#oh well i have plenty of time to do a 100%(Ish) run later

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!!! <333

[mieczyhale]

you know what i could go for?? [late night ramble journey ahead // i did not re-read this so who knows!!]

an in-depth fic about klaus’s ten months in vietnam.. but with ben there. klaus getting pants and a gun shoved at him and ben is just as confused and freaked out. klaus finding out where they are, or ben finding out and telling him. klaus meeting dave and ben is sitting next to him, side eyeing dave because who is this soldier and why did he come all the way from the back of the bus to introduce himself. ben sees it / can tell when klaus shoves the briefcase under their seat right after and ben’s just like ‘are you fucking kidding me??’ and of course klaus would make stupid decisions because of an attractive man with a sweet smile. so he’s exasperated but also concerned because it’s 1968 and people like klaus are treated even worse now than they are in 2019, way worse, and all of these men are probably straight - dave included. and if any of them are gay they’re not gonna say anything let alone act on it. it wouldn’t be worth it. klaus could get himself hurt or killed just for being himself, if he acts too.. well.. himself after that he stays by klaus’s side more than he did in their own time, which is really saying something. offers advice and wisdom like he always has. he warns him about snipers and mines and bullets and in turn klaus warns his squad. ben can’t lie - it feels pretty fucking good to be responsible for saving lives without having to take any. he still wishes klaus would just try the briefcase, he has it, but at some point he stops pushing. because he does think klaus needs to go back and soon but everytime he brings it up klaus gets defensive and angry - he can do what he wants. he has friends here now. he has a family that actually likes him. that actually cares. he’s considered useful and important and he’s on drugs!! he can get high and none of them think any less of him for it. why can’t ben see that maybe this is where he belongs?? maybe the middle of the fucking vietnam war is where he fits?? and it’s not like he has anyone or anything back home. the only thing he could have missed is ben and ben’s with him in 1968 so there’s literally nothing. and ben wants to yell back, he wants to argue that there’s plenty for klaus to go back to, but he’s realizing that klaus.. might be right. and that hurts. and of course pisses ben off but it hurts because nobody should have to travel back in time and fight in a pointless war to find basic respect, especially not klaus. klaus who has been through enough - who deserves good things more than anyone ben knows. so after that conversation he doesn’t bring it up anymore. he looks at it sometimes, and thinks about their siblings, how they just gained their missing brother only to lose another, how are they doing? have they noticed klaus is missing yet? did they see the motel room?? did they know that all of that blood was klaus’s?? (shh patch didn’t die, hazel and cha cha escaped by knocking her out but she lives because i said so. diego shows up and finds her, freaks out at first but is relieved that she’s fine. he manages to get her to wake up and she tells him that klaus was there. he was hurt, very very hurt, but he got away. she doesn’t know where he went, he crawled through the vent, and he’s gone, diego. you need to find him - he needs a hospital. ahem anyway) ben thinks on these things and it never takes him long to get disgusted looking at it because it contains, in a way, their family. and he thinks he knows the answers. he gets to a point where he decides he wouldn’t be upset if they never had to see those jackasses again. his loyalties lie with klaus, after 13 years together there’s no way they wouldnt be. and if doing what’s best for klaus, doing what makes klaus happy, is staying right where they’ve found themselves than he can deal with it. that’s where he ends up anyway but its definitely not a quick or easy point to reach. he’s there for every battle, all the days of marching, watching klaus kill people and knowing how badly it’s affecting his brother and yet he doesn’t stop. he doesn’t pull back without orders, doesn’t put his gun down until he knows his squad is safe. and that fierceness grows as he gets closer to dave. ben doesn’t know what to think of dave at first, probably doesn’t trust him - knowing every man klaus has ever found attractive or had a “relationship” with before - but ben literally watches this - admittedly handsome - soldier boy fall in love with klaus, and klaus with him. ben witnesses the disco. the private conversation - from a distance, he’s doesn’t feel quite right listening in and he can still see them. the way they look at each other. how gently dave approaches every moment with klaus - the hand on his cheek, their first kiss (which he WILL tease klaus about later) when they head back to the hotel that was booked for all the guys for r&r, ben decides to wander saigon instead because he’s pretty sure he knows where things are going to go considering klaus and dave are roommates (oh my god they were roommates) by the time he gets back they’re both passed out (in the same bed. as he expected) from that day forward klaus is happy, genuinely happy in a way ben can’t remember him ever being, and dave has of course gained ben’s full approval (especially when klaus tells dave about the ghosts and dave believes him. even turns to where klaus is pointing at ben and tells ben that he’s happy that klaus has at least one good sibling, that he’s happy to know ben is there. when dave knows ben is there he always greets him. it’s not anything that grand really but it means a lot to ben. and when klaus finally tells him about the time travel, a little later on, dave believes him then too. said it made sense because he always thought there was no way someone as incredible as klaus could’ve come from the same place as he himself - let alone the same time. it never seemed to.. fit) SO ben is a fan. and he stays by both their sides - keeping them alive as best he can - along with a few other ghosts who are coherent, previous members of the 173rd, who pass things on to ben when klaus is too high. they talk, as long as no one but dave is around - dave who adapts pretty easily to klaus holding a whole conversation with someone he can’t see or hear. and ben.. stays ben. the only thing being in the war really changes is the way he views their siblings and he now has one other live person that he can “talk” to. eventually, almost 11 months in, they find out they’re getting sent to the frontlines. even closer to the danger. and klaus has a bad feeling. this is when ben brings up the briefcase again, hesitantly, and before klaus goes off reminds him that they could take dave with them. if he wanted to go. klaus can return to their time, to relative safety, and still have dave. it’s no longer a ‘one or the other’ situation. all they have to do is get dave to say ‘yes’. he says it very quickly of course (if you think i’d let dave die you’re out of your goddamn mind) he can be tough and feral when he needs to be, when pushed if klaus is in danger but he isn’t a killer, he doesn’t want to be a killer, he wants out. but he also wants a life with klaus and while they talked about going back to the states in.. well.. dave’s time and getting a little house and all that - doing that in 2019 sounds much better. especially after the night klaus told him softly about how things were different for lgbtq+ people, how they could hold hands and be as out as they wanted. get married. adopt. all things dave spent his whole life believing he’d never be allowed to have. so they do it - right then. klaus pulls out the briefcase and they gather the few things they wanted to keep and in a bright light they’re gone. (maybe they said something, or goodbye, to each squadmate before leaving. maybe they didnt and it hurt but if they waited around to get through everyone it would be too late to run) AND OH!! they take the ghost soldiers with them / the ghost soldiers find them in 2019, because i’m a slut for klaus having good ghosts, friend ghosts, who - even if they died horribly, are still the same person they were alive. and maybe sometimes they look like their deaths and sometimes they can look normal - ben teaching the soldiers how to be ghosts?? including how to appear as you were; whole, no holes or blood or missing limbs or chunks of head blown off. they’re all grateful and so is klaus. tho listen: he still gets high because i fucking said so - however, at least until the world is saved, he sticks to cigarettes and - for sleeping purposes - pot, dave does as well. because dave isnt a square. maybe he sticks to that path afterwards. maybe not. i for one support everything except 100% sobriety 100% of the time in this instance  anyway: later on when klaus can make ben corporeal for any amount of time he wants ben tells their siblings about the real life romantic drama he got to watch close up, from their first meeting all the way to the return to 2019. he also mentions a lot of things about the war, the sights and sounds of senseless murder - something their brother and his boyfriend were forced to take part in - the wounds they had to deal with, heal through. klaus and dave definitely have some scars. the fear. and that’s after telling them about hazel and cha cha and the almost two days they had klaus and nobody noticed. (maybe klaus lets his siblings meet the other soldiers, maybe not. maybe he lets them wander the mansion corporeal to scare the shit out of people. who knows) ben wants to make their siblings feel bad. he wants them to hurt and feel guilty. it’s the very least they deserve he thinks, when it’s all said and done. he hasn’t been able to say anything to them for 13 years and he’s got a lot of things built up - but gotta say, the last year (five-ish days?? starting at ep.1) have really taken the whole goddamn cake. klaus is embarrassed and shocked and actually quite touched that little benny is really going feral for the first time - though he keeps trying to tell him none of it is a big deal. he doesnt like confrontation. dave however is extremely pleased by the whole thing. klaus kept saying he and ben would get along if they ever got to meet and he was right. ben had, with a serious face, dubbed them the klaus hargreeves love & protection squad (bc dave doesnt know what the fuck even a ‘meem’ is yet) and that’s that. they make up a handshake and everything. klaus has never felt so loved. 

aaand eventually klaus and dave and ben (because of course he’s invited) do get that little house away from the city - someplace with few to no ghosts. someplace they can make their home. they make sure it has a room they can make up for ben even though he doesnt sleep (he still deserves his own space. a place to get away from them if he wants. somewhere to put his books and such. ben doesnt get emotional about that at all. absolutely not.) and they get pets and klaus gardens and ben reads books about gardening so he can help and dave works (mechanic is always a good time. or bookstore owner!! coffee shop?? listen. those may or may not be my favorite aus) and maybe the siblings get to visit and maybe they mend things and bond or whatever idk THE POINT IS:: Ben is a good brother and i think the idea of him going through vietnam with klaus is interesting and if someone with more ideas/thoughts ever wrote this i would be on that like cheese on broccoli honestly. THE SECOND POINT IS:: Klaus and Dave deserve to be happy and have the life they dreamed about together and if they shared their home with anyone it would be the Bentacles SO… OKAY…  that definitely did it’s own thing but i really really genuinely love thinking about what those months would have been like with ben there - what he would have thought or said or done about things yknow?? and how that would have affected klaus/changed things. i didnt give a lot of examples in this because my brain didn’t want to stay on track (as if it ever does) but it’s 1:30 in the morning and im so fucking tired lsdfd;lk if you actually read this.. first of all: im sorry. second of all: thank you. and literally if anyone ever wrote something about this topic (not like.. this post specifically, just the ben in vietnam plot) and nobody important dies i’ll love you and give you a lil smooch on the noggin  s m ooch. smooches. you know who likes smooches?? klaus. you know who deserves smooches?? klaus. you know who’s getting smooches?? THAT’S RIGHT. KLAUS. because dave has a degree in giving them and he can’t let that education go to waste amiright??

this post.. may or may not have been brought to you by wine as well.. 

ope

[taehyungiejiminie95]

BTS Reactions – You bump into them

You glance to the side to pull your face out of the harsh winter winds. It’s getting colder, and it’s both exciting as you pull towards the holiday season and annoying as you wear through your favourite pair of winter boots. At least this is your last class of the day before you can head home for a hot drink and favourite film. It hasn’t been the best week in the world, if you’re honest with yourself. First of all there was that altercation with your professor-

“Oh!” You gasp, pain spiking through your thigh as you’re knocked to the floor. You’d been so busy wrapped up in your thoughts that you hadn’t seen someone barrelling straight into you. They’d knocked you straight down, and now you’ve landed butt-first on the freezing cold ground. You look up with a scowl to face the inconsiderate perpetrator.

Jin

You’re stunned by the face of the man standing above you, eyebrows pulled together in a clear show of apology. He leans over you in all of his beauty, and you suddenly find yourself not so angry about having been knocked over. This man, whoever he is, is quite possibly the most attractive man you have ever laid your eyes. You’ve never been very tactful with people you have a crush on, and this is no exception,

“I’m very sorry, I must not have been watching where I was going,” You nearly melt at the sound of his melodic voice and smile back sheepishly, scrabbling for the words you need to reply to him before coming across as some sort of idiot,

“No, it was me. I was in such a hurry I forgot there was other people running around as well,” You blush, instantly cringing at the words that slip from your lips. But the handsome man just smiles and extends a hand to help you up, which you take gratefully. He grips your hand with one hand and your arm with the other, helping you up in a much more graceful manner than you would have managed on your own,

“If you say so,” He smirks playfully, “Anyway, after knocking you over, the least I can do is walk you to your next class. I’d hate for you to get knocked over by someone else in your haste,” He suggests, not letting go of your arm in quite a gentlemanly way as he guides you in the direction you had previously been going, “It’ll give me the chance to get to know you as well. You’re very pretty,” You choke on your own spit at those words.

Yoongi

“Oh for crying out loud,” You hear an exasperated voice mutter impatiently. Your eyes lock onto a small-ish man, wrapped up warmly to protect himself from the cold, who is clearly deciding whether or not to just bolt off and leave you on the ground. You roll your eyes as you resign yourself to getting up alone, and start silently praying that you won’t slip and fall over again on the icy floor. You probably already have one hell of a bruise to deal with, and you certainly don’t need another of your own doing. Somewhere between mentally cursing that man and wondering how you’re supposed to get up safely, you forget to register a gloved hand wrapping itself around your hands and pulling you upright,

“What are you doing?” You squeak, shocked by his deceivingly strong pull and the fact that he just grabbed your hands despite never having met you before,

“Helping you up. Clearly. I didn’t mean to knock you over, I’m just in a massive hurry. You’re probably freezing,” He rolls his eyes as he checks his watch, cursing under his breath, “So with that in mind, I guess I owe you a coffee or something. If you’re around at 5, wait inside the doors of the music block and I’ll meet you. If not, I don’t care. I really have to go,” The man’s words come nearly as fast as you can process them, and before you can reply he’s darting off in the same hurried stride that caused him to bump into you,

“Hey!” You shout, hoping he’s able to hear you. He’s made quite the distance already, “What’s your name?”

“Yoongi!” He calls over his shoulder. You barely catch it over the howl of the wind, but smile slightly to yourself. Looks like ‘Yoongi’ is going to be buying you your favourite Starbucks order later.

Hoseok

“Oh no! I didn’t even see you there, are you okay?” A loud voice calls, and then a friendly face pops up into your vision. Upon seeing that you are not, in fact, dead (as they had instantly and unnecessarily worried could have happened on such slippery floor) a wide and warm smile instantaneously splits across their face, “Let me help you up, you must be freezing down there,” The man stays true to his word and helps you right yourself on your own two feet before stepping back with the worry of someone who’s built a very unstable tower. You can’t help but giggle slightly, prompting the man to ask if you really are okay, and if you hit your head,

“No, nothing like that. You’re just very kind to help me up like this. I’m having the kind of week where people just walk straight past without sopping,” You confess with a sheepish smile. Th mean looks horrified at the thought, and quickly shakes his head,

“Don’t be ridiculous, how could I walk past after barrelling into you like that? It was totally my fault anyway, I wasn’t looking at what I was doing and where I was going,” He reassures you, “Anyway, who are you? I feel like I owe you a coffee or something for the trouble. I’m Hoseok,” He tells you, talking at a very excitable 100 miles per hour. You decide that you like him, and hasten to tell him your name before letting him guide you towards the campus café. Your next class isn’t even that important really, you decided as Hoseok ushers you into the warmth and tells you to pick any hot drink and any snack you want. Definitely not important, compared to this…

Namjoon

“Oh no, not again,” You hear a harried voice mutter from above you. You squint into the wintery sunlight to try and see the man who apparently has this happen on the regular. Before you get to see through the glare of the sun, you have a firm hand on your hands that’s pulling you up. You stumble a little as you find your footing, before finally meeting the eyes of the perpetrator, “I am so sorry. I’m just the clumsiest person on this whole planet, I was looking where I was going and it still happened, I pretty much just suck at avoiding accidents,” He rambles sheepishly, a light blush kissing the tips of his ears,

“Don’t worry, no harm done,” You tell him comfortingly, and he thanks you with a less sheepish smile. You introduce yourself quickly, and shake his hand as his smile widens once more. You’re suddenly hit with the realisation that this man – this clumsy, very tall, man – is incredibly good looking,

“And I’m Namjoon,” He smiles, before checking his watch with a jolt, “I’m also late for my next class. It was lovely to meet you, and I’m sorry for bumping into you! I hope you’re not bruised or anything. I’ll see you around!” He calls half over his shoulder as he turns away, pulling his coat tighter around him and hurrying away without looking back. You wave half-heartedly at his retreating figure before turning away and heading in the direction of your class, cursing yourself for not getting his number or something. Oh well, you tell yourself, there are plenty of other opportunities, you suppose.

Jimin

The face of who is essentially the campus’ poster boy stares down at you with concerned eyes. You almost choke in shock – imagine the Park Jimin being so rude as to knock down a walking student! He almost looks as if he’s going to cry,

“I am so sorry! I was so busy thinking about things I wasn’t even looking at where I was going! You must be freezing down there, please let me help you up,” He gushes, pale cheeks starting to flush pink slightly. You try to smooth your frown into a smile as best you can, not wanting to upset Jimin any further. He’s just so kind to everyone, and making him fret kind of feels like kicking a puppy. You take his hand graciously and stand up, brushing off your leg as you do,

“Don’t worry about it, I was just as preoccupied,” You reassure him, readjusting your bag slightly, “We all have days like this,” Jimin nods in a solemn way, before bursting out into a heart-stopping smile and thanking you for being so understanding, “Don’t mention it. I won’t keep you for long, we both probably have somewhere to be! I’ll see you around,” You reply, trying to play it cool. There’s nothing Jimin doesn’t do at this college – student body, dancer, singer, sports, top of every class and a regular heart breaker. He always turns down those who make an advance, so despite your slight crush on him, you say nothing,

“Yeah, definitely,” He nods a little too eagerly, his smile not faltering for even a second as you go on your way. If his eyes linger on your retreating form for just a few moments too long, nobody really notices.

Taehyung

“Woah!” An excited voice shrieks from somewhere behind you, “Guys, you go on! I’ll catch up in a second,” They call. The statement is followed by heavy footsteps and then a wide boxy smile appears just inches above your face, “I didn’t even see you there, you were in such a hurry!” They explain, “Here, take my hand and I’ll help you up,” You oblige quickly, a little overwhelmed by their bubbly nature and clear ability to hold a whole conversation one-sidedly, “I’m Kim Taehyung, who are you?” They ask with that sustained eagerness. You can’t help but smile at the cute guy as you tell him your name, “That is such a pretty name! So, where about are you headed? I feel awful for knocking you over, so I’ll walk you there. I’ll be able to get to know you as well,” He beams, and you wouldn’t be able to refuse even if you wanted to,

“I’m heading in that direction for my next class,” You explain, pointing the way you’re heading. Taehyung smiles in response and ushers you onwards. It’s a short walk to your lecture room, but Taehyung is a natural at conversation. By the time you arrive outside the room, you feel like the best of friends. Taehyung turns to you with that same boxy smile,

“Here’s my number,” He tells you, scribbling on a piece of paper he magicked from his pocket and handing it to you, “Text me if you ever want to hang out. You seem really nice and I would love to be able to see you after not nearly killing you on the super dangerous and icy floor,” Taehyung continues. You take the paper with a nod, assuring him you will, “See you soon then!” He chirps, before darting off in the same way that he appeared.

Jungkook

The man stood above you looks a little lost as he whips his head around, clearly in a rush himself. You can almost read the turmoil on his face as he’s torn between hurrying off to wherever he needs to go and doing the right thing by making sure you’re okay. You can also pinpoint the exact moment he makes his choice, kneeling down on the icy floor beside you. With a sad smile, he dips his head in an apology as he helps you pick up your things, which had spilled when you fell,

“Sorry about this. I’m late to meet a friend, and he hates when I’m late,” He tells you, his messy brown hair falling into his doe-like eyes. You smile reassuringly as you stand up (nearly slipping over again) and take your things back from him,

“I know the feeling. I’m always running around 5 minutes late for everything,” You confide, and the man laughs – he really laughs. He sounds carefree and young, and even though he can’t be much older than about 20, it still manages to make him look even younger. He tells you his name (Jungkook) with a shy smile and you tell him yours, before the both of you fall into an awkward silence. Even though you’re both in a hurry, it’s like neither of you quite wants to leave yet,

“Could I maybe- uh- well, could I- get your number maybe?” Jungkook asks, face flushing despite the cold. He comes across as someone who’s quite confident, but maybe there’s something else under all of that. You nod your agreement as he hands you his phone and you rapidly type in your number, fingers shaking slightly in excitement. Who knew your day could pick up like this? Maybe it isn’t quite the worst day of your life.

[popculturebuffet]

Paul Dini’s Jingle Belle: “Sanity Clauses” review or Santa’s Court Ordered Family Therapy Holiday Special

Merry Christmas everyone! I”m finally back on the reviewing reindeer after a week out with a cold, aside from the usual ducktales review, and it’s once again a comission from friend of the blog and the only guy who pays me for reviews weirdkev27. If you have your own holliday hyjinks you’d like me to review I do reviews of television and comics for 5 dollars an episode/issue, wtih variable prices for trades in comics case depending on length. Hit me up via my dm’s here on tumblr or send me an ask for my discord if you want to know more. WIth that plug out of the way away we go.  This one was a bit unusual... in that when Kev bought it up I assumed he was going to buy a few issues of Jingle Belle, Paul Dini’s creator owned character we’re talking about today, and just have me review those. What I didn’t realize is he was buying me the full package, a collection of pretty much every jingle belle tale, as well as the released after it “Handmade’s Tale”. one shot. So yeah, while I had’nt really thought of rules for this kind of thing before from now on your free to buy a work for me to review... just keep in mind i’ts both not required for me to review something, and will not wave the commission fee as I use those fees to pay bills, buy things I need like charger cables, and just generally keep my bank account afloat while I look for a day job. 

But... since I hadn’t firmly established any of this yet, and since Kev’s gift means a bunch more commissions from a guy who not only made sure I could afford Christmas, but who has provided me steady work while i’m out of work... this one’s on the house.  So with all the jargon settled, who is Jingle Belle? Jingle Belle is an indie comics character created and owned by Paul Dini in 1998. Paul Dini is an animation god, who thanks to this review I know more about his career than I did before and as much as I always should have. Dini got his start in the 80′s, writing for everything from He Man to Gary Coleman Adventures, before getting called up to the big leagues for Tiny Tune Adventures around the time of the animation renaissance. To my shock, as  I wasn’t aware he wrote for that fine program, he wrote 35 episodes including my personal favorite Prom-ise her Anything.  But while a talented comedy writer, his main talent would show when he moved on to Batman the Animated Series as a writer and story editor. He was one of the main creative forces along with Bruce Timm, with the two going on to make the DCAU, aka some of the best superhero shows ever made, after already making easily one of if not THE best with BTAS. And Timm’s influence showed, Co-Creating Harley Quinn with Timm, and writing the series best episode Heart of Ice, which reworked Mr Freeze from a hoaky silver age villian into the tragic and thoroughly sympathetic character he’s been since that episode. Seriously that’s another one to add to the review pile.. which is giant and sentient at this point. And seriously EVERY episode on his imdb page credits is an utter classic and one I remember fondly. The guy is one of the most talented and seemingly nicest guys in the business and both the world of batman and the world of animation owe him a LOT.  So to my surprise, I found out in the 2000′s he had a comic, Jingle Belle.. then for whatever reason just never dug into it till now. But now post digging Jingle Belle is Paul Dini’s long running series of one shots and series at various companies following the adventures of Santa’s rebellious teenage-ish daughter.. techincally she’s in the 200′s but still looks and acts like a teenager. The idea came about when he got a christmas card from Stephen Speilberg, and wondered how the kids of famous folks dealt with that and if they resented their famous fathers. And whose more famous than santa?. The series spins both out of that brilliant idea and out of Dini’s love for sunday comic strips, back when the panels were larger and creators were given more freedom to go nuts, though even today i’ve seen plenty of great stuff so it’s not all lost pauly.  So in that spirit rather than one long ongoing Jingle Belle is instead a series of one shots, stories in anthologies and what have you, one and done stories more focused on the comedy. The comic has bounced around from various publishers, starting as something pitched to Oni Press, home of Scott Pilgrim and not much else, and has bounced around various publishers since, most recently ending up at IDW, where the trade i’m reading from comes from. So how does a great concept from one of the world’s most creative minds shake out? Let’s unwrap this present and find out. 

We open with an appropriately christmasy rhymey opening as we get the story of Jingle Belle: She’s the daughter of santa claus and mrs. claus, in this case the Queen of the Elves. Which isn’t established until the next story but whatever. And as you’d expect she grew up a cheery, rosey little girl who loved helpiing dad in the workshop.. then everything changed when puberty attacked. 

As you can see Jingle is now your standard Bratty Teenage Daughter sterotype. At least in this story. See this initial story feels much like a pilot: It’s clear things aren’t ironed out 100% for the idea, and i’ts more a self contained way to get across the general idea, that being Santa has a rebellious teen daughter, via what comes off as an snl skit in comic book form. THat’s not an insult, it’s a GOOD snl skit, and I am genuinely surprised only one movie company’s attempted adapting this comic: the concept is great. I’m just letting you know what i’m working with is all. 

So naturally as a high concept comedy skit, Jing soon, after sharing some cigarettes with the local eskmo boys and accidently lighting her Reindeer’s butt on fire and wrecking her sleigh and some surrounding property, Santa is at his witt’s end and we end up in family therapy. And honestly.. Santa in a family therapists office is a great concept. IT’s why I compare it to a sketch: It’s just a simple one line proposal that’s really damn funny and really damn eye catching. It’s often REALLY hard to get a good santa parody going, so I admire how well he pulled it off here.  But what really centers it is Jing giving her side, making her a bit more than the mostly one dimensional bratty rebellious daughter she’s been pegged as. Oh sure tha’ts still mostly what she is here, I’ll leave it to later stories to flesh her out hopefully, but she gives vallid reasons WHY she acts out: She points out no one even knew Santa had a daughter, and she has no songs or specials or any of that about her. The most Santa can offer up is “Jingle Bells” because the boys say “jingle all the way”... which really, especially in 2020, just makes HIM come off worse for not only slut shaming his daughter, but that the best defense he can offer is “Well some local boys talk about how you boned them that counts right?”. 

That.. poorly aged joke aside Jingle brings up another good point on how sh’es on his shit list.. errr.. naughty list. Still a good gag. And yeah the therapist is understandably surprised Santa dosen’t give his own daughter presents, though his wife does give a valid counter to that: He has to hold a higher standard than anybody. 

And that’s why I’m really intrigued by this concept and want to read more: WE have plenty of stories about Santa’s kids, i’ll grant, from him adopting a kid like in elf, to him passing on the legacy with films like Arthur Christmas and Fred Claus, or even just films about his legacy, like the Santa Claus, aka that time Santa died and his clothes forced Tim Allen into a job he dosen’t want with weight and beard gain he didn’t ask for via yuletide mummy’s curse to become the new santa and nearly loose custody of his child. What i’m saying is the concept is inherently fascinating and The Santa Clause is deeply terrifying if you stop to think about it for two seconds.. as is the sequel what with it’s Nazi Robot Santa Claus Tim Allen. Yes really. 

But this one’s unique in that it’s not about the legacy. Oh sure Santa tries to get Jing interested, and his last attempte wound up with them having to take the bus, another great gag and i’m glossing over most because this is a very funny little comic, but the main focus is more on what kind of pressure that puts on a kid: wouldn’t you rebel too if your parents wanted you to be perfect and to follow in the family business of being basically a perfect human being? Jing herself sums it up perfectly towards the end of the story. 

Granted after a tearful hug, Jing internally says “that new snowboard is mine.. but i’ts hard not to feel that a godo chunk of this is genuine. Sure she’s playing her parents a bit but.. you’d crack too if your dad was freaking Santa. I’m really intrigued to see where this goes both comedically and character stuff wise. 

So we end on another christmasy narration bit as Belle plays good for a while, snapping only when it docent seem like she gets her snowboard. A comedy ending and an eh one. Not the best honeslty, I feel the comci would’ve been better ended just at the snowboard is mine bit, but i’ve seen worse. 

Final Thoughts: A really good story. WHile it’s rough around the edges, clearly Dini and others have buffed them out over two decades, and i’m really intrigued to see more of this this holiday season and others. Again some parts, mostly playing Jing being sexually liberated for “OH HAW HAW SHE’S A SLUT” laughs is cringe inducing, but most of the jokes have aged well and for a pilot it’s not bad. I really look forward to reading more of the character and diving into her this season and beyond. 

Until then be good to one another, have a happy holidays and always remember: There's  always another rainbow. 

[rhetoricalrogue]

And now for something completely different

@alittlestarling and I were plotting an AU of our squishy mage children when she mentioned in passing another AU where Vincent wasn’t in the picture and Roz and Rolfe had met in Haven instead.  To say that I was a) excited about this idea and b) completely SOLD on the pairing is a gross understatement.

This is 2,000-ish words of 100% rough and unedited writing, but  the prospect of a new pairing knocked a bunch of rust off my stagnant writing gears. Enjoy the start of an AU of an AU!

Upon meeting one of the fledgling Inquisition’s leaders, Rolfe Trevelyan, senior member of a secretive order of spies, trusted bodyguard to the Chantry’s upper echelon, confident musician and charming rogue, found himself desperately wishing that the earth would open up and swallow him whole.

Rolfe had plenty of time to craft his introduction on the trip from Orlais to the snowy backwater village of Haven.  Considering that both the Left and Right Hands of the Divine were both involved with what most of the remaining Chantry leaders were calling a heretical group, he’d decided early on that honesty would be the best policy while explaining his presence.  His superiors had ordered him to investigate the Inquisition, to survey the damage of the destroyed Conclave, and to verify reports that Chancellor Roderick had been sending back about a redheaded nobody of a mage that Rolfe was almost certain was named Rosalind - or maybe it was Rosmund; for someone who handled the Divine’s correspondence and was responsible for communicating her will to the rest of Thedas, Roderick was dismissive of the woman’s name at best and downright inconsistent with names at worst - and weigh the threat she supposedly posed to the world with his own eyes.  He had gone over what he would say time and time again, mentally editing and polishing until each word shone like freshly-minted coppers.

The last leg of his journey had him practicing a charming smile as a way to distract himself from the biting cold and the wind that cut through his cloak and the multiple layers of clothing he wore underneath.  He took some time to straighten his cloak and make sure his hair was in some semblance of order while he took in what could only be defined as a refugee camp.  This was no army ready to overthrow the Chantry, this was a gathering place for people running from the chaos in the Hinterlands, both from the conflict between mages and Templars as well as from the demons pouring out of rifts in the sky.  Ever observant, he made a note of the few handful of people teaching farmers and stablehands how to make use of the pointy ends of swords with varying degrees of success.  

His steps faltered at the first glance of Cassandra Pentaghast, the former Right Hand of the Divine.  He’d only seen her from afar once or twice in his twenty-year tenure in the Chantry’s service, and was unprepared for the combined sense of competence and almost cowing intimidating presence she radiated.  He was both impressed and intrigued as he veered away from the makeshift training grounds and made his way further up the hill towards the Chantry.

“Ser Rolfe Trevelyan, of the Order of the Sacred Flame,” he muttered under his breath, passing a dwarf huddled by a fire who was not-so-quietly complaining about the cold.  Rolfe could have sworn he had heard him comment about how he should have never left Kirkwall, but he wasn’t quite sure.  “Ser Alexander Caldwell sent me on behalf of…”  He rounded a corner and froze to the spot when he spied a flash of red inside a tent set up just outside of the Chantry doors.  His mouth went dry and his tongue glued to the roof of his mouth.  All sense of charm or good manners seemed to abandon him as he made his way inside.

He didn’t get but a foot inside when the woman turned at his presence.  “Ser Rolfe Trevelyan,” she said, tipping her head in recognition.  “I should have expected the Order to send their best agent.”

Rolfe opened his mouth, his well-practiced speech evaporating from his lips just as his breath fogged in front of his face.  “Sister Nightingale knows my name?”

An hour later, Rolfe found himself wedged in a corner of the Singing Maiden, a watered down mug of what could only be considered “beer” consoling his battered ego.  He’d bungled up the only chance he had at making a first impression, but had luckily recovered soon after.  His explanation for his presence had been received with cool eyes, Sister Leliana’s gaze seemingly cutting through him more keenly than the wind around them, yet chilling him to the bone in the same manner, if not even more so.  She’d raised an eyebrow as she listened, and Rolfe had the distinct impression that had she been displeased with his reasons for his arrival, she would have dispatched him on the spot.

At least Commander Rutherford was a bit less of a challenge, he thought, sipping at his drink.  He made a face and pushed it to the side, offering it to a man with soot-covered hands and the look of a local blacksmith, fishing under his cloak for a silver flask and taking a swig of premium Antivian brandy, the liquor warming him from the inside out.  Commander Cullen had been skeptical of Rolfe’s arrival, yet practical enough to offer a curt greeting and take him up on an offer to help train anyone who showed more promise with daggers than with sword and shield.  Seeker Pentaghast had given him a dismissive snort when he made an offhand comment that not everyone could be blessed with her proficiency in weaponry, but he was certain that he had caught the faintest tinge of pink dust her cheeks at his comment.

“The Herald would be here to welcome you,” Ambassador Montilyet had explained, “however, she is currently traveling through the Hinterlands seeking support before journeying towards Orlais.”

It had been disappointing that Rosalind - the Herald of Andraste’s name had been Rosalind - hadn’t been present, but it gave Rolfe some time to figure things out now that he’d been welcomed and not immediately told to shove back off to Orlais post-haste.  After his brief meeting with her advisers, he’d taken a short tour of Haven and had the misfortune of running into Chancellor Roderick himself.  The man was trying his best to incite division within the population seeking aid and break up the Inquisition from the inside out.  Rolfe found himself disliking him immediately.

He shuffled closer to the corner of the table he had secured and scanned the crowd.  Taverns and inns had long since been familiar and welcome places to him and even in the midst of all the current upheaval, the Singing Maiden proved to be no different.  There was a certain sense of comfort in the scenery and Rolfe’s people watching skills came out to play.  He briefly entertained himself with making up professions and identities for the anonymous patrons.  He was halfway through imagining that the woman perched on a stool near the worn and scarred bar was a noble in exile when the door opened and a small, well-bundled up woman came through, a hood and scarf wrapped around her head.  She briefly stopped at the fire next to the bar to warm her hands before taking the mug the barmaid offered her.  Whoever she was, no one seemed to pay her much mind as she wove her way through the crowd, eyes scanning for an empty seat.

Ever the chivalrous type, Rolfe stood and waved her down.  “Fancy a seat?” he asked, habit making him flash her a smile that showed off a dimple on the right side of his cheek.

She paused and gave him a quick once-over.  Now that she was closer, Rolfe could see that the tops of her cheeks and end of her nose were red from the cold.  “Depends, does it come with a price?”

He leaned his hip against the edge of the table.  “Only the price of  my company, my lady.”  Her hands were soft looking, so the brief thought that she could have been a baker or a shopkeep fled from his mind.  Perhaps she was the noble in exile, though the way that she sipped at her drink - tea, from the looks of the leaves floating on the surface - quickly made him think otherwise.  She regarded him with bright blue eyes that reminded him of a summer sky, a dusting of freckles that showed up once her face had warmed up from being out of the cold catching his attention.

She gave a brief snort of laughter before sipping her tea.  “And if I don’t want to pay for my seat?”

“Then I shall bid you good evening and go soothe my wounded heart elsewhere.”

She rolled her eyes.  “Something tells me that you don’t have to do that often.”

He grinned.  “What makes you say that?”

“Oh no, I am not feeding an ego.  I may not know you, but I know someone fishing for compliments when I see it.”

Well, this was a far better way to finish off a day of embarrassing himself in front of the Inquisition and then striking out at greeting the Herald.  “If you’re not going to fish, mind if I throw out a lure of my own?  What is a lovely lady like yourself doing in a place like this?”

It earned her another laugh, even as she rolled her eyes again.  “Compliments and a come here often opening line?  It isn’t even my birthday.”  She sighed and slumped in her seat.  “To be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

Oh.  That sounded less like a lighthearted quip and more of a start of a silent request for a sounding board.  “If it helps, I’ve been told that I’m an excellent listener.  Sometimes it’s best to get what’s on your mind off your mind over a few drinks and company that won’t judge.”

She sighed.  “Thank you, but I fear that what’s on my mind is more than what a mug of tea and conversation with a stranger could cover.”

Rolfe didn’t know what it was about her, but he was compelled to dig in.  Perching a leg on the edge of the table, he leaned his elbow on his thigh.  “How about a secret for a secret?  I tell you one thing that happened to me today and you tell me one thing that’s bothering you? Like I said, no judgement.”

Her eyebrow raised again.  “You are a persistent one, aren’t you?”

“I prefer the term tenacious.  I’ve been told it’s a defining feature of mine.”

“Somehow, I think someone meant stubborn when they told you that.”  She took another sip.  “So, how was your day?”

“I made an ass out of myself in front of one of the Herald’s advisers.”

She sat up straighter.  “How so?”

“I had a whole speech on who I was and why I was up here prepared and I garbled the entire thing.”  He felt his face heat up when she burst out laughing.  “Hey!  I said no judging!”

She smiled behind the rim of her mug.  “You said that, I made no such promises.  It couldn’t have been that bad.”

“You would say that, you didn’t  blush like a schoolboy and forget your own name when Sister Leliana declared she already knew who you were before you could even get a single word in.  I’m certain she thinks I’m an idiot.”

That earned him another laugh.  “Somehow I seriously doubt that.  Leliana isn’t one to harshly judge people by first impressions.  Believe me, I know.”

He snapped to attention at the mention of being on a first name basis with Leliana, though he easily kept his relaxed posture. “And I doubt that you could have made a horrible first impression.”  Rolfe’s eyes scanned her features, trying to catch a glimpse of any hair that peeked out from under her hood. The tavern’s dim lighting worked to his disadvantage, making discerning if her eyebrows were a brown or red color difficult. “Now, your turn.  How was your day?”

She looked away, her shoulders curving inwards as if she was trying to curl in on herself to make herself smaller.  “I…”  Her brows furrowed.  “I found a friend, of sorts.”

“Friends are always good.  Someone in high places?”

“Yes.  Maybe.  I don’t know.”  She tugged at her scarf and pushed her hood away.  “What else happened today?”

Rolfe licked his lips and took another swig of his flask, his eyes roaming over the windblown strands of hair that had escaped the neat braid curling over her shoulder.  Red.  “I had hoped to find someone when I first arrived, but they weren’t here.”

“Someone important?”

“Maybe.  I don’t know yet.”  He stood up and gave her a brief nod.  “I’ll leave you to your tea, I still need to find a place to turn in before it gets dark. Thank you for the company.”

She looked like she wanted to say something else.  “I hope you find who you set out to look for,” she told him instead.

“I hope so too.  I’ll be around until then, so maybe I’ll see you again?” 

He watched as her eyes widened.  “Maybe.  Wait, what’s your name?”  There was a charming flush that spread across her cheeks that had nothing to do with the cold.  “I mean…”

Rolfe winked.  “Maybe I’ll tell you when we meet again.  It lends a certain air of mystery to me, no?”

She sighed, but this time it was tinged with a playful sort of annoyance instead of the weight of whatever had been burdening her.  “It lends you something, though I’m not quite sure mystery is what I would have described it as.”

“And with that, goodnight.”  Rolfe made his way to the other side of the bar, stopping long enough to drop a few coins from his pocket into the jar for the barmaid.  The blast of cold air hit him hard as he left and he pulled the edges of his cloak closer to his body on his way back up the hill.  He’d lied when he told her that he still needed to find a place to stay, Lady Montilyet had secured him a small room within the Chantry.  It was cramped and he shared it with a nobleman who was complaining about the conditions, but Rolfe had had worse lodgings during his many travels.  Shoving his pack into a makeshift pillow under his neck, he rolled to his back and stared up at the ceiling as he tried to mentally compose a report to his superior as a way to fall asleep.

Alex, he started.  Roderick is not to be trusted.  He completely neglected to inform us about how pretty the Herald is.

[i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend]

Stepping Up ~ Bucky x Reader (Part 9/12)

A/n: Hi my lovelies! Happy Friday and Happy Captain Marvel weekend! So I have some more Stepping up for you! :D There will be three more parts and an epilogue. Enjoy! 

Summary: Weddings are never easy. 

Characters/Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Dylan x Penny, Ben x Zoe, Aunt Meg

Rating: K+

Warnings: angst ish not really though

Word count: 1477

Masterlist 

You woke to your phone ringing and a frantic knocking on your door. Bucky shot up next to you, instantly alert.

“I’ll get the phone. You get the door,” you mumbled rubbing your eyes.

He nodded and slid out of bed while you yanked your phone from the charger.

“Hello?”

“You are eligible for a discount on your current auto insurance.”

Growling in annoyance, you hung up the phone and looked over to where Bucky was trying to console a teary-eyed Penny.

“Penny, what’s wrong?”

“Everything is ruined. I knew we should have eloped.”

You scooted off the bed and gave your cousin a tight hug.  

“Penny, I need you to breathe, and tell me exactly what happened.”

Your tone was soothing, but held a hint of your mission voice. It did the trick.

“The venue had a pipe burst. It’s completely flooded. Everything is ruined.”  

“Okay. It’s okay. We can figure something out. The wedding isn’t until tomorrow.”

“But what about the rehearsal dinner?” she sniffed.

“That’s not until tonight. We have plenty of time. We’ll get it sorted out. I promise. First things first. I need to talk to the venue and know exactly what we’re dealing with. We should also call and put a hold on any of the deliveries that were scheduled for today.” You glanced at your alarm clock. “Okay, it’s only six. We should be able to reach everyone before they open. Can you make a list and we’ll all start calling? If we each take a few we’ll be done in no time.”

“Okay. I can do that,” she whispered to herself. “I can do that.”

“Breathe, Penny. I’m going to take care of this. I promise.”                            

“Thank you, y/n.”

“No problem, sweetie.”

She squeezed your hands and hurried back to her room for her planning binder. You shut the door behind her and leaned heavily against it, pinching the bridge of your nose.

Bucky gently rubbed at your arms, soothing you.

“Good morning,” you finally muttered.

“Good morning, doll,” he rumbled wryly, leaning down to plant a chaste but firm kiss on your lips.

You lost yourself in the sensation for a moment before pulling back with a grateful smile.

“Thank you.”

“You never need to thank me for kissing you.”

Rolling your eyes, you bumped your hip against his as you grabbed a pair of jeans and a blouse to change into so you would be ready to dash out at a moment’s notice.

 When you got down to the kitchen, your Aunt Meg, your parents, Dylan’s parents, and Penny were already divvying up the list.

“Where’s Dylan”

“In the living room on the phone with the venue.”

You nodded before leaving to take over that call, fully prepared to use your scary avenger voice. Dylan was more than willing to hand it off to you.

After a lengthy conversation with an admittedly apologetic manager, you hung up with a frustrated sigh.

“So there’s good news and bad news,” you reported finally.

“What’s the bad news?”

“The reception hall at the venue is completely flooded and unusable.”

“How can there possibly be good news?”

“Well for one, they hadn’t set up at all so none of your decorations got destroyed. They were in storage on the second floor. And since you were having your ceremony outside, it’s totally unscathed. So technically we have a wedding venue just not a reception venue. And they will be refunding your full deposit regardless of whether you use their space or not.”

“Did you threaten him?” Penny asked.

“Of course not. I was simply firm.”

Bucky coughed to hide his laugh and you smacked his flesh shoulder for it.

“Sorry, doll.”

“Even if we had the ceremony at the hotel. What would we do for the reception? The whole point was to have it all in one place so people didn’t have to travel.”

“And there’s no other place near here that would be big enough for 250 people,” Dylan pointed out.

It was quiet as everyone considered your options, occasionally tossing out an idea only for it to be shot down. Zoe and Ben leisurely made their way down during your brainstorming session.

“Morning all. What’s with the long faces?”

“My wedding is ruined,” Penny grumbled.

“Oh don’t be dramatic. What? Did someone accidentally drop a petal from your bouquet,” she sneered.

Bucky’s hand on your hip was the only thing that kept you from launching at her.

“Hush, Zoe,” your mother admonished, clearly done with her shit. “We have a real problem here.”

You tuned out the bickering for a moment, and as you stared out the window at the backyard you got an idea.

“What if we have the wedding here?”

“That’s ridiculous,” Zoe scoffed.

“How would that work?” your father asked, ignoring Zoe.

“We can set up the tables like we did for our graduation party. That was easily 300 people. Then we can set up an arch on the hill and the chairs can fan out towards where the swing set used to be.”

“It could work,” Aunt Meg agreed as she pictured it.

“But where will we get all of the tables and chairs?”

“And what about the dance floor?” Dylan asked.

“Call the venue and see if they’ll loan us their tables. It’s not like they’ll be using them today. As for everything else, I know who to call.”

“Yeah, but what’s it going to cost us?” Penny worried. “We’re pretty much maxed out on the budget department.”

“It won’t cost you anything.”

“You are not paying to get us out of this disaster,” she warned.

“It won’t cost me a dime. Scout’s honor. Just some groveling and probably a few months of bathroom duty.”

Bucky snorted as the others stared at you.

You waved your hand dismissively. “Look. I promised you I will take care of it and I will. If you’re okay with it, I will make the call.”

“Do you really think we can pull it off?”

“I will do whatever it takes to make sure it does.”

Penny and Dylan shared a long look, not needing to speak out loud.

“We trust you,” she finally said.

You nodded and left the room, already dialing the number, pointedly ignoring Zoe’s sarcastic “y/n to the rescue”.

You were worried he may not answer, but luckily he picked up after two rings.

“What’s up, buttercup?”

“Hey, Tony.”

You could hear the clinking of his tools in the background stop when you spoke.

“What’s wrong, y/n?”

“We’re in a little bit of a crisis,” you sighed as you sat down on the back of the couch.  

“What do you need?” he asked immediately.

“Some very large tents, a dance floor, and a few generators.”

“I assume you need it today.”

“That would be ideal.”

“Okay. I’ll take care of it.”

You were used to Tony’s generosity, but it usually came with insatiable curiosity.

“You’re not even going to ask what happened?” you asked, unable to hide the surprise in your voice.

“You can tell me later. Right now we need to get your cousin’s wedding back on track. Text me a list. Whatever you need. And the address. Everything will be there by three.”

“Thank you so much. I owe you like a million favors.”

“You don’t owe me anything, y/n. I’m happy to help.”

“You’re the best, Tony.”

“I know,” he assured you. “And if Penny and Dylan want to name their first child after the man who saved their wedding then so be it.”

You scoffed but didn’t comment, and when he continued his voice was soft and serious.

“Your family is my family, y/n. Give Penny and Dylan my best wishes for a long and happy marriage.”

“I will. And I’ll get you the list ASAP. Thank you so much.”

“Sounds good. I’ll call you once I have the details. Oh, by the way. How’d my little project for Barnes work out?”

You’d almost forgotten about the arm covering Bucky had foregone.

“He actually didn’t end up using it. No offense to your tech, but I wanted them to see the real Bucky.”

“I figured as much. Alright. You two have fun. Bye, kiddo.”

“Bye, Tony.”

 “Tony sends his best wishes,” you informed the stressed out couple.

“Tony as in Tony Stark?” Ben asked incredulously.

You ignored him and faced Penny and Dylan.

“We need to make a list of everything we’ll need, and he’ll make sure that it gets here this afternoon.”

“Are you serious?”

“100 percent.”

“How are we ever going to repay him?”

You shook your head.

“Don’t worry about it. He wanted to help.”

“That’s really generous of him.”

“Yeah, y/n, you must have kissed up pretty well for him to like you so much.”

You grit your teeth and ignored her.

“Let’s get started on that list.”

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading. We’re wrapping up, but there’s still a good amount of story to tell, so stay tuned. 

xoxo Naynay

Tag Lists are Open (Please send an ask) 

Stepping Up Tag List @holycoldcoffee @ek823 @lordemjay @nirvanalovesyoutbh @eleshka-still @bookgirlunicorn @pastelsweaters-and-bubble-t

Bucky/Sebastian Tag List @waywardpumpkin @sadanddeadsoul @captain-maaarvel @caylast @isaxhorror @run-your-cleverboy @ria132love @mbsgr @hereisanapplepie @pierrxt-uta @thejourneyneverendsx @stevieboyharrington @catsandbooksinafarawayplace @mywinterwolf

Marvel Tag List @hdthdthdt​   @sophiatomlinson23 @misty-panther @supermusicallee @scarlettsoldier @acupofhotlatte @slender--spirit @petitesmate

Permanent Tag List @iamwarrenspeace @jayzayy @bexboo616 @neoqueen306 @santheweird @rowenaravencalw @buckitybarnes @prxttybirdz @sergeantjbuckybarnes @captainsamwlsn @broitsmydick @ailynalonso15 @nyxveracity @queenoftrash97 @walkingtravesty97 @lamia-maizat @memyselfandmaddox @lowkeybuckyb @whiskey2011 @averyrogers83 @lovingpeterparker @buckybarneshairpullingkink @beansparker @coralphantomninja @xxashy999xx @thisismysecrethappyplace @ravennightingaleandavatempus @paintballkid711 @whosmarisaaarw

[monsterleadmehome]

Reylo Fic Rec Masterpost

Since I’ve been asked a couple times for fic recommendations, I decided to create a master list, which I’ll (hopefully) come back to and update. This is by no means comprehensive, but they are works I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and wanted to share. You can also always check out my bookmarks page on AO3.

I have updated these with ratings, but be warned they are mostly M or E. Smut not your thing? Check my smut-free recs here! Remember to mind the tags! 

*Indicates WIP

Let’s start with some little known fics. These are all under 100 kudos as of June 19, 2018. Make sure to leave a comment and/or give kudos if you read!

Ties That Bind* by @phoenixsolo -- Rated M. This fic is wonderfully written and jumps between multiple POVs. Also some great Poe and Wedge Antilles interaction which is fun. 

Holonet Mail by MelodeeKS99 (not sure of tumblr) -- Rated T. This is the cutest You’ve Got Mail AU one-shot but still takes place in universe. Ben and Rey are both smugglers. Guys, it’s adorable.

A Veil of Smoke* by @binarysvnrise -- Rated M. ASOIAF AU that is just masterfully thought out and so well-written. NO LONGER ON HIATUS. 

come and knock on my door* by jadeddiva -- Rated T. This is a really cute modern AU where Ben is a programmer at a startup and Rey is his college student neighbor. They meet because both their roommates have kicked them out to have sex.

every inch between us becomes light years by @spookykingdomstarlight -- Rated M. A beautiful one-shot that is both super sexy and sad. It hurts, but in a good way.

Cloudbusting by @bratanimus -- Rated T. Beautifully written and short. Just read it.

In-Universe Fics:

Sword of the Jedi series by @kylorenvevo -- Part 1 Rated T, Part 2 Rated M. Are you even a real Reylo if you haven’t read this? J/K, but seriously this was one of the earliest fics I read when I fell into the Reylo trash bin, and it is a masterpiece. AU where Rey and Ben grew up together at the Jedi Academy. It reads like canon novels. Not kidding.

Crossroads series by @gizkasparadise -- Part 1 T, Part 2 E, Part 3 T. This is an emotional rollercoaster in 3 parts. It’s got angst, it’s got the pre-TLJ Force Bond, it’s got memory loss, and some really kickass supporting characters. I just love it so much.

You’ll Be the One to Turn by @postedbygaslight -- Rated M. This is THE post-TLJ fic you need to be reading. It’s still a WIP at this point, but it’s sure to be completed soon, and like I told Posted before, if EP IX winds up totally letting me down, this will be the only version of events I accept. It is insanely well-written, gripping, and emotional. Just read it. 

Infectious by @dvrkrey -- Rated E. Also known as the sick!fic. It’s a poignant hurt/comfort post-TLJ imagining with a beautiful first time love scene. This one has a special place in my heart.

In The Early Dawn of Happiness by @corseque -- Rated E. GAH! This is beautiful and touching and even though it’s a reylohardkinks fill, it’s so much more than that. It is profoundly sweet, and if we’re lucky, there will be another chapter. 

landscape with a blur of conquerors* by @kylorenvevo -- Rated E. I’m assuming if you haven’t heard of this fic, you’ve been trapped on Ahch-To with Luke for too long. The arranged marriage AU with plenty of Hapan couture fashion to keep poor Kylo occupied.

Across the Stars* by @nite0wl29 -- Rated E. A Beauty and the Beast AU set in-universe (on Chandrila!). Rey falls for Kylo without him ever taking the mask off, and I think that’s beautiful. It’s got all the best elements of TFA, TLJ, and BatB. This one also should be wrapping up soon.

Songs of Innocence, Songs of Wisdom* by @cosmo-gonika -- Rated E. Another post-TLJ fic that has been blowing my mind. It has some mystical Force elements and some steamy scenes with Rey and Kylo. It does a really great job of showing where our star-crossed lovers are still not on the same page (but hopefully they’ll be there by the end!). 

The Descent of Ishtar by @assortedfruitsnacks212 -- Rated M. This is a trippy post-TLJ fic that is super mystical and really intriguing. It’s so well-written, and I might have to light a fire under the author to get her to update this because I NEED MORE.

Id by @dreamsdescent -- Rated E. A smutty one-shot where Rey fulfills Ben’s darkest fantasy. It’s hot. Do yourself a favor and read it.

Mood Lighting by @raven-maiden -- Rated E. This is based on the closeup of the MF captain’s quarters in Solo. It is a beautiful one shot with humor, soul, and (yes!) smut. Can’t believe it’s her first fic! 

World In My Eyes by @mygrandmathinksimsassy -- Rated M. Apparently I had been sleeping on this post-TLJ gem? It’s 96k words and recently completed, so you can settle down with this on a rainy day. Beautifully written, really sexy, and has a happy ending! I loved it.

AU Fics:

Blades Crossed by @the-reylo-void -- Rated M. A really amazing figure skating modern AU a la The Cutting Edge.

Stranger Than Fiction by @daxwashere -- Rated E. Seriously? Probably my favorite modern AU ever. Ben Solo is an author who needs to give his main character a love interest; enter Rey, his muse. It deals with some pretty real shit while also being incredibly full of heart (and some hot smut!).

Left Handed Kisses by @ever-so-reylo -- Rated E. The fuck buddies to lovers AU I never knew I needed. Rey is an Assistant District Attorney and Ben is a criminal defense lawyer. It’s hot, it’s sweet, it’s got lots of emotional constipation - you won’t be disappointed.

In the Name of Magic series by @waterlilyrose -- Part 1 E, Part 2 E, Part 3 T. The Hogwarts AU of my dreams! Kylo is a Snape-ish professor in Slytherin and Rey is a Gryffindor professor (of course). It’s great because it incorporates everything you love about Hogwarts, but focuses on the teachers instead of the students. Luke is Headmaster and Leia is Minister for Magic and there’s a very special painting of a snarky muggle that steals quite a few scenes. I absolutely adore this fic.

Dark Horse by @womp-rat-fever -- Rated T. This was a gift to me that I won in a tumblr giveaway. It is the Outlaw!Ben / Sheriff!Rey AU you never knew you always wanted! It’s a one-shot but it’s packed with action and pretty hot, too. I also made a playlist for it here.

The Promise by @nerdherderette -- Rated E. Wow. This is the most enthralled I think I’ve been with a one-shot. It’s 13k words, but reads like a 500 page historical fiction novel. If you like The Count of Monte Cristo, this is the fic for you.

Bedroom Hymns* by @drnucleus -- Rated E. Modern AU where Rey is a psychologist and Ben is an architect. Healthy BDSM where Rey is the Dom and Ben is the sub (although they haven’t quite gotten that far in the relationship yet). This is just really smart and eloquent. I’m a fan.

Fire Away* by @reylolujah -- Not rated. Disclaimer: I’ve only read the first chapter of this, but it’s SO GOOD. Laser tag AU with a really funny and great set up. Excited to see where it’s going! (I have it on good authority that we’re getting a half-naked Ben in a forthcoming chapter.)

A/B/O Dynamics:

Yes, I finally needed to add a section just for a/b/o. Sorry not sorry because I love it now. These are all E, for obvious reasons.

Your Pretty Little Heart by @ever-so-reylo -- modern AU where Ben and Rey are both doctors. And both terrible at admitting their feelings. It’s hot and super-well written. A good starter a/b/o fic!

Hunger* by @benperor-ren -- a canonverse a/b/o that picks up after Crait but with Rey in heat and Kylo coming to her aid, *wink wink nod nod*

Algorithms* by @grey-orchids -- the only first person POV fic I’ve ever enjoyed. This one is done so well it almost subverts the trope? Rey is a feminist and an IT person at a tech company run by Kylo. She goes into heat and things get interesting. *waggles eyebrows*

Summer Heat* by @isharan -- slow burn a/b/o you say? Yeah, and it hella works. Rey goes to spend the summer at her granfather’s cabin in Canada and is drawn to the outcast alpha Ben. It’s soooo good.

the thick of it* by @dvrkrey -- so steamy. It’s got hunter!Rey and lead alpha of the pack Kylo and Dothraki vibes for sure. Just check it out, you’ll like it. ;)

No One But You* by @faequeentitania -- a canonverse a/b/o started for Reylo week that started as mostly smut and now has plot! It’s really engaging and I’m excited for the last few chapters!

Hawthorne House by @strawberrycupcakehuckleberrypie -- I recently binged this and it is sweet/hot/amazing. Rey works at a B&B in Savannah, Ben Solo is a guest during a hurricane.

Oh and since people have also mentioned it, I will link to my works here at the bottom:

Dawn of the Rebellion series -- Rated T parts 1 & 2. This started as a one-shot I couldn’t get out of my head, then got a multi-chapter second part added on by popular demand. It’s my EP IX imaginings and it’s full of soft Reylo. There is a smutty epilogue in the works.

Truth Be Told* -- Rated M. The Alias AU I started for the RFFA exchange and am now taking too long to finish. If you like espionage and UST, I’ve got you covered!

smutty one-shots (all E): Chariot (modern AU) | Training Day (canon-verse) | Code 288 (Brooklyn 99 inspired) | Careless Whisper (80′s AU)

That’s about it for now, but I’ve got about 5 pages of “marked for later” fics I need to dig into, so keep an eye out for this list to be updated!

[getmybuzzup]

By Allison Kugel

Raven-Symone’s alter ego, Raven Baxter, has been a staple on The Disney Channel since the child actor turned Hollywood renaissance woman debuted her famous character on the hit show, That’s So Raven, in 2003. Back then, Symone’s alter-ego played a teenager who could see into the future, and that extra-sensory ability often landed her in some comical hot water. It’s anyone’s guess if a three-year-old Raven-Symone, who came to national attention as precocious Olivia on The Cosby Show, could have predicted this kind of career longevity? The character of Raven Baxter was given new life with Symone’s second Disney show, Raven’s Home, in which her character Raven Baxter is a woman with two kids, navigating all that comes with single motherhood and forging her own path as a fledgling fashion designer.

Now, going into its third season, Raven’s Home will be tackling some interesting twists and turns as the kids start their own music group, Raven Baxter continues with the launch of her fashion line and roommate and co-parenting partner, Chelsea, finds her niche as a life coach.

Aside from plenty of interesting guest stars in the third season of the show, Raven-Symoné makes her Raven’s Home directorial debut this season.

Photo Credits: Disney Channel/Craig Sjodin © 2018 Disney Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved.

RAVEN’S HOME – “Episode 310” (Disney Channel) JALEEL WHITE, JONATHAN MCDANIEL, RAVEN-SYMONƒ

RAVEN’S HOME – “Episode 310” (Disney Channel) JONATHAN MCDANIEL, RAVEN-SYMONƒ, SKY KATZ, NAVIA ROBINSON, ISAAC BROWN

Allison Kugel: At the end of season two of Raven’s Home your character launches a career as a fashion designer. How does that storyline pick up in season three?

  Raven-Symone: Raven Baxter has always been a fashion designer since she was in high school (going back to the series, “That’s So Raven”), and she had always been designing her [own] clothes. She did not feel that with her kids she could accomplish a line, and so now she decided to really sit down and make it about her. But as season three continues, the kids’ stories really shine, and Raven Baxter’s line is not as much of a main component.

  Allison Kugel: In what way do the kids’ characters further develop?

  Raven-Symone: The kids start a music group. They go into a type of judging competition for that. We start learning more about Nia (played by Navia Ziraili Robinson) and her woman-empowering mission, and how she feels as a teenager. We start to understand Booker (played by Issac Ryan Brown) and see him growing up in school and at home. And we start diving into parenting issues with stepfathers with the mothers and how that whole dynamic comes into play in such a new [un]conventional family.

  Allison Kugel:  Did the success of That’s So Raven give you the cache to have a hand in developing the direction of Raven’s Home?

  Raven-Symone:  I had a lot of input from creative to writing to visual. It’s also important, in my position as executive producer, to understand that when you hire someone, you hire them because they know what they are doing. I did not try and say, “I know everything because I was on That’s So Raven.” It’s also a learning experience for me. I’m allowing these masterful artisans to shine through the show with their writing. set design, and all these beautiful components. I directed an episode this season. I’m hopefully going to write an episode this season as well. It’s like a crash course.

  Allison Kugel: Single parent families and blended families are becoming something of a new normal. There is no conventional family anymore. Was it your idea to play a single mom and to portray this blended family dynamic on the show?

  Raven-Symone: It’s a combination of The Disney Channel, the creators of this new installment of Raven Baxter’s life, and myself.  We all had to agree on showcasing a family that is within the fabric of today’s society. It pushes forward the idea of positivity within any family structure, as long as it has love and respect for one another.

  Allison Kugel: Are you going to explore weightier issues this season, of course in a way that is digestible for kids and early adolescents; maybe things from race to sexuality, or kids lamenting the fact that they don’t have a traditional family unit. Will any of these issues be covered?

  Raven-Symone: It will touch on the kids’ feeling the weight of mom and dad not being together, and the kids feeling that maybe they want their parents together, or maybe they don’t; all those mixed emotions will be explored. The topics we deal with are within the fabric of society, but we deal with them in a Disney fashion. We want to make sure that we respect the viewers that are watching, and their age range.

  Allison Kugel: You’re not yet a mother in real life, but you play one very convincingly on television. You play it with a lot of texture; a lot of interesting notes. Where does that come from?

  Raven-Symone:  I built [the character] from my own mother, from (actress and dancer) Debbie Allen, from the mothers that I have seen on TV; from the mothers that I have seen on TV that I don’t want to be, and based on who I want to be as a mother. I know that I am part of that generation where they say, “You are trying to be friends with your kids.” But I’m absolutely crazy and I want my kids to know that it’s okay to be your authentic self every morning, every day. I’ve been all over the world and I really want to take in a little bit of how they’re raising their children, and not putting such a stigma on certain things. It also comes from the way I was raised, knowing my manners, and saying “Miss” and “Ma’am” and “Mister.” Even today, my mom has to remind me, “Raven, you’re thirty-three. Stop calling someone who is forty ‘Mister’ or ‘Miss.'” I can’t help it. But I run into some kids and they’re like “Hi Raven.”

  Allison Kugel: And you’re going, “Excuse me?!”

  Raven-Symone: Yes! I’m like, “I’m thirty-three and you’re twelve. I am Miss Raven.” I am programmed to act a certain way. And then you encounter the new ways of living in our society, and you have to find a happy medium for yourself. I think I’m subconsciously practicing how I would react in certain situations, as a mother, while I am on television. That way, when I do become a mother, I can take some of what Raven Baxter does, what she deals with and how she deals with these kids and morph it into something I can be proud of as a parent.

  Allison Kugel:  So, you do see having kids in your future. You do plan to become a mom?

  Raven-Symone:  Oh, for sure. For sure! Being in the [entertainment] industry from the time I was a kid, you get pushed into only thinking about your career, career, career. And it’s a little bit more of a conscious effort, especially in my world being within the LGBT community, to plan out [motherhood]. It’s definitely in my future. I have a timeline-ish. But it is malleable because not everything can be planned.

  Allison Kugel: You got that right! From my perspective, there are two things that make you an interesting public figure. Number 1: from the outside looking in, it seems like you have elegantly and seamlessly transitioned from child actor to adult actor, and quite successfully. Number2: you are 100% authentic about who you are in every aspect of your life, including as you stated, being a part of the LGBT community. You haven’t hidden behind your television image, and people have embraced who you are with open arms. Disney has embraced you for exactly who you are. I love that. What are your thoughts on those two things?

  Raven-Symone:  I think that is a very kind assessment. Living in it, I don’t agree.

  Allison Kugel:  Wow, okay. So, your inner experience has been different…

  Raven-Symone: I really appreciate what you said. Sometimes you need to hear that. You’re in the eye of the storm and people outside of the storm are going, “But there’s a rainbow above you!” And I’m going, “Where? I don’t see the rainbow.” But I really appreciate that.  I think when you’re neck deep in a constant struggle between going outside and being recognized and trying to stay in and just live a normal life it can be tough. And you’re trying to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes that you’ve read about in the [National] Enquirer or on television since the 80s and 90s. I’m always tiptoeing around to make sure I make decisions I can be proud to put in my biography, later. It’s a little bit more consuming for me and I haven’t really been on the other side of it to see it. It’s interesting, because I still feel like I’m seventeen if that makes any sense.

  Allison Kugel: It does. It makes sense because I just recently heard Paris Hilton say something about feeling stuck in this state of arrested development due to her celebrity that occurred in her late teens and early twenties. She said that for a long time she felt like she was frozen in time, like she was “forever twenty-one years old.” I think when you become famous at a young age, the ball just keeps rolling, and you are kind of living in this bubble. And the bubble was created a long time ago. I think that is what you are describing.

  Raven-Symone: That’s exactly it.  Thank you, Paris! I will be the first to say that I’m going to quote Paris Hilton now. That is exactly how it feels.

  Allison Kugel: Do you now feel like the thirty-three-year-old woman that you are? Or are you still getting your bearings with that?

  Raven-Symone: In some ways I feel a lot older because I do own property. I have financial and personal responsibilities, and I’m helping to run a television show. But sometimes I feel like I’m pretending, because [in some ways] I feel like I’m still between the ages of seventeen and twenty-five, but a smart seventeen to twenty-five. It’s because I’ve been captured in so many different age brackets. And I’ve had to exaggerate that age behavior for such a long time, while slowly growing to accommodate the way people see me in my career. As I slowly grow, they slowly grow. On the other hand, I grew up a lot faster. I knew how much my taxes were and how much I was getting paid at the age of three, at age six, at age seven. I knew that if I didn’t work stuff wouldn’t get paid, when normal seven-year-olds were worrying about who stole their lollipop. You know what I mean? So, in that respect I do have an older mind frame. It’s a dual mind and it’s weird.

  Allison Kugel: I get that. Speaking of being a child actor, because you lived the experience, I would assume the kids in the cast of Raven’s Home come to you for advice.

  Raven-Symone: They’ve been very open with me and talked to me about things, and I’ve given advice. I appreciate that they respect what I have to say, but they still have to go through that journey on their own. They are starting their journey in the entertainment industry, so they don’t want to say “no” to anything. They want to take every opportunity possible. I tell them they need to take a break. Of course, my journey was different from theirs; I grew up in a different time period. Now, there are so many more rules regarding child actors, and people who are looking out for their safety and well-being. Back in my day, I’d be working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday; and then I was told I was speaking somewhere on Sunday. It was just a hot mess. Hopefully, what I’ve earned in the industry will settle into them, and they will grow up without having that arrested development… aftertaste (laughs).

  Allison Kugel: When you started in the business as a small child, there was no social media. Can you imagine the schedule you had back then, plus posting content to Instagram and Snapchat?

  Raven-Symone: One good thing is that cell phones are banned from sets. Disney has a great policy of not posting anything prematurely. Instead of taking a break, I see people posting and Instagramming all day. I remember when I was on That’s So Raven and there was a break; I took naps. Now there’s this extra element of having to stay current in the eyes of the consumer, and you get even more depleted. Taking needed breaks is healthy for the sanity of the human being, rather than the “celebrity.”

  Allison Kugel: Will there ever be a Raven’s Home episode where you delve into the topic of kids overdoing it with video games and social media?

  Raven-Symone: We touch on that topic, and it comes with a spoon full of sugar. What sets us apart from other shows like ours is we deal with these topics, but we deal with them with a realistic view, so both the parents are learning, and the kids are learning. Everybody learns on our show.

  Allison Kugel: Can you share any special guest stars coming on, or any other surprises this season?

  Raven-Symone: We have a friend of mine, Jaleel White (of “Family Matters,” Steve Urkel fame), coming on the show.  He has a nice little story arc with Raven Baxter and the kids. We also get to meet Chelsea’s (played by Anneliese van der Pol) ex-husband, who has been incarcerated.

  Allison Kugel:  That’s heavy.

  Raven-Symone:  Yes, and he finally comes out [of prison] and he starts designing a family that involves him, which I think is wonderful.

  Allison Kugel: Where do you see things going for you in the next five to ten years? Would you love to be behind the scenes more, producing and directing for a company like Disney? 

  Raven-Symone: I see myself creating more content with Disney where my face is not in the front, but behind the scenes. I see myself creating more feature-length content as well. I see myself graduating from school. I just want to graduate; I am the slowest student!  I can only take one class per semester, and my mom would have a fit if I turned in anything less than a B-. So, it’s hard with my schedule. I want to take more classes in directing. I got to direct an episode for Raven’s Home, and I enjoyed it immensely.

  Allison Kugel: Could you see yourself at some point directing a theatrical release film or producing?

Raven-Symone: Most definitely. That’s the goal. Another goal of mine is to be a musical director. I love the Disney musicals and I love theatre. At fifty years old, I would love to direct in the capacity of feature lengths and musicals for sure.

  Season three of “Raven’s Home” premieres Monday, June 17 (8pm ET/PT) on Disney Channel and DisneyNOW. Follow Raven-Symone

  Allison Kugel is a syndicated entertainment columnist, author of the book, Journaling Fame: A memoir of a life unhinged and on the record, and owner of communications firm, Full Scale Media. Follow her on Instagram @theallisonkugel and AllisonKugel.com.

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Raven-Symone Plans on Motherhood, Her Degree & Directing TV [Interview] By Allison Kugel Raven-Symone's alter ego, Raven Baxter, has been a staple on The Disney Channel since the child actor turned Hollywood renaissance woman debuted her famous character on the hit show, …

[cowgirlontheloose]

The Shaman and the Swift Fox

Some time in the early 1990s, I had a dream. A female form appeared to me. Maybe a goddess, shaman or fairy creature? She didn’t explain herself. She told me I had to help wildlife. I can’t recall her exact words. But I understood I had to take some sort of action. Then she faded gently from the scene just like in the story books. Poof! 

The morning of my dream, I nibbled my toast and thought hard. Mug of tea in hand, I went to my computer and wrote three similar emails:  one to the Swift Fox recovery team in Alberta and Saskatchewan; one to Burrowing Owl recovery on the prairies, and one to threatened Black-tailed Prairie Dogs in Saskatchewan’s Grassland National Park. I volunteered my services for three months. “Use me however you want,” I wrote. “I’ll scrub cages, count poop, run errands, type, do paperwork or answer phones.” I provided a bio, some glowing references and hit send. 

I was free-lancing in those days — writing for various magazines and organizations. I worked from home, where I could glance from my computer screen out the window to my wild, overgrown 80 acres. Now and then, creatures would plod, scurry, bound or fly by:  turtles, fox, deer, raccoons, skunks, wild turkeys, blue heron and a host of tinier beings that I couldn’t see. But I knew they were there.

Most of my research and writing concerned endangered species. I adored learning about their biology; how they all play a role in keeping our world turning. It thrilled me to discover that the lives of Barn Owls, Kangaroo Rats or Flying Squirrels actually had an impact on my life and the planet. Not directly maybe. But through a chain of influences, weather systems, tiny and significant world events — each one influencing something else and something else and something else — I finally understood how dependent we all are on forces we are mostly clueless about.

One example (and there are millions more) let’s take sea otters, sea urchins and kelp forests to see how we are all connected. By the way, there are no exceptions to this rule. None.

Kelp forests provide homes for a vast number of creatures. Just like any land forest, kelp removes C02 through photosynthesis and turns it into energy it needs to flourish. Along come hungry sea urchins — small, spiky critters that eat kelp. Generally, there are plenty of sea otters around to eat some of the urchins so that everything is balanced tickity-boo and everyone has enough to eat. So far, so good, including all the teeming smaller species also living in the watery forest. But humans have been working overtime dumping toxins and garbage into the sea. Exacerbate this horror with oil spills, over fishing, coastal development and soon otters vanish, leaving the hardier urchins to multiply and literally eat the kelp forest to death along with everyone else living within. 

This particular chain reaction doesn’t stop there of course. It goes on from one thing to another, interacting with other chain reactions all over the planet. Eventually, you and I, our kids and grandkids are affected. It’s a glacial process, so most people don’t notice until it’s far too late, until we wake up to something like the horrors of climate change.

And now, back to my fateful dream and the send button.

A few months later, I found myself in Edmonton at the office of Dr. Lu Carbyn, a Canadian Wildlife Service scientist and chairman of the Swift Fox (Vulpes velox) Recovery Team. The task he set me was to locate myself somewhere near Medicine Hat, Alberta. There I would give talks to schools and community groups about this little fox, why it’s recovery was vital, and how we could all help by not shooting, trapping, poisoning, paving over or digging up their grasslands home. 

I was also expected to have informal visits with some of the major ranch owners. It was these large spreads on which the fox depended after all. And it’s a well known fact in conservation efforts that some Canadian land owners — and no doubt, the world over — do not ever want it known that a vulnerable species was spotted on their property because it could lead to restrictions for the rancher. Their unofficial motto if this should happen is “shoot, shovel and shut up.” I’m not suggesting that any of our prairie ranchers fall into this category. I’m just reporting what I heard again and again in the field.

All this talking in front of groups was a scary stretch for a shy sort. And the thought of me — clueless female Easterner — presuming to educate Western ranchers who possessed more know-how and grass-roots intelligence than I could blink at, made me want to turn tail.

But a deal was a deal.

Lu rounded up a vehicle for me, a cranky, rusting station wagon with balding tires which frankly, was not reliable (I wasn’t about to complain, believe me), and off I went to Elkwater, pop. 80-ish. Here I boarded with the gung-ho and endlessly inventive Lyall family:  Noreen, Don, Richard, 6, and Alec, 4. (Our adventures together will have to wait for another time, alas.) Their home was a few miles from Elkwater on the rolling prairie I love so much. Highway 41 stretched by our door, north to the Trans-Canada and south to Wildhorse, Montana, one of the loneliest border crossings I have seen. 

Before settling in Elkwater, howerver, Lu and I trucked south-east to Val Marie, Saskatchewan (800 km) with several Vulpes velox in cages. Some had been wild trapped in the U.S., and others raised in captivity at the Cochrane Ecological Institute in Alberta. We would be releasing them in Grasslands National Park in hopes of establishing a sustainable presence there.

Forget Banff, Jasper and the Rocky Mountains. Grasslands is possibly Canada’s most gorgeous natural treasure. Established in 1981, this 907 sq. kms. protects one of our country’s remaining un-meddled-with, mixed-grass/short-grass prairie. The park is home to several species in various states of peril:  Bison, Burrowing Owls, Black Footed Ferrets, Greater Short-horned Lizards and Black-tailed Prairie Dogs.

The night before the release, Lu and I camped in this magical place bathed by the misty light of stars and full moon. As his tent was hidden over the brow of a hill and I was located below on a flat expanse, I seemed to have the entire planet to myself. I woke several times and crawled out to pinch myself in disbelief. Coyotes wailed and shooting stars fell. And beneath my bare feet the prairie sighed.

Next day’s release was, in some ways, anti-climactic. So many years and resources, so much funding, will and people power, had brought us to this moment, yet it was just the start of an unfolding mystery. Would this little fox survive long enough to become an integrated part of Canada’s living tapestry again?

We opened the eight cages and stood well back. Some bolted, some crept from captivity to the glory of big sky and vast grasslands. My eyes shimmered. Those sleek, camouflaged coats blended flawlessly into the prairie hues. I blinked. Like wraiths they melted away one by one.

Once settled in Elkwater, I set up appointments with every school and group  I could find. I’ve long forgotten how many there were, or how far afield I roamed. I fondly remember a lively one-room school in Buffalo, Alberta, somewhere between Bindloss and Jenner. Although it was in the middle of nowhere (at least to this Easterner) and clearly a fading hamlet, the school was full of life and energy. Online now, I see that Buffalo is listed as a ghost town, although the minuscule post office and store were operating as of 2015. No sign of the school.

Oh so many schools! The elementary kids had lots of question and comments, always a forest of hands waving at me. The high school crowd was generally stoney-faced — too cool to reveal themselves in any way. I left those presentations feeling like a boring idiot, but hey — I tried. The most interactive and fun schools were Hutterite colonies — Spring Creek, Cypress, Box Elder, Elkwater. Here I was warmly included and herded on chatty tours of the colony by pink-cheeked, giggling youngsters. Once, my son Adam, was visiting me on his way back to University in New Zealand, and came with me (I probably forced him) to one of these colonies. I know he answered a barrage of questions about what New Zealand was like. I hope he remembers that time. This is the kid whose only apparent childhood memory is of me chasing him upstairs whacking at his legs with a wooden spoon. 

I covered thousands of lonely miles. One night on my way to Consul, Sask. (1.5 hours drive — was I nuts?) a full moon poured a fantastical light onto the prairie. I pulled over, got out and lay down in the middle of straight-and-flat-as-an-arrow Highway 13. I don’t know why I did it, but the prairie sang to me in four-part harmony that night.

I surely recall heading south an hour one cold night to Manyberries. Up and over the high bench of the Cypress Hills I drove, straining my eyes for elk and moose. Then down to the long flat stretch to Montana. 

I passed the sign that said something like Warning — No Gas Or Services For The Next 100 Kms. and tried not to add a sub-text which urged Better Say Your Prayers, Sister. 

The road was bare and I hummed happily. Suddenly snow — an instant, blinding white-out and the road vanished. I crept to a standstill. Yes, I knew possibly only a few kilometres from me, lights glowed from a warm ranch house at the end of a long laneway. But I had no hope of finding that. I waited, my heart rattling in my throat. 

Fifteen minutes later, headlights glowed behind me and a transport truck swirled past. How could he possibly see? But now I had quickly fading tracks to follow, which I did. There was no way I was going to risk turning around and hitting the ditch. Ten minutes later, the white-out stopped dead. Bare highway appeared and the transport’s light drew away from me. On I went to Manyberries, trailing clouds of dumb luck and good fortune.

Did I make any difference to the Swift Fox effort? Who knows. My time volunteering was precious beyond measure and enriched my life and understanding of how the world turns. And what of Vulpes velox (also called the Kit Fox) today in 2018? Once common from the Canadian prairies south to Texas, No thanks to humans, it was extirpated from Canada in 1930. Between 1983 and 1997, conservationists introduced more than 900 of these house cat-sized animals to the Canadian grasslands. It is estimated that 600 are living and reproducing in our country today.

The Committee on the Status of Endangered Wildlife in Canada (COSEWIC) designated the Swift Fox as extirpated in 1978. It was uplisted to Endangered in 1998, and since 2009 was further uplisted to Threatened.

Wildlife Preservation Canada says the Swift Fox recovery is considered “…one of the most successful endangered species translocation programmes in the world.

[buri-art]

Detective Genius: Part 3 of 8

Chapter Three: The Justice-Selling Nurse and the Case of the Missing Creme Puffs

Synopsis: Yoon is a financially struggling nurse and recognizes a trauma victim, Taejun, as someone from his boarding house. The victim’s brother, Kyoga, suspects foul play and offers Yoon money to figure out who caused this. The landlord, Soo-won, discourages Yoon from getting involved, but in order to support himself and his adoptive father Ik-soo, Yoon investigates the suspicious other residents--and then some. Genre: Modern Day AU, (Attempted!?) Murder Mystery in Classic ‘Who Done It?’ Style, General. Could be read as comedy, drama, or melodrama. Words: 2,470 Warnings: I don’t kill anyone, but I do make them suffer a little (sorry, Taejun, somebody had to be the victim). Probably nothing that would make people squeamish, as the focus is on the plot. Find the other chapters in the master post.

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Hak stomped in so quickly that I barely had time to move out of his way. I was pushed up against Soo-won’s door when the other man followed him; he looked to be in his 30’s or 40’s and had a large scar on his right cheek. Hak marched straight to the elevator and turned to face the man while he waited for it.

“Quit hounding me. If you’re not going to listen, then I have nothing else to say to you.”

“Look, Hak, I’m trying to help. I’ve been trying to help this whole time, but you’re not even working with me. Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

The elevator doors finally opened. When Hak went inside he had his hands up to keep the man from following him inside, and he hit the button to close the doors several times.

“Hak—”

Hak was out of sight. The man let out a mix of a grumble and a sigh, and when he turned around, our eyes met. There was no way to pretend I hadn’t witnessed what happened, and I tried to lighten the air. “Are you… uh… one of his relatives?”

“Tch,” he scoffed with a wry smile. “I’m his social worker.”

My face lit up, but dread also churned in my stomach. “I feel you! I’m a nurse.”

His expression softened as well, like he had found a kindred spirit in me. “Then you know how it is.”

“Is everything alright with Hak?”

“You know him?” his brows knit upward. “I can’t overshare.”

“I’m worried about him,” I said. I worried in some sense of the word, anyway.

“Me too. I don’t know why he started backtracking like this. Maybe being out on his own in the world was too much stress for him.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s barely aged out of the system. Moved into his friends’ place and said he’d be fine. He doesn’t want to rely on any of the adults in his life anymore, so he won’t tell us anything.”

“He’s got his pride to protect.”

“What’s he got to prove by punching some guy in the face!?”

My eyes widened. So did his, but for different reasons.

“One minute he says he did it, the next he tells me he’s not to blame. That he wasn’t in his right mind. That’s what we call an anger issue, but he has the gall to say he doesn’t have one! Argh!” The man put a hand to his temple and looked away. “Please excuse me, I’ve said too much.”

“Wait!” a reached out to him as he tried to pass me by. “Can you… can I get your name? And a phone number?”

His eyes lingered on me for a moment, trying to read my face. I did my best not to show any of the connections my brain was fearfully putting together. I had already told myself I couldn’t implicate Hak until I was sure he was the guilty one! But if Hak really was violent, then I couldn’t dive into this alone.

The man stuck a hand into his pocket, but found it empty. “Do you have a pen and paper?”

“Y-Yes,” I fumbled, quickly turning several pages away from my notes. He took it, wrote something down, handed it back, then said a simple good-bye as he headed out. The note was only a phone number and his first name, Joo-doh.

*********

After making a few notes, I went outside, turned left, then left again. It was time to investigate the alley.

The was no immediate trace of yesterday’s incident; the last of the drizzle must had washed away the footprints of the emergency responders and any of Taejun’s blood. There were big piles of trash there, some stacked well above my head, and there were old housewares, kitchen scraps, and tired looking, bright flowers strewn about. The smell made me gag; I could not imagine what business Taejun, who always liked to dress well, would have in this place. If he had come here and if someone wanted to harm him, the garbage and shadows would have provided plenty of cover even during the daytime. I peered around the piles, trying to imagine how a full-grown man could fit among them.

Something above my head made a skidding noise.

I let out a shriek and tried to get away, but my back was square against the neighboring building. With nowhere to flee I looked up at what it was and saw Joon-gi, the man in room 202, staring back from his window.

“An awful stench, isn’t it?” he said. “People who don’t even live here toss all their rubbish here. Makes it easier for the beggars to find a meal, I suppose.”

“You—you see homeless people around here?”

“Oh, yes. This is such a dreadful area. Thankfully my daughter is safe away at boarding school.”

“…You can afford boarding school and you live here?”

“Ahem. That’s why I live here.”

“I see. That’s… that’s really terrible that you’ve got the window closest to this dump.”

“It’s truly awful. But that’s why I am the neighborhood watch committee. Self-appointed, I might add. Someone had to do it after all that toilet paper was going missing from the supply closet and someone started stealing my cream puffs from the communal freezer.”

“A committee is more than one—nevermind. Did you see anything happen here yesterday?”

“I didn’t see it happen. I have terrible eyesight, you know, especially in the dark.”

“…”

“But I heard it happen.”

“You did?”

He smiled. “You’re referring to that boy’s injury, aren’t you? Terrible, isn’t it. That’s what he gets for loitering in an alley in the inner-city. What did he think was going to happen? My guess is that one of the bums got him. Maybe the tall one with the squirrel.”

“What exactly did you hear happen yesterday?”

His squinty eyes lingered on my notepad ready in hand. There was a hiss in his voice when he asked, “Why do you want to know?”

“I was his nurse at the hospital.”

“Is that really why you want to know?”

I felt caught for a moment. Before I could answer, he went on.

“You should be careful. If it wasn’t a bum that did it, you’ll be putting the target on your back next.”

“Would you please tell me what happened?”

“I was making myself a cup of tea when I heard the sound of ‘gyah!’ outside. I thought it was odd and it reminded me of Taejun—he’s my neighbor across the hall, so I hear him a lot, you see.”

“What time was that?”

“Oh, sometime between 6 and 6:30, I suppose.”

“And then what?”

“Well, I drank my tea, of course.”

“That was it? You only heard him, and that was it?”

“No, of course not! I was the one who called the ambulance.”

“Before you drank your tea?”

“No, after I had a few cups of it.”

“………Why didn’t you—”

“I decided there was no reason to rush. As long as he didn’t make any other noise like calling for help, I assumed he was fine.”

“When did do you finally figure out he wasn’t fine?”

“When I finished my tea.”

“So, about five or ten minutes later?”

He chuckled coldly. “Yoon, you’ve never had good tea, have you? You have to take at least half an hour. I already in the process of it when I heard him, so by the time I looked out the window, it was closer to 6:45. My kitchen cast enough light for me to see his legs very clearly, and I knew by the quality of his shoes that it couldn’t have been one of the bums, and I then I called an ambulance.”

“How much later did you do that? An hour later?”

“What do you take me for?” he huffed. “Of course I called as soon as I saw the body! They got here within ten minutes of me seeing him, and then had him on the stretcher and shipped out within a few minutes after that. I heard Soo-won go out and talk to them, and they asked him to contact his next of kin, and that was that, another job well done for the neighborhood watch.”

I didn’t even know where to start. Joon-gi took a sip of his tea then asked if I had any other questions. I said no, and thanked him for his important service.

**********

It was about time to go run some errands before making lunch. Today I would have to make extra for Yuno, so it would require some extra effort as well. While I was out, I bought a canned coffee and took a seat in the deli area of the supermarket so that I could organize my notes. I wanted to get out of the boarding house to give myself a wider view of the situation. I started with a list of what I knew. “5 or 6” (according to Jaeha): Yona and Taejun talk/fight. Yona says he didn’t seem to have plans to hurt himself. Between “6 and 6:30” (Joon-gi): Taejun is struck by something and falls unconscious in the north alley. Between “6:20 and 6:40” (Kija): Kija gets home, sees Hak. About 6:45: Joon-gi calls the ambulance. About 6:55: The ambulance arrives and takes Taejun away. Yona hears sirens. Soo-won talks to paramedics. 7:10-ish: Taejun arrives at the hospital and receives treatment.

Between 6pm and 6:45pm: Rm 502: Kija arrived home at some point and talked to Hak on 5th floor. Rm 501: Hak arrived on the 5th floor at some point. Grouchy, flushed, wet. Rm 402: Yona was likely still in her apartment after having been bothered by Taejun. Rm 401: Yuno was probably still out on her date and came back this morning. Rm 302: Ik-soo was home, I was at work. Rm 301: Jaeha stayed long enough to overhear Yona and Taejun, likely left before hearing sirens. Rm 202: Joon-gi was drinking tea and heard Taejun, later called the ambulance. Rm 201: Taejun was in Yona’s room at some point, and later in the alley. Rm 100: Soo-won was mopping the stairwell (???????)

I know he had to have been in there long enough to have mopped all five flights of stairs, and he was still doing it when I arrived home after 9. But when he did start? He was outside around 6:55 talking to the paramedics. He could have started after that and finished in two hours. But why would he do something like that after one of his tenants suffered a serious injury?

Soo-won had also spoken to Kyoga at some point between 7:00 and 8:00, and he told Kyoga not to make a big deal of this.

What did Soo-won have to hide?

I jotted down some other notes:

Soo-won, Hak, Yona: Childhood friends/relatives Joon-gi, Jaeha: Nosy Taejun, Yona: Taejun was bothering Yona. Witnessed by Jaeha and Kija (yesterday, Tuesday), confirmed by Yona (yesterday) Hak, Yona: Fighting, according to Jaeha and Kija Hak: In trouble with his social worker Joo-doh for punching someone in the fa--

My phone buzzed in my pocket. It made me jump, and I hurriedly pulled it out and flipped it open. “Hello?”

“Yoon? This is Kyoga. Taejun woke up!”

“Oh, that’s good. How is he doing?”

“It’s good, but he’s… not good.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Can you elaborate?”

“I asked him what happened, but he’s babbling on about something. I can hardly make sense of it. One second he’s trying to answer my question about the alley, and the next minute he’s talking about flowers, flowers everywhere, and of all things, a pineapple, and then he starts crying. Is he… is he going to be okay?”

“My guess is that he’s still medicated, but that’s a question for the nurses on duty. Is that all you can get out of him?”

“Yes. It’s been the same conversation three times in a row. He just gets a little more animated every time, and that’s making it more and more confusing to try to follow.”

“I’d take that development as a good sign.”

“Have you figured things out on your end?”

“Not yet, but I’m… yes, you could call this progress.”

“Do you know who did it?”

I paused, looking at the list of names. My eyes lingered on Hak’s. “Not yet.”

“Please tell me as soon as you can.”

“I’ll do my best. You have to remember that I’m not a detective by trade, but given your choices in the boarding house, I’m probably the best person you can ask. This might be unrelated, but have you heard anything about… well…”

“What?”

“Has Taejun been punched in the face?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“When we kids.” He sighed and went on, “To be fair, he usually had it coming. Do you mean recently?”

“Yes. He hasn’t mentioned anything like that to you?”

“Not that I’ve heard. Let me ask… no, he’s asleep again. He’s got some bruises on the left side of his face, probably from hitting the ground last night, but that’s about all I can tell. Maybe if I look really hard there are some spots on his other cheek, but…”

“That’s alright. Don’t worry about it.”

“Why do you ask?”

I felt a knot in my throat, as though I was choking on silence.

Kyoga filled the silence. “Is there someone who would have punched him?”

“It was just a guess to see if there was,” I lied. “It could have been anything, not necessarily a punch to the face. I was only hoping for a lead.”

“What have you found out so far?”

“Ah! My battery! Sorry, I’m out of the boarding house right now and my phone’s about to die. Send a text if you get anything else out of Taejun!”

“Alri—”

“Bye!”

I slammed the phone shut with a loud clack and threw it on the table, as if that would keep the pressure to figure things out further away from me. It would be easy to make assumptions, but I couldn’t turn in an innocent person. I had to be sure before meddling with someone’s life, especially if someone like Hak already had a rough start. I would never be able to face Ik-soo if I did, and I had no choice but to face Ik-soo every day because of our cramped living quarters.

But we also needed money to pay for those living quarters. All I needed to do was find the truth and sell it to Kyoga. If Hak really was guilty, then it was his own fault.

To find out, I would have to talk to him. And I was going to have to get more information out of Soo-won too.

[itsakyo]

hek AK, do you know what time it is? it must be AK time to rate / talk about Taeyeon's new songs; Make Me Love You, I Blame On You & Curtain Call. :P <3

Are you the same anon who asked me to rate the songs in Taeyeon’s My Voice? 😝 Well, just like before, I will rate how much I love the songs (not how good they are) and talk about the songs from my musical point of view.

Make Me Love You: Right from the first second of the song, I knew I would love it. I kid you not. Okay, also maybe because there was a teaser which gave away some elements of the sound before.

The entrance of the song is grand. It opens with the C-note drone that runs throughout the rest of the song and it is huge on the echo & reverb game which gives it an open feeling. So immediately, within the first 5 seconds of the song, you get the feeling that you’re somewhere beautiful and quiet, like at the top of a mountain or something.

The reverb on Taeyeon’s voice is also really heavy to match the mood of the song and lots of echo play comes in (esp. at the ends of the phrases) in the verse that’s nearing the chorus. It opens up her voice and makes it seem grander which the music then matches and the song enters the chorus after a cool electronic slide transition.

I must say the build up is really good. It lifts you up to the chorus and then the big, big sounds and full drum loop comes in to smack you with even more big, open, mystical effects in the chorus.

The bridge is a very smooth break from the verse and chorus and I like how the sound of the song is very wholesome, cohesive and well framed throughout.

Overall, it has a “Love Me Like You Do” -ish sound where the vocals in the verse stand out against the music accompaniment that sounds like it’s stretching out behind and later in the chorus, gels together in an epic way. I would say this is a very, very expensive sounding song.

Is this the first K-pop song that has a chorus that is 100% in English? HAHAHA. And OH MY GOD the first & final airy “Make me love you…” is just perfect as the opening and ending. Perfect from beginning till the end. (10/10 💗 )

[And after thinking about it a little, I think C5 and D5 are Taeyeon’s sweet spots. So far, based on the songs that I pitched, I’ve noticed that her choruses usually hover around C5 and D5 where she belts. And in this song, the climax line where she comes back and belts out “Make me love you” the strongest has her belting G4,A4,D5,C5 with a long sustained note on C5.]

I Blame On You: This is a song that allows Taeyeon’s vocals to come out so beautifully. Just a piano accompaniment of bare minimum block chords for the first verse. So quiet, so emo.

Taeyeon’s voice is so clean and clear. She has a really pure voice that is perfect for songs like these. She allowed her voice to be really solid and thick in the chorus, like she’s crying out, which is a stark contrast to her airy, soft voice in the verse that makes you think of a crumpled person in a dark room, sad and tired. I love how she nips some of the endings of the phrases or smooths them out with a curve/down-scoop. And the best thing of all, she can sing it all like she’s just talking in one voice. Emotional! (8.5/10 💗 )

Curtain Call: Another song that sounds expensive right from the first 30 seconds hahaha. Big sounds, wide and open again. Very rich sound. Also plenty of reverb thrown on her voice again and nice layering of harmonies behind to make her sound even fuller. But the song does not have as strong a hook as MMLY. The chord progression and overall sound makes me think of a western band sound lol. Nice but not so memorable. (7/10 💗 )

[raining-v-coffee]

Clara/The 11th Doctor fic recs

*Multichapter    ~my notes

Further Than I Thought I Could

Clara had often wondered, in moments of idleness, what she would say to Bow-Tie if they crossed paths again. Purely out of boredom, of course, and purely in flights of fancy. She had never expected to step out of the TARDIS and bump into him as she hunted for her own Scottish Time Lord. And she certainly hadn't expected him to ask a very spoiler-laden question indeed...

Christening

The bed in Clara's new flat requires some breaking in.

They Say Home Is Where The Heart is Set In Stone

A short-ish Vastra-centric epilogue for the finale, as the Patternoster gang help Clara recover from events at Trenzalore.

you filled me with stardust won during the war

a doctor/clara one-shot; "If his life was a wound, then you are the scar tissue splitting over and over again like the so many hearts you have had, patched up and broken without knowing why."

Make a Little Bird House in Your Soul

How she hated the fussing. The Doctor never stopped fussing over every little thing that happened to her. Every bruise was a possible broken bone. Every cut left her in danger of bleeding out. Every sniffle was a sign of the plague.

In which Clara and the Doctor visit a green house planet. Clara has hay fever and the Doctor worries needlessly.

let's be more than this (we'll be a legend tonight)

"Just remember, Clara, to treasure every page."

(or the one where Clara and the Doctor save each other from themselves)

baking for time travelers: 100 easy to make recipes

Clara tries to give the Doctor a baking lesson. It goes well, for a given value of well.

Old Friends

Clara works at Coal Hill School. The Chairman of the Board of Governors visits her on her first day; a certain Ian Chesterton. She takes it upon herself to arrange a reunion.

Sunday Morning

After losing their memories of their latest history lesson, Clara really was ill and the Doctor accidentally meets her father.

Memories

The Doctor goes to pick up Clara after the events of The Name of the Doctor and finds out she's been hiding hidden talents.

It's A Love Story

"Hold hands. Keep doing that and don't let go. That's the secret." Clara/Eleven fluff.

Broken Down

Prompt: Clara is being tortured and the Doctor has to rescue her.

Just Past Midnight

Prompt: 11 has a nightmare and Clara comforts him.

See You On the Other Side

(Prompt) This is going to sound weird, but could you write a fic that slightly mimics the scene in Deathly Hallows where Harry is in the heavenly Kings Cross station and he meets Dumbledore... But with Clara and Eleven? And there's a tearful reunion or two, acceptance of death, and they all go to the next place as friends.

Afterwards

'She never tells him that her favorite part of making soufflé is the clean up.' Fluff with a twist.

Christmas Date

Clara decides to further question the Doctor in concern to his ready response to the question of boyfriends...

the christmas party

She dragged him away from his Pringles bowl to the nearest mistletoe-clad doorway, and whispered into his ear, "Look, I'm going to do something now because I've wanted to for a while and I am very, very drunk and so are you and you're probably not going to remember it."

Clara hosts a Christmas party, and there's quite a bit of alcohol involved.

Of Gallifrey

The minute details of those lives - her Gallifreyan life, all her other lives - are just out of reach no matter what, but she remembers broader brush strokes, feelings and larger details.

like the weight of the sun

Involving the eating of a turkey, repeatedly changed futures, a boy made of stars, and an inability to explain Why.

a hundred years from now (dear heart)

Involving a telepathic circuit, a new-found love for stories, recurring nightmares, and a Doctor who just won't stay dead.

~This is so very good. It makes my heart hurt.

The Long Goodnight

The Doctor surprises Clara after her first day of teaching.

my kingdom for a star

He is lucky, he thinks, lucky that he has her, lucky she stays with him. Lucky that she loves him, because if Clara didn't love him, he's not sure he'd still be here at all. / The Doctor as he falls in love with Clara.

Something Completely New

When he holds out his hand, she takes it. That's always how it starts.

I'll have to come to you

In which the Doctor maps Clara's lives and learns that she can still surprise him. Oh, and there are Daleks. / 'She was his big friendly button, his reset after the dark days.'

Proper Trouble Mature

Post-The Name of The Doctor. The night after Trenzalore everything changed for the Doctor and Clara, now it's continuing too.

an infinite nuclear summer Mature

Takes place immediately after "The Name of the Doctor." Clara tries to remember herself. / a clara/doctor one shot / "They had infected the wound. And she had took a running leap and jumped inside, sterilizing it like no medicine could ever have done. She had loved, infinitely and often without reason. She had sacrificed."

The Very Wrath Mature

Because no love story is complete without punching.

The Chronicles of Chiswick* Mature WIP

The TARDIS strands Eleven at Clara's flat — six years later than he'd intended to arrive. Trapped across his own timeline and up to his delicate eyebrows in spoilers, he receives a cryptic message from Twelve: one of his former companions is in danger, and he’ll need the help of the others to save her. It’s a reunion the Doctor would love to remember… but one the laws of time doom him to forget.

~Love this fic!!

~New additions. Edited 3/9/2017

How to Make a Home

"She was Clara Oswald and she knew who she was. She was the sole keeper of a very old and very lonely Time Lord's memories." Clara recovers from the events of Trenzalore. Spoilers for The Name of the Doctor.

Coming to Terms

"But no one is in control of time. Not really." A brief conversation between the Doctor and Clara leads to the Maitland's acquiring a week-long visitor. A visitor who happens to know very little about domestic life.

Fever Stars

Clara comes down with the flu and the Doctor makes good use of his chosen name.

Lessons in Vulnerability

"I love you. I wanted—I wanted this face to say it. Because this is the face that fell in love with you. My next face is just the face that gets to love you the way I wish I would have gotten the chance to." This time, the Doctor doesn't regenerate alone.

Survival Experts*

Clara was certain that things couldn't possibly get much worse when she and the Doctor ended up stranded on a deserted island. That was until she ran into one of her echoes. (And alien robots. Did she mention the alien robots? Why were there ALWAYS alien robots?)

For All of Time

After jumping into the time stream, Clara has flashes of memories from her past lives every now and then. In one, she remembers her life as a Time Lady and realizes that she was the doctor's first wife.

Once Upon A Christmas*

The 11th Doctor receives a stark warning from his much darker 12th incarnation that shakes him to his core leading him to alter his own future and forever changes his relationship with Clara. Will it be enough to save him from becoming the monster he fears or is this the very thing that will doom him? [AU S7.15 TTOTD & S8 (spoilers); eventual Whouffaldi; pos Valeyard; dark themes].

Gallifreyan Mind Tricks Mature

The Doctor shows Clara who the boss is once again. More smutty, kinky Whouffle ensues in this sequel to "An Open Door, an Open Mind" - by popular demand!

A Lesson in Alien Reproductive History* Mature

He laughed weakly in that way that signaled he was about to say something she wouldn't like hearing. "You're about to become part of the history lesson. This is the way they solved their population problem: the Antipoi breeding pod."

The Other Has My Heart* Mature

Clara had promised to keep him hidden. She'd promised to stay with him. Navigating America in 1948 hasn't been so hard, but navigating John Smith's emotional ups and downs has. And can she keep her third promise and still stay safe herself? Human Nature AU.

And it’s sequel

More Than You Know*

"Honestly - if all I'd needed to do was get sprayed by a giant carnivorous plant, I would've done a long time ago." He froze, arms around her back. "I've taken your clothes off plenty of times," he muttered defensively. "Yeah, but...not like this." Sequel to "The Other Has My Heart."

To my Master Post of Doctor Who fic recs <3

I also have rec lists for Harry Potter and Naruto.

[kffandom]

Do you have any Widowmaker & Mercy thoughts or any Widowmaker & Reaper thoughts you've had on your mind that you'd like to share?

sorry this has taken so long to answer! i really hadn’t thought too much about widowmaker and mercy interacting so i’ve been taking my sweet time on this lol (also sorry for the bulleted list instead of any actual narrative, i couldn’t really think of anything cohesive for both types of interactions but i had plenty for each and blech. blech i’m sorry i hope it’s alright)  

reaper is the one who decides to cut ties with talon, and half as a ‘fuck u guys’ and half as a ‘ok i’m a LITTLE fond of this one’ he basically kidnapped widowmaker since they had invested a lot of resources into her development/programming 

widowmaker, when he had the help of one of her “programmers” (who was a weird boy-man reaper doesn’t really know who ‘fell in love with her’ and ‘wanted her to be free so they could be together for REAL’ #creepy), was easy enough to knock out with one of her ‘trigger phrases’ (which reaper made sure to receive a comprehensive list of before making any moves to take her). creepy boy-man tried to tag along but reaper kicked him out of the van and locked the doors before they even got moving 

(i don’t know why anytime i talk about talon agents going anywhere they use vans but. there ya go.) 

she wakes up halfway through the van ride and sorta just. goes with it. reaper has no idea if this is still an effect of using one of her triggers or what, but. it makes the drive easier 

reaper says, shortly before they arrive, “i know they’re annoying. but they’ll help you.” 

“i don’t need help.” 

“whatever. they’ll be better bosses than talon at least.” 

(in the past, when i’ve written widowmaker, i’ve gone the “oh she’s loyal to talon and that’s what overwatch needs to overcome, but here, since seeing the comic where she remembered and appeared to still give somewhat of a shit about gerard, here’s what i’m thinking: 

we have amelie. nice enough amelie, who’s caught up in the mess that is #overwatch. who talon is spending a lot of money on, but who won’t. stop. crying. 

they don’t have complete brainwashing, you know. like they can do a lot, but if they want her to still be useful, they can’t do what they normally would. 

so they do some #BadMedicine. they go into her brain and they start chopping. 

what if widowmaker wasn’t created with programming (though it had a hand in them using her, later, in controlling her) but with them just. cutting out any parts that made her care. 

she still has all of her memories, but they took away her will and ability to give a shit. they didn’t even really change her personality--amelie was a sarcastic and harsh woman, but she had a huge heart and while her advice was gruff and along the lines of “you fucked up, now you have to fix it” she was genuinely invested in people’s problems and cared a lot 

but after they mutilated her brain, she just. basically did what she was told. she wouldn’t even eat without someone telling her she should once they messed with her biology enough to not recognize hunger or discomfort. 

so aka: that’s how you get someone fundamentally twisted from their origin with the least amount of effort and the least amount of actual change but with absolutely detrimental effects with my ~fake science~ nonsense lol. (listen they still have BS reasons for her being blue so i can ~fake science~ my way outta her backstory if i fucking want to) ) 

so anyway. reaper basically spends about a week figuring out which base mercy is at, and drops widowmaker off (kicks her out of the still-moving van) with the information he has on how talon “made” her, and gets the fuck out of there. just because he hates talon now too doesn’t mean he wants to be all buddy-buddy with overwatch now

they’re all unnerved by how widowmaker just. doesn’t do anything. like she snarks at them, and flirt-mocks lena, but otherwise, she’s very amenable. mercy asks her to join her in the infirmary, and she follows. mercy asks her to disrobe and put on a patient gown, and she does. mercy runs a barrage of tests, and she sits through them. 

at the end of it, mercy says, “well, i won’t be able to do much until i look at those documents you brought with you, but the baseline was needed before i was biased by anything i saw. is there anything bothering you that you’d like me to address? any injuries or hurts?” 

widowmaker snorts and doesn’t deign to answer her. 

“well, you will be staying here tonight. i’m sure someone will be around to keep an eye on you, but feel free to get some rest.” 

mercy then spends a long evening in her office-ish area (it’s a corner of the infirmary with a curtain around it and a rickety desk winston carried in for her, but it does its job well enough) going through these files. trying to fill in the blanks and create a map of what exactly they fucked up with her 

and around 5AM, she leans back and has to do some thinking. because amelie didn’t agree to these surgeries (obviously) and now she could be trying to undo what they’ve done, through multiple surgeries, without widowmaker’s permission. she thinks and thinks and tries to figure out if she should even bring it up with widowmaker if there’s a chance of her refusing 

because it’s barbaric, what they’ve done to her, but widowmaker might prefer not caring, or she might not view it as poorly as mercy does. or she might not be able to give an answer at all, because she can’t care about anything. 

it’s very, very tempting to just. do it. to just knock her out the minute she wakes up and go and /fix/ it

 (ignoring the fact that she isn’t 100% sure she can fix everything, that talon’s done some horrible, horrible things that even with her nanotech and her skills might not be reversible--she doesn’t think she could possibly make it worse, but. it’s been long enough that her brain has adapted and has learned how to function without the parts it had had, it has a level of plasticity that is normally only found in children, which on one hand means it could be easier to fix the damage, or it could be easier to ruin it more.) 

(she thinks and thinks and thinks and eventually, she carefully puts the files away and goes back to her room where she starts digging through her own old files. 

the one for shimada, genji, still haunts her. he has never said anything, has always seemed grateful, but it’s the patient that later made her realize how disconnected she became from the people she was helping. she feels tremendous guilt, and shame, and horror over the choices she made in regards to shimada, genji.  

it’s a reminder she needed, and she takes a deep breath, and she returns to the infirmary.) 

“widowmaker, let me talk to you about what the files you brought with me mean,” she says carefully. widowmaker is propped up in one of the infirmary cots and looking at her, unimpressed. mercy spreads out the files carefully and starts pointing out pictures and how things tie together

“you’re basically saying that they have mutilated my brain and you wish to fix it, correct?” she asks slowly. “will.... ‘fixing’ it make me more efficient?” 

mercy says, honestly, “i don’t know. it depends on how you define efficient.” 

“efficient for this organization’s purposes.” 

“for our purposes?” mercy asks, surprised. “on one hand, no, it won’t make you more efficient. you’ll probably question us and question what missions we want you to take, and you’ll most likely doubt yourself. 

“on the other hand, you’ll fit into our team better and begin to heal, and it would be a morale boost, which would, in turn cause the others to improve their abilities, i imagine.” 

“you’ll do as you wish, regardless,” widowmaker says blandly. 

“i want to know what you think,” she persists. “do you think this is a course of action that will be beneficial to you? as an individual?” 

“for your morals? most likely. for the purposes and uses i’ve been created for? no.” 

they go around in circles for much longer, but eventually mercy says, loudly, “if we are asking me as a doctor, i believe these surgeries attempting to reconstruct the parts of your brain that have been harmed would be the best course of action. do you or do you not consent to the treatment?” 

widowmaker stares at her for a long moment. tilts her head and stares a little longer. eventually shrugs and says, “i do.” 

(and that’s the beginning of widowmaker becoming something more than just an assassin.) 

[omeglerpsokyeah-blog]

Wolfstar #3

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You both like wolfstar, and drarry. You: [Summer break before sixth year. Remus broke up with Sirius and still isn’t speaking to him after The Prank at the end of fifth year. Sirius has just ran away from home and shown up at the Potters, completely out of it and badly injured.] Something happened with Sirius. Before you say it, I know you’re not talking to or about him but it’s serious this time. He’s ran away from home. JP Stranger: Is he alright? RL You: Not 100% sure, mate. He hasn't spoke a word since he got here. JP
Looks a bit bruised up, though. JP Stranger: When did he get there? RL You: About an hour ago. JP Stranger: Alright. Well, I'm glad he's gotten away from home then. He's safe with you. RL You: Yeah. I guess. JP
Just thought you'd wanna know. JP Stranger: Thanks for telling me. I hope he's alright. RL You: [next morning - to groupchat] Sirius update. He's awake. Finally letting my mum fix up his injuries. Stubborn ass. JP
Am I still okay to come over later, James? About 5? PP
Yeah. That's cool, Pete. PP Stranger: Has he said what happened? Is he doing okay? RL You: He woke up in the night so we talked some. Something happened with his mum and she started setting a little physical. Mum says it looks like some of the marks are from curses. But I don't want to push him. JP Stranger: He's staying with you now, though? Permanently? RL You: Definitely. No way mother Potter is gonna let him out of her sight again. JP Stranger: Alright. Good. I'm sure it will be much better for him. RL You: Rem, are you coming to the Potters too? PP Stranger: Ah... no I wasn't planning on it, Peter. I'm still not on speaking terms with Sirius. RL You: Oh. Okay, fair enough. PP
He was asking for you, last night. JP
Is that fair to say? I wasn't judging you for not coming, just. A fact. JP Stranger: [delayed] I'll consider it. But you know what he did, James. I can't just forget and forgive that because Sirius has problems to deal with too. Even if they are serious problems. RL You: Nobody's asking you to forgive him. And certainly not to forget. I understand. JP Stranger: I may come over tonight. Would me and Peter be too much? RL You: Actually, I think it's exactly what he needs, right now. JP Stranger: Alright. Well. I'll think about it. RL You: Let me know. JP
Pete, come over whenever. My folks know you're coming. JP Stranger: [an hour later] I'll be there too. RL You: Want me to tell him? JP Stranger: I suppose I shouldn't just surprise him. That wouldn't be fair. RL You: Right. I'll let him know. JP You: [delayed] You don't have to come. SB Stranger: It's alright, Sirius. I wasn't going to ignore you forever. And maybe now is better then when we're back in school. RL You: I don't want you to forgive me just because my family's a fuck up. SB Stranger: I'm not going to forgive you over that. But you deserve support. And I want to make sure you're okay. RL You: I'm fine. SB Stranger: I believe you. I still want to see you, unless you don't want to see me. RL You: It's not that I don't want to see you. Of course I do. SB
But you haven't spoken to me in months, and I don't want you to feel you have to just because of this. SB Stranger: I know I don't have to. RL You: Alright. Come then. SB Stranger: I'll see you tonight then, Sirius. RL You: [delayed] Come by floo, if you can. It's quickest. JP Stranger: Yeah, of course. That was my plan. I'll be there at five sharp. Unless, is Peter already there? RL You: Not yet. Why? JP Stranger: Well, if he was there, I might drop by a little earlier. But I didn't want to come too much before him. RL You: He'll probably be here a little before five, but come whenever. Mum will do us food and stuff, and you can obviously stay. JP Stranger: Are you sure there's enough space? I don't want to be a burden. RL You: There's plenty of room. Don't be ridiculous. JP
We'll most likely spread out blankets on the living room floor and all crash there. JP Stranger: Alright. That sounds nice, actually. I've been getting a little lonely up here. RL You: Just a pre-warning. Sirius isn't .. like, Sirius, right now. Understandably. JP
I just want you to know before you come, so it's not some big surprise. He's pretty quiet and withdrawn. JP Stranger: I figured as much. He seemed a little off when he talked to me. RL You: He's mostly just sleeping. Like, a lot. JP
I don't even know if he even realises what's going on. JP Stranger: How did he get to your house? RL You: No idea. Wasn't magic, can't have been. He wasn't strong enough. JP Stranger: And not floo? RL You: Nope. Came straight to the door, sopping wet. JP Stranger: He can't have walked. That would be crazy. Muggle transport? Broom? RL You: No broom. Maybe muggle transport, but don't you need muggle money for that? JP Stranger: Yes. You do. He won't answer when you ask? RL You: Says he can't remember. JP Stranger: Did he have a confundus charm cast on him or something? RL You: I honestly have no idea, moons. JP
I mean, I knew his family was messed up, but not like this. I didn't think they'd physically hurt him. JP Stranger: I'm not surprised, given what he's said about them. His mother always seemed on the brink. RL You: At least he's out. JP Stranger: Yes. Exactly. RL You: Peter just got here. JP
See you around five? JP Stranger: Around five, yeah. RL You: [you wanna do paras?] Stranger: [sure! you want to start or me?] You: [you can go for it if you like!] Stranger: [Okay] Stranger: Remus had considered simply not going. Nothing about his qualms with Sirius had changed between today and yesterday. All that had changed was Sirius's situation. Still, knowing that a very confused and battered Sirius had turned up injured at James's house and was still unlike himself, Remus couldn't help but want to see him, just to check with his own eyes and make sure he was okay, and maybe offer some comfort. It wasn't as though he hated Sirius, after all. He didn't even dislike him. He was just so shocked and hurt by last year's prank that it was difficult to look at him. But come fall, he was going to have to face Sirius every day anyway. Maybe it was better they broke the ice now. With a small bag packed (clothes to sleep in and change into, a toothbrush, chocolate and a book in case he couldn't sleep) Remus took a handful of floo powder from the bowl above the mantle in his house and, after saying his destination and closing his eyes for the dizzying ride,opened his eyes on the Potter's living room, brushing the ash out of his curls and off of his jumper before he stepped out, glancing around for James, Sirius, Peter, Mr. or Mrs. Potter. Anyone, really. You: Mrs Potter was the first to spot Remus, having been preparing dinner for all the boys in the kitchen. "Oh, Remus. Look at you, so tall. So handsome." She fussed over the boy - considering she was a mother, she thought it to be her job to. It seemed some of these boys didn't get enough love from their own blood. "Alright. Down, mother." James interrupted, pushing the door shut behind him and offering Remus a small, apologetic smile. "Sorry, mate." Mrs Potter, despite her enthusiastic entity, looked fairly worn out. James wasn't exactly looking his best, either. His dark complexity seemed paler, his hair sticking up this way and that, even more than normal. "Peter's in the living room. Sirius is still sleeping." He added, glancing at the grandfather clock in the hallway. Stranger: Remus chuckled and pinked slightly around the ears, at once endeared to Mrs. Potter by her perennial sweetness and utterly unsure how to respond to the fussing. "Growing like a weed, my mother says," He agreed, rubbing one of the fresher scars that cut across his cheek self-consciously, "Thanks for having me, Mrs. Potter." He glanced up when James, with typical brusqueness, stepped into the room. Remus was used to seeing James in most forms, given the ups and downs of quidditch and his attempts at wooing Lily Evans, and today was a definite bad day. He looked a bit ashen, and his hair was a riotous mess. Remus's brow furrowed. "Are you alright, James?" He asked, taking a step closer as he hitched up his bag, "You look... off." You: "Yeah, yeah. Just," James shrugged, once again running his hands through the mess of tangles he called hair. "You know, with Sirius and stuff." At once, he brushed away the topic, able to notice from years of experience, the way his mum was beginning to eavesdrop of the conversation. Angling her body purposely away from them, but keeping her head fairly far back. Amateur. James hadn't kept anything from her, really. He'd told her what he knew about the family, ish. If he'd gone in details, he knew his mother would've been storming through the Black's manor like a force to be reckoned with. Quite scary she could be, Mrs Potter. "Let's head into the room," he muttered, leading his way through a long hallway, monumental photos issued at every interval. James' first birthday, his first quidditch broom. The odd photo of Sirius, too. "Hi, Moony." Peter smiled from his spot on the floor, haven developed quite a friendship with the Potter's cat, which was currently curled in his lap. Stranger: Remus followed James's glance towards Mrs. Potter and swallowed a smile. Of course she would be interested in milking every possible detail of of James. Especially considering Sirius's condition, James was a far preferable source of information over Sirius himself. He wasn't sure how much James had told his mother, but Remus guessed it must not be everything. Considering how protective Mrs. Potter was, Remus wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to pass Sirius's curse marks off as being the result of a brawl with a rival or something. Not his mother. He followed James into the living room, glancing at the portraits on the wall as they passed, and smiling when at last he saw Peter. "Hi Wormtail," He greeted, "Shouldn't you have a natural aversion to cats, considering?" And then, more gravely, "Have you gotten a chance to see Sirius yet?" You: James collapsed onto one of the sofas, running a hand over his face. Last night, he'd gotten hardly any sleep. The night was either filled with talking to Sirius, or staying awake to check he was still bloody breathing, despite his mother's assurances of his respiratory functions. Worst of all, despite everything, James felt guilty. They'd all known about Sirius' family situation - maybe not to the abusive extent it went, but at least some. And to credit them, they'd tried to get him to leave. James had always said he was welcome at the Potters, that he was as good as family already. But there was still something tugging at James, as if he could've done more. "Not yet, no." Peter brushed cat hairs from his trousers, sniffing. "Only got here like an hour ago and he's been asleep, so." The three boys filled the next three hours with food, talk of what they'd done over the holidays, and a game of snaps. (Mrs Potter quickly put an end to that.) It was passing into the late evening and blankets were layered over the living room floor when Sirius joined them, pausing by the door. His long hair, longer than usual, framed his bruised face, turned away from the peering eyes of his best mates. "Oh, hey." He muttered, lifting his gaze just slightly and taking the seat besides James. Stranger: While usually Remus would have enjoyed his time with James and Peter easily-- eating Mrs. Potter's excellent cooking, chatting, sharing his chocolate and playing (albeit short-lived) games, he couldn't manage to relax, knowing that Sirius was sleeping away for hours at a time just a few yards away, exiled from his family, injured and probably very unhappy. Beyond that, there was the anxiety of talking to someone he was still angry with, but couldn't bear to see hurt. They hadn't spoken in months, and now he was here when Sirius was at his most vulnerable. He'd have to watch himself-- to make sure he said only what he meant, not things that were too soft and sweet, and that would burn away again once Sirius was well. He glanced up when Sirius came in, frowning faintly at the sight of the bruises before Sirius shied away from Peter's and his concerned looks. His hair was at least an inch longer than it had been when school had ended. Remus dropped his gaze. "Hi, Sirius," He said, "How are you feeling?" You: Easily, James through his arm around his brother and, just as easily, Sirius lent into it. His home - or his old home - did strange things to him, whenever he had to spend prolonged amounts of time there. It was like he would forget that people were capable of showing affection, that not everybody else adopts the cold, 'tough love' that his own parents do. Days, he could manage. But school holidays dawned on him like a storm, building up throughout the last couple weeks of the term and festering inside of him. Of course, he'd never show that. Black pride is perhaps the only thing he has to show of his heritage. That was why coming to the Potters was always such a culture shock. If he was good for his parents, he was allowed to come to the Potters for two weeks of the holiday. Meaning he could go if he shut the hell up and stayed out of his parents way, unless it was to attend grand, ridiculous balls or be forced to chat to females for a possible future wife. Purebloods only, of course. Keep the blood clean. /Bullshit/. But then he'd come here, where everything is extravagant displays of affection, with Mrs Potter and her fussing and Mr Potter with his pat on the back and, you look good, son, and sometimes Sirius wondered what James must've done in his past life to deserve a family like this. And what Sirius must've done to deserve one like his own. "I'm alright. Just confused, I guess." He shrugged, resting his head on James' shoulder. James began to pass him a hair tie from his wrist, before hesitating and tying Sirius' hair up himself. Silently, Sirius thanked him. His arms were much too tired for that. "Looking good, Wormtail." Sirius nodded towards the pyjamas, bright blue with yellow dots, a hint of a smile on his face. Stranger: Remus smiled faintly and nodded. "I'm glad you got here alright. It's nice to see you again." The air felt tense and the conversation a little stilted between himself and Sirius. Sirius seemed not at ease, exactly. Not /born/ to lean against James's shoulder or sprawl out on the couch like he did sometimes-- the good times. But he seemed comfortable with James, like he belonged there, and there was something of his usual attitude in the way he talked to Peter too. Then again, their normal had been destroyed when Sirius had nearly sent Severus to his death by Remus's teeth last school year. Still, Remus found it a little difficult to believe Sirius had asked for him. Remus drew a knee to his chest and wrapped his arms around it, resting his chin on them and trying not to watch the tender fraternal exchange between James and Sirius, as James tied his hair up for him. Maybe, if he had only written Sirius, or cleared the air with him last spring, Remus could have prevented this, somehow. Gotten Sirius to leave home before the lightning struck. You: Sirius wasn't sure what his mother had cursed him with - only remembered a lick of pain across his side and a brief feeling of fire burning through his veins, and then it was gone. It had taken Sirius the couple days he'd been here to even think up that memory, having to distinguish whether it had really happened or he'd fabricated it from thin air. It felt hazy, and broken, the way a dream did. Somehow, afterwards, he'd ended up at the Potters. He was still trying to fit the pieces between those two events, but every time he thought about it, he was reminded of the excruciating headache resting just behind his eyes. Everything ached and burnt, but it somehow felt better with his friends here. "It's really nice to see you again, too. Really." Sirius looked over at his old friend, his ex boyfriend, and looked away once more. Similar sensation to the headache. Slowly, the boys started to lose some of the tension. Wormtail returned to his ridiculous self, discussing some sort of muggle theory on aliens he'd heard about from his muggle aunt. James argued with his father over quidditch, when Mr Potter popped in. And Remus stayed quiet, offering small comments and laughter, here and there. But that was Remus. Sirius - well, he was just tired. Stranger: At least it didn't stay tense for too long. Remus had wanted both Peter and James there for a reason-- to dilute the strangeness between himself and Sirius, to make it easier for him to act normal, without freezing up too much. Eventually, he was able to relax into the evening again, trying not to notice the way Sirius looked at him-- or didn't look at him-- or the bruises on Sirius's skin, or just how tired he looked still, even after all that sleep. Eventually, Remus got up to brush his teeth and change into his own pajamas, which now stopped an inch or two too short of his ankles, considering his recent growth spurt, trying not to toy too much with the holes in the hem of his t-shirt, lest they get any bigger. It was getting late, and the evening felt as though it was winding down as people got more tired. Remus was gradually gathering a small nest of blankets around himself, talking less, and still trying not to look too hard at Sirius, because as much as it burned not to look at him, it pained him even more to look, and he didn't want to make Sirius uncomfortable, regardless. You: Wormtail was the first one to fall asleep, which any of them could've put money on. Despite how exhausted he felt, Sirius was having a hard time transforming that feeling into actually actions, meaning James eventually fell asleep, head in Sirius' lap. He was just thankful that the other could actually sleep, knowing he'd been up all night to look after Sirius. All that was left was Remus, Sirius and the odd soft snores of James. The two of them seemed to be pointedly /not/ looking at one another, and the awkwardness was starting to build up again, and Sirius was too drained to feel uncomfortable. "I know I've told you this a million times, but I regret what I did that night. More than I've ever regretted anything else." His voice was strained, probably not used to speak coherent sentences after a full five weeks of saying nothing more than the odd 'yes, sir' and 'no, ma'am'. Still, he didn't look at Remus, just watched his own hand, which was currently tangled in James' hair. Stranger: Remus could hear the disuse and exhaustion in Sirius's voice, and frowned again, just a little, as he actually looked up at Sirius for the first time in what felt like an hour. Sirius wasn't looking at him, though, so Remus glanced away again to study his own fingers and the wash-worn fabric of his shirt. "I know," Remus whispered in return, after a few seconds of silence, words coming only hesitantly, "I just... I would never have thought you would do something like that. You've-- we've-- always been... unfriendly to Snape, but to actually do something that could kill him, to potentially turn me into what I'm so afraid of being without thinking about what that would mean to me, above and beyond whatever punishment I would receive. I just never expected that out of you. I was shocked. I still don't understand it. But I still care about you, and worry about you, and want you to be happy. I'll... move past it. Eventually. And this isn't about me right now." You: "It's always about you," Sirius whispered, more to himself, though he knew Remus would able to hear him through the silence that had engulfed the room. "That wasn't ever - It wasn't about killing him, or making you into anything, definitely not some sort of monster. Which I never, ever saw you as. Believe me. And that was part of the problem," he paused slightly as James shuffled, mumbling something about the snitch quietly, and then fading back into snores. "I never saw you as that monster. Maybe I didn't understand the danger I was putting Snape in, and maybe I did. But I didn't want him dead. I'm not - I'm not like that. Like them." Deciding to blurt out the entrance to the Whomping Willow was singlehandedly the most self-destructive thing Sirius had ever done, looking past the destruction it caused to Moony and Snape, obviously. But it lost him one of his best friends - James too, for a while. And Remus broke up with him. "I just want to say that I'm sorry, though I'm sure you're sick of hearing that from me." Stranger: "If that's what you think," Remus murmured, despite himself, even though he knew Sirius had not really been addressing him, "Then you underestimate your own importance, Sirius." Because this night, inarguably as far as Remus was concerned, should be focused on helping Sirius feel better. He drew his other knee up to his chest as well as Sirius kept speaking, drawing himself into a ball as he stared across the living room at the curtains that kept out the moonlight. Waning gibbous, he knew without looking. He had a few weeks before the next night. His mouth twitched when Sirius said he never saw him as a monster, and Remus, despite his sharp misgivings in the days following the prank, believed him. It was still a selfish, short-sighted, foolish thing to do that had broken Remus's trust in Sirius, and allowed Snape to figure out his secret, but at least Remus could cling to that. "I know," He murmured at last, "Thank you, Padfoot. I want to be friends again. To act like friends again." You: "I want that, too." Truthfully, Sirius wanted everything to go back to how it had been before. For Remus to trust him, for the two of them to be okay again. To be /them/ again, but he understood that couldn't happen. And he wouldn't put Remus in a position where he asked for it, either. For now, friends worked. And if that was all they ever was going to be, that would have to work too. Slowly, over the next week, Sirius gained a little more strength. Mrs Potter had confirmed that it had been a confundus charm and that it would start to fade. Sirius felt it happen as it did, everything seemed to come into focus and he could actually focus on one conversation at a time. Peter had to go home after a few days to start packing for Hogwarts, because he was staying with his muggle relatives. But Remus stuck around, and they were okay, too. They weren't them, but they were okay. There were still bad moments mingled in there, too - like when his parents sent the letter to the Potters, officially disowning him as their son and withdrawing any family rights. There was no emotion to the letter, no grief over the loss of their son, but also no bitterness. Overall, it was a simple dear Sirius, you're not our son anymore and you can't have our money. Signed off with a sharp signature. Sirius had been the one to get the post, and was sat at the dinner table, letter clutched in his hands and /definitely not tears in his eyes/ when Remus walked in. Because they were awful people, truly, but they were still his family. Stranger: Remus didn't really /need/ Peter by the time Peter left. He didn't stay at the Potter's the whole time. He ducked home every other day or so to spend a few hours at home, or get something, or check in with his parents. But even so, he became habituated to life there, kipping on the couch, or the floor beside the couch, depending, and chatting with James and Sirius until it felt almost natural again, even though he didn't touch Sirius in the way that he had before the prank because they weren't together anymore, and Remus was not about to go diving into it again too fast. Mrs. Potter had dragged James out shopping with her, so when Remus wandered into the kitchen, he and Sirius were perfectly alone. One glance between Sirius and the letter gave him a decent idea of just what was written inside. Sirius looked like he was trying desperately to hold back tears. Remus's brow furrowed. "From your parents?" He asked, going to lean against the chair next to Sirius. You: "Yeah," Sirius managed, clearing his throat a couple times before tossing the letter in the general direction of Remus. As the other read it, Sirius tried to keep his focus on something else - the pattern of the dining cloth, the continuous hooting of the delivery owl by the window. Just something so he wouldn't cry, or get mad. They seemed to be the only emotions his family elicited from him recently. The neglect of money wasn't an issue - Sirius didn't give a shit about any of that. He could get a job if he needed, and he knew he could stay here for however long he wanted. But seeing the disowning from his family so clearly stated. It was the finality about it that frightened him, and Sirius began to wonder if he'd ever see his family again - he'd see Regulus at school, but what about after that? Stranger: Remus snatched the letter out of the air and read it, the furrow deepening in his brow. The tone was cold. Indifferent. The farthest thing from familial Remus could imagine, which, he supposed, was fitting, considering the letter's contents. It was tempting to say good riddance to Walburga and most of the rest of the Black family, but it was obvious that Sirius didn't see it that way at the moment, which was more than understandable. Even after everything, they were still his family, people who were supposed to love him unconditionally. "I'm sorry, Sirius," He said at last, setting the letter aside, "You deserve so much better than that. But you'll always have a home with the Potters. James and Mr. and Mrs. Potter will always adore you, and Peter, and me. I-- know that doesn't make up for everything. But you don't have a shortage of people who love and care for you. And any members of your family who want to reach out to you, I'm sure they'll find a way." You: Sirius wiped angrily at his cheeks, knowing that it was useless trying to stop the crying now - especially since Remus had started talking. Sirius did not deserve. He didn't deserve the kind words and the promises of loves - none of it. Remus was far too good for him, too kind. Mostly, Sirius was just glad that Remus hadn't tried to brush this off. He would've understood if any of his friends had turned around, asked him why he still cared after all they'd done, asked him why he wasted tears over them. He would'e understood, really, he just wouldn't've known how the hell to respond. "Yeah," he managed, again, voice thick. He sniffed once, letting his head fall into his hands. Stranger: Remus didn't say anything. He wouldn't stop Sirius from crying, even if the tears that Sirius was trying fruitlessly to dash from his eyes were making his own chest ache. Pulling out the chair he had been leaning against, Remus sat down beside Sirius, and after a moment of hesitation, wrapped an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him close, until his head brushed close to Sirius's, side to side. He just sat there silently, holding Sirius in a half hug and waiting for him to either draw away, or draw closer, or say something, but beyond that just giving him the opportunity to cry all he needed to, over the loss of the family that was already so much less than he deserved You: Honestly, Sirius couldn't decide if having Remus comforting him like this was making it better or worse. Now, all he could think about was the times before when they'd hold each other like this, and suddenly he wasn't just grieving the loss of his family, but the loss of a relationship which had meant so much to him. All because he'd behaved like - like a Black. But he didn't try to move away, of course he didn't. Without knowing it, this was what he'd needed these past couple of days. Or one of the things he'd needed; a shower, food, Peter to make him laugh, James to remind him he has a family, and Remus to make him feel loved again. It took a handful of minutes for him to calm down but, once he had, he titled his head to the side slightly, his cheek resting against the palm of his hand that was propped on the table. His and Remus' faces were fairly close. "Thank you. I don't - I don't deserve that. Thank you." Stranger: Remus sat there the whole time, unmoving, just letting Sirius cry until he had reached a sort of equilibrium, though even after he stopped he didn't draw away. Sirius was warm beside him, and he missed this. He wasn't as physical as James and Sirius were-- he could count the times that he had fallen asleep leaning against James or with his head in his lap on one hand, and it happened even more rarely with Peter-- but he hadn't realized how much he had missed hugging Sirius, being physically close to him. It was soothing, and even given the grave context of this embrace, he couldn't help but enjoy it a little. "You absolutely deserve it, Pads," Remus said when Sirius spoke, "You deserve a family that loves you. And maybe you weren't born into that family, but you have it now." You: ((I really have to go cos I have to be up for work in like 5 hours, but I'm really loving this so if you want to continue send your reply to - morgan_ine@hotmail.com and I'll reply when I can tomorrow! Thanks soo much for this, I loved it)) You have disconnected.

[maslife]

Crossing the starting line at Black Canyon 100k. Thanks to my former coach Vince for snapping this shot (and letting me wear his warmer jacket while we waited).

The cold air nipped at us, and I struggled to stop shivering as we waited for the start of the Black Canyon 100k ultramarathon. Luckily, it was only a few moments of shiver-waiting, before it was time to cross the starting line. I tucked inside of my jacket a bit and put one foot in front of the other.

Those first 3 or 4 miles were rough. I shivered and tried to ignore the sound of my heavier-than-typical breathing. About 9 days before this moment, I woke up with a chest cold–a deep, dark, slimy and furry organism had burrowed in my chest, and it wasn’t moving out as quickly as I wished it would.

Cold or no cold, I had a mission for this race: finish in under 17 hours to get the qualifier for the Western States 100 lottery. It appears I have moved from the quest to race Kona, to get my name on the starting docket of Western States. So, here we go with my year 4 attempt for that famous race from Squaw to Auburn!

But, honestly, that 17-hour finish was just the basic, bottom-tier goal. I put a lot of energy into training for Black Canyon – trying new things, forcing new adaptations – and before I got sick, I was feeling pretty damn skippy. I had a super secret goal, and as I started the race, I still wanted it.

Cold be damned!

As I got to the 4-ish mile mark, I could feel the air temperatures warming up, and my body was feeling better. In fact, I felt good.

Relief! Perhaps being sick wasn’t going to keep me from my super secret goal.

The sun was shining, the air was clean, and the trails for the Black Canyon 100k are absolutely beautiful! This race features more rugged terrain than Javelina Jundred (another Arapaiva Running race that I’ve done). The trail was fun and zippy, treating us to plenty of rocks, switchbacks, climbing and descending. If you like rhythm running, this isn’t a good course to pick! The terrain changes regularly.

I ran based solely on feel for about the first 30 miles, so I was surprised when I finally looked at my watch to see how far ahead of my plan I was. So far ahead, in fact, that by the time I got to mile 30, I had caught up with John!

More importantly than the pacing I was feeling great. I beat this cold! 

And then… (cue the downward spiral music)

Somewhere around mile 38ish, my breathing became rapid and shallow. Even though we weren’t moving any differently, I COULD. NOT. control my breathing and run at the same time.

It’s a simple equation that I failed to take into consideration at the start: Lingering chest cold + asthma = I was kidding myself.

From that point on, I had to walk much more than I could run to prevent hacking coughs that were so violent, I teetered on the verge of (and sometimes over the verge of) puking. (The day after the race, my back was more sore than any place else from all of the coughing.)

I’ll spare you all of the gory details (again, think slimy, dark and furry).

Those details aren’t necessary because this post isn’t really about the race – even though that’s how I opened it. This post is about dealing with the disappointment I felt about the race.

Yes, I finished in under 17 hours – a hard fought 15:XX-something (I haven’t even had the heart to look at the results for my specific finish time–and please, don’t you go looking either, okay?). I coughed between giggles (and giggled between coughs), and told the voices to f*ck off. I was finishing today.

In fact, John and I laughed a lot in those later miles of the race. We confirmed again: it is a choice to miserable – even in the darkest moments.

So, yes, basic mission accomplished.

But, that super secret goal? Yeah, not even close. The most frustrating part is that my legs felt good to run – but my lungs wouldn’t have it. Every time I even so much as trotted, I found myself hands on knees, doubled-over in spasms of coughing.

As I write this post, I’m sitting here with bronchitis. So, yup, I did a number on myself – all to get that WSER lottery qualifier.

Yet, I’m disappointed. I put in a lot of effort and energy – physical and psychic for Black Canyon 100k. And, I fell way short of what I think I am capable of. Ugh. I hate this feeling.

So, what do I do with that disappointment? This is what I want to talk about.

Wallow In It

First, I let myself wallow in it. This may not be what you expected to read – but let me explain.

I let myself feel the disappointment. I acknowledge that it’s okay and reasonable to feel disappointed. If I didn’t feel something, then it would mean that I didn’t care. While I have my fair share of limiters, emotional passion is not one of them.

For me, if I don’t take the time to process the emotions – they will come back later in very ugly ways. So, yeah, I identify it and process it. But, I put a limit on it until I re-direct the emotions.

Re-Direct It

It’s not healthy or helpful to sit in the wallowing process for too long. I give myself about a day to feel sorry for myself, and then shut it off. I cannot change what happened – so it does me little good to keep focusing on it once I’ve grieved the loss.

I re-direct the grief by looking to the future. I love having goals and something to “shoot for.” In the wake of disappointment (and even in the wake of triumph), I move on to identify the next set of limits to push.

So, I take my emotions and channel them into something that is more directly in my control. You know, like heading over to UltraSignUp to find a new race :-).

Separate Outcome from Identity

One race, one day of training doesn’t define me as an athlete – and it certainly doesn’t define me as a person. Of all of the responses to disappointment, this is probably the hardest one for me. My zest for life – shall I call it that? – comes with a very all-in type of approach to things.

When I am IN something – I  AM IN IT. I don’t do half-way very well.

One of the issues, however, is that I can tend to over-attribute the things that I do with who I am. If something I do is off the mark of what I want, it can pose a very strong identity-threat. Yes, what we do contributes to who we are and who we become, but any one act of “doing” is not the essence of our souls.

Part of the challenge for me is over-ascribing too much importance to outcome – instead of privileging the importance of the process and the life journey. In terms of outcome, Black Canyon 100k was waaaayyyy shy of the mark.

But, in terms of process, I’ve learned several very valuable lessons – as well as reminders. This outcome doesn’t define me – but this journey is a part of who I am and who I will continue to become.

Be grateful. 

When we returned home from the race, John said, “Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you something about the race.”

“Yeah? What’s that?” I replied.

“Mission accomplished. We got the qualifier. Now we can do what we want this year.” He put out his fist for our traditional fist bump, which we do before we start and finish every race.

I smiled. While I still felt that pang of disappointment in the moment we had this conversation, I knew he was right. And, this brings me to what is perhaps the most important way to deal with disappointment:

All emotions – from disappointment to triumph, from despair to joy – let us know we are alive. I am fortunate that my disappointments are incredibly minimal in the grand scale of human challenges. When I think about the depth of human tragedy, I cannot help but feel grateful for the blessings in my life.

The Buckles.

Dealing with Disappointment: Black Canyon 100k The cold air nipped at us, and I struggled to stop shivering as we waited for the start of the…