#pay the bills and have enough for insurance and groceries and whatever i need to survive

[coffeeman777]

This is for all of my follwers/mutuals who are Christians:

I want to preface this by saying that what I'm about to share with you is only to ask you for prayer. I don't want favors, and I'm not looking for a handout. We need God to open a door for us, and so I beg you, please pray for us.

We moved to Florida coming on three years ago. We came here primarily because we believed God was leading us here. In various ways, we believed God confirmed His will for us, and so I left a great job and we sold a great house to move here. We have been opposed in every way imaginable since.

Days after moving down, Lisa and I were in a terrible car accident that we only walked away from by God's grace. We were rear-ended by an Edible Arrangements delivery truck on the highway, and Lisa sustained significant injuries that are still causing us major problems. The franchise owner was operating their delivery vehicle without insurance, and I've learned since that they shut down their Edible Arrangements franchise and took off, leaving us holding the bag.

I've been in armed security since I got out of the Marines, and in New Hampshire, that was enough to take care of myself and my family. But it isn't in Florida. The pay for most armed security gigs here is super low, and I haven't been able to find work comparable to what I had in New Hampshire. So I tried to change courses.

I earned my personal trainer certification through the National Academy of Sports Medicine, but couldn't make it as a trainer. I made the attempt to go back to college and get a degree and certification as a paramedic, but after months of jumping through hoops, that fell through. I went back to New Hampshire by myself and spent six months away from my family to try to earn enough money working both my old job and a second job, but that plan didn't work because hours were limited with both gigs, and each job wanted me to work overlapping hours; I couldn't make the schedules line up.

My incredibly generous parents-in-law offered to pay our bills so that I could come back to Florida and try a new plan. I went to a CDL training course to get into trucking. After the very long and very expensive process, I finally got my CDL-A. While I was working on that, a random disagreement between my health insurance company and the medical supplier that issued me my cpap (I have sleep apnea) resulted in the supplier demanding that I give them the machine back. It took from middle February to early June for me to get another cpap. The end result is that, as of today, I have just under two months of cpap usage data. I discovered only after getting my CDL that no trucking company will hire me with less than 90 days of cpap usage data.

I've been pre-hired and subsequently turned away from three different trucking companies since I got my CDL over the cpap nonsense (one of which told me that what I had for cpap usage was fine, only to tell me on the first day of orientation that it actually wasn't fine, and they had to let me go). It's going to be another month before I can get started with any trucking company, and I'm concerned that I'll have to go to refresher training, which will only increase the months of time I'll have to spend as a trainee with whatever company hires me, which means it will be a long time before I make enough money to survive.

My in-laws can't continue paying our bills, and although I've had a half dozen low paying jobs in this time just to be bringing in something, now I'm struggling to get anything. I've applied to more jobs than I can remember, and I can't get any traction. Not even Domino's will call me back. Our backs are up against a wall.

My first payment for the money I borrowed to pay for CDL school was due almost a month ago, and I haven't been able to pay it (I had to get financing because my GI Bill expired and the VA ignored my request for an extension). Rent is almost 2k a month. We can't afford groceries (we've been living off of food pantries).

I don't know what to do. I've been crying out to God for an open door, but so far nothing has happened. My in-laws are just about tapped out, and in my mind, the only thing worse than wrecking my own family financially is dragging them down with me.

Please pray for us. Please pray for God to give us an open door, or some understanding of what to do next. I know God didn't bring us here to let us die. God is good, and God keeps His promises. God is perfect, and righteous, and just in all His ways. God has promised that He will turn about all things for the good of them that love Him. I know God has not abandoned us, and that when the time is right, God will make a way.

I say again, I am not looking for favors or begging for money. I know all of us are really going through it right now. All I want from you is prayer. Please pray intensely for us.

Thanks, I love you all.

[rjalker]

February 12th 2023: don't donate until this part is removed! someone stole my fucking wallet.

I'm making this my pinned post because I am tired of suffering.

Here's the link to my actual About post. Read it if you're going to follow me, it has my DNI as well as tags I use for things so you can blacklist them if you want/need to.

====

Hi I'm fucking too disabled to work but have to get a fucking lawyer to get fucking disability SSI from the stupid fucking government because it's literally designed to make people give up before they get their gods damned money.

I literally don't even eat even a single meal each day.

I'm also trans and would like to fucking medically transition someday but at this point I've just fucking give up that hope because I will literally never be able to afford it unless capitalism gets smashed tomorrow. in which case none of this matters, but that's not going to happen because that's not how revolution works so fucking anyways

also we're out of ibuprophen and I have fucking menstrual cramps right and yeah I should probably get fucking tested for endomitroiosis or whatever the fuck it's called but you know what else I don't have? Health insurance. Because I'm too disabled to work, and even if I could work literlaly no one will give me a full time job that wouldn't literaly just end up killing me.

====

Here's the gofundme link.

My paypal, venmo, and cashapp are all "Rjalker".

Here's the link to my redbubble store if you'd rather buy something.

You can also tip me through tumblr.

====

I have the Redbubble prices set so that when you buy a product I actually get a decent cut instead of $2 max. If you buy a pin, for example, I get $9.

My paypal icon is the same flower design as my tumblr icon. I don't think cashapp and venmo have icons but if they do I'll make sure they're the same too.

Check out and request more pronoun pins on my sideblog @custom-pronoun-pins

This post is being made November 30th 2022 but unless they suddenly invent No Longer Disabled pills it's just not going to have a fucking "this is no longer relevant" date because this shit isn't going to get better.

Here's what your money will be going towards if you donate:

rent, $500 a month for my half

phone bill, $35 a month

water bill, around $35 a month

internet bill , $45 a month

cat food, cat litter, and vet visits

groceries

clothes

fixing the washer or just buying a new one

fixing the dryer or just buying a new one

all the fantasy and scifi books I'm going to write that I will literally be giving away for free because if it's not clear enough yet I fucking hate capitalism. You will be able to download the books for free endlessly and the only time you'll have to pay money is for the cost of the materials to make the physical book.

we literally have not had a functional washer or dryer for the last like five fucking years in a row. All our clothes have to be washed in the fucking tub and then hung up in front of a fan to dry, or put in the fucking pop-up air dryer we found that takes for fucking ever and can't hold more than a few things before it stops working almost entirely.

I'm making this my pinned post because I'm tired of suffering. I'll fucking put the other one back when capitalism ends or I get the fucking disability SSI I literally would have been getting from birth except for the fucking idiot in the government who decided to fucking remove us from the fucking disability list when we turned eighteen when they took us off the fucking survivor's benefits of our fucking dad dying.

No I am not fucking joking. My twin and I were literally born four months early. We were literally guaranteed disability SSI from the moment we were born because of all the shit that went wrong and the fact that both of us were blatantly fucking autistic and had dyslexia and all this other shit.

And some fucking government worker fucked up when we turned eighteen and not only took us off the fucking survivor's benefits SSI, which overrode the disability SSI, but also fucking took us off the list for the disabled SSI.

Literally assigned abled at eighteen.

And I still haven't even fucking been diagnosed with anything for my physical disability because again! No health insurance! Because I can't work! Because I'm disabled! And since I can't work I can't get my disability diagnosed! Which means I can't get accommodations! It's literally a fucking endless cycle that will only stop if I or capitalism die!!!

======

Update 12/11/22: The water bill for November has been paid! Thank you!

[renee-writer]

Something to think about....

What if you were a single parent with a child . You work full time for $14.00 hr. You bring home roughly $800 .00 per paycheck (bi-weekly).

Your bills:

$1, 000 . 00 / rent

$150 .00 / electrical

$250 .00 / car payment

$150 .00 / car insurance

So let’s do the math :

You bring home about

$1,600 .00 a month & your bills average about $1,550.00 (give or take).

You’re making it, but barely.

This doesn't even include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc .

(nor does it include child tax credit, or child support)

Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a power bill for $600 .00

How do you pay that?

To put it simply , you don’t.

Because you can’t.

So your power gets shut off.

But you know what your lease says?

It says you get evicted if your utilities are terminated.

So now you’re in court crying to a judge who doesn’t care, & you have 10 days to get out.

Well you’re in luck, because you found somewhere with 3 days to spare & it’s only $650.00 a month!

But to get in, you must pass a background & credit check. Which you can’t because you just got evicted.

You’ve never been a criminal, but even if you could pass it, you’re looking at $1300 to move in, after paying the deposit & first month’s rent.

Time’s up ....

Landlord shows up at 7am with the police & changed your locks.

So, now you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son & everything you need to get by.

You tried to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address so they won’t sell one to you. So you could only take what would fit in your backseat.

You pay to shower at local truck stops & eat whatever can be cooked in a gas station microwave.Someone sees you & your son living like this & calls C.P.S; guess what happens next ? ? ?

They remove your child from your care.

As if this isn’t devastating enough, you lose your job too. (Because “an employee losing their child reflects poorly on this company .”)

So now, you apply for an apartment with the region where the waiting list is 3-7 years.

Then you go into Wal-Mart to put in an application.

When you get back to your car you see that your back window has been smashed & someone helped themselves to your belongings. Remember that it is December & really cold. Now you have damage to your only shelter.

You call your car insurance, who says your deductible is $1,000.00

~ AND ~ they’re going to increase your monthly rate since you’re now

“ high risk .”

You call the homeless shelter as a last resort & all their beds are full.

I’ll stop here .....

Because I think you get the point .

The people we work with everyday are these people .

WE ARE THESE PEOPLE .

We are all so close to homelessness & don’t even realize it .

All it takes is :

* one unexpected bill📃~

* one fender bender🚙💥🚗~

* one lay-off 📊~

* one house fire 🏠🔥 , etc.

Instead of talking trash about people who are poor , homeless , or need assistance , why don’t you try being grateful that you’re not in their shoes ...... YET !

This is about staying humble & being kind .

BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ❤

We Are All Struggling In Different Ways.. 😭😩

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

What did Reynold do and why is it a wrap?

Oh, it's nothing dramatic. He was just a guy I knew in high school who would regularly do strange and unpredictable things, like ask people to play the guitar for him or suddenly decide he wanted to live on some island with no electricity for six months while wearing only white robes (this is not an exaggeration). It wasn't clear what prompted any of these bizarre ideas, but he had always been kinda wacky so we didn't think much about it except that it seemed pretty unusual behavior for someone to become very intensely interested in at random.

And then one day out of nowhere he stopped showing up to school, which was weird because he lived right down the street from me, so everyone figured something had happened to his family or whatever -- parents died? moved away? went bankrupt? nobody really knows. This went on for a long time until one night when my friends were sitting around talking about it and wondering if they should look into this guy's situation more closely or something, and I mentioned that Reynold was involved in Scientology, and immediately they all burst out laughing because it turns out everyone thought he was doing something else, and only I knew about the Scientology thing because Reynold tried to convert me once after saying "we have to talk" while walking alone through the woods behind our house on a snowy evening and I told him flatlyet I wasn't going anywhere without my friend as backup, and he said okay and walked off to go find another mark and never came back.

So yeah, that's what happened there. The story doesn't end there though: years later, I ran into one of my former teachers outside of the grocery store, and she asked how I was doing, and I started telling her about this job offer I got in Canada but was worried about taking because I needed health insurance coverage and didn't want to get stuck paying big medical bills if anything bad happened to me, and my teacher looked very concerned and asked where I got health insurance now, and I explained that my dad worked for a university and provided group coverage for us, and my teacher responded "oh, I hope you know your father has cancer," and I was like wait . . . what? So apparently even though Reynold left town years ago, he stayed active enough in Scientology circles that word of him having cancer spread among various old classmates, including my teacher, and none of them contacted the rest of us. That was a shitty way to learn about that.

Anyway, the whole thing seems a bit ridiculous in retrospect -- why did I pick Scientologists specifically out of all groups as "the ones who could be trying to recruit me"? And also, what was the deal with Reynold himself, anyway? But part of what makes it funny/memorable is the fact that it's such a total coincidence, which happens to be exactly the sort of thing I try to avoid creating with stories. Which isn't surprising, since I write fiction based on real events in order to keep myself grounded! I guess it worked for a little while there. :)

(In case anyone ever wants to read more about this guy, there is a documentary film made by two guys who followed him around for a year.)

[100dayproductivity]

70/100.

This morning's coffee is not what I expected. There's half a mountain missing in the background. Supposed to be Lisbon. Not bad, though.

I've got some more pie charts for you today! Let's have a closer look at what I spend my money on. We already know that more than half my money goes to housing. Let's break that down further.

So about a quarter of my housing cost goes to property tax and insurance. The rest is all mortgage. Eek! Something needs to be done about that...

Alright, let's have a closer look at "Everything Else". First, there's basic necessities: food, clothing, heat, water, electricity, phone & Internet. (Yes, I know one might argue that Internet is not a basic necessity, but really, it is. Besides, it comes bundled with the phone.)

So basic necessities account for about a third of my spending.

A few things to note:

Take-out/dining out is not included here. 10% of my spending is on groceries only, mainly: fresh produce, raw meat & deli meat, dairy & eggs, bakery items, pantry items.

"Household" includes all the things you need to run a household besides clothes and food, such as: toilet paper, soap, toothpaste, batteries, etc. I've lumped clothing and "household" into one grouping because I'm not tracking individual itemized receipts, I'm just looking at banking and credit card statements, so my data is based on what stores I shopped at, not what I bought. So, for example, I know that money I spent at Winner's was more than likely an item of clothing, but it could also have been bed sheets. I mostly buy soap, toothpaste, shampoo & conditioner, moisturizer, dishwashing liquid and laundry detergent from Melaleuca but I sometimes also buy snacks. So it's not a perfectly parsed accounting of my spending habits but it's close enough.

Next, we have expenses that are really not optional: visits to the dentist and optometrist, and my contact lenses. My health insurance premiums are included here as well, since my insurance pays for most of my dental, vision and prescription medication (however, my out-of-pocket expenses for prescriptions is not reflected here as it was captured under my household spending.)

Also in this section are my life and disability insurance premiums. These are not optional as I have dependents.

We're down to the final 6th of my money. Where does this go?

Ah yes, my cats. Those darned cats! The bulk of this amount has been for vet bills. My older cat is really elderly now and has been requiring a lot of vet visits lately. And I pay through the nose for each visit. Ugh! But what are you gonna do? He doesn't have too much time left, maybe a couple of years at best? I want to give him a good quality of life in his senior years.

"Miscellaneous kids expenses" includes my share of money my ex spent on things like shoes and coats for our children, and their cell phones. These should really be under the "clothing and household" grouping. But whatever. Also included here is the cost of my kids' extracurriculars.

A tiny sliver of my spending goes to transportation. The reason it's so tiny is because I don't drive. I occasionally need to use public transit but mostly I walk or bike as almost everything I need for day-to-day life is within 2km of my house.

And now we're down to the last little piece of the pie. This is the only part of my spending that isn't really necessary.

This is where I've recorded take-out and dining. Once again, eating makes the biggest dent in my wallet. (We'd all be so much richer if we didn't have to eat.) Also included in the light blue bar is "fun" stuff, like when I took my kids to this live show, or that other time we went to a video game arcade to celebrate my son's birthday. Stuff like that.

Finally, the yellow "miscellaneous" bar is for expenses that didn't really fit in the other categories. Banking fees, for example. The cost of shipping a couple of books I sold on eBay. Sadly, the small amount I've donated to charity is also reflected in this amount.

So there you have it. A complete breakdown of where my money goes. It doesn't take a personal finance genius to see that I probably have more house than I can comfortably afford. I already live very frugally, there's just not that much room left for cutting back my other expenses. Even if I did tighten my belt even more than it already is, not only would I cut myself in half, it wouldn't be enough to make a difference in my housing cost. I'm going to have to do something drastic to address this situation. Like rob a bank (just kidding!). I'm either going to have to earn more, or leverage my house so others are paying for it. Interesting. I'm going to have to mull this over.

In the meantime, I have some things I really need to work on today:

Mow the lawn (will have to be tomorrow because it's raining again!)

Fry up some ground beef I have in the fridge before it goes bad

Invoice my clients! I'm late with this!

Laundry

[sigilmain]

Okay gonna rant coz I already did all this math for something else and I'm mad anyway.

Minimum wage in my state is $10.10

Many places used to do the thing of saying part time and then having it be like .1 hours under what is considered full time but they can't do that any more due to new laws saying if your average weekly hours are above a set amount for a 4 week period they have to give you benefits so rather than do the math they just hire at 15-20 hours a week

Which means to get full time 40 hours a week you need to work two or three jobs and hope the schedules don't overlap and if the schedules do overlap hope the places don't go "show up or get fired"

Now for math! If you are lucky enough to get 40 hours a week at minimum wage you're making $404 a week, or let's say $808 every two weeks as is the usual pay period

Keeping in mind that's before taxes come out; after taxes according to a calculator found on my state's official .gov website that's $632 every two weeks, or about $1,264 a month

The average one bedroom/one bathroom apartment in my area runs $1,000 a month on average and that's without utilities

On top of that, unless you have someone to cosign for you since they still have this outdated image that your rent should be no more than 1/3 of your income if you're not making at least $3,000 a month they will usually deny you

So to afford a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment you either need to share with 2 other people or work 120 hours a week at 9 different jobs without scheduling errors; keeping in mind there's only 168 hours in a week, so that work load leaves you 48 hours per 7 days [about 6.8 hours a day] to sleep, eat, shower, transport yourself to work, clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, etc.

And let's say you do manage to find 2 people that you're willing to share a single bedroom and bathroom with [assuming you're just working 40 hours a week] so the rent goes down to $334 per month [rounding]

Of the $1,264 you've made that just leaves $930 per month to pay for a car/gas or transport like Uber since my area has 0 public transport, utilities [since those aren't covered in the rent], internet and phone bills, an groceries.

My last roommate's car bill was $300 a month, gas to get to and from his job that was just a 15 minute drive was nearly $100 a month. And can't forget car insurance, which you need to be able to legally drive! The cheapest car insurance in my state is about $80 a month, so there goes $480 leaving $450 behind if you're lucky to have a job that's so close by and not a 30-45 minute commute like my mom had when I was growing up

Utilities averaged around $100 a month and the internet $80 for stuff that didn't shut down the second we were both trying to watch videos on our computers, so let's say that's $180 divided by 3 people coming out to $60 a month which leaves $390

The current cheapest price I can find for cell phones is $30 a month through Cricket. Yes other places offer cheaper, including Mint Mobile at $15 a month, but those places only come at that price if you pay multiple months [usually 3-12 months] in one big lump sum. So let's take the $30 a month, leaving now $360 a month left over

I shop for myself, and my grocery bill averages $70 a week right now because of inflation. That's with me buying store brands, buying stuff to cook myself if the component ingredients are cheaper, doing meal prep, buying stuff that's on sale, having access to my house mate's store card that gives discounts on store brands because he works there, coupons, and every other money saving method that's reasonable for me. So $280 a month for groceries, and let's bump that up to $300 to account for times you gotta buy things like laundry detergent, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, and things like that. We're down to $60 a month

$60 a month that you get to set aside to have savings. No going out to dinner, no subs to streaming services or your favorite video game or whatever, no accounting for pets or renters insurance or random expenses or your roommates eating your food or health insurance [since your jobs will likely fight you on providing it] or doctor visits or needing maintenance on your car or anything else

Working 40 hours a week with at least two jobs, often three, will leave you $60 a month to spend on non-bills if you share a one bedroom/one bathroom apartment with 2 people and the rent and utilities are paid equally between everyone and you have no surprise expenses

And people wonder why my generation and those younger have just given up on everything. This is the kind of shit that's happening to us and we get blamed for being lazy or not wanting to work but the reality is we know it doesn't matter; even if we do work we won't make enough and when we say we're struggling we'll still be called lazy when it's not our fault our government benefits too much from corporate greed to do anything meaningful about it. And why I'm just....tired. So, so tired.

[imkeepinit]

Something to think about...

What if you were a single parent with a child. You work full time for $14.00 hr.  You bring home roughly $800 per paycheck (bi-weekly). 

Your bills: $1,000 / rent  $150 / electrical  $250 / car payment $150 / car insurance.

 So let’s do the math: You bring home about $1,600 a month & your bills average about $1,550 (give or take).You’re making it, but barely. This doesn't even include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc.(nor does it include child tax credit, or child support).Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a power bill for $600. How do you pay that? To put it simply, you don’t. Because you can’t. So your power gets shut off. But you know what your lease says? It says you get evicted if your utilities are terminated. So now you’re in court crying to a judge who doesn’t care, & you have 10 days to get out. 

Well you’re in luck, because you found somewhere with 3 days to spare & it’s only $650.00 a month! But to get in, you must pass a background & credit check. Which you can’t because you just got evicted. You’ve never been a criminal, but even if you could pass it, you’re looking at $1300 to move in, after paying the deposit & first month’s rent. 

Time’s up ... Landlord shows up at 7am with the police & changed your locks. So, now you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son & everything you need to get by. You tried to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address so they won’t sell one to you. So you could only take what would fit in your backseat. You pay to shower at local truck stops & eat whatever can be cooked in a gas station microwave. 

Someone sees you & your son living like this & calls Children’s Services; guess what happens next? They remove your child from your care. As if this isn’t devastating enough, you lose your job too. (Because “an employee losing their child reflects poorly on this company.”) So now, you apply for an apartment with the region where the waiting list is 3-7 years.

Then you go into Wal-Mart to put in an application. When you get back to your car you see that your back window has been smashed & someone helped themselves to your belongings. Remember that it is December & really cold.  Now you have damage to your only shelter. You call your car insurance, who says your deductible is $1,000.00 ~ AND ~ they’re going to increase your monthly rate since you’re now “high risk.” 

You call the homeless shelter as a last resort & all their beds are full. I’ll stop here ... Because I think you get the point.

The people we work with everyday are these people.

 WE   ARE   THESE   PEOPLE.

We are all so close to homelessness & don’t even realize it. All it takes is : * one unexpected bill~* one fender bender~* one lay-off ~* one house fire  , etc. Instead of talking trash about people who are poor, homeless, or need assistance, why don’t you try being grateful that you’re not in their shoes ... YET! 

This is about staying humble & being kind.

[hawkinspostbite]

the car

words: 1,341

MASTERLIST tales from the great beyond

A/N: I do not claim to, nor do I own Stranger Things; the concept, characters, plot, etc.

At the beginning of the month, Kate’s parents had bought her a refurbished 1970 Dodge Charger. And Billy was green with envy.

Sure, he loved his car. It was kickass. It made him a spectacle, got him tons of babes, and treated him well in many other ways. It wasn’t the kind of car Kate got, it could’ve been a thirty-year-old station wagon, and he still would’ve been jealous.

He was jealous because she didn’t have to put a cent towards it.

She woke up on the day of her driving exam, aced it, and that weekend she had a Charger sitting in the driveway, ready to be used.

Surely, it couldn’t have been cheap, as it was pushing sixteen years old, and it was spotless. Everything looked perfect, from the chrome on the rims, to the stitching on the upholstery, and the minor tinting on the windows.

Her parents even paid for the insurance, and gave her a gas allowance. And footed the bill for upkeep, which is why Billy jumped at the opportunity to change the oil in the car.

Kate had asked him to do it, one: because he needed the money and her parents would pay good; and two: because it would allow him to practice working on his future occupation.

Billy loved cars. And he couldn’t see himself going to school any further than high school, so he had decided that he was going to get into mechanical work. And maybe someday he could open up his own garage, provide for his family.

Do better than his dad did.

Kate’s plan however, was faulty.

“I’m gonna tell them I’m taking it to a garage, you can charge them whatever you want.” She had said, after explaining her genius plan to him.

That was pretty fool-proof. Kate’s parents didn’t give her the time of day on average, so if she presented them with a bill from a mechanic, they wouldn’t even bat an eye.

“You can just do it at the house.” She had shrugged, as if it was no big deal. “I mean, everyone knows we hang in the same group, so if you show up to change my oil, it won’t be that much of a shock.”

She also promised to make Steve swear he wouldn’t snitch about the whole “Billy disguising himself as the garage” bit.

Billy was not confident that Steve would hold up his end of the deal. However, Kate’s confidence in him was enough to make him say yes to the job.

So here he was, bright and early on a Saturday morning, laying underneath Kate’s car, on the freezing cold sidewalk outside of her house.

And changing the oil was already not going well.

For starters, he couldn’t get the cap off, so Kate spent five minutes searching through her father’s tools in the garage for a wrench.

Then, when Billy finally went to use the wrench to twist the cap off, it practically fell off, right onto his face. And in-turn, so did a steady stream of oil.

Kate rushed inside to grab old towels for him to clean up with, but by that time he was already ready to call it quits and go home. But nevertheless, he continued.

He emptied the rest of the old oil into the drip pan, and just as he was about to slide out from underneath the car and start replacing the oil, he realized Kate had bought the incorrect oil.

So Billy, very very begrudgingly, let Kate drive his car downtown to pick up the right oil. There was no way he was getting in his car covered in oil remnants, so he chose the lesser of two evils, which was letting her drive.

Billy sat with bated breath, inside the garage, trying to keep himself warm by the minuscule space heater, as he waited for her return.

After almost an hour, Kate finally came back, not only with oil, but an entire load of groceries.

Billy jumped up from the floor, feeling heat rise in his chest at the sight of her with her arms full of bags. “You got a whole grocery order Harrington?” He gawked, pointing at the bags in her arms. “Did you at least get the oil?”

She waved the sticky note he had written the correct oil on in her fingers. “Duh!” She snickered, pushing past him and dropping the oil at his feet.

“Well I just had to ask because it looks like you had other things on your mind.” He shook his head, grabbing the oil from the ground.

“When convenience strikes!” She replied, shrugging. “Let me know if you need more help, I’ll be inside.”

Billy rolled his eyes, venturing back out into the brisk air to finally finish the job he had started.

He went to work, pouring the new oil into the container and waiting for it to settle before testing the depth with the dipstick.

Unfortunately for him, when he pulled the dipstick back out, it was clean as could be. “What the fuck?” He practically screamed, confused and frustrated beyond belief.

Then it dawned on him.

Jaw clenched, he squatted down, noticing the oil pan underneath the car, full to the brim with oil.

He had forgotten to put the cap back on the oil container under the car.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” He did scream this time, aggressively shoving the dipstick back into it’s hole.

Fuming, he stormed into the Harrington house, startling Kate as she was putting groceries away. “What the hell!” She gasped, hand over her heart.

“I forgot to put the cap back on under your car!” He shouted back, throwing it onto the island.

Kate frowned, looking between Billy and the cap. “So-“

“Where did you put my keys?” He snapped, cocking his head at her.

She pointed to the counter beside the sink. “Where are you going?”

Billy crossed the room, grabbing his keys from the counter. “I’m going to buy another pint of oil, I’m gonna come back and change it, and then I’m going home, getting a shower and going to bed the rest of the day!”

Before Kate could even speak, Billy was gone.

The oil covering his body had mostly dried by the time he got into the car, and sped (like literally almost twenty miles over the speed limit.) downtown.

At Bradley’s Big Buy, he purchased two of the correct pints of oil, one extra for good measure.

He drove back to the Harrington house, and changed the oil, WITH the cap on the container this time, and almost didn’t go back inside to say goodbye when he was done.

Kate was sat on the couch in the living room, a mug of tea beside her and a movie playing on the television in front of her. She looked away from the screen, eyebrows raising at him. “You finished?” She asked.

Billy nodded, clenching his jaw. “Never ask me to do that again.” He huffed, walking over to the couch and plopping down beside her. “Is your brother home?”

Kate sighed, fighting with a torn edge of the blanket that was draped over her. “Upstairs.”

Billy wanted to scream even more. He had a hell of a morning, and all he wanted to do was spend some time with his girl to make himself feel better, but he couldn’t even do that.

He rolled his eyes. “Then I’d better go-“

“We can still hang tonight if you want.” Kate shrugged, grabbing onto his wrist.

Billy felt his heart soften a bit. “Course we can. I’ll pick you up, same time as usual, okay?” He whispered, standing up and bending down to be face-to-face with her.

“Same time as usual.” She replied, stretching upwards to press a quick kiss to his lips.

Billy relished in the feeling, as it was the only thing that would keep him from reaching his breaking point the rest of his day. Which was almost guaranteed, heading home to Neil.

[hb-writes]

Twenty Minutes or Less

It was an impressive view. Nothing like the view from her brother's apartment, but nice enough and it was all hers, something which none of her family was particularly happy about. Emma didn't want a roommate though. She wanted to be on her own, or as on her own as one could be with a security guard for a shadow.

She glanced at her brother as he came out onto the balcony. He looked as tired as she felt. They’d been at it all day, lugging around boxes and putting furniture together. Christian had offered to pay for movers, but Emma declined, declaring that was what siblings were for. 

He didn’t agree with it, but like Mia and Elliot, he had arrived at her new apartment building at eight in the morning to fulfill his sibling duty and stayed throughout the afternoon.

"Mia and Elliot went to pick up dinner."

Emma nodded before looking back out at the view. She knew she was being terribly ungrateful, leaving her brothers and sister to unpack her own boxes and fetch dinner while she brooded on the balcony in the chilly Seattle air, but it was where she ended up, away from their banter and joking.

"What are you doing out here?"

She shrugged. "Just needed a little fresh air."

Christian leaned over the rail beside his sister, looking down into the alleyway outside her building. "Promise me you won't walk down there by yourself at night."

Emma shoved her elbow into Christian's side. "I'm not an idiot, Christian."

"I know," he answered catching her elbow and pulling her into his side with an arm over her shoulder, "but you are alarmingly… we’ll call it adventurous."

Emma smirked because though he often refrained from calling his sister an idiot, Christian had no reservations about labeling her actions as such – idiotic, stupid, careless. He was also partial to labels like impertinent and disobedient and infuriating. Alarmingly adventurous was quite mild comparatively. 

"That's an awfully kind description coming from you."

"You sound surprised."

Emma shook her head and leaned against him. "I'm not. You can be nice when you want to be."

"It's a nice little place, Em."

"You think so?"

"It's no Escala, but—"

"Well, we can't all be flashy billionaires."

"I told you I'd gladly—"

"I don't want you to pay for it."

It bothered him that his sister continued to cut him off, but it bothered him more that she refused to let him pay for her apartment. If she had, then he would have felt entitled to have a say in it rather than being forced to sit back and watch as she viewed apartments in less than desirable neighborhoods, finally settling on a 1-bedroom in a small building across town. 

Emma would have been safer in a larger building, something with secured garage parking and a doorman. He dreaded the idea of her going out to the car late at night to retrieve something she’d forgotten or coming home late and needing to walk a few blocks from whatever spot she found on the street to get to her building, a building nearly anyone could get inside if they stuck around long enough to get the code.

But she’d been insistent that Christian wouldn’t be paying for her apartment. And that it wasn’t his choice. She knew it was a privilege to be able to make a declaration like that, to be able to afford it. She had savings set aside from the time she was a kid, from her parents and her brother, and had never wanted for much of anything material. Maybe that was why she was so insistent on doing as much on her own as possible, going so far as to insist that she wouldn’t touch those accounts to pay for her apartment. 

She had her own spending money. SIP paid well enough that she could get by with the money she'd earned working full-time over the summer and during breaks combined with her regular part-time wages.

Christian still paid for her school though. That had been non-negotiable. A gift, he insisted. There was no reason for her to take out loans when he could pay it outright. 

He assumed his parents would be trying to help her as well, supporting her in subtle ways she'd be less likely to argue against, like grocery store gift cards and neglecting to remind her to pay them for her portion of the cell phone bill, sending her home with extra household supplies which their mother insisted were “cheaper when bought in bulk!” 

He'd done a little of that type of trickery himself. Emma hadn’t paid her own car insurance since the first payment and she was none the wiser to that fact. Christian had no intention of reminding her that it was an expense paid twice per year and he was grateful that stubborn as she was to do things on her own, Emma was still figuring things out. 

"It’s time for me to have my own place."

Christian nodded. "Well, you know you always have a room at Escala,” he offered. “And I'm sure Teddy wouldn’t mind having you back as a roommate."

"Did he tell you that?" Emma asked. "That's some pretty impressive communication for a baby."

Christian glanced at her. "Your sarcasm is duly noted."

Emma smiled as he said it. "Good. I prefer it to be noted. It’s a waste otherwise."

As irritating as her brother could be, overprotective and demanding and guided by seemingly endless rules, Emma would miss him now that she was on her own. She’d miss just knowing someone was always there and though she hadn’t had a nightmare in over a year and she was supposed to be an adult, capable of managing that type of thing on her own, she dreaded what it would be like to wake up and realize the only one there to comfort her was herself. 

And she would miss the baby nephew she’d grown accustomed to spending much of her time with, too. 

Emma reached up to wipe her wet eyes and Christian glanced at her. 

"What's wrong?"

Emma shook her head. "It's nothing," she answered, but the tears started to come faster as she said it.

Christian turned her towards him, his hands on her shoulders. “Emmeline.”

She sighed and met his eye. "It’s stupid. I've just never been on my own before."

Christian pulled her into a hug. "You're not on your own now, either. Do you want one of us to—?"

"No!"

"It'd just be for tonight. I can call Ana and let her know I’m staying or I'm sure Mia would—"

“No, Chris.” Emma shook her head. "I have to do it on my own."

"Well, you won’t really be on your own,” Christian answered. “Ryan is always nearby."

Emma raised her hand to smack him, but Christian caught her wrist, laughing as she groaned.

"I think you should give Ryan some time off,” she answered, pushing him as soon as he dropped his hold. “The man deserves it.”

"After dealing with you? I'm sure he does. I've had to up his pay much too often as compensation for your behavior," he said, "but I trust him and I wouldn't be able to get by without knowing there's someone I trust looking after you."

Christian sighed as she began wiping tears from her cheeks again and pulled her in for another hug. "Don't cry, Em. You’ll be fine."

“But what if—"

"If you need anything, you call me. Same as always. I don't care if it's two in the morning. You call me and I'll be here. It's a twenty-minute drive without traffic."

"It is not. It’s at least—"

"Not with you driving. You're not allowed over the speed limit, but I can be here in twenty minutes. Less than that if it’s an emergency."

-----

Fifty Shades Masterlist

[tiarasnteakettles]

Some updates.

It’s Sunday, so it’s always a last minute scramble to get packages put together, weighed, and postage printed for hopefully a Monday post office trip. Danish Ruby and Cambridge Loveknot tiaras are STILL NOT HERE and I’m waiting 5 more business days  before filing a dispute. Obviously this past #tiarapocalypse is taking longer than ever - between holiday delays in addition to COVID related delays, it’s safe to say a lot of folks aren’t happy with me. This isn’t even beginning to touch on what is happening to me personally in addition to that. I’m kinda hoping what I’m going through right now can be a teachable moment for someone else, however, so I’m just gonna get to it.

My partner, the one who preps my art files and sends them off to have stickers and cards made, as well as take me to the post office whenever I have packages to send - well, he’s been gone since the week after Halloween 2020. Each week, we think he’ll be home the following week, then something happens to prevent that. Then the next week. Then the next. His father has dementia and needs round the clock care - and his mom, through some poor life choices, isn’t in any condition to do so. This is where it starts to get teachable. See, they’re in their 70′s, well past retirement age, and should have plenty of benefits to help get the care they need. This family is VERY well off. Why is their only son nearly being fired from his job for this extended absence to care for them? Where is the money for home healthcare, transportation, etc. if they are, essentially, rich? Well, turns out all those years of cruises, gambling, expensive restaurants every night, and more - have taken their toll.  They did not set anything aside for when the inevitable happens and they become too old to care for themselves.  No insurance, no plans, no money. Nothing. And if you’re an american like me, you know damn well the government systems leave much to be desired. In their case, they’ve managed to get 12 hours of a nurse to come help out per week.  12 hours a week to help them bathe, use the restroom, prepare meals, pick up prescriptions, run errands like getting groceries, etc. It’s not nearly enough.

And so each month goes by, my partner still can’t come home because there’s nothing in place to help his parents if he leaves. And of course we’re angry.  But we’re past the point of anger, being angry doesn’t do anything.  They spent all their money. They didn’t care about themselves, or their son, enough to save a single penny for this part of their lives and chose instead to blow it all on wining and dining and travel. How the money disappeared is of no importance at this point. What matters is the now, and the now is that he is trapped there. No one is expecting him to abandon his parents. I wouldn’t either if I was in his place. And so, while I’m about 11 years younger than him, I still wanted to ask my mom a pretty uncomfortable question: “What happens when you and my stepfather are too old to take care of yourselves? Do y’all have insurance plans or anything for when that happens? Anything set aside to cover things like nurses or transportation or doctors?”

She said, “Nope! Whatever happens, happens.”

She made it pretty clear that I’m expected to leave whatever life I’ve built for myself by that point and come home to care for them - “because your sister won’t,” So I guess the moral here is if you’re in your 20′s, 30′s, 40′s. If you haven’t had this kind of talk with your family - maybe you ought to soon. Don’t get completely blindsided like we have.  I am intellectually disabled and chronically ill. I need help managing daily tasks. I don’t have a drivers’ license because I can’t drive, and I’m immunocompromised so I can’t really leave this house during a pandemic.  It’s hard to take care of myself, let alone keep up with Patreon and the shop (the only thing paying my bills).

The delays from the holidays and now covid are one thing, but having to manage all of this all by myself is also difficult. I’ve been at it 4 months now. I can’t even use the washer to launder my clothes, there’s some sort of leak and he’s not here to look at it and I can’t afford to pay someone to come out and look at it. People drop off groceries at my door to make sure I eat.  When my best friend has a spare moment during the onslaught of classes, every other week or so, he’ll pick up a bunch of my packages and take them to the post office. That’s part of what’s taking so long. I may print the label and pack the order, but it could be sitting in the outgoing bin for weeks before being taken to post. That’s not his job, I’m not about to remind him or beg to come more often. He has his own life and taking care of me isn’t his obligation. So yeah, things are slow. No, I don’t know when things will be better. And for the love of god, talk to your parents about their future plans if they have any so you can be prepared.

[brophigenia]

If you fed me more dark Gansey I would ascend spiritually it would change my life monumentally

Ask and ye shall receive. 

I give you: 

dick gansey and his pack of dogs 

(TW: mentions of sex work, class differences, dark!gansey) 

***

ronan

The collar is thick, handsome brown leather with a glinting gold buckle. Tasteful. Classic. 

It could’ve almost been a fashion statement. Outlandish, yes, but excusable, especially when you knew that Ronan had always been a bit eccentric in his tastes. 

Almost, except for the shining O-ring fixed in its center. 

Almost, except for the way he wore it, with his uniform unbuttoned to expose it, brazen against his fair skin and the black-as-night ink wrapping around his throat, feathers brushing his adam’s apple. 

Almost, except for the way Dick Gansey would curl his fingers into it, possessive and transparent, whenever he and Ronan were within four feet of each other. 

… so, always. 

Gansey holds onto it while he fucks Ronan, always like he’s got all the time in the world. So leisurely with the pounding grind of his hips, as if it were only his right. 

And it is— Ronan is nothing but Gansey’s, now. Nothing but his bare scalp and his ink and Gansey’s fingerprints smudging black-blue into his skin as a reminder that Niall Lynch is dead and Ronan is fatherless, drifting, tethered to the earth only by Gansey. 

Nothing else matters. 

(In another world, where Gansey was less selfish, perhaps it might be different; in another world, he might be able to swallow down his terrible obsession with Gansey’s everything to have his own life. 

In another life, Ronan is freer but no happier for it.) 

“Ronan,” Gansey murmurs quietly, always quietly— whether he’s balls-deep inside of Ronan or holding Ronan’s leash or setting him loose on some ruffians, Gansey always speaks so gently to his most faithful dog. 

(Gansey speaks softly to everyone; he carries a big stick named money.) 

***

adam

His parents die in a tragic accident when he’s fourteen years old. 

He stands in front of their graves with dry eyes and a bruised cheek, and then uses their life insurance checks to prepay four years’ room, board, and tuition at Aglionby Academy. 

The money goes quick, after the burials and the school expenses, but Adam sees it as an investment. 

So too is making friends with G and Lynch, at first only because he can see the writing on the wall and he knows they are his best chance for connections both above- and below-board. 

Letting G put a Rolex on his wrist and the keys to a Range Rover in his pocket is just another investment. Where once his pride would’ve boiled over into rage, all Adam can feel is numbness. Is ambition, choking him. If the way to the top is through sacrificing his dignity, then so be it, except G doesn’t want his dignity. 

G wants him to sit up late into the night and look pretty and talk to him for hours about Glendower, wants him to stretch out naked and speak of Welsh legends and ley lines with Ronan’s mouth stretched around his cock. 

He could love Ronan, if it weren’t for the fact that Gansey outshined the morning goddamn sun. If it weren’t for the way Gansey must be loved, whole-heartedly, in order for his hunger to be sated. Gansey would allow them this, and call it a kindness, call it taking care of his boys. 

Gansey would not allow them to take all his generosity and spit in his face for it, though. 

It was alright— Adam could love Gansey, and fuck Ronan, and drive his Rover, and do whatever else Gansey asked of him. 

It was a political alliance. He didn’t need to get everything he wanted to be satisfied. 

***

noah 

Noah is dead; Noah is tied to Gansey. 

Noah could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. 

Noah watches Gansey, so different from Barry had been, but no less magnetic. No less the king of everything, everywhere, everyone. 

(Sometimes, he thinks he picked wrong; sometimes, he thinks he should’ve died quiet and let Gansey die, too, his young body pricked and tortured and stung.) 

Sometimes the only way he feels alive is by pressing against Gansey when he’s on fire with it, when he’s wrapped around Ronan as he bloodies his knuckles on the faces of whoever for whatever, when he’s kissing Blue for Gansey at Gansey’s behest, when he’s watching Adam clean blood off a switchblade with the steady hands of a practiced killer. 

Fuck. Fuck. 

***

blue 

Raven Boys are useless except for when they’re not. 

There are too many bills and too few clients; more than once, Blue patches up Orla after a particularly nasty one, one who was more interested in the sideline services than the actual fortune telling. It pays better, the fucking does— but it’s riskier, legally and physically and mentally. Riskier in every way, except for how much quicker they can make rent, can pay hospital bills and grocery bills and car insurance. 

They tighten their belts, all of them, and sometimes Blue can’t remember the last time she ate anything but yogurt, but it’s still not enough.

Gansey leaves her a two hundred dollar tip the first time she serves him at Nino’s, and Blue goes home and vomits because she’s so furious, so angry, so humiliated that he took pity on her to do it. She wants to throw the money back in his goddamn face, but she can’t, because she needs it. They need it, and every dollar keeps them afloat. 

Gansey thinks he can buy everyone and everything. 

Or, he doesn’t think about it like that- instead, he thinks he’s being generous. Being kind. Thinks that any girl in the world would find it romantic, or something, to be taken care of. 

Gansey wants too much; he wants too much from the world, and from Ronan, from Adam, from her. He doesn’t understand that there are so many things he can’t buy; he doesn’t understand that while part of her adores every inch of him, the very pitted core of her is curdled sour by humiliation and resentment. 

If the world was fair, or just, it wouldn’t be like this. 

The world is neither fair, nor just. Blue sits at Gansey’s left hand because he wills it so, because he doesn’t give her a fucking choice, because he’s paying the house payment and for her youngest cousin’s braces, because he doesn’t trust anyone enough to see if they’d stay without the added bonus of Gansey’s cash and his cock. 

She watches Gansey fuck Ronan, because Gansey wants her to. Gansey wants them to surround him, to press against him, to remind him that he’s alive and not alone. 

Gansey wants so much, and Blue hates herself for forgetting, sometimes, why that should even be called a bad thing. 

“Jane,” he will say, inside of Ronan, and draw her down until she’s touching Ronan, too, Adam down Ronan’s throat and her hands on his back, his ribs, tracing featherlight over his tattoo. She does it because it drives Gansey wild, but also because it’s comforting to feel Ronan’s feverhot skin beneath her hands and know that at least she wasn’t him. At least she didn’t need Gansey like this. 

(Oh, and what a spectacular lie that is.) 

***

Ronan is Gansey’s dog. Adam is Gansey’s right hand. Blue is Gansey’s girl. 

They are all his. 

[where2next]

How to Save Up Money for Travel

One of the biggest obstacles keeping people from traveling to their dream destinations is not having enough money. You can learn plenty of tips to significantly lower the costs, but the reality is that travel is still not a cheap endeavor.  Getting your finances in order is the only solution to reaching that goal of traveling every year. There are some concrete principles which need to be followed in order to put you on the path to your ultimate travel goals. The good news here is that these principles are not specific to only your travel budget but they can be used for every aspect of your life. You will have to put in the work, but you will be reaping the benefits of it for years to come, complete with being able to call yourself a world traveler!

Get started in financial literacy

For any area of life in which you want to make improvements, learning the important information is key.  Here you will find many of the core principles of budgeting and personal finance, but do not stop there. I fully encourage you to explore the wealth of knowledge freely available in blogs, podcasts, and videos. For our purposes, we highlight some of the basic actions to be taken so that you can start saving money for the purposes of travel.

Pay off high interest debt

The very first thing every person should do no matter what their travel goals are is to assess their debt. If you are buried in debt, your priority should not be traveling anyway until you are free from that burden. A good rule of thumb is to make a plan to pay off any debt above 5% interest. If you have any extra money at all after your expenses it should be put towards this debt. Mathematically, you should try to pay off the highest interest debt first because that will save you the most money. However, we are humans and it can be very unmotivating to try to pay off that debt if it is a large number. The most important thing is getting the debt paid off, not necessarily the order, so a popular tool people use is called the snowball method. With this method, you will pay the smallest balance first. For instance if you have $20,000 in student loans, a $2,000 personal loan and $1,000 in credit card debt, you would pay off the credit cards first. Once that debt is paid, whatever you were paying towards it gets added towards the next smallest debt, in this case the personal loan. You repeat that process until you are out of debt. Getting these small wins initially and seeing some results gives you motivation and will make it more likely that you will stick with it until you finally achieve freedom from debt.

Make a personal budget

It is true that “what gets measured gets fixed.”  To find the weak points in your spending habits, you need to first figure out what you are spending your money on. This can be done very easily these days with free budgeting apps like Mint or with more in depth paid software like YNAB. However, if you want to go fully customized, you can just plug your numbers into a spreadsheet on Excel or Google Sheets. Simply take all of the money you earn in a month and subtract all the money you spend in that month and see what is left over. If you have a negative number at the bottom, you have a problem. Budgeting is not glamorous work, but understanding your own habits can be very powerful and honestly quite surprising. When I started budgeting one thing I believed about myself is that I didn’t eat out very often; hardly at all. Well, after 6 months of tracking all of my expenses, I realized that what I usually spent eating out was roughly double what I had initially estimated. I just had a short memory. Once you have your budget you should get a clear picture of where you may be able to cut some expenses and you can choose what is most important to you. One example that always seems to come up in personal finance is getting rid of your morning coffee run to save money. That can be beneficial if you are motivated to do it but what if you really love that morning coffee? The point is your budget will help you prioritize which areas of your spending are more important to you. To continue with my own example, once I saw what I was spending on eating out I still wasn’t really motivated to change anything AT FIRST. However, things took a drastic turn once I started putting savings into my budget for travel. Afterwards when I would think about stopping to get some Chipotle I would ask myself, “Would I rather get Chipotle right now, or would I rather eat at home and go to Peru this year?” Sometimes I would still get the Chipotle but overwhelmingly I started choosing my travel goals and spent almost nothing on eating out. Putting my goals in the budget made them very real and motivating for me.

 Make a budget for your trip

Now that you have your monthly budget, you have to figure out what your savings goal will be in order to take your trip. This takes a lot of planning, but it can be a very rewarding process. Not only will you know how much money you need to reach your goal and how long that should take, but you will get to experience the trip twice: once while in the planning phase, and then again when you actually go there. Discovering the famous attractions and lesser known areas of a new destination can be very exciting and can help you keep your focus on why you are doing this. Find out what things you most want to do and then search for the deals around them for lodging and transportation. Add up all of those costs plus a little more for unforeseen expenses and you will have a number to set your goal. After that, it is just a matter of discipline and patience until you have saved enough and you can be on your trip!

Have an accountability partner

Anything that requires discipline and willpower is an easier process when you don’t have to do it alone. Have a friend or family member keep you accountable for sticking to your budget. If you plan to travel with friends, you can keep each other accountable and with this shared goal, it is much easier to stick to it until the end. Make sure you check in with each other at least once a week and you must be honest with each other. This is the only way you will learn and grow from mistakes made.

Ways to cut spending

One of the quickest ways to realize your financial goals is to cut any unnecessary spending. Once you start doing this, you will naturally start to prioritize what things are more important to you and what things you truly do not miss. Here are some common ways to cut spending:

Eating Out - Eating out can be an expensive hobby. It is also easy to fall into both from a social standpoint (all of your friends are going out) and from an energy standpoint (I don’t feel like cooking today). The thing is, this is simply not a necessity. Not only is cooking at home healthier for you, but it is going to save you a lot of money and helps you learn a valuable skill. If you are very busy and can’t cook all the time, buying ready-to-go meals at the grocery store is still cheaper than eating out.

Alcohol - This is another category that is not a necessity. Cutting out alcohol can also increase your health as well as your savings. Some people may want to cut it completely for the savings but even if you don’t want to cut it completely, budget to buy some alcohol for home. Don’t go to a bar where you will be paying for expensive drinks.

Coffee - Many people love their coffee. Still, if you want to save, consider making coffee at home rather than going to Starbucks or your local coffee shop. You will be spending pennies on the dollar.

Going to the movies - Going to the movies can be exciting, but more and more technology is letting us have just as good of an experience at home. Not to mention movie theater concessions have a ridiculously high mark up. Opt to make popcorn at home and enjoy a movie in the comfort of your own living room.

Going shopping - Most of us in the U.S. have more clothes than we need. In fact, many people have clothing hanging in their closets that has never been worn. Unless you absolutely need something like a new dress or new pants for a job interview, stop shopping retail.

Negotiating utilities and phone bills - Most people either don’t know or get complacent, but you can negotiate your bills! You should regularly be on the lookout for sales and promotions from your phone company, internet and tv providers, insurance providers, and more. Another good tactic is to switch providers of these services every so often because they will usually give some sort of discount to new customers. This is a great way to lower those bills that you pay every single month.

Ways to increase income and savings

Though this one can be harder to execute, it can also be the most effective. The easiest way to be able to save more money is simply by having more money in the first place. This is obviously much easier said than done but there are a few ways in which you can grow your dollars:

Ask for a raise - One of the quickest ways to get more money is to simply ask for it. Now this must be preceded by good work on your part, but many people could get at least a small pay bump just by asking for it. There are many helpful resources online on how to properly and effectively ask for a raise. If you get one, all of that money that you didn’t have before could be put toward your travel savings.

Avoid lifestyle inflation - Anytime that people do get a raise or get some unexpected income, they tend to adjust their habits to that new income level. However, if you are able to live just fine at your current income, then anything that you make on top of that should be put towards your savings. Do not succumb to lifestyle inflation just because it is easy. You know you can live on less. Do it and reap the benefits of more travel!

Start a side hustle - If you cannot get a raise or have already gotten one but still need more income, you can start something of your own to make money. If you enjoy woodworking, you can make furniture and knick knacks to sell. If you enjoy photography you can advertise to do pictures for people. If you don’t have a very flexible schedule but you have a car, drive Uber when you can. If you work hourly, see where you might be able to pick up an extra shift or two. There is technically no limit to what you can make into a side hustle. It is simply something that you do apart from your primary job that people will pay you for.

Save your tax return for your travel - When it comes time for you to receive your tax returns, plan to put it towards your next trip. If you have a good budget, your tax return isn’t needed in order to live anyway. Depending on the size of your tax return, that right there could fully fund your next adventure!

Open a high yield savings account - A quick and easy way to help your nest egg grow just a little faster is to put it in a high yield savings account. Most banks offer savings accounts that give less than a tenth of a percentage in interest. However, there are several online savings accounts like Ally Bank and CIT Bank that offer much higher interest rates up to 2%. This by no means will make you rich, but it is a good way to have the value of your money keep up with inflation.

Bottom Line

There are always ways to save up for the travel that you want to do. Once you understand how much your trip will cost, how much money you make each month, and how much money you spend each month, you can figure out exactly what you can save for your travel and how long it will take you. With a combination of increasing your income and slashing your spending, you will see positive results and before you know it, you will be on an airplane to your dream destination. Get out there and explore!

[amanbythelake2]

Okay, let’s set the scene. You’re a single parent with a child. You work full time for $14. You bring home roughly $800 per paycheck. Your bills: $1000 rent, $150 electrical, $250 car payment, $150 car insurance. So let’s do the math. You bring home about $1600 a month and your bills average about $1550, give or take. You’re making it, but barely. (This doesn't even include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc; nor does it include child tax credit or child support)

Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a power bill for $600. How do you pay that? To put it simply, you don’t. Because you can’t. So your power gets shut off. But you know what your lease says? It says you get evicted if your utilities are terminated. So now you’re in court, crying to a judge who doesn’t care, and you have 10 days to get out.

Well, you’re in luck! Because you found somewhere with 3 days to spare and it’s only $650 a month! But to get in, you have to pass a background & credit check. Which you can’t, because you just got evicted. You’ve never been a criminal, but even if you could pass it, you’re looking at $1300 to move in, after paying the deposit and first month’s rent.

Time’s up! Landlord shows up at 7am with the police and changed your locks. So now you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son and everything you need to get by. You tried to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address so they won’t sell one to you, so you could only take what would fit in your backseat. You pay to shower at local truck stops and eat whatever can be cooked in a gas station microwave. Someone sees you and your son living like this and calls CPS; guess what happens next. They remove your child from your care. As if this isn’t devastating enough, you lose your job too, because “an employee losing their child reflects poorly on this company.”

So now, you apply for an apartment with the region, where the waiting list is 3-7 years. Then you go into WalMart to put in an application. When you get back to your car, you see that your back window has been smashed and someone helped themselves to your belongings. Remember that it is December, and really cold, and now you have damage to your only shelter. You call your car insurance, who says your deductible is $1,000 AND they’re going to increase your monthly rate since you’re now “high risk.” You call the homeless shelter as a last resort.....and all their beds are full.

I’ll stop here, because I think you get the point. The people we work with everyday are these people. WE ARE THESE PEOPLE. We are all so close to homelessness and don’t even realize it. All it takes is one unexpected bill, one fender bender, one lay-off, one house fire, etc.

Instead of talking trash about people who are poor or homeless or need assistance, why don’t you try being thankful that you’re not in their shoes... yet.

This is about staying humble and being kind. BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ❤

[pipercheris]

Protected

My son is turning 16 this year. As with many parents, this is a year of excitement, but also dread. Thinking of my son on the road is something I have put off for, well, all his life. I consider his lack of attention to my directions, the way he bumps into people and runs over feet with a grocery cart, and shudder to think how this will transfer to his driving a car. Not to mention other people on the road…

He doesn’t really have a great family history of drivers either. I remember my years of teaching myself to drive through trial and error. From the age of 17 to 22, I had a total of 6 accidents, not including a little fender bender in a parking lot that both parties agreed to forget about. So, as you can expect, I really have not looked forward to this time in his life. But then, I remember one very important moment in my life that actually changes my feelings on this situation.

I earned my driver’s permit at the usual age of 15, but I did not get my driver’s license until I was 17. My father leased a little Saturn coup, hunter green, for me to drive. I worked at a big chain retailer as a cashier to pay the car payment and insurance. It took nearly my entire paycheck. I had just enough to pay my dad $100 rent, my phone bill, and occasionally some clothes for school.

Prior to getting my license, my uncle would bring the car to pick me up from work and let me drive home. He was quite brave to do this, particularly since he had just gotten out of the hospital with a heart attack.

One Saturday afternoon, he came to pick me up from work. I pulled out of the parking lot to stop at the intersection. Now, to better understand these events, I need to help you picture the layout. This retailer was on the main highway in my town, but you could pull out the side of the parking lot to get to a traffic light in order to get on to the highway. The intersection was like a “T”, in that you could only turn left or right. Now that we have an understanding of the layout, I will get back to the chain of events.

I pull up to the traffic light. I was first in line, but traffic quickly lined up behind me. As I said, this was a Saturday afternoon, a busy shopping day.

As the light signaled for me to go, I put my foot, rather heavier than I intended, on the gas. I quickly realized my mistake as I was fast approaching the utility pole in front of me. I picked up my foot, intending to step on the break, only to slam my foot down on the gas again.

In this moment, my life did NOT flash before my eyes. Instead, everything around me seemed to slow down and come into focus more clearly than ever. I looked into the rearview mirror and saw the cars around me. Their reactions were to slow down, many aiming as if to get out of my way, assuming, I presume, I was headed for that utility pole and possibly going to ricochet back into them. I also saw my uncle beside me, face white, and arms stretched out toward the dashboard. My response to all these events were to take my hands off the wheel, thinking I had already done enough damage.

Then, the most memorable moment of my life happened.

I immediately felt this sense of calm come over me. I saw this… this… I don’t even know how to describe it other than to say it was white; but white doesn’t even quite explain the presence I saw. This presence shifted in front of me, though I could still see everything around me. It took the wheel and turned it. I watched as the wheel turned and the car turned left and perfectly glided into the proper lane. I have never driven that straight in my life to this day!!

Then the presence dissolved, and I returned my hands to the wheel. I had this unnatural calm that I felt like in my mind I should be panicking but I felt that I had no reason to panic because I had been taken care of. During this time, my uncle began to express his fear by reminding me he had just gotten out of the hospital. “DO YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER HEART ATTACK?!”

I realized then he had not seen what I had or he would not have been so worried. I could not even react to his question. I was still looking around trying to understand how we had gotten out of that situation.

I have often been asked in my life how I can be so sure there is something bigger than us, whether it be God, Allah, or whatever. There have been many instances in my life, both before this event and since, where I have felt protected. This particular instance, I saw with my own eyes. I still can not tell what it was, but it is enough to know that there is something.

So, because of this, I will not worry about my son behind the wheel. Well, that’s not exactly true. I mean, I am a mom after all. It is kind of in my job description to worry. But I will not stress so much about it.

[anyu-blue]

~

I'm just venting here cuz I don't have anyone to really vent to right now.

I know I'm being 'too much' and 'over the top' again... I know I'm throwing a hissy fit I don't need to, and I recognize I'm hurting at least one person with it.

But God damn I'm pissed and I guess I want to be pissed.

There's so much I want to do and so much I feel obligated to do and more... A lot of what I want to do... I just don't have the energy for. I wanted to make all these custom cards for my family since I should be able to ship stuff out this week... But I pulled Everything out and found... I just really didn't want to put that effort in..I mean I REALLY do... But just... Everything was turning out terrible. I'm honestly shocked I managed the 14 for my ex's family for Christmas... I want to do it... But at the same time I don't.

Cuz what's the point? All that effort.. all that care.. when I could just buy them a stupid card instead. So I'll go buy them a card... Because my eldest and younger sister decided to head to the grocery store without me and now I have to steal the car right when I'm off work to do my own necessary shopping anyway (or risk not being able to go at all this week). All because they were nearly out of toilet paper and Tevie wanted to get me cash for her car insurance bill...

Now I wouldn't be so mad except... They didn't even ask if I had extra toilet paper in my bathroom, which I do. AND I told Tevie that she didn't have to worry- I have enough to cover the insurance for her car.

But no. She just HAD to go today so I could have the money by tomorrow when it pulls!!! Um... Tomorrow (technically today, now) is SUNDAY. How the FUCK am I supposed to deposit the $ into my account like she wants when it's a freaking Sunday?! Or or at all when uh.. she has the car until like... 7pm every day anyway?!

Uuuugh... I already told her too, I'm not depositing Anything unless I absolutely need to either. Which I don't cuz I just got paid. AND I told her her insurance will be a part of what she pays me (if she does) for all her other bills!! If I got it I got it. What part of that is so hard to understand?

Apparently all of it...

Or none of it, but it doesn't matter because she doesn't pay attention to stuff like that anyway. Literally just does whatever she wants.. and you know what? I know that's absolutely fine. Sure it inconveniences me because, well, I needed to go to the store too (and told her as such), and had nothing for dinner while they fed themselves again (didn't even ask me AND used a service I have/can get free stuff with if they use my account like I've asked EVERY SINGLE TIME we've EVER used it!!!). (Why did I EVER cook and feed them so much? I was 100% right in that they have no interest in doing the same. They BARELY cook for themselves!! And you can probably already guess what I'm going to say about it... It's all JUNK!!! Cheeto mac and cheese, ramen, air fried chicken and fries, microwaved meals- you should see our pantry right now. Almost entirely instant meals and it makes me want to vomit. What's not instant is the stuff I picked out/ingredients that have just sat since I stopped cooking.. you should see our FRIDGE right now!! Not a vegetable or fruit in sight!! It's all warm fruit cups for Tevie and idek what W0lfie eats to get her vitamins and nutrients- cuz the vitamins I bought haven't been touched except for by me, Though I told them it would be a good idea of they took some each week too.. I'd wager she doesn't!! And that's partly why she's so gd MISERABLE all the time!! She doesn't take care of herself!!)

But in reality it's whatever. Technically Tevie did nothing wrong. She's just living her life how she wants to live it. Who cares about wasting more gas? Apparently not Tevie even though she told me she did... Apparently that's out the window. Who cares about my needs? Apparently not Tevie Though I've been fighting with our property managers and walking her through every gd adulting problem she has (I'm even supposed to help her with her taxes AGAIN cuz she can't do it) and taking care of the house and all the paperwork and all the phonecalls and everything... So it's not like I've been looking out for her and our little sister at all 🙄 or thinking of them and trying to make THEIR lives easier or nothing.

They don't owe me anything obviously... Not even the requests I made of them to do particular adulting tasks on their own (like put in a simple maintenance request, or cover up the open window downstairs, or even buy the materials so I could take care of that stupid problem better than I already have with the shit we had on hand).... It's up to them if they want to follow through. And they don't. Like ever. Because it'll just be done by me because I actually DO care about how much our power bill is.. Tevie sait she does and then pulls that shit. W0lfie says she does and then pulls the shit like letting her room get ULTRA cold- which guess what happens when she opens her door for the day? You guessed it. The temp of the house goes down and the heat/furnace churns and chugs to make up for it.

I'm so FUCKING DONE.. but guess what? I CAN'T be. I'm not even supposed to be pissed about this stuff!! I'm the bad guy!! Because I'm mad!! Because I can't just let it go or deal with it quietly. Or not be a bother.

GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF BEING/GOING QUIETLY

I HAVE BEEN QUIET AND CALM AND SWEET AND WORKED MY ASS OFF IN THE WAYS I CAN FOR SO FUCKING LONG

I AM THE REASON THEY HAVE THE SHIT THEY DO!! THE ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS, TEVIE'S CAR, LOWER BILLS (not just because I pay my part, but because I literally put in all the work to make sure stuff is taken care of and that I don't use excess/as much as I want or need sometimes), PAID BILLS (EVERYTHING comes out of my account. I've asked Tevie to do it. Several times. To set it up or to even just pay it once or twice... Has she ever? No. Not even when I showed her how and offered to write it all down for the future- and still she comes back at me like 'well you put them in your name' like, bitch... The water bill HAD to be in my name because at the time they only set it up in person!! Doesn't mean you can't pay it!! All the information is RIGHT THERE!!! You have my permission!!! In fact I've ASKED you to!! And the internet- we switched it to my name so it would lower AND give us a better speed!! And autopay gives us a discount anyway- Something YOU approved of!! And GUESS WHAT? The power ISN'T in my name!! It's in yours!!! Why on EARTH do you still expect me to pay it every single time?! It's not even on autopay!!! And the car insurance.. well SORRY if you have a wreck on your record that would make the premium double or triple what it is now!!! I did that for you!! I even called and asked and compared and did EVERYTHING FOR YOU YOU WOULDN'T/COULDN'T!!! And the cellphones are in my name because years ago when we GOT the plan you didn't have a credit score which was REQUIRED... Guess who did?! ME!! So guess who did all that and set up autopay so we wouldn't get charged $20 more a month?! It's not like we COULDN'T change these things, YOU just DON'T want to deal with it OR you want those discounts and agreed to it in the first place- so your 'well they're all you're responsibility Because they're in your name' is BULLSHIT), EXTRA MONEY EVERY MONTH, EVEN TEVIE'S BANK ACCOUNT, EVERY DOCTOR/DENTIST/SPECIALIST SHE HAS EVER SEEN AFTER OUR MOTHER WAS KICKED TO THE CURB... Even W0lfie is not exempt... Because what I don't do for her, she goes to her mom to take care of. And she's told me things and I've had to ask why she hasn't taken care of it. Well. She either doesn't know how (and in some instances refused to learn cuz it happens again), or was just going to suffer through it because she assumed that was what was right (without asking anyone or even GOOGLING the information)... Gods... Half my 'knowledge' comes from google and checking at least two or three sights and sources before I act... I feel like I'm the only one in my house who has that skill despite the top-notch cellphones and computers and shit laying around everywhere. Despite my little sister literally building her computer... Can't adult life at ALL...

And I just... I just...

I'm so mad and upset.

I want to have the carefree lives they have some days... But then I realize someone wild have to be doing all the shit I do for them for me... And then I get depressed Because literally no one would or will. Even Lon didn't... He took care of his bills sure... But everything else? Well.. unless I asked him to step up, he never would.. and he to never would more than the day I asked. Another red flag I shouldn't have let slide...

No matter how sick I get. No matter how crazy I go... It's still all up to me. I don't have people I can go to to ask to do these things and know they will... I have tos er Everything up and do all the work or it never happens. Especially not more than once.

I hate nagging... And I'm just the bad guy if I try anyway.

Idk what the point even is anymore. I hate my life.

I want so badly to love it and be happy to be around... But I just want to disappear and see what happens when that happens. Would they step up? I mean they'd HAVE to and then I'd be the bad guy again... But ugh...

None of this is easy. None of this is easy especially when all alone.

Few people reach out to me... The ones that do are just as overburdened as I am and can barely talk too because they're so busy... But we try...

I appreciate every one of them/you and I feel awful I'm so drained I can barely say thank you or reply.

I know what it's like... I do... Maybe I don't 100% know the specifics of the reasons behind what you're feeling, but I can feel it with you.

I'm trying. I'm angry. I'm tired... But I'm trying my best.

[kayincolwyn]

Whatever It Means To Be Human (Easter reflection, 4/12/2020)

As many others throughout the world have been pointing out over these last couple months, these are strange times that we're living in.

Back in December around Christmas I started getting sick, and in January I had to go to the ER for some kind of infection that was giving me a sore throat as well as a fever and headache, got a look over and a prescription for a week long course of penicillin which seemed to knock out the infection (and later got hit with a 1200 bill for that ER visit, because my insurance didn’t cover it, that I still need to pay back, which I was livid about when I first found out about it but now am trying to accept as best I can because I have bigger things to worry about). A couple weeks later I had a followup checkup (with a very sweet and very pretty nurse, so no complaints there) and I remember staff at the clinic being pretty jumpy about some virus over in China (now widely known around the world as the coronavirus, or Covid 19) that I honestly hadn't heard about before then, and they were asking me if I had traveled to China or had any interaction with anyone from there, and of course I said no, and I remember being kind of annoyed by their jumpiness at the time. Well, needless to say, now I can see why they were being so jumpy.

I've had some kind of bug or another off and on since then, like a lot of people do in the wintertime, but because of, well, 'everything that's going on' (a phrase I've been using and I've heard a lot of people using lately, like it's become some kind of collective cultural meme) I find myself worrying much more than usual about a little cough or stuffy nose or feeling a little under the weather. At first, like a lot of people, I thought this was no big deal, that it would be another of those diseases that infected a few people but would be quickly contained, and then when that didn't happen I thought, like a lot of younger folks, that I would be fine and just needed to worry about older folks that I care about, but now I know that I could potentially be taken out by this virus too, and even at the ripe old age of 37, so now I worry about myself as well as others, and I admit that, while I’m trying to be brave, part of me is scared.

Even with that worry and anxiety, and with the whole world changing so drastically in just a matter of weeks, I'm still working (with the realization that janitorial work has more value than perhaps I initially thought or felt) and still busing it to and from work and going to the grocery store as needed, while usually wearing my newly acquired neoprene half mask (with inserted filters provided by a friend) like armor, and while washing my bloody hands more than at any other time in my life, and while trying to boost my immunity as best I can with vitamins and supplements of various kinds. Strange times indeed.

I admit it's kind of odd to be considered an 'essential worker', to hear some even hailing people in my position as 'heroes on the frontline' or something like that, when for years I've felt that being a janitor was equal to being at the bottom of the totem pole, and over the years I have on occasion been made to feel less than by others because of my place on the totem pole (though to be fair I've also received my share of gratitude and kindness from others concerning my work as well, which I'm thankful for and appreciate). I mean, I don't really see myself as particularly heroic (I see doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers who are directly risking their lives in order to save others as far more heroic than myself, for example), but just as a guy trying to do his job in order to provide some service to others while also making a living, but I appreciate the validation nevertheless.

As an 'essential worker' (though even among 'essential workers' I still feel like I'm at the bottom or at least near the bottom of the totem pole), I just want to say that I feel that we all have a part to play in this world, that we all have something that we can contribute to the world, even if it may not seem like much.

Like I have seen some people online ragging on celebrities for trying to entertain others from the safety and comfort of their homes (with many of them being out of work at the moment for obvious reasons) but I would say that trying to entertain or encourage others in whatever way you can, even from a distance, can be meaningful and has its place, because we could all use a little entertainment and encouragement sometimes. I mean, for example, people out there can rag on Gal Gadot for trying to sing Imagine with a bunch of other celebrities who may or may not have any musical talent or ability in some online video, but even as cheesy and cringe-inducing as that may be, I still loved her as Wonder Woman (and through that role she has inspired many people, including many young women and girls) and I appreciate her desire, as well as the desire of everyone in that video, to uplift others in some way. Heck, even just trying to stay home as much as possible, trying to keep your distance from others, trying to be mindful of others, as she and many other celebrities as well as everyday people have been and are doing, in this time can be meaningful and shouldn't be completely discounted.

And to me it's not about being 'essential' or not, or 'heroic' or not, it's just about being human, and doing what you can to be a decent human in whatever way you can.

Of course being human is hard, as every human, no matter who they are or where they are, gets their share of suffering and sorrow in some way or another or at some time or another in their lives (though to be fair some certainly do seem to get a bigger share than others, and some comparatively less), and being a decent human is even harder, as it's often a challenge to do some good or do the right thing with all your faults and flaws and with all your limitations and shortcomings, and then going above and beyond that and being someone that most others would think of as a 'saint', well, that seems nigh impossible.

And what does it mean to be human anyway?

I guess that brings me to something that's been on my mind, and is on my mind more now what with it being Easter and having Jesus on the brain a little more than usual (hey, you can take the boy out of the Christianity but you can't take the Christianity out of the boy).

In times like this where the world is shaken up and we're in a semi-apocalyptic state of mind, where our mortality not just individually but collectively is more in question than usual, the question of what it means to be human looms large for many of us, along with those often asked questions about where we come from, why we're here, where we're going... you know, the usual fare.

Lately I've been reading some books by former evangelical Christians, including Unfollowed by Megan Phelps-Roper, granddaughter of Fred Phelps, founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, as well as books by Frank Schaeffer, son of Francis Schaeffer, an influential evangelical thinker and theologian.

Being a former evangelical Christian myself who is trying to find his way after questioning and deconstructing and for the most part walking away from that way of seeing and operating in the world, I can resonate with much of what they have to say and share, like the pain and loneliness there is in walking away from a community that you can no longer agree with to try and find your own path, or how with freedom to think for yourself comes an uncertainty that you have to get used to because now it's on you to decide what you will believe and where you will stand rather than just following what others have taught you or told you, or the mixed feelings about who you were and where you were when it wasn't all bad and it's part of who you are today and even while you don't want to, and really can't, go back, you're still grateful for it somehow.

And in their books they both wrestle with what it means to be human, what it means to be a good person, with the value of life and the value of love, because those questions and concerns still matter to them whether God or some higher power exists or not, just as they still matter to me on some level.

I've also been thinking a bit about Fred Rogers, better known to the world as Mister Rogers, the widely beloved children's TV host, after watching the recent film which stars Tom Hanks as Rogers, A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, as well as the documentary Won't You Be My Neighbor?, and listening to a podcast about him called Finding Fred.

My late friend Erin McCarty was a big fan of Fred Rogers (I even sent her this Mister Rogers t-shirt that I found at a thrift store which she wore proudly in some of her photos on Facebook) whom she saw as a real saint, and she was far from being alone in thinking of him as one. Fred Rogers was one of those people who seemed to go above and beyond just being a decent human, as he was by all accounts a highly exceptional human, who, while having his share of quirks and eccentricities, more than most dedicated his life every waking hour to pursuing the good and showing love to others (and most especially children, whom he could be thought to be the patron saint of if he were canonized as a saint I should think) and even in such a way that no one with a sound mind and clear conscience could find any fault in him.

Those closest to him knew that he at times struggled with feeling inadequate, with feeling as though he wasn't really making a difference in the world, like what he was doing wasn't enough, but even so he continued to move forward, continued to try, an artist whose art-form was kindness and empathy (or as that podcast Finding Fred put it ‘a genius at empathy’).

I remember I was talking with a friend of mine about Fred Rogers the other day and he said that he thought if there was anyone who could perhaps have been the second coming of Christ it was Rogers, and while some might think that sentiment a little sacrilegious, I think it's a testament to the respect many people have for the man's character. People may on occasion playfully mock Mister Rogers for some of his mannerisms, for the way he talked or dressed or otherwise expressed himself (though of course much of that was for the sake of the children he was communicating with), but if you were to ask anyone with any sense at all they would admit that he was, if nothing else, a good man.

I guess the same could be said of Jesus, whose teachings about life and love Fred Rogers, being a Presbyterian minister who took his faith seriously (even if he was kind enough and wise enough not to push it on others as many religious folks tend to do unfortunately), sought to follow and apply to his own life as best he could. Many have parodied Jesus in one way or another over the years (in fact the next book I'll be reading just in time for Easter is Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which I look forward to reading as it sounds like fun) but most would agree that he was, if nothing else, a good man. Even the beloved comedy group Monty Python, most of whom were agnostic or atheist, after studying the gospels in preparation for what would eventually become their classic comedy Life Of Brian, decided against making a film where they mocked Jesus but instead made a film that mocked the church that often failed to follow his example. Instead of focusing on Jesus in the film they decided to focus on a guy named Brian who was mistaken for Jesus, following him on all of his adventures (or misadventures), while occasionally showing the real Jesus respectfully somewhere in the background (much as was done in the film Ben Hur). They said their reason for doing this was that they couldn't help but appreciate much of what Jesus said and did in the gospels, or as they said in their decidedly British way 'you can't take the piss out of it'.

As Frank Schaeffer points out in his book Why I Am An Atheist Who Believes In God (which I thought was a pretty clever title, and one I can kind of resonate with as I’m somewhere in the middle like that myself), some things that Jesus says and does in the gospels, or at least is recorded as saying and doing, don't really make sense or seem inconsistent with the general thread of kindness and empathy that can be seen in Christ's teachings, and having read the gospels at least a couple of times myself (or at least a couple of their English translations anyway, where no doubt much gets lost in translation), I would agree. He wonders if maybe some things were taken out or added in, if the writers sometimes spun some things to bolster their own point of view (which humans tend to do unfortunately), or if some things were simply a result of 'the telephone game' as it were (with most of the gospels probably being written decades after the events that they chronicle took place so that's not really out of the realm of possibility), and he may be right (as much as many Christians out there, especially the more fundamentalist among them, who may believe that scripture is infallible and inerrant, would hate to admit it).

But whatever the case may be, there is still enough of that thread of kindness and empathy in Jesus' story and message that countless people have been inspired by it through the centuries since he was said to have lived and died (and at least according to the Easter story, risen from the dead), including people like Fred Rogers, and also including people like Megan Phelps-Roper and Frank Schaeffer or myself, who even though they no longer identify as Christian still see some value in Jesus’ example and teachings, or at least as they now interpret them.

Many still seek to follow that example and apply those teachings today, including in these very strange, and very difficult, times, trying to walk a path of kindness and empathy when the world seems to be falling apart. I can't really say for sure how much I'm doing that myself, walking that path, with all of my faults and flaws and limitations and shortcomings, but I would like to think or hope that I manage to do a little good each day and get things right at least on occasion.

The truth is though that many of us, including me, feel as though we don't measure up to the standard that someone like Jesus sets (or at least appears to set when you read about the kind of life he led), or even to the standard of someone like Fred Rogers. It just seems nigh impossible to meet that kind of standard. I mean I can't really speak for everyone who struggles with this, but I know that I have often struggled with wondering if I'm good enough, have debated whether I'm making a difference in the world, and have had doubts about whether I am even a decent human, let alone a saint. I feel like I fail or fall short in some way or another every day, feel like I don't care enough, don’t give enough, don't live big enough or love deep enough. Maybe some of my family and friends who see more in me than I see in myself might argue with me on this, but it's still how I feel sometimes, or even much of the time, and is a daily internal struggle for me.

But hearing about Fred Rogers, who some half jokingly (but also half seriously) would call the closest thing to a second coming of Christ that they can think of, having similar struggles gives me some perspective and comfort though, and it makes me wonder if even Jesus himself had such struggles, even if they may not have be written about, even if they were only written in his own heart, as blasphemous as the thought of someone whom many claim and believe to have been the Son of God, or even God in human form, actually struggling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt may be, but blasphemous or not that thought gives me a strange kind of comfort.

I remember in reading the gospels one of the parts of Jesus' story that resonated most with me was him wrestling in prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was arrested. Just imagining him being scared and uncertain and agonizing in the dirt and just being, well, more human like me, because I've been there too, is somehow encouraging, because if that's God, or a representative of God, or even just a very good man, maybe it's okay for me to be scared and uncertain and to agonize in the dirt too, because maybe I'm not alone in that.

One of the things that Fred Rogers is famous for saying is 'I like you just the way you are'. In the podcast Finding Fred, the podcast host, who greatly admires Fred Rogers, sometimes expressed struggling with that idea, being a black man who has experienced a lot of racism, and also being someone who has been mistreated in a lot of ways by others throughout his life, he wondered how he could like someone just as they were when, well, there was so much wrong with some people out there. One of his guests on the show, another admirer of Fred Rogers, suggested that what Rogers meant by 'I like you just the way you are' wasn't that everyone was perfect in every way, nor that everyone's words or actions or choices should be condoned, let alone praised, or that people didn't need to learn or grow in different ways, but rather that underneath all the dirt and the muck of our imperfection, our imperfect words and actions and choices, and no matter how deeply buried, there is something of value, something of worth, some spark of the divine in us, which can never be completely destroyed, and no matter how much others, or even we ourselves, may try to.

Of course, much like the host of the podcast, many of us struggle with seeing that that is true of those whom many of us would call 'monsters', the murderers and abusers and tyrants of this world, the worst of the worst if you will, but then it appears that Rogers was able to look at people even like that and see something of value and worth in them, seeing something of beauty beneath all of the ugliness, or at least the potential for it anyway.

I think of another man that many could think of as a saint, named Daryl Davis, who is a black man that has made it his mission to try to befriend members of hate groups, including members of the KKK, not in a concerted effort to convert them to his way of seeing things necessarily but simply to give them something to think about through their just knowing him. He has helped many to walk away from the KKK and other such groups simply by extending the hand of friendship to them, and he challenges others to try to break down divides by seeing the humanity in others, including those who are different from us, or even those who hurt us or frighten us.

I also think of Fred Phelps, who was the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, and who has become an icon of religious hate to many, and what his granddaughter Megan wrote about him in her memoir Unfollowed, how even though to most people he was a terrible human being, even a monster, to her he was her 'Gramps', whom she loved dearly even if looking back she knows that he got a lot of things wrong, and she spoke of how towards the end of his life when he was falling into dementia that he softened considerably, and even to the point that his own church effectively excommunicated him and abandoned him in a retirement home, where Megan and her younger sister Grace, who had recently left the church (and at great personal sacrifice to themselves), snuck in without permission from their family to see him one last time, and Megan says he was mostly lucid at that time, and instead of reproaching them for having left the church he only expressed his love for them in the end. It seems that at the end of his life Fred Phelps didn't cling to his dogma and hate so much as his relationships and love, which is encouraging.

Fred Rogers (the other Fred if you will), whom Fred Phelps himself often mocked as 'a wuss and an enabler of wusses' among other things, even going so far as to protest at his funeral, would have been proud I think that Phelps had come so far at the end, and I am sure he would have said to him 'I like you just the way you are' and I think the humanity buried even in someone like Phelps was what Rogers was pointing to by saying that to everyone he encountered.

Frank Schaeffer spoke of his mother, Edith Schaeffer, in his book Sex, Mom, and God, in much the same way, even going so far as to say that even being straitjacketed by the limitations of her religion and its dogma she was a force of nature and he could see her humanity shine through throughout her life, especially towards the end when, as Fred Phelps did, she softened, and said that ultimately she was better than her beliefs, or that something in her, her humanity, rose above that.

And maybe that humanity, or that divine spark, or whatever you want to call it, was also what Jesus was pointing to and trying to call out, and whether that be in the everyman on the street, or in the seemingly irreparably damaged people that you may find in prisons (or even sometimes in governments) or even among the religious who can get so mired in their ideology and self-righteousness as to forget that spark within them or in others.

It may seem nigh impossible, if not flatly impossible, to live up the standard of what many of us think of as saviors or saints, but I think of a scene in A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood where Roger's wife Joanne says that 'Rodg' (as she affectionately called him) wouldn't want people to think of him as a saint, as he believed that anyone and everyone could walk the path that he walked, or at least tried to walk, and in their own special way.

I also think of how Jesus said to his disciples that they would do even greater things than him, which when you think of the kind of example that someone like Jesus set, namely one where you are willing to die for what you believe in and stand for, that seems like a pretty tall order, but it makes me wonder if, as controversial as this may be and contrary to popular and widespread religious opinion that has been built up around him for centuries, maybe Jesus wouldn't want us to think of him as a savior anymore than Fred Rogers would want us to think of him as a saint, because maybe instead of putting them up on pedestals we're meant to try and follow their example as best we can.

I remember one of the guests in the Finding Fred podcast saying that maybe instead of just looking back on Rogers and his example with admiration and nostalgia, we could also try to be like Fred Rogers ourselves, much as those who seek to follow the way of Jesus (which Rogers himself was trying to follow) instead of just looking back can try to be like him as much as they are able, and in their own special way.

With it being Easter today as I post this, I honestly don't know whether or not Jesus rose from the dead, heck I am not even one hundred percent sure if he even existed (as there are those who argue that he didn't, even if most historians would agree that he did, though most of them think that most of what was written about him was just fanciful legend that was built up around him, which may or may not be the case, because none of us can really know for sure on that since we weren't there, and unless we invent time travel or something it will continue to be a matter of faith, and faith alone), but then I am willing to keep something of an open mind about it, and even with where I am now I can still understand why many look to Jesus as a symbol of hope and the love of God, and why people see something meaningful in the story of his life, death, and resurrection because even if it may not be literally true (and again on that front it is a matter of faith), that doesn’t mean it isn’t mythically true. Whatever the case, I believe that his example and message of kindness and empathy lives on (even if one has to dig through a number of inconsistencies and mistranslations to find it), much as Fred Rogers’ similar example and message lives on.

And I guess this brings me back to 'everything that's going on', and the question of what it means to be human.

One of the things that a lot of people have been saying through this crisis that all of us in the world are facing is that 'we're all in this together' and I think it's safe to say that there's nothing quite like a pandemic to remind us of how much we value our relationships when we are having to keep our distance from others, including those we love, for our good and theirs, and when we are fearing for not only our own health and our own life but also for the health and lives of others.

I recently watched the film Contagion, which came out about ten years ago, and many are seeing it as eerily prophetic as much of the film parallels what is happening now, but one of the underlying messages of that film, as one of my favorite Youtubers, Like Stories Of Old, pointed out, is how much our relationships matter, how much those connections that can so easily be taken for granted matter, when we are faced with existential threats such as the one we seem to be faced with now. More likely than not, as in Contagion, this pandemic, as bad as it may get, will not be the end the world, but it is certainly shaking it up and it appears it will continue to do so for awhile, and in the midst of that all we have for sure is eachother, even if we can only be there for one another mostly at a distance and in spirit.

In A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood there was a moving scene where Rogers says concerning death and how difficult it is to talk about it that 'anything that is mentionable is manageable', and I think the same applies to the situation we are in now, we can face this and face it together, because we're not alone in this mess, not alone in the dirt, even as lonely as it may feel at times.

Our situation is also a reminder (and is another theme in Contagion) of how connected we all are, especially in this globalized world that we now live in. A friend of mine here on Tumblr was telling me in a recent message how this whole situation shows how interconnected we all are, and how every choice we make can impact those around us and can have a domino effect, even having effects, whether positive or negative, that we aren't even aware of.

What he said reminds me of this passage from the classic children's book Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, which I finished reading for the first time just a couple days ago, where there is this exchange between the book's chief protagonist Milo, accompanied by his loyal companions Tock and Humbug, and the princesses Rhyme and Reason:

“It has been a long trip,” said Milo, climbing onto the couch where the princesses sat; “but we would have been here much sooner if I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I’m afraid it’s all my fault.” “You must never feel badly about making mistakes,” explained Reason quietly, “as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.” “But there’s so much to learn,” he said, with a thoughtful frown. “Yes, that’s true,” admitted Rhyme; “but it’s not just learning things that’s important. It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters.” “That’s just what I mean,” explained Milo as Tock and the exhausted bug drifted quietly off to sleep. “Many of the things I’m supposed to know seem so useless that I can’t see the purpose in learning them at all.” “You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you’re sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it’s much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.” “And remember, also,” added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, “that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.”

While I think the main themes of The Phantom Tollbooth are the value of education as well as how you see and experience the world around you, I think this passage could also be applied to how we learn how to live and love, and how you follow a path of kindness and empathy.

It's a process to be sure, and we will all make mistakes along the way, but as Reason says, we can learn more from being wrong for the right reasons than being right for the wrong ones, and trying to apply what we've learned as best we can and holding onto our reasons for doing so is just as important as what we learn. And there's a purpose to it, to living and loving as best we can, and it can impact the world around us, it can be like a ripple in a pond that spreads out in ways we can't know or even imagine, and who knows, maybe it will take us to places that we couldn't have even dreamed of...

Maybe that's something to try remember whenever we get discouraged (and I know I do plenty, as I’m sure most of us do), much like Fred Rogers did, and perhaps even Jesus did, and when wondering whether or not we have cared enough or given enough or lived enough or loved enough, that even seemingly little things can have a great impact and can actually make a real difference in the world.

In Fred Rogers' last television appearance after 9/11 he spoke of how his mother said in times of crisis that you should "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” I remember in the Finding Fred podcast they pointed out how in that message he was speaking to the children who are now grown ups themselves, the ones who had watched his program as they were growing up, and he was pointing to their own humanity, to that divine spark within them, and calling them to become those helpers themselves.

Even in that instance Rogers struggled, as he was so shaken by the enormity of the events of 9/11 that he felt that nothing he said could really help, and yet many, including myself at the time, even not being as familiar with Fred Rogers then as I am now, as I hadn't really watched his show growing up myself (I was more of a TMNT and Transformers kind of kid back in the 80s), were encouraged by what he had to say, and it made an impact, it made a difference. It helped.

And we can help too in our own way, and even if we too may feel shaken up by the events of our own time, these strange times that we're living in, we too can make an impact and a difference, we can help in some way, and however small and inconsequential what we may have to offer may feel, and whether it may feel decent or good or 'essential' or 'heroic' enough or not, we can help, and even if we may not know that we are helping.

As far as the answers to some of those big questions, like where we come from, why we're here, and where we're going, honestly I'm not sure what the answers may be, I mean I have some guesses, but I don't know with absolute certainty (and I'm having to learn to live without that anyway, even as I try to look forward with some hope and look back with some gratitude), but whatever it means to be human, I think it may have something to do with doing what you need to do even when you're worried and scared, with trying as much as you can to lift up others when they're down or maybe even when you're down, with the value of life and of love, with not being alone in the dirt, with seeing some measure of value and worth in jaded and cynical adults as much as you may see it in children, with extending the hand of friendship, and maybe even to those that are different from you, or looking for the humanity even in those that hurt and frighten you, with somehow loving those that others may only see as irredeemable monsters, with seeing the light in someone even if they are held back by things that limit and hem them in, with not insisting that others put us up on pedestals whenever we do some good or get something right but that they try to do the same themselves as best they can just as we are trying to do, with learning and growing in every way we can, with facing difficult times together, with trying to encourage and support and help one another, and even as imperfect as we may be and are. Maybe it has something to do with all of that.

I hope that we'll get through these strange times, that we'll not only survive them but that this may also push us to change some things for the better, that this will push us forward somehow, through death towards resurrection, that this will remind us of our humanity, that spark within us, and while I don't really know why we are in these strange times, or why 'everything that's going on' is going on, really I do hope that in the end it will move us a little closer to finding out, both for ourselves and for eachother, what it means to be human.