#one week of kindness
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Max Ernst's "One Week of Kindness"
Which could also be called "A Week of Benevolence" - the original French being "Une semaine de bonté".
This post is a follow-up to a reblog I made, right here. Please go read this reblog first, because this post continues from all the info I placed there. If you don't go check it out first, you'll be slightly or massively confused.
I wanted to expand a bit on this fascinating piece of art, and to do so I'll use the info the Musée d'Orsay shared and put on their website when they organized an exposition of Une semaine de bonté.
An expo that deserves its own mention due to how exceptional it was. It was a 2008-2009 exposition of the original collages of Max Ernst the booklets were reproductions of. It was a grand world-tour that started in the Albertina palace of Vienna and ended in the Musée d'Orsay of Paris, passing by Brühl, Hamburg and Madrid. Why was it such a big deal? Because this was the second exposition of Ernst' work - the only other exposition of Une semaine de bonté's collages was in 1936, in the Museo de Arte Moderno of Madrid, just before the Spanish Civil War. It had been organized by Paul Eluard, who loved Ernst' work, but five of the illustrations couldn't be part of the exposition - due to being deemed too "indecent" or "blasphemous". And since this date, the works had never seen the light of day anymore, being preserved in private collections... It explains why the second exposition was such a big deal.
A few more sources for this collage-work I forgot to talk about: Beyond the general category of covers and illustrations of investigation stories/crime novels/polar tales, we also know that Ernst used illustrations of Sade's novels, the caricatures of Grandville, and the illustrations of Fantomas.
As with typical surrealist work, Une semaine de bonté offers a work of onirism that transcends the limits and categorizations imposed by society, by science, by our very conception of reality, and rather offers nonsensical visions and extraordinary wonders. It was the third "roman-collage" of Ernst, after "La femme 100 têtes" of 1929 and "Rêve d'une petite fille qui voulut entrer au Carmel" (1930). Throughout the illustrations, we find many references to the Bible, to famed legends, to fairy tales, to Greco-Roman mythology, but mixed with Ernst' recurring and favorite themes. More precisely, his strong rejections and dislikes: his rejection of the Church, his hatred of the bourgeoisie, his dislike of the traditional family, his refusal of patriotism...
Because Une semaine de bonté is actually a denunciation work, a great critique, a satirical caricature of the French society of the 1930s. Ernst superposes, subverts and reverses all sorts of stereotypical and cliches depictions, of either the "good society", or of the evil, the crime, the monster. Now, of course, there is no actual "real" or "good" story for this work. It is open to interpretation and everybody has to and must find their own meaning in it - as with all proper surrealist work... But there is still strong themes that form recurring motifs, and a message Ernst wasn't so subtle about.
The satirical, ironical, cynical, biting nature of the work can be read in the very title, which plays on two levels. One, on a Christian level: "Seven capital elements" is, as I said, a parody of the "seven deadly sins/seven capital sins" ; the motif of a work centered around a week alerts that there will be numerous references to the Biblical genesis, but most importantly "One week of kindness" is a reference to "La semaine de bonté", The Week of Kindness, a 1927 association creating for social help. Tied to this subversion of typical Christan morals, ideas and values, is the second level of irony in the title: this collage-novel is called "One week of kindness"... And yet it depicts all sorts of violences and abuses. Its pages are filled with murders, tortures and natural disasters - and Ernst doesn't hesitate to subtly denounce the sensationalism of a society obsessed with depictions and illustrations of the most horrible and criminal sides of humanity.
It also is no wonder that this work was created during the 1930s. The ghosts of the World Wars are haunting this piece. On one side, Ernst was seeing with an anxious and angry eye the rise of violent nationalist movements and of brutal, discriminatory dictatorships - the very ones that would cause World War II. On the other side, Ernst was of this generation that inherited the trauma and memories of World War I, had to live with the broken and disfigured survivors of the "Great War". Ernst himself had served in the German army during the Great War (if you don't know, while Ernst was born and raised in Germany, he ended up having a triple-nationality, German, American and French). One can almost read in this book Ernst' vitriolic take on a society that distracts itself with materialism, excessive pleasures and sensationalism, in an attempt to bury the wraiths of its past, and to stay blind to the dangers ahead...
It is only by the last day of the week that the atrocities fade away, and that we return to pure oniric poetry, in a set of illustrations focusing on voluptuousness and fantasy, inviting to or glorifying freedom and dreams... Now let's take a look at the structure of the Week in more details.
Day 1: Sunday. Element: Mud. Example: The Lion of Belfort
(The Lion of Belfort is a commemorative statue of the Alsacian town of Belfort in France, in homage to how the city had been assieged by the Prussians during the Franco-Prussian war of 1870)
Another Christian subversion: the week doesn't begin here on a Monday, but on a Sunday. We also see some of the games Ernst has with the Biblical Genesis not just by waking the "last" day of Genesis the first day of the week, but also by associating to Sunday (the day of rest for a God that created everything already) the day of the "mud" (understand, the primordial mud from before the world was created, the "chaos", the "primordial soup" from which the universe had to be sculpted). Not only that, but Sunday, the holiest day of the week for Christians, is filled with brutal deaths, sadistic violence and blasphemous imagery.
More precisely, this booklet/day explores the relationships between men and women, male and females. And... let's just say Ernst has a bad view of it, since all the interactions between male and female characters in this booklet can be summarized by: persecution, seduction, theft, punishment, torture, death. Since the Lion of Belfort is the recurring theme, there is a recurring character throughout the illustrations of a lion-faced man. He is always in a position of power and domination, and it is no surprise: we often see him wear military decorations, political medals or even religious symbols such as the Sacred Heart. As a result, the lion-man clearly embodies all the dominating, oppressive and violent male-dominated organizations of the time: the political world, the military and the Church.
(If you are curious, the Musée d'Orsay offered the original picture on which the one above was based. It was taken from the Mémoire de Monsieur Claude:
Day two: Monday. Element: Water. Example: Water.
Unlike the male-dominated first booklet, this one is filled with female figures, making it the most "feminine" of all the days. There is still a lot of violence in it - but it is not a man-made violence anymore. Rather Ernst presents the violence of nature, the brutality of natural disasters - through water, a water that is seen flooding bedrooms, destroying bridges, or drowning entire streets of Paris.
Day three: Tuesday. Element: Fire. Example: The dragon's courtyard/The court of the dragon.
La Cour du Dragon, The Dragon's Courtyard is actually - or rather was - a famous street of Paris. It doesn't exist anymore, but it was in the 6th arrondissement, between today's Rue du Dragon and Rue de Rennes. This street was called as such because of a famous dragon-sculpture located at the top of one of its entrances - the dragon can still be seen at the Louvres I believe. And it is within illustrations of this "Dragon's courtyard" that the booklet begins.
The dragon is one of the recurring symbols of the booklet, with variations: dragons and snakes of all shapes and size that follow the characters around ; humans with various dragon or snake-like features ; or simply the presence of bat wings reminding of demons, sometimes counterbalanced by angelic characters with bird wings. Here, the caricature, in terms of setting and characters, clearly is of the bourgeoisie. Not only is Ernst making the world of the bourgeoisie "Hellish" by filling it with snakes, dragons, demons and flames, but he also seems to use the symbolism of the fire as a way to denote the cliche of the "passion bourgeoisie", the violence of passions, emotions and desires within the bourgeois world, leading to tragedies. (Opposing the "natural forces" of the water, here fire seems to be the human forces) It is no wonder that this booklet has a great emphasis on walls and doors, often decorated by surrealist symbols: they are here to evoke a cloistered, walled-up, compartimented world where walls and doors hide and try to restrain things such as fears, desires or dreams...
Day four: Wednesday. Element: Blood. Example: Oedipus.
This booklet is entirely driven by the myth of Oedipus (that we know to have been one of the surrealists' favorite Greek myth). All the illustrations have one element or another of the legend, and keep retelling specific episodes of Oedipus' adventures. Oedipus killing his own father, the riddle of the Sphinx, or baby-Oedipus being abandoned at birth... Oedipus himself is symbolized in the collages as a bird-headed man.
One of the most famous collages of this booklet is the one that retranscribes the part of the legend that gave Oedipus his name, "swollen feet" or "swollen ankles", due to receiving a wound there as a baby. In Ernst's work, the bird-headed man (Oedipus) rather stabs in the foot a woman:
Day five: Thursday. Element: Black. Example: The laughter of the rooster ; followed by "Easter Island".
This is where we reach the last three days placed in one same booklet. It is also only in this last booklet that Ernst placed text, in the form of quotes or poems from other authors. This day has three quotes. In the "Laughter of the Rooster" segment, two. One from Marcel Shwob's L'Anarchie: "Those of them that are joyful sometimes rise their behind up to the sky and thow their feces at the face of other men ; than they lightly hit their bellies." Another from Schwob's Le Rire: "Laughter is probably fated to disappear." The third quote comes from the Easter Island segment, and is from Arp: "Stones are filled with entrails. Bravo. Bravo."
Here the symbols seem to again represent men or organizations of power. On one side, you have the recurring rooster - which is of course the symbol of France, and thus can be seen as a representation of the French government or French state. On the other side you have cruel and brutal men with the head or faces of the Easter Island statues, reflecting them not just being humans made of stone - but being literal "stones idols" (in the religious sense of the term, the sin of idolatry, again a Christian subversion).
Day 6: Friday. Element: Sight. Example: The inside of the sight / The interior of the view.
Again, three quotes here. One from Professors O. Decroly and R. Buyse's "Les tests mentaux": "If three is greater than six, make a circle around the cross, and if water extinguishes fire, draw a line from the sceal to the candle, passing above the knife, then make a cross on the ladder." One from Paul Eluard's "Comme deux gouttes d'eau": "And to love I oppose / Already-made images / Instead of images to be made" (The text is much more poetic and punny in the original French). The final quote is from André Breton's "Le revolver aux cheveux blancs": "A man and a woman absolutely white."
Unlike the previous booklets which presented dynamic, violent, active, interactive scenes, here we are in more still, contemplative images. Symbols, visions and settings to be looked at and gazed at, as the title of the section indicates.
Final day: Saturday. Element: Unknown. Example: The key of songs (again, a pun on "The key of fields", a French expression)
Only one quote: "........ / ........ / ........ / ......" from Pétrus Borel's "Was-ist-das".
For this part, the Musée d'Orsay used a quote by André Breton to explain Ernst's intentions: from the Surrealism Manifesto, "Glory to hysteria and its cohort of young, naked women sliding down the roofs. The problem of womankind is, to the world, everything there is of wonderful and troubled/murky." In this final day, we see women, always leaving a bed or bedroom or resting place, and either flying away or entering landscapes where gravity does not work. There is clearly here a work on the "clinal hysteria", and Ernst' own take on the surealists great obsession with hysteria, that they deemed to be disease, yes, but an illness that brought both freedom and inspiration. This idea of being set free is within the section's very title: "Prendre la clé des champs", "To take the key of the fields" is an expression meaning to go away (especially to go away from an oppressing or suffocating, unpleasant situation), to flee, escape, disappear (with the connotation of the fields as a vast, open space of great possibilities and endless horizon).
#max ernst#surrealism#surrealist#art#french things#french history#french art#une semaine de bonté#a week of kindness#one week of kindness#days of the week
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The Wizard Cowboy War (Wizboys VS Cowards) continues on.
#Wizard#Fourfold soul#fitch#nobody#Digital art#Well! Kind of! This one is actually mixed media -the lines are traditionally done with ink#then scanned and coloured digitally. I like the look and the feel of this method a lot.#In case anyone out there was wondering what the original doodle the Cowboy Wizard Jousting comic was - it was this!#I had indended it to stay a sketchbook doodle but I kept thinking about it - and figured 'why not also use it to do an art experiment?'#The funny thing about using existing characters for this is that this isn't even that far off from what they actually are.#The original pitch for the setting of FFS was 'Cowboy Exorcists'. Which sort of just makes them Cowboy Wizards in a way.#Design wise all I really did here was give them sillier hats.#Fitch isn't boy enough for the boy to be more than a carry over from 'cowboy'#But our Nameless Nobody? Yeah. They earned that Coward Badge good and true.#I have a few more doodles from this (AU? I guess?) That I may post if I'm low energy this week.#I missed drawing these little fellas. I should budget my art time to draw them more often...
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this is an ideal illusion .
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#gojo satoru#jjk gojo#jujutsu gojo#more clouded innocence lyrics on a gojo draws? its more likely than u think#its SUCH a gojo song. to me.#dissociative and confused and nostalgic in a way ths also scared of both past and present#also it was either that or more fv#ANyways i have completed the trinity of gojo symbolism ive done birds bugs and now fish#no one look too closely at the fish bones btw the refs made no sense to me so i just winged it it is likely very incorrect but i truly cba#i do however remain incapable of putting down the glitch brush and chromatic abberation shortcuts when drawing this guy#its just. so good i cant help it its the cherry on top every time#also killed 2 birds w 1 stone in this case bc i hatehatehate rendering the back of short hairstyles its so hard and for What#no thank u no sir slap some glitches over that bad boy and call it a day#but im very proud of this!! i've actually had energy 2 chip away at it after work this past week bc i was so pleased w the concept#this was very inspired by a certain flavour of art i see very often on pinterest#the unsettling colour palette big eyes lots of negative space and textures kind ?? if tht makes sense#BIg fan of that whatever it is#very fitting fr gojo#anyway enjoy!!! happy w this happy to b drawing regularly again am i out of artblock now pls say yes
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even dogs pass the mirror test
#hello again everyone. how's it going#isat loop#in stars and time#isat fanart#in stars and time fanart#isat#lucabyteart#isat spoilers#so. had this idea Before getting my hands on the artbook and being validated. literally have a voice note from 4:30am on the 8th where#i frantically noted down this just horrid horrid horrid caption because i'd been musing on the sasasap Dress line all day i suppose#just kind of rotating in my brain the way any kind of first time trying on new clothes for them would be .#just absolutely mental breakdown material and not one i think would be recovered from quickly. they hate being in their own skin#like. a lot? like a lot. the collateral of any kind of transfemme read was barely in my mind until it ended up relevant again while i was#actively working on this. because christ that's a bad combo. 2x different forms of body dysphoria in one. maybe even 3x somehow#plus any scenario where they get clothes is... likely gifted. something they react viciously negatively to in game and i doubt#would improve thereafter. just a veritable katamari of disgust and self-loathing#like i was mostly just thinking abt how a lot of our collective depictions of loop being alienated from their body are rather abstract#in a body horror way mostly. on account of loop being more of a metaphor than a person half the time. so i think i wanted to depict#something closer to just. a human level of body dysphoria. no focus on the whole duplicate thing just... raw disgust for the self#but with the addition of recent discussion and playing ball more with the she/her loop and transfem loop angle...#scenario of leaning into femininity to try throw off suspicion on who they are PLUS realising they might want that PLUS the party#trying to use this to bond with them PLUS body dysphoria PLUS new!gender dysphoria PLUS the usual revulsion for wanting and desire#like. that is a catastrophic combination . not coming out of that one without it getting worse for a few weeks thereafter#that's a real lash out at everyone around them and then recede in shame type breakdown. which im sure looks interesting from#the party's pov because jesus christ that touched a nerve something awful (<- they only have half the context AT BEST)#. so . there's your free scenario to ponder on if you'd want to. seeing as ive done a picture without a shitload of words on it for once#ALSO don't get smart with me in the tags about the mirror test being an absolutely ass test in most regards re: self-awareness#or that things like minnows pass it. i'm a fellow pedant dont worry. it's just that minnow doesn't really have the same ring as dog yknow?#this is supposed to be like an absolutely excruciatingly self loathing thought spoken aloud of a caption. it's pithy and cruel on purpose#and more than a little inspired by (reblogged yesterday) liminal space's 'there is no other dog. it's just you'
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Sabo Week Day 7:
Moon
#one piece#sabo#revolutionary sabo#sabo week#sabo week 2025#something about the moon illuminated by the sun during daytime…..#happy birthday to the guy ever#kind of a companion piece also to sunrise luffy from last year luffy week but not really
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c. can i ask what's happening with idia during the whole tsum thing
Idia gets into a fistfight with his tsum and loses
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#tsumsted wonderland#i feel like i need some kind of signal to indicate when something is 100% actual canon with no exaggeration#because this really is just exactly what happens#idia gets physically bested by a beanbag and ends up on the floor wailing for ortho to save him#god i love tsumsted events#i was SO sad when there was no question mark after 'the end' this time :(#twst no we need staff tsums now#i need to see crowley versus a second smaller crowley#sigh. just one more week til we find out what happens at malleus' tsum party...
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FORGETTABLE-AU (page 82-85)
THAT LAZYBONES!!
[BEGINNING] [PREVIOUS] [CONTINUE]
#So sorry it took me almost 2 weeks to post these#I was busy irl but ALSO I had too much fun doing extra art and forgot to work on these for like 3 days lmao#NOW THIS TIME I DO HAVE SOME THING TO SAY#YAY RIVERPERSON! SO MANY PEOPLE GUESSED CORRECTLY!#It wasn't that hard#We know Papyrus knows the river person#are they friends? idk BUT I PERSONALLY THINK THEY ARE#I just LOVEEE looking at the dialogue and making connections#I referenced one of the lines from the river person here...sometimes they'll ask you if you know any game you can play with a dog...#They said they were “asking for a friend...”#And I couldn't help but think about Papyrus' problem with the annoying dog LMAO#+ Papyrus seems very excited to know if the river person is there when you call him nearby that area#Okay so... now ...some comic thing that I made up but also didn't...#“FLOWEY DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE RIVER PERSON IS?”#okay so...#I feel like#It's not very common for them to be there...#When talking with Undyne around that area it's kind of *unclear* if she knows about the river person being there....#She tells you about the river connecting different areas and that you should “jump in”#She then clarifies that's the only thing they got for public transport#AND LIKE? It's unclear if she's telling you to jump in the boat (OR IF SHE KNOWS THERE'S SOMEONE WITH A BOAT) or is she's literally telling#you to jump in the river?????#Anyways...so...that's that#HEHE Flowey and Papyrus finally arrived at the house! WOHOO#Sans is too lazy to bring his old stuff to the surface! (or does he still think he'll end up back in the underground eventually?)#undertale#undertale comic#forgettable-au-comic#papyrus#flowey
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graphic design is my passion
#genshin impact#my art#this wld be the corniest romance manga known to man kind#the type that you’d have to read one chapter per week bc it makes ur toes curl w cringe
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Day 1: First Kiss!
#gojo satoru#geto suguru#satosugu#jjk fanart#satosuguweek24#jujutsu kaisen#kind of a redraw of one of my really old pieces!#I’m so excited for Satosugu week
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find another role, carry on the show
#EDIT IT DIDNT SAVE MY TAGS. hey so this post got a thousand notes huh. interesting. surely nothing will change#i'll leave all the old tags. for my thought process. and its kinda funny#take a bow stupid idiot (throws a tomato at them)#in stars and time#isat#siffrin#siffrin no middle names no last name ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧#... or is it. Smiles#i'd like to draw mira for her birthday but um (hasnt open artfight website in a few days) im scared.#also i have NICE ASKS TO ANSWER.... But im scared. give me a minute#Uawaaaaagh i drew this bc i was trying to animate a little bit but it just . Didnt look good. im not good ag 2d animation#tch. ill keep trying cause there ar e way too many songs that and now about isat because i have brain worms. i need amvs.#IM SCARED TO POST THINGS THAT ARE SPOILERY BECAUSE I WANT MY FRIENDS TO PLAY ISAT. BUT.#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#sasasap#sasasa:p#WHAT IS THE PROLOGUES TAG.#tshirt that says 'i <3 killing the image in the mirror and taking its place' on the fromt#and a list of megan thee stallions tour dates on the back. お金稼ぐ俺らはスター#Im kind of tempted to edit this to be the versiom with the eyes. or maybe twt can have that. or. well#all of my friends are on twt (trombone slide sfx) so maybe thats where i should worry about spoilers.#ill see if i want to slap an eyepatch on them in the morning#Im one of those people who was like idgaf about twohats (lets it simmer for a week) Oh my god. Oh my god. Ohmy god#EDIT. i swapped it out for the Eyes version it should be fine as long as its tagged formspoilers right...#ill post eyepatch vers on twt partly bc spoilers but also ppl over there can be .. annoying ..... ....#i fear i would get 800 You Forgot The Eyepatch replies. PLEASE JUST SEE MY VISION.#[BANGING MY HANDS ON THE GLASS] HIS HAND. LIKE IN THE PROLOGUE. WHEN THEYE. HANDS. HELD[EXPLOSION
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☆☆☆
Here's the sketch + closeups!☆



+ silly lil bonus doodle! (done in like 3 min)
#my art#based on decora styles! (and a bit of scene and goth lolita haha)#*sigh* i wish i could live covered in bright colours and hairpins and starsss#slided in a bit of mikurin cus i adore it#vocaloid fanart#vocaloid#synth v#hatsune miku#kagamine rin#kasane teto#vocaloid miku#vocaloid rin#utau#decora fashion#eyestrain#...probably? yea...#lately I've been getting really into drawing these kind of styles☆#expect me to dissappear for like a week or two cus im sooo burntout from school -w-#anyway really proud of this one!☆
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tiger lily
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#sukuna#ryomen sukuna#jjk sukuna#sorry for disappearing for a week this was why#tbh if i ever disappear Ever it usually means one of 2 things#either im having a mental breakdown and will not be back for like 3+ months (unlikely but Has Happened)#or (more likely) i started a painting and i'm in rendering hell#this was a bit of an experiment in Shapes and colour blocking#id kind of been dabbling in harsh lines and layered block shapes but i wanted to find a way to combine tht look with my usual oil paint#and i figured a piece tht focused on ??? dappled light ??? foliage??? idk??? would b a good test subject#i benched my rake brush for this and everything :'> she's on break after months of carrying every1 say thank u#anyway i had the vision of sukuna/yuuji and tigers but then i rly rly didnt want to draw tigers#so i thought aha! tiger LILY!!!!!! checkmate#turned th colours real Tropical real jungle-y i am a big fan of the divide layer on the lily i thought tht looked very neat#dont come fr me abt the accuracy of their traditional wear i was referecing cosplays and prsk cards ok we r not after authenticity here#vibes only <3 thank u for your time <3
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So far, the vibe I’m getting from Deadlock, Prowl and Swerve in the Reverse Mecha AU is:
Feral stray dog, abused shelter cat and Livestream hamster.
#tf mecha universe#reverse mecha au#Deadlock latches on instantly to receiving any form of genuine kindness#Prowl has to go through three weeks of exposure therapy before he decides to be completely relaxed around one specific person#Swerve has no idea there’s a giant watching him that adores his little videos#someone find a clip from one of those hamster livestreams please
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i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.
it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.
at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.
even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.
when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.
the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.
you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?
and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?
and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."
how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.
i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.
i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?
#spilled ink#warm up#tbh more of a diary than a poem#i need to write this stuff down bc my ptsd likes to forget trauma pretty much WHILE it's happening#and any time i find myself making it ''my fault'' again i have to walk myself through the grounding steps#it's so hard to describe emotional abuse. bc it's so fucking easy to get sucked into#like. you're an empathetic person. so when ur partner comes to you after a nasty fight and is like#“i really was trying to get my feelings heard and you didn't hear me last night” you're like - okay you know what#i'll do the right thing. this is my fault. let me take accountability and try to empathize and talk things out.#with the assumption that later - it'll be ''your turn'' right. you'll be able to bring up the screaming and talk about how#you BOTH need to make a safe space for each other. that you can't listen if your partner is literally shouting at you.#since YOU reflect and grow and try to be a better partner. you assume SHE will be doing the same thing.#but it is never your turn. she will never bring up the screaming. you cannot tell if she LEGIT just doesn't feel culpable.#and when u bring it up. she says ''so i deserved you talking to me badly? <- this doesn't go well.#she says you're blaming her. she doesn't understand that arguments are ''two sides and the truth''. it's that 1 person is right and 1 isn't#so u try to talk it out. get both perspectives heard. but over time it just becomes easier to let her get her rant out and shut up about u#until one day you wake up and despite months of treating you terribly - and admitting it 3 weeks ago!!! - she's now saying...#you were always terrible . you were always the issue. she never got her feelings heard.#meanwhile you remember literally MONTHS of supporting her and listening to her and silencing yourself.#and bc she TRAINED you to accept fault ... you just say sorry. you feel insane. you feel incredibly unhinged.#meanwhile. i fully am the kind of person that will reflect. come back after a fight. apologize before you ask. say things like#“i see your side now and i was wrong about this/that/the other thing.” ...... this is EMOTIONAL MATURITY.#she literally started calling it ''mindgames'' and ''flip flopping." ........#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#<- girl who def was emotionally abused but also doesn't really understand that yet#anyway love u get OUT OF THERE IF YOU RELATE BYE!!!!
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Luffy week day 6:
Sun/God
#luffy week 2024#luffy week#one piece#monkey d luffy#gear 5 luffy#not as proud of the coloring today for some reason#but wanted to convey a more chaotic gear 5 luffy than day 1 so I guess it kind of worked?#i guess doesn’t matter how good it is as long as I get something out each day#and as long as I have some fun with it
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Chosen
#the terror amc#the terror#cornelius hickey#I feel like after first week of uni my art just started getting really Quentin Blake out of nowhere. my tutor was taught by him it’s like tr#trickling down to me#kind of conflicted on the body language of this one bc I just love flowing hunched poses but I also love how he stands upright in this scene#I’m doing what I want anyways
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