#my therapist is truly the best

[teardropsonsmyguitar]

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[therapythoughtstogether]

Upcoming Zoom therapy session under my current circumnstances

TW brief mention of abuse and domestic violence

As I've mentioned before, this guy who is "hosting" me has become like my shadow. He doesn't leave me alone except when he's sleeping, and I cannot go out anywhere alone.

I had originally scheduled the usual in-person session with my therapist for next week, but this guy told me that he would take me there, wait for me outside the building and pick me back when I'm done. I honestly don't want him to know where my therapist's office is located, so I requested to change the meeting to Zoom modality.

I absolutely hate online meetings. I have to see myself when the camera turns on and in the viewfinder and that distracts me. My body dysmorphia gets really bad. Plus sometimes the audio quality is not great, there are connection issues, etc. And I just miss seeing my therapist in person.

My "host" will be in the next room listening to music or watching something. I won't be so free to discuss my current situation. So I emailed my therapist to give him a heads up, and to find a way in which I can at least express my frustration regarding what's going on, without putting myself in danger or in an uncomfortable situation.

We decided that when I need to talk about what's going on here, my therapist will ask me Yes/No/Maybe questions, so I can give some information and he can give me some feedback and advice without giving away what we are discussing, until I can see him in person and talk freely.

And as I've mentioned before I have plenty plenty of other trauma to sort through, like the violence I experienced with my ex, for starters. So we won't be short of topics for sure...

[forgetme-eternally-blissfully]

Do you ever think that when Cale was KRS, he subconsciously knew about the curse? All of those terrible things kept happening to people he cared about- so much so that it would become a recognizable pattern (that he would realize later on was an actual curse) so he unintentionally twisted his mind into the piece of origami it is now, attributing people to their worth and convenience and refusing to express care for anyone, inside of his heart or to the outside world.

… He fails at hiding it. He fails because he doesn’t even know what counts as caring about someone’s well being, he doesn’t know what it looks like! He’s only ever had his own concern towards himself (and Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo), and everyone who cares for him like he cares for them— dies.

He knows how to be a team leader and how to manage and take responsibility for his members, but he doesn’t want to outwardly or inwardly care. Even after finding out about the curse, he doesn’t see how he refuses to care about things.

Well- he does care about things. Arguably more than anyone else, because his internal longing for human connection is so bone-deep that he can only create reasons why he’s helping people, instead of saying that he wants to.

‘Want’ got Cale nowhere. ‘Family’ got him nowhere. ‘Friends’ left him to sweep up his broken remains. ‘Home’ didn’t last, ‘safety’ is an illusion, and ‘emotions’ have only ever gotten in his way. Time and time again, these facts got drummed and burned into his mind.

It’s all he knows. It’s all Kim Rok Soo knew for his aching, dragging 36 years of existence.

Now he’s Cale Henituse.

Those facts are still there. They’ve become deep, welded scars in his mind. They’ll never go away.

But he’s learning. Very, very slowly. Those scars will never disappear, but maybe through this story, he can learn to traverse his trauma.

I hope so.

I really, really hope so.

(Drafted: January 23, 2023)

(I found this gathering dust in my drafts and decided to post it)

[stuckinapril]

i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????

[fishslappping]

Ugh all of these changes I just can’t get behind this woke adaption like in the books Louis was a white plantation owner (and obviously that’s so bad like racism sucks 😔✊) but now that he’s [whispers]black …he has like no blame and everyone hates Lestat - AND Nicki now!! There wasn’t any racism in France especially by the 1900’s and like I just don’t get why everything has to be about race I think I’m gonna stop watching i can’t believe they’ve done this

[atlantis-scribe]

one of the things i love most about the atlantis expedition is that they're comprised of extremely brilliant people (experts in their field with crazy cross-training due to the nature of the mission) BUT they're also not the best of the best — can't be because it's likely a one-way trip — so these brilliant people are still, in some capacity and in Earth's perspective, expendable

[scalpelsister]

what if i lost the will to live like. as a joke. what then.

[okaratauri]

I’m getting up early to go train with my old Taekwondo nationals team mate and maybe our instructor to get on track for our Black belt. My mentor recently died so the school is being taken over by his Master before him and that Master wants to get us our black belts since we’ve been Bodans for like 6 years XD but since covid I fell out of my peak condition and so long story short this is gonna S U C K. I got nauseous during a WARMUP on Thursday 💀 and I threw up for the first time working out in years two months ago after doing TWO DRILLS. It’s pathetic. Ima look pathetic, but I have to start sometime 😭 I just hope I don’t get sick again

[egoborderline]

Whoever invented major depression with year(s) long episodes/groups of episodes should be vaporized i think

[choixsimple]

The hill I will die on is that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is just gaslighting and should absolutely not be the "default" mode of therapy

[clarabowmp3]

I honestly think part of the appeal is she’s 34, panicking no one will settle down with her and he arrives with the right status and also determined to “settle down” (the gross tweets). I think she’s smart enough to see she can get what she wants out of this relationship, but not smart enough to know she’s so lovable and could get this elsewhere with less of the ick factor.

right!!! I imagine her past failed relationships must have rlly taken a toll on her (as they would on any normal person). That, plus the stress of being as famous as her must have rlly done a number on her self-esteem, which sucks cuz she’s a pretty decent person. When she’s thinking abt ppl other than herself, I mean

[sacredqueerness]

Openly cried on the buss today listening to Hear you me by Jimmy eat World because it reminds me so much of my friend who died recently 💔

Im so sorry I never got to thank you for everything you did for me. Im so sorry you didn't get more time. 💔

[13eyond13]

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[thedevotionaltour]

trying not to ruminate and redirect my thoughts and just remembered how one of my best friends on earth said how much he misses me and she wants to live with and hug me again and the real part that really tugs at my heart is them going "everyday with you is one i look forward to" and it's gonna make me cry. i love my friends so much i thank whatever force in the universe above made it possible for my best friends to be in my life

[silverislander]

i swear to fucking GOD i'm gonna lose it i just realized i have a 12 page paper due in a week and i haven't even picked a fucking topic. i was doing so good this semester too

[spyroz]

i love my therapist shes so cool i think i started getting too casual cause i said fuck 3 times in one sentence today when normally i dont really swear in front of “authority figures” (not the right term for a therapist but ykwim). cause i was telling her about this horrible guy i used to know in high school and she was like “you REALLY hate this guy” and i was like “I DO!!! I REALLY DO!!!!!!” but she was like no thats a good thing because thats your FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!! and i was like I HATE THAT GUY!!!!!! and i felt so much better

im very glad ive learned that being angry doesnt make me a bad person as long as i channel it healthily and dont let it affect other people