#oh my god you look just like shakira. no no you're catherine zeta

[alexsiple]

hellooooo this month's substack is up. read it here! it's about marina and the diamonds' the family jewels! thx for reading.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/28/2023

accidentally read five books.

listening

look i know there's a new fall out boy but i have conflicting opinions about that band bc i am no longer seventeen.

MARINA (formerly Marina and the Diamonds) was another artist coming up when i was in high school, but even though Family Jewels was one of the first albums i really got into, she has soundtracked far less of my life compared to FOB so listening to her is a little less fraught. nothing else has taken up space in my brain this week like the lyrics to hollywood: "hollywood infected your brain/you wanted kissing in the rain".

kind of obsessed how the music video cuts out an entire chunk of lyrics about dissatisfied flight attendants? also jesus christ this came out in 2010. BABY marina

originally stuck in my brain bc my sister and i were talking about the musical chicago, and this song contains the lyrics "oh my god you look just like shakira/no wait you're catherine zeta/actually my name's marina"

-

reading

Star Wars: Dark Disciple by Christie Golden. ventress has never been my favorite of count dooku’s batmanesque kidnapped children. i respect her! she’s awful! i want to see her flirt with obi-wan more but maul (my beloved) has always had more screen time and depth.

it’s spackled together from most of a cancelled eight-episode clone wars arc and it kind of shows? this is not to say that star wars books are uninterested in the interiority of their characters, but we rarely get in their heads. star wars books are much more focused on what it looks like in the movie— there are big cinematic set pieces where it’s important to know exactly where everyone is in a fight.

golden writes a competent action scene. this is more than i can say for many star wars writers.

^ i am shoving my fist into my mouth and screaming.

anyway, one of my worst character traits is a latent previously discussed fondness for steampunk and a less latent fondness for urban fantasy.

i read Alexis Hall's Iron and Velvet Kate Kane book a million years ago possibly at the rec of @bronanlynchh during the new hampshire internship, one of the worst depressive periods of my life, but i did consume a lot of gay romance during that period. bc im in my noir era now, reread it and realized there were more! so i devoured them all over the weekend.

to quote @quaraxuanzenith who seems to be the only other person here who has read them recently,

have you ever thought, "Twilight sure is a book, but it would be better if Bella ( a ) realized that Edward is a weird controlling creep, ( b ) dumped him, ( c ) came out to herself as lesbian, and ( d ) went off to become a paranormal private investigator"?

these are just fun nonsense! i loved them and will buy paper copies after i move! i would not call these "spicy", but she falls in and out of the arms of SO many femmes and fatales (who sometimes overlap). there are SO many women throwing themselves at her. it is a delightful way of nodding at the genre's roots bc kate has some game! she doesn't have zero game! she not an oblivious useless lesbian archetype either! but she's usually like ?????? this person is OUT OF MY LEAGUE and never actually realizes a tall, tortured, sad, purple-eyed lady in a trenchcoat is catnip to nearly all wlw.

i think the third book hits its stride and flings you into a rapidly entangling web of loyalties and motivations that i really enjoy in a noir. i like how the author feels no need to write the YA vampire book trilogy she survived. i like how kate has a life going on apart from the stuff that happens in the books. she does not feel like she started existing the moment the book opens.

i finally understand the little old lady love of endless mystery series, bc this is some really comforting reading. i would read twenty of these. i trust that this author's got me and may fling some twists or red herrings at me but ultimately i won't turn the page and she'll be beaten in the street for being an out lesbian. okay so she does get whumped in the street but it's for case reasons

-

watching

virtuosity (1995, dir leonard). the tagline of this film is "Hell hath no fury like a composite of 183 serial killers. Meet Sid 6.7"

is this a Good film? oh god no. if you've seen the tv show interview with the vampire, it has the same contrasting vibes between the two leads, where one is turning in an incredible performance about a black man trying to hold onto family and dignity while the other is prancing around like a deranged show pony. except without the clarity of purpose or production values of a big budget amc tv drama. however, russell crowe (guy i love to see) put his whole ass into this performance. this is not a half-assed acting effort. it is a joy to watch him zip around screen while denzel washington is giving a very good performance as a disgraced, widowed ex-cop.

this really throws a wrench into my whole "if a movie is about being afraid of a robot it's about being afraid of women" bc crowe is not a woman, but he is a malevolent neural network given an android body. a private company has a contract for a police training tool (the neural network trained on 183 serial killers who you can fight in VR) and is testing the interface on prisoners. i wish this movie had anything to say or critique about this three-way partnership other than using it as an inciting incident for what turns into a chase movie. the movie does not attempt to convince you this would be a good idea in a different private company's dev team but i wish the movie spent slightly less time going AAAAAA HOW TO STOP and any time at all going AAAAAAA HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN

i would call this film camp on vibes alone except it is almost completely uninterested in sensuality. the special effects have not aged very well at all, but the film has the same production designer (Nilo Rodis-Jamero) as Johnny Mnemomic (also 1995) so the film Looks.

why? it was leaving canopy soon and when my gender isn't "woman in the same way a sailing ship is a woman" it's "nineties movie club scenes"

-

playing

weird west! still! (image from the steam page bc i keep forgetting to take screenshots)

not terribly worried about the somewhat repetitive nature of the locations themselves, bc the enemy encounters are varied enough it feels like solving a new puzzle each time. also im still having fun.

i have been picking off guys from around the edges of enemy encampments with a silenced rifle and then tanking through this rest with a shotgun and liberal bandage application, as i am wont to do in shooty games, but i cannot currently break my husband out of a mine run by...cannibals? human traffickers to the cannibals? the xp-giving bad guys without getting one of my companions killed. i really don't want to ditch ann lara (i'm not entirely sure what her deal is? sort of a smooth-talking hustler archetype? but really good with pistols?) who has been with me for most of the eight hours i've played this game. the sheriff/my neighbor, along for the ride for her own reasons, has four times as much health as either of us so she's staying. she's been the only one left alive most of my attempts at this one FUCKING cave.

so i am looping back out into the world (sorry husband) to go think about some real tactics. practice my dodge rolls in a less tense environment. perhaps level up some guns and armor. now you might say "kay! isn't it worrying that you're hitting such a big difficulty cliff?" and to that i say "not really bc i cannot stress the amount of simply dicking around and exploring ive done, also i am not a clever woman."

-

making

fallow week

[blackwoodbanshee]

type your name + core into pinterest and post the first 9 pictures 🐚🐬🦑

🎶"Oh my god, you look just like Shakira No no, you're Catherine Zeta Actually, my name's Marina" 🎶

[mermaidinthecity]

A fat security making plays for me soon as I touch down in old LA. He said, oh, my god, you look just like Shakira. No, no, you're Catherine Zeta! Actually, my name's Marina. Your mind is just like mine, all filled up with things benign. You're looking for the golden light. Hollywood infected your brain. You wanted kissing in the rain, oh, oh. I've been living in a movie scene. Puking American dreams, oh, oh. I'm obsessed with the mess that's America, ooh. I'm obsessed with the mess that's America.

Hollywood by Marina & The Diamonds

[asirensrage]

A fat security making plays for me As soon as I touch down in, old L.A., he said... "Oh my god, you look just like Shakira No no, you're Catherine Zeta" Actually, my name's Marina

This song has been stuck in my head since I woke up...

[broekhart]

i need to know about declan zeta jones and haunted girl summer

ough sab love you for this

declan zeta jones is the one where nate and sophie from leverage are also brad pitt and catherine zeta jones in ocean's 12 but jordan is brad pitt and declan is a beautiful brunette who is apathetic about his job and they hang out a lot :)

haunted girl summer is the one where niall's poltergeist gets declan FIRED from his internship and he has a complete psychological breakdown about it. and he's a brunette

excerpts below >:)

oh my god he looks just like shakira no no he's catherine zeta:

There are two figures on the beach when Jordan gets there: a giant’s hand breaking out of the earth and reaching into the air like a flower in bloom, and Declan Lynch standing some ways away, studying it. “I always want to climb these things, though I know it’s not good art appreciation to say so,” Jordan announces as she approaches, eyes tracing the curve of Declan’s smile. “It could be argued that the appreciation is in the participation,” Declan deadpans, before adding earnestly, “If you want to, I’ll keep lookout.” Jordan laughs, delighted. Her day, her week, her month was looking up. She loops her arm into his, pressing into him. “The beach is empty, mate. No one can hear us if we scream,” she waggles her eyebrows suggestively and Declan valiantly tries not to laugh.

omg DAD stop HAUNTING me you're so EMBARRASSING:

"This is hell," his father announces, and from the corner of his eye, Declan can see blood pooling around his father's feet, the shiny loafers and Tiffany blue socks he'd died in, the same personal effects Declan had collected in a plastic bag from the morgue, the bag that he hadn't known whether to put in the trunk of his car or in the backseat or in the passenger seat. He'd stood there, parking lot lights flickering on around him as the sun set, unsure of the respect he owed to a dead man's clothes, unsure how far away from the ruined driveway to park when he got back, unsure of whether his mother was still awake. Declan had stood there in the parking lot of the Henrietta hospital with his father's blood on his shoes, and he had been alone.

[7-omen-7]

"Oh my god, you look just like Shakira

No no, you're Catherine Zeta"

Actually, my name's Marina…

[grymmeoir]

“Oh my god, you look just like Shakira, No no, you're Catherine Zeta!”

“Actually, my name's Marina...”

[what-if-nct]

Yuta: Why has Johnny been staring into space for like an hour.

Taeyong: I don't know. I wonder what he's thinking about.

Johnny: *in his mind* Oh my god you look just like Shakira. No no you're Catherine Zeta. Actually my names Marina. *repeats for another hour*

Yuta: it's probably something really profound.

Taeyong: Yeah, just really important things.

[what-if-exxo]

Kyungsoo: Why is Baekhyun like that?

Yixing: Like what?

Kyungsoo: *gestures vaguely at Baekhyun* that.

Yixing: No one knows. I wonder what goes on in his mind.

Baekhyun: *in his mind* Oh my god you look just like Shakira, no no you're Catherine Zeta. Actually my name's Marina *repeats for 10 hours*

[my-chemical-romane]

Do you ever just mind your own business and your brain suddenly goes "Oh, my god! you look just like Shakira... No, no, you're Catherine Zeta! - Actually, my name's Marina"

[princebublegum]

∞

Oh my god, you look just like Shakira

No no, you're Catherine Zeta

Actually, my name's Marina

Your mind is just like mine

All filled up with things benign

You're looking for the golden lie

Hollywood infected your brain

You wanted kissing in the rain.

[nice2mishaa-blog]

Oh my god, you look just like Shakira

No no, you're Catherine Zeta

Actually, my name's Tortilla

[heathermason1983]

OH. MY. GOD. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE SHAKIRA NO NO YOU'RE CATHERINE ZETA ACTUALLY MY NAME'S MARINA