#over a period of 2-3 months
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U cant be playing like this at 312% hazard man. Aint this shit scary to u 😭
#chattin#dont mind me im trying to get that gold 999 badge (or is it a max hazard clear s that give u that gold??)#6 kills…..8 deaths…#this dude picked up someone ELEVEN times#this wasnt too bad. i complain often but its bc most of my matches are mundane#nothint crazy good happens. only exceptionally bad shit happens lol#i got that second guy twice in a row so im waiting a couple mins to come back and matchmake w someone else#i think what kills me is that unlike ranked where u gotta like#if u just Play Alot u can just get to s+ and even x rank#over a period of 2-3 months#salmon run really does punish u for not doing well.#its like u need to get carried and in such a short amount of time in order to get to higher hazards#so i dont understand how u can get ppl like this right before max hazard#i cant really say i DONT know bc me and that other dude on the bottom helped them get a w lmao#okay no more complaining im going to jump in#ill scream if i see that guy again 🧡
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EleVeN!11!!1! (1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 10½)
Fuzzy Edgar forever. I don’t remember the context now, maybe there wasn’t any to begin with haha, he’s just so cute with slightly longer hair! And upset :)
Some Diaryfic snuggles ♥ Scriabin can be so sweet to him at the worst time ah, I love Edgar’s hard on his arm and Scriabin’s pulling his hair out of his injured eye 💕
While I was very inspired by the Red Flags meme going around (we’ll get there), I was just as inspired by Mixed Messages - this exchange is so silly and them to me. He’s just trying to flirt back, you don’t have to make it harder! That’s just what Scriabin does haha
🥐 🖕 D:’
What else did you expect Scriabin to do with texting capabilities?? I’m still very enamoured with the thought of Scriabin using emojis and Edgar using emoticons - they are sort of different generations!
Here’s the Red Flags! So gd catchy, damn lol. I was specifically inspired by the X is on a date with themself edits, it was so tempting to consider a Ladyverse version as well haha. Edgar’s uncomfortable smiles were so incredibly fun hehe ♪
Y’see because with that many eyes- you get it
Edgar’s little “Or do I??” makes me laugh haha, anything to get out of this situation!
Waiter Jake ❤️💕💖💞💗 Rescue him!
Very inspired by this one specifically, he’s totally innocent! Not offputting at all! ♥
Alright well good luck with that bye. I love Edgar being menaced into continuing this date hehe ♫
Scriabin just keeping on the pressure for this date to keep going! Slight neg in “Couldn’t you have dressed up a little nicer though? ✨” pft
Brief aside with Scriabin!Edgar out drinking with my OC Mint who has very openly had a crush on the Vargases for a while now, thanks Mint
Honestly it was all just an excuse to turn him down and have Scriabin call Edgar his “landlord” haha; I was feeling nostalgic and went back to reread some old YuGiOh fics and had been so long away that I forgot that was a term used in the fandom to refer to the bodies of people the various Yamis would take over hehe ♪ It felt very fitting!
I can call him that but don’t you call him that >:(
Angy Scriabin!Edgar, the usual
Handplates re/reading doodles!! Hghgh!!! The theses of these stories of codependent relationships cut me to my very core I’ll have you know 💕 I managed to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of Handplates!Vargas but I was this close, lemme tell you. The subtle shift in phrasing changes so much ;; I love them dearly
A kind-of leftover WOY style Scriabin, since I made his hair all pointy in my first doodles - the WOY style is quite soft and round! He looks very silly hehe
Another song that is, yes, unironically in my Vargas playlist. This is a Nny song to me and you can pry it from my cold dead correct hands. That beautiful facial hair ♪
More Handplates/Vargas, this time obviously inspired by my holiday request 💕💖💞 I honestly rather like how calm Gaster seems whenever he’s in Edgar’s vicinity, he is a fairly unassuming human haha. Is it because he doesn’t laugh very often? Oh no that’s sad actually haha
I’m not done with Blank Slate Ch. 4 just yet - hopefully soon! - but this lineup stands out to me especially since I made it while rereading Handplates. Specifically after Gaster is pulled out of the Void - Gaster having to face the people he loves who have no memory of him really spoke to me in a Blank Slate way - the scenario of being able to completely start over and have never done anything to hurt your loved ones, at the expense of never having done anything to them, as far as they’re concerned, ah! It hurts so beautifully!! That’s one of the central themes I’m chasing so it was so cool to see in that context! Very inspiring ♥
So remember how in my Sims post, one Vargas family ended up with two Todds? Well what if that but actually
Twin Todd AU, just try and stop me
The saddest little twins y’ever did see ahh 💔 Having to share Shmee because there’s just the one of him! Who has a greater need :’0
I actually went and skimmed the SQUEE! comics to get a better grasp on the Casils, I’d forgotten basically everything haha. It seemed in keeping that if they could barely keep track of the one Todd, they wouldn’t bother even differentiating between two :’) Taking Todd shifts to better share the load
At least they have each other! More helpful than a stuffed bear who eats trauma? On par at least?
I also happened to catch this screenshot of the Todds gossiping about their shadow-dad, though I’m not sure who had seen him :0 By now I have found an adoption memory-loss prevention mod - thank goodness :D - but it wasn’t installed at the time! :0 Blue Todd is the Todd who’d already been the Vargases’ kid, Red Todd is newly-adopted Todd :)
Greetings in order! One of the Todds came by to scout out this strange new person
It’s a name to go by, if nothing else
Reporting back from the field, he has served his big narrative influence hehe ♥
Uh, yeah, about that- While I don’t doubt you were seeing double at times, uhm-
Surprise! Double the sons!
Only so much space in this apartment! They’re probably used to sharing a space to sleep weh, the implications of this AU are sad! I have no one to blame but myself haha
I have never been able to give up this twisted love I have for Edgar getting flustered about incredibly silly things and Scriabin chiding him with just his name haha ♥ Real twins do not delegitimize whatever the hell you two are to each other 💕
Who me? An affinity for how names shape identity and what it means to be a whole separate person? In love with this story in particular? You must be mistaken. But really, what would their name(s) be? I also love the subtle differences even just here - one Todd speaks up for the other! Dynamics ✨
1994, 2004, basically the same year innit. Scriabin is so much more on the up-and-up about the latest technology than Edgar, that old man
In which the offscreen is me lol, I was so blown away by how much more advanced the Sims 2 was from the Sims 1 ♥ Scriabin doesn’t need a box with a program in it, he has the absolute funnest toy in the world already!
And isn’t that the most important part ♪
Scriabin immediately makes himself and hooks up with every Sim he can, Edgar uncomfortable and totally not watching a~ny of the animations hehe ♪ Honestly though, the thought of Scriabin being genuinely excited to virtually get it on with any-and-every delights me haha
Look. Look, okay, look- If I could choose what to be inspired by, I would but sometimes
Obviously Scriabin would be a long Furby lol, this exchange can be summarized to “Scriabin no D:” “Scriabin yes >:D”
He’s complaining that Edgar ignoring him sleeping is boring haha
I did briefly lose my mind over how the Furbish word for “I/me/my/mine” is all the same - linguistically it makes sense, self-possessive, but in this, in their context ♥
Based on that one Wojak format - looks into the camera like “Yes. I am in your head. Insanity tracks” pfft
And it’s @jaspravex with the steel chair!! I hadn’t drawn any of them in like a month and then all of a sudden- I was 1000% not expecting to be hit with such a huge wave of inspiration but gosh and dang did this line of thought light me up. The implication! The jealousy! Wow that’s a lot all at once I wasn’t expecting ♥ Somehow these two never ended up on my shipping chart, dynamics I swear haha ✨
There’s September through February for the fourth go ‘round! Wild when I put it like that :0 Like clockwork, these lads ♪
#💟#Doodles#Art#Sketchdump#Edgar#Scriabin#Jake#Todd#Shmee#Nny#There's a few errant things in here as well - The Sims 2 - Handplates#......Furbies#Look it's fine don't worry about it lol#Oh this one was so nice to edit <3 I've made it once <3 <3 When was the last time I could say that about one of these ♥#And you know what that means right? Other than the fact that I've gotten a bit better at making these without breaking them lol#It means my art production is finally actually properly for realsies slowing down! Not as many to compile over a three month period!#That last one really did surprise me that inspiration hit me upside the head after quite literally a month of nothing#Even my scratch pages hadn't taken precedent for a bit! And yeah this technically still isn't all of what I've made in the meanwhile lol#Once I finish Ch. 4 of Blank Slate there might be another :) Or I might let it go for another chapter or so ♪#Either way! Only took - when did I first go on hiatus lol#July of '22 so a year and a half-ish lol#To finally start to taper off - this is tapering off this is my airtight example of tapering off lol#Handplates and the Sims 2 were my big driving forces this time around hehe <3 Who knows what will catch my attention towards them next!#Lots of Todd AUs around here when I look huh :0 He is best boy he deserves the attention ♪#As always I'll be back in April as well for my personal Vargasversary and to be a sap hehe ♥#Never empty of thoughts or love! Just progressively quieter - for now ♪
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I’ve only been in this fandom a few weeks but you mean the world to me. I want to study you like a bug.
Thank you this is the highest honour actually. (And I cannot stress that enough. I'm blushing)
#Mac asks#you came at such a weird time#this is my weird girl era I think#worse than the shitpost or chill guy era but far better than the complain era#which occurred right when I came back from my 2 month internet cleanse (camp counsellor and portage/tripper guide)#and lasted a solid... 3 months?#lost a lot of mutuals over that period anbfdjslbfaslfbasjdfa#I was going through it#coincidentally a lot of my negativity did largely come from my recently developed wasp allergy#queue series of unfortunate events etc etc#now how on earth did I acquire a wasp allergy out of the blue I wonder#it's anybody's guess#man look at me rambling about myself in the tags (vain)#this is what happens when I log on whilst waaayyyyy too tired. back to regularly scheduled robot posting
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the reason why i’m scared for season 5 is not what you think. it’s not because i’m doubting byler being endgame, i haven’t had a doubt since august of last year. it’s because when byler becomes endgame i won’t have a ship to obsess over 💀
#like think about it#there won’t be anymore theories because well the ship is cannon#the byler tag would probably be full of people freaking out about byler#or milkshits complaining about how byler is a bad ship#i probably would still obsess over byler#but the main reason why im still obsessing over byler#is my obsession of being right reading theories and analyses (keyword obsess not love)#and all of that will be out of the window when byler becomes cannon#(analyses is an exception because they’re probably going to be a 2-3 month period where people talk about it until the tag dies again)#it’s not like i don’t love/obsess other ships but not as much as byler.#byler is my first love fr like i never felt like this before#idk if this is just me#i really typed a whole essay in the tags LMAO#byler#mike wheeler#will byers#byler endgame
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pretty sure i have endo becausw holy shit. holy shit. Holy Shit .
#my period starts but the first 2-3 days are so light#then day 3 or 4 all hell breaks loose#and i have this flare-up of such BAD CRAMPING for a few hours???#like it builds when i wake up in the morning then it usually hits around 11 or 12#and it'll peak and i'll be like fucking miserable and every month im like#'you know what. having babies is not worth this. i think i should just get an ablation and be done with this'#ive been sitting on my bathroom floor pverheating and in pain for hours now and i#i think? the peak is over?#idk. my hips randomly started cramping now so im a little scared it's not actually over but ughhhhhhh#but im not overheating anymore so that's good at least#idfk. im tired. but i can't go lay in bed because i keep having to go on the toilet and WALKING MAKES ME CRAMP MOREEE#so. bathroom floor. watching the upside down show on yt as i mentally recover from yet another hellish month 😭
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every time i look up any gynecological research i wanna start murdering people
#do you know anything? where is the funding going? how have people not figured out ANYTHING about the female reproductive system#and the INSANE number of ways it affects everything inside me#is birth control affecting my mood? who knows. or worse 'No it's all in your head actually'#can birth control make me gain weight 'NO none of the 2 studies we have done reports this' while every other woman reports weight gain#is birth control gonna regulate my hormones? you know the ONE thing it's supposed to do? the thing for which the doctor prescribed it to me#well who knows wait till at least 3 months to find out#but i have side effects: oh they might or might not go away#worst acne of my life when i was prescribed this shit for acne#idk i'm SO fucking mad#give me a mic#rant post#have had pms symptoms for almost a month if my periods aren't any better i'm not taking it anymore TT#when i started i thought what could be worse than my already horrid pms and shitty cramps and acne all over the face#well apparently acne can get worse and all month pms is pretty bad
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. Aaaaaaaa
#i got on birth control to fix the issues thst getting my tubes tied caused.#i am having a second fucking period this month after i had one for over a week and only went away for 2-3 days#last time i was on this birth control i had no period at all#im like no fucking wonder i feel so weird and emotional and all over the fuckin place still#fuck#.bdr#.bdo
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the sun's started rising around the same time it does in late spring so now I've got that weird nostalgia for when I first showed up in the system and I'm also stuck thinking about when Lucy was like "September is the March of the year" because while that's kind of a ridiculous quote, I do get what they meant with it
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#something about the sun rising at the same time and in the same location as it did in those first 3 months of me being in the system#makes me really nostalgic for that time period and it's simultaneously nice experiencing the same vibe#and kind of upsetting when I think a little bit too hard about the passage of time and not being able to go back#I think there's something I miss about everything being new#and a relatively small group of us showing up at around the same time and being in the same situation#and all just kind of working together to figure stuff out#on the one hand suddenly being in the system was upsetting and confusing but there was a kind of novelty to it#whereas now it's just my life. which isn't a bad thing per say. it's just that a lot of things have sunk in since then#about being stuck here and having to deal with certain things permanently#plus a lot of the people I used to hang out with all the time (mostly other people from my source) aren't as active anymore#although I think a lot of them were less active last summer but then more active over the winter? maybe that'll happen again? who knows...#I should have been in bed probably 2+ hours ago and I think that's making me feel weird emotionally#and now I'm thinking a little too hard about being stuck in a body that doesn't feel like it's mine#because I looked in the mirror for a little too long earlier and got freaked out about seeing someone else's reflection
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#its so funny#so a while back i hired a housekeeper#and when i hired her she was insistent on a twice a month schedule#and i was like - wow building up that bank account much? sorry but i will be good with once a month#and she was like - noap! its once every 2 weeks until we see if you can make it to once a month#and im like - damn. ok. maybe every 3 weeks?#and goddamn if she didnt stick to a twice a month schedule#she said its like maintaining a car - she didnt want to wait until *after* i miss the oil change and then have to fix my crib#but i was like - ok whatever. when i see that every 2 weeks is too often i will just re-negotiat. no prob right?#i mean im pretty clean right? momma didnt raise me to live in a pigsty#soooo …. its been like over two months now?#and guess what???#lol - by day 12 or 13 im like: GODDAMN THIS PLACE IS A FUCKN MESS WHERE TF IS THE CLEANING LADY?#and you know whats funny? i *think* i have always kept a relatively clean house (its only a 2br 2ba condo)#but now im wondering if she didnt pull a jedi mind trick on me?#ya know - did she plant a suggestive idea in my head?#bc now right at the 2 week period im like - SOMEBODY HELP ME !!!#lmao - but she is sooo good tho#after shes been here and then i get home#i almost dont wanna touch anything bc the place looks like its ready for a hgtv photo shoot#my crib is soo fresh & clean#lol#imma fuckn mess sometimes
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Today it's been Eight Months since my son was born I had anything even vaguely resembling a decent night sleep. I know most parents look forward to milestones like walking or starting school but I'm currently most looking forward to when my kids are old enough for me to get an Ambien prescription...
#tonights Mommy Blog is presented by the letter O for Overnight Wakeups#those things babies are supposed to be over by six months but which my kids still does atleast twice a week#we're to the point a 'good' night is only 3 overnight bottles and no awake periods#or we have nights like tonight where its only 2#and yet we've had six oz over three bottles and have been wide awake for 30 minutes now#this is why no writing gets done#so fucking brain fried guys#sleep deprivation is a war crime..
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#I hate having a uterus cause like#My period stopped for a good 2 years after my IUD#Then I spotted sometimes#Then for a good year now I've had some spotting every month on a cycle with pms#Some months with near pre iud endo pain#And now out of nowhere it's been 7 weeks since my last 'period'#So is my iud pulling my leg or what#I have too much going on to deal with this#The family I nanny for kiddo started school yesterday#But they gave my number out#So I'm watching 3 kiddos over the weekend#Along with the two boys I watch about once a week#My life is so asdfghjkl I'm not ready to jump into a new M-F thing#But at least I feel warm about parents trusting me and telling others about me?#Idk I'd feel more comfortable with a college educated caretaker with teaching experience over a teenager#🤷♀️
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#the whole vet situation gives me such trauma whiplash im too busy with that that i havent really given myself a chance to process today#all i can think about is how painful eating must be for mischa#i noticed she slowed down a bit and wouldnt eat kibble or hard snacks but i thought it might be one single tooth ache idk#i actually thought she was doing better because she slowed down because she has been gulping down food way too fast since the shelter#the last time she had tooth problems like 2-3 years ago i asked a friend to come with me to the vet and she said omg yes of course#and then she resumed texting me normal stuff throughout the day of the appointment and only after i didnt reply the whole day she noticed#like 10 hours too late she was like OH SHIT HAHA!! and this is literally what happens every time when i ask someone to be there for me#when i make myself really vulnerable and ask for help and say that i cant do something alone they let me down#while knowing that i have no one else#i asked my mom to come to the vet once and she literally only talked about herself the whole time distracting me#and then she was like haha yeah lets just drop off the cat at home and go get some lunch hihi!!!!#she never remembers vet appointments even when we just talked about them and loves making fun of me for being stressed and tense#like OH NO WONDER YOU WERE MOODY like im on my period or something#i texted a friend about mischas health issues and me losing my job and she hasnt replied since january and doesnt really talk to me anymore#so i guess that friendship is done too#ill have to go there on thursday alone and overdraft my account and wait until the evening and care for mischa all alone#i cant even talk with someone about this because no one understands or judges my emotions and no one cares anyway#and then ill have to go back to work where everyone knows that i will be gone soon and will pester me about it#they all think of me as a temporary intern anyway and ask WHEN WILL YOU GO FIND A REAL JOB while they make me do theirs#everything and everyone at that job is so horrible and so many people leave and they never learn#a colleague i helped teaching everything suddenly turned on me &my other colleague & made our lives miserable while badmouthing us viciously#and everyone in the office chose her over us and let her get away with it while she screamed at us and behaved like a child#its so ironic how i stayed because i needed money to live and now when i go i will have 0 because of the surgery#i mean its worth it but like#what the fuck is life and what will it fucking be next month
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#woke up this morning and to no one surprise i got my period#which explains my ………#mood……#over the week#however i still pretend to be shocked#how many TIMES do i have to go through this to realize the 2 may be related#and the fact that this happens. almost every month. literally whats the point#i get like maybe 2 weeks of feeling normal? then i get 2-3 weeks of feeling like shit#this cycle fucking sucks#i want out
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Only 2 hours into my shift and I'm ready to fight
#this entitled smoothbrain fricker kept bothering employees over ammo#you had 3 people call for someone with keys (including me)#DONT FUCKING WALK UP TO ME ASKING IF I CAN HELP YOU#IF I COULD HELP YOU I WOULD HAVE ALREADY FUCKING CHRIST#and then all the smooth brains who just stand in the way of someone VERY OBVIOUSLY working#i really wish a fucker would#id period all over them or something fuck idk#im mostly mad cause i feel like crap and my 2 month period has booked an extended stay at the Pink Motel... very suddenly#i think I'm gonna fight for a hysterectomy i cant fucking deal with this
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tw eating disorder talk in the tags btw. just me being open for the first time in a long time but no numbers or specifics that could be triggering do nawt worry
#i was hospitalized for an nervosa in jan 2022#and since then i have relapsed two times in the past two years#i was reading my journals and food logs from the inpatient and outpatient progreams#and wow. i was so fucking unwell#two years ago i was so severely depressed and so severely malnourished#i was incredibly frail in every sense. it was scary. I thought I'd die of starvation before suicide at one point#but ever since i was released in the spring of 2022 i told myself that if i wanted to kill myself it wouldn't be from an eating disorder#because I'd want to eat a nice last meal at least 😭💀#also because the way i was suffering at my worst was terrifying and so painful in the slowest way possible#skip to present day#i relapsed during summer 2023#i was restricting my intake+over exercising+lost almost all the weight that i was restored to and was getting frail in every sense again#but i was running on adrenaline and i was working 6-15 hours a week and cooking 'for fun' so no one noticed#it was not fun cooking btw i was being neurotic about portions and calories and ingredients#LOL anyway#I've been in a semi recovery period for the past 4 months#but over the past 2-3 weeks I've been struggling really hard mentally again#like i feel insane. i cant turn off the calorie counter in my mind. i cant eat certain things out of pure unfiltered anxiety. im clinging#to this feeling of immediate and temporary relief that i get from controlling things#i follow my meal plan provided by my registered dietitian and psychologist but#i get so anxious about it and it's crazy how fixated i get on different aspects of what/how im eating#it's like over time I've become orthorexic. HELP anyway#the point is. this break has made me have so many deep urges to go back to restricting and getting worse#for the sake of temporary and immediate relief + a sense of control#but i realised that as much as i feel i need to be in control. it's not worth it#it felt worth it over the summer but it wasn't because the c psych and RD wanted me to try another hospital program if i couldn't get myself#back on track with just their help#like being informed that my routine of neurosis was worse than i thought was so . unexpected#i thought i was fine. it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it was back in late 2021 or early 2022#but it was bad! i had low blood pressure i was getting hypoglycemic i was dizzy i was lightheaded i was getting sick every month
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It's often so easy to make decisions you don't have to make, far more so than the ones you have to. Hence, much human behavior. (⬅️ a good and rational statement made by me, a human who engages in much behavior)
#anyways. i had 3 donuts 2 cupcakes and 1 ice cream cone today. i then listened to 9.4 Mitski songs today.#if i was travelling at an average of 55 mph over the course of an area of 21 miles squared - some of which retread -#and i've been closeted working at a catholic school for approximately 15 months#with an average of two orgasms per night during that period of time#and my period started 19 hours ago#what is the name of the person i expect to save me from circumstances both within and beyond my control?#this is not a multiple choice question
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