#online therapy when you don't have full privacy

[therapythoughtstogether]

Upcoming Zoom therapy session under my current circumnstances

TW brief mention of abuse and domestic violence

As I've mentioned before, this guy who is "hosting" me has become like my shadow. He doesn't leave me alone except when he's sleeping, and I cannot go out anywhere alone.

I had originally scheduled the usual in-person session with my therapist for next week, but this guy told me that he would take me there, wait for me outside the building and pick me back when I'm done. I honestly don't want him to know where my therapist's office is located, so I requested to change the meeting to Zoom modality.

I absolutely hate online meetings. I have to see myself when the camera turns on and in the viewfinder and that distracts me. My body dysmorphia gets really bad. Plus sometimes the audio quality is not great, there are connection issues, etc. And I just miss seeing my therapist in person.

My "host" will be in the next room listening to music or watching something. I won't be so free to discuss my current situation. So I emailed my therapist to give him a heads up, and to find a way in which I can at least express my frustration regarding what's going on, without putting myself in danger or in an uncomfortable situation.

We decided that when I need to talk about what's going on here, my therapist will ask me Yes/No/Maybe questions, so I can give some information and he can give me some feedback and advice without giving away what we are discussing, until I can see him in person and talk freely.

And as I've mentioned before I have plenty plenty of other trauma to sort through, like the violence I experienced with my ex, for starters. So we won't be short of topics for sure...

[defaultfelix]

Returning online

My name is Felix Kramer, and I'm the creator of Goodbye Strangers. I haven't been active online for quite some time, and I wanted to address this. There was a major falling out with the former collaborative team, and later on, a public "callout" was made against me. Due to the number of falsehoods in the post against me, I don't feel that it is appropriate to comment on the post in full – and as the circumstances leading to the split were personal and not public, I do not feel comfortable disclosing any information that would violate another person's privacy.

I wanted to specifically comment upon the following two points, however. First, I can confirm my former collaborator's statement that she did not approach me at any time with any of her concerns.

This second point is one that cannot be emphasized enough: I absolutely do not share my former collaborator's interpretation of my work, and fully disavow such a hateful interpretation. If discrimination and hate are the values that you see when you look into my work, you are not my audience. A deliberate theme of the project as a whole is the idea that whether it's because of race, sexuality, gender, body type, mental illness, or something else - every person on earth knows what it feels like to be "left out", or like they don't belong. That is what it means to be a "sensitive", and why members of minority groups are more likely to be able to see the strangers.

I understand that there are people who may have questions or concerns about myself or my actions, and in this regard, anyone is welcome to email me with any questions or concerns. Please consider me an open book, as I am happy to discuss anything that does not violate another person's privacy. I don't plan to give any further statement regarding these individuals, other than to wish them the best.

In terms of what I've been doing the past few years, I will admit that this has been a very, very difficult period for my mental health. My mental state had been gradually worsening prior to the split with the team, and the mass public shaming/ostracism triggered a psychotic break from reality. Recovering has been gradual; this incident was the single most traumatic event I've ever endured, and it has taken countless hours of self-reflection, therapy, and outside support to pick myself back up again. I've talked about my experiences here, and am happy to engage privately with anyone who might benefit from talking further, but otherwise, I would rather look towards the future.

I wanted to end this post with one final note about my mental health and general status. I've been living with psychotic/delusional mental health symptoms for many, many years, and these have had a significant impact on much of my behaviour. Though I've talked to some extent about things like synesthesia and audio hallucinations, the full extent of psychotic states and delusional thought patterns is something that I am only very recently opening up about and addressing more directly.

These symptoms have been a major obstacle in returning online. The voices that I hear are cruel and endlessly critical; the abusive language used in the callout post became a constant internal dialog. In the years following the break from the team, I've drafted countless public statements and responses – and, it has taken this long to be able to 'quiet down' my mind enough to write this without hearing snarling insults and rebuttals to every single line.

I acknowledge that my behaviour prior to the split was erratic, self-destructive, and alienated those close to me. I made poor judgments, my expectations of both myself and others were not realistic, and I was grossly unable to distinguish fantasy from reality. I live with debilitating, lifelong mental illness that includes psychotic and dissociative symptoms. This isn't an 'excuse' for erratic behaviour, and I sincerely apologize to those people made uncomfortable by my actions, or hurt by the fallout of the project, and am happy to answer any further questions via private correspondence.

It will always be an ongoing process to address my mental health challenges and to develop healthier coping mechanisms. This is exactly why I want to do what I can to better live up to my own values of personal responsibility – as well as fight past my own fears in order to share my work with others and contribute my value to the world.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I'm not the person I was three years ago – the person I was three years ago would never have been able to write this post.

Thank you so much for reading my words. Please take care of yourself and those around you, and don't ever give up on your dreams.

[longeyelashedtragedy]

How would you describe Frank's relationships at home with his family even though he seems to be so messed up and lost in his mind. Do you think his kids probably notice it(a factor could be that his older kids (taking account that their mum is his ex) don't spend as much time with him anymore looking at social media.

Another question is where do you think it went wrong for Frank with his relationship between him and his ex?

Sorry for the specific questions but I just wanted to hear a different point of view as I'm doing research for a fic 😅

Thank you and I love your writing btw!!!!

great question!

i have to say, i hope this part isn't projection because i am so weak for a footballer being a Good Dad, but from what i've seen (and i might have read him saying something to this effect, though not in these therapy language words) he made a conscious effort to Break the Cycle with his daughters and not be a complete controlling dick like his dad. i don't think we know anything at all about him + his younger kids (except for, where the fuck did they get curly hair from lol) so i'm talking about the older girls.

it's interesting, because my dad had an actual abusive and cheating father, and before my dad had kids he said he hoped he only had girls because he would have no clue how to teach a boy to be a Man and would probably fuck it up. luckily, he has two "daughters" so that worked out for him, and he's an amazing dad. i wonder if frank was the same, it could be?

as for the girls i don't know if they just are older with their own lives and don't want to be pictured online anymore, and he respects their privacy, or what. he does reference them in the diary of a ceo interview if you have watched it (if you haven't, and you're writing a fic, i totally recommend it--the two hours fly by i swear)--that now they're at high school graduation age and he's been giving them advice about the future and sometimes they have Disagreements where he agrees to disagree (i bet they're about politics lmao). it also could be that he's sort of depressing to be around right now? like, on instagram JT and Jody Morris and that crowd are always hanging out and playing golf and going to chelsea games and shit and frank is never there which makes me feel he's sitting around in a depression cave lmao.

as for the home life in general it's hard to know but the shit he and christine used to say about each other was cringeeeee. these days they just seem like they're kind of quiet and mind their own business and other than all their money they seem kind of normal? like "dad complaining about women Shopping all the time and facebook wine mom" vibes instead of nouveau rich celebs vibes.

elen! that's an interesting one. i'm not a fan of their relationship. like i feel like he and christine make sense as a couple/(marriage of convenience)in a sense but he and elen didn't make sense to me as a couple. if you read the parts about her in his book idk they're just...weird feeling? it had a very Wow a Hot Spanish Model is Interested in Me??!?!?!?!?! vibe to it and it was sweet i guess but weird. i can't see this dude being married to elen at all really. i think, and i actually think he says this in diary of a ceo as well, it really went wrong when his mom died :( as he said he spent the next year in a complete numb freeze state, was full of random anger, trying to repress his emotions etc, and many things suffered from that including his relationship. i think that could break a relationship up easily, especially if maybe it wasn't that solid to begin with?

(**it's VERY interesting that with both of the Ladies frank had insanely long periods of being...together but Not Married...HMMMM)

these are just my thoughts--let me know if you have any other Discussion Topics, omg. and i'm very curious about this fic 👀

[its-all-business]

Unraveling the Mysteries of Spending: A Playful Guide to Know Thyself

Ah, the dance of spending—the art of parting ways with our hard-earned rupees. Have you ever wondered why you magically end up with empty pockets at the end of every month? Fear not, fellow spendthrifts, for we shall embark on an amusing adventure to understand our whimsical spending behavior!

The Impulse Purchase Tango

Picture this: you stroll into a store to buy a pencil, and you waltz out with a bag full of goodies you never knew you needed. Ah, the allure of impulse buying! It's like a sneaky magician, luring us into a trance with shiny displays and irresistible discounts. To outsmart this trickster, try the "wait and contemplate" technique. Give yourself a day to ponder whether you truly need that singing and dancing fish before the final tango of purchase.

Also Read: Emotional Finance: Unveiling the Psychology of Money and Investment Decisions

The Emotional Splurge Waltz

Life throws curveballs, and we respond with a shopping spree! The emotional splurge waltz can be exhilarating, but it often leaves us with an empty wallet and a pile of items we bought to lift our spirits. Instead of using shopping as therapy, explore healthier coping mechanisms like taking a walk, trying out new hobbies, or dancing like no one's watching (in the privacy of your home).

The Subscription Shuffle

Ah, subscriptions—the sneaky dancers that silently drain our bank accounts. From streaming services to gym memberships, they add up faster than you can say "cha-cha-cha." Take a moment to review your subscriptions regularly. Bid adieu to the ones you rarely use and keep only those that genuinely spark joy (and you watch more than twice a year).

The Food Frenzy Boogie

Eating out is delightful, no doubt, but it can become a frequent dancer in our lives. The food frenzy boogie can devour a significant chunk of our budget. Fear not, for the solution lies in the "home-cooked tango." Whip out those culinary skills and cook your favorite meals at home. It's not only lighter on the pocket but also allows you to bust some moves in your kitchen!

The Virtual Cart Rumba

With the wonders of online shopping, adding items to your virtual cart is as easy as a rumba step. But wait, don't let them waltz away with your hard-earned money! Before hitting that "Checkout" button, sleep on it. You'll be surprised how many items lose their charm when morning comes.

Also Read: 6 Simple Ways To Fund Your Business In India

The Budgeting Jive

Aha! The dance of budgeting—a rhythmic jive to ensure we manage our finances wisely. Create a budget plan and allocate your spending, saving, and investing like a seasoned dancer. Stick to the groove, and you'll find financial freedom and a lighter heart.

Understanding your spending behavior is like mastering a dance routine. It takes time, patience, and a sense of humor. Embrace your quirks, learn from your missteps, and keep the rhythm of your financial life in harmony.

[nextlevelpsychiatryus]

Promoting Emotional Wellness: How Telehealth Psychiatry is Making a Difference

In the modern time, the mental health field has undergone a significant transformation with the rise of telehealth psychiatry. With technological advancements and the increasing demand for accessible mental health services, telehealth psychiatry has become a powerful tool for promoting emotional wellness. This blog will explore how telehealth psychiatry makes a difference and revolutionises mental healthcare.

How does emotional stability affect mental health conditions?

Let's talk about emotional stability and how it affects our mental health in a fun and easy-to-understand way.

Imagine you're sailing on a calm and steady boat called Emotional Stability.This boat keeps you afloat when life gets stormy and rough. It's like having your superhero sidekick protect you from stress and adverse emotional effects.

When you have emotional stability, it means you can handle life's ups and downs without losing your cool. You don't let little things bring you down and bounce back quickly from challenging situations. Like a rock-solid foundation for a house, emotional stability provides a sturdy base for your mental well-being.

What is the difference between emotional and mental well-being?

Emotional well-being is all about how you feel, in general. It's about your emotions, moods, and vibes. It's like a rollercoaster of feelings, from happiness and excitement to sadness and anger. It's all about being in touch with your emotions, healthily expressing them, and finding balance in your emotional state.

On the other hand, mental well-being is like the gym for your brain. It's about your thoughts, beliefs, and how you process information. It's like having a solid and flexible mind. Mental well-being means having a positive mindset, handling stress and challenges, and grasping reality well.

So, emotional well-being is like your heart, while mental well-being is like your brain. You need both to be in good shape, like hitting the gym for a full-body workout! Keep your heart happy and your mind fit, and you'll be rocking the wellness game, my friend.

How positively has Telehealth Psychiatry affected society?

Breaking Barriers to Access:

Overcoming Geographical Limitations:

Telehealth psychiatry eliminates geographical barriers by leveraging telecommunication technologies, allowing individuals in remote areas or underserved communities to access psychiatric care.

It enables patients to connect with mental health professionals regardless of their physical location, ensuring equal opportunities for emotional support. You can now easily book Tele Psychiatrist Appointment for a quick checkup that might help you maintain a healthy life.

Addressing Stigma and Privacy Concerns:

Telehealth psychiatry provides a level of anonymity and confidentiality that can be particularly appealing for those who fear the social stigma associated with seeking traditional in-person therapy. Moreover, Virtual Mental Health Services are much more cost-effective, and the person can open up more quickly. Sometimes, the client faces a few barriers in the traditional meeting.

Patients can seek help from the comfort and privacy of their own homes, creating a safe and non-threatening environment conducive to open communication.

Increased Convenience and Flexibility:

Minimising Travel and Time Constraints:

Telehealth psychiatry eliminates the need for long commutes or time-consuming journeys to a mental health clinic. Patients can attend therapy sessions from home, saving valuable time and effort.

This convenience is especially beneficial for individuals with mobility issues, busy schedules, or those living in areas with limited transportation options.

Flexible Scheduling Options:

Telehealth psychiatry offers greater flexibility in scheduling appointments, accommodating the diverse needs of patients.

With online platforms, patients can often find appointments outside of traditional office hours, making integrating therapy sessions into their daily routines easier.

Enhanced Continuity of Care:

Consistent and Reliable Support:

The Best Online Psychiatrist Near Me promotes continuity of care by ensuring regular and timely access to mental health services.

Patients can maintain therapeutic relationships with psychiatrists, even if they relocate or face other disruptions, fostering a sense of stability and support.

Collaborative Approach to Treatment:

Telehealth platforms facilitate accessible communication and information sharing between mental health professionals, allowing for a more collaborative approach to treatment.

Psychiatrists can collaborate with other healthcare providers, such as primary care physicians or therapists, to develop comprehensive and holistic treatment plans for their patients.

Innovative Tools and Therapeutic Approaches:

Digital Therapeutic Interventions:

Telehealth psychiatry opens opportunities for integrating digital therapeutic interventions, such as smartphone apps, virtual reality, and online support groups.

These innovative tools can enhance the effectiveness of therapy, providing patients with additional resources and personalised self-help options.

Remote Monitoring and Assessment:

Through telehealth platforms, psychiatrists can remotely monitor patients' progress and assess their response to treatment.

This real-time monitoring allows for timely adjustments to the treatment plan, ensuring that patients receive the most appropriate care based on their evolving needs. This concludes that Video Chat By Phone With Tele Doc Psychiatrist is quick and easily accessible.

Winding it up

After reading the blog, you might be more excited to book your session with us. As

Telehealth psychiatry is revolutionising mental healthcare by promoting emotional wellness and breaking down barriers to access. With its ability to overcome geographical limitations, increase convenience and flexibility, enhance continuity of care, and provide innovative tools and therapeutic approaches, telehealth psychiatry can potentially improve mental health outcomes for countless individuals.

So, it's essential to nurture your emotional stability. Take care of yourself, find healthy ways to cope with stress, and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Remember, emotional stability is your trusty sidekick in the grand adventure of life.

As technology advances and mental health awareness grows, telehealth psychiatry will undoubtedly play an increasingly vital role in creating a healthier, more accessible future for emotional well-being. We are here to provide you with the best services and to assist you in maintaining mental peace. Our Top Rated Telehealth Provider helps the patient with continuous support by motivating them to improve their journey during the treatment.

So, what are you waiting for?

Contact us at Telehealth Psychiatry to get your appointment fixed.

[techieunique]

Advantages of Salon Services at Home

Everything that happens today is digital. Consumers can now order services by visiting any service provider's website using just their phone or computer. You can receive salon services delivered to your home through Thewavelounge, so you don't need to go to external beauty salons.

While at home, you can select to have beauty salon services delivered to your door. In this busy age with demanding commitments, women lack a significant amount of time to visit the parlour for their treatments. Nevertheless, you can now order all of these items online and have them delivered right to your door. What if your grooming products could be delivered straight to your door?

Even if you can find time to sit down, you can't go to your neighbourhood parlour and spend days on your offerings. Schedule professional beauty services at home during this time. If you need to appear attractive or acceptable quickly and are pressed for time, that option is a blessing. The qualified beauty professionals will come to your home and recommend operations based on your requirements.

The reasons mentioned below will inspire you to hire salon services at your home

Outstanding Service

With at-home beauty services, you won't have to wait in line behind other customers because you can get to work faster. As a result, the professionals may handle your needs in a more relaxed manner, ensuring excellent treatment.

Pleasant experience just outside your door

People seek convenience in every circumstance. And the level of satisfaction is maximised while you are at home. The on-site services allow you to receive any form of therapy in the comfort of your own home. Having beauty treatments done in your house also seems to have a calming and relaxing effect on your psyche.

After obtaining salon services like scented soaps, manicures, and grooming, you feel a little slick. The lengthy drive home and need for showers to feel clean present a challenge. If you have a hairstylist come to your home in Abu Dhabi, you won't have to worry about this. As soon as the cosmetologist leaves, you can immediately get in the shower.

Save the time of the customer.

The benefit of in-house beauty treatments is that they will probably provide immediate services within a few hours. The tasks in the twenty-first century are extensive and pre-defined. Even if you make a reservation, you will still need to stand in line. Everything is different when internal services are reserved. That is the best option for the Christmas season.

Best Service Utilization

Because there was a long waiting list, the beauticians could move quickly. You might not get the quality of service or privacy you want throughout your session. The most common times for this to happen are during holidays, festivals, and weddings. We are all aware of how demoralising it may be to spend money and not get the results you wanted. If you schedule a salon service at home Abu Dhabi, you will have the beautician's full attention. They will detail the pertinent services they can provide while maintaining your privacy in your home.

Even though we have an upcoming beauty session, there are days when we do not even seem like leaving the house. Contact Thewavelounge today to schedule a reliable home beauty  service in Abu Dhabi as per your needs for manicure and pedicure home service abu dhabi

 ,home waxing service abu dhabi . One can get soothing therapy in the convenience of their home.

[isabellehemlock]

hi Kat! going to be greedy here: 🛠, 🤗, and 🧠 for Nile, if you would be so kind

Hi Bee! Thanks for the ask 🤩

🛠 What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

Google docs all the way!  Love organizing everything - some of my fics have gotten the full treatment with color coded folders and everything lol.  And honestly I love being able to quickly check something or add a note if something popped in my head between devices - very useful when I'm in between appointments.  But it never served me better than when my laptop finally died - just booted up the new one, signed in online, and there was everything :)

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

Oh good one!  Let's see, I'll likely sound like a broken record but my first bit would be, "don't do it for popularity."  And don't do it for friendship either (AO3 is not a social app, so if you're looking for community, there's other avenues to explore for that - plus far less time consuming ways to make friends online lol).  Honestly some of the people I have talked to the most online in fandom spaces have never read one of my stories, and I've never thought anything about it, because hey, I wrote my stories for myself.  And seriously, when you do it for yourself, then whatever comes after is just a wonderful bonus.  But yeah, give yourself some self examination time to ask: why do I want to write?

As for the "What should I write" aspect that tends to follow right after deciding to write, my advice is the same one I read years ago that has shaped my own decision making process when I encounter my WIP folders: "write what you would have loved to have read as a teen."  Because it'll either be a healing thing to see a message that you would have wished you had growing up.  Or, it will be a joyful, fun thing, that simultaneously serves as play therapy.  Either way, it can then become a truly healing experience (at least it has for me), and for all you know, the very thing that brought healing and/or joy to you, might just do the same for someone else. 

And don't sweat the stats too much, it's natural to want to validate hard work and see numbers that reflect it - but when it comes to fic, the story will find who it's meant to at some point.

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them - for Nile

Oh!  For Nile, my favorite fanon is that she'll remain Christian, bond with Nicky over their faiths (have I written this? Yupppp).  But also, she'll bond with Joe over all the art things :)  With Andy, she'll bond over fighting lol, and with Booker, I ship the same as most people in that she'll be the one texting him the most just to casually check in.

Of course that's all post canon, when it comes to her character and backstory, I identify so much with her character - both as a Christian, military brat and though my father has not passed, became a wounded vet when I was 17.  It's not something I'd share the details about or expand on in this fandom in a public way (both for my privacy and for his), but I have all sorts of feelings about her that I don't mind discussing in private, just from that aspect of a daughter of a soldier :)

Thanks for the ask love ❤️

[trulisthetic]

I had a bad day today. I did something stupid and got in an online argument with someone who told me that Jim and Pam were an unhealthy couple. I told her why I don't think that's the case without insulting her and got shot down anyway. What would you make of it?

This turned into a monster-post. Oops.

First and foremost, I’m really sorry that you had a bad day. My understanding is that that “someone” wasn’t very kind and respectful to you even though you were towards them. You know, the internet is such a wild place. Under the cover of online profiles we create for ourselves we sometimes act in ways we wouldn’t in real life. We forget that there is an actual person on the other end and not a heartless machine. And being on the receiving end of that... well, it sucks. I’m sorry you had to deal with that today.

I get that you feel like you did something stupid - because yes, online arguments don’t often get us anywhere, they only end up frustrating us, even hurting us sometimes. But trust me when I tell you this: If you were respectful and didn’t insult her, then you did absolutely nothing wrong. This wasn’t your fault. They’re the only ones accountable for their behavior. I get that you feel off right now, but really, all you can do from this point forward is; just keep swimming :P 

All that aside, not everyone is going to agree on everything at that is granted. And it is okay. That’s what makes the people that think like us and share our interests so special and beautiful in our eyes, you know? It’s okay if somebody on the internet doesn’t think Jim and Pam are a healthy couple. Maybe they trigger something for them - a reminder of a past relationship that didn’t end well. Or maybe there is no reason for it - this is just the way they view it. All of those are fine, everyone is entitled to an opinion. I would even be interested in hearing them out, because, honestly, I can’t think of how Jim and Pam’s relationship could possibly be considered unhealthy. But from what I understand - and correct me if I’m wrong! It’s just what I got from the way you phrased your question - the person you argued with didn’t really have many points themselves, they were just arguing for the sake of arguing, finding problems when there really weren’t any. And that’s what’s really problematic. When people go out and shout accusations of unhealthy and problematic and abusive relationships, all they do is make a fool out of the REAL problematic and abusive ones. And that’s the true tragedy in all this.

Now onto Jim and Pam themselves. It never even occurred to me that this would be an issue; their relationship being considered ‘unhealthy’.

Since day one, Jim and Pam have always ALWAYS brought out the best in one another. And I believe that anyone who argues on this point in particular has been watching a different show. I mean seriously, they were written this way. Their love was, to its core, written to be of the purest kind. They have a strong base as friends, which is the best foundation you can have in a relationship. And they’ve always been each other’s “person”, since the first season. The one they turn to every time they have a problem, like when Pam is frustrated with Roy, or when Jim dies of boredom. They’re partners in crime, their time together is full of the most awe-worthy combination of mischief and touching moments, and just... joy. Have you seen two people happier to just be with each other’s presence? Have you seen anyone’s eyes light up the way Jim’s does every time Pam “chooses him” when she’s “bored” or when she tells him he has “very nice teeth”? Have you seen on anybody else's face that wide smile (with the tongue peeking between the teeth) that Pam gets every time Jim takes a second too long to choose a jellybean flavor, or buys her a coke for a round of jinx? Those two bring the greatest amount of joy to each other, while doing the smaller, most insignificant things. The only thing that could possibly make them wrong would be if their relationship was toxic.

And Jim and Pam’s relationship is not toxic.

Let's look at some signs of a toxic relationship okay?

It feels bad. All the time. Well. I kinda just went through that. The only times it’s felt bad for them was when they were apart, in season 3 mostly, and then in season 9. And yes, they had marital problems. So, SO many couples do, if not every single one. They handled one situation poorly, and it backfired on them, and they drifted apart. And then they found their way back to each other. At this point, I want to quote one of my favorite pieces of writing, ever. I use it a lot, but it applies here so perfectly, so... @acutelesbian said: “A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.” A while later, she reblogged her own post and added: “I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class. After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort. She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice. Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation. The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with. The divorced ones said they chose to walk away. Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days. I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.” There it is. So. Jim and Pam had some issues during season 9. They didn’t communicate well, they made some poor choices, they didn’t handle the situation they were thrown in very gracefully. And yet they made a choice, the choice to stay and push and fight for their relationship. They went to therapy, together. They opened up, discussed their feelings, communicated, worked out a solution. They chose each other, even though at the time they weren’t each other’s favorite person. They went through a rough patch and came out of it together, stronger than ever. And HAPPY. If that’s not the epitome of a healthy relationship, then I don’t know what the fuck is. Having said all that, I think I also covered these signs of a toxic relationship:

You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point. 

There’s no effort.

Nothing gets resolved.  So let's move on to the next ones.

You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’. This is for when there’s a trap in every statement or question, and even though everyone makes mistakes, yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. And this is seriously as far from Jim and Pam as humanly possible. They’re seriously the exact opposite of that, always lifting each other up and supporting one another through their mistakes. 

When ‘no’ is a dirty word. “I think I want a wedding-wedding.” “Cranford? No.” “I don’t know if I want this.” “I don’t think you should go to Philly tonight.”

The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are. Before they were together, they both had some “weak” moments, during which they didn’t exactly act fairly. Not once in all these years have we EVER seen one call the other out on their past mistakes. They’re not keeping score, they’re discussing them, dealing with them and moving on. There isn’t a more mature way to go about this.

There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again. In every chance they get, in any problem they face with third persons, they always stand by the other’s side and lift them up and support them. Just like when Pam was there for Jim when Ryan made his life hard in s4, or when Dwight terrorized him with the snow in s7. And just like when Jim made the list for Pam when Robert California set her aside, or when he demanded answers by her side from the dude who did call “a dork like that” back. Those two are a team, and not just when they’re planning ways to prank Dwight, or they’re sharing looks across the room over how ridiculous Michael is being.

Privacy? What privacy? Oh, I LOVE this one about them. How they get to be individuals and they are not defined by one another. They get their private time, private hobbies, and that’s such a healthy part of a relationship that so many just overlook. The only time that wasn’t the case was when they were using the world’s smallest Bluetooth - but it was so obvious that they were both craving it so much because they were missing each other, and they were both more than comfortable with it. Until that conversation with her classmate happened, which I’m sure signaled the end of that way of communication for them. But remember all those months they were apart? Remember how Jim TURNED BACK halfway to New York because “I’m not that guy. And we’re not that couple”? Remember how respectful they’ve always been of each other’s need for privacy?

The lies. Oh the lies! The only lie between the two (If you don’t count the “I can’t” of Casino Night and the “It was three years ago. I’m totally over it.” of The Secret) was when Jim didn’t tell Pam that he started a business in Philly. Which he told her an episode late, by himself. And it served as the perfect opportunity to show just how steady the foundations of their relationship are, and how much they trust and faith they have in one another and in their love. I’ll never forget how Pam reacted to realizing that Jim is keeping something from her. She didn’t call him out or corner him for answers, she simply waited for him to tell her when he’s ready. Then when the idea of an affair was thrown on the table, Pam shrugged it off, saying “Jim? No. He loves me too much”. And it’s not easy to say that theoretically, much along actually act on it. But when in season 8 Kathy hit on Jim while they were in that hotel, there’s a deleted scene of Jim and Pam on the phone, and Pam is actually joking about the whole thing. It’s impressive and miraculous just how deeply these two trust each other, and believe that they would never hurt the other like that.

Physical or verbal abuse. Or both. We’ve seen Pam being handled roughly by Roy, and then we’ve seen the way Jim treats her, like she’s the most precious butterfly. And HEAVEN HELP ME, the guy was too scared to look at her for too long in the beginning. He’s the most gentle and caring man I’ve seen, in words and actions alike. And the very same goes for Pam. The only time she’s spoken badly to him was when she said “Shut it” as she was storming off Michael’s office when she found out he was dating her mom and Jim knew. And she was clearly very upset and not acting like herself. But we can all agree that this is not a pattern of behavior, and that Jim and Pam have NEVER, EVER been abusive towards one another.

Not including the other in big decisions. This is the only one that’s kinda true. Jim decided to buy his parents’ house, then decided to start a business, then Pam decided to sell the house, all without including the other. Despite those, that was an issue that they were not blind towards, and Pam even brought it up in season 9, and it was one of the problems they worked through at couples therapy. And that’s exactly what a healthy and mature relationship looks like.

So there you have it. Those are the main signs of an unhealthy relationship. Wanna hear the definition of a healthy one?

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on: Mutual respect. Trust. Honesty. Support. Fairness/equality. Separate identities. Good communication. A sense of playfulness/fondness.

In a healthy relationship you:

Take care of yourself and have good self-esteem independent of your relationship

Maintain and respect each other’s individuality

Maintain relationships with friends and family

Have activities apart from one another

Are able to express yourselves to one another without fear of consequences

Are able to feel secure and comfortable

Allow and encourage other relationships

Take interest in one another’s activities

Do not worry about violence in the relationship

Resolve conflict fairly: Fighting is part of even healthy relationships, the difference is how the conflict is handled. Fighting fairly is an important skill you help you have healthier relationships

Have respect for sexual boundaries

Are honest about sexual activity if it is a sexual relationship

Accept influence. Relationships are give and take; allowing your partner to influence you is important; this can be especially difficult for some men.

Trust each other and be honest with each other

Have the option of privacy

Now, let us all think each and every one of those through. And let’s think about it twice before we accuse perfectly healthy relationships of being toxic.

That’s all I have to say. Sorry, this was so long, and thank you for staying to this point!

All I know is that, for me, Jim and Pam’s relationship - along with that of my parents’ - is the healthiest one my eyes have ever seen. And I feel so lucky to have discovered those two gems. 💜

[totalhealthsolutions]

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