#once again: no salt to people who like this stuff that's not what we're here for I'm glad it makes them happy

[martianbugsbunny]

What this website really needs is a button that will allow me to filter all y/n content out of my feed so I don't ever have to see it because I absolutely can't stand it, my ass does not want to be in a relationship with my favorite characters my ass wants them to be dating each other

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

Who is White?

If it is not I, your friendly neighbourhood non-binary deranged literature major, once again to tell you about stuff that the voices™︎ have prompted me.

This time, let's talk about the elephant in the room, the odd one out: Mr. White, a.k.a the fandom's babyboy.

(me as Fluke in this GIF, walking in ready to dissect this bitch)

So, what do we factually know about this man?

From what we're directly told in the show:

He's Tee's boyfriend, at least, since 12th grade, meaning they have been together for about 3 years, maybe 4 (depending on when exactly we are in terms of time in the present and when exactly during 12th grade they started dating).

He's younger than the rest of them, according to Por and Top in episode 1.

He studied at a different school from the main gang AND from Phee (yes, despite the embroidery having a similar colour, the writings where the institution's name should be are nothing alike, thus, not from the same place)

He cares a lot about his appearance (he does skincare when Por is literally dying downstairs and he sees a rash on his body while under the effect of New's absynthe - idk if it's absynthe or not but my friends and I have been calling it that since we saw them drink the green drinks so it's absynthe for me and there's that).

He's generally a very respectful person (he always speaks formally and nicely to everyone, even when people are hostile to him, like Tee or Fluke).

His fear doesn't seem to paralyze him in high-pressure situations (he strikes people with a tripod twice to save himself and others when he thinks they're in danger).

Another source could be the Yearbook, which, now, we have to be a bit more skeptical about because, as seen in New's case, it's not 100% accurate. One can argue that it is accurate because the yearbook would have Tan's info, since that's who he's living as and no one knows any better than that, including the institutions and, sure, yeah, fair. But while we don't know that White is hiding anything from us as well, we can't be sure of it. So, take the following with a grain of salt:

(translated with Google Translate)

His legal name is Watcharin Siriphan

He was born on the 25th of February 2005 (which confirms what Por and Top say)

His blood type is A (which according to the Blood Type Personality Theory means he is shy, stubborn, a perfectionist, polite and hard-working, apparently. tbh this thing is super shifty, no source seems to agree on the meaning of each type and, of course, it's a pseudoscience and all, so... yeah. take it as you will)

He's studying Software Engineering

He likes cakes

He dislikes cockroaches

He plays games and programs in his free time

So... We don't know much. He's the most generic person ever. Like... I too, and half the world's population, like cake, dislike cockroaches and like to play games. It's not exactly very special. Which is exactly why he is so intriguing. After all, we had 5 whole episodes so far, which were just the backstory of the people we see together in the mansion in the present. We've seen their personalities, their qualities and flaws, what they did and what they didn't do. We've been given a reason as to why they're here. Not just in the more direct sense of "they agreed to come here for Jin's goodbye party" but of why exactly they needed to be put all together in these conditions for this story. All except White. White is just... Barely an afterthought. We're shown when he comes into this story for the group (when he becomes Tee's boyfriend), but we're not given a reason so far as to why the narrative wants him there.

Because, sure, IRL people sometimes end up in random places and things can be pretty meaningless but this is a work of fiction. One that, evidently, has been greatly focused on details (Non's framed apple picture and Phee eating an apple alone, for example, or the correlation between the group and the colour blue). So why would it just throw us a character that is, seemingly, irrelevant to the story?

And to this, there are 2 possibilities my friends: either White is a narrative tool to get to the audience or White is not who we think he is. So let's explore it, shall we?

White = Narrative Tool

Let's start by assuming, possibly the most likely outcome, that White is exactly just a guy who ended up there due to his connection to Tee. Why would this narrative need that character?

Glad you asked. Because he's the only person who's 100% innocent. If he's just some guy who, as we've seen, keeps being respectful and nice and trying to always do the right thing, then he's got nothing to do with the others who, in different degrees are all guilty of something. He's the odd one out.

Because, yes, this is not a show of villains (at least, not in which concerns the main characters). They're all morally grey. But they have some drop of black that makes them grey.

Por is arrogant and a liar and selfish.

Tee is aggressive and manipulative and a control freak.

Top is an overall asshole and a coward.

These 3 actively bully Non. Por steals his work. Tee and Top blame him for shit he didn't do which puts in the situation where he owns Por and they spy on him. Tee manipulates him into mafia money laundry and threatens him.

Fluke is selfish and refuses to take action even when he knows it's the right thing to do.

Jin's doesn't have the capability to realize that the peaceful passive way with which he normally carries himself with won't solve the issue. Plus he's overly emotional. And a bit selfish too.

They didn't help Non when it was their moral obligation to do so. And Jin records him being abused by their teacher and possibly posts it online (though that's still up for debate).

Phee is too stubborn and also overly emotional and even overly empathic.

New is obsessive and vengeful.

Phee never really helps Non because all the ways he offers Non help are the wrong ones. He almost tries to control him. And he fails. And then he tells him awful things and breaks up with him in a terribly vulnerable moment for Non. And even when he regrets it and tries to bring justice to him, he fucks Jin because he wanted to and tries to cover it up as if it was part of the plan. Sure, they were broken up, technically, but Phee himself seems to have had "take-backies" over that breaking up. So, in his mind, at least, it's fair to say he cheats on him, which is very hypocritical after how he reacts to Non being abused. And New... He tries to help sincerely because he feels guilty but he only makes things worse. Nothing is solved and their father curses them both before committing public suicide at their mom's funeral.

Non (which may be even more relevant if he's still alive) is overly independent and uncommunicative.

He doesn't tell Jin he has a boyfriend when it's clear Jin's trying to make a move on him, event though Non's not interested. He hides very important things from Phee. He commits fraud (understandably, but yeah). And yeah, he's justified in his rage and attack but... Does he ever think of how his actions affect other such as Jin, for example, who, in his eyes, is innocent? Not really.

"Oh but White won't die!", I hear you say. "The innocent people never die in slashers!! Only the people who did the killer wrong do!" And that's exactly where I have to disagree.

So, amidst a sea of grey characters, White is, funnily enough: white. He's just good. He's done nothing wrong. And the narrative needs him because, when the others die, we'll feel (to different degrees, sure, but still, we will) that there's a reason. Even if we like the characters, those deaths will make sense. But what happens when an innocent man dies? What happens when you kill the man who wasn't even supposed to be there (he joined the trip at the last minute)?

As @syrena-del-mar says in this post: "DFF is more than just a 90s slasher film imitation". It "sits at a novel intersection of genre: horror slasher on the one hand and BL on the other hand" as @brifrischu puts it here and, for that, it bends expectations and rules and subverts what are natural tropes and events of the slasher archetype. White dying is the sort of thing this narrative, and our inventive genius Sammon, would do. Because... Do you really think they're giving us grey characters instead of black ones because we're supposed not to question this revenge? Because we're supposed to be happy about this? No. Of course not. That would be dumb. If we're meant to 100% side with the killer, then why give us likeable characters as the targets? Because, and this is as much speculation as it is reading the room, we're not.

This story, I don't know how it will end, but regardless I'm pretty confident it's supposed to tell us something important about cycles of violence: that they're neverending until someone chooses peace instead. That aggression and bloodshed and revenge... They won't bring time back, they won't undo the mistakes we make, they won't restore that which is lost, they won't make the grief go away... That they won't make us feel better. More even: that they will only hurt more people, create more injustice and prompt more revenge. And, thus, perpetuate the cycle.

So what's White's role? Being the final drop into our collective cup of realization (and perhaps the characters' as well) that this revenge mission is pointless and won't solve anything. White's role is to die.

"Oh, but uncle Dang was also innocent! Is his death not enough??", I hear you ask. And well... Maybe, maybe not. I think, honestly, his death is too impersonal for us to feel too deeply about it. Like, sure, yes, it is the death of an innocent, but it's a distant innocent. It doesn't make our blood boil because we don't know shit about that man. But, for all we don't know of White's past, we've seen him cry, we've seen him scared, we've seen him fight for his life, we've seen him be a good boyfriend and a good friend. He might just be some dude but we like him. He's the fandom's babyboy, as I said. It is more impactful and it tells the story better.

But this is just a hypothesis. And it might not convince you. And that's fair. So, because I'm a persistent obnoxious fucker with a little too much free time, I'm bringing you a second theory. For this one, though... You might need a little tinfoil hat... Be prepared.

White ≠ Who He Says He Is

So, if you think just having a character be hollow and pure good in a show of very fleshed-out and grey characters is weird, even if he might be narratively relevant, then we can only assume there's something important to White's character we don't know about yet. (I'm adding this in retrospective because I forgot but this idea came to me partially from @yellingaboutkp and their great analysis of horns in the show that you can find here)

But what could that be? We've seemingly seen all the flashbacks we needed from everyone, White doesn't seem very relevant to anyone's storyline but Tee's but... We'd assume if there was something directly connected to Tee's actions and White that we needed to see, we would've. Admittedly, the next episode seems to be on its way to tell us what Tee knows about what happened to Non and Keng while they were captured by the mafia and he could be there but I think, honestly, that it goes deeper than that. And here's why: because there's a person who's even more of an odd one out then White: whoever Perth's character is.

Now, he would've been completely unsuspicious if it wasn't for one thing: Perth's presence in the promotion of this series. He's just... Always there, somehow? Like, his character has only really appeared last episode massaging Tee's uncle but he's constantly talking about this series. Plus, his name is very well credited. AND, the absolute cherry on top, his character appears in THIS poster:

Now, yeah, I understand Marketing and Publicity (it's part of my Master's, you don't have to explain it to me). So, I know this could very well just be a strategy to sell the series. After all, Perth did get a lot of attention after The Hidden Character, I know, I know. It's also a way to put his name out there for other future roles, kinda like a soft launch. Plus, this is the show that killed Us's character first when he was one of the most popular actors in the cast. HOWEVER, I'd argue that, considering the previously mentioned attention to detail, they would not have given one of their rising stars a role in this series if it wasn't important. Like... No other background character without lines (so far) was given an important actor to play it. So pardon me, but I don't buy it. Perth's character's gotta matter somehow. And, back to what I was saying, I think the next episode will be exactly where.

See, I made a poll here on the hellsite asking what y'all think happened to Non. It's this one. And it shows that, overwhelmingly, we all think Non is alive BECAUSE he was helped by the man himself:

"Okay, Dante, but, even if that's true, where does White fit in all this?" Glad. You. Asked.

Now, if we're assuming Perth's character's the one that's gonna help Non (and possibly Keng or maybe not, idk and it really doesn't matter for now), we've gotta assume he's a possible suspect for the murderer. And even more so under this optic that Non is alive. Who more than a person whose whole reality seemed to be the mafia and who might've escaped it would be okay with murdering people? Right? Or, on the contrary, that he took a liking to Non and is trying to prevent him from further digging himself a hole in life and is trying to save him from himself.

You see, I didn't watch The Hidden Character (and those who did apparently recommend it stays that way). I didn't know any of these people before except those who were in Kinnporsche. And you know what that led me to? Curiously enough, dear reader: confusing Fuaiz with Perth. So, yeah, you know where this is going... White and Perth's character might be related. Brothers, probably.

"All because you think they look alike?" Well, if you ignore the way I just explained how it would tie some very loose ends... Yeah, kinda. BUT, in my defence, it makes a lot of genetic sense.

See, no other characters in the show really look this much alike. Believe me, I tested it.

For this purpose, I tried many different sites but the one that seemed to give me the most reliable results was FaceShape. Most characters got no more than 10%, some even got 0% (e.g. New and Perth's Character). And you wanna know how much White and Perth's character got? Nearly 50%.

For comparison reasons, New and Non who are CANONICALLY brothers, got about 30%.

BUT, if this is not convincing enough, my sister and I (who share EXACTLY the same 2 parents) got lower than them.

(pls ignore the picture, I was trynna make it as accurate as possible so I took a front pic with a neutral expression. also, my sister is censored for privacy reasons)

Now... Will I claim this is irrefutable proof? No. Not at all, but think about it: if White and Perth are related that might maybe explain how Tee and White met. It might also explain that really weird scene in the pre-release trailer (albeit all scenes in that are rather odd) where White-

Yes, thank you, Obi-Wan. And Anakin Tee is looking up at him, as if White has more power than Tee does. Because then, it could probably mean that White knows something and is probably there to do something. What exactly? Idk, man. He could be there to ensure the group remains clueless/confused or that they remain where they need to be for things to work... Or he could be there to try and prevent stuff from happening much to the likeness of what I stated for Perth's character's case.

"Oh, but if he knows something, wouldn't he know what happened to Non? Why would he be curious to watch the recording??"

Well, not necessarily. We know Non is not communicative and that he doesn't typically share his problems with anyone (the exception being Keng, obviously, but then again, the exception confirms the rule). And sure, Keng might be more talkative but idk if he would say something if Non asked him not to. I have a feeling he probably wouldn't (since he has that weird thing JJ mentioned about how he "loves Non" and, therefore, even if he's an abuser, he doesn't perceive himself that way and wouldn't do something he actively thinks would hurt Non). So, while Perth's character would know what happened to Non while he was being held by Tee's uncle and even some things about why he is there, he probably wouldn't know the rest.

But then why would he date Tee? Well, this is a narrative so... Foils are something that can happen. Having White and his relationship with Tee be a parallel to that of Phee and Jin is not weird and, in fact, has happened in the very first episode when both couples arrive at the room where the singles are, in pairs. Therefore, it wouldn't be weird to think of White as someone who maybe also fell in love with the guy that was supposed to be a means to an end or, alternatively, and perhaps more interestingly, have White NOT be in love with him and actually succeed, unlike Phee. Thus, drawing the comparison that, while Tee and White are in a relationship, White didn't fall in love and, inversely, while Phee and Jin aren't in a relationship, Phee did fall in love.

And this would mean that all we've seen of White's fear might, in fact, be an act to throw suspicion off of him. Or even more justified because he knows exactly what's lurking in the woods... After all, why would he suddenly join Jin's goodbye party if he's not a friend of Jin's? What reason better than to tag along your boyfriend's getaway with his friends if not to protect him from the terrible consequences of his actions?

But I get it. It's an extremely convoluted theory and, in all honesty, maybe makes the show more dull and boring if it's true because... Why would they repeat this "secret brother" twist? Or the dating with second intentions trope? It could be a narrative parallel, yes, but I can also definitely see how people could point that out as uncreative or lazy writing.

Either way: these thoughts were circling around my head and, before the next episode confirms or destroys them, I wanted to get them out into the world for y'all to, maybe, hopefully, join in on the hype for it, as it's less than 24h 'till it airs. Hope in that I was successful, at the very least.

Anyway... As usual feel free to (politely) argue with me, tell me I'm wrong, tell me I missed this and that, add to it, etc... Because if there's one thing I currently love more than DFF itself, it's definitely the fandom and I want us to make the most of it!!

I'll see y'all tomorrow when we're freaking out about episode 10!!!

All the love! 💜💜💜

[supercap2319]

"Dance with me."

Y/N turned to see Ikaris smiling at him, hand stretched out. Behind him the throng of people were dancing to the beat of the music. Something fast and catchy. Definitely something to get people moving on the dance floor. The only ones sticking out like sore thumbs were Y/N and Ikaris. The Eternal has a warm smile on his face.

Y/N was no stranger to the Eternals. They have been on earth for 7000 years. In secret of course, to preserve humanity from the Deviants, and all that they stood for. So, it was kind of surprising to see Ikaris here. The Eternal who betrayed his family and tried to destroy the world for the rise of a Celestial, was currently standing in front of Y/N.

"Hello, Ikaris."

"Y/N. How about that dance?"

"No, thanks. Dancing Isn't exactly my forte." Y/N admits. "I've got two left feet."

"I can teach you. You here by yourself?" Ikaris asked, eyebrows raised.

"Umm… no. Steve and Bucky are here somewhere. And I was just over here–"

"–What? Guarding the bathroom door?"

Y/N tried not to roll his eyes at that. "Funny. I just came here to watch them. They didn't exactly have stuff like this back in the day."

"Neither did I, and I'm perfectly fine by myself." Ikaris countered.

"Why are you here?"

"DJ. I'm DJing at this club."

"Why aren't you doing it then?" Y/N asked.

"Done for the night. Now, I'm going to drink and dance the night away. All I need is a partner in crime. Interested?" Ikaris offered his hand once again for Y/N to take.

"Why me? I'm sure you have a lot of other people who you could dance with."

"True. But you're more fun. Unless you're scared?" Ikaris winked.

"I'm not scared." Y/N huffed. "I just…"

"You can't dance can you?" Ikaris teased.

"Shut up!" The younger male growls.

Ikaris pays him no mind as he gets into his space and puts his hands on his hips and pulls him close as Houdini by Dua Lipa plays on the speakers. Time is passin' like a solar eclipse

See you watchin' and you blow me a kiss

It's your moment, baby, don't let it slip Come in closer, are you readin' my lips? Ikaris chose that exact moment to lick his lips and innocently bite them as Y/N looked up at him. "What the hell are you doing? This is touching without consent."

Ikaris rolled his eyes as he pushed their hips together and slowly gyrated them. "Oh, please. Don't start with that crap. I'm just having fun. Loosen up."

"I am loose."

"Oh, I'm sure you are." Ikaris smiled filthy.

"And we're done." Y/N tried to get away, but Ikaris pulled him back. "Look, I'm sorry. Please? Just one dance?"

He looks like a lost puppy dog with his salt and pepper hair and blue eyes. Damn him. Y/N sighed. "Okay, fine." He grabbed Ikaris's own hips and started to sway to the beat of the song. I come and I go. Tell me all the ways you need me. I'm not here for long.Catch me or I go Houdini.I come and I go. Prove you got the right to please me. Everybody knows. I'm not here for long. Catch me or I go Houdini.

Y/N puts his hands around Ikaris's neck and brings them both closer together as the Eternal's eyes flash gold and Y/N surged forward and kissed him. Mixing fingers inside his hair as Ikaris bites back with his own kiss.

[radioactivesweet]

Nicco is a certified bbygirl in my book LMAO

Any fun hcs you have of him? Or may I request a gender neutral reader x Nicco but it's just him starting to catch onto how often reader admries him when he's not looking? And maybe a lil bit of Ildio being like "you just noticed?"

I completely agree with you, Nicco is such a babygirl yes we're literally overlooking the fact that he is also a head of the mafia

Btw it's been a while since I've written something on here, so I might be a little rusty, hope you like it anyway ahahah

First of all, some fun headcanons, tho I'd define them more as random, I think. Since Nicco appears to be quite shy, I picture him as being the type of person who, when booking a table or even just ordering a pizza, will start stuttering and saying the most awkward stuff ever. He's probably someone who wouldn't complain if the waiter gives him the wrong order, even if it's something he doesn't like at all, he'll pretend it's fine - Ildio will end up eating his leftovers. Back from when he was an architecture student, I think he still gets really passionate about architectures in general. If you're visiting some place with him and you pass by some random building, he will start talking non-stop about it (you can clearly see how the architecture changed throughout the centuries, of course, it still contains some neoclassical elements, but it's mostly eclectic nowadays). And there's no way to make him stop. He probably cringes when seeing people putting pineapple on pizza and has at least once put salt instead of sugar in his coffe, in his defense he had just woken up.

Now, regarding the other part the request, here it is 💫💫💫

Nicco had never thought anybody would look up to him, admire him even. No way anyone would watch plain old Niccolò that way - it was just the way things were, he was unable to understand why his comrades, his family would see him as someone fitting to be a leader, he was so anonymous it hurt. That was probably the reason why he cared so little about his well-being, he was unimportant after all - yet everyone seemed to see something in him he couldn't quite figure out. And then there was you, the biggest mystery. Sometimes he would catch you staring at him and then violently look away, embarassed, then, he would too pretend nothing happened. Niccolò just couldn't understand what were you looking at him for, was there something wrong with him? Was there a problem with the clothes he was wearing? He would get paranoid over it, something must have been terribly wrong, there was no other option. From then on, sometimes, discreetly, he too would look back at you, even catching you again staring at him. Here he became even more confused - you were so interested whenever you looked at him, your eyes seemed almost shining. What was that feeling? Admiration, adoration, love? He couldn't quite grasp it. Ildio had laughed it off when Nicco frist brought up this subject, he seemed to find the matter extremely amusing. "Are you being serious? You just noticed?" Niccolò hadn't really figured out what he was supposed to have just noticed, but he finally liked that feeling of being considered. He wasn't just a wallflower anymore, he felt a little more worthy of whatever was going on. He just had to gather to courage to talk to you, but there was plenty of time for that. Patience was one of his virtues, one step at a time and he would've been able to reach out for you.

[final-girl96]

Firefly Chapter Fifty-Three

We tied the horses to a tree, making sure to leave it loose enough that they could get free if they needed to. We looked around to see there wasn't anyone on guard. “Something's off. Why isn't there anyone on guard?” We slowly made our way to the front of the building. The glass doors and windows at the entry were boarded up by plywood. When we walked into the lobby of the science building there were plastic totes and boxes stacked up in the middle between the doors and stairs.

I picked up a clip bored and looked at it. It was a checklist of things. “They were packing up to leave. This is a checklist,” insaid, handing it to Joel. “Hello! Is anyone here?!” Ellie shouted. Joel and I both shushed her. “We gotta keep it down. We don't know who might be here or what might be in here,” I told her. She whispered sorry and we headed towards the stairs. “Where do you think everyone went?” Ellie asked, quietly as we came to the second floor. Before either of us could answer we heard a loud banging coming from down the hall.

With Joel in the lead, we quietly and slowly made our way towards the sound. It was probably a stupid idea, but what other choice did we have? It could be one of the fireflies. We made our way to a classroom, and Joel slowly pushed the door open, gun aimed in front of him. When we walked in, we saw monkeys running about and knocking stuff over. I walked in further and looked around. “Fucking monkeys. Doesn't look like anyone has been here for a while,” I said.

“Let's look around and see what we can find. Don't wander off too far,” Joel said. I walked out into the hall and looked into the other rooms, going in and checking anything I saw that might give a clue what happened here. “Do you think They're still alive?” I wiped my head to the left and looked at Ellie. “I don't know. Maybe. I don't see any kind of signs of struggle but that doesn't mean something didn't happen. They were packing up to leave but why? That's the question. Whatever happened here, it happened a while ago.”

We continued going through the rooms, coming across monkeys once in a while. There were documents on the Cordyceps Infection and failed tests for vaccines. There were scans of people, infected, with different stages of Cordyceps. We looked through everything until we came to one of the rooms that had a white board with a map pinned to it. “Looks like they headed to Salt Lake City,” Joel said, pointing to the map where Salt Lake City was circled in red. “Looks like we're going to Utah,” I said.

We were getting ready to head back to the stairs when voices from outside floated up into the room through the broken window. Joel moved closer to look down at the ground, moved back, and put his finger to his lips. Ducking down we made our way out of the class room and down the hall. We were only a few feet from the stairs when we heard voices and footsteps coming up them. Joel quickly opened a door and pushed Ellie and I inside, closing it behind him and leaning against it to listen. When they passed the door, he opened it just enough so he could look into the hall.

One by one, silently, with Joel going first, then Ellie, and finally me, we moved out of the room and down the stairs. At the bottom Joel looked around before urging us toward the front doors where we came in. We got to the horses, untying them from the tree branch when yelling started. Then a shot went off and three men charged us. I pulled my gun, armed, and shot one in the shoulder, knocking him back. Another came up on Joel, who dodged the man's bat.

I shot the first one again in the leg and then shot another in the head before going to help Joel. He was struggling with the guy who had run at him. The man swung the wooden bat again, Joel dodged it and he hit the tree breaking the bat. “Yn, watch out!” Ellie yelled. Before I could turn around someone tackled me to the ground. We fought, rolling around, trying to get the upper hand on each other. I had no chance against him, he was bigger and stronger. He also had a knife in my face.

My hands wrapped around his wrist, pushing against him as hard as I could. My grip was slipping and the only thing I was able to do was move his hand down away from my face. He put all his weight down, driving the knife into my shoulder. A shot went off at the same time I screamed in pain, then he was falling off of me. Joel was standing above me and when I looked up I gasped. “Joel.” He looked down to where my eyes were fixed. The broken end of the bat was protruding from the side of his abdomen.

He stumbled back and I stood. “Joel, don't pull…” He pulled it out of his abdomen and threw it to the ground. Yelling got closer and closer to us. “Get on the horse, Joel!” Ellie told him, urging him to mount the horse. He did as told and she climbed up behind him. I got on the other horse and we headed towards the way we came in at. I shot at anyone following until we were completely out of sight.

Blood was running down my arm and hung limp by my side. We followed train tracks for miles before Joel started to slow down. Ellie was doing her best to keep him upright. I had come up beside them on the side Joel was leaning towards to try and help her. His skin had grown pale and clammy. I'm sure I wasn't looking the best either. The pain in my shoulder was horrible. With every bounce it shot down my arms and across my shoulder.

That all went away the moment Joel and Ellie's horse came to a stand still and Joel looked over at me before falling off the other side of the horse. Ellie yelled his name and got off the horse, falling to his side. I slipped off my horse, ran around to them, and fell to his other side. “Joel, look at me!” I said, grabbing his face to turn his head towards me. “Look at me, Joel.” His eyes looked up at me, his mouth opening but nothing came out. His eyes shut again and he fell unconscious. “Joel! Joel, don't do this! Wake up! Wake up, Joel! Please.” Ellie was shaking himself, tears coming to her eyes. “We can't do this without you.”

[blessyourhondahurley]

Suptober day 2 - Great Eggs-pectations

A fluffy little epilogue to last year's Fowl Play series, in which Dean and Cas take a big scary exciting step together as husbands and farmers.

Suptober prompt: Pumpkin Patch

(Read on AO3)

“Son of a bitch,” Dean hisses, careful to keep his voice too soft to reach the ears of his son, who's happily engrossed in killing some video game demons in the next room. He sighs and tosses his pen across the kitchen table. The terrifyingly official form laid out in front of him is pristine, untouched.

“Do you really think we can pull this off, babe?” he asks his husband for the fifth time in an hour. “We've been gettin' by alright just doing the farmer's market every week, and the pumpkin patch and the hay rides and stuff here every fall. What if we go all in on opening up this store and it flops?”

Even though he would be well within his rights at this point to roll his eyes or snap at Dean to just fill out the damn form already, Cas simply takes his hand and gives him a soft smile. “I never said it would be easy, darling,” he murmurs. “There are no guarantees for us in this life, of course. But we've gotten nothing but encouraging feedback about our plan from our customers at the market, the loan manager at the bank, our family, friends, loved ones... People are excited for us to open. I'm ready to make the leap. Will you leap with me?”

Dean looks into fathomless blue eyes and feels his world wobble on its axis. It's a familiar sensation, the dizzy wash of love and abject gratitude that he feels whenever he realizes once again that this is his life now: his gorgeous husband, their wonderful son, this thriving farm. It's been over a year since he's touched a gun, and even then he was using it to ping empty soup cans out back with Jack. The last time he bought a bag of rock salt, it was for their old-fashioned hand-cranked ice cream maker.

He's a retired hunter. He's a loving husband. He's a father. He's a farmer. He's alive, and he's here, and he's happy, so fucking happy. It feels dangerous to try for more, greedy. And no matter how hard he works to bury them, those old feelings of being a fraud refuse to lay down and stay dead. Does Dean Winchester deserve to thrive like this? Surely not.

He gulps, feeling the hot sting of tears behind his eyes. Cas stands, then tugs on their still-joined hands to pull him to his feet as well. Then he's being held, snug and warm in his beloved's strong arms. He rests his head on Cas's shoulder and breathes out as his tears begin to flow.

“Don't worry,” comes a whisper in his ear. “I've got you.”

“I know, baby,” he replies hoarsely. “I've got you,too.”

He pulls away just far enough to plant a soggy kiss on his husband's cheek.

“Thank you for putting up with me,” he says. “It's gotta be rotten work.”

“Not to me,” comes the reply with a quirk of those full lips. “Not if it's you.”

Dean huffs a laugh and swipes at his eyes with his free hand. “Okay,” he says firmly. “We're doing it. This is happening. We're gonna open our own little store. We're gonna sell honey and eggs and flowers and preserves, and your knitting and Jack's pipe cleaner spiders with the googly eyes and my hand pies, and it's gonna fucking rock. We're gonna pay back our small business loan and the mortgage on the storefront, and we're gonna put money aside for Jack for if he decides to go to college in a few years. And in the fall we'll have pumpkins and apple cider donuts and horseshoes and hay rides and the corn maze and make-your-own scarecrows. We're doing this.” As he speaks, he feels his own words buoying him up, filling him with a surge of confident energy. He sees this energy reflected back to him in his husband's gaze.

“Yes, love, we are,” comes the certain reply. The expression on Cas's beautiful face is resolute. He looks every inch the avenging angel he once was. Dean can never resist teasing him a little bit when he gets his serious face on like that.

“It's gonna be take a lotta elbow grease, though. You know?” Dean says with a grin. “We're gonna have to... work around the cluck.”

Cas does roll his eyes then, and shove him away. Dean goes with the push and pivots back into his seat at the table. Reaching for his pen, he fills out the top line in neat caps: FOWL PLAY FARMS MARKET.

[realitycanbewhateveridesire]

Hi sorry I only just started seeing people talk about reality shifting and was curious? What does it mean to you? When did you choose this? What is a DR?

look, i'm like the worst person you could've asked cuz i never really researched stuff much. i'm just vibing with the community. also, i'm tired as fuck and unable to think, so take what i say with a grain of salt. like i said, i'm the worst person to ask cuz i'm just "fuck it, we ball".

DR is short for desired reality, which is the term used for the reality you want to shift to.

as you perhaps already know from stumbling upon shifters, reality shifting is about "shifting" to a different reality. or rather, shifting your awareness to said reality. obviously, there's also belief of countless realities existing alongside ours including the "fictional" universes of books, movies, etc. and the belief of one consciousness kinda, that any of our dr selves (a person you intend to shift as) and our cr (current reality) self is one. everything, everywhere, all at once style.

again like pls, just ask someone else cuz idk shit and can't explain stuff to save my life.

also in regards to shifting, i know many anti-shifters compare it to psychosis. and it may have to do with part of the community normalizing harmful behaviors, especially tiktok and the 2020 shifttok era (which is often kinda ridiculed in the shiftblr community). from my experience with shiftblr it's way less of that (which might be both due to the nature of both social media and/or just simply passage of time). but then again, i haven't seen every shifting account so i can't guarantee you that there isn't any.

many ppl also have this kinda weirdly "moralizing" stance about shifting being a potentially "harmful coping mechanism" inflencing "impressionable kids and minors". which i kinda don't understand why is reality shifting often singled out. there are many other potentially harmful coping mechanisms that are common but not focused on. also personally, i believe that cringe culture and kinda "outlandishness" of shifting makes it easier for haters who just wanna hate (i'm too tired to find a more eloquent term) to do so, cuz we're an easy target.

also personally, while it might be not very moral of me, but i don't care about it being "potentially harmful". like i said, there are many other things that can become harmful when taken to extreme. it's true of basically everything. shifting is no different. which is why, i don't see why is it being treated differently.

just to clarify, i also do not think of shifting as harmful if you have a healthy mindset (which not to be a hypocrite, i probably don't have).

personally, i heard of many ppl for whom shifting helped them in their darkest moments. and i must include myself in that group. it helped me through a tough time mentally.

kinda contradicting myself here, but for me it is a coping mechanism. i discovered and picked it up at like 14-15, but haven't been that much dedicated to it.

for me, it also allowed me to find a community and sense of belonging.

i also believe that others can believe or do anything, as long as it doesn't others. which is in majority the case with shifting. and i wish many ppl had this kind of approach and left our community alone, no matter how "nonsensical" our believes are to them.

sorry for this rant not making any sense.

[exitwound]

Go to not smashin g windows with me brother

I FEAR I AM VERY SEVERE PLACE But who knows, Jersey's small and the scene is smaller. He sees Mikey Way everywhere. Mikey Way is a kiss-ass. Gabe is going to find some way to kill him and consume his power. People who matter get touched, like they're passing energy back and forth with the skin-to-skin, good energy that Gabe can feel giving him bounce and keeping him grounded at once. It's summertime, Mikey. You're either going over there-- or you're coming over here. I could taste it on his teeth, with sea salt and sweat on his lips. Cherry vodka margarita. That's Mikey Way. Gabe can't say he isn't in a hurry--he's always in a hurry, always, sometimes it feels like his heart is going to race until it explodes out of his chest with his need to go faster than this. He believes a lot of stuff like an electric coil in his chest, behind the muscle and over the heart. It burns and tears its way out when he isn't careful. I'm your exception to a lot of things, aren't I? I'm not afraid of anything, and you don't have any crazy that I can't handle. I hit him with my car. Is he okay? I don't know. I didn't check. Couldn't you see my fucking cigarette? He should be able to find Mikey by looking for a clump of people giggling and flirting, and Gerard by playing a game of "Which one doesn't belong?" I thought I was going home with you. Works for me. You're so fucking insecure, Saporta. He needs to be cool. It's a brother thing. Don't worry about it. I like you. Maybe it wouldn't kill you to be okay with that. Mikey apparently has a thing for winners. I need you to come get me, man. I got in a fight. Just a stupid hug and telling him everything's going to be all right in words that mean something between them alone. You tell me if there's anything I can do to help? I don't think there's anything. But if there is. You'll tell me? Yeah. Yes. The two pillars of his life: respect for the bullshit, and making his dad proud. No telling how long those are going to work as life plan. I feel like that about college. I know I'm doing music, not anything that needs a degree, but I've gotta see how it ends. I could spoil you for how it ends, man. I hate spoilers. When Gabe moves his hand to take a drink, his fingers brush Mikey's chest, over and over again. He feels better standing here with the music moving through him than he has in ages. He can breathe. There's nothing dark and cold lying in the back of his head. This is his place, his home. This is…ah, fuck. This is his beshert. His destiny. He looks up at Gabe, his eyes wide behind his lenses and his thick lashes, and yeah--yeah. That's love, Gabe knows it. The thing he is feeling is love. He knows it when he feels it for family and for the bickering voices over the parsha and for a crowd rising and falling with a beat and for music under his skin. And he knows it here, and that's the magic, the thing he suddenly knows as sharply as he knows his own breath--that it's all the same thing. I'm not that guy. I'm, like…I'm a vampire. I follow you around and live off that shit that you've got in you, I use it to keep me going, but I'm not one of you and I'm never gonna be.I'm not somebody who sticks. The fuck you aren't. You stick to me. You want to date him? I don't know. Yes. You fucking do know. You chickenshit. Mikey's head is tilted back, his eyes closed, his face open and relaxed and free. It reminds Gabe of the first time he saw the kid, and thought he should always dance. He was right about that. Maybe he'll be right about this, too. Trust me on this one, huh? I've got good taste. Is this what being stuck to you is like? Aw, Mikey. We're just getting started.

[dontstopthecoloronthewalls]

my thoughts on pumped up kicks being linked to the columbine high school shooting, and tcc.

so, earlier today i was scrolling through the "pumped up kicks" tag on tumblr. and i saw a lot of memes, i was laughing at them. until, i started seeing columbine. like, columbine edits and pictures of the two gunmen. i was disgusted, i didn't know that this song that was my childhood could be linked to something so terrible. i obviously saw the "true crime community" tag as well. i don't know what to think, all i'm gonna say is that this sort of stuff is the reason why chain reactions within the internet start.

another thing i would like to discuss here is where the fuck are these kids parents? they're obviously unaware of their child doing these things. even if they knew, then i don't know how the hell that doesn't spark up some concern. they have dylan as their pfp and that's not a fucking sign to think "holy shit, maybe my kid is messed up." like what are you doing? where's your damn brain for crying out loud? and a lot of them say they relate to pumped up kicks as well. is that not a clear enough fucking sign.

now, i do not blame the tcc for being in this community in the first place. i was at this stage of life as well, i understand the mentality. the stress and how much you relate to eric harris and dylan klebold. i used to as well, and you're not alone. this community has been standing since 2014-2017. obviously they're not going away anytime soon. we can report them, and see their accounts get deleted all we like. but, let's be real. they are fucking staying for as long as we're on the internet. hell, it could be 2027 and they would still be there. just search up #tcctwt on twitter and you would see so much of them. even the #true crime community tag is still fairly popular on tumblr. sure, their accounts were deleted by tumblr. but then again, they aren't leaving.

i am so glad i left tcc though, my mental health was just a wreck. i am now an ftp fan (i went back to being an ftp fan, of course.) so things should get better soon. but, the memories are still drilled into my brain. i still remember each and every single account who, these people, were nothing but kind to me. that's what made me stay. and then i slowly started to realize how toxic it can be. how much it can affect your brain, it's kind of like amino. we can take that for example, it's just sort of like a drug. because, once you're in the tcc. you are fucking in. you have this grip on it but, it's almost like all of us are unaware of it.

i'm not gonna tell these people to get help. i'm not gonna tell them "he/she murdered people!" because you guys already know they did. i'm just not gonna say anything anymore, it's obviously none of my personal business and it's not affecting me in any way, i'm just stating some opinions i have. this doesn't mean you have to leave the tcc, i'm not saying that. stay in this community for however long you like. just take what i say with a grain of salt.

i also don't wanna hear "why do you respect these people's decisions! they're terrible!" i do know the idea of it is terrible, i just see the reasons because i used to be in this community. i understand the mentality, and everything behind it. it's sad to even look at but what can we even do anymore? it's been 5+ years. we can't get them to snap out of it, we're all gonna have to live with it. just pretend they aren't even there. it's not that bad once you realize they're not harming anybody. it's an interest.

this is the end of the post, feel free to drop your opinions below.

[the-firebird69]

There's a huge deal and in Boston he's telling Robert de Niro that didn't the North end is nice he's lived there most of his life and that's dinero who lived there he says watch out for Grandpa's got two buildings in southie he's laughing cuz it's true he's really small but grandpa is not laughing

-we have several people looking for the materials for the roof and they're not here and it's supposed to be here today it's still early morning and they're on the lookout other than that we have a couple questions coming out and we're answering them we have some issues here I was trying to fix we also have a few jerks hanging around they were doing it yesterday and we're going to go after them right now we are making progress the diamond mining is going according to plan and is ahead of schedule will be done shifting 50 to 100 miles most likely by 1:00 p.m. and we'll start 100 to 150 and they're pulling out the spaceships faster than hell by noon 1 to 5 mi will be out and they will start 5 to 20 to make a long story short all the ships will be out and the diamonds and even the four pits and other pets probably Sunday morning and they might go faster Sunday morning is real fast it's already Wednesday afternoon almost and and that's less than a week once that's done they will try and move on to the gulf and the other minds are going just as fast in in the Gulf around it on the shoreline and they will start fighting over those those are pretty big they're in the bottom of the Gulf and it's diamonds other than the ones that plug and they come from the tree and The Roots and stuff and the asteroid is winning the golf and it makes them and it spits them up the sides as it's going down and they work their way out loud enough and this probably odd enough that's probably about 3,000 or 4,000 that are half mile and about 1,000 in a mile and 502 miles 300 at 4 miles and probably 28 miles and it's probably a hundred if they made 10 MI and there are going to be only 20 or so that are 20 to 30 miles but there's a there's a lot of time that's a lot of diamonds half mile diamonds are well sought can be used in chips 20 mi or bigger and they have a lot of them and these diamonds are pure and clear and the ones they have are much smaller and they're ganged up and it saves on room and they can use both it becomes much more powerful that's 20 miles s*** becomes as powerful as a three here 400 mi s*** it's just intense what's going on so it's competition it's going to be fierce and they're going to start right after they finish the shoreline and that's going to heat up everything and make it easier here and elsewhere and it's going to go pretty soon

-we're watching his diet and eating and buying things and he needs more funding rather soon he's going to get big is eating okay and it's not really digesting tons but the oxygen goes up and they just more and digest more and we're noticing the oxygen is going up and it's getting higher and higher everyday I know all that stuff is washing out down at the bottom of the river and the harbor along the edges is 5 ft left on the bottom it goes up to the end of the stuff it's about 8 ft but that's only on probably 30% of the harbor the rest of it's going to be clear pretty soon so he has a couple feet or so and it's flowing the river is clear in the middle and goes up to the edge 8 ft but every day is like a foot and it flows out and it's feeding it and the rest of Florida is the same and it won't stop it's going to continue as flowing again they will take time and salt and then I'll make it clear that's coming up pretty soon they can take him out while he's here and they'll take them out of those tunnels now and today and tomorrow they're starting on the inland stuff and the onshore stuff what's those come out and all that muck is going to be gone. The risk of flooding decreases greatly and contamination will decrease and the oxygen will increase and it's going to help.

-we're counting on them fighting over those diamonds if they don't this whole golf could drop in a couple weeks but both parties went to kidnap our son and they're different groups and they know it we don't see anything stopping that and it's really going to get an awfully nasty for both of those groups and they deserve it they're horrible to our son and these warlocks are going to be pushed out as they are being now by each other and them both groups will push them out it's on slightly but it's going on

-there are other things to announce but he thinks we should put it out there and we will

Thor Freya

Olympus

Zues Hera

[isaacathom]

its ds9 time once again, because like every two weeks i remember im meant to be watching it. s2e11

fun opening, unclear on the vibe but it is fun i guess. lot of essentialism going on-

hello obrien? hi. oh keikos in this episode. hopefully for good reasons. okay so we're playing downball with rackets. squash? is this space squash? space squash. i understand now.

i do like that the squad has a range of relations to each other, namely that noone actually seems to like bashir except for like, i wanna say dax, and im not sure thats genuine friendship as much as it was pity. i just think its fun. only person on this station who genuinely likes the guy is garrick, i think. and crucially that bashir is completely unaware that people don't like him that much. cause it lets him just keep going :) hello! and obriens over here like 'jesus christ this fucking guy'

i dont know what the plot of this episode is, but i do think this unwell alien immediately divulging his life story to this guy is incredibly funny

both of these actors feel very familiar in a way i cannot place. who are you fuckers. PRINCE HUMPER- wait no while thats a fascinating role i wouldnt know the fucker off that. no way i wouldve recognised him from that. i think maybe he just has one of those faces. ditto the dead guy. wild shit.

obriens impersonation of bashir was fucking hilarious.

while checking out humperdincks wikipedia i have been reminded of the actual plot of the episode, because netflix's summaries are honestly kind of rubbish half the time, and i see it is beginning. though i guess obriens sole opponent for space squash being the sector champion is the first point of bonkers luck, and 'no fucking salt' is the second. or sauce.

okay so the way the orb works is that if you win, it gives you good luck at someone elses expense. martus gets out of prison while bashir struggles to find a sauce dispenser. obriens gonna have a fucking heart attack while he gets rich, things of this nature.

martus, very charismatic fellow.

obrien mate surely theres a treadmill somewhere you dont gotta jog in the prom- hang on hasnt odo yelled at people for running in the promenade? obrien man being on the fucking executive committee doesnt get you exemptions. okay maybe it does but still come on. (bridge crew was the word i was looking for, "executive committee" isaac)

this woman is ALSO really familiar. who are you. noone! just another of those faces! jesus im being played for a chump. have i been struck by the bad luck orb????

so bashir isnt naive, per se, but he is focusing on one specific thing - obriens ego - and not on the fact obrien just doesnt like him lmao. incredible work. love you

hi sisko, been a hot minute.

"you begged me to stay" "i didnt beg i blackmailed you" sisko man youre the best

genuinely though like, the dead alien man that was probably less that he looked familiar and more a vague impression from the makeup, but martus and roana seem SO familiar, roana just has a vibe, its bizarre.

stepped on a ball midflight, exceptional.

i do enjoy that obrien just stomps around casually.

oh its just straight racquetball? oh so when i said it was squash i wasnt that fair off. ill be fucking damned. still space racquetball mind, also space something.

bashir looks so pissed to be swindled into this fight, like hhhhh i hate having a moral compass. i love that for him.

the running joke of people telling martus their whole life stories is genuinely quite funny.

head immediately into a tit, incredible work martus, and the wife arrives, the luck of the galaxy baby

WHO DOES ROANA REMIND ME OF. my god! fuck! like shes just so FAMILIAR. its gonna drive me nuts i have absolutely no way of figuring it out because shes predominantly a tv actress, and further that im not sure ive seen the person im thinking of in a movie or anything, just a gifset???? god. fuck man.

frame the fucking obrien/keiko scene, excellent stuff, genuinely love it, really sweet just MWAH. very nice.

bashir going ... okay so you tried to drug me, first of all, and NOW youre trying to guilt me into either doing it myself or playing like shit to fix the match. oh yea bashir. just going :) you guilted me once, quark, not a second time, that shits hot.

yeah the ep kinda bites. ohhh alsia. oh lmao.

yeah that episode wasnt good but bits were funny. shrug

[piplupod]

do u have any advice for someone with dissociative ptsd who’s like 80% sure he’s multiple. i honestly don’t know what to do because i keep trying to explore and learning absolutely nothing about what’s in my brain if u know what i mean. sorry this is kind of out of the blue

im going to do my best to keep this as concise as possible bc i am so prone to ramble fjdskl but i’d like to help if i can and i know long chunks of text are unappealing 

first thing is obviously the disclaimer of i am not a mental health professional or professional anything, i’m just a mentally ill disordered traumatised person/system, so take whatever i say with a grain of salt and also keep yourself safe, find professional help, etc. use your discretion when it comes to what we're saying here.

very brief rundown of my own experiences of system discovery: i looked into IFS therapy, things started clicking in the way of More than just IFS, a situation happened with a friend as witness where it was basically undeniable that we’re a system, and things just sort of kept getting explored and shoved into the light after that (turns out we had actually been looking into all of this stuff when we were 16/17 but had completely forgotten about it despite making several notes and messaging a couple people asking questions… good ol’ amnesia sdjfkl). so that’s the short version of our/my experience figuring this shit out in case that does anything to help.

so! with that out of the way, here’s what I’ve got for you! first off is to take it slow and don’t force anything (extremely frustrating advice, i am well aware fjsdkl), that’ll just make things more difficult and potentially cause you more issues. be gentle with yourself, and make sure you have a solid support system and that you’re in a safe situation before delving into anything. be cautious as you continue, and be open (and welcoming) if you do find any parts/alters/etc sharing the brain.

i feel like there is a good possibility that whatever you’re trying to figure out right now is either not meant for you at this moment in time or that (if you do have DID/OSDD) a gatekeeper doesn’t feel you’re ready for whatever it is. in that case, go at your own discretion ofc but just be extra cautious and maybe leave it to rest for now until things feel a bit more open and available (and obviously once again seek professional help if that’s available to you).

personally if i ever push to find something and i’m left drawing a blank, that’s always been our gatekeeper blocking me off from finding something. trauma is tricky to navigate, it’s easy to push too hard and end up in a worse spot than you were in before. but i absolutely understand the desire to know and understand what’s going on with the brain!

i think my only other piece of potential advice is maybe engage with systems/pwOSDDID online (or irl if thats available) and delve into some (more) research. educate yourself as much as you can about the experiences of having this osdd-1/did and about the medical terminology and research (i’ve got a google docs folder of some biographies and research papers if you’re interested). if you can’t know about your own personal experiences, it might still help to get to know about the experiences from a medical standpoint and from other people’s perspectives. and that may help you find more, as you may find you relate to things people are saying or feel something resonate with you and it’ll give you more leads (or perhaps lead you in the other direction, that you don’t have the disorder and it’s something else). if there’s a gatekeeper or protector etc blocking you off from figuring things out, doing this sort of research and engaging with systems/pwOSDDID might help them feel like you’re more ready for that sort of self discovery.

{Note from Nine: I tried to edit Juno's response down as much as possible lmao but it's difficult to get it any shorter than this. Quick POV from a non-host alter: if you do have DID/OSDD and your system-mates don't want you to know, there's probably a reason for that. It doesn't mean you CAN'T figure it out, but just be careful with it. We're obviously somewhat glad we know now so that we don't feel fucking insane, but it's really fucking hard to come to terms with and has caused us a shit ton of issues (and we often still struggle with denial). I'd honestly hesitate to do what Juno said in the last paragraph, but just like... go at your own pace lmao, use your own discretion. Don't get yourself in a bad place with this shit. Take it slow, make sure you're safe, don't push anything that will only end up hurting you more.}

[gentil-minou]

Puppeteer 2 is one of the best episodes for relationship development of the series

this is once again a plea for the fandom to get over a minute long statue scene that is honestly kinda funny to enjoy some of the beauties of the rest of this episode. I've seen so many people, even people who don't salt say this episode is a pass when you should definitely watch it if you love the love square

this is one of the best love square development episodes of the series and i see so many people discredit ot not realizing that all the salty takes on how the love square is a bad ship would be discredited by this episode and just....it's a banger of an episode

under a read more cause this post got long

for starters, the core 4 and djwifi interactions are godtier

THEN THERES MR SHE'S JUST A FRIEND AGRESTE BEING SO SAD AT THE IDEA THAT MARINETTE DOESN'T LIKE HIM

He values her friendship so much and is absolutely devastated that she doesn't feel the same way and so he spends the rest of the episode trying to make her like him because he just cannot bear marinette dupain cheng not liking him

look at them how could you not want to know why the tension in the elevator is so palpable

and

THE ADRINETTE IS SO GOOD THOUGH AHH

we have adrien who genuinely just wants to be friends with marinette and marinette catastrophizing up a storm and see them both lose braincells cause adrien is like oh i'll just play a prank like when i do it to ladybug that always works but it doesn and then the best part of the episode is THEY TALK ABOUT IT

and mari makes up another excuse for why she doesn't like him as more than a friend, but she does reassure him that they are friends, she just doesn't me like him more than friends, and honestly this is where she dug her own grave yes but think about how HAPPY adrien is to have a friend and especially one marinette dupain cheng to be that friend. we know how important friends are to him and i can't deal with the idea that for so long he wasn't sure if mari like him even as just a friend but this time she confirmed it and just ahhhhh

i'm also a sucker for adrien protecting mari scenes okay, and seeing him fence hawkmoth is some pretty exciting stuff (and dare i say some potential foreshadowing? >.>)

*ahem* LADRIEN

LOOK AT THEM SAVE EACH OTHERSSGFDJLGD

the ladynoir interactions are also so good btw like for real this bit:

CN: The worse the situation, the more amazing I realize you are!

LB: How do you do that?

CN: Do what?

LB: If I mean so much to you, how is it so easy for you to say these nice things to me, even in bad situations? The really important things are the hardest to say, aren't they?

CN: It's precisely when it's important that it's important to say it!

THIS IS THE ENTIRE REASON WHY LADYBUG NEEDS CHAT AS HER PARTNER, THIS IS IT. HE GROUNDS HER AND MAKES HER REALIZE SHE DOESN'T NEED TO OVERCOMPLICATE OR CATASTRAPHIZE. THIS HERE IS WHY CHAT IS JUST AS POWERFUL AS LADYBUG HES THE ONLY ONE SHE CAN FEEL SAFE AND REASSURED BY.

also I don't have time to explain but this was also genuinely the best rehash of an akuma because those wax statues coming to life and pretending to be LB and CN had me terrified.

and we end with this interaction, somehow both heartlifting and heartbreaking:

M: I shouldn't have kissed that statue. I didn't know it was you, if I had it wouldn't have neem a prank because—

A: No, no! It's my fault! When you left the workshop, I was so worried you were mad at me it made me do this prank and...

M: Of course I wasn't mad! I'm sorry I made you believe that.

A: Is that true? We're still friends?

M: Of course! But maybe we should stop playing pranks on each other!

A: *laughs* I know, I'm not good with jokes. The girl I'm in love with doesn't like them.

M: The girl...you're...you're in love with

LOOK AT THEM BEING ALMOST HONEST BUT THEY CANT CAUSE THE LOVE SOMEONE ELSE BUT THE PERSON THE LOVE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM AND I JUST I CANT DEAL THIS IS WHY THE LOVE SQUARE IS SO GOOD THIS IS WHY I SHIP THEM SO HARD

i promise, once you get over that 1 minute scene this episode is one of the absolute best and worth far more than any momentary cringe. come on friend i know you can do it

[ze-maki-nin]

Pumpkin Cookies!

Requested-Na! I came up with this idea with some ideas from @sugarrbbee!! Thank you <33 (Again-)

Pairing: C!Niki x Gn!Reader

Idea: You bake Pumpkin Cookies with Niki!

Tags/Warnings: None, Fluff! (If there is any warnings that I missed pls tell me!)

A/N- This is SUPER long! Like 2,716 words long!(Not including this beginning part and the endnote thing!) It's also my first fic so please dont be rude/mean!

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The sun shone through the light blue curtains, making you stir in your bed. Groaning, your teary eyes blinked open.

"What time is it?" You murmured, turning onto your back slowly. Bringing your hands up, you slowly rubbed the tears out of your eyes. Yawning, you sat up, the soft blanket falling off of you.

Looking over to your nightstand, the black clock read '7:10' "It's so early" You grumbled, glaring at the alarm clock. Slowly pulling off the rest of the blankets and swinging your legs over the bed.

You let your feet dangle for a minute, staring off into space. You then huffed and jumped off the comfortable bed, landing on the cold, wooden floor. Stretching your arms over your head, hearing popping noises.

You huffed and dropped your arms, walking over to your dresser. Opening the middle drawer and pulling out a black sweatshirt and pair of jeans.

You closed the drawer and made your way to your connected bathroom to get ready. You set your clothes on the counter and walked over to the shower, turning it on. Warm steam slowly started to fill the room.

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . * After the shower* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

Turning off the water, you got out and reached for your towel and wrapped it around you. You pulled out the blow dryer from a drawer and plugged it in, then turned it on.

The hot air blew on your face, making you smile at how warm it was. You then turned it so it was blowing on your wet hair and started drying your hair.

You turned off the blow dryer, setting it down, and started running your hands through your hair. Humming a tune, you picked up your clothes and started getting dressed.

Once the jeans were on all the way, you picked up a brush and started brushing out your hair, getting all the naughts out. Putting the brush and blow dryer away in a drawer, you picked up your dirty clothes and walked out of the bathroom to throw them in the dirty basket.

Walking back over to your dresser, you pulled out some socks from the top drawer, closed it, then sat down on your bed to put them on.

You huffed, looking at the clock on your nightstand, it read '8:20' "Time for breakfast" You mumbled, standing up and walking over to your door. Opening your bedroom door and walking out, closing it behind you.

Heading down the warm hallway, you made it to your living room. You looked around it, trying to spot your black cat Nightmare. Your brows furrowed not seeing the cat anywhere. Taking a couple steps towards the couch, stopping right behind it.

You looked down and saw a black fur ball "Silly Kitty" You giggled, petting their head. The cat stirred in its sleep, but not waking up. You hummed and headed towards the kitchen.

Heading towards the fridge, you pulled out some eggs. Setting them down on the counter near the stove, you closed the fridge and headed to a coupard and pulled out some toast, a pan, and some non-stick cooking spray.

You put the pan on the stove top, turned it on, and sprayed some cooking spray in it. Turning around, you put the spray back and waited for the pan to warm up. Once it was warm enough, you picked up the eggs and cracked them into the pan.

Sizzling sounds filled the kitchen as you pulled out some ingredients to make coffee. You finished pulling the ingredients out and started making it.

You paused, looking back at the eggs in the pan and set everything down. You walked over to the pan and flipped the eggs. You grabbed the bread out of its bag and put it in the toaster.

You huffed, turning back to your coffee to see Nightmare up on the counter, swatting at the cup "Don't. You. Dare." You said slowly, staring your cat in the eyes.

Nightmare just stared back, their tail swishing back and forth, and swatted the cup off the counter, all while looking you in the eyes. They then turned around and started sassily walking away.

You just stared at the broken coffee mug on the ground, the coffee that was in it spreading all over the floor "Stupid Cat" You grumbled, turning of the stove top, so you dont burn your eggs, and bent down to pick up the glass pieces.

"That was my favorite mug too!" You groaned, standing up and carefully putting the glass shards in the trash. You grabbed a mop out of the closet and started cleaning the coffee.

Once you finished cleaning, you put the mop away, planning to clean it later, and turned towards your eggs and now done toast. You grabbed the toast, buttered them, and put them on a plate, along with the eggs.

Bringing the plate over to the dining table, you sat down and began eating, without a coffee. You finished up your breakfast, picking up the plate and heading to the kitchen to put it in the sink.

Once you finished putting everything away, you walked out to the living room and saw Nightmare stretching on the couch. You sighed, shaking your head, heading over to them.

You gently picked them up, them meowing in protest but stopped once they felt your hand on their head "See. It's not that bad you Crazy Cat" You said, walking towards the door.

You set the fluffy cat on the ground, and slipped your boots on. You stood back up, Nightmare climbing up you side and laying on your shoulders.

"Lets go Nightmare" You said, petting their head and heading out the door. You smiled, breathing in the fresh air. You closed the door behind you, locking it, and headed towards the center of town.

Walking along the path, Nightmare asleep on your shoulder, you waved and smiled at the people.

"Y/N!!" You heard someone yell. You turned your head to the side to see Tubbo running towards you with a big smile.

"Hey Tubs!" You said back, ruffling the boys hair, being mindful of his horns. Tubbo just giggled, playfully smacking your hand away.

"Stop it! Anyways! Do you think I could talk with you? We haven't talked in so long!" The boy said, bouncing on his feet.

"Bubs! We talked yesterday!" You laughed, smiling at him

"I know! But it feels like we haven't talked in forever~" He whined, pouting at the taller person. You just chuckled and waved him to follow you.

"Alright!!" He said excitedly, running to catch up to you.

You just smiled, shaking your head at the boys excitement. You reached up and started petting the lazy cat around your shoulders, listening to the boy ramble.

You hummed, agreeing to whatever the boy next to you was saying.

"This is my stop" You said, nodding towards Nikis Bakery.

"Awww~ I wanted to talk to you more~" He pouted, crossing his arms and stomping.

"Oh hush you baby! We'll talk tomorrow!" You said, ruffling his hair again

"Promise?" He said, looking up at you with his big doe eyes

"Promise! We can even go to your house and hang out there!" You said, kissing his forehead

"ALRIGHT!! SEE YOU TOMORROW!" He yelled excitedly, running away, probably to go find Tommy.

You chuckled, shaking your head and walked towards Nikis Bakery.

You opened the door, the bell chiming above your head.

"Hello and Welcome-Y/N!" Niki said, running over to you and giving you a hug.

"Hello Sweets!" You chuckled, hugging her back.

Nightmare jumped off your shoulder and onto hers "Hello there Nightmare! How are you?" She asked, petting the Gender-Neutral cat, who just meowed back in response. Niki just giggled, watching as the cat jumped off her shoulder and towards the little corner she had made for them, it had a cat bed and some food and water.

She turned back towards you, eyes sparkling in excitement "What are you doing here? I didn't know you were coming over!!" She said, dragging you behind the counter.

"I thought I'd help you with baking today!" You said, letting her drag you.

"Really?! Alright!! What should we bake?" She said, stopping in the kitchen and turning around to look at you.

"Well I thought we could bake some Pumpkin Cookies!! Since it's almost fall!" You said, smiling at her.

"OMG! YES!!" She said excitedly, jumping around her kitchen and grabbing ingredients.

You chuckled and started gathering the pots/mixers/utensils/etc. for you guys. Setting the last of the stuff down next to Niki, who was rocking back and forth on her heels.

"What’s first Chef Niki?" You asked, smiling at the excited girl

"First! We have to preheat the oven to 350° F. and GRease the baking sheets!" She said, taking out the baking sheets.

"Alright! I'll preheat the oven!" You said, walking over to the oven and preheating it, then heading back over to Niki.

"Okay! Now we're going to combine 2 1/2 cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, 1 teaspoon of cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg and 1/2 teaspoon of salt!" She said, taking out all the ingredients excitedly.

"That's...A lot...." You said, sweat dropping at all the stuff in front of her.

"Well Duh! They're P u m p k i n" She said, looking at you with a 'Duh' face.

"Right right" You said, bringing your hands up in defence.

She just giggled, turned back to the ingredients and started putting them in. You smiled, dropping your hands to your side and walking to her side. You watched as she carefully put in the dry ingredients in the medium sized bowl.

You then smirked and walked behind her. You then carefully wrapped your arms around her waist and-

"AAAA! Y/N!" She screamed, dropping the teaspoonful of baking powder onto the floor. You laughed, spinning in a circle while gripping onto Niki.

"PUT ME DOWN!!" She yelled, gripping onto your arms and laughing.

You laughed and put her down gently. She quickly turned to you and jumped at you, wrapping her arms around your neck and legs around your waist.

"WHOA!" You said, wrapping our arms around her waist so she wouldn't fall. Niki giggled into your neck, hugging you tighter. You just smiled, hugging her back just as tight.

She jumped off of you "Come on! Let's continue baking you trouble maker!" She said giggling and heading back to the ingredients. You just chuckled, shook your head, and walked back towards Niki.

After you guys finished with the dry ingredients, Niki pulled out a large mixing bowl "Okay! Now we need 1 1/2 cup of sugar and a stick of butter!" She said, taking out the sugar while you softened the butter.

You dumped the two ingredients in the bowl and set it on the mixer, turned on the mixer, and then started blending it.

"What next Niki?" You asked, watching as she got out some beat pumpkin (Pumpkin paste? Idk-), a large egg, and vanilla extract.

"We need to add a cup of beaten pumpkin (Or pumpkin paste-), 1 large egg, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract!" She said, handing you the egg while putting in the pumpkin.

"You got it!" You said, carefully cracking the egg into the mixing pull, as to not get any eggshells in. You walked past Niki, who was now putting in the vanilla extract, and over to the sink to put the eggshell in.

You then washed your hands of the egg and small shells, dried them off, and then walked back over to Niki.

"Now we have to slowly add the flower mixture in!" She said, grabbing the medium sized bowl and slowly dumping it in. Once she finished she handed you the bowl.

"Go put it in the sink pls!" She asked, smiling at me as she got out some spoons.

"Yes Ma'am!" You fake saluted, making her giggle, and walked over to the sink, carefully setting the bowl down.

You walked back over to Niki, wiping the imaginary dust of your sweater "Is it ready?" You asked, hugging the smaller girl from behind.

"Yup! Now we just have to scoop it on the cooking sheets!" She said, handing you a spoon to help her.

You two started scooping the cookie dough onto the sheets, making them a medium size. Once you finished filling up the cookie sheets, you put them in the oven for 15-18 minutes.

"Lets clean up a bit and then get working on the drizzle!" She said, dragging you over to the sink to clean the dirty dishes you guys used.

You just chuckled and rolled up your sleeves, turned on the water, and started cleaning. You grabbed the soap and started to clean the medium and large sized bowl, Niki putting more dirt dishes in the sink.

The oven dinged, signaling that the cookies were done.

"I'll get the cookies out and put them on a cooling rack (?)" Niki said, taking out some cooling racks and setting them up.

"Okay!" I said, finishing the last dirty dish as Niki took out some oven mitts and carefully took out the cookies. She then carefully took the cookies off of the pan, with a spatula, and set them on the racks.

You turned off the faucet, dried your hands on a towel, and pulled down your sleeves walking over to Niki, who has now finished putting the last of the cookies on the racks.

"There! Now we just have to wait for them to cool and make the glaze!" She said, taking off her oven mitts and setting them down. She headed over to the coupards and pulled out a small bowl and some ingredients.

"Okay! We need to add 2 cups of sifted powdered sugar, 3 tablespoons of milk, 1 tablespoons of melted butter, and 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract!" She said, adding all the ingredients in while you watched.

You looked over to the cookies, then back to Niki, who was manually mixing the glaze, then back over to the cookies. You started quietly walking over to them, and took one.

It was warm, not too warm, but the right amount. You brought it up to your mouth and

"NO!" Niki screamed, snatching the cookie from you and setting it back on the rack

"You have to wait Y/N!" Niki scolded you like a mother would her child.

"Sorry! But they look so good!!" You whined, pouting at her.

She just sighed, grabbing your arm, and pulling you over to the glaze she finished.

"You can help me drizzle the drizzle over the cookies! And then you can have one!" She said, handing you a spoon, put some cookies on two plates,and set one in front of you, the other in front of her.

"All you have to do is put some drizzle on the spoon and drizzle a bit over the cookies!" She said, showing you how to do it.

"Okay!" You said, copying her actions and drizzling some drizzle over the cookies.

You two continued drizzling some stuff over the cookies until they were all covered in drizzle.

"There! Now you can have one!" Niki said, putting the two spoons and bowl in the sink and started washing them.

"ALRIGHT!!" You cheered, picking up one of the cookies and biting into it.

"Hmmm!" You hummed in delight

"These are so good!" You said, shoving the rest of the cookie in your mouth, making Niki giggle.

Nightmare walked into the kitchen, curious of the noise that was coming from the place. The cat saw Niki giggling next to you and You shoving another cookie in your mouth, crumbs getting on your face and clothes. Walking towards their owner, the cat pawed at your leg.

"Hmmm" You hummed, looking down at the cat

"Hey Nightmare" You greeted the cat with a smile, leaned down and picked them up.

You giggled, Nightmare licking the crumbs off your face.

"It seems Nightmare likes the cookies as well!" Niki said giggling, petting the fluffy cats head, making the cat purr and lean into her hand.

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I'm the cat Hehe-

ANYWAYS!!

Hope you guys like it! It took so long to write and edit!!

I'm not super proud of it but it's good for my first fic!!

Taglist: @meliancries @dawnfallx @forefinn @angstyx @pastelpeaxch

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

Scars That Heal || Eddie Kaspbrak x Reader Series

• Ch. 12: Changes •

A/N: The missing gaps in time are on purpose since they will be in book 2 as flashbacks, which will include references to events you have not read yet. All fluff and shenanigans this chapter to make up for last, I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: brief mention of nausea and gore towards the very end, but otherwise, tooth-rotting fluff!

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𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐧

𝐀𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝𝐬

𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧' 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

              - David Bowie, Changes

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

- 𝗠𝗜𝗗 𝗔𝗨𝗚𝗨𝗦𝗧 -

    "I still can't believe you went after Bowers," Richie scoffs.

    As he steps off his porch and onto his lawn he looks over at his best friend and takes another gander at the bruises and welts littering her skin. Her lip was still busted and despite his and his mother's efforts to clean her bottom lip of blood, it must have started bleeding again sometime during the night as more had crusted over.

    "Yeah, well," she shrugs. "It felt good,"

    "Yeah," he snorts. "It looks like it,"

    "You know what I mean," She elbowed him and he nodded with a little laugh.

    "What d'ya want to do? I mean, we could keep standing around here like a bunch of idiots, but-" he shrugs, hands falling into his pockets, and Y/n smiles.

    "I dunno," she shrugs. A wince falls over her face, a painful-looking one at that. "But I don't think I'm gonna be welcome back at the Capitol Theatre any time soon."

    Richie nodded, a ghostly look falling over his face at all that had transpired in the past twenty-four hours alone. He still couldn't believe she had done that. He still couldn't believe a lot of things but her being in his corner after what she had found out seemed a little harder to believe right now. Especially after the junkyard... But - Jesus, that was already a week and a half ago, it felt like only hours.

    He could hear her words from the park the other day in his ears and he suddenly felt the urge to pay her back. He smiled his charming crooked smile and hoped for the best.

    "You still craving fries?"

    "Always," she answered, a look of suspicion written in her features. "Why?"

    Y/n didn't know why she kept asking these questions when she knew the answer. She didn't at all like the look growing in his eyes or the stupid feeling of guilt growing in her stomach.

    "Cause I'm prepared to make a deal with ya toots,"

     "Oh, yeah?"

    "Sure am," he says, patting his hand over his left pocket. "I'd been saving up for a long weekend at the arcade but that's a bust. And I just got a raise on my allowance ━ that's again, toots. Allowance. It's the money you get when you do stuff for people, you might never have heard of it--"

    "Is there a point here, Rich? Cause if so, you better get to it faster,"

    "Point is, I'm packing and I'm also craving milkshakes. So how's about I treat you to the biggest pile of fries your staved ass has ever seen--"

    Y/n shoots him a knowing look, ready to detest when he holds out a finger.

    "If," he continues. "you take me there."

    "Take you there?"

    "Take me there," he nodded. "By piggyback."

    Y/n gave thought to this, all while hiding behind an unimpressed look. As much as she hated to admit it, she was starving.

    Richie shrugged. "Hey, you're the one always saying you don't want to feel like charity. Well, this ain't charity, this is work with a reward. Take it or leave it,"

    Her unimpressed look grows stronger in an attempt to buy her time. But it's useless, her stomach answers for her with a long growl and a smile sneaks up on her.

    She steps forward, crouching down a bit for him to jump on her back. "Alright, let's get this over with."

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

    "You know, I was really worried about carrying you, but dude, you weigh like nothing. You're a fucking bean pole," Y/n says.

    She comes to a slow before straightened her back letting him slide off her back and onto the ground. The two of them had arrived at the nearest diner in the town square where they now stood.

    "Well, not to brag or anything, but," he fluffs his collar. "I took a massive shit before we left,"

    "Ugh!" a shocked and uncomfortable laugh breaks loose from Y/n and she sticks out her tongue in disgust. "Regretting this already."

    She threw open the doors and the two found themselves inside one of Derry's lesser diners.

    It smelled like sausage and coffee beans, and it had a vibrant red and black theme. There were maybe nine or ten people there, little kids included and they could hear the jukebox blasting a David Bowie song. Y/n had a hard time enjoying it with the combination of a full bladder and an empty stomach so she turns to Richie and nudges him with her elbow.

    "I'm gonna run to the restroom. Get us a booth?"

    "Do your thing," Y/n nods and disappears around the corner. As his eyes follow her, they land on the corner in question she had disappeared around where there sat the jukebox.

    He wanders over, eyeing the machine as Changes reaches a crescendo. A mischievous smile blooms as the lights from the window illuminated his face.

    "Three plays for a dollar, huh?"

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

    When Y/n returned from the restroom, she had expected to find Richie lounging in a booth somewhere, feet up and bugging the employees. She did not expect to turn the corner and nearly collide with the boy as he stood at the Jukebox and feeding all his money into it.

    "Dude! I carried you here, you owe me fries!"

    "And you shall get them my liege," answered Richie in a Shakespearean tone. "But first!" He dropped the act and looked away from the Jukebox for the first time, wearing an almost evil grin. "A social experiment,"

    Y/n's brow furrowed as she watched Richie punch in the same Tom Jones song over and over and over. It was then she caught on to what he was doing. She held out a hand as her eyes watched the Jukebox.

    "Hey, hey, hey, wait," she said, stopping Richie in his tracks.

    He looked up at her with a pout. "Relax, toots. I saved just enough for their biggest basket of fries, you'll get them." Then Richie saw the look on her face. He could practically see the gears turning.

    "No, not that. It's just..." she said, eyes never leaving the list of songs. "Before you put in more, you should throw in one It's Not Unusual,"

    And that's when the afternoon went from good to great.

· · ─── ·𖥸· ─── · ·

    By now, the duo had ordered and waited. They now sat tucked into a corner booth with a great view of the street corner and the passers-by of Derry. Changes had long since ended, and the remaining songs in the queue had trickled out. Richie memorized the song queue and was silently counting down until the big moment as he sat across from his battered-up best friend.

    Her busted lip poked out in a bored pout, her chin propped up on her palm as she balanced her head on the table while looking out at the graying town landscape. It always escaped her how Derry could possibly look so gloomy on even the hottest, brightest days of summer. Until recently that is, the truth all too clear to her and her friends now.

    The thought of the Losers scattered all over this hellhole only added to the gloom. They should all be here, together. Pointlessly debating which condiment goes best with fries, not fighting over... Over what they had fought over.

    Y/n's eyes finally broke away from the manhole at the center of the little intersection outside and wandered over to Richie. He had stolen the salt and pepper shakers from a few empty (and not so empty) tables and was currently doing his best to construct a salt and pepper shaker tower. His tongue was sticking out from between his curled lips and his glasses were sliding to the end of his nose at the angle he looking. The tower was nearly three shakers high and Y/n could hear him muttering, 'where's Haystack when you need him?' under his breath.

    The gloom Y/n had been thinking so intently on was suddenly ebbed away at the sight, and the corners of her lips hooked into a small smile.

    At least she had her favorite Trashmouth.

    "If you keep undressing me with your eyes, I'm gonna catch a cold," said Richie, never once looking up from his tower.

    Y/n snorts. "You're unbearable,"

    Richie shrugs defensively. "Hey, you're the one who said we're stuck with each other," he clicks his tongue and winks. "No going back on that kind of deal,"

    "Oh, I meant what I said," Y/n releases her chin and folds both arms on the table. She hated getting all serious again, but she just needed to be sure. Her voice softens, trying to catch Richie's eye. "All of it, okay?"

    Richie's hand around the salt shaker stops, and he pries his eyes off the tower and to his best friend. Despite her intentions and promises, everything that transpired the day before -- good and bad -- flooded over him and made him tense.

    She suddenly offered him her pinky and a small smile.

    "Stuck forever?"

    Richie rolls his eyes. He didn't quite know who to blame, maybe just the losers in general, but he was going all soft and lame.

    "Like my ass and a toilet seat, toots,"

    He locked his pinky with hers and the deal was sealed forever.

    Y/n leaned back on her side of the booth and took a large swig of the complimentary water as her eyes returned to the streets. The chatter of the diner had died down a little. There weren't as many people since they got there, but they were still filtering in and out. But when Y/n had a hard time shaking off the images she had of her best friend in the state he had been, she deems it safe enough to lean forward and lowered her voice.

    "You know," she began picking at her napkin, making slow and tiny tears here and there. "I--" she sighs, not knowing how or where to begin. "I wouldn't blame you."

    Richie, having abandoned his shaker tower, frowns.

"I wouldn't blame you if maybe, it was -- or is hard to be..." she shakes her head again and rubs her forehead trying to find the words. "I wouldn't blame you if it was hard to be around me and Eddie," She blurts.

    "I'm gonna stop you right there," Richie says. "We're not gonna do that, okay? You have exceeded your sappy meter and you're gonna need to wait about 48 hours for it to charge up again. I think we've both had enough, right?"

    Y/n swallowed her words. She swallowed any promise she was holding out to him that their feelings for Eddie wouldn't change anything. That she wouldn't ever want to stand in their way, however true it was. And instead, she made a new one.

    "Let's just agree, whatever happens, happens. Let that be whatever it needs to be. Even if that means neither of us gets to see that adorable, asthmatic pipsqueak ever again. Deal?"

    Y/n fought the bittersweet smile threatening to appear. She could see it now. Richie knew what he needed to know about himself now, and that was already a lot for him to handle. She could see in his eyes he wasn't ready for the possibility of whatever was his feelings for Eddie Kaspbrak.

    Y/n's stomach turns to knots when the thought crosses her mind, but that only confirms to her it was time.

    She looks around the diner, looking for prying eyes and she still finds none. She leans in, voice lowered as she fiddles with her napkin again. "I'm uh--," she clears her throat. "I've never told anyone this, but..."

    She lets out a sharp breath. "Well, let's just say Eddie isn't the first Loser I've ever had feelings for,"

    Richie shakes his head, making a "what am I supposed to do with that?" face at her sudden shyness. She only gives him a solid stare until it finally clicks.

    Richie collapses against the seatback with a gaping, triumphant look.

    "No. Fucking. Way," Richie slaps his hands on the table and leans forward, and an ugly excited laugh comes barreling out of his chest. "You big homo!"

    "Would you fucking shut up?!" Y/n hisses, reaching over and shoving him back against his seat by his forehead. She looks around the diner and determines no one had heard that. Maybe except one guy in his forties, but that was most likely about him knowing they did something to the jukebox. He was sat with his young kids, looking tired and all too suspicious of their laughter at the jukebox. Finally, she laughs a little. "Beep, beep you moron."

    "You telling me you and Little Orphan Annie...?"

    "I'm saying," Y/n sighs, shrugging her shoulders. "I meant it when I said you're not alone, alright?"

    The look in Richie's eyes hardly changes.

    "No!" She answers. "No, nothing's happened but..." Y/n shook her head. "I had feelings for a really long time, up until about two years ago."

    "Wowza," Richie sighs, leaning back into his seat and plopping one hand on the table. He sighs. "We sure know how to pick em,"

    "Yeah, you could say that," Y/n laughs.

    In fact, that's all she could say. A million things ran through her head, things she wanted to say to Richie but couldn't. Cause when she looked in Richie's eyes at that moment she -- they both -- knew everything unsaid could remain that way. With one look they knew. They knew that they could both count on each other, have each other's back. And that included Eddie too. They knew that no matter who held Eddie's heart, they could both agree that Eddie's happiness -- and each other's -- was most important.

    The sound of brass instruments invaded the atmosphere, pulling the duo's eyes to the jukebox across the diner. Their faces lit up in matching grins, both of them nearly forgetting the psychological horror they had just unleashed upon the diner.

    "What's new pussycat? Woah, wo~ah,"

    And thus began the best meal they ever had.

- 𝗟𝗔𝗧𝗘 𝗔𝗨𝗚𝗨𝗦𝗧 -

    Y/n relished at the demanding burst of cool air that bombarded her sweaty skin as she stepped inside Keene's pharmacy. The grip on the money she had scraped together tucked tightly in her right palm grew tighter when the shopkeeper's bell announced her arrival. Her eyes fell to her injured leg, and by now her feet have already begun their journey forward towards the first aid supplies. The last of the bandages secured around her leg, and she winced at the faded and stained cloth that was in dire need of a change.

    Her eyes pick up from the ground when she hears a choked gasp only to find the boy that had been occupying her thoughts standing before her.

    "Y/n," His voice is meek and heavy with sadness, and you can hear the absence of breath in his lungs that she always seemed to create.

    Despite the staggering stampede of emotions she felt, she found herself releasing a chuckle. "Hey, shrimp."

    The name itself would have been strong enough to send hooks into the corner of his lips, tugging them into a half-smile had it not been for the sight before him; she was a wreck. Looked as if she had been put through an actual wringer and his heart stops for a moment, in fear. At that moment he is grateful he has his inhaler, Y/n had a talent for taking his breath away but he never would have dreamed of it happening this way. Already his mind is going at twice its speed, a mad swarm of thoughts that dizzy his head, and as quickly as he can he tries to pluck one - just one - thing to say to her. When he finally speaks, he is thankful that his voice has returned to him.

    "How's your leg?"

    He doesn't have to ask, the first thing he saw - the very feature that tipped him off about her - was the blood-soaked bandages wrapped around her left calf. He couldn't imagine why it would still be bleeding, much less this profusely given how long ago it had been. Perhaps it had opened back up. And Eddie felt it best not to address the new set of scrapes and bandages that were scattered across her arms and legs, though each one filled him with worry. But her eye... it was completely swollen, and several shades darker than a usual bruise.

    She grew rather sick looking at the question and instantly he was filled with dread. Had It gotten to her again? Was it something new entirely? Either way, he felt a great deal of guilt he hadn't been there, and more than anything he wanted her safe. Maybe, if it wasn't too crazy, be the one to look out for her. To protect her.

    "I just," she swallows thickly, eyes darting around to avoid his eye line.

    Eddie tilts his head, encouraging her to continue. She looks as if she's about to unload a great deal off of her chest, but after a moment she shakes her head.

    "Nothing," she lies. "Just need new bandages."

    Eddie's horrified expression does not waver, but only intensifies, zeroing in on her. He just simply can't ignore the state she's in. And while every instinct inside him screams to jump in and help, he knows that's not his call nor his place. But he had to ask, he had to know.

    "Are you okay?" He blurts suddenly. He mentally slapped himself. Of course she wasn't. "What happened...? You're leg? You're eye? Are you in trouble at home? Was it...?"

    She grows tense, and Eddie scolds himself once more when he sees her walls rebuilding themselves. He hated his stupid word vomit sometimes.

    "No, Eddie!" she says tiredly, sighing at her slight outburst. "I'm..." she sighs again, staring at the floor, looking almost... calculated.

    Finally, she picks her head back up, her expression flat, but her tone a bit softer. "Just Bowers. The usual."

    Eddie couldn't help but feel like she was lying. And that hurt him. But he understood. If she had pressed him about things at home he probably would have done the same. Eddie sighed deeply as well.

    He missed the way things were.

    He missed Y/n.

    He missed the feeling he got around her, the storm of butterflies and mind-numbing fits of laughter they'd bring out in one another. He missed the way his skin would tingle like every blood cell was on fire when their skin accidentally brushed together. Eddie missed the way he'd lose himself in thoughts about her like he was now.

    Eddie didn't realize it until that last thought crossed his mind, but this was the first time in weeks he felt something other than anxiety and fear. And maybe he was crazy, but when he looked in Y/n's eyes now he thought he saw it too -

    "I'm sorry, Eddie," she says, breaking him from his daydream, sending him falling back down to earth. "But I really need to take care of this."

    He glances down at her leg, the bandage still soaked with blood and he feels fear squeeze his chest again. She was leaving. And that meant he had to, as well. He would have to say goodbye and go back home to his mother. He could hear her haunted cries, whining at him and wailing. What took you so long, Eddie? Don't you know what you're doing to my heart?

    Eddie goes rigid at the thought when he realizes; the last time he saw Y/n... Those horrible things his mother had said to her and he... Jesus, what she must think.

    "Y-Y/n," he sputters desperately as she begins to limp around him. She had gotten no answer for once again he had gotten lost in his thoughts. But he couldn't have it end like this. He just couldn't. "Y/n, I'm sorry."

    She stops in her tracks and looks back at him, thoughtfully. A sad smile graces her face.

    "I know, shrimp,"

    Her eyes hold a thousand words, a million things she wants to say to him as he wants to say to her. But they die out, and she turns away.

    "Y/n!"

    He couldn't let her go, he just couldn't. Then why was this so difficult? He always had a mouthful to say, but around Y/n L/n, Eddie was always speechless.

    "I wanna..." he gulps, a pleading, sincere look in his eyes. "I wanna see you again." He admits.

    Y/n smiles sadly. Like she doesn't want to let him go either. But still, she gives him a pleading look after gesturing to her leg.

    "Eddie, I gotta take care of this,"

     His head sunk to the floor and he nodded, embarrassed. Of course, what the hell was he thinking? She didn't need him coming in and messing things -

    Her sudden sigh broke his thoughts. "Meet me outside in five? I could use some help,"

     A nervous smile broke out, stretching and hurting his cheeks and Eddie nodded when he met her eye. He was out the door without another word, back in the alley where he had first bandaged her up all those months ago.

    His mind raced with possibility and more unanswered questions. What would he do, what would he say? What had happened to her, and could he have been there to stop it? His face still burned with embarrassment when he thought of the things he let his mother say to her, how livid he was with himself.

    It was all he could do not to bounce off the walls from the jitters. The crates from the last alley visit, or at least some like it, remained and so Eddie eagerly took a seat. His knee bounced up and down at unnatural speeds as his mind raced, his eyes wandering the alley as the wind swept in a familiar summer breeze against his cheeks.

    "I really need to focus right now," he orders, his hands making delicate work of the bandage over the new kid's stomach.

    "You need to focus?" Richie snorts over his shoulder, causing Eddie's cheeks to burn.

    "Yeah, can you go get me something?"

    "Jesus! What do you need?"

    "Go get my bifocals. I hid 'em in my second fanny pack."

    Y/n leaned forward, balanced on her knees with a crooked smile that would with Eddie for days. "You have a second fanny pack?"

    The burning in his cheeks grew, and Stan joined in. "Yeah, why do you have two?"

    Eddie didn't dare meet anyone's eye, let alone Richie or Y/n's.

    "I need to focus right now and it's a long story. I don't want to get into it."

    Besides! He was telling the truth! He needed to focus. Who knows what kind of shit has gotten into this kid's system by now?

    Eddie had nearly finished with the new kid's bandages when he heard the jingle of the store bell.

    "Yep. Thanks." Came the hardened voice of Y/n backing out and towards the alley with a pressed and forced smile before turning for the alley and away from whoever she had been talking to. Eddie was the only one to have caught the small whispered words under her breath from the silence of the alley. "-for nothing, I guess..."

    Eddie shot up from his seat, subconsciously straightening out his shirt.

    "Everything okay? What was that all about?" He asked as Y/n finally joined him. Eddie sputtered, mentally kicking himself for prying. "I mean, you don't have to tell me or anything, it's just you seemed frustrated. You know what never mind, you probably want to get your leg fixed up, right?"

   Eddie stopped again, shifting on his feet when he realized Y/n must be waiting to talk. "Sorry," he mumbled. And to his great surprise, she smiled.

    "Don't be. I've missed your word vomit," she joked.

    Eddie could feel the corners of his lips twitching up in a smile, and something happened to him he hadn't felt in a long time; flutters invaded his chest, making the air he breathed feel lighter and his stomach was doing flips. And he would have fallen harder had he known Y/n's stomach was doing flips right along with him, and a burning sensation lighting up her neck and ears.

    "Well, here-" Eddie said, snapping out of his daze, no longer able to stand by and ignore the gash in her leg. He supposed it really was like old times. He stepped aside, gesturing for the crates and taking the bag of supplies Y/n had handed over.

    "For real though," Eddie began, eyeing her nervously as he unzipped his fanny bag and begun fishing inside for hand wipes. "What happened, Y/n?"

    Her smile fell, and her eyes dropped to her lap where her fingers fiddled together. To Eddie, it felt like a long time before she finally answered.

    "A lot's happened since Niebolt, I'll leave it at that,"

    Eddie nodded, and stepped forward, lowering himself to his knees before her injured leg, and began unwrapping the first of the supplies from her grocery bag. "It feels like years ago,"

    "Yeah, it does," Y/n croaks.

    There's another small silence and Eddie feels a tug in his chest when her eyes linger over him. He only spares a moment to meet her eyes back before taking a deep breath and holding it. With a wince, he unraveled the cloth and quickly discarded it. He tried not to linger on the injury; the edges of her claw-like scars remained, but it looked as if they had been messily pried back open.

    Like deja vu, Eddie found himself battling to keep his lunch in his stomach, but the overall worry in his system for one of his best friends triumphed over it this time around. He dismissed the urge to gag and instead darted his eyes to Y/n in between his work.

    "So..." he asked, realizing he didn't really know where to start. "how have you been? Other than, you know," he laughed nervously.

    To his relief, Y/n smiled.

    "It's hard not being around the losers. I only ever see Richie anymore. Even Bev and I haven't really spoken since the fight, which has been really hard. We've been in each other's lives for so long,"

    As Eddie finishes cleaning the wound, his heart sinks a little at her words. True, he missed Beverly very much. But he also knew all too well what Y/n spoke of, and judging by the look in her eye as she softens at him, she knows it too. She gives him a gentle nudge with her foot.

    "He misses you too," she says, growing another small smile. "Won't shut up about you, in fact. Which is saying something... Guess I'm one to talk, though," she adds, watching him nervously out of the corner of her eye, and Eddie's heart skipped another beat.

    "What about you, shrimp? Dare I ask?" She says with a smile.

    Eddie, Y/n noticed, had been unusually quiet. By now, on any other occasion, he would have talked laps around her by now but something was keeping him. Maybe he just feels a bit out of step, she thinks, as she did. It had been far too long since things had been normal for either of them. But something told her he was now particularly quiet perhaps because he wasn't all that eager to share how things had been for him since the losers split. She couldn't imagine things had been well at home with his mother given everything that had transpired.

    So she didn't pry. She changes the subject, hoping to get his mind off of whatever might be bothering him. Her mind returns to his previous questions, and she bites the bullet.

    "Quitting my job." She says finally, stunning Eddie enough to pull his attention away for a split second. "You wondered what I was doing there. And aside from restocking, I was um... I was quitting my job."

    "You got a job at Keene's Pharmacy? When?" Eddie asked, reaching for a strip of gauze.

    Y/n seemed to think about it for a minute, counting the days in her head before shrugging. Leaning forward, she holds the gauze in places Eddie begins applying the bandages. "I guess a little over two weeks after Niebolt. I did little things around the store, this and that really,"

    "How come I never saw you?" Eddie asked, and Y/n shrugged.

    "He had me running errands most of the time," and she smiled a little. "But sometimes I'd stick around a little longer. I'd offer to sweep or restock the shelves or something. It's stupid, I know, but... I don't know, I guess I was hoping to see some admittedly cute... shrimpy little dude come walking in to refill his inhaler. Is that stupid?"

    Eddie paused, unable to hide the smile or the raging blush taking over his face. Y/n smiled to herself when she saw it, and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't feeling a little bit of it too. Finally, Eddie spoke. Or at least, he tried to. His voice came out hoarse and he cleared his throat, quickly shaking his head as he secured the bandages in place and began disinfecting his hands.

    "No. No, that's not stupid at all. I mean, I don't know if I'd say shrimpy, necessarily, maybe a little skinny but-"

    Y/n laughed, smiling hard at the boy she hadn't stopped thinking about for weeks. Like Eddie, she hadn't realized just how much she had missed him until now. But, she hoped, maybe she could change that.

    Eddie trailed off, his ears burning at her laugh but a smile on his face all the same. At this moment, everything was perfect. Or seemingly so, at least. And then...

    "Thanks, Doctor K,"

     He smiled, a sinking feeling in his chest knowing what was coming next as she hoisted herself back on her feet. "Yeah, of course."

    A silence falls over the two, a silence they know won't last.

    "I guess I should get going," Y/n says finally, gesturing down the alleyway. "I'm meeting up with Richie later, he's swinging by my place." And for a moment, she looks hopeful and Eddie already knows what she's going to ask. "You're welcome to come. We both really miss you,"

    Yet again, Eddie Kaspbrak finds himself with a million thoughts racing in his head, but no words on his tongue. What could he say that wouldn't hurt her? What could he say that wouldn't essentially admit he was still a coward who couldn't stand up to his own mother? What could he say?

    But evidently, he doesn't have to. Y/n can see it in his eyes, and any trace of hope deflates with her. She nods sadly, eyes now on the ground and her freshly bandaged leg. "I get it, Eddie. It's fine. You don't have to say anything."

    "Y/n..." He didn't know what felt worse; knowing he let her down, or the sound of her using his real name.

    "Really, it's okay,"

    But it wasn't okay. And Eddie knew that. Today he had been given a second chance with Y/n, and already he had fucked it up. Or so he thought...

    A smile returned to her face just before she left; it wasn't nearly as bright as it had been moments ago, but it was as real as any other he had seen all summer. And then she spoke. She spoke the three words over her shoulder as she disappeared out of view that returned a familiar spark to his chest.

    "I'll call you."

    There was hope yet.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

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"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 8*

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

I know, I wait almost 4 days and now you gotta go through this bullshit. I can already hear your cries of anguish and suffering.

I love it so much. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That being said I promise regular chapters for the rest of the week! Okay I don't promise but I promise to do my best.

Note: Alright it's a fanfic people, alternate universes and all that. So you know what we're saying that all the Carisi sisters are younger, and Sonny was the big bro. Kay? I can't deal with all the continuity stuff.

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@mrsrafaelbarba

------------------------

Sonny was watching TV with Amanda when his phone went off. He paused the movie and answered the phone:

“Barba it’s kinda late--”

“What's wrong with your cousin?” he flatly said.

“Excuse me?” Sonny asked. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just answer the question, Carisi,” Barba insisted.

“Well it's a loaded question, Barba.” Sonny replied.

“Okay then just answer me this,” Barba sighed. “Why did I come back to my apartment to find her halfway through my once full bottle of vodka and pouting on the couch. Oh, after she had gone through all of my things of course,”

“Aw shit,” Sonny muttered under his breath. “That's kind of on me, Barba,”

“One second babe,” He muttered to Amanda, while he got up and went into his kitchen.

“Babe?” Barba asked.

“It’s just Rollins,” Sonny dismissed it.

“So you have feelings for me, but you’re fucking Rollins?” He asked in a snarky tone.

“What, are you jealous or somethin’ Barba?” Sonny smirked.

“No, don’t be stupid,” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Why is it on you?” He changed the subject.

“I should have never filled her head with doubts and suspicions and then sent her back to your place; when I should have known that you would keep a full bar in your apartment,” Sonny sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Well of course I would keep a stocked bar in my apartment Sonny, I entertain people and I'm a grown man,” Rafael scoffed.

“Yeah, again it's on me,” Sonny repeated.

“Okay so what is wrong with your cousin?” Rafael asked.

“I think that pretty much answers it, don't you think?” Sonny asked in a “duh” tone.

“... I see,” Rafael glanced at his bedroom door wearily.

“Where is she now? Did you send her away? Please tell me you didn't send her away,” Sonny begged.

“No I didn't send her away, she's sleeping it off in my bedroom,” He got up and walked to his bedroom door. “I didn't want to just kick her out because she was upset. I'm not that big of a dick,” He whispered as he watched you sleep. You looked so calm and peaceful, that’s the girl he remembered.

“ You know, this should probably be better explained in person,” Sonny walked back into his living room where Amanda glanced over at him. He motioned for her to get her stuff together.

“Can I come over?”

“Yeah okay, not like I have anything else to do,'' he rolled his eyes as he shut his bedroom door and walked back to his living room.

--------------.

Sonny showed up to Rafael's apartment with a loaded head and a semi heavy conscience. He knocked on the door and Rafael let him inside.

“Okay so what kind of long story is this,” Rafael asked while he poured himself a glass of scotch. He noticed Sonny giving him a weird look.

“What? It's not like she's in here now,” he rolled his eyes.

“True,” He nodded. “Do you have beer?”

“Yes, dark or light?” Rafael made a disgusted face while he asked. He couldn't stand the taste of beer but he always had it on him just in case he had barbarians over such as Sonny.

“Shiner Bock, if you have it,” Sonny requested. Rafael nodded as he went into his ‘party fridge’ and handed him one before sitting on the couch across from him.

“Alright so where do I start?” Sonny thought out loud.

“Well I guess first of all I wanted to say I don’t wanna say I told you so, but this is exactly why I didn't want you and Y/N to get involved in the first place. It had nothing to do with my feelings for you. It’s because I know that you tend to keep relationships with guys and girls chill and casual, but Y/N is a special case and special to me,”

“Yeah.. I wish you had expressed that before,” Rafael groaned.

Well what was I supposed to say in front of her, Barba? ‘Oh hey by the way, you probably shouldn't get involved with my trainwreck of a cousin? Sonny asked defensively.

“Maybe? I don’t know…” Rafael sighed as he put his head in his hands.

“Look, Rafael,” Sonny put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not like she’s some kinda degenerate junkie,”

“Oh well, that’s great--” He started to roll his eyes.

“I’m serious Rafael!” He pounded the table.

“Okay okay, I’m sorry Sonny,” He finally used his first name, trying to be as soft with him as possible. He could see how much you meant to him, and it was really endearing. “Go ahead,”

“Alright,” Sonny sighed, ready to tell your life story. You would probably kill him later for it, but there was no hiding your...issues now, he might as well get the whole context.

“Well, first of all-- her dad died before she was born, overdose,” He began. “Then she was stuck with her junkie mother, my auntie. Who by the way at this point, nobody had heard from in years,” He took a sip of beer.

“So anyways,” He began again. “One day, she showed up at my mom’s doorstep with Y/N, and told her that she can’t take care of Y/N, or that she didn’t want to,” He sighed. “She was three years old by then, I don’t even wanna think about what happened before then,”

“Jesus…” Rafael muttered.

“I was eight years old at the time, my sisters were even younger. My mom and dad had enough on their plate with just us. So, I kinda took her under my wing,” He went on.

“We became so close, she wanted to go by “Sunny” just so she could be like me. I told her it would be confusing for the two of us, so I called her Sunshine, Sunny for short. That way if I’m calling her sunny, then obviously it’s not myself,” He chuckled. To this day, he still called you Sunshine.

“But as she grew up, she just...kinda had a rough go. She didn’t really interact with kids her own age, she was really defensive and untrusting with anybody but me. Not even my parents. And then we got the call that her mother died, and it ripped me up inside to see her body at the funeral. It was so fucked up, she was so fucked up. That’s why I-- I think something really bad happened to her when she was with her mother, Rafael. Like-- really, bad.

“Fuck..." Rafael muttered while glancing at his bedroom door. He didn't want to imagine what you had been through at such a young age. He wanted to run in his room right now and just hold you, but he kept his composure.

“So then I went off to college when she was ten years old, just about to start junior high. She begged me to stay, but I told her she had a good family and that my parents and sisters loved her as much as I did, and to stay out of trouble. But...kids are cruel. They made her harder, and harder. Without me there to be her-- I dunno, her guiding light or her-- protector, she just kinda fell into a bad crowd by the time high school rolled around,” He sighed while taking another swig of beer.

“...Right,” Rafael nodded.

“So when i came home from school my mom told me she was going to kick Sunny out. I asked her why, and she went on and on about how she had gotten in with these local girls who were like, I dunno some kinda girl gang, and they’d knock over liquor stores and then get drunk and stoned. She said she was never around anyway, unless it was to steal money out of her purse; And she just didn’t wanna deal with her anymore,”

“...But she was only fifteen at the time,” Rafael was stunned.

“Yeah, and that’s what I told her!” Sonny exclaimed. “Look Barba my mom is the salt of the earth, but like I said she had a lot on her plate and my dad wasn’t around a lot-- and she had three other daughters to watch out for,”

“Three of her OWN daughters,” Rafael clarified with a judgmental tone.

“HEY,” Sonny warned. “I know how it sounds. And maybe-- maybe you’re right, maybe that’s why she washed her hands clean of Sunny. Because she was just a by-product of her fucked up sister. But I-- I’m not gonna condemn her for it. And you sure as hell don’t get to judge her,”

“You’re right,” Rafael nodded while sipping his scotch.

“So I took Sunny in,” Sonny finished his beer as he wrapped up his story. “I took her in while I went through the police academy. I made sure she got sober, quit hangin’ out with those girls, I got her to do well in school, hell I got her to graduate high school!”

“And…?” Rafael pressed.

“...And when I started bouncing around precincts, she was finally a productive member of society so she started living on her own. She had a few jobs, but never really going anywhere. So once I got placed here in SVU and started making better money, I started helping her out with rent and her car, as long as she promised to start going to community college. Which she agreed to because she really does wanna make something of herself,” He half smiled thinking about how far you had come and how proud he was to call you his cousin now. You were so full of life with dreams and ambitions he never saw in you as a scared little kid.

“Okay so-- how does all of this lead to what happened tonight?” Rafael leaned back and crossed his arms.

“Because she’s still an addict, Barba!” Sonny tried not to yell, but didn’t understand why Rafael was still so flippant about you.

“Just because she got her life together-- I got her life together, doesn’t mean that she just got ‘better’. She’s on a daily see-saw of sobriety. I do weekly ‘drop ins’ just to check on her. It’s gotten a lot better as time goes on, and the less and less I worry about her, but--” He took a breath and looked at the floor.

“....Deep down she’s still that little girl with all of her walls and her distrust. She doesn’t have friends, I really don’t think she’s ever had a stable ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend,’ I mean she-- she doesn’t, talk to people,” He paused before looking up and into Rafael’s eyes.

“...Which is why it has been yankin' my chain tryin’ to figure out just why in God’s name she was so-- open, to you,” He finally admitted. “She’s never been that close to anybody else but me, not in her entire life,”

“Wait,” Rafael put a finger up. “So...you haven’t actually been jealous of Y/N this whole time, you’ve been jealous of me?” He half laughed.

“I mean, it’s a little of both,” He shrugged with a small smile, able to joke about his feelings now. “But I meant what I said when I first got here, I know the main thing that Y/N needs in her life right now is stability. And you-- you are not stable, in the least,”

“Oh I’m the unstable one?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Relationship wise, yeah,” Sonny pointed out.

“....Fair point,” Rafael nodded as he finished off his scotch. He knew the longest relationship he had ever had was with the cute barista he saw every morning who knew how to make his coffee just right. And that relationship only took him five minutes a day to maintain.

“So…” Sonny knocked Rafael from his thoughts.

“So...what?” Rafael quirked an eyebrow.

“So, I think that--” Sonny took a deep breath, knowing you might hate him for this. But it was for the best, and it needed to be said.

“I think that if you care anything about her, or me for that matter, that you let me take her home, and forget about this whole weekend,”

“....I mean…” Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to let you go. Well, he didn't want to let go of the girl he had met at Forlini's. The girl who made him laugh, who he could be his true self around, the girl he might---

“Look the bottom line here Barba is that Y/N is-- a lot of work. I should know, I’ve been taking care of her for 19 years. But I don’t mind it, because I love her more than anything else in this world. Well, her and the rest of my family. But still-- I love her,” Sonny now stood up.

“And I get that you like her, but she--- she has gotten way too serious about you way too fast, and way too hard. And this?” He gestured around the room, referring to the whole night. “This ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with her, if she’s really fallen off the wagon,”

“...God dammit,” Rafael stood up and began to pace in his living room. He thought about every single second he had spent with you since he met you; you had never seemed so...broken, as Sonny was describing you.

“What I’m saying is, unless you’re ready to-- ‘deal’ with her, and everything that comes with that, please for the love of God, just walk away now,” Sonny pleaded.

“Because she won’t listen to me if I tell her to stay away from you. And if things get too ‘real’ for you, you’re just gonna freak out or-- or get bored, and throw her away. Her self worth will drop to shit. And if that happens, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her back from that,”

“I would never just throw her away, Carisi,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“You can’t say that, Barba,” Sonny debated.

“And why the hell not?” Rafael narrowed his eyes.

“Because you’ve never NOT just ‘thrown away’ someone,” He chuckled. “That front door might as well be a garbage chute,”

“You son of a--” Rafael started to yell at him but Sonny cut him off.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Barba. Look me in the eyes and tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about, and I’ll leave here and let you deal with her the way you want to,” Sonny looked at him pensively. Rafael looked at him for several seconds, then softened his glare into a sad concession.

“....Take her,” He muttered softly while looking at the ground.

“Thank you,” Sonny mumbled softly as he turned to go retrieve your passed out self from the bedroom. However, he was instead met with the most unsettling sight:

You were standing in the doorway of the room, glaring at the two of them.

“...H-Hey, Sunshine--” Sonny tried to appease you with an awkward smile.

“Don’t,” You growled, stomping into the living room and began packing your bag.

“Y/N, what are you--” Rafael went to put a hand on your bag but you snatched it away before you shot fire out of your eyes into his gaze.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I misunderstand what you just said?” You barked at him with tears in your eyes. “Because I’m pretty damn sure I heard ‘take her’. You know like I’m some sort of defective Amazon package,”

“That’s not what I meant---” He softly spoke, the guilt of his words being heard by you was quickly eating him alive.

“No I know what you meant, Rafael,” You zipped your duffel shut angrily.

“I heard the whole god damn spiel. Which, by the way, thank you so much for detailing my entire little sob story, cousin,” You glared at Sonny as you started walking towards the front door, shoulder checking him.

“But neither of you have to worry about anything anymore, okay? You’re released from your ‘duties’. This trainwreck is leaving the station, so you can relax,” You looked at the both of them with pain in your eyes, tears cracking your words.

“Sunshine--” Sonny started after you.

“DON’T,” You glared at him while putting a finger up. “Don’t ever call me that again,”

“At least let me drive you home--”

“No,” You shook your head. “And you know what, cuz? I didn’t realize I was such a financial burden, so you know what? Cut me off. Because I’d rather be homeless again than take any more money from you,”

“What did I do?!” Sonny was now angry. “All I did was come over and try to protect you, that’s it!”

“I don’t need your protection!” You screamed. “This whole time...this whole time, I thought you were proud of me. That you trusted me,”

“I do trust you--”

“You don’t!” You stomped your foot while tears streamed down your face. “Y-You think that if . one single thing like a boy not liking me is gonna set me off, like I’m some kind of bomb you’ve kept from detonating for years. My life is not your responsibility anymore, Sonny! I don’t think it ever was!”

“Well who’s else was it gonna be?!”

“NOBODY’S!!!!” You finally dropped your duffel bag and kicked the wall, leaning your head against it. You were strangely quiet for a long pause before you spoke again in an eerily calm voice.

“...Do you know why my mother “dropped me off’ with your mother?”

“Because she couldn’t take care of you--”

“No I heard what you said,” You sniffled with a sad smile. “Because she didn’t want to,”

“Sunshine--”

“But leaving me with your mother, was her plan b,” You cut him off, still looking at the floor.

“What do you mean?” Sonny asked cautiously while looking at Rafael who had a terrified look in his eyes.

“She didn’t want to ‘burden’ her sister with me, but she had to when I wouldn’t die,”

“...W-What?” Rafael almost choked on the words in disbelief.

“She tried to smother me with a pillow, but I wouldn’t die. I kept screaming and crying, and I guess it touched her strand of humanity, so she stopped,” You rolled your eyes with the same sad smile.

That memory was forever imprinted in your brain. The terror of being woken up in blackness, unable to breathe. The smell of the cigarette smoke covered pillow being shoved into your throat and nostrils. Your mother crying and telling you it would be over soon, just to let go. And finally her sad, pathetic whimpers and sobs when she finally lifted the pillow from you, disappointed in herself that she couldn’t do one good thing in her life. That now she was going to have to pass you, her problem, onto her sister.

“Y/N, baby girl--” Sonny stepped towards you again.

“I wasn’t supposed to be raised by anybody, Sonny. I’m not even supposed to be alive!” You stomped your foot again while tears continued to flow.

“That’s not true!” He ran over and grabbed you in a hug. “You are not a burden,”

“Really?” You laughed sarcastically into his shoulder as you pushed him away from the hug. “You just said your mom didn’t even want to deal with me. Nobody did,”

“I did!” He argued. “I do,”

“Yeah well, maybe I’m my mother’s daughter. I don’t wanna be your burden,” You picked up the duffel and opened the door.

“Okay well you have no choice in that so you’re gonna have to let that go,” Sonny grabbed your hand before you could walk away.

“Fine,” You finally conceded with a blank expression.

“Guess I’ll just have to let a lot of things go, won’t I?” Your voice cracked as you looked at Rafael one more time with the saddest eyes.

He stared back at you with a stone cold face. He wanted so badly just to go and hold you in his arms, telling you how you didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, and that you deserved everything good and all the love in the world. But Sonny’s pleas were still in his head.

He didn’t know if he wanted the responsibility of your entire self worth and happiness, let alone your sobriety on his shoulders. He didn’t even like to get close to clients with that many issues, the pressure was too much. So instead he just stood there, trying not to show how much this was killing him, sending you away like this.

“Come on Sunshine, just-- let’s go, okay?” Sonny pleaded with you softly, pulling at your hand. You didn’t answer, you just nodded and started walking down the hallway towards the elevator, leaving Sonny at the door.

“...Thank you, Barba,” He mumbled softly, nodding at Rafael. Rafael barely nodded back before Sonny closed the door.

As soon as it was closed, Rafael dropped on his knees and began to cry. He didn’t know why exactly, was he crying because he felt horrible for all the shit you had gone through? Was he angry at himself for not being able to get over his own bullshit to actually open up and care about someone for more than a week? Was he really that big of a hypocrite, showing empathy to clients all the time but shutting out the one person he felt he might-- he couldn’t even think it. He wouldn’t let himself think it. He just composed himself and poured another scotch while turning on the TV, trying to forget what just happened.

His NETFLIX menu popped up; it asked him if he wanted to continue watching Bojack Horseman. He closed his eyes and muttered obscenities in spanish while memories of the night before flooded his brain, making him cry angry tears once more. He finally decided just to go to bed, maybe his brain would release him from torture if he could turn it off.

He wasn’t sure he could ever turn it off now.