#on twitter so here we go i have too much anxiety to function and the person i currently love the most on this planet always sends me into

[rationalisms]

Omg you discord post is exactly what I’ve been thinking as well. I’ve joined it for fandoms and school groups and irl community stuff and each and every time I get so anxious that I end up going ghost. Speaking specifically on fandom though, I recently deleted my account and the app (love being #free) because the one to one feel of involvement is A Lot. I love screaming into the void and shooting off a stupid post way too much so having to think through everything I say is anxiety like I don’t actually want to feel like I’m in a chat room? Idk but it’s the same with twitter, I use it to crack some jokes but the extra sense of familiarity that seems to come with frequent interactions overwhelms me and everyone else just seems to be okay with it. I realize that’s a box of a social anxiety thing in general though. Anyway not that you asked bit this is why I don’t think I’ll ever leave tumblr it caters so perfectly to the hermit in me lol

oh bud i completely feel you, it's an absolute nightmare for people with any amount of social anxiety. pretty much the only reason i use discord is for ttrpg organizational purposes, and for the one movie watching/music league group chat with my group of friends; any servers i've joined that are bigger than that i go through the exact same process every time: agonize over what to say for several days because everyone else already seems incredibly familiar with each other in a way that's so deeply terrifying and intimidating and then eventually just leaving again. which sux! i wanna Take Part In Stuff and meet people who share my interests but i'm a big ball of anxiety and that setting is my nightmare... so i definitely get you. and good on you for deciding that you're no longer getting anything out of it and pulling the plug! it can be hard especially with how much it's assumed that you have certain social media and FOMO and alla dat, so i'm glad you were able to draw a line and i hope it helps make you feel more comfortable.

i don't mind twitter as much because it feels more passive in a lot of ways. like, engagement can just be a driveby fav or even if you do reply or someone replies to you there's an inherent built-in acceptance of delay in response or even just like. Acknowledgement By Fav Can Be Enough. which imo is definitely not the atmosphere for discord at least ime. but it's still not great for fandom stuff for a ton of other reasons including the complete lack of archiving. and honestly, i abandoned my public twitter for my locked down private one for a multitude of reasons and the anxiety around having to keep up some sort of Public Persona is definitely part of it, so i absolutely understand you on that level as well.

tumblr has its own issues obviously, but like you i never felt the same sense of pressure or dread here. a big part of that is obviously the whole reblog system in itself, in that it's totally fine and even encouraged to just, idk , silently curate pretty pictures for a bit and at most commenting in the tags when you have something to say or w/e, but also being able to do the whole shooting random thoughts into the void whenever you want to instead. it's also much, much easier to curate my experience here than anywhere else lol. much more robust blacklisting functions available (albeit reliant on third party extensions) and if you didn't choose to put something on your dash then tumblr won't for the most part force it on you. so that for sure helps.

idk, i don't have the solution! because like, yes in many ways discord and twitter are suboptimal for fandom stuff but in many ways it's also down to the fact that i do obviously have pretty severe anxiety around these things and struggle with it immensely in a way that a lot of people obviously don't. which sucks but isn't their problem.

i still think we should all move to dreamwidth though. if enough of us hermits congregate there other people eventually have to follow, right? that's how we all ended up on tumblr in the first place :x

[darlingofvalyria]

this 💌 this☯️ or this🎈for the ask games, lovely~

Hi, hi! I hope you don't mind I answered all of 'em hehe.

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

Oh wow, this is actually a pretty poignant question.

I've said this numerous times before in my main account, but curating your own space is very important. Each of us has our own triggers, what we like and don't, and most often than not, that can clash with another just as we could vibe with another person well. Treat the block button as your friend, or heavily curate your blocked tags (this is a good function in Tumblr! I'm unsure about AO3 or other sites though).

Fandom is its own ecosystem. You don't need to unnecessarily confront another person through DMs, or god forbid, Ask and send make your grievances, especially if it does more harm than good.

I believe in keeping cute and keep it pushing. As long as you know you're not actively harming another person— go enjoy what you enjoy and ignore what you don't. It's so easy.

If you truly have a concern about another person, dealing with it privately is much, much better. At the same time, if someone has come to you dealing with a concern, take time to deal with it in a mature way. You don't always have to take it as a sword to the throat. We're all human beings, people make mistakes.

Bottomline, with fandom being an ecosystem, knowing your boundaries helps curate your space. As long as you're not harming another person, stay sassy and classy ahaha!!

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

Hmm, I don't think I have a fixed style... not that I've noticed lol. I do think I have favourite ways of writing, but I generally think about tonal points. Like with Sister's Hot Best Friend Trope vs The Black Stag. With the former, I could play more with my dialogue and characters since it's set in a Modern AU and I can have fun with it, especially the humour.

The latter is a dark piece, holding steady to moral ambiguity and triggering material set as Canon-Compliant as possible, so tonally it's very, very different. The prose glides different, there are parts where the words and quick scene flashes are halted so it can give you an unease sense.

It depends, certainly on a lot of factors, but mostly tonal and how I want the story to be conveyed.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

Ooh, I just finished this Osferth Corpse Bride!AU and just needs cleaning up before I cycle it in, but here's a little spoiler! I enjoyed writing it way too much, and can't wait to share it hehe!

[badbitchfiles]

Venting....

I feel so stuck rn.

The plan I had to get out of my low paying job & expand my income fell through, and then my backup plan fell through. My business is making single sales/month, which I'm very happy with bc everyone starts somewhere but baybee the bills are due now lol. Plus I've kind of stalled out on the other business; I have a shitload of stuff designed but it costs money to put it in motion and.....🥴

I'm trying to remind myself that pressure builds diamonds*(which is what I told myself to get through the last time I had a season like this) and that every valley leads to a peak—and it gets really bad right before the peak—but my GOD! How much longer before I hit the peak? This is like the third time I've been through something like this and I'm trying to make this the last mfing time bc this is GHETTO!!! The stress, the anxiety, the confusion, the directionless wandering is for the fucking birds!

I'm between seasons rn, I'm in the middle of a transformation (and headed into—if i haven't already started—my saturn return, not to mention the foolishness that comes with being in between eclipses) and let me tell you the in-between part is NOT fun; the part where the old shit no longer works but you don't know where to even start to develop new shit. And then you look around and everyone else is having fun & living life meanwhile you're in a boat with a hole in it & the flex seal is nowhere to be found 😭 I'm trying to remember that social media is an illusion and even with the rise of "getting paid to be yourself online", most things we see are very much staged, edited and all the other fake things. Part of me wants quick money but then I remember that nothing worthwhile comes quickly and then I'm like "well maybe I need to start losing a couple hours of sleep & put more effort into my businesses" but I know how I function when I'm sleep deprived (which is not at all) and I REFUSE to fall into hustle culture bc that'll lead me right back into the generational trauma that I'm trying to heal from

BUT THENNNNN I'm like "Okay what are you doing differently to ensure that the pattern doesn't repeat again?" And.....I lowkey don't have an answer lol. Yeah I'm writing in my day planner but then I'm not doing the things I write down. I'm not keeping on top of my habits so how am I going to ask for something different when I'm not doing anything to open myself up to something different? I'm spinning my wheels by trying to do too much at one time and I'm looking outside of myself for answers instead of looking within

That being said, here's what I've found out about myself:

One of the first things to be neglected when I'm stressed & burnt out is myself (skincare, meditation, diet, etc)

I run to social media (namely Twitter & tiktok astrologers/tarot readers) for answers instead of looking within & fostering my relationship with my own tarot cards and guides. I've been feeling called to go back to my tarot cards recently too

I've learned that what works for most people probably won't work for me. Idk what it is but my path is to literally go as far away from the cleared path as possible. It's very difficult especially when you're the only one in the family deviating but 🤷🏾‍♀️

I lack patience (wbk it's definitely a fire & air ruled thing lol). It's very hard for me to develop a habit bc I expect immediate results—with the exception of going to the gym bc I genuinely enjoyed that like an alien lmao. I also overthink, get discouraged & talk myself out of changes before I begin bc I focus on the mountain in front of me instead of the stairs that will get me up the mountain in small, incremental steps. Also the best part of doing something is the things you learn along the way and I'm missing out on that

I'll do a separate post on what I want in life rn bc that's been weighing heavily on my mind too

*diamonds are basically worthless & the "value" they do have is through man-made price gouging)

[hamavocadosebwich]

.

[avissapiens]

Avis' Subject Symposium

A Crash Course in Trance Pt 1: Files.

(Art by Acro @sodalite96/https://twitter.com/sodalite96 Used with their permission. Go check them out!)

So often new subjects come to me and they don’t know the first thing about trance. None of its mechanics or methods, and so it can be very daunting for them; to step into such a wide abyss without knowing what to expect and what is expected of you. Many of them, even experienced subjects, expect that 100% of the work is and should be done by the Hypnotist. In truth both parties, the hypnotist and the subject, must be willing and able. But while it’s more readily apparent what must be done in order for a tist to be successful in their endeavors, many subjects/potential subjects can have a hard time understanding what it takes to get the most out of their trance, both from pre-recorded files, and from live sessions with a hypnotist. So, I’m here to give you what is in my opinion, the essential Crash Course to Trance, starting first with trancing to files.

Location

Find yourself somewhere nice, darkened and quiet, where you know you won’t be disturbed. This is already a hard task for a lot of subjects, living with other people always increases the chance that one might barge in on you, eyes glazed over, drooling all over yourself. Or that someone’s reckless pounding from above might shake the abyss so thoroughly that it takes you out of trance. But here is the thing I will stress. While physical quiet is a good idea as it allows you to focus on the words and suggestions streaming into your head. What matters so much more is internal peace and quiet. A location where you can feel at ease and safe and secure in yourself. A locked bedroom surrounded by mountains of pillows. Your favorite plush armchair that threatens to swallow you almost as well as the Abyss of Trance. The peaceful morning route on the train whose path you know so well that you can be lulled into trance just by the rumbling vibrations of the tracks beneath your seat. Wherever you can be comfortable.

The ideal location for trance I'm sure does exist in some government facility or therapists office somewhere, where you can be dropped into an isolation tank and be brainwashed clean. But most of us will never encounter that. So what matters then is the ideal mindset for trance, which is one of peace, safety, trust and assurance.

Equipment

This is one of the reasons so many love using files. Because its barrier to entry is so low. All you really need is something to play the file on and a place to listen. This is in contrast to working directly with a tist where you need, at the very least, A good internet connection, maybe a camera, Another person who you trust and who might be wildly inconsistent. Or working in person which probably will require a whole location and time-table to get set up. No, Files are relatively simple and they are no better or worse than live sessions for certain purposes. However, like all simple things, they can be elevated by improving its ingredients. A box cake from the store and a home-made chiffon are functionally the same, but their difference comes in the ingredients and technique.

So for trance I recommend spoiling yourself a little, at the very least buy yourself some decent quality over-ear headphones. Many file-makers (myself included) add frequencies and binaural beats underneath the main track. These serve the purpose of training your own brain’s waveforms to a certain frequency, thus more easily taking you into trance. But they can only be detected and properly registered with some good headphones. Additionally, The encapsulation of headphones provides a more immersive experience, isolating you and transporting you through the trance experience like you are in your own little world. Trust me. $600 studio headphones aren’t needed, But a good quality wired $40 headset goes a long way and is multi-purpose. A decent quality chair or mattress also will serve you well, not just in trance but in life.

Focus

Trance is a very tricky state that, like all things, requires practice and patience to master. Staying in trance is like a tightrope walk, teetering gently between the realm of consciousness and awareness, and the oblivion of total subconscious and sleep. It is the liminal space between the two, that subconscious space that makes trance and hypnosis possible. It is the state where your mind is most open to total suggestion and where magical things can happen. So how does one walk the line between these two modes of being? The answer is focus. Or rather Half-focus. Focusing without focusing. With descriptions like that it can sound like some kind of Zen riddle, but that is often what it feels like sometimes. Now this is not a laser focus like you would expect in a classroom setting, no one is being tested here. It's a more gentle and subtle focus. Like focusing on the world around you. Focusing on the wind on your face, the rise and fall of your lungs; On the way your body just goes loose and slumps over. The trick is to go in and to follow along, to listen and pay attention and try to comply with the suggestions given at first. Suspend your disbelief and engage with it unironically and without pretense. If you notice yourself drifting, don’t try to force it back to focus. Simply let it explore where it wants and to carry on organically. Nothing in trance needs to be forced. Simply focused on and allowed to happen.

Many subs oscillate in trance, their minds ebbing and flowing like a Sine wave; wavering in and out of trance, one minute aware, the next minute completely blank and asleep, and then for a brief moment in bliss. But it averages out to trance at the end of it. One must also not fear dropping out of trance. Focusing too much on that eventuality makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. Just Focus-not-focus-half-focus and enjoy yourself.

Apprehension

So many subjects look at files and their mind begins to spin with endless questions and anxieties. Worries about “losing themselves” or “changing too much” or “doing things they don’t want to do.” It’s a valid set of concerns for a new subject, uninitiated in the true mechanics of trance and only knowing of hypnosis what is shown in the media. Evil villains and monsters brainwashing our heroes to do horribly enticing and arousing things. So ingrained is this idea that it even crossed over into the allure of hypnosis files. And while I won’t say it's impossible for that to happen, I have 3 comments on it to ease your mind. First, with Files, one of the best things about it is that the subject gets to control practically every single aspect of the experience. When you do it, how many times you listen, and whether you listen at all to begin with. While all files should be clearly labelled with Content and trigger warnings and given an explicit summary of what they are and what they do, we know that is not the case. The amount of “Mystery files” I've seen on various forums irks me to no end. But it appeals to some people. However, for those who are not particularly fond of surprises you have the absolute power to review the file before you trance to it. You can give it a fully aware walk through, or just jump through segments to look for anything that doesn’t suit your taste.

Once you’ve done that however you might still be conflicted about some content. Not openly averse to it, but unsure. Dumbing down and IQ reduction are probably number one on this list. People are so terrified of somehow losing everything when they learn to stop overthinking things. For these concerns my second point suggests Introspection. Ask yourself “Why do I/Don’t I want this?” “Is it really as bad as my anxiety is making it out to be?” Because if you like something a lot, and really want it, then why should you deny yourself it out of fear? Even aside from dumbing, many desires are tinged with this air of guilt or fear. Terrified to acknowledge or grab hold of what we truly want and own up to it. In my estimation Hypnosis can be one of the best ways of dabbling with those desires because in trance there is no shame or judgement. Finally, my 3rd point says you don’t have to worry. If you really don’t like a suggestion you can always leave it behind. Your mind has built in fail-safes to reject suggestions you haven’t agreed to. A file cannot make you do something unless you want it, at least subconsciously. The old cliche goes “All Hypnosis is Self-Hypnosis” and what that fundamentally means is that as a subject you are the one who decides what happens. You consent and go along with things and allow them to happen to you. It is your desire, your focus, your arousal and your own subconscious that allows hypnosis to work. Subjects have more power than they know. I really hope it assists some people in vibing better with trance and files. I’ll be putting out another version for Live hypnotists later this month.

Thanks again to Acro for letting me use their Art, definitely go and support them on twitter. And If you want to support the creation of more hypnotic experiences that might help you practice that balance of focus then you can do so by subscribing to my Patreon, or to my Youtube channel. And if you want to interact more closely with me and my supportive community you can join my Discord server.

[thevirgodoll]

Is it possible to be neuro-typical and still have mental health obstacles/issues? Like honestly…I am AWFUL at self-discipline. I lack focus and sometimes I have to force myself to finish things (even if last minute). But, I genuinely, truly, deeply at the bottom of my heart, DON’T believe I struggle with any mental disorders. Whenever I do research for things like adhd and what not, and I interact with fellow classmates with adhd, I don’t find myself relating to those issues on a deep profound level other than lack of focus/discipline and occasional anxiety.

It is definitely possible, but I think you're comparing yourself too much to Internet articles and your peers. I will give you facts just for your own convenience and you can decide on your own. It doesn't hurt to think about it.

Everyone with ADHD represents differently, considering there's ADHD Inattentive Type, ADHD Hyperactive-Impulsive Type, and ADHD Combined (that's all of it together, which is me!). This creates a stark difference in all of us with the disorder. Primarily Inattentive especially presents drastically different due to the low population of those who have it. It creates imposter syndrome, when it's not any less debilitating. There are even uncommon symptoms that go under the radar, that we didn't even know was ADHD.

Another thing to consider is if you are POC, AFAB, or identify as a woman, it's severely under diagnosed in these populations due to the stigma. And to speak to my demographic, Black women, we do not notice there's something off until we find difficulty in late adulthood due to the ableism and bias in healthcare. Most BW will believe ADHD is something different than what it actually is, and avoid getting knowledge from the right sources (because most are for children, or little boys...). We downplay a lot of our symptoms with mental illness.

The thing is, ADHD is specifically unique because it's a disorder that is neurologically based and developmentally based.

Let me explain executive function!

Executive function helps us manage time efficiently, switch between tasks without conscious effort, problem solve, avoid impulsivity, retrieve information, and regulate emotions. ADHD impacts the development of executive function through neurological structures of our brain, so that becomes executive dysfunction - peep this comic from ADHD-Alien to see it in a situation played out. And another!

I like to use the analogy of neurotypical's dopamine neurotransmitters (thousands of them) completing their job at work while ours don't even show up, even though they really want to. Here's an example of how severe the symptoms are in a comic from ADHD-Alien.

Therefore, it's a deficiency in dopamine and norepinephrine. This is why medication becomes important for a lot of people with ADHD to bring it back up. Beforehand, self medication is usually an issue, through other stimulants like coffee. The low chemicals in our brain will cause those of us afflicted with ADHD to seek stimuli to compensate for that, usually involuntarily.

Tasks with high stimulus are more attractive to our brains. What has some sort of incentive is at the forefront of your brain, and that's why you're not able to do things that you should do. Your brain legit screams, "Do something else, or I'm turning off!!!" This is also why those of us with it have endless amounts of hobbies because we go through various phases of what is the most interesting.

Before diagnosis, most people will be told they're lazy, just need to try focusing/try harder, or that everyone has this same problem. That is all due to professionals not advocating for ADHD properly, having a view that ADHD is just a little boy kicking, being hyper, screaming, and a belief that ADHD is tied to poor academic performance/low intelligence. This all prevents people from seeking treatment and creates internalized ableism. This also leads to feeling like the ADHD diagnosis is invalid due to childhood symptoms being suppressed until adulthood.

I must also mention... it's well known people with ADHD WILL have AT LEAST one co-morbidity... which means it can attribute to the development of these disorders if the symptoms go unnoticed. Depression, OCD, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Substance Use Disorder, and more. Autism and ADHD counts as well, and often people have an overlap because they are basically brother and sister in casual speech.

A lot of us were already diagnosed with a co-morbidity, anyway. So our brain already had to seek chemicals and that can make it even harder for diagnosis to occur and make it easier for misdiagnosis or increase risks. ADHD also creates the likelihood of suicide, doesn't matter the age bracket.

There is a lifetime prevalence for other disorders for those of us with ADHD either way, because of how difficult it is. So, even if you feel you may be "milder" in presentation, that's not invalid, and don't be put astray by TikToks or Twitter posts. Know your facts and be careful, because social media will say everything is an ADHD symptom, when it's not, especially TikTok. They will also use the wrong words or invalidate less common symptoms. Don't buy into that.

TL;DR: Though you may have mild anxiety to begin with or depression, my concern is that executive function requires the ability to self regulate. Through this you have the ability to essentially force your reward system, so that way you can prime your brain for a greater reward in the future. Anyone with executive dysfunction has a deeper problem than they realize, and I would've been doing my brand of mental health and improvement a disservice if I didn't at least try to define the reasons why you should also consider that you may display lesser known symptoms. Even if you are neurotypical in your world view, mental illness has been defined so concretely by certain people that it becomes confusion. I can tell you're having difficulty. It seems you're having trouble either way with something, so you should seek services if you are able, as well as think more about what's been going on lately.

[96thdayofrage]

He is a man of uniquely pious hypocrisy, able to affect moist-eyed sincerity while ruthlessly chopping the legs out from under democracy. Whether it is stealing Supreme Court seats or defending an indefensible president, his superpower is the uncanny ability to lie, to know that you know he’s lying and yet to keep a straight face through it all.

So one does not weep to see him smacked about, as happened last week after he rhetorically implied that African Americans are something other than real Americans. But one hopes both ardent critics and casual observers understand that ultimately, this is not simply a McConnell problem — which is to say, not just a transient gaffe reflecting only one senator’s clumsy syntax.

For those who missed it, a recap: Asked last week about African-American anxiety over the Senate’s failure to pass legislation to expand and defend voting rights, the minority leader replied: “Well, the concern is misplaced, because if you look at the statistics, African-American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans,”

Ouch.

It was a framing for which he is rightly being pilloried. Black voters have filled Twitter with images of themselves over variations of the message, We Are Americans, with the hashtag #MitchPlease. The NAACP tweeted archly, “Senator McConnell, what is the difference between African Americans and Americans?” On Friday, McConnell pushed back, claiming he meant to say “all Americans” and dubbing the criticism “deeply offensive,” which you’d say, too, if your mouth ratted you out while your brain was off duty.

But if you think McConnell is the only one who needs to be reminded that, as Black poet Langston Hughes once put it, “I, too, sing America,” you haven’t been paying attention. You missed Chuck Todd of NBC’s “Meet The Press” describing how “parents” are worried about critical race theory while “parents of color” might have a different view. You also missed CBS News’ tweet asking, “How young is too young to teach kids about race?” As if children of color don’t learn about race about the same time they learn about walking. Finally, you’ve missed all those news stories where reporters talk about “working-class voters,” “suburban moms” or “evangelicals” when they mean “white” — as if Black and brown people did not work, live outside the city or go to church.

Granted, this is not the bigotry of torches and hoods. No, this rhetorical decoupling of “African” and “American,” of Black people from normal human functions, represents “only” the bigotry of the implicit assumption, the things some people believe without consciously knowing they do — much less interrogating why they do. And yet, they do.

For them, white is the default position, the color of generic American-ness and, truth be told, generic human-ness. By contrast, Black and brown are the colors of exoticism, noteworthy only for how they diverge from, challenge or impinge the perceived norm.

That’s what McConnell’s mouth revealed about him. But it is necessary to recognize that he is not an outlier. Nor is inexact language the sin here. Rather, it is language that implicitly disavows, disinherits and disrespects tens of millions of people who are every bit as “American” as Mitch McConnell on his best day. Yes, it’s “only” the bigotry of the implicit assumption.

But that’s the most common kind.

[illegiblewords]

I read your two analyses of Lahabrea and I'm really fascinated by the links you drew for Emet-Selch and Elidibus as well. I was wondering: what do you make of Emet-Selch's comment about him, in the tale Ere Our Curtain Falls, that "it became clear that he was the most suitable candidate for Zodiark's heart"?

Thanks a ton tenkuu!! :D Really glad you enjoyed the analyses! For folks who might not recall offhand, this is the quote from Ere Our Curtain Falls:

That's the sort of person Elidibus was; eager to fulfill his duty, he also respected and admired the Convocation more than any other. To many of us, he was as a younger brother of sorts. And when it became clear that he was the most suitable candidate for Zodiark's heart, it mattered not how strong our resolve... There was none among us who did not waver.

Before the detailed discussion on how Elidibus may have related to Therion (viewable here) I potentially would have been unsure how to answer this. We know as of Eden 5.4 that Loghrif was another contender for the role as Zodiark's Heart but that Elidibus was ultimately selected.

On behalf of the Convocation, I bid you welcome to our order. At times you will stand with us. At times you will stand against us. All that you might steer mankind and the very star upon their true course. For yours is the seat of Elidibus, the Emissary, and by this name shall your every action be guided.

This quote comes from Lahabrea, as we know Elidibus was the last/most recent addition to the Convocation. I think data mining confirmed, but even if it didn't the person's title is literally Convocation Speaker and we know that Lahabrea held that title.

Based on the connotations attached to the first and second Beasts of the Apocalypse from Biblical Revelation (which are in-turn linked to the First Beast/Lahabrea and Therion/Elidibus respectively) I suspect that at minimum following Archaeotania's escape there were misgivings about the plan for Zodiark. It was Lahabrea's concept and Lahabrea was not able to contain Archaeotania. Whether due to fear, weakness, or limited adaptability in high-stress circumstances—Lahabrea failed. Added to this, Azem rejected the Zodiark plan so strongly that they departed the Convocation entirely. The public had reason to doubt at that point in time.

Elidibus being the Emissary, the one who specifically stands to challenge and oppose his colleagues as needed, taking upon himself the role of sacrifice is a huge statement to the people. His entire position is fixed around coming up with and presenting counterarguments, of placing limitations and challenging assumptions to ensure any path taken is thoroughly vetted. For him, specifically, to give his life is the highest declaration of trust and confidence anyone on that star could have given. If anybody could restore faith in the Convocation and their plan it was him.

Added to this though, there's a very quiet unspoken question in Emet-Selch's quote tied to Elidibus' admiration for the Convocation. It's compounded in an additional quote shared by Lahabrea and Igeyorhm.

LAHABREA: Reviewing the records yet again? Really? You worry too much, Elidibus. This dedication to your duty verges on obsession.

IGEYORHM: To think some thought you ill-suited for the role. How wrong they were. But come, turn your gaze outside the window, my friend. The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day.

I'm explicitly stating that this is Lahabrea because 1) Convocation Speaker, there's no one else it could be 2) I think data mining confirmed the identities of both characters explicitly. I do not have these links but @Igeyorhm on twitter IIRC has records for this? In any case, I remember there was also a translation that explicitly had Igeyorhm specifying Lahabrea had been the skeptic about Elidibus’ appointment. She said this while standing directly next to Lahabrea, and he did a kind of slow turn and stare at her as she said it because girl was teasing him lol.

I mention this though, because regardless of who doubted Elidibus’ fitness for the role it did happen… and I actually think we have all the tools available to determine why.

Elidibus having the level of love, devotion, kindness, and admiration he does for his colleagues risks him being potentially blinded in his responsibilities to play devil’s advocate. If he goes easy on them, if he doesn’t challenge them as strictly as he needs to, there is potential for his responsibilities to remain unfulfilled and for the direction of the Convocation (and broader star) to go off the rails.

In this specific instance, Elidibus chose in all his power and influence as the man who questions and challenges, to align himself with the Zodiark plan being promoted by the rest of the Convocation. If he’d challenged that he could have caused serious division and question, but he not only gave his support—he specifically gave his support so completely that he gave his own life to it.

This aligns perfectly with the role of the second Beast relative to the first in Revelation. That Elidibus’ beast is Therion makes me suspect he had his own doubts and anxieties about his decision before the sacrifice, and wasn’t sure whether his full commitment to this plan would be steering the star toward salvation or ruin.

So yeah, basically I think the reason Elidibus was perfect for the role was because his opinion was by nature the hardest to win in his function as Emissary. If it was necessary to restore faith for the public he was the one who could and needed to do that.

[nikatyler]

random questions game

Tagged by @kbeesims. Thank you very much! I’m taking a break from studying rn, so let’s do this.

1. why did you choose your url?

Nika is actually one of the first things I’ve ever called myself as a kid and last year I decided to sort of “reclaim” this old nickname and start using it again in online places and I’m surprised by how right it feels.

As for Tyler, well. I think it’s obvious. In my head he’s the main character of this blog, the mascot, if you will. And also, and this is a bit embarrassing, but about a month or two ago I saw this post that was like “changing names shouldn’t be such a big deal, we expect trans people to do it if they’re uncomfortable with their birth name, but we should normalize EVERYONE changing their names if they’re not okay with it” (or something along these lines). And well, I like my name, but I thought, what if I didn’t like it, what would I pick instead. Immediately, this one popped up in my head. Yeah. I mean it makes sense to me, but it feels so dumb at the same time. So yeah. I guess if you called me Tyler, I would respond to it. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that I would respond to it, but hey. It’s weird but it would work.

2. any sideblogs? name them and why you have them.

The only one that is still active is my cc finds blog @simmeronnie-cc (yes I need to rename it too, we’ll do that). I don’t really post on my sort-of-studyblr-but-more-like-a-rantblr sideblog or my simspiration blog anymore. Among other things, I rant on twitter again (@/nikatyler22 if anyone’s interested), and I need to bring back the simspo tag on this blog.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Almost five years. I refuse to believe that.

4. do you have a queue tag?

I do. Well, I schedule my posts manually, I don’t queue them (because earlier this year I noticed it would eat at least one post a day, so I stopped using it), but still. I don’t know what I’d do without this function haha

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

There was this blog that did this really cool comic with very pretty characters. That’s what convinced me lol, even though my content has never been like theirs.

6. why did you choose your icon?

Because Tyler lol

7. why did you choose your header?

Because Tyler and Sharon and I want to have what they have dAMMIT

But I might change the picture for the one I posted yesterday, you know, the awkward one

8. whats your post with the most notes?

That would be the pride paints post I believe!

9. how many mutuals do you have?

I don’t know, but a lot I think? At least in the simple sense of “I follow you and you follow me.” I never counted it. I’m not sure how many people would actually consider me their mutual or online friend or something like that. I hope someone would haha

10. how many followers do you have?

Over 2 000. What the heck. I mean, not many people are actually active and I think most of them don’t even lurk, but it’s still a pretty cool number

11. how many people do you follow?

I checked and it’s 183. I can’t realistically keep up with all of them but at the same time I’d feel bad for unfollowing any of them

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

My entire blog is a big shitpost tbh, and I wouldn’t have it any other way ✌✨

13. how often do you use tumblr a day?

I usually keep the tab open all day and just check it from time to time. I’m not counting

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Oooooh boy

Yes. I was dumb, okay? Very dumb.

15.  how do you feel about “you need to reblog” posts?

Those scared me when I was younger, I remember I couldn’t sleep when I was like 8 and saw one of those “repost this or you’ll die in 7 days” pictures. Now I’m okay with them, I just scroll past. Usually. Sometimes I still get nervous. Don’t post them, guys. You can really hurt people with anxiety and similar issues.

16. do you like tag games?

Y E S

17. do you like ask games?

Y E S   Y E S   Y E S   PLEASE SEND ME ASKS

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

One that immediately comes to my mind is @berrysweetboutique. I can’t believe such a big simblr is following me and seeing my daily pixel clownery on their dash :D

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

I don’t, but back in the day, I used to sort of put some simblrs on pedestals and then act in a way that I thought they would like, if that makes sense, and I was really insecure about what they would think, and if we started talking I was so worried I’d say or do something wrong and it was all in all not a great experience. I know it’s not a crush in the romantic sense, but it reminds me of how sometimes you’d go and try to impress a crush and change yourself so that they like you too. I guess they were sort of crushes in the sense of “oh wow this person is so amazing and perfect, I’m so little next to them, they could probably never love me the same way I love them”. Anyway, once you let go of that mentality and just start doing whatever, without trying to impress anyone...oh that freedom is sweet.

Sorry, went off topic here 😅

20. tags?

I’m just gonna tag whoever wants to do this, go make another cup of coffee and go back to my 19th century poetry 😄

[basically-i-write-shit]

sliiiiiides into ur dms with semi-ancient youtube au ideas because I may or may not have reappeared after *checks watch* four years to lurk through your haikyuu tag. Consider: kiyoko being insecure because she hangs out with yacchan and yams and tsukki, all of whom sing and/or play instruments and kiyoko's like "...I'm just pretty and a functional adult, you guys are all so talented". Also consider noya scaring the shit out of asahi who is worried for his boyfriend's health and safety

I haven’t written a thing of substance all summer, and these prompts just SENT me. Some Youtube AU is exactly what I need. 

-

Shimizu Kiyoko is not an actress. This much she’s figured out; after a long day on set of one of Ennoshita’s short skits in which she just couldn’t deliver the lines right, couldn’t emote enough for the camera, and many more mishaps that Ennoshita was so overly patient for, she never wants to look at a camera again. Except, of course, she has to-- because her girlfriend vlogs exciting life moments, and this apparently constituted as an exciting life moment. Kiyoko knows she looks put-off in the background as Yachi vlogs in the back of their Uber, and she feels bad for not looking a little happier, but she can’t find it in her for some reason. 

The thing is, Kiyoko is always at least moderately good at anything she tries-- with a few exceptions, of which she’s known for a while, like anything musical, or riding bike. She can do both, but very shakily. She had thought maybe acting would be one of the things she’s good at, because in theory it sounds easy, but either she’s really bad or Ennoshita is a mean director because what was supposed to be a two hour shoot had turned into five. Dinner had been awkward, with Kiyoko piping up even less than usual as Yachi and Ennoshita talked about anything and everything. 

Kiyoko is so lost in thought that she doesn’t hear Yachi sign off from her vlog, nor does she notice they’ve pulled up in front of their apartment building; Yachi’s hand on her shoulder startles her, and her cheeks flush a bit in embarrassment. 

“Hey, we’re home...You alright?” Yachi asks. Kiyoko smiles and nods stiffly. 

“Just a bit tired, is all.” She says. It’s not entirely a lie; she’s exhausted from the long day she’s had, and just wants to curl up in bed with her girlfriend. “Let’s go.” 

Opening the door on her side of the car, Kiyoko makes her way around the car and onto the pavement in front of their apartment building; she holds a hand out for Yachi when her door opens, which Yachi takes with a smile. They walk to the elevator in silence. Kiyoko uses her free hand to press the button for the 20th floor, and they start the ride up to their apartment. At first, it’s just as quiet as the walk in, and then Yachi starts to hum the same song playing in the elevator, quiet but still there. Kiyoko feels a soft smile tugging on her lips as she listens to her girlfriend. The elevator dings, and the doors open, and once again they’re walking; it’s a short distance down the hall to their apartment, but Yachi hums the elevator music still as they unlock the door and step in. 

There’s no need to call an “I’m home!” as the both of them are coming in together, and the apartment is silent in return. Yachi lets out a tired sigh, her shoulders slumping as she slips her coat and shoes off. “It’s so good to be home~ I love Enno-san, but that shoot when so looooong! I almost fell asleep during dinner!” 

Kiyoko chuckles and shakes her head, trekking up the small set of stairs that separates the entrance from the rest of the apartment. “It was a long day. I think I’m going to shower and go to bed. You going to join me?” 

“That sounds good. I can wait to edit this vlog until tomorrow.” Yachi replies, muffling a yawn behind her hand. She comes up the stairs a moment later, wrapping her arms around Kiyoko, who leads her down the hall to the bedroom. Yachi falls onto the bed with a soft thunk and Kiyoko smiles as she searches the room for her bath towel. She finds it hanging behind the door, and as she’s turning to go back down the hall to the bathroom, Yachi speaks up, “Hey babe?.. Are you really okay? You looked kinda upset in the car.” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kiyoko hums. She leans against the doorframe, looking over at Yachi as she sits back up, The look on Yachi’s face is stern, and Kiyoko hates seeing the worry lines creasing her forehead and between her eyes. “...I suppose I was just a little disappointed in myself today. I couldn’t seem to get my lines right at all.” 

“Hm? That’s all that has you upset? Honey, you did fine.” 

“I know I did fine, it’s just...I had hoped I’d be good at it, is all.” Kiyoko murmurs. She’s embarrassed to say it. Yachi is normally the one that’s insecure, she’s the one that’s supposed to be strong, and here she is embarrassed over one skit. “You and Yamaguchi-kun make it look so easy...Like how you and Yamaguchi-kun or Tsukishima-kun make it look easy to play an instrument...I can’t even read a script and make it sound natural.” 

Yachi frowns, standing up and crossing the small space between them. “You did just fine, dear. And-- And who cares if you’re not good at acting, or singing? There are plenty of other things people like you for.” She says. 

“Yeah, I suppose. I just wish people liked me for more than my looks...All I am is pretty and a little smart.” 

It’s true, even if she doesn’t want to admit it; Kiyoko only posts on her channel once a month, if that, and it’s all educational or how-to videos. She knows her following is mostly people who think she’s attractive, or Yachi’s subscribers who thought she had content similar to her girlfriend’s. How else does she have over a half a million subscribers? She’s not at all talented. 

Yachi lets out an “aww!” and wraps her arms around Kiyoko, who hugs back, although a bit surprised. 

“Wh- What? I said the truth.” 

“That’s not what anyone thinks of you! And if it is, I’ll fight them! All of them!” Yachi says, hugging Kiyoko tight. 

“I--” 

“Your worth is not dependent on your talents. I mean it.” 

“But--” 

“Kiyoko.” Yachi’s voice is strong, probably the most assured she’s ever been, and Kiyoko pauses in her objections. She rests her head on Yachi’s shoulder, hugging her tighter. 

“...How did I get so lucky?” 

“I ask myself the same thing every night. Now go shower, so I can cuddle my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend.” 

Kiyoko smiles as Yachi pulls away, her cheeks flushed. She supposes as long as Yachi loves her, she doesn’t mind if she’s the worst actor in the world. 

-

Mild Manga spoilers for the Asanoya drabble but like very mild. 

Asahi Azumane, despite his affluence in Japanese fashion, does not go on social media often-- that is, unless his boyfriend and avid world-traveller-slash-modern-day-adventurer is involved. Asahi isn’t able to go on every trip Noya goes on, since his days are busy, but he watches Noya’s videos whilst he’s away. 

Even if Noya calls and details his adventures, Asahi finds comfort --and occasional terror-- in Noya’s vlogs. Seeing Noya (and, on occasion, Tanaka) doing wild stunts in a foreign country is terrifying and sends Asahi’s heart racing. 

Asahi isn’t on social media. Which makes him even more concerned when he logs onto twitter and finds a two-day-old tweet from his boyfriend, the caption on a picture of bloody teeth in a hotel room’s bathroom sink saying “Lol @ tana_ryuu_vlog and I tried surfing in the HUGE tub in my hotel room....Didn’t go too great. Vlog where this happened coming sometime this week!” 

Asahi’s heart sinks and he thinks back to when Noya called him from Bali last night-- he hadn’t said anything about losing his teeth, or an accident of any kind. Yet here Asahi is, staring at the tweet with trembling hands. He doesn’t even noticed he’s exited out of his twitter and into his phone dialer until he sees Noya’s name on the screen, the call processing. He holds the phone to his ear, trying to remember to breathe. 

“Hello? Babe, everything alright? You should be working right now.” Noya sounds tired, like he was asleep, and-- right, it’s only nine in the morning where he is right now. 

“I’m-- I’m fine. Are you okay? I saw your tweet.” Asahi asks, his voice quiet. 

“Huh? Which one?” 

“You tried...bathtub surfing...” 

There’s a quiet “Ah!” and Noya laughs, his tone light despite Asahi’s anxiety. “Right! That was so hilarious, babe, Ryuu lost his two front teeth! Ennoshita-san is going to kill him!” 

It takes a moment for Asahi to process. When he finally does, he blinks. Once, twice. “I-- What?” 

“Yeah, we have ‘em in a glass of milk, he’s going to an emergency dentist across town right now to see if they can put ‘em back in, or if he’ll have to get an implant in when we get back to Japan.” 

...Sometimes Asahi wonders why he loves him so much. 

[pawacelsus]

How do you make friends within the Darkest Dungeon fandom without joining a Discord server? I have major Discord anxiety (and some for Tumblr as well, hence why I’m on anon) but I still want to make friends and I don’t know how :(

Honestly, I get you there. I’m not apart of any discord server either, and even ones I’m in with friends, I’m barely active in them. So right off the bat, I feel ya. I’m gonna put most of it under the tags, but! I’ll see what i can do to offer advice! Warning, it is a bit rambly because I’m pretty bad at making friends too--

The first thing to note is that on the tumblr fandom, it’s honestly pretty chill. Cannot say anything about twitter or reddit or something else but on tumblr you mostly see shitposts or REALLY fantastic fan creations. I’ve only been here a couple years, but I haven’t seen any sort of major drama that would indicate this fandom being toxic (though feel free to correct me, I keep to myself most of the time).

My biggest advice? Making a sideblog/some sort of separate entity from any sort of main and then just start posting! I’m a bit more passive when it comes to interacting, most of the people I talk with being people who followed me from the beginning, or mutuals on my main. Of course, some of them aren’t! You’re probably gonna come across a couple people who are more willing to start conversations if you go the posting route, and that’s great! All you gotta do is be willing to post a couple of shitposts and put something nice in the tags (honestly, even just a keyboard smash or a nice compliment is a good way to go).

However, the sad fact of it is, you gotta put yourself out there a little. Maybe send people you admire some nice anons, form a little friendship that way (become recognizable, maybe sign off with a tag, maybe constantly send them cursed things that make them want to bash their head open /hj), and then as you become more comfortable, you can message that person through dms and chat more that way! I’ve gotten pretty good at telling which anon is which, and from personal experience, it’s always fun receiving a message from them. Even if it’s just “Hey, I love your blog but too nervous to tell you off of anon, I like [this],[this], and [this], about it, tell me [insert random question],” it’s gonna be a good way to judge. Then, you can always go “hey, it’s the [insert thing you mentioned in previous ask] anon, how’s it going?” It’s a good way to start a conversation, and you can still remain anonymous and not have to worry! I actually did that to a mutual on my main, though he isn’t using tumblr that much anymore :pensive:

Of course, we all got a common thread of interest here: we all have a love/hate relationship with this stupid game about stress and horrible eldritch monstrosities. So when in doubt, you can bond with people that way. Just reblogging a post that doesn’t have hundreds of notes and agreeing with them (again, even just in the tags) can be a good thing.

This is a bit hard to follow because I struggle with cohesive thoughts, so tl;dr: If you’re open for posting and such, maybe make a side blog and go from there. Reblog posts with additions (or even just in the tags, that’s what I do!) and eventually you’ll find a small community! Or, if that’s a bit daunting, then you can keep going the anon route, let yourself chat with a few people in the fandom that way until you feel comfortable enough to maybe send dms!

it’s a hard thing for sure, but the community is welcoming and I’m sure you’d be able to find plenty of people willing to chat and make friends! My dms are always open as well, anon! And if you’d like, I could point you to a few friendly blogs that I’ve come across in my little while being here! 

Hope this didn’t come across as condescending or anything, I’m just trying to offer advice from my own experiences as somebody who deals with anxiety and cannot, for the life of me, function on something like discord (if i come across as anything other than a horribly nervous mess that will cry, then I’m doing something right i guess-)

Anyways, I hope this helped, and if you want more/need me to try and rewrite this, I will! It’s late and, again, I struggle with giving a good answer about nearly everything--

[australian-desi]

Rest In Peace ~ Sushant Singh Rajput

Hey guys, I was going into a spiral thinking about SSR and everything he went through and I needed somewhere to write my feelings down. There’s so much noise about this on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I didn’t want to add to the noise, bashing and overall negativity, so found this to be the best place. I’m sorry in advance if I offend anyone. This is going to be very long. 

Sushant Singh Rajput the Actor and Human:

I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t his biggest fan, not by a long shot. I watched him in Pavitra Rishta every now and then because my mum was obsessed with that show and I used to be confused as to why everyone was obsessed with Manav and Archana - I was 12 years old when the show started and just felt it was another saas-bahu serial. However, to this day it amazes me how Manav and Archana were able to capture their audience for three consecutive years when their story was another saas-bahu serial. It was obviously the actors portraying them, and it takes a lot to grab someone’s attention and keep it on yourself. SSR had that energy. I remember then he came onto Jhalak Dikhlaa Jaa, I watched that show quite religiously because of my love for dance, and was bowled over by how good of a dancer he was. He had perfect lines, and his posture was amazing, I was in awe every time he danced. I remember that in that show he proposed to his then-gf in the cutest way possible, a proposal that is etched into my mind till this day. 

He then left his daily soap, for a career in Bollywood, it was a very risky, bold move because it is a well known fact - Tellywood actors, are rarely able to make good careers in Bollywood. Most of them become irrelevant after their first or second movie. But man was everyone wrong about Sushant. I didn’t watch Kai Po Che, but I remember the buzz around it at the time, everyone was talking about it, and it was one of the biggest movies of that year. He then did Shuddh Desi Romance - a movie I was inclined to watch because he was in it, I was slowly turning into a fan, but I didn’t get the chance to watch it. Then came PK. When PK’s trailer was launched, SSR’s cameo was kept a secret, I remember I was in the theatre and he came onto the screen and absolutely owned it. His performance as Sarfaraz won me over, and a smile still comes to my face when I remember him in the song “chaar kadam”. SSR had an amazing screen presence, he knew how to keep the audience’s attention on himself and a lot of the time you would forget this Sushant Singh Rajput, in fact you would only think of him as his character. The brilliance in his craft was the ability to become his characters completely, to the point you think of them as a real person. The next movie I watched of his was MS Dhoni - a movie that became a sensation. Everyone who went to the movie as Dhoni fans, came back as Sushant’s fan. He deserved that and more. You could see his hardwork, his passion and his dedication in everything he did. I remember when the trailer for Raabta dropped, I was super excited two of my favourite actors - Sushant and Kriti had come together. At that point I started watching more interviews of him and got to know him a little from what he portrayed as a person. Raabta flopped at the box office, however, personally I enjoyed it and I was amazed at the chemistry he had with Kriti Sanon. In Kedarnath, I was so excited that Sara Ali Khan was doing her debut with him, and man both did not disappoint. Kedarnath was an amazing movie and Sushant portrayed his character with utmost conviction. Chichore was the last movie I watched of his and I absolutely loved the movie and him in it. The themes and overall message of that movie hit deep, and it was intelligently made, with comedy mixed with the darker themes, but not taking away from the main message they were trying to convey. Overall, even though I wasn’t a fan of him at the start of his career, he had won me over. 

I also started adoring him as a person. His love for physics and astronomy; his eyes full of curiosity and enthusiasm towards the great unknowns. He didn’t finish his engineering degree, but the childlike wonder he had towards science made me excited as a scientist myself. He showed everyone that he had a brilliant mind and I’ve said this before and I’ll said it again, actors who are educated and well-spoken make me respect them more, they have a different way of thinking, they are eloquent and they show how much education can do for a person. SSR had all of these qualities. I could hear him speak for hours at a time. His instagram posts were always so deep and meaningful, it would make me thing differently, and his 50 things bucket list inspired me to no end. Especially how much he wanted to do for other people and how much he wanted to grow as a person. He also had an infectious smile, his smile used to make his fans smile and it takes a big person to do that. 

SSR’s Death: 

I was doing an assignment when one of my friend’s had sent me the news. I thought it was a hoax at first, but then I googled him, and it was true - Sushant Singh Rajput had committed suicide. Honestly, I’ve been distraught since then, I cried multiple times, and I can’t stop thinking about him, the pain he must’ve felt in order to take this decision, and whenever I saw his sisters or dad I cried even more, the sadness and despair I felt would be nothing compared to theirs, especially because his death was preventable. I’ve never been depressed, I’ve had my fair share of panic attacks and anxiety but I don’t know what depression is. I only know what I’ve studied, that people who are depressed have physiologically different brains to people who are not, they have decreased levels of oxytocin and serotonin, and that they have less grey matter. I’ve also been told that this causes them to not be able to function, they sleep too much, become unable to socialise, and their brain starts to turn them against themselves. However, I believe that there is always an underlying cause of depression. There are triggers for depression, a person doesn’t become depressed over nothing. I know everyone wants to know the trigger; why did he take such a drastic step, but he didn’t leave a note. He left with silence. I know it is difficult, but I feel that we should respect that, however, we should not let him die in vain. 

But I’m going to be real here IT IS NOT OUR PLACE AS THE GENERAL PUBLIC/AUDIENCE OR FANS TO GO ONTO OTHER CELEBRITIES TWITTERS/FB/IG AND CALL THEM MURDERERS. How dare we think that we can blame other people for someone’s death. I don’t care how these people treated him while he was alive, let them mourn him in peace. His death has taught me one thing, not one person is toxic, not one industry is toxic, all of us are. The person who is now checking up on every single person that they usually would not care for because of guilt, the girl shouting all over my timeline that Karan Johar, Deepika Padukone and Alia Bhatt murdered SSR, the boy screaming that x person didn’t post about his death they wouldn’t be affected by this or they don’t care. Every single person. Everyone needs to stop with raging on social media. They need to take a step back and breathe, and mourn and let others mourn. 

My take on Nepotism and Bollywood: 

Here’s the crux of the issue. Bollywood. I’m your average desi girl, I’ve grown up watching bollywood, being obsessed with it. To the point that at a certain time I only watched Bollywood. Then the whole nepotism scandal hit. I remember thinking to myself then, what’s the big deal? Also did people really not think about this until an actress had to come speak about it on national television? Did no one realise that Bollywood has been preferring starkids over other talents for decades? I used to think that yeah, Bollywood has nepotism, but where does nepotism not exist. The truth is nepotism exists everywhere. A doctor’s child becomes a doctor. A business man’s child becomes a businessman etc. But here’s the thing, the doctor’s child has to work towards becoming a doctor, he/she has to go through the same steps that other non-doctor children have to do. The only advantage they get is, that their parents might be able to help prepare them for what’s coming, and it’s not like every doctor has doctor parents, both people get equal opportunity. The child of a doctor just has more insight. However, in Bollywood, there is no equal ground, it isn’t as if a starkid only has it easy to get their first movie. Nope, they sign their second or third movie before their first one releases. Take Sara Ali Khan for example, she had already signed Simmba, before Kedarnath had released. Now take Anushka Sharma, she didn’t get her second movie two years after the release of her first one. Nepotism does exist, it will exist, but in other industries, the people who aren’t a product of it are still able to get promoted, to do good work and receive equal opportunity. However, in Bollywood this is not the case. It has never been the case. This needs to change. This needs to desperately change. Especially because nepotism didn’t use to be as bad, as the products of nepotism were still talented, but now, they are not, and SSR’s death can bring this change, because Bollywood is losing it’s credibility, and as I consider Bollywood my own, my home, I want it to do better. Actors who come from non-film backgrounds and television deserve to share space in mainstream cinema with those who do come from film backgrounds. 

Where From Here

In the past couple of years, we’ve become a horrible society. We pretend to like people when we meet them, and then bitch about them behind their back. We also think that whatever comes to our heads we can say to whatever celebrity the way we want because them being public figures is an open invitation for us to say hurtful things to them which normally we would not say if we meet them in person. We are the people who cry about nepotism, and then when a movie doesn’t have a big star in it we go “we’ll watch it at home, if we have time, why waste money going to the cinema”. We are the same people who cry about mental health issues and to raise awareness, when we think its absolutely fine to give a celebrity death threats because of a comment they made. We are also those people who cry about how SSR was treated unfairly, when we had a chance to go see his movies but didn’t. Who gave us this authority to be able to judge? Who gave us the right? If we won’t talk to other people with such disrespect in real life, why can we over the internet? WE. NEED. TO. DO. BETTER. AS. A. SOCIETY. 

We need to stop shaming people, we need to support artists that aren’t star kids, but also support star kids. They don’t deserve the hate they get either. It isn’t completely their fault that they are given more opportunity. It’s our fault too. We are the ones who make them successful. Directors know that they could sell more tickets with Ranbir Kapoor on the poster than Sushant Singh Rajput, even if Sushant Singh Rajput is a better artist. We need to support both talents. We need to show filmmakers as an audience, that both artists should be given equal opportunity. That the only thing nepotism should do for a starkid is just give them insight on what a life of an actor is like. That is all. They should also go to auditions, they should also be accepted or rejected based on talent. And for the love of god, we need to stop getting celebrities to judge other celebrities based on acting skills and sex appeal. it’s 2020, we can do better. 

Also to anyone who’s having any sort of dark thoughts. Please, I beg of you talk to someone. There is someone who loves you; your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, family, that brown guy in your dms. And if you truly don’t know anyone that you can talk to, talk to a therapist on a free hotline. My inbox is also always open if you want to chat. 

To Sushant Singh Rajput - I will miss seeing you at the movies, your smile and your interviews, and how much of an inspiration you were to me. I hope you are at peace now, and finally found happiness. 

For anyone who read this - thank you for reading my absolute ramble and I hope I made sense 

Here’s a dumb joke to make you hopefully smile a little, or at least roll your eyes: What do you call bacteria found in Agra? Agraculture - does this even make sense. IDK. All I want to say is, that I’ve been an absolute dukhi aatma for the past couple of days, and now its time to smile, and look at some positives.��

[theswansystem]

Hey! So I figured we should probably have an intro post and since no one else jumped up to do it, I thought I should.

There’s a lot of info under the thing so, like, idk - have some chocolate if you actually read it all LOL

- Asuka

So... A little background first:

We became aware we were a system when we were in college in 2019. We were officially professionally diagnosed in December of that year and we’ve been working with therapists (and each other) since then.

The system has gone though a lot of changes as we’ve started healing, dropping from nearly 50 members to just the five of us. Right now, we’re thinking that the brain basically shook itself out and chose the five most effective characters it knew to be alters.

This most recent shakeup combined with our autism/ADHD likely accounts for how fictive-heavy our system is.

Without going into too much detail, the current system covers all of our currently known trauma, which we seemed to struggle to do before, constantly splitting or discovering fragments that dealt with highly specific emotions or reactions that we had no context for.

TL;DR: The system has changed a lot, but it feels much more stable now.

-------

Meet The Current System

Asuka Langley Soryu

14

she/her

lesbian

atheist

protector

rsd (rejection sensitive dysphoria), possible npd (narcissistic personality disorder) and ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

likes: video games, tech, drawing, sparring/fighting

dislikes: men, being criticized, being spoken down to/treated like a child

okay talking about source? Yes

aesthetic: reds and oranges, ufc stuff, summer

blog: sonnenbluemen.tumblr.com

-- cw: nge, occasional venting

emoji: ❤️

Kaori Miyazono

16

she/her

aro/ace

christian

social alter

fnd (functional neurological disorder), mmd (major depressive disorder)

likes: music, art, cute games, sweet things

dislikes: having to wake up early, being overheated, when her legs stop working

okay talking about source? Sometimes.

aesthetic: pastel, cute

blog: faewithaviolin.tumblr.com

-- cw: hospitals, menhera stuff

emoji: 🌸

Yuri

17

she/her

biromantic asexual

trinitarian witch

trauma holder

gad (generalized anxiety disorder), mdd (major depressive disorder), ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified), possible pnes (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures)

likes: reading, writing, horror novels, surrealist literature, tea, chocolate, 'creepy-cute' things, dogs

dislikes: her triggers

okay talking about source? Not usually...

aesthetic: dark, romantic, witchy

blog: disquietingcontinuity.tumblr.com

-- cw: traumacore, disordered eating/thinspo, dark academia, general horror content

emoji: 📚

Victoria Androva

30

she/her

transgender (MtF), lesbian

christian witch

caretaker

prone to headaches

likes: planners, gardening, organization, cats, tea, herbalism

dislikes: clutter, loose ends, when pens run out of ink halfway through a sentence

okay talking about source? I guess.

aesthetic: Elle Woods but in blue

blog --

-- cw:

emoji: 💠

Shougo Makishima

approximately 28

he/him

aromantic homosexual

agnostic

protector

low empathy

likes: reading, martial arts, good wine

dislikes: boredom, most people

okay talking about source? On occasion.

aesthetic: dark academia

blog: --

-- cw:

emoji: 🍷

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here’s a list of all our illnesses/issues/stuff we deal with so y’all know when we’re in our lane or not. also, you’re totally welcome to talk to us about anything listed here - or about whatever you want really! we like educating and we’re pretty hard to offend. /srs

we have/deal with:

ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)

-- RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)

DID (dissociative identity disorder)

MDD (major depressive disorder)

autism

anxiety

selective mutism (alter-specific)

self injury (alter-specific)

EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified - alter-specific)

insomnia

low empathy (alter-specific)

occasional possible paranoia/delusions (a lot is unclear about this rn)

chronic pain/muscle aches (likely depression-caused)

FND (functional neurological disorder/conversion disorder - alter-specific)

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Follow Us!

Twitter // Pinterest // Instagram

[tafferling]

%!0$#

Two days ago, a morning scroll on Twitter led me to a retweeted PSA. It was all pro-love and can be summarized to:

Go find someone to spend your life with. Being lonely is terrible and only gets worse as you grow old. Don’t be alone.

I’m 38. I’m alone. And I’ve previously struggled with this so much it almost killed me. But I’ve managed it. Sometimes pretty well, too. Sometimes less so. Unfortunately, that day was already a bit touch and go, so as you can imagine the message was ill timed and ultimately very damning. 

It hit hard. I fell hard. Things got a little out of hand. 

That it was the 23rd of December. Around that time everyone’s all about spending time with family, which didn’t help. It made it so much worse. I can’t go visit my family. And even if I could, we’re pretty estranged, even if I am finally now (at almost 40) making progress with my mother to the point where we don’t argue every time we are on the phone. We’re just fundamentally different people - and that’s not what that message was about anyway. 

Don’t be alone when you’re old. 

I so often get reminded that this world is built for two and that being by yourself is not desirable. Something I get shown every time I’ve tried to step out of my comfort zone and tried to do these social gathering things with the few friends I’ve made here in Sweden. Ultimately though, the topics shift to something “everyone” can relate to. Family. Kids. Way too often someone then looks at me and goes “When are you having one?” and there goes the will to ever do that again.

Before that, I often got asked: “Have you tried Tinder?” Which, yes, yes I have. It’s just I’m Ace and people don’t dig that, so I stopped a couple of years ago.

“What’s Ace?”

“Asexual.”

Cue confused face.

“I don’t like sex. I don’t want to have sex.” (The only sexual attraction you’ll get out of me is towards fictional men, but that’s not something I’ll try and explain over a dinner table with a bunch of couples judging me. “But Taff, why do you go out with couples?” you may ask. ‘cause they only go out in pairs, because that is what you do.)

It also doesn’t help that I am not very good with people.

Or that I have social anxiety (which, granted, I have managed to get therapy for and I can actually function again now! Woo!).

Anyway.

Stop signalling people are less just because they don’t come in pairs. Stop making points that it’s the End Game and that all hope is lost if they don’t get there. 

I’ve been happiest alone, but with love in my heart. Love for someone an ocean away. And, yes, love for someone who’s only come alive in my imagination, where I get loved in turn.

Yet, the world is relentless. It tells me I shouldn’t be happy. That it shouldn’t be enough. It says it over and over again, and so of course I doubt. My resolve cracks and it all falls apart, because you’re not supposed to be alone. 

I sat in my fucking closet for two hours that day crying my eyes out and really nots sure how I’d ever get up again.

But you know what? Fuck you. 

Fuck you, whoever you were, for dropping that on my Twitter timeline. 

Fuck you, world at large, for touting you’re best enjoyed in pairs.

I don’t need your End Game. Your ‘you’ll understand when you have children’.

Because I’ve got everyone I need to share my life with already - and no one’s got the right to invalidate my choices just because they don’t fit a pathetically narrow view on desired relationships.

. . .

Okay, I think I feel better now. Thanks for coming to my taff-talk. I guess. 

Carry on.

I’m going to play some Cyberpunk now, because guess what, I’m happy there. 

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

SOCIAL MEDIA, MISINFORMATION AND CORONA VIRUS ANXIETY

Some advice on how to figure out if frightening news and information is accurate

Hey hey fronds!

What’s great about now is that while I’m stuck in my house hoping no one brings the virus home with them, I have access to all the social media and news apps to keep me informed about what’s going on. BUT social media can be both a source of stress increase and stress reduction.

A lot of people are taking a break from their social media, because seeing all the updates is making them anxious, and that’s a valid choice. Personally, I like to have all the information, as much of it as possible, and for me that means more social media use, not less. But it’s really important in a time of crisis to mediate WHAT information you’re getting and I’m seeing a lot of misinformation on my Facebook timeline.

Having incorrect information is not helpful - it could increase your anxiety, it could put your health at risk by giving you innaccurate information and some of it is put out there maliciously and is actually very dangerous. It’s so important, and helpful to your mental health, to get your information from a reputable, verifiable source. Here’s a few tips for how to do that.

If you see an image about COVID-19 / Corona Virus on social media, whether it’s about recognising symptoms, or what to do if you think you have it, how to self isolate, what the infection rate is in your country, anything like that, take a close look at it:

Who posted the image originally? Does it come from a Facebook page with a pretty good reputation like BBC News or even the World Health Organisation (WHO) themselves? Or was the original poster a meme page, or the personal page of someone you don’t know? If it was posted originally by the verified page of the WHO then it’s much more likely to be legit. 

Is there a logo or credit note anywhere? The image posted by the meme page might well be real, and if it has the WHO logo on it, for example, that’s a pretty good sign. But remember that images can easily be changed. If you think it seems suspicious, go directly to the social media or website of that organisation, or do a reverse image search. If it’s legit, you should be able to find the original.

Check if there is a date. Information about COVID-19 is rapidly changing. They still don’t know that much about it and there’s been details that change daily. If an image is a week old, the information may not be reliable anymore. Can you find something more recent on their website?

If you see a news story about COVID-19, then you can do a few things to check on its accuracy too:

Look for where the story is published. I won’t get into media bias and my personal opinion on what organisations are trustworthy and what aren’t - we could do that all day. BUT (as a general rule) you want your story to be on the site of an organisation whose primary function is the reporting of news. So, let’s take the imaginary website funnycatstories dot com - it might publish a story about cats being able to get the virus and give it to you. I would not trust that. If they have linked to a news site, follow the link and read the story there. If they have not linked to where they got this information, try a search engine or searching a news app.

What are the sources? Where did the journalist get their information? Are they quoting a doctor who is an expert? Are they reporting what the WHO have said in a press release? A press release is something that is sent out to all the media, with the key information in it that they can then use in their reporting. If that’s what they’re using then it’s probably pretty accurate.

You can always try verifying it by looking for other sources. If I want to say something in an essay, I usually look for at least two academic sources that have written it. Preferably three. You can do that with the news. Is it in three newspapers, with basically the same facts just written down a little different? Then that’s reliable.

Official information: Look... not every Government is going to give you accurate, reliable information. There are some that don’t want their citizens to know the truth. Others are quite open. I don’t really trust my country’s Government but I find my local Government to be pretty reliable and proactive about health information. My university is also very good, and they’ve built up my trust over the last few months by being informative and up front. So, that’s something you have to judge for yourself. But, if you are lucky enough to live somewhere with a Government that does the right thing by its citizens, then one really good mental health strategy is to ONLY look at official advice. That way all the scary rumours and uncertainty isn’t an issue and there’s only what you need to know. That works for a lot of people.

Personally - I follow a medical reporter/doctor who I trust on twitter. I also follow the local health department, and I regularly check emails from my university to see if there’s new information about what’s happening there. Those are my deliberate information sources. If I see something on social media, I do the things I suggested above - look at who publishes them, who writes them and try to verify them.

Having access to the most accurate information reduces my anxiety because then I know what is happening and I have a plan. Knowing how to verify that a story is accurate can help prevent anxiety because many of these fake stories are designed to be as alarming as possible - because they are clickbait and if they are scary, people click on them - so I never get anxious until after I check the accuracy of what I’m seeing/reading.

Also - one of the fake stories going round says you can kill the virus if you gargle bleach and NO YOU CANNOT THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS PLEASE DO NOT DO THAT.

If misinformation is making you anxious, I hope this has helped you some.

- The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer

[comradelionheart]

This is where I feel safest.

In the blueness of this site, held in comfort as if under my blanket of soft fur.

No one here will ever know who I am or the people I speak of. No one can find me here. I have a questionable habit of running off to avoid being witnessed when I fail or am in pain, and this is where I run to. It is luckily not a boy this time. Well, it’s sort of that too, but not predominantly.

I haven’t shut G out this time. When I thought I’d lost my shot at the job I deleted my WhatsApp and all other social media, and refused to surface until I was willing to face people again. This isn’t unlike when I graduated college uncertain of what to do with life next and just... vanished. I’d a pretty promising presence on Facebook that could potentially have introduced him and I sooner, but I guess life unravels at its own pace and nothing can force it to go sooner or slower. I’ve grown rather accepting of failures because I have unfortunately grown accustomed to them. It’s almost like I expect to meet with resistance or failure each time something nearly works out and in this case I can’t say I willed it upon myself. I literally tested positive for TB. Which is amusing since those are my ex’s initials, and is yet another TB which seems to be hampering my progress. 

Dry humour is what I’m best at if I’m being my authentic self. I must unfortunately smile and wave because I’m a woman and need to be likeable to get anywhere in my line of work. That isn’t to say I’m a sociopath or hate people. I just wish I didn’t have to pretend to be interested in their lives and feign amusement at their not so novel ideas. Pretty sure I’ve not so novel ideas too, but I don’t need to be indulged for the sake of my (not) fragile ego. Anyhow.

I applied for this job early in the year and didn't expect to hear from them (because the first few years of my work life had me flailing and coping with depression instead of steering my career, and I know I shouldn’t grudge her for this but I do). But I did hear from them. And everything went through. Including 3 rounds of aptitude tests and a personal interview (which I thought I bombed but didn't somehow). Until I tested positive on a skin patch test for TB. Why do these stupid standard sets of tests get prescribed world over? Honestly, if I’m ever supreme leader of anywhere I will ban standardised tests. Not in the way that I say medicine is a sham, not at all, but in the way that WE LIVE IN THE THIRD WORLD AND WILL OF COURSE HAVE TAKEN THE BCG OR HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE BACTERIA AT SOME POINT BUT IT’S NOT NECESSARILY EVER GOING TO BE ACTIVE SO USE A BETTER AND MORE CONTEXT SPECIFIC TEST INSTEAD OF GIVING ME ANXIETY AND EXISTENTIAL CRISES LIKE THESE, JFC. 😭😭😭

But I’ve taken the other test and that’s also got the drawback of being unable to differentiate between inert and active TB. So I took an HRCT scan. I’m so sick of running around hospitals, there’s a literal virus in the air. But Monday is when I’ll know the medical verdict. And then there’s the whole security check process. I hate when this happens but I’ve lost so much time to grief, I simply cannot sit around moping any longer. 

Earlier this year I interviewed with the **. I was given a verbal confirmation and had a text message implying an offer was made to me, because I received an acknowledgement to my acceptance of an offer. If I was the person I was in 2014, I’d have kicked up a fuss and made sure that offer was honoured, but 2021 me knows that working with bosses who go back on their word slyly and cave to nepotism usually need their cocks sucked. And I’m not only incapable of that, but have also dealt with enough workplace harassment elsewhere to be adamant about a brand at the risk of my mental health. But really, he can go suck it because I have confirmation from staff that he is EVERYTHING I read him to be. I’m not intuitive or anything, I just read people very well because I was hurt so bad by them (repeatedly since childhood) that reading people became a thing I did for survival. My sharp instincts serve me well, but are a trauma response. I am very self aware too, yes.

I then interviewed and got through an NGO that was willing to pay me 24L. I turned it down because the founders were running around like headless chicken with their inability to distinguish PR from Marketing Comms (me) from Marketing for business development. I know I was being paid a lot of money, but I will not kill myself performing all three functions while being acknowledged for just the one on my offer letter. I’ve learned to value my labour capacity and assert myself in the economic and political spheres. 

Personally though? I sometimes still think I’m a romantic pushover.

But this is about work because I need to weep a little before being calm about how this year has treated me. Especially since I’m maintaining a cool demeanour in public and literally hate sharing things I’m burdened with. Idk man, it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like feeling like I’ll get a knife twisted in the spot that's most sore. I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I HAVE LET G WITNESS ME IN PAIN THIS TIME INSTEAD OF RUNNING AWAY and will someday file copyright over An Enduring Romantic because that’s very honestly me. But ofc it isn’t going to be the legal Copyright, just the sham notice like the one I’d sent him to up his Instagram game. Or he could just operate my Twitter and I’ll run his gram. It’ll even feel natural.

Sometime around May an environmental journal asked me to come on board. Work from the office at the height of the pandemic with no travel compensation and very little money. I turned them down. Then came II**. Which I again turned down because they wouldn’t pay market rate for skills I’ve perfected in 4 years just because they wanted 8 years experience on paper for my quotation. I will do a lot for causes I love, but I also really enjoy being paid fairly and acknowledged for the value I bring to the table.

Then came the start up in Del. Which I turned down because the uncle running it in his wife’s name expected 24*7 labour availability for 12L with no health insurance.

The latest in my list of things I’ve turned down is the ** Gov. Which I can obviously go back to since my reason for turning it down was another job, but 14 days of leave all year? 7 day work week if needed? Hell no. I enjoy having labour rights. But also when I told the dude I’d be reporting to if I accepted that I cant accept due to covid concerns his reaction was “sure, send me an email so we can start looking for someone else immediately.” Like.... we just had a second wave, what if something was wrong? I wouldn’t risk losing my job because they expect work even if I were hypothetically coughing up blood. So best not to touch with a bargepole. Now I’m less sad, but also really hope the TB results are negative. This job I want and have said yes to ticks off all of the boxes in my head and I will truly be disappointed if I lose it to disease paranoia despite being completely suited and picked for the role 😞

Just to be on the safer side, I have taken one last shot at achieving my goal of ‘learn how political systems work so you know what you’re talking about first hand in that PhD.’ I hope my Plan A works out instead, though.

Since I’ve brought him up in this, it will be interesting to note that a year ago I did the erstwhile unthinkable act of cutting a friend of for attempting to steal a man I love. A year ago to the date, literally. Funny how this year is more calm, but I was maxed out on endorphins from him last year. Until this March even, if I’m being truthful. I don’t regret cutting her off.She crossed a vvvv red line. ALL my other friends are celebrating. They detested her. 

Another thing that happened last year was me letting him know that I only get hotter with time, but along with this work drama I have also had a run in with intense grief which I thought was a mood disorder (because it was intense, I mentioned?), cholesterol, thyroid, sugar addiction and now, le TB (PLEASE BE A FALSE POSITIVE YESU KRISTU HALP). So needless to say, I haven’t been most fabulous and undergone my physical transformation and these mental health struggles (are getting better now) strapped me to my couch along with the pandemic and its many lockdowns. I have also not studied for the GRE because I’m stimulus seeking via social media and fear of sucking at math has kept me locked in place. I still have a lot to work through on this front and would really like to make his cover right too, but my creativity isn't working and I keep fucking it up. I am not as spectacular as I was last year. The separation has also weathered my dazzle out a little and while I’m living with it, I still have small waves of sadness that show up once in a while.

I might have also accidentally flirted with someone into falling for me. It was all fun and games and for my pride, but now I’ve to gently let them down since I’ve cold feet and am chicken. Because I’m as emotionally unavailable as a streetlamp. Is this why they call me a Gurgaoni fuckboi?