#only to spend a ton of time fearing for my life and safety

[samarecharm]

Okay everything under the cut is like, something ive (mostly) already had saved in a draft but was too punkass to post but

TL;DR: Akira forms a palace 12-18 months after the events of the base p5 game and it manifests through the anger (fear) of being left behind/tossed aside once his usefulness of being a leader was up. it is incredibly self indulgent, and it is comprised of a ton of hcs ive never really talked about on this blog so some things may feel a bit ooc, but like on god if i actually made a fucking fic it would make more sense 😭

The timeline of events is: base p5 game ->back home after probation -> [akira] spends the summer and third year alone -> palace develops sometime during the end of third year-> thieves infiltrate and clear palace during the beginning of summer -> boy time :) -> spend rest of summer following the plot of p5s. Once i actually play strikers i think that will be the motivation needed to start writing a draft for this fic.  (also good lord i transferred this from my google docs on mobile to desktop and theres so many words 😭 )

Ive wanted to make an actual ‘Akira has a Palace!au’ but it feels like. Nearly impossible to try and do so while making it seem realistic (read: in-character and not horrifically ooc), so i simply have not put it down on paper. But within the last year its morphed into something im Okay with and happy to daydream about :)

it hinges on existing hcs i already have for him. The ability to have a palace is dictated by a noticeable degradation in his personality; post game (ignoring royal) has him left alone back home but more importantly, without purpose (in his eyes). From punching some deadbeat and having that lead to gaining a family, saving japan (shido), saving the world (yaldabaoth), only to lose everything he gained in the blink of an eye is just so jarring to him. Existing in the real world does not even compare to being Joker;  the finesse and grandeur is simply an aspect of himself he feels he'll never tap into again. There was something comforting about being able to have a separate persona crafted for the metaverse and hes not sure hell be able to tap into it in the real world. On top of that, with how busy everyone is post game (graduating/college applications), while Akira acknowledges that the thieves, his family, are trying really hard to continue on with their lives, he is bitter that they get to do that together without him. 

It initially manifests as him simply tinkering about (another hc) to keep his head busy and buzzing, but as he does his own college process, he is more acutely aware of how he is doing this Alone. His entire problem is that being removed from his family has amplified some deep, deep insecurities that hes had way before he got shipped off to tokyo. Its why he is loyal to a fault, its why he demands loyalty in return; all he has to offer is his body. Literally. He promises safety and leadership and in order to accomplish this, he will give his body up again and again; in the metaverse and in real life. If you peel back the layers of his personality, you see someone who has a deeply ingrained sense of justice, and someone who clings to that desperately bc the one thing he feels like he has to do (to have any impact on the world and the people he encounters) is to stand up for and defend people who need defending. If he doesnt have that, what Can he do?

So the combination of being left alone again (sent back home), having a Not Positive relationship with his parents/caretakers, having to do stressful/difficult things alone again after getting comfortable having a team to help with tasks, no longer having the power granted by the metaverse to feel strong, and no longer having the power of the metaverse to allow him to directly impact peoples lives starts to wear him down. HONESTLY it would be over a year before anyone saw the metaverse app appear on their phone again; Akira would be bitter but he would not suddenly spiral out of control months after he goes back home. His friends still call and video chat with him and even ryuji and ann visit a couple of times, but it would be months and months of radio silence before it would sit heavy in his heart that maybe they Didnt want to be bother with him, esp if he had no way to actually be Useful to them. It would sound outlandish to him as hes laughing in a group call w everyone a month after he comes back home, but its alot more plausible when people are simply dubbing his calls. 

The whole point of this is that Akiras palace is created from the insecurities in his heart, amplified to a thousand, and so the theme of his palace would be something akin to neglect and Wanting To Have His Family With Him Again. But he is also someone who has an obsession with the bonds he has, and NEEDS to have people who will have a borderline unhealthy relationship with him; if he is willing to die for someone, that someone needs to Also be willing to die for him. He would not Want them to actually die for him (he LITERALLY would die for them before they could do such a thing) but it is the trust in him that he needs above all else. And this is not a GOOD thing! This is kind of bad maybe !!!! It manifested as something good while they were fighting rulers, but now that theres no one to fight, no treasures to steal, its eating him alive. Theres a phase in his boss fight that has his shadow casting Charm/Brainwash on random teammates bc at his core, this is what he misses; his team! And if they wont willingly come back to him, he will Make them come back to him. Thats !!!!! NOT Good !!!!!!!! At all !!!

His palace is the culmination of his internalized beliefs about the world around him, how his role fits into all of this- his true ‘purpose’- and how becoming misguided in life leaves him truly directionless in the worst way possible. His will is as strong as ever, but its been refracted through a dark and muddled lens. He Wants, and he Wants so bad that its warping his desires and his ability to think rationally. The destruction of his palace is more or a less a rebirth of sorts, and it marks the beginning of the thieves real relationship with him and amongst each other. Akira is no longer a Leader, hes just… Akira. And when u just have Akira, does that alter the relationship you have with him? (The answer is yes, and its for the better!!)

The confrontation w the thieves (and subsequently, the confrontation with his own insecurities) is followed up by a necessary respite, where they all take the time to reconnect. Makoto and Haru are in college!! Ann and Yusuke are doing well in their respective budding careers, Ryuji is Ryuji :) ( i am joking; in this au, he is looking into doing personal trainer stuff, and trying to work up the courage to do track stuff again by doing marathons), and Futaba is still a menace (affectionate). AND! After they split up (PROMISING to meet up soon!), Akira answers the door two days later to Ryuji standing there w a suitcase and Makoto waving goodbye to the two of them 

From here on, when the plot of strikers happens (directly after this entire mess and maybe a week or two into ryujis stay), Akira is the leader he loves to be, but the burden of responsibility no longer weighs heavy on his shoulders. They are a team; always have been and always will be, only now, they wont settle for an ‘its okay’ when everything about Akira clearly says otherwise. Theyre a team, and Akira will realize that they are more than capable, but more importantly, more than willing to step up when hes unable to do so himself.

[archon-maenad]

umei no mai singlehandedly ruined me for almost every warring state's period naruto story about building konoha by actually doing so realistically. I'm going to make that your problem as well because I just can't stop myself anymore I need to scream about this.

I literally can't fucking comment on any fic involving the idea without feeling the need to preface it with an "ignoring the inherent unrealistic way you're portraying the village being built," which leads to me just not commenting at all because unsolicited criticism is rude. but every single story that even touches on the topic I can't read without all the flaws glaring out at me like neon signs.

it's just. it's so fucking stupid. it's so fucking stupid. people don't immediately change everything about their ways of life that easily. you don't just go from a ceasefire right into living together! other clans don't immediately jump on board! what the fuck!

in hindsight it's so obvious why konoha failed. hashirama put people who were killing each other not even a year ago together and forced them to coexist, then strongarmed all the other clans by virtue of the uchiha-senju alliance being so powerful that not joining would be a death sentence politically, economically, or literally.

in contrast umei no mai actually approached the idea realistically, the uchiha and senju weren't forced to abandon lives to live together from the get-go. konoha began as a trading town and neutral ground for centralization of mission offices that people could voluntarily move to.

this began to attract other clans not out of fear but with economical and safety incentives. uchiha and senju guarding konoha made it an attractive place to put your noncombatants. it being a trading hub meant tradespeople both civilian and clan would gravitate towards it for the opportunity.

and as the wounds of grief were given time to heal, as senju and uchiha got used to spending time around each other as allies, they moved of their own accord when they were ready. konoha was built on a foundation of people who were ready to believe in what it stood for, not those being forced to relocate from their ancestral grounds to an entire new way to life.

because of this, because of umei's beautiful worldbuilding about how konoha could have come to be, I now can't enjoy any fic that jumps right from ceasefire into a ton of clans joining together in a centralized village under the control of the senju and uchiha. it's just too fucking stupid.

I haven't even mentioned yet how konoha's canonical creation fucked with the entire balance of power in the elemental nations and forced the other countries to create their own villages in order to keep up, leading to warfare being fought on a countrywide scale instead of between single or smaller alliances of clans. because that is absolutely a thing that happened.

umei fixed that too of course, by not only having konoha be a civilian town which staved off a lot of potential conflict but also showing how using policing action would decisively resolve wars in a timely and less bloody manner. if one side is loudly proclaiming that they have dozens or hundreds of hostages they'd be willing to ransom as soon as y'all stop throwing that temper tantrum, citizens would pressure their leadership to make peace in order to get their loved ones back.

yeah lmao good luck waging war when your people are rioting in the streets over you throwing more soldiers into the meat grinder instead of signing a treaty to get back the ones still alive.

I'm not even going to touch on the political and economical repercussions of the bijuu, that's for another post. this one is about how konoha was doomed from the very start even ignoring how unrealistic the timeline and methods of it's creation were in the first place.

hashirama senju is an idiot and umei no mai has shown me the light. thank you for coming to my ted talk

[janyxbeloved]

So uh... Sibling angst headcanons anyone? (It's somewhat wholesome becuz idk how to do very angsty ones)

(Reminder that these are my headcanons and aren't canon!!!)

Tw: Very sensitive topics.

Gaming and Chongyun sometimes argue for petty reasons. It's common for them to argue on who's clothes is who's or whatever. It's become an issue for Shenhe because the two often argue even in their sleep.

Cyno was often bullied for his white hair and red eyes, Nilou tried her best to keep her brother from killing himself, and now in the present, she's glad she did what an older sibling should do. Guide her siblings to a better future.

Xingqiu spent days crying his eyes out after Xiangling had fallen into a coma, Yelan spent a shit ton of time crying aswell, but kept a stronger face. She only cried in secret that even Xu couldn't find out.

Kaveh isn't one to tell Fischl what he feels; "Fischl is still young, I don't want her to know what I'm going through." Is what Kaveh says to his friends.

Xiao and Ganyu are very close, like super close, to the point Xiao said; "I'd choose you over anyone any day." To say the least, Ganyu cried a lot.

HuTao never confessed this but she told her friends that if Qiqi and her friends were ever in danger, she'd give her life up for Qiqi. Because according to her; "It's what older siblings do."

Pantalone and Baizhu aren't necessarily close, but they're still brothers. No matter.

Furina misses Neuvilette to the point she carries a picture of him so she wouldn't forget what he looks like.

Lyney lives in constant fear that his siblings might die because of him. He's almost lost them once, he can't afford to make the same mistakes twice.

Eula and Arlecchino are inseperable, but even sisters have to hide secrets from each other.

Huffman and Mika aren't necessarily close due to age gaps, Mika barely sees Huffman and vice versa.

Diluc is often reminded that a fragment of his mother is in Kaeya. And often catches himself smiling when Kaeya does something their mother used to do. (Yes mother fuckers, they're bio siblings.)

Albedo is guilty for barely spending any time with Klee, Klee's often lonely but never admits it.

YaoYao never cared about Bennett's bad luck, she only cared for his safety and well-being.

Jean barely talks to Barbara and vice versa.

Arataki Itto often worries for Kuki Shinobu, despite they share only half of their blood, they're family regardless of that. And Itto is far too paranoid.

Razor often never listens to Collei's warnings, even if it could cost his life.

Paimon is not the type to vent or rant, but Aether and Lumine know what's wrong.

[dirt-goth]

Thinking a lot about how last week my therapist literally said "You did all this work to not want to kill yourself anymore and then the world ends up like this" like girl. I know and it sucks so bad

[alcottsangel]

Fainted {Benedict Bridgerton x reader}

Summary: Y/n faints at a ball at Aubrey Hall, leaving Benedict to fear loosing the love of his life.

Warnings: Fainting, Pregnancy, mentions of a doctor, alcohol consumption, fear of death.

Y/n Bridgerton adored Aubrey Hall with every bone in her body. It was much more homey than London could ever be and it brought the entire family together.

So when Violet Bridgerton proposed the idea of staying in Aubrey Hall for a week and holding a ball, Y/n could not have been more excited.

Pall Mall with her brothers and sisters in law, private painting sessions with her husband and finally getting to snuggle dear little Augie again.

Every now and then, Y/n found a gathering with the ton quite refreshing, especially when it was in the safety of one's own place.

So she had preserved her prettiest blue dress, Bridgerton blue and exactly the colour of Benedicts eyes, to wear. She also allowed herself to not wear the pearls but the diamonds.

And when Y/n finally stepped out holding Benedicts arm comfortably, she was filled with joy.

"You look ravishing, my love. In fact, I'm certain you are the most breathtaking woman in all of the ton." His breath sent goosebumps down her spine and she could feel the heat climbing up her cheeks.

"Do not flatter me tonight, dear, or else I might be tempted to leave immediately, seeking privacy in our bedchamber's."

Benedict chuckled softly, and a beaming smile danced across his features. It was another day where he could not appreciate his wife more.

"Would that be so horrible? I must admit that I find such thoughts significantly more alluring than spending our night in a stuffy ballroom."

Standing in a more private corner, the second-born Bridgerton brother dared to carefully kiss her neck and suck on her flesh.

Y/n could feel the arousal building up in her stomach, but was startled out of the situation as she saw Violet, who was clearly looking for someone. She could only assume it was them.

The young woman carefully pushed her husband away, gave him a cheekily peck on the lips and turned to leave with a smile.

Benedict's gaze followed her with affection in his eyes, thankful for the woman he was allowed to call his wife.

Y/n found Violet and the older woman delightfully smiled at her. "There you are, dear! I feared you and Benedict would not show."

She took her hands in a motherly way and started wandering around with Y/n by her side. "The balls at Aubrey Hall are the only ones I truly enjoy. I wouldn't want to miss that." She told her mother in law honestly.

"And my son? Has he come down too?" There was suspicion swinging along in Violets tone, but Y/n's gaze spotted Benedict dancing with Eloise and she pointed his way.

Violet breathed out in relief. With one last warm smile, Violet let go of Y/n and strolled off to find Kate. Her and Anthony had just returned from their honeymoon.

Y/n stayed on the spot for a few seconds, a bit lost, until Benedict found her again.

"May I write my name on your dance card?" He joked and offered her a hand.

She took it gracefully and giggled. "Don't be silly, my love."

They danced two times, one waltz, before they decided to take a break. Benedict was occupied by Anthony who told him something about business that Y/n could not care less about.

She stood at the side, feeling a bit hot and carefully leaning onto a chair.

She had almost no time by herself, as Colin walked her way and offered a brotherly smile.

"Care for a dance?" He asked, and Y/n nodded eagerly.

She took his hand and they found their way to the dance floor. "Am I looking so lonely that you think I need saving?" She joked.

"Can I not dance with my sister in law just for the purpose of wanting to dance?" She laughed, as her eyes met those of Penelope Featherington.

"You should dance with Penelope, I am certain she will be delighted."

"I will dance with her later, of course." He answered.

The ballroom was incredibly warm and all the spinning around made Y/n feel dizzy. It was weird, she never once struggled with it. She wanted to blame it to the punch she had earlier, but it was only a single glass.

Colin seemed to notice, looking at her worriedly. "You look incredibly pale, are you not feeling well?" He asked as her eyes began to trail off into the nowhere.

"Do not concern yourself, I am quite alright." She quickly looked back at him and tried to assure with a slight smile, that she indeed was fine.

Both, Violet and Benedict Bridgerton watched from afar. It was quite obvious that Y/n was not feeling well and worry started to dwell up in them.

Benedicts feet already found their way to the dance floor, with the intention to collect his dear wife from his brother.

"Are you certain? Perhaps something to drink, or..." Colins sentence trailed off as Y/n's eyes turned away and she sank down in his arms.

Violet gasped audibly, hurrying to Y/n's side. Benedict was also there in seconds, picking his unconscious wife up from the ground.

The dancing around them stopped, soon the music was to follow abruptly and the attention of the entire room was on them.

"Good god!" Violet exclaimed worriedly, as her hands carefully brushed over Y/n's hair.

"What happened?" Benedict hissed at his younger brother.

Colin stuttered a bit, before he was finally able to form an entire sentence. "She suddenly looked pale and then she just... fell."

Benedict nodded, the fear for his wife making him dizzy as well.

Anthony and Kate were the next to come to their side, but before even more Bridgertons had the chance, Benedict carried Y/n out of the room.

He did not know how his mother handled the situation, but after a minute or two the music and the chatting began again.

He heard footsteps following him, but hardly payed attention to them as he hurried up the steps to their bedchamber.

"She surely just needs something to eat or drink." He heard Daphnes voice behind him, and he cursed her for it.

It had to be serious. She was a force of nature, there was no explanation in which she simply needed some water.

And good god, he couldn't lose her. He would never be able to live without her by his side. Tears collected in his eyes, and he was not ashamed as they started to fall.

Once he had placed her in their bed, Violet was quick to hush him out of the room. Benedict resisted, he didn't want to leave her alone.

If anything worse was to happen he wanted to be by her side, but everything passed by him like a bliss, and before he knew better Anthony grabbed his arm rather forcefully and took him to his office.

Colin was there as well, still looking a bit startled.

Anthony was quick to pour them some whiskey and Benedict was even quicker to pour it down his throat.

"She'll be alright." Anthony stated and appeared weirdly confident in that. His younger brother disliked it.

Y/n was so incredibly strong, he knew that, but one was quick to fade and he knew that as well.

"Daphne said she perhaps needed something to drink or eat. Surely she is right about that." Colin sounded incredibly far away, almost as if it wasn't him to talk at all.

Benedict scoffed, but Anthony nodded in agreement. "The doctor will be with her soon anyways, Y/n will be fine, Benedict. Do you hear me?"

Benedicts gaze was lost in the nowhere. He just wanted to be by her side. Why couldn't he just be by her side?

"Benedict? Are you listening?" His older brother urged him. He finally looked up, placing the glass on the desk and rubbing with his hands through his face.

Anthony did not hesitate and immediately filled the glasses for a second round.

They sat in silence for a while, until the oldest Bridgerton brother eagerly clapped his hands on his thighs and got up.

"You should go back down. The ball is still very much going on. I will stay with him." He grabbed Colins shoulder, who nodded in agreement, before standing up and heading back down.

Anthony walked towards his brother, comfortingly patting Benedicts back. It was a weird sight, how he sat there so exhausted, as if he was hardly there with him.

"Let's see if the doctor has arrived, brother." He paused, before continuing to speak.

"Y/n surely is fine. There could be a ton of different, hardly important reasons. Women are fainting all the time, are they not?" He chuckled slightly.

Benedicts eyes found Anthonys, but before Anthony had a chance to act, Benedict started to cry again.

It catched the oldest off guard. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen Ben crying, but was certain it was more than a decade ago.

"I know I'm foolish. I know it's perhaps nothing to worry about, but she had been unwell the entire week and I noticed, but I didn't do anything. I should've..."

Benedict broke the sentence off, considering his words carefully.

"I should have done something, anthing. If something was to happen to her now, I were to blame. I could not bear to lose her. She's everything to me, she is my wife, the love of my life and my motivation and muse. Without her, I'd be nothing."

Their gaze met, the Viscount finding himself speechless at his brothers words.

He leaned against the desk, taking a deep breath before grabbing Benedicts shoulders.

"Listen, I know you're scared, I'd be too. I cannot possibly imagine what I would do if it was Kate and not Y/n, but do not let this bring you down yet. She will be okay. I am absolutely certain about that, because I know her. Y/n is incredibly brave, and you need to be as well. She needs her husband by her side when she awakens."

Anthony nodded reassuringly. The second-born Bridgerton finally managed a crooked smile, one that did not exactly reached his eyes, but told the older that he was thankful.

Gathering themselves for a few more minutes, they made their way back to Y/n.

Once they arrived, Violet was outside the closed door talking to the doctor. He seemed to be finished, turning to leave.

As Violet saw her two oldest sons, she sighed and smiled at them. Yet, there were tear in her eyes and she held a handkerchief, so Benedict was not too quick with his assumptions.

"Is she alright?" The words came out alot more urgent than he intended and his mother brushed over his arms in an attempt to console him.

"She is awake. You should go inside to see her."

He nodded, not daring to ask for a diagnosis.

With one last look to his brother, who encouragingly smiled at him, he entered.

Y/n was draped open far too many pillows, but she was awake and beaming with joy.

He hesitated to touch her, but the moment her fingers tangled around his, he wrapped his arms around her in relief.

"I am well, darling." She assured him, as she brushed through his hair.

He nodded, taking in her smell before letting go to observe her face. His fingers danced across her features as if he had not seen her in months.

"I was so afraid to lose you. What would I do without you by my side, my love?"

"You won't have to find out." She bit her lips, before they found his in a lovingly embrace.

"Would you like to know the reason behind the little scandal I caused?"

Y/n's voice sounded far to happy, almost teasingly. "Would I?" Her husband asked insecurely.

The young woman leaned forward, her voice just a whisper. "I am with child. I was a fool not to notice sooner."

Benedict shot back to look at her properly, stuttering out a few words. "Are you certain?" He asked, as his hands cupped her face in pure joy.

"I absolutely am. Your mother already knows and I'm sure your siblings are soon to follow, but right now it's just us in here." She giggled, as he leaned forward to shower her in kisses.

"I love you so much." Another kiss and his hand finding her belly. "Do you even know that I love you so much?" Yet another kiss, this time deeper.

"Do you know how much I love you?" She asked the counter question, and he shook his head with a bright smile across his face.

"You are impossible." He told her. "I love you. And I love this child, whatever it may be."

They melted into each other, as they enjoyed their moment of peace before all of the Bridgertons were to celebrate with them.

@shanksfav @notabotiswear there it is!! <3

Please comment, I need the motivation! <3

Thank you for reading!

[bratshaws]

goodness gracious 18. brb x oc

a/n: ey yo, hi guys. I'm still a bit.......iffy? But I managed to finish the chapter :) i hope you guys like it! idk if the next one will be posted tomorrow since im still trying to figure out what to do with myself but!! ill let you guys know.

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: feelings make these two go BRRRRR

chapters:

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16/17

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!!)

taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix

@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls

@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey

-

The sun didn’t even peek its way out of the sky when Rooster was there, already suited up, sitting on a bench inside the base with his eyes looking down to the floor. In between his fingers a silver ring was turned this way and that, the pad of his thumb touching the curved indentations of the elvish script on it. He just turned the ring over and over, before one of his hands went up to rub his face, setting it in front of his mouth to support his head while his elbow was on his knee.

Yesterday was one of the best and worst days he had in a while. The best because he spent the whole day with Beatrice, not only because of the amazing sex, but mostly because she was such a lovely person to spend time with but it was the worst because he had to take her home late at night, hugging her tightly and promising to contact her however he could, whenever he could and it pained him seeing her worried eyes look up at him.But she smiled and said ‘I know you will’.

 His drive back home was the longest, he probably stopped at least twice to regain his bearings, breathing in deeply with his head leaning on the back of the car rest. His apartment felt so empty, her smell still lingered everywhere and her ring weighed tons inside his jeans’ pocket, so much he felt its weight pull him down to sit on his couch where he stayed, in the dark, for a few minutes.

Not so different from his current position right now.  Except the ring was in his palm, clenched tightly in fear it could slip away and roll somewhere where he could no longer find it. He didn’t notice a figure approaching him, stopping just a few meters away, looking at him. Pete watched Rooster stay in that position for half a minute before he got closer, “Rooster.” the younger pilot blinked in surprise, dropping his hand from his face to meet the origin of the voice.

“Hey,Mav.” he says then,running his fingers on his mustache “Didn’t see you there.”

“I know, you seemed to be lost in thought.” Pete smiles, walking over to sit down next to Bradley on the bench, his elbows on his knees just like Rooster was, “Nervous?” Rooster shakes his head, his hands returning to play with the ring, which calls Mav’s attention, “What’s that?”

“Beatrice’s ring.” he replies quietly, “She gave it to me.”

“Did she?”

“So I wouldn’t…forget her and to bring me good luck and safety.” He repeats her words with a bit of a heavy heart, his eyebrows furrowing a bit. Maverick moves his eyes from the young Bradshaw to the ring, then back to Bradley. He looks worried.

“That’s very sweet of her.” Bradley chuckles, dropping his head forward, “Did I say something funny?”

“No, it’s just…” he shakes his head with a smile, “That’s the thing you know? She’s sweet. She’s so sweet, it’s almost unreal that someone like her exists.” Bradley licks his lips, curling both of them into his mouth as he looks to the orange coming up in the horizon, shaking his head diminutively “I–I just can’t wrap my head around it, around her, around someone so amazing falling into my life like that.”

Maverick’s smile widens and he drops his head, then looks to the opposite side of Bradley to hide it, knowing the young man would probably think he’s teasing him. He knew from the other pilots that Bradley was absolutely whipped for Beatrice even before the two started dating, that he wanted to go slow to not scare her away. He never really had a moment to chat with Beatrice besides the usual greeting at the bar, but he did notice she seemed to be a very sweet girl with how she acted.

Rooster not getting how he could get someone like that made him chuckle under his breath, then looking up at the sky with the thought  ‘Goose, your son is more like you than I thought’ in his head. He still remembered when Goose started dating Carole and how terrified he’d get sometimes. It was hilarious and wholesome at the same time. He looked down to the ring, the sun peeking on the sky shone enough light to show that the ring had something written on it, “What’s that?”

Bradley looks down at the ring, wetting his lips and holding it up for Pete to see, “It’s a quote.”

“I don’t think I recognize the language.”

“It’s elvish.” Bradley replies, sending a look to Pete who just appears amazed and confused, so he chuckles “Yeah, I had the same reaction, it’s from Lord of the Rings. It’s one of her favorite books.” he looks down fondly, remembering the first time she showed him she was slightly buzzed and giggly, wearing that fairy dress that only made him fall for her even harder. Maverick continued looking, then arched his eyebrows for the younger pilot to tell him what it meant, “May it be a light for you in the dark places, when all the other lights go out.”

Maverick couldn’t help the smile on his face, “That’s a very nice quote, Brad.” he says, “It’ll definitely help you out there.”

“She believes in me, so much Mav.” he blurts out quietly, “She never got mad when I said I had to go for so long. She said she was upset, but she wasn’t angry at me, she– fuck.” he rubs his face with both of his hands, keeping them there for a while longer, then dragging them to interlace below his chin, “No one ever made me feel like she does, how do you– you know?” he gestures at nothing, his palms open “How is she just the sweetest, kindest person on this planet? How? How is she so understanding?”

Maverick looked up when Rooster stood to his feet, pacing in the small area with his hands on his hips, then dragged them up to his hair to run his fingers through the sandy strands, “You seem conflicted,” Pete mentioned, the young Bradshaw tossed his head back with a sigh, “Talk to me Rooster.”

“I think I love her Mav.” he says, genuinely, with his eyes not meeting Pete, his hands back on his hips as if he wanted to hold himself upright. Maverick blinked, but kept quiet, so quiet Rooster had to look at him, “You…aren’t you going to say something?”

“Like what?”

Rooster makes a noise, shrugging his shoulders, “I don’t know? That this is crazy? That’s been only a month and how the hell am I in love with her? That it makes no sense?” 

But Maverick just purses his lips, then shakes his head, “I don’t think it's crazy.”

“It’s been one month,Mav. One.”

“Some people fall in love in less than a month.” While Pete didn’t elaborate, he had a feeling he was talking about his parents. Bradley just sighed, one of his hands coming up to rub over his face. He questioned himself if it wasn’t just his brain playing tricks on him because he hasn’t had a serious relationship in years and he was nothing but touch-starved for attention, but that made a bitter taste come up to his mouth. It wasn’t that, he wasn’t so cruel to the point he’d keep this going if it was.

His heart just felt like it was on fire, like the type of fire that doesn’t burn but it’s very warm, coating whatever surface with flames that never spread. He thought he fell in love once when he was fourteen and he had a crush on a girl from his Chemistry class, but obviously  it was puppy love and nothing else. It passed as soon as the year turned and he found out she had moved out. But with Beatrice it was different. This past month has been the best he had in a long while. He had so much fun with her, she was so genuinely kind and understanding he almost felt like it was a dream.

Maybe she was a fairy who put a love spell on him. One he didn’t really want to get rid of. He just couldn’t figure out if this was good or bad. Of course being in love is fine, but would she be okay with it? It was one month and here he was being deployed, he’d be away for two months and then what? He should just tell her? He even voiced the question out of Mav, who infuriatingly still had that knowing smile on his face, “It’s one thing to look forward to, isn’t it?”

Rooster didn’t know if he should be happy or worried about that idea. So he just huffed out a tired breath, clenching the ring in his hand before he slipped out his dog tags. Mav looked interested when he unclipped the latch and slid the ring through it, it’s weight making it hit the dog tags with a soft metallic sound. He then put them back on, hiding it underneath his suit “It’ll be safer then.” he replied to Mav’s unsaid question.

The older pilot just chuckled, standing to his feet with a grunt, his joints cracking just a bit. He then patted the younger pilot on the shoulder fondly, squeezing his shoulder for good measure, “It will.” he looked up at the sky seeing the sun was finally higher, “Come on, we need to get ready.” then he led the younger Bradshaw forward, still keeping his hand on his shoulder.

-

Most Mondays after she helped Penny and Shells check the bar, she’d go to her therapy session.  Honestly she was extremely thankful for it being so quick, her anxiety had been spiking since she woke up and sent Bradley a message of ‘stay safe!I’ll see you when you come back!’’ and almost wrote the L word out to him, but chose to send him a smiling emoji instead. She freaked out so much she dropped her phone and curled into a ball against her bed’s headboard, looking at the small device as if it was a wild animal she had to hide from.

She bounced her leg nervously while waiting for the time of her session, sitting on the navy blue chairs with her hands between her legs, clenching her bag strap. She took in deep breaths, feeling her heart about to burst out of her chest, trying to not look down her phone so if the numbers changed yet again. It wasn’t long until the divorced husband who had been coming before her for months left the door behind the receptionist desk that she stood to her feet. She could hear the heels hitting the wooden floors and a kind face appearing on the doorway, “Hello Beatrice.” Dr. Varma says when she meets the young woman, the crinkles in her eyes getting more prominent when she smiles, “Come on in.”

Beatrice nods with a quiet thank you, following the older woman through a hallway decorated with pictures of landscapes, until they reach another door. Dr.Varma opened it for her, smiling so the brunette could walk in first, sitting down on the black pleather chairs in front of the doctor’s desk, much like always. Dr.Varma fixed her dark gray colored suit, then her hair before she took her place in front of Beatrice. 

With her hands interlaced, her wedding band glinting with the light of the room, she supported herself on the desk with a kind grin, “How are you today,Beatrice?” she questions, still keeping her eyes on the young woman.

“I…I’ve been having some anxious thoughts today.” Beatrice chuckled weakly “Um…you remember my boyfriend,right? Bradley.”

“Yes, I do.” she says softly, “You two completed a month haven’t you?” the girl nods, “Congratulations, Beatrice.”

“Thank you…um…he was deployed today.” she muttered, looking up to her therapist to check her reaction. But like always, Dr. Lakshmi Varma just kept her face positively neutral, her light brown eyes held nothing malicious in them. Instead she moved her gaze away for a minute to grab the leather journal where she kept notes of all her patients from its drawer under her desk top, slipping on her dark rimmed glasses.

“That must be hard, Beatrice,” the therapist says, clicking the button on her pen to write something down then looking back up, “How long will he be gone?”

“Two months.” 

“I see.” the knuckles of the hand not holding the pen supported her chin “It’s quite some time.” the brunette nods quietly, so Dr.Varma looks down at her journal to scribble a note “Is that the reason for your anxious thoughts?”

“Kind of.” her therapist stops writing to pay attention to her ,”I…I almost sent him an I love you text.” she whispers like it's shameful, wringing her hands together so tight her knuckles crack. Dr.Varma again shows no negative reaction, she just looks to the side as if she’s thinking then writes more stuff down, “I shouldn’t, right? It’s one month…a-and he’s going to be gone for two months! Like, it’s crazy.”

“Why is it crazy?”

“Huh?”

“Why is it crazy to say you are in love?”

The green eyed brunette just parts her lips that move without words coming out, until they finally do, “Because it’s too soon, right? It’s too soon a-and if I do, he’ll think I’m desperate o-or trying to hold him back or–” she gestured wildly with her hands, one thing she does when the nerves would get too much for her to bear just in her mind. “Plus, what if it distracts him? I don’t know what he’ll do! What if he gets the text and doesn’t see something–”

“Beatrice,” Dr.Varma cuts her gently, “You are overthinking again. Remember what we talked about overthinking?”

Beatrice lowered her gaze, leaning back onto her chair, “That it’s just the brain adding more information to anxious thoughts…”

“Exactly.” The doctor gives her a smile, dropping the pen to the side to interlace her fingers on top of the open journal, “Ever since you told me you two are in a relationship I’ve seen you come with several doubts about yourself and your part when it comes to being a couple. Has Bradley complained about you?” Beatrice shook her head, “Was he vocal about not wishing to continue in the relationship with you?” again she shakes her head negatively, “From what you’ve told me, you two have been going quite strong, Bradley has been nothing but supportive of you and has shown interest in you multiple times.”

Beatrice’s face heats up as she remembers their weekend together, “Yeah…”

“So, why is it odd to think you are in love? Sure, it is a short time, but I wouldn’t say it is a bad thing.” Dr.Varma smiles warmly, “Love is one of the strongest emotions in the universe Beatrice, it could come fast and sometimes unannounced. Sometimes it takes you years to say you love your partner, sometimes it takes just a couple of weeks. What do you feel when you are with Bradley?”

Beatrice inhaled deeply, her chest expanding as she tried to think, “I feel…I feel like…I feel like I’m dancing on clouds.” she whispers with a soft smile, one her therapist reciprocates, “I feel like I’m dreaming, like it’s so good and so real and he’s so sweet to me. He’s so…so sweet to me, he looks at me like I’m the prettiest girl he’s ever seen and nothing else matters. He is...caring and he worries, he wants to know if I’m okay with certain things, he likes when I share my interests, he likes me for me. He’s–” her breathing catches in her throat and her eyes sting, “He’s not ashamed of me.”

Dr.Varma grabs a box of tissues, pulling out a couple to hand over to her young patient, who sniffles quietly while dabbing the paper under her eyes, “Of course not, you are a lovely person, Beatrice.” the brunette stopped flinching over compliments in the months they’ve been having their sessions together, which makes Dr.Varma smile in relief, “Bradley is very lucky to have you…we both know that your past relationship wasn’t good. But you should be open minded when it comes to Bradley. He’s not Eric, Beatrice.”

She frowns at the mention of her ex’s name, but her therapist is right, “He really isn’t.” Eric never did half of the things Bradley did, always looking bored or disinterested whenever she shared things about her favorite hobbies. He didn’t even care when she told him she was painting a picture for his mother for her birthday, only saying it’d be better to buy her a purse or something instead.

She made the terrible mistake of saying she loved him weeks before she found out about his cheating, he replied so happily she believed him. But it was all a ruse so she wouldn’t figure out about him and the one of many girls he was sleeping with. She did, eventually, with the thought if she loved him harder he wouldn’t leave. Didn’t work out in the end, obviously, but at least she came out stronger than before…still dealing with fears of rejection and not knowing how to deal if the L word ever happened to her again. Which was what happened right now.

“Did you tell your family yet?” Dr.Varma asked once she noticed the girl calmed down, “You told me how you were trying to find out how to tell them.”

“I didn’t.” she sniffs, folding the damp tissue in her hand, “I plan to…I might go from the easiest ones to the hardest. So…Guillermo and my parents will be last.” she hoped it would at least. She did promise Leo to talk to them soon after all. 

“Who’s the first on the list?”

Beatrice furrowed her eyebrows, “Sabrina. She lives in Boston but I can call her, then Marina, Michael and then the final heads of the Hydra.” she sighs, wrapping the tissue around her index finger, thankful there were only tears in there, “I’m just scared of them not liking him…or being like ‘oh so he’s Navy? How do you know if he won’t cheat on you when he’s away?’ you know? Those things.” she frowns even more, “Which is kind of a bullshit statement ‘cause my uncle Roberto was in the army and they don’t say those things about him.”

“Beatrice,” Dr.Varma begins, giving her a look with a little smile. Beatrice falters, looking at her hands.

“Overthinking again?” the therapist nods, “I just can’t help it when it comes to my family, you know? I told you how they are, how overprotective they can be…I’m just going to do my best to tell them about Brad and…make them see how much I care for him.” the L word went up to her throat, but she didn’t say it. 

Dr.Varma just grins, writing down more things in her journal “I’m sure you’ll do great.” Beatrice wished she had that confidence within herself more often, just like her therapist does to her. “Please let me know next week if it goes well, will you?”

“Yeah, I promise.” Bea smiles. It wasn’t long until her session was over and Beatrice left the building, walking to her Subaru with the cellphone in her hand. Bradley still hadn’t seen her message and she tried not to worry, he did say little to no contact after all, plus, he’d be fine. He wasn’t alone, he had others with him! So they’d all be fine!

While walking to her car, she frowned when she saw the scratch on the back door, sighing thinking she couldn’t just send it to be repaired again. Maybe she should just sell it and use the money to get a new car, because there was no way she’d be able to pay for yet another repair even if it was superficial. Mr.Guzman did tell her after all…maybe she should focus on that to pass the time too. It's definitely helpful.

Once she got back home, she decided she shouldn’t stall any more when talking to her siblings. It was three in the afternoon, which meant Sabrina was home already from school. She sits down on her couch, with Jojo placing her head on her lap as she types a message to her sister.

Beatrice (15:13)

Hey, Bri? You home? I kinda wanted to talk to you.

Brina (15:20)

Yeah! Sure sis! Give me a second. Is Video okay?

Beatrice (15:21)

Yeah, sure.

Beatrice sucks in a deep breath, waiting for the video call to happen. Her phone vibrates after a few seconds, then she sees her sister’s face on the screen, swiping to accept the call, “Hi Bri. Sorry to bother you today.”

“It’s fine! It’s been so long since we talked, I would have found time anyway.” her sister fixed her glasses over her eyes, smiling brightly at Beatrice through her screen.

Sabrina was the only one in the family to have their father’s deep black hair, she looked a lot like him too, much like Guillermo did. Her jawline was a bit sharper with her cheekbones high and angular, her lips full like all of their siblings but her eyes were big just like their mom. She never knew if Sabrina’s eyes were hazel or green, they always seemed to change color every time she took a closer look.

Her oldest sister was moving around her kitchen, the sound of liquid filling a cup breaking the short lived silence, “So, what did you want to talk about?” Sabrina questions, lifting the 1# Teacher mug to her lips to sip her coffee.

Beatrice licked her lips, it was now or never, “I’m dating someone.” she expected her sister to spit out the drink, but she didn’t, she just lifted her eyebrows with the mug still on her lips, “H-His name is Bradley, he’s an aviator.”

Sabrina lowers the mug to look deep into her sister’s eyes, then smiles, giving her a shrug, “Okay!”

“...o-okay?”

“Um, yeah?” Sabrina laughs, walking out of her kitchen to her living room, “Never thought you’d go for the Navy type but considering where you are now I’m not surprised.” she sighs while sitting down on her couch, combing her hair away from her face. It takes a few seconds for Beatrice to get rid of her shock, but once she does she’s all smiles, telling Sabrina all about Bradley and how they met.

Her sister was extremely supportive, just like Leo was, even telling her she’d visit whenever he was back so they could meet. They spent a good while talking, Sabrina telling her how her kids were too, how Josh was already going to start college next year, William started to play for the football team and Trevor joined the band. They were all so much older now, Beatrice remembered holding them up as babies when she was young herself. 

Sabrina was very happy for her, even telling her to not worry and if she needed she’d vouch for her alongside Leo because of Bradley. She said that ever since she moved out of the house, their parents seemed to mellow a bit more - only to go ‘yikes’ when Bea told her about Guillermo’s trip from New York just to check on her. 

“Either way, you got my support.”

“Thanks, Bri.”

Sabrina’s eyes soften behind the lens of her glasses, “You look happy,Bea. I haven’t seen you with such a good look in your eyes for a while.”

It’s what love does, a voice that eerily resembled her nonna’s thick accent said in her head, but she ignored it, just smiling back at her sister, “Thanks Bri…I’ll let you get back to it okay?”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon then?”

“Yeah! Bye Bri!”

“Bye, Little Bitty!”

She dropped the hand holding the phone to her lap, like it weighed so much she couldn’t keep it upright, then leaned her head back on the couch to let out a deep sigh of relief, “Two down…five left.” she whispered to herself, hoping the next conversations would go just as smoothly as this one did.

[chaoticminhos]

gentle

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, smut

warnings: mentions of past abuse, yelling

word count: 3k

a/n: not proofread, this is a suuuuper old request, and i’m back after like two months of being inactive!!! thank you for waiting around for me 🥺

you’d never heard him yell like this, not even when you tripped over his computer cords, ripping them all from his laptop and causing him to lose hours of work. he never got this angry, he never raised his voice at you. he knew how much yelling scared you, so why now did he decide he didn’t care? you thought he cared. he seemed like he cared.

you flinched are every single word that came out of your boyfriends mouth, but he was far too focused on his own frustrations to notice. or maybe he simply didn’t care about the tears building in your eyes and the panic tightening in your throat.

“i don’t understand how you could put down a payment that big and not even talk to me about it first, y/n! i mean seriously, we said we were going to wait to see what other places were available, why the fuck would you think it would be okay to drop half of our fucking funding down on a house we haven’t even decided we really want yet?”

“i’m sorry chan, he- the realtor was so insistent and he kept saying it would go fast and you weren’t there to make him stop talking and i just got nervous and-“

“oh?” he threw his hands into the air, “you got nervous? you got nervous so you threw away a shit ton of our money? we can’t get that back, y/n! if we don’t buy the house, we don’t get all that money back to spend on another house!”

“chan i-“

“thanks for making a huge fucking life decision without me, y/n. nice fucking teamwork.”

not only had you never seen him yell like this, you’d most definitely never had him yell like this at you. the pure frustration he was directing towards you sprung up old memories of someone chan promised to keep you safe from, but any loud and angry voice sounded like the one that used to mean panic and lying to doctors.

any glue you had holding you together broke as the same pleading words that had never worked before flew out of your mouth.

“please, i’m really sorry, i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to! i really didn’t, please don’t hurt me, i’m sorry!”

your words became incoherent as you lost control of yourself, the same autopilot routine you’d gotten so used to years ago taking control. you crumpled to the ground, shielding yourself with your arms as you continued to apologize, over and over and over and over. you waited for the pain to come, the arms to rip your hands away from your face and force you to look evil in its eyes, but they never came.

you’d thought they had, but it was just chan placing a hand on your shoulder, trying to steady you and get you to look at him. you immediately flinched away from the touch, shuffling yourself backwards and distancing yourself from the perceived threat.

he reached for you again, but you had the same reaction, not even letting him come into contact with you a second time. upon realizing that physical touch wasn’t the way to bring you back to reality, chan dropped any ounce of anger that had been in his voice just moments before and called to you.

“y/n, baby girl, it’s me, it’s okay. baby, it’s chan. can you look at me?”

you shook your head. you weren’t hearing him.

“baby girl, it’s chan. i’m not him, it’s chan. i’m here for you baby, and i’m so sorry i yelled.”

a few minutes of continuing to coax the calm out of you with his voice took the violent shaking from your body and you finally raised your head to meet his eyes. you still wouldn’t let him get close enough for him to pull you into his arms and keep you there, keep you safe.

“i wouldn’t ever hurt you y/n. i’m not him, okay?he’s not here. he can’t hurt you anymore.”

he inched his way over to you, moving slowly and checking constantly to make sure he wasn’t frightening you with the proximity until he was finally close enough to touch you, but he didn’t. instead, he crouched down in front of you and opened his arms wide.

“princess, do you want to come here? whenever you’re ready, i’m here to hold you and keep you safe, okay?”

he’d expected hesitation, but you jumped immediately into his arms, wrapping your own around his body. you were pressed so tightly against him that he could feel just how fast your heart was racing. it broke his heart to know that it wasn’t butterflies causing your heart to beat so fast for him, but instead it was fear.

“i’m sorry for yelling, i shouldn’t have yelled.”

with every second that your tears soaked into his shirt and your labored breathing began to calm down, chan was replaying the entire fight in his head, cursing himself for ever raising his voice in the first place.

after what felt like hours of chan mentally screaming at himself for scaring you, you finally spoke again. your raspy and shaking voice are what finally brought tears to chan’s own eyes.

“i’m sorry.”

“no.” he said firmly, “you have nothing to apologize for baby, i’m the one who should be on my knees begging for forgiveness. i’m so sorry y/n, i had no right to raise my voice like that.”

you shook your head, face buried in his shoulder, “no, i messed up. now we have to buy the house and you don’t even like it.”

your voice cracked and a fresh wave of sobs threatened to choke out your throat, but chan interrupted them.

“my sweet angel, i could not care less about the house. what matters is that i’m living there with you. if you like the house, if you can imagine starting a family with me there, then i love it.”

a wave of relief flooded through chan when a soft smile broke out on your face.

“i think the yard would be perfect for kids to play in.”

chan rested a hand on your cheek and guided your face close to his, “then it’s a good thing you put down a payment. i’ll ask the realtor about when we can start to move in tomorrow, okay?”

you nodded as he placed a gentle kiss to your lips. the taste of salty tears on your lips only made him want to kiss you more, hold you closer, show you that he loved you more than he could have ever imagined loving someone, if you’d let him.

and you’d decided that you finally would.

“chan,” you pulled away, eyes locked right to his, “do you think were ready for kids?”

he pouted in thought, “i think we’re going to be wonderful parents, sooner or later.”

eyes still locked to his, you spoke.

“can we do sooner?”

you caught him off guard with the question and it took him a moment to process what you were suggesting.

in all the time you’d been together, you’d never slept together. chan knew you were nervous and he wasn’t going to pressure you, no matter how badly he wanted to outline your entire body with kisses and praise.

he’d always known your first time would start with you suggesting it, but now that it was finally happening, he was almost too flustered to act.

almost.

he shifted his seating at the simple mention of finally having you, locking his eyes to yours.

“are you sure, princess?”

you nodded, hands fiddling with the collar of his shirt, “i want you.”

that was all it took for chan to capture your lips in his, leaning you back until your back was flat against the ground.

you weren’t a stranger to kissing chan like this or even to the reactions his body had to it. you’d seen him worked up many times because of you, but he always handled it himself.

but he made you feel safe, he made you feel loved. you didn’t even know it was possible to feel so cared for before you’d met chan. he changed your life, he’d helped you through so much. you wanted to help him, too.

you slid a hand from his neck down his chest and to the waistband of his pants. he yelped in surprise, not expecting you to be so forward.

he gripped your hand, guiding it back to his neck with a small laugh.

“the first time we have sex will not be on the floor of this shitty kitchen.”

you laughed back as he stood you up, sweeping you into his arms and easily carrying you to your shared bedroom. you wouldn’t have been able to stop him from picking you up even if you had wanted to, but the thought didn’t scare you. with anyone else, it would have. the feeling of powerlessness would have overwhelmed you, but you trusted chan. he wouldn’t hurt you. he was carrying you to safety, not to fear.

he sat you down on the mattress, taking the time to remove his shirt before crawling on top of you and connecting his lips back to yours.

as much as you loved kissing the man on top of you, you lightly shoved him away, hands sliding down his bare torso as you took him all in. he was gorgeous. the freckles across his chest and his hot skin against your palms made waves of butterflies go through your stomach.

chan let you marvel at him for a moment before leaning down and kissing your neck, speaking warmly into the skin.

“now you’ve seen me. can i see you, angel?”

there wasn’t even a second of hesitation before you were nodding, lifting your arms above your head to allow him to pull off your shirt.

if it has been anyone else asking for you to reveal yourself in your most vulnerable, you would have hesitated. you would have done so much more than hesitate, but it wasn’t someone else. it was chan. there was no reason to hesitate with chan.

his fingers ghosted over your back as he fumbled to unclip your bra, tossing it onto the quickly forming pile of clothes on the ground.

he failed an attempt to hold i’m a groan at the sight of you under him. the noise sent a wave of affection and lust through your body, landing right in your core.

he leaned down and placed another gentle kiss to your lips before trailing his way down your body, landing on your left boob. he swirled his tongue around your nipple before taking it into his mouth, coaxing a soft moan from your lips. he made a sound of approval in response and repeated his action, gaining the same reaction.

god, he’d wanted to take his time with you, but you were making it difficult for him to keep his patience.

continuing his trail of kisses, he found his way to the waistband of your pants, tapping your hip as a signal for you to shift your weight to help him pull them off. you complied, it wasn’t like your patience was holding up much better than his.

you reached for him, trying to get him to the same position you were in, but he pushed your hand away. you let out an annoyed whine and got an amused chuckle in response, which only made your pout grow.

“you’re so eager y/n. you want me bad, don’t you?”

you nodded and his smile grew.

“be patient, baby girl. i don’t want to hurt you.”

your reply was instant, “you won’t hurt me.”

he raised an eyebrow at you, a hint of something other than the pure affection he’d been showing you thus far showing through his eyes.

“i’m not? okay.”

he leaned back on his heels, undoing his belt and jeans. you watched as he pulled himself from his confinements and kept the position like he was on display, letting you take in every inch of him.

you’d never seen a dick up close and personal before, but you were sure that chan was huge. a smirk grew on his face as he watched you turn back on you’re statement.

“still think you’ll handle me fine with no prep?”

too stunned to form a coherent sentence, you just stared at him, raking your eyes over his body.

he shrugged, “i didn’t hear a no.”

you broke from your trance as he went into motion, leaning down close to you and situating himself between your legs.

“wait!”

he paused, raising an eyebrow at you.

“i didn’t know.”

“didn’t know what, angel?”

he knew perfectly well what you were referring to, but he wanted to make you say it.

“didn’t know you were so big.”

both his heart and his cock throbbed at the crude words coming out of your mouth in that innocent little voice of yours.

unable to contain a smile, he leaned down and placed a loving kiss to your temple, keeping his place between your legs as he drug his hand down your body. a small gasp left you when his fingers came in contact with your heat, the pure intensity of having someone touch you for the first time nearly overwhelming you.

you weren’t sure you’d be able to handle much with how intense every touch he gave you already was, but you quickly changed your mind to wanting so much more as he slid a single finger through your folds and into your heat.

the feeling was uncomfortable at first, foreign, but you got used to it quickly. just as you’d adjusted to the feeling, a second finger was being added, stretching you further. you winced slightly at the pain the stretch caused, but the pleasure as chan curled his fingers against your walls easily outweighed it.

it wasn’t long before you were practically begging him for more, insisting that you were ready now, that he had worked you good enough for you to handle him.

he was worried that he hadn’t, that you could use a couple more minutes of prep, but how was he supposed to say no to you when you were begging like that? especially after waiting so long to finally have you in this position, he couldn’t.

it was hard to believe you’d had any initial hesitation with the way you wrapped your legs around his back as he sat lined up at your entrance, partly to tease you and partly to give you one final change to back out before you went any further, but there was no way you were going to back out now.

you had one thing on your mind; the man above you. you wanted him, and nothing could change your mind about this. no amount of nerves or fear could overpower the love and need you felt at the moment.

it took everything out of chan not to ruin you the second he slipped inside your walls. you swallowed him so perfectly, right walls clenching around him as he began a slow pace.

he made the mistake of opening his bliss-closed eyes and looking at the place his cock met your body. he held on to every last ounce of control he had as he watched himself slide in and out of you so perfectly. you were so small, but you still took him like it was what you were made for.

“god, baby, you’re doing so good.” he groaned, tearing his eyes away from your heat and burying his face in the crook of your neck. the mixture of his lips against your neck and his length working inside of you built up a knot in your stomach, and your moans started to sound more like whines. chan noticed, both by your change in tone and the way you were helplessly clenching around him, and brought a hand down to your clit, circling his fingers softly against you. in a wave of pleasure you handy even known was possible, you gripped hard into chan’s shoulders and swore you were seeing stars. chan was lucky you’d talked about having children soon, because he didn’t know if he could have pulled himself out of you if he had needed to. the urge to work you through your climax and let his own go was something he was glad he didn’t have fight against.

yet another foreign feeling touched your senses as chan released inside of you, but you were too far gone in coming down from your high to really even notice. the overstimulation of him still being inside of you wasn’t your main concern as you came back down from the clouds.

you came back to reality as he slipped himself out of you, collecting any cum that came out with him and pressing it back into your hole with his fingers. you lied limp as he found your panties and secured them back over your heat, muttering something about making sure you kept every piece of him safe inside of you.

you barely registered that he’d left the room before he was back, two glasses of water and a plate of fruit in his arms. somewhere along the way his boxers had ended up back on him, just another thing you’d been too stunned to process.

you heard the sound of him setting the glasses and plate on a side table before feeling the bed dip beside you. he chuckled, placing his hand on your cheek and turning you to look at him. your eyelids fluttered and his heart swelled. he helped you into a sitting position and handed you one of the waters, setting the plate of food on the bed beside you and ordering you to eat something.

“you seem dizzy, i don’t want you to pass out.”

you laughed raising an eyebrow, “who’s fault is it that i’m dizzy?”

he put his hands up in defense, “you’re the one who seduced me!”

neither of you could contain your giggles as you popped one last grape into your mouth before handing chan the plate and your glass to set aside. the second his hands were free, you pulled him down to a laying position and yanked the blankets over the two of you, finding a soft pillow in his chest.

[atomicladyshark]

I never do this, but I am going to do this.I am going to talk about safety.And I am not going to mention hats once.I’ve seen one too many sad stories about people tumbling off their horses, one too many melancholy pictures from A&E, one too many shy, shamed admissions that the nerve has gone. People feel ashamed that they are afraid to get back on their horses after a nasty fall. But there are two kinds of fear: the useful, sensible fear that keeps us humans alive, and the paranoid amygdala fear that says everything is going to hell and we will never amount to anything. The first one is the one I listen to. I don’t, eccentric as it may seem, want to die.That fear tells me a lot of good stuff. It tells me that if the red mare and I are out of practice, we will need to go and do a bit of preparatory work before we ride out into the hills again. It tells me that preparation and practice and patience are everything. It tells me not to rely on luck or what the hell; it tells me to do the work, day after day.So, in our field, we do the work. We do it on the ground, for days and weeks and months, until the fear nods its head sagely and tells us we are ready. We do stuff which looks boring or nuts to a lot of people. And that’s because I don’t want to be the person who has to sit up all night in a chair because of seven broken ribs, or who can hardly speak and is the colour of putty because of a smashed up pelvis, or who is hobbling about on a broken ankle. I live alone. I have to do my work and look after dogs and horses. I can’t break my ankle.I have a whole boatload of rules that many people will scoff at. I don’t care. For instance, I won’t get on a horse who can’t stand still at the mounting block. Won’t do it. It’s not only dangerous in and of itself, but that inability to stand is what my friend Warwick Schiller calls ‘bolting at the standstill’. That horse cannot control itself, and so we’re in trouble, right off the bat. I spend years teaching my horses to control themselves. I learnt an entire new horsemanship from scratch to do this. It is never complete, because horses are prey animals and flight animals, but it goes a hell of a long way. You literally can teach horses to think their way through problems, rather than react. You can teach them to move easily between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, so they can bring themselves down after a fright. I’ll give you a specific example: when Clova first came to us, it took her as long as forty-seven minutes to bring herself down. I once timed it on my telephone. And that was not after a fright, that was after the tiniest bit of pressure - just me asking her to trot round me on the rope. Forty-seven minutes. I stood and breathed and waited and broke my heart, a little, thinking of the things she must have been through in her life. Now, it takes between three to seven seconds. I watched her do it the other day, out on the trail. An unexpected duck flew up off the burn. It gave her a tiny fright. Four seconds later, she dropped her head, relaxed into her loose rein, and licked and chewed.  We taught her that, because it’s a lifesaver, for her rider. It also makes her own life so much easier and happier.We do a ton of other stuff that helps safety. We teach all our horses to stand still, we teach them all personal space, we teach them focus and connection. This means they won’t trample over us in fear. When horses get scared, they go blind. They’ll knock you over because they don’t know you are there. They are in full survival mode. I won’t work with horses like that. It’s not their fault, but they scare the jeepers out of me. Actually, that’s not true. Our Freya was like that, and I did work with her, because I wanted her to relax and be happy and find herself, and so I had to work through a lot of very sensible fear. It was a balance between keeping myself safe and giving that horse what she needed, all the time. Thank goodness those days are behind us. Kayleigh was sometimes scared and I was sometimes scared and we were absolutely right to be afraid. There was danger, and we reacted to it rationally.The focus work is not just so the horses won’t send us flying when they are in survival mode, it’s also for things like feeding time and putting them back into the field. I have a ridiculously strict rule in the field. All our children obey it to the letter. I owe it to their mothers to keep them safe. It is: we lead the horses in, find a good space, turn them to face the gate, check whether they are relaxed, check whether they are focused on us (rather than on the bears in the woods), check whether they are connected to us, and only then let them go. I do all this because I love being with horses and I don’t want to be scared of them. A horse who can regulate her own nervous system is so much easier to be around. She’s easy with herself and that makes the humans happy and confident. A horse who knows about personal space is a pleasure, in every interaction. A horse who has control over himself is a joy, not a terror. Horses will always be intrinsically risky. We’ve all tumbled off, at one time or another, the posse and I. But I like to reduce the risk to the lowest possible point. Every time one of us tumbles, we learn a boatload of lessons from that. It’s almost always that I’ve let something slide, got a bit cocky, ignored a warning sign.I’m not very brave, and I’m glad I’m not. I used to be deadly ashamed of this. Everything in my childhood was geared to kicking on and riding through it. That was what my dad did, with his steeplechasers; that’s what he famously did when the docs told him he could never ride again and he was back the next year in the Grand National. That was how it was done, in our house. But I don’t have that kind of physical courage; not any more. I am afraid of breaking things and hurting things. So I train my horses in the ways of slowness and peace. I train them to know me and know themselves, so that fear does not swamp them when it comes. I train them to trust their humans, so they don’t have to go into that hard, terrified survival mode. They always have someone, in their corner, on their side, who will stand on the ramparts and not let the mountain lions pass.I think a lot about what horses want. Sometimes, I think they want someone who will stand between them and a hungry lion. I am not physically brave, but I would do that for my red mare. I can’t tell you that she knows that, not for sure (I will never entirely know what she knows), but my guess is she has a sense of it. And that is why we are a team. We will protect each other until the last lion is down.

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Lately, everything has been terrible and stressful can I please get some fluff between sole and a married romanced companion doing married couple stuff?

(Heyy, I recognize you from my Skyrim blog! Hope everything starts getting better, whatever is going on)

(This is one of those things where if ya'll want a little drabble with a specific character..just ask! This may be more of a romantic fluff thing because i don't really know how to specifically make it about them being married //although I am thinking of writing wedding Headcanons// but you get the gist.))

Cait:

•She never thought she would ever find herself here. Surely, she thought, she would've been beaten to death or overdosed before love ever would've been in the cards. So, it would be a vast understatement to say she's sometimes at a loss for words when she looks at you. Her wife/husband..damn that felt good.

•Often times you are privileged to the more tender side of Cait, the side of her that allows her to be completely at ease. During these times, she'll allow you to kiss some of her scars- her face flushing a furious red similar to one of her hair. She usually isn't the sappy type, but if you tell her that you love them as much as you love her..cue the waterworks.

•It's maybe not the romantic gesture, but she finds herself consistently sharpening your knives when you aren't around- placing them back in your knapsack before you get home. Partially accredited to her want for your safety and otherwise well being.

•If you have long enough hair, she sometimes will braid it in one of those fancy four strand braids..you know..to keep it out of your face for combat.

•Bunch of nights spent on the roof of red rocket sipping crappy warm beer but neither of you caring, much too invested in each other's presence to be picky.

Curie:

•She keeps a very strict journaling of her research records...she also keeps one detailing every little aspect of you that she loves. She isn't exactly sure why she started doing this, but..it quickly becomes a post-war like scrapbook of the two of you. The biggest picture with tons of little hearts around it is the one of the two of you on your wedding day.

•You can sometimes find her uncontrollably grinning whenever she takes off her lab gloves and sees her wedding ring. She doesn't dare ever take it off.

•The second you get sick she is there by your side, the whole "in sickness" part of her vows surely weren't just for tradition.

Danse:

•Just as you wear his, Danse never parts with your dog tags. Between them and his ring, they may as well be a part of him. Danse also has your initials engraved on the gauntlets of his power armour.

•Danse is surprisingly physically affectionate. As such, there are many instances where your ever so serious husband will stop you, running his thumb over your cheek before randomly giving you a chaste kiss. Afterwards he almost always follows the action up with something along the lines of "I'll never understand how I've became lucky enough to be able to call you mine."

•Enjoys you keeping him company when he works on power armour or weapons. Even if you have no skill in blacksmithing, he will insist that you join him. Just imagine it- a warm wasteland afternoon, Dogmeat laying out in the sun, some tune playing over the radio while a sweaty, tank top wearing Danse getting you to mod weapons with him.

Deacon:

•Deacon easily becomes very protective over you, who can blame him? His luck with marriage hasn't been the best...but then again..neither has your's. The more serious side of your relationship will always be the lingering fear of losing each other..it's good enough to make you hold each other closer at night.

•Late night snack breaks while the radio plays and the two of you dance around together is a must have for each night.

•You two are now formally known as the only married couple of the Railroad. Congrats.

Gage:

•Totally has gotten a tattoo of your name. Let's face it, you probably have one of his as well.

•Loves spoiling you as much as he possibly can without crossing the line as your "right-hand" man. Gangs can't know too much. Well, they already know you're married..but you know..

•Doesn't drink very often, matter of fact he used to despise it. However, he soon sees the merriment in it via drunken antics with just you in your own privacy. Oh, expanding upon this..it's sort of a morning ritual for the two of you to watch the sunrise and drink some nuka-quantum to get the day going.

Hancock:

•The people of Goodneighbor view the two of you like some cool political power couple. It's neat. With that reputation also comes your husband seeking your counsel in political matters, let's just face it, he sometimes needs some guidance on how to be more strict without breaking his "code".

•Serves as a wonderful listener. I know, bare minimum- but seriously, he is incredibly wise when it comes to everyday strife. Plus, there isn't anyone else he'd rather listen to than his sweet sunshine.

•Often presents you with lavish gifts that you probably don't want to know where he got the funds for. Doesn't matter.

Macready:

•He probably will have warned you a thousand times over before marriage but by marrying you, Duncan has to come into the big picture. So, marrying Mac means adopting yourself another little one and becoming your own perfect family.

•As such, a lot of the fluffier times have to do with all of you bonding. Be it making some strange wasteland alternative to pancakes in the morning or going out together to go shoot cans off the fence- life is pretty good.

•Mac becomes at ease whenever he feels completely secure. This will bleed over into every aspect of him, meaning you'll often times find him being less awkward with flirting with you and he also isn't as guarded.

Maxson:

•Although the two of you both uphold your duties to a tee, you always make sure to have time dedicated to the two of you. Regarding this, Arthur is completely in awe during the first few months of your marriage. He knew he wanted you, he just didn't ever imagine it would happen like this, plus being such a young newlywed surely puts an extra pep in his step.

•On some of the off days where he can just have you all to himself: he likes to play chess, take walks, and simply cuddle the hours away.

•I also believe it's worth mentioning that Arthur occasionally leaves you heartfelt love letters around where you'll get them. So even in the days he can't spend devoted to you, at least you'll have that.

Nick:

•Slow dancing? Oh hell yes. Slow dances in the agency to songs like "Easy Living" are a common occurrence for the two of you.

•You'll never doubt how much he loves you, I can guarantee that much. Nick is nothing if not a romantic.

Piper:

•Date nights spent enjoying some power noodles as she screws with the robot vendor.

•Also a repeat offender of leaving love notes for you to find. Only she gets embarrassed if you bring them up. She's happy you like them, but..don't say anything.

•Nat is also a part of the family. Just so you know!

Preston:

•Regularly finds himself admiring you, not in the strictly surface way either. He just can't get over how wonderful you've made his life from the moment you entered it.

•Garvey loves taking you for some safe wasteland foraging, maybe not the most splendid married couple outing but, eh, it works!

X6-88:

•If given the opportunity, he'll sometimes play some songs for you if you happen to find a piano that still functions.

•The whole "married" thing sometimes confuses him. He loves you, but is he supposed to treat you any differently? Probably not- but he still wonders every once in a while

[greensaplinggrace]

What Is There To Celebrate About the Darkling? (Part 3)

1 2 3 4

His shadow powers are so badass, literally how could you not celebrate him for that alone?

Villain wears black trope REPRESENT.

The way his cloak billows dramatically in episode one before Alina enters the Fold.

The way his cloak billows in general.

His little face in the background after his and Alina’s first kiss as he tries to compose himself.

Him knocking on the table in episode five when he gets back to see Alina. My mans was so hopeful that he’d finally get to third base with the love of his life. RIP.

Large hands. Very tall.

The way he literally cannot tear his eyes away from Alina during the entire scene where Alina dresses him and they have their first kiss.

The softest looking hair I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe Alina got to run her hands through it and she still left him.

How he urgently looks around for Alina outside after she leaves in episode five, right before he confronts Baghra. He’s very frantic and panting and clearly concerned and not being subtle at all about his emotions.

Also the way he walks when he’s leaving Baghra, with his hands stuck out to the side and his fists clenching and unclenching as his form grows smaller in the distance. He looks like a tiny penguin waddling away.

Son’s evil dastardly bastard plans once again thwarted by own mother. Can you imagine living for an eternity and never being free of your parents? Fuck all that other shit, no wonder he went darkside.

“She is all that matters now, not me. She is the future. She is the one-” SIMP

His little smile before he goes to answer the door after they kiss. The way his hold on her lingers as if he can’t bear to part with her. Forehead touch. They are giggling.

The way he runs back in for another kiss. This man is so gone it’s not even funny.

He calls her to him in the books and she spends the entire time agonizing over how upset he’s going to be. The man literally just wants to ask her about her day.

Defends Alina to Baghra after he witnesses her getting harassed. Defends himself to Baghra after she treats him like shit. Love that for him.

“I made something.” / “Let me make a mark on this world before I leave it.” / “It’s my own name I’m afraid of forgetting.” / “He understood then. The Grisha lived as shadows, passing over the surface of the world, touching nothing. Forced to change their shapes and hide in corners, driven by fear as shadows were driven by the sun. No safe place. No haven.” / “There will be, he promised the darkness, words written upon his heart. I will make one.”

Him offering Alina his kvas. They drink from the same glass.

Sasha “no thoughts head empty only Alina” Morozova having to look away and calm himself when Alina licks her lips after drinking his kvas.

Literally his entire confrontation with Kaz. Absolutely hilarious. Local centuries old Black Heretic gets bested by a teenager with one (1) flash grenade.

“I never intended for it to be the blight it’s become.” - Genuine regret. A+++.

Asks Mal what Alina’s favorite flowers are and then gives them to her. Was it manipulative? Yes. Was it awful? Absolutely. Was it the funniest and smoothest shit I’ve ever seen? 100%. I laughed my ass off.

Alina: *enters the fete dressed in the black kefta* *Darkling.exe has stopped working*

This man takes one look at her lack of guards and goes: what’s more important than how beautiful the wifey looks? her safety. *protective bf mode initiated*

He admires how pretty he appears in the mirror of his room with absolutely zero shame and 100% pride. We stan a vain icon in this house💕. Also the mirror is in front of the bed?!?! 👀👀👀

His knife ring.

“You looked like you needed saving,” as fire plays across his features and he looks at Alina with an expression that makes my soul want to splinter into pieces. The implications, the pain.

Will display his complete and utter adoration for Alina in front of the entire Court including the King and Queen despite the fact that that is the worst thing he could possibly do in the political environment.

“No ordinary tracker. No ordinary girl. Orphans of Keramzin reunited. AdOrAbLe.” - How do you say you have issues without saying you have issues?

The way he eclipses Alina when he’s stepping down from the dais. The inherent romantic symbolism of the eclipse and what that means for him.

Him getting excited about the stag to the point where he’s eagerly rummaging through the maps on his table and urgently asking Mal tons of questions.

The five second delay in his thoughts as he processes that Mal isn’t cooperating. Poor guy really thought that everything was finally coming up Sasha for once.

He constantly uplifts Alina after Baghra’s emotional abuse. He constantly helps her with her self esteem and reassures her that she’s doing well and that she just needs more time.

“Yeah I don’t know what Baghra’s summoning ability is,” he said, like a liar.

Even after Baghra suggests that Alina left he doesn’t believe it. He has to hear it from Kaz after searching for ages before he finally begins to believe it.

“You smuggle Grisha out of MY PALACE!”

Titty grab during the kiss scene.

He lifts her up onto the table!!

Local whipped dark overlord gets excited that Fedyor has found Alina and has to suffer through the embarrassment of acting like a lovesick fool when he learns it’s just about Nina.

His relationship with Nikolai.

The fact that Alina’s scarf blows past him before they even meet.

The way he nods with such an understanding expression when the Conductor is lying his ass off as if he sympathizes with everything the other man is saying and isn’t secretly planning his elaborate murder.

Puppy dog eyes all the time.

Every time his smile is forced and ingenuine and he looks like he’s about to stab someone.

Every time his smile is genuine and he looks super soft and loving.

“You have no chance, ShAdoW mAn.” Literally how is he ever going to recover from this.

His hands motions when he summons. I just think they’re neat.

He kills the Conductor. Hated that guy. And he looked sexy as fuck doing it.

He hates the Druskelle, he hates the Ravkan monarchy. I can relate.

He’s NOT a bootlicker, unlike some.

Dad mode gets activated when David raises his hand. Aleksander just goes along with it like an exasperated father.

Ben Barnes nose scronch.

He begs for Luda’s life.

“Merzost feeds on us. I forbid it!” two seconds later *frantic rummaging through notes on the merzost* *reading the Forbidden Knowledge™ without any hesitation* *Immediate Disaster Occurs*

“Mom look what I made!” “Your art is atrocious and you’re no longer my son.”

His history was written by the victors. The tale of the Black Heretic is straight up propaganda by the corrupt monarchy.

Immortal old man caught in a young adult love triangle: I read your letters. Malyen “what the fuck is happening on this here day” Oretsev: ??!?!?!!! who even are you??

Aleksander admitting he needs Alina.

Darklina hand holds.

He did not have to make that episode eight hand-hold on the skiff so sensual but he did it anyways.

The way he hides under his cloak like a turtle when Jesper shoots at him.

He looks so awkward and isolated at the fete surrounded by all of those colorful nobles.

He’s always ready to murder a bitch and honestly I respect that.

Would kill for his gf.

That entire scene where he kisses Alina in the snow in the books like the most awkward motherfucker and then goes “wtf just happened?! Darkling out” before fleeing the scene of the Emotion.

He’s eternally confused by his feelings for Alina and it’s hilarious.

“Looking for trouble, and if I cannot find it I will create it.”

He’s basically just a moth attracted to a fatal light. RIP.

The way he throws open double doors like a man on a mission.

“Follow.”

He’s utterly precious and I would die for him. 🖤

[yukina-otome]

Ikevamp pregnancy and family headcanon pt.1

So I don’t usually write headcanons. English is only my 3rd language so I make a lot of mistakes. But these days I work at the Maternity hospital and I got those baby vibes so I decided to write this. Please be nice to me. I’m a noob at writing lol. I will illustrate what I think the children would look like with pictures of characters that are NOT MINE. Pls be understanding. If you want a part 2 tell me what other boys you would like in the comments and live me a little encouragement because I have 0 confidence lol.

Part 2 | Part 3

1-Napoleon : 2 sons and 1 daughter 

-Napoleon always dreamed of a normal peaceful life -That peaceful life of course included you, and kids that would look like you running around. -And so when you first got pregnant Napoleon was beyond happy. -He wanted a little girl that would look exactly like you. -9 months later you gave him the cutest little boy with his dark hair and Turquoise eyes. -The second he laid his eyes on him he adored him. -5 years later napoleon asked if you were ready to have another one. A little girl this time hopefully. -And BOOM 10 months later a little boy was born again with dark slightly blue hair and blue eyes. -Still Napoleon loved him to death and was happy. -The third time you got pregnant was not planned. -You 2nd son was still 2 years old. -But you guys were still very happy. -9 months passed and napoleon was almost sure he'll get a little boy again. -But this time a beautiful baby girl was born with your brown hair and blue almost gray eyes. -Napoleon couldn't have been any happier. -He loved and cherished all his children equally. -His first born was calm and cool but very sensitive. He loved reading and studying. He spent a lot of time with uncle Isaac who taught him everything from math to physics to Latin. -The second born was more like Napoleon. He trained with his father and uncle jean as soon as he could walk. He loved his mother a lot and vowed to protect her from bad guys ("like uncle Arthur who always flirts with mama"). -The third born looked a lot like you but her personality was just like napoleon. She had charisma and everyone was in awe in front of her. she usually went on horse rides with her father. -The family would usually cook crepes together on Sunday and all of napoleon children still had to learn how to defend themselves. -He's very open minded and forging but very strict when it comes to their safety.

2-Mozart :  2 daughters (Twins)

-Mozart never thought about having children. -But being with you opened many new horizons in his life and he started thinking about what it would be like having a family with you. -So when one day you told him you were pregnant, he froze for 1 min before scooping you in his arms. -You've never seen Mozart smile wider. -When you were in your fifth month Arthur told you that you seemed bigger than most pregnant woman at that stage. -You wondered if he was right and visited your doctor the next day. -After some examination your doctor told you you were most likely pregnant with twins. She started explaining about the risks that could have. -When you told Wolf about it he was horrified. The thought of loosing you was unbearable. -But you told him you wanted this and that you would fight for your life and the life of your babies no matter what. You also made him promise to treasure and take care of your babies no matter what happens. -Your labor started early. In the 7th month to be precise and after few hours of fear and anxiety the doctor told Mozart that you gave birth to two beautiful girls and that both the babies and you were okay. -Of course the twins were very small and needed extra care but thankfully everything went well. -When you finally brought them to the mansion all the guys went crazy over them. -The first twin was the spitting image of Mozart with white hair and purple eyes. She was calm and cold looking but inside she was a big softie. Of course you guys named her Violet. -The second twin had your brown hair and her father violet eyes and she reminded you of a sunflower. She was cheerful and a bit clumsy. Theo loved her a lot because she reminded him of Vincent. Her name was Sonnen (solar in German) and Mozart always called her my Sonnenblume (means my sunflower). -Both the twins would learn piano from their father but Violet liked it more. Sonnen preferred to go out and play with king and uncle Theo -You would spend hours cooking with Sonnen who always had crazy ideas like marmalade butter beef cookies. (thankfully you would stop her). When you guys finished you went in the piano room where violet and Mozart were playing piano and invite them to eat. -You would all eat in the dinning room though because of the "No food in our piano room" rule.

3-Leonardo : 1 daughter (warning mention of character death)

-Leonardo didn't want kids at first. -He always thought about how you would feel if you saw yourself growing old while your child would stop growing out. -He also didn't want to see his child suffer the same way he did and would again eventually. -And so when one day you told him nervously you were pregnant he grew silent. You knew he needed some time to think it over so you gave him some space.  -Few days passed and Leo still kept silent. He was in his thought most of the time and le compte felt something was wrong with his friend. -When Leo told le compte, le compte frowned and told him that both of you need to have a conversation and that he cant stay silent for the rest of his life. -That night Leo knocked at your door and told you about his fears. You smiled at him and told him that you would never regret giving birth to his child. -"I know a day would come when i will have to leave you, that makes me very sad but what sadden me even more is imagining you alone after i leave. I want to leave you someone who can share your pain and happiness for eternity. Someone to remind you of me, of us." -After that Leo relaxed and as months pass the fear is replaced by excitement. He starts reading tons of books about pregnancies and child raising and his room becomes even more of a mess. -But one day after you tripped on a pile of books and almost fell leo decided that he would keep his room clean of all time. The next day when you entered his room and saw how tidy it is you got into shock. -Anyways few months later you give birth to a beautiful baby girl. Of course as Leo expected the baby was a true blood. -She had light brown hair and yellow eyes identical to his. -She was cute and sweet and at the same time had a fierce aura. She shared her father interests and always sat to read with him books that were way beyond her age. -She loved swords, fighting and sports. -She loved her uncle le compte the most and he always bought her all kind of dresses. -But one day she told him she didn't want any more dress cause she was going to wear pants from now on. -She was a tomboy and loved going to the pub with her uncle Arthur and Theo and start fights (once she was old enough of course) -She became her father best companion and even hundreds of years later he never felt alone ever again because she was always by his side even after you left them both.

4-Arthur: 2 daughters and 1 son

-Arthur knew you were pregnant way before you even noticed that you were late on your period. -He was not surprised because you two would go at it like bunnies every night so it was bound to happen. -He always dreamed and what it was to have a family with you but at the same time he was terrified. His past and trauma coming to haunt him again. -Outside he seemed fine but you knew better. You spent long nights reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. -He was feeling better but still needed your reassurance from time to time. -As the 9th month got closer he became incredibly overprotective. He stuck to your side at all time and got his old medical books out to study again Obstetrics and pediatrics. -He was ready. Or so he thought. -But when the time came he was an absolute mess of panic. It took Theo to give him a good punch on the face for him to get his s**t together. -DOCTOR MODE ACTIVATED. -Thankfully everything went smoothly and a baby girl with black hair and huge blue eyes was born. -He knew that moment he would never be the same ever again. -OVERPROTECTIVE PAPA MODE ACTIVATED. -He never let any man approach her (even the 2 year old who wanted to play with her in the park) -"All men are wolves my darling" he would say as his 1 year old daughter looked at him with he big blue eyes. -Eventually you got pregnant again (Again Arthur was not surprised). -But this time Arthur was a lot more calm. -A beautiful baby girl was born again with smaller blue eyes and brown hair. -She looked like a mini you but with Arthur's eyes. -Arthur wanted to name her Victoria but dropped the idea because he thought it would be confusing (because of Vic). -The two girls loved spending time with uncle Vincent and Theo -The first born favorite hobby was teasing her uncle Isaac as soon as she was old enough to talk. -"As expected of my daughter" Arthur would say as he rolls on the floor laughing. -She shared her father sharp instincts and would help him solve the cases in the city. -The second daughter was much more calm and gentle. Just like her mother. She loved her father stories but not Sherlock Holmes. Her favorite book was "The Coming  of the Fairies" -She had an almost obsession with fairies and supernatural beings. - When your daughter were both 10 and 12 years old you accidentally got pregnant again (If You think two daughters would stop Arthur you are very wrong). -This time it was the cutest baby boy with curly black hair and big blue eyes. -Your baby boy was a huge crybaby and was always stuck to his mother. He was delicate and sensitive. He cared about others well being more than anything and he dreamed of being a doctor. -When he told Arthur he was absolutely against it. He didn't want his son to go through the pain he had to endure. But as your son grew up he became less of a crybaby while still being sensitive and delicate. He showed great talent in the medical field. -"Arthur, you were alone but our son is not alone. He got us and his sisters to hug him and wipe his tears when he'll need a break. Let's support him together." you told Arthur one night and eventually his father accepted to let him live his dream.

I only did the 4 first suitors but if u want any of the others pls do tell me in the comments. I’ll make a part 2. Also since this is my very first headcanon pls tell me what u think. Don’t be too mean pls.

[90slevi]

Loneliness {Levi Ackerman x Reader}

TW: a bit of gore? a LOT of angst, more of me venting lol

Levi ran his hands through his hair as he flopped down onto the old, crusty sofa.

It'd been a tough day for him and his squad, the group of them only just surviving as they frantically dodged a mass of titans and tried their best to weave through the pounding rain that was so heavy it almost left marks on the scarred bodies of the soldiers. Thank god the group had found a small, secluded cabin, or they might've frozen to death - if they hadn't been eaten first.

The number of people Levi had seen get mutilated in front of him in the past few hours alone was enough for the average person to see in a lifetime. For him, it should be normal. He should be used to it by now, maybe even desensitised, but every time he watched a person get split in half by the gaping jaws of a titan, it felt like a fresh, stinging wound on his skin. It was painful, yet all he could do was watch with his stern expression to hide the way he truly felt. To keep the confidence of his squad high.

Now, he and his crew were safe. Physically, maybe, but certainly not mentally.

Levi missed his wife. His head pounded in pain as the blood-stained bandages began to unravel and his headache increased, but all he wanted to do was think about her. He held her letters close, and he held the small oil-painting of the two of them close to his heart, something that'd been made by one of the higher-ups as a gift for Humanity's Strongest. The letter was one of the first things Y/n had written to him and the pretty yet smudged handwriting along with the cute curls of her Gs and Ys made his heart feel warm.

It'd been about a month since they'd both left Wall Sina to go on this extremely long, drawn-out expedition, and how much he cared about her was beginning to dwell on him. His heart and body ached, and he wished she was there with him to comfort his pains, even if he acted like he wasn't listening.

That was what Levi liked about her; she knew how much he cared about her without him needing to express himself. Something he wasn't... the best at.

Levi didn't realise his eyes were welling up with tears until he felt a small, fresh droplet appear on his upper cheek, and his eyelashes felt sticky. Quickly, he wiped it away with his sleeves, but it was unlikely anyone would see. Everyone was supposedly asleep, while he stayed up due to his unfortunate insomnia. Y/n was always there with him in their bed at home, someone he could hold onto while he tried his best to sleep. Her fingers running through his hair, leaving small little pats on his scalp, and tiny kisses on his forehead were all things he missed dreadfully, and he gulped a little as his heart pounded slightly.

Love was never really a thing Levi had believed in. He just went about his life, trying to survive and find a better life for humanity. But when he met Y/n, everything changed. Of course, he disliked her at first, just as he did with most people. Her bubbly, caring personality with too much sympathy and love for other people were things he, unfortunately, despised, mainly because they were things he seemed to lack. Yet... he couldn't help but be drawn to her, giving her extra chores such as cleaning his office and bringing him tea just so he could see her. Often he'd ask Y/n to help him with his paperwork so he had some sort of company, once even choosing her over Hanji to fetch him food.

He slowly began to realise over the months that it wasn't hatred he felt for Y/n. It was... fear. He was scared of loving someone, especially someone like her. Someone who was part of the Survey Corps, and someone who could die within a week and not have the chance to say goodbye. It hurt him way too much to love someone, yet he couldn't keep his feelings to himself.

When he found out she felt the same way, the two discussed their options. One being totally ridiculous and one being... more reasonable and sensible.

The first? Choosing to leave the Survey Corps and get married, far away from the life they'd been leading.

The second? Staying in the Survey Corps and going separate ways, never to speak of this again and to drop the feelings if they could.

But of course Y/n managed to merge the two together. Staying in the Survey Corps and getting married.

But... they were in different squads. While he led his own, Y/n was under Hanji, and he currently had no idea where her squad was or IF they'd even survived. They'd been seperated for three weeks now, and the questions that filled his mind felt like psychological torture. Levi tried his best to block that thought out of his head, not wanting to be plagued with the thoughts of his wife's death instead of focussing on the mission at hand. At that moment, he needed to prioritise his own Squad's safety, but he couldn't keep those thoughts at bay.

A sniffle escaped his nose as he felt his eyes well up again, and Levi had never felt so lonely. His free arm reached upwards as if he could magically touch fingers with Y/n and know she was okay, but it was pointless. His arm flopped back down as he tried to find a comfortable position on the absolutely awful-excuse of a sofa, but struggled. Crying was not a very-Levi thing to do, but at that moment? He just couldn't help himself.

Tears streamed down his cheeks, and he felt almost like a baby. He was not only upset about not having his wife near, but extremely embarrassed too. He was hyperaware that someone could see him, even though nobody was there, and he knew that as a captain, it was highly irresponsible to be sobbing like this. He'd only cried twice in front of Y/n; the first was when he thought she'd died, and the second was the aftermath of his original squad dying. If only she could see him now, looking pathetic and weak.

But he should've known she didn't think of him like that. Y/n knew him as the strongest person she'd ever met in her life and believed that crying was not a sign of weakness, but a sign of holding it in for too long. Holding in those negative emotions and putting on a strong facade only she could see through. Only a fool would think Levi was brave all the time, because even the strongest get scared.

"Fuck," Levi muttered shakily, noticing that one of his tears had merged two words together on one of the letters, creating an inky black blob. He placed the pieces of parchment onto the table beside him, making sure not to ruin them anymore, and balled his fists into his eyes to stop himself from crying anymore. He didn't want to feel this; he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his days with you, blissfully unaware that the titans even existed. Maybe he'd be a dad.

But no. The world just liked to cruelly torture him and watch him suffer. The world wanted him to watch everyone he ever knew die in front of him in ways he didn't want to experience. The world just wanted the worst for him, and he wondered what he'd ever done to deserve it.

When he heard a knock at the door of the cabin, he completely ignored it, not wanting to get up and answer. His eyes were red and puffy, while teardrops hung in his eyelashes. It was clear as day he'd been crying, and for some reason, it didn't exactly register in his mind that there was someone at the door until he heard footsteps.

"Captain Hanji!" a voice from downstairs exclaimed, one Levi recognised as Armin Arlert's. Levi almost shot up in his seat at that name, and his heart almost dropped to the pit of his stomach. He held his breath, the pain of not knowing whether his wife was alive or not becoming too much to bear. And now, he'd be told what'd happened to her. "It's so late, where have you been?"

"We took a detour," Hanji chuckled, and Levi groaned quietly at her poor taste in jokes. It was somewhere around 2am and everyone was filled with so much anxiety that it really wasn't the right time for her 'comedic expertise'. "No, we got ambushed by a ton of titans and we had to hideout in this abandoned castle until it was safe. We used the night to kill the ones that were resting before coming here."

"But we got lost," a male's voice said, and Levi heard Armin physically face-palm. The captain kicked his legs over the sofa and his ears pricked up, his heart racing against his chest for any sign of his wife. He was completely frozen in place, unable to leave the room and confront the group, never mind help them. Thank goodness Armin was there. "Hanji went way too far East instead of West."

"Hey! I was listening to your directions, Heinrich," Hanji sighed, and he heard the door close behind them as the whole group wandered inside. A few members of his own squad seemed to be leaving their temporary bedroom, greeting Hanji and the others with a fake display of delight. Not that they weren't happy to see Hanji's squad; they were delighted to know the group was alive and well. They were just... tired, and too mentally traumatised from that day alone to give a proper smile.

Footsteps echoed around the house to the point that Levi had no idea if people were coming up or going down the stairs, and he finally stood up when the door to his room opened...

And his heart skipped a beat.

Standing in the doorway was Y/n, her eyes swollen from tears and her wrist in a temporary bandage. Cuts and bruises littered her visible skin, and she dropped her cloak to the floor as she rushed over, flinging herself into her husband's arms. Levi fell backward onto the sofa, his eyes wide with surprise as the woman nuzzled her face into his neck and chest, unable to get enough of him. A strangled breath left her as she pressed a lingering kiss to his lips, and he returned it. His hands roamed her back, gently taking off her brown jacket and examining her broken wrist.

"Y/n," he said quietly, looking up at her as she straddled his legs, hugging him with her free arm. "What happened?"

"I went to rescue Lorena Engel and fractured my wrist in the process," she said softly, sitting up and wiping her eyes as she attempted to look him in the face. "She was grabbed by a titan and I went to slice at the wrong angle... it was purely an accident."

"I'm glad to see that other than that, you're okay," he said, a small, strained smile on his lips. It wasn't that he wasn't happy to see her. In fact, he was completely overjoyed to see his wife again. It was just... really difficult to smile at that point in time, and thankfully, she understood. Then, he wrapped his arms around her waist once more and held her tightly, his face against her chest as he listened to her racing heartbeat. Tears began to escape again, and when she noticed, she planted soft kisses across his head, her hands running through his hair just as he liked. "God, I missed you so fucking much."

"I missed you too," she answered, the goosebumps that'd prickled on her body due to the cold eventually disappearing. The dim candlelight in the room was barely exuding any heat, but the warmth from her husband was enough. Just Levi being there, safe and sound, was enough.

After a while, Levi's voice entered the silent room.

"Did everyone in your squad make it?" he asked, and it took a few moments for Y/n to reply.

"Everyone except Marcus Karsten" she whispered, choking slightly. "He... lost his life a week ago. What about... you?"

"Everyone made it," Levi answered, gently rubbing her back comfortingly. He wasn't best with words, so he made sure to make up for it with actions. She seemed to like that, anyway. "I'm... thankful for that."

"Yeah, that's good," Y/n said, a genuine smile on her lips. She was grateful his squad had no fatalities. They were a good bunch of kids, and she got along with most of them. "Levi, why is there a bandage on your head?

"Little accident," he answered, amused that she was worried about the little things. His injuries didn't matter to him, but to her they were incredibly important. "I misjudged where I was going and banged my head, but it's okay."

"It better be," she chuckled quietly, even the tiniest bit of laughter meaning the world to him. He hadn't heard it in so long that he hadn't realised how desperate he was for it. "Now, I can see those little eyebags creeping onto your face. You've barely slept."

"So?" he muttered, burying his face further into her chest. "What about it?"

"God, your stubborn," she sighed, ruffling his hair. "Now that I'm here, will you try your best to fall asleep?"

"But you've only just arrived-"

"So?" Y/n answered, teasing him and brushing his forehead with her thumb. She then planted another yet smaller kiss onto his lips, one Levi tried to push further into but was denied. "You'll be seeing me all day tomorrow. Just a couple hours rest won't do any harm."

Levi knew there was no winning against his wife. She was incredibly persistent when she wanted to be, so he sighed in annoyance before falling onto his back, lying on the sofa. She lay on top of him, his arms tight around her body as she snuggled into his shoulder. A tiny sigh of relief left his lungs and he took a deep breath in, filling his nose with her scent (and the unfortunate smell of dirt and blood, but he didn't care).

As happy as he could get, Levi eventually fell asleep, holding his dearly beloved in his arms.

[imaginaryelle]

I just re-watched THAT scene and a thought hit me: Lan Wangji just stands there watching Wei Wuxian fall from the cliff... Why doesn't he jump onto his sword and swoops down to at least try to save him? Or is he all out of spiritual power? Or does it simply take to long to start and rev the sword? Not saying it's a plothole, I was just wondering...

I mean, I think this is a fair question and I know I’ve seen it discussed elsewhere. I just can’t seem to find the post or remember if any conclusions were reached, so I’m excited to dive into this. As always if anyone has insights or headcanons they want to add on to this, please do.

Because I like pictures, here’s ep 33 Lan Wangji holding his sword and staring in horror as Wei Wuxian falls (what is Jiang Cheng thinking? Who knows.) 

Why isn’t Lan Wangji doing anything? He just stands there for long enough that Jiang Cheng backs away and leaves him on the outcropping, all alone.

Poor guy.

Okay, moving on. I think there are at least two ways to approach this, and one is from the production perspective (since this cliff encounter is a thing that only happens in the drama) and the other is from the in-universe perspective (aka, Doyalist vs Watsonian), so I’m going to look at both.

For the production pov, there’s really only one scene (I think) where we see anyone actually riding a sword in the drama, and it’s when they’re confronting the water demon/abyss in Caiyi (ep 5). At that point there’s no prep time, everyone just jumps up and then steps onto their swords (which is actually even more ridiculous to me than the image had already been in the novel because I thought they were at least riding on the scabbard but no! Riding the bare blade like a skateboard. I love it.)

How majestic.

Lan Xichen is the only graceful and cool person here. The only other sword-riding shot in this scene that shows more of a person’s body than their head and shoulders is when Lan Wangji drags three people into the air at once and we get a brief glimpse of Su She’s feet kicking wildly.

So, based on this scene’s execution and the general scarcity of other sword-flying scenes (even with the Nightless City confrontation, Lan Wangji just flies in with his quqin, no sword under his feet), my out-of-universe theory would be a combination of budget and aesthetic at play. If the production can get by on wire work with super extra long jumps that don’t seem to require actually riding the sword, they will. It’s logistically simpler, and it frankly looks better on screen. It’s also a staple of the entire film genre, whereas this sword thing is not, so the crew and effects people would have more experience with it as well. (In-universe I have a lot of questions about Wei Wuxian’s retained ability to do those jumps. Do they not use spiritual energy? Does he still have spiritual energy, just not a golden core? Is he using resentful energy instead? How does this work?)

From a more story-side view on the production, they’re working against the fact that they changed the plot to add Lan Wangji’s presence at Wei Wuxian’s death and they want to capitalize on that relationship, so having Wei Wuxian knock himself over the edge as he destroys the seal (or something where he steps back as Jiang Cheng rushes him or any other number of possibilities) no longer fits with the emotional beats they’re trying to hit. Also they really need Wei Wuxian to die here for the plot to function. Having Lan Wangji mount a sword and swoop down to try and save him again just adds extra complications and delays the desired outcome of WWX = dead and LWJ = distraught. In that sense, it really does start to look like a plot hole, because it feels like they’re ignoring the capabilities of a character in order to get the result they need. I do think they try to address this, but since multiple people have this question and I personally had to watch the scene more than once while actively thinking about it to notice all the relevant details… the efficacy of those efforts is maybe questionable. (Also like.. why does Jiang Cheng wait three days to go look for Wei Wuxian’s remains? Why is anyone waiting at all? Why is anyone surprised they can’t find a corpse when the visual we get implies Wei Wuxian is falling into lava? There are many, many questions that can be asked here and for a lot of them the out-of-universe answer is probably going to resemble “because the plot/original source material demands it” without much helpful in-universe support.)

In-universe (and probably more pertinent to your question), yeah, Lan Wangji could be low on spiritual power (and upon rewatch, I think he genuinely is). He could be physically exhausted as well as injured, too. For someone who carried three people in two hands 2-3 years ago and canonically has only gotten stronger since, he sure is having trouble pulling one person up over the side of a cliff. And that exhaustion really isn’t outside the realm of possibility, no matter how strong and powerful he is. He just traveled pretty far! If the theories that he found A-Yuan before coming to Nightless City are true (since he’s not injured in those flashbacks), he likely spent a ton of spiritual power even before getting into this battle where he first confronted Wei Wuxian and then started fighting pretty much everyone on the field by himself. Then, in a moment of fear-induced distraction, he gets injured! He’s actively bleeding! So yeah. He could definitely just be physically exhausted.

All that blood loss is not a good sign, and it actually speeds up (visually) as he expends this effort. We can see his arm trembling all throughout this scene, and then his grip slips (thus the face). Even after that he slips again, not losing his grip, but losing the strength to hold himself up at all. In the end he’s literally just lying on the rock depending on gravity to keep him in place and putting everything else he has into holding on to Wei Wuxian. He can’t do more than glare in Jiang Cheng’s general direction and tell him to stop.

Bichen is right there. If he had spiritual power left, I think he’d probably be sending his sword out to block Jiang Cheng’s angle of attack. That, or he needs two hands to accomplish such an action (It doesn’t require hand motions later/in the future, but maybe he develops that skill precisely because of these events). So yes. He’s physically exhausted. He’s spiritually exhausted. But I think there’s more going on here, too: He’s also at the end of his rope emotionally, and that’s how he ends up standing there, horrified and unmoving.

He’s had a rough time recently: Everyone hates his best and only friend/love of his life, and he has to listen to them call for his death/judgement at fancy dinner party meetings on and off for over a year. No one will listen to him when he tries to present a different view. Even his own brother is (not unreasonably) much more concerned about Lan Wangji’s personal safety than what his silence on this issue is costing him emotionally, and his uncle is distinctly unsupportive of the friendship from the beginning.

I think Lan Wangji spends a lot of time questioning his upbringing in those months (we see him actually verbally do so when he’s punished after Wei Wuxian’s death, but I think it starts well before that). What is right and wrong? Who decides it, and how? When does justice and holding people responsible for their actions turn over into unjust persecution? What is true, and what is a lie, and how much does that matter when weighed against social/political/spiritual harmony? These are concepts that are buried pretty deeply in the Lan Sect’s teachings but the world is twisting all of them before his eyes, and I have to think that takes a toll on him. Additionally, just as things start looking up (they let him write the letter to invite Wei Wuxian to Jin Ling’s celebration! They listen to him, other people support his idea!), he has to deal with the facts that:

1) His best friend who he’s in love with just killed a bunch of people, including Jin ZiXuan and some of Lan Wangji’s own Sect brothers.

2) Wei Wuxian is clearly losing control of his resentment-based cultivation path, and is thus personally in danger on a spiritual level, and

3) Everyone now wants to kill Wei Wuxian again, possibly even more than they did before, and anyone who supports Wei Wuxian is an enemy of the entire cultivation world.

Later in the series, Lan Wangji says he regrets that he wasn’t at Wei Wuxian’s side at Nightless City. That he didn’t support him, despite what we see of him trying to help Wei Wuxian find Jiang Yanli and then, after she dies, stop him from killing himself. To me, this could very easily imply that Lan Wangji is still trying to walk a tightrope in those scenes, or perhaps trying to be a bridge. He’s deliberately not choosing a distinct side, because he refuses to hate and reject Wei Wuxian, but he’s also refusing to declare open support. He’s acting entirely on his own, in a balancing act between friendship and love vs his family, his entire life’s teachings, and all of his society. Certainly I find that sort of situation exhausting, and I’ve never had to do it for something so high-stakes or large-scale.

Then there’s the actual cliff scene itself, where he’s visibly desperate. How intense does an emotion have to be for Lan Wangji to so clearly show it?

Wei Ying, he says, come back. He knows Wei Wuxian is breaking down. He at the very least guesses that he’s going to do something wild like step off that outcropping, which is why he follows him in the first place. But he has no idea what to do, so he tries the same thing he’s been trying for years: Come with me. Let me help you. This is a bridge, and he’s offering to help Wei Wuxian cross it. But just like every other time he’s tried it since the Sunshot Campaign ended, it doesn’t work.

Note that Lan Wangji actually is flying here, without the sword, so if he doesn’t have any spiritual power when Jiang Cheng shows up, this is probably a last, desperate burst to go with this last, desperate act.

I don’t think he really has a plan here. Not a new one, anyway. This is a still a plea of Let me help you. And, notably, Wei Wuxian doesn’t accept his help.

Not once during this whole scene does Wei Wuxian reach up with his free hand or try to help Lan Wangji help him in any way. He smiles, and he says: Lan Zhan, let me go. Because he doesn’t want a bridge. He doesn’t want to go back. Honestly it’s a pretty explicit and heartbreaking message: Lan Wangji’s offer of help is not enough to make Wei Wuxian want to stay alive. Not right now. He needs more than that. He’s lost too much to believe, right now, that anyone is going to choose him and his side, or that he’s worth that effort. And to be clear, Lan Wangji isn’t even offering that in this situation. Wei Wuxian is one slippery handgrip away from death, and Lan Wangji is still not saying “You, I choose you.” From anything Wei Wuxian can be expected to infer, his offer here is no different than it’s ever been: let me show you the way back to the right path. Let me help you fit back into the world the way you used to. And Wei Wuxian can’t do that; he has no golden core, it’s literally impossible even if the rest of the world would let him try. But at this point he doesn’t want to go back either. He doesn’t even want to try. That world hates him, and willfully misunderstands him, and has taken too many people from him now for it to be worth staying in. He wants to die.

And then Jiang Cheng arrives.

Wei Wuxian’s reaction to his brother’s presence is to smile, say his name, and just–accept his hatred. He closes his eyes and waits for the sword to fall even as Lan Wangji calls for Jiang Cheng to stop. The only time he shows distress between stepping back off the cliff and his actual death is when Jiang Cheng twists his sword and compromises the stability of the outcropping so that Lan Wangji is also in danger.

I think it’s possible that if Jiang Cheng had also reached for him and tried to pull him back up, things might have gone differently. Maybe that would have been enough to alter Wei Wuxian’s thinking. But as it is, when Wei Wuxian falls, he falls with his limbs relaxed and a smile on his face. There’s no flailing and screaming like when he was thrown into the Burial Mounds (in ep 33. There’s some arm-waving in ep 1). And I think that moment of him pushing Lan Wangji back and then letting go, more than anything, is what stops Lan Wangji in his tracks, because Wei Wuxian could have saved himself. He had strength and energy left. Enough to push Lan Wangji up and back and nearly to a standing position. He could have accepted Lan Wangji’s help, easily. But he didn’t, because he wanted to die, despite all the effort and inner turmoil Lan Wangji has gone through on his behalf (most of which Wei Wuxian doesn’t know about but, still).

That’s a pretty serious emotional kick in the head. Lan Wangji cannot ignore, at this point, that even if he did have any physical or spiritual energy left, Wei Wuxian doesn’t want to be saved. And that’s when we get this face (actually from ep 1):

He has nothing left. He has at this point spent over a year, maybe two, trying to save someone who, when it came down to the final moment, didn’t want to be saved. There’s nothing more he can do, in this state of exhaustion and despair, and it wouldn’t matter if he tried.

Personally, I think he looks like he’s about to be sick, and I don’t think it’s just the image of Wei Wuxian falling and dying that’s working on him here. It’s also the knowledge that he fucked up. He didn’t do enough, or more accurately, didn’t do the right things, in order to encourage Wei Wuxian to keep fighting for himself or anyone else (I’m not saying this is a healthy or reasonable thought, I just think it’s a thought he’s having). And I think this realization plays directly into how he treats Wei Wuxian when he comes back sixteen years later. He knows that questioning Wei Wuxian on his path of cultivation doesn’t go where he wants it to, so he doesn’t do it. This time is going to be different. He’ll break rules. He’ll drink alcohol. He doesn’t scold Wei Wuxian for making dumb, selfless decisions like transferring the curse mark from Jin Ling’s leg to his own, he just accepts it and expresses concern over Wei Wuxian’s well being. He stops asking if he can help and starts just doing it: Wei Wuxian can’t walk so he’ll carry him. Wei Wuxian needs someone to speak for him, so Lan Wangji will do that, with his brother and with the whole cultivation world. And then we come to this:

This is exactly the same move. Wei Wuxian will protect Lan Wangji, but not himself.

But.

Lan Wangji is no longer trying to be a bridge. He’s not going to hold out his hand for Wei Wuxian to accept or disregard. He’s crossed over to be on Wei Wuxian’s side. And that’s what makes the difference.

[evandearest]

The Garden of Eden | Part II: Reflection

Pairing: James March x reader (you) |  ~Part: (2/4)~

Summary (Part Two): When memories are all that clouds your vision, how do you begin to break cycles and live in the present? Can you overcome your irrational fear when paradise is only a memory of long ago? Living through hell can make or break you.

Warnings (in this part): Slight PTSD, that’s all I would say.

Word count: 3,586

Notes: I’m so excited to be posting this! This part is quite a bit longer than the last one. I absolutely loved writing it though! Be on the lookout for many metaphors, biblical references, and *reflective* events. This part is complex in many ways, and a lot of things tie into one another. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it!!

Also a side note, if you’d like to be on the tag list for this series just let me know!

Tag List: @etoile-writings @haileyybird @ietss

An odd feeling settled upon you as rays of sunlight blinded your eyes. Something wasn’t right. You couldn’t exactly pin it down, but all you knew was that you felt calm. Calm was not a part of you, as much as you portrayed to others that it was. Spending nearly ten years with a man you didn’t trust could do that to you.

The bed underneath you was soft, the scent in the air surrounding you lavender. You wondered for a moment where you were, your heart jumping as your eyes glanced around you frantically. That’s when you remembered: you were in James’ hotel. James’.

Your nerves lessened when you thought about James, a small smile curling your lips. As soon as you had arrived at the hotel, he insisted that you get a room to yourself to get the best rest possible. He’d even sent his maid to give you a basket of everything lavender to help you sleep: candles, essential oils, soap. He practically spoiled you the minute you arrived. You couldn’t deny how good it felt, though. You felt like a queen.

You sat up in bed, wondering where the man pervading your thoughts was. You glanced at your side table, noticing the vase of white roses immediately. When had those gotten there? The tiny card leaning against the vase caught your attention in particular. You reached for it and opened it. The small note was in James’ neat handwriting, reading:

“Good morning, darling. Gather yourself and meet me in the lounge. I do hope my accommodations suited you. Yours truly, JPM.”

You smiled, your curiosity spiraling at the thought of what he had planned for you. You quickly jumped out of the bed, going to the bathroom to get ready. You noticed immediately of all the things in this bathroom that weren’t normally in hotel bathrooms. There were tons of beauty items for women that most men don’t even know exist. You knew it was James. He was so thoughtful, giving you anything you could possibly need and more. James had taken the time to be sure you had everything. Your heart fluttered at the thought, excitement settling within you. James really did have everything, and now you had James. You knew it was going to take a long while before you were used to this luxurious treatment, but you weren’t complaining. You’d dreamed of living this kind of life since you were merely a child.

Once you had showered, gotten dressed, and did your hair and makeup, you were ready. You smiled at your reflection. James had picked the most fashionable clothing to put in your closet, and you simply loved having a reason to dress up in general. But it wasn’t even about you, in reality. You wanted James to see how much you appreciated everything he was doing, so you were going to make sure that you put all he gave you to use. It was all for James. You were going to spend every second doing as much as you could for him. He had saved you, after all. You couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if James hadn’t arrived when he did. That was the worst argument that you and Robert had ever had.

You scolded yourself for thinking of Robert. You needed to focus on now, on the new life you were beginning. You couldn’t just shake it off, though. You still felt the need to be vigilant, to walk on egg shells. You sighed. You didn’t want to be in a bad mood today, of all days. James needed to see how much you appreciated and cared for him. You took a deep breath. Just focus on now, you told yourself, before taking one last look at your reflection.

When you entered the lobby, you were surprised to be greeted immediately by James’ maid, Miss Evers.

“Right this way, Ms. Y/L/N,” the woman smiled, gesturing with her arm for you to follow. She made her way up the stairs, you following behind curiously. It was as if she was escorting you somewhere. Your questions weren’t left unanswered for long, however, as you found your answer at the top of the stairs.

The entire bar was empty, which seemed odd compared to it’s usually bustling atmosphere. The dining area was decorated to the brim with white roses, all surrounding a table in which had plates full of fruit, pancakes, eggs, and many other breakfast foods. You gasped quietly at the extravagance as your eyes landed on James, who stood in front of it all, hands clasped together politely as he awaited you. He smiled at the sight of you.

“Hello, darling,” he greeted, walking over and offering an arm to you. You stared at him in disbelief for a moment, a wave of déjà vu coursing through you. 

You remember you were so excited. Los Angeles was a gorgeous city in it’s own, and you felt so lucky to have been born in a city in which held so much opportunity. You were merely fourteen; barely old enough to even think for yourself, but you’d always been smart. Your mother had assured you of that since you were born, always putting your education above all else. She’d told you, “One day when all the distractions of young age are gone, you’ll realize why you need to be prepared.” You hadn’t understood why then, but the words had always stuck with you. It was one of the first times that she had trusted you on your own. Most of the time, she had always put her fear for your safety first, but on that day she had given in to your pleas.

She had let you walk to the garden of white roses, three blocks down, by yourself. When you thought about it now, you realized just how defining that moment of your life was, because what happened when you got to that garden had changed your life forever.

White roses had always been your favorite flower, ever since you had first passed that blooming Southern California garden at three years old. The owner was a tiny sweet elder lady, gracious and elegant as ever. She had owned the garden her entire life; it was her pride and joy. She’d always welcomed polite visitors, and if she caught you, she’d tell you all about the flowers, and how special they were. She said that they had brought to her all of the pleasantries that her life held; love, wealth, and even an eternal feeling of youth. That’s why she never picked or sold them, she said; “if you betray the rose, the rose no longer profits you.” Some people said that she was a witch; you just thought she was sweet, maybe a little kooky, but nice nonetheless. You had grown to look up to her.

When you had arrived at the rose garden on that day, however, you were greeted with a new presence foreign to you. The boy stood as still as a statue, his eyes raking over his surroundings. Based upon his height and physical appearance, you had assumed that he was about the same age as you. You watched him as he picked a rose from the bush, bringing it up to his nose to smell. You approached him quietly.

“If Mrs. Smith knew you picked one of her flowers, she’d claim treason,” you said, catching the boy’s attention. He looked at you in bewilderment.

“Where did you come from?” he asked quietly. “I didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sneaky,” you said jokingly with a teasing smile. He blinked, his confusion still evident. “But seriously,” you continued, “you better hope she doesn’t see you. She doesn’t like people who disturb her flowers. In fact, she’d probably curse you.” At that, the boy smirked.

“Is she a witch?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.

“Some people think so,” you replied, walking closer to him. “If you ask me, I think people should listen to her. She’s very intelligent.” You nudged his side, watching him to gouge his reaction. He raised his eyebrows, watching you carefully.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, for one, she’s ancient. That gives her some credits. For another, she grew this garden, and she’s experienced much more than most people. You should hear her stories.” You smiled as you plucked the rose from the boy’s hand and twirled it between your fingers, admiring it.

“She sounds fascinating.”

“She is.” After a moment of silence, you looked up at him, only to catch his eyes. You smiled shyly, tucking your hair behind your ear.

“James March,” the boy said, offering his hand to you.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N,” you introduced yourself in return, smiling up at him.

There was another moment of silence, the both of you just staring at one another. James suddenly took the rose from you again. He pulled a knife from his pocket, your heart stuttering slightly at the sight of it. But James didn’t try to harm you, he simply chopped the stem of the rose off. His hand came up to your face as you smiled nervously at him.

“I think your wrong,” he said, tucking the rose in your hair behind your ear. He stepped back, smiling softly at you. “See? Sometimes even dying flowers can serve a beautiful purpose. It’s a sacrifice. Sacrifices aren’t evil.” You paused, a shy blush forming on your cheeks at his actions.

“I never thought of it that way,” you whispered, reaching up to tuck the rose more firmly behind your ear. You smiled at James, a weird feeling you’d never felt before settling upon you. His simple action and thoughtful words had made you excited in a way you’d never known. It had created a spark; a strong urge inside of you that was almost indescribable. And as you looked in his eyes, you wanted nothing more than to relive that feeling over and over again. You swore you’d never let him go.

Suddenly, you were looking at his face again, but this time much older.

“Darling, are you alright?” James asked, and you blinked quickly, your focus shifting present.

“Yes,” you said, your eyebrows furrowing slightly as you realized just how deep into the memory you had been. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s quite alright, dear,” he said, studying you. “Are you sure you feel pleasant? You were quite far gone, I called your name several times. Did you rest well?”

“Yes, of course,” you said quickly, reaching out to clasp his hand tightly as you smiled reassuringly. “I promise. You just surprised me, is all.” James nodded, seeming fairly convinced, before smiling and gesturing towards the table.

“Alright darling, well why don’t you sit and eat something. A proper meal should do just the trick.” You smiled and nodded back at him, moving to sit in your chair that he pulled out for you. Once you were situated, James moved to sit across from you at the other end of the table.

“I wasn’t sure what you enjoyed most, so I instructed Miss Evers to make several morning dishes,” he said, grinning at you. “I hope it’s suiting for you.”

“Of course,” you said, placing a few items on your plate. A few minutes passed as you ate, your mind drifting back to last night’s events in the silence.

“Are you happy, my love?” James suddenly asked, snapping you out of your thoughts once again.

“Yes,” you replied quickly, smiling at him sincerely, “yes of course!” You could tell from the look of concern still on James’ face that he wasn’t convinced. You sighed, deciding to just be honest with him. “I just... it’s difficult to process how my life just changed.” You paused, watching James closely for a reaction. He stared, waiting for you to elaborate, his eyebrows furrowed in concern. “I’ve been alone for so long, living a horrible, unhappy life. I’m happy now, with you, but I can’t just turn that feeling off, that feeling that this moment is fleeting. It-- it terrifies me...” You trailed off, your mind wondering as you stared at the roses around you. The roses that James decided to decorate your breakfast with. The roses that had ultimately brought you together in the first place. The roses that James kept bringing around for you. Your roses. You turned your attention back to James, your eyes meeting his.

“These flowers, why did you pick them?” you asked him seriously. A look of confusion clouded James’ expression.

“Well,” James started, “I suppose they have some semblance to us, darling... these were the very flowers--”

“Of course, I remember...” you trailed off, thinking of what to say next. “But really, there has to be more to it...” It came out as more of a question than a statement. You just didn’t understand why he was bringing up all of these memories.

“Of course, dear,” James said, sighing. He looked you in the eyes, and you could see the sincerity there. “I knew you wouldn’t recover in a day, a week, a month, even a year...” he paused, his eyes downcast at the tablecloth. “I just hoped that by reminding you of what we can be once again will help you settle. My only wish is to make you happy...” he paused again, his eyes shifting back up to meet yours. This time you were met with certainty. “I want to take us back to that time. To that garden. To when we flourished the most even if the rest of the world was, well...”

“Hell. The rest of the world was hell,” you finished for him, your eyes teary at his sweet sentiment. James, however, faltered slightly at your words. You paused, taking note of the way he cringed at the mention of hell, before you reached to grab his hand, squeezing it tightly, lovingly. “Thank you James.” Your voice held so much emotion, and at that, James stood before walking over to you and pulling you out of your chair and into his embrace.

“Darling,” James whispered into your hair. You hummed in response, burying your face into his chest, breathing in his manly scent. You clasped onto him tightly. “Whatever may happen, I promise I will never let you slip from my grasp ever again... you shall never be afraid again. I would give everything away just for your happiness. You inform me and I will have it done for you, whatever you may need.” It was a firm promise, and you knew he meant it. James didn’t make empty promises. Your chest felt as if it might explode with love and adoration for this man. He really did want to give you the world. He really was your heaven... your God.

-♥-

After you had finished breakfast, James had insisted that he take you on a tour of the Cortez, and you weren’t going to turn him down. It was his pride and joy, and regardless, it was the most gorgeous place you had ever stepped foot into. You were nearly finished, with only two more floors to explore, when James started acting strange.

“James, what’s wrong?” you asked, placing your hand on his arm. He grimaced before looking at you nervously.

“Well, you see...” he trailed off for a moment, his voice hesitant. You began to get concerned. “These floors are still under slight renovation...” You giggled at his words.

“James,” you said sweetly, “it’s okay, I’m not afraid of a little dirt.”

“Well, no, that’s-”

“I’m serious,” you interrupted, giggling once again. The elevator dinged as you reached your destination. You smiled before taking his hand and leading him out. He sighed, still looking standoffish.

James had been telling the truth; there was a particular section of the hallway in which there was a wall being built, but it was small. You didn’t understand what he was so nervous about.

Suddenly, a loud shout rang out through the hallway, causing both you and James to flinch in surprise. There was a sound of commotion and James quickly walked towards the scene; you following closely behind him.

“What’s the issue?” James demanded someone standing at the back of the gathering crowd of men. There was a sound of someone groaning in pain. You stood at a distance away, more interested in the small white rose twirling between your fingers.

“One of the construction workers collapsed, sir,” the man informed him. At this point you’d lost interest, zoning in on the pretty rose in your hands. James barked a few orders at the men, but you weren’t really paying attention.

You looked up as James returned to you.

“I apologize for the interruption,” James said, obviously irritated.

“What’s the problem?” you asked, confused.

He paused, looking at you softly, “I thought that may have worried you.”

“Men get hurt all the time,” you said passively.

“Of course...” James trailed off, looking slightly confused, which made you confused. What did you do? Were you supposed to be worried? You brushed it off, smiling at him expectantly.

“Ready to continue with the tour?” you asked him, turning your back on him. You began walking back down the hall, glancing behind to see James following you. You rounded the corner, only to run into someone unexpectedly.

You stumbled backwards, nearly tripping. Luckily James stabled you before you hit the ground. You looked up, your eyes landing on a beautiful blonde woman. You paused, studying her, before a realization dawned upon you. You’d seen this woman before.

You remember her distinctly, for she was the person who had ultimately made you lose all hope. James’ wife, Elizabeth. You’d seen her all that time ago when you had first tried to escape your husband. She’s the woman that had made you believe James didn’t love you anymore.

When James had come back for you, you’d assumed that his relationship with her had failed. So why was she here?

“Why, hello,” the woman said, glancing between you and James, a weird grin on her face. She looked at James. “And who might this lovely lady be?”

You turned to look at James, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. James’ jaw was clenched as he stared at Elizabeth, and right there and then you knew he didn’t like her.

“It’s okay, James,” she purred, her smirk never leaving. “I’m not offended. We both knew it was never going to work.” She turned to you. “You must be Y/N. I’m Countess Elizabeth.” She offered a hand to you, and you took it gracefully. James was disturbingly quiet beside you. You decided to take the ropes.

“Yes, that’s correct,” you replied smoothly.

“What’s all the commotion down the hall?” Elizabeth asked curiously. You could tell that she had some kind of ulterior motive, otherwise she would have moved on.

“Nothing important,” you replied nonchalantly. It was the truth. You didn’t feel the need to be competitive with this woman anymore; you knew who James stood by, and you trusted him. You turned to him, intertwining your arms together. “James here was just giving me a tour. I hope you don’t mind?” You smiled politely at Elizabeth. She paused, her expression one of slight surprise. It seemed to be a strange look on her.

“Of course not,” she said through tight lips. “You two have fun.” You smiled at her kindly once more, before you and James continued on, arm in arm.

Once in private in the elevator, James turned to you.

“I have to say,” James said, smiling at you, “you handled that well. You do know that Elizabeth was... shall I say, challenging you?”

“I know,” you said, smiling at him reassuringly. “But that’s the thing: she was the one challenging me. Obviously she thought she had something to fight for. I know what’s mine.” James expression morphed into one of surprise, and then pride.

“Of course you do, dear,” he said, smiling down at you. He leaned in, his lips meeting yours in a passionate kiss. The kiss was loving and at the same time slightly rough. You loved how James could make you feel like this; so powerful. After a heated moment, he pulled away.

“Darling, despite your present confidence in the matter,” he began, “I’d like you to know that regardless of Elizabeth and I’s history, she will never compare to your glamour. You truly are a revelation like no other.”

You smiled once more at his words, thinking back to that day in the garden once more, and to your mother’s words. The feeling you had now was a reflection of the feeling you had then. He’d always made you feel so incredibly self-assured. You felt like no matter what happened to you and James, nothing could break you at this point and time. And your mother had been right: gaining the knowledge was important.

Now that you’d ate the fruit of the garden and survived hell, what could possibly stop you?

You felt invincible, so long as he was by your side. You no longer feared the past or the future; you were completely centered present, all cycles broken. And it had took James less than a day to make you feel this way. Your excitement soared as you thought about your future with James. You knew that so long as you had him, you were unstoppable together. You were gods.

You didn’t need the garden, after all. Paradise lost stood no match to you, because with James, you could survive anything.

---

Series Masterlist: The Garden of Eden Series

Main Masterlist

[ihonestlydunno]

Hello, My lovely! May I request general yandere headcanons for Teruteru, Kazuichi, and Nagito? Thank you so much! Have a great day/night! ~Mod Maki

hello and thank you for requesting! these were a ton of fun for me to write, so I hope you’ll enjoy these yandere headcanons! i know I haven’t posted in a while but school has been making it somewhat difficult for me to, so i chose to write these to get back into the swing of things! i’m also working on a yandere! shuichi x kaede which should be out soon, but until then, please enjoy these!!

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teruteru hanamura

» he's a delusional & wrong idea type of yandere 

» from the moment teruteru met you, he instantly fell madly in love and he believed that the two of you were completely meant to be together. he makes the delusion that you are both soulmates, even if you don't know it yet, and every little thing you do proves that you love him just as much as he loves you.

» every smile you send his way, every time you laugh at one of his jokes, every gift you ever give him just shows that you care. he keeps every single thing you've ever given him, whether it be an object or a memory, he holds on to every moment he has with you. the slight thought of you makes his infatuation with you grow and despite your flaws and insecurities, he thinks you're the most graceful and perfect being he's ever met

» he's possessive of you and worries about who you're with and what you do. he would only kill someone if he thought they would threaten your life or your relationship with him, but that doesn't mean he won't send someone death threats or poison their food...

» you mean everything to teruteru and he just wants to keep you safe and happy. you can understand that... right?

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kazuichi soda

» kazuichi is a dependence & stalker type of yandere

» kazuichi is completely reliant on you; you are his everything. he can't stand not being around you and he reminds you every moment he sees you that you are the reason he lives and you inspire him to do all the things he does for you.

» of course, kazuichi knows that the two of you can't always be together. he understands that you have your own life and friends, but he can't stand not seeing your face and making sure you're safe, so he came up with a plan to make both of you happy: he lets you go out with whoever you'd like and trusts you to do the things you tell him you plan on doing, and he'll secretly follow you to make sure you didn't lie to him. he does feel slightly guilty for being overly cautious and worrying that you aren't loyal to him, but he's just looking out for your safety!

» no matter what, kazuichi would never hurt you! he would also never do anything to make you uncomfortable and he always asks for consent before doing something that he fears might upset you. he wants you to be happy with him and love him without being forced to, but he won't hesitate to change his mind if someone thinks about taking you away from him.

» you're his entire world and he can't live without you. he follows you to keep you safe and look out for you, so if someone else threatened to take you away from him, you'd forgive him for going to extreme measures... wouldn't you?

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nagito komaeda

» nagito is the worship & monopoly type of yandere

» he finds everything about you to be perfect and will spend hours reassuring you of how flawless you are, even if you mess up or embarrass yourself. you're the only thing that matters to him and he puts you on the highest pedestal he can, making you out to be a perfect idol despite your mistakes. he promises to do everything for you, anything you ask at all if it'll mean you'll stay with him forever and love him just like he adores you. 

» nagito is always suspicious of who you spend time with, he just wants you to be around people that won't hurt you! it's not that you can't have friends, he'd just rather know who it is that you like to be around and if they deserve to spend time with the god/goddess/deity he idolizes you to be. nagito can read right through you and he knows exactly when you're lying to him, just proving, at least in his eyes, that you're meant to be together. he knows everything about you and how to make you happy that not a single person could ever compare to him, so why do you want to spend time with other people when you could be with him all the time?

» nagito knows every single little thing about you, from your friends and family to your interests to something that happened several years ago that you most likely forgot. when it comes to you, he knows every single little detail. you don't know much about him though. he doesn't say much about himself and he thinks he's unworthy of receiving pity or interest from you, despite how avid he is to receive it. nagito wants you to protect and love him just as he does to you, but he finds himself to be merely nothing while you are completely everything, so he avoids opening up to you. if you asked, he might let something slip, but he tends to focus on you and your perfections. 

» you'd have such a perfect life with nagito that he finds no point in you wanting to leave him. he would give you everything and anything just for the small price of you staying with him. you'd have such a perfect life and he'd worship you forever... how could you ever refuse?

[camilieroart]

Testimony of a French person during the pandemic.

I’m the french person. This testimony is featuring my school’s pressure and a lowering mental state.

I have been quarantined at home since March 2020. I have gone out maximum 20 times, always being really careful. For me and others.

I have a constant source of informations on what is going on in France and the world, and this causes a big flow of anxiety. I spent the entire summer vacation in my house, working on my project and being really productive. I didn’t see anyone, didn’t go anywhere. Just me, my parents and our two cats.

My classmates, however, aren’t as worried nor careful as me, and most importantly not as informed or free to act as they wish. So, they have gone out, and been to beaches and seen people, like the government said. Because yes, as soon as the summer vacation started, the French government declared that the virus was gone and that everyone had to go out and pay for stuffs, and spend money, to “keep the economy rolling”. Of course the Covid was still there.

As the start of the school year was closing in and that people in France had been getting sicker and sicker due to the craziness of the summer holiday, we thought that they would cancel, or at least push back the day. But no.

Around that time, I had also lost my uncle and my grand-mother (not due to the coronavirus), and the pressure of staying home this long, and having constant awful news about outside and how there wasn’t a glimpse of hope was having terrible effect to my mental state.

As back to school day arrived, we had made the decision to not send me back, although the government had said it was “mandatory”. However, I have worked hard all my life to get a diploma and go to a good college and have a degree, and I wasn’t giving up yet. So, we lied. Well, not really. We said we had to bury my grandmother and it was true. So I didn’t come the first week. The second, I catched a cold, and couldn’t make it due to the coughing. The third, I had a stomach ache...

My mother hates lying. She loathes it. It was incredibly hard for her to do so. But she did because if I went, I would probably kill my other grandma and maybe kill my parents. And have scars for life. And contaminate strangers.

What about my classmates, you ask ? They all went. I was the only one, of my whole class, to not have gone back. And boy, was I glad I did. I kept talking to my friends, and I heard how the teachers didn’t respect the safety distances nor put the masks correctly. I heard how in the cafeteria they were all sitting at the same table, pressed against eachothers without a mask. At that time, I already had heard horrible things and how poorly it was handled.

One week, as she had one of the CPE (head of the supervisors) on the phone, my mom had the first breakdown I have seen her have in years. She started crying and explained everything. She cried, and argumented and I was so shocked to see her like this. The truth was out ! I didn’t go to school because the safety stuffs the government put in place was bullshit.

We expected me to be kicked out in the following minutes. But, they couldn’t. I had been giving back all the homeworks and assignments I could, showing I wasn’t quitting. So, they couldn’t kick me out for being a quitter, and they couldn’t kick me out for trying to keep myself, my family and them safe. So they didn’t. Instead, they tried to push me into resigning.

At that point, it had been 5 months since I had really gotten out for something else than groceries. I hadn’t seen anyone, friends or even acquaintances for months. The school and news had been horribly stressing me out, and I had my first breakdown. Around a day after, we had a call from the school’s nurse. She asked me if I was okay, how I was doing, if I was sick... And that I should really go back to school. It’s senior year after all. I told her I heard they handled it badly. She called nonsense and stupid rumors, telling me lies that I immediatly understood were lies, selling bullshit and trying to force me to come back. I was very polite, made her understand that I would be trying if the situation got better, and hung up. It took us a minute to understand that she was trying to get evidence of me being kept home against my will and called social services. She didn’t call for my health at all. Thankfully, I handled it very well and we never heard back from her.

Not long after that incident, I heard of something that happened in my school that made me mad beyond understanding. Since the interns at the boarding school were forbidden from going out, the school decided to put a movie for them Wednesday afternoon. They said they asked students about what they would like to see but I highly doubt it. So, that Wednesday afternoon, when my classmates, seniors in highschool, with TONS of homework they had been working on where called in the auditorium for “informations” they had no choice but to go. The informations were given, and they were about to leave to resume working when the CPE and the deputy director stopped them.

They said my classmates HAD to see this movie, it was mandatory. Let me insist on the fact that they were around a hundred, all in a closed space, in the middle of a pandemic. Yes ? Great. So, my friends protested, saying that they had to work and didn’t want to stay. The deputy director started cutting them off to keep repeating some bullshit like “we made that for you” “we listenned and gave you this” “we worked hard on this”, like 5th graders. Until they said “I’m your superior and I order you to stay. Now shut up and take a sit”. My friends were astonished but did as asked. Which was incredibly unsafe and even dangerous (closed space, no safety distances...). And that movie that was “for the students” and “they worked hard on” was a goddamn movie about the Shoah. And I SWEAR TO GOD, there was panic attacks in the room, breakdowns, terrible reactions, and they didn’t give two shit about it.

And a day or so before, the nursed called to say I had to go back because it was “safe and everything was ok”. I was boiling.

After that incident, one of my teachers requested a call with me to talk about the class I had been missing. Very aware of the manipulative state of my school at that time, we were really careful, and a bit worried about it. Turned out it was a call of a genuine teacher that actually wanted to talk about the classes I had been missing and the homeworks I had been giving ! Of course he quickly tried to get convince me to come back, but I handled it well, once again. It was the highlight of my day.

At that point it had been 8 months since I had last been really out.

I had severals other breakdowns, mostly due to the ungodly stress I had been under because of school and news. I had been stressed out for 8 months now, and what had to happen, happened.

I had a burn out.

My mental state was so low I couldn’t even do what I love. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t draw. All I could do was watch shows and movies, or stare at the ceiling for hours. This was incredibly frustrating and scary. I couldn’t do my homeworks, and we feared I might get kicked out.

Then a miracle happened. Which is sad it got to that, but it was one. My teacher got quarantined, and started online classes. I had my first class of the year on November 14th. And I was there ! I answered tons of questions, and it kind of shocked everyone in class to realize I existed and was still trying to follow the classes.

It allowed to get better, and keep a very small following of school.

A week ago I have been able to do my Spanish homework. I am slowly getting better, trying to avoid stress and work as much as I can.

What I haven’t been able to talk about but did happen :

-One of my classmates caught the virus and she realized it a week later. The school said it was useless to quarantine her now and let her go back to class. The first thing she did was take off her mask and lean in everyone she was talking to. -I haven’t got any of my art classes since the beginning of the year. My teachers made the class believe they were giving it to me when they didn’t. I am specialized in art. -One of my classmates have been diagnosticated with depression. We’re 17. Several others have depression tendencies. -The school is trying to ignore us by not responding to anything we send, hoping we’ll resign. The pressure is still there. -We learned recently that many other parents and students had done the same thing and the schools have put pressure on them too. Some threatened the family. We hadn’t hear about it until now because schools are covering it up -Schools are covering numbers even inside. Most teachers doesn’t even know if a kid has Covid or not. If the teachers get sick, they are forced to immediatly go back to school.

This has been written the 22 november of 2020, in France.

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