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bazz-b · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — There’s a lot of freedom when you write a character with as little screen time as Bazz-B. I adhere strongly to everything known about him, and embellish the rest as I can. Some canon facts are a bit contradicting so we make do with what we can.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — Bazz-B is what happens when you cross punk with a volcano. Wronged as a child, betrayed by his God, he began a 1000 year crusade to infiltrate a holy army and kill God. Along the way he takes names and kicks ass, while balancing the burden of his secret goal and cultural obligation to aid his kind.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — The dude held a grudge for a 1000 years, pushed away the only person who cared about him, and then whined that he was betrayed. An ego bigger than his eccentric hair, he’s twice as obnoxious as he is loud.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — How dare you make me admit my secret shame.. When Bazz-B was first revealed in the manga, I snagged him in the group I was RPing in. Grimmjow was already so popular, and a lot of writers I looked up to were writing him, so there’s no way I was trying my hand at that. But this new fella reminded me of a Quincy Grimmjow. I WAS VERY WRONG AND I’M GLAD I WAS BUT THAT’S MY SHAMEFUL ORIGIN STORY.

What keeps your inspiration going? — I think it’s stupid how much I love Bazz-B. I went away for a while due to health reasons, but I never stopped loving him. Fleshing out everything that could have been, should have been, is and was-- any opportunity to talk about this man reignites my passion for him.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. (not often enough)

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. (Bazzard and Zorn’s All American Tour)

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. (IT DEPENDS? I’M NOT EASILY OFFENDED BUT I’M SOFT)

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — God okay I thrive off criticism. Genuinely, it doesn’t need to be positive. I prefer negative criticism. I’ll only ever improve if people tell me what I suck at. I can be better, help me pls.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — I drool over that shit.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — I'd definitely be interested. Headcanons, I think, pertain to each persons portrayal, so if someone disagrees they must believe it’s inherently out of character. I’d love to discuss that!

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — I’d love to discuss that EVEN MORE THAN HEADCANONS. If someone thinks Bazz-B should be behaving differently, or acting differently in scenarios, I’d love to listen to why. If anyone loves Bazz-B and has thoughts you come to me, you sit me down and I will listen so raptly you’ll think I’ve frozen in time.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — To each their own! I know a lot of people aren’t a fan of Bazz-B, he’s very in your face, and I know a lot of the stoic characters are super popular. Wont make me love him any less.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — Oh God, please do. My biggest peeve is when I repeat words too often. Be my little microsoft word paperclip!!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — I think I’m terrible at continuing out of character conversations, as I’m always worried I’m bugging people, but other than that I am very easy. Unless you say “I wish to offend you” I’ll naturally assume you’re not trying to offend me. We all come across differently, I just assume everyone is here to have a good time.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by: @hirako5hinji & @zombiequincy

#meme: answered #this was good fun oof

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elxfi-archived · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / She’s an oc. lol.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? — When it comes to OCs I try my best to make sure they fit seamlessly into the canon. I try to make sure they stand out, while not effecting the canon material. That being said, I’d say anything that happens post canon is pretty up for funsies. I also think some canon-divergence can be a lot of fun. I’m obviously no stranger to such things. So long as the divergence wouldn’t effect the overarching story, I’m totally cool with it~

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — On the surface she’s rather standoffish and isn’t very open to interacting with strangers. But her curious nature tends to outweigh those sort of impulses. When engaged in social situations, especially dangerous ones, Chiyo is rather calculated. Analyzing the other person and adjusting herself accordingly to avoid conflict, all the while gathering as much data as possible. To those she’s open with, she’s fairly affectionate and friendly. It’s a challenge to break her bubble most of the time, so I welcome people to try.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — While the challenge of interacting with her can be fun for some, I’d say it’s a drawback to others. She takes time to open up and build relationships and I can easily see that being a daunting task to some. Maybe it makes her more trouble than she’s worth.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — I really love the 12th division and exploring it. That being said, I didn’t have much interest in playing any of the already existing muses in the canon. I wanted to explore what other kinds of individuals the 12th might attract. Chiyo started as a design concept I made just for fun, but then my brain started to elaborate on why she looked that way and a story started to unfold. So I turned her into a fully fleshed out (I’d like to think) character.

What keeps your inspiration going? — The fandom, for one. People seem to take an interest in her and it’s a really big confidence boost when writing an oc. But I do take a lot of inspiration from greek mythos, horror films, and a slew of other things that I can’t really list off the top of my head. My inspiration always seems to be shifting about, but rarely waning. There’s always something to keep me going. Having incredible RP partners and friends definitely helps.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — I’m always open to constructive criticism. I think without it, it’s hard to grow as an artist/writer. I do often think people confuse insults and constructive criticism, though. Someone’s opinion isn’t always criticism. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at telling the difference and knowing when it’s just someone not liking my character as opposed to someone offering their help.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — Oh gosh so much! I try to flesh her out as much as possible and questions like that are a massive help!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — Since she’s an oc, unless it would contradict canon, no not really. When it comes to canon characters I do get curious. But generally they’re headcanons. You’re entitled to your thoughts and I’m entitled to mine. I’m totally open to discussing things maturely, but I won’t argue about headcanons. I think that’s so juvenile.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — I brush things like that off. I generally don’t care. If they don’t like my portrayal of a character, then they don’t need to be around. There are plenty of other people they can interact with.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — If it’s my OC, I’d like to think it wouldn’t bother me. But things like that DO sting a little bit. Especially since I’ve put so much time and work into trying to make her into a believable and interesting character. But all in all, it’s water off a duck’s back. I can’t let things like that get me down.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — YES PLEASE. I’m dyslexic and I try to do my best when proofreading, but I DO miss things from time to time. I’m always cool with corrections or having my RP partner go and fix a mistake if they feel so inclined.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — I’d say so? I’m always open to OOC discussion. Even just to chit chat. But I am an anxious mess and I RARELY reach out to people first. lol. It’s my biggest flaw. As for “easy going” as far as IC interactions go, I’d like to think I am. There’s never a rush on replies or interactions and if you’re ever just not feeling a thread, I’m 100% okay with just dropping it. That sort of thing doesn’t bother me.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by: @skyvar Tagging: @solitariusdeluna @hanabiira @windstormwielding @hattcri @sphaeraa @despairforme @ryusxnka

#dash games #[this was interesting!]#[Thanks for the tag Snow!]#[and thanks for creating this!]

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crimsonrevolt · 6 years

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Congratulations Paige you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Augustus Rookwood.

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Welcome back Paige! To hear from you was such a pleasant surprise and to have you back is even better! We never know what Augustus is going to do and that’s what makes him so great! He’s complex and interesting and we’re ready to have him back on the dash!

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Paige, 25, she/her, EST. I’m from Tennessee in the United States!

ACTIVITY

I’m currently having to share a laptop with my mom, and Chronic Fatigue keeps me pretty dead for most of the day, but I plan to get online at least once daily to reply to anything I owe. So 5/10 maybe? I mean, I’m ALWAYS available via chat though, to plot or just talk.

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

Originally, Alexis, your former (original?) Rabastan. Then I was here for months, left, returned for a year, left, and I’m baaaaaaaaack! Lol You know I can’t stay away from my trash son.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

In the past, I said Hermione without hesitation. I was always the one who felt a bit left out when new to a school, the one who lived to make teachers happy, and was a little too weird to make friends on my own without an intervening force. However, now I would say Minerva. In my friend group, I tend to be “mom”. I use logic and my mediating skills to make sure everyone stays out of too much trouble, work on guiding them through tough situations, and I always offer snacks when someone is upset. Also, cats are my life, and if I could become one, I would. Though even with the benefit of magic, the process would be incredibly complicated and I’m super lazy.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Nope!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Augustus Rookwood.

Middle name: Xavier.

Name’s full meaning: Majestic, splendid, bird/forest

FACE CLAIM

Daniel Sharman

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

What I put in my first apps: I’ve always been drawn to the darker characters. Especially the ones who appear very controlled when in the public eye, and then “let loose” when they’re behind closed doors. Then there was mention of his family basically putting him on a pedestal. I’ve always loved (and had a muse for) characters that have a little too much responsibility put on their shoulders by their parents, and then begin to crack under the pressure in highly destructive ways.

Augustus seems like the type of person who originally started out trying to be the best son he could be. Who nodded and smiled at his parents’ plans for his future, worked his hardest in school, and then one day realized there was someone out there (The Dark Lord) to whom he could devote himself, and not have to be so perfect and “good”.

Which is why he will last in this war. No one suspects the “good little quiet boy” who kept his nose in his books, and his potentially deadly spells to himself. Not even the Dark Lord wanted him at first. Not until Augustus showed him exactly what he was capable of, behind a locked door, when everyone else was out trying to make as much noise for their cause as possible.

Now that he has an excuse to use the dark skills he’s kept to himself for years, Augustus kills when asked to and tortures just for the fun of it. However, he draws the line at children, and will convince another member of the group to kill/torture them when sent to “take care of” an entire family. He can’t exactly explain why he’s protective of children, or why that mindset changes as soon as they’ve reached an age when they can defend themselves. Perhaps it’s just too easy, and he likes a challenge.

Now that I’ve actually played him: He evolved over time and his ability to suppress his emotions slipped drastically depending on who he was with. There were far more bad influences than good ones, and soon, a few too many people knew his secrets and he was caught. Since then, he has retreated back into himself as much, if not more than before, and mainly focuses on his job and making the Dark Lord proud. And God, he feels like screaming every minute of every day. As the climax of the war draws nearer, situations become more and more tense. The whispers behind his back make his skin crawl, and although he knows he will be protected if he lashes out, he swallows his curses like acid. He was betrayed once, and won’t let it happen again.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

Preferred ships? Augustus/everyone, to be honest. Augustus will have sex with anyone. Long time friends, people he wants to manipulate, strangers, whatever. Sex isn’t tied to emotion for him. It is purely the pursuit of pleasure. Hell, he would probably have sex with the Dark Lord without even being commanded to do so. Because yolo? But romance is an entirely different animal. It requires trust and emotional connection and way too much of oneself. Therefore, Augustus has only felt such a connection once, and he’s not sure he wants to repeat it. However, he could easily be in a relationship or marriage with someone out of convenience or friendship. Though no monogamy or cute stuff unless pretending for the public. He thinks it would be selfish to tie someone down like that if he can’t offer them what they need emotionally.

Overall, Augustus identifies as an aromantic pansexual (though those labels aren’t exactly a thing in the 70s/80s), as a cis male (he/him/his). There has been some gender experimentation with polyjuice potion, but that was purely for fun.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

Patronus: Lynx. (Lore states that the secretive lynx represents controlled power, individualism, and sharp-sightedness. Lynx people are generally exceedingly observant, quiet, intelligent, and curious. Though their independent nature can strike some as aloof, they are often excellent guides and steadfast friends.) Boggart: Someone outing him for what he’s done. Such as, a member of the Wizengamot reading a list of his crimes. Wand: Hazel (Wandlore states that “A sensitive wand, hazel often reflects its owner’s emotional state, and works best for a master who understands and can manage their own feelings.”), 10 inches, Dragon heartstring core, Unyielding.

Blog: http://avgvstvs.tumblr.com

LINK TO VISUAL AESTHETIC

Brief playlist: “Choke” - I Don’t Know How But They Found Me, “Strangers” - Halsey (ft. Lauren Jauregui), “Run” - AWOLNATION, “The Last One” - Black Veil Brides

Aesthetic: On one hand, he’s a smoking gun, hands dripping with blood, wet leather after a surprise storm, teeth on pale skin, the way a bottle of alcohol holds the scent when empty, skin rubbed against a rough brick wall, and sins in hallowed places. But then he’s also the smell of old books, chalk covered hands from solving impossible problems, secrets whispered to empty rooms, lies screamed into crowded places, nails digging into palms, tantrums behind locked doors, cold chains, hot coffee, lightning and hurricanes. But then as an Unspeakable, there’s all this mystery surrounding his job, and the strict rules he must follow. So order and perfection. But as a Death Eater, there’s all this chaos and mess. Augustus in school was far different. Sweaters with sleeves a little too long, glasses to read that kept slipping off, smudged parchment, top marks hidden from fellow students, praise from teachers sounding too much like the praise from his parents, the death of a sibling and the expectation to immediately get over it, sitting in windows and watching the world move too fast. Everything was perfectly imperfect, and he did everything he could to grasp and absorb the chaos around him, and hold it tight.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

The following section should be looked at like a survey for your character. Answer them in character and feel free to use gifs. Or, if you’d rather, answer them in third person or OOC without gifs. Answers do not have to be extremely lengthy.

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it: “I would not invent my own. I would simply rework the pre-existing Obliviate and make it much more permanent and impossible to reverse. The incantation would be obliviscaris in perpetuum (forget forever) and it would be invaluable for those who wish to use it on victims, or for those who have something traumatic or highly sensitive in their past that they’d rather forget..”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you: “I would choose to take the Dark Lord with me, obviously, despite him never being one to follow someone else. His powers surpass anything the forest could throw at us. Also, I would bring a time-turner with me, due to its ability to help me return to any moment before I run into trouble, and allow me to take a different path.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make? “Those that require me to go against my deceitful nature and be completely honest with people. Like, a decision that if I am being truthful, would end my carefully constructed public image.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you? “I would never want someone accusing me of something, whether I did the deed or not. How I spend my time is an entirely private matter, and I would rather not have others prying into my life, no matter what they believe I have done.”

REACTION TO LAST EVENT DROP

While Augustus is glad that the Ministry is fully within the clutches of the Dark Lord’s side, he disagrees with the eradication of non-purebloods. He has never been a blood purest due to his childhood as an outcast and the discovery that those with colorful family trees tend to be the kindest. And after his time spent in America surrounded by Muggles, Augustus doesn’t really give a shit who your parents are. He plans to do almost everything he can to avoid a total genocide. Sure, murder and mayhem are fun, but one must draw a line at the slaughter of friends. Perhaps. While he has no plans to actively work against his fellow Death Eaters, he will not turn down direct orders. And for now, his orders are to stay focused on his work in the Department Of Mysteries. He has a plan for The Dark Lord that only someone who works in the Love Chamber can properly research.

WRITING SAMPLE

Augustus hadn’t been in this to make friends. Since childhood he’d fully accepted that he was born to be a loner. Besides, everyone else just got in his way. But as he sat, with cold metal chains wrapped around his wrists and ankles, clinking every time he tried (and failed) to find a more comfortable position, he felt truly and utterly alone. For the first time in his life, he began wishing there was someone by his side. Anyone, really. Just another warm body to deflect some of the angry, betrayed looks coming from the seats in which sat the Wizengamot and others. At that point, he would have even accepted a few of his least favorite acquaintances.

Unfortunately, everyone he knew was either dead, in Azkaban, or in the audience, watching with bated breath. This trial was one that had brought out spectators from every department of the Ministry. NO ONE had suspected the quiet wizard who went directly to and from the Department Of Mysteries every day, never making enemies or even standing out very much. He’d played his role perfectly. Even now, he kept his true self behind a facade, acting the part of the wrongly accused. Because he truly intended to leave the trial a free man. What good was the word of Karkaroff against his? The headmaster of a foreign school known to breed dark wizards, against a ‘friend’ of many at the Ministry? He’d spent countless hours cultivating false relationships with these people, earning their trust, and then gathering secrets. And until his name was spat by Karkaroff, it hadn’t so much as flashed through people’s minds. Not since he was pardoned all those years ago after his interrogation at the hands of Aversio.

The questions were easily answered with lies, and he even asked some of his own. “Where were you on the night of (…)?” “Where was I? Where were your Aurors? How could you let this happen?” “Who else answers to He Who Must Not Be Named?” “Clearly you’re bringing anyone in these days. If I pointed at any of you, would you put them on trial too?” Until the lies weren’t enough to get him released, and a vial of Veritaserum was brought out.

Rookwood started to sweat in that moment. His breath became ragged and his hands began to violently shake. If he was being honest with himself, he would have realized that it was sheer terror he was experiencing. As the potion was carried across the room and uncorked, he’d half expected someone to burst into the room and save him. The other part of him knew his entire life was about to change for the worse. Even as the liquid was forced into his mouth, possible scenarios of escape danced through his mind. If only the chains were slightly loose. Maybe one of his fellow Death Eaters sat amongst the crowd. Yaxley? Cassius? Dolores? Perhaps someone would have a sudden change of heart and remember how impossible it seemed for him to be a part of this. But alas, the chains were magic, all of his comrades had already been captured or killed, and after the trial of Barty Crouch Jr., no one trusted even the least suspicious person.

And then words were spilling past his lips, almost too fast, with the sting of Veritaserum still on his tongue. When asked about his dealings with the Death Eaters, he held nothing back, despite the deep ache within his very soul that got stronger with each new thing he revealed. Both the Wizengamot and the audience gasped as he told details of the lives he’d destroyed. How he’d stalked several entire families before torturing and killing them. The bodies he’d left in alleyways. The memories he’d stolen from those he’d left bloody and beaten. The way it made him feel when people begged. He told them it was an almost sexual satisfaction, and the Veritaserum-induced smirk that went along with his words must have been the final nail in his coffin, because the trial ended swiftly after that.

Augustus was forced to watch as his beloved wand was snapped in half in front of him, and he was immediately taken to a cold, damp room where an elderly wizard stripped him of his fine, embroidered robes and a pair of striped, dirty ones were shoved into his hands. He would be taking a portkey to Azkaban directly from that room, without a chance to say goodbye to anyone. Not that he cared very much for anyone in his life, especially those not currently residing in the prison he was destined for, but it was all very sudden. Like a flower being plucked from a vast garden and shoved into a dusty old vase, just waiting to die.

And in this little vase of his, he was alone.

#accepted app #hp rp #lsrpg #skeleton rp

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this-darkness-light · 7 years

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Pretzal the Swamp Wyrm

Pairing: Samifer Rating: Teen and Up Audiences Word count: 1,921

Summary: Sam’s new Bad Dragon toy comes in the mail. Lucifer and Castiel find it first. Surprisingly SFW! Wow, I can write something that’s not porn LOL.

Tags/warnings: spnrareshipcc, Sam/Lucifer, Samifer, humor, sex toys, implied bottom!Lucifer, implied top!Sam, established relationship, Lucifer in the bunker, some mild OOCness, coarse language

Tagging: @rareshipcreationschallenge

Link to the toy:

-.-.-.-.-

Sam sighs, closing the large book of lore he’s been reading for way too long and squishes his eyes with his fingers until gold, red, and green fireworks erupt behind his eyelids. It kind of relieves the pressure of staring at dusty old pages for hours and hours and hours. All by himself. Because of course Dean would never sit his ass in an actual chair and read an actual book in the actual library and actually help Sam when he’s off doing whatever he’s doing, wherever he’s doing it.

Loud gurgling fills the library. Sam snaps his eyes open and jerks his head around, reaching for his knife as he mentally shuffles through every creature and monster and mean supernatural thingy that makes gurgley noises and might possibly be invisible. He comes up with nothing. Then the gurgle comes back, louder and accompanied by a pang in his gut, and Sam realizes sheepishly that it’s his own stomach, which is apparently so empty it’s started gnawing on his spine and groaning in agony.

Massaging his middle, Sam turns back to the book. He could seriously use a break. Besides, the research is going nowhere. If he has to spend one more second squinting at faint, decades-old handwriting and decipher what it means just to find out it means nothing useful, his eyes are going to explode and dribble down his face in thick globs of white goo.

Deciding that it can wait for some other time, or some other day, or some other…never…(never sounds good), Sam accidentally-on-purposefully forgets to mark his place before slamming the book shut and cramming it back on the shelf and hauling ass out of the library like there’s a posse of clowns on his six.

He’s almost to the kitchen, visions of salads and protein smoothies and other healthy snacks dancing in his head, when he hears the voices of angels.

“You know more about these human things, Castiel. What do you think it is?” Lucifer asks.

“I do not know,” Castiel says solemnly, like he’s pronouncing a death sentence on a condemned prisoner. “Let us inspect it together.”

Sam pauses just outside the entrance and smiles softly to himself. It’s so good to hear them getting along, acting like brothers. Castiel was naturally on edge after Lucifer showed up at the bunker, dehydrated and half-starved and Graceless, but by no means human. But now that Lucifer is back inside Nick and is apparently there to stay, he and Castiel have slowly mended their brotherly relationship and have been getting along better than Sam ever expected.

Hell, Sam and Lucifer have been getting along better than Sam expected. Like, way better. Explaining that to Dean had been fun. For some reason he didn’t buy their “we just sorta fell into the bed at the same time and whoops! we fucked, huh, how ’bout that” story. But Sam’s pretty sure Dean will be having nightmares for the rest of his life about walking in on his little brother pounding literal actual Satan into the mattress, so. Silver linings and all that.

Something vaguely plastic-y crinkles in kitchen, drawing Sam from his thoughts. Two deep hums of analytical curiosity follow.

“It is very long,” Castiel observes.

“And thick,” Lucifer adds.

Sam smirks to himself. Whatever it is, both angels are probably doing that angel head tilt of confusion thing. He can see it now.

“It is also quite bendy,” Castiel says.

And then Sam’s research-fried brain adds all three together and comes up with ‘oh shit.’

He practically leaps inside to see Castiel thwacking the tip of Sam’s new Bad Dragon toy, Pretzal the Swamp Worm, back and forth like some kind of demented metronome.

Oblivious to Sam’s presence, Lucifer watches Castiel with one arm crossed over his chest and his chin propped on the other fist. “May I try?” he asks, holding out his chin hand for the toy. Castiel graciously hands it over. Taking it gingerly from his younger brother, Lucifer tilts it so the shaft of the dildo is parallel with the ground, then shakes it, making the plastic dick do an obscene wobble-flap thing that has Sam blushing a bright tomato red.

Castiel watches Lucifer’s experimental gesture intently. “Hmm. Perhaps it goes back and forth?” Lucifer obliges him, thrusting the toy in the air, and now it’s officially time to put an end to Angel Brother Bonding Time.

“H-hey guys, um…where did you get that?” Sam asks, drawing the angels’ attention to himself.

“Hello, Sam,” Castiel says in that chewing-gravel voice at the same time Lucifer’s face brightens like a beam of sunlight breaking through overcast skies.

“Sammy!” he says. “Hey, do you happen to know what this is?” He gives the dildo a helpful waggle. As if Sam could possibly not know what he means by “this.”

“Uhh…” Shit. Sam reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.

“It came in a box with your name on it,” Castiel says, saving Sam from coming up with some reasonable and marginally believable crock of bullshit he can feed them.

“You were busy, so we opened it for you,” Lucifer says, looking like a proud kitten that has dropped a dead mouse at his human’s feet and is expecting praise.

Sam sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, acting like he’s frustrated when really he’s relieved to have such a convenient conversational re-direct. “We’ve talked about this, guys. If your name isn’t on the box…”

The angels exchange looks and then roll their eyes in tandem. “Don’t open it,” they chorus in flat, unenthusiastic voices.

“But we never get mail,” Lucifer says, sounding like the whiney hallucination incarnation of himself that haunted Sam’s every waking hour a few years back.

“We apologize for opening your mail to give ourselves the vicarious experience of receiving our own packages,” Castiel says, sounding genuinely apologetic. “But now that we have opened it, we would like to know what it is.”

Trust Castiel to hang onto the “what is it” question like a dog with a bone. Sam chews his bottom lip. “Um.” God. This situation can’t get any worse.

“Hey Sam,” Dean says, wandering in from wherever he was doing whatever he was doing that wasn’t helping Sam in the library.

Aaaand it officially got worse. Sam would like to die now, please.

“Got a minute? I wanted to —” But Sam doesn’t ever get to find out what Dean wanted, because at that moment he sees the dildo in Lucifer’s hands and his eyes and lips bug out in a picture perfect imitation of a goldfish.

Dean crooks a finger at the dildo. “What the fuck is that?” Lucifer ever so helpfully holds it up so Dean can get a better look at it. Never in his life has Sam wanted to bitchslap the Devil as much as he does in that moment. Dean jerks his head back in thinly disguised what-the-fuck, and Sam can hear the gears turning in his porn-addicted brother’s mind and knows he’ll figure out any second now.

Sam gives him the best puppy eyes he’s ever used on him, silently willing him to make like Elsa and let it go. No, Dean. No. Just shut up and don’t say anything, just shut up…

“Why do the angels have a dildo?”

Sam smacks his face with his palm. Of course Dean can’t just ever shut up. He should have known that.

“What’s a dildo?” Castiel and Lucifer ask at the same time, turning expectant, curious faces up at Dean.

Apparently even Dean Winchester can’t bring himself to explain sex toys to two of the holiest creatures in existence, even if one of them was technically once evil incarnate. “Uh, you wanna take this one Sam?”

Sam throws him an epic bitchface and flips him off just before two expectantly curious angel faces swivel his way, eyes bright with curiosity and expectation.

But Dean started this, and fuck if Sam isn’t gonna make him finish it.

“Oh no, Dean, you're doing a fantastic job all by yourself of ruining everything. Please, continue. You couldn't possibly make it any worse.”

The angels do a simultaneous head-tilt of confusion at Sam. He twirls a finger to indicate they should look to Dean for all the answers to life, the universe, and everything dildo related. They share a look and then turn back to Dean like a pair of synchronized swimmers trapped on dry land.

By now Sam should have known not to tempt Fate and declare that something couldn’t get worse than it it, because Dean very much makes it worse by explaining, in very graphic detail, exactly what dildos are for.

Castiel squints at the dildo like he doesn’t quite believe Dean’s explanation. “If I understand correctly, this is supposed to go inside one’s anal cavity?”

Dean pokes his tongue into his cheek and presses a fist to his mouth to hold back the laugh brewing in his eyes. Sam just glowers, because this is all just fantastic.

“Uh, yeah, Cas, that’s basically how it works,” Dean says in a strangled voice. Castiel nods slowly and continues staring at the toy like a cop sweating a suspect in the interrogation room.

And now Sam is Well and Truly Done. “Okay. Since we’ve all established that this is a dildo, and that it came in a box with my name on it, that means it’s my dildo. So hand it here.” He holds out his hand expectantly, just wanting this whole kerfuffle over with.

Dean snerks. “Dude, you bought a dildo? Why?”

Sam gives him a fake smile laced with heavy undertones of ‘I hate you.’ “Do you really want to know?” he asks in a syrupy sweet voice, looking pointedly at Lucifer and then back at Dean.

Dean blanches and gags. “Yeah, TMI Sam. C’mon Cas, let’s go…anywhere else but here.” Grabbing Castiel’s shoulder, Dean steers him out of the kitchen without giving him time to protest or ask why.

As soon as they’re gone Sam crosses his arms and turns to Lucifer, who’s scuffing his shoe on the floor and staring up at the ceiling like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s seen in his billions of years of existence.

Sighing, Sam takes the dildo from Lucifer’s unresisting hands. “Dude…this was supposed to be a surprise. It was for us, and now Dean knows about it and ugh...I'm never gonna hear the end of this.”

Lucifer winces and finally looks up at him with those big blue eyes of his. “Sorry?”

He looks so much like a five-year-old getting scolded for stealing a cookie right before dinner time that Sam just can’t stay mad at him.

Huffing to himself, he waggles the dildo at Lucifer like an admonishing finger. “You know what this means, right?”

Lucifer cants his head to the side. “What?”

Sam smirks at him and juts out his chin. “I’m gonna have to punish you for this.”

Lucifer blinks, then takes a step closer to Sam, licking his lips. “Well, I suppose I earned it,” he purrs.

Sam laughs. “Understatement.” Smiling, he holds out his hand. Lucifer takes it, and together they head for Sam’s bedroom to give Pretzal the Swamp Wyrm a proper welcome.

-.-.-.-.-

#spnrareshipcc #samifer #spn #humor #this-darkness-writes #sam winchester #lucifer #dean winchester #castiel #first spn fic

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