#or just things that reveal too much about my life

[miley1442111]

regrets- s.reid

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summary: spencer comes back from prison and your grief and his cause the collapse of your world.

pairing: spencer reid x fem reader

warnings: suicide mentions, death, fighting, break-up, breif spencer in prison mentions (nothing about the storyline though dw)

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Spencer had always been skinny. He’d always been last picked for sports, and at the beginning of your relationship, he was nervous to be naked in front of you.

Were you two still even in a relationship? 

He’d been in prison, then he was out and saving his mom. Now he’s home. 

And you’re not. 

The first thing to do in his mind is to shower. He wanted to wash the last few days off of him. He hadn’t been in a comfortable place in a long time, so the shower seemed different, the products you used to use were gone, replaced by others. Did you even live here anymore? 

Getting naked was too difficult, every time he saw what he’d become, he felt the uncontrollable urge to vomit and not stop until he passed out. He sat in the bathroom for a long time, he wasn’t even sure how long. 

The front door opened. Your voice to someone over the phone, a rustling of bags and a sigh once the call was over. 

He had so many questions. Why hadn’t you been there? Where were you? You sent him letter after letter (ones he couldn’t bring himself to respond to) about not being able to wait to see him, about missing him, chewing him out for not letting you come see him. 

So where had you been?

“Fuck this fucking funeral,” you mumbled to yourself as you walked through your kitchen. “Fuck my life.”

You grabbed a cup of water as you felt the familiar sting of tears in the back of your throat. Spencer listened close to the bathroom door as you slowly broke down. It started as just a single sob. Then it progressed until you were fully crying on your kitchen floor and dialling someone’s number. 

“Y/n?” Penelope’s voice said from the other side of the line. 

“Hey,” you sighed. “I’m so sorry that you couldn’t reach me for the past few days, I was back in Vermont and I had no cell service. Anyways, any news on Spencer? I know that Diana got moved to a facility, any news from him? Did Luke or Jj visit?”

Spencer’s heart broke as he listened to you put everything aside just to ask about him. 

“Babe… Spencer got out three days ago,” she admitted.

Another stab to your already bleeding heart. Spencer watched as your face broke from the crack in the bathroom door. 

“Oh,” your voice broke. “Good.”

There was a long silence. 

“Do you know where he is?” You asked, ashamed that you had to ask someone else for the whereabouts of your fiancé.  

“I’m not sure, I’m so sorry girl-” Penelope’s comforting voice was cut off by you hanging up. The sobbing started again and Spencer just couldn’t take it anymore. He opened the bathroom door and revealed himself, tears in his own eyes. You scrambled up to your feet and approached him cautiously. 

“Hi,” he said, just above a whisper. 

“Hey,” you said, lip quivering. 

“What happened in Vermont?” He asked.

Your eyes dropped to the floor and he saw some tears fall. “My little sister killed herself.”

Spencer wanted nothing more than to grab you and hold you, but a voice in the back of his head told him that you’d reject him and call him disgusting. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here,” you shook your head. “I should’ve been here.”

“You didn’t-”

“I missed you so much Spencer,” you sighed, a watery smile on your lips. “Why didn’t you respond to my letters?” 

Spencer felt a weight on his chest tighten. “I-I couldn’t.” 

“You responded to everyone else's.”

“You’re different-”

“I’m expendable. I’m just here, all the fucking time, aren’t I? Do you even want to get married?” You demanded. 

Spencer brought a hand up to your cheek and wiped away a single tear. “I would marry you right now.”

You closed your eyes, pushing his hand away. “I’m sorry,” you cried. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

--------------------------

Spencer was quiet and allowed you your space, but still stayed close enough to be around. The following weeks were full of ups and downs, one of which ended with you sleeping on the couch. 

He’d said something stupid about you not trying hard enough with taking care of yourself, like he had any weight in that conversation. He couldn’t even look at himself. 

He didn't take kindly to that comment.

--------------------------

“You think it’s easy for me?” He asked. “I was in prison for-”

“You think that was easy for me? I was alone-”

“I never asked to be put in prison!” He shouted. 

“I never asked for my sister to kill herself!” You screamed. 

There was silence for a moment. 

“I’m done with you,” Spencer snapped. “We’re done.”

And your heart broke for a second time. 

--------------------------

“What happened?” Penelope asked, opening her door to you.

“We broke up,” you shrugged. “I need somewhere to stay until I can get an apartment.”

--------------------------

Penelope watched in horror as you went about your days as normal for the next three weeks. Acting as if nothing had even happened.  

Something had happened. Your life had changed in two major ways. You weren’t a fiancé anymore. You weren’t a sister anymore. You were nothing. At least, that’s what it felt like. 

And nothings aren’t FBI agents. 

--------------------------

You sat in Emily’s office with a sullen look on your face. Her’s had drained of all colour when you handed in your gun and resigned. 

“You’re serious?” she asked. 

“Deadly.” 

“You’re happy?” she asked again, meeting your eyes. 

“No.” 

She nodded, understanding your issues and pulled you in for a motherly hug. “We’ll miss you a lot.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” you sighed, lying to both of you. The phone would not be working both ways. She’d call and leave voice notes, and you’d listen to them but never reply. But it would be enough for the both of you. 

“You’d never be a stranger to me,” she smiled sadly. Emily had been like a sister since the beginning. She’d always looked out for you. She’d always been there for you. “I’d suggest cleaning out your desk before Reid comes in next week,” she nodded, wiping her tears. 

“It’s done.” 

Emily nodded, then smiled at you. “You’re going to do something so special.” 

“Thank you,’ you whispered, your emotions getting the better of you. 

--------------------------

“Where’s Y/n?” Spencer asked, sitting at the roundtable. “Her desk is empty.”

“She left last week, Spence,” Jj admitted. “We thought she’d told you?” 

“What? No, she didn’t tell me?” 

“She’s your fiancé Spencer, she obviously had to tell you.”

Penelope and Emily made brief eye-contact. Spencer looked down. 

“We broke up.” 

Jj’s jaw dropped, Luke’s jaw dropped. 

“She’s gone,” Emily sighed. “Sorry Spencer.”

--------------------------

Spencer’s world was in black and white. You were gone. You’d left. His love was gone. 

How would he survive?

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criminal minds masterlist :)

navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, marvel, top gun, challengers, the bear, the hunger games, obx+)

[where-does-the-heart-lie]

I'm up way later than I need to be and listening to music while I draw and this song gives me SUCH Sabo feelings and I would love to hear your opinions!! (Never Love An Anchor by The Crane Wives)

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Y07xArvIvjw&si=ffMbMHTWuHHnxY2C

You dare bring. The Crane Wives. Into this peaceful household.

Never Love an Anchor no less.

RELATING THE SONG TO THE BLORBO FROM MY SHOW NO LESS

The audacity.

Anyway.

Yeah it makes me think about how Sabo left Ace and Luffy on his own accord at the end. Of course it was a last resort but he left them because he knew that this was the only way for them all to be free.

He left knowing that he would probably not see him until they were 17. Or maybe even never again.

He left them so that they could be safe. Because as long as long as he was with him, as far as he could see, hands would still try to claim him, resulting in the ones he loves getting hurt.

There was no winning for Sabo or any of them. As long as he tried delaying the inevitable, it just never would have happened.

He had to give up what he loved so he could keep it.

And then after he regains his memories, him thinking how much he’s changed. His claws might hurt the one he loves so dearly, even though at this point he doesnt even know him anymore. What if when Luffy finds out that he was alive, it only hurts him deeper. Knowing that there was someone who would have made a difference that day wasnt there. Reliving not only that day in the moment of reuniting, but the say he lost Sabo, too.

I dont find it strange that Sabo didnt try to reunite with Luffy until dressrosa. And in fact i think that reuniting with luffy is something he did as an absolute last resort. I think he truly didnt want to meet him that day at all.

In the anime alone, it doesnt much show it, but in the manga and the Episode of Sabo his hesitance and nerves are really clear to me. He takes a second before he starts walking to talk to luffy. His hand is clutched and shaking. He walks as slowly as he can. And also he only does it after he knows that Luffy cant get the fruit.

They both need that fruit safe. An heirloom of their precious brother, the only thing they have left that can life on from him.

If Luffy could’ve finished that tournament, im fairly certain Sabo would’ve never revealed himself.

I think he feels like he might hurt luffy if he did, but i also think that he didnt feel he deserved it. To reunite with Luffy after all that time. After all that happened.

Going back to the song, the lyrics

“So, I did the only thing that i could And severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor.”

Even though it was Sabo who went sailing from the harbor, what he was doing was sever the rope from his connections with luffy and Ace so that they could grow and be free without worrying about being held back by him and the weight of his life keeping him suffocating at the bottom of the harbor he’s being drowned in.

If sabo had successfully left Goa that day, and he had reunited with Ace or Luffy somewhere down the line, i think he would act the same way he did in dressrosa that day. I think he would feel his baggage is too much, someone could be after him. And he wouldnt want to reunite. Especially after how he left them.

To me, that letter didnt read as a “i hope i see you again”, but a “goodbye forever”. Which i mean,,,, it was one, at least in Ace’s case, so … 🤷‍♀️ kill me

Anyway, the sentencing of your crimes of Crane Wives-ing me will be capital punishment, i hope you understand.

Thanks for the ask!

[verosikastrikerexcuser]

I’m still disappointed in the way they wrote Stella. It was so… boring. For a show that champions it’s “messy” and “morally grey” characters, Stella is turned into a one-dimensional hate sink who exists for the sole purpose of being mean to Stolas. The show never fails to consider that she was forced into this marriage too and retcon’s Octavia’s comments about them not always hating each other. Which sounds more interesting, a noblewoman forced into an arranged marriage who puts up with it for the sake of status until her husband threatens to bring it all crashing down upon both her and her daughter so she hires an assassin to prevent her life from going down the drain or a whiny brat who exists solely to torment him?

Yeup you can see how they retconned Octavia’s comments and things they established about Stella and Stolas etc. It’s really noticeable and it makes the show anger inducing. No, you can’t just go back on all that stuff you set up because it’s inconvenient now. The fact it’s done for the sake of some horrible forced ship that abuses Blitz makes it even worse.

Their attempts to dumb down Stella more and more to make her a villain actually just made my Stella sympathy even worse though, ironically. Because by adding Andrealphus they reveal they decided to write Stella as having no property rights. For some fucking reason. I guess marriage for goetia is different? But if Stolas dies it all goes to her Octavia, despite Stella being his wife. That’s how it would have operated for women irl hundreds of years ago and confirms Stella has no property ownership in the marriage (historically also why women couldn’t really vote, as voting has historically been tied to property ownership and married women, everything was automatically owned by their husband). And there’s no way Stella could have just decided to work or do something else because the marriage was arranged since childhood. The arranged marriage favours Stolas and protects him more than her so it’s even worse for her. I wish more people analysed that part and talked about it cuz it’s nuts they wrote that like it’s nothing and makes Stella even more of a bitch or something. If they do some sad arc where Stella’s horrible for expecting to be able to still live somewhere and own a home after the divorce because that’s stealing from poor Stolas and she doesn’t deserve anything at all from him!!!!!1 I will actually fucking scream. Who said it Reddit bros who don’t think women should have divorce rights or Helluva Boss lmao.

The “Why do you stay” (I don’t remember exactly how it goes) lines from Stolas boil my blood because of that too. Like what the fuck do you mean? She’s your wife which according to what we’ve seen, for goetia, means owning nothing and everything going to your husband. She’s not like you Stolas. She can’t just leave like you. She has nowhere to go as far as we know except maybe her brothers but he’s a condescending creep towards her and she still wouldn’t have any control or actually own anything. Also she had Octavia to think about too with moving and leaving. Stolas’ home is Stella’s by just as much, and it’s hers by way less choice than it is Stolas’.

Why in the fuck did they make a cheated on woman with no property rights “just a bitch” the list of reasons Stella has to be rightfully angry is actually crazy. As well as the fact she owns nothing and had no choice in marrying him, she also has Stolas cheating on her in her own fucking bed! He brings other people home and fucks them on the bed she has to sleep next to him in. He is brazen and completely unapologetic about cheating on her right in her face. His lines about finding a hotel, they’re him saying he’s just sorry he got caught, that’s it. They imply he absolutely is going to do it again since his concern is just not getting yelled at for it and he has no shame in telling her that. She also has Stolas reading smut at the dinner table, saying completely inappropriate things in front of their daughter, and him calling her a bitch to Octavia.

Making Stella say she sticks around just to torment Stolas is weak. All this rage and her not wanting him to cheat yet no, she definitely doesn’t love him or care or anything she’s just mean and likes being spiteful. WHAT? She puts so much energy into all the yelling and makes all the spiteful remarks “just because”? Not because she’s hurt instead? There’s not a single thing other than random spite motivating her? It’s shit. You are right anon. All these well explored, humanized morally grey characters and yet the one with a plethora of understandable reasons for being mad isn’t allowed to be mad about any of the actual reasons she has to be. Rather she’s mean just so she can be a yaoi fanfic antagonist opposing the sexy mlm relationship. It’s transparent, childish and it’s boring. Dare I say it’s misogynistic too. It’s atrocious writing plain and simple.

[katyawriteswhump]

eternal summer

For  @harringrovesummerbingo

Title: Eternal Summer  Square and prompt: C2 “Is your dream more important than me?” Rating: M WC: 570. Major tags: Harringrove, angst, non-explicit smut, Incubus!Billy, age gap, no upside down au, dark-ish ending which is also a happy ever after, slightly soft harringrove.

and @harringrovemicroficandart 4 prompts, fingers/slipping through my fingers by ABBA, mention of Jim Hopper. WC: 570.

Summary: Billy's nature enslaved him into killing pretty things. Then Steve happened.

...

“What are you thinking about?” asked Steve, rolling over on the pillows beside Billy.

Billy couldn’t look Steve in the eye. “Just some dream.” 

“You look pretty pissed about it.”

Billy sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed. “It made me think. Listen, I’ve gotta—"

“Is your dream more important than me?” Steve’s voice cracked. “Last night you said… Look, if you were shitting me… C’mon, be honest!” 

“Jesus, you’re needy! Yeah! I meant it. I love you.” Billy scrubbed his face wearily. “Got lost in dreams about you.”

“Oh. Why the sad-face… Crap!”

Billy jumped Steve, pinning him on his back, wrists secured either side of his head. Steve giggled, and Billy melted. God, Billy was two millennia old! The heat must’ve gone to his head to make him feel like a real dumb teen.

“What happened in that dream?” 

I made you mine forever. “You accuse me of talking too much?”

Billy silenced Steve with a searing kiss, enjoying Steve’s struggles, as he moaned, desperate, into Billy’s throat. He knew it confused Steve—how Billy was always stronger. When Billy pinned him, he could never fight free.

The kiss grew rough, bruising. Billy sensed the delicious tingle of Steve’s lifeforce ebbing from him. Tears pressed in Billy’s eyes:

I figured you were a bully. I meant to fuck you all summer, then disappear, leaving Hopper scratching his head over a dead teen, like a hundred lawmen before. Then I watched you ditch your friends to look after a bunch of nerdy kids. You begged for love, and I got weak. Now I dream of keeping you always as you are right now—a freeze-frame saved from the crazy tricks of time.

“Fuck me,” gasped Steve, interlacing his fingers with Billy’s, clinging.

“Gotta go.” I stay, you’re gonna get sick and die, or else I’m gonna have to… 

Steve pouted. Christ, he was such a kid! Billy unthreaded their fingers, letting Steve’s hand drop like a stone.

Later, Billy loaded up the Camaro. A BMW tore up and Steve jumped out: “You weren’t even gonna say goodbye?”

I should’ve hauled ass quicker.

“YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!” Steve grabbed Billy’s collar, got right in his face. 

Billy shoved him away: “Dumbest mistake I ever made.”

In a flash of golden light, Billy revealed his true demon form. Steve staggered back, covering his face then peeping between his fingers:

“Holy shit! Are you an angel?” 

Billy reinstated his glamor, wondering what Steve had seen. Poor pretty fool must genuinely love him back. Only love played crazier tricks than time. 

Laughing, Billy took his trembling prey in his arms: “I’m a demon, Steve. An Incubus. If I stay, I’ll slowly suck”—literally fuck —”your life from you.”

“Wha—” Steve took a beat, frowned: “Is that like a vampire? You could turn me too, right?”

“Doesn’t work quite like that. I could make you my thrall.”

“Wha… I don’t know what that is.”

That night, Billy spread Steve out on the bed beneath him. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” Steve’s voice was tight. “You’re gonna fuck me all night, and then… Jesus, will it hurt?”

“No.” Billy trailed his fingers down the curve Steve’s throat, over his quivering lifeblood. Then spiralling down his spine, lower, deeper, relishing Steve’s throaty growls, the little trembles beneath his skin.

No slipping from my grasp now.

For the first time ever, Billy was gonna actually make love.

[wholoveseggs]

I can't believe I have reached 1000 followers. It's mind boggling and wonderful, and I'm so, so grateful.

I'm trying to picture one thousand of you in a room with me, that would be one hell of a party...

So, as a thank you, I'm going to do something I've never done before - an AMA!

Now of course I won't reveal too much about my personal life {I have to maintain the illusion that I am interesting} but I will answer questions about anything else.

I'm bursting with opinions on everything and nothing.

Feel free to ask about:

♡ Anything about my fics, the worst thing I've written, my favorite piece of work, any lingering questions you have!

♡ Anything on TV/Films/Books/Video Games {I love sci-fi & horror most of all}

♡ My {somewhat controversial} opinions on the tvdu...

♡ Don't get me started on the music on the originals {I could write a 30 page essay on it~ I love it so much}

&& Anything else you can think of!

I'll be answering all of the questions on Thursday June 6th (EDT? I don't understand time zones, let's just say around midnight on the east coast of North America?) This day also happens to be my birthday {yikes i'm old} so what better way to spend it {I will be drunk}...

Oh! and one more thing, after the AMA, I will be revealing a {stupid} ~secret~ about the name of my blog.

Why wholoveseggs? Nobody asked... well I do have an answer ~lol

Thanks for all the support everyone, I love writing for all of you & I appreciate every like, request, comment & reblog...

xoxoxo

~Lissa

[bacchuschucklefuck]

love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest

[squishdraws]

no i will post this actually

[stergeon]

for the writer ask

💭🚦💛 💌

💭 What inspires you and your writing?

this is a real marketing major-ass answer (from your local marketing major), but i love sharing knowledge and telling stories. writing’s one of those things that’s a bit of a compulsion for me—i’m always writing something. i took a five-year break from fiction writing before i stumbled ass-first into fanfic last year, but even in those years when i was focusing on my career, i was writing guides and trainings and a ton of other stuff—just not anything fun, lol.

writing is also so cathartic. sometimes i set out to tell a specific story, but at other times, a particular emotion gets me in a vice grip and i have to put it to words before it’ll go away. my stories tend to wind up as emotional dumping grounds as a result.

i don’t write things pulled directly from my own life, but there are bits and pieces of myself and things that have happened to me scattered throughout stuff i’ve written, and usually when i’m about 75% of the way through a piece, i’ll realize it’s absolutely related to something i’m currently going through. funny how art works that way, even when you don’t intend for it to.

and occasionally i just have a fire lit under my ass about an issue and i get so hot about it that i gotta compile my thoughts. looking at you, silver snow

🚦 What sort of endings do you prefer to write: ambiguous, bad, happily ever after, etc.?

look, i would love nothing more for them girls (pick whichever girls you please) to have a happy ending where they kiss and are stupid in love for the rest of forever. i love reading those kinds of stories. but in my heart of hearts, i love an ambiguous ending. i like when there are still questions after the story ends. i like thinking about where things could go or how the characters will go on after the events of the story. like, shared space could be read as having a happy ending, but i don’t really think it is. and with the victors; the vestiges, well. you’ll see :0)

come to think of it, i’m not sure i’ve ever written a happily-ever-after, but i don’t think i’ve ever written a 100% bad ending, either. i read too many bury-your-gays stories and watched too many sad european queer coming-of-age films in my youth to ever be happy putting that kinda thing out into the world. i want to write about love with all its ugliness, but not despair or hopelessness. i think what most appeals to me about an ambiguous ending is that lingering feeling of hope. it’s not the same as the kind you get from a happily-ever-after, and something about it speaks to me.

💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing?

honestly? how to take criticism. i took a creative writing class in high school where we had to read our work out loud and then receive feedback on it from the other writers in the class, and that did a lot for me. going into that class, i’d already been writing for forever and had won some little local writing contests and such, so i was a wee bit of a pretentious douche. but i’d never gotten real critique before beyond, essentially, spelling and grammar checks. it humbled me lol. it made me grow so much as a writer, and i could see where i needed to improve or where my head was wedged way too far up my own ass for others to follow. it also helped me recognize strengths i didn’t know i had, and that was huge. it’s easy to get into a self-doubt spiral when making creative work, and good, constructive criticism can do so much to help avoid that.

to this day i love critique. i like knowing what worked or didn’t work so that i can continue to improve as a writer and do better next time. did my themes land? did something really work, but another part fall flat? i’d love to know!! i try to treat everything i write as practice for the next thing, and frankly that’s helped take some of the pressure off so i don’t go into total Perfectionist Mode.

i know critique is kind of a sensitive topic in fan spaces, but i think that’s because a lot of people have gotten unsolicited criticism that is purely critical and isn’t constructive. but getting good, constructive criticism will do so much to help a person grow as a writer. it’s scary, and sometimes it hurts! writing is very personal for most people, and it stings when things aren’t received the way you think they will be. but i know i’ve grown more from having my failures pointed out (and, very importantly, having the good things about those efforts acknowledged) than anything else.

💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

actually Just answered this in another ask!

[pepprs]

feeling despair i don’t know how to put into words. im trying to figure out why im like this and how i got to be this way but i can’t even do it bc of the way i am and what im like. if that makes sense. like the problem prevents me from fixing the problem bc i can’t get to the root of it. despair despair despair

[weaselshaped]

Hmm I need to make another embarrassing gender post but not right now I think

[starlooove]

No bc I’m going on a block spree for these posts and I’m getting offended FOR tim…like damn y’all really can’t think of shit else

[halforcdad]

really saw someone call lucy immature and compare lucy not telling kate she was looking for a new apartment to lucy getting upset at kate for not telling her why she made the move from DIA to FBI (to point out the hypocrisy of not communicating) like what is context

[vettely]

.

[wrecking]

genuinely just want to lay in bed and cry all the time as of late but you know i can’t just like Do that so i need to find some form of outlet for this

edit: i did not expect the tags to be this long, sorry for that

[elibeeline]

Its 'i woke up too early and fell back asleep and had a crazy dream' day 🙃

[dadbots]

To do what I want and to do what makes me happy.