#piracy is hot and sexy

[jdragsky]

i am literally a book publisher, like that's my day job, that's what i DO, and i need to emphasize that if you can't access a piece of media for any reason it's very okay to pirate that media. i would rather you pirate my book and read it than forget about it because u couldnt afford it

[wen316]

Charles Vane my pirate obsession . Edit by Wen316

[lawchwan]

they love me because i'm a woman! (law)

summary: a headcanon on how our beloved law would be as a woman requested: @makemake22 reader: gn!reader disclaimer: law is just being her fine self, suggestive content, the hearts crew are lowkey perverts but its done in a comedic way not in a violating way genre: headcanon, fluff, suggestive a/n: ugh i love fem!law so much. i wanna write another adaptation of this, so if you want a part 2 or a whole fic of this lemme know.

crossposted on ao3

what a woman she would be...

you know that song, Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix? I feel like that would be her theme song, not joking.

not to be biased, i feel like she would be a stunner without meaning to, much to her dismay.

she does not want to the symbol of her existence through her beauty or her sexiness.

although she never cared for labels, Law would rather be known as what the government calls her by the surgeon of death than the colloquial and dehumanizing description that men give her—hot tattooed surgeon with tits.

she fits the hot big tiddie goth mommy type, which everyone swoons over, including her own crew.

She could never deny their loyalty, she loves them as much they love her (which she’ll never admit to), but at times she absolutely can’t stand her crew—especially the male ones—when they would ogle their eyes at her figure until she raised her voice.

"Right, so, you're assigned to bathroom duties—Shachi, stop staring at my chest" Law spoke sternly, her eyes still glued down at the chart in front of her. Shachi jumped from his place, wide-eyed back to her unfazed expression. "what—how'd you know I was looking?!" he protested. Law simply rolled her eyes at him and shook her head, "Because you always do." she sighed before walking away.

Moments like these happen way too often, and if it were not for her love of her crew, she would’ve killed them a long time ago.

Ikkaku has her moments of admiration as well, but she's still the only crew member who understands her pain of being sexualized and not being taken seriously as a woman in a male-dominated field like piracy.

Bepo also gets it, but he doesn't fully grasp the idea as not only is he a mink, but a male at that. Hey, at least he got the spirit.

However, with her being the only female crew, Ikkaku still maintained that respectful captain-crew member boundary and simply looked up to Law, rather than maintaining a closer bond. (although, I'd like to think that fem!Law would have a soft spot for her and look after her like an older sister would since losing her little sister but that's neither here nor there)

Furthermore, she uses Bepo whenever she gets her period, and her cramps are aching her.

That’s just a headcanon for me, which you can disagree with me if you want, but I feel like she’d be extra sensitive on those days, and just would not care at the moment. She almost turns to a whole different person whenever she’s in her menstrual cycle.

Fem!law walks in one day while her male crew were playing in the lounge room, tears welled up and a slight pout coming out of her lips as she approached Bepo. All eyes were on her, as they await any order their strict hot captain would give out. She attempts to maintain her cool but her hormones are acting up. “Bepo… can you please come and cuddle with me? I’m in so much pain.” Law asked, her bangs falling forward as to divert eye contact from her crew. Bepo sympathetically gave her a tight lipped smile and nodded, “yeah, sure, captain, lets go…” he cooed as he got up from his seat and carried her bridal style while she place her head on his shoulder and her arms around her midriff. And that resulted in a roar from the male crew, both swooning over how adorable their captain is and from jealousy, wishing that they could be in the mink’s place instead of him.

Naturally, once the pain wears off and can be on her own, she goes back to her strict self and goes after any of her crew who calls her cute and give them any harsh duty if they speak of these events.

”I liked the old Law better” they would claim.

Fem!law, like the real Law, is cold and aloof, yet the difference is that she happens to be more maternal than she actually seems, especially towards her crew members.

She could be seen scolding them like a mother would.

"Check it out, boys, I finally caught Law's shirt that she wore yesterday—OW!" Penguin's devious choice of words put him into trouble as he felt an aching pinch by the ears as his head was pulled and pushed by the source holding his ears. "How many times have I told you to stop putting my clothes on auction?! I know money's tight, but I'm losing shirts to wear! You cannot keep going like this..." Law scolds him further as her fingers pinched harder making Penguin wince in pain. "Okay, but that would be so hot seeing shirtless around polar tang—OW! OW! I was joking, please! I was only kidding!" Shachi took another pinch as well.

"Law..." Bepo walked into Law's office with a pout. "What, Bepo?" She spoke without looking up. Bepo walked in, simply just showcasing his cut finger. Law simply shook her head as she opened her drawer, "kitchen duties?" "Yes... I cut myself opening a can..." "How the hell did you—Ugh, forget it just give me your finger..."

Now we've touched on how she acts with her crew, let's get into how she'd be when she has a crush.

Fem!Law would be the type to be very hard to read when she has a crush.

Almost like she never wants to admit that she has a crush.

When she took a peep at you, her heart almost skipped a beat, and she didn't know how she would act around you.

Unfortunately, she'll more than likely act really cold towards you. Not her intention, she just simply does not know how to confront her feelings.

That maternal instinct that you heard of made you believe it was a rumor. You felt like she didn't care about you, which hurt you a little bit the longer you stayed.

You began developing feelings and she was pushing you away without her knowing about it.

Meanwhile, fem!Law is going through her own turmoil with you.

Even though she’s cold, the fact that she runs away from any interactions with you pains her to a deep end.

Just like masc!law, she has repressed a lot of her emotions thanks to her trauma and losing her parental role.

she had developed attachment issues that takes time for her to open up.

but that’s something neither of you would open up about and the relationship remain like this for a long time…

characters are owned by oda. i will not tolerate nor accept translation, reposts on other websites, or plagiarism. divider made by mmadeinheavenn.

[adickaboutspoons]

Tagged by @chocolatepot. Thank you, my v. dear!

Rules: Go to your published works on AO3 and list the first fic you ever published there, the last fic you published, any fic that you wrote for a fandom/ship only once, your favorite fic you wrote in the fandom/ship that has the most works, the fic you wish more people read, the fic you agonized over the most, the fic that sprang fully formed from your mind without any effort, and a work you are proud of—for whatever reason. <3

First fic: On AO3, that would be my drabble collection for Pet Shop of Horrors. Far from baby's first fic(s), but the first that I published where other people could see from way back in the hazy yesteryear of Livejournal. First fic ever was a Mary Sue self-insert Dracula fic. It was terrible beyond words.

Last fic: Last fic FOR NOW is When a Good Plan Comes Together. And frankly? I can't recommend it. I've been fighting myself about maybe taking it down for a week now, because it kind of makes me cringe to think that might be the first thing of mine someone reads. It's not that it's BAD, per se, but it is v. LAZY. I saw a prompt and wanted to knock out a response to it, and a quick one, because I'm currently working on three other fics that require a lot more mental energy. But that meant handwaving the titular plan and "fade to black"-ing on the sex scene, and that's not really up to my normal standards.

Only once: I tend to be fandom-monogamous, and, within my hyperfocus, OTP-centric, so the closest I've got fic-wise is Unbelievable, which is kinda Geoffrey Fettering/the allure of Stede Bonnet's escape to piracy, if you squint at it. Vid-wise, my first vid ever was for my wifey, featuring her favorite character from The Umbrella Academy, Klaus, and I've got a Stede/Hornberry set to "I've Got A Crush On You."

Favorite fic from the fandom I've written in most: Technically, I think I've written more individual drabbles for Pet Shop, but since they're all grouped together, I'll go with OFMD, in which case, it's Like I Want to be Awake. It's prolly what I would consider my best writing to date - funny but still earnest, the first sex scene I've actually found hot while writing it, and, I flatter myself, a solid Ed-voice with some v. creative cursing.

Fic I wish more people read: I mean, the answer is also "Like I Want to be Awake" because I love it so much, and I want other people to love it too. But other than that, my Stede Sonnets. I know, sweetie, I know. You had a bad English teacher who didn't know how to teach poetry, and prolly didn't really know how to teach Shakespeare, so now you hate all poetry, and ESPECIALLY a stuffy, restrictive format like sonnets. But I'm urging you to find it in your heart to give it another go. I think you might find that, because the subject matter is fandom-centered, you might be predisposed to give the slightest damn about what it's about, and able to relax into the format. And you might even find that sonnets don't have to be stuffy - they can be funny, or dare I say, even flirty and sexy.

Fic I agonized over: The answer is also also "Like I Want to be Awake". I'm SOOOO unendingly lucky to have a marvelous group of Discord friends that let me endlessly whinge on at them. It was supposed to be a silly one-shot companion piece to Footsteps in the Dark (just over 1K). Over the course of 3 weeks, it grew into a 16K monster. Mostly because the boys wouldn't shut the fuck up about matchbooks. I agonized whether including a Maori folk story was appropriative or a respectful allusion to the culture from which Ed's mother came. I found a story I loved that was thematically relevant to the rest of the story and wrote up my own version, and then decided to double-check for alternative versions, only to find it was labeled "Maori," but was actually written by a London-born white woman who was a teacher in Ateoroa in the late 1800s. So now that only lives on the Discord server because there was no way I could use it, but the writing was good. Then, after I'd found a different story, researched it, and THEN wrote it up, I agonized over whether just glossing over Stede telling the story of Snow White with Ed's reactions thereunto, since it would doubtlessly be more familiar to my readers, would be othering to the Maori story (that they might not be familiar with, and would therefore necessitate a full telling), or if I DID do a full retelling if that would be obnoxious. I agonized over whether it cut off too abruptly. About whether it counted as a downer ending when really it just dovetails back into canon. About whether the title too like that of a fandom juggernaut, or if maybe I should choose a different lyric from the Petshop Boys song from which I took the original story in order to link them that way? Like I said - I am SO lucky my buddies are so patient with me.

Fic that sprang fully formed: Definitely Your Achilles. I was about half-way through Beautiful and Useless when Ed's voice interrupted Loud and Clear and Insistent that his version be told. From then on, I was basically writing the two stories simultaneously.

Work(s) I'm proud of: Almost all of the above (not you, "When a Good Plan Comes Together" - you sit there and think about what you've done!), but also Advanced Maneuvers , because it was has the first sex scene I'd ever written, and, even though my brain fought me tooth and nail the entire way through, it's not half bad, Time Enough because it was my first time trying to write action, and I'm pretty pleased with how it came out, Under Par because it was my first attempt at a modern AU and I think it's pretty cute, and Dearly Beloved because it's a lot of fun.

A tag to summon (but no presh): @bizarrelittlemew @emi--rose @epersonae @nicnacsnonsense @poetic----nonsense

[baggebythesea]

Princess Glimmer and the Day of Many Choices: The Horde are pirates now (18/?)

"Yar, motherfuckers," Lonnie said and stomped off, towards the harbour.

"Growl," Rogelio said

"Yo-ho-ho," Kyle shily said and quickly ran after the other two.

"Motherfuckers, motherfuckers," Imp - wearing an eyepatch - happily cried and flew after the rest of the group.

The crowd looked after them in thoughtful silence.

"Dads..." Bow said with low voice.

"Yes Bow?" Lance asked.

"Historically speaking," Bow went on, still looking after the former horde soldiers. "If the largest army in the world suddenly become leaderless and turn to piracy, is that a problem...?"

"A bit of a problem, yes," Lance answered, voice strained.

"What will the princesses do to protect us from pirate raids?" The mayor of one of the costal towns cried.

"Sorry, we are busy dismantling our crystal palaces," Frosta said with snippy voice.

"Now, while a modernization of the political structure of Etheria is needed," the mayor said, swetting profusely, "we need to carefully consider the intricasies of..."

"You have convinced me," Glimmer quickly said. "Power to the people. We will set up a committé to outline the process that will be used to organize the power transition process."

"A comitée?!" George and Lance gasped, stars in their eyes.

"Class traitors," Swift Wind hissed. "Bourgeoisie scum. I will not let you bog down the glorious revolutionary movement. I'm starting a splinter group."

"DID SOMEONE SAY SWIFT WIND?" Sea Hawk and Bow yelled as Swift Wind flew off.

"Uuuuuuuuuuugh," Mermista said. "Fine, I'll sort it out."

"Of course the princess alliance will..." Glimmer begun.

"Not you," Mermista interrupted with an eyeroll. Me. They are all pirates now, right? That means they are citizens of Salineas."

"It does?" Perfuma asked in confusion.

"Well, duh," Mermista said with an eye-roll. "Salineas rules the sea and all that, but newsflash, blondie, we are ALL pirates,"

"Not all of you," Catra said voice full of self loathing.

"Obviously not all of us," Mermista sighed. "That's why we have the sea gate. The pirates all backstab each other, and everyone who don't want to play those games hide behind the sea gate. We 'tax' the coastal times to a reasonable amount and the princess" - she gestured to herself - "keeps everyone in line. So, there. the Horde is now integrated in the civic structure of the kingdom of Salineas. Everything's in order."

"But you can't keep control over all of the Horde-turned-pirates," George objected.

"Of course I can," Mermista shrugged. "I'm awesome. But anyway... I don't have to keep order..."

She held out her hand. A silver trident formed. She looked expectantly at Scorpia.

"Oh... sorry," Scorpia said and blushed. She held up a claw and a simply bitchin' electric guitar solo was heard.

"Thanks," Mermista said. Golden sparks formed all around her. She spun around three times and turned into...

"Sea-Ra, defender of the ocean," Sea Hawk gasped.

"....wow," Bow gasped, trying and failing not to stare at her boobs.

Glimmer watched Despara with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Despara said. "If I hadn't opened the Heart of Etheria for her, people would have asked me to sort it out."

"I'm so proud of you for not trying to do everything yourself," Glimmer said with heartfelt voice.

"All right, I'm off to save the day or whatever," Sea-Ra said with bored voice. "Get over here, idiot."

"I think this this occasion calls for a soooooong!" Sea Hawk begun.

"No, it doesn't," Sea-Ra interrupted. She looked at Bow.

"You're coming, or what? Wanna have some 'adventure' with me and the idiot here?"

Part 17 is here: https://www.tumblr.com/baggebythesea/712385152762953728/laughs-ill-be-honest-i-didnt-expect-this

Part 17 is here: https://www.tumblr.com/baggebythesea/712385152762953728/laughs-ill-be-honest-i-didnt-expect-this

[musecraft]

alright ! i've had a full 24+ hours to Process — which may have involved a bottle of prosecco ( i don't drink btw ) & going through a few waves of tears — & i'm here ready to talk about the finale. of.md spoilers below the cut, obviously !

some things i actually did like ( a short list ) :

the plot on paper. the beats of a good story were there but it was so rushed through & poorly executed that it just felt messy, unearned, slapped together.

ed thinking stede is dead & disassociating so hard he goes on a rampage & murders several of the soldiers in very sexy ways, ie: bayonet flip. also ed coming out of the ocean like aphrodite, ready to murder in his black leather. slay.

jim & archie kissing Like That before going to battle. also jim throwing knives from in the trees. very hot, powerful trans energy there, i really enjoyed it.

unfortunately everyone on the crew looked very sexy in stolen navy uniforms.

spanish "you best believe everyone in this household is poison trained" jackie.

zheng existing ( i would like to formally request a whole show about her )

stede yelling 'for love !' when attacking the british. romantic stede my beloved.

most of izzy's main dialogue — especially telling ricky that what really matters about piracy is belonging to something in a world that has told you that you are worth nothing. & yes, even most of of his conversation with ed. izzy telling him it's ok to just be ed ? killed me. & blackbeard was both of us ? don't even. i did want him to apologize to ed properly & am still glad that he did but be careful what you ask your god for am i right.

the final panning shot of the crew on the revenge. beautiful shot despite it all.

issues i had ( a longer list ) :

the editing ? why so many harsh cuts ? the way it was spliced together only contributed to the chaotic & disjointed feeling. & of course, the pacing. i think these two issues are connected & probably not the fault of the writers themselves. the show clearly really needed all 10 episodes to do what it really wanted to do, & this finale is just begging for that lost hour of screentime.

it wasn't even a good fuckery lol.

i wish lucius & pete's wedding had been... idk, just more. something more akin to calypso's birthday, a proper celebration for them. i also wish they would have given an indication they're still poly. "i now pronounce you mateys" was good tho.

ed apologizing & saying i love you & stede not doing either one in return. stede not being sappy in his irl fantasy ? impossible, im really confused by that choice.

0 resolution for stede's entire arc ? 0 indication of self reflection on his part ? & thus no resolution for the primary conflict of the show's central relationship ? they didn't even talk about their future, it just cut to them standing there & stede saying "so i guess we're innkeepers now" as if that's all he would have had to say about that ? i know that this show handwaves away a lot of things, like travel times & the realities of sailing, but i thought the story was literally about this relationship, & we don't get to see them decide on what their future together will look like. it's framed as stede just kinda going along with ed's latest whim ( since you know, they've always worked out soooo well for him in the past ) even though it's the exact opposite of what he's been moving towards personally lately, all without even saying a word about it ? i'm not even saying that i don't like this ending, but it just again felt so unearned.

very little actual resolution for ed's arc. his whole deal this season was about deciding who he wants to be, but he flip flops every time something doesn't go his way & the episode gave us no reason to think that would be different now with their inn. also he just killed a bunch of soldiers after having serious trauma surrounding the act of killing throughout the entire series, but i guess we're just supposed to believe that's ok, he's totally fine, he's an innkeeper now ! (will say more on this topic in the final section.)

poly things not being handled well or outright forgotten about. like olu / jim / archie / zheng has all the potential in the world for a beautiful poly love story & we barely got to see them interact together at all. & to think i was all :eyes: when izzy was dubbed the unicorn because i actually thought for a few episodes there that they might be doing the same thing for polyamory in s2 that they had done for queerness in s1, showing the audience that it's ok to see ourselves in stories & not just on the fringes, we're not stupid or freaks reading into something that isn't there. but turns out, it wasn't there, & i was the freak & the clown all along. live & learn.

the elephant in the room ( rip izzy you beautiful freak ) :

here's the thing. obviously i was never going to be happy that they killed my most favoritest old man. the fact that he's dead just when he found something real to live for is literally heartbreaking to me. but i could have swallowed it as a natural & important part of the narrative if one small thing was done differently: izzy could have had an actual sacrifice. & not for ed, but for the crew. after his speech about living for the crew, him choosing to act in a way that compromised his safety but earned their freedom would have felt like a completion of his arc. but instead it was a stray bullet to the left side which he earned in stede's so-called suicide mission ( don't even get me started on that line given where izzy started this season ), an injury which the show has told us previously is 100% survivable.

in the crew sacrifice scenario izzy could have acted as the symbol of piracy itself, a way of life that is dying. he is, after all, The Pirate (aside from blackbeard himself) on the show. & he has a history of letting shit slide that kinda doesn't align with the way of life they're trying to build on the revenge, not just in s1 but also in the scene with lucius in s2 ("& you? are you happy with all this?" "well, this is a pirate ship, & i'm a pirate so... yeah, i'm good with it.") ricky says they are at "the end of piracy" & izzy is the last REAL pirate (including ed because at this point as he is moving away from that life). & as izzy himself says in s1, "the only retirement we get is death." izzy also shows pretty intense self-preservation, & most of his shitty actions in s1 are motivated by often misplaced survival instincts, ("i'm not dying. not for you & not for that ponce,") so having him go against this longstanding character trait to protect the crew would have felt earned after his dramatic growth. it could have worked. it still would have hurt, but it could have worked.

instead, the way it is actually framed, the narrative actively robs izzy of this symbolism & instead makes his death entirely about ed & ed's relationship to piracy. having him die in a random incident & then having his death scene be followed up by ed finally "officially" (for the third time) giving up piracy honestly flattens everything i find interesting about them as characters & their dynamic to each other.

ed & izzy have very clearly been in clearly a mutually toxic codependent relationship (platonic or otherwise) for decades, but the framing of izzy's death being the only thing that can free ed from piracy (& blackbeard) turns izzy from a complex character of his own into a 2-dimensional plot device. & if izzy truly couldn't exist without blackbeard, then it would make sense — but we've just seen that he can, actually ! that he is a person outside of that relationship, despite what he himself thought for most of his life ! that they can both exist outside of them, & there is a very real possibility that neither of them actually need blackbeard anymore. so instead his death feels cruel to me. & because we know this is the show where injuries simply don't matter unless we need them to, we know that this was a conscious choice, that the writers genuinely felt he had to die for the story (ed's story) to continue.

& you know, that's fair on some level. he's the lead after all. but i also think this framing is actually kind of reductive to ed's character ! i don't write ed, but part of what makes him so compelling to me is that he is... kinda a "bad person," but he wants to be better. he's extremely complex. he has trauma & big feelings & he doesn't always act on them in the right way. & he feels guilt & remorse — he knows he has done wrong in the past & wants to be better, even if he doesn't always know how. & izzy has admittedly been an obstacle to him reaching that end in the past, but to frame it as if ed's actions were because of izzy, & actually izzy was making ed be blackbeard & manipulating him into doing bad things that he didn't really want to do, then i guess now that izzy is dead ed is free to skip off into the sunset happily ever after with his man ! the bad influence in his life finally gone, so he is all healed ! never mind that his most recent return to piracy & killing spree as blackbeard had literally nothing to do with izzy & everything to do with thinking he'd lost stede again. never mind that ed's trauma has its roots in things that happened to him before izzy (his father) & things that also happened to izzy (hornigold). nope, izzy was the real shackle all along. he has to die so ed can be free, & he only ever existed solely to develop ed's pain. that's what this narrative feels like. & i just... don't like the taste of it on any level. izzy says himself that blackbeard was both of them. so why does izzy have to die while ed gets to move on, given they both have shown the capacity to do so ?

the bit that i think i like least about how it's executed is izzy saying "i want to go," especially considering how he & ed are both shown to be actively suicidal in the opening of the season, & he has since started to regain his self confidence from that lowest point. & maybe that line could be read as him just trying to soothe ed in the moment, but idk, it rubbed me the wrong way for him to say he still wanted to die when in fact he had just found something he actually wanted to live for.

so ! i think that's all i have to say about that ! if you've made it this far, thanks for reading ! i'll be working today on writing up a basic canon divergence for both stede & izzy, since i don't like how either of them ended the season out. sorry, but stede's simply not ready to give up pirating just yet, even for ed. & in my head, izzy is fine because he was shot on the left side & "science" tells us there's nothing important in that half of the body anyway. : )

[llycaons]

okay I finished leviathan! really wonderful satisfying finales for all involved. such an absolute delight with wonderful characters. marcid and myrtle had such a fun sexy little thing going on so subtley I didn't even mind, and jack and gardy's thing at the end just had me giggling so much. I think I've said this already but I just love that aabria made a character named MYRTLE THE BITCH and painted her face like that for the show. like what an absolutely fun character. and marcid returning to the kenkus at the end...I hope those coins were actually enough for them to like, buy a new house 😭 but he's fun too and he hides his soft heart. I like that he's the papers guy as well as the sneaky murders guy. and jack's whole situation took such a 180 ☺️, and what a great final shot he had! BAM. gardy talking abt how hot and strong and all he was killed me but then also I don't think he has any experience...like gardy I think it's all gonna be you <3

cheese really endeared himself to me...god what a sweetie. and his convo with the autistic...librarian demon (?) at the end was really neat tho idk who she actually was or how she was summoned ngl. that's fine I can look her up later. and its so nice that cheese will only have his brother after he saves him, and not have to worry about his horrible parents. brennan is great like that.

and BOB!!! I still can't believe krystina wrote and performed all those songs!!! and so beautifully!!! and that inflict wounds! so devious! and her parents!!!! together again 🩷🩷🩷

umm sunny's little arc was very sweet and satisfying. she was a fun character and im happy for her and her siblings to break out of her family's strict religious upbringing but there was that insane moment where the actor accidentally started sounding like a maga voter when she was trying to explain why 'the old ways' of piracy should come back...real foot in mouth moment im afraid 😭 also I think brennan tried to set her up for a 'we're NOT all the same!' line but she didn't take the opportunity she was just like nope we're still all the same! so one of the nocs had to do it...not that sunny's a bad character or she's a bad player like that bell came in CLUTCH and she was very charming <3

the villains campaign is still my favorite because it was just so funny and weirdly wholesome but Pirates of Leviathan was also REALLY good and looks like it's available on youtube! there's six episodes, at about 2 hours each, and I def reccomneded it if you like dnd shows or pirate media

[sodrippy]

if you wanna be all "pirates were mean brutes who killed and pillaged" then why even bother engaging with media about piracy like,, im not gonna write a dissertation on this bc im literally talking about a random fuckin potc post of all things but bro we all know pirates were violent and whatever, but that's clearly not the point not the draw of it yknow

[mermaids-pirates]

[tamamita]

Thoughts on piracy?

Against multi-billion companies, I think it's actually very sexy and incredibly hot

[flying-elliska]

I binge watched Our Flag Means Death yesterday and holy shit !!!!!! I'm in love !!!!! Everyone should watch this, I want at least 10 more seasons (or you know, however many it takes to get to a good conclusion)

- It is very much "Black Sails but a rom com" which already makes it a win in my book, with themes about stories and perception, piracy as this sort of very queer anti-imperialist space of freedom that also often really sucks. And it's hilarious but also there is a lot of depth and angst in there under the surface

- It's also What We Do In The Shadows with pirates instead of vampires in that there is a cast of mostly pathetic lunatics bumbling around and committing atrocities while also being surprisingly lovable, compelling and written with a lot of empathy. Also there is a slow burn romance btw a pathetic but caring little man who seems way out of his depth but has hidden reserves of badassery, and a scary badass with a dark past having a midlife crisis. But it feels less like an outright farce than WWDITS.

- Like i didn't expect it to be so actually romantic ? But there's a slow burn btw the two main (male) characters where they've both gotten dissatisfied with their lives and the roles they've had in life and so they really want what the other has to bring to their life and they're uniquely placed to understand each other and it's really sweet? And the show makes fun of both of them but not for having feelings (but definitely for being emotionally constipated lol). Now in most shows this would be haha broManCe "isn't it too funny that these guys are acting kinda gay hahaha because gay ppl are funny get it" material but in this one you have an actually confirmation that one of these dudes has been with a man before and when this guy shows up the other MC starts acting super jealous and they fight and the others actually call it a break up, also the crew textually says "you like each other" in a way that just doesn't work for friendship (the reviewers still calling it that are honestly delusional). There's tons of scenes that are straight of a fanfic - clothes swapping, practice sword fighting in the moonlight, sexy stabbing, loaded compliments, revealing secrets nobody else knows, longing looks, etc. It's great.

- Also it's just super queer in general, there are two crewmembers who have an open relationship and we see them kiss on screen, and then there's Jim, a really cool nonbinary character hellbent on revenge raised to be a killing machine by a scary nun (amazing) who gets addressed by they/them pronouns and also has an angsty thing with another crew member.

- Also it has lots of characters of color in rich, complex roles and some very blatant send up of racist cliches you can usually find in pirate stories (like the "savage island cannibals" thing). All the English present in the stories are buffoons (and the French are even worse it's very funny). There is a scene where two Black crewmates set some slaves free by basically inventing the Nigerian prince pyramid scheme scam. It's great.

- Taika Waititi delivers some amazing acting and he's also super hot walking around in slinky leather, which I think is totally on purpose as he's got guys swooning for him left and right, he's the hot girl of the show (also he's got 'cat energy' according to the creators) and that is just an incredible take on Blackbeard, scariest pirate of all time. Also he's created this bigger than life image of the terrifying pirate around him because he thinks he was doomed to be a monster but now he's tired of it and it's all very Captain Flint of him. Love it.

- Also saw someone call it "Ted Lasso with pirates" and that tracks, for the whole "lovable doofus who's way out of his depth tries to coach a team of losers and wins them over with his heart of gold even though it takes a while and he has no clue of what he's doing" (is Blackbeard Trent Crimm, with the long grey hair ? Lmao)

- The first two eps are a little slow, I would say it really gets its wings after Blackbeard shows up so it's worth sticking with even if the first two don't entirely convince you.

Watch it ! It's ridiculous and fun and sweet and probably everything you didn't know you needed👌👌👌

[missbeckman]

Hello everyone! I saw this list here and here I'm writing to procrastinate a little, two paragraphs are suggestive

Rainbow Emoji Self Ship Asks! I

Red~

💋 - Give us a kiss headcanon!

Benn is not much of a kisser, so you're the one who made the fist move from now on but when he wakes up horny he kisses your neck to tease you

👠 - What’s the height difference between you and your f/o like?

(...)

🍄 - What kind of risks is your f/o willing to take?

I want to say he's willing to die for the one he holds dear, crewmates, but we all know has he is a very intelligent man, not impulsive at all, his risk all well calculated

🐞 - What makes your f/o squirm?

Tickles, sexy lingerie

🌹 - Does your f/o believe in “love at first sight?” Do you?

None of us, we know that relationships are complicated, and love is conquered day by day

🍅 - What makes your f/o blush?

Hot weather, rarely sexual arousal

🚨 - How observant is your f/o of danger?

A lot, all the time

🛏️ - Give us a sleep-related headcanon!

Goes to bed around 12:00 pm wakes up around 05:00 am, heavy sleeper and yes, he snores

Orange~

🎃 - You and your f/o are going to a costume party! What do you both dress up as?

I'll dress like Morticia Adams, him as the stereotyped pirate

🦐 - How’s your f/o’s posture?

Rational, earnest only speaks when necessary, loyal great company for a drink, and good card gambler.

🐯 - What’s your f/o’s favorite animal?

Raven, because they're smart birds, yak (reminds him of himself)

🍂 - How does your f/o feel about change?

Benn likes routine, fixed schedule, order; but after 30 of piracy he got used to

🍊 - What’s your f/o’s biggest secret?

He cried when he left his hometown, and not exactly a secret, but he loves to draw and cares about his appearance. And he doesn't love the fact that Yassop left his family

Yellow~

🐣 - How does your f/o feel about babies/children? (In general)

Likes them from afar, has one nephew that he loves

🌻 - How does your f/o cheer you up?

Soft words, warm smile, and hot kisses. Occasionally with wine

🌟 - If you have a f/o that’s a celebrity in their universe, how does it affect you? If they aren’t, do they ever fantasize about what it’d be like?

🥂 - How well does your f/o handle alcohol?

Very well, but he doesn't like to get blind drunk

🧀 - Does your f/o have any allergies?

Polen

💰 - How much does your f/o spoil you?

Never in front of the crew or during labor ours, at night plenty.

🧽 - How clean is your f/o? (In general)

He showers every and shave, washes his own underwear

Green~

👽 - Is your f/o superstitious? Do they believe in cryptids?

No, but he likes to talk and read about it

🌵 - How long does it take for your f/o to warm up to new people?

Tricky one... he's very good at "reading" people, so he's always discreetly cautious, the only person he trusted immediately is Shanks and Lucky Roo

🍀 - How lucky is your f/o?

Well, he was found by Shanks, a generous, fun, and smart captain, he's part of a successful crew., so he considers himself lucky enough

🌱 - How does your f/o feel about nature?

Beckman is very cautious and respectful, once he knows how dangerous and generous it can be

Blue~

🌊 - Can your f/o swim?

Like a dolphin

🧊 - How does your f/o handle pressure?

Not even a headcanon: he smokes to remain calm, and he's a yonkou commander, so relatively well (he jerks off occasionally)

🗺️ - If you could go anywhere with your f/o, where would you go?

For vacation? A historical city

💎 - What does your f/o value in life?

In general: loyalty, intelligence, good manners; Personally, the crew, his s/o, his gun, and their jolly roger

Purple~

🍇 - Does your f/o naturally give themself “me time,” or do they need reminders from time to time?

Naturally, plus everyone knows: when he whispers three times in a row and touches his left eyebrow, is time to leave him alone

🌌 - How much faith does your f/o have in horoscopes?

None, he's quite a skeptic

💜 - Free space! Tell us a random headcanon you have for your f/o.

He's not serious all the time, you know?

He likes telling (dirty) jokes, plays cards, and is usually the first to start singing sea shanties, in a lower voice at first then out loud, giggles at Rocky Str and Lucky's nonsense. Loves engineering and history books and reads all the newspapers right after Shanks

[im-the-punk-who]

The Real People of Black Sails!

Here’s a quick(I promise....I promise this is as short as I could make it without leaving out some really choice shit) rundown of all the real historical figures peppered throughout Black Sails! I think I caught them all but if you know of others please mention them and I’ll add them on! Under a readmore because this is....so long y’all.

Pirates & Maroons

Anne Bonny (possibly 1697 – unknown; possibly April 1782) Started life crossdressing at her dad’s behest to avoid his wife(who wasn’t Bonny’s mom), married a guy her dad didn’t like, moved to Nassau. There her husband became a spy for Rogers and Anne was like ‘Not cool bro’. She met Jack, they started fucking, and Anne discovered she was really good at stabbing things. Resumed dressing as a man and started trying to seduce Mary Read who was also dressed as a man. They did indeed fall victim to one of the classic queer blunders. Anyway, Anne’s like ‘it’s not gay I’m a chick!’ And Mary is like ‘really?? Then it’s a little gayer than you realize because I’m a chick too!’ They (probably) start banging. Rackham’s like ‘hang on! I’m the only dick in Anne’s life’ and Mary and Anne are like ‘you sure are’ and Mary shows him her boobs and then they have some sort of complicated and probably not totally consensual threeway. Then they get captured because, Jack is That Guy Who Was Too Drunk To Realize His Ship Was Under Attack and Mary and Anne had to defend the ship against like, a whole other crew. Jack is hung(not a dick joke), but both Anne and Mary plead stays of execution due to pregnancy. Anne disappears but possibly is maybe referred to later. No one knows. Neat!

Edit: According to sources from this post there is a genealogical record that refers to Anne and it records her death as 1782. Very neat!

Israel Hands (c.1701-death unknown) Israel Hands was a real pirate and Blackbeard’s first mate. Not much else is known about where he came from or his life, other than that Blackbeard shot him in the knee at one point while supposedly aiming for another man. ‘Oops my bad this pistol is from like, the 18th century or something.’ While recuperating in Bath he was arrested after Teach’s death but took a pardon in exchange for ratting out the colonial officials who had been bribed by Teach. It’s unknown what happened to him after that although That Book About Pyrites says he died a beggar in London.

Benjamin Hornigold (1680–1719) Horny4gold was one of the most well known and influential pirates of the Golden Age. Most other pirates sailed under him or with him at one point, and he was one of the founders of the Pirate Republic of Nassau. He never attacked british ships during his time as captain so that he could be like ‘but brooooo I was acting in Britain’s Interests!!! Bro!!!!!’ But his co-pirates didn’t like that and eventually voted to replace him with Sam Bellamy. He accepted the king's pardon in 1718 and became a pirate hunter instead. Bummer. He was reportedly killed in a shipwreck.

Okay listen Horingold in any universe is a fucking JOKE I have to share this passage with y’all:

“Hornigold is recorded as having attacked a sloop off the coast of Honduras, but as one of the passengers of the captured vessel recounted, "they did us no further injury than the taking most of our hats from us, having got drunk the night before, as they told us, and toss'd theirs overboard"” WHAT A JOKE.

Dr. Howell - (birth/death unknown) John Howell was a pirate surgeon forced into service by Hornigold sometime in early 1717. He sailed with various pirate crews until October before returning into the service of Governor Rogers.

Ned Low (1690–1724) N’EDWARD. Okay I’m serious again. Born in London, Lowe grew up a thief in a thief family before moving to Boston. His wife died in childbirth in 1719, so he decided ‘fuck it I’ll become a Pirate Captain’ and did just that. He was known for torturing the people on board the ships he captured before murdering them and burning the ship. Interestingly though, Lowe was known to have a huge amount of regret over abandoning his daughter when he turned pirate, and wouldn’t force married men into his service. He also reportedly would allow women to return to port safely. Because of his numerous captures and cruelties, he was one of the most well known pirates in his day. There are differing reports about Low’s death - some say his crew mutinied and marooned him and he was subsequently hung, others say his ship sunk in a storm, and some say he just straight up disappeared. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Jack Rackham - (December 26, 1682 – November 18, 1720) Really a pirate, really named himself after a housecat pattern. (No, okay, he didn’t, it was because of his threads. But wouldn’t the cat thing fit too?) Sailed with Vane, Anne Bonny, and Mary Read. Was mostly known for being That Guy Who Was Too Drunk To Realize His Ship Was Under Attack and being Anne and Mary’s captain. He was captured and sentenced to hang after the aforementioned Drunk Blunder in 1720.

Mary/Mark Read - (1685 – 28 April 1721) Much like Anne Bonny, Mary dressed as a boy for much of her youth so a parent could swindle someone out of money. From her teenage years on she continued dressing as a man to find work in the military and as a sailor. She did marry but her husband died young and so she decided to become a pirate. Like ya do. She accepted the king’s pardon in 1718, then mutinied on the privateer she was aboard, once again becoming a pirate. Because pirates are sexy. In 1720 she joined Jack Rackham’s crew and sailed with him and Bonny. Cue the whole ‘Hey you’re hot, also I’m a woman.’ ‘Oh, hey, same hat!’ with Anne. In November of 1720, Rackham’s ship was captured. Mary died of a fever in prison(likely due to her pregnancy) in 1721.

Edward Teach - (c. 1680 – 22 November 1718) He started piracy sailing under Hornigold, and built the fleet alongside him and Stede Bonnet until Hornigold retired. COOL fact about Blackbeard is he was a MASTER showman who liked to light slow burning fuses under his hat to scare his enemies, and he relied more heavily on creating an image his prizes feared than violence. He did a lot of cool shit including ransoming the entire town of Charles Town and annoying the shit out of Woodes Rogers before settling in Bath and later dying of like, a shit ton of wounds while battling Lieutenant Maynard. The battle on Roger’s ship is pretty much what happened minues the keelhauling. Afterwards he was beheaded, his head hung from the bow of Maynard’s ship, and his body was thrown in the bay in Bath, where it’s said his ghost still haunts! Funky!

Charles Vane - (1680 – 29 March 1721)  Really a pirate captain! Known for being Not A Nice Dude. Sailed with Henry Jennings, Edward England and Jackie Rackhammie. He led the pirates in resisting Rogers in Nassau, and yeah he really did light a ship on fire and 18th centuryeet it into Rogers’ line in order to escape. There’s a note that he returned to Nassau to get married but I couldn’t find any info on who he married so he’s gay now. That’s a rule I just made up. Anyway so at one point his ship got into a fight with another ship and Vane ordered a retreat and the crew was like ‘this is BOOshit’ and voted him out in favor of Jack Rackham. Ouch. Vane and some of the crew that supported him left aboard the Katherine(I believe) but then they got caught in a storm that said ‘fuck you specifically to Charles Vane,’ and he was marooned on an island. He survived! Just long enough for a British ship to stop at the island for him to attempt to board, get caught, and then hung. Deus ex piratica.

(Honorary mentions)

John Silver + Captain Flint (sort of but I’m not kidding!) Okay so of course there are a bunch of suspected origins of the characters of Captain Flint and Long John Silver, but the one I like the most is of two brothers - one of whom had a peg leg! - who captured an enormous Spanish treasure and buried it near Ocracoke island. Their names were John and Owen Lloyd. (And yes, John was the one-legged brother.) In 1750 a Spanish treasure fleet named the Flotas de Indias attempted to sail from Havana to Spain in late August, and three ships were wrecked during a hurricane. By a stroke of luck, the Lloyd brothers had been blown to the same inlet as the wrecked ships Guadalupe and Soledad , and managed to convince the Captain to hire them to transport the treasure to Norfolk. 

But of course because they thought the Spanish SUCKED they said ‘psyche’ and just fucked off with it while the Captain was fighting Bureaucratic red tape in North Carolina. Iconique. Owen Lloyd reportedly buried the treasure on Norman Island and  the pair became folk heroes in the area, particularly in St. Kitts.  (P.s., the Stevenson family ran a sugar production business on St. Kitts, and R.L. Stevenson’s great grandfather worked there as early as 1773 - just 25 years after the epic heist. COOL STORY BRO.)

Captain Throckmorton (Okay not really but I just love this guy’s name) Okay so this guy wasn’t really a pirate captain but he was a Steamboat captain in the 1830s and his name is just too ridiculous for someone to make up. Toot toot, motherfucker.

---------

Queen Nanny(Maroon Queen/Madi) (c. 1686 – c. 1755) The spiritual, cultural, and military leader of the Windward Maroons (who the Black Sails Maroons are based on.) She led them alongside her ‘brother’ Quao although the relationship between them isn’t known. Exact information about her origins are not known but best guess is that she was of royal lineage from present-day Ghana, born sometime in the 1680’s. She did have a husband named Adou(who may have been the same person as Quao? I’ve read conflicting stuff), but they had no children. Many of the guerilla warfare tactics we now think of as common practice were developed by Queen Nanny and the other Maroons in their fight against British incursions. (The trap that Flint lays, covering themselves with paint and leaves, and the pits the Maroons lay in the forest are tactics known to have been used by the Windward Maroons.)

Nanny was a fucking legend okay a LEGENDS ONLY legend. She was one of the most instrumental people in preserving African culture among freed slaves and Maroons, and in encouraging the resistance to slavery in the Bahamas and surrounding areas. She was one of three leaders of the First Maroon War (which the war in Black Sails is based on). She initially refused to sign the treaty offered to Cudjoe because she knew the British were losing and was like ‘Why????? Would I surrender???? In a war??? I’m winning?????’

Anyway Queen Nanny was a fucking badass please read every piece of literature you can find on her. (You should absolutely read her full bio because she was fucking badass.)

Cudjoe (not exactly, but Julius is very close) (c. 1690s – 1764) Likely a freeborn son of one of the original escaped slaves turned Maroons, Cudjoe is hailed as one of the greatest Maroon leaders(after Queen Nanny). Much like in Black Sails, these original Maroons were slaves who escaped or overran their masters, forming free communities in the Mountains of Jamaica. The treaty in Black Sails is based on the one Cudjoe negotiated with the British, wanting an ‘honorable peace’ with the enemy, rather than the continued war and better terms that Queen Nanny and Quao wanted. (sound familiarrrrrr?) I do want to note that by the end of his life he became completely disillusioned with the idea that the British should be reasoned with and basically started fights with every British superior he could.

The English, Spanish, and Scottish!

The Guthries So while there wasn’t ever a female head of the Guthrie clan in Nassau, the Guthries were a Scottish merchant clan who emigrated to Boston around 1652 due to religious and racial persecution. While most of the family stayed around Pennsylvania and Massachusetts, John Guthrie moved to Virginia and his brother James Guthrie moved to Bermuda sometime after 1683.

(James Guthrie of Suffolk County, Massachusetts was listed in the will of John Richardson, dated 7 May 1683, in which Richardson says, “I give and bequeath unto James Guthrie all I have in the world except twenty shillings to buy John Harris a ring and ten shillings to buy John Kyte a ring.” This was witnessed by John Raynsford and John Ramsey.) Fellas is it gay.

Anyway, between Virginia and Boston and James’ ties in the Bermuda islands, the family made a shit ton fencing pirated goods during the Golden Age of Piracy, particularly from the Pirate Republic of Nassau.

A John Guthrie(likely a son of James’) was also a Colonel who was part of the peace talks with Cudjoe and the Maroons. Neat!

James Oglethorpe (22 December 1696 – 30 June 1785) Okay listen Oglethorpe was COOL AS FUCK. He is the founder of the colony of Georgia and is imo who Thomas Hamilton is probably based on. Oglethorpe was a HUGE humanitarian and even before he decided to form an entire colony around people not owning slaves. He advocated for better conditions for sailors, and prison reform. In 1732 he read a letter by a slave in Maryland named Ayuba Suleiman Diallo and on the spot decided slavery was terrible, divested himself of his stock in the African Trading Company, and resolved to include a law banning slavery in Georgia to the colony’s charter. Radical, man.

Speaking of Georgia, and specifically his plantation near Savannah, Oglethorpe actively spoke with the native Yamacraw who populated the land to ask permission and trade for the land he sought to build Georgia on. His plantation was meant to help debtors in London, released without any support, from falling back into debt and offering them a way forward to landownership through indentured servitude. I highly recommend anyone interested in early attempts at an equality based colonial system read up on the original charter of Georgia. (Of course there were still problems, but Oglethorpe was one of the most prominent proponents of a non hierarchical society - including limits to the acreage any person could own based on how helpful that land was to the people who worked it, and communal resources.) Oglethorpe was also a lifelong friend with Tomochichi, the chief of the Yamacraw, and worked very closely with him on colonial-indigenous relations.

Vincente de Raja (birth/death unknown) He was the real Governor and military Captain of Cuba from 1716-1717. He was a devoted pirate hunter and encouraged Spanish privateering against the pirates. Due to an attempt by Spain to increase tobacco profits at the expense of the farmers, there was a large revolt which resulted in many of the Cuban officials, including Raja, being replaced. 

William Rhett (4 September 1666 – 12 January 1723) He was a merchant captain and plantation owner in Carolina who served in the colonial militia and hunted pirates. He captured Stede Bonnet and was probably just as much of an asshole as he is in the show.

Woodes Rogers - (c. 1679 – 15 July 1732) The Governor of Nassau who was largely responsible for ending piracy in the Bahamas. He really did offer a universal pardon, which a large number of the pirates took. Fun fact: before he was Governor, he rescued Alexander Selkirk, who is believed to be the guy Robinson Crusoe is based off of! Neat! He really did have a brother who really did die during his privateering exploits which also really did leave him ‘disfigured’. He got sued by his crew, went bankrupt, wrote a book, got famous for writing the book, and he really did have a wife named Sarah whom he divorced shortly after all this happened. He then became Governor of Nassau for the first time. This first term did end in him being imprisoned for debts incurred defending the island from Vane and Teach and the Spanish, but he was released, helped write that most famous A General History of the Robberies and Murders of the Most Notorious Pyrates, and became governor again in 1728. He died in 1732 of just plain exhaustion from dealing with the bureaucracy. Alexa play tiny violin.

[wangxianficrecs]

have u ever come across any good wangxian pirate au fics? bc that would be a serve.

No, but I think there need to be some in the world!

There is a tag on ao3, omg, with 4 works.  How have I never know this?  #pirate wei wuxian.  Bless all the authors:  I love Fandom Brain so fucking much.

~*~ETA~*~

@daltoneering says

This is a wonderful pirate!wwx/prince!lwj au which I LOVE!! there is identity porn and sexy sparring and wwx is super hot:

The Single Plank Bridge

by YunmengLotus (M, 22k, wangxian)

Summary:  Wei Wuxian is a young boy who had an unfortunate run-in with the crown prince of Gusu at age fifteen, and circumstances lead him to life a crime and piracy.

Years later, the two meet again under different circumstances, the prince is in disguise as a dancer in the Gusu port night markets and Wei Wuxian is an illustrious pirate captain.

A tale of sword fighting, dancing, theft, tending your lover's wounds, betrayal, and love.

Join us on the high seas.

Here, have a pirate wei wuxian:

The Pirate of Lotus Pier

by antebunny

G, 56k, wangxian

Summary:  The dreaded Yiling Patriarch strode to the stern of his ghost ship, watching as the Bichen drew nearer and nearer. His black hair whipped wildly in the sea winds. He raised his saber in a mockery of a friendly gesture, and the blade flashed briefly under the midnight moon.

“Lan Zhan,” he called. “Long time no see.”

Or: navy captain Lan Wangji is sent to capture the feared pirate captain Wei Wuxian.

~*~

Treasure

by ElDiablito_SF

E, 39k, wangxian

Summary:  For the last five years, the main naval cultivation crews have been united in rebellion against the Wen Empire. Once respected clans, now they have been forced to the seas as a pirate nation, driven by the thirst for vengeance. But none more so than Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng, who have been brought together after Wen Chao attacked Lotus Pier and executed Wei Wuxian by making him walk the plank.

Sticking to the fringe of the conflict is the mysterious ghost ship, the Burial Mounds, captained by the demon captain Yiling Laozu who is rumored to control the sea and leave no survivors. When the Yiling Laozu ends up rescuing (or possibly taking prisoner) the esteemed Hanguang-Jun, it seems that the Burial Mounds, the pirate nation, and the Wen Empire are headed for an inevitable reckoning.

[senorarelojes]

Excerpt from ‘Your Favourite Slave’

This is an extremely belated Christmas present for the very lovely @pinksyndication. Since Mo wanted to take a peek at their present, I’ll post an excerpt here. I swear I will finish all the WIPs floating around!

Notes: Fantasy AU, themes of slavery/sexual slavery (but no non-con or rape).

. Alan knew he wasn’t alone the moment he shut the door to his chamber. He’d been on guard ever since he - and the rest of their entourage - had set foot in this foreign kingdom. There was something not quite right in the land of Essex, a seafaring kingdom that was rumoured to be established by pirates. The more Alan saw of the coarse land and even coarser people, the more he’d been tempted to head straight home to Londinium. But he couldn’t let his brothers and his people down; they needed access to the well-equipped, strategically positioned ports of Essex, so Alan had led the Londinium delegation here without a complaint.

Now, after a whole day of fruitless negotiating with the frustratingly tight-lipped Prince Martin, Alan just wanted dinner and a hot bath. 

The chamber given to royal visitors was far more luxurious than Alan had expected. Upon opening the door, one was greeted with a neat and cosy solar, equipped with a lush couch and an oak desk that provided ink, parchment and candles for Alan to do his work. The solar had a secondary door that led to the main bedchamber, where a massive four-poster bed draped in the lushest silks awaited him. The windows overlooked the sea too, which was a view Alan admittedly enjoyed.

Although there was no one in the solar, there must have been someone waiting in the main bedchamber. The air was spiced with traces of a sweet, musky perfume meant to entice, and Alan could see the flickering light of the fireplace already lit. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, Alan stepped into the bedchamber, his eyes widening at what he saw.

A man was reclining across his mattress on his side, his head propped up with an elbow on the bed. One look at the man’s attire and appearance told Alan all he needed to know about why he was here; the man was dressed in white silk pyjama bottoms that looked soft to the touch, his upper body covered only with an indecently sheer tunic that left nothing to the imagination. Even then, Alan didn’t miss the black slave collar around the man’s neck. 

They’d sent a pleasure slave to his room.

The man raked a hand through his hair, which was dark as a raven’s wing. It was a nice contrast against his pale skin, and his lips were the lushest Alan had ever seen on a man. At this point he licked them, leaving them even more moist and inviting.

However, that all paled in comparison to the main focal point of this astoundingly pretty picture: the man’s eyes. They were a warm greenish brown in the candlelight, framed by a set of long, dark lashes and full, masculine brows. There was an amused glint in those eyes too, which meant that Alan had been caught staring.

“What is this?” Alan kept his face as calm and impassive as possible. 

The man shot him a knowing smile with just a touch of slyness. “The king sent me, my lord.” His voice was surprisingly sweet and husky, the vowels curiously elongated and rounded - typical of the Essex accent.

Alan arched an eyebrow at him. “Prince Martin told us the king is occupied with other matters.” 

“So he is.” The man stretched out on the bed like an indecent feast. “Doesn’t mean the king can’t make sure his guests aren’t well taken care of.”

“Is that what you’re supposed to do?” Alan washed his hands in the little basin with the jar of water waiting for him. “Take care of me?”

Letting out a dirty laugh, the man grinned at Alan as he let his legs fall open. “All that and more, handsome.” He patted the bed. “Come here, I’ll make you feel good.”

Alan would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted. He’d always preferred the company of women, although there were a few men who’d managed to turn his head. The man in his bed was leagues above them, in possession of every single attractive trait Alan liked about men.

Unfortunately, the collar on his neck reminded Alan that the man wasn’t in possession of his own free will. Alan’s brother, King Stephen, had outlawed slavery in Londinium fifteen years ago, but it wasn’t surprising that a kingdom like Essex - with a history steeped in piracy - would still be in favour of such an antiquated practice. In Alan’s opinion, sexual slavery was even worse. Forcing someone to warm your bed was a deplorable act. “No,” he said.

The man’s eyebrows jumped upwards. “No?” His mouth flattened into a thin line. “Does my appearance displease you?”

Alan couldn’t help his scoff. “On the contrary. If you only knew how pleasing you are to me, then you’d know how difficult it is for me to turn you away.”

The man’s face brightened. “So what’s the problem?”

Alan splashed his face with water before drying it with a towel. “I do not wish to force you.”

Now it was the man’s turn to scoff. “Believe me, mate, nothing about this is forced.” He eyed Alan with a slow, lazy smile as he began tugging down the hem of his silk harem trousers. “Just come over here. Then I can report to the king that I made you happy, and you’ll be in a good mood for the negotiations tomorrow.”

Alan flashed him an understanding smile. “I suppose the king wouldn’t be happy if I sent you away without...partaking of your services.”

The man shrugged. “He would be most displeased, yes. But you don’t have to worry about me.”

Alan had no idea what gruesome punishments awaited pleasure slaves who had not carried out royal orders. He didn’t want to get this poor man into trouble. “Look, what’s your name?”

“My name doesn’t matter,” the man said.

Alan fixed him with a steady look. “It matters to me.”

Surprise bloomed on the man’s face, followed by something that looked like curiosity. “Dave. My name is Dave.”

“Well, I’m Alan.”

Dave’s mouth curled up a little at the sides in amusement. “I’m well aware of who you are, Prince Alan.”

“No need to address me as so.” Alan gestured at the door leading to the solar. “I’m going to sleep on the couch outside. You can sleep in the bed and leave in the morning, if you like. So the king thinks you’ve fulfilled your duties.”

This actually made Dave bolt upright in astonishment, the sexy and coy act forgotten. “Wait-- you would let a lowly slave take your bed while you slept outside?”

“You’re not lowly.” Alan nodded at him in farewell as he shuffled out of the room. “Have a good night’s rest, Dave.”

As he suspected, the couch was far more comfortable than it looked. Alan unbuttoned his tunic before settling in on the couch’s soft cushions. He was so exhausted from days of travelling and the day’s pointless negotiations that he found himself nodding off quite quickly. Just before he drifted off to sleep, he thought he felt someone carefully draping a blanket over him.

When he woke up in the morning, the blanket was still there but Dave was already gone.

[greatatmakingmemes]

Wooden Overcoats: Altar Ego

“You’ve been working too hard. You need to take your mind off things.”

“How do you relax, _______?”

“I get drunk.”

“Oh, it’s a fantasy!”

“She gets a good night’s sleep!”

“It’s nice to know that someone understands.”

“Excuse me, I ought to see if I can relax for half an hour.”

“I’m drunk already.”

“You mean somebody else has bought a ticket?”

“I hardly wanted to see it myself!”

“But now you’ll be on your own with someone else.”

“My union wouldn’t allow it.”

“Don’t do it again.”

“Who is this bloody fool anyway?”

“I bought a hot dog!”

“I’m not here in God’s name!”

“Clearly we’re both connoisseurs of the arguably erotic arts!”

“Are you writing things down?”

“Shh…! I can’t hear the subtitles!”

“This is piracy! Inefficient piracy!”

“Trust me, I won’t be telling anyone about this.”

“I knew you’d read it!”

“It’s like a mood board but all the moods are sexy.”

“I think you should write that book!”

“Do you think this how those chaps in the gospel felt?”

“I’m going to write the raunchiest book this island has ever seen!”

“Could you explain the plot?”

“I don’t think this morning could have gone any worse!”

“I AM COVERED IN MUD!”

“You let go of the pig!”

“He’s got a lion taming license.”

“I never dream at night because every day is a nightmare.”

“What’s the big mystery?”

“You’ll have it cold and like it.”

“You can’t just burst into places holding a pornographic book.”

“God may or may not have created me, but I’ve definitely created a salacious masterpiece.”

“You wrote the whole thing overnight?”

“GET BACK IN THE SINK!”

“Both of them were prepared to burn for each other and burn they did.”

“It’s not sordid, it’s an expression of human and spiritual truth with riding crops!”

“What’s going to be our pseudonym?”

“Is it a children’s book?”

“Why not simply hide in plain sight?”

“I’ve written down a few scenarios - about thirty or so.”

“I must believe in divine inspiration, but don’t hold me to that.”

“I was a ghostwriter for John Grisham.”

“Get us a latte, stat!”

“You don’t have a tab.”

“I thought we’d begin behind the bike shed but in front of the bikes themselves.”

“- And so they lived saucily ever after!”

“You’re so good at this!”

“I’ve written a novel!”

“Quick! Hide the manuscript!”

“Chips for everyone!”

“How can this place have a bookshop in it?”

“We have a cloak room!”

“I’ll fetch the valet!”

“It’s just like my bookcase back home!”

“Distract him!”

“Have you ever stopped to think about your own funeral?”

“Death could come at any moment.”

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

“How much is this?”

“They bare more than their faces.”

“The best thing you could do with that is tear it up and use it as coffin padding.”

“I thought you should shut up.”

“Are you still a Catholic?”

“I’ll pretend to be one too!”

“Did you like it?”

“It was shameful.”

“It’s only a matter of time before someone puts two and two together and realizes that I’m the handsome, chiseled Adonis with the strength of a wild bull.”

“Are you sure you didn’t tell anyone else about your affair?”

“Did someone overhear you on the phone?”

“Maybe it’s a sign from God to guide you towards penance!”

“If anyone should ask you about your conduct, you should do the decent thing and deny it with every breath in your body.”

“What should I do with the money?”

“There’s this bit set in a hot air balloon that I’m concerned about.”

“That’s why writing books is hard work.”

“Can you turn that off? I’m trying to read.”

“How did my scandalliance get found out?”

“Shut up, I’m hyperventilating!”

“Is that legally acceptable?”

“Do you think the Pope will mind?”

“When people find out I wrote this, they’ll start to imagine all manner of things about me and some of them might be right but a lot of them will be wrong.”

“I don’t want to think about anything at all ever again.”

“Nobody can help us now.”

“I’m not interested.”

“This is degenerate filth.”

“This scandal could completely ruin us.”

“Don’t turn your nose up just because we like to!”

“You’re going to help them Hindenburg the blimp.”

“You want me to bury a made up person?”

“This will probably be the emptiest experience I’ve ever hand but I can’t see another way forward.”

“Toddlers can create art. You don’t see them asking me to bury a coffin full of books.”

“You described her work as entirely tasteless.”

“I enjoy these chats.”

“She made us feel giddy with excitement and potential.”

“Through her work, we could be who we needed to be.”

“I hope that feeling will linger beyond her passing.”

“For a moment, I thought you were about to make a confession of your own.”

“As Moses may have said, you can’t drink the sea and part it, too.”

“Better to let this one go quietly.”

“Back to normal.”

“It was quite liberating.”

“If we do write another book together, let’s put our names on it.”

“I read the book cover to cover six times.”

“I don’t usually read anything.”

“It sounds like we’ve kickstarted a new wave of ribald writing.”

“It’s our very first sell-out!”

“Season tickets for everyone!”