I can't believe I've never shared this story with the Internet before. It's how something some random person I don't know and have never met will live in me forever.
It was sometime in the late 90's or early aughts. I was in my early adolescence, so between 11 and 14. I used to regularly read the PennySaver cover to cover. Why? For me, it was one of the few scattered little windows into what everyday life was like for non-famous people outside of my niche world. I also was a fast and voracious reader, but never had enough to read, especially not periodicals.
If you don't know what the Pennysaver is, it was analog Craigslist: That cheaply-printed newsprint booklet that no one subscribed to arrived in everyone's mailbox once a week. Certain ad types cost money to run, plus it ran ads. It was a more family-friendly weekly than, say, your LA Weeklies or, further up the West Coast, The Strangers. Also minus the journalism, I suppose, but there were gay people in it!
Anyway, one week, I'd read something in the PennySaver that started the slow process of catalyzing a change in my life for the better. It wasn't a wanted ad for something I had that turned out to be worth a lot of money. It wasn't a job listing that started my career. It wasn't even for a garage sale that had an item that ended up being important to me.
It was a w4m personal ad. As continues to be the case, those were much rarer than m4[literally anything]. The first sentence was "Thin may be in, but fat's where it's at!"
It was the first time I'd ever seen someone call themself fat in a way that wasn't at all negative, apologetic, or angry. This lady was saying hey, I'm fat! And I think it's a selling point even if the overall culture says it isn't!
I don't recall anything else about the ad other than that it was a woman seeking a man, and that the rest of it was unremarkable. It took a lot of other things to get me to a point of real, lasting comfort with my fatness, of course. But that little quip is stuck in my head for the rest of my life.
Thank you, random lady. I hope you're still alive, kicking, and happy. I hope you found as much love and/or miles of d1ck as you wanted, whether through the ad or by other means.
5 notes
·
View notes
Chapter Nine: The Best Day —✧
Series masterlist
Chapter Warnings: cursing, pregnancy, the usual
Authors Note: a little glimpse into Juno’s relationships with others. I love her dynamics so much. Enjoy guys, don’t forget to like comment and repost!!
Chapter art by @silvell & @clownfacepancakes120
—✧
I HAD DECIDED AFTER A LONG A GRUELING DAY OF BEING PREGNANT, that I needed to spend some time with Tweek. Of all of my friends, besides maybe Butters, Tweek was the only one who was the most refreshing to hang out with. Oddly enough considering he was scared of everything, but he was the most girl like when there were no girls around to see. But of course with Tweek came Craig, because if Craig wasn’t there that would mean that Tweek was cheating on him, and being the wonderful boyfriend he is Craig begged Tweek to bring him along.
“This pretzel tastes like a frigging doughnut.” I said happily, stuffing my mouth full of the giant pretzel in my hands as the boys and I walked through the mall. We stopped at a few stores, Tweek helping me pick out new clothes for once my stomach got even bigger and my stubborn to wearing my current clothes.
“Share the love, Sweet cheeks.” Craig held out his hand, hoping I would hand him my pretzel but I pulled it away from him, flipping him off.
“No, you can't have any.”
“She's assaulting me! She's denying me fresh-baked goods. Tweek!” He shouted, flipping me off back and turning to look at Tweek with an angry look.
“Go buy your own doughnut!” I shouted at him, and Tweek sighed that he had to deal with our crap again.
“Craig, just get your own.” He argued, making Craig whine in response.
“But! But that’s not fair!” He shouted, and I laughed at him.
“I’m eating for two, this pretzel is only made for one. I can’t be risking my baby of the nutrients it deserves.” I explained, holding my stomach in defense.
“It’s not even gonna be your kid.” Craig argued back, and Tweek groaned finally tired of our bullshit.
“It doesn’t matter, she needs it more than you.” He lectured, and Craig sighed, hiding his face into Tweek’s shoulder. Tweek rolled his eyes, running his hands through Craig’s hair to comfort him as he rambled angrily, his hat now in his hands.
“So rude, I can’t even believe you right now, we’re family. I’m blood related to that baby, we share blood…”
Craig continued to whine about his damn pretzel, causing me to roll my eyes as I walked up to the edge looking down at the mall. As my eyes scanned the room, I noticed someone familiar.
“Oh, my God.” I whispered, Tweek being the only one who seemed to care.
“What?” He asked, moving closer to me which knocked Craig off his shoulder, causing the brunette to groan angrily.
“Yeah exactly, oh my god Craig, I’m sorry sorry, here eat my doughnut pretzel.” Craig mocked me, earning a light shove from Tweek.
“That's her. That's Vanessa Loring.” I said, pointing on the glass as best I could to the girl downstairs. She looked lovely, she looked like a mom. I assumed she came with her friends, because there was a girl beside her with their baby who she wouldn’t let go of. She looked just like a mom.
“Of the PennySaver Lorings?” Craig asked.
“The adoptive mom?” Tweek asked right after, and Craig shamelessly bent down, pressing his face against the glass to get a better look.
“Dude, she's, really pretty.” He said, as Tweek pulled him back up by the hair, giving him a dirty look at the fact he would smoosh his face against a dirty glass.
“You sound, like, totally shocked or something.”
“She's totally gonna steal that little kid for her collection.” Craig teased, making me nod in response.
“Right? Seriously.”
“Really?!” Tweek asked nervously, starting to shake slightly as he felt himself filled with nerves. Craig grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly as we continued our walk downstairs.
“It was a joke honey, don’t stress yourself.” He reassured him, kissing his cheek. I have to admit, Craig and Tweek may just be the one thing that makes me believe love exists. They have been together since 4th grade and besides maybe a few mishaps here and there, they still had never broken up.
“I could so go for, like, a huge cookie right now… With, like, a lamb kebab simultaneously.” I explained, my mouth seeming to water at the thought.
“God, Spermy. Must you always feed? It's, like, never-ending for you.” Craig complained. I was about to argue with him some more, before Vanessa appeared in front of me, smiling widely at my arrival.
“Juno.” She greeted me, surprised yet happy to see me.
“Hi, Vanessa.” I said back. “What brings you to the mall today?”
“I was just shopping with my girlfriends and…”
“You're gay?” Craig asked, interrupting Vanessa. She looked back at him with a confused look.
“Oh, just ignore him.” I said to her, about to start talking before Craig interrupted again.
“Cause I am.” He said, making me roll my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose angrily.
“We know Craig.” I grumbled back in response.
“No, no I’m not.”
“Darn.” He whispered, shaking his head slightly as I rolled my eyes.
“Well, how are you feeling?”
“Great. Everything's stupendous, you know? Oh, God.” I said, stopping to hold my stomach as my face scrunched up in pain. As if he knew, Craig grabbing onto my arm, letting my hold myself up on him slightly as he rubbed soothing patterns on my arm. I smiled up at him, and he smiled back softly, helping hold me up. He took a few deep breaths while looking at me, trying to get me to mimick him. I did, and soon enough took a last deep breath before steadying myself.
“What?” Vanessa asked.
“Kicking. Kicking away.” I said with a light chuckle. This had been happening a lot recently, and everytime it was like my little body couldn’t handle it. They must have Kyle’s strength because I swear they could have broken my rib by now. The first time it happened was with Butters. It scared the absolute shit out of him, he had no idea what to do and panicked and just hugged me. On all honesty it actually helped a lot, I was able to steady myself to his heart beat, and since that day Butters had talked to the rest of the boys about being “prepared” with me. It was honestly really sweet.
“Does it hurt!?” Tweek asked nervously, coming up to me on my other side, Craig still holding my arm just in case. He’d never say it out loud but he may be just as protective over me as Stan is.
“Not entirely, I mean I get used to it.” I explained, making Tweek sigh.
“Don’t worry Mrs Loring, your child is in very good hands under the care of my anxiety ridden boyfriend.” Craig explained, making Tweek slap the back of his head.
“Shut up! You’re embarrassing me!” Tweek shouted at him, about to continue yelling at Craig before Vanessa interrupted.
“Could I feel it?” She asked softly. She acted as if she was nervous. I just smiled, taking her hand and placing it on my bump.
“Are you kidding? Come on. At school everyone's just grabbing my belly all the time. It's crazy. But I'm a legend.”
“They call her the Cautionary Whale.” Craig added, having me as we both chuckled at the name.
“I can't feel anything. It's not moving for me.” She said sadly. I just frowned at her.
“You should try talking to it, supposedly they can hear you. Even though it's like 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea.”
“Hi, baby. It's me. It's Vanessa. I can't wait to meet you. Can you hear me, baby? Sweet angel?” Her face lit up with joy, and her eyes never once moved from her hand over my stomach. “I felt it. Oh, God. That was magical. Thank you. Thank you.”
—✧
“Oh, a little trip down Mexico way. And Greece and China, apparently. How many months has it been? You're getting huge.” Kenny asked, raising an eyebrow at me as I sat down beside him at lunch. After my glorious mall trip I met Kenny for lunch, at the buffet, to fuel my vicious appetite.
“Well, it's honing in on 6. You should see how weird I look naked.” I said shaking my head, making Kenny raise his eyebrows at me.
“I’m really okay, tempting offer though. I wish my fun bags would get bigger.” He whined, sighing as he began eating.
“You’re a man.” I said to him, but he just shrugged.
“So? I’m a man not a boy, which means I should totally have some fun bags.” He explained, making me shove him.
“God, trust me, you don't. I have to wear a fricking bra now… And rub all this nasty cocoa-butter stuff on myself so, like… I don't know, my skin won't explode.” I explained making Kenny nod along.
“Hot.”
“Why is everyone always staring at me?” I scoffed, glaring at the couple who walked by, glaring daggers into my shirt.
“Well, you are kind of convex, you know.” Kenny explained, surprising me he even knew that word existed.
“Who's been doing their geometry homework for once?”
“I have no choice. Beth has been grading me, like, so hard lately.” My face scrunched up in disgust.
“Do not call Mrs. Conner Beth.”
“Why?”
“Because my barf reflex is really heightened these days.”
“But Beth’s hot.”
“And you’re a horny man whore Ken, I don’t see your point.” I teased, causing Kenny to roll his eyes.
“Did you hear that Kyle is going to prom with Rebecca Cotswolds?”
I swear I could’ve chocked on my food.
“Rebecca? No way. He doesn't like Rebecca. Must be, like, a pity date or something.” I explained, remembering that Kyle did in fact not like Rebecca. Or atleast he told me he didn’t. Maybe it was just me who hated Rebecca because he asked Kyle to prom. Or maybe cause she smells like soup and I hate her stupid curly brown hair.
“I heard he asked her. And that they're going to Casa Bonita…And then prom and then Cartman’s cousins cabin. I know cause they asked me to go to. I said no, obviously, my baby’s gonna be born around then I need to prepare.” Kenny wiggled his eyebrows, leaning back in his chair, but I chose to ignore the last bit he said.
“He told me that Rebecca’s house smells like soup.” I said, making Kenny burst into laughter.
“Oh, my God, it totally does. I think their family is one of those families that buys thousands of cans of Campbell’s soups to donate the poor every year. They always give my family these cans in the mail that are half empty and all goey and old. He house is like Lipton landing. But, you know, boys have endured way worse things for nookie.” Kenny laughed at himself, and I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
“Oh, please. There is no way that they're having sex. They wouldn't even be holding hands.” I shook my head, and Kenny shrugged.
“Wouldn't be so sure. He did it with you.”
“Yeah, because Kyle trusts me, you know? And we're best friends.”
“Are you jealous? I thought you said you didn't care what he did.”
I wasn’t jealous, really I wasn’t. I just hated the idea of Kyle and Rebecca together. I wasn’t jealous, I don’t get jealous, especially not with Kyle. He hates her, he does. God why did my chest hurt.
“Not jealous. Don't care. It's just I know Kyle doesn't like Rebecca. He shouldn't toy with her emotions because she seems pretty nice.” I took a long swig of my drink, before continuing to down it, causing Kenny to look at me with widened eyes.
“I'm really convinced.”
“Prom is for wenises anyway.” I said, slamming my empty glass back on the table. “As soon as you're old enough to go, it's so not cool anymore.”
—✧
41 notes
·
View notes
Book Recommendations: Spooky Cozy Mysteries
Death of a Neighborhood Witch by Laura Levine
When her faithful feline Prozac unwittingly scares to death a parakeet belonging to the neighborhood's resident curmudgeon, Jaine finds herself knee-deep in toil and trouble. The cantankerous Hollywood has-been once played the part of Cryptessa Muldoon, television's fourth most famous monster mom. Now a bitter, paranoid old dame, Cryptessa spends her days making enemies with everyone on the street, and accidental bird killer Jaine is no exception. So when the ornery D-lister is murdered with her own Do Not Tresspass sign on Halloween night, the neighborhood fills with relief - and possible culprits.
With a killer on the loose, Jaine hardly has time to fall under the spell of her yummy new neighbor, Peter. As the prime suspect, she summons her sleuthing skills to clear her name and soon discovers that everyone has a few skeletons in their closets - and motives for murder are endless. Could it have been Cryptessa's next door neighbors, the barracuda husband and wife realtors whose landscaping Cryptessa bulldozed? Or the seemingly sweet old lady whose beloved dog was the object of Cryptessa's wrath? Or perhaps the crotchety actress was done in by her own nephew in a desperate attempt to get his hands on her money?
As the masks come off, Jaine's search for sweet justice turns up more questions than answers. And just when she thought nothing could be scarier than her run-in with a tortuous Tummy Tamer, she closes in on the killer and learns the true meaning of grave danger...
This is the 11th volume in the “Jaine Austen Mystery” series.
Candy Corn Murder by Leslie Meier
Halloween is coming to Tinker’s Cove, Maine, and local reporter Lucy Stone is covering the town’s annual Giant Pumpkin Fest for the Pennysaver. There’s the pumpkin-boat regatta, the children’s Halloween party, the pumpkin weigh-in…even a contest where home-built catapults hurl pumpkins at an old Dodge! But not everything goes quite as planned.
Lucy’s getting very annoyed that her husband Bill and his friend Evan have been working seemingly nonstop on their potentially prize-winning pumpkin catapult. But when the day of the big contest arrives, Evan is nowhere to be found…until a catapulted pumpkin busts open the trunk of the Dodge. Amid the pumpkin gore is a very deceased Evan, bashed in the head and placed in the trunk by someone long before the contest started.
Bill is on the hook for the Halloween homicide - he was the last one to see Evan - so Lucy knows she’s got some serious sleuthing to do. The crime’s trail seems to always circle back to Country Cousins, the town’s once-quaint general store that’s now become a big Internet player. Though the store’s founder, Old Sam Miller, is long gone, his son Tom and grandson Trey now run the hugely successful company. But whispered rumors say things aren’t going well, and Lucy finds that this case may have something to do with an unsolved, decades-old Miller family mystery.
This is the 22nd volume in the “Lucy Stone” series.
Haunted Hibiscus by Laura Childs
It is the week before Halloween and Theodosia Browning, proprietor of the Indigo Tea Shop, and her tea sommelier, Drayton, are ghosting through the dusk of a cool Charleston evening on their way to the old Bouchard Mansion. Known as the Gray Ghost, this dilapidated place was recently bequeathed to the Heritage Society, and tonight heralds the grand opening of their literary and historical themed haunted house. Though Timothy Neville, the patriarch of the Heritage Society, is not thrilled with the fund-raising idea, it is the perfect venue for his grandniece, Willow French, to sign copies of her new book, Carolina Crimes & Creepers.
But amid a parade of characters dressed as Edgar Allan Poe, Lady Macbeth, and the Headless Horseman, Willow's body is suddenly tossed from the third-floor tower room and left to dangle at the end of a rope. Police come screaming in and Theodosia's boyfriend, Detective Pete Riley, is sent to Willow's apartment to investigate. But minutes later, he is shot and wounded by a shadowy intruder.
Timothy begs Theodosia to investigate, and shaken by Riley's assault, she readily agrees. Now, she questions members of the Heritage Society and a man who claims the mansion is rightfully his, as well as Willow's book publisher and her fiancé, all while hosting a Sherlock Holmes tea and catering several others. But the Gray Ghost holds many secrets, as do several other key suspects, while this murder mystery plays out on the eve of Halloween.
This is the 22nd volume in the “A Tea Shop Mystery” series.
Trick or Deceit by Shelley Freydont
This October in Celebration Bay, you can’t swing a black cat without hitting a haunted house. There are three finalists in the contest for the town’s official Haunted House, and ten thousand dollars will go to the winner, with the rest of the contributions and proceeds funding a new community center. Event coordinator Liv Montgomery has invited her friend Jonathan Preston, the debonair CEO of a philanthropic organization, hoping he will award a grant to the center.
But after the Museum of Yankee Horrors wins first place, the transformed Victorian boarding house is vandalized... and among scattered mannequins of Hester Prynne, Lizzie Borden, and the Headless Horseman, a real dead body is found - one of the contest judges. Now in addition to playing host to Jon, Liv has to play detective and coordinate the clues to unmask a self-appointed judge, jury, and executioner.
This is the fourth volume in the “Celebration Bay” series.
1 note
·
View note