#perception is stressful I need to stop giving a fuck tho

[care666bear]

[e2019]

life was so much easier when i could run away from my problems i mean obvs i still practice escapism on the regular but it’s not enough i need a permanent solution like all those times i cried trying to decide if i had what it takes to get thru sophomore yr of undergrad… then i switched majors to avoid all those previous fears and graduated magnum cum load and with highest honors or whatever are the phrases im thinking of. the shit u get to walk across stage first for which is convenient for and my Z initial last name except my graduation was during covid online so i didnt go.

anyways moral of the sorry is now the stakes are so much higher. if i fuck up i might get kicked out or if i dont keep working my family won’t be able to afford not being homeless (not really it’s just my mom is a white karen + my brother has ocd that make him obsess over his perception of “cleanliness” = think they’re too good to live in the [worse, poorer, more predominantly black, drug infested]) cheaper old houses nearer the city center than the suburbs.

i could not ever justify giving up so hard that i leave my mom & brother all alone (which is why, if any of yall remember last summer or whenever i was blogging a lot about living with my dad, well as much as i did & do want that, the correct/responsible decision was to come back to help support my mom & brother)…

…not me tho i was about to move in with all my west side homeless buddies until they of all ppl started like trying to stage an intervention for me. aside from that i think i would feel a lot more comfortable in such an area, at least after every one gets to know me so they can stop tripping on how i look like white 14y/o who doesnt know how to navigate around a “”scary”” side of town inhabited by “”dangerous people””

seriously single best piece of advice i can give here is just flirt with all the men also most of the women have something to cry about so let them do so unapologetically & comfort them. try this it really works. then report back in about an hour wjth all the progress u made.

going back to the original topic of this post, my fave ways to release stress used to be 1) weightlifting 2) running 3) swimming but having since lost all of the necessary equipment for the aforementioned actions, what else do u expect from me ?

[haik-choo]

karasuno first years out late w/ their s/o

request: Could you write how 1st years (yachi too pls🥺) going out with their s/o late at night ?

a/n: this is such a cute little concept i -- 

[KARASUNO FIRST YEARS OUT LATE AT NIGHT WITH THEIR S/O]

-tsukishima, kageyama, yamaguchi, hinata, yachi

tsukishima kei.

not gonna lie, he’s often awake late at night. he’s a night owl and doesn’t mind sacrificing his sleep to watch some youtube videos

occasionally, he even goes out late at night, slipping past his parents and brother’s room and softly closing the front door with his headphones covering his ears and his hands stuffed in his pockets

so when you text him at 3am and ask if he can go out with you to the convenience store, he agrees in seconds to meet you at the halfway point between your houses

wastes no time in putting on his sneakers and a hoodie; he wants to get there quickly so that you aren’t left out by yourself

tsukishima knows there’s creeps out there, which is exactly why he jogs to the halfway point and is relieved when he’s the first one there

as soon as he sees you in the distance he fast walks to catch up to you, and slips his hand into yours

he totally brings bluetooth earbuds so that you two can listen to the same music instead of his wired headphones <3 uwu

is always on the lookout for any weirdos, and if he spots someone eyeing you up he shoots them the nastiest glare

eventually wraps his arms around your shoulder while your hand is sitll in his and its that cute little thing where your arms is across your chest holding his hand </3

pays for whatever you get at the store, ignores your complaints and tells you to shut up when you continue to insist on paying

“im trying to be a good boyfriend for once, for the love of god PLEASE shut up”

secretly takes a candid photo of you at some point in the night and sets it as his home screen -- NOT his lock screen, and when you see it he outright denies having taken it

tsukishima: you told me to take a picture of you

you: stop lying i know you’re a closet hopeless romantic 

convinces you to stop at the park and eat the snacks you both got there, music still humming in your ears as the moonlight washes you both in cool tones

tsukishima when he’s alone with you is so soft -- he literally kisses your hand and temple and mutters very softly “love you” 

all in all, tsukishima kei is the perfect night-owl boyfriend to go on snack-runs with 

kageyama tobio.

"why would i go out right now. do you know what time it is. i have practice in the morning”

kags really out here kinda hurtin’ your feelin’s ngl boy doesn’t understand the vibes LOL

honestly you probably woke him up, he’s asleep at like ten every night (even tho he still has homework to do he just flat-out ignores it LOL) 

only agrees to go out walking with you because you said he could bring his volleyball and you’d toss a few for him....and also because he’s a little worried because it’s so dark out

doesn’t walk with you to the park but meets you there LOL

he deadass has his wholeass duffel bad with the ball, two waterbottles, two towelettes, volleyball sneakers and everything

“you know,,,,we’re not playing a game, right, tobio?”

“yeah???? and??? what’s your point”

acts nonchalant but is totally having fun and is lowkey glad you asked him to go out so late because it’s cool out, there’s no one to bother him, and you just look...really good under the stars

he’s not a cheesy person but...god you just take his breath away sometimes. not that he’ll ever say that though

you ask to take a break like thirty minutes in because you are LITERALLY dying meanwhile he hasn’t even broken a sweat (”you’re already tired? maybe you should workout more” “shut UP kageyama”)

you both sit on the bench, and you’re lowkey waiting for him to reach for your hand but they’re just folded in his lap as he stares out in the nothingness of night

kageyama can’t take a hint. we know this. he’s incapable of knowing what you want unless you flat out tell him; so you have to be a very honest person

he doesn’t even really initiate skinship, not because he doesn’t want to, but just because it never really crosses his mind

plus he doesn’t feel the need to constantly show affection because he thinks it’s obvious that he likes you

despite this, he is good at spotting weird people, and he’s pretty protective of you, so you’re completely safe with him. trust him, he’ll keep you safe

all in all, have patience and stamina because kags will play volleyball with you until you pass out. also, he loves you 

yamaguchi tadashi.

is in bed by 11pm but doesn’t actually go to sleep until two am because he’s scrolling through tiktok on his phone

sees your text about wanting to go out for a late night walk and maybe go through the little forest near your house and automatically sends a text that says “ill meet you at your window! can you pack some snacks? :)”

he walks all the way to your house, even if it’s more convenient to meet halfway because he wants to protect you! he’s not the strongest nor is he the most intimidating, so all he really has to offer is his presence

despite not being strong nor scary, yams literally has eagle eye. you can’t tell me that he can’t read people in a heartbeat -- he’s extremely perceptive 

also texts you to not bring a jacket because he’s bringing on of his own for you !!! so sweet what the hell

he waits at your front door and when you step out he automatically pushes his volleyball jacket into your hands and he takes the bag of snacks from you and sticks out one of his hands UGH such a gentleman

lets you ramble about anything and stares at your side profile as he listens 

joins in with a few quips here and there but ultimately is pretty quite and lets you speak or lets the silence cozy into the conversation

sees that there’s a guy sitting on a bench up the road and he switches places with you so that you’re further away from the stranger 

also wraps a protective hand around your waist until you both are past the random dude but yams will glance behind yall every once in a while

when you two reach the mini forest he ends up taking the lead claiming that he knows a good spot

and damn, he’s right

it’s a little clearing that is illuminated solely by the moonlight and he sets the bag of snacks down beside him before sitting down himself, apologizing for not bringing a blanket that you two could sit on 

pats the spot next to him so that you sit right beside him and he leans back with his hand on yours ONGMIRG 

is the super cheesy type and tells you that you look really pretty and that,,,he kind of wants to kiss you

you: *experiencing heart palpitations* and you did this for what. 

yamaguchi: ...because i love you?

you: *K.O*

all in all, yamaguchi is the boyfriend that completely indulges your late-night escapades <3 

hinata shoyo.

is either completely fast asleep and doesn’t see your text or was awake and not planning to sleep for the next five hours, no in-between

but if he’s awake and sees your text, he agrees right away and asks where you want to meet up and what time because homeboy probably has to bike to get there AgAGAGAGA

literally doesn’t even show up in sneakers. he’s wearing sandals and shorts with a short sleeve top 

“i came in my pjs”

“i see that.”

asks if you two can bike around instead because he doesn’t want to have to wheel his bike around for like an hour 

he tells you to hold on tight because the bike was built for one person, and when you press against his back his warmth is literally so,,,comforting 

has no sense of awareness and will scream going down a hill in the middle of a neighborhood, no fucks given

so, no, he doesn’t notice any weriod people even if there are some around

you always end up running into some weird people and you get new interesting stories every other day because let’s be honest hinata is a magnet for crazy shit and crazy people (usually crackheads) 

you both just ride around as he talks about his day, usually his sister always comes up in the conversation( “she asked me to marry you the other day” “doirhgAEROIHFGRE SHOYO WHAT” “what? i told her i would. i keep my promises!”)

after like thirty minutes he begs for a break and you stop at a little 24/7 ice cream store that is run by the sweetest elderly couple

you share a sundae because you don’t want to eat too much this late at night

he plops on the bench right outside the store with his bike leaning against the metal handles, and h snuggles up to you and watches you scroll on your phone

he talks a little here and there, but for the most part, he goes quiet, and it’s during this time where you’re unaware of his gaze that he just takes his time drinking in your features in the yellow light of the lamppost 

he can’t read the mood most times, but this time he does, and he stays quiet, and he thinks to himself

that he really will marry you one day

all in all, hinata gives you the impulsive young teenage experience of late night bike rides while eating his fair share of ice cream

yachi hitoka.

another either or, except this time she’s either fast asleep or stressing over homework and the nine tests she has the next day

when you ask if she can go on a walk with you she’s hesitant because she doesn’t want to get in trouble with her mom and she’s a total goody goody and terrified of doing anything reckless; but then she remembers that her mom was on a business trip and so she, very cautiously, says yes

you: good. i’m outside your door btw

yachi: i never had a choice did i

you have to meet her at her house because she’s way too scared to walk by herself at night; she might even make you factime her as you commute because she’s worried for you

jumps at every little thing, even the crows cawing make her shit herself

instictively grabs onto your sleeve and nervously look around the entire time, to the point where she doesn’t hear what you say

so you offer to go to a little cafe that’s still open and right away she nods

she’s so adorable, she bows really deeply when you two walk into the store and apologizes for it being so late

and finally, because you two are safe, she’s calm and smiling as she sips at her strawberry smoothie

awkwardly and very shyly reaches out for your hand on the table and gently lays her palm on yours

canon: yachi totally has freckles and you can’t convince me otherwise 

her face is red and her freckles are just on display you can’t help but coo at her and tuck some hair behind her ear because god could she get any cuter?

you two end up staying for like a hour and a half and very shyly she asks if you could walk her home 

and this time on the walk she’s not overly cautious and seems to enjoy the nighttime breeze and your hand softly clasping hers

does that cute thing where she lays her head on your shoulder or arm while you both are walking and looks up at you through her eyelashes and asks if you could give her a kiss on the cheek </3

you: stop. please. im going to die.

when you’re at her door she literally just stands there awkwardly for a few seconds before tilting her head upwards and pressing her lips to yours and then promptly running inside

video calls you three seconds afterwards to make sure you get home safely 

all in all, you might need to be the impulsive one, but yachi enjoys spending late night time with you more than she admits. also please kiss her thanks      

[goodguydotmp3]

two questions: why don’t you like harry and do you really think harry villanized the weed video or do you think that was the people attempting to court him (azoffs)

Whew, this is a long one folx!

Why don’t you like Harry [Styles]?

Let me preface this response by saying that I’m a pretty new “fan” if one can still call me that. I got into the One Direction fandom in the summer of last year, and much of my opinions of the boys where shaped by fan reactions. After gathering more and more information however, I realized that the fandom and I were wrong about some things, and over hyping others. 

Still, it wasn’t until this year that I actually broke out of the Harry-centric bubble to realize that the shady goings on where much worse than I originally thought. Add to this my realization that Harry’s music really doesn’t withstand the test of time, and that his persona is pretty Stagnant, and I’ve come to feel rather bamboozled.

Of course I know that the entire point of his PR team is to sway public opinion of him one way, and if I ate it up that was part of the plan. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. It also doesn’t mean I feel any less hurt about it. It also doesn’t mean that I like when other people fawn over him, as quite a lot of what I’m going to say has been public knowledge, and some of it before I was even a fan.

A. Music

 Actually getting to a big part of the problem here, his music isn’t good. Well, not long term like I said in the preface. He doesn’t really have much of a vocal range despite being a singer for more than ten years. He does not care and acts like he does, often leading to him sounding like he’s screaming instead of singing. He’s lyrics are boring and flat, and his melodies are fine, they just don’t make up for his unmemorable lyrics. I personally think that the cause is him more heavily relying on song writers to fill in more in more, but that’s mostly because I don’t want to believe that the same person who wrote Happily and Olivia also wrote At the Dining Table and Treat People With Kindness, because that would just mean he’s getting worse or putting forth less effort. 

Of course one could argue that I’m not a professional, I don’t have the necessary Jargon to correctly critique, and I’m no longer a singer so I can’t even do what he does. But to that I say fuck off. I know what sounds good! I know what I like! 

Even more than that though, If you bought a product (non food), and you could only use that product for the first two weeks you bought it, you’d say it was a shit product! You’d scream from the rooftops that no one should ever buy this product because it’s crap! Well guess what? I pre-ordered Fine Line just to listen for two weeks and never pick it up again except for golden, she’s a funky tune every couple months. 

Besides the test of time, there is still the subject of actual talent/listenability if you will. I feel there’s four main categories when I listen to music that makes it worth listening to

1.Amazing voice

2.Awesome lyrics

3.Funky/ cool ass melody/Beat

4.Catchy as hell

Now, a song doesn’t need to be all four, however the more they have the more likely I am to like the song. Also, I’ve said “main categories” because I’ve definitely had songs were I just through the beat drop was cool, or maybe the bridge was sick as hell, or maybe I just liked the pacing or the way the singer/singers stressed a note. Alternatively there is a sweet spot for me of super depressing lyrics but a melody/ that makes you want to dance. See: most of After Laughter by Paramore, Lola By Mika. But in general, those four usually make me love a song long term.

If it’s an album, it usually Just has to sound like it belongs on the same album/ tell a story. Like I really don’t like albums that sound like it’s just a playlist of songs personally. I should be able to listen to a song and go “oh yeah, that’s off --- album” or I didn’t like the album as a whole. An album is a bit like an outfit to me. It’s not going to be all tops, nor does it need to be monochromatic, but it does need to go together

For Example, I love Four as an album. I thought it was amazing. I still hate Spaces and Illusion. I hate both of their melodies, I don’t like the Illusion intro, I’m not to keen on those lyrics, and they’re definitely not catchy, I skip every time. 

So taking that logic to Harry’s music, I think HS1 works very well as an album, almost all of the songs sound like they’re supposed to be there. And I hate every song but Kiwi. The lyrics are boring/don’t make a ton of sense, the melodies definitely don’t make up for that, he doesn’t have the range, and none of them are catchy! And then you get to Kiwi and she’s got that vibe you know? She’s a pop punk bop and I cannot fucking believe that Harry has one pop punk bop among unmemorable pop rock album.

Going to Fine line, It’s not as great as an album. There are some songs that don’t really feel like they fit? Like just going through the album, cherry doesn’t have any business being there? Like the lyrics fit sure, but what is that weird intro and outro? It probably would have been fine If the song didn’t have those two, but having them there upset the pace a bit I felt. And then there was Treat People With Kindness, which was really Jarring and doesn’t feel like it belongs on the album at all? It  actually feels like it’s trying to be Kiwi - it’s loud and garish, and the lyrics are trying to be carefree, but! It just doesn’t work! TPWK sounds like Hippie music! Kiwi sounds like Brendon Urie could sing it and people would be like “good ol Panic!”. And then the album goes back down into Fine line the song, which again is Jarring because you’ve had this TPWK monstrosity right before it.

Then, looking at the overarching theme of his music, It’s whiny piss baby music He hates to take responsibility for his actions! It’s all in his lyrics! And don’t get me wrong, I love Honest lyrics, but not if the person is an asshole! LIke I fucking hate confessions by Usher specifically becasue he’s talking about how much he’s a piece of shit in the most whiny and piss baby way, making it all about him and no the people he hurt. I also really hate that one song that Zayn did with Usher and Chris Brown, because you have these awful men completely misunderstanding what it means to write a love song, and then you have Zayn at the very end all like “actually I really am in love tho…” Esp Chris browns verse! It boils down to “Hey I know I was a asshole seven billion times but I miss you tho :(“ GIRL BYE! 

Harry sounds the exact same though, Except he can’t even blame himself for his own mistakes, and just wades through self pity about how the object of his affection won’t love him even though he didn’t even do anything except it wasn’t his fault and why are you still mad it wasn’t even his fault and he was young and reckless and drunk and horny. Like??? WRITE A NEW SONG TAYLOR SWIFT 2.0! There’s only so much you can repackage the same narrative before it becomes stale no Cinderella does not count keep that shit coming. And It really jumps out in his writing, even through 1d, although I will say there were some catchy beats, and awesome lines to keep him afloat back then. Although wtf was Walking in the Wind??? Choke!

Then there are the melodies I’m talking post wondee here which often give this 70’s pop rock vibe. Which fine I guess, it’s his brand, but that doesn’t make it interesting. Or new. Or fresh. Or an interesting take. 

Now I completely understand relying on nostalgia to boost people’s opinion, but you could at leas have the decency to actually have good music. For Example, Miss you by Louis Tomlinson has a very distinctive pop rock feel, but it’s also an amazing song. Great lyrics, amazing voice, catchy liddle diddy that happens to be reminiscent of that 2005- 2010 punk pop/emo pop feel. Sour diesel has that like,,,basey 90s pop feel, and it fucking works with the lyrics, and of course his voice is beautiful. When Walls dropped and Lou put out that playlist of songs that were an inspiration, you can hear the influences when you listen to the album, but they’re also really good songs in their own right, with amazing lyrics, and Louis’ distinctive voice. Comparing that to Harry, it seems like he’s mostly relying on people’s nostalgia rather than actually good music.

Okay so this last point I’m making on music is a little petty but it’s been like a week and I’m still pissed about it so I’m saying it now. Someone said that Harry Styles is the best pop rock artist right now???? Just admit that you don’t listen to pop rock tf. Louis Tomlinson is right there. Brendon Urie is right there. Mika is right there. Haley Williams is right there. Janell Monae is right there. I don’t listen to a lot of pop rock lol but i feel my point has been made

B. Public Persona

He get’s so much clout! SO MUCH CLOUT! For doing the bare minimum (this is not specifically about the fandom, that’s for later)! People will write all these glowing reviews of him for him??? Being polite??? Like okay and? Just because a person is polite doesn’t mean they’re fucking Jesus??? There’s a million and one stories so i’m not fucking looking them up but there’s the pizza story and the fish story and the plane story and the snl story and the Stormzy story and the WS story on and on and on! Stop giving this man brownie points for basic human decency. “I didn’t expect him to be like that!” okay is that because of their perception of what a rock star is supposed to be like? Because in that case we need to start holding people accountable for being assholes. Or is it because he seems like an asshole. Cause valid.

I also don’t like him leaning so heavily on the queer image thing. Like! If that’s how he likes to express himself, Fine, But so much of it is just...so manufactured! And I Know I’ve heard people say oh well he wore the one rainbow on his lapel that one time or he wore the shirt or he wore the Keith Harring.

1. That Rainbow pin is sus as hell I don’t care what ya’ll say It absolutely screams set up, if he wanted to not be seen he would have not been seen 

2. That goes for literally every other time. I can’t believe it’s not a set up to push a queer image. (that he profits from!)

3. If he actually did his homework on Keith Harring he’d know that the man was a predator, and he wouldn’t have worn those shirts. It seems so performative! To add to that, does he know now? If so, why isn’t he using his platform to correct his mistake? Why didn’t he come out and let people know not to buy Harring’s stuff??? He knows the pull he has! He absolutely could have been like “I’ve made a mistake, if you are looking for queer artists to support, here’s some” But he fucking doesn’t

4. To add on to that last part, It is actually sus that he gets to profit off of this queer image, and yet the only queer voices that he’s propping up are white gays. And then not even directly? Not a “queer artists, esp queer artists of color are important and need their voices boosted because they are the back bone of society” but this wink nod type of deal, where again, he mainly boosts white gays.like??? One queer black woman that doesn’t work for the Azoffs, and then a bunch of white gays. Like?? That’s not racist to anyone else???????Just me? okay.

Now from a professional point of view, it’s even worse. I’m not saying that artists can’t be campy or blurr gender lines, or imply that they ‘re queer subtly. But I think it’s fucking disrespectful to play both ends. Like, he profits off of using the queer image, all while Dancing around the subject, but then on the back end he never says that Homophobes/Transphobes aren’t allowed in his fandom. He gives this empty ass tpwk and then washes his hands of it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am always upset when people who have lots of queerphobes in their fandom bullying and harassing the actual queer people never say anything to let queerphobes know they’re unwelcome (clearly money is better than morals) but for me it’s an extra kick to the gut for it to literally profit Harry to seem queer. Look at that time that  gay company sold out shirts in less than an hour,because harry was wearing it and tell me people aren’t throwing money at him because they feel he’s queer. 

C. Fashion

This one is a really rough one for me because this is partially what drew me into Harry in the first place. But he’s really not all that in terms of fashion. He’s expensive certainly, but sometimes, the things that are more expensive are worse. Even When He’s not looking like a grandparent out on the town, his style is very dated, and yet he gets paraded around like he’s the freshest new thing?? Like who is his team paying of for him to get that many articles about how he’s fashion’s biggest star. And the thing is, his style is even dated for the mainstream. There’s already a post about how he copies prominent pop/pop rock stars of the 70s, which means that his style is 50 years old for the mainstream. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s totally fine if you’re addicted to seventies wear. I don’t think he should be heralded as this huge fashion star if his wardrobe is this dated

Even more than that. Gucci???? The Gucci with a history of Racism?? The Gucci with the child labor??? The Gucci with the 14 hour days Gucci??? Ugly ass Gucci????? Soulja Boy don’t even fuck with Gucci no more and he fuck with Gucci since like 2007. (although that was because of the racism, not cause it’s ugly)

I think that bothers me the most though. Like it’s not enough to exploit people, you also have to be tacky ugly and expensive???? For what??? @Gucci cease to exist please.

If Harry wants to be tacky ugly and expensive, that’s of course his rights to do so! But don’t act like he’s at the very pinnacle of fashion every time he does. 

I’m actually always very conflicted about that. I personally prefer a style that’s very loud and campy and avant garde but like,,,,that ain’t it. Maybe it’s something you got it or ya don’t??? Like for example Billy Porter could wear a trashbag and make it work. The expensive sweaters and the slacks? The suits? Not a good look on one Harry Styles. Maybe it’s because they’re expensive sweaters and slacks and expensive suits. What are you, Ted from accounting??? Grow up.

D. Treat People With Kindness

Ugh this is the thing that pisses me off like the second to most. This phrase is so fucking empty. You could not have made up a more corporate mandated phrase if you fucking tried. It stands for nothing! Just like him!

Let’s break it down. “Treat people with kindness” is, at face value, a call to action. It’s asking you to do something. But it doesn’t actually tell you what to do!! So it’s pretty inoffensive! You don’t actually have to change your behavior in anyway for two main reasons:

1. What the hell is Kindness??? This phrase never actually says what it is??? It’s just this short little punchy thing that assumes you know what kindness is! What if you didn’t actually know? What if you have differing ideals of what is considered kindness? I mean to my mother, Misgendering me is kindness, but I don’t think that’s kindness. To my father, not letting his children have autonomy is kindness, but I don’t find that kind. And yet they could both use that phrase and feel confident that they go around treating people with kindness. After all they cooked dinner didn’t they? They smiled at Janice from public relations didn’t they? That’s kindness right?

2. It also assumes you know what “people” are. Queer people are people. Queerphobes don’t consider queer people, people. Racists aren’t going to consider some people, people. So they can continue their harassment and dehumanization of them and still be treating people with kindness, because they never harmed actual people (to them)

E. Harry bots

Bitch?? Corporate spies?? Tf ??? That’s not weird to ya’ll ?? I think the thing that shocked me more than someone from Colombia records admitting that he manufactures the hype around people signed to Colombia, is the fact that the Fandom been knew!!!! Ya’ll been knew and ya’ll wasn’t gon tell me???????? I just found out last week wtf????????

Another thing I don’t like about them Harry bots, is it’s one thing to hype up Harry, but why tf do they need to shit on the other boys??? Is it because they’re more talented, good looking, and charming??? How about you get good!!!! I esp hate that it’s usually Louis. What is Corporate’s obsession with putting Louis down like? What a bunch of fucking weirdos?? It’s not enough to be a Harry fan and live up his ass, I gotta hate Louis too?? You lost yo damn mind. If you reading this and you a spy? Die.

F. Capitalism

Honestly that should be the end of it but here the fuck we go I guess. Now I get that there is going to be some capitalism involved when you get music, especially mainstream music, there are tones of articles out there with people who used to be in the industry telling you about how fucking awful it is, all in the pursuit of money. (Which isn’t fucking real by the way! We made it up! People out here getting traumatized! Belittled! Bullied! Married off! So some corporation can make all the money! The Imaginary Credits! That we made up! I hate it here!) 

But it’s another fucking thing to participate in a capitalist system? He invested into that one sleep app, even going to do one of the voice sessions (So you could have Harry Styles themed sleep paralysis) and you pay for that! He makes money off that! It’s not enough that you buy his mediocre music or his ugly ass merch, you also have to give him money through the sleep paralysis app. 

Then there was that Google Camp for Rich People Only! I don’t even want to fucking hear that it was on Climate Change oh wow all the rich people took helicopters and Yachts to a resort with manicured lawns??? To talk about how they treat the environment? That’s not at all Counter intuitive! Not at all for show! Fucking disgusting.

Oh and the Covid Shirt! Really bitch??? You need to Profit off a deadly pandemic? Are you profiting off of AIDS next you fucking bastard. And he can of course get a tax write of for his “ charitable donation” fuck off.

G. Racism

This! This is the thing that gets me the most! YA’LL CAN EXCUSE RACISM???

No, I’m not talking about the Native American Headdress thing, that was plenty despicable on it’s own, No I’m talking about the on going racism. The whole, using black people for clout and then dropping them and never returning the favor when they sing his praises thing. Specifically I’m thinking of Sis the activist, Stormzy, and Lizzo. 

The Lizzo thing pisses me off the most actually. I think it’s very fucking convenient that Harry started taking interest in Lizzo after there was uproar from black fans noting his hypocrisy of performing for Pepsi (Notoriously racist) and Having BLM sticker on his guitar. So he shows up at one of her concerts dressed like a senior citizen that got lost on the way to the retirement home bathroom. She looked fucking amazing and he couldn’t put forth the effort to at least not look senile. Then there was the covering of her songs, and then there was the cuddling up with her at the awards show. Funny how I haven’t seen any interaction after the fact! And Of course everyone forgot about the Pepsi concert! Fuck all the way off!!

Also! Are we just never going to talk about the fact that he didn’t comment on the blm protests earlier this year until his team could gauge whether or not it would be profitable to do so by DATA MINING HIS FAN BASE???? And then when he actually did he got the most praise for it, truly fucking hate it here. Also when he marched with those protesters he made sure we knew it was him. There were posts flouting around everywhere on how to best cover up to make yourself completely unrecognizable should you wind up on camera or fucking worse, get attacked by the police. Funny how Close Sprouse could follow the advice and not Harry? Also supper funny how he got the hell out of dodge before things got super bad and I have not heard anything on the matter since. Guess what Harry??? We’re still out here fighting for the rights to exist! Still wanna have a photo op while our own government tries to squash us with force????? This is like that Jenner Pepsi ad but with sunglasses and a pandemic.

H. Fandom

I think I would hate him less if I didn’t have to hear about him every hour of everyday. Stop Hyping this man so much. Even after unfollowing and blocking a bunch of Harries and Larries he’s all across my dash. And twitter. And insta. KURTIS CONNER FUCKING LIKES HIM I JUST WANTED CRACK CONTENT AND NOW LOOK. 

I. Conclusion.

After writing all this I think the running theme is that Harry Styles isn’t even a person, he’s a brand. I do not like or trust brands! And I definitely don’t like being advertised to! Just like It’s fake as fuck when Absolut is all about queer rights, it’s fake as fuck when Harry does it too. Just like I know Target doesn’t actually care about Black lives, I know Harry doesn’t either. People are always like “oh he’s so nice!” no! He’s polite! There’s a difference. Zayn Is a truly kind person. Liam is a truly kind person. Louis is a truly kind person. It shines though so brightly all the time, and yet people are really out here worshiping the Brand Harry Styles. 

Do I think It was Harry or The Azoffs throwing Zouis under the bus. 

Truly doesn’t matter! Whichever one did it, Harry was totally fine with it! Which tells me that he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He’ll go along with anything as long as it gets him to the top, and that’s fucked up on one million and one levels

[fiction-in-my-blood]

Obey Me! Characters x Horny GN!MC HC (NFSW)

This includes all brothers and undateables (Diavolo, Barbatos, Soloman, and Simeon) I think I got a little carried away with Barbatos’ but, hey, its still a good read haha

Warnings: Just straight up Not Safe For Work, a lot of mentions of rough sex, edging in Barbatos’ HC, references to open relationships in Asmo’s and Diavolo’s, Lucifer’s is a lil angsty.

~~~~~~

Lucifer:

More than happy to accomodate you at any time of the day, but you’ll have to hold off when he’s particularly busy at the end of the month when the bills need to be sorted.

(Maybe encourage Mammon to hold off a bit on the big spending so he isn’t too stressed)

And, if he does get overrun with work pushed on him by the student council or Diavolo, tease him but accidentally letting it slip you’ll just have to go to Mamo or Asmo to complain, seeing as he can’t pleasure you right now. 

He’ll definitely be invigorated to recover the pride he drastically lost even by the insinuation you’d go off spouting nonsense like that.

“I promise I’ve been good ~.”

“Their names wouldn’t even be on you mind if you were.”

You’ll be satisfied especially when he’s stressed, pounding all his frustrations into you, his demon strength pushing your head further and further into his pillows. That is if you make it to the bed. 

When he does have the time, however, and you’re particularly needy, he’ll tease you to no end, not touching you until he can’t hold himself back anymore. 

And, being overly sexual doesn’t mean rough all the live long day. 

He likes to take it slow most of the time, not just teasing you, but engraining your body into his mind. 

Because somewhere, deep in the self-sabatarging part of his brain, he remembers you’re mortal and he isn’t. 

He’s going to live longer than you are, he could already be your eldest ancestor, so that thought it always in the back of his head as his face is burrowed in you neck, taking you in every sense of the word. By smell, touch, taste, hearing your moans of his name, watching your face screw up in pleasure and resting next to him after a specifically sensual love making session.

Mammon:

Won’t notice that its sex that you want at first, taking you to shop with him countless time when you’ve said your bored and wanted to have a lil fun~.

When he does realise, however, good god how can you have some much blood at two end of your body? Rock hard and a blushing mess at you on your knees in your room, just home from RAD, pushing him on the bed and almost swallowing him whole right there. 

His face is bright red listening to Satan and Asmo tease him- you had ranted to them countless times that Mamo was completely oblivious and you were worried to spell it out for him. 

But now, he’s just as needy as you, if not more. He is the Avatar of Greed, after all.

Don’t worry though, even if he is clueless when it comes to you, he’s had his fair share of sexual payback deals, so he’s got thousands of years of experience. Witches have used his body like a piece of meat time and time again.

Well, now he’s not just greedy for money. You’ll be lucky to ever sleep in your own bed again.

Might roleplay a prostitute and pimp, stripper and client, secretary and CEO, whatever situation that would possibly allow one of you to hand the other money.

Both of you swap, but Mamo, being greedy, enjoys it more when you top, doing most of the work. Won’t admit that though. 

He relishes in the feeling of your thighs bouncing up and down on his hips, weight draped over his as you kiss him with so much pressure you might just be able to make diamonds. 

Leviathan:

Too busy playing games, watching anime and boasting about his collection to think that you came to his room for any other reason.

Gets the idea when you sit on his lap, though, mid-speech about Henry and the Lord of Shadow’s latest exploits, grinding against him and grinding his words to a halt.

Although momentarily caught off guard, blushing as he stammers out an apology for not noticing sooner, he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you into endless amounts of bliss.

The boy has a few tricks from harem games he’s played, lets not play ourselves.

He will ignore you when there’s a new release, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use him however you like. 

Sucking him off from under his desk as he struggles to concentrate on what’s going on onscreen, whispering sweet nothings in his ear as his friends’ voices echo through the headset. 

He will get a little annoyed, you did ruin his 20 Kill/Death ratio, but a sensual plea for his cock to bury deep inside you and he’ll be willing to forgive you. 

That is if you acquire this figurine he’s been looking into buying but can’t afford because Mammon borrowed money from him again. This time without asking.

Satan:

Some say makeup sex is the best kind of sex. Well, how about sprawled over ancient texts, forgetting to lock the libray door sex?

It can be hard to get him to put down the books and stop watching the dramas, especially when a PSA for an animal charity comes on, but, when you do... Honey.

There’s a lot of risk to being needy with Satan.

Sure, he’s happy to make you happy, but if you intend of fucking him out of his private time when he’s particularly engrossed in an book, please don’t push it. Unless you wanna get rammed from behind in the hallway outside the dining hall while he’s in demon form.

Sometimes, even with a pride that could rival Lucifer’s, Satan just can’t get off- which makes him a little pissy. Don’t worry, though, you can make him feel better by putting on a show, playing with yourself until your screaming his name. Then he’s harder than should be physically possible.

If there’s a sex scene on one of his detective shows, he’ll complain about how needless it is to the storyline, he has already realised who the killer is.

But, when he notices you haven’t said a word on the subject and are moving onto his lap, grinding on his thigh, blocking his view of the lewd, but short, scene, he couldn’t be happier about the character’s relationship development. 

He will be rewinding when you’re done, though. You missed about three episodes because of that scene.

Asmodeus:

If he isn’t the Avatar of Lust, you sure as hell might be.

Even before you got together, it was incredibly difficult to resist him. And not just because of his devilish powers.

The horny gremlin could hardly keep it in his pants before you dated, but now. Luv, get ready.

He likes to dress you in whatever sexy outfit there is. Whether its a full blown nurse outfit or the smallest lingerie going, you’re both happy to try anything.

You tried a nun’s outfit one time and, coincidentally, almost got caught by one of the angels. You had been experimenting in the library of Purgatory Hall, so it’s only you’re fault, but it was still a very, very close call.

He’ll never leave you hanging, you’ll definitely have more than five orgasms a round, but he’ll have twice as many.

He might ask if you want to include another person, and you might agree, depending on your openness to sexuality, but he’s not going to make you feel let out. 

You’ll feel like a royal, more important than Diavolo, ravished from all side, just by him. If you did include anyone else, they’d be lucky to even get their hands on you.

There will be times when, just so they could sleep, Lucifer will enforce a ban on how far you can go. You’re a screamer and he’s a moaner, and all the brother have had enough nightmares as it is. 

They’ll go as far as put a chastity belt on him, locking him in his room and sending you to stay with the angels for a couple days so they can have some peace and quiet during the night. 

But, when you come together again, Asmo’s cock still locked away, he’ll go full demon-mode, form and all, fingering and licking you like no other time before.

Jokingly asks if you defiled the angels without him, you joke that you did. You never thought Asmo would be so openly jealous, but that look then was almost as scary as Satan. If it didn’t turn you on so much, it would be.

Beelzebub:

He’s not dumb. 

Watching you jump on the counter, flirtatously crossing one leg over the other as he has his late late night snack, comments about how well he eats.

What that tongue do tho?!

It’s become customary for you two to meet up in the kitchen on his nightly visit, letting him eat all the food he wants before he buries his face in you right there and then.

Never have you been happier to have a gluttonous, demon boyfriend.

He’s just as horny as you are, eager to taste you at any given moment. 

And he’s not secretive about it.

At first, he would just walk up to you as you talked with his brothers or the angels, asking you if you wanted to use this whipped cream you introduced him to from a care package you got from home a month ago.

“It’s just whip cream, Beel. From the can.” You correct him before excitedly agreeing.

Because of this, Asmo’s asked to join in a few too many times for it to be a teasing joke anymore.

Now, after you tell him he might break Mamo if he asked you to ride his face because he was hungry as school again, he’ll whisper in your ear how much he wants you. It’s not much less obvious, but at least everyone doesn’t know the specifics of your sex lives anymore.

Belphegor:

Honey, he may be asleep half the time you are together, but fuck if he doesn’t know how to treat you well. 

He’s surprisingly perceptive so, when you take him to the attic, mentioning how far away it is from all his brothers, meaning it’ll be harder for them to hear the two of you, he does chuckle at your not so indirect way of telling him you want him. 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s going to make you work for it. Although, not in a way similar to Lucifer.

He’ll finger you to the edge, give you oral until you just about to topple over, have you ride him and then rip you off his lap the second he feels that slight tightening around his cock, thoroughly enjoy that broken, teary-eyed expression everytime you cry his name in annoyance. 

But, if you can muster enough strength, and he hasn’t fucked it all out of you yet, you could wrap your legs around his waist, making him make you cum when you’ve reached your limit.

You’ll be severely punished, covered in delicious brusies, but it’ll all be worth it.

Diavolo:

At first, he jokes about your obvious, desperate advances. 

Like, seriously, how can a human have so much energy?

He finds it cute when you pout because he’s busy.

When he has to make diplomatic trips, his D.D.D is ringing every other hour.

“MC, I love you. With all my heart. But I don’t think God will appreciate me listening to you cum in our meetings.”

Not to mention the amount of times Lucifer and Barbatos have walked in on you going at it on the throne (which is your favourite place to do it, as of late).

You honestly couldn’t care less. Demons are allowed to be horny sex fiends, why can’t you?

Diavolo never thought he could meet his match, but you, this human that stole his heart, might just have worn him out. 

However, what gets him every single time? You whispering in his ear as he’s discussing important matters of Devildom with Lucifer, his smirk making the eldest brother blush because he knows, and can probably hear, the plans you’re nibbling into Diavolo’s ear. 

All the positions, all the memories you wanted to recreate, all the sweet cries of pleasure.

You might as well be humping his leg.

“Oh, and Luci, did you want to join?”

Barbatos:

Doesn’t react much in public. 

Or at all, really.

He does represent Diavolo in everything he does, so it’s not like he can go around with hickies covering his visible skin.

You do try to rein it in for him, you respect his dedicaion for the future king of Devildom, he shows you a fraction of that same dedication and you’re on cloud nine, but it does get in the way sometimes.

For example, you could be in the middle of getting dicked down, the first time all week and it was WEDNESDAY, and Barbatos stands up straight, pulling right out of you, leaving to attend to whatever need Diavolo might have without another thought to you.

This had happened a few times now and you were tired of being blue-balled.

You had to go to the source.

“Diavolo!” 

Eyes practically alight with rage, you stormed right into Lucifer’s office, where you knew the two would be. 

Mammon had seen you in all your radiant, disheveled desire turned furious and you demanded he tell you exactly where the prince was, even if he didn’t know in that minute. 

This fiasco was ending. 

Today.

Lucifer was angry with your casual referral to such a high-standing demon, but Diavolo brushed it off because you were you. You were the human he found so endearing, wanted to learn more about. And you were Barbatos’ partner.

“Stop calling Barbatos at night! Better yet, give him the weekend. I can’t do it anymore! I’m going crazy here with all this edging! I haven’t cum in a month!!!” 

The words slipped from your lips without you caring, Lucifer’s frown lifting into a smirk as he smelt and sensed the need for sex all over you. Diavolo laughed at how utterly needy you were, nodding when he noticed you glaring.

“I swear, on all of Devildom, Barbatos is all yours when the sun sets.”

That night, you pulled out all the stops.

Candles, blankets, boxes upon boxes of condoms, lube, his favourite food, and your sexiest lingerie. There was no way you weren’t getting laid tonight. You were going to make it that you couldn’t walk tomorrow, no. matter. what.

Barbatos enjoyed his dinner with you, which was unusually tame compared to how you normally were. You were still a little angry about last night, when you were a thrust away from finishing when, apparently, Diavolo needed help and Barbatos lifted you off him and redid his pant buttons like nothing had happened.

However, after all the delectable food, the show really began.

A strip tease. A blowjob. He even finished you off once with his fingers, but it wasn’t enough. You had been so close too many times. You were cumming on that dick if it was the last thing you ever did in Devildom.

“Oh, I think Dia-.”

“Don’t you fucking dare say that name.” 

You gritted your teeth, clamping your hand over his mouth to shush any attempt to leave you hanging here. Literally. 

He was standing, holding you up by the thighs as you bounced on his cock, sweat coating both of you and breathing mixing as you tried to kiss but couldn’t manage the absence of oxygen for less than a second.

A muffled sound of confusion came from him as his grip on your ass loosened, but you wrapped your legs tighter around him so there was no way he could escape.

“I need to cum with you, Barbatos. I can’t take it anymore. I need you.”

Your voice croaked, tears of desperation filling your eyes, and that was all it took to send him into hyperdrive. 

You were pushed against the walls with a heavy thud, hitting your head at the force, and it would have hurt it you weren’t suffering from such mind-blowing pleasure.

It’s safe to say, you were never going to be edged like that ever again.

Solomon:

It doesn’t take magic to see the hints you’re throwing at him.

Bending over in the halloween costume you ordered off of Akuzon, making sure it was way too small before you hit checkout. You got a Pigwart’s uniform, saying that you must have accidentally bought the kids version, but there is no way in Devildom a skimpy cropped shirt and the shortest, most curve-hugging shorts would be a kids costume.

You don’t make it to that year’s RAD Halloween party, but Soloman promises to bring you back to Devildom for next year’s.

That is if you can make it in the sexy witch costume you were already planning.

Your relationship had first developed when he gave you tips on how to survive as a human in a world of angels and demons, but now he’s giving you tips on how to give him head better.

Not that you need it, he just likes to order you around.

Simeon:

He knows, but he doesn’t act on your overly sexual nature.

It breaks him to watch you beg, so the second you’re making advances, he swallows his embarrassment to pleasure you, reminding himself to pray extra, extra hard that same night.

You’re the one to initiate most of your encounters, running your hands up his arms, poking your fingers under his shirt through the shoulder cuts.

There’s this one song you’ve been listening to lately. A very sexy song. One recommended to you by Asmodeus. You can’t help dancing around whenever its on, feeling yourself like you are that bitch. 

One time you get out of the shower, think fuck it, drop your towel and start the routine you’ve basically got planned out by now. Rolling around on the floor, sticking your ass up, flipping your hair and shaking your thighs so you butt jiggles. 

You were so wrapped up in yourself you don’t notice Simeon sitting at the small desk you usually use for school work, mouth open agape as you give him to most sinful show he’s every seen. 

He had come to help you study, but...

Since when have humans been able to move so elegantly?

He thought you looked like an angel, but the way your sex is reveal to him as you part your legs at one point, there is no God that could approve of what thoughts were running through his head. 

Even though you had fun, you were panting by the end of it, laying on your fluffly carpet and snuggling your face against the comfort as you laugh at yourself. 

That is until you feel the pressure over you as your wrists are pinned above your head. 

“I’m going to hell for this.”

“Love, you’re already here.”

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

[sponfawn]

So @racketballz made a post about how Butch seems to have a hyperfixation in relation to Buttercup. I had a lot of thoughts about this but I didn't wanna derail their post or anything so I cut and pasted the stuff here.

I wrote a long post about Butch's ADHD tendencies awhile ago, and it's sorta related to this one. I'll post the link in a reblog.

Ok, so for my purposes in this Butch + hyperfixation/ADHD post, it's kinda important to understand some of the mechanics behind why we can't focus on some things, yet experience hyperfixation, and what that looks like.

Ppl with ADHD don't have reward centers in the brain that function like neurotypical ppl's. Our reward centers are underactive. This means that it's harder for us to focus on certain things, cuz stuff that might give other ppl just a little feeling of accomplishment to make it worth it, gives us zilch. So when something is fun and interesting to us, we can finally get some of that dopamine and a sense of reward as we work/engage with it and it's easier to do so. When something is boring, it's much harder to ignore other stimuli in order to focus, and our brains go "NOOOOO this is excruciating, do something that makes us feel anything!" This is also why many of us need to listen to music or something in order to focus while doing homework/etc. We can trick our brain by giving it a bit of pleasure, while we do unrewarding but necessary tasks.

When we hyperfocus on something, and work on research or a project for an entire day without food, bathroom, or sleep, it's cuz weve found The Thing that feels extremely rewarding and good. And that's rare for us, so our brains tend to go into overdrive and ignore anything else that's less rewarding (like peeing, hydrating, eating, etc). Hyperfixation often comes with the desire to know everything about the subject of focus, to use all of one's mental resources learning about and experiencing said subject, cuz why would you not want to do that?

So how does this apply to Butch?

When he's not around her or doing anything in relation to her, he's generally bored af. There are times when it gets to the point where Brick considers his boredom dangerous. His interactions with Buttercup are definitely fueled by the reward centers in his brain, and dopamine, making her one of the few things he can really fully focus on, and enjoy doing so. We see this when he first starts trying to get her to fight him. He spends as much of his time as he can trying to piss her off, trying to get a reaction that he knows will make him feel, even if that feeling is just pain and adrenaline. Later, he finds out that other interactions with her (talking, hanging out, etc) also produce dopamine and good feelings, and that becomes a priority for him.

When he felt jealous of Mitch and wanted to know what she was like before the Boys returned, it was largely due to wanting to know the most about her and feeling left out and anxious about that. He realized that others knew sides of her that he didnt at all, and that was really distressing for him.

The thing about hyperfixating on a person that you know, is that their attention is extremely gratifying. In Butch's case tho, when others get more of her attention, it becomes a point of stress and jealousy. Hes also very protective of her and their relationship, as it is a big source of happiness for him (and one of the few non self-destructive ones). When others mess with her or she's in an awkward situation, he's quick to bail her out or rush in to fight alongside her.

I could absolutely see him being able to spend like 10 hours with her without eating or going to the bathroom cuz his brain is just like "nope this is the most important/interesting thing rn, don't do anything else". Like when he went through Mitch's photos and rewatched that video over and over again, even tho it hurt. That was definitely reminiscent of hyperfixation.

Tbh I think he goes further than even Boomer in some ways in terms of attentiveness and adoration of their respective love interests. Boomer is very fixated on Bubbles but consciously, he seems to focus more on how she makes him feel. Of course he wants to make her happy and protect her, but I think he's very much hooked on feeling loved as well. For him, when she's happy he doesn't question it or think about it, he just basks in it. On the other hand, Butch puts a great deal of energy into being sensitive and observant of how Buttercup feels. Part of this is cuz as someone with (headcanon) ADHD, it's hard for him to identify his own emotions and internal experiences. But part of this I think, is cuz he's so hungry for gentle contact and emotional intimacy with her, that he's just scared of spooking her off and ending that interaction. He knows she isn't too big on sharing feelings and quiet touches, so when he gets them, he's very finely attuned to what she wants and is comfy with.

It's so interesting to me, cuz Butch really is highly perceptive of other ppl's feelings and wants. He knows how Brick and Blossom feel about each other from relatively early on. I think maybe even earlier than Bubbles. Due to his (headcanon) issues with rejection sensitive dysphoria (mentioned in my other Butch ADHD post), he's almost always hyper-aware of the (perceived) reactions, feelings, and social cues of the people around him - even strangers. What makes his sensitivity to BC so unique, is the depth of his understanding, but also that he feels she's worth the effort of adjusting his behaviors to accommodate her needs and wants. That's something he doesn't do for anyone else. It's simply not rewarding enough for him to care. He knows what Brick wants from him, and he grudgingly obeys for a finite amount of time to avoid punishment, but he says that disobedience is always worth it. He knows what Blossom wants him to do when she tries to order him around, but he makes a point of doing the opposite. But Buttercup doesn't even need to voice what she needs from him, because he makes the effort to predict those needs and accommodate them. Her comfort and trust is rewarding enough for his reward-deficient brain that he does it without thinking. That's fucking profound.

In the most recent chapter when a guy sexually harasses her, he immediately jumps into throw down mode, even before she does. He reacts as viciously as she does, almost as if he was the one who was violated - except he probly wouldn't even react that strongly on his own behalf. Later that same chapter, only the thought of Buttercup's potential concern could make him stop dangling off the mall's second floor bannister. Racketballz' assessment that he doesn't care that much about himself, that she's his top and possibly only priority is no understatement.

[haurchefantblog]

Aase Camoa

1. Look at her quizzically. You have just started a fight with her.

2. She scoffs at the idea. Soulmates? As if anyone's soul is good enough to permanantly latch to hers. Her sister is her soul mate she doesn't need another.

3. Not paying attention to her, boring her, making her do menial tasks, when someone leaves a tiny bit of food of drink left in a shared container and it is hardly enough for a bite or sip like what kind of heathen?

4. The forest they left permanently was not their first home. They had re established a village in a new forest once the empire decimated their home. She misses her first home. Rainy warm nights laying inside and listening to the rain while Zelda read to her and their brother.

5. She enjoyed many aspects of her childhood. Life was more rough than she cared for but she loved her siblings and her mom most of the time. She also loved when puberty hit. She did not have an awkward stage.

6. When her brother got taken due to archaic and backwards rituals enforced by the elder matriarch of their clan.

7. Lol if she leaves a tavern having had to buy herself a drink she is probably in a very shitty mood. She would only do that if it was for a job and the scions were providing the money adn even then she'd still try to flirt her way out of paying.

8. Hell no. She definitely isn't graceful. That's why she chose warrior as a profession. But she's got a knack for landing and avoiding hits/dodging. It's partially due to her echo.

9. Come HW yes. Lol Mostly her embarrassing infatuation with Ishgard’s highest jumping jester. Other than that, maybe the look on her True Mother’s face when she told her she would be leaving the woods. 

10. Spending time in the trees with Zelda. The birth of their brother. 

11. “I thrive on dysfunction.” She likes people that are either totally wrong for her or challenge her in some way that she feels inclined to beat down. Also they usually have to be slightly less attractive than her but not so ugly that she can’t not be seen with them in public. 

12. Does her hair count? She literally left everything she owned except the clothes on her back when she and Zelda left their colony. 

13. She would NEVER mar her perfect skin are you out of ur mind?

14. She does have some ear piercings and a septum piercing that I maybe draw one day. 

15. To be honest, a treehouse. Somewhere in the woods. She felt suffocated by her colony but she honestly misses the canopy of trees almost every day. lol and if not that a palace with lots of land that she can have a garden and plenty of plant life in.

16. She’s clever. She hides it behind her vanity but she is almost always in the loop and aware of her surroundings and what people are saying. 

17. Gifts? For others? Lol. For Zelda she would put care, for everyone else good luck. 

18. She is proud of anything she does so it’s hard to narrow down. 

19. Vain but with the beauty to back it up. Loud and confident. 

20. Vain. Funny. Loud. Zelda would probably describe her as thoughtful and protective, a little sad with a pure heart. Aase would hate all those descriptions. 

21. No. 

22. I guess it would have to be defense. She IS very protective. She would never admit it to anyone other than Zelda but she’d go hard trying to protect anyone she begrudgingly cares about. Non-physical would be equal parts perception and charisma. Maybe even more perception. She be knowing.

23. Lol Aase herself is a liar. Depending on the lie, she would laugh it off or it would end the relationship right there. She hates lies that are perceived as for “her benefit” bc she thinks she can handle anything so there is no point. 

24. She likes mild weather. Warm with a cool breeze. Cool but slightly humid. She hates extreme weather. High heat or cold? Fuck off.

25. She has said she loves Zelda and her brother and never admitted it to anyone else even in the colony. She has never been in love she thinks and never will bc she is too good for everyone. She does enjoy other people telling her they love her tho.

26. What worries? You have to care to have worries. She shares EVERYTHING with Zelda though. And eventually a certain idiot who worms his way into her heart despite all odds and objections. 

27. Yes. She’s killed. She doesn’t care for it but also sees it as necessary sometimes. She will not handle HF’s death well bc that will be the first time she loses anyone she cares about. 

28. Do not fucking touch her ears. Also her butt but lol she does let some people touch that. 

29. High, and if she’s in pain you will not hear her admitting it. She will have to pass out before she lets u know she’s hurt. 

30. No she pretty much does anything she wants all the time and it’s a constant source of stress and amusement for others. 

31. She eats pretty daintily. 

32. Their clan elder/leader “First Mother” often said she was good for nothing but trouble and would never amount to anything. She made Aase feel unloved quite a bit growing up until Aase finally just stopped caring. 

33. Zelda, following her when she left the Colony. 

34. Vision. To never see herself in the mirror again? Tragic. 

35. She’s great at talking about herself/bullshitting but she will rarely feel inclined to small talk for the sake of social norms. 

36. She would ask her mother where they sent their brother off to. She would ask First Mother if she ever loved her...no she wouldn’t. Her pride wouldn’t allow it.

37. Lol Viera have long lives she doesn’t need to travel into the future she will just live it. If she could travel to the past she would go back to the night her broher was taken and stop it. 

38. Zelda has had the biggest impact on her life. Regardless of positive or negative there would be no Aase if there was no Zelda. 

39. Aase will always need people around to tell her how beautiful she is. Living alone doesn’t nearly give you as much gratification. 

40. Meeting Hraesvelgr really scared her. It was more of an awe type fear, a fearful respect. To meet something so ancient. Old shit scares her she doesn’t want to be old. 

[mikkock]

HELLO I ADORE YOUR OCS SO MUCH WILL YOU TELL ME ABOUT KAI HE LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL "YOUR DAUGHTER CALLS ME DADDY TOO" DOUCHEBAG AND I FUCKING LOVE HIM AND WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT HIM

LBLMVBGK THANK U OMG love it when ppl like my kids, im a proud dad rn

ALSO wrow congrats on ur on point analysis, cause, that’s the Essence Of His Being (fun fact since i got two characters who go by the name of kai -cause fuck that basic writing tip that says ‘dont have two characters named the same thing- i usually refer to him as The Bad Kai cuz he a bad bitch)

so lets unwrap that dude shall we uwu 

SO this dude was created when i realised my story didnt have antagonists so i made a bunch of Bad People and then they all became good people after i started giving them more personnality somehow eXCEPt him for some reason, the only survivor of the “everyone will be baby” plague, the only rude bitch in this house, the only guy who’s still on the dark grey side of morally grey...but tbh im in love with him cause he’s an asshole and im an idiot so like.

His base concept was basically something along the lines of “fuckboy but make it Couture”, like douchebag indeed But Gotta Be Fancy at being one, gotta add a pinch of Sneaky Bitch in the pot. His aesthetic is Chillin, gettin in ur pants, then moving on for some more chillin and more pants. So if you’re into some funky sexy time with no pressure and no ties, ya gon get along, your goals meet, time to have fun.

All that is supported by his charisma, cause unless ya got some nasty history, he’ll just look like that charming bad-boy “oho hot dude with a dangerous but not agressive” vibed person, and he’s quite a sweet-talker. He’s probs not only the ‘your daughter calls me daddy’ kind but also ‘and so will YOU, i’m scoring with the whole family and you wont stop me (and you wont WANT to stop me)’ 

He got that handsome ppl priviledge ya feel

but also, he wouldnt be a rude guy if he was just the ‘i enjoy chill frick-fracking and im just so sexy that no one can say no to that booty’ guy

Dude got quiiite some spite-fueled ego and Does Not Take losing well, and will not, in fact, let himself lose on any objective he has, and when that objective is A Person, he gets ugly. Being good at sweet talking also means being good at small stuff like “not saying exactly the truth always when it would be more beneficial not to”, “deliberately using euphemistic, ambiguous or obscure language so to mask wrong doings and technically saying the truth but in such a way that it becomes completely masked by a thick fog of bullshit”, and “use words and behaviour in general to influence others unscrupulously so to get something in return”. Even a little “playing with their perception in order to make them doubt in their thoughts and selves”. In short dude got no qualms about using all the tools of manipulation available if it means that he comes on top (or on bottom if the goal was getting an assful eeeeeey we’re masters of comedy here) It tends to be all for short term results tho, so not much your ‘boyfriend who convinces you you’re nothing without him” and more of a “you thought you were dating but only you were thinking that as he always kept it just vague enough to have you not official yet convinced of his and now you’re blaming yourself for believing you were together”

master of getting ass, also master of Ugly Ass Breakups, and master of suddenly dissapearing from your life so hard that you wonder if it was just your imagination all along (he got ugly past with a bunch of other ocs especially he’s ex boyfriend with two that are now together cause i dig that sort of drama the sAME dUDe gave u the trust issues that held u from going full lovey dovey ? i fucking lIVE off that kinda shit wait until he pops back like ‘oho hello fancy seeing YOU TWO here my two fave exes together incredible what a small world”)

Though I have to rework on all that cause that backstory is oLD AS SHIT (like prolly i built it in what, 2016? ew ugly) I had that stem from some sort of neglect-fueled inferiority complex. I had given him a kinda cold family with a bunch of siblings who got Way More Nurtured due to their respective talents and achievements, having him left behind and feeling like he got nothing. SO that’s basically the explanation as of today but i dont like iiiiit anymooooore so I’ll have to work on it to make it something i dig, cause idk, bitch feels flat so far.

BUT i do intend on keeping the whole concept of ~Loneliness~, and of him working alone and quite hard for anything he gets. And the general need of proving himself that had come from the WIP backstory. I don’t exactly see him as an overachiever at all, but definitly as an obstinate and persevering hardworking guy, because “Look YALL I WAS aBLE TO DO THIS YALL THOUGHT I COULDNT HUH YALL LOOK DOWN ON ME well fuck u cause idc im better than u now also ur mum’s into bondage i kno from experience bye”. So tbh pair up with him for group projects, you’ll be sure his share of the work will be done (but also if you dont do yours then he’s probably going to be a bITCh about it, no remorse in leaving blank slides in the middle of the powerpoint and then loudly proclaiming ‘OH RIGHT This was supposed to be Kevin’s part but I suppose he never sent it to me, despite the numerous reminders i sent him, no big deal, no hard feelings, its ok sweetie we all sometimes feel too lazy i forgive u :)” )

Also he’d be Chill to hang out with for like, parties, nights out at the bar, that kinda shit. He definetly has some beans to spill about quite some people, he gathers the goss as he gathers lovers (i was gonna end that in “as he spreads legs” but it sounded too PG-18 for this good Well Behaved family friendly blog) and Will Not stay tight lipped, and Will be a bitch when trashtalking people, and It Will Be Entertaining as it always is when you’re hearing about crazy exes and you’ve had some beers. 

Now trivia that idk where else to write cause idk i stupid or more like disorganised :

- he digs red ale beer like if ya wanna win him over with the appropriate alcohol offer there u go

- he’s a fake blonde (cause my hobby is painting regrowth roots on hair)

- his design is a mixture of those 3dgy denim boys u see on pinterest and the specific brand of fuckboys that are french-L-section-chic-grunge-hipster-fuckboys (L section is like a branch of highschool)(that word combo is a so specific kinda guy)(its kinda like a softboi but more arrogant but in a lowkey way)(also they rich)(but he’s not rich so guess that should make him Less Arrogant)

-im constantly dead afraid of giving him more characteristics and story or whatveer cause he’s the only meanie i got left and i do Not want him to stop being an asshole but everytime i develop a character they end up nice or redeemed or whatever and i wanna keep him a bitch so i neglect him (just like his parents in his 2016 version wow)

he smokes (prolly started quite early to Be Kool and now relies on it for stress relief)

he’s outspoken and extraverted and prolly the guy who had a lot to say when you were doing debates in class (there’s always that person who has a Lot to argument about)(its him) but outside of a Set and Defined debate structure he probably doesnt give his mind voraciously 

he’s a law student and despite saying he’s the one bad guy left he probably wont be a corrupt lawyer or judge or whatever like come on he will do his job properly he worked hARD FOR THIS justice may be served

he’s not the kind to openly hate or even dislike anyone cause what’s the point of wasting your energy on that? its much funnier to him to be obnoxiously Neutral with someone and basically ignore them but still strike them with some Spikes of passive-agressive comments, let them be Mad at your calmness

he’s 177cm tall (that’s like 5.8 according to google)

honestly if you’re bros with him he’s fun to be with the being a jerk is completly coincidental 

he probably ranks high in the list of “those criminals who steal big lighters from their friends” 

i think at a point his design had tattoos but i forgot the designs of those so now he doesnt anymore

a dog person

i think ive run out of facts (or my brain dead) so im leavin with a shirtless pic cause my hobby is drawing tits

in short, charming asshole who can get ugly, secretly feels lonely and small, works hard for himself, better have him as a friend than as a foe though probably not the most frontally agressive enemy, and also, your booty, hand it over.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[fairyfaee]

Me

I

You

Us

We all have interesting ways of being, I admire humans of course.

Even if some of ya’ll stupid bitches 🙄it’s okay we all be like that 😂

Just as long as you learn from your mistakes and grow into who you want to be. I feel like we should all stop worrying and work towards being the best versions of ourselves, it takes a lot to grow and wake up and decide to change yourself, but it’s worth it. Sometimes all you really need is love from yourself and sometimes the universe will teach you self love in harsh ways but it gets the job done I say. We all have things to learn, things to forgive about ourselves and others

So self consumed in our own lives, I see how many people make social media such a extension of themselves and get so locked up in it. When In all truth, all of this has no value. No worth.. it has its pro���s and con’s.

But it’s not life. It’s not a person. Or a animal. It’s not the earth.

Just a little distraction that people get so worried about and so stuck too. Such phone faces

But that’s okay, just forget about phones. Forget about what people think of u. Forget abt what u look like in the mirror, sometimes phones and society standards create such altered perception of ourselves, filled with such insecurities

Just a bunch of bs tbh. Haha, why worry? Why stress? Why trip? Like what tf. Lmao

People just gotta realize themselves tho, meet themselves, heal themselves and fix they shit cause no one else will do it 👏

Someone hates you

Someone loves you

Someone admires you

Someone envy’s you

It doesn’t matter

I mean the love matters tho, keep that and watch for that always cherish real love. Healing love, growing love, appreciate people who will always be open to growing and healing with you.

But sometimes we need to leave people’s lives to create more growth. And that’s okay

Be grateful for everything you have, because someone out there wishes they had it too.

Everyone’s trying to be a person, give yourself a break and be considerate of everyone else

Everyone’s different, going through different phases of their own life and sometimes people really don’t know shit abt ppl.

I know for a fact no one really knows a lot about me, but I’m content with that

I’d rather have it like that tbh.

I have such a healing relationship with myself,

But in order for me to have such a relationship with myself I noticed I had to come from a place of hating myself to grow into loving myself.

I appreciate what I’ve done and no one knows how fucking hard I fought to be here today. That’s why I don’t let anyone treat me like shit or give me weird bad vibes.

Because I’ve shown myself my worth and I stand strong in my strength, IDGAF.

I can’t let anyone ever repeat the past again.

Because if they think they can I’ll surely show them without even having to do much.

Cause sometimes you really just have to be there for yourself and know when to set a boundary and put your foot down.

I use my voice because I grew up with it taken away from me multiple times. My voice is my power, and what I have to say is worth it. Because I make sure Cheyenne has her shit together and working on what she has to work on because I’m the only bitch that can do that for myself.

And I promised to myself I’d never let that shit happen again to make up for my inner child, damn I probably be laying a lot down on here but that’s okay

Maybe sometimes we all just need a good rant.

[shriracha]

Best speeches so far were unexpectedly made by mother and bestie from Prague 😅

Mother's about saying to his mother that I don't plan to marry him, we just hang out (they were not against hanging out before). And maybe I'll get tired of him eventually and drop him when he does not expect 🥰 oh sweet revenge! It totally worth licking up to his mother. Well maybe I will not and we will be good, but I'm fuckibg tired really, and I don't want to wait till he decides to break up again. I wanna fucking hurt him as he hurt me. Anyway, I don't want to give up now, it's banal and boring. Hehey we live once, I didn't do much (relationship) mistakes in youth (cause I didn't have relationships) so I guess my time is now!

And bestie reassured me that he may actually loves me, it's just he is hysterical person who can't handle emotions well, so he rushes to hastily decisions (she says she is like that so she understands him). OK but I'm still hurt that his decisions eventually hurt me the most. He hastily decided to move out from his mother, tho no one urged him to do that, and now relatives blame him for deteriorating mother's health, so he hastily decides to break up with me. In the end, it's me who always gets short hand of stick, and I'm tired.

This is what I call spineless- he is so consumed by negative emotions so he can't think and act reasonably. He promises a lot, but he doesn't hold up to his promises. This is one thing I barely can tolerate about him. I was dubious about his morals, but his mental fragility and readiness to sacrifice relationship without prior analysis is what makes me to almost stop loving him.

Even if we get along again, I can not imagine myself being silent about it. I want to tell him what I think about it. I know he will not like it, and his only conclusion (that would affect me) would be that it's better get out of relationship - because he is being a bad guy there, and he feels bad for that, and when he feels bad, he thinks about suicide, and when he thinks about suicide, he yeets out - but I know myself better now. I will eventually say it, sooner or later (ofc better later if! things will calm down).

Sometimes I think that I should have been taking better care of him - to not let him avoid visits to mother, to speak up about wanting to be accepted by his mother more (not just when things are ugly). And it's not fair to blame only him, because he is not a person who can argue when he is being blamed. He does not critically analyze when he receives a sermon, and he can not make up contra points, even if they really exist and valid. But it's so tiring AND SO UNUSUAL for me to think constantly about where I have been wrong. I can ponder after the emotional burst of his, but not when at time when I'm annoyed. I can point out arguments against people who are blaming him, but not when I'm the one blaming him. But I don't think it's fair to me to do the analysis from both POVs. Or maybe it's fair, because he doesn't blame me for anything, but instead goes straight to yeeting - which I extremely don't like. Ugh, it's hard. I'm already at limit of trying to be considerate and not asking him for much - and now I think it's not enough and i should not expect anything to be done by him, and I should care whether decisions that he is making my himself won't be hurtful to him, or would hurt his close ones and he will feel bad because of this, and if his decisions will hurt him (and then inevitably me), I need to persist to make him review his decisions, even if in closest approximation his decisions would benefit me more. Isn't it tooooo much? Like, it kinda seems reasonable, because he is just like that, and if i love him and want to be with him- I need to be more perceptive and persistent, but also not overdo and do not stress him, cause he is so fuckibg fragile vase and I'm deeply loving dumbo. But does he worth my love? One of the reason I like him is that it's comfortable around him. But having all these in mind is not comfortable at all. And well - he surely is amazing and cute guy, interesting and blah blah, but he has also lower morals, he is impulsive, he is prone to violence (though he wasn't violent to me, but it still a bad flag), he aims to many grand projects without making at least one to the end, he tends to gain fat, he rarely helps with house chores (and if we would live with his mother I'm sure he won't do anything and I'll do 3x of what be both did before), he forgets about tasks I asked to do repeatedly, and again- he first makes promises I wasn't asking for, but does not fulfill it, and it's a very very bad sign to me. Kinda ok with others, but the last is a very huge thing to me. And all that add to the fact that his emotionality is a huge pain in ass - blah this doesn't worth it (but revenge still does).

[selfaffirmations]

I’m willing to work on things, but this is the most severely physically abusive relationship I have been in so far in my short twenty some years. My SO gave me a concussion, among other injuries last week. This is the 3rd time he has gotten physical with me. The reason why is a previous transgression and problem we had with me in the beginning of our relationship. however, I have always been open and honest and I try not to come at my partner with anger if I have an issue with something.  I can hear him and understand how he feels about why he feels that way towards me. However, that never fucking excuses anyone to put their hands on you. If I made him feel bad for so long, he should really break it off. It’s hard to let go and I cling on when he is running away. Half the time I don't let him run away is why I get hurt. I should respect his boundary of leaving and having alone time, however he enacts this behavior at horrible times and just causes high stress scenes. he has fucking issues and skewed ways of thinking. When he is angry and has been drinking a little bit, all of his real feelings and thoughts come out. He could have broken my fingers. He spit in my face twice. oh yeah not to forget that because someone else ‘got to degrade me, I get to degrade you,’ even tho I willingly did stuff w/ him in that moment and honestly don’t feel any way about that because I wasn’t forced even tho he obvi sounds like a POS saying stuff like that and asking to do that. and if that’s how he wants to do me, why would he want to call me ‘his.’ what kind of man would honestly say, ‘yeah, she loves to be degraded, and I love to degrade her, that’s my woman.” I think he is just trying to belittle me to try and make him feel bigger. for calling me a narcissist a million times, he sure seems like one. he calls his dad one and just about everyone else in his family, so hmmm, sounds like the shoe fits. I just don't know how I keep getting myself into these shitty relationships after being in one abusive one. I obviously already know everyone will think I am crazy for even still being with the asshole. I wish there was more rhetoric on intimate partner abuse and rehabilitating together. That is if the abuser is open to see how fucked up their thinking is and getting therapy. I talked about a batterer intervention program. Which he said he would do for me. Surprisingly. Because my other two abusive ex’s never really would admit fault EVER at all. I would have to beg the first one for apologies, and the second one just dragged me through hell and back for 2 months until I cut it off.  I don’t feel right. I wish I could. I wish I could somehow feel okay and have any kind of hope that I could make it with him. If not, I need to stop fighting it. It will be hard, but I will be okay alone.  I am mostly worried about my concussion’s symptoms, as I have had sleep disturbances since and I can feel my head hurts. Like my skull. I’m going to really be focusing on me and my health. Even if I am still with him, I can’t give anymore enery to another high stress event like that .If he is going to give me problems, I just have to let go. he knows what he did is wrong, even if is ego does fight him a little and I can hear it. He would cry and say sorry and say he knows it was wrong and that this can’t happen again. Then he gets irritable and defensive, because “yea I might have beat u up but you beat my heart up.” Maybe I was emotionally abusive to him in the begging with how I handled my situation. I still didn’t sit there and degrade his entire being and have always been open to working on things/communicating about problems. Actual healthy communication, not screaming at my face about how much of a piece of shit I am because I don't do this and that at my age. Another problem why this even lead here was because he couldn’t be a man and say he didn’t want me to do or not go somewhere. Instead, he likes to play these mind games of ,” Do what you think is best.” bullshit. Or you could just be straight up with me and tell me what you want and how you would feel if something went one way or another.  He’s put me through other tests as he says, like bringing up meeting certain people to see how I would react. During this last fight he pretty much went insane and I let him go through my phone, and he was asking me about past transgression of my ex relationships, even with rebounds. He attacks and degrades me for shit that has nothing to do with him and happened before I ever knew of his existence. I don’t sit there and say I’m going to go hunt out info from all his ex flings. He also tries to always say this shit comparing to his first real relationship. Not that it was rainbows and sunshine, in fact, he fucking hates her. But he loves to tell me, “She was never this bad, or I never treated her like that even.” To imply, ‘Look how bad this girlfriend of mine was, and you know all about it. Yet, you’re fucking worse than that.” I hate abusive men. They are really good at manipulating you. I didn’t even realize all of his fucked up ways of manipulation and controlling me until I thought of how he speaks to me when he is angry. And I realized, I haven’t once done that type of shit to him. if I ever do, it is in response and retaliation to his degradation of my character. I do it a little bit, because I try so hard to work on shit and he just sits there and shits on me, so you start acting the same as they are treating you. 

I feel so fucking stupid, We might have been fine had I not done the shit I did. He made a mistake in the beginning too, not of the same nature and probably not affecting us the same way but it was still something I could have used against him like how he uses this against me. I new there was a point to forgive and move one, and he acts like he is there but then it all comes back up and shows me he hasn’t forgiven shit.  I will be alone forever if end up breaking up. I am done giving myself to any boys. I don’t need them. I need me. I need to work on my life and make sure all aspects are in order before I bring in a MAN. Because if I will ever need anything of the male species, it will be a MAN over a boy.  If you read this, and reply to me or anything. If someone has any kind of success story of healing together. I would love to hear it. I feel so lost. I’m in limbo. But also weirdly emancipated from my co-dependency (obviously not fully since i’m still in a relationship). I feel I am going to definitely be doing my best to put me first from now on in all situations. Not selfishly, but just in a healthy way. I don’t even care about the outcome of my relationship right now. I just want to be healthy and happy. If that’s with my SO or not, so be it. I won’t have someone doing this to me every few months. I won’t get myself trapped before I get in too deep and have another incident. If I ever get to a point where I know it will be going forward or backward, I will probably have to make damn fucking sure I won’t go through this bullshit again. I know most people will say it is unlikely. But I think if therapy is involved, which I am leaning toward, will help. 

In the meantime, I just have to remind my self not to internalize ANYTHING that was said or done to me. That has nothing to do with me, it is my SO’s fucking problem with his behavior, attitudes, perceptions, coping mechanisms and mental illness if there are any. He likes to self project a lot too and says all this shit to me that oddly sounds like HIM! I just remember the words he says reflects him and not me.  Whatever powers that may be, so help me. help this universe. help these disturbed, skewed thinking males (and females that are like this). help the victims that get stuck in these god forsaken cycles. I pray for or send good energy towards any woman that has to deal with this fear, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, loss, etc.  His way of thinking will not become my inner voice. 

I am worthy

I am modest.

I try my best.

I deserve to be loved and respected. 

I deserve to be happy. 

I deserve to feel safe and secure. 

I am not better than anyone and no one is better than me. All I am and can be, is better than what I was the day before.  I love myself. From the outside, in. 

[choriocytosicinquisitor-blog]

DENNAB: -After peddling around Skaia, it's time for Dennab to head back to his makeshift studio. If there's no room for it in his dorm, Dennab has definitely shanghai'd an empty storage room for it. But first, a visit to the showers probably. He slinks.- KAVI: =HOLD IT. He needs tom TLC with his baby. He's glad Den got out today, that he was exploring around and getting some air. After looking for him a big he meets him in the hall and just.... drapes on the wall= hey there.... :point_right: ;) DENNAB: -He should have known Kavi was stalking him a lil. Den stops in his tracks, taking a second to process this. And the dismay that follows soon afterwards.- SHIT. i forgot to tell you i was gettin' close to bein' done. KAVI: no man it's cool just checkin up on ya, seein how you are and what not DENNAB: uh... guess i'm cool. -If you call rattling at himself for two weeks, living on nothing but microwave burritos, gatorade, and a handful of sleep hours.- almost done with the paintin' like, i said. DENNAB: ... DENNAB: now it's shower time, lol. totes eventful. -leans by the wall also. Fingers toying with a cheese stick like he can't get over the twitches. It's been a time for him.- you????(edited) Mishroom - Yesterday at 8:24 PM KAVI: =he's gonna try to approach him and touch his arm, pets and soothes= KAVI: well.... i'm glad you're good..... mind if i join you then?... low stress chill KAVI: been hangin with Nellie and Auryhn, doin shows, uh, some... other stuff we can talk about later DENNAB: -looks at him with the tired eyes, acting as if the affections weren't being absorbed like liquid fire into his skin. So thirsty for it.- i'm down for the low stress stuff. DENNAB: ... -falls quiet and then just struts off. Leading the way to the dorm room.- what kinda stuff? KAVI: well. for one you look like you need a hug and several naps... are you hungry babe? =maybe he should've hounded him a bit more= KAVI: or... do you wanna get away? we can go to my mom's place... vannylociraptor - Yesterday at 11:24 PM DENNAB: -rubs at his face and shakes his head. HHH, full body shake.- nah, i ate already. i'm good!!!! DENNAB: i just want a shower... or whatever. -they get to the dorm room and Dennab peeks, wondering if Satomi was home. It didn't look like she was.- KAVI: ok... =watches him and rubs his shoulder... Satomi didn't seem present which was good.= we'll just shower and chill out yeah? KAVI: =He looks over Dennab and... usually he felt like he could help him. That he had a handle on most things but right now he wasn't so sure... he still knows Dennab of course but. Some things you don't know how to help= you wanna talk about anything? DENNAB: -lets the both of them in. As Kavi can see, his side of the room looks scarcely used...- nah, it's just... one of those things??? i don't know what's on my mind except just. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. FUCKERY. DENNAB: -makes his way to the bathroom.- let's talk about you instead. KAVI: if you're sure man... =watches him more. Observing him and his side of the room.= KAVI: uh... well, like i said i've been chilling with Nellie and Auryhn a bunch KAVI: me and Nel got like a spa thing we're gonna do tomorrow also, oh, lol KAVI: so, i was out and about today right and i see Auryhn doin his like.... mountain man fuckin hackity swordy swing exercises KAVI: and then Jareth is there doing his thing too, long story short there was a shady sword deal and he was like, at Jareth, i'll get you a sword if you wanna trade for some clothes for me and my main man Kavzizzle lol.... KAVI: =gets out his Space Jammies and pokes at Dennab's stuff.... where's he been if this room hasn't been used= vannylociraptor - Yesterday at 11:45 PM DENNAB: -Painting vigorously... he twitches and shifts on his feet, gathering up his stuff for a bath.- sounds like you been busy as HELL. but i mean?? that's good??? wish i could have been there. DENNAB: be there. or-- yeah. -shuffles into the bathroom, avoiding looking at Kavi.- it sounds fun. KAVI: yeah.... you should come hang KAVI: uh, we can do like regular lunches and shit =Follows him, eyeballing the twitches= get everyone together... DENNAB: i think i'm good lookin' at all the status updates and SHIT first. -Oh. That came out more biting than he intended. Fucking... the regret sets on him immediately as he stops in his tracks. Wringing his towel.- i'd just ruin your fun, bro. KAVI: =Yeah.. that was a bite and not the good kinda either. Kavi walks around to Dennab's front and tries to take the hands wringing the towel= KAVI: no.... you wouldn't KAVI: =sighs= man KAVI: i dunno, shit's.... stressful and crazy KAVI: you can't lock yourself away though that's bad news bro KAVI: we can be doin shit together, we can go hang out and see sights and there's tons of fun here DENNAB: -He doesn't fight Kavi taking the towel from his hands but... the general kind and patient way he did it was more than enough to bring a stinging wetness to Dennab's eyes. It was more than he ever treated himself. His hands drop to his sides.- DENNAB: but why tho?? what's the point? if i end up feelin' like i'm just holdin' you back??? you deserve... to be out there????? hangin' out and laughin' and singin' and preformin' not-- DENNAB: waitin' around for me to get my SHIT together and come out and be there for you???????? DENNAB: or feel like-- no. KNOW you could be doin' so much better than me??? he's right there in front of me! he's been there, i FUCKIN' know he has! KAVI: no, no you're not holdin me back.... Den-- =he furrows his eyebrows= what?? KAVI: babe, no. it's not... nothing is a competition? you need me so i want to be here and i want to help you work through this i just-- i dunno what, to-- i want to be here for you DENNAB: i know!!! that's why i know it's not your FUCKIN' problem! it's not fair of me to think it or say it or ANYTHIN' cuz it's not my goddamn RIGHT. i should be happy but i'm not!!!!!!!! -His face just screws up even more. Copper streaks down his cheeks and ears pinned, he's gross in the face and knows it.- DENNAB: i'm just BATSHIT wantin' you to only pay attention to me and want me even tho i'm just??? me????? what the FUCK is so great about me??? who do i think i am?????? DENNAB: i only want you but like??? how the FUCK is any of this fair??????? it's not! i'm the one doin' this to you! KAVI: =makes a bit of a face but tries to keep talking, abandoning the towel to hold Dennab's hands= Den, look at me KAVI: you are so, fucking, important. you are, you're so goddamn good dude i know who you are! KAVI: you're nice and thoughtful and you got so much fuckin love to give but you also kick your own ass a lot and you... you're hurt okay? but that's-- KAVI: it's, we can, i..... i want, we can compromise? KAVI: spend more time together which is the fuckin ideal lol.... right? =Looks over his face hopeful, maybe that could help... maybe it was enough to ease him a little= DENNAB: why? -pitiful and tearful.- i love that... you make anywhere you're at your own. i'm not goin' anywhere, i just... DENNAB: can't stand that i'm the one tellin' you that you can't. -rubs his eyes, head hanging low. Unable to meet the hopeful look on Kavi's face- you can't fix me. i ain't gonna stop. even when i have it good, i find a way to ruin it. DENNAB: that's not... fair.... that's not what you deserve... Mishroom - Today at 12:47 AM KAVI: =He just searches Dennab's face, expression falling into worry and edging on hurt and desperation= i.... don't i get to decide that? KAVI: i get to chose what's good for me or what i deserve or whatever the fuck i-- so, maybe if i can't wait-- fuck no, KAVI: you don't HAVE to be fixed! KAVI: you're so fucking good you're so good, Dennab you are so goddamn good! KAVI: i'm not LETtING you ruin a goddamn thing DENNAB: -he flares back, similarly hurt and desperate and feeling so awful for it. The worst.- so, what we just??????????? DENNAB: pretend like aurhyn ain't been wantin' to put the moves on you since before we started bein' a thing???? he's moon over the FUCKIN' mountains for you!!!!! and like why wouldn't he be?????? he was the one bein' a threat enough that i thought-- FUCK. DENNAB: i'm never goin' to see kavi around after this! how long's it gonna be before he takes off and forgets about me too??? how FUCKED up is that to think before jumpin' into datin' someone????? it's wrong, kavi! it's really, really wrong! KAVI: i.... =Oh.... he just... frowns at that....... not sure if Dennab meant that how he said it....  That he was just kind of jumping ship on people and latching onto other people.= KAVI: =That he just left and forgot about Sapire and that he might do the same thing to him= ....n... no KAVI: i, KAVI: wouldn't do that to you KAVI: i love you and i just.. want us to be OKAY =he's tearing up but its not about him but maybe he is being too much of a flirt. His mind racing while he tries to shift things about= no, i'm KAVI: we're okay KAVI: it's okay, we're okay we can fix it DENNAB: we shouldn't... HAVE to FUCKIN' fix it if it wasn't broken to start with???????? -He feels choked up, immobile on the spot to be the one doing this. Saying these things. It's a knife to the bloodpusher.- there's nothin'... FUCKIN' wrong with you, kav. KAVI: .. yes there IS i'm not, you know i'm not.. i fucking..... STAY in my head all the time! i-i get so fucked up on my anxiety and stupid fucking peer perceptance that i end up in some shitty expectation spiral and when i fuckin break that i flip my shit??? KAVI: i don't, i'm not PERFECT, i fuckin need to, i can't, i don't =He's crying now, lip shaking= i'm a fuckin TRY HARD and i'm good at it and i fuckin, flirt too fuckin much and that DOESN'T HELP KAVI: I have problems too we're BOTH in the shit DENNAB: when the FUCK is flirtin' too much an issue??? it's not! HOLY FUCK. DENNAB: the issue is you tryin' hard and just tryin' makes you like???? eons of FUCKIN' good and great and maybe not perfect????? DENNAB: but good!!!! -rubs his hands into his hair aggressively, muscling through the brunt of the heartache.- it ain't no surprise people are drawn to you. i mean, i was??? am????? currently am bein'???? KAVI: it's not good it's fucki- what... what do i have to DO? =He sniffs and just opens his arms he wants to make things like they are. He wants them to be like they were, he didn't want to lose Dennab he COULDN'T lose him= KAVI: i just... i want us how we are... i want, tell me what the fuck i have to do i don't want, to- KAVI: ..what can i do for you? DENNAB: i don't want it either but???? how the FUCK do we make somethin' like this work?? -It's not a question at Kavi but to themselves. Each other.- maybe we just don't..... focus on it??? DENNAB: we just... -vague gestures before dropping his hands down in defeat.- don't do the romance thing a while?? see how like.... DENNAB: that works out for us. if we end up workin' out then we do and if not, then... DENNAB: it just goes back to how it was. before we started mackin' and SHIT. cuz that was like... -rubs his arm, expressioned pained.- never more important than just. DENNAB: plain lovin' you. KAVI: =There's a lot of pain to go around... he feels a heavy hurt in his chest and he knows.... they. It's not forever. It's, maybe it just needs to be some time to calm down.. it could be helpful for Dennab. It might help him. Maybe being the other way was better... still that doesn't make it hurt any less= KAVI: =He's crying but he nods anyway and just. Sucks it back up. He just takes a breath and shoves it down and nods again= i... yeah, i uh.. KAVI: yeah.... just, bein there KAVI: that's more, that's more important.... uh... i'm still. here KAVI: for anything, everything i'm still here.. DENNAB: -he's gotta touch him then, or at least pull him into a groudy hug. What with the lack of a shower and all. He smells heavily of corn chips and dried paint.- DENNAB: -none of this stops him from burying in face right into his hair.- i'm sorry this is all such... DENNAB: (fuck shit.) KAVI: =It's such a good smell.... it's a smell he's come to love. It's Dennab and being so close to him and wrapped up in it just makes him want to start crying again. His hands come to Dennab's sides then to his back where he clings hard= KAVI: no...just...it'll be ok KAVI: =buries his face in Dennab's shoulder= (... it can help... but it's definitely fuck shit) DENNAB: -easily lifts this soft bara with all his wiry strength, just to hug him even closer. Always stronger than he looks.- i FUCKIN' love you from the whole goddamn moons and back. all of them sumava BITCHES moons. KAVI: =HUP, there he goes and that does get him to smile a little. Giving Dennab a good squeeze= hah, i love you too, so much okay? =He really wants him to know that... that he was worth so much but... ugh. Maybe he shouldn't dwell on it so much= DENNAB: yeah baby doll. -scritches a hand into the back of his hair.- i know.

[fairycosmos]

hello mutual ~ im am a baby so i will stay anon but you are the one person here that i think will help. I did the thing i thought was right, but it was stupid. i confessed to smoking and now im “banned” and grounded for a few weeks. weed just helps so much, with my anxiety and irritibality and it was a really good crutch because im at a point where i dont enjoy much (as in i cant find anything to make me happy 🙃) im just really fucking sad and obviously regretful but i feel like such an idiot

hey man, don’t say that. you’re not an idiot just for trying to cope, and you’re obviously still very young so you’re going to do things that you regret - it’s how you mature. beating yourself up about it now isn’t going to change anything, and it’s not going to make the situation any better. doing what you think is right and then having it turn out wrong is literally one of the most inevitable things ever, and it’s going to happen over n over again as you grow up. tbh i totally get where you’re coming from because i started smoking when i was 14 and it helped with my anxiety and stuff but at the same time i’d really really recommend waiting until you’re a little older before you do it regularly. weed isn’t exactly a harmful drug in most cases, but your brain is still developing and in the long run it’s going to make your anxiety worse + stop you from reaching your full potential. that’s what it did for me n a lot of people i know who started smoking heavily when they were young - it’s simply not worth it. you don’t need it right now, especially when there are so many others ways to find that sort of outlet. finding what works best for you and what calms you down might take a little while, but there are so many different things you can look into/try out. your anxiety isn’t some sort of monster, it’s something that can be controlled. i get that you feel like you only have one option, but just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s true. your anxiety is clouding your perception of everything, and making you believe things that aren’t based in rationality/reality. and honestly, i understand that it’s shitty to have your parents be so disappointed in you, but they’re not going to hold it against you forever. this is something that you’re going to be able to move past, something that is ultimately quite manageable. if you feel comfortable with telling your parents about your anxiety, even if you think they don’t want to hear it, then i’d really recommend doing so. at the end of the day they care about you, and you genuinely don’t have to fight this alone (tho obviously if they’re abusive or something i can’t recommend that, but if not just know that it’s okay to tell them how you’re feeling, you have a right to ask for help if you need it.) you don’t need to hide what you’re going through from them, you can talk to them - they’ve been through it themselves, and even though it might feel a little awkward it really will make your worries feel a little less intense.

and even if telling them isn’t an option, you’d be surprised to know how many people can relate to exactly what you’re going through right now, and how many resources there are out there that will help you. it sounds like bullshit, but it’s not. you are not a lost cause, and there is no reason for you to give up on yourself. you are a lot younger than you realize, and you don’t need to have it all figured out just yet. i have so much belief in you, so much certainty in your ability to do what’s best for your own mindset. when it comes down to it, if you actively seek ways to make your mental health a priority in your life, then you will notice positive results in time. whether it’s by talking to a school counselor, or making an appointment with your actual doctor - either one is a really solid place to start. they’ll be able to offer some better coping techniques and tips on how to manage it when it’s all too much. yeah, it’s a process. and yes, it can be scary and odd to think about talking to someone and drawing attention to yourself/your anxiety, but you have to to know on a really deep and fundamental level that it’s going to improve the quality of your life eventually. force yourself to care about what happens to you, look out for yourself as much as you can. remember, anxiety is an actual disorder and in a lot of cases it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, you know? if it’s seriously impacting your life and your overall happiness, then you DO have the control to reach out, even if your mind is telling you that you’re powerless and weak. you need to take your mental health as seriously as you take your physical health, because it’s really just as important. i get that all of this is a lot easier said than done, dude. and i’m not i’m not saying that you have to make any big decisions right now - fighting this is going to take time and effort and some days it may feel like you’re losing the battle, but as long as you are trying then you are doing more than enough. you are going to be alright. i’m not gna put any more pressure on you to talk to someone, but i hope you know that the option is there and that it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you’re expecting it to be. don’t write the idea off before you’ve even tried it, because it’s really one of the best alternatives to smoking/unhealthy coping mechanisms. you need to find the root causes of why you feel the way that you do before you can truly face it, you know? but whatever you decide, try to remember that you are dealing with something that is very very painful and hard, and that the fact that you are getting up each day and attempting to do the right thing is an achievement in itself. every day is a new opportunity to change something for the better, and to try again. the way that you’re feeling right now is a lot less permanent than it feels, i promise. each negative thought and emotion you have is temporary, and it has no baring on reality unless you say that it does. i’ll leave a few links that might be able to help when you feel an anxiety bout/attack coming on, check them out if you have the time. i’m always here if you need to talk lil angel, n i hope you find some peace of mind soon, and that you figure things out w your parents. hmu if you need a friend :)

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/management

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-cloud9/201308/5-quick-tips-reduce-stress-and-stop-anxiety

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/ten-ways-to-cope-with-anxiety

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tips/stop-anxiety-attacks.shtml

http://bigthink.com/21st-century-spirituality/wired-for-anxiety

https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/how-to-handle-panic-attacks.aspx

https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-health-newsletter/are-you-afraid-to-ask-for-mental-health-help/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/06/too-anxious-to-get-help-for-my-anxiety/

[fairycosmos]

most of the time i dont feel like a functional person. i have so many issues that all feed into my self hatred, i have issues at home, i have no one to really turn to... i fucking hate this. i feel like shit all the time. i hate what i see when i look in the mirror. i'm not good at anything. i'm a waste of space.

honestly i feel like you read my mind or smth bc this is exactly how i feel, too. and that's why i know that no matter what i say, you're still going to feel sad and it's shit and i'm sorry. i'm sorry that things are so crappy right now that you feel like you have nobody to turn to. there's a few things you can remind yourself of that sound like bullshit and maybe won't help immediately but it you let them sink in they might be able to help you calm down when it all gets too much -1. it's not going to be like this forever. i get that that doesn't change the way things are right now. but it can be kind of comforting to know that some of the best moments of your life haven't even happened yet. there's so much you haven't seen, so many amazing people you haven't met yet. so many reasons to just stick around. also if you're still in school, let me tell you that by the time you're like 24 it's all going to feel like you distant dream, none of it is going to matter. things change, and sometimes that can be a good thing. just hang on, let the future happen. you deserve to be happy. the bullshit is temporary.2. you're not alone. i know you feel alone. i get that. and maybe telling your family/friends about the way you're feeling isn't possible right now. if doing so will put you in danger or in a bad situation then obviously i can't recommend it. but those aren't your only options. if you're in school, don't hesitate to speak to the nurse/counselor. and if you're not in school, speak to your doctor and see what can be done for you. ik the idea might make you nervous but it's actually not scary at all, it's just chatting with someone. thats all it is. i can already feeling you rolling your eyes lmao and i understand that it's not ideal, but having someone to talk to can help a lot more than you might think. learning about yourself and your mind and about why you feel the way that you do is a good first step in moving past it. in addition to that, theres many independent mental health organizations that can give you the support you need, as well as hotlines you can call. i've called them before and they know exactly what they're doing. you're in complete control of the call and you can even remain anonymous if you want to. getting it all off your chest will help you breathe. don't disregard the idea until you've really tried it. mental health should be taken just as seriously as physical health. 3. all you have to do is take it day by day - you have an inherent worth simply because you exist on this planet. nobody can take that away from you, not even your own mind. and that doesn't change even if you're depressed or sad or down. take it all at your own pace, in your own time. this is your life and dealing with it day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute is all you're required to do. you don't have to have everything figured out. cut yourself some slack, you're still learning and growing and you will be for the rest of your life. you don't need to be okay all of the time.4. don't trust every thought you have - idk if you're diagnosed with any mental illnesses, but even having low self esteem can twist the way you see things (such as yourself, the world, other people) into something negative, into something it's not. your perception of everything is your window to the world, and when your mental state isn't doing so well it has a profound impact on your stream of consciousness, of how you see different situations. that's why you need to trust that not every thought you have is true, or means something, or holds any weight. learn to differentiate between yourself and your self hatred/anxiety. i know it's really fucking hard to ignore your own mind. maybe one of the hardest things in the world. but it's not impossible to know that not every thought and feeling is genuine. 5. nothing matters - this one is kind of stupid, but i do this when i'm feeling like everything is closing in on me. i remind myself that all of this is just a blip in the fuckin universe. we're on a rock in the endless vast vacuum of space and it's weird and cool and super super terrifying. there's billions of stars and galaxies and everything is so much more than just us, than humanity. my problems are tiny in the grand scheme of everything, and honestly nobody knows what they're doing or why we're even here. jupiter spins backwards and nobody knows why. the sun is going to swallow us eventually. donald trump is LITERALLY the president of america. nothing matters. anything can happen and we just randomly exist and we are all just trying to make sense of it, even tho we probably never will. obviously it's not good to think like this all of the time, but in really intense and stressful moments, it can be kind of soothing.6. the way you look doesn't mean shit - this definitely sounds like bullshit bc everywhere you turn people are going on and on about appearance and beauty and dieting and makeup. and it's taken me to long ass time to realize that it's all just a concept, that our outer appearance is a fleeting and short lived thing that doesn't hold much actual importance in the grand scheme of things. it's extremely objective and 'prettiness' means something different to everybody. look, you were raised in a society that literally profits off of people hating themselves. a society that pushes a self hating agenda just because it makes money. and it's true that when you're young people do focus on looks quite a lot, because thats the way they've been conditioned to think, and learning how to escape that mindset is a long but liberating battle. but as you get older and mature and learn , you start to look for a lot more than just a nice face or a toned body, and so does everyone else. because at the end of the day, looking good isn't the price you pay in order to exist on this earth. it's as simple as that. and when we're all 80 we're all going to be fkn gross anyway. so don't let the way you look stop you from doing shit. it really doesn't matter as much as your brain is trying to tell you it does. and sure you'll still have days where you feel insecure or uncomfortable in your own skin, but as long as you're making the concious effort to love yourself then you're doing just fine.7. you're going to be okay. good times don't last but bad times don't, either. it almost always returns to a happy medium. things turn out right a ridiculous amount of the time. you're going to be okay.sorry if this was dumb and unhelpful but i hope you're doing alright and i'm sorry it took me a few days to reply. you deserve so much more than what you've been through. please, please just keep going. just focus on getting through today. you can do that, i know you can. you're capable of so much more than you think you are. just stay alive. and PLEASE message me if you need a friend, i relate to you a lot. stay strong.