#one was due back in fucking june of last year and is apparently nowhere to be found. what is going on

[fingertipsmp3]

Not to be one of those people who complains but why are the two library books I reserved 3 weeks ago (as the first person in the queue mind you. And both of them are popular books with multiple copies available) still not ready

[mathsbian]

This country (the US) hates poor people so fucking much. Not even just the corporations and credit companies! The fucking government!

My partner got a ticket for something stupid like a parking violation years ago. Apparently, they had a court date for that ticket, but they didn’t know about it because the summons for the hearing got sent to an address they hadn’t lived at in five years. The court responded by suspending their driver’s license. And sent that notice to the same bad address. So they didn’t know still.

Two summers ago, we ran out of gas downtown outside the main bus terminal. We walked a mile down the road together to get a gallon of gas, and walked back. When we got back, there was a cop working on calling in a tow for what looked like an abandoned vehicle. When we walked up, he asked if the truck was ours and who had been driving. He ran the plates and my partner’s license even though we hadn’t done anything illegal afaik (maybe walking away from a car that’s out of gas that’s still in the road, even if there’s nowhere to push the car to get it out of the way, is illegal? I don’t know). He walked back over and asked my partner if they were aware their license was suspended. My partner said no. The cop let us go without writing a ticket or confiscating my partner’s license, but insisted I had to be the one to drive home on my expired driver’s license. I’m disabled and don’t feel safe driving a car so that drive home was pretty stressful.

A month or so later we were driving to their parents’ houses a couple counties away to visit their family. We realized on the way down that their truck’s taillights were out and hoped we’d make it before dark. We did not. Two different state troopers pulled us over less than five miles apart. The first one wrote a ticket, confiscated my partner’s license, and made me take over driving again. Part of the ticket was because my partner didn’t have car insurance, because car insurance is really expensive and we’re barely scraping by each month as it is. Driving in the dark is even more difficult for me, so I was already on my way to panicking when the second state trooper pulled us over. We showed him the ticket we had just gotten and he let us go, but that was the first time I have ever been pulled over while driving and my license was expired and I was sure we’d be getting arrested. So even more panicky as we pulled back onto the highway and got to my partner’s mom’s house.

After that ticket, my partner got summoned to court again. It wasn’t for months, and it was a couple of counties away, but not in the county their parents live in. They ended up driving us home, driving to work for the time til the court date, driving us to the store, and driving us back to their mom’s the day before court. We went well before dark this time so we wouldn’t get stopped for the taillights again. Their mom helped get their insurance renewed and took them to court. The court said they could go ahead and renew their license in their county of residence when they got home, and that as long as they kept paying their insurance, there wouldn’t be any more problems. A review of their case was set for January of this year.

In December, they got let go from their job because the company owner realized he was expanding too fast and started making cuts everywhere.

They went in for the review on the appointed date, and all that happened was they were informed they owe the court like SEVEN HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS, after adding up the amounts they were fined, the court fees, and the additional fine for missing court the first time even though there was no way for them to show up to that because they didn’t know they’d been summoned to court. It’s due by June 8. There’s no way we can save up for that by then.

Today? They got a letter saying their license is suspended again for driving while it was suspended two years ago. Even though they were told to renew their license at the last court date, and that there wouldn’t be any problems if they paid their insurance. They aren’t allowed to renew it now until July, with the stipulation that it will stay suspended if they don’t pay off their court dues. So, in this society that has been built to revolve around the personal car, my partner is license-less, has to somehow find a job within walking distance, and then somehow save more money than we’ve ever had saved just to get their license back. And then renewing it will cost another goddamn $40.

I have no clue what we’re supposed to do anymore. They tried applying for unemployment but now it uses ID.me to verify your identity and for whatever reason they couldn’t get their identity verified. Now I’m wondering if it’s because their license got suspended again and we didn’t find out til long after that attempt.

Fucking. FUCK!!! And this is all not even addressing my massive credit card debt that I can’t make payments on because I have no income whatsoever. I’m still fucking waiting on my SSDI decision from my hearing in December. It’s supposed to be arriving soon but who knows how long it will take to get through the mail.

Like how are we supposed to go to the store? My partner can walk there but I don’t know if I can even make it that far, and we get so many groceries at once that we often can’t bring them into the house in one trip, just coming from the trunk of my car. I can’t carry that much AND walk all that way, especially after walking to the store and around the store. Walking around the store often wipes me out on its own.

It’s so fucking expensive being poor already, and it doesn’t help when the government decides to fine you a bunch of money and take your license til you pay.

[revengeisalwaysanoption]

Can you write something about Niccoli being depressed/ having an episode and boys trying to make him feel better?

He doesn't even know how it started.

Well, he has been feeling low for a couple of days could barely get out of bed to eat something and shower but... It has happened before, and it has always helped to have Martino with him. Not lately.

Usually he blames the weather - it's worse when outside it's all dark and rainy - but he can't even have that, now. There isn't a cloud in the sky, as he looks out the window. It adds insult to injury, as if there was some kind of higher power telling him 'How can you feel so unhappy, when the sun is shining and everything is fine out there?'

Rationally, he knows that it must have something to do with the exams fast approaching in June but it has never been so bad.

He is fucking tired of being told "Stop worrying about the future."

It’s not something he does on purpose, and it’s always too late when he realizes that his mind drifted where it wasn't allowed to.

Does Martino know how exhausting it is to persuade himself that his fears have no reason to exist?

How dumb his inability to take things as they come, minute by minute, makes him feel?

Sooner or later, he will have to choose what to do with this life. Postponing the decision doesn’t make it disappear. It’s always there, at the back of his mind. With all its potential downfalls.

He hasn’t even brought up the topic of moving to Milan, because he dreads both a positive (‘so you can’t wait for me to leave, uh?) and a negative reaction (it’s my future we’re talking about, stop making it about you!’) from Marti.

He can’t see himself living in Rome for another year, but he can't be without Martino.

That's absurd. It's not healthy to be so co-dependent on someone. He needs to learn how to survive without him. Besides, Martino deserves better than dating a nutjob that keeps on dragging him down, with his weird moods and paranoid fears of being abandoned. And it doesn't matter how many times he will tell Nico that he isn't going anywhere. Eventually, he will walk away. Niccolò will do something to fuck this up, like he always does.

Martino will get tired of having to talk sense into him, of his love being doubted and put to test all the fucking time. Of fighting about money, of telling him that he can pay for himself and doesn’t need Niccolò to cover all his expenses.

He will soon understand that they don’t have much in common, that they rarely listen to the same music or appreciate the same movies, books or tv shows. That they don’t even work that well as friends.

He can’t have Marti here, when he’s clearly not taking proper care of himself. Studying when he should be sleeping, eating too little, because babysitting Niccolò is a full time job.

It makes everything worse.

He hates that Martino turn down invitations from the boys just to spend time with him. Hates himself for letting that happen.

"Why don't you just go? Get lost. Stop wasting your time with a depressed fuck like me, Marti! There’s nothing you can do…”

It's a low blow, and he knows it. He regret those words as soon as they are out of his mouth, but it’s too late to take them back. Those are the very same words Martino in that bathroom, all those months ago, when he talked about his own mother. They are like a slap to his face, but Marti still refuses to back down.

“I was wrong, and you know it. Nico, please. Don’t shut me out.”

And he wants to open the door and surrender to his soft touch, to break down in his arms. Put his mind to rest for a while. But he can’t be that selfish.

“Go. I’m begging you, Marti. Leave.” He bites back his tears, holding tighter onto his pillow.

"As you wish." Martino chokes out, defeated, walking away.

*********************

Martino is persistent, and stubborn.

It's both a blessing and a curse.

He's glad to know that he cares, that he won't give up on him when things get tough. That he can sense when Niccolò is self-sabotaging himself and he won't have any of that.

It's a painful reminder of how little Nico is giving back, how he should be the better man and let Marti find someone who can hand him the world.

He keeps trying to reach out to him, with a few 'hey, call me when you feel better' and a 'thinking about you

'I know you’re trying, but... you're not helping.' He texts back, resorting to half-truths.

It works, but it doesn’t take too long before he starts to regret it.

It has been barely more than 24 hours since he last got a text from Martino, but it feels like a week.'Well done, Niccolò. You drove him away. Mission accomplished.'He mutters to himself, throwing the phone against the wall so violently that its pieces go flying all over the room.

***********************

Giovanni is the first to show up. He doesn’t ask about their fight, doesn’t even mention Martino.

He sits in front of the door and starts making small talk, telling him about the last movie he has seen and the book he’s reading at the moment.

“I never thought I would like Nick Hornby, you know, but then Eva got Slam for me, because you know, she figured it was about skateboarding… it isn’t, but that’s okay, it’s good… and I actually liked it so much I went looking for more. I bet you’d love Juliet, naked. It’s about music, but it’s nowhere as pretentious as High Fidelity is. It’s a book against pretentiousness when it comes to art, really. I have it here, with me, if you want to give it a try.”

Niccolò doesn’t contribute much to the conversation, but Giovanni doesn’t seem to mind.

He moves on to the latest news from school, about Luchino and how disappointed he was to find out there are plenty of girls crushing on Gio and Elia but none interested in him.

“Can you believe he handed out an anonymous survey?”

“Well. It’s Luca we’re talking about…” They both laugh at that, and Niccolò finally feels comfortable enough to ask if Martino asked him to come and check on him.

“No, zi’… He didn’t have to. I am here for you, is that so hard to believe?” Yes. Yes, it is. “And I’m not leaving until you read this and tell me what you think about this.” He waves his latest essay in front of the yellow tinted glass. He’s just about to try sliding it under the door, when Niccolò finally gives up and lets him in.

“Wow, you look like you haven't slept in a week.”

“Thanks.” He looks up, only to feel crushed by the weight of Giovanni’s concerned glare. How can he be calm, so composed, when Niccolò just broke his best friend’s heart again? “Would you like some coffee, while I read this?”

It’s good. Nico doesn’t agree with half of the things he wrote, but Gio knows how to make a compelling argument and make him go ‘Okay, you have a point there.” His essay is informative, never patronizing or sounding like the same old propaganda. It’s hard to believe he didn’t get a 10 for it. ‘8 for overuse of semi-colons, inconsistencies in style and voice.’

Bullshit. Galante couldn’t give mark that essay with a 10 because he couldn’t stand to read opinions different from his own, couldn’t have students thinking they should pursue writing as a career only to end up like him, teaching Italian literature to a bunch of idiots who couldn’t tell the difference between a metaphor and a metonymy.

“Ha! They keep telling me I’m projecting, that I’m the teacher’s pet but I knew you’d understand! He is lenient with those who can barely write down a coherent and grammatically correct thought, but God forbid if he actually acknowledges excellence! Not that I’m that good, but…”

Hey, hey, hey. No self-deprecation allowed in this room, unless it’s coming from Niccolò himself.

“You are. I mean, I’m no literary critic but I think you’re great. This is great.”

“Says Mr. 9/10.”

“I’m no better than you, I just mastered the art of telling people what they want to hear.”

“Ever thought about getting into politics?”

*******************************

It’s Elia, next.

He doesn’t even knock, just walks in to tell him that he’s gonna cook him something because he looks like death warmed over.

It doesn’t matter if he’s not hungry, at the moment. He can save the food for later, and learn an invaluable life skill in the process.

“I can’t believe you’re losing your shit over moving to Milan, in a couple of months. I mean, if you are afraid you’re not gonna survive due to your non-existent culinary abilities, which is understandable, I am here to help.”

He isn’t bothered at all by Niccolò’s apparent lethargy and lack of focus, he shows him the ropes and then lets him take his time. He slaps his nape when he gets something wrong, but then he smiles at him and helps him fix his mistake. Encourages him to start all over from scratch, if needed.

So what if it takes them hours to bake a quiche, to make an omelette or a tiramisu? It’s not like they’ve got better things to do.

Elia talks much less than one would expect, content to spend an entire afternoon just giving out orders and tips to Nico. Fishing for some advice on how to improve his chances to get laid, by the time they are putting the tiramisu in the fridge.

“Take them somewhere romantic. Cook them a fancy meal. Show them that you never take them for granted and think about the two of you together whenever you are apart.” He has never been one for meaningless one-night stands, and it shows.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure that worked like magic with Martino.” Elia sighs, ruffling Nico’s hair. “But I’m interested in making them fall in love with me… I’m trying to get into their pants, here, man.”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you, then.” He shrugs, grinning when Elia flops dramatically into the sofa and demands a FIFA match. If he assumes him to be worse than Luchino, at this game… Well, he’s in for quite the surprise.

“Well, of course. I don’t know what I expected from someone who can take their shirt off and have people falling over him.”

“Maybe you could come to the gym with me, next time?”

 ***************************************

Luca storms into his room, with a bag full of junk food and a USB in his hand.

“I don’t know what you’re into, so I’m just sharing my favourite ones…” Of course, he would come bringing porn as a gift.

He’s got no filter, so he doesn’t shy away from a topic just because it would be inappropriate to ask Niccolò if he’s got a food kink – no, because there’s a lady on Twitter that could fit an apple in her ass and that got him wondering how does it feel… - and looks a bit disappointed when Nico moves on to another topic without giving him a proper answer.

It’s probably the first time he found someone willing to hear him out, because he can’t shut up for a second. Mooning over Slivia, moaning about his 4 in Physics - “I know you’re gonna tell me that being held back a year isn’t the end of the world, but… My mom is going to kill me, if I fail” – complaining about his little brother and the lack of a girlfriend.

Niccolò finds it invigorating, to finally have a friend who’s like ‘I’m telling you how pathetic my life is and if you wanna share your woes you’re more than welcome to. If you don’t, I can talk for both of us. We’re not here to compare who’s got it worse.’

When Niccolò think he’s done, that he’s run out of things to say… Luca recalls the last time his mother almost caught him and Martino smoking weed and he had to hand him the joint and hide him under his bed. Only for his mother to say ‘Say hi to Martino for me’ before she left.

“Now she thinks I’m dating him, but that I feel too uncomfortable to come out and she’s dropping hints about how she wouldn’t love me or my brother any less if we were into boys… And I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth… But yeah, I’m glad you find this entertaining.” He huffs, but the smile on his lips tell a different story: he’s quite proud of himself, for making him laugh.

He’s the first not to tiptoe around Marti, to say be brave enough to say “You’re miserable. He’s miserable, so why don’t you both apologize to each other and get it over with?”

“It’s not that simple, Luchì.”

“Yes it is. Now give me your phone.”

[sunsetinmyvein]

Just Off the Key of Reason - Chapter Twelve - Me and My Plus One

Saturday, 28th of April, 2007 – Chicago, Illinois

This time around, Patrick at least knew why he was being ignored. He couldn’t say he was overly comfortable with the situation but this time he knew what the cause behind it was. At least he was pretty sure he knew what it was; his memory was kind of hazy up until when Joe had interrupted them.  As his head hung over his toilet bowl the following morning, he tried to recall everything to the best of his ability through his pounding headache. It felt like a freight train had pushed its way through his ear canal and left a train of destruction as it pushed from one side of his head to the other, but he could make out some details through the debris. He had sent her a few half-drunken texts shortly after Pete had interrogated him about his opinion on their party planning, and unsurprisingly, they went unanswered. The night had ended not long after that, partially due to Patrick kicking people out one by one in his attempts to find her, and partially due to people actually having to go home. Once everyone had left Patrick found himself moping in his bedroom until the sun started creeping through his curtains the following morning. In the cold light of day, being forced to throw up the contents of his stomach, he was beginning to feel like maybe last night wasn’t his best decision. He should’ve known better. He should have known that it would only leave him feeling worse and wanting even more answers than he had been given. She had told him to forget it, so maybe that’s exactly what he should, would do.

 Thursday, 14th of June, 2007 – Chicago, Illinois

The time gradually ticked by in their time off. Andy had a low key family get-together for his 27th birthday in late May; meanwhile Pete had another raging party in a privately hired club for his 28th in early June to celebrate getting through his 27th year on this Earth that he never felt he’d make it to. Eventually they had to start getting ready to go back on tour. The bus was hired for the month that they would need it and was scheduled to meet them in Washington after their flight. Guitars were packed, drums were neatly slipped into their boxes, and merch was chosen. Mostly that had all been sent earlier so that it could take the longer, and cheaper, way around. Interviews were had, signings were attended, promos were released – anything to make sure that people knew Fall Out Boy were coming. If the first of their two months off had been a break, the second had been intentionally made as busy as possible just to make touring seem easy in comparison. In the process of all this commotion, Patrick had found himself meeting many new people. One of whom took a shine to him, and he took a shine to her. All of a sudden he found himself with a girlfriend. A girlfriend who wanted to come on tour with him. This was unfamiliar territory for him; he’d never properly dated anyone since they started touring regularly. She was one of the people who worked in the studio, so she wouldn’t be coming on the road normally, but he had assured her that she could come along to the first two shows with him. From there she was going to meet a friend in Oregon and they’d drive home together. He was more than happy to let the excitement of the new experience keep his mind occupied.

 The band and immediate crew members had crammed themselves into a row of seats at the airport, waiting patiently – or impatiently in Andy’s case – for their red eye flight to Washington. He sat there bouncing his knee as he watched the clock in the corner of the electronic poster in front of them. The time gradually counted up and up as he anxiously glanced around the waiting area for their missing bassist.

“Where the fuck is he?” He grumbled under his breath.

“He’ll be here, man. He was in that group chat with the flight times, just like the rest of us.” Joe reasoned from under his eye mask. He had decided as soon as they sat down that it was far too late to still be functioning and had opted to take a nap in the waiting room seat. But their drummer’s constant worrying had mostly prevented that from happening.

“It’s five minutes until we board. You’ve not heard anything from him?” His question fell upon deaf ears. Joe was either ignoring him or half asleep already and Patrick was too engrossed in his conversation with his girlfriend to care. He kicked Patrick’s shin across the aisle, earning an ‘ow’ in response as he attempted to rub the pain out of his leg. “Pete? Have you heard from him?” He asked again.

“No, I haven’t spoken to him since the day after my party.” Patrick glared back.

“Well, I’m going to call-” Before he could even punch the numbers into his phone, a familiar, overly loud, laugh filled the mostly empty gates.

“I told you he’d be here.” Joe mumbled.

 “Are you not meant to be my babysitter?” Pete laughed as he dropped his backpack from his shoulder. Patrick felt himself tense at those words, trying to remain interested in his conversation but suddenly finding it very hard to remain focused. “I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be giving me tips about how to get as drunk as I can on the plane.”

“You said you don’t like flying. If you’re totally wasted, you won’t even remember you did it.” She shrugged as the two of them walked up to join the group. Patrick felt the hairs prickle on the back of his neck. They hadn’t spoken in over two weeks. He had assumed that she wasn’t coming back for the second leg of the tour. The label had never mentioned her staying on for another month.

“I might also try and join the mile high club though.” He chuckled as he nudged her in the ribs.

Joe snorted loudly with a laugh, “Don’t pretend like you haven’t already.”

 Eventually Patrick caved to the nagging feeling in the back of his mind and looked up at her from the waiting room chair. She was rifling through her bag, he assumed for her boarding pass. The conversation he had been having was still droning on in the background of his thoughts. He felt like maybe he should say something about where they left off, but if she hadn’t wanted to talk then, why would she now? He stared at her in a stupefied silence until eventually she looked up from her bag and met his gaze. Her eyes flicked from his to above his head.

“New hat?” She asked with an eyebrow raised.

“Uh, yeah.” He absentmindedly touched the fedora atop his head. “The other one…” He swallowed hard as he tried to force the words out, “it kept getting in the way.” He could’ve sworn he saw a blush creep onto her cheeks, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it because soon enough his girlfriend was grabbing his arm and dragging him to the gate to board their flight.

 Friday, 15th of June, 2007 – Seattle, Washington

The flight was mostly uneventful. To avoid his crippling anxiety of impending doom on a metal death trap, Pete doped himself up on some sleeping pills and in-flight vodka. When he came to he was draped across a couch somewhere. He felt vaguely like he was moving, but he himself wasn’t. Was he in a car? His eyes slowly came into focus and he realised he was facing a small living area. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up, figuring he must have been relocated to the tour bus. A little part of him wondered who had the pleasure of hauling his unconscious ass here, but given the fact that a blanket was draped around his waist and a water bottle sat at his feet, he assumed it was probably Andy. Also he wasn’t entirely sure if anyone else would be able to carry him without assistance. He glanced around the small area at the back of the bus, spying the kitchen through the aisle of bunks and feeling his stomach growl. How long had he been out? Apparently long enough that he felt that familiar sleep induced unsteady feeling settling in his legs.  The bus seemed dark; it must still be early morning. All of the bunks had their curtains pulled shut so he assumed they had left him here while they all went to bed. He ambled through to the kitchen, examining what was in the well-stocked cupboards. This was a hell of a lot fancier than what they had in the past. The appliances were all chrome and shiny, there was a proper benchtop and even an oven cooktop combo. They must have either hired or purchased this bus from new. He absentmindedly wondered how fancy a tour bus kitchen would have to be before he decided they had made it as he refiled through the food supplies. He couldn’t help but snicker with the knowledge that the label had intended for this to last the whole tour. It would last a week at best.

 After much consideration he settled on a packet of pancake mix, it seemed the most practical option and he was excited to use appliances that he’d never had the thrill of using on a moving vehicle before. Would it be easier to flip pancakes with the momentum of the bus? But before his hand could even come into contact with the gas dial, it was rudely slapped away.

“Fucking hell,” He squeaked in surprise as he pulled his hand up to his chest, “don’t sneak up on people like that.”

“You are banned from the gas appliances.” She ordered as she moved in between him and the stove.

“What? Why?” He tried to reach around her to at least retrieve the pancake mix but she wouldn’t budge.

“Because you have a tendency to explode things.” She explained, narrowing her eyes at him. He vaguely remembered fireworks in hotels.

“No, I don’t.” He lied. “But even if I did, how am I going to cook pancakes without a stove?”

“I guess you’ll have fun working that out.” She grinned up at him. They stood there in silence for a few moments, waiting for the other to stand down, until he admitted defeat. He groaned loudly, instead grabbing a bag of chips from the counter and moving to sink back into the couch.

 The two of them decided to watch whatever terrible show was on at five in the morning in the middle of nowhere, killing time until everyone else woke up. She had gotten up early to make sure everything on the bus was working before everyone attempted to use it, at least that way they would be able to accurately tell if Pete did break anything, or if it just came like that. They’d grown a lot closer in the month or so since Patrick’s party. Anyone who was willing to assist with Pete’s antics was someone he considered a friend. He was also beginning to find her company considerably more tolerable than what it had been at the start of their tour. Even despite that every second conversation was her reprimanding him for something. After a few minutes of static silence Pete threw a chip in her vague direction. She looked over at him in confusion.

“How’s things with you and lover boy?” He asked with an eyebrow raised. She rolled her eyes.

“How’s things with you and your girlfriend?” She shot back, voice laced with sarcasm.

“Good, actually.” He nodded. The confused stare he got in response urged him to continue. “We, uh… we didn’t break up this time, we’re going to try the long distance thing.” It was still a concept that didn’t sit well with him, but he figured if Patrick could work it out, then so could he.

“Oh. Well, good for you guys. I hope it goes well.” She smiled back at him, reaching across the table to grab a handful of chips. He pulled the bag away from her as he clicked his tongue.

“Nuh-uh. Answer my question.”

 She let out a heavy sigh. “That should be pretty self-explanatory, Pete. He’s on tour with his girlfriend.” Since coming back onto the tour she was trying her best to ignore the changes that had occurred in their month off. Patrick’s hair had grown out quite a bit, nearly coming down to his shoulders. He also seemed very attached to his new hat, she was yet to see him without it. In addition, and probably the most hard-hitting change, they hadn’t spoken except for their brief exchange in the airport. It was odd going from being attached at the hip to suddenly having a minimum ten metre gap between you at all times.

“That doesn’t mean shit. She goes home after two shows and you’re still here.” He finally offered the bag over to her and allowed her to take a handful.

“They won’t break up just because she goes home. Patrick’s not like you.” She laughed dryly, trying to avoid the slightest amount of hope sitting in the back of her mind that maybe Patrick was like Pete.

“I take offense to that.” He gasped. “But you never know. Crazier things have happened.” He shrugged, stuffing a wad of chips into his mouth.

“Yeah, like you being a bass player in a band when you’re terrible at it.” She grinned.

“You’re sho mean ooday.”  He garbled, spraying chips over the living room table.

[awkwardshanandagins]

Well, shit, there goes my vision...

One step forward and two steps back.  If you were to ask me to sum up my fertility journey in one sentence, that’s what how I would describe it.  At least

up until this point.  Every time we take a step in the right direction, the universe shoves me backwards.  This past week it feels more like 300 steps backwards.

In May of this year, I had my second laparoscopy on my baby maker.  I also had a procedure done called “ovarian drilling.” Sounds terrible, right?  I figured while they were in there they might as well fuck shit up as much as possible.  No but really, it’s about as bad it sounds.   It’s a procedure in which they burn little holes into your ovaries.   From what our fertility doc told us, this isn’t a commonly used practice but has been shown to help lower testosterone production and help with fertility but only temporarily.  My understanding from the little bit I read about it is that us ladies with PCOS develop a hard outer shell around our ovaries in which burning the holes helps break that up.   Somehow that hard outer shell makes it even more difficult for women with PCOS to get pregnant.  Don’t quote me on this, I’m not a doctor, obviously.  Well hopefully my hard outer shell is nice and shattered.   I’ll stop using that term now, it’s only making me think of those little easter egg candies that are solid chocolate and have the hard outer shell.  My favorite!!!  Anyways, not the point.

Now that I’ve probably turned you off those easter egg candies forever, or at least gave you the gift of envisioning my ovaries while eating them, I’ll get back to my what I was saying.

Our plan was to have that surgery and attempt IUI, which is insemination (practically the turkey-baster method), once my doctor gave me the okay, unless we changed our minds to IVF which was quickly happening.  My OBGYN is a kind older gentleman who takes his sweet, sweet time doing absolutely everything but I deal with the slowness because he’s the only one I’ve found who listens.  As I’m sure so many already know, finding the right doctors is essential but usually super complicated.  He told me I’d be good to start trying IUI at six weeks out from surgery.  He suggested that once he “does his thing,” the fertility doc quickly start his part of this lovely process.

Depending on who you talk to you’ll get different information on whether laparoscopy actually improves fertility.  My OBGYN is certain it will help my chances while my fertility doctor said it will have absolutely no effect whatsoever.  My fertility doc actually suggested I don’t have the surgery at all and just go straight to IVF.  He said the only reason to get a laparoscopy these days is for pain.  Honestly, that was my main concern at this point anyways.  I couldn’t go through the next several months of fertility treatments with the pain the endo has caused so I was going ahead with the surgery no matter what he said.   This is when he suggested the ovarian drilling.  He told me it was an easy procedure and I might as well have it done while my OBGYN is already in there burning the crap out of my insides (my words, not his).  He said doing the drilling might give me better success with IUI if that was the route I was choosing.

So flash forward a few weeks and here we are.  I see my OBGYN in two days to make sure everything is healed okay.  If so, I’d be able to start the process for IUI or IVF.  We were getting SO excited thinking within the next couple months we could finally be pregnant after 5+ years of trying.  Of course, we know our chances with IUI are about that of a person with no fertility problems getting pregnant any given month but hey that’s a better chance than we’ve ever had before!  Plus, we’re not ready to jump straight to IVF.  I mean, dear lord have you seen how much that costs?!?!?! I f you aren’t to that point yet, I don’t mean to scare you but holy hell our babies are going to be expensive, ladies!! Also, what if we skip right to IVF and it doesn’t work?  That’s our last resort.  We have no other option at that point.  If IVF doesn’t work, I won’t be carrying our child and that scares the shit out of me. So, we just aren’t there yet.  We’ll take our chances on IUI and pray God will come through.

It’s funny how fast things can change.  Here we are looking forward to FINALLY starting the process of HOPEFULLY getting pregnant and whammy, life kicks us in the balls.

I was at work last Wednesday, June 21st, just doing my thing, looking forward to a new promotion coming my way (a story for another day) when my vision changed suddenly.  You know when you look at the sun for too long and you lose vision and see bright spots?  That’s what happened, kind of. I started seeing funny out of my left eye, out of nowhere.  One second I could see and the next second I couldn’t.  I could see with both eyes open but when I closed my right eye whatever I looked at with my left eye disappeared.  I was just missing a chunk of my vision.  I could kind of make out things in my peripherals but anytime I would move my focus the dark orb would follow and envelop anything I was trying to look at.

I thought maybe I just looked out my window at the brightness a little too long so I gave it a few minutes to see if it would come back.  I don’t even know if that’s a thing, but that was my first thought.  It didn’t come back.  I spoke to a coworker who told me about her ocular migraines and how what I was experiencing sounded similar to what she experiences.  I took some advil thinking it would help this ocular migraine I was probably having and decided to wait it out.  She told me for the 20 years she’s had them, they never last more than an hour.  Great! I was already over an hour of not seeing but everyone’s different so I assumed it would pass quickly.

I’m a worrier.  I make situations in my mind worse than they usually are. Probably from my fear of death which stems from losing my brother at such a young age, but we can psychoanalyze me later.  First thought, tumor!  I don’t know why, but tumor is my go-to.  Weird ringing in my ear?  Tumor.  Headache?   Tumor.  Pinky toe hurts?  Tumor!!! You see where I’m going with this.  My other coworker, who was familiar with my tumor paranoia, assured me it was not a tumor and just a migraine.  Deep down, I knew it was only a migraine, but who doesn’t like to be dramatic to spice things up in a boring office job?

It had been at least two hours with no vision so I thought I should make an appointment just in case.  I’d rather know for sure it is an ocular migraine to bring my crazy brain some peace of mind.  They could fit me in at 3:15 that day. It was only 11:00.  Cool, four more hours I could sit around and panic.  Just what a Wednesday needs!  I sent my boss an email letting her know what was going on.  At this point, I was certain she was sick of my shit. I had only been back a week and a half from my two week leave for surgery which I had not planned.  Another story for a different time. I missed a lot of work with PCOS and endo (and always feeling like crap but never knowing why) and as understanding as she was, I knew she was probably thinking “dear lord Shanda, what is it this time?”

In talking to my coworker about my almost definite tumor, I remembered my mom had lost her vision in one eye quite a few years back, due to a blood clot.  Oh cool, even better, now I have a blood clot on top of my tumor.  I called my mom and she told me she had Central Retinal Artery Occlusion.  Basically, she had a blood clot that burst and took her vision with it.  This happened when she was 40 and she was now 65. Her doctor told her she was incredibly young to have that happen to her as it usually only occurs in people who are 60 or older.  The good part, she had no pain.  The bad part?  Vision loss is permanent.   That same coworker heard me on the phone talking (probably closer to shrieking) about a blood clot and IM’d me saying “you’re good.”  Thank goodness for her. She keeps me grounded when I spiral out about all my tumors.  She was overly confident it was just a migraine.

I got to the eye doctor and they immediately dilated my left eye so I’d be ready for the doctor by the time he was ready for me.  My pupils are already huge, which every eye doctor always comments on like it’s some sort of weird compliment.  Thank you, I grew them myself!  So, when my eyes are dilated, they get enormous. I look like some sort of weird anime character.  This time I looked like a weird anime character on drugs since it was only one pupil.  It was fun staring at people in the waiting room, winking at them, making them uncomfortable.

When I met with the doctor, he said he originally thought from my symptoms that it was an ocular migraine.  Ocular migraines do not last more than two hours usually so he was concerned it was something else.   My retinas were still attached which was great news!  That was actually my real fear since I’ve always been told I’m at high risk for retinal detachment which can cause permanent vision loss.

After all the tests, he mentioned it was apparent I was missing a big chunk of my vision in my left eye.  Thank you, Dr. Obvious.  He couldn’t see behind my eye to figure out the problem but expected it to be a Central Retinal Artery Occlusion.  I had already forgotten the term from my mom telling it to me earlier.  He explained it’s a blood clot and can cause permanent damage.  He was referring me to a retina specialist.  He told me before I left that if I wake up the next morning and could see, he would assume it was a retinal migraine.  Still, he said, retinal migraines normally don’t last over 2 hours but anything is possible.  I had hope!  I was sure I’d see that next morning.

I tried so hard not to cry in front of him.  I’m sure he saw the tears welting up in my eyes so I hurried out.  While paying, I realized this was not covered by my eye “insurance” because it was considered medical and I should have gone to Kaiser.  Wish they would tell you this shit up front!  I had them fax my paperwork to Kaiser which led to a whole other mess of problems.

As soon as I got in the car, I lost it.  The thought of permanently losing vision in one eye is awful.  I realize things could be so much worse, but still, it felt like a huge loss.  I called my husband on the way home and told him through my ugly crying that it might be permanent.  In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have been driving with one eye, crying and talking on the phone.  Have no fear!  I am an excellent driver and hurt no one that day.

I talked to my mom later that night and asked her again what she had happen to her eye since I couldn’t remember all these damn words.  I told her what they thought it was and that I was supposed to see a specialist the following day.  She insisted on driving me.  Probably a good call.

I wanted to try to go to work that next day so I didn’t piss off my boss but I woke up around 1:45 a.m. and my heart jumped because I remembered the doctor said if I “wake up and can see” it was just a migraine.  I shot open my eyes like a creepy horror flick scene and realized I still could not see.  I had a total meltdown.  My poor husband, trying to sleep, and there I am shaking the whole bed from my convulsion like crying.  I didn’t go back to sleep that night.  I laid there feeling sorry for myself and grieving my vision loss as I was sure it was never coming back.  I called and left a message for my boss that I wouldn’t be in. I didn’t care anymore at that point.  I was sad and scared, mostly exhausted, but I just didn’t care if she was mad.

I impatiently waited for 8:30 when the optometrist’s office opened at Kaiser.  They said they’d call me first thing in the morning after the eye doctor faxed the paperwork.  They didn’t. Of course they didn’t.   Why would they?  I hate medical offices.  They just dilly dally around as if nothing is ever a big deal.  This is a big deal!  This is a huge fucking deal to me!  This affects the rest of my life.  I called at 8:40.  They didn’t have the paperwork.  I immediately called the other doctor who said they already faxed it the night before but would do it again.  Why do all doctor’s offices have to function this way?  I have not met one person who has ever thought “easy breezy” is a good way to explain their experience with doctor’s offices.

About 30 minutes later I get a call from Kaiser.  It was a young woman on the other end.  She sounded sweet and innocent almost like a child, but boy did I want to punch that child once we hung up.  She said the person who needed to review my file before letting me see a doctor would be in the next day and would contact me.  She assured me she was quick and would call me early.  Oh thank you, you little asshole!  I’ll just sit here another day, without vision, possibly dying from a tumor, and wait for the “fast” lady to review my file. “NO.”  I think I shocked her.  How did this seem okay in her child like brain?  Sudden loss or change of vision is considered an emergency and now they want to make me wait another day.  How fucking dare they!  They don’t know who they’re messing with, I will scream cry in all their stupid faces.  She said there was someone else who could review my file.  Why she didn’t just do that in the first place baffles me but it must be that child-like brain of hers that hasn’t fully developed.  She calls me back and says I have to get all the same tests I already had done the night before since that doctor’s notes were “vague.”  She wouldn’t let me see a specialist because “that’s the doctor’s recommendation ma’am.”  I swear to God if it was possible, I would have reached through that phone and throat chopped the shit out of her.  Fine.  It’s better to see someone than no one at all.  The appointment wasn’t until that afternoon.  Fun!  Another full day of sitting around obsessing about the tumor that was most assuredly taking over my brain.

I called my mom, ugly crying yet again.  As you can tell, I was dealing with things very well.  She told me she’d still pick me up and take me to that appointment and suggested for me to try to get some rest.  Yeah right.  A little later, my sister-in-law called me.  She’s been a nurse for that past 7+ years.  She validated my concerns.  She told me this was an emergency and if Kaiser wouldn’t let me see a specialist, she was taking me to the ER.  I HATE the ER!  They make you sit and wait forever with people coughing and snotting all over themselves and then they just tell you to follow up with your doctor anyways.  I told her I would have my mom take me to urgent care.

My mom called me a little later and told me she got in touch with my uncle who is pretty high up in Kaiser.  He was angry they were not treating this as an emergency and told her to take me to urgent care.   He also got me in touch with the head of the whole damn department who finally ended up getting me in with a specialist.  It’s all about who you know.  This whole ordeal took hours and I had to call the freaking head of the department in Washington D.C. just to get a damn appointment! Fuck you very much Kaiser.

I saw Dr. Miller that afternoon who, right off the bat, assured me it was very unlikely I had a Central Retinal Artery Occlusion.  After all of the testing he informed me he thought I had what is called Optic Neuritis which is where the optic nerve connecting your eye to your brain becomes inflamed and obstructs your vision.  Good news is, it’s likely my vision will return in 6-8 weeks.  He said he could also treat me with a heavy dose of steroids which would help my vision come back sooner, but the steroids come with a lot of side effects.  The last thing my moody-self needs is roid-rage.  I felt a heavy weight lifted from my chest.  I would get my vision back!!!!!  He told me he wanted me to get a MRI just to be sure.  The appointment was about over but I figured I’d throw one last question into the mix.  How does optic neuritis happen?  Does the nerve just randomly inflame?  It’s almost as if he was trying to avoid giving me this information.  He told me not to worry right up front.  Smart!  Every time you start a sentence with “don’t worry…BUT,” you know the person is going into full blown panic.   Optic neuritis is the first sign of Multiple Sclerosis.  The MRI would be able to show if I have lesions on my brain which would indicate MS.   He said there’s a chance I don’t have MS but could develop it over time or I could already have it.  “Try not to worry.”  Sure.  You just told a person who always resorts to worst case scenario that she has MS, but I’m sure worry is the last thing she’ll do.  Pffft.

My family was all relieved until I threw in the fun news about possible MS.  My sister and mom both tried to make me promise not to Google anything until I had the MRI and got the results. Ha! Yeah okay, like that’s going to work.  I am a professional Web-MD’er.  My mom took me home and I ugly cried one more time.

I waited maybe an hour before I was on Google frantically looking up MS.  I’ve always heard the term but never really knew much about the disease.  Going through the symptoms was like looking at a description of me the past few years.  Everything was making sense.  This was me! I already diagnosed myself with MS.  I looked over at my husband who had been intently staring at his phone for awhile.  He looked up and said “this is you.”  I texted my sister to let her know I had in fact Googled the shit out of MS only to find out, she did too.  She texted back and said “I think you’ve had this for years.”   Eventually, my mom texted and agreed, this all sounded like what I had been dealing with for years.

It feels like in a matter of seconds, my life changed.  I know I had no diagnosis yet and there was a very real chance I didn’t have MS, but I was convinced I did. I had to schedule my MRI for the following week on Tuesday.  It was only Thursday.  What a fun weekend I was going to have!  There is no way I wouldn’t worry about something like this even though my doctor told me not to.  I thought about it all weekend.  I called in Friday as well and cried and Googled all day.  Like I said, I was really dealing with this well.  I wanted to prepare myself for what I was certain was coming my way.

The good news about MS is it’s completely manageable.  I got to a point over the weekend where I was at peace with the idea of having it. At least I would finally have an answer to why I’ve felt like shit for so long.  It would assure me that I have not been crazy this whole time and I’m not just a hypochondriac as my family would always joke about.   Going to the doctor and constantly being told nothing is wrong with you really has a way of making you look and feel like a crazy person.  MS would take that away.  I wasn’t a crazy person, I was a person with MS. Not only am I a person with MS, I’m also a person with PCOS and endometriosis.  Sheesh, that’s a lot on a body.  No wonder I felt like crap all the time.  There was nothing for me to do at this point but sit and wait.

I have been an emotional wreck since last Wednesday night.  My moods are crazier than ever and I’ve cried so much I really don’t know how there is any fluid left in my body.  Tuesday, my husband took me to get the MRI.  Thank God I had my doctor prescribe me some anxiety meds.   MRIs are really not that much fun.  The first ten minutes were the worst.  I had the most irrational fear while I was in there.  I’m back to thinking I’m a crazy person.  I was worried some sort of disaster was occurring while I was in the machine and the lady doing my MRI was no longer there.  She left me in this machine which would never stop running and I would be stuck in forever!  I thought my head was strapped down and I was certain there was no way for me to escape.  She had put a wash cloth over my eyes so I wouldn’t be able to look around and panic, which was helpful, but I also now could not plan my escape route, if in fact the zombie apocalypse was occurring at that exact moment.   Luckily, she pulled me out to put dye in my IV.  I told her I was worried about being stuck and she informed me I could just wiggle my way out of the machine.  I’m so dumb sometimes.  Where do I come up with these crazy scenarios?  The second half of the MRI was fine.  I actually relaxed and let the vibrations soothe me a bit.

Now comes the worst part, waiting.  She said my doctor would get the results in 3-5 days! It feels like an eternity and I’m now only on day two. I’m trying to keep my mind and body busy while I wait but have I told you how amazing I am at multitasking?  I can be busy and STILL think about all this crap.  As of yesterday afternoon, I have even more time on my hands to obsess.  My boss sat me down yesterday morning and convinced me to take some time off.  She’s seen me around work, tripping, running into walls, crying and just looking like complete death.  She knows I’ve been struggling and that I feel terrible both physically and mentally, it’s really not that hard to see.  My eyes are sunken and almost always filled with tears and I just stumble around like a drunk person bashing into things and knocking everything over.   It’s actually a little complicated to get used to only one eye.  I was a clumsy disaster before losing my vision, it has only intensified.

I am thankful she talked me into taking time off.  It was something I knew I needed but I wasn’t willing to admit.  I’ve always worked really hard at my job and I take pride in my accomplishments.  Admitting that I wasn’t up to the task was almost physically painful for me.  I know God had a role in this.  He saw I needed a break and that I wouldn’t do it myself so he forced me into it.  My boss would not have taken no for an answer.  Back to FMLA, hopefully.  I’m still waiting to hear if it’s approved and I just recently applied for short term disability.  This is all very surreal.  This is not how I saw my 30th birthday going.  Oh did I mention, my birthday was a month and half ago?  It’s been awesome.  So far I’ve gone to the ER in New Orleans, had surgery, was forced into taking more time off than I expected to, lost my vision in my right eye and now might have MS.  Solid start to my thirties.

I have to say, through all of this, I have been extremely blessed.  I have the absolute best support system anyone could wish for.  My family is amazing.  My husband, my parents, my sister…they’ve all been there for me every step of the way.  They’ll let me cry on the phone and bitch for as long as I need.  They reassure me and lift my spirits consistently.  My sister-in-law has been so supportive as well as my close friends.  We all need support at certain times in our lives.  This is that time in my life.

Needless to say, IUI/IVF has been put on hold.  As devastating as it is, there is no way my body can carry a baby right now.  So many things are still unknown.  We will get there someday.  We are determined to have a child and I cannot wait to hold my baby in my arms.  Until then, we will wait as patiently as possible and continue to pray.

[klainelynch]

2017 in review

I always say that I’m going to post a “how my year was” at the end of the year, but I have an awful memory so I never remember what happened in each month. This year, I tried to post about each month as it finished- the good and the bad. Under a cut because of course it got long, and I never seem to post about my real life, so this may be boring if you don’t actually know me.

January

Got a snow day after having students for just one day

Accidentially read a book in one night (Perfect) because of aforementioned snow day/borrowing it electronically from the library/not knowing how many pages there were (not that many since it’s YA)

Got two more snow/ice days because my county has mountains in it and we’re in the South, so we’re not prepared for winter

Saw Hidden Figures and cried about how good humanity can be when we actually allow and encourage all people to be their best (black women!!!! they did that!!!!!!!)

Helped my students navigate our county’s program of going one-to-one with Chromebooks (there were many good things, such as getting my kids to play freerice for extra credit; there were many bad things, such as a quiz getting screwed up because I shuffled the questions but had asked my co-teacher to help me by reading the quiz [as she normally does] to a half dozen students...who all had a different order of questions...).

Went to a conference for new teachers and while a lot of the information was repetitive, there were a few things I got from it (such as 6.5 professional development hours aw yis).

Got to see lots of family I don’t usually see on this weekend!

Started reading The Diary of Anne Frank with my students because this country allowed fascism to be A Thing™ and I’m going to resist however I can.

Got two (!!!!!!) days off at the end of January for sick days (apparently other students in the county? not us but we benefitted!!!!)

February

Finally had an entire 5-day week of school

Then got another two days off for sickness (8th grade was doing our part by asking ENTIRE classes “Hey! Anyone feel sick? Anyone want to go get their temp checked???”)

Went to an open house at a local mosque, and y’all, I live in The South™ but their parking lot filled up a good 15 minutes before the event even started and there was an overflow room and so much support for this community during the Muslim Ban and it just filled my heart with joy

Got a haircut (it was literally down to my butt y’all!!!!) and now it’s right below my shoulders

Had pedal extensions installed in my car because I’m 4′9 and would have literally died if the airbags went off.

March

Got my professional teaching license! I’m no longer an apprentice! I don’t have to have 4 observations a year!!! Only 2! And while I’m REALLY good at playing the observation game (and am MUCH better at this than the testing game), it will be nice to not think about it so much.

My mom came to stay for a few days because it was her and my sister’s spring break.

During that week, I had a LONG 4 day week, which included staying at my school until 7:30 for a town hall meeting/carnival/extravaganza. F U N.

My spring break was purposefully low-key. I rested a lot, read books, caught up on Netflix, shopped at Old Navy, and went to the local art museum for the first time (I’ve only been in this city for 8 years...)

April

I found that I actually enjoy teaching how to write an essay. The 5 paragraph essay, while it has many faults, is a really good place for beginning writers (which 8th graders are) to begin. I had a student tell me that she liked how I made each sentence have a specific purpose because she was able to plug in her evidence and thoughts more easily- this honestly made my whole day.

That being said, I HATE teaching essays when students are absent. Trying to get them caught up and keep everyone else on track is SO MUCH WORK. Especially when the absent students don’t come to me during my plan to make up their work...

For two whole days, my last period class was not allowed to use erasers because some people (two boys, as it turned out) were shredding and throwing them at each other.

I turned 26

The Welcome to Night Vale Live Show FINALLY TRAVELED TO TENNESSEE AND Y’ALL CECIL (REAL CECIL NOT THE CHARACTER) IS FROM KNOXVILLE!!!! The weather singer was super fun (she played Rocky Top and we ate that shit up like biscuits and gravy with no shame whatsoever) and the show itself was just so much fun even though I went alone. It was almost an hour of normal segments with the plot of the glow cloud, but they also brought in Steve Carlsburg and Tamika Flynn (I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied when she walked on stage because I majorly crush on that actress whoops) and watching those actors interact on stage was so much fun.

May

End of the school year is always chaotic and better left forgotten tbh

We took the 8th graders to the local theme park, and it was really good (though my expectations were super low because last year’s trip SUCKED). The weather looked like it might rain, but it was nice all day, the kids were pretty good, and the rides were fun.

There were some really sad community deaths around this time :(

The teacher who normally MCs the 8th grade commencement is now an administrator, so while we still had him open the ceremony, I gave out several of the awards, and I don’t think I did a bad job (two of the other teachers hate public speaking and the last one was new to the team this year, so I was really the only choice).

June

Worked my church’s festival, which is always fun. The crowds are never what they ought to be (due to a combination of rain threats and poor marketing), so a lot of people missed out on some really great food and music.

Great music included a new band- Southern Avenue- that I got to see again later in the year.

I had to miss the third day of the festival because of a friend’s baby shower. I knew a few people (besides the couple), but they left early; luckily, the people throwing it were a lot of fun. We played games (don’t get caught saying “baby”; pin the sperm on the egg; etc) and decorated diapers/onesies/bibs for the baby). The next day, we went to church (IN A MOTHERFUCKING MONSOON) and for Mexican food.

Started my reread of Harry Potter (it had been about 5 years since I’d last read the series). I cried in almost every book, and not always at sad parts. I’ve become very protective of Harry as I’ve gotten older.

My younger brother found an NES, which was the console I grew up with and my parents gave away years ago. They really loved to play on it, so this was a wedding anniversary present for them. The Legend of Zelda is the shit.

July

I finally got a new phone (I’d had mine about 3 years, and it died in May) and I know it’s fun for iphone users to shit on Android users, but I really do love the camera quality on my Samsung.

Rachel came to visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We drank wine and went to the zoo and got real bbq and the best donuts in the world

Had a Treat Yo Self Day which included:

WAFFLE HOUSE

BITCH!!!! B I T C H

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN GET AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE

DO

YOU

KNOW

COUNTRY HASHBROWNS!!!!!

aka

biscuits and gravy minus the biscuits plus the hashbrowns

I just had regular biscuits and gravy BUT ALLI HAD THE GLORY

I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McKay’s

I bought Pokemon yellow because I never played/watched it as a kid, and while at my house for the summer, I found the old black & white gameboy an older cousin gave me, so naturally I had to do it.

Pokemon Go

yes still

You know what once I was back in town I went to my favorite library almost every day for an hour or two and read while opening Pokemon Go every few minutes so there

Went with some of my best friends to visit another one of our best friends who lives in the middle of fucking nowhere and had adventures including, but not limited to: getting pizza because we were too weak to change out the gas’s grill, waiting 5ever for food at dinner, and watching the entire Flowers in the Attic series.

August

School started back up, and at the kick-off for all the teachers, I won $500 in a drawing of all the people who hadn’t used a sick day last year!!!!!

And I didn’t even realize that I’d won $200 at the previous school board meeting in the same type drawing!!!!

New class started off with 85 students. It was a DREAM to be able to focus on individuals and not just herd cats.

I actually felt more confident in the classroom with my early units (poetry & our whole class novel).

September

Still felt confident in the classroom!

I got my testing scores back from the previous year (this shit takes 5ever and it’s dumb) and did better in about the only way I could have, so that was good to see.

I had about 10 county people in my classroom (principals, academic coaches, etc) to see a certain style of teaching ELA that the county is working on. It’s basically making sure that teachers keep students engaged in complex text (which is what I do almost every day anyway) and I had been to two of these trainings already, so I knew what sort of lesson worked. Well...they LOVED it!!! The kids were in small groups and did SO GOOD discussing evidence/answering questions (they all got candy afterwards) and I got some good feedback about how I talk to my students. Then that same day the superintendent came in my room (one of several rooms he visited while doing his yearly observation on the principal). That visit was super unannounced, but still fine.

The academic coach got rid of my classroom’s desks and found tables and chairs instead!!!! My classroom is tiny and weird shaped, so this works SO MUCH BETTER.

I help coach volleyball (aka I keep the books) and the girls won district (beating out a team with a redneck grandma in the stands who literally came up to our girls and yelled at them for cheering on their own damn team in the previous game). They didn’t do so well at sectionals, but that’s ok.

October

Holy shit I won another $200 in that drawing!!! And this time my parents let me buy them plane tickets so we could see family over Christmas.

LESLIE ODOM JR CAME TO MY CITY AND HE PERFORMED BEAUTIFUL MUSIC AND I WAS THERE AND I DIED

Got to see a lot of family at my cousin’s ‘wedding party’ (he got married last year in Europe since he met his now wife over there, and wanted to have a family party here). I learned that my uncle and his son dance exactly the same at the same level of alcohol.

November

I should have known something was up when my first 9 weeks went so well. Apparently my county is in the bottom tier for the state, and now everyone is freaking out (never mind that the data to support this was mONTHS LATE AND BASED ON STANDARDIZED TESTS WHICH WERE A CLUSTERFUCK TO BEGIN WITH) so there was a lot of school stress during this time.

Nice things though- got to see friends when their baby was baptized and went home for Thanksgiving, where my dad came into the Catholic Church.

I organized most of the 8th grade field trip for the semester- going to see “A Christmas Carol” put on by my old college’s theatre. I was stressed the entire time because if something went wrong it would be on ME, but it was absolutely wonderful and I cried which honestly surprised me. We went to the local mall for our lunch and it was good to see the kids just relax. It was a great field trip and several people including the principal thanked me for my hard work which felt great after a hard month.

December

School was nothing but survival mode per usual.

Hosted the Christmas party for my friend group at church and it was a lot of fun.

The actual break was fast- we flew to Texas with one of my mom’s sisters and her family to visit their brother and his family. I hadn’t been to Texas since high school, so it was fun to explore and eat good food.

My final count for books was 93 (67 new and 26 reread) (I’m trying to finish an audiobook I’m borrowing from the library but I still have 80 minutes left and literally 4 hours to finish it so we’ll see!!!).

[kyluxtrashbin]

Kylux Fic Rec List! (Part 3/?) XL Edition!

I meant to do this like...4 months ago. I’m awful. Sorry. Here’s a bunch of things I loved reading. As always, mind the tags.

A Lover’s Token | @vadianna Rated: E / 6200 words Kylo gets off on physical evidence of his trysts with Hux. So he gets Hux to regularly rub him off through his leggings. He doesn't wash them. More or less.

Pretty Little Thing | @kyluxicle Rated: E / 8500 words Being a General is stressful, and when the stress becomes too much Hux goes to Kylo Ren to decompress. Sometimes decompressing means being dressed up and fucked like a whore.

The Mountebank | @kdazrael Rated: E / 15200 words For the Kylux Hard Kinks prompt: 'Broke student Kylo answers a call for medical research subjects that he finds online- $150 per visit. It takes several trips to Dr Hux's office and an inordinate number of things up his ass before he realises it might not have been a genuine advert.'

My Skin Is Theirs | @claricechiarasorcha Rated: E / 10800 words Apparently, Lieutenant Mitaka has quite the collection of saucy softcore Cadet Hux pictures. Apparently, Kylo Ren thinks this is entirely inappropriate in men of their standing. Apparently, General Hux has an idea.

Delineation | @vadianna Rated: E / 7000 words Kylo is always astonished by his visits to the specialty club in Hutt Space, even after so many trips. This time, Hux runs into an old kitonak acquaintance.Or: They have sex with an anonymous alien as a third partner.

The Immaterial Stardust of His Being | @saltandlimes Rated: E / 5200 words After a Resistance attack, Finalizer's main reactor is only hours from total collapse. Hux tries to hold his ship and crew together, while planetside, miles below him, Kylo Ren races the clock to bring back parts for the reactor and save them.

Nudge | @obsessions-and-dreams Rated: T / 2050 words Ren would nuzzle softly against Hux's throat or jaw or cheek and every time, without fail, Hux smiled or laughed. For some reason Ren liked that, and so he kept doing it. And Hux kept letting him.

The Walkout Bout | @nerdherderette Rated: M / 3300 words "No, don't want that shit." Ben doesn't want it, or need it. His years of training and a lifetime of name calling have taught him to deal with pain, especially when it came to matters regarding his face. He lays back as Hux begins cleaning the wound, the sting of the antiseptic replaced by the prick of the surgical needle entering his skin.He breathes, feeling the pull of the fast gut drawing the ragged edges of flesh closed as Hux's fingers flew. It never fails to surprise him that Hux would choose to slum away several days a week fixing up amateur boxers in a fight factory. It's nearly as surprising as the idea that someone as beautiful and talented as Hux could be interested in someone like Ben.

New Soul, Strange World | @hollyhark Rated: T / 4900 words Ren senses Hux in extreme distress and rushes to his aid, thereby discovering that Hux has a phobia of basic medical procedures due to childhood trauma. Ren deals with it, reluctantly but in a way that would make his mother proud (which he resents).

Fools of Us Both | @theearlgreyalpha Rated: E / 3750 words Somehow, Kylo had convinced them both that he was far more experienced than he was. His infatuation with Hux proved to be his downfall, running his mouth to boast about a sexual prowess he simply didn't have, and when the time came to prove it...he failed. Miserably.

Friends With Renefits | @moonwalkingcrab Rated: E / 37400 The Rules: 1. Just sex, no feelings 2. The arrangement lasts as long as is beneficial 3. Either party can choose to end the arrangement, no questions asked 4. No kissing

All The Way To Your Door | @kyluxtrashcompactor Rated: E / 44550 words Six months ago, Hux lied to his father. He said the man in the picture he pulled up on his phone was his fiancé. Hux never anticipated telling his roommate, Ben, that he had been cast as Hux's lover, but when Hux's father dies unexpectedly, he is forced to tell Ben the truth, and ask him to play the role at Brendol Hux's wake.

strange phenomenon | @brawlite & @kyluxtrashcompactor Rated: E / 65750 words Kylo Ren is haunted by recent tragedy. He answers an ad posted by one Armitage Hux for a roommate, and he thinks a fresh start will help him begin to heal. He brings next to nothing with him from the past when he moves in.Or so he thinks.

Uniform Code be Damned | @pangolinpirate Rated: E / 3700 words How long had it been since he’d been touched this way? The bitter answer that floated to his mind was ‘too long.’ Hux sighed and leaned into the knight’s touch, stretching his neck toward Ren’s lips and capturing them with his own.

Accidentally on Purpose | @onewhositswithturtles Rated: E / 3800 words Kylo has been harboring feelings for his uptight boss, Hux, over the last year but said nothing for fear of getting fired. Unfortunately one night Kylo's friends get him drunk and Kylo decides Hux should see what he's missing, and texts Hux a dick pic. The next morning when Hux tells Kylo to come to his office after work, Kylo has no idea what to expect.

Noise Resolution | @gefionne Rated: E / 5450 words Hux's neighbor Kylo Ren is infamous for having loud sex with a new guy every couple of days. When Hux gets fed up and files a noise complaint, an enraged Kylo confronts Hux about the report. Hux tries to protest at first but soon ends up in bed with Kylo, screaming just as loud as the boys previously.

Leverage | ballvvasher Rated: E / 6250 words Written for Kylux Hard Kinks prompt: "Hux, tense one evening, coms for a massage droid but accidentally sends it to Kylo instead."

Pleated Skirts and Perverts | @maps-to-nowhere Rated: E / 1000 words Ren has a talented mouth, and Hux appreciates it maybe too much.

Incense and Cinnamon | @mothdustmouth Rated: E / 49000 words Kylo fights with a broadsword at ren faires after becoming disfigured as a teenager. He's able to hide his face and stay in his comfort zone until a troupe of actors, along with one very slender Armitage Hux, start to preform at the same festival. or: Kylo is a knight and Hux is an elf.

Mr. June | @nerdherderette Rated: E / 4300 A simple loincloth barely covers the outline of his mouth-watering length, his stomach ripples with muscles Hux never knew even existed, and his chest and biceps are deliciously thick.  His hands are enormous and strong—meat hooks that look like they could span Hux’s waist.  A simple gold collar encircles the man’s neck, connected to a thin, gold chain. In short, Mr. June looks like someone who had stepped out of a holoporn, and into Hux’s wet dream.

[clitorista]

So I met this really strong witch Sarah when I was a teenager, through one of the most awful, horrible, abusive people I’ve ever known. He met her while he was away at college, and he was my best friend at the time and had yet to show his full crazy. I was 16 and he was 19, and she was 19 and I was absolutely enamored of her. She was wonderful, she didn’t judge, she seemed very Light and Kind, and I stayed as in contact with her as I could over the years.  We only checked in off and on throughout the years after she fell out of touch with Rowan, and he had been growing more and more controlling and abusive over the years towards me, so I wasn’t /allowed/ to talk to people he didn’t like or it escalated his behavior. In 2013 when I was 26 I finally broke free of him because he went to prison for assaulting a toddler. [Long story there, might be kinda tangentially related to my long streak of negative luck, actually. He was a powerful witch, too] When Harmony and I moved out together into our own apartment in 2015, things were hard. They were my PCA, and that was the only income we had besides my SSI, because they were in grad school and finishing it up. They were commuting an hour one way to school each day, spending $400 a month on a commuter rail pass, and our rent was half of our income, our car payment was another $300 a month, and then utilities, and groceries, and the money they had to spend on things FOR school... It was a fucking mess. About two months after we moved into that apartment, Sarah contacted me. She wanted to come by and see how I was doing, and show me some new makeup stuff she had. She was a Mary Kay consultant, and I had [out of kindness, not because I supported Mary Kay, or liked makeup] given a part for her a few years before. She wanted to see about following up with that, and honestly that party she had held for me the few years before had kickstarted my obsession with makeup. I’d already outpacecd the Mary Kay quality stuff, but I wanted to be kind to a friend I’d had so long, and so I let her come and bring all of her goods. We had a little extra money because it was in between both of our birthdays, so we bought some stuff from her and figured that would be it. But then she asked me to join her team. I told her I wasn’t interested, because I wasn’t able to travel to do parties, being a wheelchair user would make it impossible for me to access most people’s houses. She insisted, and talked me into it, telling me I could hold parties at my house, and all of my ordering could be done through my company website. I wouldn’t have to hold any product stock, and I’d be able to /make extra money/ that we so desperately needed. I tried for about a month, and wasn’t bringing in any orders, so she devised a plan. I would be her personal assistant and help her run /her/ Mary Kay business, and she would make orders in my name to keep me active, and then would pay me $300 a month under the table for us to be able to afford groceries because we /weren’t/ at the time, and I kept getting denied SNAP benefits.  This seemed like a sure fire thing, so I agreed to try it out. Within the month, she had started shirking her duties of on boarding people, and I was running the facebook launches, and teaching people all of the stuff they needed to know to run their businesses. She kept going to Mary Kay seminars, and I had to transcribe her notes, both from her private notebooks, and from her audio notes. It was fine, because I type quickly and accurately and I’m actually really quite good at that. The problem with everything was, she kept getting more and more erratic. She’s a very powerful Christian Witch who works with the Archangels, and that was fine to us while we were on her good side... She bought us witchy gifts, she helped Harmony hone their craft and bring me back to my practice that I’d let lapse.  She slowly stopped going out to do in person launch parties. She would just completely abandon the girls whose parties were supposed to happen the day of them, and leave me to tell them how to run them and to field any texts that came from them, or any vox messages. Her marriage was falling apart, she couldn’t keep a job.... Which was unlike her, and unusual for her. She grew up in a very wealthy family, went to school and got a ton of tech certs, and had always had a 6 figure job. She stopped going to work. She lost at least two jobs in the three months everything spanned over.  In those three months, she paid me $100, once. I’ve obviously got serious mental illnesses, and am physically disabled and just couldn’t keep up with running a business, let alone one that was not benefiting me at all. I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore, because it wasn’t working for me and it was driving me into the ground, and she did not take it well. She got incredibly angry, and said some really derogatory things about how poor Harmony and I are, and she got some of her stuff from our house but never came back for others. We thought we had gotten rid of all of it in the immediate aftermath.  FFW a little adn Harmony has graduated grad school with a degree in Clinical Psychology. They get hired at a very well acclaimed youth counseling program, and they start working right away. We move into a fancy new apartment that’s huge, and on the top floor of an 8 story building. It’s late June when we move in, and the central air is apparently not working. They tell us to keep our windows open, and fans going because it’s an unbelievably hot outside, even for that time of year. We do so, not knowing our windowscreens are breakaway and our boy cat, who is only a year old at this time, falls out of the window. He broke his pelvis/hip and ended up in kitty ICU for a week, and having a pin put in his hip.  He survived, and is just fine now.  Harmony and I have always had chronic health issues we’ve tried to be taken seriously about by doctors, and always had them brushed off. In 2016 they start worsening, rapidly. Well, mine didn’t get so bad so quickly, but Harmony’s fucking bottomed out all at once. In 2016/2017 I was 29-30, and Harmony was 24-25 so it was weird /how/ bad it got, how quickly. They were working their high stress job, that was focused very minutely on productivity, and they kept asking for accommodations for their disabilities and being hand waved off. They had been FINE and then all of a sudden were very NOT FINE. They scheduled meeting after meeting with their supervisors and they were told to just find ways to manage, and they did their best to keep up with their unrealistic productivity expectations. People were quitting the company left and right because they were working their people into the ground, but we couldn’t afford for Harmony to quit because I can’t work, and our bills are too much. In 2018 they were finally fired for their disabilities, which their company completely openly admitted.  Their last year working there, after Trump changed the tax laws, their job didn’t withhold enough, and they ended up owing $3000 dollars to the government that year. They applied for unemployment, and were told they were entitiled to it. The unemployment agency did /not/ walk them through the paper work the right way, and when they filled it out there was no option given for them to list their part time job as my PCA. They collected unemployment for about six months, and at the end of the six months started looking for another job. Nowhere was hiring, and they took the only job that accepted them, a fee-for-service clinician job. It promised that they were going to have a full caseload of 25 clients within 6 months, and that then they would be salaried. That never happened. They’re still working with a partial caseload, and making barely any money.  In the past 4 years, a /ton/ of other fucked up shit has happened to us besides both of our health. [Mine ended up rapidly deteriorating in the past year and a half, btw.. worse than it was before. Even worse in the past six months.]. Our brakes went twice on our car that we’ve only owned for four years as of this month. We hit a pothole so hard and deep that it broke our wheel, and completely fucked up our alignment. Our battery randomly died, more than once, and then finally completely shit the bed January 2019 on the coldest day of the year. Our radiator started leaking antifreeze due to loose hoses.  Harmony has had a bunch of weird, wild, fucked up shit happen to their mouth. They’ve broken both of the crowns they got in 2016, they broke a tooth and had to have it extracted. Dental phobia is like their biggest phobia, and they literally can’t even talk about dental procedures.  We just kept running into emergency after emergency that cost $500+, with no way to pay for them ourselves. We also ran up our credit cards to completely maxed out, and defaulted on them because we had no other option and needed to use them for groceries and gas and living essentials. This job they’re still currently at [ but leaving at the end of apri ] has never paid more than $500 takehome for two weeks of work. They were getting paid $30 an hour before the past few months when a raise of $2.50 happened. The thing is, as a fee-for-service clinician, they only get paid if they HAVE sessions. They get paid nothing for paperwork, they get paid $17 an hour for collateral work, and for their supervision. We’ve had to fundraise a ton of different times through mutual aid groups, and take money from my parents to make ends meet.  There was just a lot of little stuff that went wrong, as well, and a huuuuuge falling out between Harmony and their parents over our Christmas vacation and they haven’t spoken since because of some really passive aggressive ass letters their parents wrote them.  We’ve both had a lot of negative interactions with doctors, a lot of health problems, doctors telling us we’re just fat and that’s where all of our problems are stemming from... Obviously that’s bullshit, and we’ve both tested for there being ACTUAL THINGS WRONG but still aren’t getting taken seriously. It got so bad, and we were struggling so hard no matter what we did, we came to the conclusion we had /definitely/ been hexed/cursed. I tried mirror charms, to reflect it back, I tried shielding stuff. I tried some banishing stuff. None of it worked. For the past year Sarah has been sending me emails that have no info in their body, and their subject line is always “Is this still you, Nikki?” And I accidentally opened the first one without realizing it was “empty”, and haven’t opened any since, and have them directly deflected to my spam folder now.  On Valentines I was presented with the PERFECT opportunity for some NAME MAGICK. San Antonio Zoo was offering this fundraising effort “Name a cockroach and we’ll feed it to our animals for $5. You can name a mouse for more, and we’ll feed it to our snakes.”  I named a fucking cockroach after Sarah, with her last name attached, and things MAGICKALLY started getting better. Just before Valentines is when we found out they weren’t renewing our lease, after Valentines we started looking for somewhere new to live and had a hard time finding somewhere that met our requirements, but as soon as we did and applied with my mum cosigning [because our credit scores suck from tanking them being jobless], we got accepted. Harmony found a new job too, after having been applying to them for months. It’s not a GREAT job, it’s a call center job at Spectrum cable, but it will be stable pay, with the same hours every week, and the same pay every paycheck. Which is what we need the most so we can keep our budget on board.  Some random problems have obviously come up with these situations, being that their current day job is basically non-existent because even their boss isn’t answering their calls for their sessions/supervision. They got one session in in their first week of work from home, and their boss didn’t answer their supervision call. We haven’t received our lease to sign yet, despite the fact we’re moving on the 4th, and found out today it’s because they didn’t have some paperwork from my Mum that they didn’t tell us they needed until today, after I asked them about why we hadn’t gotten it yet... We’ve fixed that, and they’ll have them all on Tuesday.  But there was a literal air of Negative Anxiety for the past 4 years, we sniped at each other a lot and had to learn a lot of really good communications skills. Now it feels a lot lighter, and more positive, and we’re arguing less even though we’ve been in the house together for 22 days straight. We’re getting along really well, and still being really supportive of one another with all of our anxieties, and traumas. We’ve been so good together, and putting all of the work of the past four years into this month, and it’s working so well. And things are finally looking up.  My Tarot and runes keep telling me I’ve got financial stability, material gain, wealth, romantic love, and life stability, home and hearth, and family. It’s fucking w i l d and I don’t know what to make of any of it. It’s also pointing towards the love coming from someone already close to me, which I definitely realized I’m in love with one of our best friends recently, so there’s that.

[cosmictripsandrainbowfalls]

Wanted to share what is happening to me.

My dad died on Friday June 23rd. He had been in hospital in South Africa (where he had lived since 1982) for over 2 weeks, on life support. We, me, Michele Mcdonnell, and my dads family were restricted from speaking to the hospital, they'd been instructed NOT to give us any information regarding his condition by my Dads wife. We do not not why. None of us have ever fallen out with her or voiced any issues with her in the years they've been married. We have little to no information regarding what condition he went into hospital with. We still do not know 100% what the cause of death was. To find out the name of the hospital he was in we had to match the phone number to hospitals in the area on Google. We were given tit bits of information via texts & brief phone calls to other family members, never to us. That woman has NOT contacted me or Michele one single time since my dad became ill or since he died.. NOT ONCE. We were told that he had sepsis then he didn't ? His wife said he had been ill since January but had refused to go to hospital, so she 'treated' him herself. She said she had laid next to him and prayed while he was in agony, as opposed to taking him to hospital whether he liked it or not, like any normal person would have. However he seemed fine when I spoke to him on the phone last in April. He had told me he had pneumonia in January but was feeling better. In my life I've never known him to be ill. He had only turned 70 on 31t December and was a strong and healthy bloke. Always had been. It seems that while on life support my dad had approx 5 surgeries. His wound was left open. We were then told that they'd taken him off the ventilator and moved him out of icu to a high care ward. We were scared but felt more positive. Then he died the next day. My dads wife refused point blank to have a funeral or a service. We, none of us, we're allowed to be there when on Tuesday 27th June ( 2 working days later) at 10 am, she had him cremated. We were told by text message the day before. Apparently, she was the only person present at his cremation. We were then told that she had said "no more questions now, I've said my goodbyes" That's it. She had promised to spilt his ashes and send half to us for my grandparents, who are both almost 100 years old and distraught. Over one month has passed and we are still waiting. Now she is not answering the phone to any of us. Refusing to communicate. Both of her daughters have blocked me and Michele on here. We don't know why. One of them actually sent a message telling us that he was "my dad too". She didn’t meet him until she was about 14 and she has a perfectly 'live' father of her own. I can't believe how cold and insensitive these people are. We have contacted every authority and embassy we can think of to get some information about what actually happened to my dad but we are getting nowhere. Thanks to a helpful member of the genealogist community who lives in SA we found out the name of the undertakers. They were rude and unhelpful. They said my dads wife refuses to give permission for them to forward me any documents like the death certificate. He said she refuses to send the ashes. He said that 'her lawyer is dealing with the matter' . SA home affairs have said we are entitled to apply for a death certificate and they gave me his ID number (like a NI number here. ) but I have to apply in person for it at the local home affairs office. Not possible obviously. Home affairs then told me that they only write 'Natural causes ' on the death certificate anyway and that contacting the undertakers is the only other way to get a copy if I could not apply in person. When I said that I'd tried that already and we needed to know what the cause of death was they simply didn’t reply. They still haven't responded. Several members of the family have tried to speak to the doctor that treated him but they / he refuses to tell us anything at all. When michele and I called the hospital the other day the ward sister and several other people ( I'm assuming were nurses) laughed hysterically down the phone at us when we were asking how our Father had died. Laughing hysterically. I'm not joking or exaggerating. We are now at the point where we don't know what to do. We are stuck in a constant state of numbness. No closure. No goodbye. Nothing. The anger inside me has prevented me from being able to shed a single tear for my dad yet. There is what feels like a physical lump in my throat that won't go away. We are heartbroken. I have held my tongue, I have not said anything I shouldn't have, I've not reacted to her daughters insensitivity and coldness. I haven't put anything on Facebook about this. I have not said what I really should to his wife. I have held it all back. I am holding it all back but it is making me ill. My Narcolepsy is much worse due to the stress. I am filled with rage that I'm holding in and that's not healthy. So I'm telling you all exactly what had happened over the last month because I have to let it out. I'm sorry if my writing this upsets anyone. I don't know what to do I just don't. None of this is okay. None of it is right. He was my Dad for crying out loud, not some random bloke on the other side of the world, not some distant relative, he was my dad and I fucking loved him. We loved him and that woman is destroying us.

[rockrevoltmagazine]

Megadeth Deliver Thrash Filled and Heartfelt Performance in Boston

Dave Mustaine & Megadeth – House of Blues – Boston, MA – June 25, 2017

Megadeth’s and Metallica’s DNA will forever be intertwined as both bands helped define the thrash and speed metal genre that emerged on both coasts of the United States in the early to mid 1980’s.

There’s also the other obvious connection between Megadeth and Metallica as anyone reading this article is likely more than familiar with the pair’s shared history.  

However, it would be short sighted to fixate on the personal history between the two metal titans, as it’s each of these bands’ impact and influence within the world of heavy metal that matters far more.

Hetfield, Ulrich, and Mustaine took the genre of music that Black Sabbath cooked up back in 1970 and added the elements of thrash and speed.  In doing so they simultaneously laid down the foundation for aggressive metal to have its place in music for generations to come.

And let’s be honest here, Mustaine likely long ago came to the conclusion that he’ll never be able to completely shake the shadow that Metallica cast over him since his unceremonious ousting from the group and his formation of Megadeth in the aftermath.   

Perhaps the Big Four shows a few years back, as well as winning a Grammy after being nominated for the eleventh time this past February for 2016’s Dystopia, finally laid to rest any ill will Mustaine once harbored for his former band. 

A peculiar thing though has happened over the course of the last thirty plus years regarding the gap between Metallica and Megadeth in terms of their stature within the metal community amongst the hard line faithful.  

There are more than a few old school metal fans that view Metallica as a legacy thrash and speed act that long since abandoned the genre for the riches and global popularity mainstream success have provided them. 

Additionally, there could be a valid argument to be made that although Metallica’s first three records could go down as three of the most important albums in heavy metal history, Megadeth’s body of recorded material may very well be superior in overall quality when comparing each bands’ complete discography.

This alteration in the perception of each band could also be attributed in part to the fact that Metallica willfully chose to abandon traditional metal with the release of the self-titled Metallica, otherwise known as the “Black” album, in 1991. 

In doing so they opened the door for bands like Megadeth, Slayer and Anthrax to further endear themselves to the hard core thrash audience they were choosing to leave behind.  

This condition may be best explained by simply describing how truly divergent the Metallica and Megadeth concert experiences are these days.  Although Metallica may play to tens of thousands on any given night, their live shows are at times as much about spectacle and the opportunity to take in a one of a kind visual experience, than they are about the actual music.

Conversely attending a Megadeth concert, such as the show the band recently played to an at capacity House of Blues in Boston, can make one feel as though they’ve been transported back to the thrash heyday of the 1980’s.

Mustaine, long time bandmate and bassist David Ellefson, as well as new comers guitarist Kiko Loureiro and drummer Dirk Verbeuren, delivered a performance in Boston that was not only fiery in every sense of the word, it was also one that came across as deeply sincere and even playful at times.

When Mustaine and company played Megadeth classics such as show opener “Hanger 18”, “Tornado of Souls,” “Peace Sells” and set closer “Holy Wars…. The Punishment Due” the energy inside the venue percolated to an almost voltaic level of intensity.

More than a few circle pits would materialize out of nowhere throughout the course of the evening, while the more sedentary fans would go on to engage in several impromptu sing-a-longs with Mustaine as Megadeth’s post-apocalyptic imagery played behind the band throughout the duration of the performance.

Megadeth’s official mascot Vic Rattlehead even chose to make a few appearances on the night. Rising from out of the shadows initially during Dystopia track “Conquer or Dire” and then again during “Peace Sells.”

The band’s talisman evilly pandered about the stage attempting to engage in mortal combat with band members one moment, while menacingly taunting random fans in the audience the next.

It wouldn’t be a Megadeth show if the irascible Mustaine didn’t engage the crowd in some sort of humorous banter.  This time around the front man’s ire would be directed towards a muscle bound head banger that kept interrupting him as he was attempting to tell a story.  

At one point the lead singer directly called out the pumped up audience member stating, “I’m waiting for you to shut the fuck up so I can tell a story bro.  Go fucking shoot some steroids outside, I don’t care. You don’t have to be quiet, just don’t be a dick.”

Mustaine then went on to spin a yarn about how he and Ellefson had played a show in Northern Ireland a long time ago and that during the concert he apparently at one point had said to the audience before slugging down a Guinness, “Give Ireland back to the Irish, this one is for the cause.”  

The “cause” of course being a reference to the ideology of Irish Repulicanism, a topic that most Irish residents don’t take all too lightly today, let alone back in the much more volatile and active IRA days of the 1980’s.  

The “cause” is also a deeply personal Irish issue as it cuts across political, religious, and even ancestral lines in Ireland. In other words it’s subject matter that may be best left to those in Ireland to debate, or even toast, versus the lead singer of a thrash metal band from across the pond.  

Well apparently Mustaine’s political and semi-quasi religious musings didn’t go over too well as the following morning he was informed by Ellefson that they had to be escorted out of the city in a bullet proof van the night previous because of his ramblings.

According to Mustaine the incident inspired him to pen one of Megadeth’s most revered songs the very next day, “Holy Wars,” which the band would go on to play next and the track that would also serve as the concert’s swan song.

It should be noted that the newer Megadeth material played on the evening, which included songs such as “Fatal Illusion,” Poisonous Shadows” and “Dystopia,” all fit in nicely with the classics.  

These more recent tracks seamlessly blended into the overall pacing of the set quite nicely while also giving fans reasons to believe that Megadeth has more than a few resplendent records up their sleeves before they may call it quits someday.

It’s also worth mentioning the rejuvenated vigor in which Megadeth seem to be playing with on this current tour cycle.  Perhaps this resurgence can be attributed to somewhat of a return to form in terms of the band’s recorded material. 

2016’s Dystopia is a more aphotic and heavier record with the album aligning more sonically with Megadeth staples such as “So Far, So Good…. So What!” and “Rust in Peace.”

Additionally, new band members Louriero and Verbeuren, both of whom were brought into the fold by Mustaine following the unexpected departures of both guitarist Chris Broderick and drummer and Shawn Drover back in 2014, have breathed new life into the band’s live shows. 

Louriero is not your typical snarl in place, look evil and play killer riffs type of metal axe slinger. Instead the Brazilian guitarist is a whirling dervish of riff ferocity and hyper activity.  

Louriero as it turns out is the perfect foil for the more stoic Mustaine, as his Tasmanian Devil guitar stylings are not only technically jaw dropping, his energy on stage draws the audience that much further into Megadeth’s evil sonic web.

Drummer Dirk Verbeuren, primarily known for his time in Swedish death metal stalwarts Soilwork, is as entertaining as any metal drummer out there touring day and much like every player in Megadeth, the Belgian’s level of musicianship is beyond reproach.

There’s just something about Verbeuren’s play style, mechanics and sound that seem reminiscent of classic Megadeth era drummer Nick Menza. Perhaps this a figment of on an overworked imagination or maybe Verbeuren’s just the right fit for Megadeth on numerous levels, similarly to the way Brooks Wackerman seemed destined to become Avenged Sevenfold’s new drummer.  

Even long time Megadeth bassist Ellefson, as well as Mustaine himself, seem to both be playing with an amped up, almost youthful enthusiasm on this current tour run.  And really how could the pair not be excited right now?  

Dystopia was critically well received by the music industry and the fans, the Recording Academy recognized the album via awarding it the Grammy for Best Metal Performance this past year and fans are also still coming out in droves to see Megadeth perform live.  

All of this could lead some to conclude that Megadeth may actually be morphing into a more positive, more accessible and dare I say, more affable band.  Oh the horror.  

Should this sentiment actually hold true it may be wise to never let Mustaine in on the secret. A metal world without an at least sometimes acerbic Mustaine would likely be one none of us would want to live in.

The biggest takeaways from Megadeth’s performance in Boston this past weekend may be rooted in the simplistic. The connections fans made with one another, with the band onstage and ultimately with the music itself are the exact elements that combine to make the heavy metal community’s bonds with one another so concrete and so ever lasting.  

And that right there may be the essence of what separates a band like Megadeth from a band like Metallica as both bands approach their 40th year in existence.

Megadeth’s live performances still have this uncanny ability to make those in attendance feel like the angst riddled teenagers that would steal ten dollars from their mom’s purse to buy a cassette copy of Killing Is My Business… And Business is Good from their local Strawberries or Tape World.

The band’s concerts also continue to bond friends, family and strangers in ways that we all seemed to be able to do more effortlessly before mortgages, ISIS and other real world impediments became barriers to our being able to do something as trivial as banging our heads to evil riffs.  

I suppose at the end of the day is there any greater gift that music bestows upon the world than providing its inhabitants with the opportunity to make them feel like kids again?

Hats off to Megadeth for reminding everyone in Boston that it’s still okay for adults to crash and bang into one another while singing songs about end times, corporate greed and social anarchy. Long live Megadeth, long live Dave Mustaine and love live the once and future kings of thrash.

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All Writing & Photography:  Robert Forte

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Megadeth Deliver Thrash Filled and Heartfelt Performance in Boston was originally published on RockRevolt Mag