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#this is funny yes#but let me be annoying real quick#and by annoying i mean personal and parasocial here#i hate. touching and physical affection and what not#very much relate to charlie that way#my knee jerk reaction is to not touch people and not let people touch me#and i am not aware of how avoidant i am most of the time#and like. its worse the more i know someone#or like. the more i care for them and think about them#when i met charlie and glenn i didnt really. actively think about it cos they were seated at a table#and i was on the other side and walked around and what not#and i did not initiate touch with either of them#but charlie kept touching my shoulder RAHH.#like we are one in the same in this aspect and yet. he initiated contact with me when i was keeping distance#and he did it again the next week when he saw me at radio city#and its so fucking insanely comforting like.#just hand on shoulder grounding me#connecting. but not having to TOUCH#he like. doesnt want to be touched and i dont want to be touched and that. the shoulder thing. its good.#charlie day i deeply love you i fear#also when i met glenn again he tried to hug me and i actively backed away (which i didnt realise until i saw video of) so#i hope and think he understands... its a thing and nothing against him LMFAO
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I've found that, when interacting with others (or myself), it's useful to consider the lessons I'd want to teach a growing child.
If a child makes a mistake, I wouldn't want them to feel shame. I wouldn't yell at them, humiliate them, or in any way indicate to them that their mistake is a reflection of their worth or of who they are as a person.
Instead, I'd want them to associate the process with love and joy. If they say something that hurts someone's feelings, or otherwise ostracizes someone in some way, I'd compassionately explain to them. Ideally, they'd walk away knowing why they said / did it in the first place, how to handle similar situations in the future, and would accept the consequences (e.g. if a friend no longer wanted to hang out with them).
While the consequences may sometimes be painful, I'd do my best to instill in them that mistakes are human and natural, and that the process of learning from these mistakes is an opportunity to improve connections with others and express love.
I have a tendency towards excessive guilt. Memories in which I've said / done something ignorant or hurtful are infused with this guilt and shame- but ideally, I'd feel a sense of love and peace, and perhaps happiness, when looking back on them. Because they were moments of growth, moments I learned how to be more compassionate (even if the actual learning came years later).
So I'll put this out into the void:
When you make a mistake, that is not a reflection of you as a person. It is a moment in time, a moment which was informed by your past experiences. Humans are not static labels, or monsters in an RPG game. We are social creatures who live and learn and react and grow and experience and love. Be gentle with yourself and move forward knowing you're doing so in accordance with your values.
#parenting#internet culture#self compassion#i'd also want to teach them critical thought of course - there are varying ideas of what constitutes mistakes or ignorance or harm#and that's a messy subject which is often a challenge to teach and is beyond the scope of this post but it's important#to avoid being subject to manipulation or becoming reactionary#but anyways#to clarify something in the tags here: it's okay of course to feel bad. that's a normal response. but it's not necessary. and a culture of#shaming people for their mistakes isn't helpful in the same ways it isn't helpful to do that to a child. people become defensive and/or#self-hating. divisive and reactionary and more easily manipulated. fearful and ashamed and avoidant. afraid of disagreements or of trying#anything new. increased all-or-nothing thinking and blowing things out of proportion. it just doesn't help in the long run#sometimes when someone says something i want to express hatred and mockery towards; i think of my trans friend who's full of light and love#and compassion. who came from a smaller more conservative community and used to have some of those same stances (and may still hold some of#those feelings/anxieties). and i remember that i can be firm on my boundaries and spread love and acceptance and safety *without* spewing#vitriol at anyone who makes even a minor mistake. i want people who were impacted by oppression and bias to have space to grow and#find safe communities and be able to think for themselves. i dont want to push them away or be another person in their life screaming at#them. there's always a person behind the screen.#like that doesnt mean i have to interact with them. in fact in most cases it's better to step away. and there are still unsafe people out#there- but yelling at them won't do any good either. saw a tip to focus on the people you want to help rather than the opposition#and that's been super helpful for me
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grey really fucked me up beyond belief i am SO insecure about relationships at this point
#i already had a disordered attachment style#like it was already there#he just made it worse somehow#like reinforced my fear of abandonment/vulnerability/relationships as a whole#like wow i really have been avoiding meaningful human connection all this time#and its obvious that my like#self confidence or whatever is mostly a front#i kind of only really know how to do either extreme#either intense self loathing or annoying arrogance#with grey it was always the former. maybe im compensating for all that time i spent hating myself#i mean i guess it kind of works#like genuinely being annoyingly self confident actually does kind of make you like yourself more#so thats something right#i dont know though i don't know if i even have the capacity to commit to other people#i'm scared is the thing. i gave every piece of me away before and got left with practically breadcrumbs of the person i used to be#i miss how carefree and easy it was for me to give my love away#my fear is that i will be so caught up in protecting myself that i can't give back to someone who loves me#i want to be loved and i want to be able to love but it feels like the part of me that knew how to love is long gone#loving someone used to feel good. now it just feels like a million blades in my chassis
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can people leave me alone. AT LEAST on my days off
#im exhausted shit deep lacking sleep#and ppl do NOT give a fuck and think i owe it to them to socialize. i dont want to!!!i dont!!!#my brother keeps calling me to meet up my cousin keeps calling me ALL week even tho i said im busy#my nephew has his bday party today all of a sudden instead of last week so i cant not go#my parents want to have a family outing tomorrow and work has been bugging me since morning#i want to McDie honestly#work is hell enough i dont want to look at another person this weekend but instead i need to drain energy on this shit too#bc people are selfish and can NOT understand 'i cant im tired' as a reason to say no#and think im avoiding them instead :) i hate everything i do#ive been ignoring messages bc my inboxes are all flooded i get phone calls constantly i want to disappear for a week. just a week please#vent tw#delete later
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps
#transmission#what i mean is i love acknowleging nuance and intricacies but i hate when i cant neatly compartmentalise myself#i want to know WHY im xyz! a distinct reason! and etc#i was thinking deeply the past few days on why i suddenly got so mad bc i do Not usually talk that way publicly#bc i dont want to be hypocritical in that. i purposefully usually speak in a way where i make myself overly clear and#try to avoid making people feel ashamed in any way. because i KNOW how it feels right#but digging further i think its like. its a rage inducing cycle of mockery in the infinite fandom. the normies make fun of the weirdos#and the weirdos make fun of the normies because hey fuck you too. and ppl who enjoy infinite casually arent inherently wrong#but when they fill the tags with complsints and criticisms on a source material they havent delved into much#it irritates a lot of the people who HAVE because while an opinion is fine critiquing something seriously does mean understanding it#on a bit deeper of a level i think?#and thats what always got me personally#but we just have this system of you suck youre wrong and i think its also because infinite has taken so much shit that#we are VERY protective and defensive. like yeah if people spend years ripping into the thing that you like that happens#idk in just pondering. the ponderer...#i like to analyse not just fiction but how ppls brains work in general and irl stuff#mostly personal dissection bc im obsessive about myself. not in a fun way but more an endless interrogation and rumination way#the disorder fr#not wanting to hurt ppl and make them feel judged bc you know what its like vs carthasis of dunking on ppl who dunk on you#thats what i think it is for me#one of the reasons i wasnt posting for a long time was caring too much abt other people so if im getting the itch again#im gonna keep an eye on it#anyway
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i really love these games a lot but this fandom is so stressful to me
#i dont know if its. i dont know#this is the most stressful and exhausting fandom ive ever been in. i think its partially because its one of the biggest fandoms ive been in#partially because im like. how do i explain this#i generally get attached like this to things that i think are in one way or another majorly flawed. the sort of 'i never said it was good i#said i liked it' thing. and so there while i still worry about characterization i feel so nervous posting anything or even making anything#because i hold these games to such a high standard i guess. and people can be BRUTAL about things they dont like which i think is part of#the big fandom thing. theres just so much ive thought about making but know i probably never will because i Know its probably reading#something wrong or making a connection i shouldnt and its stupid and everyone else is going to think im stupid for it. i never want to anno#people i dont want to be the person that people are avoiding i just hate this feeling. i literally feel like tearing my skin off sometimes#when i post or go into tags because i know that im probably doing this wrong. i dont know#i dont want to let go of these games at all. i love them i love talking about them i love seeing what other people make of them i just feel#like. i dont know.
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#hate avpd man i hate that ill never be able.to be close to people the way they would want me to#exgf literally left me also because i went through a phase of not really wanting to be touched and needing alone time bc of said avpd#like how could i ever have a relationship when i need to have my own room even in a relationship sometimes...or spend time separate#and its on and off bc sometimes i will b up someones ass but then 2 days later i need to not really talk much and be totally alone 4 a week#like idk ! i am not ! a lovable person !#back and forth from hypersexual to nearly asexual sometimes. clingy to wanting to b alone. needing my own bed and stuff#half the time I'm not even good at cuddling without getting overstimulated#qpp and i basically codependents but i dont even know if either of us have the ability to have a closer relationship than that w a partner#we r only 20s but i feel like we have practically given up#add weird spiritual beliefs i have on top of that like how could someone love me when im insane and delusional and avoidant and whatever#cant believe exgf got annoyed when i would just wanna play ovw alone or something instead of sitting in bed watching her watch yt videos#like idk i need space sometimes too im just frustrated rn omfg#like am i destined to only being ok at ldr ... but even then i dont text well when j want to be Alon#kill me omfg....... this is ridiculous
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i'm glad i decided to try out a ketosis diet again (aka changing my metabolism to basically only use ketone bodies made from fatty acids for energy by reducing carb intake to max 20g/day) for a few weeks because it was a neat experiment but i'm also glad I decided to stop because now i get to enjoy life's greatest fucking simplest yet finest delicacy: mashed potatoes/sweet potatoes with melted butter and salt. i cannot understand how i could live without that. just. vegetables. keto has opened my eyes to new ways to cook foods and experiment with ingredients but i don't think i can live without carbs. i doubt that the majority of people could. also have you any idea how much good simple near-zero effort food there is out there like holy gosh darn in heaven. i don't have to spend hours cooking something to have a nice meal
#food mention#diets#actually anything carb with butter and salt. how can it be so good. call me a lazy goob but i once just microwaved corn and butter#added salt. and it was the most delicious fuckin thing ive ever eaten#i've done low-carb in the past and tried keto a few times and always it felt so great after the keto flu disappeared after a few days#but this time the keto flu did not go away. i felt so weak and awful but at the same time i had less brain fog. and never felt hungry.#but it was werid. i think it might have been because i've been kinda high carb for the last few years and the change was so strong & sudden#also electrolyte imbalances can happen on keto if you're not careful. it's complex.#anyway it got me to eat a bit healthier like (almost) completely avoiding processed foods and unnaturally high sugary stuff#which i just want to generally avoid for personal health reasons which is a whole can of worms but i just dont want to overindulge#sure i can eat an entire bag of candies or chips in an evening if i feel like it but I *feel* my body just being like “nooo” and sure enoug#the next morning i do feel a little bit extra like shit#and another thing: i think i benefit from abrupt diet changes now and then. it feels natural in a way. ye olde scavenger hunter genetics#ya know. our nomadic ancestors would probably have to do that a lot when things weren't year-round available#sometimes only meat for months on end in cold seasons/areas#sometimes basically only plants and nuts roots and seeds and stuff#it's actually remarkable how human metabolism can adapt so much depending on what's available to eat#sometimes fasting for days when food was just nowhere to be found.#i'm not saying “stress your metabolic system it's good for you'” (it probably isnt) just idk. mixing it up a bit at least works for me#btw disclaimer i HATE the whole thing about diet-pressuring and some people claiming that certain diets will solve everything#it doesn't solve all health problems magically. ”"”superfoods“”“ are not a 100% faultless scientifically proven thing.#shit like ''the paleo diet is the number one key to optimal health without medications!!'' no. shut.#on the other hand i do believe diets can help a bit like a nudge. it's just one factor out of many that affects how we feel#ANYWAY conclusion: eat what you want. do what feels right for you. find your own ways to make the food you eat help your health a bit#or don't! be yourself! love yourself!#the chosen method is gonna be different for everybody#but from now on im gonna try and eat as close to natural unprocessed foods as I can in this day and age. it feels right for me somehow.#i think *my* preferred method/diet whatever is to mainly eat natural unprocessed foods and to mix it up a bit now and then with change#for that sweet ''METABOLIC ADAPTATION'' perk that feels good for me#(why did this post become so long. nobody cares. anyway i don't care if nobody cares. i care. *I* care!!! wooopp)
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Bro no joke, forgetting that not everyone hates capitalism and then having to try have a reasonable conversation with someone about buying things... *eye twitch*
#to explain we will have person A - person B and then me#so person B is asking me if its ok to buy stuff from ebay - because i am a person that tries to avoid buying from amazon etc#and im like yeah should be because its independent sellers mostly - to be fair though yall. i barely buy anything online because i hate#online shopping. i try to buy things in person instead#anyways insert person A whos like 👁👄👁 oH aRe YoU oNe Of ThOse PeOpLE ThAt DoESNt pUrCHasE frOm AmAzON#yall im sighing just thinking about this conversation omfg its so stupid#anyways queue me explaining that yeah. i try to avoid it if i can because i dont like my money going to some motherfucker who doesnt need#the money (person B pipes in that jeff bezos is on the way to becoming a trillionaire which is Not Good 🙃 . thank you B now i will go on)#A then goes on to explain all the benefits to amazon “what if you want something the next day” i ask if theres really anything you truly#need right away like that. we used to live in times where you would have to wait or find it in a shop. A says “oh but its so cool and#convenient“ and i say sure. because they have the money and grew their business of being more 'convenient' than other businesses#A says “oh but the customer service is so good. if i want a return theyll do it straight away with no questions and maybe even give me#credit too“ and im like yeah. because they can afford to do that. ”sometimes independent sellers are in there too“ ok so buy from them then#If You Must but i can guarantee you mostly dont. not to mentuon theyre probably only on there in the first place because amazon has made it#so its one of the most popular places to use instead of anywhere else#and it went on. i just stopped talking eventually because it eas one of those situations where the other person was not fucking listening to#the point i was trying to make. which is that if you really have to. ok do it whatever. i get that its a bit impossible to avoid sometimes#im not gonna sit here and pretend when ive not been able to get something anywhere else i havent got it from there. but the point is to#actually think about WHY youre buying stuff and WHO the money is going to. because websites like amazon especially have created such a trend#of overconsumption. that you just buy stuff and then buy prime because oh its so cheap and useful and comes right the next day! and you dont#consider why any of these things are true. whos getting fucked over in the process. that you are one of the people getting fucked over!!!#lord i could go on but i shant#point is. genuinely do what you want like deep down i do not care it does not affect me and i know its not so straightforward#but people who just BLATANTLY and actively SUPPORT rich people (forgot to mention A kept talking about how the whole site was smart and that#Jeff was a genius blah blah) can you sit and realise that this whole system and that FUCKING Imbecile of a man are!!¡! a problem!!#i wish i could articulate it better but im leaving it at that#good morning yall xD#le text post
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i. i avoided watching the springy episode for a WHILE because like. the amount everyone was shitting on it was horrible. it like genuinely ruined any passion i had in ii for a while because it was nonstop. you'd think they SHOT Cabby with the reactions. and then i watch it and it's like. eye-rolly at worst. what am i missing
#speaking as someone with brain damage and major memory loss#idk? maybe i'm biased because i came in with the knowledge that they fix it up the next ep?? but i feel lost????#there IS a difference between ''well-intentioned but missed the mark and looks bad'' vs ''genuine egregious acts of ableism''#you made it sound like the second. it was the first#anyways it was a cool ep otherwise#it felt very ''mascot horror'' which was kind of funny and i had to take a deep breath and go ''yea ok. i guess'' about it#made some jokes to callie abt springy#but like it was fine#i liked the fake past players#fun play on mephone's insecurities#i literally only didn't like bot lying + cabby rolling over the file#but it just sorta reads as cabby overcorrecting so people won't hate her#re: her overcorrecting BEFORE bc she was told she scares people#which sucks a lot yea and im sure it wouldve been more delicately handled in the hands of a disabled person but like#it really couldve been a lot worse#you all made it SOUND a lot worse#i avoided the episode because i was SCARED of it being worse#i went in expecting it to be awful#i dont rly think bot was wrong for not wanting a personal vent convo written down tbh but thats the only bit they were right for imho#other than that yea it felt weird and im glad they fixed it up next ep. ezpz.#wish they did not lead my dash to be convinced they hate the disabled for several months. that was a fun time for me (disabled)#anyways#im not saying it was handled amazingly but it really couldve been way way way worse. can we simmer down now#meow.txt
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im only bearable when im drunk. its only bearable when im not sober
#how do other people do this genuinely asking#why is it so much easier to exist that way. why cant i be the person i am at parties and clubs#where is the switch in my brain. where is it#because it all feels so inpersonal. a performance. an act. and i hate it im tired#i dont want to be alone so im putting in the effort and i am genuinely making connections#but its not enough. this isnt enough to me#i left school today and i nearly cried and went doom spiraling again#and nothing BAD happened#maybe subconsciously im comparing myself too much to others. like oh this guy is way ahead of me already so ive basically lost at this point#oh im not in everyones dms in class that means they hate my guts and they think im weird#its exhausting to live this way. it is exhausting to live with a brain that is so allergic to changing. that is SO against me all the time.#nothing bad happened. why do i want to die anyway. what did i do. why is it never enough to me. why am i never enougu#i wont. get into substance abuse i promised that#but i cant lie when i say it makes me miserable that seemingly i dont even feel like a person without it#i iust dont know. i dont like being myself.#i am too tired too bitter to mean too avoidant too emotionless too uncaring#can i be anyone else. someone whos in love with the world and they dont have to try to love it#whatever#do i just have autism. or bpd. or am i actually just inexplicably broken forever in ways ill never know#is this normal. am i normal and i just cant handle it like everyone else can#or is there something that describes me. or am i forced to live feeling like this forever and just pretend its not there#i dont know which id hate more#i just want to stop feeling alone in it. i want to help myself more than anything#and not give in to self destruction. its just been really really hard lately#vent
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God i hate being the kind of autistic person who's so blunt people think they're purposefully rude. So often people want honesty and i try to sugarcoat it and make it as nice as i can yet still be honest but i seem to just not be very good at that. I accidentally cause conflict way too often because i'm bad at reading people and my sense of empathy is kinda poor too. Those conflicts do get resolved but i sometimes wonder if the people around me see me as someone who's straight up kind of mean.
#even if im expressive with my face and tone i can still be read as rude#i try to be nice and i'm generally optimistic and happy#but i still have trouble with people. sometimes allistics and sometimes other autistics#allistics might think i'm a mean weirdo and autistics might think i'm a bad autistic#i sometimes wonder if i genuinely have something else going on. what if i just deep down am a really bad person.#vent#im fine btw. i just get into conflict at times though i try to avoid it because i hate arguing and dont want to be on bad terms with people
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Ough. bites
#am i a bad person for not wanting to see naked people#i dont know#is it the sex repulsion? but then clearly i am sexualizing people and thats bad#its ! im not like trying to!#maybe its my own dysphoria. idfk#i just hate the mostly-naked women in the pornbots' pfps. i dont knowwww#i just. i dont wanna see it but i can't avoid it anymore because the bots are spamming every tag and i just wanna cry#the otter ventposts
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#nonomi's thoughts#i have a strong feeling that everyone hates me and it wont disappear#it feels like im losing my mind slowly#day after day#im scared of myself of people of everything#i dislike my brain and all my thoughts#i just wish i werent able to think#i dont want to think anymore and never again#it makes me stressful nervous anxious#i may seem as a normal person but unfortunately my brain is not normal#im tired of all these impulsive thoughts i hate them so much#i cant avoid them these thoughts are part of me they live inside me my head#i dont want to think#i dont#im scared#im panicking#damndamndamn
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#how do you move on from grievance? its almost been. 3 weeks maybe or maybe a whole month now#the thought still assassinates my head every now and then and i just get even more insecure about being someone's friend#i'm afraid to make new friends now because im so sure im going to repeat the same mistakes and everyone is going to hate me#and it hurts so much that i still see them around even if im trying my best to avoid it and its something that i really cannot stop even if#i wanted to#at this point i can totally understand if you find me boring and unsupportive to talk to like. i guess this is me now#im sorry for being tired. im sorry for not finding the energy to be nice to what you like. im sorry for being tired.#im trying my best to see them in a good light. theyve been an amazing friend to me thats a fact for certain but why is it so hard to not-#focus on that fact? why is it so easy to lean on the pain that only happened once or twice and not the many times theyve been so nice to me#now that i see it. we are incredibly different people especially in personalities and upbringing and im really surprised we even came--#-- that long to be friends. that day was the tipping point for both of us i suppose - where our differences were very clear as day#i hate. how this is still bugging me. i hate that i keep getting to misty whenever i go back to this topic. i hate feeling so sad#i'm scared to even call someone my best friend now because what if they turned their head to me one day? and it was because of me?#its hard to feel like my old self in here and i really wish i could go back#its funny. i still cant find myself to understand what they found that made them upset at me. i still dont understand#i thought it was “being human”. i dont know.#i promised myself to stop complaining about this for good but the need to vent without feeling like a burden on someone's ear compels me
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