#just. some of the most intense anxiety ive ever felt in my life i dont want to go home for the weekend bc im scared

[peterparkersnose]

Folded

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

word count: 3.4k

warnings: attack description, clicker attack, nightmares, anxiety, wound description, angst, denial of feelings, alcohol mentioned, swearing, mentions and descriptions of gun use, near death experience (if u can’t handle the game don’t read)

HAPPY LAST OF US DAY!!!

a/n ive played tlou 3x and tlou2 2x (going through my second round rn) so shut up pls i dont want any of the ‘you only like joel bc hes pedro’ fr come on ive been playing this game since i was 12. (i’m not like other girls 🥵) jackson joel just does something to me mmmm. wrote this nov 18 ‘22 saved for today

Don’t forget 9PM EST on HBO Max

summary Y/N gets attacked by a clicker during an intense time with Joel

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read time: 12 mins 28 seconds

You could feel the air escaping your lungs at a dangerous rate. The rifle at your side slammed against your thigh as you kept running. The thick forest was just as you remembered it; wet, cold, and dark.

You were outnumbered. Mostly runners, but you spotted a few clickers. The brush on the forest floor wasn’t helping. Your heavy breathing and the sloshing of your boots against the snowy ground were making too much noise.

Where the fuck was Ellie?

3 bullets. Rifle was empty, spent that on some sharp shooting up the hill on some runners you and Ellie found in the town. How stupid were you? Those were an easy kill with a knife. But your childish games on who could get the best headshot left you empty.

Your heart dropped as the rock formation appeared. It was too high. It covered the forest like the earth split into two. That is when you came to terms, and you had to come to it quickly.

You were going to die.

Soon enough, the first runner appeared. Easy kill. One down, maybe 7 to go?

Where the fuck was Ellie?

The next one came. Two down. Three at a time now? A fucking clicker followed them? You wished the brush was tall enough to hide in.

It was useless fighting off three runners at a time with a clicker on their heels. This was it. Death.

The stone wall was cool against your backside. You hugged your knees to your chest as you pulled out your handgun.

At least the clicker would have a good meal.

Shot- one down. Shot- another. The clicker sped up. Shot, wounded but not dead. Quick slice with the knife. Dead.

The shrieking screams of the clicker engulfed your senses as the monster came running at you. It’s flailing arms we’re the last thing you were prepared to see.

You felt the hands on your shoulder. Dead hands of a monster, unspeakable to most. The hands grabbed your shoulders, but no bite came.

Just blinding white noise and a splatter on your face.

You had convinced yourself you were dead. You would never see anyone again. You had died the same death as your father years prior. The death that left you alone.

“Dad?” you managed to mutter out.

The white noise turned into ringing as two hands held your shoulder and shook you.

“Y/N? Y/N please, are you okay?”

Ellie.

“Maria I found her! Here!”

Cloth material wiped over your eyes and they opened. Ellie, splattered with blood stood in front of you with the most panicked look you had ever seen on the girls face.

“Your okay!” she yelled at you, wrapping her arms around you.

Sitting besides you two was the headless clicker that should have killed you.

***

You should be dead. Get this horrible life over with. Dead with your father, with the mother you never knew. Living a life without this disease, these creatures. Free of pain.

When you woke up in the medical wing you were pretty sure almost the whole town was there. You felt like an item on display at a museum. Looking over all the eyes, you most definitely were not searching for his. The whole reason you volunteered to go out with Ellie that day instead of Dina. And of course, he was not there. Why would he be?

“She’s awake!” someone yelled from the crowd. Every eye in the room seemed to fall on you at once. The nurse pushed past the group of people and went to your side.

“For heavens sake! Get out!” the nurse yelled to the group of onlookers. “Give her some goddamn space.” you heard from the crowd as people started to walk towards the exit.

Everyone wanted a look at the girl who survived a clicker attack.

“Hey,” she said, slowly approaching you and sitting on the chair next to your bed. “Ellie!” you exclaimed, embracing the girl tightly. “What happened?” you asked Ellie, releasing your grip on her and settling back into the bed.

The bond had been there since the day you met her. You always remember the look of the scared little girl on the back of Joel’s horse when they first entered Jackson. The bond you two had helped her grow into the person she is now. Ellie had always described you as an older sister. But Ellie was always there for you, and you for her. She was your best friend, platonic soulmate. And a damn good shot.

“I killed it,” she said bluntly. “I-I came at the right time it was about to bite you and- you should have seen it Y/N my shotgun did a number on that thing.”

“A-am I infected?” you asked, looking down at your body for the first time. Your tank top was still on, your jacket was missing. Your jeans were covered in dry blood and smelt of pine needles.

“It’s been three days. You got some pretty nasty scratches though. Sick looking if you ask me. Scars of a warrior.” she added, referring to her tattoo.

And that’s when you saw them. The claw marks were sewn shut on your left shoulder. Your eyes widened as you began to panic. You began to squirm and the pain set in.

“Hey, hey calm down. She took care of you. Best nurse in town, I made sure.” Ellie said, grabbing your good shoulder and stroking your arm to calm you down.

“The doctors said if your vitals stay stable for the next few hours you can go home. Dina and I cleaned up the place for you,” Ellie smiled, stroking a strand of hair behind your ear.

“What have people been saying?” you asked, holding her hand tightly in yours. “That your a hero. You cleared out that building and we found a stash of food that’s going to last for… well, probably a good year. That’s amazing Y/N! They found baby formula for JJ- tons of it. You were right it was the old warehouse.”

A small smile rose to your lips but Ellie could tell what you really wanted to hear about.

What Joel had been saying.

And Joel hasn’t said much. Tommy had told him a brief description in passing of what happened when it was happening. He figured you were dead when they sent out a rescue wagon for you. He even watched as Maria’s horse lead in your body. Ellie was sitting with you in her arms screaming for a nurse, your whole left arm was covered in blood. What was visible of your face was white as a sheet and you weren’t moving. Joel had to silently give up the inkling of what could have been. Hell, you were the first girl who he even considered after his divorce over thirty years ago. It had to end one day and he had to silently agree with it.

“I don’t…” Ellie began, following with a sigh. “Y/N, don’t get yourself worked up over it. It’s not worth it.” Ellie began, knowing her friend too well. “Did he even come and see me?” you asked, looking to Ellie’s eyes. She couldn’t look into yours. She closed her eyes for a quick moment and shook her head. “No,” she whispered.

“Am I a fool?” you asked her. “I’m not sure,” she replied, weary.

The whole reason you went with her instead of Dina was because of Joel. You most definitely could not face him that day after the previous night.

He had knocked on your door a little after nine. He noticed a change in your demeanor today when he came in the room while teaching the some of the kids how to shoot. He wanted to make sure you were okay. Joel felt like he had some responsibility over you to make sure you were always okay because of what happened.

Joel was the one who was with your father when he died.

Sure, he was older than you. You weren’t sure exactly, but he was younger than your father by many years. The attraction from your end started when you saw him drunk off his ass during a celebration dancing with Tommy in the bar. It was the most unconventionally attractive thing, but it flipped some switch in you. When your dad died he taught you how to perfect your aim and kill efficiently. Never crossing any line because you were his dead friend’s daughter. And you were so close to Ellie. Ellie wasn’t too fond of your crush that you confided in her, but she grew to love the idea. Her family.

He came and visited you a little after nine. You were about to slip into bed before you heard the knock on your door. The night was cold and your pajama pants and thin tank top was not cutting it. You invited him inside. He had brought you a tiny gift to lift your mood; a bottle of gin. Your favorite. And you two drank at least half of that bottle of gin. You talked about everything from your father’s death to the time Tommy accidentally washed his clothes with Maria’s pink bra and still has an abundance of pink clothing to this day. The gin was most definitely speaking when you told him how you felt.

And he left.

“Let it go for now- okay? We’re gonna get you out of here and back home.” Ellie reassured you. Nodding your head, you fell back into the cold bed and closed your eyes just wishing it could all go away.

-

Home was empty as it could be. The bottle of gin sat on your coffee table. Your bed was made for the first time in years. Your work station was organized and all of your pens and art supplies were cleaned. You had remembered when Joel gave you those pens, he found them one day and thought of you. Your rifles now hung on your wall. Definitely was Dina’s idea, but you liked it. A tiny gift wrapped in a beige paper with a tiny bit of twine around it sat under your newly mounted rifles.

“Woo hoo. Christmas.” you said to yourself sarcastically. Kneeling down, you opened the package.

Bullets.

For safe keeping, ~Maria

Of course it was from Maria. She always played the mother you never had when she wanted to.

The immense feeling of sleep hit you like a brick wall. I guess being attacked by a clicker and living was a strenuous activity. All you wanted now to do was sleep. Unmaking the nicely folded sheets, you melted back into your bed. The sun was setting in your window and the horses were coming in for the day. You could hear them trotting past your window. You wondered if Joel was just feet away. It was what now… Thursday? You couldn’t remember if he still did the Thursday shift or if he switched with someone else. Who cares, sleep was creeping up slowly and the thought of Joel set you out cold.

The forest was blacker than usual. Without a doubt, you recognized where you were. Running again. All you seemed to do was run now these days. Taking a brief look back while you ran through the forest, you stopped as you realized a whole hoard of clickers were just at your heels. You didn’t have time to react. They were on you ripping your flesh off your body. The dream never seemed to end. You felt each bite and tear of your flesh until-

“Y/N!” Maria screamed, shaking you awake and still being mindful of your wound. “Fuck!” you screamed, sobbing into her arms. “Fuckfuckfuckfuck!” you continued, squirming in bed as she held you.

Your door was wide open and it was now pitch black out. The screams alerted security, and they called for a search of the town. Tommy quickly found the source of the screams and sent Maria in.

Standing outside your door was Tommy, peering in on the sight of his wife with you.

“Gather people. She needs to be watched.” Maria commanded Tommy as she held your shaking body. Too many people had left their homes now to look at the scene and disrupted the peaceful night.

-

Ellie sat with your head in her lap, slowly stroking your hair trying to get you to fall asleep. “Don’t worry. Nobody in this town will let anything happen to you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

The whole previous night you didn’t sleep. You stared at your wall and just thought. And that whole day you delved yourself in drawings you hadn’t finished or poems you had the inspiration for. Took a shower. You looked through your closet and picked out a fresh outfit. You tried all the little things that usually worked on your old self, but your old self was gone.

That bottle of gin sat on your coffee table and haunted you throughout the day as well. You didn’t have the heart to throw it away, or the mindset to drink it. So there it sat. Pitiful.

You were at a loss for words. No words could describe the immense amount of pain re living that memory caused last night.

Ellie began to hum a tune. It was sweet and reminded you of something innocent. Your eyes began to get heavy. “You ready?” she asked, fluffing up your pillow. Reluctantly, you shook your head yes.

The absolute end was there and tiredness finally seeped in. Distraught sleep left and peaceful sleep took its place.

Ellie dimmed your lamp and smoothed the covers on your bed. It reminded you of the time you took care of Ellie years ago when she was sick. “Sweet dreams,” she said, giving your forehead a brief kiss.

Mumbling was heard outside your door, but you didn’t care.

The field was beautiful. Finally, peace. The flowers stemmed beautifully and the sun shown down on your face. Your hands ran through the fresh green grass. Laying in the rays, you suddenly felt the field get smaller. Sitting up, you realized the sun had disappeared and the field was getting smaller and smaller by the second. The sudden edge of a forest was getting closer and closer. And then with one blink you were back. The forest erected around you. You were back.

“No, no…” he heard from your house. Joel’s interest peaked from the grounds left in his coffee mug to the silent struggles in your bedroom. He lifted himself off your porch chair and looked through your window. You were writhing in bed.

“Ellie!” you let out the first yell. It was so loud that it startled Joel to his core and began a flight of panic. Joel didn’t hesitate to burst your door open. “Ellie don’t leave!” you yelled again.

“Hey,” he said softly, patting your shoulder. A loud groan of pain came from your lips. Joel’s heart sank as the feelings on guilt he felt for letting you go on patrol that day set in once again.

“Y/N!” he whisper yelled, yanking your body over to face him. Your eyes shot open. Ripped from the dream into another one.

You looked him up and down. This wasn’t real. It was another dream. Tears welled up in your eyes as you shut them tight, praying you would wake up somewhere else.

“It was a bad dream,” he whispered, resting his hand on your thigh. His thumb patiently rubbed your thigh as your breathing sped up. Your legs matched up perfectly, knees facing him. Your face was buried in your hands that were now grasping at your eyes.

“Stop it,” Joel hissed, grabbing your manic hands tightly. “This isn’t real,” you cried out, sobs following it.

His heart seemed to break into a million pieces when you started to full on cry. The last time he dealt with a crying girl it was Ellie. Wait- no, maybe it was Sarah. He honestly wasn’t sure, but it was most definitely years ago.

“Everything is alright. I know how it is. I-I didn’t sleep for a few days after my first clicker encounter. Those things are nasty fuckers.” he said, his hand returning to your thigh trying to soothe you. He was clueless on what he was supposed to do.

At this point, you realized you weren’t dreaming. He was here. His hand was on your thigh. He was sitting on your bed. You were in a tank top that cut a little too low for your liking.

Your teary eyes looked up and met his. He hadn’t moved his gaze off of your face. He gave you a soft reassuring smile.

Joel cursed himself for letting his feelings creep back in. This was wrong anyways, he felt sick any time he thought about you. The pit of his stomach couldn’t handle it much more, he had pretty much forgotten about you (as much as he would like to admit). But when Tommy assigned him second watch of you that night, he just knew it had trouble written all over it.

“Go back to sleep now. Pretty girls need their beauty sleep.” he said, instantly regretting it.

That line worked on Sarah, but in a whole different way with a much different meaning. He wanted to suck back in the words as fast as he said them.

Letting a tense breathe go, he steadied himself on your bed frame and made his way to the door.

He had made his way to the door as you spoke.

“Joel?”

His hand stopped his motion as it rested on the top of your door frame.

“Yeah?” he asked, turning around.

“W-will you stay? Just for a little bit.” you said, stuttering as you realized how large his body was compared to your door.

He paused. “I suppose.”

You moved your legs so he would have enough room to sit next to you. You heard his knee crack as he sat down on the low rise bed. His legs sat upward as he leant a hand behind your legs to steady himself.

“I’m sorry.” you said. It had to be said, what better time than now? “I don’t want to hear your apologies.” he huffed. “It was inappropriate.” you spit out again. “No- Y/N, stop. Please.” he asked. “You need to get some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep. Every time I sleep I go… back there. I can’t.” you whimpered. He sighed, groaning and wiping his brow.

“What would you like me to do about it? I can’t do anything.”

“Stay.”

Joel was left confused on how your calmness met his angry tone. He knew you well, he was surprised you weren’t screaming in his face. You didn’t take shit. You were being patient for once in your life.

Oh, how you’ve changed since the attack.

“I’m here. What more do you want from me?” he asked. His tone had extra edge of anger to it that was fueled with a faint passion.

In the darkness, you reached for his hand. It was coarse and dry, with many various scars and callouses you could feel just with a slight touch. He instinctively pulled back a bit, but gave in within the second. Wrapping your fingers with his, you places his hand back on your thigh.

“Y/N I-”

“The thing you were doing before on my leg. It was nice.”

“Oh,” he said, defeating the original thought from his head. His thumb began slowly moving in circles once again.

You were showing him what you needed.

He watched as your sad face closed your eyes and sighed. You felt safe for the first time in days.

Joel felt the pit in his stomach widen and fully consume him. The girl who practically raised Ellie from when she arrived; his dead friend’s daughter; one of the best damn killers in all of Jackson; Y/N. God, he was in so much trouble with his morals.

“I’m too far deep in this shit,” he muttered to himself, rubbing his forehead with his free hand.

Your eyes fluttered open to see him. “What?” you asked.

“I can’t…” he said, beginning to shake his knee up and down. “What?” repeated yourself in a confused tone.

His strong body swept over yours. He grabbed your shoulder ever so softly and perched you in his arms. Your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck.

No initiative had to be made besides the movement of your lips against his. Your hand wrapped itself in his hair, playing softly as he held your back strongly. A slight moan came from his lips that he instantly regretted when you accidentally tugged ever so slightly on his graying strands of hair. For the split second that you two separated gasping for air, he pulled you tighter.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been fighting this,” he whispered on your lips. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this,” you sighed, staring back at his scruffy face.

Joel came back to his senses. He felt different. He could never go back to the same person he was a minute ago. His world revolved around something new. No more obsessing over patrol and how to appease Tommy. No more worrying over how Ellie could handle herself. No more worrying about his aching joints and the fear of getting older. Something new became the center of his universe. He had folded.

The girl laying in his arms who now rested her head against his chest.

“You really need sleep darlin’,” he sighed. You sighed in resistance.

“You want me to stay?” he asked, looking down at your exhausted face.

“Please.”

You moved over in your bed as he made himself comfortable. Joel never realized how much larger he was than you until he slept with you in his arms.

You layed on his chest as one arm wrapped around your shoulders. His hand rested comfortably on your shoulder.

“Thank you.” you whispered. He placed a small kiss on your head. Your arms wrapped around your stomach, making yourself more comfortable in his embrace. The only sound in the room was your soft breathing.

“Go to sleep now. Your safe with me, my sweet girl.”

tag list: @dani5216 @uwiuwi @alohastyles-x @samanthacookieone @maddieinnit0 @alexxavicry @scoliobean @jmillerswife

[one-way-dream]

o|-< man

[thisdreamplace]

making deeper connections

i feel like i havent really updated in a while but i guess if you keep up with my asks, you probably get some type of random updates that way. lmao also this post is messy and informal warning!! lol

so anyway, i guess this is almost like a midpoint check in because i do have another challenge im doing thats coming to an end soon, which will constitute as yet another update on my experience. yall i ramble too much im sorry lmfao

anyway!!!!!!! things have been good. i haven't really shared much of my recent success because i tend to be a bit private about things that really mean a lot to me. on top of that, i am really trying to get it drilled into my head that i am the most important manifestation there is in my reality, as in a successful change within me is the most important manifestation there is for me. its really all about mastering my inner world and that is my motivation/focus right now. however, i will be sharing some of my successes soon!

which seems weird in hindsight because its like we all come here to get things. but then we stay because we find this journey is much deeper than we thought it was. but thats besides the point

thats why i started listening to dylan james' affirmation tape in the first place. im moving into week 2 and things started feeling a lil like a rollercoaster since the end of last week. i felt really amazing/confident the first few days and then kind of got wobbly towards the end of last week. but dylan said when going into week 2 it's a good idea to play the tape throughout the day as background noise so ive been doing that and it's been helping me feel a bit more stable.

yall!!!! can i just say tho!!!!!! my connection to trust/faith and the way life is unfolding rn since i started listening to the tape is just...... amazing to say the least.

but i wanna say something about my experience thats going to be hard to explain but im going to try!! so lately i keep having these glimpses. i talked about this in my 30 day challenge i recently completed, and that was when the glimpses started. ever since starting this new challenge and especially since listening to dylan's tape, they happen much more often and they're lasting for longer.

so basically its like i am starting to be able to tap into these states that i really feel connected with who i really am? it's often either really peaceful/calm/comforting or sometimes it exciting because i can see that this world is mine and its just one big game-like dream for who i truly am.

because of these glimpses i got this thought: "i am at peace with XYZ" and omg it was such an intense be still and know type of moment. basically i was having a lot of anxiety and then i thought, "i am at peace with this anxiety being here" and reminded myself that it actually doesnt mean anything. then i had a glimpse of understanding from tapping into my Godself, like i truly understand that this identity and this feeling of anxiety doesnt mean anything and isnt an obstacle to my true self. this is why we can have anything we desire no matter what. anyway, then i just actually felt at peace. because i didnt feel like this anxiety meant anything or like it was getting in my way. like we can co-exist and it doesnt mean anything bad or that im doomed. its just here for the passing moment and thats okay.

so that brought on relief. but i'll say man, things manifest in such strange ways sometimes. this rollercoaster has been something lmfao. but even so, every so often ive been getting a little excited? because i feel like omg this is my chance to reject the old story and persist in the new one! and that can feel kind of exciting at times? sometimes it feels like a drag lmfao but sometimes it feels kind of liberating. so thats cool.

and yeah so thats where im at right now on this lil journey. also idk why in my personal posts i dont use punctuation but in my asks i use proper everything like tf lmfao

also i be excited to sleep at night bc i love listening to the affirmation tape. i havent easily slept so early in so long haha

as always!! there is no one to change but self.

happy manifesting!! 💖🌈💫🌺

[bonickhausen]

an update

hi! i am still alive.

i had to move out to another apartment. i like it here: it is larger and i am free to do whatever the fuck i want. i can talk to my friends over on discord late at night and nobody gives a shit. i can cook my meals at 4am and i dont have to worry about waking someone up. 

i’m living all by myself. due to the pandemic, i’m not seeing or talking to anyone so i just got used to talking to myself. i’ve always had the habit of striking silent conversations with myself and despite the fact that actually talking out loud feels weird at times it helps ease the feeling of loneliness and it helps me focus when i need to. 

i have been feeling a wide variety of emotions lately. in a way, this is the calmest i’ve ever been when it comes to dealing with other people: for as long as i can remember ive felt the need to try and meet new people and have their approval in some shape or form and i dont think i feel this with such intensity anymore. in a sense this is boring; it feels like apathy at times and i feel uncaring which doesnt sound healthy to me. 

i miss so many things. i guess this is part of growing up. it’s weird. the passage of time makes me feel things i can’t properly describe. i guess i feel sadness and i feel hopeful and i miss things yet i cant wait to see what things are going to be like. i dont think i’ve ever feared for my future and i still dont. ignorance might be bliss.

i want to lose things. this is something i have been thinking a lot about lately, i want to lose things. when i get bored of something i just tend to ditch it and start from scratch and i cant tell whether this is disregard or boredom but i sometimes think about moving somewhere else in the near future and starting everything over from scratch, find me a new job in another context and introduce myself with yet another name and leave everything behind. i sometimes want to lose it all. this feeling is not the product of some kind of dissatisfaction but rather of curiosity, a feeling of my-grass-could-be-greener that i just cant seem to shake off. i sometimes feel like i am stagnating and i dont want that. i dont want to stick to anything because the moment that happens is the moment i start to stagnate and this is my one anxiety that i just cannot control for the life of me, my huge fear of stagnation, of halting and catching fire, this weird dread that i have got to do something grand to push away what resembles a feeling of worthlessness

it’s been two months since i started talking to a psychiatrist. she helps me see things clearly as there are times my judgement is impaired by my feelings. i think i am doing a good job at keeping these feelings at bay even though they sometimes leak through. i have for so long bathed in bad habits and toxic behaviours but i am really trying my best to change. 

i have decided against talking to other people about most of my problems as i dont want anyone to have to put up with my shit and quite frankly even i cant really compreheend many of the things that bother me so i’d rather try and get a better grasp of it all first. i dont want to be a nuisance. unless talking to them about an element happens to solve said element, i’m going to keep it to myself. i wish noone harm and i believe it’s better for everyone if i leave the largest chunks to my psychiatrist. i also fear that telling people about my problems will cause them to distance themselves from me so i’d rather talk to someone who is completely unrelated to my personal life: trusting an absolute stranger with my deepest feelings feels surprisingly good

sadly been overworking lately. landed a reeeeeally neat freelance project with a guy i admire and another freelance project that’s been an absolute bitch. these last few days have been exhausting but it’s almost over. at least the money is really good.

i have been thinking quite a lot about giving creative writing another go as there are many things i want to explore but cant because i’m pretty boring with words.

i have many plans but i dont want to tell anyone about them. telling people things leads to frustration and i want to avoid that.

i have quit facebook and twitter. it’s been great for me. i’ve been avoiding the news over the last few months. i just cant deal with what’s happening right now. i just want everyone to be okay and i want to remain okay.

right now i feel okay.

i might be back in a month or six with another update. these kind of posts are quite handy for me as they help me get a better view of my issues and circumstances so i’m probably going to keep writing these every now and then

bye and thanks for putting up with my shit

[self-critical-automaton]

Whats Been Going On With Me Lately

So basicly the TLDR is:

I’ve been super ill in weird and new brain ways since about mid-december, when withdrawal from my antidepressants resulted in strange intense psychological events, and I’ve been dealing with the fallout and day-to-day distress ever since. I’m terrified that i might have suffered permanent alterations/damage to my mental state, but who can say.

Details under the cut for anyone who wants to know how ive been doing, or wants to hear about what happens when you quit a high dose of fluoxetine cold turkey after five or six years.

Or for anyone who is going through something similar and wants some info/hope, since withdrawal experiences seem to be super idiosyncratic and variable and its almost impossible to find detailed descriptions.

I’d really appreciate it being read, esp. by people in my life, but dont feel compelled or whatever idk i dont make the rules but srsly please read it if you can it took a lot of time and effort

PS: this and several other articles on that blog were a huge help to me getting through the first couple phases, if you’re having trouble with withdrawal please go read PPS: fine to reblog, in fact please do

In 2017 I started getting painful physical side effects from my antidepressants, which gradually got worse until in lateish-2018 I decided to stop taking them outright. Everyone ever says you shouldn’t quit antidepressants cold-turkey, and they are right, but I’d been taking them inconsistently due to the pain, and I was beginning to suspect they’d stopped helping me anyway, so it seemed the best option.

I quit in probably mid-October and for a couple months felt much the same as usual, but then around the 13th of December it all kicked off. At first I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I was suffering a sudden and intense flu coinciding with a bad depressive spike, but after a couple days I figured out that withdrawal can be offset by weeks or months in rare cases, and decided this is what must be happening. That first round of Withdrawal Time had a few soft-edged but distinct phases (lasting about a week each), and I went through by far the worst experience in my entire life, closely followed by the second-worst and then third-worst.

Round One Start! Phase One: intense existential dread

It kicked of very suddenly, around the 13th december, getting rapidly worse over a couple days. I was paralysed with fear as my mind sunk into thinking in infinite circles, unable to do anything other but endlessly contemplate and debate morbid philosophical topics, forced to confront the inevitability of death, emptiness of life, terror of oblivion, impossibility of afterlife, and so on. I also suffered sensory experiences similar to those ive heard described by people who take drugs like LSD, or very severe fever dreams. Sensations of expanded perception, becoming trapped in imaginary scenarios on other planes, that sort of thing.

In this phase I ate almost nothing, and over that week lost 4 or 5 kg. I also had some flu symptoms, mostly as fevers and chills, and could ony, really sleep in short bursts of a couple hours each. There was very little I could safely occupy myself with, as almost all media (books, games, film, fiction and nonfiction, everything really) would in some way trigger me into thinking about an existential topic, and then the terror would resume. I spent what time I could working to fix the problems with my life that I had suddenly become aware of (my social isolation, my medial issues, my mental health, etc), so I made a lot of phone calls, doctor visits, and applied to some mental health counseling services. I also started looking for avenues to make friends and acquaintances online and in person, and did a lot of research on antidepressant withdrawal.

Towards the end of this phase, the dread got more manageable and began to ease off, and I found I could play simple puzzle games to help occupy myself during the day. Listening to certain podcasts also was a source of relief and distraction. However, things remained bad in the morning and evenings, and I ended up referring to these times as ‘morning hell’ and ‘evening hell’. Also, I began to keep a basic daily log of my symptoms.

Phase Two: generalized anxiety

As I segued into this phase, the existential dread mostly withdrew during the day, leaving instead a sense of severe generalized anxiety. I’ve had issues with anxiety in the past, but it’s always been event-related or social, so Generalized Anxiety Disorder style anxiety was an interesting addition to my mental health cocktail. I still suffered the existential dread, but primarily during the Morning and Evening Hells, and as occasional spikes during the day. Mostly, I felt like it was off to one side somewhere, and felt anxiety about thinking about existential topics.

I got little done, but was able to occupy myself with podcasts, housework, simple games, and (oddly enough) Star Trek: The Original Series. Almost anything else I tried would worsen the anxiety, and threaten to trigger existential dreads. During this time I started sleeping more normally, but also began waking every night with chest pains and leg pains, which of course caused a great deal of anxiety about heart issues and blood clots. I also began to feel like I had begun to ‘wake up’ after having sleepwalked through the past year or so.

Phase Three: misc badfeels and weird sensory effects

As phase 2 segued into this one, around christmas day, the anxiety started to recede during the day. I’d get a window of safety varying from half an hour to a few hours, usually starting in the early afternoon. I began to leave the house more, going for walks with my partner, which could occupy me safely during bad feeling times. During those windows, I often still felt bad, but it felt like a ‘normal’ bad, like depression and ennui, rather than the very active generalized anxiety or severe dread. I also began to be able to read again, and to play games more widely. I committed to attending some local social events (some board games/RPG things, and a support group) and mostly tried to get on with life. 

I was frequently quite sluggish and slow, and didn't usually get much work done, even napping occasionally. As my days improved, my nights worsened, with bad sleep and bad dreams. I would also have odd brief sensory effects, such as hallucinations and waking dreams. For the first time since withdrawal started, I began to worry that I was slipping backwards and getting worse again. Up until that point, I had felt like, as awful as I was feeling, there was a slow but consistent improvement.

By early January I was having inconsistent bouts of the existential stuff and the generalized anxiety in the day, but looking back probably not as intensely as in the earlier phases.

Phase Four: inconsistent rehash

Phase four was similar to phase three, except without the consistency that phase three had (at least earlier on) of ‘morning bad, day safe, evening bad’. It also lasted longer than the ‘about a week’ of previous phases. I had ups and downs of general bad feelings throughout the day, with occasional spikes or longer bouts of existential fear or generalized anxiety, and I developed an aversion to going to bed (as most mornings would feel worse than evenings). I usually slept badly, and I started waking up during what I’m pretty sure were sleep-panic-attacks an hour or so after going to sleep. Chest pains and so on were very common and worrying, so I talked to the doctor a lot and ended up on some cardio waiting lists.

I had some depressive episodes which felt very much like the kind of depressive episodes I’ve had over my life, and about the same topics, though more intensely. It was almost comforting, in a back-to-normal sort of way.

Frankly, this whole phase felt like a random jumble of previous phase symptoms and pre-withdrawl mental health stuff, almost like dimming lightbulbs on an old electrical system, fading in and out and going on and off randomly and unpredictably.

Towards the end of January, I had a bad bout of flu, but during that time I felt a lot better in mental health terms. I don’t know if this was due to the distraction of a big obvious ‘thing to survive’ or if it was a natural upswing as part of the arc of that phase. After I got over the flu, I had a couple days of existential stuff reasserting itself, and I was worried that it was a second bout of Phase One, but I stopped recording my log on the 5th of February, so it’s hard to recall anything past this.

Interstitial Period

I’m pretty sure that for most of February, I felt ‘back to normal’, and was feeling more-or-less how I had been before withdrawal kicked off. That said, my capacity to occupy myself has not really recovered. I’m occasionally able to play games or read, but I often have a bad sense of ennui. This may be my natural yearly Seasonal Affective Disorder, or a natural depressive episode (I have consistently if infrequently had times where I’m unable to occupy myself and suffer ennui, just as part of being a depressed person), but I’ve not had one this long before.

I have a strong fear that my cognition/way of being/mental state has been permanently altered by that first phase, that it in some way ‘opened my eyes’ and now I will never be able to go back to how I was. I’m scared that I might never be free of this existential dread lurking in the back of my mind, but also trying to dissemble, forget, or distract myself feels like a foolish naivety. Its something we all have to face, so postponing the inevitable is pointless, but also I can’t overcome or accept it, so I’m trapped in a limbo.

Round Two?

After feeling mostly ’back to normal’ for a while, I’ve been having some bad times again. For about a week or so (end of febuary/beginning of march), I’ve been having existential fears and the ‘big mix of generalized bad feeling’ again, on and off during the day, and especially in mornings/evenings. I was very afraid that it was the beginning of a downslope into a full repeat of this entire cycle, but it’s been pretty consistent so far, rather than getting worse.

I’m hoping that this is indeed Round Two, and that its just a lot less bad than Round One, which would be consistent with what I’ve read about this stuff.

Final Thoughts

Phase one was the worst thing ive gone through in my life, but on good days I feel somewhat optimistic that it’s had a ‘rock bottom’ kind of effect, that I can find some positive things to come out of it.

It’s given me some perspective, and it’s helped me come out of a sleepwalking time in my life. I feel what i’m missing in my life much more keenly (social isolation/ lack of friends, lack of passion, lack of purpose/drive/meaning in my life), but I’m also able to work on them to some extent for the first time in years.

That said, I know these take a lot of time and work to fix, but it’s hard not to look at the glacially slow progress i’ve made as ‘no progress in basically three months’, and sink back into the things-will-never-get-better-so-why-try kind of depression.

I’m gonna keep trying, though.

[sagittariusboyfriend]

man i cried so much in front of my psychologist today. i dont know where it came from, but ive been trying to cry for so many months or weeks and it finally happened. and it just came over me like a wave. the second we started talking i was choking up, and it wasnt even over what i thought it would be over. it hit me like a goddamn tsunami. and it was such a release, ive missed being able to cry, its like an instant detox for the mind. but i was so fucked up afterwards, i could barely walk straight because my legs kind of wouldnt carry me and i was a bit dizzy and just... generally not there. but still, this sense of elation. im almost looking forward to going home today and just... cry some more. something made me feel today. i actually FELT today. its been so fucking long. and i kind of didnt cry it all out if you know what i mean, so its still in my ribcage, kind of vibrating, waiting for me to go home so i can release it.

i called my mom and just talked for an hour, but my body being a stupid idiot body sometimes mistakes intense sensations for panic (literally a thing with panic syndrome, it just decides to do that for no apparent reason except for ‘oh shit, emotion in combination with some kind of bodily sensation! threat!!!!’) and i could barely talk because my body was doing its panic thing. so here i am, still with a feeling of elation, but two anxiety pills later and my mom being a great wonderful mom and im doing my BEST to focus on buying train tickets and i have to keep repeating the times and dates to myself lmao, because the first thing that goes, along with the panic with these (incredibly light tbh, im a lightweight when it comes to drugs in general) meds, is my short term memory. for a few hours. then i sleep for 10 hours and wake up with extreme cravings for sugar. thats usually how it goes. and ive been in such a mentally hopeless place lately that all of this is more than welcome. i dont feel hunger, i dont feel... anything. and its so fucking scary, because all my life ive been (sometimes uncontrollably ;///) emotional. driven by emotion. yeah, youve heard all of this before.

so, the crying was nice. the panic is never ever nice, but ill live you know, its just my body reacting weird and i know rationally im not in any danger etc etc, im very good at keeping it in check. i know my panic syndrome very personally so it rarely wins over me these days. mostly just acts up like this and at the very most ill need to take some anxiety meds and 30 mins later im just tired. i know what to do and when to do it, except for days like today where my shields are way down - and, i mean, im SURE it did NOT help that i was out til 5 am drinking and maayyyybe doing a bit of coke with my friends, but, again, im extremely moderate when it comes to drugs. i know how a little goes a long way for me and i usually half that down anyway. never irresponsible with that stuff, honestly. but apparently it didnt work in my favor today at all. what to do, what to do. its good in a way, that my shields were down today. i could cry and im so thankful for that.

[voidbeantm]

the post-concert sadness is intense this time round and i really didn't feel like dumping this on twitter or any of my friends so it's going here ignore me just let me ramble

i really dont know what it is about concerts that leave so many people with post-concert sadness. it's so common and yet it's really hard to pinpoint a main cause.

part of it has to be the crash that comes when the post-concert euphoria wears off. it's like caffeine. the buzz is incredible but the crash is extremely draining.

maybe it's the fact that ive spent so long looking at these people and these performances through a small screen. as much as i talk about how important it is to conceptualise and treat celebrities like real people, the fact of the matter is that no matter what, celebrities never really seem like "real people". yes, they're real people but they're essentially strangers. and when you spend most of your time observing them through a screen, your brain starts feeling about them the same way it feels about fictional characters you really really like. they're real but you never really expect to see them with your own two eyes, walking and talking in front of you. there's a disconnect between how you feel and what you know rationally. suddenly, it hits you that these people are real and right there, being completely incredible. every frustrating facial expression, every surprising and dangerous dance move, every tiny moment of friendship and banter, it's real, they're doing it right in front of your eyes.

maybe it's the fact that for the first time ever, im not alone during a concert and suddenly, my anxieties leave me completely and allow me to completely let loose instead of holding back just a smidge like i always have. ive seen them twice before this but none of them were the korean concerts and ive always been alone and ive never gone this wild before. it's freeing and euphoric and we refer again to what i said about euphoria crash.

maybe it's seeing them in their most natural comfortable state relative to being onstage. the two times i saw them previously were in singapore and malaysia. it's evident that they're much more comfortable in their homeland. which, by the way, completely understandable!! for one, there's no language barrier in the way and they're free to express themselves fully without having to pause for the translator which, no matter what, will always distrupt the natural flow of banter. there's the fact that the concert hall is so so so much bigger. there's the fact that the crowd at home probably just feels familiar and comfortable. vixx and kstarlights have such a close rapport that they rarely have to guess how the crowd will react to the things they say or do. with foreign crowds that you dont perform to as often, every single time it's a gamble. there's a much bigger pressure to impress and do as well as possible to leave a lasting impression in order to grow your audience there. i dont know the right words to describe it but there was just something different about seeing them this time. they were so open and comfortable. maybe what i said about finally having friends to share this experience with earlier applies here as well in a way. when i was alone, it wasnt like i enjoyed them any less, i just felt a tiny bit less free to let loose. in the company of familiar and comfortable people, i was finally able to. it could possibly be the same for them as well.

on my end there was the whole business of sitting so far away that i watched the whole thing through either my binoculars or the display screen. i always forget that im not able to pause a real life performance and go back to rewatch parts i might have missed. during concerts, it's do or die. if you miss it, you miss it. i haven't had the chance to check fanaccounts or fancams in detail on twitter but even a brief glace told me that i most definitely missed quite a few bits. and with the amount rewinding i freely admit to doing, it's not a surprise how much i hate missing out on things.

related to the above, im actually not sure how much of me missing out was actually just me being unable to remember most of anything that happens during a concert once it is over. especially when it comes to new songs. aside from a few key parts of the choreography, i barely remember what the performances for the new songs were like. i can't remember most of what happened. this always happens to me after every single concert and apparently, im not the only one. it's like there's something about the nature of a concert that exists in a time-shifted dimension. everything exists and is held in that dimension, in that moment of time alone. you're only ever able to bring scraps of it out with you. it's like trying to hold onto a dream after you've woken up. unless you write down everything right away, it's gone. but then you see a stray photo, the odd fancam, and it triggers a memory. it's almost magic. and you can't just rewatch the performances through fancams or the dvd even though you'd have a much easier time seeing everything going on but it's just different. you'd be back to seeing them on a screen again. and dreams dont work like that anyway dreams are lived once, the rest are just disjointed memories.

finally, there is just plain old missing them. i already miss them. i just got reminded once again that they're real and in front of me over a day ago and now they're back to being images on a screen. every song i hear, every video i watch just makes me remember that, at one point, they were real. and i miss them.

honestly, this it didnt really fully hit until i boarded the plane alone and set off for home. for the first time in three days, i was without friends to fill the void or the stress of travelling on a time limit to distract me. suddenly, i just felt sad and hollow and tired. on a personal level im probably also exhausted both physically and mentally from the constant travelling, especially on a time limit as well as socially from meeting "new" people and being in the presence of people in general for a few days straight. ren and natsu were incredible and so fun (i will not ever get over what it's like to hang out with actual starlights ever) but you know how it is with introversion. even when you with people you want to be with, your energy will deplete. my brain is telling me it's going to clock out for a good few days before its ready to come back again

i dont have a satisfying conclusion to this mess of words. i dont even know how i feel now that ive bled off all of my feelings into text. it's a mix of sadness, wistfulness, and residual awe because everything i said above as well as having to say goodbye to my friends.

i dont want this long ramble to make it seem like im not grateful for the opportunity to see them in a korean concert. i absolutely am. i will cherish this memory forever. i just. i wish i were both less and more predictable of a person. if i could i want to do it again. i want to see them in a korean concert again. but i don't know what i'll be like a year from now. what if i no longer like them? some people probably find these to be blasphemous words but im not going to lie about myself. interests change. ive gone through so many obsessions in my over two decades of life. given, this is the most involved ive ever been in an interest and the only fandom ive ever made any friends in. but what if i do stop liking them? based on available data, the average length of an obsession is about three years for me. im approaching my third year as a starlight. my projected expiry date is coming up. i dont want it to. but i dont think i can stop it if it does. i shouldn't. no one is obligated to like anything they dont want to. but i dont want to not like them anymore. i dont want to lose what ive managed to find here.

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[badbrainthoughts]

(12.21.19. 3:12 am. in my room.)

there are a lot of things that have happened. but for some reason, i dont want to talk about any of them.

but now i feel empty. im not enough of anything. im so... average. ordinary. 

my entire life ive wanted to be special. it’s a deeply buried desire, but it burns inside me. as a child, i thought maybe i would be a chosen one in a fantasy tale. now i just want to be something of value.

im not beautiful. im not smart. im not creative. im not talented. but im also not quite ugly, stupid, uncreative, or talentless. im just so.... average. grey. beige.

i wish i had something. anything. even my mental illness isnt enough. im not quite okay, but just depressed. i dont have validating intense symptoms. i just feel sad and i want it to be worse to make myself feel better. my depression and anxiety arent enough. its not extreme enough for me to be able to validate my own emotions. or, maybe, i want to be special. 

i want there to be something really, really wrong with me so i can stand out. if im not really good at something, being bad at something would be better than nothing. i would take being even more terrible at living than continue on as plain as i am.

and so thinking this, i convince myself that i am actually worse than i actually am. its pathetic.

i want love but love isnt enough. i dont want cute, puppy love, with innocent intentions and a happy ending. i want it intense, i want someone to give me purpose. i want to give my heart to someone and i want to live within them. i want it so bad. i want it to hurt how badly i love them, i want it to burn and i want it to boil inside me with a passion that i normally never have. 

bryce did this. he gave me a taste of something so unhealthy, so codependent, so manipulative and now im addicted. with him i felt like i had a purpose. to love him. to worry about him. to cry over him. to feel my heart twist and knot inside my chest as i watched him leave me over and over. 

i thought heartbreak was silly and fictional before him. but it made me feel so alive. it hurt more than anything i had ever felt before. and it felt better, too. i think, because im so grey and because of my mild depression, things are muted for me. well yes, i get angry. and i get happy. i feel things but its not enough. 

i always come back to this terribly neutral feeling. i feel sort of bad, but not that bad. 

i have no passion. maybe this is because of my upbringing but i cannot enjoy the things i enjoy without viciously critiquing myself. i wish i could be passionate about something. but im too ashamed to allow it.

and so i remain a shallow shell of a person. im trapped in my head and i dont like it.

someone needs to numb me and set me on fire. i want to live through someone else. i want to have to depend on them for my life. i dont even know how true all of it is. but it sounds nice right now.

i just hate going through the motions everyday. things happen and i dont want them to. im the main character of the most boring story in the world.

and ill never be special. so i think i crave someone damaged, cruel, and terrible to like me. i dont want to fix them.. i want them to love me and only me so intensely that they would kill for me. i want to be their exception. but it never works that way and i would only get hurt.

the scars i have are so trivial and useless. none of this is real. bryce was fake and over the internet and i am an idiot for feeling hurt from him. 

but he made me feel so alive. not anymore, though. i think that is the most depressing part.

sure, i dont think i’ll ever stop loving him. but the fire is gone now. he doesnt mean much to me anymore. i dont feel as alive when i cry over him. it hurts, but only faintly. 

sex disgusts and repulses me, even when i want it. the appeal isnt what it used to be. its not really thrilling anymore, now i just want to feel love.

i dont know if i deserve it. 

(3:44 pm.)

[memories-journal]

everything is so hard and i'm too tired.

i don't know if i've made the best self care decision ever or if i've ruined my life and i'll feel like killing myself once i'm okay again. but i've already isolated myself.

i don't feel lonely at all. i really don't. but i'm, in fact, alone and i feel this intense melancholy in my chest that i hadn't felt in so long.

i don't feel anxious. i don't feel overwhelmed. but every second that passes i find less meaning in things, in life. i wonder how much more i'll want to take.

i'm having a really hard time eating. it's on purpouse mostly, because i don't push myself to eat. i push myself not to. i'm not counting calories (yet) but i'm regaining control over what i eat. i fast around 18 hours per day and i eat less than half of what i used to. and everyday i hate myself more when i eat. everyday i eat a bit less and i wish it could be nothing. today i even thought about purging, and i would have if the loo hadn't been occupied at that moment.

everything is so confusing and i can't even write. i didn't want to be an attention seeker. and i thought a great way to assure that would be to isolate myself. and i know nobody misses me. but i can't come back. i don't know if i want to. and i knew this could happen and that was the reason why i would have panic attacks every time my exgf would not eat or everytime i woke up and my eyes were swollen. i didn't want to go back to that place. but i'm here now. i have nothing to hold on to. and i don't care and i hate it. because now i don't want to recover, i don't want to talk to my friends and they probably don't like me anymore bc it's been many days since i've paid them attention. and they probably talk shit about me now but i don't fucking care bc i deserve it bc i'm a terrible person and the only thing i do is ruin ruin ruin everything i have even when i don't want to and until i want to ruin and destroy myself bc maybe depression it is my place bc the worst part of this is that im being productive and im reading and cleaning my room and studying and doing hw and i can even close thw shutters now and i have a fake sense of wellbeing everytime im not eating and i cant do not even half of that when im trying to be fine like i was 2 weeks ago and im just so tired bc i tried so hard not to be in this place and now i want to be here and i want to destroy myself in every possible way and i wonder how much days will it take for me to sart cutting again. bc i didnt mind that its been almost 2 years dince the last time i purged when 30 minutes ago i went downstairs to vomit my dinner so 18 months without cutting wont be bad. and i hate it i hate me i hatr everything and i want to rip my fucking skin out bc i cant talk about it bc that may make me fele better and thatd mean that im doing this for attention and i dont want to be that kind of person but i cant help being a shitty person

i dont know if ill be better or if i want to be. maybe its like my mum said. ill be depressed forever. now im getting on well with her and i hate feeling like this bc everything is fine and im here feeling terrible and ruining everything. i always do everything wfomg and i hate it. i cant find a solution but to blame myself.

the funny thing is that i could live like this anyway. i can picture myself being alone just studying and working and not hanging out with anyone in days weeks months... but i get anxiety attacks when im really trying to be fine bc when i fight depression i waste all my energies and i overthink bc i cant be sad around most of my friends bc they wont understand or itd be like im seeking attention or like i want them to be sorry for me and i also gdt boring and irritable and sometimes i get so clingy or i cant stop talking about mysekf. and also if i stop eating i have a purpouse. sth to look forward to. some readon to live maybe, bc its been months since ive had a dream or sth that i said well, i really want this in the next few minths/years.

my words are so tangled and i dont feel well at all and i know that maybe its bc i ate. i didnt want to. im not even hungry anymore. not even if my stomach growls loudly. i pprefer emptiness there. it fills the cold in my heart.

im so scared. i dont want to think like that but my mind is so clear when i dont eat. and then when i do this happens.

maybe i should talk to my therapist about this, and shell tell me if its fine or not that ive isolated myself. i havent isolated myself from everyone tho. i still want to talk to my exgf and my 2 friends who live in other city. but im pretty sure they dont want to talk with me. i wonder what i did.

im disconnected from everyone anyway. i wouldnt be able to talk.

i shouldnt tell that to my therapist too. idk. its difficult. i was going to tell her about all this on thursday. but i couldnt see her. and maybe now it seems like i want to seek her attention. or like i depend on her. or like i want to make her feel guilty. and its not like that. itd started before she cancelled the session. but maybe it seems an excuse.

every word from my mouth seems an excuse. maybe it's bc i need to justify my living.

[ilygsd]

201018

ffs im doing it againnnnn. i google and read shit that scares me but then i wont do anything abt it except for overthink and get anxious and fuck shit up and be an annoyance and then hate myself for doing this again but still go back and hope for him to forgive my emotional ass

im just so scared of fucking shit up again. i know i cant change the world, i need to change my attitude and know that i can get through shit even if people leave me. I CAN!! i am strong enough!!! i HAVE improved!!! i CAN! i have people who loved me and truly cares for me!!!!!! things are goong well with other people. people i dont really care about but they’re still evidente that i AM FUNCTIONING AND NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY

but those people were and are nt’s. even if im a paranoid emotional bitch who cant really feel it, i at least got some rationality that tells me that not everyone is after me.

its different with him.

i dont know if i actually care about him or if its my issues and insecrities or his manipulative charm that draws me to him but the feeling i get is so intense. and it scARES ME!!!! he could totally just take advantage over me?? i dont want to be paranoid, i want to BELIEVE HIM but my anxiety and all these other quotes and posts i read tells me i should get the hell away from people like him. and like....... i dont know if its just me overthinking or if its actually dangerous? im weak, i dont trust myself with him. im weak for him.

the fact that im more anxious because of him should be a sign right?? but on the other hand he makes me feel more alive. life is interesting with him but im also scared thats ”a part of it”. everyone says its a nice experience in the beginning. that they’re oh so charming to inpress you but then they’re going go change and its going to be to late.

and what does THAT MEAN? too late?? i dont think he would murder me or become physically violent, but his apathy will definitely hurt me either way. it STILL hurts me NOW and he’s not even doing anything ”mean”. like.... that’s who he is. he doesnt even have to manipulate me, the fact that he cant feel or give emotional love is hard enough for me to accept lmao.

and i mean he told me about his disorder? isnt that something? he seems pretty carefree. he answers most of my questions but he doesnt talk much about himself at all. he just seems bored. he told me he used to think people were annoying and slow (high IQ + narcissistic traits) but that he realised its not the world, but he who is different. and now the only thing he lives for is like his goals.

at first i thought he wanted to hurt and use me. instincitvely. he used to compare me to a deer, careful and beautoful (wow, such a charmer, so poetic) and in that case he’s a predrator. a social oredrator. he can take any shape he wants. its not me or his ”love” for me holding him in place, it’s only him. only him. him and the moral compass he set for himself. i dont think he wants to hurt me for fun, but he definitely would without doubt if i ever got in his way. perhaps not MORE than necessary, but as much as needed for him to get what he wants. but he’s patient. definitely. and i sont know why im worth waiting for. i dont know what i have to offer him.

we had sex yesterday. it was nice. but he’s one horny fuck and im emotional. he doesnt seem to care about the emotional stuff because the physical part is the only thing he can feel anywyas. all the love-shit yesterday (and any other day) is for me.... or for him... idk. i dont think its necessary for him but he does it because i want it and i guess that could be seen as nice?? at least he thinks so. he gets annoyed and anused when i question his sincerity. (says he might as well cheat and shit but like... yeah and u might as well be a mudder too whats your point??) but on the other hand he probably wants something more in te end. like my trust or something? it cant be sex. it wasnt THAT good and i he doesnt really care about the person he has sex with. he doesnt think of people, barely watch actual people but more lile hentai and the idea of sex. it could be control and power though. i know he wants me to test new things. one time i felt like he forced and treatebed me to drink coffee despite me not wanting to and i did. and i felt SHIT afterwards and i got SO paranoid and isolated myself for a week and he was a bitch about it and basically told me i overreacted and yeah maybe i was because i got SCARED of him and what he can do but i also could’ve handled it better and not let it scare me an understand i have a choice etc. but anyways, he’s stopped with that shit at least the threatening part like ”if you dont taste this coffe i made you im taking away the blanket”. and now he just liggtly pressures me. which i have to admit is okay? it made me try tea and i liked the tea. he also wants me to pierce myself and i actually would like that. he made me send him lewds (kind of) but i stopped because idk, i didnt like i. and idk i am happy i tried. im insecure and he makes me more adventurous. i just dont hope he will pressure me more or it would get worse. he’s like ”i would never force anyone to do anything” like yeah thanks thats.... nice to know.... he’s so weird. he makes offensive jokes that i bormlly would get extremely teiggered by but...... its different with him. i DO get annoyed but i also know there’s literally zero behind his jokes. i asked him if he likes the rection but he says he likes the power over the situation he has. he likes to tease me but he always makes sure i know its only joking and im not being serious. it seems like he likes the fact that he COULD leave me thinking he was serious but he choses to not. idk though, cus the fact that he always tells me when he does something ”not manipulative” is a bit..... suspicious lmao. he’s asked me to smoke weed though and im like super pure but honestly why not. he also made me drink and masturbate next to him. wow, he’s made me do a lot of stuff..... but idk, i lile the praise afterwards LMAO

so im just here trying go figure out what the fuck it is?? he doesnt talk much about himself or the people in his life. i asked about his friends and family but the only one he talks about is his ex girlfriend and best friend. at first i was so skeptical i was like ”omg why would she be with him, is she also a victim of his manipulation, or maybe she’s the same?” but idk. she seems ”normal”. he admitted she had similar issues to emotionally connect with people like him but that she’s not aspd. i also happen to know she’s a chinese adoptee as well and to compare with my own attatchment issues it wouldnt surprise me if she got the opposite of me.

anyways, at first glance you would think he loves her dearly. but when thinking about it he doesnt really express any love. just appreciation and thats what he said himself. for practical reasons. they help each other, he with her medical shit and she with his finances or something. and i want to believe in that. that he’s just looking for good deals with people. i get something out of him and he gets something from me. not anything emotional, but not necessarily him using people either. and he can be emotional, he is trying to be emotional for me. COGNITIVE EMPATHY THOUGH!!!

i dont know. i hope it is like this. i dont want to believe all the shit stories about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. yes i am low key scared to death that he one day will snap, change comPLETELY cus that’s basically who he is. i just hope.......... he won’t lmao. and i hope he wont just use me when he’s got what he’s wanted. and i reALLY hope i wont settle for his fake love. i deserve some REAL ACTUAL LOVE. i dont mind living in a fairytale with him someimes but i DO NOT want to lose myself to him. i deserve love, i deserve someone who loves me like i love them. no matter how much or how good he imitates love he wont ever be able to. PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR THAT.

ive KIND OF come to accept who he is and that was hard enough for me, but i did it because he makes me do things and he makes me feel like i want it. also im scared that im too obsessed. like i really dont find anything interesting except for him. thats NOT a good sign. i feel like i both gain and lose myself with him. being with him is like living in a bubble. but when i meet other people everything’s as normal. i just dont want to isolate myself.

i dont think he would turn my friends or family against me

he says he teases the people he feel comfortable with. i cant get that. he’s changed. i sometimes feel like im a little sister. he took me very seriously at first and was very respectful and kind. now when he’s mee comfortable he’s more of a dick abd more straight forward when he thinks im overthinking or negative or annoying. and i am. i am annoying with him. its so weird but the moment i see him my EMO JUMPS OUT. i can be fun with other people and talk about other things and watch stuff but when im with him i just want to talk about sad stuff and feelings abd myself lmaooo. and yeah he finds it annoying and i get that. but i guess its cus we’re both a bit comfortable?

however he doesnt tease his ex/bff he says. its so weird, he says she was in charge in their relationship and i just cant imagine that cus hes so dominant. he said he started to respect his body etc AFTER their relationship so idk but i still cant imagine it cus he’s still doesnt feel empathy so there was no reason for him to obey her?? im curious about their relationship. i wonder what it was like......

what scares me is that i always feel inferior to him. thats ny good in a relationship. at the same time its the way i imagine relationships. he protecs me and i’ll obey him. its not that im always inferior, i tell him to piss off and fuck you when im annoyed. bit thats only joke. when tt gets serious he is always right. kind of. he’s like a dad as well. idk

all these posts are about sociopaths literalky tappning on thet victims and being CRUEL. but he’s not cruel, he’s just aprhtic, ubemotional. of course he CAN BE CRUEL, everyone can, but he chose not to. at least not yet. UGH. i feel so good with him. it felt better after a week with bo contact but i still wanted him because i was afraid i would lose him if i wanted more. which makes no sense because if i dont want him then i wouldnt want him. but wat if satt with him. i read blir people being married to sociopaths for 20+ years and i dont eant to be robbed 20 years!!!

he values actions more than words. in many ways he’s more high-functioning than me, and im a normal neurotypical while he’s an antisocial. thats why i was drawn to him anywyas. i wanted his help to handle my feelings and stuff. but idk. when he apologizes he doesnt mean it, but he still stops. when i apologize i mean it, but i dont stop. he could help me stop and he wants me to stop. bit thats also the only thing he values and it males me feel unappreciated sometimes when i actually TRY MY HARDEST

all these posts also fuck me up because idk if they’ve just encountered a mean sociopath, a mean normal neurotypical or if its just a sociopath. like i feel like people only focus in the bad stuff and call anyone ubemotional and cold abd mean a sociopath. thats not what i want to hear. i want to learn about them objectively??? they cant feel i get that. its mostly just girls writing about their fuckboy ens. like he thought i thought of him as a fuckboy but i dont. hes not a fuckboy, i hate fuckboys even more than i hate him. fuckboys are like..... just MEAN. for no reason. lmao idk. i mean he’s mean because he cant FEEL, he has no conscience. fuckboys are mean and so feel guilt but they pretend they dont and thats just pathetic. this persson id mature. fuckboys arent. hes sometimes immature too i guess UGH and narcisstisk UGH but lile..... idk. i just wouldnt go for him if he was a fuckboy. i dont get attracted to fuckboys OR bad blys

[camp-witch]

part II

FRIDAY

Friday we set out for a waterfall. Post the usual bus ride, The path was lined with people selling their wares, beers and tamales , and the line to the waterfall was slow and long. Easter is a big travel holiday for most in mexico, and also bathing in water is a easter tradition so we didnt have much time there because of the crowds. We came back up to the parking lot and was waiting for the bus to take us back when we woman came out of the bush and told everyone that there was a lesser travelled path, more rustic, to another waterfall nearby, and we could hike it for 5 pesos. We accepted.

When we started down the path, we all realized that most of us were not dressed for the part and also rustic was an understatement. I was in my element, though. For the first time since arriving here, I felt at home. The trees and the plants were different, but the forest is always a comfort to me.

It was probably one of the most fun hikes of my life. And at the bottom, we stripped and swam to meet this glorious waterfall. It was very cold, but worth the swim. It was invigorating and fun to move my body and feel the summer time. 

We got dressed and started back toward the parking lot after a time. When we reached cell service, one of our companions realized that a coffee farm was walkable from where we stood and it would be much easier to try to walk than to find a ride. So for another hour we walked, up an very high mountain, until we finally reached the coffee farm. The plants were beautiful. And we made it just in time for a tour. Although it was all in spanish, I tried to pick out a word here or there. The coffee tasting was the best part. We were so very cold and wet by that point, it was sundown, and it was probably the best tasting coffee I had ever had. We ate dinner there, and they brought out some local malbec, and made me a special dish, and I felt so cozy and comforted. I slept really well that night.

SATURDAY

The next morning we set out early, to meet a guide who promised to bring us to see some natural formations and a cave. It was to be a four-five hour journey, tops. it turned into being one of the most challenging days of my life, and we didn't make it home until sundown. sheesh. I still cringe thinking about it.

Thanks, Full moon Blue moon. 

We rode in the back of a pickup (all 9 of us) for about a half an hour until we reached a mountainous range where you could drive any further, and toothless leathery old men carried baskets down the road in bare feet.  We hiked down a narrow, stoney path for another half hour until we found a cabin the forest. Here we dropped our bags; we couldnt take anything with us, not even cell phones. We needed our hands free. Only our city shoes, clothes and wearing our bathing suits. Clearly, I didnt know what we were getting into because of the language barrier, but honestly I dont think anyone else knew either. This was going to be an intense and dangerous hike, and we were paying this man to put us through it. I was excited but also nervous. Ive never hiked with a guide before, 

The first thing we traversed was a good few miles of wild before reaching natural formations in rock close to a waterfall where the pools of water resembled a dog’s paw print. You could dive into the water and find small holes in the rock, coming out into the other pools. Really cool. I am not a strong swimmer so I didn't do it, But others tried.

He took us up a small thorny path to the entrance of a cave. Ive never been to a cave before. I was picturing in my head that it would be a huge cavernous opening where we would walk in for a while and admire the landscape, and then walk out. But no. We slipped into this cave single file and dropped into neck deep black water with an inch of headspace, and were instructed to walk. Everyone did no gleefully, and full of adventure. I wish i could say the same. But i’m actually REALLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC and almost immediately wanted to vomit, pass out and piss myself at the same time. Because of the language barrier, or maybe because of the lack of telling, I am really not sure, but I honestly didn't know what we were doing, otherwise I wouldn't have gone. But with more than 8 people behind me and none of them knowing me or my language, I had to push through. Tears and all. I surprised myself that with the hyperventilating and the vertigo, i didn't pass out and die in the dark enclosed waters. I dont even like reliving it right now, so I will leave it at that. Just know that i survived probably the scariest and most challenging experience of my life. I really have no desire to go anywhere near a cave again.

We hiked further up a mountain, where we were told we were to repel down a cliff face and into deep water- after the first girl went and said it was far too difficult for beginners, I declined and hiked down instead and swam to met everyone. At this point I am feeling like a huge coward. First the freak out in the cave, now I am chickening out of a climb, in front of all these people who dont know me, my history, my struggles with anxiety. It’s beginning to get hard to enjoy myself, with all my fears out here in the open like that.

After the climbing, we hiked for a few miles until reaching a waterfall where the instructor actually told us to JUMP (i didn't, i hiked around) and a few members of our group did. At this point I really didn't know if these two kids had any protocols for accidents or safety, and I was feeling extremely ashamed of my american-ness and fear. I finished out my day like that- hiking in an exhausted daze, feeling real shitty about myself. We hiked a few more miles, ended at a smaller waterfall, and finally hiked back to the bus. Hungry, exhausted, and 9 hours later. No meals, no water, and no sense of pride.

This was one of the hardest days Ive ever had, and the most shameful, and I think I am going to be unpacking my fears and cowardice for a long time. 

[ladyconfessions-blog1]

Letters I’ll never send

Dear Dad,

This letter may be one of hardest things I have had to do. But I have to get this off my chest or I’ll never be able to fully move on and be able to have a healthy relationship with you. 

There is still some part of me that blames myself for Nick’s death. But I blame you as well. To be completely honest both of us grew up terrified of you. You were always angry and always yelling. If we were going to ask you to make us some ice cream, we would argue about it because we were afraid. You weren’t the best father, that is not to say that I don’t love you because I do. But you were never a great provider. You let your children go through their entire childhood without regular doctor and dentist visits. Yes we got our shots at the free clinic - thank god for that. But we never truly got the help we really needed. Nick’s suicide note said that his teeth were part of the reason he wanted to die. That he was in so much fucking pain that he couldn’t stand to be be alive. And that he was so afraid to leave the house that he could never see the dentist now. And how the fuck could you let this happen. Years without dentristy. You saw how mom was and you let both me and Nick basically become her. Afraid of social situations. Awkward because you never took us out. 

To me you let him die. You didn’t provide for us. All you really care(d) about is yourself and that is still true to this day. You should have seen the way he was and took him to the doctor for help before it was to late. You should know better not to take your children to the dentist. I think this is a form of almost neglect. Especially since it was causing him so much pain.

Ive been mad for so long and its time for all of this to come out.

You let mom get to the way she is now. You fucking saw her getting worse and worse until she nearly fucking died in 2006. You would thinking that this would open your eyes. You promised to provide for your wife and you let her become a hermit. Afraid to the leave the house. And you know how you try to fix it? By screaming at her. THIS DOESNT FUCKING HELP. I dont know why you think yelling is the only option, it isn’t. Nick saw how bad mom was doing with her anxiety. How had every day was for her. And you just sat there and let this all happen. I cant believe how bad of a husband you truly are. Nick killed himself because he knew he would be like mom. And that he would never be able to seek help. It was too late by then. We were all so blind it to. And now he is gone. 

Do you think that it helped to yell at him everyday. Yelling about going to the army. Yelling about getting a job. Did you ever think to ask why he couldnt or wouldnt get a job? No because your only way is to yell. I hope you blame yourself like I blame myself. Because while we were all blind to his pain and suffering, you just made it all worse. 

And now were are here, three years after he committed suicide and you haven’t changed. You still are blind that your wife is suffering. She found his body. And on top of her agoraphobia, anxiety and depression - you let her continue to suffer. You never offer words of encouragement, you just fucking yell. STOP IT. It isn’t her fault. She needs help which she can’t get because you are a bad provider. You wont get her insurance. And then you yell at her. Making her feel guilty for who she is. 

You expect me to handle all of this burden. “You’re mom is dying” “You need to work with mom” “you need to...” I CANT DO IT ALONE. You married her. You promised to protect and love her. AND YOU LIED. You allowed her to come this way. And then you allowed Nick to follow her in her path. Until he felt so lost and alone that he killed himself. 

Maybe if he knew he had some support. But how could he with you constantly dogging on him. Not even taking the time to know who he was as a person. 

I blame you. I do. And I will never tell this to your face. Because this is some life destroying shit and I love you. But I have to get this off my chest before my mental illnesses worsen from hiding this. I don’t hate you. Okay maybe a small part of me does hate you. Hate you for what you did and especially for what you didn’t do. But I love you. You’re my father. I have to. But its time for you to fucking man up. Take control of your anger because yelling at mom over the house being nearly taken away isn’t helping. Its destroying her. And this isn’t her fault. Its your name on the loan. So its your blame to take. But you would never. Its never your fault. But you need to shut the fuck up. And actually listen. Its okay to be mad at the situation. But its NOT okay to yell at mom, your partner in all of this. She is trying to help and you just sit there. Not helping with the phone calls or the forms. Just expect her to take care of it all. All of the burden. Great dad. Great teamwork. Great fucking show of a marriage. 

I am sick of your shit. It’s time to fucking act like a man - for fucks sake you are over 60 years old. Nick is gone. And while the most of the blame is honestly on Nick for his silence of his suffering, I can’t help but blame you as well. And your shitty personality and parenting skills. My sister and I no longer live at home. All you have now is mom. And you need to take care of her for a change. Otherwise if mom is gone, you won’t have anyone - not even your daughters. Because me personally, if you don’t do something and get mom some help or help her yourself by being an actual kind human being - I will wash my hands of you. 

I think writing this may be able to get over my intense anger with you. And may continue to help me in the long run. But its time for a change, dad. Its time you acted like a husband and a father. Your family needs you. Step up. 

Sincerely, 

One emotional wrecked daughter 

[seleniumd]

random health stuff, just me typing it all out bc it seems to help. hopefully a few months from now this will all be a thing of the past. 

ok so i’ve been doing lots of research in hopes of figuring out what is wrong me. i’m not trying to self diagnose, but at least get an idea as i wait for a doctors appointment. plus, research is the only thing that seems to keep me from freaking out when i experience these things. i’ve been dealing with 2 main issues for at least 3 years now. 1) extreme fatigue after eating & 2) random heart palpitations.

as far as the fatigue after eating, it makes sense for it to be sugar related? I mean, i deal with it EVERYDAY. its the reason i dont eat out/at school etc etc. I only eat real meals at home because I know I’ll feel horrible afterward but I can at least drag myself to my bed and lay down. It’s much more than the typical ‘yum that was a good meal i want a nap’ no this is more like ‘hi leave me on the couch to die see yall later’ lol. it’s sooo bad and It’s always after eating, typically after my first meal. I wake up fine, go have breakfast and bam, i feel like crap.

so for breakfast, i just have a banana. i tend to be fine after that (explains my obsession with bananas. i can eat it and not feel like im dying) but if i were to have a sandwich later for lunch? #dead

it makes me feel like the only way ill get better is if i completely change my eating habits? i dont eat super unhealthy or anything, but at this point it seems like i wont be ok until i just eat fruits and veggies all the time. i’ve considered it being a sugar issue, like diabetes/hypoglycemia and such.

anyway, one solution ive thought of is exercise. i live a very sedentary lifestyle and thats horrible!! i’m extremely skinny but that doesnt mean i’m healthy, i need to get some cardio into my life.

and that brings me to my next issue. the heart palpitations. i’m afraid to work out and purposefully raise my heart rate because what if the palpitations begin? i can go from resting to my heart jumping up to the 140′s, so what would happen if i were working out and then it started? 

with the most recent incident i had come home from a long day at school. once again, i usually dont eat much when im out bc it leads to me feeling so fatigue and dead. all i ate at school was some candy and a bag of lays. when i got home i went to go share some dinner and someone in the house yelled something out which seemed to frighten me horribly bc my palpitations started instantly. instantly! and ive dealt with it for years now, i stopped going to the hospital for it. i usually just shake it off and walk around to try to ignore it. but this time it was bad. it just felt so weird. ngl, i did shed a few tears but its such a scary thing to go through. it sucked bc i had always just dealt with it but this time it was just so intense. i did go to the hospital bc it wasnt getting better and i was getting really anxious about it, which doesnt help my heart thats already beating through the roof. when i got there my blood pressure was super high, heart rate super high as well and my ekg did come back abnormal. my potassium level was really low. this genius hospital gave me potassium to raise it back up, but never took blood again to check to see if it had actually gone back up. it was so low you’d think they would keep an eye on it and make sure i dont die but ok. idek what caused me to have such low potassium. maybe because i hadn’t really eaten much that day? the abnormal ekg and low potassium are pretty significant, but no one ever looked into it seems and thats annoying. i’m over the hospital trips, im looking forward to finally seeing a doctor in an office who will really look into everything and help.

there’s been times after simple garden work or bike riding and i just feel crappy. ill take a shower afterword and experience a few heart skips etc etc. it’s scary and it makes me not want to do anything, but at the same time i feel like that makes it worse. the less i move is the more out of shape my heart gets.

as far as whats causing it, idk. i’ve had 2 echo’s done which come back good. thank god. my most recent EKG was abnormal though, but finally, after months, i have an appointment with a cardiologist coming up. this also makes me not want to exercise until then. i feel like i should play it safe and wait.

i’ve considered it being the vagus nerve and anxiety (which doesnt make much sense. yes i am an anxious person, but i never experience the palpitations when im actually nervous. it tends to happen when im completely chill and OK).

the doctor said it could be a wiring of the heart thing, so i should be seeing the electrophysiologist. 

so yeah. this post is probably long af but it doesn’t matter. i’ve been dealing with this stuff for years and its so frustrating. its not something i really sit down and vent about, so just typing it all up really distracts me from the situation and makes me feel ok. its getting even more frustrating bc im 18, in college and i have to turn down so many opportunities because im afraid of going out and having to deal with this. i cannot live my life until this stuff is resolved and im so excited to just figure it out. i just need to hear that im going to be just fine. if i could hear that, it’d be like starting over. i’d start getting active and not have to be scared and all that.

based on the good echos and the fact that i havent died yet i feel like it shouldnt be anything major. i just wanna get to the bottom of it.