#please tell me I’m not the only autist who despises math more than they despise ed sheeran

[nicula-aa-dark]

Dammit why couldn’t I get the likes math autism.

I could be learning physics rn but nooooo I have to find music to listen to, almost cry because I’m picturing tragedies while listening to said music, find music to listen to except don’t make me sad this time, welp suddenly my headphones aren’t safe anymore. Time to throw them off my head and close my physics book I’ve been reading but not processing and stand up and realize I’m about to start hyperventilating and have a breakdown and cry and I can’t even look at my school books anymore.

[cynicalsonya]

On the spectrum or horrible internet person?

So I think I’m an Aspie/Autism spectrum person. I’ve never been diagnosed, and I read on Cracked that “self-diagnosed Autism is internet shorthand for terrible person”. I don’t think I’m terrible. I also don’t really know if I am on the spectrum. I’m 41 with three kids and I don’t think bothering to get a diagnosis would be more helpful than the money I’d have to spend to get it. So I rely on the internet and other Aspies/AS folks for help and information.

It’s my oldest kid who made me think I might be. She was doing a course in Psychology, and things lined up for her concerning me. She mentioned the idea to me and pointed me towards Tumblr where she had a lot of AS friends. I took several online tests (including one super long one used by psych people), and read up on how AS presents in women. All of it seemed to line up.

I’ve always been weird. I have trouble making friends and don’t understand why. It got so bad for me in *elementary* school that I decided to commit suicide. Obviously, I’m fine and it didn’t take. 9 yr olds are poor planners. I didn’t understand social dynamics. I did well in school, except for math. So my parents were shocked. They did what any responsible parents would do (this is sarcasm). They sent me to live with my grandparents in rural Appalachia and pretended it had never happened. I got to come back home eventually, when I seemed less emotional.

My grandparents were actually awesome, patient and kind people so it was great. Genuinely awesome. When I wanted the same thing for breakfast every day - no problem. I despised milk, no problem. I liked to read more than talk, no problem. I liked to watch the exact same cartoons every day with the same granola bar snack, no problem. My life was spectacularly routine and stable and I loved it. I played alone, sewed doll clothes, read books and they listened to me about what I needed.

I went back to live with my parents for middle school. It sucked. Kids were still mean. I had friends I genuinely thought were my friends, until they betrayed or tricked me. Regularly. It got to the point where if someone was nice to me I had to assume it was a lie,because it probably was. Yet I would forgive people because I did want friends.

I hated high school. The only thing good was that you could choose where you ate now. I liked an open courtyard with few people. I still did well in classes, except for math.

Additionally I never always understood what people were saying. My hearing was fine, which was confusing, but I couldn’t always process it. When I got my own TV in college I wanted one that had captions. Captions were the only way I always understood all the words. Without them, I’d get 80-90% which I felt was pretty good but sometimes I missed something important.. Even now I don’t always understand, but I tell people I have bad hearing and usually if they repeat it louder and clearer, I’ll get it.

I also hate direct lighting, or fans in showers (or fans in bathrooms being on while you take a shower), any crunch in a smooth food product, cold potato or pasta “salads”, and honestly I am extremely picky.

I fidget all the time. I mildly stutter, or repeat words without intending to.

I take a few more seconds to process things than other people do. If I’m driving and someone tries to warn me about something, if I don’t have several seconds before I have to react, it’s useless. I can’t react in time. My husband finds this frustrating. Try to get my attention and you might be able to count to 10 before I react.

I put Drax on my header because after my family saw Guardians of the Galaxy (the first one) without me, they all came back and said “There was a character that’s just like you! You’ll love it.”

I don’t always get jokes. I think somewhat literally.

I’m irritated by how Drax’s autistic-like issues became a punchline in the second, but that’s another post and this is already long.

I have anxiety issues. I jump to the most extreme conclusions (catastrophize). I can’t sleep easily. I have to exhaust​ my brain because I can’t shut it off. I hear other people can choose to sleep? I have no idea what that is like.

I have sensory issues, am a literal person, don’t get people and why most don’t like me, am often called"fake" when I’m trying to be genuine (I don’t always get expressions or tone right), and tend to not take others into account before pursuing a course of action (I don’t know why. I know I should, it just never occurs to me at the time).

So I’ve ended up believing myself to be on the spectrum. If I’m not, we at least have a lot in common. Honestly,talking to some of my closest friends ( I have three now. This is big for me) they all acted like they already knew and two of them were on the spectrum and hadn’t told me.

This is only my second post. No one knows me or will read it. But I wanted to get all this out. If anyone reads this and feels like commenting, please do. I really don’t want to be “internet shorthand for horrible person”.