#ok whatever i finally did the chelsea cut

[tomb-mold]

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[thatastrobae]

A ‘what if’ for y’all on this beautiful Tuesday morning

I really don’t wanna start no shit, but I just have to know…how would the fandom react if Miles and Gwen had traded places? The movie would still be amazing, but how would the discourse look if things went like this…

It was Miles that was forced to leave his universe because he messed up so bad; and in turn, the citizens of 1610 labeled him as a criminal. There is a warrant out for his arrest and when Jeff and Rio find out his identity, they don’t fully trust him because he's been lying about being Spiderman for so long. Jeff thinks he’s fallen down the same path as Aaron and Miles’ defenses fall on deaf ears.

Then in comes Miguel and Jess who give him the opportunity to join the Spider Society, build on his skills, and see all of the spider people he'd missed in the past year- everyone except for Gwen because in this "what if" she's the anamoly. Peter Parker was supposed the be Spiderman of Earth-65, not his love interest who was destined to 🎲 in said reality. So now Miguel refuses to even touch that dimension cause if she still ends up 🎲ing like the others, then Earth-65 will have no Spiderman to protect it. Otherwise things are pretty chill there; GhostSpider isn’t demonized but Gwen is still having trouble making friends. She’s missing Miles and is struggling to cope with Peter’s death.

Situation presents itself where Miles gets to go on a mission on Earth-65 to keep tabs on a villain. The only condition being that he can’t visit Gwen- which he disregards of course. They swing around Chelsea, NY, share a moment on the GWB…yada yada yada. The thing is, Miles is lying to Gwen by omission. He knows that Captain Stacy is running on borrowed time and he knows that Gwen is an anomaly who was never supposed to be Spiderwoman and she might 🎲 if they fall in love. The evening goes on and he chums it up with her dad (who he knows will end up on a mural soon) then takes his leave. Gwen- who’s curiosity is piqued at the mention of the Spider Society-knows Miles is hiding something so she gets the ‘ok’ from George (who is the best dad in this au) to follow him and she wastes no time.

Shit pops off in Mumbattan and because she’s ignorant to canon events, she saves Gyatri and Captain Singh and ASM-90 is interrupted. Jess is pissed, but Gwen’s not worried cause she knows she did the right thing and if this ‘Miguel O’Hara’ guy has a problem he can say it to her face. So despite Miles’ discomfort and Hobie’s dissuasion, she follows Jess to the SS anyway (low key excited she finally gets to see what Miles was talking about).

At Nueva York, she meets some more cool Spider people and bumps into old friends(it’s kinda weird how they’re all a part pf this taskforce except for her, but whatever). Miles is shitting bricks right now cause he has an idea of how things are gonna go down- still he says nothing, and tries move the group along.

The time comes for Gwen to finally meet Miguel and he holds nothing back when telling her why she shouldn’t have saved those civilians. Gwen stands ten toes down on her actions until Miguel debriefs her on ASM-90. Now knowing that her father’s life is in danger, she refuses to accept the fact that she can’t save him. She looks around the room for support from her friends: Peter, Peni, Ham and gets nothing but guilt ridden glances and silence. What stings a bit more is the fact that the boy she cares about the most isn’t 100% on her side here. Even as she finds herself running for her life from a mob of Spider people trying to detain her, Miles is still on the fence- yet leaning more towards Miguel’s side. He even gives Jessica an advantage by pulling her motorcycle up to speed with her. He catches her as she's falling, eyes filled with sorrow and remorse, but it changes nothing. Her instinct tells her to cut the web. Gwen didn't know if he was helping her or capturing her and she’s pretty sure Miles didn't know either. As said before, it changes nothing.

Suddenly, they’re on a high speed tram and an irritated, adrenaline filled Miguel finally catches up to Gwen. He choke slams her onto the tram and Miles and Peter are right behind them telling him to calm down, they don’t do much else to stop Miguel. They don’t want her to get hurt, but that doesn’t mean they’re on her side. As Gwen struggles against Miguel’s hold, he drops another bomb on her. ASM-121:

“That spider shouldn’t have bit you! Your friend, Peter was supposed to be Spiderman. He wasn’t supposed to die, that was your destiny! If you disrupt one more canon event, your universe will collapse and i’ll have to pick up the pieces”

This knowledge nearly destroys Gwen and the fact that all her friends knew about it, stings more. “Gwen, this if for your own good!” Miles calls out. For her own good? How? Who decides that? Gwen had no idea. In fact, Miles has been all over the place since he came to visit her. Lying about the smallest things, apparently it’s because he was hiding this from her. She knows about his situation at home, but the matter of fact is that she can’t trust him like she thought she could.

Gwen is able to fight Miguel off and escape, but not before giving Miles one last “goodbye”. Tears in her eyes and faith in him and their relationship crumbled to bits.

Film ends kind of the same way, Miles bands together a team of Spider people to right his wrong and save Gwen. Gwen is trapped in a dimension where she and her father are memorialized.

I skipped a lot but you get the gist. So with that image in your mind, how inclined do you feel to defend Miles’ actions? Would you confidently say he did nothing wrong? He didn’t mean for things to get this far, he didn’t wanna hurt her, he just didn’t want to face what was waiting for him back home. Are you defending him within an inch of your life? Is he a victim? Do you think that Gwen should just swallow her feelings of hurt and betrayal to understand where he’s coming from? The trust is gone, but is she obligated to give him the opportunity to rebuild that trust? Is he still entitled to her affections? Can you see how her feelings for him would change (even just a little)? Would you be disappointed in her if she decides not to be in relationship with him after everything is said and done? Please contemplate this and be honest. What if the roles were reversed? 🤔

[footballxwrites]

“ this is not the man I fell in love with, not the man I married” with Mason Mount because he’s just been super busy w Chelsea since the start of the season and even more now cos of the new coach coming. That’s all well and good, you completely understand that and love him for it but he’d come him later from the ground, so you’d not eat together, not cool together on weekends, date nights went out do the window, and you guys had even decided to have a baby and you’d marked the days you were ovulating on the kitchen calendar but he’d stayed over at Dec’s cos boys night or whatever so that was done for. You realise enoughs enough and talk to him about it which leads to a huge argument and you say “ this is not the man I fell in love with, not the man I married” to him. You just avoid him at home for the rest of the day and he’s just in his game room thinking where he went wrong and how crap of a husband he’s been for the past few months, not even weeks and you’d just take it. Please make it a cute ending ❤️

You’re not the man I married ♡

𝖠𝗇𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝖺𝗎𝗌𝖾 𝖨 𝗈𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖺𝗀𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝗀𝗈𝗍 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝗋𝗂𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒 😅, 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖾𝗇𝗃𝗈𝗒!

All the memories began replaying in your mind, thinking all the way back to the start when yous were just two daft eighteen year olds who were young and in love without a care in the world, free to do whatever you fancied and no responsibilities of adult hood. Then to when you went on your first holiday together, supporting him at his first pro match, the weekly dates he took you on and the unexpected romantic gestures he made...it all seemed a dream compared to now. All you could picture were your Uni days when he’d make the two hour drive just to come and see you in between matches and then you’d always travel down and make sure you were there, in the stands wearing his famous jersey and cheering his name. Even the days after when you went on to graduate and get a degree before moving down London to live with him at the grand age of 21 where the two of you began your lives with one another, both with your dream jobs and house and the perfect little things on the side...honestly you missed those days right now and couldn’t help but wish to go back in time.

————————————————

Tears were on the verge of flowing down your cheeks as you stared down at the diamond on your finger, reminiscing of the five years of waking up in each other’s arms every morning, having a laugh together on the daily, going on the weekly date nights, being blessed enough to have a few luxury holidays, the list goes on. At the minute you were asking yourself why he actually put a ring on it because he couldn’t be less of a husband to you, the never being home or finding a way to stay out started to get to you. The fact you rarely saw him, your own husband, had really started to become a worry, eating alone on a night, going to bed without him beside you, never seeing him on the weekends and your days off...you just didn’t know how much more you could take.

You understood that he was busy, I mean why wouldn’t he be with a new manager around and then training his arse off to get into the Euro squad but it was just like he was constantly on the go and never spared a minute for you and to be fair you had been quite nice about it, of course knowing how much his career means to him and obviously wanting him to do well and go far however you finally decided enough was enough and the two of you needed to have it out with each other.

————————————————

“Can we talk” you sighed, strolling into the kitchen as you caught him shoving on his coat and bag, “no I can’t stop, gonna be late for training” he yawned as you slammed the cup down on the counter, “wow well there’s a surprise” you sarcastically laughed gaining a confused look from your so called man, “and what’s that supposed to mean” he mumbled with an eye roll. “I don’t know, maybe the fact you’re never in this fucking house for more than five minutes these days!” You began in a raised voice, all hopes of staying calm going out the window, “right yeah whatever sorry I have a job to go to” he argued as you stood looking him dead in the eye, half wanting to chuck a nice punch across his jaw.

“Mace I never see you anymore, look all I’m saying is it might be nice to spend some time with my husband I don’t think it’s too much to ask for“ you stated, rubbing at your tired eyes hoping you wouldn’t have a meltdown in the middle of your kitchen. “And you do see me, on a night when I get back, what more do you want from me I can’t help that I’m busy during the day” he said, emotionless whilst pacing around the kitchen, “Except I haven’t seen you for the last two nights, one because you were away at Newcastle which is fair enough but tell me why the fuck you went round and slept at Dec’s yesterday and didn’t bother to mention it to me” you ranted, feeling your cheeks heat up with anger.

“If it wasn’t for Lauren phoning me i wouldn’t have had the slightest clue in where about you were” you continued as he finally stopped running back and forth like a headless chicken, “he had the lads over for FIFAand it just slipped my mind, I did mean to tell you I swear and I’m sorry” he admitted sounding sincere, holding his hands up in defeat. “And I guess it totally ‘slipped your mind’ that we’re trying for a baby too?” You stammered with a croaky voice, feeling the tears form in your eyes as you heard a faint “shit” come from him before a deep sigh, “we’ll just try again next month, yeah?” he softly spoke, attempting to bring you into a hug as you dodged his touch. “Fuck you Mason Mount, you’re not the man I fell in love with and married anymore” you cried, storming up the stairs, not arsed with arguing with him anymore seeing as it was clear he wasn’t bothered about you and your feelings, “hope you have the time of your fucking life at training, stay out as long as please” were your last sobbed words to him before shutting yourself away in your bedroom.

—————————————————

The whole day he felt guilty for, well everything really, he didn’t realise just how much he wasn’t around anymore but more importantly he didn’t notice the impact it was having on you and by god if he knew you were feeling like this he would’ve sorted it out within a flash. The moment he got through the front door, he went searching for you knowing you were here as you had called sick to work and not a minute later he’d found you curled up on the sofa, still sobbing whilst gazing at tv. Your eyes were puffy from crying and no evidence of a smile was on your lips, just sadness in all your features, your tear stained cheeks rosy red and nose stuffy. Without a second thought, he walked and placed himself next to you, wrapping his arms comfortably around you as you rested your head on his chest, too exhausted to have another go at him. “Sorry doesn’t even cut it but, I will make this right” he whispered, stroking your hair as you turned to face him, “I was being a selfish bastard and had no idea you were feeling like this and it’s completely my fault and I swear I’m gonna change it, everything, so I have time for my gorgeous wife” he smiled as you let out a mumbled “ok”.

“And I do want to start a family with you, more than anything because you’re going to be the best mum our baby can wish for” he grinned, gaining a small laugh from you, your heart warming at the thought of having a mini Mount around the place, “me too, you’ll be an amazing dad” you replied leaning up to put a little peck on his lips, “you’re forgiven but promise you mean it, you’ll spend more time here” you said, holding out your pinky as he giggled, “pinky promise I’ll be here to wake up to every morning again” as he linked his finger around yours. “I love you wifey, always and forever” he gushed as you flipped him over so you were straddling him before getting caught up in the heated moment ❤️

@alexajanecollins @kingkepa

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Jorja Smith has unveiled a standout new video for latest track ‘By Any Means’. The powerful video (directed by Otis Dominique and Ellington Hammond) shines a spotlight on communities across the UK, complimenting the track’s vital message around social issues and the civil rights movement. As noted by Jorja about the track: "The inspiration behind 'By Any Means' really came from going to the Black Lives Matter protest and leaving thinking, what can I do to keep this conversation going? It’s not just a post on social media, it's life.” ‘By Any Means’ is the first track to be unveiled from a new project titled ‘Reprise’, curated by the team at Roc Nation with the sole aim of bringing awareness to social justice issues. A portion of proceeds will go to funding organisations that support victims of police brutality, hate crimes, and other violations of civil rights. [via Dork]

Madison, WI-bred and Chicago-based band Slow Pulp recently announced Moveys, their self-produced debut album, and shared its first single 'Idaho.' Now the band shares another song off of the forthcoming record, entitled 'Falling Apart.' The track, featuring Alex G collaborator Molly Gemer on violin, is accompanied by a fantastical music video about feeling lost in a familiar landscape. Director Jake Lazovick, places Emily in a transient world, surrounded by flying objects and missing pieces. The clip features nostalgic animations, body doubles for social distancing purposes, and an homage to Massey's background as a ballet dancer. Read more about the song from Massey below: "As we were finishing up writing the album my parents got into a serious car accident and I came back home to help take care of them. A couple of weeks later COVID-19 started getting worse in the US, and quarantine began. Life felt completely surreal, everything had drastically changed and at such a rapid pace. It was especially strange because everyone was experiencing the same thing at the same time, but couldn’t be physically with each other to support each other. I felt like I couldn’t process any emotions I had about the whole ordeal because I had to keep it together to take care of my family. It became easier to stay numb, and create a facade that I was doing ok, than it was to release any type of healthy emotion for a long time. Luckily I did allow myself to have a full on breakdown induced by a stubbed toe and confusion over taxes, sometimes it’s the littlest things that finally get you."

Soap Detox met a party, and somehow their friendship sustained during the lengthy hangover that followed. A frisky Swedish three-piece with a lust for melody and good times, their raucous garage-pop is already making waves in their homeland. A full EP is incoming, with Soap Detox trailing this with their irresistible new single 'Give Me Gore'. A three minute fuzz pop wonder, it's a clanking, cheeky, subversive statement from a group who thrive on such things. The video features their shorn-headed lead singer in full form, accompanied by her band mates. Directed by Evelyn Del Carmen and Ebba Sylvan, you can check it out above. [via Clash]

It’s been a decade since we’ve heard from multi-hyphenate musician and producer The Angel, who last made a splash as a musician in 2009 with her single 'Ultra Light,' which featured the singer/producer Jhelisa on vocals. Focusing more on her career in film/TV composition and music production in recent years, she’s planning to return to recording her own music later this year with a new LP entitled Xtra Sensory Goodness. Now we’re getting the first taste of this project, which is yet another collaboration with the vocalist Jhelisa. “Jhelisa and I have become close friends over the years,” she explains. “There’s a lot of sisterly love and mutual respect between us, so Jhelisa already understood the mournful weight of the track before I asked to feature her. I’m always grateful that she’s willing to experiment with me because it’s not something she does lightly. Jhelisa beautifully channels the essence of whatever emotion needs to come through in the most evocative and visceral way.”  The song arrives beautifully packaged with an entrancing video directed by none other than Mark Pellington (along with co-directors Sergio Pinheiro and Sweeten), known for his concert docs for Pearl Jam, INXS, and The Flaming Lips, as well as an extensive music-videography including iconic visuals for Public Enemy, Nine Inch Nails, and plenty more artists. “I wanted the song to sound like a memory, like you’ve entered someone else’s dream space,” The Angel continues, noting how the video perfectly syncs to the song’s mood. “The emotion is contained, very internal, so I juxtaposed a vocal vulnerability against a driving, incessant rhythm, where you can feel the underlying tension at the same time as experiencing the gentle plea, ‘Where’s my shelter…?’” [via Flood]

A few weeks ago, Ciara gave birth to her son Win. Last night, she shared a video that she evidently recorded while she was very, very pregnant. Ciara’s new song 'Rooted' is a statement of Black pride, a clear statement of solidarity with the protest movement that’s swept across America and the rest of the world these past few months. It’s a hard, kinetic track with vocals from the songwriter Esther Dean. But the song, at least right now, feels more like a vehicle for the video. Like a lot of Ciara videos, the 'Rooted'” clip is built around bodies dancing. In this one, though, one of those bodies belongs to Ciara, who dances with her belly exposed and who looks like she’s about to give birth any second. To watch someone dance this hard while that pregnant is an actual marvel, a near-superhuman feat. The 'Rooted' video is full of Black iconography, and it features the faces of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor. All throughout, Ciara presents an image of motherly strength. Annie Bercy directs. [via Stereogum]

Hazel English releases the new video for her single ‘Five And Dime’ taken from her debut album Wake UP! which is out now on Marathon Artists. ‘Five and Dime’ is a woozy, idyllic view into Hazel’s world, which is built on timeless-sounding melodies, retro-tinged soundscapes and a knack for resonant lyrics. The mid-tempo number is reminiscent of the playful love songs of ’60s pop, as Hazel frustratedly muses on a love interest who is consuming her thoughts and detracting from her focus, “Gotta get away cause you’re taking up all of my time / You know I need my space so I’m heading to the Five and Dime.” Speaking about the new video, Hazel says: “'Five and Dime' is about longing for escape and freedom so I thought it would be fun to create an idyllic beach vacation, constructed from a set with cardboard cut out waves and fake palm trees. The idea behind it is that while I'm fantasizing about escaping to a tropical place, it's clear I'm just kind of stuck in this pretend version of it. I wanted to evoke the nostalgia of Hollywood musicals from the '50s and '60s, complete with dance choreography and bright colourful costumes.”

Katy Perry has released her second video for 'Smile,' featuring the pop star playing a video game version of herself as she battles giant spiders, circus trapeze acts and more while dressed as a clown. Much of the video is in CGI, with a live-action Perry playing the video game in her house (while also dressed as a clown). [via Rolling Stone]

Global superstar, Miley Cyrus has unveiled 'Midnight Sky,' a track that showcases a new direction for the always evolving artist.  The song, which was inspired by the past year of her life, is accompanied by a video that Miley self-directed.  In creating the song and video, Miley drew from strong female musical icons, like Stevie Nicks, Joan Jett, and Debbie Harry, who have always been so generous, and have been her greatest allies and inspiration.  The video showcases Miley as her true self: unapologetic, diverse, sexy, confident, experimental, and strong. The video takes viewers through Miley’s creative vision which displays her complete control of the narrative often told through the mouths of the media. Miley is at peace with who she is and has nothing to prove. As a musician she continues to push boundaries and experiment with her sound and look. Miley has proven to be many things, but boring is not one of them.

Chelsea Collins is nonconformist pop singer with a vision. For the captivating new 'Water Run Dry,' a collaboration with rapper, singer and fellow Bay Area-native 24kGoldn, Collins's infectious pop melodies glide over a hypnotic beat. Relatable lyrics about a faltering relationship reveal a depth of experience for the 21-year-old, with a wistful chorus lamenting, "there's no good in goodbye." The Roxana Baldovin-directed visuals for the track are an eyeful — Collins and 24kGoldn play house in an oversized, colorful California dollhouse, interspersed with images of a little girl playing with literal Barbies. The message? "I wanted this song and video to execute the world that's inside of my head — somewhat similar to a weird vintage rom com where at first the drama of love is so toxic, passionate and thrilling but eventually my lover and I have a happy ending," Collins tells NYLON. "Unfortunately reality isn't as fun and it kinda feels like some cranky dude is controlling your path, who's lowkey salty whenever something feels too amazing," she continues. "My intuition will tell me to run, but I'm notorious for acting like a Stepford wife, trying to recreate my past feelings yet they're all super robotic. Maybe one day I'll get lucky and love won't have to be so bittersweet, but until then I'll learn to smile even when things blow up in my face." [via NYLON]

Kali Uchis shared the visuals for her latest single 'Aquí Yo Mando' on Monday. Featuring a verse in Spanglish by Rico Nasty, the single is Kali's first release since her TO FEEL ALIVE EP from earlier this year. The Phillipa Price-directed clip finds the pair on a weapons-filled rampage, dropping bodies in underground parking lots and filming each other along the way. With co-production by reggaeton hitmaker Tainy, the booming track sees Uchis assertively laying some ground rules over trappy 808s. "Haces todo lo que diga (You do everything that I say)," she raps. “Si estás conmigo solo mando yo (If you’re with me, only I call the shots).” [via The FADER]

[lucyreviewcy]

Made in Chelsea - S02 E02

In this episode, Spencer decides to test if Louise is really “ok” with him having relations with other female people by hitting on lovable Binky. Hugo and Millie break up. Gabby is obviously still not over Ollie, and most of the episode happens on a boat. 

There are a lot of big points to make about this episode, to save time, I’m going to list them:

1) The audience is definitely not supposed to think that the characters know about the cameras

This is evidenced by a couple of moments, Millie and Hugo looking sad after their breakup, and Spencer and Louise having alleged post-coital chats. What, are we supposed to believe that Spenny and Louise spent the afternoon doing the nasty and then phoned up the camera crew and said “Yeah, we just had sex and we want to share it with the world.” While I can believe this of Spenny, it seems less likely that Louise would do this, being as she is, a human being with a soul. 

The Hugo/Millie breakup also gave me the giggles because Hugo was so comically distraught. Even Spencer pointed out that he was wearing the baseball cap of misery. Apparently, when a human shark loses its mate, it sheds its stylish outer layer and dons a gross grey cardigan. 

2) Spencer 100% believes women will do whatever he wants

I really hated the way that Hugo suggested Spencer should just “hook up with Binky,” as if Binky, lovable Binky, would just happily hook up with him at the drop of the hat. What I hated more was the fact that she did...kind of seem up for it... Which was a shame. If she weren’t so lovable I would be annoyed at her terrible taste. 

Which leads us to point number three...

3) This show has a very defined social hierarchy

The Spencer/Binky story is a fun instance of the “Mortals vs Gods” hierarchy that I mentioned in the show last week. Binky, lovable Binky, is one of the “mortals”, who are a little bit more like the viewer than the rest of the gang. Spencer hitting on her elevates her for a moment to his level, but he’s only ever using her as a pawn in his game with Louise, who sits on a higher status level. At some point I need to draw a diagram of the status relationships in this show because they’re fascinating. 

This isn’t the only interaction that we see between these groups in this episode though. In fact, the producers are taking an opportunity to blur the divide in this specific episode. Binky flirts with Spencer. Cheska is confronted by Hugo, who is angry that she (a mere mortal) has meddled in his relationship with Millie. It is important to consider that Louise’s position in the hierarchy is further asserted by Hugo’s choice to blame Cheska for passing on gossip, despite Louise being the messenger who passed the rumours of his infidelity to Millie. Finally, Chloe, Ollie’s new girlfriend, is shown to be allied with Victoria (uber posh and therefore super high status). When Chloe discusses her doubts with Victoria, she laughs at the petty games and fights that she may stumble into as part of her relationship with Ollie. Victoria sets herself aside as an observer by pointing this out, she knows the dynamics of the lower status groups, but is unlikely to get involved herself. 

4) Jamie is introduced to make the male characters more likable

Jamie is an awful person, I know he is. He’s sexist, shallow and bad. He is just as sexist, shallow and bad as Spencer. However, Jamie is genuinely funny and entertaining to watch. His interactions with Rosie are charmingly awkward, and his banter with Spencer and Hugo while they play videogames induced a genuine belly-laugh from me (I know, I too was surprised.) 

Jamie’s character, buoyed up with humour and boyish enthusiasm, poses an interesting question. Do we forgive morally questionable behaviour more easily when the perpetrator is funny? Even when I was watching this series back in 2013, I remember Spencer being a total asshole - but I have only fond memories of Jamie, and I still buy Candy Kittens when I see them at a reduced price. Jamie’s abiding quality, despite his clearly deplorable attitudes towards women, is that he’s likable and sweet. This rubs off on the other characters, meaning that the annoying dude-banter that is had during the videogame scene seems harmless and fun. This scene contains the assertion women cannot have a casual sexual relationship, the notion that Binky will automatically respond positively to Spencer’s advances, and the idea that a woman who can have a casual sexual relationship is a “slut.” And yet what did I remember from it the first time around? The belly laugh. 

5) The editing tells most of the story

The way that this show is edited creates tension. Cutting to Louise when Spencer is talking to Binky. Cutting to Chloe when Gabby appears. Leaving the camera on Millie for a prolonged awkward silence when she breaks up with Hugo. All these elements create the story just as much, if not more, than the dialogue. Furtive glances can be created easily with enough footage and a good editor, as can awkward silences and filthy looks. 

I bring this up partly because this episode has excellent editing for tension, but also because it is relevant to the current series of Bake Off. I have been watching The Great British Bake Off for years, and only this year have I noticed that the show seems to have been edited to create tension between the participants. Every now and then, we see one contestant glance at another with a frustrated or annoyed expression on their face, particularly during the judging for each challenge. I’ve no idea why the creative team behind the show have decided to do this, but it really alters the atmosphere of the programme. Bake Off is not like Made in Chelsea, because even though it is a competition it is meant to be good-natured fun. Made in Chelsea is posh people bickering with a storyline, and that’s good - it is it’s own thing (just like David S Pumpkins.) 

Editing has the power to completely alter the mood of a programme, and it is disappointing to see Bake Off presented as such a snipe-y show. In Made in Chelsea this technique of editing creates some of the show’s most memorable moments, but in Bake Off it is honestly just spoiling the fun. 

[secretgamergirl]

I’d like to talk about Graham for a little bit.

About a month and a half ago, this thing just sort of spontaneously happened that was on the order of the old Jerry Lewis telethons, raising an absolutely jaw-dropping amount of money for an organization called Mermaids, which is great and absolutely deserves to have it. I should clarify before anything further too that I’m using “spontaneously happened” here only to mean absolutely nobody involved had any possible idea that it was going to become the huge thing it became, not that it didn’t do so because of a lot of really impressive work, mainly from Casey Explosion and Dan Olson who both ended up playing producer as guests started hopping in and did phenomenal jobs they can’t get enough credit for.

I am, of course, quite thrilled to see how well that went, particularly since just something like a week prior I’d independently tried to start a charity drive for Mermaids which was... decidedly unsuccessful. And I came oddly close to getting properly involved in this one, because around the time it was at the $1000 mark, “guests” were mainly just people I’m personally friends with and haven’t talked to in a while, I was talking about joining in, but the timing of me getting hold of a microphone and a quiet room and guest coordination shook out weird and I lost my place in line to like, Chelsea Manning and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who I will freely admit were bigger donation draws than me talking to old friends and sharing info about trans charities and transphobic groups trying to undermine them would have been.

One thing I’d have liked to have brought up is the other thing that made the whole event a bit bittersweet, personally. The whole thing was explicitly advertised as existing purely to spite one Graham Linehan, who rather infamously had spearheaded an initiative to undermine funding for Mermaids because these days he is a cartoon villain and defunding a children’s charity was the sort of thing he’s all about now. And I’m saying “now” and “these days” because I have kind of a weird history with Graham. Once upon a time, he was my biggest fan.

No, really. If you don’t believe me, go do a quick twitter search for him mentioning me. It’s a bit surreal to look back on. It was weird to live through at the time too. He started following me at a point where I had something like 10 other twitter followers, and was just super super pumped about literally everything I was writing about, you know, the rise of this group of transphobic fascists weaponizing twitter mobs. I’d start writing something and he’d just pop up in my DMs. Which... OK now it’s weird because I’m the last person the arguable king of all transphobes should be following, but at the time it was also weird because he hadn’t gotten into that and was this famous TV writer.

So first of all, it just sends a chill down my spine any time I see him talking about having trans friends who like him just fine and wondering if he’s still trying to count me there. Because I mean, the last time I actually talked to him it was pretty damn civil. Mainly because I was trying to make a calm rational case explaining that he’d just linked horrifyingly bigoted propaganda out, but I could see him grasping for that straw.

Those prior interactions color the whole thing for me in a really tragic light though. Usually, when you see someone who did a thing you enjoy(ed) tear their face off and reveal a disgusting monster, you get to go “ugh, I can’t believe I never picked up on what a creep this person was the whole time!” but... I personally don’t have that luxury here. At the point I knew him, I can actually say he was a decent, caring guy, willing to stick his neck out in a big big way for worthy causes. He promoted the hell out of everything I wrote for a while, and elevated the voices of a ton of other trans women and other marginalized people under attack from nazis. He really went all in with a pretty big media platform against that crap at a time where it wasn’t especially popular or safe to do so, and he campaigned about as hard as was humanly possible to repeal Ireland’s abortion ban, sharing some really horrifying personal stories which I’d probably still dig out when trying to argue the subject if it wouldn’t be giving oxygen to such a huge bigot. And for whatever it’s worth, that infamous I.T. Crowd episode? Some 6 years after the fact he really was self-conscious about that still, and just sort of... approaching every trans woman he knew one by one to try to explain where he was coming from with it. Which of course is not at all the same thing as apologizing for it, but presumably had he stayed that course, he’d have maybe grabbed some sensitivity readers before the next such bit went to air.

So yeah. My honest assessment of where he was at in late 2014 through early 2015 there is... well-intentioned guy with some blind spots legitimately trying to be a better person and work towards some general trans allyship...

... and then he just suddenly pulled this complete 180, and it’s one of the most chilling things I’ve ever seen. From my perspective, it was like being in a zombie movie where someone gets bit. First they’re fine, then you see a big ol’ red flag (I don’t recall whether the first such was him going to bat for the serial abuser creep we just finally kicked out of tabletop or him linking a post on freaking 4th wave now), and you have this little window of maybe we can cut off the infection before it spreads, and that fails and suddenly you’ve just got this shambling monster wearing the face of a former ally in the fight against them. I suppose a more grounded metaphor would be like comparing it to someone you know joining a cult. every value they had is suddenly gone and they’re just removing themselves from all their old circles to hang out exclusively with these dangerous creeps.

I can’t stress enough that this isn’t me saying “there’s still good in him.” Dude’s out there getting the police showing up at his door because he won’t stop harassing random women and literally organizing letter-writing campaigns to cut the funding to a charity that keeps marginalized children from killing themselves. That is way too far over the cliff to entertain any notion of someone ever crawling back. No my point in all this that moral consistency isn’t anywhere near as solid as people like to tell themselves it is. People can go from vehement anti-fascism to full on fascist over a single conversation with the right recruiter on the right day and there’s really nothing you can do about it but hope you recognize it before your denial starts to amplify the damage.

At least I sure as hell hope there’s nothing else you can do about it because again, this guy was literally my biggest fan before he suddenly flipped, and I don’t want to have to second guess myself about what part of me saying “fascism is bad and trans people don’t deserve this sort of harassment” was sufficiently unclear that a guy hanging on my every word for like a year could get all backwards.

This really isn’t a story with a feel-good moral at the end. I mean, the best spin I can put on it is, moral compasses can break, so be sure to pull yours out regularly and double check that it’s still pointing north, don’t just follow the person ahead of you and assume theirs is working? Make sure you’re familiar with a definition of fascism that doesn’t rely on what costumes someone’s wearing? Bear in mind that the oppressed minority turning out to be the real bullies is just not a thing that happens? Just... don’t ever be like Graham here.

[edourado]

Karedevil prompt: five things that make you happy.

Ok. Finally! I got it! 

How long have I been promising you a prompt? I’m sorry, my writing process is a beeaatch, but here it is. 

Hope you like it! 

(There’s more Karedevil coming. I’m in a good writing spree)

Five Things

Truth

Of course she worries. And of course she has one eye on the clock and one on the news every hour that he is out with his mask on. That’s a given. Even Matt stopped telling her not to worry. He just kisses her and promises to be back.

And he was true to his word, mostly. Sometimes it took him a while. Sometimes she would go to sleep and wake up and there would be no sign of him. Sometimes she would wait up for him until the sun was up. Sometimes she would leave for work without knowing where he was.

But, at least, every time, he called. And when he couldn’t, he explained. No half truths, no “I’ll explain later”, no secrets. He didn’t keep anything from her anymore. He told the truth and it made her feel good. It made her feel like she could trust him. Because sometimes she still had doubts. Every time he sighed and spent a few seconds in silence when she asked, she braced herself. But, now, he always set himself and spoke. The truth. No matter how hard it was, how mad it was going to make her, no matter how worried she would be when he showed her the new cuts and the new bruises. Even when it made her cry. He would hold her and kiss her and tell her he’s ok, he would promise to be careful. Sometimes they would fight.

But he would always tell the truth.

And that made her breathe in, let go of the momentary anger, put her hands on his face and kiss him, thanking whatever God he was loyal to for his safety, that he returned to her, bruised and wounded, but he came back.

And Karen would always be grateful for that. And she would make a point to make sure he knew just how grateful she was that he did not lie anymore.

.:.

Presence

She sees it all the time. The people at the office complaining about having to attend anniversary dinners with their significant others when there was not enough time, there was too much work, they were tired.

And it’s not that Karen judged them. She understands, sometimes there is so much to do, it can be overwhelming. And she knows, that that honeymoon phase, that made her and Matt want to spend every free minute glued to each other, it was not forever. It was going to phase, eventually.

But, for now, she couldn’t relate too much. For now, she would count down the minutes until she could turn the computer off and leave the office, take the first cab available and drive to his place or run home and wait for him there.

Even when she had to wait for him at the restaurant when they both had energy to go out, when he called apologising, that he was going to be late, but he would be there soon, she would still smile, still roll her shoulders and take another look at the menu, trying to anticipate what he would order.

And when he came in, bending to kiss her and pulling his seat from the other side of the table to sit by her side, his arm around her back, asking about her day, and she could see the fresh bruise under his glasses, or the split skin of his knuckles.

Matt is busier than the average boyfriend. Her career took up a lot of her time, too, but he was a very special kind of lawyer, working both for the people who cannot afford to pay him and for people who can (he has to survive somehow, and New York is not a cheap city to live in), plus his night activities, with people like him, special in their own personal way, fighting, giving their all to protect those who did not ask for their help or knew they needed it. It’s safe to say his schedule is more than full.

So it filled her heart with a feeling it was almost alien, an euphoria, a giddiness and a warmth that spread all over when she saw him running, trying, making an effort, refusing to reschedule on her, when he fell asleep with his head on her lap while she watched that movie that has been on her Netflix list for so long instead of falling asleep in bed, just because he wanted to be with her.

“Hi, sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry”, he would say, placing hurried kisses on her lips, hurrying to change out of his work clothes so they could go out for drinks, for a walk, for food. And she would try not to sigh, and yes, of course she wanted to go out, see the city, enjoy her boyfriend and her time with him.

But sometimes, just the fact that he was still willing to, after a hard day, even when he was limping, even bone tired as he would be, that was enough. So she would stop him from putting a fresh shirt on, hold him, kiss him until he let out that breath that she knew was holding him up.

“We can go out another time”, she would say.

And, of course, stubborn man, Matt Murdock, he would argue.

“No, I’m fine, we should go. We have to eat anyway.”

Karen was stubborn, too.

“Matt. You can barely stand up straight.”

“Karen-”

“No. Don’t even try using your lawyer voice with me, it’s not gonna work.”

He raised his brows.

“My lawyer voice?”

“Yes, your ‘I have a good argument’ voice. It’s not gonna work. You’re tired. And even you, Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, have to sleep.” WIth one more kiss to his lips and a hand to his hair, nails massaging his scalp, because she knew it relaxed him. “You’re not really the devil, you know?”

A chuckle, a hand on her back, bringing her closer to him.

“There are some people that swear otherwise.”

Pulling away, she took his shirt from him and hung it back in it’s designated place in his closet and he didn’t need to hug her to his chest to make her smile. Just the fact that he tried, that he was willing to go out again, just to make her happy, just because he knew she wanted to, it was enough.

“The devil couldn’t love me as much as you do.”

He chuckled in her hair and she turned around to face him again, removing his glasses.

“Indian?”

He shook his head.

“I was thinking Italian. Chelsea Market. Cappone’s?”

“Hmm. Yeah. Good idea. Not tonight, though. Tomorrow. Or whenever you’re not half asleep already.”

Holding her by the back of her neck, he kissed her like he wanted to start something, and she let him, for more than a few seconds, enjoying his hands and his body and the noises he was making. When he took a step back towards his bed, though, she resisted.

“You get ready for bed. I’ll bring you your Italian food. Homemade pasta.”

Oh, she loved that smile.  

“My own private chef?”

“That’s right, counselor. And, if you manage to stay awake until after dinner, your own private masseuse, too.”

“Hmm”, he said, suddenly becoming handsy and bolder. “Are you trying to seduce me into submission?”

“Yes”, a bite on his bottom lip, full and red, always so distracting. “And it’s working.”

“It is.”

“Then go do as I said, and I’ll fix your dinner.”

She pushed him into the bed, giggling as he tugged on her wrist, untangling before he could really pull her there with him, walking towards the kitchen to work on the quick pasta she was becoming an expert in preparing.

He didn’t wait for her in bed. Preferred to listen to her moving around in his kitchen, leaning on the counter, asking her to walk him through what she was doing.

Once they were done eating, he promised he would take care of the dishes. “Tomorrow.” Pulling her into bed with him, Matt sighed while she perched on top of him to massage his muscles before going to sleep. It was something she liked to do for him - but it was also an excuse to run her hands all over him and not have that smug grin appear on his face.

On the next day, she heard him refusing a meeting with Jeri Hogarth, that big shot lawyer that Foggy worked with and had ties to Jessica Jones and Danny Rand. Because he had promised her to go out for dinner.

And Karen smiled. Even if dinner was in Chelsea Market, eating Italian subs while standing up, paper bags on the high table next to the window, Karen loved it. Because he was there. And he wanted to be.

.:.

Joy

It’s not a new thing, to laugh when she’s with them. Their history started while she shook with fear and uncertainty, and they made their best to keep her safe. Matt and Foggy made themselves her family.

So her heart soars every time she sees them being friends again.

It took a while, after the death of Nelson & Murdock, for them to talk again. But, Foggy working now where he worked and Matt doing what he did, life forced them together eventually. It was painful, it was awkward, it even made her cry once or twice. But, slowly, they started making their way back to normal.

And she loves, she just loves seeing them teasing each other again, laughing together, sometimes working together, trading information, even arguing, when trying to take the other out of harm’s way.

“Ok, on three.”

“On three of after three?”

“On three, Foggy, or I would have said ‘on four’.”

They’re helping her put her new place back together (they all agreed she should move after the walls on her previous place were decorated with bullet holes). Now, as she took plates from boxes and put them on her new kitchen cabinets, she smiled as they tried to bring her couch from downstairs and place it where she wanted it on the living room.

“Left. No, my left”, Foggy was saying. “No, no, wait, wait! Should we maybe turn it? Is this door wide enough?”

“It’s wide enough. Come on, it’s heavy.”

He walked backwards as Foggy walked forwards, moving the couch carefully and turning it like this and like that until it was in.

“Ok”, Foggy said, throwing himself on it after it was on it’s place. “Beer break.”

Matt laughed and poked a finger on Foggy’s belly.

“You need to exercise, man.”

“Fuck off. Go get me a beer, I’m parched.”

Matt walked to the kitchen and stopped to place a kiss on her cheek before opening it.

“What are you grinning about?”

“Nothing. I just love to see you guys like this.”

He smiled and moved to get three bottles from the fridge.

“Me too.”

He pulled her by the hand and they sat on her couch, talking on the otherwise empty apartment, the easy conversations that were the true aspect of their friendship flowing and flowing, until Karen sighed and got up to keep unpacking the kitchen.

“Come on”, Matt said, getting up, too. “Her bed is next.”

Foggy groaned and got up, following Matt out the door.

“We should have called Luke and Jessica”, he mused and Karen smiled at the sound of Matt’s laughter.

This is how it should be.

.:.

Comfort

As much as she loves those moments, where she felt her small family getting stronger, she also loved, loved, loved the ones where it was just them.

He’s busy. She’s busy. Ellison likes her stories and says she is a natural, but she has had no real journalistic training. She has a lot to learn. It’s not just writing and publishing, she wishes. There are so many details, political ones, technical ones, graphical ones, ethical ones, not to mention the actually writing process of a story. Seems easy, but it’s not.

So time alone, to sit and relax and enjoy being together, it can be a luxury.

So it makes it that much more meaningful when she can lock the world outside her door and windows, when he climbs the stairs from his roof access and strips the red suit off, or when he closes the front door and undoes the knot of his tie and it’s just them.

Of course she loves it when they’re naked and breathless and there’s no space between them. She loves those times. But, if she had to pick, her favorites would be when he gets home and sits in front of her on the couch, in bed, on a chair, and presses his back to her chest, head resting on one of her shoulders, letting her run her fingers through his hair, and she could feel him breathin deep, in and out, his eyes drifting close.

That he can be comfortable with her, even if it’s such a simple thing, means so much. After he told her about how much effort it was to keep that secret from the world, how he felt like he couldn’t trust anyone, be himself with anyone, it made it that much more important.

She wants his honesty, his respect, but she also wants him to trust her. To be himself around her. She wants to be that for him, a source of comfort, someone he liked to be around.

His presence already let her heart at ease. She wanted hers to be the same for him. And when he leaned on her like that, vulnerable, letting her ease away the weight he carried on his shoulders every day, it felt good. It felt right.

“Hard day?” she asks when he does it one night, pulling her attention from that  book she had been meaning to finish reading a month ago. It has started raining outside, his hair and shirt are a little wet from when he hopped off the cab in front of her building.

“Hmm. No. Not particularly. It was actually kind of boring.”

She’s unbuttoning his shirt because a cold is the last thing he needs and he nuzzles his nose on the side of her neck.

“I missed you, though.”

Karen smiles, because oh, she did, too. Every time the weather is like this, rainy but not cold, she felt the urge to be close to him. Maybe it had something to do with that first kiss. Maybe not. She’s not too eager to find out. Doesn’t matter.

Because she has him. And he has her.

“I love you”, he says, eyes closed, one hand closing around hers when she finishes taking his shirt off him.

“I love you, too”, she says with a kiss on his temple.

She tries to read while he sleeps against her, but soon she is resting her head on the back of the couch, staring out the window, drifting off, lulled by the rhythm of his breathing.

And she wakes a few minutes later when her neck starts hurting, and he gets up and pulls her until they’re both in bed. There, he cuddles against her again, holding her flush against him, and she can feel his heartbeat against her skin.

It’s been awhile since the nightmares kept her up at night.

.:.

Peace

There are days, weeks, sometimes months, that she thinks it’s all pointless. Why fight so hard for humanity, when humanity itself can be such an ugly, hateful, hard thing? Why keep uncovering the filth, why expose evil, why put herself through this if they keep coming back? Greed and hate and so much dirt, so much ugliness. Every time she’s done with one, another one comes, bigger, worse. Sometimes she feels like she’s punching a wall, drowning in a sea of wrong.

And she knows he feels it, too. If her work gives her a front seat view of all that is wrong, his - both of them - puts him right in the middle of everything.

Including those who try to twist the good he tries to do. Who call him a criminal and a deviant, dangerous, demon, devil, dangerous. A threat to those he tries to protect, every day, every day, every day.

She gets to his place and she’s tired. Annoyed and irritated. A senator, hurt and angry that she had exposed where his campaign money comes from and where his voters taxes go, had written a long article, full of lies, accusing her of sensationalism, of taking money from his opponent, of trying to bribe him, trying to make her look as corrupt and dirty as he is.

When Matt got there, she was already in bed, having skipped dinner.

Of course he had read it. She could feel it the way he walked, careful and measured. When he opened the bedroom door and sat carefully on the edge of the bed, Karen waited.

And, sure enough, he bent and dropped a kiss on her head, long and lingering, getting up right after to change into his other suit.

“So”, he started, soft and low, but also sure and determined. “What’s the next move?”

She sighed, turning to lie on her back.

“I don’t know yet.”

“We’ll figure it out.” And then he was, shirtless and barefoot, kneeling in bed, supporting his weight on his hands and crawling the distance from her feet to her face to catch her mouth in his. “You want me to teach him a lesson?”

Karen smiled against his mouth, shaking her head and pressing another kiss or two on his lips.

“No. Best not make it obvious Daredevil cares what people say about me, wouldn’t you say?”

“I can send Jessica.”

“God, no. Can you imagine? She already doesn’t like him. Let’s not give her a reason to use that considerable strength of hers on him.”

He shrugged.

“I wouldn’t mind, actually.”

As it turns out, he didn’t have to do anything. Trish called asking her to come over for some wine, snacks and The Bachelorette reruns at her place. She was trying to convince her friend to let her take a rain check when Jessica took the phone.

“Listen, just stop whining and come over. And bring that righteous asshole you call a boyfriend, I need to talk to him. Claire found some pretty interesting shit, I need to run it by him. Ok? Ok. See you soon.”

So, off they went. She did have a few glasses of wine with Trish, listening on tips how to deal with misogynist assholes while Jessica and Matt talked about their vigilante business. And when they decided to go, she was feeling better. A little light headed from Trish’s expensive wine, but better.

“Tell me the truth”, she said, when he had his arm around her in the cab. “Did you call Trish?”

He didn’t answer right away, so she turned her face and looked up at him, the red lenses of his glasses reflecting the street lights as they drove by them. And then that smirk.

“No.”

Rolling her eyes, she smiled and pressed a kiss to his jaw.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to, but thank you.”

She fell asleep around one in the morning, after he stripped her naked and made her forget why she was upset in the first place. She was boneless and the tip of her fingers and toes were tingling when she pulled him to her, insisting he stayed, please, she didn’t feel like sleeping alone tonight, please, please.

He did. She knew he was going to leave after she fell asleep - and she doesn’t really blame him anymore. It’s his nature. She’s done fighting it. -, but he waited, held her tight and did as she asked.

To her surprise, he was still there the next morning, his alarm waking both of them up, and they got ready for work and ate breakfast together and he walked her to the Bulletin’s door.

“Have a nice day”, he said, kissing her lips and stealing one more bite of her bagel before walking towards his own office, and Karen felt like the exact opposite of how she felt the night before.

Not jaded and angry and hopeless, but energized and ready and… supported. She had him in her corner. He had her. They could do this. He was strong in ways she wasn’t and she was strong in ways he wasn’t. And it sounds sappy and teenager and cliché, but oh, if that doesn’t motivate her to go on.

(And if the hostess of Trish Talk made a speech in her defense that day and made her smile, she also had him to thank. Maybe having a vigilante boyfriend is not so bad, if his friends are willing to adopt you as one of their own and defend you with the same fierce will they did him.)

[survivor-islands-of-adventure]

EPISODE 9

As frustrating as the blind vote was, Timmy went home, thankfully. There wasn’t a lot of drama or anything, but I still want to touch base with everyone regardless.

Mark made a group chat comprised of all of the original Villains kinda out of nowhere. Named it "OG Villys", which is dangerously close to copyright infringement with the thing I have with Chris and Drew. They're targeting Tracey, which I'm not crazy about. She's really proven herself these last couple of days to me, and I'd rather see a villain go than a civilian.

I knew that "OG Villys" chat was sus. According to Drew, Ricky went rouge and told him that the plan isn't to vote out a Hero, it's to vote out a Civilian. Tracey is just an easy target, and after her, it'll be a domino effect. Not gonna lie, I feel a little betrayed, but at least I've got an excuse to work with the Heroes.

We love tea and our allies winning the special powers! Pat just told me he won the blind reward comp! So exciting. I do consider Pat a very close ally in this game. He has a Sapphire Idol and this is definitely something we can utilize down the road. I knew it would be some cracked ass idol knowing Monty specifically haha. I was worried someone like Sammy or Mark would have it but knowing where it is, is certainly helpful. I feel like I’m in a decent spot in this game, it’s just going to be tricky not being caught on both sides. I have my OG heroes on one side, and my civilian boys on the other side. Realistically Mark or Tracey going doesn’t really negatively impact my game in any shape or form. I think Mark going is big because it’s the first real big move of the game. It could open things up between Sammy and I and other OG villains that didn’t get swapped. It’s also a positive for Tracey to go because I literally have no allegiance to her. She hasn’t told me the truth about my name being thrown around (even tho it was fake) and she honestly just isn’t online as much as she should be to chat. I really don’t know which way I’m voting tonight, but it will likely be what’s best for my game personally without making any waves??? What that is??? Who knows.

Why does Ricky hate me so much like he comes for me in every game we play together, I just don't know what I did to him to make him hate me so much. 

A.T. told me that Mark should go home because we should vote a villain out, but i dont 100% agree with it. Now apparently votes are going for Madison which I 200% don't agree with because apparently Ricky wants her out. Idk who to vote for at this point but it sure as hell isn't for Madison. I might need to vote Mark but I'll still be upset if he leaves. Who else is gonna call me Mami?

So apparently AT is a rat? And so is stoner? And mark could be going home? Like what the hell is happening. I really need Madison or AT to go home and it ain’t fair I don’t get my way all the time ugh! I am perfect! 

Positives I won immunity I'm at least tying my worst placement, hopefully beating it I had a really good hiding spot Negatives: An ally is leaving tonight I have no traction in this game Getting out of double digits is gonna be nearly impossible I spent an entire day of my life defending a fucking hiding spot I'm sad like all the time Why am i here

This week has been fucking crazy. Dan is the only one that know that I TOLD MARK THATVHE WAS BEING TARGETED. And my final goal was to save Madison and mark and I think that me and dan and Chelsea actually pulled it off. I am SO BERVOUS for this vote. This has been one of the most hectic survivor days I have ever had ever. 

Whewwwwww so I survived blind week and timbo is goooooone! He was mad on his way out talking about big moves and stuff gfhgjgjbjh so immunity happened and drew got it which leaves me in a panic bc I feel like vulnerable and obvs my name was brought up but now everything is getting messy and I might be fine after all????? So initially I wanted to go for one of the heroes but then AT came to me and was like we should vote mark instead and I'm like wow he's really goin after his own ppl,?!?! So like Chelsea got wind of this plan and told mark about it which makes me wonder if they are close or if Chelsea wants the villains to self destruct ???? Either way it could keep me safe so idc!!!!!! So like Madison's name has also been brought up but I think with the two boys targeting each other she may be safe too, which sucks bc fuck the heroes but oh well. Anyway in conclusion this tribal is gonna be messy and idk what will happen cyrhdjfgg like my biggest fear rn is that the heroes are tricking both sides of the villains in order for us to split and then they have majority and vote for like me or smth idk if that's even viable at this point but I'm worrying anyway dhdjdjndjd I think my best bet may be with voting for mark but we'll see how it goes 

This week has been fucking crazy. Dan is the only one that know that I TOLD MARK THATVHE WAS BEING TARGETED. And my final goal was to save Madison and mark and I think that me and dan and Chelsea actually pulled it off. I am SO BERVOUS for this vote. This has been one of the most hectic survivor days I have ever had ever. 

okay so i has the hiding spot first bc i saw the rule where if you had it for an hour then like u win. So i was like okay y’all like I’m about to pop off and win this thing. Then the rule got changed  and I was like oop and pmed drew telling him to take it and he could have it LMAO. I didn’t tell anyone that tho bc I don’t want people to think I’m working w him. I wanna trust drew so badly but i know how smart he is and how he can snap crackle and pop my neck in a sec. so i ended up sleeping really good bc i didn’t care about the challenge bc i don’t think I’m in any real danger. In order to win this game tho i need to make some power moves. I really want to separate myself from mark even tho we have f2 but like i wanna be f2 with Dan or like Tracey or something. Or Charlotte/pippa. I just know that mark has a target on his back and i could potentially get one on mine by association. I have barely talked to any of the heroes so i gotta up my social game. Also AT has annoyed me a lot and I have my little alliance the suggestion of voting him out and they legit just turned it down. UMM NO YALL, I’ve been through this before and I’m not going through another alliance where what i day doesn’t matter. By the end of the night I’ll get what i want. That put up a red flag for me bc it shows that the alliance isn’t really like showing thought about my plan and that madison should go home tonight. I low key didn’t care much for madison and the start bc like we don’t talk but i want to work with her and like pat more. Umm i think that’s all that has happened but I’ve heard several names(Madison/Mark/Dan/AT/Tracey) as long as it ain’t me I’m good HOLLA.

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol andrew? ANDREW? fucking andrew tried to get me out. my goodness what a terrific joke that was. The second he brought my name up every hero came to me and told me. the best part is im not close with any of them other than pat lol. then he tried to be cute on call and i shut that down too. imagine how embarrasing that mustve been. so confident on call for absolutely nothing. the only thing that might come back at me on that vote was when i told madison that stoner targetted her last round LOL he def didnt do that but im a fucking villain for a reason so yolo. anyways the foursome of me sammy charlotte and ricky is like well known now but im p sure pat and chelsea want me to stick around and work with me. eventually well have to cut ricky so that way me and sammy dont look so suspicious. im gonna try and fade into the background for a couple rounds but that wont happen. if it were up to me the next three votes would be dan drew and then stoner. dan and drew are just such challenge beasts and it breaks up the alliance of chelsea pat dan and madison and stoner is just a flake and does whatever he wants which is scary.  ok im bored of typing bye

[nerdgurl22]

Election Night 92′ - Part 5

I want to let this chapter speak for itself.  I really hope you enjoy.

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Bill was in his office with Al and some campaign staffers and they were discussing cabinet picks, and that was when Hillary thought she could quietly sneak out and head to the doctor but there was quite the commotion at the door as she tried to leave unnoticed.  The secret service was not allowing her to go anywhere alone, and this was now the part her reality she was not prepared for.  Trying so hard to quietly make a deal with the secret service before Bill was alerted to what was happening, but that was short lived as he came out into the front hallway.  "What is going on out here?" Bill yelled.  "Sorry sir but the First Lady wanted to go out and we can't let her leave alone."  Jeff the head of the detail explains.  Hillary just looked down to the floor.  "Honey, where are you needing to go?"  He asks in wonderment.  "I just need to run a few errands Bill, it is no big deal."  She tries to calm him down without alerting him to what she is really doing, and she casually glances down at her watch.  She continues before he can say a word, "It is fine Jeff and the guys will go with me and you can get back to working on the short lists for cabinet picks and I will be back before dinner."  She hops up on her tippy toes to give Bill a kiss and she is out the door with Jeff before he can really process what is happening.  He stands in the hall and just looks at the front door, puts a puzzled look on his face, shook his head from left to right and turned around to go back into the study.

Meanwhile as Jeff and her detail are taking her to the car she taps Jeff on the arm, "Please Jeff if you could keep where we are going from Bill that would be very helpful."  Jeff looks at her, "Ma'am if the President Elect asks me I cannot withhold that information from him, it is a violation of my job."  She is trying to grasp all this new added security and she doesn't want to make their job any more difficult.  "I understand Jeff, but I just need to make sure of something first before I let Bill know what is going on.  I don't want you to violate your job but I just need to make sure what is about to happen is something that will happen and not something I am just dreaming in my head."  Jeff is now extremely confused but begrudgingly he agrees.  "So ma'am where are we headed?"  Jeff asks as she gets into the car.  "Little Rock Medical Center."  Hillary answered as they closed her door.

Trying to arrive for the doctor appointment without being noticed was not going to happen now, not with the police escort and secret service members having to now sweep the hospital before her arrival.  They pull up and they open the door to let her out, as she walks into the front door her good friend and doctor Carol Shuster is there waiting for her.  "Hillary, it is so wonderful to see you."  She reaches out to hug Hillary.  As she and Hillary embrace Hillary whispers in her ear, "Carol continue to pretend I am just here for a friendly visit but I need to be examined, we need to keep this super quiet."  She pulls away from Carol and smiles, Carol now understands why Hillary's name was down for an appointment.  "Let's head into my office for a light lunch and we can discuss the work I do at the clinic."  Carol is now playing along, it all looks so casual, people in the waiting area come up to congratulate Hillary on her husbands amazing victory last night and she is smiling and making it all seem just so normal.  "Janine please make sure my appointments are looked at by the partners, Mrs. Clinton and I have some catching up to do."  As they approach the office Hillary stops Carol, "Jeff and the agents just have to sweep your office Carol give them a moment."  Carol nods and they wait.  "Mrs. Clinton all clear ma'am you can go in."  "Thank you Jeff, if you wouldn't mind just waiting out here at the door while Carol and I catch up that would be very much appreciated."  Hillary is hoping Jeff will say yes but she isn't sure if they literally need to be with her at all times or not.  "Of course ma'am, we will be right at the door."  Jeff is now understanding her perimeter of comfort, and her and Carol go into the office and close the door behind them.

"Ok Hillary, what is going on."  Carol is not a woman who beats around the bush and that is why Hillary is good friends with her, she gets right to the point.  "I am not sure to be honest, I had this very weird dream yesterday afternoon as I was napping and it woke me out of a sound sleep."  Hillary explained.  "What kind of dream?"  Carol is not at all a psychologist but she and her friend Hillary are just having a chat.  "Much like the one I had when I found out I was pregnant with Chelsea."  Hillary knows the minute Carol processes what she just said she will surely understand why she is here, and she was right.  "Ahh, I see.  So you need for me to run a few tests to find out for certain."  "Yes I do Carol, I hate imposing on our friendship but I need this to be as discrete as possible and Bill cannot find out."  Hillary before going any further was cut off, "Hillary why don't you want Bill to know?  It's his right?"  Hillary laughed and so did Carol, they both know that it would of course be Bill's child.  "I just don't want to tell him and get his hopes up if I am wrong, I couldn't bare to see him that crushed again.  After our loss in 84' he tried to pretend it didn't bother him and he wanted to be strong for me but when I heard him the night after in the bathroom crying and asking god Why, (Hillary starts to cry.) it broke my heart and for it to be my fault I couldn't give him another child...  That was the most painful time for us."

Carol sensing that this might get away from her, she stands up and walks around her desk to put her hand on Hillary's shoulder.  "Don't worry sweetie, I won't breath a word of this to anyone.  But in order for me to run the test I am going to need to get you into an exam room and with your Secret Service detail that might be difficult without them suspecting something."  Hillary quickly responded, "No, it should be ok, I might be able to convince Jeff to move to the end of the hallway.  I can tell him that you want me to meet with an old friend in one of the rooms that is going through some tough times.".  "Let me go and get an exam room ready around the hallway and then you can talk to them, just relax here for a few minutes."  Hillary taps her friends hand on her shoulder and nods up at her with a smile.

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Hillary tilts her head back on the chair for a moment and closes her eyes and she is instantly drifted back to her memories...

It was the summer of 1984, and Chelsea was away at her grandparents house in Park Ridge, Hillary and Bill would be joining her in a few days after they finished up some work.  It was a rather hot day at the end of June and Hillary had gotten home first, she went up to the bedroom with her briefcase she had a ton of reading to do on not just the case she was working on but also a bunch of material she had to review for a few schools in northern Arkansas.  She laid her briefcase down on the bed and went right into the bathroom to take a shower to try and cool herself down.  She was not a fan of the dry heat that Arkansas had, but just like many other times in her life she had learned to adapt to it over the years.  She exited the shower and dried herself off and saw Bill's Georgetown shirt on the sink from the the day before so she quickly pulled it on and made her way out into the bedroom.  She started to pull her papers out of the briefcase and her glasses and she climbed onto the bed propping the pillow behind her on the headboard to sit more comfortably and read her material.  About an hour later she thought she had heard the front door open, it was Bill getting home from a late day at the State House.  He was not in a very good mood, in fact he was fuming mad.  He got into an argument with his staff over a proposal that would get more tourist to the state, he usually didn't get this mad but with the heat like it was it really was getting to him.

He came right up the stairs never checking to see where Hillary might be, in fact he wasn't even sure she was home yet.  He walked into the bedroom and was just having an argument with himself never noticing his wife on the bed reading and she didn't make herself known because when he came in he threw his stuff on the chair across from their bed and went right into the bathroom and shut the door.  She took her glasses off and just stared at the door to the bathroom, she then heard the shower start and she realized that he just needed to cool off and calm down from whatever had him so furious.  She went back to reading her material and never gave it a second thought.  Finally after about 15 minutes she heard the water turn off, and about 3 minutes later Bill came out of the bathroom with just a towel draped around his mid-section and a hint of water still glistening on his bare chest.  She was just staring at his chest, rather seductively mind you.  Bill stopped dead and just stared back at her... her legs were bent at the knee, her hair was barely touching her shoulder because she haphazardly pulled it up and her glasses on the bridge of her nose and in his over sized t-shirt just barely laying over her stunning hips.  She looked so relaxed and so sexy.  "Well hello there, how long have you been there on the bed?"  His heart seriously pounding almost out of his chest.  "For a while honey, you came in so angry and went right into the bathroom I didn't want to startle you."  She said it so soft like, that it sent a damn electron-shock through his damn body.  Something about her just sitting there so comfortable and relaxed and not even trying to be sexy, made her that much more sexy to him.

She still however could not stop drifting her eyes to his bare chest still glistening with a few beads of water, my god he looks so damn sexy.  She was getting flush and she could tell her cheeks were getting pinker by the second.  Bill couldn't help noticing what him standing there was doing to his wife, so he decided to make the tension even more difficult for her and he walked over to the foot of the bed now even closer for her to admire.  "What are you working on my love?"  He said it with a little more draw in his voice that he knew she couldn't resist.  "Uhh, just some stuff for my case and then I was going to review school figures."  She knew when she said it that it sounded so not like her, she was distracted and she tried so hard never to be.  She just couldn't help herself, something about him in that moment was causing her to act like a love struck teenager.  She shifted her hips just slightly but enough for Bill to notice exactly what he was doing to her.  This power the two of them have over one another that no one else gets to see, on the surface they look like a typical normal married couple, but that's how they want people to see them.  No one sees the deep desires they have for one another, many in Arkansas never understood them, why a man as charming as Bill would go for what they perceived was a wallflower.  Little did they know that Hillary Rodham Clinton was anything but, she is smart, intellectual, sophisticated, a big heart, a fighter, a lover, a friend, a mother and a wonderfully devoted wife.  

Hillary now twirling her glasses in her fingers and she looks down at her knees hopefully the goosebumps aren't showing on her legs, and quickly Bill pushes the papers she has spread out on the bed out of the way so he can sit on the bed at her feet.  Before she knew it he was bent over and kissing the top of her left foot, and he slowly began to move up her leg until his lips were on the top of her knee cap.  As he is paying attention to the top of her knee his soft gentle fingers were following slowly up the back of her leg, and her right leg went flat, she closed her eyes and tilted her head back toward the headboard.  The tension in her body is almost just too much, she is yearning for him in a way she almost had never felt before.  His gentle touch with not just his lips but on the under side of her leg and now knee with his fingers was sending her into another dimension, and Bill knew it so he over emphasized the light gentle touch.  All she could muster were almost breathless "Mmmms" as Bill just kept teasing her, she knew she was no longer in control but she also was not expecting this to be happening right now.  All she could think about was his soft touch.  Bill now takes this chance to run his right hand very lightly up the outside of her left thigh, and as he gets to the top Hillary arches her back, completely unaware of all time and space or even what she is doing.  Bill follows the path of his fingers with his lips.  He knows he has her in a totally different universe and he is not stopping now.  

Kissing the outside of her thigh he realizes she is not wearing any type of under garments, so he slides his hand up under the shirt tracing the outline of her hips and slowly up to her rib cage.  He has to get this damn t-shirt off of her but he doesn't want to go to fast, seeing his beautiful wife enjoying every light touch is a sight to behold.  His fingers are now rubbing up and down her rib cage like he is plucking the strings of a guitar, and Hillary in between moans and conjuring up what little breath she can, "Bill."  He can only smile, his lips are now on her hip and he is kissing it like he was on her lips, he can feel her body tingle, her left hand now running deep into his hair.  He is so aroused but he knows this can't be quick, this isn't like the time they threw the cocktail party at the mansion and he took her quickly in the small bathroom because he couldn't contain himself any longer, no this had to be slow and steady.  

"Bill... Bill..."  

All she can seem to get out is his name, not anything else.  Bill takes her glasses from her hand and throws them on the other side of the bed, and in one seamless fluid motion moves his right hand to the middle of her back, and pulls his shirt up over her head with his left.  There she is completely exposed to him and only him, no one else gets the honor and privilege to see her this vulnerable and no one ever will.  His lips are now on her rib cage and both of her hands are running through his hair.  Her breath is so taken that every time she inhales and exhales her chest is rising and falling so dramatically.  She is almost breathless and she is totally lost in his universe of pure ecstasy kissing now moving up to her shoulder and he gently rubs the side of her left breast with his face and it causes her to let out a hiss.  Now on her bare beautiful shoulder he makes his way to the underside of her neck and she has her head tilted back and an arch in her back.  He moves up the underside of her chin, then her chin and waits a moment for her to catch up to where he is now and leans down to catch his blue eyes into her blue eyes and when their lips touch literal fireworks went off.  

"Bill I can't take it any longer...  I need you..."  Finally she found her words and Bill just stared deep into her eyes.  He unhooks the towel from around his waste, never dropping his gaze on her, never losing the connection their soul is now having with their eyes.  He thought to himself "If this is heaven I don't ever want to leave."  He wraps his left hand and arm around her and slides her down on the bed a bit, and her body is literally seething.  He places his right hand on her breast plate very gently, "Baby, relax, please.  Just feel my touch." She is trying lord knows she is trying but she has no control over what is happening to her at this moment, but she is looking into his eyes and he is lovingly trying to get her to regulate her breathing.  As soon as she settles her breathing and looks a little more relaxed, he gently slides himself inside her.  The euphoria caused her to go almost speechless again, "Oh...... god.....".  Bill's pace is slow, he wants them to take their time and connect so deeply that their souls will literally become one.  Her hands are on his back shoulder blades, she can literally feel his muscles move with each slow thrust.  She lifted up and bent her right leg, Bill then dipped his head down to where her neck meets her shoulder, Hillary's slight move of the leg gave him deeper penetration and her hips are moving with his rhythm.  

Her moans are causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand up, and he slightly increases his pace, "Hillary..." he whispers into her right ear, "I love you so much.".  She moves her hand to the nape of his neck and he tilts his neck and back and without trying he thrusts into her a little harder and deeper, "Oh... Bill... Oooohhhhhh...", they are there and they both know it and he puts his forehead on hers.  "Baby, don't take your eyes off me.  Keep looking into my eyes."  She complies and when they both feel the ocean at the same time he can see sparkles in her eyes.  

She goes back to that memory because that is the time they made love that they conceived the baby, confirmed at her doctor's visit 3 weeks later after they got back home from Illinois.  Bill was so happy in the exam room with her when she found out, the look of sheer pride in his eyes and how he kissed her and said, "Thank you for another blessing."  Filled her heart with such warmth.  It was so beautiful, and joyous, but it wouldn't last long.  3 and a half weeks later as Hillary was leaving a meeting with junior lawyers she felt a pain she had never felt before, and she knew something was very wrong.  

She went quickly into the bathroom and that's when she saw the blood, her heart dropped.  She fixed herself as best she could and went into her office and called her doctor, they wanted her to come in right away.  She then called Bill at work and knew this would be the hardest phone call she would ever have to make.  "Hi, Donna, it's Hillary.  Is Bill available?"  "Yes he is dear, he just got done a meeting let me put you through."  Bill picks up the phone, "Hi my love."  Hillary starts to cry.  "Honey, what is wrong?"  "Bill... you need to meet me at the doctor's right now."  Bill's heart sunk in his chest, "Okay sweetheart, I am on my way right now."  After he hangs he calls for his secretary, "Donna!"  His secretary enters stunned, "Governor?  What's wrong?"  "I have to go meet 

Hillary at the doctors, something is wrong."  Donna dropped her head down, she was the only one he told, he couldn't help it he was so excited and Donna has been with him for almost 7 years, she is more like a sister.  "Governor I will move your schedule around, don't worry."  Bill stands up and leaves his office.   Hillary was already in the room, changed and on the table in a gown.  When Bill arrived he ran down the hallway to her room and burst in, panting and out of breath.  As soon as Hillary saw him she began to cry, Bill rushed over to her and took her head in his arms, and tried to rock her.  The doctor entered the room as soon as he heard the Governor had arrived, Hillary insisted to hold off examination until he arrived.  "Governor (the doctor shook his hand), ok Hillary are you ready to begin?"  All she could do was acknowledge yes with the shaking of her head.  Bill held her hand and rubbed her forehead, trying all he could do to keep her calm, but silently he was asking for God to not do this to her.  "Please lord, don't do this to her.  She will never forgive herself if we lose this baby.  Please just don't do this to her."  

After a few minutes the doctor stood up and removed his gloves, and Bill watched him like a hawk.  As he threw the gloves into the trash can he was trying to search how to tell the Governor and First Lady this news.  He turned to look at Bill, and as soon as Bill saw his face he knew the answer.  "Bill and Hillary... I am so terribly sorry."  Hillary squeezed Bill's hand and started sobbing uncontrollably, and all Bill could do was hold her head to his chest.  Trying everything he could to give her whatever strength he had inside him, rubbing her head and her clutching his arm.  The pain was unbearable to her, the hope of new life, the hope of a new life she and Bill had created was gone in a flash.  

When they arrived back at the Governor's mansion Hillary could barely move, she was so drained emotionally and physically that Bill had to carry her into the house and up to the bedroom.  Her arms wrapped around his neck with tears still streaming down her face.  Bill had called his mother to get Chelsea so that Hillary could rest and sleep for as long as she needed, hearing her son's voice crack over the phone made Virginia's heart drop.  She wasn't sure what to tell him and her heart broke for her daughter in law even though they didn't really get along, she knew how wonderful of a mother Hillary is and how heartbroken she must be to have lost the chance to show love to another child.  

Halfway up the stairs this weak small little voice was heard, "I'm so sorry honey."  Hearing his wife apologize for something he knew she had no control over just broke his heart.  "Baby you have nothing to be sorry for, do you hear me nothing."  She squeezed him even tighter.  He knew it, he knew she would blame herself for this and he found himself angry at God for what he was now putting this selfless woman through.  Bill laid her on the bed and helped her into her pajamas, she didn't want to let go of Bill and finally she drifted off to sleep.  Bill sat on the floor next to the bed just holding her hand as long as possible.  Watching her sleep brought him some relief but not much, he was so mad at God and the universe, "Why her?"  

He repeated over and over again in his head, why was she meant to suffer this terribly loss, this woman who has always given so much of herself so unselfishly to so many, who would move a mountain if she had too to help those less fortunate.  He stayed up all night watching his amazing wife sleep just hoping he could take all her pain away from her, and finally he couldn't take the anger in his body anymore.  Letting go of Hillary's hand he ran into the bathroom and shut the door and started to sob, Hillary was awakened by the echoed sobs coming from the bathroom and she approached the door and she could hear Bill.  "Why did you do this to her?"  "What has she ever done to you?"  She started crying again, as she swung the door open Bill looked up at her and reached out for her to join him on the bathroom floor.  Wrapped in his arms all he could say, "I'm sorry baby, I am so sorry I couldn't protect you and our baby." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Carol returned to the room, "Hillary, it's all ready."  She approached Hillary and put her hand on her shoulder again, Hillary let out a large sigh.  Carol nods and Hillary stands up and Carol opens the door Jeff is at the ready.  "Jeff, can I speak to you a moment in private?", Hillary trying hard not to alert the other agents attention.  "Of course ma'am."  He steps inside the doorway and Hillary whispers to him as Carol waits in the hallway as to not draw suspicion, Jeff leaves the doorway and moves the agents down the hall away from the room a bit.  Success!  Now comes the hard part.

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I really hope that I was able to bring across the pain both of them felt in this moment of pure loss.  I know that they had tried to have another baby and the only thing I have ever heard about it was what Hillary’s friend Betsey had said that they tried but it just wasn’t meant to be.  Hillary nor Bill have ever spoken further about it, so I assume (Purely my assumption.) that it’s too painful for them to discuss.  I know they had a hard time conceiving Chelsea, I read somewhere that it was such a stressful time for Hillary that Bill just had enough and took her away to Bermuda to just try and relax her... and well... it worked!

Thank you all so much for continuing to read the story and I am so appreciative of you all taking the time to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Part 6 will be posted tomorrow. =)

[hearshegoes-blog]

Do [No] Harm (part 5)

Their post I <3 U story continues...  

Read here or catch up on AO3

Molly, please!

He was dreaming. He knew this because somewhere, in the back of his mind, a voice kept repeating “I love you I love you I love you…“ Molly’s voice. But the image behind his eyelids was of an explosion, running on a concurrent loop. He’d fought against sleep for hours, but finally lost the battle shortly after leaving St. Bart’s.

Sherlock hated dreaming.

The sweet oblivion he received from shooting up was one he could rely on. The visions were phantasmagoric in the extreme, making even the most harrowing of them easy to ride, enjoy - or at least get lost in. When he was high, his subconscious created an animated short or a Buñuel for him to watch. Nothing was real enough for him to feel. He was just an observer even when he was the star.

By contrast, dreams took the very same data from his subconscious and ran it through the filter of raw emotion, his heart. Every frame, every word refracted through the prism of his fear, shame, sorrow. Love. In dreams, Sherlock was forced to participate in the narrative to the point of feeling pain.

And it frightened him.

“Sherlock?”

Molly wore the spectrum of Sherlock's emotions in those dreams. He was ashamed of his disregard for her, treatment he convinced himself was ultimately, selflessly, for her benefit. He couldn’t outrun the sadness he felt every time he used her flat, as a bolthole, and discovered telltale signs of another man’s presence. He feared he’d made a grievous mistake, hours ago, when he uttered that second I love you. He couldn’t take it back and it might’ve destroyed whatever this was between them, the long-established distance that felt closer to intimacy than anything he’d ever had with a woman.

And he loved her.

“Sherlock.”

She whispered his name in that way, the last hard consonants floating breathlessly from her mouth. Sherlohhhhck. He liked that most of all, when she said his name. Even when she was angry with him. Softer than even his best dressing gown. And he was going to tell her just that. Even if it was only in a dream. Reach out to her, hold her, tell her —

“Sherlock! Sherlock what are you doing? Wake up would you!” Molly shoved at him, her hand slipping past his shoulder and connecting squarely with his nose.

“OUCH!” Sherlock’s eyes flew open as his head bounced against the taxi’s back window. Instinctively, he felt for his nose, forgetting his stiff hands, the stitches, the raw cuts. “What’d you do that for?" The pain in his hands throbbed. "Owww!”

“You ok, Miss?” The taxi driver took his eyes of the road for a second at the commotion coming from his back seat.

“Is she okay?” Sherlock whined, “I’m the one being assaulted.” He rested his head back again and shut his eyes. “I’m seeing stars for god’s sake.”

Molly ignored him, “I’m fine Aarti. Thank you.”

“OK. You just let me know. I can pull over and dump him out if he gets fresh again, Miss.”

“Thank you. He’s mostly all mouth and no trousers.”

Sherlock turned and fixed Molly with one glittering eye. “One day, Miss Hooper, I shall prove you wrong.”

“I'd like to see you try it.” she countered, her words clipped and her face hard.

He knew when to leave well enough alone.

But he couldn't.

"I...I think you dislodged something," he sulked. "I think I need a doctor."

Molly kneeled up on the seat, hovering above his face and scowled. If Aarti could take a sharp corner right about now, he thought, this whole business would effectively be taken out of both their hands and placed squarely with more agreeable body parts.

“Move your hand,” she swatted at him, “let me see —“

“— Owww! Clearly a bedside manner isn't required in the morgue.”

She set her fingers roughly along the bridge of his nose, avoiding eye contact. After an abnormally thorough examination of the damage, she asked, “What were you doing anyway?”

“I was trying for a little sympathetic companionship,” he muttered, “Thanks for queering my pitch.”

“In the back of a cab?” Molly replied. She gave him one more - unnecessary - pinch before withdrawing her hands from his face. “You're fine. And you’ve been watching too much porn if you think you've got any chance of a backseat quickie.”

He wanted to tell her, wanted to explain to her about his dream. But he couldn't. She'd made it abundantly clear she wasn't interested in hearing more from him tonight.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them as the cab sped along at an annoyingly legal rate of speed. Sherlock focused his attention out the window and silently cursed Aarti’s cautions driving.

“This isn’t the way to Baker Street,” he harped. “Where are we going?”

The question was rhetorical. He knew full well. And he wasn't at all unhappy about it.

“Clapham,” she responded flatly.

Another several minutes passed before she spoke. “Why’d you let us get all the way to Baker Street without telling me about your flat?” Molly didn’t wait for his response, launching full throttle into her lecture, “Had to find out from the boys opening the shop that Mrs. Hudson’s camped out at Mrs. Turner’s until the reno’s finished! And John took Rosie home, for obvious reasons! What were you going to do, then? Huh? Just crawl back up to your flat and sleep amongst the debris? Honestly, Sherlock, you have no concept —”

“— Well gee whizz Miss Hooper,” he turned toward her and drawled, mocking her irritation in his American cowboy accent, “I had a might bit more on my mind but you rest assured, the next time I find out I have a sister, watch three - no four! - men die and nearly loose my best friend, my brother and the woman I love I’ll be right sure to inform you of flat upgrades first. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

He'd said too much.

Bloody hell, this night! He didn’t mean to sound petulant. He meant to right his wrong. The dull ache in his chest returned, as did the desire to reach out for her. Instead, he folded his arms across his chest and turned back toward the window. Molly annoyed him during the regular course of their friendship. She saw too much. Of him. It was unnerving.

If this was love, he couldn’t understand why John and she rushed, head-long, into it so often. The data made no sense.

Sherlock concentrated on the brightening sky as they crossed the Chelsea Bridge. London was waking up to a light drizzle as he was going to sleep in a thunderstorm.

“I’m taking you home,” Molly spoke softly, after a time, as if she didn’t want to disturb him.”It’s too crowded for you to stay at the neighbor's with Mrs. Hudson.”

“Yes," he drawled and looked squarely at her. The corner of his mouth kicked up, "I have it on good authority that Mrs. Turner’s got several married…flat mates.”

“And Mrs. Hudson is a former exotic dancer with an Aston Martin and a boarder with a penchant for playing pirate.” She didn't fully commit to her smile. Instead, she leaned forward to address the cabbie. “Aarti, I’d like to introduce you to the great Sherlock Holmes, the world’s only consulting detective and sometimes pirate,” she turned back and he was grateful for the light tone in her voice. “You were barely awake, Sherlock, when Aarti helped load you into the cab —“

“— Damsel in distress is sounding alarmingly more accurate,” he grunted, remembering her admonishment from earlier at Bart's, but couldn't keep his smirk from widened into a full grin.

“Left turn just here, Aarti, then up on the right. Thank you.”

“Yep. You got it. Miss.” The cab pulled in front of a neat, terraced Georgian. As they exited, Aarti leaned out the window and motioned back in Sherlock’s direction, “You gonna be ok with him, Miss?”

Sherlock let out an exasperated sigh, slamming the cab door behind him harder than necessary. “Need I remind you that it was ME who was assaulted by HER?”

Aarti ignored his griping and raised a brow at Molly.

“You mean the damsel in pirate’s clothing?” She nodded toward Sherlock, “He doth protest too much. He’ll be back to his old self after a good kip.”

Entwining her arm though his, she lead the way up the walk. Sherlock felt an unfamiliar flutter in his stomach as they reached the door. Apprehension? Anticipation? Odd. He’d been in Molly’s flat countless times before, although rarely with her there. He made it a point to use it as a bolthole only when he knew her to be working or on holiday. When he could be alone amongst her things. Sherlock wasn’t quite sure why it was important that she not be around… only that he felt more comfortable about sleeping in her bed, using her bath linens, when he knew she wouldn’t be there.

She looked up at him with an almost smile again. As knackered as he was, he could think of nothing beyond coaxing a full grin from her. What would it be like if he stopped right here, at her door, and kissed her? Not on the cheek as he’d done numerous times before. Those chaste pecks were delivered quickly, efficiently, in an effort to pry himself loose, to save himself from drowning and pulling her down with him. He was an addict always in search of the next fix.

She deserves better.

But Christ if Sherlock didn’t want to hear her gasp in surprise as he pulled her to him, feel her relax against his body and tell her…tell her he was sorry. And not just for the last twelve hours.

Tell her he loved her.

As if she’d heard his thoughts, Molly stepped behind him and gave him a gentle push through the door. “Go. Up. A kip, a good kick in the arse and - for better or for worse - you’ll be yourself again.”

He wasn't sure that was the most advantageous of outcomes.

—

Sherlock knew Molly’s flat almost as well as he knew Baker Street. He’d been surprised by the tidy modernity of it - crisp white and warm charcoal gray softened by touches of violet and smoke blue. And charmed by her collection of rocks, lined atop the mantle, and shadowboxes of taxidermy insects lining the hallway.

Miss Hooper was practical, sentimental, and a woman with her own means.

And undressing on the other side of her bedroom door.

The window for taking subsequent actions based upon that data had closed. Probably for the better. For their friendship. He needed to erase the image of Molly kicking off her trousers, walking around in her plain cotton knickers.

She had eleven pairs of white, four pink and one incredibly suggestive black lace pair shoved in the back of her chest of drawers.

He knew every inch of her flat.

He rushed to occupy his mind. And his hands. He shouted louder than needed in her direction, “Shall I make us some tea?"

Molly mumbled from behind the door but didn’t come out.

“Right, then,” he sighed and went to put the kettle on.

In the kitchen.

The dull light of rainy London did nothing to soften the blow of being in her kitchen. By reflex, he looked up at the far corner, to where a camera offered him full view of her face just hours earlier. The entire set-up had since been disconnected back at Sherrinford. Greg arranged for the units themselves to be removed in the morning.

It was morning, Sherlock reminding himself.

“Mourning, more accurately,” he murmured.

“What’s that?”

Molly reappeared, barefoot and sporting a plain long-sleeved t-shirt atop a pair of floral pajama bottoms. Her face was scrubbed and her hair was loose.

And he was never so grateful for a counter between them.

“I was…a…,” he fumbled, the blood completely draining from his brain. “Em...Hmmm?”

“Sherlock. It’s 7:15 in the morning. We both need sleep.” Molly pointed back down the hallway from where she'd just emerged. “No tea," she ordered, “Bed. Now.”

"That's awfully presumptuous of you, Miss Hooper," he deadpanned, hoping to infuse a bit of levity into the situation and give himself a moment to... collect parts of his anatomy that were responding quite robustly to her unintended suggestion.  

He was in no position to walk the short distance without drawing her suspicion. Nor was he in any position to entertain such thoughts. At least not consciously.

At least not now. 

Not after what you did to her.

“Molly,” he started, paused, spread his hands on the counter. They’d been in this position before, earlier this evening. And she’d been a rational adult throughout. In the past, when they'd sparred, she’d yell ferociously or cut him with a much-deserved remark. Or slapped him.

This time, she took great pains not to hurt him. He watched her anger bloom, back at Bart’s and in the taxi, expected her to rail against him. Welcomed the punishment. Instead, she informed him that she wasn’t discussing the three words wedged between them. Not until they were both thinking and speaking rationally.

That’s when it struck him: Molly was well and truly upset with him.

Not upset.

Hurt.

Tonight had hurt her.

He'd hurt her. Again.

“You’re right. Tea would be a bad idea now,” he hesitated, wanting to stay in the kitchen with her, to somehow cleanse it of the damage done. “I’ll just go clean up. Thank you, Molly Hooper, for letting me stay here...tonight.”

“Today. Sherlock. It’s already today.”

[ruined-by-destiel]

First Impressions and Second Chances (part 8)

Summary: He never thought he’d get a second chance with you. Life didn’t work like that and it wasn’t something he’d been counting on. But now, being here with you at his side, he felt like he couldn’t thank the universe enough. He wasn’t going to screw it up this time.

Words: 1,202

Misha x Reader

Warnings: none

Notes: Let me know in the comments what you thought about this part! Hope you guys are still enjoying it :)

Go to my submissions to be added to my taglist!

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You were pressed up against the door the moment you were both inside again, kissing each other passionately. Misha lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist, your hands on either side of his face, tangled in his hair. You broke apart briefly for air, both of you panting from lack of air, and you stared at his kiss swollen lips as you thought about what you were about to say.

“Misha…”

He cut you off with another kiss, more than happy to silence you. You smiled and pulled away again, trying once more to speak.

“Hey, we need to talk about this.”

“Why talk when we can just do?” Misha began to kiss down your jaw and to your neck but you pushed him away.

“Misha, wait.”

With a sigh he finally pulled back, setting you down on the ground. “What?”

“We need to talk about what this means. Us being together, or, whatever.”

He brushed a stray hair from your face and smiled. “It means that we get to be happy, and most importantly, together.” He placed a light kiss on your lips. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

You nodded. “Well, yeah, but-” you shook your head. “Is it going to work? I mean, you’re only here for two more days before you have to leave again, and I can’t just quit my job and leave.” You could feel tears starting to well up. “And I still need to make sense of this, of want I’m feeling, it’s just a lot to take in right now and-”

You were cut off by Misha cupping his hands around your face. “Hey, hey. It’s ok. It’s going to be fine.” He pressed his forehead against yours, speaking softly. “I know it’s a lot, and I know there’s still a lot that needs to be discussed. But right now you need to sleep. You’re tired, you’re stressed, and it’s not going to do any good to talk about it now. Ok?” You nodded, a tear slipping from your eye and down your cheek. Misha brushed it away with his thumb. “Come on. Let’s get you in bed.”

You took his hand a held it tight as you walked back to your room, taking off your sweatpants and pulling back the covers. Right before you got in you turned back to Misha, not wanting him to leave just yet. “Will you, will you stay? Just for a while.”

He nodded with a smile, shedding his clothes until he was in his boxers and undershirt, and slipped in bed next to you. He pulled you closer until your back was pressed up against his chest. You could already feel yourself drifting off, the events of the day finally catching up to you.

In a sleepy haze, you vaguely made out the words Misha was saying as he played with your hair. You hummed in response and he laughed, pressing a kiss to your shoulder with a soft “I love you,” and you were out like a light.

You woke up to movement at your side, and you blinked at the rays of sunshine creeping through your blinds. You sleepily turned to face the other side of your room and saw Misha getting dressed. His hair was all mussed from sleep and you smiled, wanting to reach over and smooth it all out for him.

When he was done putting on his shoes he stood up straight and noticed that you were awake. A smile came across his face. He spoke softly to you.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No, it’s ok. What time is it?” You craned your neck to try and read the the clock on your bedside table.

“It’s just past 7. I need to get back and get ready for today.” He sat down on the bed and reached to brush the hair out of your face. “I’ll see you later?”

“Mhmm.” Your eyes drifted shut at his touch and you suddenly couldn’t form coherent words.

Misha chuckled, leaning over and kissing you on the forehead. “Alright, text me when you get there.” And with that, he left the room.

You fell back asleep even before you heard the front door close.

You woke up a few hours later, feeling refreshed after sleeping in much later than usual. You got out of bed and washed your face before grabbing your phone and heading towards the kitchen for some breakfast.

After getting the coffee started you sat at the table, munching on some toast as you read your messages. One was from your boss, congratulating you on writing another great article, and one from your mom, asking how your weekend was going. You laughed to yourself. If only she knew…

Your last message was from Misha, sent about an hour before.

“My schedule isn’t as busy today so I have some extra time for lunch. Meet me around noon? Let me know.”

You got up and poured yourself some coffee, tentatively sipping as you responded.

“Tell me the place and I’ll be there ;)”

You were walking back to your room when your phone rang. You answered it as you sat down on your bed. “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

You smiled at the sound of Misha’s voice. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I had two seconds so I thought I’d give you a call.”

“How thoughtful.” You smirked and took another sip of your coffee. “So lunch?”

“Yeah, do you remember that place we used to go all the time? The sandwich place downtown-”

“On the corner of Washington and Elm, yeah I remember.” A smile grew on your face as the memories came flooding back.

“How does that sound?”

“Amazing. I haven’t been there in forever.” You didn’t find a lot of time to go out and eat; most of the time you weren’t working you either ordered in or made something yourself. It had been forever since you’d eaten out. “I can’t wait.”

You could practically see the grin plastered on Misha’s face when he spoke again. “Me neither. Hey, I have to get back now but I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

“See ya.” You hung up and set your phone down next to you, watching your coffee swirl in the mug. You felt kind of bad, not saying it back to him. But you still couldn’t bring yourself to say it.

It’s not that you didn’t want to- you really did. But love… love is a strong word. You didn’t want to go throwing it around when you still didn’t know what the future held for you and Misha. Of course you wanted to be with him, it’s what you’d always dreamt of. But your lives were running on a completely different track now. And you couldn’t expect him to just drop everything and come running back to you, nor could he think that of you.

You put down your mug and brought your legs up close, hugging your knees and resting your chin on top. You needed to get your priorities straight. What did you want, really want?

“I want to be with him,” you thought out loud. If only it was that simple...

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[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW11

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week.

PLUS ALON ON WILDCARDDDDDDddddddd!@!!!!!

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Jonny Castro Otto, and rolling a transfer as usual

IN: :bulbasaur: :baulbasaur: :bulby: :balbuena:

Riperino Castroino. You've been a good lieutenant for me and mine but it's time to say goodbye. Doubling down with him and Doherty was an ill fated experiment and it's time to sort it. I took a bit of time to investigate between BHA WHU and NEW defenses and landed on the leaf pokemon. Fixtures look good and their underlying defensive stats have been tidy. Let's go

GK:

Alisson Beckz still in there for the good guys. Tricky fixture on paper but Livp defense if Livp defense. Pretty fine.

DEF:

Trenty goes again. Still not too sure about this guy in my team but he's gotten me two points over the three weeks I've had him so hard to argue with that.

Mendy in with a home banker ho hum.

Dockerty Doherty in with a home banker ho hum.

New friend and pokemon Fabian Balbuena will try to vine whip his way into my heart and by solar beam his way into my heart I mean Burnley to score a 88th minute goal off a broken set piece from Benjamin Mee to send me into the darkest of depths.

MID:

Mo goes. Nothing to see here.

With Kevin ded Dilv is looking a lot better in his efforts to maintain insane underlying stats and horrendous FPL point returns. Best three points I'll ever see, taste, feel, hear, smell in my life thanks Dilv love you bro.

Haz for a half is better than anything else I could have going so whatever in fuck goddamn glhf Haz.

Frayzuh I'll hold for this weekend. Not sure if I'll stand by him for the near term but will stick on him for the weekend. United defense been looking better as of late but still could be goals in this game so we'll see.

FWD:

Genius transfer last week Dings drops to the bench and it's the old amigos Kun and Arnie going again for me this weekend.

Hopefully Arnie can walk/limp around for 85 minutes and expend energy for 5 critical minutes leading to goals/assists/points. Kun...well....just hoping he makes it to the 60' mark. Vomit.

BENCH:

Ings / Billing / Wan

CAP:

Mo. Really not much thought in it this week. Kun a non-option due to minutes...Haz a non-option due to minutes....Mo always an option due to pharaoh status and arsecast lol defense status. Seems good.

ALON

TRANSFERS:

WILDCARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

OUT: everyone

IN: everyone else

I’m not sure the best way to write wildcard lambs as it’s such a fuck... I’ve made a trillion transfers this week so yeah, I duno, I’m not gonna account for all the moves and all that shit. I’ll just do lambs like normal and go through my starting 11 and then for the bench section instead of just listing the dudes I’ll write a little on them too.

Also this isn’t final final final who knows what deep darkness lays wake for me this evening...... Truth is I haven’t even transferred in half of these players yet because I need the last round of price changes to go through first. Can’t wait.

GK:

Flappy bird Lukaszszszzzszs Fabianski comes straight in.

We talked about Fab v. Ryan on the pod and I’m backing the pod here with our evaluation of West Ham v. Brighton and the loooong term outstanding fixtures for West Ham. One bad fixture in the next 11 GWs is goooooooooood.

Flappy’s a monster on bones, I think and hope, he can keep up with the big boys in this stretch run. After all, GKs score the least amount of points.

DEF:

Double City defense with Mendy and my favorite French wine Laporte... Mendy I believe is very self-explanatory legend genius fuck -- did you know on the season Mendy is third highest (Kun then Raz #1 and #2 respectively) fantasy goal involvement percentage for City when he’s on the pitch... Absolutely ridiculous human... And Laporte what more can be said - he’s an immense and fantastic player. I was about ten months too early when I brought Laporte in last season, and now the world is ready for him. He’s casually just played 90 minutes in every prem match this season like a fucking boss. Get all the way in there you classy lefty fuck.

A share in Liverpool’s defense also felt somewhat required and I’m abandoning Robbo for VVD in this moment... Robbo still 100% fantastic pick and nailed and first choice and whatever else you wanna say about the best LB in the prem BUT -- with the very busy fixture period breathing down our necks I feel that VVD playing 90′ every single week will outscore Robbo’s attacking returns -- assuming Robbo has to get rested a couple times in the next month and a half. I think that that makes sense so let’s roll with it. VVDue away at the Emirates not an easy clean but all matches are cleanable for this Liverpool team -- get in there.

Alonso the fourth and final pillar in my Rolls Royce defense... If you missed last pod I had the epiphany that Zo is basically as set-and-forget as they come and transferring him out just because he’s stupidly high-priced for his position is over-thinking it. He’s on pace for his normal 160-180 point season and is just a very very good long-term / season-long hold type guy... if he were a mid he’d cost ~8.5m or 9m with his points tallys. It’s silly with this dude, sometimes just don’t overthink it. Bank the points and call me in the morning.

MID:

4-4-2 formation feels the right amount of forwards and the right amount of value to me. So here we are.

Mo has been in since preseason and continues to be in. He’s just the best simple as that no further questions.

Hazard despite being somewhat knocked and probably playing reduced minutes this weekend still is in my WC side... The fact of the matter is I barely have any choice in this issue. I want him, I still feel when he’s fit (probably a week away) that I’ll sorta need him, and wildcard’s the time to get a 11+ million player in as it’s much more difficult on just frees... Haz is fantastic and a long-term hold so having one whatever GW isn’t a big deal to me.

The next two are my little sexpots. They’re dessert.

Tony M Martial is a sexy guy there’s no doubt about that. He’s dribbling classy fucker who’s on fire at the moment... this spot feels a little tentative for me because I have my worries -- United suck, Mou is a nightmare, Martial is SUPER hot right now but underlying stats are shit -- But at the same time he’s donging for fun and getting in great positions and looking great. And I trust my pod partner.. I’ll probably stick here as Tony seems *obviously* better then the guys he’s competing with -- Siggy / Willian / Maddo / Rich / Pereyra type guys -- but I’m not sure and I need to sit on it longer.

The other punty mad scientist legend in right now is none other then Riyad Mahrez... from where I’m sitting the KdB injury makes City’s first choice central-midfield Dinho / Dilva / Bilva and City’s first choice front line from left-to-right Raz / Kun / Mahrez... That’s what I’m seeing and that’s what I’m believing... Raz looks fabulous on the left and he can cut in on his right there, Mahrez was born and was bought to play RW/RF and cut in and take lots of shots and score goals and he’s flying in that role... Three 90 minute appearances on the bounce, full of form and confidence with the back to back double-digit hauls... It feels a risk worth taking to me with his extraordinarily high upside/ceiling... There will be rotation for sure but I feel good that he’ll mostly be in eleven. Fingers crossed.

FWD:

The two up top are funny.

Callum is in there. Form, eye-test, numbers, he has it all so far this season. King still injured also keeps him on pens... At least for the next few GWs I don’t even mind Bournemouth’s fixtures much so for me right now, this one was easy.

Glenner is number two forward going for me. After all this time, I’m back on Glenner... He’s just doing exactly what he always does -- score goals. He does it for a fucking living and has not slowed at all. Finding little space and getting shots off and dinking and donging and taking pens, Glenner is a Glenner merchant. He’s Harry Kane at 6 million cheaper... seems good... His stats are often abysmal, but usually against mid-to-bad sides his stats uptick and he takes more shots. Looking ahead to Brighton’s schedule for the next sixish GWs -- a lot of sides to rack up shots against. Get in there Glenner.

BENCH:

Bench slot one: Ruben Neves... Have happily shitted on Neves since GW1 bandwagon but here I am bringing him in as purely a bench guy and for me, for a bench guy, he ticks every box known to man... I wanted a stronger then usual bench dude (normally I’d just go for like Stephens here cheap/nailed) and Neves has legitimate double-digit haul upside against any team in the league by nature of being on pens and being on direct free-kicks (and really good at them). He plays 90 minutes every week, good on bones, good team (lotta 3 pointers in there because of Wolves cleans), and he shoots a ton... His shots are low as fuck xG of the Paul variety but for 5.0 getting someone who can shoot upwards of 6 times a match gives him a nice - like I said - high ceiling for an autosub guy. I like it. I’m into it. Get in there. Treat me.

Bench slot two: Isaac Success... potential 4.5 starter at forward need I say more? He’s good and even if he’s dropped once Deeney is fit he’ll always be Watford’s first attacker off of the bench with a chance for some points. He’s a good guy.

Bench slot three: Ryan Bennett of Wolves... He’s started and played 90′ every week this season, Wolves defense is good, he’s 4.2m, it’s a simple good pick... Autosubs have been outta control this season so let’s go get it. Wolves have some bad fixtures coming up but Benny is very startable in the good ones. Just good depth. Get in there.

CAP:

On big Mo.

Fantastic player, fantastic form, pretty good fixture. Ok I’m into it.

My one slight fear is that Arsenal go into turtle bus mode like they did second half vs. Chelsea out of pure fear of getting fucked sideways... But maybe Arsecast being at home makes this less likely? We’ll see. Either way - Mo’s a great horse to back in this moment and Arsenal’s defenders are completely horrendous.

Get in Mo.

[erinelezabeth920]

Epilogue: Galapagos

Ha, thought you were done with me eh? In the spirit of epilogues, I’ll try to be brief, but hey it’s unlikely. This blog was really just an exercise in trying to document a crazy fast, once in a lifetime experience that could slip by in the blink of an eye. Tears in the rain, via Roy Batty via Blade Runner. The writing wasn’t stellar. There were typos and shitty internet. But hey. I did it. It’s there and that can never go away. And it really helped me to imagine (even if it was only imaginary) that there were people on the other side. So if you’ve made it this far, really. Really. Thank you.

***

I got picked up from Monica’s at 5:30 am. Chelsea, Mayra and I rode to the airport. After paying the Galapagos visa fee and some booking kerfuffles, I got on the flight first to Guayaquil, then Isla Baltra. Landing on the island was cool; windswept with cacti, surrounded by water. I had an issue paying the 100$ Parque entrance fee, as I didn’t know it couldn’t be card and the airport ATM was out of cash. The airport folks held on to my passport, saying to pick it up in the town when I had my money. Seemed questionable but what can you do.

I took a bus, boat and another bus from the airport to a crossing to another island, and down a windy road on that island to a town. We passed farms and mostly empty green space. Luckily the bus dropped me off right in front of my hostel. Cool.

The town was neat. A mix of locals and tourists with markets and ceviche places. I took a nap, found some ceviche, walked to the docks and watched a movie. I was dead tired. The next morning I rented a bike, went to the Darwin Research center, and tracked down my passport. I had dinner with my friend Jenna from the program who was also traveling.

The day after I slept late again, picked up my laundry and biked/ walked to a beach. I met Mayra and Chelsea there. We sat for a bit staring at the waves and discussing the program. We met later that night for dinner and ended up at the only bar in town chatting up locals. They reminded me of my friends from Orcas Island. When in Galapagos?

The next day I shelled out some of my dwindling money for a snorkeling trip. The seas were rough and it was cold, but we saw seals, sharks, fish, rays and the most beautiful sea turtles. The folks on the trip were funny too. Two german girls who were very sick convinced the recent college grad from UCLA to tell stories about his past 10 months in Ecuador the whole time as a distraction. Surprisingly it worked.

I grabbed dinner with Mayra and Chelsea again, but was too tired to stay out. I met them for lunch the next day, where they had talked up the waiter and were getting free drinks. #blondeprivelage

After that I caught a boat from the dock to another island, Isabella. I had left the majority of my stuff at the hostel as I’d be returning in three nights. The ride was bumpy, two hours long and terrible. I had to pay a 10$ “docking fee”, whatever that is.

I spent three nights on Isla Isabella. It was beautiful but kind of a tough time as I didn’t bring enough cash. As a result I was hungry a lot and kind of lonely, a little over traveling. Which is a crazy feeling to have in the Galapagos but travel is not all sexy photos and cool stuff, regardless where you are. I’d argue islands make you more lonely. Andy and Emily were off backpacking the Enchantments, one of the most beautiful places in Washington, and Andy was heading to a wedding on a lovely island outside of Seattle after. I was homesick and spent a lot of time waiting for instagram stories to load on the low quality internet.

There were highlights though. A hike to a volcanic crater where the guide (in Spanish) told us about growing up on the island, how the culture was changing with more tourism (white specifically) and less Spanish. I didn’t understand everything, but enough to figure out he conveniently left that part out to the English speaking Canadian contingency of the tour.

Another fun part was that my friends Jenna and Audrey from the program were around. We’d get dinner and talk about our days, other travels and all the things. I said bye to them Friday night. Mayra and Chelsea had left the day before from another island, so it was just me.

Another day I went kayaking and snorkeling. There was a beautiful German man paddling in a double with me who I was better than. My two German friends from the snorkeling trip were also there, looking much less sick. It was a blast. We saw penguins on the rocks, seals, a sharks and a turtle. I loved just sliding off the kayak right into the water. After that, I walked the length of the beach to the end, where a gravel road travelled up into some mangroves. At the end of the road was a cool rock wall waterfall thing but it was a ways and getting dark, so I climbed up a lookout instead. It was beautiful.

The next day I left Isabella at 3pm. I saw my German friends on the beach who were taking surf lessons and invited me, but I didn’t have the money. My phone charger and watch had also both died that day, and I kept having to ask strangers what time it was.

The ride back was 100x better, probably because of the sea sickness pill Jenna had given me. I checked back into the hostel, grabbed my things, and got some food. Seafood pasta which wasn’t that good. Should’ve gotten the ceviche and michelada, the always wise words of Erin forever in my head. Push that comfort zone.

The night was pretty. I said bye to the salt air and the ice cream and the seals sleeping on the bench, but I was tired and running out of money and pretty ready to go. The next morning I misunderstood the timing for the bus and had to take a 25$ taxi to the dock. It ended up being ok though because the driver was really nice, told me about living on a farm on the island and how he hates the rain (it was raining). Plus, on the side of the road, just munching on some leaves, I finally saw a tortoise in the wild.

So began my 24 hour journey from Galapagos to Boston with a taxi, boat, bus, plane, plane, plane, plane. There was another docking fee for the airport and I was so fed up with upcharges by that point, I only had 4$ cash and made them take it.

I saw my German friends at the airport again. Funny how traveling does that. Back in Quito I ate onion rings and a milkshake which made my stomach hurt, but my American self couldn’t resist. In Miami, I kept speaking Spanish because why not, until the baggage claim had issues and I thought I’d miss my flight to Boston through customs. I would’ve had an actual meltdown. I had very little left at that point. Luckily it was fixed and I got to the gate just in time, arriving in Boston at 10am. After confusing texts, because Boston is always confusing, I met Andy at the baggage claim. We went straight to Dunkin Donuts, as I’d barely eaten since Quito,and sat on a bench outside the airport in the hot muggy air, waiting for our Air Bnb to open up before we took the train into the city. I watched the Red Sox and Patriots hats go by, and held my iced coffee like a diamond. I talked and talked and talked, finally in person without the internet delay. And Andy smiled and listened and commented supportively. And occasionally hugged me to remember I was real, and we were happy.

We spent the next week with family and friends in Boston and Rockport Mass, and I was happy floating with comfort, family, good food, someone to sleep next to. I saw old friends in Boston, and a Seattle friend moving to Norway. My stomach didn’t hurt and my brother and his girlfriend came up from New York. We went sailing, drank wine with my aunts and uncles, did puzzles and played Euchre, ate lobster and it was maybe the happiest week of my life. Nothing like leaving to make you appreciate the things you love most.

Then, 5 days later we dropped off Colin, Lian and Andy at the airport and bus station in Boston in a rainstorm. My dad and dog and I drove back to Rochester. That’s where some of the post travel depression set in. In reverse culture shock phases there’s the honeymoon followed by the lull, the reaclimation. I didn’t sleep well, slept late in the mornings. I visited grandparents in nursing homes which is always hard when you never know which time is the last goodbye. Plus I think, regardless of travel or not, childhood homes as an adult are always hard, a strange mix of feelings.

On the plus side I had fresh peaches, good Italian food and cut all my hair off. I hung out with my parents, driving around looking at smaller houses they should move in to, knowing they’re happy where they are. The last night I went with my dad to race our sailboat on Lake Ontario. There was strong wind and I sat in the front, watching the sun set. We got first place, the same boat my grandparents raced 30 years before. I dove into the water and let it rock me, the original water as I spent the first two years of my life in a little house on Lake Ontario, carried in the waves in my mother’s arms before I could walk.

The sun set. The crescent moon rose. The crickets chirped. That heavy almost midwestern summer night. The men sat on the porch and talked about the race. I drank a Molson Canadian and flipped the sausages. I was flying out to Seattle in the morning. I took a breath and looked around, letting it seep in. This was home, deep and rooted as the heart on the sail of our boat. We can travel the world in wide circles, as far as we want but those strings, invisible strings will always ground us and root us to the earth, a small piece in the puzzle, branch of the tree of our family, ancestors and the bodily feel alignment, relaxing into your deepest, original self.

Until next time my friends.

Always in adventure,

Erin

[zeroviraluniverse-blog]

How Liverpool tried -- and failed -- to sign Pique, Ronaldo and Terry

Visit Now - https://zeroviral.com/how-liverpool-tried-and-failed-to-sign-pique-ronaldo-and-terry/

How Liverpool tried -- and failed -- to sign Pique, Ronaldo and Terry

While Sir Alex Ferguson ultimately achieved his aim of aim of “knocking Liverpool right off their f—ing perch,” there was a period spanning over two years where his Manchester United team could not beat Gerard Houllier’s Liverpool.

Between December 2000 to January 2002, Liverpool won all five of their games against their arch rivals. During a recent conversation with old foe Gary Neville, former Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher suggested the Reds had found a successful way of playing against United — thanks, in part, to a Liverpool scout’s history with Ferguson.

The scout Carragher was referring to was Alex Miller. Miller, who spent nearly a decade at Liverpool in many roles, was a teammate of Ferguson’s at Rangers for a short period, but their relationship continued as the Scottish pair moved into management.

“Alex and I would speak regularly when I was in Scotland,” Miller told ESPN FC. “I would get a phone call on a Friday night when he was Aberdeen manager. Me and Alex have no problem. To be fair, Alex helped me get my first job at St. Mirren. It was him who recommended me.”

Miller joined Liverpool in 1999 following a nine-month pursuit from Houllier. Initially reluctant to take a role that did not involve day-to-day coaching, Miller was given the loose title of director of scouting.

His first role at the Merseyside club was focused mainly on closely studying upcoming opponents before disclosing his observations to Houllier and the Frenchman’s coaching staff. The Scot would then cut and present a 12 to 15-minute video of the opposition to the team during a meeting at Melwood, as well as having the license to speak to any player individually in private.

To prepare for matches with United in particular, Liverpool’s coaching staff would relay the importance of outnumbering United’s players.

Alex Miller Nick Potts – PA Images/PA Images via Getty Images

“It started with his [Ferguson’s] Aberdeen team,” Miller said. “Now they all speak about playing between the lines and coaches try to get people in between the lines. Alex had his team between the lines all the way back then.

“He had a 4-4-2 set up. What he tries to do is get so many between the lines that it’s so difficult for you as a team to combat that because if you draw a line across a page, there’s maybe six lines.

“His back four, two central defenders sort of split — not wide like they do now, but they split a wee bit. The two full-backs pushed on maybe 10, 15 metres. Their two central midfield players split. One would come to the ball — Roy Keane — and one would go in an advanced position — Paul Scholes.

“Their two wide players — [David] Beckham and [Ryan] Giggs — would then be in another line. You’ve got one holding midfield player, one advanced midfield player, you’ve got Beckham and Giggs in between these two. The two strikers always played one and one.

“What we did to combat that was we tried to get three versus two all the time. We had sort of a 4-1-3-1-1 formation — one man off a striker.

“One striker picked up the area of their withdrawn midfield player. Whatever side of the pitch the ball was on, we would have a full-back, a midfield player and one of the front players to get over to the side if it went to the side. They had a full-back and a wide player, so we had three versus two. If it went the opposite side, we had three versus two.

“We always had to have three versus two. That’s 18 years ago, even more, and no team was getting in between the lines at that sort of stage. That’s why it was so difficult to sort of combat them.”

Around a year into his time at Liverpool, Miller took on further responsibility when scouting potential transfer targets was added to his brief. In that department, too, he found himself in direct competition with Man United.

“I looked at Gerard Pique and I tried to get him,” Miller revealed. “The Spanish delegation he was with at a youth tournament, I think it was his grandfather who was the delegate for the Spanish federation. Well he wouldn’t give me permission because I think Man United were already in at that point.

“I brought Cristiano Ronaldo [suggested to Liverpool as a signing]. That’s water under the bridge, [but] I recommended him and saw him at a youth tournament.

“Diego Forlan, I turned him down before United even got to him. At the final hour when United were going to sign him, Gerard Houllier asked me whether I was sure. I was positive he would be more suited to Spain or Italy.”

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Liverpool defender Dejan Lovren believes the Reds are playing well enough to go all the way to the Champions League final.

Forlan did struggle to adapt to the English game, scoring just 10 goals in 63 Premier League appearances for United between 2002 and 2004. That said, Forlan went down in United folklore for his goal-scoring exploits against Liverpool — scoring twice at Anfield in a 2-1 away win.

Any transfers from Liverpool to United or vice versa were simply off the table. Gabriel Heinze’s desired move from Old Trafford to Anfield in 2007 was blocked by Ferguson, who did not want to sell to an arch rival, with a Premier League arbitration panel later ruling that United did not have to sell the left-back to Liverpool.

In fact, the last transfer between the two clubs was back in 1964 when Phil Chisnall moved to Liverpool.

“He would never let them go,” Miller said. “It was real red-hot stuff. It really was. They always had to beat Liverpool and we always had to beat United. When we started to get a hold of them as you say, then things changed slightly.”

The increase in hostility was similar, Miller believes, to that of Rafael Benitez and Jose Mourinho’s when the competition between Liverpool and Chelsea was at its fiercest both domestically and in Europe.

“He [Mourinho] was nice as night to us when we first met him, but when we started to beat Chelsea, he changed,” Miller said. “He wasn’t so open and talkative. He would say hello and all that, but it wasn’t as if he was your best friend.”

Incidentally, during his scouting missions, Miller had previously looked at two players who would go on to become Chelsea stalwarts during the Benitez-Mourinho rivalry.

“I tried to get John Terry to come,” the Scot said. “It was 2003 when Chelsea beat Liverpool for the last place in the Champions League.

“It went to the final day and they beat us at Stamford Bridge. After the game I went to speak to John Terry to try and get him. How I did it was, I went up to him in the corridor and asked him for his autograph. He said yes. As he was signing it I said: ‘Could you put your mobile phone number? Gerard Houllier would like to talk to you.’

“He put his agent’s number and said to talk to him. Gerard Houllier spoke to his agent on the bus. I think he just used us to get more money out of Chelsea. I also had Petr Cech, but at that moment in time we were trying to sign Chris Kirkland. I went to a game to watch Milan Baros and Petr Cech was making his debut.

“I then went to Argentina, I think it was in 2001, the Under-20 World Cup. You could have got him for a song. He was with Chmel Blsany and then he moved to Sparta Prague and then he moved to France [to Rennes].”

Those players were two of thousands that Miller had observed all across the world as part of his work at Liverpool. His frequent travels around the globe earned him Gold reward cards for nearly every major airline.

Chuckling while recalling this particular anecdote resulting from his travels to Argentina to look at players such as Pablo Aimar and Walter Samuel, Miller said: “I bought my wife a leather jacket in Argentina. I came back and thought it would fit her, but it was far too big for her. I went back three weeks later and changed it in the shop again and got her a smaller one!

“I would sometimes fly to Argentina on a Friday night. I would maybe get there 9.30 a.m. on a Saturday. I would watch six top-level games on Saturday and Sunday. When we played Roma, I followed Roma in January and we played them in February. I followed Roma seven Sundays in a row. I’d go out on the Sunday and come back on the Sunday night.”

Alex Miller Getty Images

Miller’s role would, ultimately, change when Houllier was dismissed at the end of the 2003-04. While Benitez replaced Houllier and brought in his own staff, Miller stayed on Merseyside became a first-team coach following recommendations from a number of senior players within the Liverpool dressing room.

“Gerard was disappointed in me for not leaving when he left. But at the end of day, they got payoffs. I didn’t get a payoff and I needed a job,” he said. “I was on holiday in America when Rafa told me to come back. I came back and he just asked me what my role was. He put 4-4-2 up on the board and asked me how I would play against them.

“I wasn’t intimidated by him because I knew I was good tactically. I said: ‘Well you can’t just say that,’ which threw him a wee bit. I said: ‘Is my team as good as yours? Are my players as good as your players? Are my players as quick as your players? OK, I’m going to do this because you’re going to have a problem there.’

“This to-and-froed. The only difference we had was the defending of the game with the strikers.”

Miller delivered the prematch videos to the squad during the season in which Liverpool won the Champions League in 2005. He stayed alongside Benitez for another three seasons before the chance to financially secure his family’s future arrived when Japanese side JEF United Chiba offered him the manager’s job in May 2008.

“It’s a fantastic club, Liverpool,” Miller concluded. “In the end, it wasn’t the same club that I joined. You had two people on the gate at the training ground and they decided to relieve one of their duties to cut costs. The guys are getting paid about £150 a week. The guy had been there 25 years. What was that about?

“I was 59 at the time and money had never been a motivator. But I’d seen a few changes at Liverpool and I went: ‘They’ll just put you out of the door, just the same as the rest.’ I just thought that I’d look after my family.”

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 2

“Tonight on The Bachelor...” skip skip skip once is enough “...it's all coming up tonight on The Bachelor.”

EXTERIOR, PEREGRINE FALCON: Why?

We hear the famous red-tailed hawk scream that lazy foley people have used for decades. Ari's in the scrubby mountains astride an ugly Harley-Davidson P.O.S. and I'm sorry if you like Harleys but seriously they're loud and heavy and don't perform very well and every single one I've seen in town is ridden obnoxiously. We've got a guy here in the Castro who rides a red one and at 2am almost nightly he'll rev his engine again and again for up to a half hour, for no reason except to annoy everyone. It’s not like I’m a motorcycle hater, I rode a Duck for many years but Harleys are just stupid.

EXTERIOR, MANSION: The women toast each other “to love.” Sure, lotta love in this room. We get quick cuts of the women saying they like Ari. This is a huge surprise, HUGE.

Chris calls the hoard inside: “The hope is that just one of you will be Ari's wife.” Wait, so still no polygamy on this show? Jesus, what year is this. “...and that's the craziest thing to say to 21 people sitting before you,” add Chris, apparently overlooking, “I have a spatula and I will spank all your bottoms until you admit the moon landing is fake, you arugula pirates.”

Bekah is looking super perky (enjoy this while you can). Bibiana confessions she wants a date, a big surprise on a dating show about dates. This is Bibiana’s episode so just assume if I elide something it’s a Bibana confessional. Also I have no idea if I’m spelling her name right or anyone else’s also I kinda don’t care?

Hot Mess Chelsea talks about how the producers *cough* I mean Ari gave her a rose last night because she's “a little bit mysterious” which is a funny way to pronounce “CRAY CRAY” but whatever.

Becca K. gets the first date card, all by her lonesome. She is...the publicist? Ok, I'm cheating and reading her title card, because I don't remember anyone but Bekah and the taxidermy gal, who I internally call “girlfriend #1″ and “girlfriend #2″ because I’m a lonely and sad man. I think maybe this Becca is the one who had him propose to her first thing out of the limo?

Ari drives off with Becca on “his” shitty motorcycle. Becca confessionals that she's happy to be paired with a “handsome race car driver” which seems like an oddly specific wish. Like, I've heard of having a type, but if your type is “handsome race car drivers with the IQs of 10-year-olds” then maybe time to rethink priorities.

Hot Mess is asked by the producers (via a proxy contestant) how she feels about Becca getting the motorcycle date. She doesn't disappoint them, “A little jealous...I love putting myself behind something a little bit more powerful than me.” I get she's that trying to sound naughty and exciting here but that construct doesn't make much sense. In what other situations are you putting yourself behind something more powerful than you? I mean, a car is more powerful than you, so do you love it every time you walk up behind your car? What about tractors? Does being behind a tractor get your crank going?

Unbelievably Insane Krystal tells the women that her dad was in a motorcycle accident so she wouldn't be down with going on the ride today and it goes over like a lead balloon in a hospital ward of people suffering from lead poisoning who also are afraid of balloons. One of the assembled women kinda slowly says something like: I...guess...it’s...good...you’re...not...going? because how do you respond to that.

Ari takes Becca to, like, a loft or something they rented out? And introduces her to MEGA-superstar designer Rachel Zoe who I'm sure you've all heard of without googling her because OMG she dresses the stars or something? Becca is supposed to pick out a dress for the evening, from among a ton of very, very sparkly dresses. Rachel Zoe has never met a sequin she didn't like.

After some dress-trying-on Ari tells Becca that she'll get to keep all the dresses and then gives her some spiky Louboutins which even I know are super-goddam-fancy. This is an awesome set-up by the producers — the first woman they pick is a nice, small-town, inoffensive gal it'd be hard for anyone to dislike, and she's getting a classic small-town-gal / “Pretty Woman” scenario without the pesky whoring of the original. Also this sets us up for DRAMA because she's getting like $15,000 or so worth of stuff and I'm now completely convinced the next group date is going to be the women shoveling actual shit (they've done it before!) just to make the other women super jealous.

Ari lies about how much he wanted to spoil her with this date as if he set up Rachel Zoe and paid for the dresses himself, hah hah. Now some Very Serious Dude approaches them with glasses on carrying a briefcase: “Neil Lane sends his regards.” I expect him to shoot them both but instead he gives Becca earrings, which is disappointing but maybe more in tune with the audience. Ari then spends a lot of time brushing her hair away from her ear so the camera can see the earrings that NEIL LANE gave her. Did we mention Neil Lane enough? Because he’s no longer satisfied to just appear at the end of the show with his goddam blood diamond rings. They kiss and he holds her hair back, which is something I usually reserve for...well, not kissing. But those NEIL LANE earrings! They gotta be seen!

Becca totters into mansion full of women the carrying her metric ton of loot and admits she was "more nervous to come back here," which makes sense. But the producers fail to get any catty quotes from the women and actually they all seem kinda excited, so, like, foiled again!

Becca confessionals she's nervous to see Ari again on their evening date. “It's like the butterfly nerves.” I don't know what those are? I've heard of having butterflies and having nerves but not butterfly nerves. Are butterflies known for their nerves? I mean basically they land on flowers and drink sugar water all day. It seems pretty chill.

Ari plies a sparkly necklace onto Becca because apparently she doesn't have enough phat loot. She says, “I was told you can fix my brakes on my car,” and I'm like damn woman how much more do you need here? I've had women literally offer to make sex tapes for me just if I bought them Louboutins. (I declined—I mean, those things are expensive! Oh also I have my pride, ahem, right that too.)

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Literally Insane Krystal gets the date card. She can't stop talking in a combination of up-speak and baby talk and it's so grating I can't believe I'm voluntarily watching this. I would run a mile to avoid her. She also looks to me like she's had a LOT of elective face surgery, because her smile is completely uncanny valley, and that’s a pretty scary thing for a woman in her 20′s. Look, I know there are impossible standards of beauty in our society for women, but when you start cutting up your face and turning it into an hideous plastic mask, well, that’s crazy town.

—

DATE, NIGHTTIME: Becca (we’re still on her date) is telling Ari about her dad's death from cancer because that's super hot. Becca is a nice gal and possibly as simple as Ari, they seem like a fine couple to me. I have nothing mean to say about her, except I think her cross wrist tattoo is dumb but I pretty much don't like any tattoos, so. Somewhere in all this he gives Becca the rose.

Ari tells Becca she gets to keep the earrings (I bet she assumed it at this point, because she’s making out like a damn bandit) and then he pulls a handle in the bizarre loft thing they’re in and confetti flies everywhere because who doesn't end dinner with confetti? That's not at all strange.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION, MORNING: Unbelievably insane Krystal is strutting around the mansion and talking in her baby voice. It sounds like, “Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.”

She's driven to a plane. “HiiiiIIIiiiIIiiiii. Oh my gooooooooooooosh,” she minces to Ari. (Today she’s flying Air Ari.)

Let's pause here. I've been watching this show “UNreal” which is co-created by an ex-PA from The Bachelor and although it's a bit crazier than the real Bachelor it does show how much the PAs interfere and connive and this whole Krystal thing makes me super uncomfortable because of it.

Krystal has, in my opinion, real personality problems. All my alarms go off with her. So the producers are like, OMG, she feels abandoned by her family, she was an abused kid, she's vulnerable now, she has a huge aching need to be liked, LET'S SEND HER TO ARI'S HOMETOWN TO SEE HIS HOUSE AND MEET HIS FAMILY ON THE FIRST DATE because she'll get nuttily attached and when she gets back she'll be a complete bunny-boiler.

Krystal: “It's crazy to think if I lived with Ari, this...could be my life!” EEEEEEK RUN A MILE DUDE RUN A MILE.

Krystal is just SOOOoOOOoooOOoOOO excited to see his home videos and his photo albums, which are oddly analog (he's not THAT old).

Now they're outside his parents’ house. This is just disgusting me. She meets the whole extended family and she's SO EXCITED OH MY GooOOOOooOOD. Krystal asks the parents, “How did you guys meeettttttt?” and I've never heard anyone drag the final consonant (fricative?) like that I feel like she wanted to do a baby talk/upspeak version of that phrase but she ran out of words before she got a chance to add any annoying fake verbal contrivances so she panicked and dragged out the t.

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Women are figuring out who hasn't gone on a date. A date card arrives, pretty much all women are on it. “Let’s hit love head-on!” it says. Spoilers: they actually back into it, which would have made a funnier date card tag line. Like, “You're fine mother-flippers, why don't you back dat ass up?”

—

EXTERIOR, LA: Krystal: “Where are we goIIIIIING?" They're having dinner at the Bradbury which is like the coolest place ever and now it's been tainted by their bullshit and I’m pissed. They didn't even mention Blade Runner so they're double-dead to me.

Krystal cryfessionals that she's afraid to open up to Ari which, like, GO WITH THAT FEELING, GIRL. YOU ARE CRAZY MAYBE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

But instead Krystal tells the story of how her family split up and her parents were neglectful and she later found out her brother was living on the street and couldn't figure out how to save him. Of course this is a legitimately sad story but MAYBE not what you share on national TV and/or a first date but whatever.

The issue here is Krystal is obviously incredibly damaged by her past and she should never have been put on this show. She's not a "ha ha hot mess" pretend villain she's a genuinely messed up person and this is the last thing she needs. She needs help and support not to be deprived of sleep and competing with other women and filled with booze.

Ok, Ari is actually being a gentleman about her crazy history and she's melting in his affection and he has no idea the fire he's lighting. Not yet.

He gives her the date rose, and applies some tongue therapy to her. “It was an easy choice to give Krystal the rose, she really was vulnerable...” no no no gonna stop you right there.

They walk to a small theater somewhere and CONNER DERMIT is on-stage, singing his hit song, You've never heard of me, have you? They slow dance to Conner's crooning and I'd like to give a big shout-out to "Audio Rents" in LA who managed to put a big green sticker on Conner's mic right where the camera could see it perfectly. Maybe after this gig Conner can afford his own microphone! They’re not that expensive, Conner, I have a nice Shure one myself and I don’t even sing.

Krystal confessionals how she's held back in love but her speech patterns are so bizarre that I'm amazed how much she sounds like Jason Mendoza on The Good Place. I wonder if she watches that show and is like, “Gosh, he's my hero. He really get it.”

—

INTERIOR, MANSION: Krystal confessionals, “It felt really amazing this morniNNNNNg: waking up, and having my rose?” She should maybe have breakfast cereal instead of roses.

The women are grilling Krystal but she won't tell them anything about her date, she claims it's personal and private (a-OOOG-ah! a-OOOG-ah! Red flag!) but I suspect also because she kinda can't remember things from a day ago or even when they leave her field of vision?

—

This also marks the spot where producers have had a talk with Bekah about her boobs so the rest of the show she is no longer so perky. I imagine the conversation went a lot like this.

—

Most of the remaining horde is now piled into a bus, wearing sporty outfits. They're going to participate in a demolition derby! This seems...kinda insanely dangerous? I mean, they're taking precautions, but still.

Bekah has managed to find a way to be far skimpilier-dressed than all the other women — she's wearing shorty-short-shorts vs. everyone else’s yoga pants. I admire her tenacity. It's like the old saying, "When god closes the door on no bras, he opens up a window into micro-bootie shorts."

(I'd like to mention I'm in no way trying to "slut-shame" Bekah — she's a very fit person and I'm super-stoked she's so comfortable in her own body. SUPER DUPER stoked.)

Ari pulls up in his beater car with great fanfare. The women are all told to paint their cars and then smash into each other until their cars don't move. Again, this seems pretty dangerous.

Annaleise has a breakdown and is crying and doesn't want to do this. Now, this is a legitimate thing because smashing cars is pretty dangerous and I'm sorry I know I'm going to hell but I can't take her seriously here...because: Mikel(?) is nominated to lob her the softball, "If you don't mind me asking, why are you so scared?" And Annaleise is off! I'll just summarize: when she was little she was on bumper cars and her car was "trapped" in middle of other cars and she was upset.

The producers dramatize the story with a nightmare video sequence of bumper cars and screaming where they're clearly mocking her, then they switch to some of the women openly mocking her in confessionals because the producers aren't allowed to just get on-camera and openly mock the contestants themselves, so this is as close as they can come. Who knows if anything bad actually happened to Annaleise and the producers just cut it to look like she’s trying to get attention? Not me.

Ari comes and comforts Annaleise and she decides she can do it after all. Hmmm.

—

Ari instructs the women to back into other cars because all the good stuff is in front. I'd beg to differ, but to each his own.

Cars bump. Some women are especially aggressive, including Bibiana which is funny because she doesn't have a driver's license.

“Annaleise took a big one in the back right there!” says the announcer and I'm not touching that. Annaleise smashes a ton of cars and ends up having fun.

Sienne wins. They show Sienne taking a victory lap and the lazy foley person twice dubs in the sound of tires screeching on the mud field. C'mon.

There’s a group shot with all the women in their fireproof racing suits and Bekah is the only one who’s taken her top down. I really appreciate the extra effort Bekah always puts in. She's like that Matt Damon impression of Matthew McConaughey: "Today's scene, I think it'd be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off."

—

EXTERIOR, CASTLE(?), NIGHT: What is this place? LA Castle?

INTERIOR, CASTLE(?): Brittany couldn't make it to the afterparty because apparently she hurt herself on the track today. I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO.

We see a lot of confessionals from Bibiana because they're setting up some major DRAMA. Hot Mess Chelsea grabs Ari first again and of course everyone is pissed, but Chelsea hasn't even seen crazy yet. Oh she’s about to be overshadowed big time.

Chelsea tells Ari about her kid. Wheee, what a shocker. We already know Ari's a MILF-hunter, thanks to Emily. Chelsea tells the group how she opened up to Ari about how she left her kid to be here with him and Mikhel(sp?) the very beautiful chef is having none of it and is all "we all gave something up!" You go girl.

Sienne is talking to Ari and she went to Yale and he's like, "I had a cousin in Yale...his name was Yim Yonson!" (Not really.) But it's pretty clear she's WAYYYY to smart for him. Ari actually says (to camera) "I barely graduated high school and worked a Pizza Hut," and you gotta give it to him, he knows his limits. He gives her the old smooches, though, because chix can’t resist the smooches.

We see a big montage of women talking to Ari but in the context of Bibiana having a meltdown because she hasn't gotten any time with Ari. She's M-A-D MAD. I mean, I don't blame her, I'd be totally over this show from the first word, but it’s good TV so have a lot of hot-headed Latina action. My hotheaded Latina friend is watching with me and I’m actually afraid I’m going to catch some fallout from her sympathetic anger for Bibiana.

Now Ari is telling Bekah she's sexy. Her voice is like ear whiskey. They start smooching and the camera does NOT pull away. It's a LONG and WET and SLURPY kiss. I think she's pregnant now?

Cut away: Ari picks up the date rose, “Chelsea: You really opened up to me [more stuff]...and um, Sienne [more stuff] you impressed me today,” and he gives the rose to Sienne. What the hell was with mentioning Chelsea first? Why did he pick out just one woman to mention before the one he was actually giving the rose to? Seems like a dick move.

—

MANSION, NIGHT: montage of women talking about Ari and the politics of rose night.

Ari is a simple man and gives a simple speech to the women. Blah blah rose time is coming.

Ari first talks to Brittany who had the unspecified demolition injury. He gives her a certificate that says "Most Hardcore," and tells her "You can hang it in your room!" because he really is a 10-year-old and his room has all kinds of trophies and certificates on the wall from boy scouts and the like. Also probably an award from Pizza Hut for being “Most Meh Employee.”

Now Ari and Bekah are talking and her voice is so sexy I think I am pregnant. Ari tells her he wasn't sure if she liked him and she’s all no you’re silly and I want to throw up and finally they get back to smooching because seriously they have nothing to say to each other. Smooching sitting down, smooching against the wall, they smooch and smooch. Bekah knows how to smooch. I give this three more episodes before she realizes how boring he is. Bekah: "I'm simple, no drama; I'm easy to please.” Apparently really easy to please.

More Bibiana feeling upset about not getting time with Ari. The whole arc tonight is about Bibiana wanting time and will she get cut?

Krystal confessionals that she's going to talk to Ari some more at the cocktail party even though she has a rose and had a whole day with him. Her voice intonations are seriously crazy. She is unhinged. I think alcohol is messing with the medications I hope she takes. Krystal interrupts Lauren B. who "didn't even have a date this week."

Bibiana confessionals she thinks Krystal is a "selfish BIiiiIITCH" (emphasis hers) and I think that's the first time I've heard that word on this show? The Bachelor’s a pretty conservative show considering how obnoxious it is (c.f. blurring side-boob), which is actually kinda the M.O. of all conservatives, really.

Krystal is crazy-talking to Ari and as far as we see he doesn't kiss he — it seems like he's wising up. The scenes they show he seems more “placating” than “snuggling.” She talks to the other girls about her visit with Ari and her tone is so bizarre I can't even watch it.

We see Mikel(sp?) the beautiful chef asking Ari what color his underwear is and I feel like she's not really making good use of her time here. She's the most gorgeous woman on the show but the fact that they've only shown her say one thing per episode (and it’s been lame each time) means she didn't last long (remember they cut all these shows after the show has wrapped). Ari is the kind of dude who looks at a bucket of fried chicken and is all, "Mmm, I like that dry, tasteless white meat!” so I just don’t think Mikhel lasted long.

The taxidermy woman brings him a stuffed dead thing which I think is great. She's my definite backup after Bekah rejects me. Uh, I mean my first choice? Sorry taxidermy woman whose name I've forgotten. Lauren? I want to say Lauren. Anyhow I love you baby it was always you.

Bibiana finally gets time with Ari. Lots of fanfare. Ari's talking about having his dog in LA with him. Krystal pops her head in. "Hi guysssssss? Do you mind if I...stepped in for a momennnnnnt?" I feel like the producers MUST have put her up to this one, especially because we didn’t see Krystal planning it with the other women and I’m 90% sure Krystal couldn’t open a door without making a plan of attack first. Bibiana respond, “I actually do,” and even Ari says, “Yah, just one minute.” He's starting to. Realize. The. Mistake. He. Has. Made.

Bibiana confessionals how much she thinks Krystal sucks. Krystal says to Ari, “I just...only had a minute and I just...couldn't imagine...going into the rose ceremony even though I already had a rOOOoooose...” and it goes on like that.

Krystal comes out and joins the women and Bibiana tells her off. You can guess how that goes. Bibiana is furious. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone I can actually respect you and listen to what you have to say but if you really think I'm going to fall for this little ‘Lalalalalalaalalal’ [Bibiana shakes her head side to side] you HAVE to be kidding me.”

It’s not the most eloquent speech but I mean maybe it's healthy for Krystal to hear it straight from someone. She’s got to drop this baby/upspeak act if she’s going to join the human race. I honestly don't see Krystal as a villain, she’s a victim in this — a truly hurting person who doesn’t have the tools to deal with this kind of situation.

Bibiana tells her off a bunch. It hurts because, again, Krystal isn’t an evil person, she's just really messed up and needy.

Ari is summing up the evening with Chris: “Some have exceeded my expectations, and then some have slipped back a little bit.” When Ari says the latter the producers cut forward to Krystal in the lineup holding her rose, which in this case I don't think is much of a stretch — I think even simple Ari has started to realize that Krystal is WAY over-invested in this. If you've ever seen “Blue Jasmine” (the last Woody movie I could manage to watch, thanks for being such a dick Woody I used to really look up to you) Krystal is basically Cate Blanchett's part in this except it’s not a movie it’s her real life.

The women are lined up to be judged by a mediocre dude who likes to drive cars. Wheee.

🌹Maquel. 🌹Jacqueline. 🌹Bekah (DUH). 🌹Jenna. 🌹Chelsea. (I don't remember any of these women, sorry.) 🌹Lauren S. One of the Laurens! I think there's three? 🌹Tia! She's the not-Raven with not-surgery. 🌹Annaleise, who hates nicknames. 🌹Lauren B. I feel like I've never seen her. 🌹Kendal! The sexy fun quirky taxidermist. 🌹Brittney, the whiplash victim. 🌹Ashley, who was worried about going home but it turns out was fine. 🌹Marique, the super beautiful chef who will be cut next week and I'll be sad. 🌹Caroline. Don't feel bad if you don't remember her we've only seen her say like one thing.

Chris: "Ladies, Ari: this is the final rose tongiht."

MUSIC: BUM BUM BUM bum bum!

🌹Bibiana! What a shocker except not at all since they've cut the whole show to be about Bibiana.

Chris: "Ladies I'm sorry..." blah blah.

Some lady I don't recognize seems fine with being cut and hugs him and says goodbye. Maybe a Lauren? Seems like a safe bet. Valerie the server with a red wash in her hair who is SUPER beautiful hugs him goodbye. She reminds me of a movie star or someone else I like a lot and I'm sad to see her go but again we've never seen her say a single line on-camera so we can't be surprised.

The final blonde woman (maybe a Lauren?) is sniffling and stomps past Ari without saying goodbye. He can't abide this! All women must pay him obeisance, even if he just cut them. "Can you give me a sec!" says Ari to his throng as if the women had any ability to decide their own fates on this show, and follows her.

“Hey,” he confronts her. Her hands are on her hips. Ari: “I'm sorry! C'mere, give me a hug at least.” He grabs her clearly against her will. Not OK, Ari! I know you're 10 but you can't force women to hug you just because you feel bad that you made them feel bad. That's not OK!

Unknown possible-Lauren says, “Can...we...talk about it, at least?” and I’m now wondering why she blew past him if she wanted to talk? Ari pulls out the “I had to make tough choices" excuse and I feel like after 22 seasons the producers have a finely honed list of excuses they give the dudes to recite so they don't look like jerks.

Unknown woman says, “I’m not...sad about you, I'm sad about leaving my new friends,” which, I mean, that's a baller move and I respect it but you didn't really need to stop and ask him to talk if it’s true. You could have said it in the limo and it would have been badass.

Ari says, “I know you made friends, but at the end of the day it's more than that here, you know?” It's the second time he's said “end of the day” which is two more times than I've ever said it in my life because it's incredibly trite.

Also, why DON'T they let the rejected women stay in the house? That'd be freaking awesome. They could all carry on with the remaining women and dish and they wouldn't have to bullshit any more and it'd be hilarious. Also if some of us in the audience developed crushes on the less-bland women (*cough* Mikel *cough*) we’d be able to keep seeing them every week even after the main guy decided the only flavor he enjoys in vanilla.

“Okay, give me a hug!” Ari demands and grabs her. She doesn't, like, visibly move away but I'm still saying, don't demand hugs from women. You're not doing this for them, you're doing it so you can feel better, and that’s shitty. Hugs are intimate, don't demand intimacy from anyone.

Unknown possible-Lauren voiceovers “I got...broken up with, for the first time. So, like, shocked!" and look unknown woman I want to be on your side but yipes. First off, you did not get broken up with, you’ve barely spoken to this guy, you weren’t going out. Second off, if nobody's ever broken up with you maybe you have an issue? Like are you dating guys way beneath you, or do you end relationships early because you're afraid of being hurt or you get bored and need to move on? None of these are good looks. You should be dumped. It's part of learning and growing and figuring out what you want. I’m not ashamed I’ve been dumped, I’m only ashamed of the relationships I chickened out of that I should have stayed in.

Unknown possible Lauren: “I literally came into this thinking that I would end up with him,” well c'mon you just said you didn't like him and only liked the other women you're ruining this. She actually shows her fangs: “But he literally picked a [laughs] taxidermist over me.”

OH NO YOU DID NOT. Nobody attacks my #2 girlfriend! "Taxidermist lady" is awesome and creative and fun and she's WAY sexier than you if you want to be shallow. (Which I do, let’s be honest.)

"I just feel like I embarrassed myself." Well, not until you started tearing on the other women, you didn't.

Meanwhile, inside, Ari toasts to an amazing week, and how he's learned a lot about himself. His toast is amazingly Ari-centric, except maybe not amazing because he’s Ari, the 10-year-old.

Hopefully one of those things he’s learned is DO NOT TAKE CRAZY TO MEET YOUR PARENTS.

[graveyardclaws]

multiplies of 3 for that ask meme?

thank you!!!!!i suck at math so i might do this wrong

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?usually a receipt or random index card i find on the floor

6: do you keep plants?just one. two actually, but they share a pot. they’re both aloe. i’ve had them for almost two years, when we planted them in the pagan club i go to

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?kind of but i’m really self-conscious about it

12: what’s your favorite planet?i know this probably means real planet but all i can think of is coruscant from star wars. if it has to be real i guess i’d pick neptune.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!If two pieces of the same type of metal touch in space, they will bond and be stuck together permanently.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.i don’t have friends tbh but i can tell you about one with my family? we were playing apples to apples (basically a family friends version of cards against humanity) and there was one card with the word “hippopotamus”. i was like ten and while i totally knew what a hippopotamus was i had never seen it written down so i horribly mispronounced it. they bring it up Every Time. the same thing happened a few years ago when we were playing this american history trivia game and i mispronounced monticello. also with one of my friends in high school (hi gabby) we were hiding in the stairwell during lunch because we didn’t want to go to the cafeteria and she picked up the lid of my water bottle and pretended to ring it like a bell and made this ridiculous noise and i laughed so hard i had to go back downstairs to the water fountain so i wouldn’t literally choke and die.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.my favorite bag? idk. i used to carry this purse that had a blackbird embroidered on it. it was grey and had a really cool design. i’d pinned a lot of stuff to it like a rainbow ribbon (for gay pride and all) and a few band pins and others from hot topic. the bag started getting really worn out and i decided not to replace it because i feel like carrying a purse really feminizes me. other than that i guess it’s just my backpack. i mostly use it for school but it’s also really great for carrying stuff when i’m going into the city or headed up to boston to stay with my sister. the trials of not having any one specific home…

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?hell no i have so many horrifying secrets even i would run screaming if i hadn’t lived through it

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?i did not know bubblegum came in different flavors. i thought bubblegum was its own flavor. i’m so uncultured

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?yes

33: what’s your fave pastry?probably cinnamon rolls? i don’t know that many different pastries

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?fall out boy. specifically folie a deux

39: what color do you wear the most?black

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!it’s this new place you might’ve heard of it. starbucks?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?i try to but idk if i have that much opportunity

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?when i was a kid it was ghosts/monsters. also being abandoned by people but i didn’t really put it into words at the time. and it kind of is still the same? i hate being alone in the dark because the monsters could get me and also i feel abandoned

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?idk what person to pick… sick little games by all time low makes me think of stuff my cousin and i talk about a lot

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?does myself in the mirror count?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?it reminds me of sitting in the car with my sister driving when i was like fourteen. also my dad relentlessly mocking us for literally everything we’ve ever done. overall i like the song, but it has Memories

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?yes i love poetry!! my favorite poems are the fairy reel by neil gaiman, alone by edgar allan poe, do not go gentle into that good night by dylan thomas, and everything ever written by either emily dickinson or sylvia plath

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?i try to keep anything from getting damaged but other than that i’m only fussy about collector’s items, irreplaceable stuff and vinyls

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?white roses are my favorite flowers but i feel like i’d need something in black. with vines or something badass.

69: what are your favorite board games?it isn’t a board game but i just found this cool card game called timeline. there’s a deck of cards with historical events on them and you have to put them in order of when they happened (dates are on the back). they have different themed packs and you can combine them it’s really cool

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?i should but i don’t. i sometimes make lists or schedules of what i’m going to do but i always end up ignoring it.

75: tell us about your pets!i only have one dog. her name is Chloe Belle we got her when i was eight. my entire family picked the name Chloe but the name Belle was my suggestion. she’s a yellow lab. we also used to have cats (Rainbow and Sunshine) but they died a few years ago. we had them since i was two. before we had Chloe we had another dog named Chelsea but she died. we also used to have my sister’s rabbit named Honey, my hamster named Acorn, and our three hermit crabs (Hermie, Hermietta, and Hermione, yes we were in fact that stupid)

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?they annoy me but i guess they’re not that bad

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.i suck at writing but i’ll tryI’ve only been to the ocean a few times in my life but I’m ok with that. The depth and complexity of the sea is no comparison to whatever is raging inside this girl, and you don’t need to be in love with her to see it. I still can’t decide if her eyes were blue or green but I can promise you they were the exact color of the water that morning at Thunder Rock when we said goodbye. When she smiles at you somehow her eyes get wider and you feel like she’s pulling you into her soul. She really is, but it’s still a trap. You’ll never be able to stand by the shore again without remembering her every word and the way she grabbed your hand and how the particles of sunlight reflected equally of the water and through her eyes. She was a source of light herself and when she finally noticed she left to irradiate the life of someone who deserves it, taking that intensity with her.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?hells yeah i want so many tattoos. the first one i’m going to get is the thing frank drew for me at the show last week. i’m doing that one really soon because i’d like to be able to show him when i see him in april. i also want to get a constellation on my left wrist, i’m thinking the pleiades. i have a vague design for an mcr tattoo in progress, involving a compass and the lyrics “nothing you can say can stop me going home”. i also kinda want to get fall out boy lyrics “mummified my teenage dreams no it’s nothing wrong with me the kids are all wrong the story’s all of heavy metal broke my heart” tattooed on the back of my left shoulder. also idk how safe it is but i kinda want a metallic gold bird wing tattooed on my entire right side but i’ve hear metallic tattooes are dangerous. when i get top surgery i’m going to design something to cover the scars. also i want a spiderweb on the right side of my neck (not sure if i want a spider in it or not) and on my right hand and forearm (just the back) i want the human skeletal system as it actually appears in my body, in greyscale. the last two i’m not getting unless the musician career works out because i need to be able to get a real job. also if i ever end up getting married i want the date of my wedding tattooed on the inside of my right wrist in roman numerals. i will probably add many more but that’s all i’ve thought out so far

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Pan’s Labyrinth, Mad Max: Fury Road, Gone Girl

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.NYC is anyone at all surprised? sadly i have never lived there but it has always felt like home even since i was too young to have any concept of that. especially at night in the snow. walking through central park on a winter evening is a profound experience. also there’s just so much there!! so much culture and so many people something is always happening. i know beyond any doubt that that’s where i belong

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?since i got my hair cut short i can’t really do different styles. right now it’s buzzed on one side and a few inches long (but uneven) on the other. it just sits like that. i want to grow out the long side so that it’s chin length and leave the short side buzzed but i don’t think i have the patience.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?hardcore procrastinate

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.twin skeletons, you’re crashing but you’re no wave and headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet by fall out boy. ghost of you, the world is ugly, the light behind your eyes, the only hope for me is you, mama and all of i brought you my bullets you brought me your love by mcr. holy, eyelids, and fire by pvris. the wasp, dead as fuck, abigail, eternally yours and immaculate misconception by motionless in white. paralytic states and dead rats by against me! therapy, a love like war, satellites, cinderblock garden and painting flowers by all time low. wrecking ball and little pistol by mother mother. oceans, world destroyer, all i want is nothing, and where do we belong? anywhere but here by frank iero and the whatever the fuck he’s calling it now.

also my apologies for going into way too much detail about most of this i know no one cares but i had nothing else to doand thank you so much for asking!!!!!!