#our society already has enough shit to fuel eating disorders

[that-vampire-loser]

Just a reminder that calorie comparisons fuel eating disorders!!!!!!

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Momdad, I'm struggling so hard with my internalized fatphobia. I'm the heaviest i've ever been (295 pounds) and its so hard because all of the weight I gained was because I was all but bedridden during my teens b/c of chronic illness, which had also attacked my thyroid. I just feel so ugly and awful, and every time I eat it feels like I'm doing something bad or dirty. I can't eat in public anymore, and whenever I get food to go from the dining hall I feel like everyone's looking at me (1/3)

I know my eating is disordered and it has been for a long time, but I just wish I could feel better about myself. For a long time now it's felt like if I could just stop eating I'd feel better, but I get so hungry when I go without food that I've never been able to go more than half a day. It's super unhealthy, and I know that, but I just don't know how to feel good about my body anymore. I feel like other fat ppl can be beautiful, but not me- all my weight goes to my stomach, which (2/3)

(3/3) gives me a really hourglass silhouette that only looks good from the front, but also makes me super dysphoric (I'm nb). I just. I don't know how to feel good about myself, and I feel like I'm never going to lose any weight, but I also feel like if i get up to 300 pounds I won't be able to live with myself anymore. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I feel so bad all the time and I want that to stop and I don't know how

Hey, sweetheart. You know what? I have been over 300 pounds. In fact, I once weighed in at 328lbs, because I was put on antibiotics for a year straight and it destroyed my gut health and I gained over 60lbs. I’ve lost some of that, but I also have a thyroid disease, and other diseases that make it all but impossible for me to get out of bed and exercise. I didn’t use to be this heavy, but I’ve been chubby-to-fat my whole life, so believe me when I say I understand.

I think the body positivity movement is great and I support it, but I also think that sometimes it’s a little misguided (or at least overly optimistic) to try and tell us that we must love our bodies and find ourselves beautiful. I don’t think my body is beautiful, not at all, but I’ve also learned to let go of a lot of the self-hatred that plagued me when I was younger. I used to stare at my fat stomach and my fat thighs and wish I could just rip the flab off my body and finally be good enough, finally not feel like it was embarrassing that I even exist.

To be frank, I think it can be too much to ask for us to go from that kind of self-hatred to simply transform into self-love and appreciation. I think it’s far more attainable for us to aim for a goal of just not caring. Which isn’t easy either, but I have found myself able to look in the mirror and say, So fucking what? 

So I’m fat. So I’m not the skinny waif society tells me is the ideal. So my stomach isn’t flat. What does it fucking matter? Why is being beautiful so important in the first place? Why should I hate myself over what other people might think? Why should my perceived attractiveness be that valuable? Why should I let a billion dollar diet industry - that only exists to profit old white men - sell me the belief that my worth depends on the number on a scale? Why the FUCK should I let a misogynistic scheme bent on keeping women distracted and docile rule my life? Why should I let this defective meatsuit fuck me over more than it already has? 

Why on earth should I base my self-worth on a bag of meat and skin that was assigned to me by genetic luck of the draw? Why should I waste my mind, my heart, and my life obsessing over this meaningless vessel?

If self-love works for you, that’s great, but I can’t say that it works for me, so I just strive to not give a shit. I have to care about my health, I have to eat carefully so I don’t end up even more nonfunctional, but food is just fuel, it doesn’t have a morality, no more than my body itself does. My body is simply something that exists, and it requires food; perhaps some foods are better for me than others, but that’s for me to decide, not anybody else. Sometimes a salad makes me feel good, and sometimes macaroni and cheese makes me feel good. Sometimes I want quinoa and cauliflower, sometimes I want pizza and ice cream. It’s my choice and my business, not anybody else’s.

Not eating will absolutely not make you feel any better, honey. If you’re restricting your food, you may already be malnourished and weak and depressed from lack of nutrients. You need iron and protein and fat and carbs to have the energy to go through your daily life, and denying yourself won’t make you happy. It also won’t make you skinny, as your body will go into starvation mode and hold onto its fat as long as possible. You probably need to be eating more, not less.

People are not watching you as much as you think they are, and anyone who is judging you is an asshole who doesn’t matter. Eat. Eat when you’re hungry, and eat until you’re full. Eat whatever sounds best to you at the time, without judging your body for wanting a hamburger or some mashed potatoes or whatever. Food isn’t bad, it just is. 

Your body isn’t bad, it just is. Just let it exist. 

Let yourself exist, without being ashamed. You have the right to exist.