#or say i need april to do my uni work

[selfconsumerofmywoes]

my only two holiday conditions: not in april, and not over 750 quid

every holiday my mate sends me: april, £850+

[signed-sapphire]

Hi this is late but idc

Here it is… Saph’s DTIYS! ✨

The composition gave me hell but my iPad is already gone soooo you’re going to have to deal with this <3

Questions:

Does this have to be in The Fallen Star AU?

You can draw this in any Wish AU you’d like, whether it be canon, The Fallen Star, or yours! Bonus points if it’s TFS, but whatever you choose works

How do I let you know it’s done?

Tag me when you’re finished! @signed-sapphire (If I don’t respond within a day or so, DM me!)

The tag for this will be #thefallenstardtiys

Will there be a winner?

You know what, sure! This DTIYS will last from, say… 29 March (today) — 20 April. My iPad should be back by then.

On 20 April, I’ll choose a first, second, and third place.

FIRST PLACE PRIZE: Coloured drawing with simple background— shading dependent on the complexity of the subject! Coloured lineart

SECOND PLACE PRIZE: Flat coloured drawing, simple background, coloured lineart

THIRD PLACE PRIZE: Coloured drawing, no background, black lineart

Please note that not all of these prizes will come out right away! Please be patient, I am a uni student with finals coming up

Idk if you need clarification on places lmk

Will you reblog every entry?

Uhhhh I’ll try for sure! Again, if I don’t seem to have seen yours, DM me!

Anything else?

Have fun with it! If anything is confusing, let me know!

Alt versions below

[bellewintersroe]

Sebastian Vettel x RBDesignEngingeer! Reader.

Set in 2013 during the GP, Jennifer is fresh out of uni and has made a name for herself within the F1 world. She joins Redbull-Renault as one of their engineer designers and easily fits into the team, forming friendships easily. Most of all, she captures the attention of three time world champion, Sebastian Vettel.

Part 4 - here is the LINK to the previous part. Warnings: mentions of prior abuse, but I’m not going into detail, some swear words, Sebastian comforts Jen and he’s very open about how he values her and feels towards her. Basically Seb is just a huge softie. Taglist: @rainerax - comment if you wanna be added at all &lt;;3

Shanghai, China, April 2013.

When I arrived in Shanghai for the Chinese Grand Prix I felt completely on edge. The last time I’d seen many of these people was after a drunken exchange with my ex boyfriend which left me with a slowly fading bruise to my left brow bone. My usual concealer had been layered over the mark and my caramel coloured hair had been pushed in front of my eye, just to add an extra concealment.

Despite the nerves and anxiety of coming back, I still did feel good. I was excited to be in China, it was overwhelmingly hot, a different kind to what it felt like in Europe, I avoided sweating at all costs by staying in the garages, doing my best to keep at work whilst the engineers outside worked hard to put together the last of the track and surrounding areas. My head set was on and I was extremely focused on the report from Mark’s car performance in Malaysia. So many numbers, so, so many numbers…

I was blind to the people around me. I had to remain so focused that I didn’t even realise when a blonde man was sat besides at me, smiling away whilst I squinted back to the vibrant of the computer screen. “2…3, 50 Kilo-” “Two, three, fifty?!” A voice startled me, I jumped back in my chair, hand simultaneously pushing back my headset as I raised my brows to see Sebastian sat in the chair besides me. I gasped audibly out loud as he snickered, waiting for my response. “Sebastian! Hi! I’m sorry, you shit me up!” I cursed, holding my hand to my chest. “Sorry.” He teased, moving forwards with his arms out. My heart was in my throat for a reason other than being startled, the fact he was here, right besides me after two whole weeks. “How are you?” I pressed a hand to the back of his shoulder, his warmth radiating through his fireproof shirt. “Very good, better if you replied to my text…” my voice hitched, my jaw was slack as I casted my mind all the way back to the taxi ride. “Oh my god, Sebastian!” Again, I gasped, rummaging for my phone. “Fuck, I was in the taxi. I’m so sorry, that’s so rude of me!” I fumbled but Sebastian just laughed putting a hand on mine to settle the clumsy movements.

“There you go breaking my heart again, Jennifer.” Seb dramatically sighed as I slumped slightly, watching back to him with an amused smirk. “Shut up.” I glanced back to my computer. “Maybe I didn’t reply to you for a reason.” I teased as he pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek. “Your feisty boyfriend had something to say about it?” He, again, smirked as I felt something pang in my upper stomach. Turning back to my laptop, I began awkwardly laughing. “Ex- boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Seb sounded like his breath was heavy as I gnawed on my bottom lip gently. “Yeah..” I inhaled through my teeth awkwardly. “I’m really sorry about how he acted in the club before we left. That was so embarrassing.” I cringed even thinking about it. “You don’t need to apologise.” Seb lowered his voice to a more serious tone, resting on the desk besides me as he played with his fingers, the two of us making eye contact again. My stomach was fluttering from a mixture of nerves and the fact his shoulder was brushing against my own.

“It wasn’t you that did anything. I think he was just threatened, after all. Are you surprised?” He then teased causing another smile to grow on my lips. I nudged into him, feeling him laugh and place a hand on my upper back briefly. “I hate you, Seb.” I joked.

“That’s not nice.” He pouted as I playfully rolled my eyes, nudging into him once more, just a little more lightly before I turned back to my computer screen with a smile. After a few more seconds, I could feel Seb’s gaze on me, and when his finger reached out to brush my hair away from my eye, I flinched back in response. “I’m clumsy when I’m drunk.” I pushed my hair back over my eye as Seb’s smile faded ever so slightly. “I know…” It seemed like he forced his lips to twitch back up again, but when he did I just pretended like nothing else had been noticed and got back to my work. On the inside I was screaming, my heart was pacing and I was for some reason worried he’d put the piece together of where the bruises actually came from.

An hour or so later I’d bumped into Hannah again, greeting her excitedly with a hug and kiss on the cheek. “It feels like ages since I’ve last seen you!” I giggled.

“I know! It feels like months! How are you?”

“Good thank you! And you?” “Good, good to be back! Your eye okay?” She frowned, nudging my hair back slightly. “Oh yeah, my nephew accidentally knocked it the other day. Looks worse than what it is.” The lie fell easily off my lips. “Is he young?” She smiled. “5, his sisters 1 and they’ve already got another on the way.” That wasn’t a lie, and bringing up my nephews and nieces was a good way to get out of any topic of conversation about anything uncomfortable. “Cute!” Hannah grinned as I turned to my right slightly, noticing Sebastian lingering. My smile faltered, putting two and two together. I’d told him something completely different about how I injured my face. Forcing another small smile, I was quick to spin back around to my computer, acting busier than ever as I continued to make random small talk with Hannah. I just prayed to god he wouldn’t bring it up or he’d forgot, and for the next few minutes I had gotten away with the little white lie. The thought played on my mind for the rest of the day. I knew Sebastian heard me loud and clear, so as soon at 5PM hit I was ready to get the hell out of there and back to my hotel room. “Hey, Jen! Are you coming out for food later?” James called out just as I got to the door. “Oh, sure, what time?!” The delay caused me to stumble clumsily forwards and two hands to grab my shoulders. Sebastian stood, steadying me. “Oh! Seb, sorry!” I giggled, gazing up to the man. His hair was covered with a RedBull cap and he for some reason was looking better than ever.

“That’s ok. Could I grab you for a minute?” His brows twitched slightly as I struggled to make eye contact. Fuck. He was going to bring it up. I knew he was. “Yeah, sure.” I breathlessly spoke, seeing him nod as he left a gentle hand on my upper back.

“Text me, James! I’ll be there.” I called back out to my fellow design engineer before heading out of the garages into the space between paddock and grid. “It’s coming together nice out here.” I nervously spoke, clutching my bag tightly over my shoulder.

“Yeah, it is.” Sebastian sighed from behind me as I pursed my lips anxiously. I felt like I was delaying the inevitable by walking two steps ahead of him, so I paused, turning to face him.

“What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

“I just…” Sebastian began with a frown. My heart began drumming against my ribs, “you know how much I care for you.” He began as I tightened my jaw, staring down to the ground.

“I just wanted to see if everything was ok.” He managed to blurt out as I stole a glimpse up to him again. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” I lightly asked as he let out a gentle sigh. “He shouldn’t lay a finger on you.” The German man finally spoke as I felt cheeks warm in embarrassment. “I heard him yelling at you, I’m sorry it’s none of my business, but- I-I know he’s done that to you. I should’ve followed you out.” I paused completely now, standing face to face with him. My heart crumbled at the regret on his voice, his brows were furrowed and he had a blue expression lingering over his features.

I inhaled to begin speaking, but the words fell flat again. “I’m sorry.” Sebastian muttered.

“You just… deserve better than that, somebody who would value you, I would value you.” The last sentence of his words, again, struck something deep inside of me.

“Seb-“ I began. “You don’t need to put up with that, I won’t allow it.”

“Seb, I’m- I’ve left him. Right after that night.” I voice was a little breathless and I did feel slightly uncomfortable talking about the topic.

There was a look of relief that covered his face, I offered him a gentle smile. “I would treat you how you deserve.” He then stated as I felt a little confused with his words. “And I would kill him for laying a finger on you.” He continued as I sucked in my bottom lip, gaze falling to the ground. Was he admitting something to me? Whatever it was it felt like the complete wrong timing, I hated myself for feeling a sense of happiness at what he was admitting.

“It’s okay.” I reassured, gazing back up to him. Sebastian again, had a saddened look on his face. “Let me take care of you.” He stepped forwards gently as my heart began fluttering. I couldn’t, something else washed over me, panic? Guilt? It was too early and I couldn’t believe I was about to say it- “I-I don’t need taking care of. I just need some time.” I explained as he gulped, nodding as he followed along with my words. What exactly was he trying to tell me?

“I’m sorry-”

“No, no I understand. Completely, Jen.” He rubbed at my arm as I offered him a sad kinda smile. He looked slightly deflated, and every time he’d glimpse at the bruise on my eye I could practically see his stomach churn in anger. “I do appreciate it though.” I slipped forwards, easily into his arm. The hug was the first major close contact I’d had with him, it felt so good. “You know I’d say yes I just need a little time.” I rubbed at his back, sighing into the contact as he grazed a hand down my hair. God, I’d needed this hug so badly. “I can give you all the time in the world…” Oh Sebastian, he was breaking my fragile heart…

[megumi-fm]

26th to 30th Apr; doa🚲 complete!!

hi. gah. okay. here's my wrap up for the month

📝 prepped for and completed the last set of internal tests for this degree [2/2] (which I got through after much cribbing and whining and quite literally projecting study topics onto my blorbos 👍 ) 📝 started GRE prep!

🎓 got some gradecard related paperwork done 🎓 spoke to my prof regarding my internship deliverables for uni—report format, certificate requirements, etc etc

📥 I voted! it was the first central elections since I turned to an adult and the whole experience was quite interesting

💻 completed a bunch of tasks for my internship

💻 made like a super extensive flowchart about all the work done at my internship which took me like a total of 20+ hours T-T 💻 finished preparing my Uni Internship presentation! 💻 submitted the presentation to the assistant guide, waiting on her response to make changes atm

🍶 7+ glasses of daily water intake 🎵 svt's new single is out and I've been going insane about it and thus this challenge comes to an end... I had started this off as an 18day daily habit tracker but then it kind of grew out into a challenge for the month. Special thanks to Yumi the loml <3 (@thelastneuron) for starting the Days of April challenge (Yumi idk when you'll see this but i miss you and I hope you've been kicking ass during your hiatus). also massive thanks to Zip (@zipstidbits) for leaving the kindest comments/tags on my post during the past week and to Tanishka (@booksbluegurl) who is literally the sweetest and has been sending in asks and keeping me company during this challenge <3

there's a lot more i wanna yap about in regards to how the month went but I'll leave that under the tags xD goodnight besties <3

month end brainrot

april started off with dips and more dips but by the end of the month it feels like I've caught up. productivity is a wave so as long as I keep riding at it i'll be okay.

also. progress is cumulative. even the seemingly inconsequential completion of daily tasks has lead to an overall improvement through the week. things add up

I spent a lot of time this month (and moreso this past week) feeling dejected that I've been leaving my tracker posts (and my digital planner entries) incomplete... but like. the whole point of trackers and planners (and this studyblr) is to get work done. work is the priority and the tracking is a means to an end. so if im getting work done that is already a win. yeah... i've had to keep reminding myself that

there is no one-tool-fix for tracking and journalling. what works for planning out one task will not work for the other. I need to strop trying to fit all my plans into one formulaic strategy box

on that note. it's time to return to handwritten journaling. digital journalling (notion + YPT + discord + tumblr) was fun while it lasted <3 but my brain needs novelty again so it's time i switch back. I think I finally have an idea for a system that could be sustainable for me... although I say that every time I switch to a new form of tracking. but hey. as long as it helps me get work done for whatever duration of time, it's good enough

using kpop and kdrama references to make notes and study really paid off. ngl I only did it cause I was super desperate but incorporating stuff I couldn't understand with a topic I really like paid off. It also gave me the motivation and momentum to study for much longer than I otherwise would have

last but not least. my water intake has been really good this month! I've also been eating healthy and I've been cooking more my phone usage has also been reduced by a lot. sure none of them have had a perfect streak but i started at zero and it feels like I've levelled up quite a bit. the exercise component has been a bit difficult to maintain given my workload :/ i need to figure out what to do about that...

yep. that's it for now. this month really tired me out, I think im gonna lay off daily challenges for a while. For now I guess I'll stick to my (bi?tri?)weekly tracker posts xD

[abel-draws]

******CLOSED!

Hi!

I'm an industrial design and product development engineer and I'm in my last year of university, working on my dissertation.

For said dissertation I'm working on a desk designed from the very beginning to focus on making the struggles of people with ADHD a bit easier, keping the price as affortable as possible.

Before developing the product further, I would like to gather information from adults (16+) with ADHD (it can be self-diagnosed) related to desk preferences, ADHD struggles and what tactics each person uses to make their life easier.

If you would like to help, please fill in the survey in the next link! It will only take around 5 minutes. Thanks a lot!

If you can't take the survey, sharing it is enormously appreciated!

The survey will be availeable for a week, from the 8th of April to the 15th of April, 2023.

As an update to this:

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who participated. It was incredibly heartlifting and motivating to see how many people were willing to helpout and provide information. It helped me a lot BUT

Uni sucks ass :) my teacher, who didn't warn me about this beforehand, said that I could not use the survey at all in the dissertation due to it not being done officially with the uni :) so..... I wrote 30 pages of survey analysis for nothing woo :)

She also made me change the whole core concept of it (making something affordable that'd fit the needs and preferences of people with ADHD, turning it into an expensive as hell, techy thing) so that she'd let me pass :)

That is to say, university is the worst but I am free and I still learnt a lot from this. I'd love to do a desk for myself one day at least using this, maybe publish the blueprints or something, but doing custom furniture is not cheap sajlkfsajlkf it'd still be quite nice tho

University is a lie but I am Free from it at last so I can thrive. Life beyond the walls of uni is more beautiful lmao

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

ONLY FRIENDS EP 8 Thoughts

The scene with Cheum and April is cute and everything but it super hilights that Cheum doesn't really care about Ray. Because "A good boy as turned into a shitty one" I'M SORRY!! He is more like Ray so now he is shitty?? Is this behiavior only ok when Ray does it??? Did they just give up?? If this is is so shitty then why are they still friends with Ray??

Oh Sand. He looks like the perfect picture for disappointed but not suprised. I recognize that particular brand of resignation, from one poor person to another.

That little moment of esitation on Ray's part, he was hoping that Sand would light his cigarette again.

This interaction is so different from all the other ones. It's colder a little bit. Like not even the one in the pool bar when Sand told Ray about the tape was this cold. It's like Sand put all his walls back up, and probably some new ones.

The way eyes were wet when Sand asked that question. And Sand is just congratulation also with wet eyes. HUGH!!!!!

Such a waste of Time!!! AHHHHHH!!! Sand is talking about himself!!! He was a waste of time!!!!!!!!! My baby!!!

I love that Ray can tell that Sand is not ok and asks. But all of his walls are back up. So of course Sand says he is ok. He has a hard time admitting needing help in normal circumstances.

Look at how hopeful Ray is when he asks to still be friends. My heart.

Brutal! Deserved. But Brutal!!

When I'm with you I'm so happy!!!! OMG!! They are trying to kill me.

There was a moment when it almost worked on Sand. He was softening ever so slighty. But then he resisted. I'm so proud of him. I know it's not gonna last long. But still.

You might even be happier!! Nooo Sand don't sell yourself short like this!!!

Let me go already!!

OH NO!! The fight between Yo and his boyfriend!! AHHHH. That was in the MV but I'm not ready.

She scared you dumbass!!!!!!!!!!!! I know he is confused and being broken up with. But still.

Breaking up before he can break up with her, because at least like that she in control. :(((((((

That was a good hug. First looks like he gives great hugs.

Mew is not happy. He is definately depressed and using Ray to feel something. And Ray is too happy to finally get this to notice. Because if he noticed then he will see it's nto working. And then what??

Top!! Look at him he is all hurt and in pain. He is so pathethic I love him so much.

Top knows he is not happy. He can see it. He is not blinded by the happiness like Ray is.

See he is with him because Ray is safe. At least he doesn't lie to me.

THE UNI FIGHT!!!!!

Sand is so suprisded to see him. He immidiately wants to leave.

Ray is being all cute again. And Sand is trying so hard to be strong. SO HARD!!!

God!! Ray is putting out all the stops here. BE STRONG SAND!! SAY NO!!!

So kindergardeners in the trailer is probably Ray's social work. I bet one of the parents there is going to Sand's dad.

Look at Ray go. He is laying it on thick!!!!!!!

Sand is wavering. It's wokring. BE STRONG SAND!!!! He wavered. This is not the uni fight. But they will have that fight in that room, probably in a different episode.

Cheum is so worried about Mew that I understand why she wasn't more angry for longer. She also wants the old Mew back.

I do believe him.

NICKKK!!! Sneaky way to ask if he is single.

I'm not sure if this is giving me creepy vibes or not.

He must be his senior at his Uni department. And look at that he is single too. What a coincidence.

He was definately flirting.

Finally Title.

Really Boston you don't know???

Do I sense a hook up?? That is going to be a thing isn't???

Mew wants to change, because everything reminds him Top, of who he was before. Of the person Top broke.

Let's hire a DJ so I don't have to look at Sand while I'm trying to be happy to finally have you. I SEE YOU RAY!!

I love this scene. Where they all get the invite. Wonderful.

He didn't want to kiss Ray when they were alone but he kissed him in front of Top.

If Ray was sober he probably would have noticed.

Cheum invited Top. Sticking up for him. Hoping they get back together or just that he helps her get the old Mew back

Cheum really doesn't care that much for Ray does she. He is fun to party with. But now suddenly Mew is doing it too so it's wrong.

Also they are all a mess.

Sand went because Nick wanted to go but didn't want to go alone!! That's so cute. They are the only good friends in this show.

Didn't we agree to move on together??? You are not doing a great job either Sand. Who said yes to help Ray with singing to the kids???

Ouch. Once again deserved. But ouch.

Sand should punch him in the face for this bullshit.

YEP YEP YEP YEP!! It's happening!!!!! I knew it. How long did you know you liked Men that's where it starts.

ATOM YOUR SISTER IS GAY HOW ARE YOU SUPRISED BY THIS????????????????

Cheum arrived and put a stop to it. But it will for sure happen.

The treath was there. It was subtle but it was there.

Mew is so broken.

YEPPPPPPP I knew that was gonna happen as soon as I saw the cops in the trailer. He is bribing them.

Oh this hurts.

Top is with Mew, Ray is alone. Cheum and April are together. And Nick and Sand are going home alone. Nick is sad. I love that Sand didn't stay with Ray.

BOSTON AND ATOM!!! I love the fact that Boston has this little moments with Atom all night where it looks like Atom is hangling for something and Boston is hesitating a little. Because even if they are in a fight that is his friend little brother. ATOM WANTS TO EXPIREMENT!!! And Boston will not be the bigger man for long. Not is sex is on the table!!!!!!!

PREVIEW

Daddy Dan!!!!!

Boston and Atom!!

Mew and Ray definately break up. Probably at the start of the episode. It's probably going to be a mutual it's not working converstation.

Mew is still not totally the old Mew. But he and Top seem to be back together in a very non healthy way. That was also in the MV now that I think about it. Them dating but not totally trusting each other.

The UNI FIGHT. And a confession.

[chen-chen-chen-again-chen]

Hi, hello, hola, and happy Stab Caesar Day! Tumblr ate my original draft because, um, I guess its hunger is horrible and insatiable? But here I am for take two. Thank you to @artsyunderstudy, @larkral, and @forabeatofadrum, who tagged me today and who continue to craft delightful things.

Updates on My Good Egg (Good morning, good night, good morning): My plan of posting Chapter 4 today ain't gonna happen. I updated the author's notes, but the next posting date is TBD. I need to focus on my health right now, and then I'll be travelling for a bit (March 24-April 7). But hey, if you've been meaning to read this one, now's a great time to catch up? 🤣

In the meanwhile, I'll share a snippet featuring several of my OCs, Baz's queer, chaotic uni friends. Behind the cut for mild spice. 🌶️

Bunce goes off with Simon so that she can pump the American bartender for information, and as soon as they’re out of earshot, Emma leans forward, her eyes glittering. “Well?”

“Well what.”

“I told Liu and Ramesh you got kidnapped,” Emma says, waving her hand dismissively, “and of course we’re all very worried and hope you’re doing okay and acclimating to regular life again, but have. You. Ridden. That.” 

Baz regrets downing a few rats before they left for the pub, because it means he has enough blood in him to blush. “We’ve been figuring out this kidnapping situation,” he says coolly. “It hasn’t left much time for carnal pursuits.” 

“Baz,” Liu says, aghast. “Why haven’t you fucked that nice himbo? He’s clearly gagging for it - he couldn’t stop staring at your arse in those jeans.” 

“Is he a himbo?” Ramesh says. He pulls out a pen and starts to doodle a triple Venn diagram on a napkin. “He seemed like more of a twunk to me. And he’s got a great bear belly.” 

“Ladies,” Emma says, her hands fluttering in mock-distress, “please don’t objectify that sweet boy before Baz gets to objectify him. Baz will eat his fill of the man-meat and then give us a report.” 

(Please put in the comments/tags if you think Simon Snow is a twunk, a himbo, or something else delightful. 🤣)

Hello tags and tagbacks: @whogaveyoupermission, @cutestkilla, @facewithoutheart, @captain-aralias, @fatalfangirl, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @whogaveyoupermission (THE EDGING CONTINUES), @raenestee, @ileadacharmedlife, @shrekgogurt, @hushed-chorus, @shemakesmeforget, @theimpossibledemon, @imagineacoolusername

More about the hiatus for My Good Egg:

(Warning for some hard stuff, Big Feelings, trauma recovery. Feel free to skip and just bask in Ides of March posts instead!)

Okay, so introspective life/writing blather here... I keep meaning to write a post, at some point, about some of the best practices that I follow when I am writing about material that is heavy, like in Baker boxer teacher grief or the Rosethorn girl universe.

A lot of stuff that works for me is probably self-evident: go slow, be gentle, ground yourself, talk to safe people, have a release valve, be able to walk away, offer yourself a lot of self-care and self-compassion, take care of the soft animal of your body. And don't feel like you have to put everything in - some of what you can write can just be for you, and it can be enough to have written it, and not include it in the finished product.

I honestly didn't expect Good morning, good night, good morning to get me where I live. It is, as I've always maintained, a dumb horny rom com (that somehow developed a plot and backstory and plot TWISTS and OCs but ANYWAY). But there was a line in Chapter 3 that kept rattling around in me:

“You were a kid,” Simon says, his voice low and angry. “You were just a kid.” 

This is not the first time I've been triggered by own fic (and probably won't be the last, LOL!), but this one did me a doozy. I've had to take a few steps back, and just focus on recovering from trauma that's been reactivated in my body. It is wild what the body remembers, and how it holds onto pain.

(There is, at the same time, other stuff happening with my family with grief and estrangement and just a whole mischegoss of hard feelings, so that adds another element into the mix.)

To circle back round to My Good Egg: I'm putting it to the side for now while I tend to my health and just recovering from the past few weeks. It's funny - I don't think it's a particularly angsty story or one that does a super deep dive into trauma, but I need to take some pieces off my plate right now, and this fic is one of them.

I will always keep writing - the WIP game has been a delightful brain refresher, and I have a very fun Six Sentence Sunday post that I'm already excited to share. But for now, My Good Egg is gonna have a li'l nap. When I come back to it, I think I'll switch over to writing the second draft in its entirety, and then posting the chapters weekly, whenever that happens. I'm not putting a timeline on it right now.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk making your way through this personal essay, if you've gotten this far. I am continually blown away and delighted by everyone who engages with the fic, and I am so excited to serve you up some treats in the future.

To end on a lighter note, here is an exchange with my spouse, the inestimable EarlobeGreyTea who continues to offer thoughtful and nuanced feedback on this fic, Exhibit A:

EarlobeGreyTea: Did they fuck in this chapter?

Me: No Me: And they didn't fuck in the previous chapter Me: It's the EROTIC Grope Fest. It doesn't have to have explicit sex (yet) EarlobeGreyTea: Yeah, I guess it isn't the Sloppy Fuck Fest

Love you all. ❤️❤️❤️

[banemmanan]

GFU Stats #2

Some fun statistics from the TV show The Girl from U.N.C.L.E.

This is a revised, updated, more accurate version of this post.

This post is based on a series of posts by @commander-kiranerys where they compiled similar data for the series The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (e.g. Season 3). All but one of the data categories that I collected can be found in those original posts along with some more that I didn't count.

Explanation #1: why the recount?

As mentioned in my original post, I counted that first set of statistics in just three days. How do you fit roughly ten epispdes into a day? Well, truth be told, I watched them at double speed. I had a whole bunch of assignments due at the time, but this idea had lodged itself into my brain and I had no self-control, so I did it as quickly as I could in order that I could focus on my uni work again. This time, everything was watched at regular speed and I will admit that there was a lot that I missed the first time around. After I watched it through the first time and recorded data, I then watched it through a second time, this time with my sister as an impartial second opinion, and we both recorded separate data. The results are an average of these three data sets and thus I feel that they are much more reliable this time around.

Explanation #2: what's 'S' and 'F'?

For the categories 'Escape' and 'Rescue' the S in brackets stands for Successful and the F for Failed. Escaping entails getting free under their own power and if someone not in the 'captured' scenario got them out then it was a rescue.

Disclaimer #1: objectivity of results

If comparing these results to the muncle stats, bear in mind that they have been compiled by two different people. We might have different ideas as to what qualifies as 'being captured' or 'an escape attempt', etc.

Disclaimer #2: additional data

Due to Mark Slate not appearing in the third episode (instead appearing in the Man from U.N.C.L.E. episode of that week), data was gathered for him from that episode (the Galatea Affair) instead. Thus, all results could still be divided by 29 in order to establish the average per episode. I do not know if commander-kiranerys did the same for Napoleon with regards to season 3. I did not record any data from the MFU episode, the Moonglow Affair.

Observations:

Captured: April seems to be a bit of a damsel in distress here when you look at the numbers, but in fairness to her, she manages to escape on her own slightly more often than she needs rescuing. Considering also that Mark gets himself captured 20 times over the season; he's not exactly got a stellar track record either. Though more than once per episode for April is pretty disappointing and I think probably reflects the attitudes of the time. You may notice that the escape/rescue number for together is higher than the capture together number. This is due to instances where they have been captured individually, but then brought together in captivity and thus are together when they escape.

Arrested: I included this one only because I find it very funny when they get arrested by the regular law enforcement rather than by THRUSH and then have to sheepishly call Mr. Waverly and ask to be bailed out... I did not count these instances as them being 'captured' though, as I feel that requires malicious intent rather than a will to uphold the law.

Knocked out: bashed on the head, tranquilized, and one instance of fainting (surprisingly that wasn't April). Mark alone surpasses even the highest of Napoleon and Illya's combined totals! Suffice it to say, these two probably have near constant concussions (and that honestly explains a lot).

Restrained/chained/tied up: again, April features here significantly more than Mark does. The ratio is pretty consistent with being captured, though. 'Restrained' is just a combination of the chained/tied up categories as that is how I had initially understood commander-kiranerys to have comiled it (I'm less sure about that now though). Retrospectively I think I should have used it as an 'other' category to mean anything not done using rope or chains e.g. leather straps or being physically held (or in one instance a plant). Either way, what I find interesting in these results is that April and Mark were never tied together at any point (though there is a promotional photo that features this).

Tortured: interestingly very even here, despite the writers' clear reluctance to let April get roughed up (unless by another woman). But then again, I think deciding what is and isn't torture might be quite subjective (which is why I left it out the first time around). There were actually a number of instances that were a grey area for me and I wonder now if I should have included them; I erred on the side of caution and actually these figures might be higher if I'm fully honest. It's too late for doubting now though I guess. Feel free to debate!

Drugged: the vast majority of these are knock-out gas/chloroform/sleep darts/etc. so these results overlap a lot with the 'knocked out' category, though there are a couple of instances of drugs with other effects on the body.

Shot: April was never shot in the entire series (very lucky! but also maybe very indicative of the show writing of the time - she can be in peril, but heaven forbid that she's roughed up!) Mark on the other hand was either shot 3 or 4 times. The uncertainty comes when after seemingly being shot during a scene, he is perfectly fine mere seconds later and doesn't comment on the fact at all. So I'm not sure if he was definitely shot. I included a gif in the original post to illustrate the initial incident, so if you want to make your mind up for yourself, you can go and take a look at that. Personally I think 4.

Wet: surpassed only by season 4 in terms of average, but in raw numbers they reign supreme. It's a good thing they can both swim... I guess they are the blorbos that come in 'soggy wet' variety...

The disclaimers and stuff became way longer than I'd expected, but I wanted to be transparent about everything (can you tell I'm on another university degree) anyway, I hope you find these useful or at least interesting! I would love to have any sort of discussion regarding these!

[theretirementstory]

14/04/24 I AM HOME, I came back on Thursday after my MRI scan and a transfusion of platelets. Was I pleased? I guess you could say that, Anie called with my shopping, I had a wander around my garden, got the car out of the garage and went to do more shopping, saw my friend Liisa and had a little chat then came home and prepared chorizo pasta bake and garlic bread.

My neighbour sent me the above photo showing the blossom on the cherry tree. I was so pleased to see my garden.

On Friday I had to go back to the hospital for what turned out to be two transfusions. I thought I would have been home by lunchtime but it was 16:30 when I got home.

So I am hoping against hope that I will be home until April 25th when I will be going up to Paris for a long stay, while the next round of treatment is carried out.

Monique had been in touch, she wanted to come down on Thursday but I needed some time to just chill. So she said she would come on Friday. However by the time she could get away it was too late. She did say that one of her twin granddaughters had got scarlet fever so you just know it won’t be long before the other one gets it.

I messaged my cleaner with the dates I am available to have her clean my home before the next hospital visit. She replied that she wasn’t available. That’s ok, hopefully we will get back to normal once all my treatment is completed.

The cough that I was starting with when I went into hospital, has now developed! My nose streams and then I start coughing, it is worse if I have been talking. The medicine they gave me in hospital contained codeine and it said not to use it for too many days. Well in my book, my wariness of medication, meant that I took it for three days then stopped. I didn’t want to become addicted!

The music this week, is really from my youth! I begin with “Love Hurts” by Jim Capaldi from 1975. Going even further back than that it’s “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” from 1965. The video shows Alan Price on keyboard, he will be celebrating his 82nd birthday at the end of next week, Eric Burdon, vocals, who will be 83 years old on a date in May which is the birthday of someone dear to me. Plus Chas Chandler, bassist, who later managed Jimi Hendrix and Slade. Unfortunately Chas passed away in 1996.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has met up with a few Uni friends this week and is going to see another couples new house today. He has been training the new guy at work and although he would prefer to get on with his own work, ensuring someone gets the training they need is the best way to moving onto your own work. Making sure they understand ensures less disruptions to your day.

“The Reconnect Navigator” has had to go out and buy a pair of Dr Marten boots for work. The boots she had bought previously have only lasted 5 weeks. I guess she is getting those “steps” in. It is great that they both have the weekend off as it allows them two days to do things together.

“The Photographer” and “The Jetsetter” spent a nice night in York on Friday evening. The platter they had with the wine looked exceptionally tasty. Then it was time for the “The Photographer” to head off to Boston, to photograph the match with Scarborough AFC. Although it was a 0-0 draw it was a good match (apparently). Plus he was the only photographer, for Scarborough, at the match and the photos have been in the local newspaper. That’s a feather in his cap, for sure.

“The Jetsetter” is busy preparing for her next jaunt (can’t remember where that is to). She does however spend the week in York which is a “getaway place” for a lot of people.

I have had a message from a friend in the UK, her grandson was born on the 17th February at around 26 weeks! Bless him he is still fighting and getting bigger which is such wonderful news.

Nadine (a friend here in town) has messaged to say that she will try to get down to visit at the weekend.

My neighbours have just popped in bringing a piece of flan. They always ask about my sons and grandchildren, I have shown them recent photos this morning and they think my grandson looks like his Daddy.

Now I am going to start getting food prepared. I am hoping that I will enjoy my roast chicken dinner. Then as we are due 22c today I would like to go out into the garden and clear a few weeds.

However you intend to spend your day, have a good one.

I am hoping that the hydrangea paniculata (pictured below) will have a growth spurt and put out some lovely flowers this year.

Bon dimanche!

[thetiredstuff]

i need to do a literature review for my thesis. my advisor said it had to be systematic so i need to keep a very detailed record of where and what and how much i search. my uni has their own database (new) based in ebsco (another database) which sorta works like google scholar so i start working in that but unlike google it keeps loading new results on the same page. and that's all fine if you only have a couple of results but i had 4.000 titles to screen and after 850 it just wouldn't load anymore. so now i basically can't use those 850 that i already screened out of 4.000 because the fucking database is shit.

so i go to google scholar which does load on new pages for every 10 results. except i'm on page 98 and i wanna go to page 99 and i get a service error ... and i google it and turns out that's normal thing that google scholar does apparently. after page 98 it just stops working and says "technicians are working on it" except they're not. i had 3.000 results i needed to sift through and i only got as far as 980. so now i again can't use those 980 probably because i didn't even manage to screen half of the available literature.

and the problem is that there are other databases but they're not as expansive as those two. if i use the same search terms on other databases i get between 400 and 50 results. many of the results that i need are not among them.

oh and my advisor is on holiday until the 7th of april and traveling for work until the 21st so "can't really answer any emails" so i'm fucked. and i am about to cry again.

[imanes]

hi imane! i hope ur doing well <3 i just wanted to ask: what do you do during times of uncertainty? im a uni student abt to go on placement and I've been applying for part-time jobs that's centred around my field but to no avail sadly :/ i wanted to save up at least so i wouldn't stress during placement and everything's so overwhelming.. there are other external factors that's making me feel this way too like a friendship break-up i had few months ago and its affected me quite badly but im starting to pick myself up again. anyways sorry for the rant and i hope ur day is lovely x

hey! just sat down after hours of procrastination to work on my dissertation and i wish i were done already akjdkfgj but it could be worse!! ok it's gonna be long and probs unhelpful but i know that you wanted to vent more than you thought i was holding some solution so I'll just ramble and hope something resonates with you lmao <3

for me uncertainty makes me feel like my life is in shambles, it's hard to cope with things going south and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but during my yearly flop era in march/april i had a talk with a friend who's much older, wiser, and more experimented, and basically it helped me put things into perspective and learn how to let go. there are only so many things that you can control so i split my different issues into different categories for a more systemic approach to my problems lol: things that i can actually somewhat control (my emotions, my reactions, my efforts, what i can do moving forward to alleviate some of my stress), things that are out of my control (how people misconstrue me, external stressors like shitty coworkers, refusals from jobs i was applying for) and things (and people) that i don't need in my life. learning to let go of things for me internationally infamous control freak was not easy but it was liberating, idk if you're religious so if you aren't the next part isn't going to be helpful lol but i don't think i should be chasing things because i am exactly where i am meant to be, and if i start clutching at the things that aren't meant to be in my life, it's just my ego getting in the way, and i prayed that Allah just lets me find the place that i would fit better in and that He'd take me away from it if i wasn't going to be doing or feeling good there. i guess the non-religious version would just be to trust the process and understand that things in life wax and wane, whether it be job opportunities or relationships. obviously there's like a plethora of other factors like what do i do if i can't pay the bills and stuff? that was how i was thinking just a couple of months ago when my dissertation was not writing itself and nobody was hiring me! but a few weeks have passed and looking back on it i was starting to chase things again and it made me feel like i was stuck in a rut when in fact it's normal for things to take some time to settle down and for opportunities to arrive.

so basically whether you stress about it or not, literally nothing is going to change except the way you frame it in your head. for me i just continued applying and gave interviews my all while also being detached enough to simply trust myself to find the space that i was meant to occupy eventually, and after many many many rejections i finally found something a week ago, but it took a couple of months of steady job application to get there. looking from the other side of the mirror it's easy to say things like "don't get discouraged!" but it is true that if you keep throwing shit at a wall something's going to eventually stick, hence the power of consistency and of never giving up.

i'm glad you're slowly building yourself back up after your friendship break-up, i know how much it can drag you down but again some people are meant to be with you for a season only and at the end of the day with the effect of time making things more bearable and by working on your self-esteem and knowing that you can do things that you set your mind to, whether it is finding a part-time job or picking yourself back up, in a few weeks you're gonna look back on where you were mentally at when you sent me this message and where you'll be then and you'll thing "well i guess things DO pass huh who would've thought!!" lol life is a cycle of stability and unsteadiness, doesn't matter how much you prepare something's always going to go sideways but another truth is that things fall back into place again and you have to have faith in that, in yourself, and maybe in something else like i am w/ my relation to religion if u need extra help. speaking of help if you have a support system, confide in them and let them carry some of that weight for you!! you'd do the same for them so don't feel like you're a burden for needing help when you are facing instability. wishing you the best of luck and i really hope you find a good part-time job before your placement babe

[speakercrab]

get to know me!!

tagged by @ace-ace-attorneys!!! thank u for the tag uuaaa

- 3 ships: going to go with different media so theyre not all ace attorney so. narumitsu (aa), tamaki/haruhi (ohshc) and rosemary (hs)

- first ever ship: i think probably... kaori and kosei from your lie in april

- last song: suburbia overture by will wood

- last movie: the muppets christmas carol!! im not a big movie person but we watch this every year at my house

- currently playing (also replacing reading with playing. i should read books but i dont): portal 2 and apollo justice!! both replays and im playing aa4 again bc i got it on the ds :D the hd sprites are really nice but i like the pixel style of the original

- currently watching: taskmaster AGAIN im working on an art piece for uni and its really good background tv

- currently consuming: ive got some stollen that i really need to finish but ill probably go with chocolate instead

- currently craving: FREE TIME ASWELL i am working so much and i despise my job. free me.

tagging:

@redcloak @sandboxer i dont think i have 9 people to tag a lot of people i wouldve have already been tagged oh the misery so if you want to do this please say i tagged you!! i will add you onto the original post itll be like a secret shhhhh

[khodorkovskaya]

07.06.23

so okay, i feel like a terrible friend. and i know it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things and i have lots of other things i should be worried about. but like...

first of all i can't make it to my bestie's birthday this year bc im going to skating camp and instead of feeling bad about it, i feel... relieved..? bc i really hated her birthday last year, i spent over 500 pounds on it and we were in this house in the middle of nowhere next to durham and i was bored out of my mind. and this year she said that she wants to go either to crete or west of england. and going to crete is hella expensive. and going to england is hella expensive too honestly with all the trains i'll have to take to get there. and i know that im not gonna have fun.... and i feel terrible about it...

i thought about that a lot and now ive finally calmed down. but! my manchester bestie came to visit this week and i feel even worse...

so she got married in april and i was one of the first people she told about it like she called me and everything. and i promised to buy her a wedding present. and i didn't... and to be fair i don't really approve of the wedding cos it was for papers for her bf. and they've been together 5 years and they love each other and they would've got married in a couple of years anyway. but like... she's so youngggg and going thru with so much commitment for a man??? idk

and all of this leaves me feeling like im super judgmental. cos it's not my place to judge, right? and technically speaking my manchester bestie is much further ahead of me in life, right? like she moved out straight out of high school, so now she's like super independent and she's doing a phd now and she plans out her own life. and she looks really good too and she has lots of hobbies. like she seems to be doing really well. and whenever i judge people's decisions, i feel like i project too much. like if i were getting married now at the state that im at, that would be a bad decision. but now for her it's not ?????

and at the same time, i have to admit that i find it frustrating that some people have it so easy. she could choose whichever university in the world to go to after high school! like imagine having that priviledge! just like "yeah, manchester would be a good fit for me" BAM *moves to manchester*. "i really like animals :)" BAM *studies zoology in manchester*

like idk how to describe it. it's not just the money that's the issue, it's the bliss. the bliss of being like "my career? yeah, i like animals, im gonna go study them". like i could never... i love dinosaurs for sure, but i would never be able to do a phd about them bc as fascinating as it sounds, i just... can't take that seriously...? idk if im being elitist but like. especially when her degree and her living in a different country costs so much like.. idk how to explain it guys. do you get what im saying?

like out of high school i felt like the only choice i had was economics or management cos that's a serious subject that could get me a serious job. that's what us mortals do. and when i decided to do maths i was already reaching it. like now my parents are like "you wasted 4 of your years doing something that gave you no skills and was essentially useless. how about you do an accounting course now in order to catch up on everything you've missed out on? time to get back to the real world!" (plus my uni education was free but like imagine if my parents were paying thousands for me to study some obscure degree?)

and now again, it's her bliss that drives me insane. "oh my bf needs a visa? let's get married, i love him anyway" likeeee can you imagine that? like not ever thinking about the consequences?

idk, i feel like im in the wrong. bc some people just do whatever without thinking twice and it works out for them and they're happy. and im overcomplicating things. or maybe my life is just overall more complicated bc we're poor. like i can't just go to another country and marry the first guy who comes my way, you know?

and we were talking about kids and stuff and my bestie was like "yeah, i only want my kids to do the IB bc a-levels are shit and i wouldn't want them to get an obscure degree like the maturité either bc they'll have to explain it once they get to uni". and like... first of all, she's already counting on being able to send her future kids to private school which is like okay. and secondly like... how is the maturité an obscure diploma? judging by whose standards? if you do the IB and you want to go to a swiss uni that's gonna be a hassle. despite the IB being supposedly international, the only schools that really actually accept it with no problem are those elite british schools. so imagine being preprogramed in a way that like you know you're gonna be able to afford elite universities for your kids.

and she says all of that without even thinking twice. like everything is a given to her. and her boyfriend now husband is a heir to this rich hongkongese family, so yeah, they'll probably be able to send their kids to private school and then to an english university. and she'll probably never understand it. she'll continue living her life thinking that everything is a given, never struggle and find that normal. meanwhile i can't even grasp the fact that her dad's managed to support his stay at home wife and his two children and like wow the privilege.

anyway, we all live in such different worlds. and some people will never see some other people's worlds. and that's just how things are. and im drifting apart from my friends because we have different problems and a different view on the world.

[baekhvuns]

BAEKSY I'LL KMS FOR REAL 😭 YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. So my messages didn't go through, I literally deleted and re-installed the app, but it logged me out and I couldn't access my account - not that I use it. But I couldn't message you without it 🤡🤡🤡🤡 I tried on desktop, but the messages wouldn't send... this fucking app is really against me.

Anyways, I've been so busy and in a slump, March was rough, so was April, hopefully May is better 🙉 except my allergies won't leave me alone and the cherry blossom season almost took me out. I almost didn't survive 2 weeks in Japan, but Korea wasn't much better. But I persisted somehow. Work is also kicking my ass, the good thing is I have days off every once in a while, so whenever I'm done with work I can travel or have fun, but sometimes I just stay inside and rot ahdjdksjwisiajak

How are you doing and do you know a date of your graduation? Maybe I should show up to the Avo Uni 👀 I'm travelling to Canada in a few months actually - DV 💖

omg im so sorry this is late my notifications for tumblr have been glitching so i don’t get any 😭😭

BAEKSY I'LL KMS FOR REAL 😭 YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. So my messages didn't go through, I literally deleted and re-installed the app, but it logged me out and I couldn't access my account - not that I use it. But I couldn't message you without it 🤡 🤡 🤡 🤡 I tried on desktop, but the messages wouldn't send... this fucking app is really against me.

NOOOOOOOOO 😭😭 WHAT IS THIS APP, i don’t get notifications or anything thing from this app, the way it’s gone downhill since last year is crazy ???? BUT HEY IT WENT THRU NOW 😭😭

Anyways, I've been so busy and in a slump, March was rough, so was April, hopefully May is better S except my allergies won't leave me alone and the cherry blossom season almost took me out. I almost didn't survive 2 weeks in Japan, but Korea wasn't much better. But I persisted somehow. Work is also kicking my ass, the good thing is I have days off every once in a while, so whenever I'm done with work I can travel or have fun, but sometimes I just stay inside and rot ahdjdksjwisiajak

no bc ur so right why was the last two months just plain ridiculous???? everything and everything went wrong 😭😭 im blaming that eclipse, “cherry blossom season almost took me out” HELPJSJDKSKDLC 😭😭😭

omg how is ur work!! i love that, u get a mix of days off and on, is ur position like a contract or a permanent (say permanent 🔫) “stay inside and rot” GDKAHDKAHDKW ME IN THIS MOMENT ACTUALLY i also saw the heat in sk is rising up pls wear sunscreens 😭😭

How are you doing and do you know a date of your graduation? Maybe I should show up to the Avo Uni 👀 I'm travelling to Canada in a few months actually - DV 💖

im doing okay! rotting currently on my blanket as it’s a lil cloudy outside, watching the special queen of tears ep’s,,, have been going thru it since last dec <3 i, SEE I DO KNOW IT but im unsure if it’ll be that bc somehow my uni is not offering upper level courses this semester 🤡 and i need to get into the 2 they r offering but im waitlisted at number 89 😭😭😭 and everyone in my major is lined up in it,,, so it’ll extend me but for sure not graduating in winter bc id freeze to death

OH UR COMING HERE????

DROP TIME AND PLACE RN 🔫 ETA 🔫

[defineamni]

Update: April 2024

I just knew that we lost weheartit for quite sometime now. I love weheartit. Although i visit there bianually. Old people sentiments. Sigh.

Now i lost my favorite blogger as well. I'm sad and upset. Things are moving away, or maybe should i say, memories are fading away that's why i'm holding onto these things close to my deepest soul.

I'm into my 9month working as houseman. Everyday is a stretch. Always struggling to get up in the morning. Now is Ramadhan so i push myself to have my sahur however it doesnt get better after that. Still tired and not enthusiastic at all. How the hell adults can continue working for 20-30years? I cannot go on like this for another year. Sometimes if not always I dont even know why i need to work and have this career but then i remembered, i'm a materialistic girl. Good point. To buy new clothes, to eat good food, to travel the world, to pay for wifi, to rent a house, to fill up gases, to meet new people, to become independent and just to live up people's expectation. Basically i need to continue working not to mind how dead i am, inside out. Not to offend anybody, but i dont think being a houseman is not a career, it is just a job and a way to survive. Regretting things also my new hobby. Ranting about colleagues, bosses, management, and how hungry and sleep deprived we are, is not uncommon. There you go, no time for me time. It's always their time. I cannot believe i put myself into this life. I actually chose to struggle. Cannot blame anyone. Damn. Should've become a teacher just like my parents. At least you get 2 days off, and 7-5pm working hours. I'm so tired but i still have the energy to write this, to go shopping. This is my problem. I couldnt stop spending money. Knowing that money is so difficult to earn, i lost them to some non essentials like i'm a millionaire or some sort of chaebol. I hate myself for this but i dont do that, i might hate this life even more.

Good thing is, hurm let me think...

Never mind. None for now.

I looked back my photos during uni times, i understood why i'm still single until this day. I was so ugly, i feel so sorry for people who need to see and look at me. If i happened to look and meet myself, i would hate me too. I mean how much hate can someone have towards ourselves, probably i am my strongest enemy.

I mean nowadays, i tried to improve my appearance but some things cannot be changed even if you try isnt? Really sorry, family and friends, from my deepest heart.

I just want to go Japan again but i know this year is not a good time to travel overseas. Furthermore, i dont have the time to go any way. But i still want to go there again in near future. Maybe i can find my other half there? Sorry for stupid joke.

I missed my mom so much. It has been 2 years but it feels like yesterday, the day she gone. Now i know what ayuni feels. I dont really want to go back home. I prefer to travel. Going home is tiring. To the mind and soul. I cannot do anything, my home now feels so alien to me. I cannot get used to it like before. I keep doing the same things, and no one can understand why i do so. It's not like i try to change things, i just want to keep things just like when mama still around but i guessed that is too much to ask. So i gave up at some level. Well i cannot do everything alone.

[afraidofthismyself]

I went on a few more dates with that same guy before we sort of fizzled out of each other's lives. I had begun to feel safer, but neither of us was giving the other what we needed to make it a proper relationship.

On April 28th, 2021, a few weeks after that last post, I met somebody. He was on my course, but due to the restrictions in Wales because of Covid-19, he had been unable to travel down from his home. With the restrictions lifted, this was his first time meeting everyone. I had only interacted with him once the entire time, in a quick online meeting and thought nothing of it. However, within a few hours of our initial meeting I knew he was interested in me. And I'm not saying that believing that "of course he would be". I'm normally the type of person who continuously doubts that until it is really hard to avoid, but his attention was very singular given who we had around. He asked me to show him around campus, we went out for coffee together and made an effort to get to know about each other. After installing my own artwork, he asked me my opinion on his and photographed mine. When he had to leave to head back up to Wales, he told me that he would reach out to me on Insta.

Sure enough, he was messaging me that night, saying it was nice to meet me and continuing our conversation.

The exhibition critique went well, and de-install happened. I put his work away carefully, sent him a picture of what it looked like and where he could find it in the studio before heading out with some of my course mates for a drink. A few hours and drinks later, I was getting off the train and in the parking lot he video calls me. I remember thinking you only video call someone if you like them. He thanked me for putting the work away and began asking me about my day and so on. It was a short lived call as my Uncle was picking me up. I apologized for having to hang up, but I was smitten.

We continued talk for the next few weeks, talking art and life in general. It was flirty, but not in a way that made me uncomfortable. He wasn't overtly sexual. It was funny and it felt safe and so I was excited when he said that he would be coming down to London again in mid May to do another installation on campus. I was sitting in the studio I shared with my course mates when he walked in. I didn't want to seem overly eager so I didn't immediately rise out of my seat. He came in and a woman walked in behind him. I was jarred for a second before I realized it was his Mum. Very sweet woman, very kind and attentive. I'll always hold a bit of a soft spot for her for how welcoming she was to me.

I wanted to make sure that I didn't look too eager to hang around so I tried to keep my distance. Going about my work in the gallery and in the studio as much as possible. About halfway through the day, he asked me if I wanted to get a drink after Uni. I was probably a bit quick to respond if I was trying to remain aloof. We go for the drink alone, we talk. Alcohol makes me a bit more honest than I would like to be sometimes. As things became a bit more flirty, a bit more obvious, I decided I needed to lay down a bit of the law. I told him I'd never had sex. He seemed surprised, asked me if I was waiting for it to be special. I said no, but that I had been sexually abused as a kid. It made wanting to have sex difficult because it would come with further complications and it was an issue of trust. He said he understood, said he was sorry. Didn't pry or ask me more. At the time, I thought that was a good thing. We parted ways and I caught the train back home from Uni, knowing I'd see him again the next day for his exhibition and to say goodbye as he would be going home again. The exhibition went well, I helped him document. He asked me if I would repaint the gallery for him since he was leaving. Me, always eager to please and prove how good I am, said yes. And he left.

We kept talking. I wanted to know when he would be back down in London. He said possibly not until June. I was gutted. I made it obvious that I wanted to see him. The flirting became more obvious, a bit more sexual, but nothing to make me go running to the hills. It was all exciting and new and wonderful. So a few weeks after his last visit, when he mentioned how much I would love his family's farm and how I should visit. I felt bold enough to say name the time and day and I'll be there. I never thought he'd actually take me up on. Next thing I knew, I had tickets booked to go up to Wales.

There's something extremely daunting about travelling to lose your virginity. I had made my mind up it would happen while I was there. It sounds stupid now to write. I'd waited 24 years and suddenly a guy I hadn't even met a month before I wanted to sleep with. I'm not going to take away from my decision, it felt right at the time. On May 28th, 2021. I took a train up to Cardiff where he met me at the station. We spent the day in the city together, had lunch at the Cosy Club. There was the first time we really talked about sex, laid out the ground rules. There was no talk of a relationship. I would be moving home in less than a year. It was more of a statement on monogamy while sleeping with someone and of being open and honest about what was occurring within the sexual relationship. I thought that was really all I needed.

We took the train up to Caerphilly and were picked up by his dad, who funny enough has the same name as my Dad and was born in the same year. We drove a bit out from there, where his family ran a farm and a small glamping set up for "stay-cations". I spent the evening helping them deliver food down to the guests and chatting with his Mum and Dad. Both lovely people, very kind. Very complimentary as well. Time ticked on and then we were left alone. He went outside, taking a drag from his vape and I came to stand outside with him. I was looking out to the field and he came up behind me, began kissing me neck and feeling up my breasts. Literally felt like I was getting the wind knocked out of me. My heart was beating 100 miles a minute. We moved into the lounge room, he began playing some tunes on the piano. We kissed for the first time there. We then move over to the couch and feel each other up before finally deciding to go to bed.

Just enough time passes while we are getting ready for me to get into my head. I'm freaking out, having no idea what I'm doing or what is even going to happen. But I'm determined, I feel like I have to do this now. He comes into the room, the lights go off. We kiss, just a bit. Not as much as I would like. I ask him to grab a condom. There wasn't really much foreplay and I'm all psyched out and my body just wouldn't open up to it. I tried, but it was painful and I had to tell him to stop. Him actually stopping was almost something I needed. To know that he would lifted a lot of fear off my shoulders. He told me he needed to get off, I let him sort of just do what he needed with me (nothing I didn't consent to, I just don't want to go into the details). He asked me if I wanted to get off and I said no. We fell asleep and I was a bit mad at myself, knowing that I'd be going home the next day and hadn't done what I thought I would.

We wake up the next morning and when he wants to be sexual, he asks if we can try oral instead. I say yes, but tell him I don't know what I'm doing. He assumed when I said I'd never had sex that I had done other things. I quickly corrected him. He "complimented" me by saying he wouldn't have known if I hadn't told him. I don't think I believe that now, but it made me feel a bit more at ease then. He didn't touch me that morning.

We go into town that day, look around Caerphilly and have lunch. By the time we reach the mid-afternoon, I realize that he had no expectation of me leaving. I thought we had agreed to the one night, but I was happy to stay. So we follow a similar path of a night in at home and once again once his family leaves, we are left alone. When we go to bed, I ask for us to try again. He grabs a condom. He makes a joke about how if we had anal then I would still be a virgin. I laugh it off, thinking it was a joke. This unfortunately will come into play later.

There was very minimal foreplay and very minimal kissing. I quickly picked up that wasn't something he wanted to do very often with me. It sat wrong, but I tried not to overthink it. He put his fingers inside me, in more than one way. We hadn't discussed it, but it didn't hurt so I didn't complain. We had sex. He was careful and slow. It didn't hurt, that I was very grateful for. We started in missionary and I was enjoying myself, although very unsure about what I was meant to be doing and letting him just guide me. Never had my legs moved into such weird positions before. We switched to doggy and I remember thinking that I had always been told sex wouldn't take this long. I didn't like doggy, too easy to get into my own head but it was the position he preferred. When he came, he took the condom off an came over my vulva. I was attracted to this, turned on by it. It wasn't something that had been discussed.

Afterwards, there was blood all over the sheets. And not the little bit they tell you about in historical movies. Like, a lot. I was freaking out but somehow had to comfort him cause he'd "never slept with a virgin before and didn't know anything about this". So while I'm trying to find out while I'm bleeding so much, he's freaking out about some sheets. I was thankful I brought pads. I pass a massive clot in the morning. I don't tell him. I have no one to talk to and I'm freaking out. The bleeding lasts about three days before it stems off.

I ended up staying in Wales for about 8 days. Bit longer than predicted. I helped his family on the farm, met his siblings, helped in his sister's shop - even doing some renovations. We had sex many more times. I learned a lot of things I liked, but it was never talked about beforehand. Sort of just happened during and I suppose I figured it was just how you explored during sex. How would you know if you liked something if it didn't happen to you? Choking, being called names. It was never something I really thought I would like.

We said goodbye at Caerphilly train station. He said he would miss me. We kissed and he smacked my ass before I got on the train to head down to Cardiff, then back to London, then to Hertfordshire. It was only once I was home that the guilt of what I'd done set in with myself. I felt a bit disgusted for what I found I enjoyed during sex and also was upset that I hadn't protected the small child inside of me who had been scared of anything sexual since I was eight. I struggled, I spoke to my therapist. I knew I didn't regret what I'd done, I just had to work through it.

We keep talking. He says he misses me, how things aren't as good while I'm not there. Our messages become more sexual. Images, videos, all that awful stuff I said I'd never do is being done. He begins talking more about the things he wants to do. Anal is there. I know he wants me to try it. I don't say anything about being apprehensive. I just want to give him what he wants. It continues like this through June. I find out he is coming down to London again. I feel a lot of anxiety, less excitement than before. I try to tell myself that it's all in my head, that things haven't been different or weird. I got the train to school, wait for him to arrive. I feel a bit lighter when I do see him.

As far as I was concerned, when it came to our course mates, whether they suspected anything was happening between us was their business, but we weren't going to give them anything obvious to work it. At least, that was my understanding. So when we were in the gallery installing work and he decided to grab my ass in front of everybody I was a bit shocked and embarrassed, but I didn't say anything. We left the school not long after that to go to his hotel, meanwhile the whole time on the Underground he was feeling me up. Again, not something we had really discussed and not something I really like to this day but I figured it was easier to just get through it than make a big deal.

We get to the hotel, he debates back and forth if he wants to shower or have sex first. We settle on sex. I brought lube with me this time to make things a bit easier and it was all good. Sex definitely improves the more you have it. When he asked me if we could try anal, I kind of felt like my stomach dropped. I knew he wanted to, knew he'd been basically saying it was going to happen for weeks. I was very anxious about, had been worrying it would happen. But I knew it was what he wanted by how much he talked about it. And how can you say you don't like something unless you try it?

It was awful. I'm sure there is a way for it to feel good but my body was pressed down onto the bed, no way for him or I to try and make me feel good if you know what I mean. It was very obvious it was being done for him and not for both of us. And maybe I need correction, but I thought sex was meant to be good for both. That action in itself and not even the attempt to pleasure me or have me at least pleasure myself was jarring. He asked if I was in pain, and I was. But I said no.

This would haunt me even now. Why did I say no? What was I afraid of? That he would stop, that the pain would stop? That's exactly what I wanted. I think in the end I was worried about not living up to a fantasy. That in that moment I knew if I gave him a reason to leave, he would. Take the out.

It had been his birthday the day before. We were due to meet up with his friend for drinks. I was flattered that I was invited along. I'm beginning to realize how easy I was to impress. The whole night he keeps making jokes and alluding to the fact that we had anal sex before going out. I brush off every comment hoping nobody else picks up on it. I'm in pain, but not enough to stop what I'm doing. We walk back to the hotel that night. He keeps looking at me and smirking. Before I can even ask what he says "I can't believe you took it in the ass." I try as hard as I can not to feel shit about myself.

We have sex again in the morning. Nothing painful this time. I'm laying on my back and as we go through the motions, he looks at me before taking my toe in his mouth. I distinctly remember saying to him at some point half-jokingly that people who were into feet should be hunted for sport. I'm so stunned I'm just staring at him. Definitely no discussion about this. We leave the hotel, get lunch together, and go to Uni. That was the last time I had sex with him.

The reception is that night. Some curation students from another Uni are deciding who they want in the show they'll curate. It's more of a "who became friends with them" sort of thing, but worth putting together anyway. I had planned to go home that night as he had made it clear he wanted the evening for himself. He asked me if I was going to join them round for drinks and I said I'd have to be off soon to catch the last train. He asked me to stay later, I said I couldn't run the risk of missing it. He then told me I could stay with him another night. I spend most of the night feeling like shit. Wondering why I'm existing in this space when it is obvious he doesn't really want me there, but also becoming obvious that he wants the convenience of me. I swallow down the anxiety. After a night of drinking, we go back to the hotel. We wake up late in the afternoon, get coffee, go to the Uni to clean up our work. I have to catch the train home. We kiss goodbye. That's the last time.

I knew things had changed and gone wrong, but stubborn as I am and desperate to prove that there isn't something wrong on undesirable about me, I keep giving. The sexual messages continue for another month along with our normal conversation, but slowly it begins to taper off to if I'm lucky one message per day.

Our degree show is coming up in September. We had decided earlier on to share a space. How stupid that was. I went in and painted both of our spaces in order to get them ready months in advance. Once more a desperate and rather pathetic attempt to prove how useful I could be. August passes and I barely hear anything. Installation week arrives for the degree show. Two days pass and I don't see him. My professors and advisors ask where he is and tell me to call him to find out what is going on. I can't very well say to them "No, I can't do that. You see I fucked this guy and ended up falling for him a bit, but now that he's fucked me every way he could think of, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and I may be desperate, but I'm not so desperate as to call and tell him to get his ass down here cause I'm both terrified and excited at the prospect of seeing him again because I'm hoping if he sees how useful I am he might actually see me as a human being and nothing some hole he got to fuck".

I don't hear from him and I decide to paint his side of the room over again so at least if he's bailed, I can have a clean side of the room to deal with. Of course I get a message from one of my girlfriends saying that he told her that he's arriving the next day. When he does show up, its awkward. I keep working on whatever bits of my installation are left and then go around out of the room trying to help everybody else where I can, but mostly just to get out of the situation. But, where he can get me he does and so I lend him a hand with some of his work because when he asks I can't help myself. We end up going around looking at the different spaces. He asks when I have to go home and I tell him I'm staying in a hotel during the install week. He asks if I want to go for a drink. I say yes.

We go to the pub around the corner from Uni where we went the first time. He asks me how I've been and I really just tell him the bare minimum. It's a lot of beating around the bush and not acknowledging anything. All I know is he makes it clear we won't be having sex again. But when I make a comment about needing to go for a PAP smear, he asks me who else I've been sleeping with. I informed him that I needed to go still after sleeping with him. He's mildly offended. We have the few drinks, keep talking. I ask him about going on a residency to Georgia. He asks when I'm going back to Canada. He walks me to the Underground and we say goodbye. I think I must have cried myself to sleep that night.

I see him a bit through the next few days before he goes home to Wales. I'm looking after both our spaces as he has a tv set up. He comes back down to London on the Tuesday for the closing reception. I'm dreading it. I come down from watching the space. I'm wearing this red tweed dress I got from Marks and Spencers. I feel good about myself. That kind of stops when I see him down in the caf. I stick by my girlfriends. Not immediately going to him. With how stretched and forced all of our interactions had been, I really didn't want it to continue into this. The moment I'm sort of on my own, he comes over and starts talking to me. It's comical, really. In wanting to sleep with me at the few times he came to Uni, I was kind of the only friend he had. Sure, he could talk to the others, but I was actually the person he knew best. He asked for me help up in our installations. So, stupidly, I left the drinks and my friends to go and help him. He was going to be doing an performance piece. Of course, by the time he was due to perform, he was nowhere to be found and as people filled the room, they asked me where he was. So, I went to look for him, found him with his family down the elevator, and sent them up. Performance went, I of course filmed it for him cause why wouldn't I? Add to the humiliation.

Then it was just wandering around until the reception was finished. I was asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. I said I'd need to catch the train. He convinced me to get a hotel for the night. We all went out for a drink, a good many of us, but he sat next to me most the night while I tried to sit near my friends to kind of flank myself. We all say goodnight to each other around midnight, one of the older men on my course uncomfortably kissing me on the cheek when we parted. Then the two of us were heading off back to the hotel. Spoke a little bit on the train. We got there, checking in. I went up to my room, he went to his.

I didn't message him in the morning, I just went to school to begin de-installing the exhibition. I had a whole room that was green that had to go back to white. He showed up around noon and to his credit, he did help me. We got a coffee together and then went back to Uni and said goodbye so he could catch the train home. We hugged. That was the last time I ever saw him in person.

Of course it couldn't end that simply. With him in Georgia, I thought perhaps that it might give me the distance that I needed in order move myself away. No. Based on how well we collaborated and worked together, we were assigned to run some teaching courses together through the remainder of Unit 3. To my insanity, I was trapped with someone who basically just had a go with the flow method for teaching and even more than that, was unreliable for planning and gave very dubious advice to students. It was frustrating, forced more contact between us that neither of us needed, and made me still just as pathetic as I had been before.

Oh, but the most pathetic part wasn't even done yet. Why would it be? I'd used my last bit of time in the Foundry to make him a Christmas gift. A bronze casted "rotten apple", a memento to one of the shows he'd put on at Chelsea. During one of our last teaching sessions, I asked for his address so I could mail him "something". He told me to give to him in person. I reminded him that I would be leaving the country a week after he got back from Georgia so he likely wouldn't see me. He got really cross about this. Asking me why I would leave before the final presentations and all that. I told him that with us being able to present online, I had nothing holding me here. I just wanted to go home and be with my family. I was over my time in England.

So I went home. December 11th, 2021, I was on a plane back to Canada. I did my presentation on the Monday which he did not see. Expecting him to turn up to anything I did would have been laughable. I went to every presentation through the week, including his. Trying to participate where I could. In his, I purposely asked a question I knew he couldn't answer. I'd been telling him for months that his work was uncanny and explaining why. In his presentation, that's exactly how he described it. I asked him what his definition of the uncanny was in relation to his work. He couldn't answer - he would have been able to if he ever listened to me talk about his work. He messaged me to "thank" me for the question. And then it was radio silence for about two weeks. He only messaged me on Christmas to say thanks for the gifts. Judging on if he'd actually opened it, I would have got more than that. Then more silence. On Instagram I see him posting to his story with a girl.

On January 2nd, 2022, I received a Christmas card from him in the post. It was stupid and completely him.

On the 6th of January, 2022, he messaged me asking what time it was in Canada and if he could call me for a catch up and to thank me properly for the gifts. I said yes. It was only about 20 minutes long. He asked me how I was doing and we had a bit of idle chit chat, talked about books we'd been reading. He then confessed to me he'd only opened the gifts I sent him that day. He said they were the most thoughtful gifts he'd ever received. Not sure how much I believe that now. When I said I'd assumed he hadn't actually opened them, he said he'd struggled to do so because I had been such a good friend to him and it was hard for him to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be there anymore. I was a bit taken aback, having not expected that. But I kind of knew it was a trap, trying to get me to be emotionally invested again. And to what purpose? Not like I was there anymore. I just said, what's done is done and I'm back in Canada now, there was nothing that was going to change that. We spoke a little bit after that before saying goodbye.

We spoke, with him messaging me once a week basically for the next few months. The last time he messaged me back was June 23rd, 2022. His birthday.

I was preparing to go back to England for my graduation July 2022 (earlier this month) and I'd spent months being anxious about seeing him again, to the point that I was dreading going. I didn't want to be dragged down to that level anymore. It was already bad enough that I hadn't been the one to cut off contact, but I'll be honest that if he hadn't, I probably never would have ended it.

I went to England and back to Wales. I took my grandmother and we went to Cardiff and even back up to Caerphilly. It was beautiful, and nice to see it again on my own. But it kind of felt akin to being a ghost. He didn't come to graduation. And I admit my relief, even though it made me feel ridiculous for worrying so much up until that point. I knew now I would never see him again in my life. And the relief of that was almost too much to bear.

And so here I am now. My fear of sex was probably rational. I don't think I would ever want to go through something like that again. I'm less angry with him now. In truth, I'm mostly ashamed of myself. I know I could have acted better, expected more, respected myself more. But it is part of the learning curve, I guess. I'm glad it was when I was older, I don't know if I could have survived that as a teenager. But yeah. It's been over a year since I last had sex. I decided not to look for anything else. If love or sex is going to come around, it needs to find me.

It felt good to get all this out. I'll say goodbye to you now, Welsh guy. You were a lesson I didn't really want.