#ok story time: when I was nine we had a victorian day at school where we had to dress up as a victorian

[freckleslikestars]

The Gilded Age

The House of Mirth (2000)

[welllpthisishappening]

Welllp These Are Books: the March 2021 Edition

There aren’t even any pictures! Except in that one book where there were pictures! It was weird! This was a weird book month! Back at it again with thoughts and opinions about a whole mess of books that no one explicitly asked for, but I’ve got lots of thoughts and opinions and they only count if I share them on the internet. Seriously, someone let me go to a baseball game soon. Obligatory warning for spoilers and vaguely unhinged rants under the cut. As always, feel free to come tell me what else I should be reading at literally any time ever.

Best Book of the Month Honors Goes to This Book, Even Though They Called It Halftime at a Hockey Game. A Hockey Game!

The Dating Plan by Sara Desai

Daisy Patel is a software engineer who understands lists and logic better than bosses and boyfriends. With her life all planned out, and no interest in love, the one thing she can't give her family is the marriage they expect. Left with few options, she asks her childhood crush to be her decoy fiancé. Liam Murphy is a venture capitalist with something to prove. When he learns that his inheritance is contingent on being married, he realizes his best friend's little sister has the perfect solution to his problem. A marriage of convenience will get Daisy's matchmaking relatives off her back and fulfill the terms of his late grandfather's will. If only he hadn’t broken her tender teenage heart nine years ago… Sparks fly when Daisy and Liam go on a series of dates to legitimize their fake relationship. Too late, they realize that very little is convenient about their arrangement. History and chemistry aren't about to follow the rules of this engagement.

— Ok, it’s important to know that I really did love this book. It hit all my trope-wants. Childhood friends, incredibly stupid misunderstandings, pining, seriously God the pining, fake engagement, BANTER. It was all going great. I was occasionally swooning. They kept making out! And then! THEN. They went to a hockey game. On a date. A fake date. Cool, cool, cool. All tropes, all the time right? Not so fast, internet! Because these self-proclaimed Sharks SUPER FANS referred to intermission as “halftime was coming up.” Halftime! At a hockey game! That’s—that’s not how hockey works! If this hadn’t been “traditionally” published, I probably could have let it slide. But that was not the case. This was a “real” book with, I can only assume, real editors. All of whom saw the words halftime and hockey near each other and we’re like YEAH, PRINT THAT SHIT. I read that at nearly one in the morning and seriously considered waking Justin up to be like CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS IN A REAL BOOK? Anyway, it was still real cute. Everyone lived happily ever after. It made want to eat samosas.

This Book Had Pictures, It Was Weird

Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews

On the outside, Dina Demille is the epitome of normal. She runs a quaint Victorian Bed and Breakfast in a small Texas town, owns a Shih Tzu named Beast, and is a perfect neighbor, whose biggest problem should be what to serve her guests for breakfast. But Dina is...different:  Her broom is a deadly weapon; her Inn is magic and thinks for itself. Meant to be a lodging for otherworldly visitors, the only permanent guest is a retired Galactic aristocrat who can’t leave the grounds because she’s responsible for the deaths of millions and someone might shoot her on sight. Under the circumstances, "normal" is a bit of a stretch for Dina.

And now, something with wicked claws and deepwater teeth has begun to hunt at night...Feeling responsible for her neighbors, Dina decides to get involved. Before long, she has to juggle dealing with the annoyingly attractive, ex-military, new neighbor, Sean Evans—an alpha-strain werewolf—and the equally arresting cosmic vampire soldier, Arland, while trying to keep her inn and its guests safe. But the enemy she’s facing is unlike anything she’s ever encountered before. It’s smart, vicious, and lethal, and putting herself between this creature and her neighbors might just cost her everything.

— So, Ilona Andrews is a name that keeps coming up because when I borrow a book from the library I have to go through Kindle and Amazon is like...here are some other absurd fantasy romances you’d enjoy. Also, one of her other series had been recc’ed to me. Only problem? The first book in that series is the only book in that series not available at my library. So, I was like, ok, I’ll start this one instead. It was...weird. Honestly, it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the story and the narrator was like, well why don’t you already know what’s going on? In theory the world building was cool. (I was not expecting alien werewolves, lemme tell you that!) But also it all felt very rushed and the end just sorta happened.

In Which I Continue to Love “Same Verse” Books & No One Else Had Sex in the Port Jeff High School Dugout. For Which I Was Grateful

Love Her or Lose Her by Tessa Bailey

Rosie and Dominic Vega are the perfect couple: high school sweethearts, best friends, madly in love. Well, they used to be anyway. Now Rosie’s lucky to get a caveman grunt from the ex-soldier every time she walks in the door. Dom is faithful and a great provider, but the man she fell in love with ten years ago is nowhere to be found. When her girlfriends encourage Rosie to demand more out of life and pursue her dream of opening a restaurant, she decides to demand more out of love, too. Three words: marriage boot camp.

Never in a million years did Rosie believe her stoic, too-manly-to-emote husband would actually agree to relationship rehab with a weed-smoking hippie. Dom talking about feelings? Sitting on pillows? Communing with nature? Learning love languages? Nope. But to her surprise, he’s all in, and it forces her to admit her own role in their cracked foundation. As they complete one ridiculous—yet surprisingly helpful—assignment after another, their remodeled relationship gets stronger than ever. Except just as they’re getting back on track, Rosie discovers Dom has a secret... and it could demolish everything.

— Listen, one of my absolutely favorite tropes that I do not think gets enough love in the world is COMMITTED LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. And, like, ok, sure the premise of this was that they were separating in that long-lasting relationship. But no one really believed that, did they? Rosie and Dominic were real cute and their banter was good and I wasn’t totally skeeved out when they literally fucked on the kitchen floor. So, I think that’s saying something. Also, also! I seriously appreciated the realism of this book because no one on Long Island would ever call Manhattan Manhattan. It’s the city. Every other borough gets a name, but Manhattan is just the city and I nearly cheered when they said that. But also, no one’s taking a cab from Port Jeff to the Meatpacking District. You know what that would cost? God.

Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey

Hair, makeup, clothing, decor... everything in Bethany Castle's world is organized, planned, and styled to perfection. Which is why the homes she designs for her family's real estate business are the most coveted in town. The only thing not perfect? Her track record with men. She's on a dating hiatus and after helping her friends achieve their dreams, Bethany finally has time to focus on her own: flip a house, from framework to furnishings, all by herself. Except her older brother runs the company and refuses to take her seriously.

When a television producer gets wind of the Castle sibling rivalry, they’re invited on Flip Off, a competition to see who can do the best renovation. Bethany wants bragging rights, but she needs a crew and the only member of her brother's construction team willing to jump ship is Wes Daniels, the new guy in town. His Texas drawl and handsome face got under Bethany's skin on day one, and the last thing she needs is some cocky young cowboy in her way.

As the race to renovate heats up, Wes and Bethany are forced into close quarters, trading barbs and biting banter as they remodel the ugliest house on the block. It's a labor of love, hate, and everything in between, and soon sparks are flying. But Bethany's perfectly structured life is one kiss away from going up in smoke and she knows falling for a guy like Wes would be a flipping disaster.

— It should first be noted that in the three books of this series, I could not and cannot understand why Bethany’s brother was such a monumental dick. He was just...he was a dick. His marriage was awful. How long was his wife pregnant without him knowing???? I digress. This continued to be cute, Bethany was a legit heroine as far as those rom-com things go, Wes was very Texas and that got a little over the top, but they had sex in a bed like normal people so that helped. Oh, except that one time on the construction site. Whatever, this book was cute. This whole series was cute, really, and I was a big fan of the happy little wrap-everything-up with a bow ending.

Romance That Happens In Point Two Seconds Is...Unbelievable

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The road trip was definitely a bad idea. Having already flambéed her culinary career beyond recognition, Rita Clarkson is now stranded in God-Knows-Where, New Mexico, with a busted-ass car and her three temperamental siblings, who she hasn't seen in years. When rescue shows up---six-feet-plus of hot, charming sex on a motorcycle---Rita's pretty certain she's gone from the frying pan right into the fire . . . Jasper Ellis has a bad boy reputation in this town, and he loathes it. The moment he sees Rita, though, Jasper knows he's about to be sorely tempted. There's something real between them. Something raw. And Jasper has only a few days to show Rita that he isn't just for tonight---he's forever.

— For as much as I loved the Port Jeff series by my new pal Tessa, this one was...oof. Too much, guys. Too much. Fucking in trucks. Fucking in back offices. The whole book lasted, like, three days. And keep in mind this is coming from someone who has written like two million words about Killian Jones, self-loathing champ 250 years running, but Jasper’s self-loathing was a little over the top. Like, let’s not objectify dudes, but also...I don’t know guys. Maybe the other books in the series are better? I was mostly just annoyed by Rita.

What the Hell Happened at the End of This Book?? Seriously, I Have No Idea

The Queen’s Assassin by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the kingdom's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in speed, strength, or brains, which is why he's the Hearthstone Guild's most dangerous member. Cal is also the Queen's Assassin, bound to her by magic and unable to leave her service until the task she's set for him is fulfilled. Shadow of the Honey Glade has been training all her life to join the Guild, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Cal. But Shadow's mother and aunts expect her to serve the crown as a lady of the Renovian Court. When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice. Even though Shadow's life belongs to the court and Cal's belongs to the queen, they cannot deny their attraction to each other. But now, with war on the horizon and true love at risk, Shadow and Cal will uncover a shocking web of lies that will change their paths forever.

—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END OF THIS BOOK??? I figured out the so-called twist like...two chapters in. Fine, ok, whatever. It’s YA, this is not rocket science and I was interested enough in Cale and Shadow to see how it all played out. Only it didn’t really play out! Because the whole end was just this like four chapter retcon of basically EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED and I genuinely could not believe it was happening. It didn’t make sense?!? Like with the plot? Also, spoiler, good thing Shadow and the other king haven’t consummated their marriage yet since she and Cale totally fucked after her wedding? What is YA? Why is Amazon telling me this is a Teacher’s Pick? Why hasn’t my hold come through on the sequel yet so I know what happens next?

Low-Stakes Romance Was Real Boring and All The People Were Boring In It

The Ten Rules for Faking It by Sophie Sullivan

As birthdays go, this year’s for radio producer Everly Dean hit rock-bottom. Worse than the “tonsillectomy birthday.” Worse than the birthday her parents decided to split (the first time). But catching your boyfriend cheating on you with his assistant? Even clichés sting. But this is Everly’s year! She won’t let her anxiety hold her back. She’ll pitch her podcast idea to her boss. There’s just one problem. Her boss, Chris, is very cute. (Of course). Also, he's extremely distant (which means he hates her, right? Or is that the anxiety talking)? And, Stacey the DJ didn’t mute the mic during Everly’s rant about Simon the Snake (syn: Cheating Ex). That’s three problems. Suddenly, people are lining up to date her, Bachelorette-style, fans are voting (Reminder: never leave house again), and her interest in Chris might be a two-way street. It’s a lot for a woman who could gold medal in people-avoidance. She’s going to have to fake it ‘till she makes it to get through all of this. Perhaps she’ll make a list: The Ten Rules for Faking It. 

— I am a broken record. Shouting. From the highest hilltop. Just because you think someone is cute when you’re technically not supposed to be dating them does not mean you get to be anything less than nice around them! It’s not cute! And part two, which often goes with part one: rom com dudes have GOT to stop lying or hiding or otherwise avoiding telling people who they really are. It’s a convoluted, passably lazy way of writing and dropping a third-act bomb on the story. Don’t do it. Stop doing it. We’ve moved past the need for hidden identities. Unless he’s, like, a spy or something. Um...this was a weird book. I know Everly had anxiety and that became a PLOT POINT, patent pending, but she was also not super relatable? Which is crazy considering my very real, rather undiagnosed anxiety. Chris was boring. The whole plot, as this title suggests, was very low stakes and no one actually  seemed to remember that their jobs were ever on the line? Did Everly and Chris have a conversation before they decided they liked each other? Who can say, really.

Shipped by Angie Hockman

Between taking night classes for her MBA and her demanding day job at a cruise line, marketing manager Henley Evans barely has time for herself, let alone family, friends, or dating. But when she’s shortlisted for the promotion of her dreams, all her sacrifices finally seem worth it. The only problem? Graeme Crawford-Collins, the remote social media manager and the bane of her existence, is also up for the position. Although they’ve never met in person, their epic email battles are the stuff of office legend. Their boss tasks each of them with drafting a proposal on how to boost bookings in the Galápagos—best proposal wins the promotion. There’s just one catch: they have to go on a company cruise to the Galápagos Islands...together. But when the two meet on the ship, Henley is shocked to discover that the real Graeme is nothing like she imagined. As they explore the Islands together, she soon finds the line between loathing and liking thinner than a postcard. With her career dreams in her sights and a growing attraction to the competition, Henley begins questioning her life choices. Because what’s the point of working all the time if you never actually live?

— YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE TO DECIDE YOU LIKE THEM. AUTHORS REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. IF THEY ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY KISS WELL IT’S NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME. Back at it again with the annoying so-called heroine who was just...occasionally real mean to Graem for no reason at all? Also her name was Henley. Which is not a great reason to dislike her, but here we are.

Apparently I Read These Books Out Of Order. Who Knew?

Pride, Prejudice and Other Flavors by Sonali Dev

It is a truth universally acknowledged that only in an overachieving Indian American family can a genius daughter be considered a black sheep.

Dr. Trisha Raje is San Francisco’s most acclaimed neurosurgeon. But that’s not enough for the Rajes, her influential immigrant family who’s achieved power by making its own non-negotiable rules:

·       Never trust an outsider

·       Never do anything to jeopardize your brother’s political aspirations

·       And never, ever, defy your family

Trisha is guilty of breaking all three rules. But now she has a chance to redeem herself. So long as she doesn’t repeat old mistakes.

Up-and-coming chef DJ Caine has known people like Trisha before, people who judge him by his rough beginnings and place pedigree above character. He needs the lucrative job the Rajes offer, but he values his pride too much to indulge Trisha’s arrogance. And then he discovers that she’s the only surgeon who can save his sister’s life.

As the two clash, their assumptions crumble like the spun sugar on one of DJ’s stunning desserts. But before a future can be savored there’s a past to be reckoned with...

A family trying to build home in a new land.

A man who has never felt at home anywhere.

And a choice to be made between the two.

— Surprise, apparently this was the first book in the series. I did not know. It didn’t affect my enjoyment of the Persuasion version in this same ‘verse, which is also strange because I liked the Persuasion one way better. There was a lot of medical in this. And not super uplifting medical, either. This was like...oh the Jane character (I guess???) has cancer and either she’s going to go blind after having a surgery (also she was an artist, so you see how this was a problem) or she’s just going to decide to die. Wait, what? That came out of left field, really. Also DJ and Trisha were not nice to each other. Like, I know this is Pride and Prejudice so there has to be some of that at the start, but it wasn’t like Trisha ever really went through the Darcy-required time at Pemberly. She just decided she liked DJ and told him and it was as awkward as Jane Austen intended it, but then we got more medical and everything was cool. It felt very rushed and shoehorned into a modern setting and the Persuasion one was better. You can’t have Darcy’s growth without the Pemberly stuff. You just can’t.

In Which I Didn’t Like a Nickname??? Is the World Ending??

Crazy Stupid Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams

Alexis Carlisle and her cat café, ToeBeans, have shot to fame after she came forward as a victim of a celebrity chef’s sexual harassment. When a new customer approaches to confide in her, the last thing Alexis expects is for the woman to claim they’re sisters. Unsure what to do, Alexis turns to the only man she trusts—her best friend, Noah Logan.   Computer genius Noah left his rebellious teenage hacker past behind to become a computer security expert. Now he only uses his old skills for the right cause. But Noah’s got a secret: He’s madly in love with Alexis. When she asks for his help, he wonders if the timing will ever be right to confess his crush.   Noah’s pals in The Bromance Book Club are more than willing to share their beloved “manuals” to help him go from bud to boyfriend. But he must decide if telling the truth is worth risking the best friendship he’s ever had.

— If Noah was going to call her Lexa, then her name should have been Alexa and not Alexis. That’s it and that’s all. Also, the story was n u t s. Estranged dads and kidney failure and they got together so fast in this book. Which usually is cool by me, but I really could not get over the nickname and the estranged family was mean to Alexis. Lexa. HER NAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEXA, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also Noah was a former hacker? The estranged family accused him corporate espionage or something? A lot happened in this book, guys. Her name should have been Alexa.

Dumb Brother Was Dumb™ Everyone Else Was Real Cute

The Off Limits Rule by Sarah Adams

I have found rock bottom. It's here, moving in with my older brother because I'm too broke to afford to live on my own. It's okay though, because we've always been close and I think I'm going to have fun living with him again.

 That is until I meet Cooper...

 Turns out, my brother has very strong opinions on the idea of me dating his best friend and is dead set against it. According to him, Cooper is everything I should stay away from: flirtatious, adventurous, non-committal, and freaking hot. (I added that last part because I feel like you need the whole picture.) My brother is right--I should stay away from Cooper James and his pretty blue eyes. He's the opposite of what I need right now.

 Nah--who am I kidding? I'm going for it.

— This was cute, mostly mindless fluff. Hit some trope high points, including, obviously, best friends sister. Only the brother in question was a Neanderthal and I really thought people were going to make out more while said brother was on his business trip. I got it for free off Amazon. Which I think should explain a lot. Like, story-wise. Sorry, free Amazon books. Don’t be insulted.

Prose, Prose, Prose, Please Someone Have a Conversation

Trick by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Spring, Poet is renowned. He's young and pretty, a lover of men and women. He performs for the court, kisses like a scoundrel, and mocks with a silver tongue. Yet allow him this: It's only the most cunning and manipulative soul who can play the fool. For beyond the castle walls, Poet guards a secret. One the Crown would shackle him for. One that he'll risk everything to protect. Alas, it will take more than clever words to deceive Princess Briar. Convinced that he's juggling lies as well as verse, this righteous nuisance of a girl is determined to expose him. But not all falsehoods are fiendish. Poet's secret is delicate, binding the jester and princess in an unlikely alliance—and kindling a breathless attraction, as alluring as it is forbidden.

— The purplest of prose. Mauve prose. Royal purple prose. Lavender prose. There was so much writing here. So much. Too much, some might say. I say. Actually. If we want to get specific. And that was a shame, really, because when Briar and Poet actually had a conversation, they were interesting to read about. Also, the world building here? Yeeeesh. The so-called, wait for it, FOOL TRADE played a prominent role and that was...super cringe. Super Cringe. That being said, I asked Justin what I should read next and he thought it was funny that a book was just called...

Dare by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Summer, they say she's wild. Locked in a cage by the sea, Flare dreams of escape. She dreams of a lost world, known only in legends. The island is calling to her. And she won't let anyone keep her from it. Especially not him. They say he's cruel. Jeryn has crossed the ocean for the Trade, to bargain for those fierce, imprisoned creatures that make his skin crawl. By law, they're subjects meant for experimentation. And easy to despise. One girl in particular. But on the cusp of transport, the tide rages. That hidden island awaits. Stranded, the prince and prisoner must fight to survive. In a mysterious rainforest, they must band together...if they don't slay one another first. Or become something more to each other.  Something just as dangerous.

— This was Justin’s fault. He could not believe this book was just called Dare. It should have been called “We’re going to weirdly force what is basically slavery into this story and then a prince is going to fall in love with an escaped slave and we’re also going to call that ROMANCE.” y i k e s. Remember that one story that took place over three days? This was the complete opposite. Years! They were shipwrecked for years! They got saved, spoilers, the DAY they started having sex. What are the odds, right?? And then MORE YEARS passed. Multiple years! Five years! They couldn’t actually be together because of that aforementioned slave trade. What the shit, man? Natalia, ya gotta be kidding me with this. The internet claimed Trick was good and a solid follow to reading ACOTAR and that there was this whole verse and it was also good. The internet was wrong.

Nothing Happened, Everything Happened, I...Hated It

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Kristin Cashore’s bestselling, award-winning fantasy Graceling tells the story of the vulnerable-yet-strong Katsa, a smart, beautiful teenager who lives in a world where selected people are given a Grace, a special talent that can be anything from dancing to swimming. Katsa’s is killing. As the king’s niece, she is forced to use her extreme skills as his thug. Along the way, Katsa must learn to decipher the true nature of her Grace… and how to put it to good use. A thrilling, action-packed fantasy adventure (and steamy romance!) that will resonate deeply with adolescents trying to find their way in the world.

— I can’t believe this was a book. Katsa was so annoying! Like, listen, I know her life was sad. And she was a pawn being used against her will. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The tone of the whole book was so strangely formal and Poe was strangely in love with Katsa? Who obviously didn’t want to get married because she was WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Or kill people, as the case may be. Only she wanted to make out with Poe? Only ONLY they didn’t even really get together at the end? I could not believe the end of this book. I nearly threw my Kindle across the room. Once again, no apologies for spoilers because do not read this book, but HE WAS BLIND? Katsa had to leave him behind to save his cousin and he just ENDED UP BEING BLIND? AND THEY NEVER GOT TOGETHER REALLY?? What the fuck? Seriously. Steamy romance, my ass. Nothing happened. The villain got defeated in point two seconds. There are other books in this universe? No, thanks.

[hymn2000]

Chiquitita - MCU AU fanfic - C2

Story summary: Something strange is happening. Someone from space has made their way to Earth, armed with a strange weapon. Targeting teenagers, their ray gun, when fired, turns the victim into a toddler. The Avengers set out to stop this, and find a way to reverse the effects. However, they don’t all come out of the battle unscathed.

Previous chapters: 1

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: de-aging, family stuff, corporal punishment (early chapters only), mental health stuff, hurt/comfort

Chapter 2 - Happy Days

-

Peter was thrilled to be picked up by Loki after school on Friday. 

“Someone’s happy” Loki said, dropping Peter’s helmet on his head and clipping the strap. “We can’t hang about: hop on”

Peter happily climbed onto the back of the motorbike, winding his arms round Loki. He couldn’t help laughing a little as they set off, and not just because of the look on some people’s faces. Tony didn’t approve of Loki’s motorbike, much less the idea of Peter riding it, so this was a rare treat. There was something so good about streaming along so fast in the open air. It felt liberating.

-

Tony wasn’t happy when he heard the door leading to the garage. He marched out to confront Loki, and upon seeing his heavy leather jacket, had his suspicions confirmed.

“I told you to ring Happy!”

“I’m more than capable of picking up my own son” Loki said. “Anyway, it was quicker to just do it myself”

“I don’t like you sticking Peter on the back of that death trap, you know I don’t!” Tony snapped. He looked at Peter. “We need to talk. Scram”

Peter did.

He went into the kitchen, and pleasantly surprised to find it occupied.

“Aunt Nat! Uncle Clint! What are you doing here?!” he exclaimed, bounding over to Nat for a hug.

“Your dad thought it’d work better if everyone stayed here tonight” Nat said. “I think he’s still annoyed about the latecomers to the last mission”

“Ooh yeah, he was furious!” Peter giggled. “Aww, no one told me you were gonna be here! Where are the others?”

“Bruce is down in the lab, I think” 

“Wanda and Steve are out on the balcony” Clint said. “Thor isn’t here yet”

Peter stood back. “Aww, this is so cool!”

“Unlike that little uniform” Clint said, raising an eyebrow. “It’s like something out of a Victorian school telly drama”

Peter just laughed. “I know; isn’t it awful?”

“No, it’s not!” Tony snapped, coming into the kitchen. “It’s a fine uniform, and- hold on, what’s happened to your blazer?!”

“What do you mean?”

“Take your bag off and come over here”

Peter did as he was told. Tony turned him round.

“How the hell have you managed to rip the seam like that?! What have you been doing?!”

“Uuh, it might have happened in drama” Peter said, turning back to face him. “I’m not sure”

Tony sighed irritably. “That bloody class! Why the school won’t enforce a different set of clothes for drama is beyond me!”

“What are you kicking off about now?” Loki asked, appearing in the doorway.

“He’s ruined his blazer”

“Oh come on, it’s hardly ruined. Don’t overreact” Peter said.

Tony smacked him hard. “Don’t you dare take that tone with me, young man!”

Loki came to Peter’s aid, taking the boys blazer off and having a proper look.

“I can fix that in five minutes. Don’t worry about it” he said.

Tony scowled, and huffed. “Take your bag and then go and get changed, kid. You know the rules”

Once Peter was out of earshot, Loki smacked Tony over the head with a newspaper.

“Hey!”

“Hey yourself” Loki said. “You didn’t have to get that angry over it. You really were overreacting. Just like you overreacted about the motorbike”

“Oh, go away, Loki. Don’t you have some sewing to do?”

Loki looked at him. He grabbed hold of him, kissing him long and hard on the cheek, just to annoy him.

“Fuck off, Loki! Let go of me!”

Loki continued a moment longer, and then abruptly released him. “I love you too”

And with that, he grabbed Peter’s torn blazer and swept out of the room. Tony grumbled to himself, scrubbing his cheek with the back of his hand.

“What are you staring at?”

“Well” Nat said. “You do put on quite a show”

“Just wait till you’re married with kids, Natasha. You’ll understand it better then”

“He’s right” Clint said. “Being married just means that you can’t run away as easily when they start pissing you off”

Tony made eye contact with him, and they nodded their spousal solidarity. It was good to have someone who understood.

-

Peter got changed as quickly as he could, anxious to spend as much time with the Avengers as possible. He made sure everything was tidy so Tony wouldn’t have anything to gripe about, and then hurried back to the kitchen. It was fuller than before.

“Uncle Thor!” he jumped at the god.

“Hey, little one” Thor smiled, hugging him tight. “Ready for tomorrow?”

“Yep!” Peter said.

“Hi again, Peter” Wanda said.

“Hi! Hey, Uncle Steve!”

“Hey, Peter”

There was a knocking sound in the doorway, and Peter turned round.

“Mumma!!” 

“Hey, baby”

Peter ran over to hug her. “What are you doing here?!”

“What, I can’t pay my favourite spider-boy a visit on a whim? I said I’d stay till after the mission”

Peter grinned up at her. “Good! Hey, are you helping out tomorrow?”

“I’ve got places to be in the morning. I’ll be back afterwards so you can tell me all about your triumph”

“Ok! You’re gonna be here for the evening though, right? Hey, can you stay over? Hey daddy, mumma can stay over, right?”

Loki sucked his breath. “I’d ask other dad if I were you”

Tony felt all eyes turn to him, and sighed. “What? Don’t turn me into a villain. Of course she can stay. If she wants”

“Sure, but I’ll be gone early”

“That’s fine” Tony said. “Peter, you’re getting overexcited”

“Well, duh! We’re having a full team evening! It’s been ages since we’ve all been together like this!”

“You’ve exerted more energy in the half hour since you got back from school than you have in the last month. Go and take a nap”

Peter laughed at first, but then he saw the look on Tony’s face.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No” Tony said. “Go to your room while the grown-ups talk”

“Hey, that’s well out of order!” Peter said. “I’m just as much a part of this team and mission as everyone else!”

“We’ll fill you in later. You're overtired and overexcited: nap time”

“Well” Loki said before Peter could protest further. “If Peter’s excused, I am too”

“Oh good; you can put him down for his nap then, since you’re going that way” Tony said.

“Aww, come on! This is so unfair!”

“Stop arguing and do as you’re damn well told!”

Peter pouted. Loki laughed, going over and putting an arm round the boys shoulders.

“A little lie down will do you good. Come along”

Peter did, but they could all hear him grumbling halfway down the hall. Carol shook her head fondly.

“He’s a funny kid”

“He’s a little bugger, is what he is” Tony said. “I’m half tempted to cut him out of this whole to-do with kindsprengen altogether”

“Yeah, that’s not a great idea” Nat said. “He’s right in saying he’s a part of the team just like the rest of us”

“He’s a good kid, and he knows what he’s doing” Steve said. “Let him get the excitement out of his system tonight, by all means. But don’t pull him from the mission. He’s needed, and that aside, he’d never forgive you if you did”

-

Peter wasn’t very happy about being sent to bed like a sulky little kid, but knowing Loki was having a nap in the next room made him feel a little better about the situation. He cuddled up under the covers and closed his eyes. Despite his excitement, he soon calmed and settled down, feeling happy enough, and a little fuzzy to boot. 

-

Peter woke up at around half six. He took his time stretching and adjusting, still feeling all fuzzy and soft. He felt better for the little sleep, and quite happily climbed out of bed and went wandering off to find everyone.

Everyone had moved into the second living room, most of them lounging on the sofas in light conversation, with Bruce sat at the little desk and Tony sat on the little desk, having their own conversation. Loki was back with the group, curled up on the love seat with Carol beside him, her legs over his. 

“Hey, I’ve just had a thought” Peter said, flopping down beside Wanda. “Since we’re all here, and there’s a lot to cater for, you know what that means? Takeaway night!”

“Absolutely not” Tony said. “We need to look after ourselves ahead of tomorrow. I’ll make us all something good and healthy”

Peter stared at him, not quite sure if he was joking or not. He cleared his throat and started chanting, slapping his knees to the beat.

“Do-mi-no’s, do-mi-no’s, do-mi-no’s, do-mi-no’s”

Wanda copied him, and Peter grinned at her. It was only a few more seconds before Nat and Clint joined in, and Thor. 

“DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S, DO-MI-NO’S-”

Even Carol and Loki joined in. Tony, Steve, and Bruce looked at each other.

“I’ll cook a good breakfast in the morning” Steve said. 

Tony sighed. “Pizza alright with you two?”

“Fine by me” Bruce said, and Steve nodded.

Tony sighed again, and glared at Peter. “Ok, ok! Stop shouting and we’ll order a Domino’s”

“Yes!” Peter crowed triumphantly, high-fiving Wanda. “I love Domino’s!”

Loki donated his tablet to the cause, and Peter sat on the coffee table in the middle of the room (ignoring Tony’s protests), and took suggestions from everyone else on what they should order.

“Wait, sorry to interrupt” Steve said. “But how are we going to split the bill?”

“We’re not” Peter said. “I’ll pay for it. I’ve got quite a lot in my bank account”

“What?! No, absolutely not!” Tony said firmly. “You’re not using your pocket money for a massive takeaway order. I’ll pay for it. No arguing”

Everyone was more than happy with that offer. 

“Wait wait wait, how many of us are there?” Peter said after a while. “Let me count. Ok, so, dads times two, uncles Thor, Clint, Steve, and Bruce. Mumma, aunties Wanda and Nat... So, nine of us, right?”

“What about yourself?” Carol said.

“Oh yeah. Ok, so ten. How many cookies do we want, then? It’s a box of four. Ten boxes, then we all get four each?”

Loki laughed at him. “Your eyes are bigger than your belly, young man. After a full pizza meal, I don’t think anyone would manage four”

“Daddy’s right, chick” Tony said. “If you’re getting cookies, go for five boxes. Two each is fine”

Peter nodded, adding five boxes to the order and scrolling through the basket. 

“Ok, so we’ve got all those pizzas, and the cookies. Do we want anything else?”

“We’ve got loads of drink here, so don’t go ordering any bottles” Loki said.

“Yep yep, ok. What about sides? We could get garlic bread or chicken strippers or-”

“We don’t need sides” Wanda said. “We have more than enough just with the pizzas”

Peter nodded, and surveyed the room. “Any objections? No? Ok. Dad, your turn”

He clicked the checkout button and held the tablet out. Tony stood up and took it from him. 

“This is a ridiculous order” he said. “You’re all ridiculous. We could’ve had a pasta bake”

Peter laughed at him, so Tony pushed him off the coffee table. 

“It’s a good job I love you, you know that?”

Peter just grinned. Amazing what an annoying chant could achieve.

- 

Peter started getting a little irritable while they were waiting, as did a couple of the others. Their spirits all lifted once the food arrived, and having a good meal did wonders for morale. Steve took the lead in getting everyone organised, laying the pizzas out and dishing out plates and bottles of pop and making sure everyone got fed. Tony turned up the stereo a little and everyone was more than happy to lounge about eating and talking together. 

“Oh my god, this is so good” Peter said after his first bite of pizza. “I swear I always forget just how good Domino’s is”

“It’s never a disappointment, I’ll agree with you there” Loki said, pleased that Peter had chosen his favourite takeaway.

“We’ve got enough here to feed an army” Bruce said.

“Hey, we are an army” Clint said. “We deserve this”

“I’ll second that” Nat said, raising a glass.

“You know, I think this is the first time I’ve had a Domino’s” Carol said.

“What?! Aww mumma, you’ve been missing out! It’s honestly like, the best pizza going”

“It is pretty good, I’ll give you that” she said. “It was a good choice”

Peter laughed happily. “We should all have another big takeaway to celebrate tomorrow!”

“We’re all coming back here afterwards anyway” Steve said. “We could definitely have a meal. Tony?”

“Hm. I’ll think about it” Tony said. “Depends how quickly we get things wrapped up. I might just want to sleep afterwards”

“Oh, well I’m definitely on board with that idea” Loki said. “Still, we’ll probably all be exhausted afterwards. Communal lunch may be a good idea”

“Maybe I’ll cook something. I think one enormous takeaway order is enough for one weekend”

“Huh. Hey, uncle Steve? Did you say you’re cooking a big breakfast in the morning?” Peter asked.

“I said I’d cook a good breakfast. It’s not a good idea to have too big a breakfast before a fight: you don’t want to get indigestion”

“Ok, ok. Well, I’ll look forward to it anyway!”

-

Tony went into dad mode and insisted everyone go to bed at a reasonable time. Peter protested the most, of course, but he didn’t protest too much after Carol starting talking reason with him. 

Tony felt like a school teacher on a residential, assigning rooms and telling everyone where they’d be sleeping. Nat and Wanda were put in the twin room, with Clint, Steve, and Thor in the triple. Bruce and Carol were both given their own rooms. 

“I’ve set up the back room futon as well though, just in case anyone gets the urge to murder one of their room mates in the middle of the night” Tony said. 

Everyone managed to settle fairly quickly, and Tony enjoyed the sudden quiet. He shut everything down and locked up. He checked on Peter (Carol was still with him, so he left them to it), and then went and climbed into bed with Loki, who was already asleep. He settled down happily enough, looking up at the ceiling, thinking. This whole kindsprengen thing really put him on edge. Still, they knew where it was going to be in the morning, and they could put a stop to this whole scary-weirdness. Tony couldn’t wait for it to be over. A few hours, tops, and then he could relax and get back to normal. Maybe he’d do something on Sunday to unwind a bit. Maybe he’d take Peter to play mini golf. Or go go-karting. Yeah, go-karting sounded like a good option. Lovely. One little battle on Saturday morning, and go-karting on Sunday. Maybe he could grab Loki in the evening and go out for a drink somewhere nice. Yeah. That sounded like a good idea. In fact, that sounded perfect.

*

[beatsfortheillperth]

Words with Katie Dutch

“My art is about standing up for what I believe in and I’m very much into respect for women - women being empowered not being used etc. 

I really find any injustice hard to take - when the strong take advantage of those weaker than them, from bullies to terrible abuse. I try to do art that makes others feel good, reminds them of beauty, history, fun etc but also my work has layers of meaning - some pieces touch on darker concerns but I don’t want to dwell on them & offer no hope. 

… basically I’m about standing up for good, protecting others & nature, enjoying things that don’t harm others & offering hope/ a moment of joy”

-Katie Dutch

(All art displayed was created by Katie Dutch)

Katie Dutch has the most insightful imagination when it comes to producing a fine piece of art, worthy of display in any home or business.

What I enjoy most about Katie’s pieces is the way she incorporates that strong sense of feminine energy & compliments woman’s beauty and essence so respectfully and vibrantly in a manner that empowers woman & the classic beauties of our vibrant and ever changing world.

So enjoy a cold drink and the humble words of Katie Dutch the artist, the creative & one of many talented Australian artist on the rise, much love

Hey Katie thanks heaps for taking the time to share words you’re a really inspiring artist . How about we start with a few basics and get to know you a little better,

Favourite Artists: Picasso, Jeff Koons, Andy Warhol, Joseph Cornell, Arthur Boyd, Jeffrey Smart & Tracey Emin

Favourite Movie: I love so many - I really like action movies like Terminator etc, Fight Club, True Romance, Mad Max, Blade Runner - the list goes on & on and includes Shawshank Redemption. I get a lot of my ideas from movies and love being told a good story paired with great visuals

Favourite place to relax: At home doing art, running with loud music in my ears and the beach when no one else is there.

A childhood memory that impacted the art that you currently create: Travelling with my family in a double decker bus, living in the bush in a mud house with no electricity, hens, animals etc and listening to my dad sing & play guitar - the lyrics painted pictures in my mind.

What inspires you to continue creating: For the above reason it’s great therapy, a way to work through ideas or things that concern me. I get very passionate about things I see as unjust and art is my voice. The drive to have a say and also the enjoyment I get from creating & connecting with others pushes me to keep going. Sometimes doing art can be disheartening as it’s a lots of energy and expense with seemingly little monetary gain but I can’t seem to stop!

Favourite way to connect and calm before putting together your art pieces: Often I do the art to calm myself, I can get a little depressed or manic & either need a pick-me-up or calm-me-down, art is what grounds me and makes me focus. It’s a discipline that brings my mind some balance/ peace.

Favourite city or location: I would dearly love to travel and now that my son is nearly twelve, hopefully I can make this answer more exciting next time you ask. I grew up in Tasmania which is lovely. I’ve been to a few countries but I really want to see Cuba & Venice! (the wish list is long)

Biggest inspirations: My Sculpture & Printmaking teachers at the University of Tasmania. Now it’s music, movies, pop culture, fashion and looking on IG at everything from selfies to high art.

 What you enjoy doing in your down time: I love to run and walk - wander around just looking & thinking. Ideally I would love adventures, jumping out of planes, climbing tall mountains, deep sea diving, big wave surfing etc.

Views on current media news at moment: I watch a lot of current event programs and I’m interested in politics and world issues. I’ll reframe from giving my personal views. Over-all I’m very grateful to live in Australia, our system is far from perfect but compared to most places on earth it’s a great place to be. I could write a six page essay but will stay neutral and let my art talk for me. That said I hate injustice, corruption, cruelty, greed, the environment being ruined…. I’d better stop :)

Thanks for that Katie, so how about we start from the beginning, have you always been a bit of and artist? And has there been any other forms of art you’ve created or worked on before heading towards your current collage works?

When I was little I was always daydreaming, dressing up & making tree houses. I’ve always had a big imagination and loved to draw and make things. I would say art was always my favourite subject at  school and I enjoyed being OK at it, as I found reading and spelling hard. I did a Fine Arts Degree at the University of Tasmania and majored in Sculpture & Printing making. I really enjoy sculpture & etching but collage is a much quicker medium for IG and having a daily say. I often have a point to make, regardless of if others see/ understand it and I can make a collage within three - six hours whereas a sculpture or copper plate etch takes me months for one piece. Collage is a quick way to have a say or respond to a recent thought, event, concern or inspiration.

What inspires you to continue creating:

For the above reason it’s great therapy, a way to work through ideas or things that concern me. I get very passionate about things I see as unjust and art is my voice. The drive to have a say and also the enjoyment I get from creating & connecting with others pushes me to keep going. Sometimes doing art can be disheartening as it’s a lots of energy and expense with seemingly little monetary gain but I can’t seem to stop!

How do you go about creating your pieces? I’ve always wondered how you put your marvels together they’re so beautiful, do you use digital prints at all or is it all usually free hand creations?

My collages are made from real paper & paint. I wish I knew how to use Photoshop etc  but apart from some apps/ filters added to the final scanned image they are hand made. I make them by hand with a number of cut out images, then add some paint & details, then scan the collage for IG.

Where do you draw all your inspiration from when you came up with your particular style per say and how long have you been working on such collage pieces?

I haven’t really stopped working on creative ideas for the last 20 years. My skills & ideas are limited so I have to work hard. At times I’ve needed a break and had a few months off but I always come back to creating. I would love to discover what makes a successful & impacting image. There are so many images now that to come up with a style that stands out & impacts people is hard (maybe impossible for me - but I’ll try). I probably spend about 18 hours a day thinking about art & nine - eighteen hours doing it. This intensity has just been over the last year and a half but in the past I’ve also put in a lot of time.

Aspects of your pieces that I really love are how you incorporate what I like to call "vintage memories” or flashback moments within your art ie in one of your pieces you paint the Emerald City from the classic Wizard of Oz, in another Falcore from The Never Ending Story and also through out your pieces many other elements which just shout 1950s/60s vibes, beautiful really as I’m also a lover of vintage trinkets myself.. What draws you to that particular time and style and on a random note what are some of your favourite places to shop or source your vintage materials or trinkets around Sydney or online?

I have a huge collection of vintage ‘treasure’. I have not bought anything for about two years as I have far too much stuff. However in the past I was always at op shops, markets, looking in council clean-up etc etc Always collecting little vintage bits & pieces to make my sculptures and give me ideas. I also have a huge collection of antique paper & I traded Victorian trade cards & die cuts for a number of years. I love the memories vintage pieces inspire and the feeling you get from seeing an old childhood favourite movie or toy. I want to inspire that feeling or memory when people view my art - that magic time/ of being in the moment.

I discovered your art through Instagram and was blown away the first time I saw one of your posts that incorporated Buddha, I remember running to show my flat mate your art as she is also an artist like yourself, we were so impressed from first glance, really inspiring stuff as I’m sure you hear all the time :) in regards to your online postings, how do you feel Instagram has helped you get your art form out there a viewed and what would you say to other artists striving to get there piecesand heard online or beyond?

IG is a great way to connect with others and give & get encouragement but it’s very hard to make it pay. However it’s a great way to get your art viewed by people all around the world, which is very cool!

It’s hard work to be self motivated which you really need to be as a creative person. You have to have motivation other than fame and fortune as there is a very good chance it will never arrive. My motivation is I enjoy it, it’s therapy, my voice and I believe in helping/ trying to inspire others. Hopefully I can inspire a few people and in return they inspire others - keep the good vibes rolling!

You also have another page dedicated to  more personal posts & your side interest photography called for_ever_free which also expresses your unique & talented ways could you share a little bit about that page and your favourite memories in regards to it? You share family photos too which are also sweet, how do you feel you family impacts the art you create and is your family on the arty side as well?

I wish I could take a decent photo but thanks for calling my humble snaps photography. I started to feel very limited with doing just collage and when I added selfies or personal photos to kitscheart I noticed some people unfollowed or didn’t get it. I felt pressured to do what people wanted and considered leaving IG. Then I realised I could open another account and do what I wanted. It made me love the collage again and gave me a visual space to work through ideas and get feedback from like-minded people & friends. My Dad and sister where at Art School with me. My other sister & my brother are also very creative. My mum is a legend who helps look after me & my son while I create - she encourages.

In your spare time away from your art what do you also enjoy doing? Are there any places on the Northern Beaches or around Sydney that you would recommend we all check out nature wise or treat wise?

Yes this area of Sydney is awesome - Visitors should go to Palm Beach, walk to the lighthouse and have a coffee at the Boathouse. Actually all the beaches around here are great and a ferry ride from Manly to the City is wonderful. Once there it’s a short walk to a number of galleries and the beautiful Botanical Gardens

Do you have a favourite quote or saying that you feel really sticks and motivates you in regards to life in general?

Sometimes when it all seems to hard I say to myself 'Make pain your friend’! Basically be tough and keep going regardless and try to stay young at heart. And I really believe in doing to others what you want done to you.. 'Do unto others…’ And I try very hard to forgive others and no get old and bitter - to understand & see the bigger picture… hard to do but worth a go.

You come across as a rather spiritual and intune lady which is why I feel I’m also so drawn to your art and art style, if so which elements of spirituality to you follow or incorporate into your day to day living?

I’m always thinking about the great beyond and my inspiration and drive certainly comes from a belief in something bigger than myself and the physical. Like politics I’d rather let the art talk - I find talking about politics and religion gets me into trouble and it’s hard to convey in a few sentences. However your observations are correct and the spiritual side of existence is highly important to me & of more value than material wealth (for me).

Back on topic in regards to your photography, your landscape shots really portray a lovely vibe and seem to share a lot in regards to your persona, I sense your very intune with your environment and enjoy the outdoors does your son get involved

On your journeys when you take landscape photos or do you tend to trek it alone? Does your journeys inspire a lot of your art and help trigger your imagination?

Yes I love the outdoors and as a child and teenager was always outdoors and in the water. I love bush walking, rock climbing etc - although since having my son I’ve been less adventurous due to circumstances. My son enjoys the outdoor but he is at the age where he doesn’t really want to go walking with me unless we’re on holiday. So for my IG photos I’m mainly off by myself, walking & thinking. The photos I take certainly inspire my art, the colour of the sky, shape of the clouds etc

We love to embrace culture, arts, spirituality & music here at beatsfortheill as we feel such areas provide such a beautiful ground for growth and expression, would you care to share your favourite topics/musical talents & spiritual leaders in these areas?

I have always struggled to find earthly heros. So often when I look up to someone or the world tells me they are great/ winners/ a guru I find out later they are just a flawed but talented human - and I get disappointed. That said I don’t want to sound negative. Some of the best people are not well know, they go through life quietly helping others or the environment. I like humble, real people who sacrifice a lot, not for recognition or fame but to make a difference. For that reason I don’t have a list but in saying that there are many talented people I respect & try and learn from - I just also know they are human like the rest of us.

In regards to Instagram do you have any other fellow pages or artists you could recommend others check out? What do you enjoy checking out over the inter web?

As above I love following real people, people with heart & soul. I love seeing great art & musicians online too. However I find they’re so popular that they don’t have time to respond or notice others. As an artist I really enjoy feedback & banter with people as it helps with ideas & is fun. I recommend following people on IG who encourage & inspire you, that will be different for everyone. A mix of friends & people who push you forward

In regards to your makeup art & leg art what started it all of for you and how did you get into it?

Good question - I was probably frustrated or having a bad day and got the paint out and started throwing it at myself.

I also look at so many other artists and images, that probably triggered the idea. I’m actually very shy in real life and would never wear a bikini to the beach! So it’s fun to express myself with paint, it’s art therapy!

I know it must be hard to talk about your talent so openly but I just want to say what you’re doing is really inspiring, a lot of Australian and international artists/art appreciators far and wide are really feeling on what you’re creating, what do you have to say to all your followers in regards to your art & what are some inspiring last words you would like to share with our followers here at beatsfortheill?

Truly I’m very humble that you like my art, it means a lot. Doing art can be awesome & disheartening all on the same day. However to succeeded  you have to keep going even when it seems impossible or the world doesn’t seem to care or see. I encourage others to have self belief and work very hard and then work some more. I’m still hoping the lucky part turns up because after the hard work & self belief you still need a little luck (I think). If I never make it I still aim to be kind and encourage others to reach their potential. Art is a vehicle to inspire beauty, thought, hope and maybe change for the better. It’s not really a means to glory and wealth for self if it is I’m doing it wrong (ha ha).

To purchase one of Katie’s pieces check her online store here:

https://society6.com/kitscheart

Check Katie’s Art via instagram here:

@Kitscheart

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Tape it or leave it

ROUND One in the books, already nine teams are flag contenders and the pitchforks emerge for the rest.

Wasted pre-seasons, scarves thrown away and discarded in disgust, the Grim Reaper seemingly looms for half a dozen coaches already.

Could be worse, could be Steve Smith...

 1.        Let’s touch on the cricket up front. Warner is a pit bull, a junkyard dog, and has blown his top. A high-energy Ashes summer, further fuelled by the De Kock sledge against his wife and then Rabada’s antics, made worse by his suspension being overturned, has finally lost self-control when the ball wouldn’t go reverse in the third test – straw, camel’s back basically. Irrationally he has pressured Bancroft into an idea, Smith, the quiet, younger man child who before this all happened had a reputation for coming across as sweet, well-educated and the next Bradman basically, can’t contain his vice-captain when in this mood. Warner is the instigator, the sole proprietor of all the untoward descriptions of the ‘culture’ within the team. Smith is far from the kind of character needed to curtail him (Border, Waugh, they would have no issues you’d imagine), gets caught up and tries to protect his deputy. Bancroft, at the crossroads, out of form and feeling the pinch, gets leaned on and sees a way out, reverse swing might win us the game, a win might save my spot, an alliance to the leaders might be favourable come selection – its wrong but you can see why it might have been compelling. So now what? Smith probably gets 12 months, misses the summer but comes back in time to get a run up to the Ashes, Warner gets the same ban but is never picked again, Bancroft gets a ban but is certainly not lost to the national team down the track and the Test team has a resurgence against two Asian teams this summer who are notoriously bad travellers.

 2.        Onto the footy, and I’m going to start with the media, which is a bit rich coming from this column but alas. We are ok with ex-players jumping the fence and getting behind the glass passing comment on their former craft, be it in print, in front of a camera or behind a mic. But the old school journo, who never played the game, has come through the caper as someone with a nose for news and able to get the mail, the good oil, why are they now being celebrated for their on-field commentary. My main beef is with the media vehicles of Damian Barrett, Triple M most notably, airing segments and splashing headlines for his critique of club’s round one results. Now Damo, break news, write wonderfully prosed columns on the game, but when it comes the Bulldogs’ performance in Canberra, you are not at all qualified, we have better options! Mind you, watch me now do exactly that for the remainder of this column…

 3.        The Cats on Sunday, wow, get out of jail much? Didn’t look overly impressive, or that cohesive. Yes, Ablett and Selwood will likely share five Charlie votes between them, and they have another Brownlow medallist midfielder to come back in perhaps this week, but whilst they are very good trick ponies, the Cats in 2018 will be just that, a three-trick pony.

 4.        Ah the Pies. Glimpses of something good and then whooshka, a horrible disposal, a brain fade mistake, zero defensive coverage, and the Hawks walked it in. Their best footy looks to be ok, showed that last year, showed it in patches on the weekend, but the ultimate downfall is that it’s never there enough, there’s no reason to suggest it will change anytime soon and given they’ll go 2-4 at best after six rounds it’s all superfluous really. A ‘proper’ circuit breaker at the Holden Centre is their only remedy.

 5.        Tom Mitchell gets 54, he got the ten votes from the coaches, he’ll likely be best on from the umpires too. He is still probably underrated, a tremendous get by the Hawks. But, sure, Bucks should have sent someone to him no doubt, but he is far from the new Diesel. Take Clayton Oliver the next day, he only got 28 touches to Mitchell’s 54, yet the Dee laid ten tackles whereas Mitchell laid just the two. Between the two, take age out of it, I know who this column would rather.

 6.        Buddy, Buddy, Buddy. Wasn’t so much the local team christening the new stadium on Sunday but the local boy. Here’s a tip, and its paying $50 which for a two-legged multi is delightful, Franklin for the Coleman into the Brownlow. He plays 22 games he is a massive show.

 7.        Canberra showed us that the GWS are in this year up to their necks, yes, only one game but we saw what we needed to see in the first ten minutes. But for the Dogs, oh gosh, the sky has fallen in at Footscray it seems. Please. It was first up, with a key man going down early, on the road, against this column’s premiership tip, you know what, on the Dogs, yes I will hold thanks caller. They’ll win this week.

 8.        Lot to like for the fans of the losing team last Thursday. Yes, ended up 36 shots to 20 in the reigning premiers but its about 2019 for the Blues. Tangible results are secondary to ‘good signs’, and to that there are plenty, Cripps, Curnow, the other kids, the way they play, etc.

 9.        And on young Charlie Curnow, he is a tall forward that works in the 2018 version of this game. Mason Cox is not. So whilst it’s a project, its an experiment and the American clearly has potential strengths that could ‘help’ the Pies, there will always be weaknesses in his game that are not just exploitable but a liability. The best team minimises liability, the Tigers forward line last year for example, may have been awesome with say a Josh Kennedy in the goal square, but one thing you can’t say about the forward group is that it contained liability. The Cox liabilities are going to cost moments, which can cost games, and a long bow perhaps but those lost games could lose Buckley his position, a butterfly effect if you will.

 10.     The Bombers got themselves a nice, big, early scalp. And here’s the good news for those who enjoy seeing their team who play this grand old game – they only one have one game outside of Melbourne before Round Nine. Between now and then they are a more than a fair chance to win the majority of those which, by the bye periods, will have them set up with a very healthy win-loss record. This column puts a lot of emphasis on how good starts are integral to deep September action, this all bodes very well for the Dons.

 11.     And as for Port, yep, same thing, as we said last week they’ll get off to a great start, tick the box for last week. And good form is good form, whether its something impressive or just games you are expected to win, so no matter really the opponents or performances if the Power can get off to a good start, the momentum is such a strength in itself. Good starts breed success at the pointy end, Port are definitely a ‘buy’.

 12.     Poor Libba, such crap news; he is very important to the Dogs setup but overall it’s such a shame for him. Here’s to a big 2019, he is a genuine star.

 13.     So North Melbourne are throwing money at Andrew Gaff - good luck to both parties I say.

 14.     The Saints still have plenty of room that they actually have to use. Convoluted way it works, there is a salary cap and salary floor, so you cannot obviously exceed the cap, but you must have a minimum salary too. Further complicating things is that you must stay within these markers over a rolling four-year period. Therefore, you can be over the cap providing the rolling four-year result is that you were under on average. That’s the same with being under the cap, its ok for one year, but you need to ensure you compensate when the four-year average is calculated. Long story short, the Saints have been saving cap space, being deliberately under the cap floor on average in the knowledge securing a big fish would get them into the sweet spot – yet without luring such a star they would need to re-do existing deals to make the finances work, which is hardly ideal (overpaying for the sake of it). Jeremy McGovern, Olli Wines, two names that are seemingly open to the enquiry. Rory Sloane is ideal but I think he stays.

 15.     Paddy McCartin. Where’s he going? Bruce is the number one gorilla in the forward line and reasonably so, has earned the credits somewhat. McCartin clearly has the tools, but not convinced he can flourish. No-one had less touches than him on the weekend with his team getting the four points still, yes it’s a long road for him after last year’s badly interrupted year, but he turns 22 in a few weeks, drafted four years ago, this year needs to be somewhat progressive otherwise it’s time for some decisions down at Moorabbin. Not drastic, but things to ponder.

 16.     If Luke Parker played for a Victorian club he would be seen as a superstar. Credit on this rare occasion to Mark Robinson who put the Swan at no. 26 in his pre-season Top 50 but damn he is a gun. Has averaged 25 touches and six tackles a game pretty much the last four years, has only recently turned 25, a Brownlow runner-up two years ago, makes tremendous decisions, and is a rare mix of extremely gritty but very skilful. Had 32 touches on the weekend with nine tackles, that sort of game in Melbourne gets huge Monday night media coverage, but a Sydney performance Sunday twilight in Perth, in Buddy’s shadow, not so much.

 17.     Only 44 tackles laid by Dockers on Saturday, not the effort you want to start the year. Still bullish on their chances, potential, but their home opener against Essendon this weekend is crucial. Couple selection changes, better effort, get the season back to 1-1 and go from there, otherwise, as per our ‘starts’ rule, they will be doing themselves no favours.

 18.     Five goals between Jack Watts and Steven Motlop in the same game with old Toddley Marshall bagging four. Port won’t have much of an issue scoring this year, but ensuring the ball doesn’t just waltz out and result in opposition scores is going to be key. It’s hardly the Richmond mosquito fleet; turning the ball over close-ish to goal and scoring is what works these days.

 19.     How tough were the ladies at Princes Park on Saturday? Throwing themselves around, the hits were hard, it was damn impressive in less than helpful conditions. But notably, the defenders, intercept marking, showing composure, defending and rebounding under immense pressure, there’s a number of spuds in the men’s league who could take note.

 20.     We started with cricket, lets end with tennis – whilst he ended up losing to Fernando Verdasco in three, Thanasi Kokkinakis defeated world no.1 Roger Federer more or less within hours of Cam Bancroft stuffing tape down his Reg Grundys. It meant that essentially no media outlet noticed, or cared, but this column does. Annoyingly it seems we’re jumping off jungle-conqueror Bernie Tomic, but for Nick Kyrgios and Kokkinakis, this column sticks fat. A clean bill of health between the best Greek-Australian offering since The Wog Boy 2: Kings of Mykonos will end up in many satisfied Aussie tennis fans this year and beyond – get on board and stay on board with these two.

(originally published 28 March)

[marlon-256-blog]

It is a very uncommon deficit, those words stay with me... Its what the doctor told my dad, what my dad told me, and what the kids at school made fun of me for... Termolophlaemene, or TPM, its been my closest enemy ever since I was born. Not a lot is known of it but what is known still terrifies me to this day. Around the age of 7 was when it really decided to kick in. I had already had a very difficult social life, I had no friends, my mother was killed in a car accident... She died in my arms that night, I had recently been homeschooled on account of my "deficit" so starting school in the middle of second grade with traumatizing imprints on my mind. It didn't make it easier having uncontrollable and somewhat violent children running around. I couldn't focus. I actually couldn't focus, I wish I could say that was the worst it got. But anyways I would always and I mean always nod off in class, learning simple addition and subtraction was the last thing on my mind. I had.. Imagined things, things no one should ever imagine, I pictured I was inside the mind of a soldier that had just experienced shell shock, the twisted and insane mentality that made him do unspeakable things to himself, I imagined I was a poltergeist terrorizing an innocent family, I laughed and bathed in the utter raw dread and fear the family had knowing I would brutally murder a child that night, right in the middle of these fantasies my teacher would slam a book on my desk to get me on task. I would apologize to her in advance, she thought I was apologizing for nodding off. She had no clue. I was sent to the counselor for the remainder of the day, he would ask me over and over why I couldn't focus. My father being too ashamed to inform the school of my problem, I had to improvise and say that its just a child's mind taking him 1000 miles away form where he actually was. He wasn't buying it. So I decided to bite the bullet and tell him about my issue and what I had imagined. He had looked at me with this sort of remorse that also included fright. He asked what else I might of imagined over the course of the day. I figured nothing bad would come out of this, even though my dad told me not to tell anyone about my problem, I felt like I was safe here. So I'd tell him how I imagined that I was a doctor somewhere in the Victorian era, no anesthetics, bacteria infested equipment, a dim lit room with a few candles. While a man lay before me screaming in agony begging me to just end his life. All the while I was carefully remodeling and moving the broken femur bones and putting them back in their place. I had explained to him my very own thought as an SS officer. Ruthlessly ending the life of another vermin. One after the other, I had taken a shotgun, and I would put caves into each one of their chests, the screams. They only got louder when I had started using a knife. Apologizing and laughing after each one. He had previously asked me to stop explaining but I was too endulged in my thoughts to notice. He had asked me what the name of my condition. And I told him the name, he then asked me what it does to my brain exactly. And seeing how I knew nothing of it at the time. I improvised again. I told him around the age of two, I was apparently the victim of a victim of a vicious dog attack, I was repeatedly dragged and thrown around while the k,9's teeth sank deeper and deeper into my brain, while I was helpless to to anything against it, to add to the brain damage, a passed by who saw the attack tried to help by beating the dog with a stick until the dog left, I could hear the bones inside the dog as they were broken and shuffled around in its body, all the while the woman didn't stop beating this dog, some of her blows reached me and I could hear my own skull cracking against the force of her. The whole time I'm trying to mumble out barely audible words. I'm sorry. And The counselor didn't tale that very well. That's when everything went from ok to really bad. My father had been sent to civil court on belief that he had abused me and neglected me, and he won the trial but it was a bit ironic. He started drinking. He started to yell and scream. He started to hit me. The beatings were terrible. I would have something sprained by the end of every lashing. At least I was able to zone out while I was being bashed to what was at one pint the next month in a full body cast. I had constantly told him I'm sorry. Just like my teacher. I had asked for a meeting with my councelor, my father, my teacher, and my doctor, and after two years of constant pleading and begging I had finally got what I asked for. I was nine then and I had moved to another class since those two years but I begged for my teacher I had then. The teacher and the councelor had been informed on what my current situation was. The beatings, and my father had once again been taken to civil court, found guilty and spent the next 6 years in prison. After the gavel hit, my father was being escorted outside and I shouted I'm sorry about five times. He looked at me with hatred as he was to be gone until I was a teenager. And once again, I said under my breath. I'm sorry. I had still gone to school staying with a neighbor knowing about what was going on.there was kids but they were way older than I was. A 17 year old and a 15 year old. Mr and Mrs tentri were usually never around. So the only company I had was these older kids. They would never want to be around me. They thought I would hurt them somehow. So one day I went up to them and said. "Britney, Brendon, I'm really sorry. I know I scare you sometimes and I don't mean to. I just want to be friends. And Britney had sympathy for me and she had handed me an extra controller to play video games with them, I really took a liking to her. She was the only one nice enough to invite me to hang out with them. But Brendon disliked this. He complained the whole way. Britney tried to defend me but nothing worked. He called me names and very often shoved me out of The way. One last time I told him I'm sorry. So one night. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen, but as Mr and Mrs tentri never left anything sharp around us I only found use for a butter knife. He gurguled and screamed all the while the dull knife went furtwand further into his Adams apple. While he was wriggling around I ran to Britney's room asking her to come see what I did. So we rushed to Brendon's room. The high pitch scream deafening my hearing for a bit threw me off guard meanwhile Britney grabbed me and started shaking me. Violently she shook me as Brendon struggled to remove the knife from his throat. Britney finally let go of me but started dialing the police. So I had to snatch the phone from her and I pushed it down her throat. And I took the knife from Brendon as he was about to die anyways and I pushed it into Britney's throat to keep her from getting the phone out. The only thing I could do next was leave. I stayed back at my house for a while, trying to hide whenever police aruved and an investigation started. I was scared, frightens on what I might have done for these 6 years, they all should have been when I was. One day I thought it was smart to go back to school, just one more time. I went into the counselors office to talk and release stress. I had apologized to him, and him saying "what for?" Was what I was looking for, I had taken the color pencil I had and the stress ball on the table and shoved the end of the pencil into his eye socket, then to muffle the screams that the principal would have heard, I had stuffed the stress ball down his throat. I repeated to then stab him in the chest with safety scissors, as they were the only other sharp object in the room, and I watched him as he died. The sounds of muffled gurgurling filled my adrenaline ten fold. I had come up with the excuse that the councelor thought it was about time I was to go back to class, lunch was not yet over but I had that alibi for if someone who knew where I was supposed to be had seen me. I snuck into ms. Carol's class and she welcomed me in with open arms and within a spilt second looked at me an utter horror. I ran at her with all the force I had in me and dug my fingers into both her eyes, at this point I didn't care if anyone heard because I would have dissapeard for 5 and a half years after that. Pushing my fingers into her skull until I had nothing left but knuckle and fist to see, I had heard the kids line up to wait for class to start up again. Deciding that my deficit was the cause behind my acts like of aggression, I moved in with my life. This nice safe place, where all I have is my thoughts and I. I had gone to the local library to figure out what was left that I didn't know about my problem, I found that there is a nueron in the cerebral part of my brain.. That is eating away at itself, leaving the rest of it to slowly decompose the part of my brain that decides judgment. Being disgusted by this I had preformed evasive surgery.. Since I wouldn't have any access to anasthetics I decided clentching a razor blade in my other hand would distract me from the sounds of the drill. I like to think to this day that the surgery worked. When I turned 10 I felt like it would be a great present to myself to go inform my doctor that I had made a full recovery. And to apologize for any inconvenience I put him through. Walking to the hospital where I was diagnosed I had a feeling of people watching me. Which wasn't odd seeing as how a small child wearing a winter coat in the middle of july was walking by himself. I had been stopped by the police no more than 30 minutes from where I needed to go, they had asked me what was wrong and why I couldn't be on the streets by myself, and acting like the new recovered form of my self I told them thank you and and I gave them directions to what they thought was my home. Along the way they gave me sympathetic stories of when they were children and how their mothers always made them wear big coats. I had told them what happened to my mother. And they asked then why I had such a big coat, and I told them why I had it. In fact I showed them. I had stuck my arm around the passenger and had her in a hold while I repeatedly shot her until the other officer stopped the car and trued to pull his pistol out at me, but my deficit giving me the adrenaline needed, I took the dead officer's gun and had it right under the other officers head