad pissant and Floch tries to prove him wrong, only to prove him right in the process.

Not only does Floch miss, he’s stupid enough to say so out loud. He even explains what he was trying for.

Duuuude!

Just play it off as a warning shot! You’re trying to put up a tough guy front. Don’t admit to having failed spectacularly.

He would have been better off doing that anyway. Hitting Shadis in the foot just for mouthing off also would have proven him right. If you feel the need to shoot someone for mouthing off to you, then yeah, you are, in fact, a sad pissant.

But if it was just a warning shot to the ground around him, then that still would have been excessive, but it wouldn’t make you look insecure as hell.

To quote Game of Thrones:

“We’ve had vicious kings, and we’ve had idiot kings, but I don’t think we’ve ever been cursed with a vicious, idiot king!”

He’s not just vicious. He’s not just an idiot. He’s not even just a vicious idiot. He’s a vicious idiot with power. God help them.

But this idea of insecurity being the root cause of nationalist behavior raises an important question: why are the denizens of Paradis also on board with this nationalist program?

Well, nationalism runs on tribalism, so the people need to care about their Eldianism. Their being Eldians.

And going by that…it might actually be the Survey Corps’ fault.

At the start of the series, the Walldians were apathetic about the outside world. But thanks to the (not unjustified) efforts of the Survey Corps, the Walldians started to care.

Rod’s titan was over twice as big as the Colossal Titan; it loomed over Orvud like a kid looms over a toy cityscape playset. A lot of parallels were made in that sequence to the original Colossal Titan attack. In hindsight, Isayama, in his typically blunt style, was probably motivated by more than a need for a stylistic flourish. He probably did it to impress on the reader what he intended the Walldians to take away from the same event: From their perspective, this was another Shighanshina.

But the ending was different this time.

This was bigger than the first attack. Much bigger. Thousands upon thousands of people died in the first attack and its aftermath. Literally no one died the second time. Rod’s titan was subdued without incident. Awesome, but it also had the effect of inspiring nationalistic pride in the people.

Historia’s plan, very explicitly, was to exploit these nationalist feelings to the Survey Corps’ advantage. Stopping a second Shighanshina created a sense of communal unity among the Walldians. The plan was to encourage and then use those feelings to “stabilize the situation” as Historia herself put it.

And it worked, only it worked too well. Now those nationalist feelings have carried over to the Marley conflict to deleterious effect.

And then there’s the Wall Maria operation. That was described by the narrator like this:

“The area within Wall Maria represented one third of the land humanity had left. When the territory was lost five years ago, the loss of human life and property was massive. And, as those who remained inside the two walls quickly realized, those losses were only the beginning. It seemed wrong for us to continue living. Whether humanity could survive another day was out of human hands. Everything was now up to the titans. Because humanity had no way of defeating them. But, that day, one boy gripped the dagger in his heart and used it to kill a titan, stomping its massive head into the  ground. How did the humans who saw that sight feel? Some were filled with pride. Some were filled with hope. Some were filled with rage. But all of them screamed. Now, if Wall Maria is taken back, what scream will fill humanity’s hearts?”

The term for the “scream” the narrator is describing here is “nationalistic fervor.” The Wall Maria operation inspired further feelings of nationalism in the people. And again, those feelings have carried over.

This is a case study in unintended consequences. They wanted humanity to fight, now humanity is fighting and it’s backfiring spectacularly. The people are out for blood. Only this time the blood doesn’t evaporate without a trace.

It’s very revealing how Floch acts towards Shadis compared to Hange.

Hange didn’t have a very high opinion of Shadis the last time we saw them in a room together, but they still stood up for him. Even when they’re pissed at someone, they still don’t lose sight of the humanity of that someone.

Floch also has a low opinion of Shadis. He ordered him beaten for no reason. Because Floch is a sad, maladjusted, man-child. He sees the world in black and white terms. If you support him, you’re golden. If you don’t, you’re not even human.

It wouldn’t surprise me if Floch actually gets off on abusing whatever power he has over people. Being powerful is a high he doesn’t get to experience often, so don’t be surprised of he savors the exercising of it.

So I’ve noticed that the Survey Corps is still training recruits to fight titans. Who don’t exist anymore.

Ooookay.

Where is Isayama going with this?

Floch cites the stagnation in Survey Corps tactics as a reason why Eldia isn’t great. Isayama isn’t trying to both-sides this debate is he?

Floch is an asshole and his movement is repugnant. He’s a right-wing fucking nationalist. But it seems Isayama is trying to send the message that he’s not wrong.

What is it with this series and this schizophrenic approach to right-wing nationalism? The story has condemned it in certain moments, but when it comes to condemning the actual leaders of this movement, Isayama equivocates.

Floch is an asshole, BUT he’s actually right because the Survey Corps really is backwards thinking and in need of new leadership.

Eren is an asshole, BUT he’s actually right because the rumbling *is* necessary to protect Paradis and everyone else was just slow to accept this.

This isn’t just a case of the villains having a point. The key in situations like that is to show they have a point, but that their methods are obscene. Important to that is showing an actual alternative to those methods. Putting forth an alternative is important because it doesn’t matter how horrific Eren or Floch’s actions are, if it’s the only way to proceed then the argument can be made they are doing the right thing.

When the villain has a point, they have correctly identified a problem, but have incorrectly identified the solution.

With Eren and co. the story doesn’t just depict them as having correctly identified the problem. Their proposed solution is depicted as being at least somewhat correct too.

That’s a problem because it means Isayama is granting undue legitimacy to a repugnant, real world ideology.

Them being assholes should be a feature, not a bug. The bug being that they have a point. But the way Isayama has set things up, it’s that them having a point is the feature and their jackassery is the bug.

It all amounts to the story criticizing the nonessential aspects of this movement while leaving the substantive aspects intact.

At this point we’ll all need gas masks real soon because the smoke just keeps piling up.

The last thing of note is Zeke. Apparently he doesn’t get off on pain and suffering. Who knew.

We are apparently going to finally get a peak (you know it’s only going to be a peak) at his backstory and mindset next chapter.

Zeke worrying about his glasses, which belonged to what seems to have been a childhood friend of his, is obviously supposed to signal that Zeke can in fact empathize with people.

I am…warily looking forward to this. The ending blurb teases that he does in fact have a reason for what he’s doing. What I hope Isayama will do, because I think it would be a cool twist, is reveal that Zeke’s motives and plan is merely internally logical, but from an outside perspective, his plan is still totally batshit insane and maybe even nonsensical.

Because that’s how it is with people. People are rational actors, but all that means is that they respond to incentives and harms as they themselves weigh them in accordance with their own internal value system.

In other words, people act in a way that is always internally logical but not always truly logical. The prisoner’s dilemma is a classic example of this. Everyone acts rationally and because of that everyone loses.

How interesting would it be if Zeke’s motives only make sense to him, but are still, in a way, understandable?

The next chapter will end the second volume of this arc. Based on past chapters in a similar position, it will probably end on some event that rapidly escalates the conflict. My guess is that it’ll end on Marley launching its attack on Paradis.

SNK 114 awaits.

[idiopath-fic-smile]

have you ever put any thought into what's going on with the ABC gang in WAR a decade on? like, a lot of high school aus that use homophobia as a plot point are deliberately set in the 70s or the 80s, so it gets a little depressing because they'll have to wait decades for things to really get better - but you set WAR in 2006, which is *so cool* because in less than 10 years it goes from, well, 2006, to obergefell v. hodges.

this question is a bit complicated by the fact that i’m still working on adapting WAR into a novel, and the characters are a little different (i combined a lot of people, and also made most of them female) so this is specifically for the Les Mis fanfic version. 

also, this is more just my overall headcanon for the epilogue of WAR. take it with a grain of salt, none of this is True Canon, death of the author, etc

-it is my cherished secret headcanon that the members of the ABC gradually realize (in some cases, YEARS later) that actually none of them were straight, cis, and allo, with the possible exception of combeferre. 

ex) high school jehan ID’s as gay, but once they’re in the place to have more vocabulary for it, they come out as trans, nonbinary but femme-leaning (while continuing to be mostly into dudes). i think that eponine is bi (and also realizes pretty late that she’s nonbinary.) joly and bossuet are both bi. cosette is a lesbian. marius is ace. (their relationship worked in part because neither ever pressured the other, for anything. it was kind of more like playing house.) bahorel ID’s as straight for the longest time, but there’s a couple of male celebrities he jokes about as his “exceptions” until he realizes one day, hmm not really a joke. courfeyrac in high school considers himself gay, but after jehan comes out, realizes in retrospect he doesn’t fall perfectly on one end of the kinsey scale, either.

-molly keeps the ABC alive once the others graduate. gavroche joins when he becomes a freshman, and by his senior year, the club is double its original size. (he jokes it’s because he made LGBTQ rights cool, but really, a tide is turning.)

-enjolras stays politically active and does a lot of nonprofit and organizing work all throughout college. in ‘08, he joins one of those groups that goes door to door registering voters (so does jehan, who attends the same university). enjolras’s experiences with other people, people NOT from affluent suburbs, open his eyes in a good way and make him a little less intense about his own point of view.

-most of the ABC kids are swept up in the excitement of the first obama campaign. combeferre actually gets emotional, talking about it; he writes some very eloquent op-eds in the school paper about what obama means to him, and how fucked-up all the racist scrutiny really is. joly, musichetta, and bossuet phone bank. eponine starts taking photos at rallies, one of which becomes kind of well-known and helps launch her interest in pursuing photography for real. courfeyrac organizes theatrical productions to raise money for the campaign, which are a weird and wild success. bahorel is a minor social media star, and he leverages his dubious fame to try to help get out the young people vote.

-(eponine is gavroche’s legal guardian, and she balances work with community college. she was honestly more of a hillary girl, but obama wins her over eventually.)

-grantaire and enjolras stayed together post-high school, and after a year of attending a nearby community college, grantaire has the grades to transfer to the same university as enjolras. 

grantire spends most of his early college years bouncing from one major to another; he likes art but more as a release than as an area of academic focus. like, getting a bad grade on an art project is fucking devastating. they start fighting a lot that first september in the same school because enjolras is so sure of his path and grantaire feels guilty and defensive for not knowing where to go with his life. it makes grantaire feel like a worthless burnout again (which is frustrating because he thought he’d WORKED THROUGH IT, dammit), but he also resents enjolras’s attempts to help him, which eventually makes enjolras pull away in hurt, which terrifies grantaire so much that he pulls away too, and they break up very early sophomore year of college.

-the night obama wins the election in ‘08, even despite the blow of prop 8 passing, all the old ABC members are calling each other, yelling into their phones with delight. combeferre is literally crying.enjolras is jubilant, but grantaire, who had never seriously thought that obama had a chance, honestly feels like he’s high again.

enjolras and grantaire wind up at the same celebratory party and, under the influence of all that victory, they hook up. holy shit have they missed each other. they briefly get back together, but it’s not like it was in high school, before they knew quite how badly they could hurt each other. when enjolras does study abroad for a semester, they break up again, amicably, rather than do the long distance thing. they drift apart even when he gets back. it’s nobody’s fault.

-jehan switches to they/them pronouns and puts out a chapbook of poetry about feeling connected to the words of dead authors. bahorel becomes a college radio DJ, and is so good, his show gets picked up by local stations and he eventually starts working as the “bad boy of NPR”. courfeyrac realizes that more than acting, his real joy is stage managing. musichetta goes into business, advocating for greater diversity. 

-grantaire winds up at the last minute, majoring in psychology. studying this stuff in an actual class makes him realize just how dysfunctional his family dynamics have really been, and how little of it had to do with him. it’s both freeing and terrifying. he makes friends in his advanced psych courses (mostly idealistic young feminist women), and dates one for a while. ironically, she’s also bi. he has more of a chance to unpack all the stigma he’s been carrying around for years, how frustrating it was to be seen as “the gay kid” in high school when that wasn’t really true.

-combeferre decides to get dreadlocks after graduating undergrad and becomes “that hot World Lit TA with the dreadlocks”

-grantaire starts kind of considering going into counseling. the members of the ABC he’s still in touch with keep urging him to write Mr. Myriel a letter, and grantaire keeps dragging his feet, but one night he’s in town to visit Eponine, and runs into Mr. Myriel at the grocery store, and basically word-vomits all this gratitude, and the two become penpals. Mr. Myriel eventually writes one of the recommendation letters that gets grantaire into a sociology master’s program.

-combeferre gets fed up with the ivory tower of academia and joins a startup that teaches coding to kids, particularly girls in low-income areas. (He’d long been interested in coding, but more as a fun side hobby.)

-grantaire moves to the city (uh, let’s say chicago) to get his master’s, where he also reconnects with bossuet, who by then is a hippie engineer and just a solid, low-stress friend to have. they become super close in a platonic bros way, and grantaire may actually be the one to say, “oh btw, did you have a crush on joly, or did you guys both just like musichetta?” (answer: YES and YES). grantaire rents a bedroom in bossuet’s apartment (bossuet has more space than anticipated because he just had a rough breakup) and in his starving student days, grantaire pays some of his rent to bossuet by cooking him dinner and stuff. in this time, grantaire actually learns how to cook, beyond just fucking up the occasional frozen pizza.

-kind of to his surprise, grantaire winds up really enjoying counseling (or at least, finding it rewarding; talking to people with such intense problems be rough) and particularly working with youths. they never expect his sense of humor, which turns out to be a pretty useful tool in connecting with them.

-bossuet sometimes, long-distance, donates his time to combeferre’s coding project. grantaire hears through bossuet, through combeferre, that enjolras is moving to chicago for law school.

-at first, grantaire and enjolras are awkward around each other, but the weird thing is, their positions are kind of reversed because grantaire by now feels pretty confident in his role as a counselor, and is doing good work, while enjolras is under a ton of stress in law school and still not always 100% sure it’s the right move. grantaire is living alone by now, and he misses hanging with bossuet (who is in a complex poly triad now, and has a lot less free time) (part of me feels it’d be way too big of a coincidence if it’s joly and musichetta, part of me yearns for it, so you decide for yourself i suppose). so grantaire starts coming over to cook dinner at enjolras’s apartment as enjolras studies. this is partly because grantaire’s own kitchen in his studio is really insufficient, but mostly an excuse for them to hang out in a low-cost, low-pressure way. they eat and watch Parks and Rec.

-in theory this is a great system, and in practice it’s the same kind of agonizing romantic tension from high school. enjolras is really into this more confident, happier, more balanced grantaire. grantaire appreciates that enjolras has gotten  a little less overbearing, a little lighter even as he’s also so clearly fraying at the seams. grantaire just wants to, like, give him a massage, but whoa boundaries. they sit on the same couch and SOMETIMES THEIR ARMS BRUSH.

-enjolras decides first that he wants to get back together, that they’ve grown enough in the time they were apart that they could build something healthy and balanced now. he’s not totally sure how to make his case to grantaire, and he feels a little weird being the less stable one of the pair. 

-enjolras decides that he’s gonna make grantaire dinner. grantaire doesn’t really get why; enjolras generally does the dishes so it’s not like anything’s really owed here??? enjolras slips into way overachiever mode and prepares like a whole three-course spread of painstakingly researched recipes. grantaire is VERY confused. “I thought I was hot shit, dude, where did you learn to cook like this?” enjolras has to shamefacedly confess he taught it to himself for this night. “Damn, are you proposing or something?” grantaire blurts in an ill-considered joke, and enjolras’s ears turn red. they get together again. it’s really good this time.

-in 2013, when the supreme court rules that gay marriage is legal in all 50 states, enjolras actually finds out because grantaire texts him the minute the news breaks with simply, “Holy fuck, you were right all along!!!!!” and then some hearts.

-they’re married a year later. one of their wedding photos is them kissing, both raising a middle finger to the imagined haters, like “bring it on, assholes” you’d think this would’ve been grantaire’s idea, but nope, enjolras. it’s framed over their mantle.

-by november 2016, enjolras is a lawyer for the ACLU, and grantaire is a counselor at an organization that primarily works with LGBTQA youth. after the election, enjolras doesn’t get out of bed all day. then he’s a whirlwind of activity. trump-era enjolras is a hybrid of the wisdom and confidence of obama-era enjolras, and the “fuck these motherfuckers” pinpoint focused ferocity of bush jr-era enjolras. grantaire’s work is frequently draining as hell, but he’s drawing again (making a webcomic with joly, actually), and they’re getting by.

-sometimes, at low moments, they remember how it felt at their wedding reception, when bahorel cued up Ted Leo’s “Shake the Sheets” and all those friends and loved ones danced their brains out (enjolras’s parents have some MOVES as it turns out), and grantaire got super choked up, and then enjolras leaned over while they were dancing and whispered in his ear, “Probably better that he didn’t go with our prom song,” (which, as you’ll remember, is Fifty Cent’s “Candy Shop”) and they both burst out laughing in the middle of the dance floor. If they survived high school, they can survive anything.

-bossuet, grantaire, joly, eponine, musichetta and sometimes enjolras have a long-distance D&D game wherein a ragtag crew of outcasts battles the odds as they attempt to take down an evil totalitarian kingdom. (joly’s already got notes for the graphic novel version.)

[peterpparkrr]

(Archie Andrews x Reader): You’re such a cliche

Summary: Archie and Reader (a cheerleader) develop feels and eventually a relationship, the only problem is that the reader doesn’t want it to get out.

A/N: (apologies for spelling and grammar) This is a different style from what I normally do so I hope you enjoy it :)

 It had all started after an away football game. (Y/N) had been sitting at the front of the bus like she usually did (she claimed she got carsick; she was really just trying to avoid most of the other cheerleaders so she could read in peace) and Archie sat down next to her.

“Is this seat taken?” Archie asked, causing (Y/N) to look up from her book.

“I guess not,” You mumbled, a little annoyed to be distracted since you were just getting wrapped up in the story.

“Sorry, there’s no other seats, otherwise I wouldn’t bother you, you seem pretty pulled into that book.” He explains, looking a bit nervous.

You take pity on him, “That’s okay, I just usually sit up here to take a break from the girls, I love them but sometimes they’re a little too much.” You admit.

Archie nods, “I totally get that, I have the same thing with a lot of the guys on the team, that’s why it helps to have good friends who aren’t only thinking about football.”

You shrug, not wanting to admit that you don’t really have any good friends, just the other cheerleaders.

“So what are you reading?” Archie asked.

And that’s how it all started. The two spent the whole ride back to Riverdale talking about everything from books to music to politics.

After that the two found each other more and more often, they started partnering up in the classes they shared and Archie made it a habit to always sit next to (Y/N) on the bus to and from away games. Any time anyone asked if they were dating they would both scoff and reject the idea, both convinced that the other one didn’t feel the same way.

You were at a party, you hated parties, the music was always too loud, it was too hot, and everyone around you was too drunk. Cheryl was hanging on to you, her arm around your shoulders, “Isn’t she so tacky?” She asked you, her words slurring together.

“Who?” You asked dumbly, realizing you’d zoned out of the conversation.

“Veronica, of course” Cheryl sighed, “God, you’re so stupid sometimes. Anyway, I think she’s probably had work done, I mean...”

You nodded along as Cheryl droned on, not noticing Archie standing nearby watching you.

Eventually you excused yourself to go to the bathroom and carefully pried Cheryl’s arm off of you. When you got up to the bathroom you stared at yourself in the mirror for a long time, wondering how you’d gotten yourself in this situation. After washing your face quickly you opened the door only to stumble into Archie.

“Oh, hey!” You say cheerfully, putting on the facade you’d perfected in recent years.

“Why do you act that way when you’re around the other cheerleaders?” He asked bluntly.

“What way?” You asked, playing dumb, even though you knew exactly what he was getting at.

“It’s like you’re a completely different person when you’re with me, I don’t get it.” He tells you.

“It’s just easier.” You respond, defensively crossing your arms over your chest, “It makes it easier to fit in.”

Archie sighed, “Yeah, you’re a cheerleader, but you’re also so much more than that. Don’t let people like Cheryl dumb you down.”

“I appreciate that Archie, I really do, but if I was myself around these people...I’d probably get kicked off the team.” You reply, “Now if you’ll excuse me,” You add before slipping past him and making your way back to your post next to Cheryl.

The next weekend was an away game. It was a brutal loss and Archie was unusually quiet on the bus ride home because of it.

“Hey, you played great tonight, you know that right?” You said softly.

“Thanks, (Y/N), but I still feel bad, I could have played better,” Archie replied. 

“Hey, I’m sure next weekend will be better,” You say as you gently and hesitantly intertwine your fingers with his own. Your brain tells you not to, that this is a bad idea and you’re slowly becoming everything you hate but another party of you can’t bear that you’re not touching him more.

“(Y/N)...” Archie mutters softly, looking down at your hands and then back up at your face.

“Is this okay?” You ask quietly.

“Yes,” He replies quickly.

You smile softly as you turn to look straight ahead again. 

They held hands the rest of the ride, neither one wanted to be the first one to let go. Once they got back to school and everyone started getting off (Y/N) quickly snatched her hand away before anyone could notice it.

“Can I walk you home?” Archie asked, surprising you. The two of you never spent time together outside of school and stuff for football, especially not alone. 

You smiled and nodded, “Sure.”

As they walked Archie reached for your hand again.

“So what are we?” Archie asked as you walked up to your porch.

“I don’t know,” You replied, turning to face him, “I’m turning into everything I used to make fun of, but I don’t hate it.”

“Well, do you want to date?” Archie asked.

“I think so,” You admitted, “Do you?”

“Of course, ever since I first sat next to you on the bus I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you out.” He replied, blushing slightly.

“Then you should pick me up tomorrow night at seven,” You reply as you unlocked your door.

Their first date was at Pops, they were having a good time, talking about their families and how dysfunctional they are when some cheerleaders walked in and made their way over to where they were sitting.

“Oh my god! Are you guys on a date?” One of them asked excitedly.

“No,” You quickly replied, “We’re just hanging out,” You lied quickly and believably.

“Oh, sorry,” She replied awkwardly, “Well...we’ll leave you to it...” She said before the group walked away.

“Sorry about that,” You said, turning to Archie, “They’re just…”

“Why did you say we weren’t on a date?” He asked.

“They-There are these really dumb stereotypes, you know, the whole cheerleader and the football player cliche? I just, I can’t become that.”

“But isn’t that what we are?” 

“No! We’re more than that, we’re more complex, but that’s how those girls will see us, and I just can’t-”

“Do you want to be in a relationship with me?”

“I-yes.” You admit, “But we’re some fantasy straight out of the 1969s.”

“Why is that so bad? What we have is real, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” You reply again, “Archie, I want to be with you, but if we are, we can’t tell anyone, at least not the football team and cheerleading squad.”

“Are you ashamed at the thought of being with me?”

“No, I just wanted what we have to be just between us, it’s too special to taint with everyone else.”

And for two months they did just that, they went on dates, spent time together, did everything that couples do, the only difference was that they didn’t tell anyone one at school, or act in any slightly romantic way when they were around other kids.

Archie had a hard time keeping it from his close friends. Betty, Veronica, Kevin-and even Jughead-sometimes tried to set him up with people, but he just kept avoiding their ideas, claiming that he was too busy with music and football and work to have a girlfriend. None of them really bought it (I mean, it hadn’t stopped him before when he was with Grundy or Valerie) but they had a hard time figuring out why Archie would be so adamant about it. Kevin was the one who first brought up the fact that he was hiding a secret girlfriend but everyone else thought that was highly unlikely, they’d never seen him act more than friendly with anyone, and none of the girls he hung out with stood out more than others.

But, like all secrets, the truth came out eventually.

You and Archie were at Pops one Friday night, enjoying your tradition of splitting a hot fudge malt and a basket of fries when the ice queen herself, Cheryl, walked in.

“Well, well, well, what are you two doing here? Out on a date?” She asks as she saunters over.

“Cheryl, for the last time, we’re not dating, we’re just hanging out.” You reply with an eyeroll as you glance over at her.

“Well, you two do an awful lot of hanging out for two people claiming to just be friends.” She comments, “Every weekend someone finds the two of you here, just the two of you,”

“Cheryl, everyone hangs out here all the time, what are you trying to say?”

“I’m just saying that if you’re not dating Archie, you should give someone else a ride on the ginger stallion.” She replies suggestively as she gives Archie a meaningful glance, “What do you say Archie?”

“I um-” He stalls, glancing at you nervously.

“Oh come on Cheryl, just because Archie doesn’t want to make out with you doesn’t mean he’s dating someone,” You cutting, starting to feel a bit defensive.

“Well, that didn’t stop him last time.”

“What?” You ask, feeling completely thrown for a loop.

“At my family's maple syrup tapping,” Cheryl replies.

“Oh, that doesn’t matter, that was before we were dating,” You reply before realizing what you just said and claiming your hand over your mouth and glancing at Archie with wide eyes.

“Ha! I knew it!” She shouts triumphantly, “Jesus Christ, you guys made that way harder than it needed to be. I can’t wait to tell everybody, this is so exciting.”

“Great…” You mutter as she walks away, already typing on her phone (presumably texting the group chat the ‘good news’), “Shit,” You mutter as you rub your hands over your face. From across the table Archie reaches over and grabs your hands away and holds them in his own. 

“Hey,” He says softly, “It’s going to be okay, we’ll figure out how to deal with this, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay with this.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” You ask, giving him a loving smile, “I guess now that the cats out of the bag we should just embrace it, you know? I was getting kind of tired of hiding it anyway.”

“Good, because I’ve been wanting you to wear my letter jacket for ages now, and I think Monday would be a great opportunity for you to debut that look.”

“You’re such a cliche.”

“You know you love it”

[crimsonfluidessence]

1. I’d say a combination of tragic backstory angst and him CARING ABOUT PEOPLE AND BEING SOFT

2. I wanted to add dragons to the dragon-centric roleplay group I was involved in. I pulled him in and things happened.

3. Like, change because he’d be better off, or change because I want to redo it? I’d probably change something about his canon uni’s main plot. I don’t know what, I just know something could be better.

4. There’s nothing I could tell him that he would actually listen to. My best bet would be to tell him that he’s going to have to confront his delusions at some point, because he’s not dying to absolve him of having to face them, so for the love of the god, for his own sake, please try to find a way to find peace that doesn’t involve violence.

5. I’d probably give him a letter containing my psychoanalysis of him to make my point further and to try and reassure him about certain things.

6. His perspective on self-esteem is actually pretty nice.

7. Esredes is better at being assertive and going for what he wants than I am. I would love to have that from him.

8. My over-empathetic ass as much as it tries can’t feel good about him dying and getting what he deserves in this universe. I have to admit that I do, I just... there really was no winning in a situation involving Ishgard. It’s hard to know what would make him happy. I think if he learned to grow past his issues of holding onto hatred and using violence as a coping mechanism, saw himself beyond his capacity to be a war machine, surrounded himself with people that genuinely value and respect him but also can push him to better himself, and just accepted that he’s not as set in things as he tells himself he is and let his more loving side become more dominant, he’d get to the best form of happiness he could achieve. And I think there’s a chance that can happen, too.

9. Yes, but he’s not the character of mine that’s my ultimate angst puppet so I try to make sure he doesn’t become like that character. His heart’s already broken once, and going to half break again, the only way it could shatter completely is to have a completely different outcome to the events that transpire.

10. I fucking love writing how this arrogant dysfunctional asshole talks and behaves. Like god, all of it is beautiful. He’s so fucking powerful, has so much potential to piss people off, and yet so much power to entice people. It’s all just??? Incredible??? Overflowing with pure beauty???? And then other people see it too and that just makes me so happy

11. I hate that he can never make quite the correct decision and constantly screws things up for himself.

12. Previously answered at least once so skip

13. As much as I joke about it, I don’t like seeing him emotional and suffering.

14. Okay, look, this is Esredes. He may seem like an asshole, and he is. Just... be respectful with him, and he won’t be nasty to you. I know there’s a lot you can comment on, but if you resist the urge, you’re going to make things easier on yourself.

15. Fuck No, I wouldn’t be able to get past his demeanor to even try and understand who he is as a person. Even if I did know everything, I would exhaust myself trying to get what I need out of him.

16. I’m less delusional and violent than he is, but he’s better able to take action, is secure in himself, and has personal power I can only dream of.

17. Uh... Well, to me he’s always represented my pure hatred for people who can’t see things as they really are and live on false assumptions. That’s what he started out as. But now that he’s become so complex, I can’t help but see past what he represents and see a fully realized person who is an idiot.

18. To me the most core aspect is his unwavering vitality towards his cause and achieving it. I think he would also agree? We can both agree it’s his core aspect because we both understand it’s the purest form of his motivation.

19. oh god here comes the killer question; Logically, I should want to punish him for all he’s done and all the suffering he’s cause. Cutting him out of the equation and administering justice, on a logical level, does not make any substantial loss.

But I can’t, because I would never think on such a horrid level. I just can’t, and that’s a fault of my person. I know he could never have avoided becoming the monster he is, and what happened to him wasn’t fair. He’s not a good person, he never has been, and I know that. But I also know, that for once, he’s not beyond saving, and knowing what I know about the monster I’m used to, I want to see him finally get the chance to grow beyond the environmental product of hatred he’s always been enslaved to.

So no, I wouldn’t punish him. I’d tell him to go to the people that love him, keep them close, and take the time he needs to get his mental health back together so he can grow into someone worth saving. There are people who need him, and people who he needs.

20. Well, if anyone wants to add to this, go ahead! Ask me more psychological questions or whatever else you want.

questions for the mun, regarding the muse.

What makes you the most emotional about your muse?

What made you decide to write this muse?

If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

What do you love about your muse?

What do you hate about your muse?

What about your muse amuses you?

What about your muse makes you sad?

How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

Why do you think you connect to your muse?

What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

If you had to judge your muse and sentence them to a “fair” fate, what would your judgement be? Would you punish them? Reward them? How?

[come up with your own question for the mun, regarding the muse]

[hollywoodjuliorivas]

NONFICTION

‘She Said’ Recounts How Two Times Reporters Broke the Harvey Weinstein Story

ImageJodi Kantor and Megan Twohey

Jodi Kantor and Megan TwoheyCreditCreditMartin Schoeller

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By Susan Faludi

Sept. 8, 2019

SHE SAID

Breaking the Sexual Harassment Story That Helped Ignite a Movement

By Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey

Tell the truth: Do you really need to hear more about Harvey Weinstein? The open bathrobe, the hotel hot tubs, the syringes of erectile-dysfunction drugs delivered by cowed assistants, the transparent requests for “a massage,” the ejaculatory exhibitions — it’s not just indictable, it’s … ick, simultaneously pathological and pathetic.

Which explains the reluctance I felt sitting down to read “She Said: Breaking the Sexual Harassment Story That Helped Ignite a Movement,” wherein the New York Times reporters Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey revisit at book length their investigative reporting on Weinstein, promising a “substantial amount” of new information. New information? More than 80 women have come forward to recount their encounters with the Oscar-award-monopolizer-and-patron-of-progressive-causes-turned-Tinseltown’s-über-ogre, the beast whose fleshy unshaven headshot every famous Hollywood beauty knows to hate, and whose trial has now been rescheduled for January to allow for additional testimony against him. What new gruesome details do we need?

But “She Said” isn’t retailing extra helpings of warmed-over salacity. The authors’ new information is less about the man and more about his surround-sound “complicity machine” of board members and lawyers, human resource officers and P.R. flaks, tabloid publishers and entertainment reporters who kept him rampaging with impunity years after his behavior had become an open secret. Kantor and Twohey instinctively understand the dangers of the Harvey-as-Monster story line — and the importance of refocusing our attention on structures of power. When they at last confront Weinstein, in a Times conference room and later on speakerphone, he’s the mouse that roared, the Great and Powerful Oz turned puny humbug, swerving from incoherent rants to self-pitying whimpers (“I’m already dead”) to sycophantic claims of just being one of them. (“If I wasn’t making movies, I would’ve been a journalist.”) He’s loathsome and self-serving, but his psychology is not the story they want to tell. The drama they chronicle instead is more complex and subtle, a narrative in which they are ultimately not mere observers but, essential to its moral message, protagonists themselves.

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[ This book was one of our most anticipated titles of September. See the full list. ]

Kantor and Twohey broke the Weinstein story. Their 3,300-word Times article on Oct. 5, 2017, aired allegations against him that had been piling up as whispers and rumors for 30 years. That report, and the ones to follow, were grounded in scores of interviews with actresses and current and former employees, supplemented by legal filings, corporate records and internal company communications that documented a thick web of cover-ups, bullying tactics and confidential settlements. It was bravura journalism.

“We watched with astonishment as a dam wall broke,” Kantor and Twohey write of the response to that first article. A day after it was published, so many women phoned The Times to report allegations of sexual harassment and assault against Weinstein that the paper had to assign additional reporters to handle the calls. On Oct. 10, another round of women, including marquee names like Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie and Rosanna Arquette, went public in a second article in The Times. Three weeks later, a third article detailed still more accounts of sexual abuse by Weinstein, spanning the globe and dating back to the 1970s. “This has haunted me my entire life,” said 62-year-old Hope Exiner d’Amore, who recounted being raped by Weinstein when she was in her early 20s.

This series of articles in many ways ignited the #MeToo movement, already smoldering in the atmosphere of frustration after reports of Donald Trump’s alleged sexual predations (a story that Twohey broke with another reporter) and the release of the “Access Hollywood” tape failed to slow the reality star’s march to the White House. Their reporting, Kantor and Twohey recall in “She Said,” seemed to operate as a “solvent for secrecy, pushing women all over the world to speak up about similar experiences.”

And a solvent for the structures that enforced that secrecy. A day after the first story came out, a third of the (all-male) board of the Weinstein Company resigned and the remaining members put Weinstein on leave. Two days later, he was fired. Within a year, his corporation declared bankruptcy — and, as part of the Chapter 11 filing, released employees from nondisclosure agreements.

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What explains the company’s decades of inaction? Answering that question, and parsing the ways that such entities and their centurions functioned as Weinstein’s shield, is the prime focus of “She Said.” The guardians the authors unmask aren’t only the obvious ones. Yes, Weinstein’s board members looked the other way long after they knew; yes, The National Enquirer and Black Cube security snoops deep-sixed damaging accounts and shut down whistle-blowers. Yes, Weinstein’s brother, Bob, the company’s co-founder, kept mum beyond all reason — even after Harvey had punched him in the face. But there was also the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, which often kept its settlements secret. And David Boies, the lawyer admired for championing gay marriage before the Supreme Court, who served as Weinstein’s personal consigliere and tried to squash every threat of bad press. And Linda Fairstein, the celebrated Manhattan sex crimes prosecutor, who, after an Italian model reported to the New York City police that Weinstein had groped her, brokered connections between Weinstein’s legal team and the lead prosecutor and tried to discredit the woman’s allegation to Twohey.

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[ “She Said” names some of the people who helped Harvey Weinstein evade scrutiny. ]

And then there was Gloria Allred, the crusading feminist lawyer, whose law firm, in 2004, negotiated a nondisclosure agreement for one of Weinstein’s victims; the firm pocketed 40 percent of the settlement. “While the attorney cultivated a reputation for giving female victims a voice,” Kantor and Twohey write, “some of her work and revenue was in negotiating secret settlements that silenced them and buried allegations of sexual harassment and assault.” Allred went on to do the same with women who had been abused by the Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and the Olympics gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar. In 2017, after a group of lawyers in California persuaded a state legislator to consider a bill that would ban confidentiality clauses muzzling sexual harassment victims, Allred denounced the move and threatened to go on the attack. The legislator, Connie Leyva, quickly shelved the idea. (A year later, Leyva introduced such a bill and it was signed into law.)

Maybe the most appalling figure in this constellation of collaborators and enablers is Lisa Bloom, Allred’s daughter. A lawyer likewise known for winning sexual-harassment settlements with nondisclosure agreements, Bloom was retained by Weinstein (who had also bought the movie rights to her book). In a jaw-dropping memo to Weinstein, Bloom itemized her game plan: Initiate “counterops online campaigns,” place articles in the press painting one of his accusers as a “pathological liar,” start a Weinstein Foundation “on gender equality” and hire a “reputation management company” to suppress negative articles on Google. Oh, and this gem: “You and I come out publicly in a pre-emptive interview where you talk about evolving on women’s issues, prompted by death of your mother, Trump pussy grab tape and, maybe, nasty unfounded hurtful rumors about you. … You should be the hero of the story, not the villain. This is very doable.”

“She Said” contains a second story of what’s doable against great odds: how two reporters with no connections in Hollywood and with almost no one willing to go on the record were able to penetrate this omertà and expose what lay behind it to public scrutiny. This is the book’s deeper level, the story of getting a story, signaled in the choice of chapter titles like “The First Phone Call” and “‘Who Else Is on the Record?’” Kantor and Twohey have crafted their news dispatches into a seamless and suspenseful account of their reportorial journey, a gripping blow-by-blow of how they managed, “working in the blank spaces between the words,” to corroborate allegations that had been chased and abandoned by multiple journalists before them. “She Said” reads a bit like a feminist “All the President’s Men.”

Kantor and Twohey take us through the time-consuming, meticulous and often go-nowhere grunt work that’s intrinsic to gathering evidence, winning the trust of gun-shy victims and maneuvering past barricades that block the path to a publishable article. Along the way, we witness how much institutional support such a protracted effort requires. Kantor and Twohey make a point throughout the book of stressing their reliance on a multilayered editorial team, from rigorous young research assistants like Grace Ashford, who combs through government employment data and tracks down a key former assistant from the late 1980s at Miramax, Weinstein’s film production company, to seasoned elder hands like the Times investigative editor Rebecca Corbett. “Sixtysomething, skeptical, scrupulous and allergic to flashiness or exaggeration,” Kantor and Twohey write of her, “but so low profile that she barely surfaced in Google search results. Her ambition was journalistic, not personal.” The night before the first article ran, Corbett remained in the newsroom until dawn, weighing and reweighing every word.

In this way, “She Said” is a dead-on description of what makes so-called “legacy” journalism so powerful. Ironically, the #MeToo movement that Kantor and Twohey’s articles about Weinstein helped launch promulgates an opposite message: that the best way to bring injustice to light is to get rid of the “gatekeepers” and let rip on Twitter, that we’ll only get to the “truth” when the Establishment is brought down and no one is in charge.

[ Read: “I’m Harvey Weinstein — you know what I can do.” ]

It may be, as the political writer Lee Smith argued in The Weekly Standard, that some journalists had protected Weinstein partly out of a craven illusion that the Hollywood rainmaker would someday make rain for them, buying their articles for high-grossing films. And no doubt the #MeToo movement has prompted the mainstream media to take these stories more seriously. Would Vanity Fair’s editor today omit allegations of sexual assault from a profile of Jeffrey Epstein, as happened in 2003? Nonetheless, the big-league sexual predators who have been brought to justice in the #MeToo era have been brought there not by internet whisper campaigns but by good old-fashioned reporting: O’Reilly by The Times, Nassar by The Indianapolis Star, Epstein by The Miami Herald, Roy Moore by The Washington Post, Weinstein by The Times and The New Yorker. “The Weinstein story had impact,” the authors note, “in part because it had achieved something that, in 2018, seemed rare and precious: broad consensus on the facts.”

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There’s an implication here: The answer to institutionally protected predation isn’t the anti-institutionalism of social media and viral tweets, but a powerful counter-institution capable of mounting a rigorous investigation, run by, yes, gatekeepers. Not spelled out but amply evident in Kantor and Twohey’s reckoning is the importance that those gatekeepers be female as well as male. In 2013, Jill Abramson, then The Times’s executive editor, promoted Corbett and another woman to the paper’s senior editorial staff, making the masthead 50 percent female for the first time in history. What happens when you get that kind of sisterhood is familiar to any spectator of the Women’s World Cup. Watching Kantor and Twohey pursue their goal while guarding each other’s back is as exhilarating as watching Megan Rapinoe and Crystal Dunn on the pitch.

Toward the end of the book, Kantor and Twohey devote two chapters to Christine Blasey Ford and her decision to air her sexual-assault allegations against the Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. This, and the book’s finale, “The Gathering,” seem appended, an anticlimactic climax. In “The Gathering,” the reporters assemble 12 of the sexual abuse victims they interviewed (including a McDonald’s worker, Kim Lawson, who helped organize a nationwide strike over the fast-food franchise’s failure to address sexual harassment) at Gwyneth Paltrow’s Brentwood mansion to talk, over gourmet Japanese cuisine, about what they’ve endured since going public with their charges. The testimonials inevitably descend into platitudes about personal “growth” and getting “some sense of myself back.” At one point, Paltrow starts crying over the way Weinstein had invoked his support for her career to get women to submit to his advances, and Lawson’s friend (a McDonald’s labor organizer who came with her so she wouldn’t feel alone in a room full of movie stars) hands the actress a box of tissues.

These therapeutic scenes paste a pat conclusion onto a book that otherwise keeps the focus not on individual behavior or personal feelings but on the apparatuses of politics and power. At the least, though, the contrast throws into relief how un-pat, instructive and necessary “She Said” is. It turns out we did need to hear more about Weinstein — and the “more” that Kantor and Twohey give us draws an important distinction between the trendy ethic of hashtag justice and the disciplined professionalism and institutional heft that actually got the job done.

Susan Faludi is the author of “Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women” and, most recently, “In the Darkroom.”

SHE SAID

Breaking the Sexual Harassment Story That Helped Ignite a Movement

By Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey

310 pp. Penguin Press. $28.

[alternative-eyes]

This is a transcript of our recent Open Minds UFO Radio interview which can be found here. Transcribed using AI technology.

Luis Elizondo: Hello Mr. Rojas. How are you?

Alejandro Rojas: Hello, how are you, Mr Elizondo?

Luis Elizondo: Good, sir. Good.

Alejandro Rojas: Well, we’ve got a little bit of time so we’re going to have to skip the pleasantries and get right to it. But one of the first things I wanted to mention, just because I was going to ask some questions about some of the stories I’ve written, but in order to kind of get all that in one foul swoop, I essentially, you’ve seen my stories, especially the story about AATIP and how it relates to AAWSAP. And I just want to verify you’ve seen that you’ve seen the stories that they are accurate.

Luis Elizondo: I’m aware of that. Yeah, that’s, yeah, that was fairly fairly, at least from my perspective. Uh, Mr. Rojas, obviously I wasn’t the director of AAWSP, so for me to expound too much on it, I would be qualified to do so. But certainly from, from my perspective that that was pretty, pretty darn accurate.

Alejandro Rojas: Great. And did you see any discrepancy that you can think of at this point?

Luis Elizondo: Um, no, not, I mean, I’d have to review it again, in all honesty, but nothing stands out that, that I looked at that contradicted what, what I know to be true.

Alejandro Rojas: All right, great. Well, let’s get into these questions. So first off, uh, Chris Mellon and Tom Delonge have both made statements about the influence that To the Stars has had on the Navy’s decision to release new UFO reporting protocols. And Anthony Lappe said in an interview that I had with him that this will be reflected in the show and ah, is that true? I mean, did you all have an influence with the Navy?

Luis Elizondo: Yeah, obviously, but it was a team effort. I like to kind of explain why I even joined TTSA in the beginning because I, you know, I resigned from the Pentagon in 2017, um, because, and despite the overwhelming evidence at both the classified and unclassified levels that UAPs are real, they exist. And, um, for me, having the ability to join TTSA, was an honor privilege because of the people you just mentioned. you have folks on there like, like Tom Delonge and like Chris Mellon, Steve Justice, Hal Puthoff, Jim Semivan. These are folks that I knew when my government time to be, particularly from the government side, folks like Chris and Hal and Steve Justice and Jim to be some very, very serious, no nonsense individuals. So basically when you have the ability to join the team made up of such high level, incredible from the military personnel and an Intel personnel, um, you know, you, you do that.

And as a result of that, each one of us has a certain degree of expertise in those areas. The other don’t. And so what you’ll see in the show is each and every one of us engaging different aspects, whether it’s government interaction or legislation or talking to a former military or current military individuals, men and women in uniform. Each of us has a very specific skill set and we don’t, we deliberately don’t overlap each other. Um, because frankly, Chris, no one’s going to be able to understand the bureaucracy like someone like Chris Mellon, um, you know, let’s face it, I kind of make a joke that, but Chris Mellon knows how to swim through government bureaucracy, like a shark. I mean there’s very few people that are as adept and savvy to how governments operate and sometimes don’t operate, even the dysfunction, than Chris Mellon. So he was absolutely instrumental and vital getting this to the forefront of our elected members.

But it wasn’t just Chris, keep in mind you have Tom Delonge and I often say, you know, sometimes in a crowded room you need a megaphone. And Tom Delonge is that person. He’s very, very creative. Uh, you know, we often joke, sometimes you need a bull in a China shop. And from my perspective, Tom is about like a hand grenade and in a China shop. Um, but you need that sometimes if you want to fix something, you’ve got to, you’ve got to break some China. And then you have folks like Hal and Steve Justice from their perspective add a tremendous amount of scientific credibility, with their backgrounds.

Alejandro Rojas: Now in, the History channel dropped some really exciting, uh, clips from upcoming episodes, some Navy pilots talking about a 2015 incident. And from what I understand, a couple of those guys, if not both, are still active. Right? So they would have had to get permission to be on the show.

Luis Elizondo: Roger that. So Mr. Rojas, the way the navy works, you don’t, you don’t come out in public unless you have permission from your public affairs office. So having that endorsement is really, I think, something that’s unique in this show. I’m not aware of any, and I could be wrong, I’m not aware of any other incidents where the government has allowed their active duty members to, to speak on, on whether it’s television or speaking to members of Congress about UAPs I think and the fact that history channel was successful in being able to, to some degree, um, get all of this, capture this as it was unfolding on camera. It’s really a testament to, to the, the approach history channel took when doing the show. This is, as I said before, this is not a UFO hunting show. This is not a, this is not a reality show.

This is a show about reality and they’re fundamentally different. And you can see that when in the way history channel approached this, um, they, even the producers, these aren’t entertainment producers. These are hardened investigative journalists that have spent their days cutting their teeth, looking at the dark underbelly of, of, of, of the human race. They did things such as organized crime and human trafficking and even some of the camera people that were assigned to this effort. Were, were in in combat zones filming US troops under fire. Um, yeah. So this is really a, a different type of program and I think it really is groundbreaking. And from that perspective alone.

Alejandro Rojas: It’s exciting to have such great navy cooperation, I mean in the UFO reporting protocols, but also allowing these pilots to come forward.

Luis Elizondo: It is, and I think that’s also, I think that the Navy also realized what we were doing here. We weren’t, again, it’s because we weren’t trying to do a UFO hunting show. We were trying to, to have an honest conversation about the truth and what’s, what really might be out there.

Alejandro Rojas: Now the DoD has not really been, at least their PAO office has not been as cooperative. Uh, they’ve kind of made some statements that were counter to yours, but in each instance they’ve had to kind of correct themselves and say, oh, well, sorry about that. Lou was right. Why do you think there’s, there’s been this kind of issue?

Luis Elizondo: Well, I, you know, government bureaucracy is large and is complex. Um, I wouldn’t be surprised in the near term if they amend their statement yet again. Um, for the last year and a half, obviously they were quite clear that, um, the program was real and that was part of that program. Um, but you know, people leave office and new people come in. So I think we just sometimes need to give them a little bit of time to catch up.

Alejandro Rojas: Yeah. Right. So, and this is another thing that’s kind of out there and I’ve talked to Eric Davis about this and Leslie Kean, because they’re part of the conspiracy. This idea that there’s this conspiracy and it’s not you all guiding your investigations but some kind of hidden hand up there and that To The Stars is just one part and the New York Times are all involved, you know, in this kind of conspiracy to release information. Um, and of course Eric Davis has called this a conspiracy nonsense and Leslie Kean has said, “no, this is due to our hard work.” Uh, would you agree with Davis and Kean?

Luis Elizondo: I mean, yeah, look, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, right? Hey, not everyone’s going to agree with or necessarily like what, what, what we’re doing, especially when you’re speaking about a topic that is as potentially rich and obscure as, as UFOs are, and so because of that, people are always going to try to poke holes in the story or have their own supositions or inuendos. And you know, that’s, that’s part of the dialogue. Um, in the end of the day, this is a conversation for the American people to have. And, and obviously sometimes you’re going to have people assume false narratives at the end of the day. So the data speaks for itself and you know, people will, will make their own decision. I think at the end of the day they’re going to realize, yeah, this is absolutely going down the way that the New York Times and others like Politico, uh, have reported. They reported very, I think, very accurately and faithfully so far. So, um, yeah, I absolutely support their, their position.

Alejandro Rojas: Now at Tyler Rogoway. He’s a guy who writes for the defense, wrote an article recently and he highlighted, you know, something I love to highlight the hard work that Tom Delonge did to make all of this happen. Um, he kind of takes this perspective that almost even is kind of like the conspiracy guys, at least there’s military involvement and we just talked about how the navy’s being cooperative, but I mean, are your investigations, do you feel, uh, do they guide you at all? Or are they just, are is To the Stars, You, Chris, and the group, do you decide what you’re going to go after?

Luis Elizondo: Well, I, yes, we decide what we we are going to do. But again, you know, if you are living in a neighborhood, you don’t play loud rock, hard rock music at midnight and upset your neighbors. I mean, this is a collaborative effort. Obviously to get the cooperation of the navy, you need to work well with elements within the u s government. So, you know, it’s not a conspiracy we’re going to go ahead and push a certain narrative on behalf of one group of, of individuals or another. Uh, but at the same time too, you know, you have to, if you want the cooperation of the government, you have to work with the government. Um, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Are we being influenced by the government? Absolutely not. That’s that’s nonsense. But are we going to continue to work well with the government? Absolutely. Why wouldn’t you? And this is something that that, look, we wouldn’t have got those three videos released if we weren’t. So, you know, like it or not, it’s in our best interest to, to work in a collaborative, in the spirit of cooperation and collaborate with them.

Alejandro Rojas: Now another thing that’s happened, of course there’s all these controversies that pop up and it’s great to get clarification. Uh, David Fravor was in Oregon and he made ah, was talking about the event, some great stuff, but some people felt he was kind of casting doubt on some of the witnesses, including Kevin Day. I’ve interviewed Kevin Day. He seems like the real deal. I mean, do you vouch for Kevin Day’s testimony?

Luis Elizondo: I mean anytime you have an accident, you get witness testimony for a reason because everybody’s going to view the action and from a slightly different angle. And that’s how you put the piece of the puzzle together, right? The jigsaw puzzle isn’t just one piece. It’s a bunch of pieces and eventually when you put all the pieces together, you get a nice comprehensive mosaic of what the picture is supposed to be. And in this case, I think it’s exactly the same case. I think it’s the old analogy, if you will, of three blind men trying to describe an elephant, right? They’re all describing something completely different and yet it’s really the same thing, parts of the bigger picture. So let’s look at this just very briefly for 30 seconds, Fravor was on the USS Nimitz and he was one of the pilots that actually engaged this thing up close and personal and actually be an eye witness.

But let’s, you know, that was a brief moment in time. Let’s look at Kevin Day. He was onboard the USS Princeton, not the Nimitz, he was on the ship that’s actually designed to look at the, the the combat environment, so to speak, with radar. And so what, what Kevin Day was able to see was certainly a much larger comprehensive picture than, than what you have with Fravor. Fravor is, is an aggressive, rare breed of pilots. As I said before, he’s one of the few people, uh, that, that actually chases down danger, doesn’t run away from it. They actually went towards it. And you want those guys that are fighter pilots, that’s exactly who you want. You know, winning wars on your behalf. Kevin Day is also a graduate of top gun, just like, like, uh, Commander Fravor was and he is one of the most highly trained individuals on the planet regarding the Spy One radar.

So he was in that, on that ship for days and days and days tracking these things. So in essence, what you have here I think are both, I think where, where, where the rub comes, where the frustration comes with the Fravor is Dave Fravor is a fighter pilot. I mean that is, he has been born and bred to do that. And so he is, he’s, if he feels that something or, or, or someone for some reason is not, the information is not consistent with what he’s saying, he’s going to do what he does. And that’s basically call attention to it and say look, I disagree with that, but at the end of the day, I think when you look at this, you do realize that that both, or at least from my perspective and others that work in the government with me that actually both are telling the truth from their perspective. Um, that that’s both accurate information, either one alone.

Alejandro Rojas: Right. So on the show, there were some hints that you’re going to be covering this UK incident, another military incident in Rendlesham forest. And, uh, the New York Times had reported that at AATIP had studied people who said they had experienced physical effects from encounters. Is that what will be covered, uh, on the Rendlesham piece?

Luis Elizondo: Um, I would love to answer that question, but I think it’d be better for the audience to, to, to watch the episode. And it’s not just about a shameless plug for the show, but it’s to just simply answer yes or no would not do it justice. Um, I think what you are going to see is a, is a, a comprehensive picture of the effect on our men and women in uniform. Um, that this phenomenon has. And that may include, that may include even medical effects.

Alejandro Rojas: Wow. And I don’t think you should be shy about plugging the show at all. It’s a great show and, and that’s kind of what we’re here for. But, um, the ADAM project, that’s another one where we haven’t heard a lot of results yet. Are we going to hear results for that in the show?

Luis Elizondo: Um, I, I suspect so, you know, history channel, and you gotta give them credit, they are, when they approach the show, again, this is not, not like a typical entertainment show this is a docu series, they, don’t even allow me to watch the episodes. Um, they, because they want to keep the reporting pure. And so honestly, some of these questions I can’t answer. I don’t know what made it, if you will, from the cutting floor onto TV. So when the audience is watching the episode for the first time, so am I.

And as embarrassing as it may be for me to say the truth is that you want to preserve that integrity when you’re doing a show like this. I think, I think it’s important. So a lot of the stuff you will get to see, I’m seeing it for the very first time as well.

Alejandro Rojas: Gotchya. So here’s another question then related to AATIP work. Um, Bob Lazar was in Oregon and Fravor was there with him. This is a guy who made area 51 famous by saying he kind of worked on this crash retrieval project and him and Fravor seemed to become kind of buddies out there. Uh, now Davis who is one, Eric Davis, who’s one of the contractors with AATIP, doesn’t believe Bob Lazar’s story. However, he told me in a recent interview, he does think they’re have been crash retrieval programs. Have you come across anything like that? Do you think that uh, there have been programs to study, I guess kind of like ADAM, you know, material retreived?

Luis Elizondo: Well sure, I mean the government, the government always has, I mean, we have an entire capability within our intelligence community that, that study, you know, material, whether it’s material from a foreign military, you know, a technology or anything else. We’re always trying to figure out what something is. Um, and that holds true to anything. So as far as specifically confirming whether or not we have a collection capability for the study of UAP, I am going to politely decline from answering that question. I’m no longer in the u s government. And so therefore for me, answering on behalf of the US government with, I think, would not be in good faith. Now, I did state for the record when I was asked on, on a recent interview by Tucker Carlson, do I believe that material exists? Um, I stand, absolutely stand by that statement, but I unfortunately, I don’t think I can elaborate more on that.

Alejandro Rojas: Right. And to clarify, I mean, you believe that likely does exist, but it’s not like something you can prove.

Luis Elizondo: Um, I didn’t say that. Uh, I just, I’m going to probably politely, uh, uh, deflect, deflect that question. But I will, I will say though, the first part of your question about, um, Mr Lazar and Mr Fravor, I never met Mr Lazar, to be honest with you, I don’t have an opinion either way. When I was running AATIP, I deliberately avoided knowing any, and this probably rubs people the wrong way, but I did not study Ufology and Ufologists and, and, and if you will the, the current of, um, of personalities that are involved in it. Um, and I do that deliberately because I want it to remain fair and objective. When we were looking at the data, I didn’t even want that to run the risk of subconsciously having some sort of pre notion of what something is or isn’t. Um, kind of, if you will, influence our, our analysis.

Alejandro Rojas: Right. I’m glad you said that because a lot of people wanted me to ask you about this historical stuff, but I know, just like you just said, you didn’t really look into, uh, the UFO lore out there. So…

Luis Elizondo: I mean, the same reason, honestly, why I don’t offer my opinion very often because I’d rather stay with the facts because at the end of the day, as I’ve told other people, and again, Tucker Carlson, you can be absolutely sure of something and you can also be absolutely wrong. So, um, as long as we stick to the data, I think we’re better off that way.

Alejandro Rojas: There’s been rumors out there that you all have reached out to Lockheed and Boeing, uh, to, to, I guess maybe have them help you on projects. Is that something that happened? Do you think that you’ll be able to work with them?

Luis Elizondo: We’re always looking for partnerships and, and, and, and capabilities. Um, those partnerships are some times, um, sensitive and we have to be mindful of that. Other times, um, they’re not so sensitive. But what I will say is in general terms, we are always looking for opportunities to partner. Um, and I think, I think that’s the responsible way to do business because other companies and other organizations may have capabilities that we can leverage. Um, and you know, we don’t have to spend $1 million doing something. If another company has a capability to do something, you know, that costs much, much less and yet get the same results.

Alejandro Rojas: Right. And you’ve got a former Lockheed exec on your group, Steve Justice, and in the show.

Luis Elizondo: Yes we do.

Alejandro Rojas: And of course we know Tom has, has had conversations with John Pedesta and another, uh, Lockheed exec. So you’ve got, you have some strong advocates.

Luis Elizondo: Well, I think you know that’s prudent, you know, why wouldn’t you want to get some of the very best in the aerospace industry to work with you if you can. Again, I’m not going to go to any type of detail of specifically who or what we’re working on with any organization, but, but yeah, I mean that’s, I think that’s, that makes sense.

Alejandro Rojas: Now, I know we’re running out of time, so, uh, I was wondering if you could talk on, of course, part of the TIC TAC incident that Fravor was involved with was this something possibly underwater. Now on this report that we got that was leaked by George Knapp, uh, they, they talked about they couldn’t get any sonar of this thing. Was there any other information that gathered that verified whether or not there was an object underwater in that incident?

Luis Elizondo: So, information, likeanything else, um, can evolve over time. And sometimes you can get a clear picture or sometimes you get a muddier your picture. Um, and some people are willing to come out later on that weren’t willing to come up before. Um, let me, let me put this in terms of more generalities. Nimitz aside, um, there have been reports of these things potentially operating not just in the atmosphere but potentially in a vacuum environment such as space and even on the water. So for that reason, one of the observables we’ll talk about in the show is transmedium travel. The ability for an object to seemingly perform, uh, without having to change its, its functional design perform the same way, whether it be in atmosphere or in lower earth orbit or perhaps even underwater. Let me give a really quick analogy. If you want to, right now the world is full of compromises and I think that’s true in relationships.

That’s also true in, um, in technology. Do you want to have a plane that goes really, really fast? You think of something like a Concorde. If you want a boat, uh, that, that can, uh, you know, if you will build very fast and probably have a, have a, a race boat, a speedboat, but it’s hard to make a plane, um, that flies really fast into a boat that flies really fast. So if you look at a sea plane, which is kind of a our best way of compromising between air and sea, it’s not really a great airplane. It’ll fly and gets you to where you need to go, but it’s not going to fly super fast and be super movable, uh, cause of pontoons hangin off the bottom of the boat. It’s designed to also be a boat. And if you use a sea plane as opposed, well, it’s probably not going to handle really rough water like a typical boat would be designed to do because it’s the, that is designed for compromises. If you wanted to fly and swim then it’s probably neither going to do very well, um, it can do it, but, but not, not fantastic. So these things don’t seem to have those compromises. In some cases they seem to be able to perform just as easily from one environment to another.

Alejandro Rojas: And to plug a history show, so hopefully they’ll let me get this question in, real quick sentence before your show, what do you think of the ancient aliens theory?

Luis Elizondo: Um, no, I, I really don’t. I think, um, people are absolutely entitled to their opinions and I think we need to, to allow people to have their opinions. That’s what, that’s what this is all about. This is what this country’s all about having. We should never be afraid of ideas. What we should be afraid of is, is a lack thereof. I would rather not have an answer to a question than not have the ability to question the answer. Let me, let me rephrase that again. I’d rather not have the answer to a question than not be able to question the answer, if that makes sense.

Alejandro Rojas: Yup, totally makes sense. All right. I think we’re out of time, so thank you so much.

Luis Elizondo: You got it. No problem, Mr Rojas. Nice talking to you.

Alejandro Rojas: Yup. Absolute pleasure.

Get more information ab0ut Unidentifed at the official website.

Luis Elizondo Interview Transcript http://www.openminds.tv/luis-elizondo-interview-transcript/42397

[ronnykblair]

What’s Next for the Economy and Financial Markets in 2019 and Beyond: The Bull Case and the Bear Case

People often accuse me of being overly negative.

They have a point – I often write about impending doom, the long odds of finance recruiting, and how many industries will collapse.

And I’ve structured my current portfolio under the assumption that the markets will crash sometime in the next few years.

But I’m often wrong.

For example, back in 2008, I was 98% convinced that the finance industry was going to die, but it’s still chugging along 10+ years later.

And then in 2014-2015, I thought inflated assets would come crashing back down to earth, which didn’t exactly happen – at least not in the time frame I expected.

So, whenever I hold a strong view about something, I like to think about the counterfactual: why might I be wrong?

To do this, I’ll consider both the real economy – the one where people buy products and services and earn wages – and the financial markets.

I will focus on the U.S. here because I don’t want to turn this into a novella, but some of these trends and possible outcomes apply to other regions as well:

The Real Economy: Where We’re At Now

If I had to summarize the economy over the past few decades, the chart below might be a good starting point:

Put simply, healthcare and education have become 2-3x more expensive in the past 20 years, while prices of other products/services have risen by 50-60%, in-line with inflation; some have even stayed the same or even fallen.

I don’t agree with the author’s conclusions that this is entirely a story about ��free market forces vs. regulatory capture by government,” though government policies do factor in.

The pricing picture is even more distorted than this chart suggests because people spend far more on university tuition and healthcare than they do on toys or TVs.

To move from prices to employment and wages, Ray Dalio’s article about the Top 40% and the Bottom 60% has good data for different industries:

The message is simple: if you grew your income at a good clip over the past ~20 years, you were probably in business, law, finance, engineering, or certain areas of healthcare.

This chart on CEO compensation and CEO-to-worker compensation from 1965 to 2017 is also instructive:

Yes, that’s right: from 2009 to 2017, average annual CEO compensation increased by 25% to 72%, while workers’ average compensation only went up by… 2%. Or maybe 0%.

The mainstream narrative is that the economy and markets have recovered since the 2008-2009 crash.

After initial declines, GDP began to grow again, employment rose, and wage growth returned – all thanks to government policies and the wise old Federal Reserve.

That mainstream narrative isn’t “wrong,” but it is misleading.

As the data above shows, the recovery benefited some sectors and workers far more than others, and the Bottom 60% is arguably in worse shape now than before the crisis.

Most sources have also ignored that the economy is now entirely dependent on debt to produce growth.

Here are the stats on U.S. GDP and Public Debt over the same period:

1997: Public Debt of $5.4 trillion; GDP of $8.6 trillion (Debt / GDP = 63%)

2017: Public Debt of $20.2 trillion; GDP of $19.4 trillion (Debt / GDP = 104%)

Over these 20 years, $1.37 of debt was required for each $1.00 of GDP growth.

Oh, and that doesn’t even count massive future liabilities like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.

In short, what we experienced since 2008-2009 was not so much a “recovery” as a partial recovery driven by easy money and a massive increase in debt, and which benefited a minority of people in select industries.

If you had wealthy parents, attended an Ivy League school, and went into tech or finance, you’ve probably done well.

And if not, you can look forward to finally repaying your student loans at age 71 – if you make it that far.

Financial Markets: Where We’re At Now

I’ve explained my views on the financial markets in the previous article, so I don’t have much to add here.

Put simply, the Fed, ECB, and BOJ created a bubble by keeping interest rates low for so long and injecting massive liquidity with quantitative easing.

It’s one of the many reasons why the Top 40% has done well over the past decade, while the Bottom 60% is worse off than before.

Now that the Fed is reversing QE, with the ECB set to follow (maybe…), I believe there’s far more downside than upside in the markets.

If you want to see the impact of these policies, compare the U.S. to Australia, where the central bank did not use quantitative easing and did not drop interest rates to 0% in 2008-2009:

Source: Rivkin, Reuters

In the period shown here, Australia’s GDP increased by an average of ~2.6% per year vs. only ~1.5% per year for the U.S., and the average P/E ratios of both stock markets grew by 15-20% following the crash.

Despite that, the S&P 500 increased by nearly 300% from its 2009 low to 2016, while the ASX 200 rose by just over ~100%, ending about 25% higher than its level at the start of 2008.

Yes, these are different economies, earnings growth was different, Australia is smaller and more dependent on natural resource industries, the governments work differently, etc. – but we’re still talking about a 100% vs. 300% difference.

Economic and market recoveries would have happened even without QE and ZIRP, but with those, the stock market went into “bubble” territory.

So, what happens next?

I’ll start with the real economy and go through both cases:

The Real Economy – Bear Case

The Bear Case is simple: the economy becomes even more distorted, and the Bottom 60% keeps falling further behind while the Top 40% gains even more income and wealth.

Similar to the “military-industrial complex” that grabbed hold of the U.S. economy after World War II, the Elite-University-Prestigious-Job (EUPJ) complex becomes even more dominant.

In other words, you can get a good job… in some industries… but only if your parents are wealthy or you borrow a small fortune to attend a top school.

Certain avenues become completely closed off unless you have the right university, degree, and family background, and social mobility falls even further.

Automation and AI eliminate massive numbers of jobs, starting with blue-collar labor, but eventually moving up to some professional jobs as well.

These changes cause social unrest, and the country becomes even more divided along political, educational, and cultural lines.

The Bottom 60% starts to protest violently, and calls for “free everything” grow louder; the Top 40% resists but is eventually forced to retreat.

The government is powerless because it cannot stop 60% of its population from wanting to murder the other 40%.

U.S. government debt grows exponentially higher, and it is impossible to reduce the debt because more and more tax revenue is spent on interest payments.

The USD loses reserve currency status and is replaced by the RMB, and widespread hyperinflation begins, Weimar Republic-style.

The country starts to resemble Argentina: a promising, advanced economy 100 years ago that spiraled into chaos and dysfunction.

The Real Economy – Bull Case

In the Bull Case, the Bottom 60% begins to fare better, social mobility increases, and the two most distorted sectors – education and healthcare – become less distorted.

In the education/career realm, overpriced 2nd and 3rd tier universities start to fail as student enrollment falls.

In their place, trade schools, which cost far less and which teach skills that directly lead to employment, start to take over.

This is already happening in the technology sector, with the rise of 12-week coding bootcamps that lead to 6-figure job offers.

The top universities survive, but they become more of an optional step for wealthy people who want to learn more rather than a requirement to find a job.

It becomes easier to earn money on the side and start your own business due to new marketplaces and skill-sharing platforms; those changes drive small-business growth and wage gains.

In healthcare, many firms start to skip insurance and instead negotiate directly with medical providers – similar to what companies like Whole Foods, Boeing, and Wal-Mart have done.

No longer protected by price obfuscation, these providers are forced to do what every other industry in the world does: reveal their prices for different services.

This pricing pressure forces out a lot of “hospital administrators,” who earn more than actual doctors despite not doing all that much.

Automation and AI destroy jobs, especially for lower-income people, but universal basic income is implemented to help combat some of the social unrest.

To support UBI, existing entitlements change, the government implements a wealth tax, and taxes for upper-income groups increase.

The wealthy agree to it since higher taxes sure beat the guillotine.

While China surpasses the U.S. as the largest economy on a nominal basis, the USD remains the reserve currency, and GDP per capita remains far higher in the U.S.

Financial Markets… Decoupled from the Real Economy?

Now to the financial markets.

Although they are related to the real economy, they’ve become increasingly disconnected over the past few decades, and especially over the past ~10 years.

Something that’s positive for the markets could easily be negative for the economy, or vice versa.

So, it’s a bit tricky to think through, but here’s my take:

Financial Markets – Bear Case

In the Bear Case, the Fed’s monetary tightening and interest-rate increases, combined with slowing global growth and trade wars, result in a massive stock-market correction.

The S&P falls by 50%, and the Fed panics and instantly cuts interest rates to 0% once again.

It also re-starts quantitative easing, this time going beyond Treasuries and mortgage-backed securities and purchasing equities and corporate bonds directly, similar to what the Bank of Japan did.

It doesn’t work as well this time around, so the Fed implements negative interest rates, taking a cue from certain European countries.

Initially, the markets rebound.

Over time, however, the negative interest rates encourage the U.S. government to grow its deficit so much that public debt grows to 200-300% of GDP.

And then… something breaks.

The USD loses reserve currency status, and in its place, investors shift to the RMB, EUR, some “basket” of currencies, or maybe even Bitcoin.

Now forced to pay positive interest, no longer able to service its debt, and unable to raise more debt to fund its deficits, the U.S. induces hyperinflation.

No new wealth is created, and the markets remain at permanent lows.

Once again taking a cue from Argentina, the wealthy begin to store all their money in real estate or offshore accounts to avoid inflation.

Financial Markets – Bull Case

In the Bull Case, the Fed continues to tighten monetary policy and reduces its Balance Sheet to “normal levels” (i.e., Total Assets just above USD currency in circulation) over the next few years.

Interest rates go up a bit but remain below the historical average – which still makes them higher than rates anywhere else in the developed world.

There are several more 10-20% corrections, but no major crashes, and the markets remain muted but not disastrous.

Although the government continues to run huge fiscal deficits, the USD remains the reserve currency, ensuring that the government can keep increasing its Debt / GDP ratio indefinitely (though it eventually stabilizes after tax and entitlement changes).

This happens for one simple reason: yes, the country has problems, but everywhere else has even more problems.

For example, by some measures, China is even more reliant on debt to fund economic growth than the U.S. and other developed economies.

Some smaller economies remain fiscally responsible, but they do not have government bonds in the quantities required to meet investor demand, so the USD reigns supreme.

The stock market returns to its historical average P/E multiple of ~15x, and it records modest gains of 5-10% per year, on average, as earnings grow and multiples stay in a fairly narrow range.

So, What Happens Next? And How Does This Affect You?

Reading over these descriptions, I admit these are pretty extreme scenarios – at least the “Bear Case” ones.

So, no, I don’t think the economy or financial markets will perform as badly as what I described there.

The most likely outcome is that individual elements of these cases transpire, but nothing happens 100% as laid out here.

For example, I would bet a good amount that the current university system will come crashing down in future years, driven by:

Massive student loan defaults and an extremely unpopular potential bailout floated by politicians.

The rise of “trade schools,” such as the coding bootcamps in tech.

The fact that many schools no longer teach anything worth learning but still charge ridiculous sums to attend.

But I’m less optimistic about healthcare; there, I think we’ll need an acute crisis to see real change.

This article was mostly speculation, backed by charts and data, so I’m not sure how many specific takeaways there are for you.

But going back to the “Price Chart” from 1998 to 2018 above, my one piece of advice might be to avoid the sectors where prices have increased by far more than inflation (education and healthcare).

When that happens consistently, it’s a good sign that the sector will eventually come crashing down or otherwise be disrupted.

Aim for industries where prices have increased modestly or even declined, and where wage growth has been strong – software is the best example since wages have jumped 73% even as prices have fallen by nearly 75% (!).

Up Next

In the final article in this series, I’ll discuss recruiting trends and how the market is likely to change in 2019 and beyond.

Until then, what do you think? Are you more optimistic or pessimistic than me?

Or do you interpret this data completely differently?

The post What’s Next for the Economy and Financial Markets in 2019 and Beyond: The Bull Case and the Bear Case appeared first on Mergers & Inquisitions.

from ronnykblair digest https://www.mergersandinquisitions.com/2019-economy-markets-bull-case-bear-case/

[avanneman]

Gregg Easterbrook watches the lying liberal media so you don’t have to

What is the deal with lying liberal media these days, those bad old legacy networks like CBS and NBC, filling the air with their bullshit lies? Deceit is the deal, and the Weekly Standard’s Gregg Easterbrook is on the case. Unfortunately, Gregg, in his role of “Tuesday Morning Quarterback,” tends to hide his epistemological light under a bushel basket full of bad boy blather regarding what’s up, and who’s down, in the NFL. Fortunately, I read Gregg so you don’t have to, and this last Tuesday ole Gregg went on a tear, tearing both CBS and NBC a new one, from which I will quote at length.

First up was the CBS shoot ‘em up Hawaii Five-0,1 which Gregg mercilessly indicts for its cartoonish carnage:

Five-0, a ratings hit, just reached its ninth season. In each season, individual episodes have shown more murders than occur in the actual state in a year. [35 in 2016, Gregg tells us] Five-0 has depicted machine-gun slaughters of surfer dudes and bikini babes on Waikiki beach; gigantic blasts leveling whole buildings in downtown Honolulu; bioengineered diseases causing evacuation of Hawaiian cities; death drones killing hikers and joggers on scenic Hawaiian hills; Honolulu bank robberies involving a dozen hoodlums firing military weapons; wildfires smothering Oahu; exploding tractor-trailer trucks in tourist areas; attacks by helicopter commandos on Hawaiian prisons; murders of the governor and other top public officials; and at least 100 police officers gunned down, significantly more than the total number of law enforcement officers who have died by gunfire in the entire history of the state.

But wait, Gregg’s just getting warmed up. He saves his real fire for Chicago P.D. I’ll quote from what he has to say at even greater length, since he touches on so many things that bother me about virtually all cop shows for the last 30 years—that, thanks to dramatic license/“magic”, we in the audience always know that the “perp” is not only “guilty” but guilty of the most “heinous” crimes, and not only guilty of the most heinous crimes, but a smug, arrogant smart ass as well, and thus all too deserving of getting his ass kicked sans any of this due process shit. What these shows are really about is revenge—we want to see awful people do awful things, and then have awful things done to them in return. Worst of all, as Gregg points out, on Chicago P.D. (which I’ve never seen) the awful people are black and their hapless victims are white.

Primetime American television, which is heavy on crime procedurals, is trebly wrong in its core depictions. First, violent crime is shown as out of control, when actually it is in a generation-long trend of decline. Second, affluent whites are depicted as primary targets of violent crime, when low-income minority group members are far more likely, as a population share, to be harmed. Third, law enforcement agencies are depicted as super-efficient avengers who always get their man, though, as the Washington Post reports, in the past decade, police in the nation’s largest cities have failed to make an arrest in about 50 percent of homicides.

Chicago P.D. takes these structural faults of primetime police procedurals and multiples them, pretending to be realism while relentlessly distorting practically everything about the city’s law enforcement.

,,,

Further troubling about Chicago P.D. is that the show lauds torture of suspects. Brutalized suspects always turn out to be guilty as sin, and the beatings always cause them to reveal information that saves an innocent life. Whether torture could be acceptable if law enforcement knew for sure an innocent life would be saved is a complex moral issue. In real-world policing, detectives rarely know if they have the right guy, while torture is, itself, a crime. Chicago P.D. manipulates audiences into rooting for torture, suggesting cops have godlike powers of knowledge and would never harm a suspect except if given no choice to protect the innocent.

Constitutional protections are laughed at on Chicago P.D. In this season’s premiere, the protagonist busts into the apartment of a dope dealer, threatens his girlfriend, and starts burning the dealer’s $100 bills to get the dealer to admit where the stash house is. The detective has probable cause, so why couldn’t the entry to the dealer’s apartment have been done legally? Because real heroes don’t waste time filling out forms for some namby-pamby warrant!

Chicago P.D. suggests to the NBC primetime audience that crime could end tomorrow if bleeding-heart politicians didn’t tie the hands of heroic cops who inexplicably know exactly where every offender is at every moment and never, ever mistreat the innocent. I wonder if Dick Wolf would want to live in a neighborhood where cops are free to smash down his door and rough him up because only a wimp would go to a judge for a search warrant.

Most disturbing is that Chicago PD depicts police officers as the real victims of urban dysfunction.

In one episode, a foot patrolman chases a murder suspect while loudly yelling “Stop! Police!” After the suspect raises a gun and the patrolman shoots him, the officer is immediately fired, then prosecuted. In another episode, a policewoman observes a murder and shoots the killer while trying to apprehend him; she is fired immediately, without any investigation or union rights. In both episodes, mobs of angry African Americans form outside the precinct house—causing the viewer to perceive police officers as the ones in danger, and blacks as the real threat.

At the end of last season, a decorated detective—shown to viewers as dedicated to protecting the innocent—is sent to prison on a trumped-up charge in order to appease the media and a sinister African-American higher-up. Though the detective’s record is clean, the judge denies bail. As soon as the noble officer is behind bars, he’s stabbed to death by the drug gang that runs the jail.

Why would a judge deny bail to an officer with no prior conviction? “I got a call from the mayor,” the judge explains to the show’s hero. The media and the minority group mobs, it is implied, like to hear that white Chicago cops are being killed.

Maybe there are cities in which mayors telephone judges with instructions, though this is really not how the criminal justice system is supposed to function. But that’s how the criminal justice system is presented to NBC’s primetime audience, in a show that bills itself as the hidden truth about Chicago law.

Yes, we are living in Trump’s America. NBC tells us so.

Afterwords Yes, I am quoting an awful lot of Gregg’s piece, but I don’t see why readers have to wade through 50 column inches of “funny” jokes about wide receivers to find this excellent journalism.

The one thing I would add to this piece, which Gregg actually touches on in his discussion of Hawaii Five-0, is the grotesque overemphasis on terrorism as a threat on these shows. Since 9/11, all of the major terrorist events in the U.S. have been the result of a few individuals, either citizens or long-time residents, acting without assistance from international terrorist groups. We have had no incidents involving "weapons of mass destrution" of any kind, and, as I've said before, those weapons, while terrifying, are not, in fact, "weapons of mass destrution", being no more (and no less) effective than old-fashioned explosives and considerably less reliable.

Typographical trivia, anyone? “Hawaii Five-0” supposedly means “Hawaii 50”, since Hawaii is the fiftieth state. But (I guess) “Hawaii Five Oh” is easier to say than “Hawaii 50”. But CBS “spells” the title with a “0” (zero) rather than an “O” (capital letter). “Everyone” still pronounces “0” as “O” (again, I’m guessing), even though computers have made the distinction significant for almost forty years now. ↩︎