#or going home i mean iiiii feel like throwing up

[one-way-dream]

o|-< man

[platypanthewriter]

Unless...? (Ch. 8)

Previous | Fic Masterlist

Steve Harrington wants to be best friends with Billy Hargrove.  He wants to marry him–as friends–so they’ll always be together, and he’s going crazy, trying not to be weird about it, and scare Billy off.  Also he’s in a band, and they run a bar.Billy’s buckling under an onslaught of friendly Harrington flirtation.  Also he’s just been hired as the new bartender. For Day 2 of Febuwhump, “I can’t take this anymore.”

In this chapter:  Billy's pretty drunk when he comes back to Steve's hotel room, and he wants to see Steve wear the thongs. 

Billy eventually hauled Steve back out of the bathroom—Steve was content to stand there forever, with Billy’s earnest, alcohol-redolent breath in his face, listening to him proclaim his undying affection—but Billy yanked his arm. “Come on,” he slurred. “Max’s gonna...give up on us.” Steve splashed some water on his hot face, and then trotted after his fiance.

“Did you just bone my brother on the bathroom counter,” Max asked crisply, not looking up from her menu as they approached the table.

“You know it,” Billy said, laughing, and squeezed Steve’s hand.

“Fuck no, that counter’s covered in like ten layers of old hand soap,” Steve said, making a face. “Billy deserves better than old hand soap.”

“Like the alley out back,” Billy muttered, dropping into the booth, and Steve sat too close, elbowing him.

“Like a honeymoon suite,” he countered, and got to hear Max and her brother groan, and watch Billy’s ears turn even redder.

“So I hear Steve has been proposing for like. Months,” she told Billy, who glared at Steve. “You never said a word.”

“He was letting me pine,” Steve said, grabbing the soju away as Billy poured more, and tossing it back.

“Yeah, no more for you,” Max said, grabbing the bottle, and filling her cup. “How come you were still dating that shithead, then?”

“Not enough brain cells,” Billy sighed, and Steve slid an arm around him, then pressed his luck, and a kiss to Billy’s temple, feeling it heat.

“We’re hoping our combined six brain cells are a little smarter,” Steve told Max, and she snorted a laugh—and then smiled a little softer, he thought, watching Billy as he leaned into Steve’s shoulder with a grumbly noise like a drunken bear.

“Thank you,” she mouthed, silently, and Steve flushed. “Be good to him or I’ll kill you,” she added, in a creepily sibilant whisper, and Billy mumbled inquiringly. Steve hugged his head, nodding back at her.

Steve had to half-heft Billy into his hotel room that night, full of barbequed meat and more liquor than was good for either of them, and then help him undress, sliding his hands down Billy’s ass and thighs to get his too-tight jeans off, and crouching between Billy’s knees to pull at his boots. Billy dropped back onto the mattress with a long sigh, and then Steve had to haul him back upright to tug at the buttons on his sleeves, and run his hands over the muscles of Billy’s shoulders to push the shirt off them. He kept pausing to look at Billy’s tattoos, or a couple times because the feel of Billy’s skin was distracting, warm, muscled, a little hairy on his arms and legs, and softer over his stomach and ass. Billy curled away from Steve’s hands on his abs.

“Quit it,” he mumbled. “You don’t care if I do my crunches, right, if I’m not...cut,” and Steve shook his head, running his knuckles over the soft curls that crept out of Billy’s pajama pants toward his bellybutton.

“Nah, you’re perfect,” he said honestly. “You’d be perfect if you turned into that blueberry from the Willy Wonka movie, y’know.”

“...s’weird you don’t give a shit,” Billy sighed, his whole body flushed with alcohol as he watched Steve’s knuckles stroke his side softly.

“If you’re too pretty, people are gonna keep following you home,” Steve told him. “And what if I just like, see you when I’m onstage, and I drop my guitar?”

Billy burst into cackling laughter, his eyes wide. “You think I’m pretty?” he asked breathlessly, and Steve snorted a laugh.

“I have eyes, man,” he told him, and Billy’s smile widened, lazy and delighted.

“You think I’m pretty,” he mumbled, still giggling.

“Of course I do,” Steve told him, reaching up to tuck Billy’s hair behind his ear, and cupping his warm, stubbly cheek to feel him smile. “You’d probably look way better in those thongs,” he sighed. “I look like a moron who forgot to wash his own underwear. Or like, those bastards at the laundromat, you know, that just steal whatever, and you’re like ‘what the hell did you want with one of every sock’.”

“Y-you put them on,” Billy choked out, pushing himself back upright to stare at Steve’s face, and Steve scrambled back, licking his lips. “You wore them?!”

“Uh,” Steve said, his cheeks heating. “I mean, just—just in case you were serious, I wanted it to fit.”

“...I wanna see,” Billy said, drunk and sincere, and Steve couldn’t believe those wide, hazy eyes were lying to him.

He grimaced. “Whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably gonna look more stupid than that.”

“It’s gonna be a religious experience,” Billy said, patting around the bed for his phone, and Steve groaned, rubbing his face.

“Why don’t you wear ‘em,” he tried, “—if you like the damn things so much.”

“You said,” Billy huffed, still slapping the bed for his phone, and pouting, so Steve sighed, grabbed Billy’s phone, slapped it into his outstretched hand, and dropped his pants. Billy made a noise like he’d swallowed a leaking helium balloon, and Steve heard the camera shutter noise.

“You send anybody that picture and I’ll—” break your face, was Steve’s first thought, but then he remembered Billy’s bruises. “—I’ll order pineapple and anchovies on every pizza for the next year.”

“...hurting yourself to hurt me,” Billy huffed.

“I can gag it down,” Steve told him triumphantly, and yanked his briefs off, to another strangled sound from Billy, and more shutter noises. “...I mean it, though, don’t send blackmail pictures to Robin.”

“...blackmail pictures,” Billy said weakly, as Steve set his jaw, closed his eyes, and pulled on the blue thong. His t-shirt partly covered it, thank god, he thought, because his dick was aware there was somebody on his bed even if Billy was a dude, and the friction of the satin was weird, so he had kind of the beginning of a hard-on. He sighed. Billy swallowed, his throat clicking like he needed something to drink. “...take the t-shirt off,” he whispered, and Steve stared back at him.

“Seriously?! You can see how it fits!”

“Come on,” Billy whispered, and Steve groaned, but yanked his t-shirt over his head to more shutter noises. He tried to ignore his stupid cock thinking fancy underwear meant anything on him, and stared past Billy at the ugly 80’s pink and grey motel art. “...you look like somebody’s pulling your teeth,” Billy said.

“...the hell you want,” Steve gritted out. “I look like an idiot.”

“Well, they got me to fucking...agree to marry you, right, you could look like it wasn’t the shittiest day of your life,” Billy said, glowering at his phone, and Steve sighed.

“Okay, what then? Should I like. Pose,” he asked, flexing half-heartedly, and Billy took a weird jerky breath.

“...you really...think you look bad in those,” he rasped out, and Steve snorted a laugh, frowning down.

“I’ve got elastic up my ass,” he said, squirming. “I’m not even sure how I thought they were sexy on women anymore, jesus.”

“You look like a centerfold,” Billy said hoarsely, and Steve—who’d spent nearly a year wondering whether he wanted to be around Billy or just be Billy—felt better instantly.

“...really?!” Steve asked, staring down at his untanned (compared to Billy’s) stomach, and his uninked arms. “...yeah, I’m hot, right?” he asked, laughing with relief. “I know I’m hot, huh, not everybody can look like you.” He twisted his body into a tits-and-ass superheroine pose, pursing his lips at Billy, who made a noise in his throat like he was dying. Steve snickered, and stuck his arm out and up to the side like he was Superman. “Truth, justice, and the American way,” he said, and Billy snorted a high-pitched laugh.

He’d half-covered his face, but he was still snapping pictures, and Steve couldn’t help wanting him to laugh harder, because Billy was cute, pink-cheeked with drink, giggling. Steve spread his arms, hearkening back to a long-ago role in the school production of My Fair Lady. “I have often slept/in this room before,” he began, throwing his arms wide, “—but the carpet always stayed beneath my feet before. All at once am IIIII/several stories hiiiiiigh/knowing I’m in the room where you aaaaare—” he sang, and Billy burst out laughing, letting himself fall backwards on the bed cackling, his hands over his face.

Steve climbed up on the bed again, sitting on Billy’s legs like they were five, and kept going. “AND OHHHHHH, THE TOWERING FEELING,” he belted out, “—JUST TO KNOOOOW/SOMEHOW YOU ARE NEAR—”

Billy shoved at him, laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe, and turning a little to bury his face in the pillows.

Steve beamed, taking a quick breath. “THE OHHHHVERPOWERING FEELING/THAT ANY SECOND YOU MAY SUDDENLY APPEAR—” he paused, because the neighbors were banging on the walls again, and put his hands on his hips.

“Oh my god,” Billy wheezed, wiping tears from his eyes. “Stop, stop, before they throw us out, jesus christ you fucking loon.”

“Maybe they prefer Elton John,” Steve said thoughtfully, opening his mouth to try some of Your Song, and Billy tackled him to the bed, both hands over Steve’s mouth, which was suddenly kind of awkward, as Steve remembered he was wearing only a thong. He tried to sort of hum that he was disarmed and un-dangerous, but Billy glowered suspiciously, leaning harder to hold his hands over Steve’s mouth, his mouth still quirked as he shook a little with suppressed snickering.

Steve tried not to squirm. Billy’s pajama pants were soft and thin, and Steve could feel thigh muscles through them. Billy’s butt hovered right over his dick, barely bound by the scrap of satin and lace, and it was hard to think of anything but that couple of inches of space between Billy feeling safe as friends, and finding out Steve got idiotically turned on by people thinking he was funny and hot.

Billy was panting, still out of breath from laughing, his chest and abs flexing right before Steve’s eyes, so he closed them, feeling the heat spread over his face. “You gonna behave?” he hissed, and Steve considered shaking his head, so Billy would just...stay on top of him, maybe, maybe fell asleep there, while Steve spent an agonizing night trying not to squirm and Billy breathed contentedly into his neck.

He nodded, instead, and Billy pushed himself up to stretch.

“You’re insane,” he commented.

“Everybody serenades fiances,” Steve said indignantly. “I could read you poetry instead.”

“Holy fuck, no,” Billy hissed, reaching to slap a hand over Steve’s face again, and Steve kissed his hand. He snatched it back like Steve had burned him, swinging his leg off Steve to curl his whole body into the pillows, groaning. “Why are you like this,” he sighed, still laughing.

“You love me,” Steve pointed out, biting his lip uncertainly, and Billy sighed again.

“Yeah.”

Steve dropped down next to him, his shoulder against Billy’s back, and imagined he and Billy in their suits. “We got a fitting tomorrow,” he said softly. “For the suits.”

“...yeah, I know,” Billy said, leaning back against him. “You gonna wear the blue thong? Something borrowed and everything?”

Steve laughed. “Oh. I was thinking white lace. Weddings. Y’know.”

“You...thought about it,” Billy mumbled.

“Dude, I’ve done nothing but think about it,” Steve told him, pushing himself up on his elbows. “I keep thinking you’re gonna say it was all a joke. Thongs, seriously? I’ll wear ‘em every damn day if it keeps you around, man.”

“...bro,” Billy said, laughing into his pillow with kind of a whine.

“Yeah,” Steve agreed, grimacing. He swung his legs off the bed, and grabbed his jeans off the floor. “I’m gonna shower,” he told Billy, who was sounding sleepy, and saw what was probably a nod.

In the bathroom, he stared at himself in the mirror again, and felt less shitty about being a man in satin and lace, because really, people could just...wear things, he figured, it wasn’t like the fabric cared. Billy’d looked happy as he laughed, and Steve smiled at the thought, and flexed again in the mirror. He was half-tempted to get a little apron or something and make Billy laugh his ass off again.

His dick still hadn’t gotten the message that it wouldn’t be getting any action, and he tried to ignore it fully peeking over the top of the elastic, and the damp spot from his reaction to getting thrown down on a bed. It’d be actually and metaphorically hard to sleep next to Billy without taking care of it, though, and he let himself thumb over the tip, biting back a groan, and trying not to think anything weird about Billy’s weight on him, or the muscles of his forearms as he held Steve down by the face.

He reminded himself of Tommy shoving his hand away, and stalking out of his life, and tried to think about tits as he climbed in the shower, his shoulders hunched.

The feeling wasn’t really the same, he told himself—he knew what he was feeling, watching a woman squeeze into a dress, and thinking about peeling her out of it, but it’d never been clear, as he tried to dress up like Han Solo, what exactly he wanted—to kiss him, or be him, or just be...as cool as him, or maybe just to have a janky spaceship to share with his very best friend.

He peeled out of the thong, his cheeks burning, and stepped into the shower, soaping his hand up. It only took a few yanks before he came over his fingers, thinking annoyingly neither of Billy nor an anonymous woman’s mouth, but ofTommy, how he’d shoved Steve against the doorjamb, and said “Yeah, why shouldn’t I go over to Carol’s again? What you got that’s better than her, huh?”

Steve had been bewildered when Tommy started yanking at his pants, but also drunk, and horny from the porn. The woman onscreen was still panting and begging, her tits jiggling, and it was hot with the heat of an Indiana summer, but their beers were cold. The sound of distant frogs nearly drowned out the grunting on the screen. Tommy’s hands were hot and tight, and at nineteen it didn’t take much. Steve’d woken deep under the surface of a hangover, looking around at his limp, sticky cock half out of his pants, and taken a shower before he even remembered what had happened the night before.

Tommy’d never picked up his calls again.

It hadn’t even been his idea, Steve didn’t think, scrubbing at his hair as his brain went over the familiar ground—Tommy’d yanked at his jeans, while Steve stared like a drunk idiot. He tried to remember—again—whether he’d leaned in too far, or seemed too willing, and growled, sticking his head under the showerhead.

After he towelled off, he slid into bed behind Billy, and slid an arm around him. Billy snorted powerfully, smacking his lips, and rolled over to grapple Steve in closer, smacking a kiss to Steve’s jaw. “...love...babe,” he mumbled, nuzzling his head into Steve’s neck, and tossing a thigh over his legs.

Steve lay motionless, his heart pounding, staring at the ceiling.

In the morning, Billy insisted they couldn’t be fitted together, and see each other before the wedding. Then he drove home.

After the gig the next night, Steve drove home after him. He slowed as he passed Billy’s apartment, but it was four-fifteen in the morning, and he was pretty sure that was grounds for divorce.

He couldn’t stop grinning, and typing text drafts to Billy he didn’t send, and checking the time, so finally he just cleaned—he scrubbed the whole fridge, and pulled all the popsicles and discount steak out to defrost the freezer. If he’d been female, he thought, with kind of a shivery feeling in his stomach, he’d have eaten the popsicles when Billy was over—just sucked them down until he gave himself brain freeze, leaning his head back so Billy could see the muscles working in his cheeks and throat. Steve bit his lips together, sighing, and gripped the counter, wishing the stupid, useless image wasn’t stuck in his head.

The sheets smelled kinda stale, so he washed them, and put another load of laundry in, before checking the time again, seeing it was too early to take Billy any breakfast, and flopping face-first on the couch with a groan.

He awoke to his phone ringing, and answered in a grunted slur of syllables even he couldn’t identify. It was Joyce Byers’ voice, he registered, his brain feeling like its tires were spinning in mud.

“Billy’s sick,” she told him. “He sounds awful. He’s by himself.”

“Enh,” Steve said. “Grungh.”

“...I thought you might be on the road,” she said. “Weren’t you coming back today?”

“M’I’m,” Steve mumbled, and rolled half on his side to prop himself up. “M’here. Drove...las’night.”

“Sorry to wake you, sweetie,” she said, sounding suspiciously like she was laughing. “He’s just as impatient to see you, hon. That’s why I called. He was smiling all night. I had to pinch his pink cheeks.”

“...my pink cheeks,” Steve muttered indignantly, and she laughed again.

“Go take him some cold medicine, okay? Maybe something hot to eat?”

Steve slapped his face a few times to try and get his brain back online, blinked, and frowned worriedly. “Is—is he okay?”

“Sounds like a question for the man himself. We’ve got this, if you don’t want to come in tonight,” she said. “Tell him not to worry about anything, and feel better!”

“O-okay,” Steve said, nodding.

“Make him take a nap too, sweetie,” she said, and hung up. Steve blinked at his phone, and then called Billy.

He didn’t answer.

Steve grimaced, sat down to work on the chords for his nearly-finished song, couldn’t focus, and cleaned the garage. He tried again an hour later, and got no response, so he waited a couple more hours, did all the dishes, and scrubbed the stove.

He kept thinking about being sick, and he started to want soup, so he rummaged through his cupboards, and then pulled out the cookbook Joyce had helped him pick out when he first started living on his own. It had chicken soup in it, and Steve studied the ingredients carefully, jotting them down.

When he got to the part of the recipe that said ‘if using noodles, add them now,’ he stalled out, staring helplessly. He side-eyed the phone, and didn’t call again—Billy was probably asleep, he reminded himself, and there Steve was, waking him up every god damn hour.

He went out and bought sick-person groceries—the soup ingredients, obviously. Kleenex, benadryl, cough syrup, cough drops—and popsicles in case Billy had a sore throat. He got two whole boxes, resolutely not thinking about either of them actually eating them. He got a loaf of bread to slice for thick crunchy toast, and a carton of eggs to soft-boil. He threw some fluffy slippers by the register in, and then circled around again when he remembered tea.

When he knocked on Billy’s door, he kept it fairly quiet, and busied himself setting up a bag with all the things Billy might want—there was no point in giving a sick person the raw carrots for the chicken soup. Just as he was trying to remember whether Billy had a toaster oven, the door opened, and Billy stared down at him, wrapped in a blanket. His nose and lips were red, chapped and peeling.

“Sorry I woke you up, I’ll go away,” Steve told him, standing up, and grabbing both bags of groceries. “But I just need to ask, rice or noodles?”

“Why are you going away,” Billy croaked.

“I, um,” Steve stumbled, uncertain. “But uh, I’m—I’m making chicken soup, so: rice, or noodles?”

“...you’re making me soup?” Billy sighed, leaning against the door jamb. “...what are you doing out here?”

“I brought you stuff,” Steve told him, wincing. “Uh, is it—can I come in?” Billy backed away, tottering over to blow his nose, and Steve came in and kicked the door shut with his feet.

It was both humid and cold, and Steve grimaced into the dim light, watching Billy curl up on the corner of the couch in his jeans and the sweatshirt from their work. He was surrounded by used kleenex. “...I brought…” Steve trailed off, as Billy tried to tuck the blanket over his toes, and not pull it off his head. “...why’s it so cold in here?” he asked, and Billy’s head jerked up.

“It’s fucking cold, right?! I knew the fucking thermostat wasn’t working—” he stopped, sighing.

“Okay, no,” Steve announced. “You’re coming to my place. I promise not to make you sign any, like, prenuptials, come on.”

“...I’m sick,” Billy told him, petulantly, as Steve found his shoes.

“That would be why,” Steve told him, battling to get one arm out of the blanket at a time, and push Billy’s arms into his coat. “You can figure out the thermostat later—I’ll call and fight with them, if you want—but I can see my breath in here.”

Billy submitted to being bundled down the stairs in untied shoes, his coat on, and his blanket wrapped around it, and Steve loaded the groceries back in, handing Billy the box of tissues.

“So,” Steve asked, as he shifted into reverse. “Noodles or rice? I bought both. We could try both, I guess,” he said, considering, and then realized Billy was trying to cover a laugh, which turned into a racking cough. He sounded like the seals at the zoo.

“I don’t give a shit,” he said, finally, when he could talk.

All my Harringrove fic!

[osakaso5]

Halloween Event Story

~Fluffy Blast Racing~ Chapter 5: Provocation

Chapter Index

Toma: Ow...

Haruka: I'm... not dead..?

Torao: Is this the colony..?

Minami: ...It's so dusty.

Toma: This is the Mecca of racing..? Sure doesn't look like it...

Red Cotton: <We're sorry to disappoint you, but this is indeed our planet, Desert Colony.> 

Pssh...

Torao: Is this noise coming from that engine..?

Haruka: There's tools and parts lying around. If we fix it, it should work again...

Green Cotton: <This is all the dusts' doing. This town was once prosperous and full of racers.>

Minami: ...It's a shadow of its former self.

Toma: Ah, hey, who's that over there?

???: !!!

Haruka: They... kinda look like us, don't they..?

Minami: You're right...

Beige Cotton: <It seems we were right.>

Torao: Right about what?

Brown Cotton: <When you fused with us and became fluffs, they turned into evil fluffs, or "eviluffs".>

Brown Cotton: <They did something similar the last time we cottons joined forces with Earthlings...>

Minami: But who did they fuse with?

Beige Cotton: <With your negative impulses.>

Haruka: Our negative impulses..? What's that supposed to mean?

Green Cotton: <Do you ever get the urge to do something bad?>

Green Cotton: <Like eating all the candy that you're supposed to share with others.>

Haruka: ........

Beige Cotton: <Or letting your ego get the best of you.>

Minami, Toma, & Torao: ........

Red Cotton: <Even if you don't act on them, your negative impulses will linger in the air.>

Red Cotton: <Those impulses must be what the dusts have now fused with.>

Toma: So that's our negative feelings, basically...

Haruka Eviluff: Iii... i! Poi. <This driver's useless, luff! And I don't need this spanner either, luff!>

Haruka: Ah, that one's just throwing all his tools away..!

Toma Eviluff: Iii! Garigari, bechabecha. <I've scratched up this car, luff! Time to paint it a really gross color, luff!>

Toma: He's scratching the paint..! And now he's gonna replace it with something nasty..!?

Torao: Hey, look at those ones...

Torao Eviluff: Mii! Mi mii! Puroro, puroro! <Move it, luff! This is our street, luff!>

Torao: His driving's too fast and dangerous. He's gonna cause an accident if he doesn't stop soon.

Minami: And the other one is throwing thumbtacks all over the ground.

Minami Eviluff: Nana! Nanaa! Jarijari, poi. <These will pop all their tires, luff!>

Minami: They're violent to the extreme...

Torao: They're even jumping on the hood, without a care in the world.  

Toma: ...Enough is enough! I'm gonna stop them!

Toma: Hey, eviluffs! Cut it out! There's no reason for you to do that!

Toma Eviluff: Iii..!? ...Iiii!

Haruka Eviluff: Iii! ...Iiiii!

Haruka Eviluff: Shut up, luff! We're not gonna listen to you noobs, luff!

Haruka: Huh? Who are you calling a noob?

Toma Eviluff: We ain't got time for you small fry, luff!

Minami Eviluff: These eviluff forms are so convenient, luff! We can use them to do so much bad stuff, luff!

Torao Eviluff: Stop getting in the way of our chaos, luff! Go home, losers!

Minami: They don't seem to be taking us seriously. They can't seriously expect us to be provoked by that, do they?

Toma: Just you wait, eviluffs! We'll kick your asses!

Haruka: Hmph! We'll pulverize you!

Torao: Well, some of us clearly got provoked.

Minami: Goodness...

Minami: If we challenge them now, we're likely to end up losing miserably.

Torao: Haha. That's true, but maybe getting right in their face will actually work.

Toma Eviluff: You aren't gonna obey, luff?

Toma: Nope, and we'll beat you in the next car race!

Toma: When we do, you'll have to stop doing bad stuff and listen to us!

Haruka Eviluff: No way are we gonna lose, luff! You idiots, luff!

Torao Eviluff: When we're done with you, you'll be the laughingstocks of the whole galaxy, luff!

Minami Eviluff: Go ahead, make a fool out of yourselves by racing with a crappy car, luff!

Minami: Hehe, hehehe... A crappy car, you say? You really don't know who you're talking to.

Haruka: Minami's... laughing...

Toma: Oh, looks like we're not the only ones who got worked up!

Minami: I suppose we'll just have to crush them thoroughly.

Toma: Uh, sure... You do realize we just gotta make them stop, right..?

Haruka: Remind me not to piss Minami off like, ever...

Torao: How much time do we have before the race?

Brown Cotton: <The preliminaries begin tomorrow. Teams that win the preliminaries can race in the finals.>

Brown Cotton: <We will have to race by next sundown.>

Torao: That's less than I thought. We don't have time to make a car from scratch.

Torao: We'll have to fix up one of the wrecked ones...

Minami: Yes, that sounds like the best course of action. If all of us work together, we can repair a car more quickly.

Toma: Okay, me and Torao will find working parts.

Torao: Yep.

Haruka: We'll design the car.

Minami: Yes. Let's get started. 

To be continued...

[internetdetectives]

11/30/19 - PM with Erika

Xenquility 12:01 PM: "If you're uncomfortable saying your theory in the discord, think you could say them here?”

Erika_XP💚 12:01 PM: ((Erika sends and deletes a message about having a dream where Tyler is chasing her while having discolored eyes))

Xenquility 12:01 PM: "A dream about Tyler chasing you?”

Xenquility 12:01 PM: "I missed the part about his eyes”

Xenquility 12:01 PM: "Trust me, don't disregard your dreams”

Erika_XP💚 12:01 PM: ((Erika sends and deletes multiple unknown messages))

Erika_XP💚 12:50 PM: "I will show you one secret thing but you have to make a promise”

Xenquility 12:51 PM: "A promise?”

Erika_XP💚 12:52 PM: "do you remember what I need to have in order to speak better?”

Xenquility 12:53 PM: "I'm not entirely sure”

Xenquility 12:53 PM: "Could you remind me?”

Xenquility 12:52 PM: "Is it something I can find on the discord or has it been deleted?”

Erika_XP💚 12:57 PM: "It was”

Xenquility 12:58 PM: ""It was" as in it's no longer there?”

Xenquility 12:58 PM: "I'm not exactly sure what you mean”

Erika_XP💚 1:00 PM: "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCCyoocDxBA”

Erika_XP💚 1:00 PM: "emo boi gerard took my words away with his first line >///> 

Erika_XP💚 1:01 PM: "I have always avoided saying anything un important when I can”

Erika_XP💚 1:01 PM: "its a good habbit”

Erika_XP💚 1:01 PM: "My mum taught me its the best way not to go looney XD”

Xenquility 1:03 PM: "I can see where she's coming from but this conversation seemed pretty important”

Xenquility 1:03 PM: "You never told me the promise”

Erika_XP💚 1:04 PM: "I already told you everything you need to know ^^;” 

Erika_XP💚 1:04 PM: “IIIhelpIII”

Xenquility 1:05 PM: "Shit”

Xenquility 1:05 PM: "Don't fucking die”

Xenquility 1:05 PM: "Do you need the song?”

Erika_XP💚 1:08 PM: ""Why cant we just be friends" its not that easy but its half of the fun WHEN YOU THROW THE FIRST PUNCH X3”

Erika_XP💚 1:08 PM: "I have plenty of good music I am listening to right now actually ^^”

Erika_XP💚 1:08 PM: "https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/639176086961389614/650399984751214606/Screenshot_144.png“

Xenquility 1:10 PM: "https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/639176086961389614/650399984751214606/Screenshot_144.png”

Xenquility 1:10 PM: "You good?”

Erika_XP💚 1:11 PM: "PLEASE DELETE THAT I THINK HE IS LOOKING”

Erika_XP💚 1:11 PM: "SHHHHHHHH”

((IIIII begins counting up in the main discord, and stops when the screenshot is deleted))

Erika_XP💚 1:24 PM: "I dont think he liked my snog but I dont think he knew what I meant either thankfully ^^”

Xenquility 1:26 PM: "Oh also I've got a question”

Xenquility 1:26 PM: "Have you editted your tribute video at all?”

Erika_XP💚 1:31 PM: "OWO I have been working REALLY hard on a new one”

Erika_XP💚 1:31 PM: "I have been listening to a lot of new music lately that feels like it talks so much about Tyler and his friends and his life”

Xenquility 1:33 PM: "Do you know anything about that white figure we kept seeing?”

Erika_XP💚 1:39 PM: "I remember you asking me something else but then i had a spook moment and i had to run a lil”

Erika_XP💚 1:39 PM: "https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/639176086961389614/650399984751214606/Screenshot_144.png”

Erika_XP💚 1:58 PM: "ok this is the most clear I think I can be with you here you. I have to be careful not to show the wrong colours.”

Erika_XP💚 1:58 PM: "https://youtu.be/Twp8XL0xzr0?t=71”

Erika_XP💚 1:58 PM: "When was the time? Why not search it?”

Erika_XP💚 1:58 PM: "111”

Erika_XP💚 3:33 PM: "https://youtu.be/A7P40vNkVr4?t=191”

Erika_XP💚 3:33 PM: "remember what we talked about before?”

Erika_XP💚 3:33 PM: "Sorry I was spacing out I am still pretty far away from home and I thnk its probably because I got myself turned around for a sec while jogging, ooops ^^;”

Xenquility 3:36 PM: "I don't recall the exact context of that question actually”

Erika_XP💚Last Saturday at 3:37 PM: "thats ok I have to disapear for a bit, I think you will figure it out”

Xenquility 3:37 PM: "Wait”

Xenquility 3:37 PM: "Don't leave for a minute”

Xenquility 3:37 PM: "We have something”

Xenquility 3:37 PM: "For you specifically”

Erika_XP💚 3:37 PM: "hm?”

Erika_XP💚 3:37 PM: "Oh boy a present of some kind? >w>”

Xenquility 3:38 PM: "Indeed

Xenquility 3:38 PM: ((The player Xenquility submits the New Wave Bossa Nova))

Xenquility 3:38 PM: "Enjoy

Xenquility 3:38 PM: "Hello?

Erika_XP💚 3:43 PM: "I will now say rather plainly, would you kindly find for me a place I can disclose things without the prying eyes of one whom is possesed.”

[andrewmoocow]

Gravity Soul chapter 7: The Excalibur Filler, Are We All Fools? (originally posted on April 21, 2018)

AN: Last time on Gravity Soul, our heroes begin their search for Pacifica but suddenly an old enemy of Maka and company makes her dastardly debut! After a hard-fought battle, Medusa splits the team apart and sends them tumbling towards different parts of the forest. The team consisting of the Stan twins, Wendy, Death the Kid and his Demon Weapons the Thompsons find themselves upon a particular cave where they meet a certain annoying Holy Sword. Hilarity ensues. 6-15-15-12-19!

"Ugh my head, where are we?" Stan groaned rubbing his head as he got up from his fall. "Anyone okay here? Use the hand signal if yes!" Suddenly Ford rose up shaking his head as well. "Now what was that signal again?" the scientist wondered. "Oh, I know!" Patty cried getting up. Rather than making an OK symbol, she clapped her hands, formed her hand into a peace symbol, then into an OK symbol before putting it over her eyes. "I think that was the "I can see your underwear" one." "Dammit, be serious everyone!" Ford exclaimed in frustration. "No egghead, she's right. Your underwear is showing!" Liz stated pointing to his pants, in which they began to drop down a bit. "Oh my goodness, thanks for the heads up!" Ford hastily pulled them up and secured them with his belt. "Now where are we?" "I think we're somewhere near a cave." Wendy guessed pointing at one hidden behind a waterfall and a few bushes here and there. Although it did look gorgeous, there was still the task at hand. "Do you think it might lead us to something useful?" Death the Kid asked examining the cave entrance. "I dunno, let's get in there!" Stan began marching into the cave with the others following close behind, except for Kid who was clinging onto a nearby tree branch. "Hey, this is no time to climb up trees!" "No, I simply refuse to walk into that cave. I'll get wet." Kid stated continuing to grab onto the branch. "Okay then, climb onto my back." Wendy offered. The young shinigami complied leaping down and jumping onto the redhead's back before they finally proceeded. "I have a bad feeling about this." he said.

Traversing further into the cave, the team felt an air of mystery surround them as if something fantastic would await them. But Kid on the other hand felt a heavy amount of deja vu smack him in the face as he watched the fairies fly about. "Something seems awfully familiar about this cave." he mused trying his hardest not to fall off of Wendy. "Almost like we are in for a world of pure obnoxiousness." "Oh please Stripes, I got enough of that from Gideon last summer." Stan sneered smacking a fairy onto his back. "But we seem to be close, these winged things seem to be spreading." Suddenly one fairy flew before them with a benign expression on her face. "Greetings travelers, what happens to bring you here?" "Yeah Crysta, you know where we can find something that can help us kill a merged monstrosity?" Wendy asked. The fairy's face then contorted before them, her eyes darting to one side, gritted teeth showing, her nose completely vanishing only leaving behind the nostrils and wrinkles appearing all over before she flew away in a hurry. "Wait a minute Kid, didn't you and Black Star make that face before?" Ford asked Kid, who was now frozen in fear. "Oh no, not him! Anyone but him again!" he began panicking before making his decision. "That is it, we are leaving right now!" He then leaped off of Wendy not even caring about getting wet and stomped back towards the cave entrance before Stan grabbed him by the shirt collar. "Oh no you don't squirt, you're coming with us whether you like it or not!" he yelled dragging him through the water while Liz and Patty led the way. "I already told you I'd get wet!" the symmetry-obsessed boy cried. "Who cares, we are finding this whatsit and getting outta here!" Finally making it to a domed chamber with a small stone platform in the middle and a sword implanted in it, Stan immediately got excited. "Neato, a sword! We could definitely use one of these!" he cried walking onto the platform and pulling on the weapon. "Good grief this is tough! Someone give me a lift here!" he called before Ford stepped up and grabbed the handle of the sword as well. "Now what could a sword be doing here?" "Yo when you get that out, can I have it as a souvenir?" Wendy asked. "No Wendy, no one's taking it as a souvenir unless you value your sanity!" Kid shouted pointing at her before trying to make a mad dash for the brothers. "DOOOO-OOOON'T PUUUU-UUULL IIIII-IIITTTT!" But he was too late. Stan and Ford finally pulled the sword free and it shone heavenly upon them. "CONGRATULATIONS TRAVELERS! I AM EXCALIBUR, THE GREATEST AND MOST STRONGEST WEAPON OF ALL!" a voice boomed for everyone to hear. "AS A REWARD FOR PULLING ME FROM THE STONE, I SHALL NAME ONE OF YOU MY NEW MEISTER!" The light descended upon the twins and gave way to reveal a small white creature standing before them. The creature had no mouth to speak of, his only facial features being a rather long nose and a pair of eyes staring blankly at the Pines. He wore a white top hat on his head with a matching frilled ruff & jacket and held a cane in his non-existent hand. "That's it, this is Excalibur?! Kinda expected him to be taller!" Stan commented trying to hold back laughter while his brother gazed in awe. "I cannot believe it, the sword of King Arthur himself, and we pulled it out of the stone!" "FOOL!" Excalibur shouted spooking the twins. "Why yes, I am indeed Excalibur, the strongest weapon in the world formerly wielded by King Arthur. And I see you've brought an old friend too." He then turned his gaze to Kid, already cringing at the sight of him. "Please Excalibur, I insist that I interview you!" Ford exclaimed dropping to his knees in excitement. "I want all the details, like Merlin, the Knights of the Round Table, the Holy Grail-" "FOOL! You're asking too much sir." the sword stated smacking Ford with his cane, making his nose jiggle. "So what makes you so afraid of him Kid? Other than actually being pretty rude." Wendy asked. "He must have some kind of latent power to incite anger in those he comes across!" Kid deduced pounding his fist into his palm. "Plus, he is of course disgustingly obnoxious. But I don't know what he is doing here, he's supposed to be in the Eternal Cave." "Why this is my summer home, it is very nice this time of year." Excalibur stated spinning around in a circle. "Now then my six-fingered muchacho, you said you wanted to hear my story?" he asked pointing his cane at Ford. "Why yes! Please tell us sir." Ford sat down on the platform and began listening intently to the sword's tale while the others did their own thing. "My legend dates back to the 12th century. It began on an intensely hot midsummer's day. Wait, it was a chilly autumn's day..."

"Grunkle Stan, Ford, Wendy, Kid! Where are you?" Dipper called for the aforementioned people as he, Mabel, Waddles, Maka, Soul and Crona scoured the forest for them. "They couldn't have gone far. We gotta get them back before we can continue on to Kishin Cipher." Maka declared. "Yeah but at this rate, what chance do we have? I mean, we've seen how strong Medusa's gotten thanks to him!" Soul replied. "Chances are whatever else he's gonna throw at us is gonna waste our asses!" "Don't say that Soul," Crona said. "even if the odds are against us, I know we can win in the end." he said before Ragnarok interjected. "Now that's my boy! You've grown much braver!" he shouted harshly rubbing his head. "Hey, stop it Ragnarok!" "But how can we contact anyone else now? She destroyed our flashlight and now we're separated from the others." Mabel wondered before she suddenly got an idea. "Wait, I think I have a sweater for that!" She took off her current shooting star sweater before swapping it with a lightbulb design that actually functioned as a light source when she pressed it. "Wow, that's really efficient!" Maka exclaimed. "Though don't you think it might become a fire hazard?" "No, it's a fun hazard." Mabel boldly declared. "Now let's get the band back together!" She raced off deeper into the woods before the others followed in hot pursuit. "We're coming guys!"

In another dark part of the forest, Soos, Melody, McGucket and Stein were trying to find a way out while Spirit panicked for his daughter. "Oh what am I going to do?! What if my little Maka is hurt or even dead?! This forest is just so dangerous, there could be predators or criminals out here!" Suddenly his worrying was silenced by Blair. "Oh don't worry big guy, I'm sure Maka's group is fine!" the sexy Monster Cat assured him. "Besides, she's still super strong!" "Oh thanks Blair." Spirit gratefully thanked her. "By the way, why were you so quiet lately?" he asked. "I dunno, I just couldn't find the right thing to say." Meanwhile Soos and Stein were trying to contact the others. "So what do you suppose we do doc?" the former handyman asked. "Why don't we just use the flashlight?" Melody suggested. "That is a great idea Ms. Melody. In fact, I'll try it right now." Stein pulled out the tool and turned it on for about a few seconds before it suddenly flickered out and died. "What the?!" "Sorry 'bout that dude, but if it makes you feel any better I packed spare batteries!" Soos tried to cheer him up by sifting through his backpack but finding no spares. "Oh right, I used up most of them for my radio." He pulled out a radio and turned on some music. "Am I blanchin'? Girl we blanchin'! I live up in a mansion!" "That actually is quite catchy, but let us not distract ourselves." Stein stated. "I suggest we sit here and wait until someone finds us." Just as he spoke, they spotted a faint light in the distance, which upon further inspection turned out to come from a sweater Mabel was wearing as Dipper, Maka, Soul, Crona and Waddles followed her. "Soos, Dr. Stein!" "Dudes! You're safe!" Soos cried scooping the twins in his arms. "Thought we lost you there." he said before Melody joined in on the hug and Blair glomped Soul. "I've missed you too Soul! I was worried you were hurt something fierce or-" "MAKA CHOP!" Maka screamed slapping Soul silly. "Okay, enough stalling. Now we need to find the others and proceed on our mission." Dipper stated. "Let's move out everyone!" With that, the nearly reassembled crew set off to find the other members.

"The one thousand provisions of the Holy Sword Excalibur. #618. When ordering food at a restaurant, always ask for many plates of breadsticks." Team Stan and Excalibur were now sitting at a fancy restaurant calmly waiting for their waiter to arrive. "So you brought us here to this place just so you can get some breadsticks?" Stan asked before the stereotypically French waiter arrived at their table. "Allo allo allo, vat can I get you?" "Okay, I'll have some linguini with a side of tea, Earl Grey, hot." Ford stated. "My scoundrel of a brother here will take some ratatouille. Our dark-haired companion and his fair maidens shall have the escargot, symmetrical of course and finally Ms. Corduroy will have the beef bourguignon." "Anything else mousier?" the waiter asked jotting down their order. "No, I think that's it." Wendy said before Excalibur hit her with his cane. "FOOL! You forgot one thing." he declared. "All right fine. The little guy here will take some breadsticks." "Make that 20 plates of breadsticks garcon." the Holy Sword added. "Mon dieu, that many?!" the waiter gasped. "Oh well, I shall make a note of it." He walked away leaving the patrons at their table. "Seriously, twenty breadsticks? Isn't that a little excessive?" Liz asked before she got a cane to the face. "FOOL! Nothing is too excessive." "I don't want to know what the bill will be like." Kid deadpanned. "Once they come with it, I suggest we say thanks for the food then run for it." Stan suggested. "#202. I can only accept the grandest of toilets." "Are you done yet Excalibur?! Other people need to go too!" Stan cried pounding on the door of a large duck where the sword did his business. "In fact, how can a guy like him go to the john when he doesn't have a hoo-ha or uh-oh?" "I can't take it anymore Grunkle Stan! I have to go now!" Dipper cried behind him doing a potty dance. "Just go behind a tree kid, simple as that!" "I get he wants his privacy," Ford stated standing before the duck. "but isn't this a bit much?" As it turned out, the duck had taken up a small part of Gravity Falls. "#75, Excalibur's birthday, which is everyday by the way, shall be celebrated in grand style." "Wait, everyday?! You must be like really old then!" Wendy exclaimed. "So what kind of cake do you prefer?" Stan asked looking over a catalogue of confectionary treats. "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, banana, carrot, coconut, devil's food-" Suddenly Excalibur cut him off. "All of the above! It is my birthday after all."

"Black Star? Tsubaki?" Dipper called out for the ninja and his weapon. "Gideon?! Where are you guys?!" "Should we search for Stan and Kid first?" McGucket inquired crawling behind them. "You know, you've got a good point McG. Why don't we find them first?" Mabel responded. "We'll save them for last. Right now we need to get Team #4 back." Dipper stated. "Yeah but aren't we going out of order? Three comes before four y'know." Soos added. "Ditto." Soul replied. "Okay, change of plans. We'll find Stan, Ford and Kid first then Black Star and Gideon." the boy changed his mind and looked onward. "But where could they be?" Suddenly they heard a faint voice singing. "Excalibur, Excalibur! From the United King, I'm looking for heaven, I'm going to California!" the voice crooned. "What is that?" Maka wondered. "I think I know that voice from anywhere." Stein announced before his face distorted in disgust. "It's Excalibur." "Wait, the Excalibur?! As in King Arthur's sword?!" Dipper exclaimed cheerfully. "Please, I have got to see it in person, I just have to!" Just then, Stein simply commanded him to stop talking. "I admire your enthusiasm Dipper, but just so you know Excalibur can be very abrasive which explains why he doesn't have too many Meisters." "Yeah I have to agree dude, that face he made really gives me a bad feeling about this." Soos agreed with the strongest Meister before attempting to imitate the Excalibur face. "Y'know for some reason I can't make it myself." he stated. "Well we got no time to waste, let's find the others and get back on track!" Melody declared walking away from the group before the others followed her.

"#452, attendance of my five-hour story telling party is absolutely mandatory." Every character that has and will eventually appear in this story were now gathered around Excalibur while he told a story that went on for quite a while. As he continued narrating, the audience grew smaller over time until only Ford and Dipper were left. "That is all!" the sword declared to his two-man audience applauding his tale.

"Now if I were a wrinkly old man in a dark forest, where would I be?" Gideon pondered as he, Ghost Eyes, Black Star and Tsubaki searched the woods for the rest of the Mystery Meisters. "Probably taking a whiz, what else?" Black Star answered. "Or perhaps he just gave up and went back to the Shack." Ghost Eyes added. "I don't really think so guys. Mr. Pines may be old, but he most certainly isn't a quitter." Tsubaki disagreed with them. "Besides, did you see how he fought Medusa?! And he's only like fifty-something years old!" "Yep, a fifty-something year old man who found a way to ruin my reputation last summer." Gideon snarked before he pulled out their flashlight and flickered it twice to signal help. Suddenly it began to give out and finally died. "Uh, did we pack any batteries?" "Actually, I think Soos used up most of them." Black Star guessed before he randomly bumped straight into Soul, who was already with the twins, Maka and Crona. "Wait, Soul?!" he exclaimed staring at his friend. "Black Star?" "SOUL!" Black Star cried as the two ran towards each other with tears in their eyes and cherry blossom petals flying around before hugging tightly, still crying. "I thought you were a goner bro!" the last of the Star Clan sobbed. "Me too buddy!" Suddenly, the two of them were shot in the head by none other than Death the Kid. "Oops, finger slipped again. My mistake." "Kid? Then that must mean..." Mabel gasped before her great uncles and Wendy came into view behind him. "Hey kids, sorry it took so long." Stan nervously apologized before Dipper and Mabel rushed into their arms. "We were worried sick, where were you two?" the alpha twin asked. "Well we found this cave that had all these little fairies and this little annoying thing in a hat." Stan replied. "Oh look, here he comes now!" "Wait, little annoying thing in a hat? Oh no!" Black Star panicked before he found none other than Excalibur stepping out of the night shadows of the forest. "Long time no see!" the sword benignly greeted the party. "OH HELL NOOOOO!" Black Star screamed at the top of his lungs, echoing throughout the forest before Tsubaki stuck her hand over her partner's mouth. "Be quiet Black Star, Kishin Cipher could still be watching us." "So why did you bring him with you?!" Black Star demanded incredulously removing his weapon's hand and glaring at Black Star. "FOOL!" Excalibur shouted as usual. "Why it's actually the other way around. In exchange for learning my 1000 provisions, I would help your companions find you guys and here we are." "I can't believe it, the very Excalibur wielded by King Arthur! I have like a jillion questions for you!" Dipper exclaimed getting incredibly excited before he finally collapsed. "Hey Dipper, you all right?" Wendy asked waking him up. "Oh I'm fine Wendy. So how was meeting Excalibur." And that was when she, Stan, Ford and Kid all made the Excalibur face. "Painful." they answered. "And I guess we're pretty much stuck with him." Liz added transforming back into her human form. "And trust me, I've dealt with Patty's childishness and Kid's disorders to know how to survive this." "No time to waste everyone, let's find Pacifica!" Patty shouted transforming as well and pointing onward. "Yes, follow me everyone!" Excalibur exclaimed letting his cane lead the way. "For your information Excalibur, Dipper and I are supposed to be the leaders." Maka stated before she got a whack to the head from the Holy Sword. "FOOL! I actually know this town from top to bottom for some reason, so let me be the leader." As the Mystery Meisters dreadfully followed the Holy Sword onward to the former Northwest Mansion, a wolflike creature with a frog perched on its head watched them from behind a tree, its left eye glowing a hellish red and fangs showing as it snarled.

"Master Kishin Cipher, the enemy has now been led astray. There is no doubt your master plan will go uninterrupted." Medusa reported back to a large sack hanging under the hole in the roof before a crystal ball appeared from out of nowhere and showed the Mystery Meisters now reunited and on their way. "I greatly apologize for failing you oh great God of Weirdness and Madness, please tell me what I should do to redeem myself." There was dead silence until Kishin Cipher telepathically installed a new order within the witch's mind. "Understood." she accepted and walked over to the now lowered cage containing Pacifica Northwest. "Wake up little one." The former rich girl awoken and rubbed her eyes to find the witch towering over her with a cold frown on her face. "W-what are you going to do with me?" she whimpered curling up into a ball and trying to scoot away from her. "Why it's simple Llama," Medusa answered, her stoic expression turning into a manic grin. "we're going to prepare you.”

And that was Chapter 7, the aptly named Excalibur chapter! Just what is Medusa going to prepare Pacifica for and will our brave band of heroes save her in time while surviving Excalibur?! Find out on the next chapter of Gravity Soul! Review or I'll take your soul.

[cosmosogler]

iiiii want to die.

after my shower and my little tirade here this morning i contacted uic and florida for some stuff. i tried to be professional and friendly. but i probably did it wrong.

i had some lunch. it was mac and cheese. i ate less than half of it. i fished up three bottle caps in twenty minutes. i was very suspicious that my game’s rng was acting up again, but i was able to finish hyper training like six guys. so i guess i did something today.

after that i went to pick up asher. i took a look at his room and we talked about the texture of his ceiling. i always enjoy our conversations. the car ride home was basically “traffic tetris” but i tried my best to keep track of the topic. when we got home we talked about jojo and other shows and stuff. dad came in and pointed at the dishwasher. i said “that’s not a request, use your words.” he pointed at it again. then he left. 

i guess i sensed there would be some trouble? i underestimated him though. that was a mistake. like, a big one. i always downplay how mean he can be because mom is so much more consistently an asshole.

anyway asher and i took wiley for a walk. it took forever because we used a route i had not taken wiley on yet and he thought everything was literally amazing. almost every bush had to be fully inspected. asher saw my bug bites and said some sympathetic stuff. they are not nearly as itchy today, but they have been sore and still kinda swollen.

after that i rambled about video games while asher set up his schedule for the next few days. he’s going to be super busy. then mom came home and threw money at me and told me to get out because she didn’t want to make me dinner. we don’t really have anything i could have eaten anyway besides, like, instant mashed potatoes. or worse, frozen brussels sprouts. oh yeah, the freezer didn’t close and a bunch of meat thawed. i didn’t really care about that though. but i think the brussels sprouts are also toast.

mom zeroed in on deadnaming asher again immediately upon arriving home. i was glad to get out of the house. we went to indian food again because i am weak. the waiter recognized us and said hi to me. asher said he might “like” me. later i laughed about it and said “imagine the scandal, me dating someone who doesn’t have an american accent.” mom’s head would explode.

then i took asher home and went back to my house and didn’t get into uic. wasn’t even close, they gave me the priority ranking. they told me my gre score was pretty bad. i figured as much. “best in class” is relative. i thanked them for their time and for letting me know. 

guess i’m going to florida.

i was bombarding asher with messages about super paper mario when dad got home. i was expecting him to be annoyed, but like, to eventually ask me to do the chore like a normal person? to treat me like i’m alive and not some dishes-doing slave who is at his beck and call? he took up my whole doorway. he basically grounded me. he got real physically intimidating, leaning forward over me and pointing. i said he never asked me to do it and i had told him to use his words. he said i am not allowed to use any more dishes until i put away the clean ones. and if he does it before me, then i will really be in trouble. i do not doubt that he will break our plates if he sees me using any.

after he left i had a huge burning headache and my blood pressure rocketed. and i got super nauseous. and then i started crying like a lot. 

really seriously all i wanted was for him to ask me to do chores politely. i would have done it right then. i would have done it right after he got home too. it wasn’t a big deal. he made it a big deal. right?

i feel like a retard for crying big fat stupid tears because someone was ~meeeean~ to me. of all the things to have a panic attack over this was probably not the one i should have picked. i wish i was dead and then i feel stupid because it’s emptying the dishwasher. it takes less than five minutes. it would feel wrong to do it now though. but i am terrified to not do it. he can make my life miserable if he wants. he could easily break my computer. all he’d have to do is throw it down the stairs. or take it outside and smash it with a hammer like the old computer. i wouldn’t be able to stop him. he could stop letting me use the car. i wouldn’t be able to see asher any more. he could hurt the dog. or take one of the dogs to be put down and not tell me. he could wake me up every five minutes tonight until i do it. he don’t go to bed for two more hours yet. he could just throw my dishes on the floor every time he sees me using one for the next week. he could hit me like that one time. and he’s a bodybuilder.

the worst part is that i can easily see him doing most of those things. and he totally would. 

i guess i should do it now... i don’t know what i was trying to prove. i didn’t think he would react like this. i should have known better. i still want to throw up or die or both though. maybe he’ll throw me down the stairs instead. that would break me too.

[veeneedstovent]

My love, ...

Before I start anything - before we get into it - I want to be clear. I love you a lot, and I didn’t always know what I’m about to tell you. but I want our relationship as a couple to last as long as possible. When we first started talking up until before I asked you to be my boyfriend, my feelings were gradually growing and intensifying for you, but I kept telling myself we wouldn’t last. It was a way of protecting myself in the event you’d leave my life without warning. Things are flipped now. Just to throw it out there, I don’t see marriage in the future, I’m just not thinking about that yet. But I do want to be with you for as long as possible, for a long long long time. I know it comes in steps but I want to introduce you to my parents, introduce you to my friends, spend holidays with you, and celebrate you whenever I can.

To me, a relationship means growing together and genuinely wanting to adapt to each other. This truly does NOT mean making rules and changing core characteristics or traits or habits (for example if i told you to stop thinking the office is funny, stop drinking coffee, or stop eating ramen) but, to me, it DOES mean learning how to simply BE around each other and bend about things that really matter to each other.

What do you think - is your definition of a relationship the same and where do you want this going?

1) I’m actively making an effort to understand you and please correct me if I’m getting something twisted bc I really want to understand, ...I know you don’t have bad intentions and didn’t mean to do harm when you said “it wasn’t judgy” that moment with the 29 rooms guy (my answer to “what would u tell ur younger self” was “tell your parents more and confide in them bc they can rly help you out with some tough stuff”), but do you think you can please try to see where I’m coming from when I say it isn’t about what you said, but how IIIII hear it, and the feelings i have that stem off of it. I felt my feelings being invalidated. i know it’s not your intention but the times when i feel my feelings ARE being validated, and you say something like “oh yeah you’re right you’re right keep going”, i hear it as if you’re seeing the situation as a “who is right and who is wrong”. i’m not okay with that because at the end of the day i know what i felt. My feelings are always valid, and i need that to be cared for and respected.

back to the situation with the 29 rooms guy, I wasn’t able to tell you that besides saying WOAH WOAH WOAH ...he also side-eyed me, nervous chuckled and i totally felt judged. I understand it’s frustrating for you and you feel I try to look for fights every time we chill. I’m really sorry, I never mean to make you feel like that, and I never want you to feel like this again. (i know EXACTLY how this feels and i can go into that later) I know that I don’t have to bring up every little thing that irks me, and I will try not to from here on out, but the things that I feel truly matter enough to me, should be brought up. I was hurt because I felt you were quick to shut me out bc I was “acting up” but I wish you’d give me the benefit of the doubt and hear me out.

Please never feel bad/sorry for bringing up your feelings with me and never apologize for it. I want to hear you out and reach a common ground. It literally takes you and me to make us and we are in this entire thing together. I really hope you can tell me the same and mean it. - My feelings are always always always valid and I need you to respect that and just believe that.

2) I’m NOT coming at you, and please please correct me if i’m wrong again... I understand you are very frustrated with the fact that it’s hard to make me cum, and that I have not done that yet. I hope you can see my point of view - let me start with saying I definitely enjoy having sex with you at least 50% of the time, at the veryyyyy very least, The other times, truthfully, I do it so you will stay content. It’s really really hard for me to say this, but I have to say it. When I let you fuck me every time I’m not in the mood yet, or when I feel like you might get upset, I feel pressured and a part of me just KNOWS I do it solely so that you will love me enough to stick around or even love me at all. It’s a really hard pill for me to swallow and admit, and it’s so scary bc I feel I have 0 control over it. and again, I’m NOT trying at all to stir things up, but sort of going off a similar tangent, regarding what happened monday night, i just need you to know that it really hurt me that you turned away and would have been able to sleep it off when you got frustrated/disappointed I didn’t cum.

From my perspective, it was a positive moment - we both want the same thing - or so i thought - and practice is the only way to get there.

Still, the whole thing really hurts me bc I feel you were quick to shut me out and again didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt - you said i’m making you “jump thru hoops” to have sex with me. in reality, i’m NOT saying if you can’t make me cum, we can’t have sex. I AM saying please try to make me cum because i want to feel more connected with you, and i know you have potential, you just need to learn my body, and that takes practice so please practice, and if it doesn’t happen right here right now i know it’d not the end of the world at all! i will def still have sex with you bc usually it’s something i truly enjoy. So the entire situation felt turned against me, I found myself apologizing bc I truly felt it was my fault and I let you have sex with me in order to prove to you that i actually DID want to have sex in the first place. having sex with you was in fact something i wanted, however, if you would’ve just heard me out and given me the benefit of the doubt, the sex would’ve been so much more meaningful.

3) On monday when I got home I felt incredibly empty and depressed, i needed to talk to someone. it was like 3 pm and that’s when i was thinking about all i just told you about. I was just trying to put my thoughts together...and when i finally did, and when I realized what I told you about my reason for letting you have sex with me on demand, For the first time in my life I had an anxiety attack. I started crying and I got really loud. I was full on sobbing and I was breathing really fast and I felt my hands get numb and tingly. It lasted a full moment. After that, I knew I couldn’t be alone. I called Joudi and she really calmed me down and was there for me. I was just very emo the entire day after that happened, and not productive at all. So later that night when we were texting and you asked me how my day was, and if i was okay, I felt stuck. I really wanted to answer you but I felt I couldn’t, I wanted to be truthful and not lie and say “same old, you know it was good” because it just really wasn’t. But I also didn’t want to mention it through text because it was so heavy. So I fell asleep and woke up to it still awaiting an answer. That’s when I knew I needed to talk, so at 10 am I texted you “can I call you?”

Yesterday, I was OK - ISHHHH for most of the day. Just wanted to have this conversation with you all day, just naturally couldn’t have a time slot, no one’s fault. I had my trainer at 1 - 2, was with Athena from 4 - 9, we shopped and were gonna watch a movie but I decided I wanted to try to talk with you instead, I tried my best to make it home on time but when I was driving, literally not even 10 min away from my house at like 9:50, I started not to feel right again. I actually had another panic attack while driving. This time my thoughts preceding it were about our relationship at first but then I started thinking about my brother and how terrible things are with him right now. I know any day he can take his own life and I”m soooo sure of that, I see how changed he is, and I was thinking about how close and normal we used to be, and I thought about how I want to live a life where I treat every moment with every loved one I have as if it were the last time I’d see them.

I felt myself swerving and crouching more towards the wheel, my hands got humb again, but I was able to overcome it.

So that’s everything I need you to know, laid out on the table.

That’s how I’ve been.

I love you so much.

- Vanessa