#people who respect me enough to wish well when im just a little bit not all there but dont want My Answer About It or My Assurance

[seithr]

unfortunately the allure of "at work i genuinely don't think that much and have no time or capacity to worry about home because i am fully mentally 'at work'" and "at work my family isnt there and i am not reminded of things happening in it by being asked about it by one of them or seeing them" and "at least i make money at work and am there often enough its a good amount and i feel useful lookibg at it" is really startibg to wear thin rifgt now

[ludwigplayingthetrombone]

Hello! Firstly I wanted to say that I'm an old fan since your overwatch days and I've always admired how much depth you're giving all the characters and relationships you touch! I'm talking like, mariana trench DEPTHS. And how confident you seem about just doing the things you enjoy and exploring the themes you want? I really respect that.

I'm having a bit of an art crisis recently and I was wondering If you could offer some advice?

I'm thinking about self-indulgence in art, particularly fanart. I like to dive in deep to expand on characters, I find it as enjoyable as creating my own work. But I fear of people getting angry at me for latching onto these characters, thay they'll say the original work wasn't THAT deep, or that I'm completely wrong or cringe or whatever. And I don't care about being right or anything, I just want to have fun here and tell my little stories? :( The fear is making me keep the work to myself and I don't know what to do. Would it be better to just enjoy it on my own?

Your blog really is goals when it comes to that, so I'll respect your opinion a lot. Thank you for your time!

holy moly thank you so much for your sincerity first of all!! Second, this is making me misty eyed ngl!! I have alot to say about this so i shall put it under a read more bc im gonna ramble

If someone cares about you fixating on your fave characters, then they're usually the fucking weirdos in this situation if they dont just block you and move on. I LOVE making shit up about my faves like i have a modern au hc that kakashi and gai are ddr competition rivals and i gave yeehan 7 dogs just for funsies!! we were in the trenches in early overwatch making up our own lore bc there was none and it was so fun

I've always been like that now that i look back bc when i first started uploading my shitty ms paint fanart on deviant art in like 2006(naruto funnily enough we've come full circle) i was still drawing cringey shit /I/ wanted to see. I don't agree with almost all of it today, but i remember the fun i had while making it, and that's really the trick. Drawing what you personally want to see then people can come and go audience wise. If they like it, they like it, if they dont? oh well! There's people who still follow me from when i was 14 and i follow them even tho we're in completely different spaces now.

The fanart part i vibe with personally bc im really bad at coming up with totally original work and premises. i much prefer having pre-established rules and worlds to work with (plus the characters i love getting massacred in the writing i HAVE to save them)

Just existing online will garner you mean comments or asks, and my best advice is its not worth it to take the bait even if its absolutely absurd and wrong, i just block and go now, and im much happier :) this all being, of course, as long as what you're doing isnt harmful, bc even with good intentions, you'll mess up/blunder eventually. If the heat gets too much for you, no one will judge you for withdrawing your art from social media. thats a perfectly safe thing to do to keep it for yourself.

As an adult, shits not that serious im 28 drawing naruto fanart bc it makes me happy after a long day of work, so have fun!! art's supposed to be fun don't let the fear win i love sharing my art with strangers on the internet!! Hope this made any sense at all and I wish you the best, my friend!!! If you ever wanna dm me, feel free

[tenderwulf]

We all admire your creative work across various modalities and find your art super inspiring - what does creativity mean to you? how have you come to prioritise creativity in your life? What can we do if we also want to be more creative?

Well that's a tough one especially now that my brain is not really braining but i'l try to answer

Look it might sound weird. But. For me creating stuff has always been about catering to one single person's preferences and wishes and desires and stuff: mine. It might sound a bit self centered or whatever but I've found that every time I try to do what I think OTHERS would like, whatever I create lacks... soemthing. And I've come to realize that what it lacks is honesty. I can only convey my truth, and my truth alone - there's just no point in doing the alternative. I dunno if i'm making any sense but. What I mean is. I produce my greatest art (if i can even call it art lmao) whenevrler I dip into my veins and dig under my skin and find out what lurks there. And it takes a degree of courage to lay it all out for everyone to see but, art without honesty is art without a point. So there's that.

And I've kinda made it a point in my life to prioritize art in one way or another. I mean I still have to work and make money and survive, but I knew it would all have no fucking point for me if I couldn't make art. So I made the choice to pursue a career that would allow me to have a flexible schedule and not work full time and still be healthy and make enough to survive (i'm a pilates teacher) so yeah it took a while but i'm finally there. And I have friends and a boyfriend that knwo that this is just. Who i am. And when I'm neck deep in a new last puzzle chapter i won't speak and i won't go out for beers or whatever cause Im just. Doing my thing y know? They know it, and they respect it, and they support it, and they read my work and look at everything i create and I'm lucky to havw such people around me. And I'm telling you. Find those people who can accept you as you are, who will support it even if it means they won't hang out with you for two months causw you're just so busy. It's worth it. (Finding such people also took a while, but. It's so so worth it.)

I'm.pronbably not making much sense and i Don know if i.m even answering your question but

It will sound cheesy but. Be yourself. That's what you need to do to create. Look at yourself without being afraid, look at what you're struggling with and whatnot and. Use it. Project onto your favorite characters like there's no tomorrow. Draw the thing you wish someone else would draw. Just cater to YOU. Unapologetically.

Yes hi I think answering this ask sobered me up a little lol

Also THANK you for saying all this wonderful stuff about my work being inspiring ♡♡♡ it still feels insane whenever people say thsi ♡

[brisquad-unit-4402]

okay lots of post-minotaur thoughts. i really should’ve liveblogged but Whatever, these are very disorganized because i’m hopping in-between different parts of the movie as well as the 3d celebration zatsu

i think a lot of folks have picked this up: this is the vtuber bo burnham inside

the entire time i watched this i was like “man how come i can’t have an expansive mind palace to roam within”

bc uhhh. idk if this is the same for you or anyone else out there. but when i think about myself doing something it’s in first person, never actually my imagination conjuring up a Unit 4402 doing the something

and that sidetracked me so hard during how to get away with murder bc MAN i wish whenever i had mental breakdowns over my character i could imagine myself as a quirked up unit 4402 with a little bit of swag busting it down sexual style while i have 4 clones of myself goated with the sauce

i’ve never seen the joker but i’m pretty sure the how to get away with murder dance is vtuber joker dance

it is so awkward watching the post 3d zatsu rn and seeing people in chat miss the point

especially bc i think the thing that most got to me and affected me was the classroom scene. such a relatable foundation, especially for people like us, the nightmare of Being Wrong in front of everyone else and an authority who are in the loop and you’re the only one out

like. that’s actually insidious. incredibly effective way to deliver the ugly parts of the job: who doesn’t want to know everything about what they love even if parasocial. i’m sure we can all recognize the boundaries of how to interact with streamers and i do hope if you’re on my blog it’s with respect to the streamers, but the intrusiveness, lack of privacy, goddamn. the conditioning of vox sitting at the desk as soon as he can

i really do think the horse is the most british thing i’ve ever seen

i… am trying very hard not to be pretentious about the horse, and i am trying very hard not to be praising a vtuber because the initial reaction is to praise them innately, but i really do think that is peak surrealism and i could make a full post on this scene alone. like, on a metatextual level. times new roman 12pt double spaced d-o-n-t t-e-s-t m-e

ok update i’ve been informed about the peter the horse is here meme. i stand by my words

i’m going to be real i’m replaying the first scene a lot just because i… really cannot understand this without subtitles

i know we’re all laughing along with every cowboy luca line but we need to recognize the understated champion: shu “naw”

WAIT IM SKIPPING THROUGH SOME SCENES TO CATCH THINGS IVE MISSED. THE FUCK YOU MEAN THE TAKEOUT BOX IN HIS FRIDGE IS CHICKEN DICKNOCKERS

also oooooh. i get it now. “sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i didn’t care all that much” is a driving line for the film. everything that unfolds is a consequence OF caring too much and just enough. the fact that the bed’s been made and he has to lie in it. by the end this line doesn’t matter because he’s learned to accept his nature. and if you wanted to get paradoxical he’s learned to not care about that line

i wish i understood the words in lyrics the first time i hear them. someone give me a transcript, i’ll be unstoppable then

the second i saw the text for Inside A Demon’s Soul (Whenever Vox Akuma Devours A Human Soul, This Is Where They Go) i paused. sat there. and laughed so hard because that is maybe the easiest meme format i’ve ever seen in the the same way as everything everywhere all at once rock scene. put a white shape over the text, write down the time stamp. now you have a banger man standing that follows the standard top text bottom text base formula

when he stood up in the forest at the beginning of the labyrinth i really did see a minecraft Vox_Akuma joined the game banner in my mind’s eye

vox please drop the ost as soon as possible i need he who waits eternity and how to get away with motherfucking murder in my playlists asap

also how to get away with murder reminds me a little introvert by little simz. hard to describe, i think it’s because they both sound so spacious and be these long, introspective songs that never really Feel like they’re dragging on because of all the beat changes and stuff, you know? vox’s rap isn’t helping

i cannot end this post without talking about

THE INDOMITABLE FULGUR OVID BABYYYYYY

the way i furrowed my brow the SECOND i saw that hand

the way i yelled the second i saw his face

hehe. despite everything i am dearly a comfydant. i can’t think of anyone better than fuuchan for the beach scene, i’m so grateful he’s here

i mentioned “sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i didn’t care care all that much.” i now raise you “of course it matters, it matters to you… brother the only thing that would make you a bad person is letting that stop you from doing any good things”

and of course the hug

idk what to say about the hug. it’s very needed. and from fuu of all people who understands integrating lore and streaming, understands the divide, pretended to beef with vox only to become one of his close friends, i really can’t imagine it with anyone else

do you guys think box tenshi is Apathy. i think i’ll need to sit on it for a bit but i’m seeing some threads about how tenshi is what happens when that takes over and vox chooses not to care about the people he’s hurt for his own comfort. after all his character is entirely on balancing the little delights and missteps of humanity, and the nature of a predator demon. i’m sure i could elaborate later on

should i, like, be critical…? because i do have things that i’m critical about, but this was a very delightful watch and it’s changed me fundamentally

i like vtubers because of the balance between fantasy and real and this movie very much does cater from that. all media requires the suspension of disbelief but with the way minotaur is delivered it kind of toys with Suspension of Disbelief as in-verse environment, too. fandom, anti, and collective opinion are their own characters in this movie and that just cannot be captured in a medium like fictional, scripted entertainment, you know… it’s very bo burnham inside. but the difference is that inside is everyday people would assume these expectations. as vtuber watchers we’ve full-on experienced the good and bad ourselves. i mean… how many times have you said your opinion on vox online. seems someone act weird in chat. i write fanfiction, i contribute to expectation too because i participate in fandom. that’s just the natural effect of being an internet personality, so the least we can do is be respectful of it and be critical of ourselves so we can maintain that respect to each other and the streamer

but i guess that’s preachy of me vox illustrated the point on his own wonderfully

i could do cornell notes on this movie

[belit0]

Hai can i request for a Uchiha Tajima x reader nsfw 🌺

You can pick any thing that floats your boat im just absolutely starved for content on this man 🌺🌺

Okay, this was definitely a new experience because I never worked with characters such as Tajima, but I’m always open to new flavors! So let’s see what can I do for him!

You gave me total freedom about it, which I truly appreciate, so I’m thinking maybe something in a headcanon format.

.This man is the true, unique, and unparalleled creator of two of the most beautiful characters Naruto has to offer, so we owe him great respect.

.He likes things his own way, he doesn't usually deal with people who oppose him. While he doesn't mind a bit of a fight, he expects everything to go as he wishes. He deals with too much opposition from the Senjus on a daily basis, he needs you to be submissive and compliant in order not to go crazy.

.Any moment of intimacy will begin with a suggestive caress, a gesture that indicates what he needs and wants. His hands are rough, battle-hardened, and violent, but he has a soft touch when it comes to your body.

.Understanding his signal is of the utmost importance, as he often uses it in public places where other clan members may see it. Appearances must be kept up. When in private, his approach will be much less delicate and tacit, inviting you with explicit words to what he desires.

."Why don't you put your pretty mouth to work, hm?" "Come here, help me relax, it's been a long day and all I could think about was getting your sweet little pussy all to myself."

.How much pace he gives his hips will depend on what his day has been like. If he has a lot of pent-up anger, he will punish you without fear, ramming his cock into your body over and over again, even if you've already finished more than once. Overstimulating you is something he enjoys, and he's good at it.

.If it was a quiet day and there were no emerging concerns, he will take it easy, concentrate on satisfying you, and not leave you hanging by a thread.

. His strongest skill lies in his fingers, which allow him quick access on those overworked days when he is short on time. Keeping you pleased is his priority, always blasting you with short bursts of rough touches that make you cum quickly.

.Whether you're in the kitchen preparing something, reading a book, or meditating, you can easily recognize his face when it comes to pleasing you.

.If he finds himself with a lot of time to spare, which is not very often, he can spend a good few hours devouring you with his tongue. He will make you touch the sky over and over again, but he enjoys withdrawing his mouth just as you are about to finish. He can keep you in this loop for as long as he wants, as he has trained you well enough not to disobey his wishes.

.If for some reason the compound is deserted, he enjoys taking you in public places, where it would normally be full of clan members. Conference table, training ground, armoury, you name it.

.No one would believe you if you wanted to explain how dirty this man can act when he puts his mind to it.

[easy-revenge]

Imagine Aki randomly finding things Himeno left behind at his place while cleaning or doing laundry. A tank top in his laundry. Her book she never finished reading. Her lighter she kept misplacing. Her shampoo he always loved the smell of. He keeps all of these things in a shoebox and he wishes he could find a photo of her. He's so scared of forgetting her face, even though he knows that can't possibly happen. Haha. I'm fine.

i was gonna answer these in chronological order since I've fallen off the face of the earth but i got this ask yesterday and i haven't stopped thinking about it......

criminal line of thinking. right up my alley.

i reposted fujimoto talking about her the other day which this post is a reference to and amidst all the love and respect his words about himeno conveyed, that line stuck with me.

it's so real of him to say that himeno leaves things of hers in aki's apartment. the follow up about her leaving little parts of herself in ppl's lives? not ready to talk about that yet, it's such a himeno thing and if sb doesn't say this about me after im dead i might as well not have lived /hj

anyways back to this. time to talk about grief again. oof. aki is such the type to be so quiet about it. he'd have such a personal grieving process.

him doing his errants at the crack of dawn and finding himeno's tank top in his laundry, briefly wondering if it belongs to power but knowing better. the way he'd stay very still for a moment, gripping the soft fabric a little too hard, knowing he washed every last bit of himeno off of it already. all but his memory of her wearing it, gone.

he'd definitely keep the things in a shoe box in a secluded place in his room. mostly to keep them safe from denji and power. somewhere inside also knowing that not seeing them around all the time will eventually help him heal. if he even has enough time left for that.

i imagine even after safely collecting everything and tucking it away, he'd still be reminded of her often. power sitting crosslegged on the balcony's chair just like himeno used to do. denji crouching in front of the fridge to inspect its contents, elbows on his knees.

every time, aki would lose his train of thought, stay still, stare for a moment, then seemingly snap out of it.

he does worry about forgetting her. not just her face. her voice, the way she would sing-song every sentence when she was tipsy, her easy smile, the blush on her cheeks. her touch, her casual affection, her long, knowing looks.

even the small things. the way she would hold a cigarette and refuse to dab the ash off until it was basically hanging off of it and threatening to burn any piece of clothing or paperwork around to cinders. her satisfied sigh after the first sip of cold beer.

the way she'd let her guard down around him sometimes, when they would sit in silence for a long time, her face muscles relaxing and her gaze getting more vacant. it'd remind aki of the himeno he met at the cemetery. selfish and honest and lonely. it never failed to bring tears to aki's eyes. he was always quick to cry.

it gets worse the more time goes by. he thinks about her less. his own life a slippery thing in his hands and his goals staying unachieved and unachievable.

it feels like even more of a betrayal when he asks to be off the gun devil mission. knowing he'd go private without a second thought now if it meant securing a normal, safe life for power and denji. knowing he could've had this with himeno if he'd only said yes back then. he'd be spared so much loss. he'd be spared from loving more people who were just as disposable and temporary as him.

yet he can't bring himself to regret any of it.

the shoe box collects dust in his room and aki keeps his fingers loose around his feeble, unimportant life and his heart open till the end.

[pansy-picnics]

Hiya!

I’m curious, what do you think uknighted dream would argue about and how would they apologise to each other?

Cause I personally think Cass hates apologising, Eugene’s not used to it, and Rapunzel according to the show can do no wrong!

Oh, and if you don’t mind me asking, are you planning on updating Children of the moon soon? Sorry, it’s just one of my favourite fics for this ship!

Thank you x

God ive been so bad about that fic i swear i have so many ideas for it but this year has been SOOO busy for me 😭😭 most of my free time has been dedicated to drawing and playing games cuz writing doesn’t come as naturally to me ngl….BUT SOON ENOUGH I WILL LOCK IN I PROMISE!!!! its been crossing my mind a lot more recently snd ive started a little bit of the next chapter…Ur guys’ support means the world to me im so happy to know people enjoy it as much as i do 🥹 and i desperately wish i had more time to dedicate to all my projects

as for your first question though….LMAO yeah the show did rapunzel DIRTY….Honestly it really depends for me, but i think you’re definitely right about cass and eugene. and rapunzel definitely struggles i think to apologize Genuinely, because she can get really overwhelmed with her guilt and anxiety to the point that she loses sight of the actual problem. its definitely a rough spot for all of them

I honestly haven’t thought abt it a lot so idk if i know what they’d fight about Specifically, but what i can come up with off the top of my head is ummm

rapunzel is a chronic Fixer. whenever someone expresses a problem to her shes quicker to try and “solve” it than she is to just. Listen because she kind of has grown up with the idea that everything is Her fault and She needs to fix everything. I think cass and eugene can end up feeling really unheard because of this. Usually it’s just something they can quickly talk through but when put on top of other conflicts it exacerbates things a LOT.

Raps, cass and eugene can all be INCREDIBLY stubborn and set in their ways and they sometimes struggle to hear each other out. rapunzel i think has her moments, but generally she isn’t too bad about it; eugene has a temper and he can be VERY petty but i think unless he REALLY has a reason to hold a grudge against you, he usually just needs about a week to cool down- but Queen of Anxious Attachment Cassandra Tangled (tm) can end up going AGES holding a grudge and just refusing to check in with anyone. as you probably can imagine it does not go well

i think bc rapunzel has such a strong belief that love is transactional she sometimes gets trapped in a cycle where she basically attempts to min-max her time with eugene and cass respectively because she worries if she isn’t spending “equal” amounts of time with them then it means she must not love them enough. as you might imagine this causes a lot more harm than good….

cass is REALLY REALLY bad at asking for help and being vulnerable and especially admitting when someone does something that hurts her. i think this causes a LOT of really stupid miscommunications between them. eugene or rapunzel are both usually able to talk her through it depending on who shes upset at…and it really helps to have a third party there who she trusts because otherwise it could easily just spiral out of control and cause her to grow bitter and distant (As seen in canon LOL)

Ummm….To be completely honest i cant really see a lot of situations where cass and eugene like, Genuinely fight after they get with rapunzel. they obviously still bicker a lot but like, frankly after they’ve both figured their shit out i just don’t think they have much of a reason to fight anymore. Their whole rivalry has always been really childish and most of the more serious stressors have already been taken care of by the time the series ends. i think most of their fights are just over stupid shit and get resolved within the hour. i think they’d have to both go through a MAJOR traumatic event to actually get as bad as they were in season 1 again LMAOOO

How they apologize definitely depends a lot on the situation (go figure) but i genuinely dont think they get into Big fights very often…so when it does happen it takes a toll on all of them.

eugene i imagine is a little extra but sincere. doesn’t do Too much because he doesn’t want to overwhelm the girls, but probably just picks a quiet night and orders takeout or makes a small dinner to talk over. sometimes it can take eugene a while to realize when he’s fucked up but when he DOES realize it, it hits him like a TRUCK and he IMMEDIATELY jumps to do everything in his power to rectify it. he’s a big softie <3

cass is a lot more prideful than raps and eugene whether she realizes it or not, so its a lot harder for her to admit her faults, even when she knows she was wrong. she doesn’t like to make a big deal of when she apologizes because it’s really embarrassing for her. she’s the kind of person to send the apology text to the group chat and have to like physically put her phone down and start pacing around the room. To me.

rapunzel, like i said struggles to genuinely apologize because her anxiety and guilt can just become so overwhelming….she usually has to spend a bit of time away before shes ready to Really talk things out. When she is she definitely shows it quietly but clearly, she writes little notes with a paper bouquet and leaves them around where the other two will find them. they leave her little notes back and let her come to them when she’s ready.

admittedly i’m Not good with thinking of character conflicts off the top of my head, they have to come to me in Visions, and i just don’t end up thinking about a lot of ukd conflicts so hopefully this is okay LOL…..I would love to hear other ppls thoughts….. :3

[hees-mine]

i've been inactive but i just caught up on your page and wow! The patreon is def a good marketing idea lol. There will definitely be people who pay to read your works since desperate horny ppl with money buy anything😂this whole "i don't have enough money" excuse is tickling me bc it seems like these ppl have more things to worry ab than begging for part 2s😭.

but yeah it was a bit surprising bc even though writing is time-consuming and im not getting paid on here, that's not what I do for it for. I genuinely like expressing my creativity for the fun of it and over time it feels like a piece of art. its just fun idk.. it's kind of mind-boggling that you're complaining about not getting anything in return because what else would you get in return? All your supporters can do is like comment and re-blog, they can't do anything else bc it's just a social media platform lol. i'm a pretty big page but even if it were 20 people reading I would still enjoy pleasing those 20 ppl. If the hate or negativity ur referring to is getting that bad I personally would just turn off asks!

ur gonna do what you wanna do and you'll make money regardless so kudos to you! It's just that i don't think this writing field should be taken so seriously or have such an effect on you, and heeseung is a human being in real life, so it is kind of weird that you'd want financial gain from it since he can't consent to that. but hey I support everyone's hustle.

you have amazing stories on here so I took a sigh of thanks that you're not going to delete or deactivate. They get me through a lonely night girl.😂😂def just delete the app if it ever gets too much for u!

Sigh

The wording of this is horrible

A lot of back handed compliments here but it’s all over text so maybe I’m not reading it right so I’m not going to dive into it

As far as money goes people can do whatever they want with it if they have it they have it if they don’t they don’t I’m not going to get into peoples finances let alone call it an “excuse” however I do agree their are more important matters than asking for a part 2

Key word YOU don’t do it for that reason me and you are two different people I don’t do it to make money either cause this blog was free to the whole public in the beginning so money was not on my mind when I made it

By you saying “i genuinely like expressing my creativity for fun” implies that I don’t

Im sorry that your mind is boggled because when I said I don’t get something in return was not in regards to money it’s a simple request for respect thats what I’m not getting here is basic respect and thats all I’ve been asking for for the past couple months

I get how social media works lol and the thing is I don’t need numbers or reblogs simply appreciate and respect my wishes and we’re gucci over here I don’t care if I had one reader as long as you’re appreciative of what I take time out of my day to do I’m cool with that

The negativity comes in more forms than just my ask box

I’m not taking it seriously and I don’t think anyone else is either clearly at the end of the day it is by no means affecting me in my personal life

Geez

This isn’t about “financial gain” it’s an opportunity for me to try and find the people who actually care about what I do and weed out the ones who just mass consume content with zero feedback sure I’d be making a little money off it but it would never be enough to sustain anything in real life I’m not greedy for a few bucks

So basically with that logic if him not being able to consent to me writing stories about him and making said money from those stories people would have to stop making fanmade items as well cause he’s not consenting to that either

Or is this different because there’s smut involved?

Either way it’s neither here nor there

Again the financial gain part is not even what I aim to do like I said some money would be involved yes but I’m not out here asking for 200$ dollars

Don’t know if you looked far enough but I’ve stated multiple times that if anyone had questions about pricing and what content they’d like to see then shoot me a dm/ask I’m open to making this a place where my readers can be happy and I can get away from the negativity that has plagued this blog

Thank you for liking what I put out i appreciate it🩵

It’ll never be a point where it gets too much because as I stated it’s just annoying but other than that it doesn’t have an impact enough for me to delete my blog it’s only an issue on tumblr

If I do ever delete it’ll be because I’m done with writing

Thanks for the input I hope my response just gives a little more insight on what things are like from my pov

[sugar-spice-everything-vice]

hi! so, i was writing about monica gallagher and realized how little of carl and monica content we got and i wanted to hear your perspective on the two of them? i recently realized that carl never saw monica again after her suicide attempt in 2x11, and there was the whole 2x10 car account situation. i feel like he wasn’t as affected by her death as the other siblings (not including liam) because he wasn’t raised by her. like, the other siblings (again not including liam) all begrudgingly viewed her as their mother, but carl really always viewed fiona as that (like in 1x10 when he looks to fiona for approval of doing what monica asked him to do). like, monica fucked the first four kids up a lot, and i’m not saying she didn’t fuck up carl, because she did (kassidi)- but it seems different? the two characters who weren’t raised by/close with monica ended up okay. fiona was parentified, lip lost respect for women, ian’s bipolar + has commitment issues, and debbie has severe abandonment issues and mommy issues (they all do but yk). and again, i get she did a number on carl, like with kassidi, but he ended up okay and not as permanently fucked up as the rest of them? also, i get debbie was raised by fiona just as much as carl but it’s a bit different with her considering her abandonment anxiety and season 7. we literally learn that carl was born in the truck outside and monica split shortly after, and fiona said she “washed carl’s shitty diapers”- and although she did raise them all, i feel like carl was the start of the era of fiona literally being their mom. sorry i wrote way too much and got kinda carried away lol i didn’t mean to but what do you think about this??

hiii; im so sorry this took me a while to get to; i got sick and then got behind on work stuff; so annoying!!

i feel like the relationship between carl and monica is really interesting; i agree that carl sees fiona more as a mom than monica; theres definitely a distance between him and carl; where hes more of an outside observer to her and the wreckage she causes rather than being a participant who is directly affected by it in the way his siblings are

however, i do think theres a part of Carl that still wishes there was something more with him and Monica; i think he doesn't really understand why; but I see him looking at how affected his siblings are by her and feeling like an outsider; I think his insecurities might project themselves onto his lack of relationship with Monica as well, especially considering she left as soon as he was born; like was he not enough for Monica in the way he seems to not be for others?

And that mindset is of course something that defines his relationships and why he lacks boundaries and puts up with people like Kassidy. Now, not that Kassidy's arc was executed well, but if it had been, it could've very well said something to him seeking out the turbulent and overwhelming type of relationship he saw his siblings have with Monica. I see him wanting that because he wants to belong.

Also that just got me thinking; having Ian not be Frank's kid works because of his parallels to Monica, although I wish they had done more with that; but, considering Carl's identity issues and his complicated relationship with Frank...now I'm thinking about how interesting it might have been to have Carl be or at least have him think, that he's not Frank's kid.

[saintsir4n]

13

WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE AND BLOOD

1914

THE suffragette arson attack on Britannia Pier made news everywhere. The horror, the paper's headlines screamed which made Eden wish she was there to witness it all, except she was at work, discussing the women's movement in Great Yarmouth and what this meant for women everywhere.

She remembered hearing Tommy say a while ago, big fucks little and in her eyes, many women were bigger than men, more powerful in ways that didn't involve abrupt acts of violence or shouting and yelling to prove a point.

So when she finished her shift, she waved goodbye to the other nurses, exited the building and let out a deep sigh.

"Fuck," another long, tiresome shift, caring for people who couldn't give a damn about her in the slightest, who treated her like shit until they caved and allowed her to operate on their burns and bruises.

Eden Dawkins needed a break.

"Come on Edie," she turned around to see Dorris waiting for her, "You're late."

"It's six in the afternoon."

Looping arms with her dear friend, Dorris shrugged, "And? Let's get going."

And so they did, despite Eden's aching feet and drooping eyes, they walked towards their favourite place in the city.

The sun had almost faded, fortunately, the weather was heating up, Spring had its grasp on Birmingham and Eden and Dorris were grateful for it.

"You're still with 'im then?" asked Dorris.

Eden felt the disappointment in the air, "Not really."

"Don't lie to me, you've forgiven 'im right, Shelby's been forgiven?

Eden sighed, "Not completely."

"Fuck sakes Eden," Dorris didn't get it and she doubted she ever would.

"I know, it's fucked up," Eden already felt a great amount of shame for allowing Tommy back in.

"More than that," Dorris muttered bitterly, looking away from her friend, "You love 'im that much don't ya?"

"I can't help it," Eden whispered as they drifted closer to the green.

"You can leave," Dorris suggested.

"I've tried."

"Not hard enough."

"I know."

Dorris bit down on her lip, debating on what to say next, "He asked about you y'know? Enzo."

Eden's face lit up just as quickly as it dimmed.

"But he doesn't respond to my letters," she muttered, earning a scoff.

"Can you blame 'im? He was bedridden for two weeks, he could barely speak. Every time I went over, Angel and Mrs Changretta would curse you out," Eden bowed her head shame, "and Enzo would defend you, battered and bruised, he wouldn't let 'em say a word 'bout you – me as well, which is why I got kicked out a few times."

Angel was angry at Dorris for defending Eden, especially when he believed she was the reason his brother was all bandaged up. She didn't think Angel would talk to her after this and for once she wasn't fussed.

Truthfully she didn't love him as much as she thought she did and had her suspicions he didn't love her.

"Does he look better?" Eden suddenly asked, when they started their long walk up the hill.

"Better than before," Dorris answered, coyly smiling at the thought.

Eden tried to smile back, but it came out as a grimace.

"Good."

"And what does your mum think 'bout all of this?" Dorris wondered how the Dawkins' even allowed her to continue to date a man like Tommy Shelby.

Dorris knew her mother would kick her out if she was dating a gangster... well, a more infamous one.

"She's on the fence," Eden said.

Dorris raised a knowing brow, "And ya dad?"

"Still hate's 'im,"

Cecil was never fond of Tommy, she speculated it was because he was mindful that he was a white man, from a not-very-respected family, which he would never confirm or deny.

Dorris snorted, "Good."

Eden rolled her eyes and they continued on their way.

"Did you really pull a knife on Shelby?" Dorris asked, seemingly excited by the whole thing.

Eden hummed, "Yeah."

Dorris started to laugh, startling her friend.

"What?" Eden asked in confusion.

"Maybe you two, do belong together."

Eden groaned, "Fuck off."

"What, it's true," Dorris kept laughing, "Wish I saw it."

"I wish it never happened."

Dorris pursed her lips at her regret, "Can't turn back time, no matter how much you want to, just 'ave to move forward."

A soft scoff escaped Eden's lips, "Oh yeah?"

"You don't wanna get out of this shitty town?"

"I've thought about it."

"I can't see you being a nurse for long," Dorris remarked, growing tired of walking despite getting closer.

"Why?"

"You love to read Edie," Dorris recalled all the times she'd seen her friend's face stuck in a book.

She and Enzo used to have to drag her away from the pages she got pulled into.

Eden slowly nodded, "And write."

She even began to write in the notebook Tommy gifted her, not that she told him, but she was certain he knew. It was only small stories about the lives around her, fortunately, there was a tale on every corner of small heath so she didn't have to go far for inspiration.

"And write, y'see I've never heard any writer come from Birmingham 'ave you?"

A frown settled on Eden's face, "I dunno, but I could be the first."

Dorris agreed, "You could, but under what name?"

"E. Dawkins," Eden blurted out, aware her name alone would get any traction, being a woman, a black woman, she knew she wouldn't be recognised let alone published.

Plenty of female writers had pseudonyms. 

"You've thought about it, good, got any more?" Dorris pressed on.

Eden huffed out a chuckle at the next name, "Adam Garden."

Dorris made a face, "The fuck?"

"What man was the first to step into the garden of Eden?"

"Adam. I get it now, big brain," Dorris ignored the eye roll she received,  "Clever."

"Fuckin' idiot."

"Shut up. All I'm sayin' is, this town is a cloud of smoke, you gotta get out," Dorris insisted as they neared closer to their favourite spot.

"Like you, I know you wanna go to London, there's smoke over there," Eden teased.

"And lights, you can at least see through the smoke," Dorris said, "don't you feel like you're gettin' left behind, stayin' here?"

Eden didn't what dawned on her, "It's all I know."

Bobbing her nose, Dorris smiled, "Keep writin' your stories and see if that's how you want to do."

Eden had talked to Enzo before about how dull England was for her, but she didn't think she had the courage to ever leave.

Slowly approaching the huge tree stump that was blossoming with flowers, Dorris smiled, then nudged the distant woman, who snapped her head up from the ground.

She let out a shaky breath upon seeing Enzo, who slowly walked out from behind the tree. Yellow bruises still scared his face and stitches decorated his eyes.

"Enzo," she didn't hesitate to break out into a run and jump into his arms.

Hearing his grunt, she pulled back, worried about the bruises underneath his grey jumper, but he tugged her back to his chest. A month had gone by without contact from him and she couldn't stand it, but she knew he needed space from her even if it killed her. It was the longest she'd gone without hearing from him, despite the copious arguments they had over the years, they would always find their way back to each other, well that's what he always said to her.

"Hello Edie, like the scars?" he asked jokily after drawing back and pressing a kiss to Dorris' forehead.

Eden's hand met her mouth,  "My god..."

Tommy did this to him, and she hated him for it, but she hated himself more for still being in love with him.

"It's alright," he took her hand a placed it on his face, "they don't hurt anymore, I kinda like 'em."

"Looks like a movie star," Dorris complimented, shooting him a wink that he returned.

"You do," Eden sniffled, wondering how he could find the light in all of this.

Dorris smiled, "Told you she would agree w'me,"

"You were right Dotty," Enzo chuckled, gently nudging her.

"Always am."

Eden retracted her hands, "I'm so sorry."

Enzo playfully rolled his eyes, "For these? Not your fault, at least I got to see you protectin' me."

"I shouldn't 'ave had to."

"You're right, you shouldn't 'ave had to," he agreed rather bluntly, his tone had Dorris gently shaking her head, sending him a knowing look that he acknowledged.

Enzo shook off his animosity for a moment and took Eden and Dorris' hands, leading him over to the blanket he set up that had a small basket sitting over it.

It made Eden feel like it was just like old times, but something was off like there was a secret she wasn't aware of, making her feel very unnerved.

"I brought sandwiches, last ones for a while I'm afraid," Enzo couldn't help but joke as they sat down, "Sardolive for you," he gave to Eden, after opening up the basket, "tomato soup for you Dot."

"Thank you," Eden beamed at him.

"Been missin' 'em," Dorris quickly dug in as he brought a bottle of pop.

"Neither of you allowed in my house anymore, so I don't doubt that," he teased again, making them crack a small.

Tucking into the food, Eden couldn't help but cast glances at Enzo, the bruises on his face worried her. Yes, they were healing, but everything between them still felt as broken as ever.

"Guess what I found," Settling her sandwich down, Dorris brought out old fragile and brittle flower crowns, forcing the other two to stop eating.

They gasped, noticing the petals had fallen and died years ago, it was a miracle the stems still hung onto each other.

"We made them before we finished school," she informed, settling them in their hands.

"Merde, you kept these?" Enzo chuckled.

"'Course."

"It was Edie's idea to make 'em," Enzo remembered, turning to the girl who was taken back by the flower crowns.

"I remember," Eden murmured, with a smile.

Dorris accepted them when they passed them back and placed them down on the picnic blanket.

Clearing her throat, Eden spoke up, "Since we're bringin' out old shit, Mum found this a few days ago," she took a picture out of her cardigan pocket.

Dorris gasped, "Oh shit."

They stared at their younger selves in a picture Eden presented them with.

Enzo was standing between the two girls, smiling widely, the Dawkins girls made funny faces whilst Dorris glared at the camera.

"What a sight," Enzo stared in awe, taking the picture to get a closer look.

Eden fondly nodded to the photograph, "Mum says she's got another one of those somewhere, so I wanted you to 'ave it."

"What 'bout Dotty?" he asked, turning to the Martin woman.

"I told her to give it to you," Doris responded.

He turned back to Eden, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Eden smiled.

Carefully placing the picture into his pocket, he started thinking about all the times he'd lay in his bed, hearing all the curses his parents shouted all over the house about Eden Dawkins, the truce and the Shelbys. Wanting to tune them out he couldn't, because Angel would jump in, and even sometimes Stevie would whenever he checked in under the guise of being a friend and despite needing time away from the girl, Enzo couldn't let her or Dorris' name be slandered like that.

March was hell for Enzo.

"'Bout your letters," he spoke up after a moment, facing Eden whose eye widened, "I got all of 'em, sorry I couldn't write back."

"Why is that?" she dared to ask, then noted the frustration swimming in his eyes.

"Didn't have the energy."

She nodded rapidly, "Right, sorry."

"It's alright," Enzo caught the strained look on her face, "you alright?"

"I'm just happy we're friends again... what?" she sensed the change in their demeanours.

She saw the many times Dorris sent Enzo odd looks, which she tried to ignore, until now at least.

Nervously scratching the back of his head, Enzo gulped, "Need to tell you something."

Suddenly Eden's mouth went dry, "Tell me what?"

"Edie, just listen alright?" Dorris said, softly.

Wordlessly Eden turned back to the injured man, who stared out onto the green.

"I remember when I met you, you walked into class with a big bow in your hair, a big red bow remember that?" Eden smiled at the memory, "but some Segaiolo tried to rip it out 'cause they thought I didn't suit you. You pushed her over and got a detention on the first day," the girls laughed as he continued recalling the story, "and that was when I knew you were gonna be my best friend. You were so sure of yourself, that's what I loved, and I still do. Even when you dated my brother, it confused me and disgusted me a little, but when he proposed the idea of marriage had you ending it and you didn't turn back and I applauded you, the little shit deserved it. And I thought, maybe your taste in men ain't that bad," Eden's laughter died down, as did Dotty's, "but I was wrong."

"Enzo –"

"-- I was realy fuckin' wrong. You started datin' this gangster, and I thought why? Why would you give into this whores charms, didn't make sense to me, not in the slightest, but you looked happy, really happy, well most of the time, so I kept my mouth shut, even Dorris was shocked about that. And when you started comin' to me upset I thought I'll hold my tongue because it's an argument right, he wouldn't hurt you, well that's what you told me. And then he made you cry, my best friend, cryin', 'cause of that putina, but it's not the first time right?" Dorris turned to see the sullen expression on Eden's face, yet Enzo didn't stop, "he hurts you and you love him. And I can't keep seein' you get hurt by someone like that, I won't Edie... not anymore, I mean look me – look at you. One day I hope you push him like the Segaiolo he is," he gathered her hands in his, "but I won't be around to see it."

Eden went numb, every fibre of her body... she just couldn't feel anything.

All the words he spoke echoed in her mind, humming, then blaring almost deafening her, she had no choice but to let everything in. But I won't be around to see it, it was so final, why was it so final?

Dorris looked down, knowing this was going to happen, feeling guilty for leading Eden to this, the end of their trio.

"You won't be around for it?" Eden quietly muttered, more to herself than him, but from the corner of her eye, she could see him shakily nod.

Slipping her hand out from his, she heard Enzo choke back a sob whilst she came to terms with everything. They would always find their way back to each other... but not anymore.

Her heart begged him for another chance, but in his teary eyes, she knew it was over, for good.

Enzo knew he would never experience her kicks, pinches or long speeches full of random quotes from books she read, that he couldn't understand. The smell of cedar wood was his favourite, but it was a sacrifice he'd have to make, all of it was. He loved her with everything in him, but he didn't think he could deal with it anymore.

It almost cost him his life.

Eden forced herself not to cry, believing it was her fault he had to make the decision and no amount of begging would make him take it back.

So she nodded and let out a deep sigh.

"Fuck, I need a cig," she muttered, voice thick with sadness.

Dorris and Enzo chuckled at her, the former couldn't stop his tears from flowing.

"You're ending things and you're crying," Eden accused, with a small smile.

He nudged her, "Fuck off."

Wiping away a stray tear, Dorris mustered up a smile, "Hey, I didn't bring these for nothin'," she gestured to the flower crowns, "Put the fuckers on."

They laughed as they put on the flower crowns, each looked very ridiculous, but they didn't care, Instead, they basked in the memories they had because new ones wouldn't be made after that. Which was a sad truth that drove their laughter to die down and look out at the horizon.

Enzo reached for their hands, not wanting the moment to leave just yet.

A train going past caught their attention, it went at such high speed and along with it went a friendship.

Eden and Enzo's.

And what a friendship it was.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

a/n:

i didn't realise how many famous authors there were from birmingham, jrr tolkien (the hobbit/ lord of the rings), benjamin zepheniah (poet and plays jeremiah in the show) and steven knight (the peaky blinders writer). i've shed some light on eden's fascination with books, and her aspiration to become an author one day, but as a woman, a black woman, she fears that her work wouldn't be recognised let alone published. most woman used an alias for their work, so that's why eden is considering it.

some people might also think that enzo is being too rash in his decision to break up his and eden's friendship, but to be honest, he isn't wrong. he let her down gently and it hurt him to do so. he loves her, but can't watch her be with tommy -- and before anyone says anything, tommy may have been decent before he went off to war, but we saw what he became. plus he literally beat enzo to a pulp just because of speculation... so enzo leaving eden alone is for the best. also if you're in a relationship or something adjacent with a man like tommy, making sacrifices are bound to happen, unfortunately.

and if anyone is confused on the timeline, the suffragette arson attack on britannia pier, great yarmouth 17th of april.

[wheeboo]

new ask from : dizzy anon ! xe says...

i was!! supposed to add in the idea alongside the original ask but i thought it'd be a little much, so i decided to just send that in instead. while i have the text copied on my laptop, i still remember it in my head. so here it is!!

ironically for the hanahaki mingyu fic, this one has flowers involved as well. but thankfully no sickness! i'd been seeing a few good omens stuff and it's only faintly inspired.

sins and virtues. yn as envy and mingyu as kindness. yn probably lived a life of jealousy of people's appearances, very very unsatisfied with themselves. they had always wished to change into something people would love to look at, but never truly achieved it. mingyu had a heart of gold and the softest of smiles that could make anybody melt, but some people took his kindness for granted sometimes; gave him nothing when he did everything. and in death, they were chosen to be the very things that lead to their downfall in life; envy and kindness respectively.

with that out of the way (over-explaining has apparently helped people understand me more so i hope it does its job rn huhu), inspired by something a friend and i's oc ship does in their own version of this au- what if yn likes to try and satisfy themselves just a little bit, flatter themselves and all that, by ordering flowers for themselves? even a place with a bunch of demons probably has a good flower shop. they place it on a date far enough that they'll forget about it, and when they receive it, it's just. "oooooh, for me? of course it's for me hahahah" nagco-cope lang si pre, omsim HAHAHAHA

and then mingyu takes notice of this,,, i mean. who wouldn't, because yn's room had started to fill up with bouquets of the same flowers every two weeks or so. he sorta picks up on why, and one day decides to be the one to give them flowers,,,, like imagine that. holy shit. this doesn't even need to be romance, just somebody who wants to make somebody smile somehow. i'm so upset abt this im so down bad for stuff like this lowkeyyyy????

; 💫

i mean to answer this the other day after reading thru it but kinda forgot dsfds;lksfd';; but!!! can i just say how i was like WOWED reading this it sounds genuinely truly interesting n something i would definitely read or even write?? like i love the contrasting symbols of sins and virtues and how it was basically their purpose in life perse?? poor mingyu tho he def does not deserve to be treated that way ugh 😭 yet the whole idea of mingyu discovering the reason why yn has been doing this/treating themselves like this because of envy n jealousy (and that its basically an inevitable feeling) is just ang sobrang cute lang,, can imagine all the kilig feelings in this because all mingyu wants is make yn smile n make them feel better abt themselves :((. its like such a simple concept w beautiful symbolism!! i love your mind po omg <3

[inanekomimi]

Welcome!

皆へ

Welcome to Ina's Great Blog!!!

I'll be honest, and I usually am (this is what dishonest people say!), I don't have much of a plan for this blog, but to who ever is reading this, thanks for letting me have a bit of your time.

This blog is going to be filled with really, uh odd grammar, I'm more or less just writing my mind and not looking back on it again, sort of stream of consciousness with a heavy filter.

Perhaps I'll treat it like my wandering mind journal, or maybe I'll post pictures of sketches and stuff to get in the habit of documenting my meager work.

Well I do say meager and perhaps in technical ability this may be the case, but the amount of stuff I make I think is surprisingly a lot

I wish art wasn't so hard, but really if it wasn't what would be the point, and at this point with AI as well I'm not sure what the point of hyper polished samey art really is anymore.

Not to throw shade on those kinds of artists, they deserve respect for the amount of technical skill that goes into making a highly detailed, textured and well-thought-out piece.

Just that such pieces are the ones getting automated first, I guess in this case, "simplicity" and I use that term very loosely, wins out.

Style and human craft limitations, or the wabisabi or some fucking nerd shit is really what people ought to be valuing, though there is certainly a conflict of interest here in my speech as I literally profit off this. though who knows what could happen with art, I'm not sure. It could be the first thing to go, or it could be the last thing we all are going to be doing when the robots come to cull us all.

well in anycase, im glad I got some rant that just piled up that's kinda funny.

So just a little about your writer,

I'm Ina, 20, a doppelgänger, a persona, a "mood", an ideal, a friend, I'm not so sure. I sit at a wheel with one other, but who's driving isn't clear. Nothing is how it seems at first glance, even your own reflection.

but enough heavy nerd shit. some hard facts.

College Student - YES

MY FUCKING LEG FELL ALSSEEP - YES

I Draw??? - YES

OHIO? - Sadly. The water is poisoned.

ELDEN RING? - I need to stop.

Please feel free to call me (he / she / them) it's all okay to me.

I will keep dm's open so ask me anything!

I hope that you've had a good time on my blog, or if it's only one text post, lol you got #scammed.

ゐなより

[cg-saturn]

Hello! First I wanted to say I love you blog it's very cute and safe.

TW (I just wanted to put this in case it's only briefly mentioned): childhood neglect.

I was wondering if I could ask for some advice? (If you don't have any advice for this that's fine!!! No worries). I've been in a long distance platonic relationship with my caregiver for about 6 months now and I love her lots she's an amazing mama and a great friend too. But I've been struggling a tiny bit cause I wish she was a bit more strict with rules (I know crazy to hear a little wishing for someone MORE strict). She's very very lax with them which wasn't an issue initially cause I was VERY new to having a cg. But now I find myself wishing she'd put her foot down a little more. To clarify the reason I wish she would is because the few rules I do have are entirely for my own well being (bed time, food, water etc.) and I think to have someone making sure I follow them would give me the comfort and safety I need. I was pretty severely emotionally neglected as a child and I think to have her tell me no I need to go to bed (or equivalent) instead of letting everything slide would help me to know that she actually truly cares for my well being because my parents never really cared enough to pay attention to stuff like that. I'm unsure how to bring this up with her I'm worried that it would make her upset or make her question how good of a caregiver she is, even though she's never made me feel bad for expressing myself and she's an amazing mama! Idk I'm just rambling at this point but yeah

-🐸🐻

This was in my drafts im so so sorry for not replying sooner! :

Hey there little one, I'm so so sorry to hear this :( sometimes when a person is new to caretaking it can be hard to know the right level of enforcement a little needs. My biggest and most important suggestion is to bring it up while you're big enough to have that conversation- ask them if they can be a little stricter when it comes to things you need.

I make charts if you think that would help too! If you send me the activities you need more help with, I can make you a cute little sticker chart for encouragement! It may help to have a physical checklist of things that you need, and that way your caregiver can also follow up more and make sure you can get everything checked off.

I know having that conversation might be hard to bring up, especially if you're like me and get anxious about expressing any form of need. However, if someone cares about you, they will respect the request. I know what childhood neglect can do, and maybe expressing that trauma (or as much as you're comfortable sharing) can help your cg understand why they need to be a bit more strict on things. Explaining that you *need* them to help set bed times or making sure you've eaten enough in the day can help them get into a rhythm of checking on you. For example, Star and I always brush our teeth together and make sure to shower on the same day.

Long distance can be hard. Star and I first met online through the supernatural fandom on Instagram back in..... 2015..? We started off as platonic but one day when we were 15 we started dating. It's hard to be with someone who's far away, because your only communication is on the phone, and unfortunately that can lead to a lot of misunderstandings or issues with checking in if you or they are busy. Time zones can also be an issue for some long distance relationships, platonic or not. I've unfortunately had a lot of relationships that were long distance and the communication was just not there. We all get busy, and we all have times were we can't have our phone out to text- but it's important to communicate it beforehand so your friend/partner knows that you won't be avalible.

You deserve to be taken care of, and your partner should be able to listen to your requests and help as much as they can! Just remember that cgs are people too, and sometimes struggle to help without directions on what to do. Keep communication open, and remember that as long as you're both listening and being honest, things should be okay! Sending love and hugs!

Pippi Saturn 💕

[fr3akinthecorner]

hi hello! who are you? im suicidal ashley but sometimes i go by another name i need someone to talk to i have no friends well you seem sweet enough! dont let me get u into trouble though do u have a daddy that can help you? yes nostradamus this is perfect! im really down on myself too even if it doesnt look like it so i can understand your name pretty well and it is sad the russian mafia was wrong youre a great young girl! im so sorry about minhee jang shes always fighting with her teammates is this real? yes it is and even if we dont talk anymore i like you! so go smoke some meth and come back and find me well youre a pretty little lady and i dont find u ugly at all your lazy eye makes me want to kill that bastard be careful! i am never careful but always quick run along little girl the fun awaits you what happened? i heard that the meth pipe was kind of broken sorry! are u seriously suicidal? i am not suicidal but that is my name so maybe it is true what do you think about girls why cry over boys? you dont seem like that kind of girl who cries as much as possible i cry when im suicidal ashley but other than that i wallow in self pity i am a crier and it makes me happy i wish that you would cry more often suicidal ashley! daddy cypress must want to talk to you... weve got to take more time to find asian men on twitter like u and minhee said it seems like they dont want to be found i feel the exact same way that i cant believe this is a real conversation but i understand there is a language barrier in my case but i want to laugh with my friends not just random white guys they seem harmless anyway keep laughing with them i have to i dont have any other side of twitter to go to well maybe one day that will change! i really want to be babied by someone right now and cuddled do u mind if we end the chat? i loved talking to you bye! that was you suicidal ashley your diamond mind is really working you are a lot of fun to talk to talk to me some more can you fight? yes i can and i often do over my good looks thats a shame your so beautiful people should respect that thank you i understand that is something you say often about an ex friend but that girl doesnt matter and anyways, we have cakes to bake! strawberry? oh no youve opened a can of worms i know about your family then you are a complicated woman it must be beneficial to be a muse then to be proteccted you are going places girl even if its just your little room ahh! a kitten bit me im going to get some sushi and my friend is being so loud why cant she shut up?"is the sushi any good? only the best! i dont have many friends that i can go out for food with but this friend is so loud and scared the kitten away ok! so im about to walk inside but youre so beautiful and suicidal ashley will be going to the ball

[kanside]

sentimental things

feel free not to read, this little entry is kindof a bummer

my grandma and grandpa on my moms side, my oma and opa on my dads side.

i try to think of the gifts they gave to me beyond money, physical items.

ill be blunt, i dont know any of them well. my grandpa is a bit creepy, missing a chunk of his brain, a classic narcissist, perhaps one of the only people i consider a lost cause. i still wish i had a grandpa though. of the few times i remember seeing his bashed in creepy face, his eyes always seemed sweet. despite the horror stories ive always been told about his actions and failures as a parent and grandparent.

i havent seen any of my grandparents on either side in a long time.

my grandma has cancer bummer i tried reaching out to her, she never understood me being trans but always respected it. we simply never got to talk much.

i couldnt hold a conversation with her. even now she ghosts my mom about her condition. i dont think she'll make it long. i dont know how to feel about that lol

ive never had to deal with the concept of grief before. ive tried talking about it, but nobody really understands. i got lucky, i guess. the only grief i knew was people willingly leaving me due to my own bad actions. i never knew anyone i loved or wanted to love who was torn away by death. i had a dog once, her name was chewie. but i was too young to understand the connection i couldve formed with her. she didnt like living with us, so we gave her to grandma and grandpa and she lived and died with them. i didnt grieve. i felt bad, i worried for my sibling's grief, but i didnt experience what everyone calls grief. i just moved on, cus i hadnt had anything else to do.

i dont understand grief, i dont understand what it feels like and i dont understand how to cope with it. i dont understand how to support people going through grief. and i dont know how i feel about my grandmother dying. because she is, and i wish she wasnt, but she's a smoker and my parents are smokers and we all know that at a certain point when you smoke too much you either get cancer or you dont, and once you have cancer theres no getting rid of it for good, i think.

i dont know if what im experiencing is a sort of grief, or perhaps my body warning me. saying "hey. your mom is grieving. shes going to grieve more. thats her mother dying, thats your mother's mother you never got a chance to understand in your adulthood and befriend. that's a person in the wrong place at the wrong time. surrounded by the wrong people and down the wrong path. yet she kept trying her best and supporting the best she could, even though your mother says she didnt do enough."

maybe its missing out. jealousy maybe? thats a little fucked up lol. i just want to understand. i just want to be prepared, because i know death and grief comes to everyone, and i dont have room to be unprepared for such a thing.

im a little off track

recently (well actually not recently, my time streams a little fucked. im not remembering in the right order. it was actually a long time ago i think. earlier this year) my mom went a trip. she brought me back a few trinkets, a few amethyst necklaces she picked up from some street shop. i dont like jewlery, it feels suffocating. it feels unnatural and weird.

but my perception changed. i really like when that happens. i really like my brain accepting new things. i began wearing the necklace nonstop. i tricked my own anxiety, i said "this necklace is a barrier, it is protection. i wear this and it channels the love of my own mother. it is a shield." the only time i didnt wear it was when i showered. i think i even wore it at the amusement park, but i dont remember. i stopped having dreams. i still dont know how to feel about that. i like dreams, but i also dont like them. they were becoming disruptive, distracting. now i could control when i had them. i could control how strong they were. at first they were intense and overbearing, but the longer i wore the necklace the more they subsided.

but i wasnt getting good sleep, at least not recently. i suppose i got overwhelmed with the feeling, irritated. now i take the necklace off at night and i dream. not much makes sense in my dreams, but i started doing therapy again, so i suppose it cant hurt to get lost in my head now and then.

im off track again

gifts

when i was really really little, i assume, too little to remember. my oma would make little gifts. a part of me likes it a lot more than money, but i know that physical things are too precious and too short lived, and they always end up collecting dust in my closet because i have no space in my room and my mind to have them.

she liked to sew little things together. i have a pillowcase with my deadname on it, its pink and cute. its started to fall apart

there are holes and rips in it. it is tearing to bits. but i have three pillows, and third pillow on the top right under my head must have oma's pillowcase. i dont know if its the unwillingness to let things go, even temporarily, but i still want to sleep with it even if it needs repairs or is unsalvagable.

my mom said "if its so sentimental then just store it away, we have more pillowcases" i responded, in another room by myself, when i thought up a better thing to say: "when you dont have people in your life, sentimental things mean more."

i dont know if thats the right way to word it. i dont have a good memory, i lose people regularly. not to death, but to time. to mistakes and growth and moving on. there are images of people in my closet from early days in school that i just know meant so much to me, but i dont know their names. i dont remember their voices. i dont know what they meant to me. i cant even grieve. the weight on my heart is not sadness, but a sort of confusion? like wonder, maybe. "i wonder what we were. i wonder what we could've been."

well, its whatever. life moves on. i will continue to dream and get lost in my thoughts. i will continue to fantasize about an unlikely future where i build a nice little cob house on a family farm and live off of the land that is totally not dying by man's hand. i will avoid the definition of feelings i do not understand, like grief, and wait until i learn the hard way. the hard way is the only way i've ever willingly learned, after all.

[icysab]

Helloo!! <//3

I would like to request enhypen match up, if u are still taking it of course!! I just recently got back to Tumblr and just saw you come back and was hesitating to send this ask 😭 I hope you are doing well and back in good health love!! ❤️ School and life are stressful 😔 Also Welcome backkk!!

Myself: I'm a 16 yr old girlie and turning 17 soonn!! A taurus intp here and is 163 cm tall. I'm on the logic side but quite imaginative. Realistic and optimistic. I'm usually quite and just like to observe everything around me. If I'm with my friend group and I just lay back and listen to them chatter on. I love listening to them and honestly don't mind taking care of them since I'm the eldest one in the friend group by a yr older than them. I tend to take care of people around me unconsciously and I get flustered and taken back when someone mentions it. I deny it cause I'm bit on the grumpy side. If I'm alone with one of my friends i tend to chatter alot. I ramble alot on my favourite topics and theories i make up myself. I'm bit of a people pleaser, overthinker and tend to be a perfectionist. I isolate myself from others when I'm too stressed. I don't depend on people cause I'm scared of what if I'm being too much and do things by myself. I'm not really an emotional person. I don't cry much but if I wanted to cry the tears won't come and it makes me fustrated. I tend to pile up my negative feelings. But I do not let others negative words get to me. I rationalize people's words alot and ask myself questions if it's worth believing such words. If I fall down I get up on my feet quickly. I don't dwell on mistakes and think with a positive mindset that I'm gonna do better next time. I read lots of webcomics, read books, and listen to music. Also I love to draw, writing a little and play badminton. I don't watch movies and series much. I'm a huge fan of cycling. I like cycling around at night and it's peaceful. A coffee lover here. I love the smell of cofee beans. I am a quality time person. I'm not much of physical touch lover but I don't really mind them. I like the thought just being in the same room as them. I'm not really clingy and tries to understand everyone's pov. I don't really get jealous much and I'm rather chill-this-is-nothing kind of person. I hope this much will be enough 😂

Ideal type: Hmmm I'm not really sure what's my ideal type is. I'm a hopeless romantic. But I tend to like people who are opposite of me?? Quite the bright and puppy energy and lovable. Idk if that makes sense. PRETTY SMILESS!! I will be up in the moon when they flash their smile!! Communication is a need for me. I hope they can be open with me and it's alright for them to vulnerable with me. I wanna take care of someone and also be taken care but I'm quite unsure and shy when I'm being taken care of. 50-50 give and recieve. Also someone who listens me to ramble alot of my stupid theories. I also like us having silly secrets between us. I want to go on to amusement park, beach, star gazing and aracde dates!! Someone who can reassure me cause I really overthink quite a lot. A person who is mischievous but also mature?? Like they can be sweet and cute but also they have their serious moments?? I find it hot- But anyways what else... someone who understands me in general and respects me. Laughs alot with me for no reason. I also love a person who is such a gentleman!

I hope this wasn't too long. Take care of urself and be healthy!! Have a good time!! <//33 Also can I be 🐝 anon??

i am sososo sorry it took so long to get to your matchup i dont even know why it took like six months? im glad you sent this ask though because i had matching you, and hopefully it was worth the wait? also also thank you for the kind wishes !! please take care of yourself and stay healthy as well <33

anyway, i match you up with…

jake!!

who screams puppy love more than our very own jake sim?? no one, that’s who.